#so I have like a few weeks to do everything that’s needed done for months + several more trips
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Treat You Better | CS55-> ? Fic & SMAU
order: Ex!Carlos x ChronicIll!Fem!Reader x Mystery Driver
flavor: angst
ingredients: angst, chronic illness, gaslighting, hurt/comfort, and fluff
You can't help but look at your past relationship and compare it to the one you have now.
bariata's note: Hi, this is my first real fic in the f1 fandom. It's more of test to see if people would be interested in more like this. I hope you enjoy what I've brewed up for you.
Sometimes you can't help but think about what you used to have.
Back when you and Carlos first got together you felt ontop of the world. You were in love and it felt like nothing could stop the rush you felt everytime you touched. You knew in your heart you loved him. You knew in your heart that he loved you too. Well, until you got sick.
It had started with the migraines.
They happened every few weeks coming and going like a tidal wave.
Eventually the migraines got closer and closer together until you got them daily.
They made you nauseous and every light became a potential trigger for a flare up.
You went from following Carlos from race to race to laying alone in the dark of your Monnaco apartment, in far too much pain to do anything.
That's when your relationship began to crumble.
It started with little things.
Carlos would complain about your constant rainchecks and I-Owe-Yous.
Next was the eyeroles and frowns whenever you mentioned your pain.
Overtime your body started to decline. Fatigue and exhaustion plagued your every waking moment. The aches and pains more pronounced as each day passed.
It was hard to stand and walk on your own.
As your body started to deteriorate so did your relationship.
What was originally little quips and snide remarks turned into white hot arguments.
Soon he was referring to you as:
"Too much" and "Exhausting"
You shot back that he was acting childish.
Not everything revolved around him and his needs. Things like this don't suddenly disappear because others find it tiring.
Until one day he'd had enough.
He'd locked you out of the apartment and threw out your things.
The two of you were done.
----
Looking back at that time you had felt so alone.
After you had broken up you moved into a little studio apartment that barely seemed fit for a person let alone a person with needs like yours.
Everything was too cramped and there was little you could do accessibility wise. You were renting the place after all.
----
But then he walked into your life.
It had been gradual at first.
He'd message or call you asking for an update since you'd went quiet on all your socials.
Soon enough he was inviting you over or coming to your place to visit.
It was incredibly cramped with the two of you in your little studio but you made it work.
He was so considerate of what you were feeling.
Whenever you cancelled he would just smile and say "Okay, there's always next time."
He was brazen and open about what he felt.
How he sat you down and point-blank made his intentions of "courting" you very clear.
You remember your first kiss.
You remembered how he cupped your cheek and asked permission before gently pressing your lips together in a chaste kiss.
He'd asked you to move in with him only a few months into your new relationship.
You agreed wholeheartedly. Your lease on your old studio apartment had been coming up anyways.
He happily helped you move in.
He didn't let you lift a single finger. Every little thing was taken care of. He hired a crew to move your stuff from your old studio to his place.
He was certainly full of surprises.
----
"Hey, y/n. Can you come over here and tell me if this is sturdy enough?" He asked you from the tile floor of the bathroom as he screwed a hand rail into the walls.
"What do you think about this one?" He asked as he passed you an ipad with plans for renovating the place.
"We can get the counters lowered and widen the space here so you can wheel your chair through and reach."
He installed ramps for all the doors.
He attached a wheel chair rack to every car he owned.
Since the house was two stories he even hired a guy to build a chair lift so you could reach the second floor.
Once your hands started shaking he would kneel down and tie your shoes for you.
Every little action was full of adoration.
He made it so easy to love him.
----
You're brought back to the present by a loud snore from right next to you.
Looking to your left you are met with the sleeping face of the love of your life.
You thumb over the pictures in your phone.
Smiling at the pictures you press post.
y/ninstagram
y/ninstagram In a world of boys, he's a gentleman.
#f1 x reader#f1 x you#f1 x y/n#carlos sainz x reader#max verstappen x reader#f1 fanfic#f1 imagine#f1 smau
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New Feelings
Request: garrick x reader. Full of fluff. Maybe their in a similar situation where their dragons are mated but recently ? And they start having these feelings they didn't have to block out before.
Requests Open.
Masterlist
Garrick and I had been friends since first year. He had been behind me on the parapet on conscription day. Giving words of encouragement as I slowly made my way across with shaky legs. If it had been anyone else behind me they would have pushed me off and let me die. But not Garrick. He had made sure I made it across. Capturing me in his arms as my legs gave out when I stepped off. Guiding me over to one of the benches to help me calm my nerves. Heights had never been my strong point. But I didn’t have a choice in being here. Neither had Garrick. Both children of the rebellion. Both marked to show what our parents had done.
Since that moment he had helped me with my training. Making sure I had what I needed to survive. He had become my life line for the first few months till we both bonded our dragons. Once that happened it was like something in me shifted, and it all became natural to me. I was no longer the scared girl who had shakily made her way across the parapet. I was a dragon rider. But it hadn’t stopped Garrick and I training together whenever we got the chance. And when the time came he brought me in on the supply runs to the Gryphon riders. It helped that our dragons got along well. Chradh and Nearte having a close friendship just like Garrick and I. Meaning they flew well together.
