hahahahaha oh no

.

never thought id do this but heres an essay on my thoughts on monkey bars 😭😭🤍🤍🤍

let me preface this by saying you did such an amazing job with this truly, you wrote so so well and i feel like you encapsulated every perfect emotion in the best way possible, and somehow it just gets better and better? i forgot how pt 1 went so i reread it before i read pt 2 and i was blown away again but youve even improved somehow ?!!? youre like the gift that keeps on giving 💋 also, thank you so so much for pushing through and writing this, i know it couldnt have been easy struggling with writers block but i hope u know we all think the world of this fic so please see the worth of your work 💗

ok now MY THOUGHTS!!! oh my lord, where to begin… first of all, same as before: from part one, i was already irked with jake when he pulled the beomgyu shit (albeit i moved on pretty damn fast surprisingly) but the cliffhanger you left us on was a game changer like he crossed the line so bad. i was conviced i would never forgive him. if someone did that to me i would have the exact same reaction as y/n tbh. anger later sad confusion panic first. and seeing the aftermath in part 2??? first of all, so glad she had such a good support system around her and people who actually put their morals first aka 02z bc u already know men irl would defend their “boys” first or whatever 🙄 hearing other girls gossip about her actually broke my heart cos if it was me i wouldve cried n had a panic attack there and then … and knowing my PARENTS know about it 😭😭😭

you wrote so well i was actually about to insert myself in NO JOKE!!!! like ok lets stray for a while but me personally i dont like “dumping” my emotions on anybody bc it makes me feel like im burdening them but when i read the scene when she went back home,, oh lord i wanted to cry in the dads arms there n then, u have a talent with words fr 🫣🫣

SORRY BACK TO OUR SCHEDULED ANNOUNCEMENT, nowhere in this fic was my heart set in stone. ok i lied. for the first 80% i was like FUCK THAT MAN HE DESERVES TO DIE IM NEVER FORGIVING YOU but then i started feeling pity too DO YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN WHEN I SAY YOURE AMAZING AT WRITING??? like am i throwing away my morals or am i just understanding that people are multidimensional,, woah lord,, like tbh i wouldnt have forgiven jake bc something of that scale is just not in my books, was way too extreme, but the way you wrote his character, his guilt, the actual situation??? couldnt even blame y/n for feeling sympathetic cos damn me too… i know a lot of people might not agree (especially irl. DEF NOT) but the way you wrote everything… how do you not feel bad for the poor boy 😭 in no way is y/n to blame for ANYTHING but at some point i started to be worried for jake too so i was like u know what. fine. get together with the boy. NO WAIT. idk. dont. IDK?!!!?

i think me personally, i wouldnt have been able to forgive him but i wouldve tried to move past it, despite how hard it would be. whether or not we get together would be a different question because rebuilding trust would take a lot, but,, yeah. overall i am soooo fucking satisfied with this, and the ending was so refreshing tbh!!! at first i was hoping they wouldn’t get together (literally when they kissed again i was like NOOO GIRLLLL WHYYYYY have more self respect!!!!) but after your slayful writing i was like nah u know what give them a happy ending,, n u did not disappoint,,,, i loved how it ended and that fresh start at the end was really like a breath of fresh air i have no idea how to explain it but it just genuinely did feel like a fresh start. i loved it. i will be rereading. thank you

OH MY GOSH THIS IS THE LONGEST MESSAGE I'VE EVER GOTTEN AND IM LITERALLY SCREAMING IN JOY BECAUSE OF IT!!

this was insane praise like omfg thank you so much! i always have such a hard time wondering if what i wrote is good enough to put out for you guys and to hear you say that is so meaningful to me 😭 the writer's block def was a bitch but hearing you say that you could see that I've improved makes everything worth it like i'd go through it again if it'll help me get better at writing im crying literally 🥹

so the whole time i was writing this last part i had a hard time deciding if oc should forgive him or not because personally i would never be able to but i just felt that the only way for this story to wrap up well and in a satisfying way would be if it was a happy? ending so i ended up just going with that and yes one of the main things i wanted to show was that everyone was rooting for y/n so i made sure no one excused jake's behavior

the scene where she went back home was kind of tough to write like i totally get you i get really emotionally invested even when im writing and jfc just imagining how my parents would react literally had me going through it like her dad was devastated and i think it really shows to what extent one person's actions/mistakes can effect cause this shit not only broke her down but also most of those around her so those scenes were def tough to write

but i am so so so glad to hear how much you enjoyed the ending and overall this story! you seriously just relieved me of so many of my worries regarding this story and i always feel like the best compliment is when people tell me they'll reread my stuff so thank you so so much for sending me this ginormous message and hope I'll continue to produce stuff you like! love you loads 🫶 🫶 🫶

trans masc anon here sorry again for spamming you but i had this really funny thought about the teen pregnancy au and i was like huh i wonder when james went into labour? and then i thought what if it was at the funniest possible time ever because of course james has to have the funniest timing for that kind of thing. so the first thought i had was what if james and sirius were literally about to have sex like theyre all cuddled up in the Mood and everything snogging so in the Zone LITERALLY ABOUT TO FUCK and then suddenly theres this HUGE gush of water and they both look down and bc of the way they were arranged when james water broke it broke all down the front of sirius' trousers and they just blink at each other and james is like '....i think im in labour?' and so sirius springs up like holy shit im going to be a father okay okay - and then when he gets monty and effie there to help with the birth and everything and effie just looks down at sirius' trousers pityingly (have a massive stain all down one trouser leg) like 'Please Change Your Trousers, Dear'.

