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froggymarsh · 1 year

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Pixl is not having a good day.

It’s evident from the moment he enters the van- (it’s the only thing they’ve built in this world, they could do all of this outside but the editing equipment would get wet)- the automatic door gets stuck three times before Pixl simply brute forces his way through it. The door protests, fighting rather stubbornly on the middle bit, refusing to slide open, but Pix shoves it open and just as harshly forces it shut, making Zloy wince.

The lights are his next target- he swipes a hand down the wall that nearly shakes the entire van.

“Heya Pix,” Zloy greets, handing over the script. Pixl comes to sit at the table with him. The dark doesn’t bother him, there’s a window on the wall next to them, lighting the entire table through the blinds. And he’s a Zombie- it’s like Elsa, the dark never bothered him anyway.

“Zloy,” Pixl returns, shutting the blinds with a snap. He takes the script and starts looking over it, “we need to invest in some blackout curtains.”

“Can do,” he files that away for later, taps away at his recording software. Pixl makes a frustrated little noise and picks up a red pen.

Zloy doesn’t like red on his edits. It’s a bit too mean.

“Can you edit in blue?”

Pixl shoots him a glare and tosses the red pen across the room. Zloy watches it arc and land, clattering off somewhere under the couch.

“Are you okay?”

Pixl snatches a blue pen and continues his edit, his leg bouncing like mad under the table, “never better.”

“Usually you ask me before you make edits,” he reminds him, trying to keep confrontation out of his voice- he’s not the enemy here, he’s not mad, just worried.

“Just,” Pixl pushes a hand through his hair and gestures at the paper, “spelling. It was bugging me.”

Zloy notes the frustration- that spelling mistakes don’t usually bother him, unless he’s, well.

“No worries.”

They’re quiet after that, falling into the familiar rhythm of editing. Zloy taps away at his recording stuff, carefully setting out and plugging in the mic and making minor adjustments to settings. Pixl’s pen scratches, some harsher than others.

“I really don’t know how to spell this week huh?”

Pixl doesn’t answer.

That’s a bit worrying. Pixl’s always got a quip.

Zloy watches, waiting, taking silent notes- Pixl’s got a death glare on the paper that could rival Zombie Cleo’s. He keeps adjusting his hair, every flavor of unkept crossing his scalp.

His leg is bouncing. He keeps pushing his sleeves up and down like nothing is comfortable. He looks overwhelmed, piecing through a script in ten minutes that would usually take about thirty seconds for him to read through once. He looks an inch from falling asleep and about a million light years from ever touching a bed again. He looks like he might cry.

Zloy reaches over and takes back the script.

“Zloy,” Pixl snaps, almost like a wolf, baring his teeth for a single bite of the word. His pen caught on the paper, leaving a harsh line of blue from the middle to the bottom.

“We’re taking a break,” Zloy returns, no room for argument, pushing up from the table and dragging a chair with him to store the script on a high up shelf.

“But we just started,” Pixl complains, making no move to stop him. His leg keeps bouncing. He yanks his sleeves back over his hands.

“Makes it easier to take a break that way,” Zloy answers, tucking away the script and pulling out a box of the tea Pix likes, “less to clean up.”

“Don’t need it,” Pixl grumbles, glaring down at the table now, “just wanna get this over with.”

Zloy retrieves a kettle next, fills it with water, puts it on a burner. “Want to pick a hermit for us to watch?”

“I don’t wanna watch a hermit.”

“Then someone else?” Zloy pulls out two mugs- gag gifts they made for each other two christmases ago, “c’mon, Pix, work with me here.”

Stony silence. Pixl glares down at the table, eyes glossy with tears. They sit in bubbling silence until the kettle sings- Zloy fills their mugs and puts in the tea bags.

“Decked out is looking impressive,” Zloy tries, keeping his voice light, “and Mumbo’s back, running around on a pig.”

Pixl doesn’t answer.

“We could take a look at Scarland.”

Nothing.

Zloy starts humming the Mumbo AFK song.

When the tea’s ready he joins Pixl at the table again. Tears have dripped onto his sleeves. He looks disappointed by the mug.

“What’s wrong, buddy?”

Pixl pokes at the mug, “it’s dumb.”

“The mug?”

“No-” Pixl almost whines, wiping his eyes on one sleeve, “no, just- I’m dumb, I shouldn’t-”

“You’re not dumb,” Zloy interrupts, firm. “What’s wrong? How do I fix it?”

Pixl wipes his eyes again, slumps forward on the table with the energy of a ten year old who’s just been told bedtime is sooner than he wants it to be.

“I’m-” Pixl swallows, runs a hand through his hair again, rests his chin on one arm, “I’m a little too small for a mug. Right now.”

“Yeah?” Zloy asks, pressing gently, “afraid you’ll spill?”

Pixl shakes his head, a dusting of red at the tips of his ears and on his cheeks, “just. Small. A bit. Maybe.”

