so just to fill you again regarding uh. whats going on. click at your own risk. suicide tw down there.

so like on friday my mum came over and to me like. that was a goodbye, i was trying to like make her realize that i don't *need* to be here without really telling her and she got upset and kept telling me the "lets just go for a walk" stuff and it made me cry so hard. i shit you not i never cried harder in my life my eyes doubled in size because like i had already made the decision to end this. anyways she left and i was really upset and my flat was a mess and i was not gonna go out with a dirty ass flat so i went to sleep (i did not sleep) and then at like 4 am i cleaned my flat & started to make preparations like thinking out the goodbye notes and the post-poned email and crap like that. anyways then i didn't do it. i sat there like a loser and realised that a) I'm a coward and b) it would absolutely destroy my mum who doesn't seem to realize that i could actually do it like to her this is all "an episode and it will get better" and for some godforsaken reason she is not willing to let me go. so i didn't do it. i just couldn't do it to her.

so like with this new framework i had to draw the line and come on terms with the fact that I'm not killing myself like even tho that was the plan all along i realized that i didn't have the balls to do it so then i had to come up with a plan how to stay here doing this shit in a way that is ok with me.

tomorrow im gonna see a psychiatrist and a therapist and hopefully come up with a plan to do this somehow. anyways I'm chicken shit who cant even kms..... too bad youre stuck with me for now, the post-poned good bye post deleted

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pls i need to provide updates

eating my popcorn watching all this drama go down irt the larian discord server

my doctor was sooooo fucking worthless and unhelpful im going to masturbate and i hope it fucking kills me

if it weren't for the language difference (and the fact that i've now left it longenough that i think yuuji "noticing" it at this point would be weird) i would absolutely do something in heroine with the fact that teen!gojo uses ore and adult!gojo uses boku. because that's something that drives me crazy about him

remember obi wan kenobi?? man was he gay

why do counsellors think it's helpful to tell you "you shouldn't feel that way!" when you tell them something like "I am so stressed about spiders to the point where i have crying breakdowns thrice a week" or "I feel like I am somehow secretly a terrible person that needs to push everyone away to keep them safe from the rot that is inside of me"

like ... golly gee, thank you so much, that's soooo helpful, can't believe i never thought "wow! i shouldn't be feeling this way!" before, pretty crazy that you can just cure me with that one declaration!

hello so daily complaint about the religious sisters owning the student residence who are condescending and mean for no reason at all which makes the whole place unbearable to live in

which joker out members have a deep and unhealthily personal attachment to the noah kahan song the view between villages and which of them are normal

holy fuckkk i just witnessed a breakup in real time holy fuck haha ????? im losing ittttt

Girl like. The reason he said "this is how it should be" and faced death with a smile....is cuz he wanted to die. For 2 years he sat there thinking he was worthless and deserved to die. If he hadn’t be shot, his death would’ve been suicide, he was fully planning to die in a gutter somewhere undetected. When saying "this is how it should be" hes literally saying "don’t cry because I’m dying, my death is a good thing actually because I fucking suck and you are better off without me". I don’t think that’s badass even slightly, it’s actually really sad and really shitty. Shinjiro is so convinced that he deserves to die and hates the idea of anyone giving a shit about him because he literally can’t wrap his mind around the idea that he will be missed when he’s gone, that his death is a bad thing actually. And his last words were meant to be comforting because he fully did not intend for anyone to be there when he died, he intended to die alone, so he says them as a reminder that he’s not worth crying over

Personally, if it were me, if I was holding my dying best friend in my arms who was deeply depressed and suicidal and he said "this is how it should be" uh. I wouldn’t admire him for it??? Like am I losing my mind when I say the way this game handles Shinji is bad or is anyone else seeing this too 😰

I do not have a lot of followers but I'm Very Curious about like. What the ones I do have think of me. So

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the media which consumes your entire soul at age 12 will forever be a part of you. this is an unavoidable consequence of living and you have to accept this fact. no matter how old you get, no matter how long it has been since you last saw its smug face peeking out from the bushes as it follows you, no matter if you think you have outrun it for good and that you're finally finally safe and you hardly even remember it exists anymore and your brain knows a few brief moments of true peace, it WILL catch up to you in your moment of weakness. and listen you don't want to hear this but sometimes this is necessary for your mental health. you will on instinct want to reject it and run away again but sometimes. sometimes you just need to watch that old show or listen to that silly song or read that weird book again as an adult and it will hurt you a little bit in various little ways but it will also heal you a little bit. you can call it nostalgia you can call it connecting with your inner child or whatever you want but just listen to me it WILL HAPPEN TO YOU TOO AT SOME POINT AND YOU HAVE TO BE PREPARED FOR THIS (i am forcibly dragged off the stage by security)

its so weird to read some of my old fics (do NOT do it but i'm just being hypothetical rn) and reading it. like who even was this person?? i completely was in a haze back in 2020. i literally was posting 3 chapters a day. A DAY. what in the WORLD was that shit.

anyway i remembered some STUPID sappy shit and i didnt remember if i'd put it into a fic or not BUT I FOUND IT.

She and Hope had been dating in secret for months anyway, and any attempt to go talk to Ryan only filed her disposition of displeasure upon knowing that she couldn’t tell anyone, Molly especially, it destroyed herself mentally. They couldn’t really go anywhere near the school, always having to lie to everyone about having projects together when Molly wasn’t around them. It’d consisted with 9 PM - 2 AM intervals of being able to actually see each other. Hope would sneak through her small bedroom window with a portable record player and whatever she had gotten from the vintage record store downtown, and Amy would always fall asleep around eleven because of her internal clock. She would always wake up to find a single sticky note stuck on the edge of her desk whenever she woke up to her alarm the next morning. One of them, Amy still had tucked inside of her phone case, a heavily detailed human heart, with blue and red ink sketched onto a neon pink sticky note, there was a caption that headed the small paper reading the phrase over every now and again makes her almost melt every time. “You have my heart.”

yeah idk why the fuck but i thought of this fucking idea again today and i was like "omg did i ever put that heart note thing in a fic???" yeah you fucking did.

all that to say ME AND WHO???? imagine. thats so fucking.... RAHHHH.