another hc i had was what if even though james is literally. NINE MONTHS PREGNANT. READY TO POP AT ANY MOMENT. he .... CANNOT be stopped from Doing Things like he HATEEES being coddled and he hates just sitting around bc hes got so much restless energy so hes doing stuff RIGHT UP until harry is born which gives sirius and everyone else like. HEART ATTACKS. but when james is determined no one can stop him. so one day hes like :3 sirius do you want to go to diagon alley with me? i want to get some baby clothes :333 and sirius is like Uhhhhh,,,, (is looking at james who is literally 9 months pregnant, overdue by 2 weeks, can't get up the stairs by himself but pretends its not true, gets tired from standing after 2 minutes but pretends its not true and has to pee every 15 minutes). Do You... Think That's a Good Idea James? and james glares whilst. SOMEHOW smiling threateningly like 'sorry what was that? you weren't babying me there were you? im sure i misheard you right? you werent doing that right? :)' and sirius is like ....No. and james is like Great! so are you coming with me? ... :) or should i go by myself???? which i Can do, by the way! :) and sirius says very quickly no its okay! ill go with you! cue one very silly car ride because they cant apparate obviously where sirius is gripping the steering wheel for dear life while james chatters like nothings wrong EVEN THOUGH EVERYTHINGS WRONG EVERYTHING IS LITERALLY WRONG RN??? anyway so they make it to diagon alley and james?? waddles??? around looking into the shops like Hmm yes very interesting and sirius is just trailing behind him barely staving off a panic attack and its only when they get to the baby clothes shop and james holds up a onesie aggressively like 'dont you think this is cute?' in the tone of 'say this is cute, right NOW' and sirius nods warily that james suddenly makes a face and theres a HUGE stream of water coming out of him in the MIDDLE OF THIS SHOP??!?! LIKE HIS WATER BROKE??? and the shopkeepers too stunned to even like??????? comprehend what is happening rn??? and in this scenario bc i think it would be funny james would be a massive asshole right off the bat like hes making a fuss for No Reason like his water breaks and he just. yells. IM IN LABOUR???? and sirius is like Holy Shit um okay i guess we have to get you back in the car????!?!!! and so that day one very pregnant james potter can be seen screaming his head off through diagon alley whilst sirius black clutches his arm. hilariously because the universe somehow also does this. WALBURGA AND ORION HAPPEN TO BE IN DIAGON ALLEY THAT DAY!??!?!?? like if its not already bad enough for them that the heir of the house of black ran away and they had to disown him and then he knocked up a POTTER now potter is GOING INTO LABOUR IN PUBLIC?????? literally she almost dies on the spot. she strides up to james and sirius whilst james is leaning against a wall panting and taking a break and starts to say 'this is absolutely DISGRACEFUL, totally SHAMEFUL -' but before walburga can actually start ranting james just looks over at with a glare so powerful and so cold that even SHE falters a little and says 'excuse me. but me and my HUSBAND are going to go have a gorgeous baby. not that that has anything to do with you??? come on sirius' and sirius is. SO stunned. and proud. and thankful and um. honestly a little turned on but hes desperately trying to rein that in (is it morally wrong to want to bone your husband when hes in labour? thoughts for another day) anyway this is all to say sirius drives james back home with james shouting at him from the back YOU DID THIS TO ME!!! FUCK YOU!!!!!!! and other incoherent noises of extreme pain

LMAOOO this is peak drama and I’m living for it. I think you nailed their characterisation as well: James being a tiny bit oblivious towards the implications of his actions, Sirius keeping an eye on him at all times; James doing whatever he pleases and Sirius just going along with it. Going into labour in a public place is such a James thing to do. He loooves showing off and being the centre of attention so even during literal labour I doubt he would be too bothered by the staring and so on. The Walburga and Orion cameo is hilarious I think James would react exactly like you said. He’s shown having a strong sense of morality: in SWM he refuses to say the word mud blood, and he did save Snape albeit for undetermined reasons. He would just have to get the last word in with his husband’s shitty parents.

During labour as well I imagine he just starts screaming insults at Sirius like it’s going out of style. He’d say stuff like “I should’ve never let you cum inside fuck you and your pretty boy looks” and Sirius is like. Holding back his laughter and he kinda hates himself for it because his husbands going into labour, he needs to be serious! But James just keeps saying the most ridiculous things and he has to excuse himself for a second before he starts howling in laughter. I also think Sirius is the type to talk James through it if he was allowed in the room while James is giving birth. He would brush the hair away from his face and say “cmon, darling, almost there now. I can see the head coming through.”

here is a little chronicle of my sickness journey btw. bc i feel like i need to write this down because its been hilariously awful lol

warning 4 gross stuff, oversharing, and me bitching, unsurprisingly

back in early august i got sick with what i thought was a cold. basic symptoms, fever, achiness, runny nose, etc. things are relatively normal at first, i've gotten sick dozens of times because i'm particularly prone to sinus and ear infections so i brushed it off

And Then The Hives Began.

all over my limbs and very rarely on my torso and neck. even had one on my face. at one point my throat got very itchy and i had a panic attack thinking i would get anaphylaxis for the first time in my life. thankfully i took a shitton of claritin + pepcid + benedryl and it kicked in fast enough that i was okay

i go to the local urgent care. the doctor is amazing and gives a shit and prescribes me some steroids + recommends i keep taking what i've been taking. tells me to follow up with my primary doctor and to come back if things get worse.

Things Continue To Get Worse.

i go to my primary doctor. she is not very helpful. i've been thinking of switching providers anyway because i'm moving and this has kind of solidified this decision because i'm told "well that's weird! just uhh. keep taking your antihistamines and don't go out in public. good luck :)" the only thing is its been a hot minute since i switched providers and i dont really remember what the process is like and i will inevitably get social anxiety about it.

this continues for a while. i'm managing, i feel like shit. but i am managing. now here comes the really gross part. this morning (9/15/23) i am chilling on my computer. i go to scratch my stomach, only to find... there is crust. around my belly button. why is my belly button so crusty? what? it turns out there is discharge of some sort coming from there. why? who knows! it's not too painful but between the fact my fever is now higher than it's ever been (although still a low grade one) and i have this unexplained discharge it throws me into one of the worst panic attacks i've had in a while. all the worst case scenarios (sepsis, my second greatest phobia besides anaphylaxis) are running through my head but i remind myself every time i've thought shit was mega fucked it turned out okay. mira also helps comfort me and im able to collect myself and go to the urgent care (again). also on top of this i have like 3 cold sores and my period going at the same time so i am extra suffering!!!!!!!!!!

the doctor there is again really understanding and wonderful. i love this woman. she tests me for flu, covid, strep, and mono. she says she tests for mono specifically because a lot of other doctors miss it and make patients suffer for no reason. all tests come back negative thankfully (or maybe unthankfully... because we still dont know what the fuck i got). she puts me on like 5 new different meds (antiviral, antibiotic, steroid, nausea meds, and an antifungal to help if i get a yeast infection while on the antibiotic). at this point i am genuinely wishing i could make this lady my primary doctor but alas, 'tis not to be.

i am now given 1 shot each of antibiotic and steroid. one in each butt cheek. my ass hurts so badly. sitting is vaguely uncomfortable.