He clears his throat, folds his arms together. “Just think it’d be nice.”

Zloy nods, takes the mug and walks back to their cabinets, “sippy cup or bottle?”

“Bottle,” Pixl murmurs, then buries his face in his arms.

Zloy hums the affirmative and picks a bottle- one that’s long and clear and lightly patterned with sweet berries and foxes, both red and white. He transfers the tea and screws on the can on his way back.

He gently presses it to Pixl’s arm. Pix grabs it with a mumbled thanks but doesn’t drink yet.

“You’re welcome.”

Silence again, Zloy pulls his chair over, sips his tea and rubs Pixl’s back. He can’t tell if he’s crying or not. He doesn’t think it matters. He’s here, he’s got him.

Eventually, Pixl emerges, eyes red rimmed. He wipes away the wet trails on his cheeks.

“Wanna watch you,” he says, much softer than before.

“Yeah?” Zloy smiles, “we can watch me.”

#not putting this under a read more actually it’s just here now #pixl tag #zloy tag #< praying this doesn’t alert him of my location sksjdjd /hj #drabbles #mcyt agere #recap crew beloved #I don’t know what Zloy sounds like I’m so sorry #I haven’t listened to him talk enough sksjdjdjf

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votederpycausemufins · 3 years

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Already here with another chapter. Much shorter, but last one was long, so what do you expect?

au by @hermitcraftheadcanons and @helleborusangel gets tagged in my writing.

Thousands of people waited on bated breath as they tuned into what was likely to be the next episode of Hermitcraft Recap. Pixlriffs and Zloy had already made a public announcement that they had no idea about the new season or what happened to the hermits, only learning when they themselves watched the day one recap.

In fact, the two of them were on their couch, ready to watch another episode. Their hope was that this was some sort of elaborate prank and this week there would be no weekly recap and instead a reveal. But luck didn’t seem to be on their side, as a new clip started to play.

As a clip of Joe and Beef seeing a giant structure that had suddenly appeared started to play, both the recappers got notebooks ready. The intro started just the same as before, Zloy quickly writing down the names of Noah, Goofball and Valentine so they could look into their player records later.

From there, they again went from hermit to hermit, recapping all that had happened, though there was one thing that stood out to the recappers. In a few clips, a new structure was featured, one near most of the hermits. But it was completely ignored, other than either Noah or Goofball saying the hermit had ‘found something’ and then not elaborating.

A worrying detail was the fact that mob hybrids seemed to be acting more towards their instincts, such as Zedaph munching on wheat and Ren attacking Etho when he was hit. The other that a few of the hermits were gaining traits of the area they were stuck in, like Wels growing tusks or Bdubs becoming black like the void.

Speaking of those two hermits, both of them had found someone new. Wels of course had found his evil copy in the crimson forest, but the footage was cut off before he could be talked about much. Bdubs on the other hand had found someone hanging onto what looked like a mix between an end gateway and the things that had been appearing near others. Again, they couldn’t get much of the hermit’s reaction due to a cut taking them elsewhere, but it was enough to take note of, getting a description of a person in pink armor and white hair.

There were also two other new people who hadn’t interacted with other hermits, though these people the new recappers actually covered, them being Pearlescentmoon and Geminitay. Apparently they weren’t there on day one, but had been there most of the week. Gem was in a better situation than a number of the hermits, not being stuck somewhere or in a death loop, though she was still stranded who knew how far from spawn.

Pixl and Zloy took as many notes as they could, then the presenters said the thing they wanted to hear. “Now, rolling things back a little, some things have appeared at everyone’s spawn, the question is what they are.”

“With a few minor exceptions, every player has had these pillars appear at their spawn made of different blocks depending on the spawn.” Goofball was speaking, explaining the structures. “For example, in the deep dark, Xisuma’s pillar is made of deepslate. Meanwhile Hypno’s has birch and honeycomb.”

“Right now, the pillars only show each person’s spawn,” Noah picked up. “But over time they may lead to something more. Though right now, there are three exceptions.” Noah paused as there was a little bit of whispering. “Right. Four exceptions. The first two of these four are the most important, those being Beef and Joe’s pillars.”

“As you saw.” Goofball spoke up again. “The two of them found a large tower in the middle of spawn that was not there before. The pair briefly explored the tower to see what was inside, finding a parkour course leading upwards. Instead of following that up, they tried to build up with little success, and shortly after found a number of their harder to find items missing.” And the audio paused to show a clip of Beef and Joe finding all their diamonds and other similarly rare items gone.

“Possibly in the future they’ll try getting up there again. But eh, who knows when that will be. And with that marks the end of today’s Hermitcraft Recap. I was Toon Noah-”

“And I was Mysterious Goofball and our writer was Pin Valentine. If you’d like to see original content made by us, you can find us if you already know where to look.”