But at the end of second year they threw a spanner in the works for us. Chradh and Nearte becoming mated dragons. A bonded pair for life. Bonding Garrick and I to each other for life. I remember the night it happened. Graduation Night. At first I wasn’t sure what I was feeling. What had come over me. But that night Garrick and I had ended up in someone else’s bed to try subdue the feeling that had both taken us by surprise. The next morning Xaden had lost it as Garrick joined us for breakfast. Instantly knowing what had gone down due to having a mated dragon himself. We we’re both still on edge, the emotions our dragons we’re feeling over being newly mated still screaming at us down the bond. We’d both barely gotten any sleep despite going multiple rounds with the other riders we had taken to bed.
Xaden reaches into his jacket pocket and places a tin on the table between us before standing. “Split what’s inside. You two are going to need it to get through the next few days.” He teases before walking out of the hall.
Garrick reaches over and opens the tin. Churum. Something we definitely were not allowed to have in the quadrant. But as we met each others eyes, we knew we we’re going to need it if we wanted to get a good nights sleep before the school year started up again.
After that everything mostly turned back to normal, besides our dragons going at it nearly every night for the first few weeks. The churum only doing so much to dull the tsunami of emotions they sent down the bond. But as the days and weeks went on, as Garrick and I learnt to shield out the brunt of the emotions they sent down the bond, something else had changed. As if I had started to see Garrick in a new light. In a way I had never seen him before. And that’s how I found myself zoned out in challenges as I watched Garrick take on a guy in second year. My eyes trailing over his muscular physique on full show due to him removing his shirt. The sweat that accentuates every fine line.
”You ok Y/N?” Xaden asks from next to me.
I tear my eyes away from Garrick who has the second year easily pinned beneath him. “Yeah.. yeah I’m fine.” I tell him as confidently as I can.
He raises an eyebrow at me. “I’ve been trying to get your attention since his challenge started.”
”And?”
”That was two minutes ago.” He states bluntly.
Oh.
”Sorry just a bit distracted.” I tell him with a shrug, my cheeks burning as they flush.
Xaden looks at me before shifting his eyes to Garrick. A small smirk on his lips.
“About damn time.” He teases.
I narrow my eyes at him. “What do you mean about damn time?”
“The fact you have to ask that just proves how oblivious you are. Maybe this mated dragon thing will do you two some good.” He tells me with a chuckle as the bell ringing around the quadrant signals the end of challenges.
I look at him confused, what the hell was he talking about? But I was about to find out. I turn back to look at Garrick to see another girl walking up him. Reaching out to run her hand down his front. I instantly see red despite Garrick reaching out and stopping her. He does nothing to hide his displeasure at what she’s done. Garrick might get around, but he doesn’t like it being flaunted in front of the Quadrant publicly. But the girl still tries. Reaching out with her other hand. I must go to rush forward as Xaden grasps my wrist tightly in his hand.
”Is that jealousy?” Xaden teases.
I glare at him as I rip my wrist from his grasp, looking up to see Garrick looking at me with panic in his eyes. The girl trying to get his attention back as he just stares at me. I turn and rush from the room, wiping the angry tears that have fallen down my cheeks. I vaguely hear him calling my name as I rush through the Quadrant. Praying I can lose him. But he knows exactly where I’m running off to. And yet I don’t change my path. Head right where Garrick knows I will go. But at least I will be able to get a few moments before he arrives. I lean back against the tree as I lower myself to the ground, shutting my eyes and focusing on my breathing. I’d made a fool of myself. Let Xaden get in my head. But had he? I’d instantly seen red when that girl had walked over to Garrick. Instantly wanted to march over and tear her off him. Not something I had ever wanted to do before. This was just our dragons and them being mated now. This was nothing to do with actually wanting Garrick. Right? Heavy foot steps on the ground announce his arrival. I open my eyes to see him leaning on the tree next to me, arms crossed across his now clothed chest. Looking at me in a way I’ve never seen him look at me before.
”I think we need to talk darling.”
#fourth wing fanfic#garrick tavis#garrick tavis x reader#garrick tavis imagine#fourth wing x reader#the fourth wing#fourth wing#the empyrean
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The three fools
Random trope: You break up with them
Unedited/ mentions of homophobia/ cheating/ angst/ violence/ family drama
🐥I've watched too many reddit stories and needed to write sum succulent angst~😩
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Gustavo Rodríguez (Gus)
-You broke up with Gustavo because he was more in love with his ambitions than with you.
-You had loved and supported him through everything his entire life, his passion for surf, his unbreakable love for his family, his silliness, his slight awkwardness on the first few dates you two had...
-But the day an eighteen year old Gus told you about this retired US Marine he met while giving surfing classes to some tourists your whole relationship changed.
-You loved him and he loved you. But suddenly the idea of protecting Costa Rica at it's entity from cartel and soon protecting the whole world... Made Gustavo's love for you lessen as his heart focused mainly on his new dream of saving lives. Or at least that's how you felt...
-Seeing him daily on the beach turned into three days a week, later one single day a week and soon it became a miracle. Oh but that was only when he was a cop... Once he got the chance to become more, a higher ranked officer with more responsibilies in other city?