i am given some gauze and also told to buy dial soap for the belly button infection. i go home and lay on the couch. and thus this is where we are now

also my electric company charged me like $200 for electricity which we do not have atm so thats a cool cherry on top

anyway moral of the story is that my immune system is garbage and i wish it attacked the virus instead of me <3

hm.

jade lore lol cw abuse, suicide. this is so rambly and will make no sense probably

having a. quiet panic attack rn lol. been thinking about how isolated ive been for the past like...15 yrs. which is kind of insane to say lol i live in dt toronto and im online all the time

i dont think my parents used isolation as a tactic they like were not smart enough for tht lol ! it was just like a natural consequence w how much we fucking moved bc we were poor (like once every year and a couple times even in the middle of the school year)

the only people i saw consistently even through all the moves were my parents and their friends and their two daughters. i kiiind of grew up w them, we lived in like different parts of ontario and i only saw them like 3-4 times a year, but they stayed in the periphery of my life even through all of our moves. and then one of them outed me to my mom

ive never been good at keeping in touch w people not even w my own family. all my family except for my dad lives in china and they speak a language i barely know. my dads been abusive since i was in like grade school and even before the abuse got bad tm we barely ever talked to each other. i never see my mom but when i do shes also abusive ft their comically shitty divorce era. so isolation was always sucky reality but a safe one idk. i didnt have parents to support me but at least when they left me alone i didnt have to worry about getting hit or screamed at lol

all that just. built into a pattern of me fucking up any kind of social support/health i manage to build every couple of years. there were like a couple months in hs and college where i'd be completely nonverbal and like... complete shut down bc of how depressed and suicidal i was. i had no idea why it was happening and everyone thought i was mad at them but the idea of existing and taking up space froze me

i've deleted and remade my tumblr before, my instagram twice now bc it felt like i was killing myself. the longest standing sm i've had thats actually also gotten me to where i am in my career is twitter so ofc that seems to be the app swandiving into hell lollll

im like trying, working on better coping mechanisms and i think im doing better lately. but theres still this deep aching loneliness thats been building up frm over a decade tht im reckoning w bc the brain fog is lifting.

i straight up didnt know my mind could feel so clear if that makes sense? but im also just feeling the brunt of All Of This pretty head on now and its super overwhelming and idk. its like im so far behind in my life compared to everyone i know. also bonus Gender Thoughts and relationships thoughts and an ex who said she loved me and it just didnt feel real bc i didnt feel real

all this + just the constant worry of my industry and my career crashing down around me and how i literally have no back up plan lol. my back up plan for the longest time was to just die. i want to stop feeling like i have to kill parts of myself i want to live to be w my friends and i really want to pitch my ogn. im so excited about all that but it feels so abstract and far away

pre emptive good night bc ihave assignments to work on but... i hope u guys have a good nighf...

Omori fandom i have made a BIG BRAIN fic idea and everyone needs to look at it

OKOKOK so picture this:

~KARAOKE FIC~

- post game in Omori, relationships between the gang have gotten better and everyone has now forgiven Sunny and Basil by now (and they all go to therapy now, its essential)

- Kel has decided to drag the group along to a karaoke place in the city Sunny lives in

- yknow what? ill be nice and say that the Hooligans joined as well. There isnt enough content of them, its a damn shame 

-  Almost everyone decides to have a go at singing one song! Kel is,,,uh,,,,ok at it to put at it lightly, Aubrey is pretty good at singing! Kim ends up going heart eyes at that despite the fact they’ve been dating for months (theyre lesbians Dave you cant convince me otherwise) Basil has a soft voice when singing and everyone loves to see it, and everyone overall has a good time!!

- there are Kel and Aubrey bickering moments, there HAS to be 

- then you have Sunny, who no one really expected him to sing which was fine by them! But woah! Sunny is going for it? and Kel ends up creating a betting pool to see how good Sunny’s singing skills are while Sunny is away to grab a drink, Hero’s hosting it with reluctance bc “we shouldnt do things like this but it’ll be interesting to see how this goes.

- Sunny is a SURPRISINGLY REALLY GOOD singer despite that fact you hardly hear him talk at all, it secretly came w the violin practices bc he genuinely wanted to (hc’s go brrrr)

- nobody knows this  only mari did, add that to the Things Sunny Repressed 

-  So imagine the fucking sheer AWE AND SURPRISE that the gang gets when Sunny ends up BELTING IT OUT in the most beautiful voice they’ve ever fucking heard, what the fuck????

- He’s singing  first love / late spring by Mitski and is KILLING IT don’t think too hard about the song choice just imagine that I thought that Sunny would listen to her music & NOT because the other song choices i had written weren’t that good to pick

- everyone is speechless. Kel and/or Basil are having a Gay Panic Attack™(havent decided yet but Sunny has two [2] hands), Aubrey has gained more respect for Sunny (’he sings? and has good taste? respect’), Hero is the equivalent to the Surprised Pikachu meme,and The Hooligans go :O during the entirety of the song

- then Sunny finishes, looks up with an embarrassed look on his face and quietly goes: “...how did i do? i haven’t practiced singing in awhile...” and everyone collectively goes “YOU CAN FUCKING SING??? HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING!!” in varying intensities

- Hero goes all Big Brother Mode and give Sunny a little head pat

- Aubrey looks at him dead in the eye and nods, Sunny nods back. they are Communicating. No one knows what.

- Kel being Kel hypes him up about his skills n shit

- Basil smiles and says his voice sounds like an angel (cue blushy blushy moments lmao) 

- The fic ends with “man i cant believe i lost the bet! i was so sure that he would be bad at it..” and Sunny goes “YOU PLACED BETS?????? O-o” 

- Basil won the bet

i would write this but i dont have an ao3 account and my writing skills are ok at best ;-; but if im ever in a ‘fuck it’ mood theres a MIGHT be a chance i will write/draw this shit out

tho ppl are free to make a fic outta this! i might reblog this again w more thoughts about it later

Invitation to ramble about any of your stories I wanna hear abt them

(i put this under the cut bc its so LONG ahaha i like rambling if you couldnt tell sjsj)

AA SBFSJF THANK YOU 🥺🥺🥺 umm umm ummmm lemme thinkk i have so many ahaha

OH!!! there's this one ive been workign on since like. october. ive been calling it Soliloquy in my head and its the first hermitcraft/last life/anything related fic that i ever started workign on. I stopped writing it in novemebr bc i wanted to focus on shorter stories for nano but i picked it up again in december and aaaaaa im so excited for this omg its actually looking like the first installent will be done soon

okay because i dont care about spoilers i will be talking about spoilers now lol. also warning discussion of cannon suicide. anyways its a third life fic and starts during the Final Showdown w desert duo. except grian doesnt fling himself off the ledge after killing scar bc i had this thought where all the fics where it does eventually end in his suicide are really nice but also i wanted to explore what it would be like if he decided not to give in to the voices. Anyways he wanders off and is liek dissasociating out of his mind bc like. shock and all that and then he finds a little half-starved llama in the grass and :wails: here wait ill just show you a screenshot

WAILS. I JUST RLLY THINK GRIAN COULD BE GOOD W ANIMALS IF HE WANTED TO BE OKAY.