“Don’t forget to give this show a good rating and tune in next week for the next episode of Hermitcraft Recap. Thank you all so much for watching and goodb-”

The recappers had already both looked up at the television when the outro started, so many questions still left unanswered. If they hadn’t, they would have suddenly looked up when the audio cut out. Though it seemed to have stopped, the panorama of footage from the new hermitcraft season, if it could be called that, was still playing. Zloy was about to get up and check their sound when there was suddenly another noise from the tv, the sound of a crash that seemed to come from off camera.

Then one of the new recapping pair spoke up. “What are you doing here? Look, if you’re angry about-”

“Angry? Why would I be angry?” A new voice spoke up. It was familiar, but for the life of them, neither Pixlriffs nor Zloy could figure out who it was. “No, it’s a wonderful idea! In fact I want to help out with your recording next week. I assume you have general scripts for the upcoming events, yes?”

“I mean, yeah.” Goofball spoke. “But shouldn’t you-”

“Great. Now I think I want to talk about these player files. They shouldn't be- oh, you’re still recording, aren’t you? Shut that off.”

And a moment later, the episode finally finished, leaving Pixl and Zloy sitting quietly on the couch with their notebooks.

“Pixl, you were recording this, right?”

“Yeah. Want me to replay it?” He asked Zloy, who nodded. Pixl pulled up the recordings and replayed the recap episode, only to find it very different from before. The entire video was now replaced with a black screen and purple text scrolling across the screen.

‘Sorry for the inconvenience, but this episode cannot be rewatched. -Xelqua.’

“I’m guessing we want to add that one to the player list.”

“Already writing it down Pix. We’re taking this up the ladder tomorrow, right?”

Pixlriffs nodded. “At this point, it might be better to go now.”

#hermitcraft #scattered au #hermitcraft recap #pixlriffs #zloyxp #evo in a nutshell #Toon Noah #Mysterious Goofball #Pin Valentine #The hermits #watcher grian #grian #grian xelqua #the watchers (evo)#the watchers #watcher!grian

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theres-an-impulstor-among-us · 3 years

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Friday Night Stabby best quotes part 14 - Legacy Peeps edition (05/03/21)

people playing in this game: Skizz, Joker, Impulse, Zloy, Logic, Poppy (PoptartKatze), Pearl, Chim (ChimneySwift), Sausage, Avo (Avomance). prox chat is off bc the game updated and crewlink didnt work

…

Chim: Okay, I’m here! Don’t start without me! Poppy: We just started without you. Zloy: We just started without you.

...

*Impulse reports Skizz’s body* Impulse: Hello hello. Somebody killed my blueberry friend. Somebody killed my blueberry friend and I’m sad! Zloy: Quick let’s think about it: who had the motive? Impulse: It was in electrical, by the way. Poppy: I was messing with wires. Logic: That sounds very ‘electrical’. Poppy: Not messing with bodies! I was messing with wires IN electrical. Pearl: That’s where the body was, Poppy.

...

Impulse: I’m just happy to be part of this crew :) Pearl: So happy you would stab somebody?

...

Sausage: You voted for me?! Logic, get outta here! I didn’t even say one word, Logic!

...

Pearl: Another body in electrical. Poppy, have you been playing with wires again? Poppy: I was… somewhere. Not in electrical, obviously.

...

Joker: At the beginning of the game, I went into electrical and did my tasks and left and then I went ALL the way around to the other side to do asteroids in weapons. Pearl: I actually believe that; I remember seeing you in there. Zloy: I’m sorry, I was not listening. I was too busy voting you out of the airlock.

...

Logic: *is the only one who voted for Sausage again* Sausage: Stop it, Logic! I hate you!

...

Zloy, during the round: This is a public announcement that ghosts can and should do their tasks. Sausage: Roger roger. Logic: Roger roger. Zloy: It’s a public announcement, you don’t need to roger roger if I’m speaking over the intercom.

...

Pearl: I think it’s Logic; all of us have been in the middle for the majority of the round. Zloy: I’m pretty sure Logic hasn’t been, so let’s yeet him. Impulse to his chat: Oh no. He’s getting yeeted.

...

Zloy: Joker, can I have my lime back, please? Joker: What, Zloy? What’d you say? Zloy: Can I have my lime back? Everybody knows I’m lime. Since Avo stole green. Avo: I didn’t steal anything! *changes colour to brown* Zloy: *changes colour to green* There we go. Thank you, Avo. Avo: You are welcome, sir. Zloy: See? This is how you make friends. This is how you establish connections. Joker: Zloy, we’re- We’ve always been friends, though.

...

Skizz: Okay, who was not doing tasks? We were down to one task for, like, a month. Joker: I want to say that I did all my tasks and that you should be proud of me. Skizz: Well, you WANNA say that but can you say it truthfully? Joker: I DID do all my tasks. Skizz: Well, atta boy. Joker: Are you proud? :D Skizz: I AM proud of you! :D

...

*body is reported* Avo: Who did it?! Skizz: You make one heck of a detective.