-Gus went home that day (you two lived together then because of an ugly fight about him barely being in your life anymore) he was eager to tell you all about this new job and the excitement he radiated brought a weak smile on your face. You loved his passion, but you dreaded his absence...
-He said you guys had to move cities for this job and you straight up said "no." After a very heated argument about his job, about the life and family you were leaving behind because of HIS ambitions... You told him he could be free to leave.
-"There's no one I love more than you." You said.
-"Then come. Support me like you've always done! If I'm so important to you, mi amor... Why don't you please, PLEASE, come with me!? Cómo diablos is this going to work if I don't have you by my side!?"
- "I stopped being important to you the moment that American planted the seed of a new dream on your brain, Gus... Now answer me. Would you pick your dream over our future together?"
-He went silent, his lower lip quivering under his moustache. He tried blinking the tears away, big hands flexing on the rails of your porch.
-"I'll pack your stuff and send it to your mom's. Good luck on this new job, osito... I knew you could make it... I always have faith in you and I know you will do better for this country."
-The way Gus looks at you with betrayal and heartbreak written all over his glossy amber eyes will haunt you forever. And yet... You spent so many nights grieving his absence that breaking up with him now felt... Inevitable..."
-"Pero yo te amo, princesa-" He choked out in a sob, he was trembling, legs giving up under his weight until he dropped on his knees not caring if any neighbors saw you two.
-"I want to marry you... I want to see the world with you..." Gus cried, voice cracking constantly in desperation, his long lashes wet as fat tears un across his face. It was such a heartbreaking sight you felt like you were dying.
-"Don't make this more difficult than it already is Gus..."
-And with that, you closed the door behind you leaving a broken man on your doorstep. Soon his father and sister came to collect Gustavo's things without saying a word to you, his dad did look at you in sorrow clearly saddened by how things had turned. His sister? After collecting everything and before leaving she slapped you across the face and that was the last interaction you had with his family.
Enzo Reyes (Reyes)
-You left Reyes because he betrayed your heart.
-You two met when you were transfered from KorTac to SpecGru.
-You couldn't stand each other but eventually with much help from your two mutual friends and coworkers, Reyes relented on being an asshole and you actually started to enjoy his annoying self.
-A few months being friends was enough until you confessed and to your surprise he actually voiced his reciprocation. Though you never felt like it was sincere enough.
-One year together and the fights you used to have at the beginning before being friends returned. It came as a surprise, how irritable this man had become from one day to the other... It worried you deeply.
-So you did what you tried to avoid doing ever since the pointless fights begun. You have Reyes an ultimatum, and he laughed like it was the funniest joke, like he didn't believe you had the courage to leave him over how irritable he had gotten.
-You felt like someone had kicked you in the gut, it suddenly hit you that perhaps you truly were at fault here. That perhaps he was right, that you were seeing too much Into things and were being unfair and had to accept how your lover was.
-Enzo did seem less tense after seeing you less reactive to his sudden bursts of anger and weeks later, the Canadian could feel nothing but pity for you and shame on himself.
-He told you this while being drunk as a Dane. Though he never really explained why, you though he felt ashamed for treating you wrongly and you weren't that far from the truth.
-The reality was, Enzo started feeling bad about the affair he was hiding behind your back.
-Half a year of your relationship he had met this beautiful civilian girl who worked on a mall near the base and lived closer to his apartment. At first they just shared small talk as he was a regular at the coffee shop she ran, but soon he invited her to his apartment and many outings together (while you were off on missions too far to know what was happening) they begun having intercourse. It wasn't serious, just a quick fuck and she'd be gone.
-What Reyes realized when you celebrated your one year anniversary was that he had begun craving her touch so often while you guys were working or at base together it made him lash out to you for the stupidest of reasons. That's why he felt shame. Not because he was cheating you, but because he couldn't keep his composure.
-The fool thought he actually had enough reasons to cheat on you and promised himself that if you were to find out he'd straight up admit it and excuse himself.
-So one day you two sat on the old couch of the base, his arm wrapped around you while you scrolled through his gallery reminiscing in old memories Reyes had captured and held on lovingly on multiple albums on his phone. But something picked your attention.
-There was an album called "her". He didn't name it after you, like he didn't know your name, that's weird...
-But when you pressed to open it he was too late to make you unsee what you saw. There were tons of pictures of nudes and videos of himself and some other woman you have never seen. You were silent thinking at first that perhaps this was his ex and these were old pictures he had forgotten to delete... But looking at Reyes... He was already explaining the cheating like he was talking about his gym routine.
-You stand up then and he takes his phone from your hands with a quick snatched and a carefully put neutral expression.
-Enzo rolled his eyes thinking he'd have to endure your temper tantrum but thought it was fair since you always seemed to endure his.
-Instead you whispered with a constricting throat: "I'm sure she's worth it, Reyes." You never called him by his last name and he didn't like this broken side of you one bit. "Good luck."
-"Sure. Call me when you stop crying so we can talk this like real adults, we could even go on dates together. Wouldn't that be nice?" He smirked and you were gone.