ANYWAYS its starts turning nighttime and theres this whole segment of him trying to get to safety (tango's base for Reason which you will find out later) and in it theres like weird things happening that he's too busy running for his life to question. like creepers exploding just out of reach and skeletons shooting at nothign and a lot of crazy coincenced and YOU KNOW WHY?? major spoilers here THE WHOLE GHOST GANG IS PROTECTING HIM. ISNT THAT FUCKING SWEET. and it isnt just grians old allies its like, ren and cleo and bdubs and some of them are just pretending they like fucking with the mobs BUT THEY ALL REALLY KNOW THAT THEYRE PROTECTING HIM LIKE. COME ON. Anyways none of that is shown in the first installment because the second installment will be from THEIR pov and. god im so excited.

and then grian makes it to safety and the reason its in tangos base is 100% becuase of the COWSSSSSSSSSS i really really really like cows if you couldnt tell. Grian takes cares of the cows and milks them bc dairy cows need to be milked or it could literally kill them lol and then he plays with the little baby cows and 🥺🥺 ITS LITERALLY SO CUTE and AAAAAAAA

and there's obviously like other things in it but tbh im more focused on the ghosts reaction's to what he does. he has a flashback and has a panic attack bc of it so the ghosts bring out Pizza to help calm him down. its a bit hard considering that theyre ghosts but they manage lol. and then the next day grian leaves tangos base and wanders over to monopoly moutain and he buries scar and its rllys sad BUT also rlly fruity bc as sign of. idk respect or whatever grian swaps his and scars life indicators and literally all the ghosts are like 👀👀👀 at scar BC THATS RLLY FRUITY BRO and basically the first/second installment ends on a rlly hopeful note like idk "he will try to live again" or whatever the fuck im just excited for the next installmetns bc i have the WHOLLLEEE plot figured out shshshs im SOOOO excited

anyways thank you for asking me to ramble i LOVE spoiling my fics to other people <33 also sorry this is kinda incoherent its kinda late rn

I wish Jensen was as horrified by people shipping Dean with his brother as he seems to be over Destiel.

i'm not gonna lie, i have bad feelings, too. i think that jensen has done a lot of things that have led to lgbt/queer kids feeling invalidated and he has given a lot of people ammunition to bully us over fictional ships. i also think that was entirely unintentional, but that doesnt make it better.

i gotta be honest, i take a lot of the info out there with several grains of salt, especially unverified stuff and fan stories. people like to lie on the internet. (i remember a few years ago someone made up chris evans having a panic attack at a convention and cevans himself had to clear that up bc concerned fans kept messaging him) i know he doesnt like talking about destiel at cons and the few times he did pre-despair werent that positive.

i think bc his first real exposure to shipping was w*ncest he mentally equated shipping to fetishisation and hes not the only one. you can tell from a lot of comments that other actors (sometimes even misha) think fanfic is all about smut and that its mostly written by horny straight women aged 16 to 45. which is incorrect and hurtful, but ok.

the way he talks about the confession scene is jarringly different and enthusiastic. there has been this meet and greet where he got asked a few questions about it and while i, again, like to be sceptical about these types of sources, it does match up with his general behaviour wrg to the confession. i think he genuinely had a change of perspective some time in the later seasons and i dont think he was ever actually horrified by the existence of destiel, but annoyed about his own misinterpretation of what destiel actually meant to the fans. not gonna defend him for that tho, he did contribute to the mistreatment and gaslighting of queer spn fans, even if that was never his intention.

now w*ncest is another thing. it drives me up the wall whenever w*ncest and destiel are in any way put into relation to each other and as much as i love robbie, im fucking mad about them having both of the "ships" in fan fiction in the first place. however: sam and dean CONSISTENTLY react to w*ncest with disgust, confusion and horror, like duh. w*ncest is, iirc, mentioned more times in-universe than destiel as a ship. fan fiction has the only mention of destiel as a fictional ship, whereas w*ncest has been mentioned multiple times before, aka in every episode becky is in. its always portrayed as ridiculous, mostly played for laughs and never taken seriously. to the cast and crew of spn w*ncest is a non-thing bc it disqualifies itself by its own nature. nobody in their right mind (which excludes most w*ncest shippers sadly) would expect them to actually put i//ncest on screen. its easier to joke about this, simply because its so ridiculous.

i think jensen and co dont see w*ncest itself as a 'danger', thats why they never talk about how disgusted they are by it, its a foregone conclusion. it cannot be treated seriously bc its simply too bogus.

destiel however. unless youre a raging homophobe or devout biblical christian there is nothing morally wrong with destiel, which makes it harder to discredit it as a joke, which is why you cant joke about it so easily. not that you should lmao, but i dont claim to know what goes on in these mens heads.

this got way too long so im gonna try to wrap it up:

i think its not that jensen is less horrified by w*ncest than destiel. there would be something really wrong with him if he was. i think he can put w*ncest and all its crazy fans into a box and label it "too ridiculous to care about except when they send my wife rusty nails". i dont claim to know what exactly his problem with destiel was/is, but if i had to make a guess its that he spent a long time misinterpreting what destiel actually was and just treated it as another outlet for horny teens, which i wont defend him for. i think he really mellowed out on that front, but kept his grumpy persona for a while (hes clearly not uncomfortable with ppl thinking thoughts about him and misha in situations or else he wouldnt act like THAT at cons tho, so idk). His positive and enthusiastic comments surrounding the confession and his open-ness about dean reciprocating (which is still a cop out, ngl. idc if he said he didnt want it to be one) ESPECIALLY compared to his glacial silence surrounding the finale show me that he is not at all disgusted or horrified by destiel.

tl;dr this man is an enigma to me and there are a couple of things i hold against him, but i truly dont think he is horrified by destiel.