...

Skizz: I was 100% with Impulse, you’re absolutely right, but he cut into reactor and I went up towards upper engine. Avo: I did see Skizz in north engine. Joker: So you cut Impulse and then went up? Skizz: Okay! Well, you know what, don’t make me do it, Mister Joker! You’re adding all these extra words. Joker: Do what? You’re gonna kill me? Skizz: No, I- I could not be more- I’ve been playing with you a while. I have kind of a- It’s not fair, I- I’ve been playing with Joker for a while. This is how he talks when it’s him. Joker: What?! No it’s not! Skizz: And there goes the high pitched voice. Like a recipe. It’s like a RECIPE with you. Joker: You’re getting me confused with Impulse.

...

Chim: So we’re voting for Poptart? Wait- Poppy: No! I FOUND the body. Chim: Oh. But how do we know you didn’t CREATE the body?

...

Zloy: It’s like rock-paper-scissors. Skizzleman beats Joker, Impulse beats Skizzleman, Sausage beats… uh… what’s-his-face. Logic. Logic: What’s-his-face? What’s-his-face?!

...

Avo: There’s a green body! Mister Joker in electrical, just as I went into electrical to do my electrical tasks. Chim: That’s pretty sus. Skizz: That’s what he gets! Sausage: Self-report. Poppy: Self-report for sure. Avo: It is not a self-report. I can put my hand on my Avomancian heart and say it was not I. Skizz: Wooow, that was diggin’. Pearl: Very sus. Zloy: Yeah, I was about to advocate that there’s no reason to self-report on the first kill of the game but you changed my mind single-handedly. *votes* Skizz: Whoa, Zloy! We need a little bit more. Little bit more.

...

Avo: I’ve never been so hurt in all my life getting voted on that. Skizz: It was just Zloy.

...

Skizz: I don’t wanna wrong Avo again. Avo: I’d be very disappointed if you wronged me again, Skizz. Impulse: What if I wrong you? Cuz I saw you and Logic take off towards electrical together. Zloy and I were still chilling, dumping trash. Avo: I was dumping trash with you, Impulse! For goodness sake! Impulse: Yeah, then you and Logic ran off together and you killed him. Chim: Wait, what about trash? Impulse: Avo just called Logic trash because that’s who he killed. He was taking out the trash, you heard it.

...

Pearl: Make sure to vote, Chim. Chim: I did. I voted for “skip”. Whoever that guy is, he’s super sus all the time.

...

Zloy: So it was a double kill, which means that we’re operating with people who are really, really comfortable being around one another. Chim: Or there’s a sniper. Zloy: A WHAT? Chim: A sniper. You know… like, a long-barrelled gun that shoots bullets at a long distance. Zloy: We’re on a SPACESHIP! Chim: That’s a good point. I’m getting too immersed.

...

*Skizz and Pearl win as imposters* Zloy: Hey, remember when I said it’s competent people and my idea was that it was Skizz and Pearl because they were the only ones left who are competent? *everyone immediately protests*

...

Zloy: Double kill by electrical. SPARKS were flying. Joker: If I get imposter, I’m killing you first, Zloy.

...

Chim: I did a scan in medical. Impulse: Oh yeah? How much did you weigh? Chim: I don’t wanna talk about it. Impulse: What’s your blood type? Chim: What blood type is not sus?

...

Zloy: Chim walked right past a body. Chim: Oh I did? OH! That WAS a corpse, wasn’t it? I thought it was, like, a pet. Literally, no joke, I thought it was a pet. I didn’t even- Zloy: I’m completely certain that you are a crewmate and I still want to throw you out of an airlock right now.

...

Zloy: We had fun! Let’s go to medbay with everybody. It’ll be fun. You can watch your friends get undressed and scan themselves.

...

Skizz: Maybe when you undressed for your scan, Chim, Zloy saw something that you don’t want him to tell the world about. Chim: Well, I mean… ;)

...

Joker, getting voted out: Well, that’s rude.

...

Chim: You can’t spell Sausage without ‘sus’. Skizz: Are you saying Sausage is a… SAUSpect?

...

Skizz: I think he wanted a piece of the Skizz. He wanted a Skizz sandwich! Logic: Skizz, I would never do something like that to you! Never! Skizz: I was your first kill, homie.

...

Chim: I have a body to report! Zloy: Boy do you. Chim: What? Why would you say that, Zloy? Zloy: Nothing. Chim: You know about a body? Zloy: I’ve just been staring at your butt for most of this round. Chim: Yeah, why’ve you been following me? Zloy: I’ve been following you because I needed a buddy. *later* Pearl: So what we’re getting at is it’s either Zloy or Sausage? Chim: No, I don’t think it was Zloy cuz he was honestly on my booty the whole time. It was sus but wasn’t THAT sus.

...

