eva straight up admitting that she's the most suspicious person is an interesting play to make. like yes given everything it's the most logical move but it does create that hypothetical double bluff scenario where you're not sure how far you can trust this supposed candid honesty

i am... so sorry

i... i made it. might as well just straight up submit it to you, eh?

---

Caustic is a patient man. On par with Bloodhound with how calm he is.

But the new addition to the league of Legends?

He was testing him.

  “Going here—follow me and I’ll gut you like a fish!” the new subject called out, sprinting ahead into the obviously-already-scoured Drill Site, where open doors and unlocked Supply Bins emphasized how already searched this place was. Caustic scowled and followed Revenant, ignoring the threat from the latter. Their third teammate, an unremarkable newbie that almost died six times, follows suit, nervously trailing Caustic.

Revenant, of course, reached the ping faster than the rest of them, having both made the ping and sprinted there. He threw open a door and fired into the building, shooting the small Silencer ability he had. Suddenly, he spoke into the comms, “Whole squad down. Waitin’ like sitting ducks, really.”

“You should have waited for us—they could have—”

“Shut it. Their blood is on the floor and not mine. That’s what matters most,” the simulacrum snapped, irritation bleeding into his voice. He took mostly everything from the deathboxes, and slipped onto a roof, leaving Caustic to plant traps in a house he was soon to leave.

Soon enough, another Squad that had just fled the torturous space outside the Ring headed into the Drill Site, desperately searching for cover. One of them—Wattson, Caustic realized sadly— headed into the booby-trapped house, immediately choking on the new-and-improved hydrogen sulfide gas. She fell quickly, the Ring having depleted her health significantly. Fortunately, the gas emitted from the traps hid her face as she fell, weakly reaching for the nearest human.

Caustic stepped over the lifeless corpse and looked outside, seeing that his teammate had—once again—fallen, what little blood they have gushing out rapidly, quickly killing them. Revenant, however, was holding his own easily, peering through his fully kitted Sentinel, sending round after round in the already-weakened Squad. Eventually, the two of them finally realized that peeking the quick, efficient robot might not be the best idea. So, they hid.

Revenant scoffed, and slung his Sentinel on his back, taking out the EVA-8 he wasn’t much of a fan of. Both him and Caustic stalked towards the small building, the latter priming his ultimate, taking the small gas grenade and preparing to throw it.

A frag grenade flew past them, poorly thrown. Then, Caustic threw his grenade inside, the ghost of a smile under his mask. Revenant threw open the door and fired at the coughing and choking subjects, the ammo ripping them apart. When both of them fell and the cloud of gas dissipates, the two victors stand above the dying victims. Revenant slipped behind his target and snapped their neck, while Caustic stepped towards his frightened target, and punched them thrice.

Their deathboxes appear and the two victors set to work looting them.

After a few minutes, Revenant says, “I saw Sparks go into your death house. Did you kill her?”

“Yes.”

The simulacrum picks up on the lilt of sadness instantly. “Don’t feel bad. She’s just another skinsuit—”

In an instant, the skeleton-esque robot is pinned against the wall, a boxcutter nearly digging into his eye and a Devotion about to shatter his limbs. “I can tolerate your vulgar and unnecessary comments. I can tolerate your views towards teamwork. I even share some. But you will not insult—”

“Touched a nerve?” Revenant laughed, before a receiving a shot to the stomach, or where it would be if he was human. He fell, wires and faux blood pooling underneath him. A wheezing noise punctuated by static emanated from his voice box. Caustic stepped on his neck and snapped it, destroying the connection between the rest of Revenant’s body and his brain.

“I know you’ll live through this—I’ve yet to invent something to melt metal. But I hope you have fun.”

Then, the chemical scientist strode out of the building, leaving Revenant to silently be consumed by Ring, sacrificing a win in the process.

    When they both returned to the Ship—where every official Legend lives until the season ends, when they can visit loved ones or go home for a bit—Caustic immediately went to his room, where he reveled in the satisfaction of breaking the smug bastard. After shedding the gear and slipping into more comfortable clothes—a t-shirt with the periodic table and grass-green sweatpants, as well as galaxy crocs— he walked into the hallway that connected everyone’s room, only to be shoved back into his room by a particularly pissed-off Revenant.

“The fuck was that?!” was his first question, slamming the door shut with an audible ‘bang’. Faintly, Caustic heard Renee ask, “What was that?”. Pathfinder, oh-so-helpfully, replied, “Revenant! He’s probably just going to talk with friend Caustic!”

Nox responded, “I could ask you the same thing.”

Revenant, who had orange sparks flying off him and a distinctly burnt look, wrapped a hand around Caustic’s throat and lifted him into the air, fuming. “What. Was. That. You snapped my fucking neck, you—”

Renee opened the door, saw the scene before her, and closed the door promptly. Revenant dropped Caustic, leaving the man to regain his breath. “I told you I did not tolerate you insulting people I care about. Leave.”

“Not a chance—I’m gonna rip you limb from limb you miserable skinbag—” Revenant lunged at Caustic, who quickly grabbed a hammer he kept from a project and swung it at the robot, who’s midsection crumpled under the force, damaging the electric flow that allowed him to move. In a flash, the robot disappeared, an orange trail from where he fell to his room.

“Not as impressive as he was made out to be.”

In a moment, the door was thrown open again, and Nox swung again, the crunch of metal breaking informing the scientist that he had hit his mark. Revenant crumpled to the ground, his face horribly disfigured and bent. He swore, and was respawned in the Medbay.

And there started a feud—one that span across hundreds of matches.

The system designed to set up teams seemed biased, always having Caustic and Revenant together, along with a random.

Caustic always won, eventually destroying the simulacrum.

A crunch under the boot, an experimental gas that melted the wires that let him move, a quick snap of the neck… Every time, a swear that he would get him next time and a ‘recover banner’ right next to his fallen squadmate’s face.

Until, for once, Revenant got the upper hand.

  In the Epicenter, Caustic rushed into the center building, bullets trailing him, hitting the building and door as he shut the flimsy defense and moved to a more secure part of the building. He was about to throw a trap when someone knocked him over, sending him to the floor with a kick. Nox, disoriented, flipped over to face his attacker, only to realize it was a squadmate. Revenant stood over him, pinning his limbs and laughing hysterically. “Finally! Fucking finally! Oh, I’m going to make this slow for you.”

Caustic, as opportunistic as ever, revealed a notepad and pen from his apron, an excited light in his pale green eyes. “Fantastic. I will take notes on your methods—”

Revenant snarled and knocked the materials out of his hands, excited hysteria souring into irritation. “Smug fucker. It’s going to be even worse—”

“Even better! I have a remarkable memory anyway,” Nox interrupted. Revenant remained silent, his fingers twitching with the desire to render his adversary blind. He stayed still, even as a grenade was thrown through the broken doors behind him.

Then, the simulacrum realized with a horror, he didn’t want to kill him. Sure, he spited the smug way in which he was about to take notes on his own mutilation, but…

A shot to the back quickly eliminated Revenant, while a well-placed thermite burnt the scientist to a crisp.

  [MATCH: FINISHED. You now have a two-day break from the Games to recover and plan for future battles. The Medbay will be closed after 9PM, so please leave as soon as you revive. Lights off is at 10PM. Have a nice evening.]

  Revenant thought he had forgotten his humanity. The residue of when he still thought he was a human. As he rushed out of the Medbay, he hurried into his room. His room was barren, not yet having been decorated—not like he had any real desire to decorate, as the other Legends do. With a disappointed huff, he laid down on the stiff bed. He didn’t need to recharge after a match, as Pathfinder does, but he also doesn’t need (or want) the plush bed that most of the human Legends like. So, whoever set up this room decided that a cheap twin bed was good enough for the murder robot.

Said murder robot covered his face with his hands, a very human gesture, as he tried to…think. Just hear himself think. Part of him was screaming that he was failing. Most of him was chiding him on how he missed an opportunity—and the lack of opportunism would ultimately ruin him.

Eventually, he fell asleep—something he was somehow still able to do.

  Caustic almost never slept on weekends, devoting the time under the moon to research that would take a while. Mixing chemicals, fixing his traps. Little things that took hours. He hated using up daylight for things that could be done at night. The little things would also often make a lot of noise, and since the rooms are all soundproof, no one would hear him as they slept.

His work stopped when, in the room adjacent to his, a static-filled scream startled him. The lab wasn’t soundproof, so he heard it clear as day. He set down what he was working on and walked to the source of the scream, opening the door to Revenant, covering his eyes with his hands.

Night terrors are common when you’ve died as many ways as the former hitman has, and the feeling of his eyes melting out of their sockets lingered longer than it should have. Caustic tilted his head slightly at the sight, confused.

“Leave me alone.” Static made his voice louder, an attempt to scare the scientist.

“Not after you’ve disrupted my work,” Nox scoffed. “Whatever you’re going through—”

Revenant lunged forward again, hand around Nox’s throat, one hand still covering most of his face. With a growl, he said, “I’m not ‘going through’ anything!”

“Clearly.” Nox sighed, and gently moved the simulacrum’s hand from his face, only to get a glimpse of the skeletal robot… crying? A saline solution had made teartracks of sorts down the skull-like face of the robot, orange light from his eyes glinting off of it.

The scientist froze, as comfort wasn’t his specialty. “I’m—”

“Leave!” Revenant snarled, loudly, before shoving the scientist out the door, shutting and locking the blackened bronze between them.

Nox didn’t move for a minute or so, trying to process what the fuck just happened, before returning to the lab. He sat down, thought for a minute, and muttered to himself, “Could there be any worse way to realize you have a crush on the murder robot?”

DUDE YOU JUST WROTE A WHOLE DANG FIC IN ONE NIGHT XJEJ! ITS GREAT!!! Thank you for submitting 💕💕💕

Under the cut is a formatted version of Pansy’s application, since Tumblr has decided to be mean (once again): 

OOC

Name: Karli

Age: 29

Pronouns: She/Her

Timezone: CST 

Writing Sample: Please provide a link to some writing. This does not have to be from a roleplay specifically, though it is preferred.