Here to cleanse your blog

✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨

Lets change the subject. If you or anyone on here currently on xplrclub won the travel giveaway or the merch would you take it? Would you drop it all and travel with them? I personally would not. Love the content and them and im not scared but i dont know...i never want to meet them face to face or wear something where if i do someone will know im a fan 😁. Do i make sense??? Colbys story of the girl in the party store wearing their merch gave me a panic attack the other day. Honestly if i won I'd gracefully decline and give it to one if yall..i dont live too too far from them and im scared of running into them one day because Kat and Sam have been to my place of work before when i wasnt there (thank God).

haha thanks for the cleanse

honestly... i would die to go ghost hunting with them. i've always wanted to go in the first place (since i never had) and i really want to meet them so i would have to go.

highkey tho, i would be scared. not only bc of the possible experience, but bc i don't want them to know i'm this account. i would probably have to literally mute every account i have and just pretend they don't exist.

i think back when i made this one, i was slightly embarrassed to meet them after making it bc i was like 'oh god i write fanfiction that's so weird' but now i'm like '....i've gotten into literal beef with ppl over girls you've dated, i don't think i can look you in the eyes'

so if i randomly go MIA... you know why lol

also, funny enough i've had a dream or two where i've met snc at work. i work in retail, so like it's not impossible of a thought. it would only be impossible bc of where i work since it's not really in the city so idk how they would even get out here or why they would be out here. but the idea of meeting snc in merch would be a bit strange, but since a good decent chunk of my wardrobe is just their merch, it's more likely to happen then i think.

i just feel like if i was gonna meet them, i would want to have a deep and honest convo with them about the fandom. i would love to have an actual conversation with them about things that happen and what they truly feel. idk if that is something that could ever happen but yeah... it would be nice to go ghost hunting with them.

tho i do have a suspicion that if i won, they would probably fly out here just bc i like so far away from them lol

omg i just had the thought of getting drunk with them... now that would be fun sksksk

hi!! for the match up thing i’m indian-american, 5’6”-5’8” naturally rapunzel-length, wavy hair (brownish), glasses, brown eyes, corner dimples, aquarius, i’m an ambivert, i love video games, editing, reading, writing, sleeping lol, and i’m not good at drawing but i like doodles and coloring. i love k-pop (casual listener) and some non-kpop songs & i love watching a lot of anime & reading BL 🕴🏻 & manga. i get closed off in groups because i get anxious and i get negative thoughts and how i’m probably not even wanted there bc of bad experiences. in public i can get suuuper anxious because i’m rlly sheltered bc of my parents and i get all shaky. same like in public w/o my parents like i get shaky and an anxiety / panic attack and want to cry. ive never experienced things bc of my family like ‘normal’ stuff like the beach, traveling, ice skating, movie theaters and stuff. i hate it and i dont have the best relationship with my family they can be really toxic sometimes and the whole anxiety thing and that makes me feel really depressive and su*cidal sometimes for a while. i love physical affection and being shown that or told words affirmation. but irl i get awkward and shy w physical affection bc ive never experienced it and idk how to do it. im good thru text, irl i can keep a convo going. thru calls i get shy and nervous, especially if it’s the opposite gender. my face gets red easily like i blush a lot and it’s not hard to make me flustered lol. when i get like that or don’t know how to respond i just giggle bc idk what to do or say. if im sad and going thru it i make jokes to cover it up and laugh it off, one time someone just asked ‘are you ok’ after i did and my voice cracked ‘no not really’ and i started crying 😃 i keep stuff to myself (unless i trust that person to tell them stuff nd open up to them) i do have trust issues and i’ve never rlly had friends irl my parents are strict and never let me go out. online i dont rly have much friends either. im rlly observant, and like descriptive / detailed as u can tell 😭 kinda sucks thoo because a lot of people don’t read what i say bc they said they cant b bothered n it’s too long but i just get rlly engrossed into things & dont half-ass stuff and just wanna explain everything properly 😭 i can be sassy and give attitude, and i can be mean. BUT i never do that to someone unless they did me dirty. i dont like arguing. that side of me can be shown thru arguments but only again like if the other person is doing the same and is being mean and disrespectful to me first. i do have a lot of patience and endure things until it’s become like a problem? i make sure to communicate. i never ignore people, i’m not petty unless i have a good reason if they did something to me. i’m really funny i swear 😭 and i can be emotional / sensitive depending on what it is but i know when someone is joking but i know when things are taken too far and i have boundaries. i take caution when meeting people bc trust issues so i’m not that clingy unless i 100% like can count on them and comfortable with them trust them etc. i like teasing friends but just for fun and won’t take it far and make them upset or anything. if i ever hurt someone which i make sure not to i feel super bad and apologize a lot and make sure to never do it again. i try to keep my cool to refrain keeping myself from getting mad but the times i have gotten mad are reasonable and it has to be something super upsetting for me, i dont get mad w/o reason though and i start to angry-cry and yell but i try not to say anything that ill regret and make sure to think of what im saying. i love memes, idk how to describe my humor tho 😭, i’m diligent and considerate! i try to show i care thru actions and words of affirmation and quality time etc. i make sure to remember important stuff someone tells me abt themselves. i have a really good memory i don’t forget things that easily. i care for others a lot and im trying to take care of myself more now too but it can be hard. i’m not a liar i can be really blunt and honest. SORRY ITS LONG 😭

I match you with..

Lemillion!

I’m a firm believer that understanding opposites can bring out the best in each other. Mirio helps you come out of your shell. He loves to stroke your hair, and sometimes playfully pulls it. He is your partner and your best friend, so doing thinks like Pictionary or playing games today are a common occurrence. Joking and cuddling turns into a must for the two of you and you discover how much you love your head pet. His dependable personality provides a safe place for you, and you get the chance to trust in someone fully.

He appreciates how you are careful to watch how you act when you are upset, but loves how full of emotion you are. Seeing you cry breaks him on the inside and he just wants to scoop you up into hugs. Knowing that you have that big goof there helps you with your social anxiety. If someone is talking too much to you and he sees you getting overwhelmed, he will skillfully direct conversation away from you. Mirio gets very protective of you around your family. He constantly holds your hand and you two have established a safe word in case you want to leave. Mirio is more than happy to scoop you into his arms and run away with you. He is so emotionally intelligent and sensitive with you that you feel so safe and secure. If you could use one word to describe him it would be ‘home’. For the first time in a long time you begin to realize what family is, it’s mirio.