*Avo kills Impulse and Skizz immediately walks in* Skizz, singing to the tune of Bad Romance: Whoaa whoaa whoaaaaa, your killer, he is Avomance. Pearl: What happened? Skizz: I walked into reactor as Avo is walking out and there’s bloody footprints as he’s walking away from the body. Zloy: I appreciate how extra you are.

...

Zloy: Look, you can always trust a man who is not afraid to sing Lady Gaga. That man has nothing to hide.

...

Joker: I found Poptart’s body in… Chim: In the cereal aisle? Joker: Yeah, in the cereal aisle. Haha. Um… Yeah, I found- Avo: THAT was sincere (/s)

...

Impulse: I do feel kinda bad sussing [Avo] last round too but- I mean, he KILLED me! So hey. Avo: You deserved it, Impulse.

...

Pearl: Could someone kill me? I haven’t been killed yet.

...

Chim: Where’s the body? Joker: It’s where you left it.

...

Joker: You were chasing me and then luckily, someone put up the doors and blocked you from getting to me. I also watched you stand on a vent, change your mind, and go the other direction. Chim: How do you know I changed my mind? You can’t see anything through my little spacesuit. And I was following you cuz you looked like a pro with your little party hat. I thought maybe you were going somewhere cool and I wanted to check out where you were going. Joker: You’re a horrible liar. I don’t even know you but you’re a bad liar.

...

Skizz: Lemme tell you something there, Pearly Pop. I know that you loved killing me; I know you did. So I want you to know HOW you killed me. See, what you did was- I was wiring the ship. ‘Kay? I was saving lives, I was busy saving lives. You punched me in the head and I turned around and looked at you and you shot me right in the face. That was the animation that showed. Pearl: That’s great :D I love it.

...

*vote ties between Chim and skipping* Skizz: Oh my gosh! Zloy: We were ALMOST free, everyone.

...

Skizz: I’m done. Is anyone else done? Joker: I finished my tasks again, Skizz. Are you proud? Skizz: I AM proud of you! Joker: Look at me doing tasks! Skizz: I’m impressed! Joker: Thanks, man :D

...

*Zloy’s body is reported* Avo: There’s a dead Russian outside navigation.

...

Zloy: The reason [Impulse and Pearl] are so good as imposters is specifically because they know when to shut up.

...

Avo: We don’t know that Pearl wasn’t a killer. Joker: Well, how do we know YOU’RE not a killer? Avo: You have my word as an English gentleman, obviously. Joker: You can’t fool me with your fancy accent.

#friday night stabby quotes #legacy smp #impulsesv #skizzleman #misterjoker #zloyxp #avomance #chimneyswift11 #poptartkatze #pearlescentmoon #logicalgeekboy #mythicalsausage

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rayveewrites · 3 years

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Ray Hijacks the Team ZIT Ghostbuster AU Again

So @shadeswift99 made a few posts a while ago about a Team ZIT(S) ghostbuster AU, And then I may or may not have hijacked the post to add in ideas for most of the other hermits because why not.

Now, back then I was spitballing ideas and making them up on the spot, which is admittedly my usual writing process, but hey.

That said, I've had more time to think about it, and then last night I blacked out for a few hours and came to with a Google Doc filled with short bios for all of the hermits and a handful of hermit-adjacents. Now, this rapidly turned into an urban fantasy AU in my hands, but hey. It's fun.

This is in alphabetical order, with alternate personas (EX, Helsknight, Beetlejhost) beneath their original counterparts when applicable:

Bdubs

Lives in an old mansion in the woods alongside Doc for reasons known only to them. Bdubs works as an interior designer, with a side gig as a freelance hairdresser. His eyes are unnaturally large, similar to Keralis’, and he is at least partially a plant. Completely feral and frequently gets in trouble for having knives on him at all times. He and Cleo have a thing called Knife Club which makes everyone else nervous. Nobody messes with Knife Club. It’s not worth it. Sunbathes frequently.

Beef

Is a perfectly normal human being. He works as a butcher with a side gig as a graphic designer specializing in album covers and spends his free time playing pokemon and dragging Etho along to social events. He was the first person to spot the cryptid, and the first person who Etho approached of his own accord.

Biffa

Is a ghost possessing a robotic shell. Biffa is from the future. While initially his main goal was to get back home to his own time, Biffa has since made friends and settled down into a new life running a cafe specializing in a wide range of teas. He’s quite content with this, and has actually found himself far happier than he was in his own time. While his nature means he can see, hear and touch ghosts, his body was built specifically for a disembodied soul to be in the driver’s seat, and he doesn’t want to risk another taking control. Also, he has more important things to do than have fistfights with ghosts.