Ships: Pansy/Chemistry is ultimately the most important thing to me. I have this weird soft spot for Pansy/Goyle after some chemistry I had with a Goyle when I played Pansy in another rpg and I’ve shipped them ever since! But it’s not something I would need to have. Mostly, I’m excited to play her coming back to Britain and reconnecting with all the folks from her past! 

Anything else?: Pansy’s favorite color is red (despite the - ugh - Gryffindor colors!) and she often sports a crisp, pristine red lip that almost looks like blood. 

IC - Overview

Full name: Pansy Auria Parkinson (Delvaux) - Pansy managed to keep her surname under the pretenses of her career, having been known within her line as a Parkinson. She uses Parkinson for her professional and personal life - but will call herself a Delvaux if it helps her get ahead or in polite French company.

Age: 40 (31 December 1979) - Yes, she throws the most extravagant New Year’s Eve parties in celebration of her birthday. 

Gender: Cis-female (she/her)

Sexuality: Heterosexual. Pansy will be the first one to tell you that she likes cock. But only when that cock does whatever she wants. She’s not necessarily homophobic in the “normal” sense where she really cares who is fucking who - but she definitely makes homophobic jokes sometimes and, even if she loves you (looking at you, Draco!), you can’t escape her rolling her eyes a bit whenever the topic of sexuality comes up. She’s definitely going to hit you where it hurts if she’s angry. 

Blood status: Pureblood

Former Hogwarts House: Slytherin

Occupation: Designer for Twilfitt and Tatting's

The shoppe, Twilfiit and Tatting’s, has been owned by the Parkinsons for generations. The oldest son, Malcolm, Pansy’s father, had inherited the business from his father. Malcolm, however, had plans far greater than his father could have dreamed. While Twilfitt and Tatting’s location in Diagon Alley brought enough money in to sustain the family fortune, Malcolm wanted to expand.

Throughout Pansy’s childhood, he was in constant discussion with other businessmen to open new locations throughout various places in Europe. It took a lot of time away from his family, but tripled their income and made Twilfitt and Tatting’s the place to get high end robes, clothing, and accessories.

Pansy started scribbling designs for new outfits when she was young, but her father would not take them seriously until after graduation, when he finally allowed her visions to become a reality. The Auria line (named for Pansy’s middle name) became the fastest-selling line Twilfitt had ever seen.

But it wasn’t enough. While her father was never a Death Eater - much too busy being successful to follow a man with no fashion sense at all! - he did a lot of his business with people who were. As those wizards and witches were caught and sent to Azkaban for Voldemort-supporting acts after the war, Malcolm’s businesses began to fail.

The Parkinson’s were losing money fast at that time - something they’d mainly been able to keep from the public eye - and Pansy had to step up and find a rich man to marry in order to help the business stay afloat. Pansy’s mother, Cordelia, did not want to fall from grace like those Malfoy’s, after all.

Pansy did manage to do just that - find a man, save the company, and is now the leading designer within the multiple Twilfitt establishments. Her line is sleek and expensive, mainly geared towards fashionable and rich witches. (Link to some of the clothing will be posted below within the “extra” section). She’s very happy with her career… but it came at what costs?

Marital Status: Widowed.

Pansy met Armand Delvaux when she was just twenty-three years old on a trip to the shoppe in Paris, which had been doing rather well until the fall of Voldemort. On their last bit of finances, the ability to keep the fact that the Parkinsons were actually broke was becoming harder and harder to manage. Meeting Armand had been a gift from Merlin itself, it seemed. Rich he was, though not so handsome, he was forty-two years Pansy’s senior and had lost his original wife in an unfortunate potions accident when the woman was rather young.

Pansy had gotten to work quickly, making herself known as available (though not too available) and Armand had fallen for her even before her knees hit the ground. Honestly, those Gryffindors complaining about torture under the Carrows know nothing until they’ve stuck a wrinkly penis in their mouth to save the family. 

They were married within just four months of meeting one another, something his grown children (there are three of them, two daughters and a son - the middle one the same age as Pansy herself) were very vocal about not being in agreement with. While Pansy lived her life with her husband without loving him, she did love what he had to offer her. The funding for Twilfitt went back up - the Paris shoppe suddenly bloomed - and they were able to expand farther than even her father had expected.

The shoppe is now the leading brand for expensive, designer clothing with Pansy at its helm. When Armand died two years ago - rather young for wizards, but Armand had always been known to experiment with the tobacco he put in that pipe of his and his poor heart suffered - she inherited 85% of his money (despite more protests from her stepchildren, really they’ve been such a pain!). With that money, she purchased a rather loftily flat in England with a direct connection via floo to her estate in Paris. The last two years, she’s split her time between the two, but the excitement of France has recently died down and she’s been spending much more time with old friends in England.

Faceclaim: Katie McGrath (1st choice), Eva Green (2nd choice), Lucy Hale (younger) - I would prefer the Katie/Lucy match, as I feel like they have more similarities and also Katie’s supergirl resources and a few others are TOTALLY Pansy-esque 

Summary: A lot of Pansy’s life shortly after the war had been defined by that one moment in the Great Hall - and, really, how unfair was that! She’d only wanted to have her school stay undestroyed and her friends kept safe, after all. The Parkinsons had never chosen a side in the war, safe from any harm regardless of what happened given their pureblooded status. Pansy herself hardly thought about the war at all - and yet, she was being punished publicly for it. While there was no trial or prison for her - the backlash her old classmates gave her for trying to give Potter up to the Dark Lord was enough to make her bristle. That, combined with the Parkinson fortune dwindling, made Pansy run away to Paris to find a rich husband and start a new life. She settled with a man forty-two years older named Armand Delvaux and the failing business her family owned - Twilfitt and Tatting’s - began to thrive again with his money. Pansy herself found passion in fashion designing and her Auria brand is known as one of the leading brands in high-fashion clothing sales. While she spent most of her life after school travelling between Paris and London, she has decided to plant herself anew in the country of old friends and enemies again, now that her dear old husband has died. Many still think of her as that bitch from school and they aren’t wrong… but, cut her some slack, she’s grown up… a little bit. 

IC - In Depth

Discussion

I included a lot of this discussion above in places I felt they made most sense, but below is a discussion of various things I have yet to add:

-Pansy is not ashamed of what she did during the war because, quite honestly, she hardly did a thing. She was no Death Eater - there was no Azkaban for her. As far as anyone knows, Pansy is the same person as she always was… but maybe just a bit nicer. Of course, that’s a laugh! She’s playing nice because it’s what this new wobbly feelings world wants her to be. She’s still not going to hold hands with Weasley or tell Granger she’s pretty or something insane like that! She’s got standards. She just might not spike your drink with laxative potion for a laugh anymore… well, not much potion anyway. Potter can miss one day of work for her entertainment. 

-Pansy is ambitious. She’s a Slytherin for a reason, after all. She’s a designer (not a shoppe keeper, to anyone who may ask, thank you very much!) and values her work. She spends hours working on new pieces for her Auria line and won’t stop until it’s perfected. Some people think fashion is silly - but Pansy knows the truth. It’s an art form. Some wizards have just yet to discover it.

-Pansy is not nice. While she can play at it with a smile when she has to, she’s not above backhanded compliments and manipulation. She’s such a gossip and shouldn’t be trusted with any secret. Who’s dating who (or who’s fucking who, more like it) will be spread like Fiendfyre… whoops, don’t mention that word in front of poor Draco and Gregory… they get a bit sensitive. Pansy “forgot.” 

-Perhaps the most curious thing about Pansy is that she both cares and doesn’t care about what other people think about her. It’s why she’s so mean - it’s easier to be the one on top putting everyone else down than have it possibly happen to her. When someone brings up her betrayal of Potter before the final battle, Pansy pretends to easily shrug it off with a perfectly presented insult and a roll of the eyes. But, the truth is, there’s a reason she uses make up potions and wears nice clothes and keeps all the flyaways out of her hair… the better she looks, the less fodder everyone else has for the fire. 

-While there was no actual punishment for Pansy after the war, given she never fought for any side, the way those old classmates of hers viewed her after the stunt in the Great Hall was punishment enough. They looked down on her, something that brought up a whole lot of insecurity for her in a way she hated. It was enough to push her to France, agreeing to look after the shoppe there, and allowed her to settle into security with a husband she didn’t love.

-In fact, she did not love Armand at all - even for a second. While Armand was kind to her in some respects, he also very much underestimated her. Kept her out of the discussions when Twilfitt went into business with the Delvaux Company. She could play at her “little designs”, but could not truly take over the business, despite the fact that her line made the business the most money out of anything else they sold. In Armand’s mind, business was no place for a woman, something Pansy was unabashedly in disagreement with.

-Pureblood families - particularly families from higher society - have always stressed reproduction. While marriages are ideally full of love and children, creating an heir has always been the higher standard within the society that Pansy grew up in. She was supposed to get pregnant - supposed to have children and carry on the bloodline, despite any children she may have had not taking on the name Parkinson. That didn’t happen. In the end, it was discovered after trips to several different healers that Pansy could not, in fact, have biological children. Armand was alright with it, as he had three other children to carry on his name, including a son. Pansy could’ve considered adoption - she could’ve considered surrogacy. Instead, she decided that her life would be devoted to her career. She never truly liked children, anyway - just thought becoming a mother was what was expected of a young woman like her. In the end, she has found she feels very fulfilled. She’s usually very happy with her choice, but that doesn’t stop from the occasional pang of resentment and sadness whenever she sees old friends and acquaintances with their growing families. 

-Despite what many believe, Pansy does love her friends. Draco is an actual treasure! Even if she is mortified by the way she threw herself at a gay man once upon a time. She very much values his friendship and has spent many visits to England with him. Daphne, too, is practically her soulmate. Pansy adores the woman who has been friends with her since Hogwarts. While Daphne’s status from Spindrift Lane meant she was more easily manipulated, Pansy loves that in a friend. She’s always been Queen Bee, after all.