-Reyes though you'd be okay by the end of the week but he never saw you again.
-His world crumbled on his shoulders when one of the other operators casually mentioned that you had gotten transfered once more.
-Safe to say, he had broken things off with the civilian girl and begun his incessant search of where exactly you had been transfered to. He wasn't going to let you go without a fuss.
Nila Brown (Nova)
- You left Nova because of her family.
-Your relationship with Nova was perfect, she was sincere, loving, caring and protective of you.
-But her family never took your relationship seriously, often calling you her "little friend" and her "Rebellious phase." That was when you two were teenagers. But she was a thirty year old woman now and they kept calling you that.
-You two had a little apartment near her base, you worked on a flower shop while she was dealing with cartel, terrorists of any kind and any danger imaginable around the world.
-To say you were worried about your girlfriend was an understatement.
-You often spent most Fridays on her brother's house, her little nieces and nephews always loved to see you and spend time with you as her brother and his wife went out. Of course you did it for free, they never fully treated you like family but you'd get there! You were sure of it! After all... Almost twelve years had passed and there wasn't even a picture of you on the wall of any of her relative's houses.
-You couldn't fathom on how many more years you had to spend with your loving girlfriend to call her your wife and be part of the family.
-You two had briefly talked about marriage before but it seemed a topic she wasn't comfortable on approaching. You sure it was because of the "light" homophobic mentality of Nila's parents but wasn't your love worth fighting for?
-Then an idea popped up.
-Maybe you had to show her how truly in love with her you were, how after eleven years together you were more than ready and willing to step up and marry her.
-You had your mother's ring your father had given you years after her passing because he was convinced (and very right) that you'd love to propose Nova with it.
-You knew it had to be now or never. So you spent weeks preparing a wonderful surprise for your girlfriend.
-When she came back from a long mission you had planned a beautiful dinner at your father's restaurant. He had placed a table on the garden you arranged yourself while the rest of the family hid behind some bushes.
-Nova was crying overjoyed by the beautiful date you had surprised her with totally clueless that her family had picked on your intentions of proposing when your father messaged them to come and support your union. They went bananas.
-When you finished dinner you had given Nila a beautiful speech of how lucky you felt for getting to spend so many years by her side and how you wished to make it official before you took your mother's ring and got on one knee in front of her.
-Her beautiful milky cheeks went red, eyes so teary with so many emotions she struggled to keep her sobs low. She was nodding eagerly, her delicate trembling hands reaching out your way so you'd could slide the ring on her finger.
-Your family cheered you two, your father and aunt going so emotional they couldn't keep their cameras still so they could film the moment perfectly. Your father actually was a little upset that Nova's family was arriving late but he didn't voice it out as he thought they'd be on time for the celebration. Your family was clueless of how cruel and disgusting your girlfriend's family behaved around you two because you didn't have the gal to tell them.
-They found out pretty quickly though. Because as soon as your family approached you two, Nova's mother rushed with this crazed look on her eyes and snatched the ring off of her daughters finger, Nova was horrified, her father soon following after along with her brother picking up a fight with your confused father who tried to calm everyone down even though he was clueless of what the issue was.
-You were stupefied as Nova's family had the balls to put up a fight with anyone on their way because they couldn't stand her daughter saying yes to you. A woman. Her childhood best friend. Her little secret and her personified rebellious stage.
-You cried as your supposed to be mother in law smacked you, scratched you and cursed you out in front of your family and girlfriend while you tried to take back the ring of your mother she had firmly tried to steal from you.
-Nova did absolutely nothing seemingly torn between her family's approval and the wellbeing of her fiance. The sight of you bloodied and in tears as you were attacked by the woman who raised her had broken something inside her, her heart beating so fast she could barely hear your pleas and cries for her to intervene. Nova knew then that any field of battle was far more preferred than the beautiful garden where your proposal had taken place filled with your families fought for your union.
-Your aunt had pushed the old woman off of you and had taken you inside while Nova did nothing but feel guilty as her parents scolded her instead of following behind you. She was in shock, she couldn't react and that'd be a regret she'll carry for the rest of her life.
-As it turns out, your father had kicked Nova's family from the restaurant and promised to file a report to the police if they were to come back or try to touch you in any way.
-You went to your father's home as Nova's mother had stepped on your mother's ring before your aunt could help you breaking the beautiful gemstone to pieces...
-You didn't hear a word from Nova until two weeks later, she tried to call you many times on that time but you didn't pick it up until you decided to meet with her at your workplace with your aunt because you were afraid she'd show up with any of her relatives.
-Nova was a wreck, she had bags under her eyes, she looked tired than usual, more tired than when she came back from any long mission. She sobbed when she saw you arranging the cash register. You couldn't look at her.
-When she begun talking to you, pleading to fix things and begging for your forgiveness you sighed still looking downwards.
-"I spent more than a decade with you. I had loved you unconditionally even when your family verbally attacked and humiliated me and you did nothing to stop them only making excuses after excuses." You were perplexed you could even say this without breaking down. Your girlfriend cried biting down her lip to contain her sobs. "But that night changed everything..."
-You were a husk. A shell of the woman she loves, like what happened had robbed you of your kind, cheerful spirit, like you were dead in life.