Cleo

Is a ghost possessing her own dead corpse. Her nature allows her to see, hear and touch ghosts. Can and will fistfight spirits. She works as a teacher, so she’s usually busy, but occasionally in really nasty situations the Beetlejhost will drag her in to break a ghost’s legs. Does sculpture in her free time, and is actually really good. The only one who can wrangle Beetle to any real capacity, and she’s learned to keep him on a fairly short leash. Housemates with Joe, and Keralis also pops in pretty frequently. Has Knife Club with Bdubs. Has an enchanted flower crown that prevents her from decaying further; a gift from Beetle. Recently started learning magic in the form of necromancy and illusions. Has an ongoing ‘feud’ with Zloy, in which she temporarily traps his soul in random inanimate objects every now and then.

Cub

A bit of a ‘mad scientist’ archetype, Cub’s experiments are not exactly the most ethical, though they’re at least more professional than Doc’s. Responsible for the creation of Jevin. Cub gets possessed stupidly easily- sometimes willingly- and can usually handle it himself but sometimes has to call for help. Has a magical method of communication with Scar for exactly this reason. Has a day job as co-owner of a business called ConCorp, which he started with Scar. Has probably broken the Geneva Convention.

Doc

Was presumably human at one point. Now an abomination. Repeated experiments on himself have resulted in a massively changed facial and foot structure, a body covered in mottled green scales, claws, and goat horns. He lost half his face in one of his experiments, and constructed a new cybernetic one. He lost his right arm fighting God. Killed said god and would do it again. Lives in a mansion in the woods with Bdubs, though nobody’s really sure why. Owns a casino because of course he does. Also a living crime against fashion, because the man refuses to wear anything other than his tattered lab coat, torn jeans, and crocs.

Ely

Runs the local radio station. Nobody’s ever seen him in person, and nobody knows where he gets people’s voice clips for his remixes. Probably a cryptid. Maybe a ghost. Seems pretty chill, despite the blatant invasions of privacy.

Etho

Is a cryptid. Lives out in the woods in an abomination that can barely be called a house. Has never been seen in anything other than full Kakashi cosplay. Tends to keep to himself, but occasionally lets Beef drag him along to social events, often with Doc and Bdubs. Nobody really knows what his deal is. Probably not human. Probably.

False

Used to be part of an illegal underground cage fighting ring, until she earned enough to buy her way out. Having grown up in said ring, she struggles to adjust to normal life, but living in a town where the barista is a robot and the local tailor has wings makes it easier. She now has a job as security at Doc’s casino, alongside Iskall.

Grian

Is either an angel or a demigod, but nobody knows which. Has wings. Is both a tailor and an architect. A complete gremlin who has elaborate masks of various birds and will wear them to commit crimes. Eats seeds. Messes with everyone else’s plants. Lives in Jungle Wood Flats. Volunteers at the local theatre.

Hypno

Has three eyes, but hides the third one under a bandanna at all times. Can see ghosts with it. Had problems with sections of plumbing randomly getting clogged and also making very weird noises, and eventually called Team ZIT when the plumbers couldn’t find the source. Was prepared for ghosts, but wound up with a slime creature instead. Works in a $2 store for some reason.

Impulse

Is fully human. The most sensible member of Team ZIT (which admittedly isn’t saying much), Impulse has a day job as a freelancer building custom PCs and fixing broken tech. Agreed to the whole ghostbusting deal because he was bored, mostly. Was the first one to meet Skizz face-to-face, and is the one to own that particular place outright. Gets possessed every now and then, usually by larger spirits. Used to run solely on caffeine and chronic anxiety until Zedaph started getting on his case about his sleep schedule. Now he runs on less caffeine, more sleep, and the same amount of chronic anxiety.

Iskall

Was part of a cloning experiment to create the ultimate hitman, and was the only known one to both survive and escape before the whole thing was shut down by the authorities. Their eye and arm were replaced with cybernetics in order to increase their already enhanced abilities, and they were chased by said authorities, eventually winding up on Mumbo’s doorstep and becoming Mumbo’s problem. Now works as security at Doc’s casino, alongside False. Lives at Jungle Wood flats. Occasionally volunteers at the local theatre. Does bonsai as a hobby.

Jevin

Is the slime creature in the pipes. Hypno lets him live with him under the condition he stops blocking the plumbing and making weird noises at 3 AM (Jevin still blocks the plumbing and makes weird noises at 3 AM, just not as much as he was). Has taught himself to take a humanoid shape, and likes having fingers. Sleeps in the bathtub because he can. Was created from a vat of chemicals in a secret lab underneath the house, which used to be owned by Cub. Doesn’t really talk to the man in question that much, but will occasionally refer to Cub as his father for the sole reason of watching him go through eight existential crises in three minutes. Has a glock.

Joe

Head librarian at the local public library, and has read a lot of books on Supernatural Things. Is a veritable fountain of exposition if you can figure out what he’s saying or have Cleo along with you to threaten the integrity of his shins. Has never been seen in the same place as the Beetlejhost. Are they the same person? Are they entirely separate beings? Is there a Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde-type situation going on? Who knows!