-But just because she loves you doesn’t mean you’re safe. She’s mean whenever she wants to be - nice whenever it serves her. She might order her friends around sometimes and give backhanded compliments (Oh, your skin finally doesn’t look washed out today in that outfit!), but if anyone else tried to do that to someone she cared for, they’d be in for a rude awakening. Just because she can be a bitch doesn’t mean just anyone can talk to her friends like that! Even her own attitude has died down in recent years, as she grew older and things didn’t matter nearly as much. But she’ll still pull out the claws whenever she has to.

-Pansy is mostly in disagreement with Hermione’s Cerberus program. While she agrees that magical people shouldn’t be just going off with Muggles and therefore the Statute of Secrecy is important, she definitely doesn’t like the idea of people trying to watch her all the time. In her eyes, it’s a very prejudiced program. Who are considered the “suspicious ones?” The Slytherins from the war. Even though Pansy herself did not fight in the battle or even pick a side, she knows how people view her. Just because she was a Slytherin doesn’t mean that she’s off experimenting with Dark Magic and absolutely despises how this program will make her and others like her look.

- Pansy isn’t surprised more shit has arrived on that doorstep, but just like in the last war - she has no interest in playing a part (yet).

Plots

-Pansy is back in England now, almost permanently. While she does still visit France periodically, this is the first time she’s been in her home country more often than the other since she was twenty three. Yes, she’s stayed in close contact with her friends… but how will everyone else handle the Ice Bitch being back? She may have grown a bit throughout her time, but would they know it?

-Party on NYE? Pansy’ll throw it, so long as you bring her a gift!

-We have a plethora of Gryffindors and Weasleys and other do-gooders from the war (I play one of them, after all!) on the dash and I wanted to bring in someone who is opposite of Harry and who will give me The fog hardly interests her. Where there’s Hogwarts, there’s trouble. Where there are Weasleys and Potters and all the Gryffindors, there’s trouble.various plots. I’m not against the tension and definitely don’t expect people to just be happy with Pansy, who is rather mean about 70% of the time. I’m all for those interpersonal tension-filled plots.

-While I say Pansy doesn’t want to be part of the war, what I mean is that she’s not ready for it. If this fog business becomes worse - what happens then? She’s an adult now and likely can’t just hide behind not choosing a side. I would love it if she gets sucked into helping, rather than hurting, and is forced to work alongside all these people who probably hate her. If the Order is reestablished, perhaps she can join and be an actual asset. She’s got money - but she also has intel. Just because her husband thought business was no place for a woman didn’t mean Pansy abided by it. She knows more about the people her dad used to do business with than anyone thinks she does. She can be useful to the Order. She doesn’t want Lord Voldemort to come back, after all. He really fucked things up last time! 

Extras

The link to Pansy’ pinterest is located below. It includes pictures of the faceclaims and her designs for Twilfitt. 

https://www.pinterest.ca/karliandtaylor/pansy-parkinson/

The Chronicles of the Dark One:  The Dark Curse

Chapter 35:  A Few Favorite Things

He supposed it would do no harm to admit it, but it was a carefully guarded secret all the same. He loved being summoned by royals. Perhaps this stemmed from those older times when he felt like no one was more responsible for his situation like those who were above him, oppressing him and forcing him to live in a way that was beneath humanity as well as him. He liked knowing that they were suddenly the ones in debt to him, bowing and begging and pleading with him to answer their heart's greatest desire. He had the power and he reveled in it, even when they didn't know exactly what they were face to face with.

"You're the Dark One?" King George questioned, keeping his distance by the fire.

He smiled. "One would assume…" he commented motioning to indicate his body as proof. He did love being summoned by royals but this one in particular brought him glee in a way he didn't know it could. King George, the man he'd seen at the party when he'd first met Cora, the time had finally come for him to call on him and he had a feeling that he knew exactly what he was going to ask for. And he would be quite happy to provide it. The False Prince was, after all, a key figure in his plans. This meant that it was imperative that he keep the King just as happy as he was. "Your Majesty," he flung out his arms wide and bowed low to the ground. "Rumpelstiltskin, at your service!"

"That's fine," he dismissed. "I didn't summon you here for pleasantries. I asked you here for a reason."

"Most do." He stood up tall again but continued to glare at King as he moved so formally about the room. Back straight, hands clasped behind him. A perfectly well put together gentlemen, everything a king should be! If it weren't for the fact that he turned his back on him so often. He had confidence in himself; he'd give him that. But his walking meant fear and unease, and turning around meant he dealt with it as a child who thought that if they simply kept their eyes closed, the monsters they feared lived under their beds would think they were asleep and leave them in peace. At his heart, he was an ignorant man.

"I'm not about to waste time. I'm going to get right down to the matter at hand."

"Ah, a trait I wish so many of my clients shared!"

"I need a baby," he stated simply, ignoring his final comments and turning to face him so that his foot stomped in place with the finality of his request.

"A baby!" he laughed giddily. He loved it when a prophecy came together the way it should. But still, it would be fun to twist knives into the heart of this royal and to see just how honest he would be. "Most King's would simply use their Queen's to fulfill such a request. Did your father never take you aside and tell you about that?" he teased as he threw an arm up and began to recite: "The Birds and the Bees? The Eel and the Cave? The Man and the Woman?"

"Are you quite finished?" he interrupted. Oh, now he was a lucky one. He needed him, and so he was one of the few who would not snap his neck for such a comment, but that didn't mean it made him want to help out of anything more than an urge to get back to Baelfire. "Such crudeness. Of course, I know how babies are made; that's why you are here. The Queen and I, we can't have children…Annie she…"

"Doesn't want a child?!" he toyed. If he hadn't interrupted, he might have admitted to him that he knew exactly why his dear Annie would never have a baby. Now he was just content to play with the man. "Well, now I'm doubting your skills at sealing the deal. That seems like something that a King should address before the wedding."

"Of course she wants a baby, you vile creature!" he shouted. "She wants a child more than anything but…"

"Oh! Let me guess!" he begged enthusiastically circling the man. Finally, he came up on his shoulder just so he could whisper in his ear, "Curse."

King George stiffened as he hadn't been before. It was visible and surprising. That straight posture was how he looked relaxed? What an uncomfortable life.

"By her sister," George admitted. "A foul woman who was jealous that I chose Annie and not her. She didn't tell me until after the wedding."

"Ruthless sister," he commented, flopping down into the chair by the fire and putting his feet up on the ottoman.

"Clearly. At first I…I didn't believe it, I would never have assumed her sister capable, but after all these years, I've come to see that it must be true."

"Now that's a sister who would make a good partner." He summoned an apple from nearby and took a bite with a hearty and unnerving crunch. For as formal as he was he could see the King longed to scream at him as he had before. But he was winding down to his ultimate deal, now he was on his best behavior as he prepared to ask for what he wanted.

"The curse…it was something that was drunk, are you familiar with it."

"Well, of course," he muttered, hoping the poor lad felt stupid for asking. "'Twas a former Dark One who invented the Curse of Infertility." Nimue as a matter of fact. She been a very…sexual being, in her time. But she'd had the good sense to be sure she wouldn't reproduce. A blessing on the world, as far as he was concerned. The spell was so simple any witch of even the mildest magic could do it. And once it was added to a drink just one sip would do the job. And a very good job it did. Odd…since Nimue, no Dark One had ever had a child…perhaps that was something that could be passed down through the curse. He hadn't even thought of that before he and Cora made their deal. Maybe it was lucky she hadn't taken it.

"So, you must know if it has a cure!"

He smiled as he tossed the rest of the apple into the fire. "None that is readily known." There were a few suspicions on how it could be cured, but there were no easy answers. Most of those involved gruesome sacrifices no person who ever wanted a child would be able to accomplish or healing waters that almost always had guardians. Better infertile than dead.

"That's absurd!" George sneered. "The Dark One who invented it didn't make note of how to reverse the spell?"

"Afraid not."

"Ridiculous! What kind of being does such a thing?"

He rose to his feet again, feeling, for the first time in nearly one hundred years, the voice on Nimue laughing in his skull. "Well, it was meant to be permanent," he explained with obvious gentility as if he was explaining something as simple as why the sun came up in the morning to a toddler. "Knowing how to reverse the spell kind of defeats the purpose of placing it…"

A rogue muscle twitched in his jaw. "Annie always said it never mattered, but…it matters."

"But of course!" he declared. To a woman it may matter differently than a man and to a pair of royals it would matter differently than it would for peasants. Everything mattered. The trick was knowing why. "Without a Prince of your own who shall ever inherit the Kingdom? Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but you have a cousin! Weak, little man; short, pale, balding…"

There went that muscle again; twitch, twitch, twitching away at the suggestion. Yes, suddenly, he understood the significance of that rope he'd seen that was tied from Queen Eva's womb to his head. That was all this was bound to be for him, a matter of the mind, not the heart. As a father, it pained him to know such a child would grow up with a man such as this, but as the Dark One, it comforted him to know the child would be fed, clothed, and well cared for and loved by all others. False Prince or not, he'd be a Prince, and that came with benefits.

"Tell you what…" he muttered as he began circling. "I've got a solution to your little problem…"

"A cure? We'll try anything!"

"Oh, no, no, no, certainly not! But you know, there is more than one way to have a baby, dearie." He stopped spinning and finally came to rest right in front of George, prepared to do business the proper way. Only the poor King looked nothing but confused. "Oh, well, perhaps I should say there is more than one way to 'acquire' a baby."

He brows suddenly furrowed together. "You mean steal one?"

"Steal?! No, no, no, of course not! I'm no Black Fairy! I'm not a monster! I am simply a man of deals and trades; one thing, for another."

"So…you would make a deal, convince a family to turn over their own baby…I'm not looking for a child, Rumpelstiltskin, I need a newborn, someone to raise and bring up without any knowledge of his true origins."