-"And I'm afraid... You can't do nothing to repair my broken heart."
-The moment your trembling fingers placed the broken ring of your mother on the counter Nila covered her mouth with her hand horrified at the sight a soft "B-baby..." Falling from her quivering lips. She felt nauseous, like she was about to throw up and you actually had to rush to lay her on the floor because she was loosing balance.
-Your aunt had rushed in when she saw what was happening and your now ex lay fainted on the ground.
-You two drove to the apartment you two used to share, placed her on your bed and called her brother. Your aunt told you to leave, willing to put up with the uncomfortable encounter but you refused.
-To your surprise her brother showed up with a somber look. Almost like his sister's. He sat on the couch as Nova had woken up and tried to drink some water. He couldn't look at you and you couldn't look at none of them.
-"I'm sorry." He said. But you stayed silent.
-"I love you..." Nova blurted and soon as she spot you. You were standing up then, you gave her a short glance, took your aunt's hand and went to your door. "Goodbye Nils. I'll grab my things tomorrow."
#call of duty modern warfare#cod#gustavo rodriguez#my gustavito#mi osito gordito#call of duty#gus x reader#cod gus#cod reyes#enzo reyes x reader#enzo reyes#nila brown#call of duty nova#nova x reader#the three fools
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my whole body hurts SO BAD
#my back hurts pretty bad. i can tune it out a little but not ignore it. i think this is making the rest of my spine really tense? and#shoulders too? and i’ve also been getting headaches almost every day#im still a little sick but it’s probably just gonna linger until i can rest which can’t happen for a few more days (i say this like#every week though no?)#hands and wrists are like. bad worse than usual#like both numb and painful and it’s taking a lot more focus to do things nimbly or not stop stuff#*drop stuff#ankles have kinda been sore i think just from walking so much which is manageable#but it’s hard with everything else rn. also i think i kinda pulled something yesterday because i almost hit it onto the concrete while#almost BIT IT not hit#walking at night#felt like a pull? but it was painless but then i ran across the street and a numbness shot up my leg#and it’s a little tingly today#i think i need to build some more core strength honestly#and get enough sleep more than one night per week#also probably more stretches for hands and wrists#ideally i’d also love to not be enormously stressed but i do not see this happening!#im actually less stressed this week but i think the months and months if not years have done their damage#also getting beat up for fun. which i think is objectively funny to layer over all this but yknow. i think that detracts from my overall#stress & doesn’t contribute to bad exhausting pain#(-:<
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they're finally home. i haven't opened the packages yet but after four years my girls are finally home.
#while i understand getting overwhelmed and appreciate the apology for months at a time of no contact#(only broken because i would eventually beg for a reply.)#i just cannot accept their apology yet nor in good conscience recommend them again#it hurts though. I loved the work and care that went into Zoe - which took a few months - that I sent her mom & sister when their time came#.....four years ago#i need to look them over before I leave to help Grandpa before his surgery in a day or two#but I'm trying to build myself up the willpower to do so.#it'll definitely knock me out for at least good day (if not week) of mourning and that's... difficult to plan around.#but it needs done to make sure everything is there#the last thing I need it for it to be six months from now and hitting the memorialist up like 'hey do you have spare paws over there?'#'cuz yeah either my cat was magic or y'all forgot to include them.'#(and knowing my luck. that's exactly what would happen 😭)
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...
#i was supposed to spend the last 2 days prepping and relaxing for the start of this big project tomorrow#but ive spent thr last 2 days frantically coding as fast as i could and focusing v hard to get a lot of bullshit done#and ive fixed things since yesterday. the changes i had to make were too too bad bc the thing that went wrong was so fucking weird#but it should be okay by tomorrow. knock on wood. but this does mean ive done fuck all to prep for tomorrow#so we r winging it bby. ugh. just gotta fucking pray that everything goes ok. pls let nothing b broken and let everything seal properly 🙏#i was also supposed to meet with my boss today. probably for her to make sure i dont fuck up this project but apparently their safety hood#was having an emergency... whatever that means. so im sure shes having a week as well. and im free to fuck everything up for everyone#ugh. im so. theres a certain point in burning out where youre not really in pain anymore. you dont really feel anything all your joy and#hope dissolves away and u just exist to be useful. and i feel like its easier to maintain that than trying to b happy#i do not advise that bc its a fucking miserable. wasteful way to live but i dont really have time to try for anything better#god. i really hope my measurements friday dont take a full 8hrs. i dont know if i can handle that. literally i would have stay intensely#focused with my brain being Interrupted every 5min so i can manually record data points. its gonna b agony#so that fun. but maybe it wont. maybe itll be great and fun and ill have a wonderful time. seems unlikely but ya never kno#lets not think abt the fact that having to rush all this is preventing me from being able to do all thr other bullshit i need to get done#to prepare for the future. future? what future? hard to imagine from the bottom of this pit im digging myself#sigh. in a few months i can leave this place and never come back. soon but not soon enough#lol i was literally crying listening to cold play earlier bc idk thats the type of music my parents would put on at parties in summertime#so it evokes a v specific mood. which is i guess me hiding away from ppl at parties haha#back when i didnt have to worry abt things so much and i could just listen to the frogs chirping and watch the fireflies#oh god. now my boss is asking if i reached out for help tomorrow. no. lady i would rather drink bleach than have to direct an undergrad#tomorrow. its 10pm im fucking tired. just let me be sad. did i reach our for help? no my brain is on fire#tomorrow is gonna b a long day ugh#unrelated
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Guilt tripping me for being busy and tired and disabled will not make me less busy and tired and disabled nor will it make me want to carve out time for u any sooner lol
#dude i Just finished the semester. in the 3 days since it ended I’ve had a drag show and a trip 2 hours+ away#and I have another class that starts today and is faster paced than regular classes.#and I move back to campus in less than a month for work.#so I have like a few weeks to do everything that’s needed done for months + several more trips#ofc I wanna also see the people I care abt especially ones I’m physically closer to rn but chill I literally just got back#I HATE when ppl make me feel bad for not having time or not making them my number 1 priority and think that’s like. cute. or will work#like oh shit u got me let me just start having free time. for u. not bc I’m extremely burnt out and fatigued and miss having hobbies#even if I could choose to just have any given day free I wouldn’t do so if that’s how ur gonna act#shaming me is not cute it does not work it makes me wanna just isolate and that’s coming from an absolute extrovert#anyways catch me spending time w my new main partner on a weekly basis bc they’re actually Cute Clingy and not guilt trippy clingy#mine#txt#personal
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Even though I knew it was coming I’m still freaking out over the interview for a summer internship.