Knowing that you haven’t tried many things, you two make an effort to try new experiences together. He often flirts with you, despite the fact you two are together. He brings out the more sexual side of you. You compliment him and flatter him. He loves how much you appreciate him. You two take care of each other and your time is full of laughs.

uHm if you do these and if you want to do it I’d love a bnha matchup <3?

• my name is Aubri, I’m bi but prefer MHA boys tbh. I go by she/her, too.

• I’m a very Gryffindor person. (Sorry if you don’t know Harry Potter - 😖)

• I’m a June cancer, and I have ADHD and anxiety. My anxiety can be literally crippling somedays, but it’s gotten better overtime.

• I’m a bit of a class clown and usually just a clown 🤡 but that’s irrelevant. My teachers all hate me but like school-wise I do well so we have a love and mostly hate relationship 🤧

• I’m usually the ‘entertaining’ friend, in elementary the popular kids would invite me to play games with them because, “you’re funny” and it was like the biggest achievement ever 😭👍🏻 then they’d ignore me but that’s another therapy session

• I’m usually made fun of by people for being ‘weird’ and ‘insane’. Like all through elementary everyone thought I’d be a criminal when I grew up JUST BECAUSE I HAD UNDIAGNOSED ADHD - I hate it here 😐🦶🏻

• I’ve always been super into crime stories/true crime (where my anxiety comes from, I’m always worried about a pesky serial killer just killing me. It’s usually being kidnapped tho lmao) so I knew and still know like all these murder facts and sometimes I’d just randomly be like;

“Hey did you know it takes 12 hours and 2 days to dissolve a body in acid?”

or

“If you bury a dead deer over a dead body you buried deep in the ground, when police dogs sniff it and people dig they’ll just think it was the deer and won’t dig any farther.”

• So maybe people had a reason to be scared of me and think I’ll be a criminal someday, i dunno.

• I love love love reading and writing, and also debating. The things I’ve wanted to be when I grow up are basically: Dog shelter worker, actress, FBI agent, politician, and a writer. But usually I just want to do something that makes a positive impact on people. Like i wanted to be an FBI agent to solve crimes for people. I wanted to be a politican so I could actually help a lot of people. The entertainment industry also seemed like a way to make people happy. Idk, but then I decided I couldn’t be a politican at 10 because they were all corrupt and to be one I would have to be too. 😫🤌🏻 we love some good childhood angst

• the only subjects I’ve ever excelled at are ELA and Social Studies aka History, and Math I can’t do to save my life. ELA comes easy for me and I usually don’t have to work that hard and/or get too stressed over it. But I always get the meanest teachers for some reason. For example, one time I did my final essay for like 30% of my grade in 30 minutes the day it was due and I got an A+ 🦟🦗🦟🦗

• Uhhh id describe myself as a pretty loyal friend, I’m a ride or die type of girl. A story from my childhood that summarizes it pretty well is when I was in 2nd grade my friend wet her pants and she didn’t want to go to the nurse for it alone so I peed my pants so I could go with her and she wouldn’t have to be alone. Like, you know, a professional problem solver

• and I have genuinely attacked people for fucking with my friends but don’t snitch pls 🕳🏃‍♀️💨

• But also just anyone, people at my school tend to come to me with their problems for me to either help solve them by reasoning, or just to confront the other person like the bad bleep I am 😈😈

• I also have a huge daydreaming problem, it’s literally maladaptive daydreaming. So paired with my ADHD I don’t get shit done like ever.

• I have really high empathy levels I guess, like I always say hi to everyone I see on the street, especially if they look sad 😔 I’ve done it ever since I was a little kiddo.

• My fashion sense is very much a preppy/alt style. I wear those ripped tights and fishnets, I also have the MOST BIZARRE JEWELRY- like who allowed me to buy the gummy worm glittery earrings, hmmm???????? and those Mary Janes???????

• But I love crew necks and pleated skirts so I always obide by the National “hoes dont get cold” policy 🇺🇸😫🦅

• I wanna move somewhere someday, I don’t want to stay in America for very long

• I can speak Latin, French, and my native language which is English.

• My music taste varies, but my all-time favorite artists who all of their music they’ve ever put out has been my favorites are, Billie Eilish, Melanie Martinez, and Conan Gray.

• I no-joke have a sign in my front yard that says;

In ✍️ this ✍️ house we ✍️ don’t ✍️ worship Jesus ✍️ but instead ✍️ Melanie ✍️ Martinez

• My favorite shows are MHA (duh), The Promised Neverland, and Malcolm in The Middle.

• and I’m not going to tell you what I prefer in a partner, because that ruins the fun 😤

• but I will say I cannot be friends with someone who doesn’t really make me laugh. Like I’m used to doing most of the talking in convos but if you’re just boring I’m sorry it’s nothing personal but no thanks 😐✌🏻

• About my physical appearance, I have fluffy n curly brown hair, but when it’s in the sunlight it looks sort of brown but golden yk?? It’s shoulder length :) I have bleach blonde streaks in the front. I like wearing eyeliner most days, too. I’m pretty average size/ on the skinnier side. Kinda high key inscure abt my body bc I got flat shamed in elementary EVEN THOUGH I HAVE TIDDIES NOW- whatever 😤🙄. I also have crystal type blue eyes, and I do have fairly big eyes. But, like, not weirdly big. A good big. My cheekbones are ALWAYS PRESENT so sometimes I get called a Tim Burton character but it’s cool ig ☠️☠️ oh and I’m kinda short. I’m 5’3, even though my doctor said I’d be 5’7. I feel like I was either tricked by the doctor or someone just stole my destined height while I was asleep. It’s probably cause I didn’t keep an eye out for Selener 👁 😔😔

• I’m a definite night owl, like all of my energy comes at night which really sucks cuz I can’t do much since everyone else is asleep.

• My love language is touch starved so I’ve never figured it out ✌🏻😗🔫

• but I am an attention whore so idk 😏

• I’m a huge introvert with social anxiety. It isn’t as bad as it used to be cuz I used to not be able to like go to restaurants but now I’m much better.

• I’m a huge history person, mostly like sad history LMFAO. Uh but a lot of my hyperfixations have been on history. Some examples are The Roman Empire, Julius Caesar himself, Anne Frank, The Titanic, the Black Plauge, Helen Keller, Marie Curie, Slavery in the US, Joan of Arc, and just a lot more. I always love talking about these things if someone would let me ramble to them but no one ever does 😖 it also got to a point where for all these subjects I’d go to the library and try to find a book on them but usually I’d either have already read it or I’d read it and know all the information.