He gave a small bow of acknowledgment. "And so you shall have it. I do agree with you. Children with memories would make for a very risky deal in this case."

"But who would do such a thing, who would hand over their own flesh and blood for mere trinkets?"

Ah…the minds of the royal. They had all the intelligence in the world, but none of the understanding of the world. "Anyone will do anything when you're desperate enough," he admitted. "Leave the details to me. You'll have the child you seek…"

And the one that he needed him to have.

"About the payment…"

"So glad you mentioned it!" he cried suddenly excited once more. "For if you are summoning me, you must know, all magic does come with a price! And it's always such an ignoble thing to have to bring it up myself."

"I understand the cost. I also think that I have an idea of what will suffice. But it will be a fair amount of time until it can be prepared."

He narrowed his eyes. No payment? "Well, it would be a fair amount of time before I could procure a child, then," he challenged.

The King didn't bat an eye. "So we're in agreement then?"

He was almost speechless. They hadn't actually come to an agreement. He never agreed to anything without knowing what exactly he'd be getting in return, but…he could see the King wanted to keep it secret, perhaps on the off chance he couldn't get what he needed. And this wasn't like an ordinary deal. This was a deal for Bae. He knew whatever it was would work in the end and get him one step closer to seeing his son. Whatever he offered would be fine, but he couldn't let him know that. Allow one royal some leeway, and suddenly they'd all want it.

"So much mystery…" he commented, tapping his fingers together as he stared. "I don't ordinarily agree to a deal without knowing the reward-"

"I'll make it worth your while," George pressed. As he thought…the King didn't want to tell him. Well then, in that case, he'd take the price out in trade, after all it wasn't just an ordinary baby that he needed to procure but the right baby. He had a feeling he knew where to look but also had a feeling that now wasn't the time. If time was the key, then so be it.

"You've intrigued me, Sir. You have…" as he stepped forward he moved his fingers at the side of his head, a useless motion to him but magical enough that it allowed him to focus, to pick out the Seer's voice, to think about the child, and to find the number associated with it. Three.

"Three years!" he declared.

The King's eyes went wide, and while he was able to contain his shock enough that he didn't drop his jaw like a dog, his mouth did open a bit.

"Three years! That's absurd! That's-"

"Ah, ah, ah!" he replied, waving a finger in front of him. "I could always make it four." A gamble. His heart raced as he offered it, knowing that four years wasn't right. It was a sign of his nerves that he began to think of ways, loopholes to get around that all the while hoping the King would be silent on the matter. He was. "We all have our burdens, your wife's is infertility, mine is my own, and yours is time. We'll call it interest on whatever it is you owe me."

The King narrowed his gaze and straightened once more. The muscle in his jaw twitched. He was a very unhappy king, indeed. But if he could wait over a hundred years to see Baelfire, then he could wait three years for an heir.

"You better be as good as they say you are, Dark One."

He smiled. "Better, Dearie, much better. You have three years until I return with your child. Be sure to have everything ready or else…well…you are not the only couple desperate to have a child."

"What'll I tell my wife? The Kingdom?"

He let out a giddy laugh. He loved details that weren't his concern. "What you will…I'm sure you'll come up with something!"

"You won't help me?"

"I'm already helping you! Helping you lie to your wife isn't part of our bargain!" At that, he swept into a long, extended bow. "Three years, Your Majesty!"

Then he disappeared in a puff of smoke.

this is highkey like a month late (i mean wbk im a chronic scatterbrain procrastinator) and she’s thicccc but without further ado. my skam s4 thoughts.

I first just want to say a couple things: im not a muslim woc so my thoughts on s4 don’t hold as much value as those of a muslim, woc, or a muslim woc. I also don’t know to what degree sana’s representation was true to real life. I made an effort to look for posts from muslim woc on sana’s season but to no real avail, especially given it’s been two years since skam ended and a lot of blogs have deactivated, changed urls, or posts have become buried :( [if you know of any good posts regarding sana’s season please lmk!]. from what I can recall in 2017, there were mixed opinions on s4 with most being upset (or at least disappointed) with the ultimate execution of sana’s storyline and I agree w that. while s4 means so much to me and has a really special place in my heart, I do 100% acknowledge its flaws. ok!!!!!! lets get into it😤

ep1 -as much as I wished isak stayed in kollektivet I’m glad he and even had a rlly sweet happy time this entire season. also evak making their friends move all their furniture while they whisper romantic shit to each other and makeout? peak comedy -you fuckin wish!!! -sana is the one to say “of course you should tell noora about william”.. she Knew and still takes the fall for it :( -this opening clip is such a jarring shift into sana’s pov!! e.g. while easy to overlook in previous seasons, sana’s exclusion from the girls is glaringly obvious once we’re looking through her eyes -adding onto that! sana is the friend who notices everyone else- she’s so observant, which hurts even more when you notice her friends don’t do the same (except mayhaps chris- in my heart of hearts I know chris is also the friend who notices and goes unnoticed, but unfortunately we don’t get enough of her and sana’s relationship this season to fully see that) -yousef and the balloon squad’s entrance.... ICONIC! also I cant believe for 2 seasons they presented those dickbag nissen 97s as the be all end all of hot amazing boys when the bakka third years were RIGHT THERE like,, the penetrators vs. balloon squad + even? no contest ma’am -also! it’s so interesting that we literally had no idea sana had a brother, or that yousef etc existed until now? it’s as if she has a whole private world at home, separate from her friends and nissen (and I think a theme of this season is those two worlds merging) -im obsessed w the yousana train scene but yousef being the only one who notices sana standing off to the side? ;-; -fy faen is such a stunning clip oh my god. when sana leaves to pray? possibly my favourite skam scene ever. it’s exquisite.  -sana is so cute and awkward squeezing thru the crowd shsdhgfhshdf I LOVE her love her -the last shot on yousef and noora... oh my GOD oh my god bc like. being that friend who never ever tells your real feelings or your crushes or is vulnerable with your friends?? and then having to listen to them talk about how good your crush would be with someone else (especially one of ur friends) while ur sitting there silently dying inside? and you don’t say anything since you can’t be vulnerable with your friends and u don’t think u stand a chance anyways so. (in the words of s3 noora. I think sana struck a nerve with the emotional unavailability! abbey r u ok) -this episode is a masterpiece and did such a phenomenal job of both introducing us to sana’s perspective while also touching on a multitude of her struggles AND establishing the themes of the season. plus the cinematography, editing, soundtrack and aesthetic...... o baby. (case in point I deadass just rewatched it after writing this)

ep2 -every shot of sana praying is beautiful (and beautifully edited!!) -sana’s room is usually messy... not smart enough to fully analyze this but I’m sure it means something  -an interesting contrast of what’s expected of her vs. of elias- I can’t speak for muslim families, but I know even in non-muslim families girls are always held to suchhh a higher standard (source: I have 2 brothers rip) -”if you find immaturity charming” hilarious bc sana actually does in fact find immaturity charming  -what’s interesting is how noora comes across in sana’s POV- kinda obnoxious, kinda ignorant, seemingly perfect (compared to how noora is portrayed in eva’s season, for example) -even is one of those ppl who uses the bill gates argument on why dropping out of school makes u richer sdfhfsjskfjfsd -sana staring down the pepsi max squad. fuck em up. -vilde adding magnus to the groupchat jfkjsjfdjfsfsdkj -isak missing eskild :’) sidenote I fucking live for isak and sana’s chats this season. they’re literally my lifeblood like.... 

ep3 -the kiss me scene god I go FERAL -“you need to pull it towards you, not push it away. okay?” yall mind if i SCREAM!! YOUSEF!!!!!!!!!! -there rlly is something about seeing sana, who in everyone else’s POV comes off as cold and harsh and stoic, just absolutely meltinggg when she talks w yousef like she doesn’t stop smiling she’s so sweet!!!! ah🥰 and yousef is 100% that guy who ppl tell “your gf is so intimidating and ruthless bro” and he’s like are y’all talking about sana??????? my baby?? my fuckin cinnamon apple????? -yousef’s lil smile watching sana peel carrots. 911 it’s me again -vilde and sana’s relationship has a really interesting dynamic bc like.. vilde says ignorant shit to sana while also genuinely looking up to her. and sana is probably the harshest to vilde within the group but it’s because she actually values their friendship a lot  -IM HURT BECAUSE YOU NEVER REPLIED TO MY MEME -sana pulling 2yr old receipts off the top of her head to defend vilde. god I stan -sana doin research taking notes..... shameful she isn’t canonically a virgo (honestly her and isak both but like-) -she’s so soft and smiley w her mamma awh... “of course he likes you, who doesn’t like you?” her mamma only knows the real, gentle, beautiful loving sana oh im CRY -even is so kind and loving and thoughtful yall mind if i....... -”you can’t escape the internet girl” foreshadowing mayhaps?