#like do I still want to take it if I have to live in Las Vegas for three months? probably#but it would be so stressful#I’m sorta hoping they want a hybrid thing where I can go in person for the first few weeks then work from home once I understand the method#I’ve never done mo cap animation and that’s intimidating#I thought I’d take law over the summer but now I don’t know if I should#but if I get this internship it would mean I get to skip a project class which would be cool#although I don’t know if I want to bail on my team or if I’d still need the next project semester#it’s all complicated but I know everything will be okay it’s just scary#ramblies
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i figured this week was gonna cause a meltdown, i just hoped i’d make it til friday :/
#my job officially sucks now bc we’ve hit the 3 month mark and thats when all jobs suck#and now i’m apparently working 28 hour weeks#and the store is closing so i’m gonna have to transfer to a new store 20 min away#and i haven’t eaten today yet#and all my nails are broken from work bc the stupid shelves needed to be moved and shit#and the grocery store was a hassle and i onyl got a few things but it was still expensive#and everything EVERYTHING is just so frustrating to do and can’t just be done quickly#i keep fucking up and needing to redo it multiple times#i just#and i keep telling myself i don’t care but no one at work uses they/them for me even tho its on my nametag#even most of my coworkers#and it’s not like im gonna correct them#im juat too tired#im too tired#and i want to cut my hair and make soup and do stuff but im so tired and there’s no time#i don’t know what to do#i’m really sorry i try not to post vents very much#it doesn’t make me feel good#im sorry
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ive got an exam in a bit over an hour and im cramming for it bc i spent all of yesterday thinking about trigun instead of studying. whatup
#speculation nation#and i didnt go to my fucking classes so i dont know this shit#this is my own fault lol. ugh#i just got vaguely suicidal a few weeks ago in response to school & my brain just COMPLETELY checked out to cope#im fine. but this is probably why ive been focusing on trigun so hard#my brain focusing HARD on the thing that brings me happiness. and focusing the Bare Minimum on what doesnt#which is troublesome when im still in the middle of the semester! lol!#any effort ive put in has been after wrangling my brain Extensively. bleh#work is taking about all of my Negative Experiences effort. i got none to spare for Anything else!#even dishes... no joke i havent done my dishes in like a month and im kinda scared to do them now lol#i did not do them yesterday. i did wash 2 mugs and 1 bowl as i made some grilled cheeses#so it could be worse. but i really just need to go for it#i have a feeling im not gonna be able to until after i finish my everything lol. haha#suicide ment/#listen i scared myself badly enough that i signed myself up for therapy. that's how you know it's bad#when me. mr Hates Therapy willingly puts myself into therapy. bleugh
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sigh
#echos#i hate needing recovery days on days when there is literally Nothing Happening#like only a few youtubers im subscribed to have uploaded today#and im not in the middle of watching a series#and i dont have any new games to play#im just Bored with not much to do#but I need to recover because I spent all of last night cleaning my room#and that's like a once-a-month activity that usually results in me being KOd for the rest of the week#it's just sometimes my brain is all like DO TASK DO TASK DO EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW GET STUFF DONE HELL YEAH#and i'm just like HELL YEAH PRODUCTIVITY I AM DOING THINGS I AM GETTING THINGS DONE!!#and then I just don't notice that my body is at its limit#until I'm done and i just collapse#and then I just have to sit and Recover for the next few days#it makes me think of manic episodes but i know i'm not bipolar so idk what this is
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I am deleting tumblr off my phone again ✌🏻
#I have a queue going so you'll still see 'me' even though it won't be me lol#(it is down under 300 which is WILD!!! for idk close to two years I think it stayed right around 1000. I finally cleared my likes lol)#I have so many things I need to do and with starting my field tech stuff in two weeks#and grad school in a few months#I just want to be removing myself from social media#in order to hopefully focus better#I still have it on my computer. I'm not deleting my account#but I just feel I need the mental space big time and have been feeling almost confined by social media lately#I am also deleting youtube off my phone#I want to spend my time studying and I have been thinking about maybe starting more traditional journaling?#everything I post here is basically a journal entry. so I feel like it would be nice to start writing that physically in a notebook#I also need to pack!!!! I have been getting tasks done but I move saturday and my apartment isn't even half packed lol
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kinda mad I figured out how to study literally 2 weeks before I’ll never have to do it again