• I’m super into Greek Mythology, I have 7 books filled with the stories, I’m going to Greece maybe this summer to see it’s history, and named my hamster Aphrodite but we call her Aphie. I also will talk about this forever and ever if you let me.

• My favorite color is yellow, my favorite food is literally nothing I never have an appetite, my favorite planet is Saturn, favorite song is Tag Your It by Melanie Martinez atm but it changes like everyday.

• Music is a huge safe-space for me if I’m feeling down or having a panic attack. It calms me down n is overall my coping mechanism 💃🏻💃🏻

• Biggest fear is spiders, even looking at one gives me a panic attack and I cannot sleep at all for that night, adding to my insomniac ass 🧎🏻‍♂️🏌️‍♀️

• I’m mature for my age, I don’t exactly like hanging around kids my age and I get along better with older crowds.

• i don’t like conventional dates, (I PROMISE IM NOT TRYING TO SOUND ‘QUIRKY’ AHAHA) I kind of like having a best-friend type partner more so dates that aren’t as romantic as like the movies or a fancy restaurant suite me better. My dream date is playing Monopoly on my bedroom floor 🦧

• Also I hate getting gifts. End of story. If someone gets me a gift like awe that’s nice but never again, I’d prefer to get you one. Especially in a romantic partner 😐 i keep a journal of my friends’ interests and hobbies so I can get them the perfect gifts for their bdays and Christmas’s. Been doing this ever since 4th grade.

• Though I don’t have much actual experience with relationships🧍🏻‍♀️

• I’m a huge believer in ‘family isn’t blood, it’s who you make it’ because I have a pretty shitty family life and my childhood has been trash. My friends are my family to me.

• Also if my friends don’t like my romantic partner ✨ GOODBYE ✨. Sorry girlie, bros before hoes 🦨💨

I was going to put more but I’m so so sorry for how LONG AND COMPLICATED THIS IS- idk if this is a autobiography or a matchup at this point 🤦‍♀️ don’t feel pressured to do this and if matchups aren’t open IM SO SO SORRY LMAO uh yeah ilysm 🦎🎂🧃

OMG ASLDFKJHASLKDJH

🥺 i’m so sorry bby but matchups are closed ;-; my 100 follower event was over while ago (i guess i should’ve specified that in the asks i answered LKSAJHFLKJAHDS SORRY IT’S MY BAD) but you sound so cool?? i had a lot of the same hyperfixations interests (heLLO helen keller was badass AF and the roman empire was messed up but still v cool, anne frank was awesome too) i also may or may not have wanted to be a politician when i was younger alskdjfhalkdhj but now i’m just 🧍🏻‍♀️ lost and anyways you’re amazing >.< love u lots and don’t forget to drink water and eat a lil something hehe :p 

crying and shaking ZARIAAAA let me do a quick storytime if u don’t mind hehe

anyway we just had our last week of classes for high school and what our social studies teacher did was take the time to talk to us like in a friendly manner

and at the end he gave us a farewell message like “i hope to see you in the future successful but most importantly a good person. having ur humanity is important to me and if we ever see each other next time, all grown up don’t be shy to say hello. i might not pay attention to u at first, bc im usually grouchy but that’s how i am, but if u tell me ur name i will rmbr u as my student in my heart, corny i know.” (sorry he was saying this in our mother language)

and that was just ;_____; like this touched me especially classes aren’t face to face also he was a rlly good teacher and the only teacher that ive opened up to as an enby lesbian :-((( come to think of it, he kinda has the same vibes as levi, both short, grouchy n strict but very caring :-(((

but nyway now im thinking of grown up falco and gabi dating tgt and stumbling upon their two high school teachers who happened to be married :-(((

(also can i ask for ur honest thoughts on getting (long-ish) interactions like these >___<)

HELPP THATS SO SWEET trust me those kinds of teachers stay with you forever in your heart sometimes i think about them a lot 🤔

also omg i had a teacher like that for english last year 😞😞 he teaches in dubai now i think but i connected so well with him and he helped me out a lot when i had a panic attack once at school he was great.

also also i had a great french teacher she taught me a lot and i genuinely think i’d probably be a pretty bad person if it wasn’t for her guidance and support :-(

btw im proud you came out to your teacher that’s so cute i havent come out as bi to any of mine i dont think i will anytime soon bc the idea scares me but nonetheless v proud of u!!

AND the gabi and falco thing so true i’m imagining it too i can totally see it, it would v v v cute 😞

as for longer interactions like these i really enjoy them !! i rarely get them and i enjoy talking to ppl so feel free to drop by any time you like with anything you’d like to say :-) <3

tw: depressive/anxiety talk, suicidal thoughts

its 2:42 am while im writing this, because i cant sleep.

i thought distracting myself enough during the day through working on cosplays and watching youtube videos would help, but after a while it starts to become repetitive enough for my mind to start wandering. specifically to what led me to try and force myself to fixate on it as a distraction in the first place.

a lot of the babbling is going to be weird nonsense that only close friends of mine will get, or people who have no business being on my blog. you know who you are.

the last week has been me dealing with feelings of abandonment, anxiety, and depression. all drifting into an overall feeling of helplessness. not as bad, but feeling just as bad as when a very close friend had ghosted me in late 2018. not as intimidate either, woof, but still bad. 

i spoke up about one of my many feelings about a particular fandom issue in a way that got me into completely avoidable controversy by those who wanted to think ill of me. i was then baited into a spotlight of purposeful humiliation in front of people i either respected, tolerated, or have had the willingness to support thru my own wallet. 

i left the space due to not wanting to be further witch trialed, after already previously put in a panic due to things being dealt with in a less than mature light. my heart was racing, i had to go to work, and i kept trying to keep from tearing up at the wheel.

the conflict was stuff destined to build up. stuff unspoken about due to the unwillingness to solve issues early on and to make things easy on everyone involve. and in return, ive found a similar pattern that i have with many online situations; tolerant relationships to unspoken beefs, an eventual boiling point, and separation.

i think the thing that stings the most is that if anyone of witness to said spotlight thought of it to be too far, that im certainly not being assured that my relationships aren’t forever poisoned. that anyone is at my side or willing to speak up about how bad things are versus sweeping it under the rug like it never happened. i havent really had anyone directly a witness to it talk to me since. not that they have to, but it makes a situation feel less ignored, or eerily erased. less salt to a wound of previously short responses and ignored conversation from those (some) who enabled abuses of power.

good ol homestuck drama.