ep4 -david and ulrikke together are fucking hilarious -noora’s “you’re lucky you don’t have to think about this stuff, heartbreak and that” :/ it’s not just vilde who says ignorant things to sana! -that being said sana and noora are cute asf in the exper5 scene.. dorky noora rise (omg josefine and her yogurt in the bloopers too sjhfkjdf) -I HANDLE BALLS BETTER THAN YOU -the yousana scene is sooo gorgeous whew...... -I always cry a lil bit (ok a lot) when yousef brings up even. and sana knew too. even sweetie ily :( -sana talking about her religion is beautiful. it’s so lovely to learn about how she thinks and sees the world. -yousef’s smile watching sana leave like ur kidding right....... -“flawless since 99″ is so cringey. it’s so cringeyyy -sana uses “smh” I knew we were soulmates

ep5 -eavesdropping on ur parent/brother’s argument is peak sibling culture -when ur always paranoid but ur always right..... -sana’s green jumpsuit sign me up babey -I really really really love elias and sana’s conversation -u dont even realize how tiny sana is until she’s standing next to isak and even -not finding out why yousef avoided the fight and why he kissed noora will haunt me forever (could we not have expanded more on that instead of noorhelm.......) -the parallel of sana washing isak’s blood off her hands vs. her washing her hands during maghrib in episode 1. gotta sit down. -vilde gossiping to the pepsimax girls stings SO bad it’s just such a betrayal?:( -“the other girls seem cool, especially noora! she’s so pretty!” ok much to unpack here but: sana again comparing herself to noora (who she sees as /perfect/)... sana being written off despite putting so much effort and passion into the russ bus while noora, who has done literally nothing and at best is indifferent to russ, is the one they like the most. disgusteng -love will tear us apart.. bitch..... -sana abt to cry god I can’t -if sana is anything like me (I mean I think she is but jkjjkhsdfhfsd). looking stupid is the absolute worst so like, her sending out emails abt being bus boss when she was actually being lied to? being played? and her being “paranoid” about sara being shady, but deciding hey maybe im just being crazy? except she wasn’t she was right and she Knew!! and she’s probably thinking how dumb it was for her to get her hopes up, everything always ends badly anyways and no one actually likes her :((((((( -dont rlly know what my feelings are on the fight. im not against it bc isak does have a temper but his apparent motive always seemed weak to me?? and god I feel so bad for even

ep6 -forgot about sana getting bullied in middle school yall mind if I sob?? -sana lying and getting defensive bc it’s hard to be vulnerable, or because she hates looking stupid? or both?:( -isak looking up dandelions in his textbook just bc even put one behind his ear. I HATE this man -sana’s dad asking if she had a bad day aw :( -all the boys (and sana) wearing black but yousef wearing white.... what does it mean.............. -the carrots are back goddammit -radio station playing during this scene: “if I have to choose between the just non-muslim and the unjust muslim, without any doubt I would choose the non-muslim who is just” -ISAK’S NOSE SFFJDFJFSDKJSDF -sana’s text about chris I’m going to bawl my eyes out.           “yeah! looking forward (to going to nissen) but a bit worried. don’t know               anyone else starting there.”           (J: new friends?) “yes, at least one of them. I have german with her (chris)           and she’s very cool!” -the contrast of how blunt sana came off when we’re first introduced to her vs. how she was really just excited to make a new friend bc she was scared no one would like her :( especially knowing her past with bullying and how nervous she was to start at nissen? chris baby I LOVE YOU thank u ;-; -also sana keeping 2yr old conversations on her phone... same -sana is honestly too smart and scheming and overthinking for her own good. she has these elaborate plans that more-or-less always get ruined by her being more kind than she gives herself credit for (e.g. wanting to protect vilde in s1, clearing isak’s name in s4) -everyone in skam texts back so fast smh -chris calling sana “sonic”...... a moment please -I cannot watch the sana/evak apartment scene without thinking of the bloopers and losing it lmfaoooo.. “this is where we live. just come in” -ik it’s based off fanart but there is little I hate more than their matching outfits  -“remember you’re both geniuses!” 🥺even  -once again isak studying is uhhhh me - “you’re a good person” yall i love isak i really do. he puts his foot in his mouth pretty often and doesn’t have a great brain-to-mouth filter and he can be awkward and rambly and blunt and unsure of what to say in emotional situations but also? he’s so genuine. it’s just his honest thoughts and he says it bc he cares about sana and knows she needs to hear it!! -ᶠᵃᵉⁿ ᵉᵛᵉⁿ -sana’s inner turmoil.. thank u iman for inventing acting (ik I haven’t mentioned it much yet but god iman is SUCH a phenomenal actor I owe her my life) -LETS GO BITCHES

ep7 -sana crying silently in her room breaks my fucking heart (IMAN!!!!)  -idk how I feel about the instagram plot but sana watching as her plan falls into place and then storming up to sara... pretty bada$$ -“it’s creepy it was published but it’s more creepy we have a bus boss who talks shit about everyone” THANK YOU vilde -i love s4 isak thanks -sana and jamilla’s chat aw :~) -how awkward do yall think the walk to the bench was lmfao -what sana tells isak is SO powerful and I love it a lot -isak does actually make a good point- the other girls are like that too.  -unfortunately I have been in situations isak describes, where you want to learn more about your friend’s culture or religion because you care about them and you’re genuinely interested, but you don’t know what questions are okay to ask and you don’t want to sound rude or ignorant, so you ultimately end up asking no questions at all. but I hate that the responsibility is put on sana to constantly educate people bc I cannot imagine how exhausting that must be [[[ok so. I know there are VERY mixed opinions on the bench scene but here’s my dumbass two cents. 1- I genuinely think isak was trying to make sana feel better by attempting to relate to her and pass on advice that really helped him. however, I don’t think isak realized what sana eventually told him- that her experience wearing the hijab is a lot different than isak’s experience as a gay man. do I agree with everything isak said? nooo. do I understand why he said it? yeah. 2- it was not isak’s place to tell sana norwegians aren’t racist, or not to look for racism in questions. I think there’s some truth to ppl often just being ignorant, and he does add that there are probably a lot of racist people in Norway, but yeah. not great. 3- in conclusion I think while isak shared some meaningful advice w sana, he put his foot in his mouth too and said some stupid shit. im not trying to defend that. I will add, though: a. we actually do see some growth on isak’s part. when he and even are yelled at on the street, that’s the moment it clicks for him that oh shit, this is what sana was talking about. this is what she has to experience? and that’s why he texts noora, “in the speech for sana, you have to include how insanely strong she is. I don’t think many people understand how much bullshit she has to take” and b. isak’s (bad) advice of “not looking for the racism in things” is ultimately contrasted by yousef (a moc who lived most of his life as a muslim) suggesting instead to show people what islam really is. and that’s so much more meaningful. I think the root of a lot of the issues isak brought up- i.e. ignorance- is a general lack of education, representation, or effort by non-muslim people to seek out information themselves. so sana leading by example and showing what it means to her to be muslim is so much more powerful.]]] -𝒃𝒂𝒎!  -BEST BUDS 🥺

ep8 -haper du har plass weaving in and out of this episode until the chorus finally breaks when the los losers van shows up...... miss julie 😭 -oh my god the pictures. im a fucking MESS bc they’re not only significant to the scene and to sana but also like,, as part of our goodbye to the girls?? -the balloon squad and even :( while the timeline of them reconciling within just this week is kinda wack, seeing even back with his friends looking so happy makes my heart uwu so i’ll allow it just this once -eva’s message to vilde about her and magnus being able to trust each other w/o reading their texts... growth or irony -chris is such a phenomenal friend (and this is why I wanted more of her in s4!!) -sana’s phonecall to the girls breaks my fucking heart bc like. right off the bat she’s finally being vulnerable with them?? telling them about her fears and insecurities and struggles? typing this im gonna start crying lol but god I love her so much. she’s so brave and she put all that on the line bc all she really cares about are her friends, she loves them SO much even if (she thinks) they don’t love her back -lowkey sobbed so hard during the haper du har plass clip I almost threw up and it gave me a headache :)  -anyways this is one of my favourite skam clips and god just. the moment you hear the girls calling for sana??? I LOSE it. when sana just starts BEAMING omg🤧 the girls love sana and support her and if you fuck with sana you fuck with us!!!!!! god. cannot articulate how dear to my heart this scene is. -haper du har plass feels like the end of the episode and the party clip is kinda just tacked on but I love how happy everyone is!! they’re all drinking champagne (who taught isak how to hold things) and dancing and smilingggg 💛 -yousana rise!!!!!!!!  -ok don’t get me wrong I hate william for crashing the party but their entrance slow-mo kinda slaps.... also sana popping up in between noorhelm SENDS me

ep9 -this is the point in the season where the amount of time dedicated to noorhelm is beyond beyond beyond significantly damaging to the story. this is sana’s last episode!! instead of having them makeout in front of william’s car for 20 minutes mayhaps we could’ve had a conversation between the girls and sana, or with her brother (if they had continued the elias alcoholism plotline rip), or maybe even with jamilla or her mamma? like I don’t care at ALL about noora or william. give me anything else. ple a s e -what makes skam scenes so brilliant is their quiet moments!! julie let the scene breathe. not everything needs a tacky song playing over top. -I’ve said this abt like twenty clips now but MAGHRIB. oh my GOD. an absolute masterpiece and definitely tied for my all time favourite skam clip. can’t rlly put into words how stunning it is. & I love sana and yousef’s conversation so much. -“of course I brought food! my name is yousef!” mr. acar you’re the only man I trust

ep10 -as much as my heart yearns for 10 sana episodes I think splitting up the last episode of skam into individual POV clips for different characters was brilliant and such a poignant way to say goodbye :( -okay don’t think about what sana could’ve written in her texts to everyone or ur heart will go sicko mode -I won’t write anything abt this ep since I’ve already written too much but like.. (elias should’ve gotten a clip instead of william. pchris can stay because his clip was funny but he’s on thin fuckin ice) -kjaere sana was such a beautiful way to say goodbye to skam. so yeah. bye skam. i miss you. 