Beetlejhost

Literally nobody really knows what his deal is. Nobody. Team ZIT ran into him on a call that they expected to be a false alarm and then he decided to follow them home. Spends most of his time being a minor nuisance in the most bizarre ways possible. Is implied to be responsible for the Ever Given getting lodged in the Suez Canal, but never confirmed. When he’s not bothering Team ZIT or getting them out of tight spots, he’s usually pestering Cleo, the only one who can keep him in line. It’s not really known if he and Cleo have a history or if they’re just Like That.

Keralis

Is a ghost haunting an architecture firm, and is mostly bound to the building, though he can travel to other buildings the firm has built, which is, uh, most of them. Initially only able to do small things- mostly writing notes or drawing diagrams- he eventually meets the Beetlejhost when the latter follows Mumbo to work one day for shits and giggles (he wanted to see how long he could mess with Mumbo before the man noticed. As it turned out, about a week, and by the end it was Iskall who noticed). After a couple of days in which Beetle teaches Keralis Ghost Things™, he scares half the office when he finally manifests for the first time. Has unnaturally large eyes and nicknames for most of the workers. Has no idea how he died or what his unfinished business might be. Very knowledgeable about architecture, and his input is usually very much appreciated.

Mumbo

Is a perfectly normal human being who does IT at Keralis’ architecture firm. Lives at Jungle Wood flats and spends most of his free time tinkering with tech and trying to keep Grian and Iskall out of trouble, which is a losing battle. Has a large, beating golden heart in his flat. He’s not really sure what its deal is, but if he feeds it apples it produces enough power for the entire building. Oh, and if he forgets to feed it for an extended period of time it starts draining his bank account. It’s really weird.

Pixlriffs

Was a perfectly normal human being until he died protecting a certain Russian zombie and became a perfectly normal ghost. Was a reporter in life and is a reporter in death. Runs a blog alongside Zloy about the local goings-on, supernatural or not. The blog’s the type where unless you live in/near the town you most likely won’t stumble across it, but they do have a small following of outsiders who assume the blog’s just a work of fiction. His unfinished business is to prevent Zloy from doing anything particularly stupid, a constant battle. Is able to go more places than Zloy due to being incorporeal, but respects people’s privacy. He’s bound to Zloy to a certain degree, not being able to go beyond a certain range of his friend. The range is pretty big, though, and he has plenty freedom of movement.

Python

Had a run-in with the fae as a kid, in which he accidentally pissed one off. In retribution, the faerie challenged him to answer a riddle or he’d be turned into a snake. Python’s answer was partially correct, so the faerie only transformed him partially. Python is fairly chill, though he strongly dislikes the cold and starts hissing if anyone disturbs him during Sun Time™. Sometimes Bdubs, being partially flora, joins Python for Sun Time™. He’s not venomous, because, you know...python. Also, he has a mildly disturbing habit of strangling rats and mice and then eating them whole, but he can’t help it and just tries not to do so when he has company.

Ren

Is a werewolf. He’s pretty chill regardless of form, though it’s only been recently he’s been comfortable enough leaving his ears and tail visible. He works as a lumberjack. One time Pixl introduced him to Monty Python’s Lumberjack Song and it quickly became his favourite thing. He spends most of his free time volunteering at the local theatre because Ren is absolutely a theatre kid and nobody can convince me otherwise. Gets possessed every now and then. Lives in Jungle Wood flats.

Scar

Works as a landscape developer. Gets possessed absurdly easily, though not quite as frequently as Cub. Has a magical method of communication with him. Technically co-owns ConCorp, but isn’t as involved. His cat, Jellie, is very obviously an eldritch abomination in feline form and he is comedically unaware of this. Lives in Jungle Wood Flats with Grian, Iskall, Mumbo, Stress, and Ren.

Skizz

Is the ghost haunting Team ZIT’s office. He was murdered by someone he’d thought was a friend who was trying to use his place to hide from the cops, and he’s stuck around, haunting the building. His unfinished business is to make sure nobody else uses the building for anyone shady, but the ghost rumours tended to chase most people off. Eventually he gets used to having Team ZIT around, and when Tango admits he doesn’t really have anywhere to go one day, Skizz eventually makes the decision to finally unlock the still-furnished upper floor for him. He’s bound to the building, but Impulse learns that carrying Skizz’s old vest with them allows him to leave. After that, Skizz sometimes accompanies them on missions and occasionally just hanging out. He’s usually more helpful than the Beetlejhost is.

Stress

Is a witch. Stress lives in Jungle Wood Flats and works as a doctor who specializes in supernaturally caused injuries- Team ZIT are some of her best customers. She also sells magic potions of various kinds, and has a side gig as a florist. She’s 90% of the Jungle inhabitants’ impulse control. Also has cryokinesis.

Tango

The Team ZIT member with a car. He gets possessed with frankly ridiculous frequency, but claims not to believe in ghosts for a long time (and keeps up the bit for even longer). Has developed various signals to indicate when he’s being possessed again. The strongest one, a rather nasty demon Cleo and the Beetlejhost had to team up on, left him with his glowing red eyes. He didn’t really have anywhere to go before Impulse bought the office, and tended to sleep on the couch or in his car until Skizz decided to let him into the upper floor, where he now lives alongside Zedaph and Impulse.