#it’s FINE it’s transferable I’m gonna have a lot of independent work to do over the next. up to 6 years. insane to think abt that#but goddamn I’m like? enjoying this now??#and that’s combination of having no other demands on my time + immediate and desperate need to do it#but ALSO. turns out I kinda like this. wild#adding this to the Fuck This Place pile#but yeah apparently what I have to do is 1. be out of the house. this is the first and most important step#2. have music on that’s familiar + mostly me fucking around with whatever pops into my head#3. have some kinda tracker so I can see number go up#but yeah setting regular times to be out the flat and not worrying abt work so much unless I WANT to outside of that has saved my life#saying this now for future reference so that Luke in 2 weeks-6 months time doesn’t completely forget everything#but also. I’d honestly be chill with doing lecture notes for a while longer#like at the rate I’m going currently I’d be done within a few weeks but if I had free time during term time I’d probably be able to keep up#alas. 8 days.#im making progress im gonna have at least half the content done and with how I’m prioritising that SHOULD be enough#it’s gonna be fine#library in t minus 24 minutes and I can return to nodulation <3#luke.txt
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.. i may or may not be having a panic attack right now help
#THERES JUST SO MUCH HAPPENING IN THE NEXT FEW WEEKS ITS JUST TOO MUCH#i have my menu that im doing for the college restaurant and im so stressed im going to fuck up serving it somehow#i have 3 seperate college assignments that need done in the next few weeks#my doctors also increased my meds which also feels really stressful like what it i start having bad symptoms again for a few weeks#i also have a concert im going to next month which i need go down to london for#AND THATS NOT EVEN EVERYTHING#WHY IS THERE SO MUCH HAPPENING ALL AT THE FUCKING SAME TIME I CANT HANDLE THIS MUCH LONGER#vent
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#finally finished all my dmv stuff! now I just have to wait for my updated ID to arrive in the mail!!!#tag talk#now I just need to update all my miscellaneous records and bank and apartment and work and dr office etc. but like... I'M DONE THE BIG STUFF#and I have a dr follow up in two weeks where I should get my first hrt scrip dog willing. it's all coming together and honestly I feel great#like. huge weight off my shoulders. life finally coming together. energy freed up to work on other stuff#I wish to hell and back that I could time travel back to high school me. I was so hopeless and had no idea why.#everything was wrong and bad and I couldn't do anything about it except hope that my mind stabilized by the time I hit my twenties.#I didn't even realize I was trans then. I just thought my body issues were over being gay.#honestly just seeing my future self would mean everything. I'm working on holding onto the weird I had back then but in a healthier way#I was still fighting against my dad buzzing my hair every few months. I ended up performing masculinity in such a weird way to compensate.#flaunted my scars as the only way of rebelling that I really had. proving I wasn't okay while refusing the christian help I was offered#everything I've told younger kids. taught younger cousins. taught other people. it's stuff I wish I could have known back then#stuff I've learned on this blessed hellsite. idk. it's all coming together. I'm becoming who I am#something something Lincoln Park all I want to do is be less like you and be more like me#I just. I'm alive again. New first name new last name new middle name but I'm still the same person I've always been#I'm not changing who I am. I'm changing all my tags to accurately reflect my content. I'm updating the summary to show what I contain#I'm shedding the costume I was pushed into and showing the true skin beneath.
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A Much Needed Interview (OP81)
(Part 2 of Teen Dad)
Summary: After the shock of Oscar revealing himself to be a former teen dad, he joins an interview in the hopes of clearing everything up and limiting the overwhelming amount of questions he has been getting.
“Oscar, it is nice of you to sit down with us. I know it has been an interesting few weeks for you and your family. How are you guys all doing?” The interviewer asks.
‘Yeah, y’know, I had expected to one day have to open up about it all, but I never thought I’d have to do it the way I did. It has been fine, obviously my kids are young enough to not be impacted because they aren’t on social media, but it has been strange for my fiancée who is now getting hundreds of requests on her private account. I have sort of decided to take a break from social media because the response has been overwhelming and like none before. Mostly positive but I think a few people have gotten the wrong idea so I was hoping to clear everything up.” Oscar rambled. He was more nervous about this interview than any he had done before.
“Of course. Why don’t we start at the beginning, how did you and your fiancée meet?”
“We actually met at one of my races. She went to support one of her close friend’s brothers. After the race that I sadly didn’t do too well in, I saw her with her friend and I was kinda frozen in my spot, immediately head over heels. Sadly, it seems like everyone but her noticed. I was too scared to do anything so I just watched her leave. I think I sulked for days, totally regretting my decision to do nothing. A totally heartbroken 16 year old. I looked for her every single race until she finally came back a few months later.”