overall ➔I’m not really sure why (possibly a lethal combination of my undying love for sana bakkoush, how much I relate to her, this but my ass was crying EVERY single episode of season 4...... F ➔I’m obsessed with s4′s aesthetic. imo the best editing, soundtrack and cinematography of any season!!!! julie is so talented at making each season feel distinct- to me, sana’s season is cool, vibrant colours (aka the late-night sunset aesthetic- gabie i hear u laughing shut up), crisp electronic/pop music and rap, ethereal city nights..... also sana has the best style of any skam character it had to be said ➔sana’s growth! seeing her open up and be honest and vulnerable with the girls during that phone call. sana sending all of her friends literally the sweetest messages of how much they mean to her and how much she values their relationship. sana being the (MUCH) bigger person and making amends with sara, ingrid etc. I love her so much :’((( ➔I’ve thought a lot about what I would change in season 4 and honestly? im a mf scatterbrain and have no real, structured ideas. my biggest issue is too much noora. dream s4 would be william staying in london and noora being happy on her own (but not rly on her own bc she has the girls and kollektivet!). as :/ as I am about the noora/yousef plotline, I’m not really sure what I’d do to replace the yousana conflict in ep5. maybe involving elias, or the balloon squad and even? related to that- in lieu of all the noora/noorhelm screentime, I would so much rather have a follow-up plot to elias’s drinking problem bc it was kinda just dropped? at the very least, the william clip should’ve been elias’s. I also would've killed for more one-on-one scenes with chris (even vilde or eva!), jamilla, even, members of the balloon squad... there are so many interesting stories that could’ve been explored instead of going down the noorhelm rabbithole again. furthermore, I feel like the social media plot was a bit... weak? again I’ve tried thinking of what I would’ve done instead (while also keeping the haper du har plass clip, y’all can pry that one from my cold dead hands) to little avail. what especially threw me about this plotline is that sana did this in s2 to jamilla, fucked up, and it bit her in the ass. I know that she gets irrational when angry but from a storytelling perspective, it seems repetitive. just.. I feel like there could’ve been a more powerful plot in which sana follows the same character arc. another thing I would’ve loved to see is beyond the los losers van, an apology from the girls to sana. or even just a conversation where they tell her “hey sana, we’re sorry for not paying attention and we’re sorry for being thoughtless/ignorant.” an apology from vilde about things she’s said in the past would’ve been <3. even a gesture! the girls order pizza again but this time it’s halal, or they make an effort to learn about sana’s religion and culture. I know it’s implied through the letter they write for sana, but a final standalone scene would’ve been so nice.  ➔i’ve noticed soo many remakes do this thing where they like.. water down shitty behaviour of their characters. which like- sure. I would love for everyone to be kind and thoughtful and not as horrible as they could be but also... I think that’s the point of skam? to show that people fuck up, but that doesn’t define them as a person. no one is perfect and no one can be thoughtful and considerate and kind all the time. and often these ‘problematic’ actions are integral to the story- e.g. elias saying stupid comments to isak (related to isak’s internalized homophobia and fear of coming out to his friends), the girl squad being ignorant about what sana can eat, etc. so..... your remake is not better because it erased every horrible action every character has done. (nuance.. where r u.........) ➔despite its flaws, I will say- the good moments of season 4? ineffable. I think we sometimes forget that julie literally wrote, directed, and I believe (?) assisted w editing and soundtrack too. i cant imagine doing all that under so much pressure, trying to bring so many storylines to a conclusion whilst simultaneously creating a goodbye-season to a show she put her life into the past two years. I’m so fucking appreciative of her. and you know what? all in all julie wrote some pretty damn beautiful episodes and scenes, and you can tell she loves this show just as much as we do. ➔and honestly this is maybe one reason I’m more wary of watching remake s4′s, bc like.. this season meant SO much bc it was the last season of skam. we knew it was the last season. the final episode is more or less a love letter, a goodbye to the show. whereas w some remakes (do i have to say whomst) its  like.. that love isnt there. it’s just another season. yknow? in conclusion I miss skam so much :(

ok whew if ur reading this ur a champion but also why did you just read 5k of me rambling about how much I love sana bakkoush?? 

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Mun name: Rem (not that blue-haired anime girl or DN, it’s from my old blog!) OOC Contact: Contact me through the Tumblr IM system or my Discord! My Discord is: imperialsea#1818. Please tell me your URL if you message me there so I know who you are!

Now, onto the heart of the post!

   ♛   Who the heck is my muse, anyway? Elizabeth Eva Alexandria Cross, the only biological daughter of Kaien Cross, her father (a canon vk char), and Eva Liliya Cherie Cross, her mother (an oc muse)! Elizabeth is a vampire hunter by blood like all in her family before her! But, shh! Your character isn't supposed to know that .  .  .  unless they're also a hunter .  .  .  or a perhaps a vampire (since her family from both sides are famous hunters, but even then they don't have to know she's a vamp killer if you don't want them to) .  .  .  or they're some sort of ally to her / the hunters association since she can't just tell anyone her actual work on a whim. Where she's from, the existence of vampires are a secret from most of humanity and it's her job to kill the dangerous people-hurty ones and keep that nice and secret so as to avoid a world war! 'Nothing about her is complicated at all', I say, lying through my teeth like Bethy does to society every day by keeping her job and true lifestyle hidden :'D

Further information below the cut, please take time to read if you’re stuck on what to plot and how Bethy operates!

   ♛   Points of Interest:           - She was born and raised to fight against unruly beasts and composed foes alike. Despite her youth, she's a one-woman powerhouse and is not afraid to take herself down with an opponent if she deems it necessary. She's like the Smash player who hits the fake smash ball to take out an enemy on their last legs, even at the expense of her own life. She'll do it! Except in Smash she'd probably just win the match because she had an extra life and not, you know, not die forever for real in a last grand battle.

          - She's got vamp genes all over the place and is rare among hunters. She's biologically immortal like a Pureblood despite not being a vampire herself and is living testimony of what her predecessors took from Purebloods both by honorable bestowal of blood from the mysterious Hooded Woman, and straight up [insert painting of Jupiter Devouring His Son here]. Her great grandparent is 3k+ years old, her father is 200+ for devouring his own twin-- it's messy as mythology, but anime :'D  She herself is only 18 on default though (19 in K Crossover--), the youngest of her entire bloodline, and she can still be slain in battle even if she is much hardier than a typical human being. She's also sensitive to auras, and capable of sensing vampires.

          - Things characters might notice? She's ghostly pale and kind of looks like she stepped out of The Last Unicorn. She looks cold, sophisticated, and vaguely otherworldly-- she really doesn't radiate the friendliest of vibes unless she's doing something she loves, and the calculated yet seemingly effortless grace of her movements are prominent in and outside of combat. She is descended from an ancient royal line, and those posh, stuffy mannerisms and formal speech pattern live on through her even if the Adrasteian monarchy no longer exists.

          - She truly isn't a trigger-happy person, whatever the title of 'hunter' implies, and keeps a level head in most situations. Sure, Bethy looks as if she could bite someone's head off and can display some seriously threatening flashes of anger, but she's not going to do something rash and will only resort to drawing her weapons in a serious matter. She's here to save lives, maintain peace, and keep order, not disrupt it and set off a war! No pressure on her, right?

         - She is also notably, NOT a high school student, though she may be mistaken for a high school senior or young college student since her age fits the bill. Elizabeth actually graduated from her high school at age sixteen and took to hunting full-time immediately after. She was convinced to slow it down by her grandparents and began preparing for college when her assignment at Cross Academy arrived and, uh, pretty tragically, hasn’t been able to attend any classes due to her work demands. Come to choose between the world and personal fulfillment? Her conscience only let her have one choice; a hunter must hunt.

    ♛   What they’ve been up to recently:           - Work. There's hardly a time when this girl isn't working or planning what to do next, and the workload only grows after the previous president is outed as a dishonorable, self-serving traitor to the hunters. She's seriously injured after trading blows with him and is promptly benched to deal with the fallout and mental agony, but she's back within a year (and in K's crossover? Only six months later!).

          - Having said that, Elizabeth does have days off and will spend them quietly with her friends, or alone with music and a rejuvenating swim.

          - Depending on the time in her life? Her life circumstances vary drastically-- she can go from a young huntress travelling on her own as duty demands, or she can be a mother of five children and trusted right hand of the new hunter president, Zero Kiryuu. She lives for a long time, so she's always up to something! And of course, she's always motivated to fight for a better future. 

   ♛   Where to find them:            - Aside from work, check the beach! Or find her on methods of cross-continental transportation since she travels around the world for her job (she walks whenever possible, so it's rare to see her on a bus, but she’ll begrudgingly take one or a train)! Otherwise, a place like an aquarium, clothing store, or coffee shop, or any place in a city is your best chance.... write w me pls... q-q she is Around Somewhere.

          - If not found in any of those places and your character is someone inside Cross Academy, she can be found there, helping the prefects in some way and is familiar enough with the building to help out new students if they ask.

    ♛   Current Plans:           - Elizabeth is chained to her work as a hunter for as long as she draws breath, or until there is no need for her to end hostile vampires. Her ultimate goal is to keep the world from falling into a repeat, all-out war between vampires and humanity. Her living and family situation might change through the years, but that will always be her primary drive-- she's got an indomitable will.

    ♛   Desired Interactions:           - please ovq

          - In all seriousness, I’m up for pretty much anything. She needs more friends, more enemies, people to protect, people to be protected by, people she looks up to, people who legitimately unnerve her, everything! I just don’t feel comfortable killing her. Elizabeth fought really hard to get her future and deserves to find comfort after her entire childhood-young adult life was spent thinking the only thing of worth she had was her role as a huntress. I do really, really love angst though, so anything else goes, really c:

     ♛   Offered Interactions ( please sit tight for this! it will be divided into multiple sections! ) :           - IF YOUR CHARACTER IS HUMAN:                - She’ll assume your muse is an average civilian until shown otherwise (be it with unusual powers, whacky aura, combat prowess, or prior knowledge from a report or something-- a plot specific thing). Unless they truly know about vampires / work with the Hunters Association, Elizabeth will not be sharing any information about who or what she is without a legitimate reason (such as the human character being bitten by a Pureblood and thus is being turned into a vampire themselves). However, the other party being kept in the dark about vampires can open the door to a more relaxed Elizabeth without her professional, perfectionist mindset. She’s more likely to have a pleasant conversation with humans since they have no part in the hunt-- but in that same vein, she does aim to keep them at a certain distance and not develop a deep emotional bond (but she’s also a lot softer than she looks and acts and tends to care for others quickly, should they get along). It’s a tricky slope .  .  . She’s thawed out and the nicer aspects of her personality are far more prominent, but at the same time, she’s not being entirely genuine. Give her time and she’ll become more open about personal things, just, not her work.