(i also keep getting accused of chasing for clout due to not being drastically defensive about sharing a space with others, but that’s its own thing.)

the night after, fitting enough, i got into a fight with my mom over something that didn’t call for dramatics. a very similar theme: she spoke over me, blamed me for things in a blatant form of manipulative psyche play, and threatened to kick me out of the space. after, i left the house during the warning of tornadoes to be by myself, and eventually stayed at a kind friend’s place. i cried and drove with a dead phone battery hoping to run into something by freak accident for the sake of not having to deal with the now. i dont think it was a panic attack? i wouldn’t know. 

a few days after, she asked me to help with groceries.

like nothing happened.

i asked my dad about it, and he was very centrist in his ideals and talked about what i should do better versus at all acknowledging the wrongs of my mom.

this is a theme that keeps happening.

i feel like this is always going to keep happening, bc these issues aren’t the firsts. i feel that if i keep attempting to go about my business in a space that something’s always going to come up regardless of how serious the situation actually is. and that someone is going to be out there waiting for me to slight them in some minimalist way to call fault while others know and do nothing.

the home life makes me feel like im no where close to leaving the situation easily, especially with little open help within proximity. i want to move, but it doesn’t seem likely for a good bit.

the fandom life makes me feel like my ability to create things for a series i care about is dampened due to direct behavior from those most relevant to it, and further more makes me unsure who i can casually converse with who hasn’t been told something. who pretends to be tolerable. most of the issues stemming from me venting in private spaces about callous situations (as if i’m the only one to have done this ever) , or from issues that never happened.

it’ll probably happen again for the hintings in this very vent: being put on a spotlight in front of multiple witnesses and contacts over a situation misconstruing my morality. fuck off if i dont have my own space to vent about being put in a vulnerable situation and my boundaries ignored.

i dont think im completely free of judged behavior. i just think others (guess whichever one at your leisure) are not exempt from their own, what it causes as a reactive antagonizing, and neither the people who’ve enabled continuation or dismissed the boiling points. 

i dunno. i felt like typing something out. the last week ive mostly felt glued to the couch.

i dont have a solution but if anything i just want to sleep so this isn’t on my mind.

ive been having very drastic thoughts recently since i feel backed into some kind of corner with the options my luck gives me, but i guess im lucky im too cowardly to do shit.

again, i was distracting myself with cosplay stuff earlier. ill probably distract myself with drawing on a later date. but i cant help but feel like things will either get worse or i’ll have to endure acting like things are fine. again.

i suppose the best thing is sticking to my own and continuing to do my own thing even if things dont look up. even tho ive been doing that.

that’s all.

night.

i feel like with the rise of skywalker coming out soon i just want to talk about this now, before the moment passes.

i dont know how many of my current followers were around for or are aware of that weird couple of years where rey skywalker believers and rey solo 'truthers' were pitted against each other for some strange reason? but, to recap: my rey solo theories got thousands of notes overnight. my main one got reposted on facebook half a million times. peter mayhew put it on his personal page. i made a thousand fucking dollars in commission in one month! at one point i had over twice as many followers as i had posts. i had more attention than i had ever bargained for.

but i Loved making the theories so damn much so i kept writing them. i just didn't know how to deal with the negative reaction; i played it really chill at the time - internalising that 'dont let them see you bleed' mentality.

i didnt want them to know they hurt me for a long time but i've changed my mind - now i do.

in the years between TFA and TLJ i had a seemingly small but semi-dedicated hate following who used to gather on various sites and talk shit about me like they knew me... basically just say hurtful bullshit. i guess they maybe thought i would never see it but didnt seem to care either way whether i did or not. after all, they never censored my url or anything. it encouraged hate - since they named me specifically so often their followers/friends would follow their lead and come be awful in my inbox. my own followers would link me to it, and i know they were just trying to warn me or something but honestly i didnt want to be warned, i wanted to be ignorant.

i was only 17 when TFA came out and grown adults were suddenly publically shit talking me and encouraging their followers to tell me i was delusional and stupid and to shut up.

it made me so paranoid. i was essentially a child and only 3 months out of a serious depressive episode when it all started so i wasn't really emotionally equipped to deal with it. especially not at the volume at which it came.

i got threatened. i honestly thought they might dox me. i eventually deleted all my selfies and any overtly specific personal stuff but it was so hard to be sure i got it all especially since once something gets reblogged on here its out of your hands forever. so i lived in and out of this kinda paranoid state. i was out as Bi on here and not to my family and suddenly there was this group who hated me and threatening me who knew something so intimate about me. And Then (irony) people came after me saying i was faking being the age i was bc i had nothing proving it ? that was fun. i knew i couldn't prove myself without exposing myself and that lead to the worst panic attack i had over the whole thing.

So, about my theory and where it is now, because i still get asks: It no longer exists publically and hasnt for almost 2 years. I didn't so much delete it as Let it get taken down by the news site hosting it. its still on my computer somewhere but honestly i didn't and don't want the conversation started up again properly because i know what it came with. i got asked so many times to update the theory for TLJ but the fact that TLJ allowed me and my theory to be forgotten was kinda a relief. i did a podcast called 'The Fordcast' around the time i was feeling really awful and i used to find it so embarrassing to play back because you can just Hear in my voice how broken i was discussing the topic by that point - this was in the months before TLJ came out. its awful but on some level i think at the time i was glad TLJ was shit? it gave me a good reason to take a big step back from the fandom.

the Only thing that ever made any of the hate worth it was the support i had from other fans and the discussions i had with them on this blog. i used to constantly tag how much i Loved this little community who sent me nice, interesting asks and like Shit i meant it - that was the main reason i kept on posting for a long time. so thank you. thank you so much if you were one of those people.

most of the indviduals who participated in and encouraged the hate against me are still pretty prominent on tumblr (f not in the star wars fandom anymore) and im not about to start shit. it was over two years ago. i never have and never will name names.

i know they probably dont and never have given me a second thought, but they, at least in part, ruined something i loved for me. i dont know if they'll ever see this but i wish they would because i want them to realise i wasnt some faceless unfeeling theory generator, no matter how prolific my theories were. i was an 17/18 yr old kid who was very aware of the nasty shit they were saying about me and it had a very real impact on my life.