“Oh please tell me you finally got the confidence to shoot your shot.”
“Nope! I just stared at her and stuttered when she caught me looking then ran off. I then had an amazing race, I think part of me was just trying to make up for the embarrassment and luckily it seems my car got the memo. After the race she came up to me and asked for my number.” God, he was blushing profusely at the memory. He knew he would be getting slack for this for a very long time.
“Such a story! The young Oscar Piastri was no ladies’ man.”
“He was absolutely not. Soon after we started dating.” Oscar awkwardly laughed, sensing what was about to come up.
“And then kids came shortly after?” The interviewer asked with care in his voice, certainly able to sense Oscar’s change in attitude.
“Yeah. Uh, obviously not planned. I don’t think many people plan to become parent’s at 18. It was a shock… I didn’t handle it the best at first, something I think I will always regret. She was scared and while so was I, I should have been more supportive. I was embarrassed for a while. Felt like a total idiot. I didn’t tell anyone outside of my family and made them swear to secrecy. I also began to isolate myself from friends because I couldn’t bring myself to tell them but also felt terrible lying. A few months in I finally snapped myself out of it and began to focus on all the wonderfulness that was to come. I loved her more than anything and I would be lying if I said I hadn’t already imagined a life together in great detail. By the time we found out it was twins, a boy and a girl, I was ecstatic.”
“Well mate, I don’t blame you for your feelings. I definitely would have been a terrible father at 18 so I salute you.” The interviewer joked.
“Honestly, I had the same thought for a while, even when I was excited to have kids. I had so many doubts about it, I mean how could I not? But when it came down to it, I couldn’t afford to be anything less than a great father. Of course I had my moments, and still do years later, but I wouldn’t be able to let myself be anything less than I am. If you love your kids enough, you find a way.”
“How did having kids so young impact your career? Obviously it didn’t hurt it too much considering you are in your second year driving in Formula 1.”
“Well, I decided I wouldn’t advertise my situation unless a team was very serious about me. Prema knew, Alpine did too and of course McLaren does. All were welcoming and accommodating, as much as they could be. I don’t think I would have gone with any of them if they weren’t cool with it though. I realized the minute my kids were born I would give it all up for them, which scared the hell out of me.”
“That is admirable. All these years later you are still with their mother, correct?”
“Yes! I asked her to marry me over break. Everyone close to us had been confused as to why it took so long but we had discussed marriage together many times and made the decision that because our relationship moved so fast with having kids so young, we would wait a bit. I mean, we are still young but I honestly couldn’t wait any longer. She is everything to me and the most wonderful mother my kids could have.”
“Have your kids been around the paddock yet? I assume they are old enough to understand what you do.”
“They have been to the factory and come with me to meetings when we haven’t had a sitter for them. Luckily, they are both very well behaved in public, they also really like watching the races on tv and have somewhat of an understanding of what I do. They don’t believe I actually drive the car though.” Oscar rumbled. Trying to convince his twins that yes, their father actually does drive the cars they see going super fast, has been an ongoing issue. They seem to believe he is tricking them but have no problem believing Uncle Logan and Uncle Lando drive the cars. It has definitely humbled him immensely.
“Well you will have to fix that soon huh? Will they be attending races in the future?”
“I am trying to work that out with my fiancée actually. They are almost four so we don’t want them traveling too far, I also don’t believe they will be able to be entertained solely by the race the entire time so we have a lot to deal with. But I think seeing them on the paddock supporting me will be one of the best moments of my life. I selfishly can’t wait for them to come.”
The interview wrapped up shortly after that. Getting to reminisce on the start of his relationship and how far they have come and how many wonderful things are in the future put Oscar in a deliriously happy mood. He couldn’t wait to get home to his family.
Walking through the door, he was immediately welcomed to the sound of toddler meltdowns. Fully entering the house, he saw his very tired fiancée rubbing her face as she tried to calm her babies down. Clearly this had been going on for a while.
Despite how upset she looked, she immediately perked up at seeing Oscar had returned. But that immediately went away as she remembered the screaming kids and how messy the house and herself were.
“Sorry honey, I know you are probably so tired after the interview and meetings earlier and these two missed their nap so they are so cranky and I just-” He cut her off with a kiss. Once he pulled away she looked at him, perplexed. A kiss from Oscar was never unwelcome but it was the last thing she expected at that moment.
“Hey, look at me.” He said as he put a hand on her cheek. “I love you and our little family so much and you never, ever have to apologize for something as trivial as this. Why don’t you go get in the bath and relax a little and I will try to wrangle these two, okay?”
In her eyes, Oscar had never been hotter than he was now. Now it was her turn to surprise him with a kiss, even more passionate than the first. They would have continued if it hadn’t been for more screaming from their two kids.
Still, Oscar wouldn’t change a thing.
#formula 1 x reader#formula 1 imagine#f1 x reader#f1 imagine#f1 fanfic#oscar piastri x reader#oscar piastri#op81 fluff#op81 imagine#op81 x reader
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