               - Applies to her K Proj. Crossover.  Working with S4, Elizabeth takes some time to adjust, but ultimately loves the organization and the people within it. They’re an exception to her ‘no ties with average humans’ rule because....errr.... they’re not the average human she’s used to protecting and in that verse they’re aware of her occupation and peculiar heritage. She’s not as cold first impressions might suggest and loves Reisi’s weird af team building nights, it’s hard for her to not have a soft spot for them, even as an outsider and unofficial member (as in, she has none of the abilities the Blues have, but she has her natural abilities).

         - IF YOUR CHARACTER IS A HUNTER:                 - Elizabeth is a known figure in hunter society; her great grandfather, grandfather, and aunt were previous heads of the organization and each are still alive at present. So, it probably makes more sense if your hunter character at the very least knows about her-- unless they’re an off-series muse in which case go wild and do what you think is best! I always did like the idea of two vampire hunters chilling together with neither one knowing the other is a fellow hunter until they’re attacked by a vamp and they’re both like ‘Oh!’

               - A simple but always reliable plot idea is two hunters on a joint mission! It’s really important to know that Bethy does not take kindly to poor performance and expects her partner to take whatever assignment they have seriously. If not? Things get tundra-cold really fast-- o-o;; People’s lives are at stake and in her opinion, if a hunter wants to mope or complain about their blood-given obligation, they’re not fit to be hunters in the first place. ‘Can’t do the job? Then finish what you started with me if you have any shred of integrity, and get thee gone’ sort of thing. Otherwise, uh :’D;; she’s highly cooperative and always aims to reach the outcome with the least amount of damage.

               - As a teenager, she attended a hunter-run private academy in Adrasteia for four years. If it’s possible for your muse to attend (as in, they are from a vampire hunter family and can pass the rigorous entrance exams), throw em in for a slightly younger, less stringent Bethy? A national fencing champion at the top of her classes, and great granddaughter to the legendary hellfire headmaster, Elizabeth’s not easily missed! It could be the start to an amicable relationship to carry into future interactions?

        - IF YOUR CHARACTER IS A VAMPIRE:                 - Bluntly put, for vampires, it’s probably better to interact with Elizabeth after Cross Academy has fallen in the large battle that took place there. Her mother is revealed to have been alive and held captive as a vampire, she’s already friends with a hunter/vamp, her two friends turned out to be Purebloods, and ‘oh....my mother and father got together again and now I’ve got a younger vampire brother’ .....and her boyfriend’s half sister is also a vampire who marries the former vamp senate heir..... so...vamps everywhere; she simply accepts them as part of the family. Prior to that, while she isn’t hostile to vampires and certainly has no intention to attack a vamp unjustly, it’s not a place she’s eager to put herself in. Depending on how threatened she feels, she’ll even swallow her pride and keep her head down-- mostly.

               - If your muse is a hunter-turned-vampire, she doesn’t treat them as a vampire, rather, she still sees them as a compatriot, like in the case of Zero Kiryuu. Whether or not your muse received the blood of their keeper is up to you, but in the case that they haven’t-- she’s always there to assist in granting mercy whenever the time comes :’)

       - IF YOUR CHARACTER DOES NOT FIT INTO ANY OF THE ABOVE CATEGORIES / REGARDING OTHER VERSES:                - Please help me find something that works, I’m willing to try! Memes are incredibly helpful! Send one in, the tag is here, and we can go from there!

                  - My currently finished and ready-to-use Crossover Verse is K Proj., which can be read about right here.

      ♛   Current Open Post/s: Linked right here. There's no expiration date to these, and it doesn't matter if another person has replied to one, you are more than welcome to reply to one if it catches your eye at all.

      ♛   Anything else?:  YEAH, wow I am so sorry that got so long. Please note that this post may be updated periodically!

Alright, Bern’s game.

Let’s not mince words - I basically already know the answer to the only question Bern’s asking. Not only is it sort of thematically obvious, but it’s been nearly 7 years since EP8 came out - I’ve seen both fanart and manga caps depicting the happy family in the middle of their killing spree. I already know the culprits are Kyrie, Rudolf, and Battler. Just like that Bern’s entire game is solved.

But that’s not any fun, is it? After all, this is truly my last chance to experience a (mostly) brand-new Umineko scenario that I’ve never read before. My last chance to sort of recapture that feel of the Good Ol’ Days trying to theorize and solve a gameboard mystery. Not wanting to waste the opportunity, I decided my challenge would be, instead, to explain the howdunnit without violating the red truth or the newly-introduced purple statements.

First Twilight

Six bloodied bodies are found in the dining hall. They are: Eva, Hideyoshi, Rudolf, Kyrie, Rosa, and Genji. The children examined their own parents’ corpses, while Dr. Nanjo and Kanon examine Genji’s. Furthermore, we are told by Dr. Nanjo in purple that the method of killing is such that anyone could verify with certainty that they were dead at a glance.

Battler’s family are the culprits. Conversely this means nobody besides Battler’s family is among the culprits, and thus their purple statements can be taken as truth. This includes Nanjo’s purple given above.

Battler is among the culprits, so that automatically invalidates this statement. Ergo, Kyrie and Rudolf were not dead. No one else checked their corpses. Kyrie and Rudolf killed the other four and bloodied themselves, playing dead and hiding among the others.

Since the dining hall was locked when it was first discovered, at least one culprit had to stay behind and lock the door from the inside. Rudolf and Kyrie locked the door before playing dead. The windows are also irrelevant due to Bern’s new rules for this gameboard, and since the servants are not among the culprits (for once!!), the master keys are also irrelevant. 

Second Twilight

As we know, everyone on this island is really bad at sticking together in crisis situations, so they inevitably split up to take a break. Natsuhi and Krauss are the only ones who fail to return after a long time, and are, inevitably, found dead in Natsuhi’s room.

The door is locked when they arrived, as stated by Jessica in purple. The door is then sealed immediately after the survivors exit using Erika’s famous duct tape seals. Then the dining hall, and finally the two doors to the mansion, are sealed in the same fashion, before the party heads to the guesthouse.

I was initially stumped by these reds - in particular, the fact that the seals would not be broken for the duration of the game. This would render Kyrie and Rudolf trapped and unable to act, yet most of the subsequent murders were stated to have been impossible for any of the cousins (including Battler) to commit. 

That’s when I went back, reread, and noticed the order in which the rooms were sealed. With that in mind, the solution becomes easy.

One of the two parents - let’s say Rudolf - entered Natsuhi's room and killed both her and Krauss. The culprit remained hidden inside the room when the survivors examined the corpses. Thus, when the room was sealed, the culprit was sealed inside. Hope there’s something good on TV at least, Rudolf, because the culprit is now unable to act for the duration of the game.

But that’s okay. Having snuck out of the dining hall before it was sealed, Kyrie exits the mansion and goes to hide in the guesthouse. Remember that the guesthouse is where everyone was staying - it’d be a hassle to call a servant to lock and unlock the front door whenever they moved from there to the mansion. Thus we can say almost certainly that the guesthouse was unlocked even before the survivors headed over there. Kyrie slips into the guesthouse while Battler and the others are sealing the mansion with duct tape, and then hides. 

When the remaining party moves over to the guesthouse and locks the door behind them, the culprit is already there. Since she left the dining hall and mansion before they were sealed, the red is not invalidated. Since Rudolf remains sealed inside Natsuhi’s room, that red is not broken either. All seals remain intact.

Finally, if Rudolf killed the four in the dining hall and then killed Natsuhi and Krauss, he would have killed six people. The red did not say when they were killed, or in which room, so this should be valid.

Fourth Twilight

After moving to the guesthouse, our Idiot Family decides to...split up again, I guess? For some reason? It’s literally just not explained.

Bern voice: don’t worry about it

Anyway, Shannon - and thus Kanon - slip out for some unexplained reason and go outside. Shannon is found dead, so Kanon disappears as well. No one has an alibi for the small window of time during which she disappeared, as stated by Jessica in purple. 

Originally I was going to pin this on Kyrie, but I was reminded that a culprit is a murderer. Thus, in order for Battler to be a culprit and lie in purple (required in order to have Rudolf and Kyrie moving about), Battler needs to dirty his own hands. This is the only crime Battler should be able to commit without violating any reds or purples, so Battler killed Shannon. 

...my alternate theory was on Battler’s level of bizarre, twisted, but technically not in violation of the colored statements logic in which all three of them helped each other out in the dining hall, effectively all dirtying their hands simultaneously, and also collectively counting as ‘the culprit’ who killed 6 people. But then I remembered that he had no alibi for Shannon’s - and only Shannon’s - murder, so there was no need for that kind of wacky truth. As to be expected...it’s Bern’s game, after all, not Beato’s. It should be solvable without twisted logic.

Fifth and Sixth Twilight

The survivors retreat into the guesthouse and lock everything up tight. We’re reminded of something we should already know in purple - there are no hidden doors. Even so, Kumasawa and Gohda end up being killed. 

We’re told that, due to the large amount of blood that’d inevitably stain their clothes, none of the cousins or Nanjo could have possibly killed these two (didn’t stop Erika in EP6 but it’s in purple so I guess that’s the story we’re going with). This omits Battler as a suspect - however, Kyrie was already waiting in the guesthouse. When no one was paying attention, Kyrie entered (or perhaps was already waiting in) the servant room and killed them both, then hid herself once more. Since she was already in the guesthouse since before they locked it up, the state of the locks is irrelevant.

Seventh and Eighth Twilight

Nanjo is found dead in the guesthouse lobby. Again, we’re told in purple that none of the cousins could have killed him.

Kyrie killed Nanjo. It’s the same as before - she was already hiding in the guesthouse, so the fact that it’s still locked is irrelevant. 

Frustrated, Jessica runs out into the rain to scream at the hidden culprit (as one does, if one is an Umineko character), and is summarily killed. We’re given more purple - none of the remaining three could have done it. Maria couldn’t kill anyone. George couldn’t kill an adult...but he could (and probably would) totally kill a child (you know, for kicks). 

Kyrie killed Jessica. She could have simply followed after Jessica opened the door and ran out, while Battler ensured that George and Maria searched for her in the wrong place - giving her plenty of time to finish the job and hide once again.

...

I was told that the game effectively ends at this point, and did not continue onto the next chapter until I had finalized my thoughts.

Ultimately it was a fun throwback to the Olden Days of Umineko theorizing, even if it was rather short and simple.

CALL ME A KILLJOY but I am sick to death of hearing about Karl Marx. I am sick of his name, his -isms, his undoubted genius, and his “philosophy.” I am sick of him “having reason,” as the French say, or “being right.” But most of all I am sick of his “relevance.”

As someone whose parents were born and grew up in the Socialist Federal Republic of Yugoslavia, and who missed the same fate by the skin of her teeth, I know perfectly well what Marx’s relevance amounts to. Marx gave it a name, even if for him it meant something else than it did for the people of Yugoslavia. I am talking about the oft-quoted and seldom understood “religion of everyday life.”

In post–World War II Yugoslavia, Marx’s “relevance” was to be a member of the ruling communist party. Outside of that supra-religious institution no substantial share in the social wealth was possible. “[T]he life-process of society,” as Marx observes in what turned out to be a weird prediction, “which is based on the process of material production, does not strip off its mystical veil until it is treated as production by freely associated men, and is consciously regulated by them in accordance with a settled plan.”

The constitution that enshrined this religion in law and etched it in the consciousness of Yugoslavs did not survive the county’s horrific civil war, which lasted from 1991 to 2001, resulting in the deaths of 150,000 and the displacement of 4,000,000 people; in all, more than one sixth of its total population. And yet remarkably its “religion” survived, despite the fact that today it’s the “freely associated men” — or the freemasonic cabals that rule over the remnants of Yugoslavia like buzzards circling a herd of listless cattle — whose mystical veil is in urgent need of being torn to shreds.

Imagine if Marx had been a theater producer. That was surely far more his style. He certainly knew how to flatter egos, as he did when Ferdinand Lassalle asked him to appraise the manuscript of his dud of a play Franz von Sickingen. “I must applaud both composition and action,” Marx lied, “and that’s more than one can say of any other modern German play.” It might have been his true vocation, putting on dramas and musical comedies at London’s Theatre Royal in Drury Lane, the street where the German Workers Educational Society held its meetings, and where its members could partake of recreational activities, from poetry to fencing. I wonder if Marx ever lamented during those irreproachable sessions the fact that all the world’s a stage, and that he was overseeing the wrong one.

I can’t resist citing that hilarious Mel Brooks film The Producers, starring Zero Mostel and Gene Wilder, in which a washed-up theater producer’s accountant persuades his client to deliberately stage a Broadway flop in order to avoid a hefty tax bill. When Springtime for Hitler: A Gay Romp with Adolf and Eva at Berchtesgaden becomes an unexpected and inexplicable hit, Mostel’s livid reaction is worthy of Marx himself (Karl, not Groucho) for its topsy-turvy contrariety: “I was so careful,” bemoans the producer. “I picked the wrong play, the wrong director, the wrong cast — where did I go right?”

Is it too outlandish to speculate that in Marx’s case the critique of political economy had been the stand-in for a juvenile passion? Poetry was Marx’s Thing (das Ding an sich), the Real that a combination of his father’s bitter chastisement and his encounter with Hegel’s “craggy melody” managed to cure him of during his Berlin student days. The prospect of earning a living to provide for his future wife, the Baron von Westphalen’s daughter, no doubt helped to tear the veil of his metaphysical illusions. Like a restless artist, Marx’s lifelong fanaticism might thus be read as a nostalgic yearning for an irreplaceable fetish-object, “the sensibly super-sensible” (sinnlich übersinnlich) as he calls it in Capital. Nothing could ever compete with art, no amount of critical veil-tearing could ever substitute for Marx’s love of lyrical poetry. And so he took the only career path left open to him. He became a producer instead; an impresario in the art of critique.

We are living in a culture that sees tragedy everywhere: that fetishizes it. It’s something of a neurotic obsession. In mid-19th-century England, around 60,000 people, including many children, would die each year of tuberculosis. When Charles Darwin’s daughter Annie died of the disease in 1851 he wrote in his diary: “We have lost the joy of the household, and the solace of our old age. […] Oh that she could now know how deeply, how tenderly we do still & and shall ever love her dear joyous face.” Another child, Mary, died in early infancy. But people don’t refer to Darwin’s life as tragic.

High birth rates were normal for Victorian families irrespective of class. Marx’s wife Jenny gave birth to seven children, only three of whom survived to adulthood; the Darwins had 10. There is nothing tragic about this high mortality rate. Indeed, Darwin accounts for it himself in On the Origin of Species, noting that the number of individuals of a given species is governed by natural selection, which determines how each individual’s inherited characteristics aid and abet it in the “struggle for existence.” Only a culture profoundly anesthetised to the causes of human suffering would dare mention tragedy in relation to infant mortality, given that it’s derived from the Greek word for “goat” (tragos), whose blood sacrifice would have been lamented in song at the Theatre of Dionysus in fifth-century Athens. For all their apparent lunacy the producers were clearly carrying on a long tradition.

Although Marx’s favorite poet was the Greek tragedian Aeschylus, his was certainly not a tragic life, at least according to the historical definition of tragedy handed down to us from Aristotle. It was sad. And of course it was defined by struggle. But it was not tragic, since the mere fact of being born, becoming ill, then dying, sooner or later, is a biological fact. In order to be a tragic figure the deaths in question would need to be attributable to an act of hubris on the protagonist’s part. But there is no evidence to suggest Marx committed any such act in the case of any of his four deceased children.

It was arguably Charles Dickens — like Darwin, Marx’s contemporary — who was largely responsible for this perversion of the idea of the tragic or sacrificial death, which he memorialized through his depictions of children and their poor unfortunate souls, to such an extent that the plight of almost any Victorian child is today thought of as “tragic.” But this Dickensian propensity for melodrama is more worthy of a satyr play. As Oscar Wilde put it: “One must have a heart of stone to read the death of little Nell without laughing.”

To be honest, one knows why Marx is so often portrayed as a tragic hero. It is to humanize him, thus attenuating any controversial aspect of his thought. By depicting Marx as a “19th-century life,” to borrow the title of Jonathan Sperber’s wholly unconvincing biography, one relativizes the man and his ideas. One quarantines it, much like the dangerous animals one locks inside cages at the zoo, so much the better to prod and gawp at the exotic creatures, in clear ignorance of the social context that facilitates such saccharine objectification.

Marx is not a tragic specimen, and I for one am not prepared to let him off the hook so easily. To say that his was a 19th-century life is to forget that his name and ideas only entered into common currency in the 20th. If the specter of communism makes any sense today then it’s because the thing itself was barely stirring when Marx and Engels prophesized it in 1848. It would be another hundred years before Lenin, Stalin, Mao, and their supporting cast succeeded in turning one third of the global population red.

But! his devoted fans insist, Marx cannot be blamed for the crimes carried out by the inheritors of his political legacy! Which is like saying that the makers of gunpowder cannot be blamed for its misuse. That is perfectly true — assuming we can agree on what might constitute “misuse.” Gunpowder isn’t intended for washing the dishes. It’s made for the express purpose of blowing things up.

Let us remind ourselves that Marx was the inventor of historical materialism. And this “science of history” advances the following basic principle: “men” make history in unforeseen circumstances. History takes us for a ride. We are all subject to its petulant whims; slave to its organic rhythms (something akin to being battered by a wave and thrown head over heels — you might say one “adapts” to the experience). Those fortunate enough to gain a foothold on the train of history must hang on as best they can. But ultimately the “natural laws of capitalist production” work with “iron necessity toward inevitable results,” meaning woe betide anyone stupid enough to get in the way, for they shall be steamrolled. Like the Slavs who Marx describes as being “incapable of progress and civilization,” and Engels as “residual fragments of peoples” whose “whole existence in general is itself a protest against a great historical revolution.” Despite being “destined to perish before long in the revolutionary world storm” the Slavs might at least take heart from knowing that their brute existence served some purpose in the long march toward civilization. But then Marxists have been feeding the same message to the Slavs for the last century and a half.

I have a suggestion to make. Given the un-tragic wrongness of Marx’s thought, why not make a case for the great man’s contemporary irrelevance? After all, is there today anything more incongruous, perverse, and patently absurd than the call by self-styled communist philosophers like Slavoj Žižek for a Marxist-communist renaissance or “idea of communism,” which looks suspiciously like the idealism or “German ideology” that Marx spent his youth meticulously taking to pieces?

Experience shows that there are two sides to every contradiction. And one would be stupendously naïve to think that anti-Marxism hasn’t for some years now been an article of faith as robust as the genuine article. “I am not a Marxist,” Marx was alleged to have told his son-in-law Paul Lafargue, when the latter brought news from Paris of French “Marxists.” But there is no reason to believe him. Marx was no less vain and insecure in respect of his own intellectual legacy than most of his rivals and opponents, which explains why so many of the letters people sent him went missing, no doubt destroyed by their correspondent. It is difficult to believe that Marx would have been indifferent to the propagation of his own mythology, and to claim that he wasn’t a Marxist is about as convincing and self-critical as Groucho Marx’s hilarious assertion that he wouldn’t wish to join any club that would have him as a member.

Not quite an irrelevant legacy, then. But without doubt patently absurd. Whenever I watch The Producers I can’t help thinking of Marx, and like Max Bialystock and Leo Bloom I wonder to myself how he could possibly have gone right.

¤

Ana Stankovic graduated with a master’s degree from the Faculty of Fine Arts Belgrade in 2013. She is a practicing painter whose work has been exhibited in Serbia and Switzerland. She is currently undertaking research at Kyung Hee University in the Department of British and American Language and Culture.

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