TFC

A now-retired ghostbuster, TFC calls in Team ZIT one night when he finds himself in over his head against a ghost with a grudge. He winds up becoming a bit of a mentor figure to the trio, usually coaching them over the phone if they’re not sure how to deal with one of the stranger spirits. Lost his leg years ago in a fight with a poltergeist that could have gone better, and now has a robotic prosthetic made by Doc.

Wels

While Team ZIT was out investigating some rumour or another in the woods, they came across a large stone box. Following video game logic, I guess, they then decided opening this large stone box sounded like a fun idea. Well, Tango and Zedaph did. Impulse was a bit more hesitant. The box actually held a medieval knight who’d been put in an enchanted sleep for centuries by his demonic doppelgänger, and was very much not prepared for modern life. Team ZIT took him to Xisuma, who happened to live closest, and Wels is currently helping out on the farm and trying to adjust to life in the 21st century. He can understand and speak modern English just fine because magic. Volunteers at the local theatre quite a lot.

Hels

Is Wels’ doppelgänger. Technically a minor demon. Won a fight with Wels and sealed him away for centuries as a result. A recurring problem. His real motivation is that he really desperately doesn’t want to go back to Hell, but he’s too proud to admit it. Lives in the woods with EX, who’s basically his only friend, though the weirdo with the brown cardigan keeps pestering him about his backstory and feelings for some reason. Has minor pyrokinesis.

Like Biffa, XB is also a ghost from the future, though it seems to be a different timeline than Biffa’s. His unfinished business is preventing the apocalypse, but he has no idea how to do that, no idea if he’s in the right timeline, and is pretty sure he’s gone back a lot farther than he probably should’ve. Also, there’s the whole paradox issue, where if he prevents the apocalypse he never has a reason to go back and prevent the apocalypse, so he doesn’t prevent the apocalypse, so he has to go back and- he tries not to think about it too much. He mostly just hangs out in an abandoned house on the edge of town and vibes.

Xisuma

Is a beekeeper. Nobody’s ever seen his face; when he’s not in his beekeeping outfit, he’s either wearing a helmet, or (more recently) an extremely lifelike and detailed animal mask (is it a mask?). Actually a shapeshifting alien, he crashed down to Earth after a scuffle with his evil clone and was stranded because Earth doesn’t have the right tools or resources to repair a spaceship. These days he’s actually found he’s happier tending to his bees, selling honey, and helping his friends out, and probably wouldn’t leave Earth even if he could. It’s a simpler life, but a pleasant one. He bonds with Biffa over a shared love of tea and being stranded in a technologically inferior world and finding a home.

Evil Xisuma

Is Xisuma’s clone. Feels that if everyone’s going to call him ‘Evil’ he may as well own it. Shot his original’s spaceship down in a scuffle but wound up being brought down with him. Currently hides in the woods. Generally more of a minor nuisance than an actual danger. Used to spend his free time bothering X but has gotten put off by Wels, who has a problem when it comes to evil clones. His friends consist of Hels, who is a terrible role model, and Zedaph, who’s trying to help him work through his problems behind everyone’s backs. Can summon lightning because he deserves it.

Zedaph

Is the reason Team ZIT is ghostbusting in the first place. He’s a sheep shearer by trade, but that’s a fairly seasonal thing and ghostbusting is more fun anyway. Has somehow never been possessed, and claims it’s because he’s always standing next to Tango. He makes sure the other two gets enough sleep Because we all know they can’t be trusted to do it. Probably has some sort of really bizarre and situational magical powers he is thoroughly unaware of. Qualified to be a licensed therapist. Made friends with Evil X at one point, somehow.

Zloy

Like Cleo, he’s a ghost possessing a corpse. Unlike Cleo, there’s a good chance it’s not his corpse. Eh, it’s not like anyone else was using it. Runs a blog with Pixl, because why not. Was already a zombie when he met Pixl, who was still alive at the time. His body is a bit more decayed than Cleo’s, but it’s fine. His goggles are enchanted with the same preservation spell; it’s not really ever explained where he got them from. Has no regard for privacy but is fortunately unable to turn invisible or phase through walls due to inhabiting a physical body. Both can theoretically physically fight ghosts and has enough time to physically fight ghosts, meaning he would be a valuable ally if he could be bothered. Lives in a graveyard. Has an ongoing ‘feud’ with Cleo, in which he puts jabs at her on the blog. Once spent a week as a (very sarcastic) floating potato.

Hermiton

Is the name of the place they all live in/near. Located in an ambiguous location in an ambiguous country, Hermiton is technically large enough to be considered a city but has Town VibesTM. Supernatural going-ons are a fairly normal part of life, and a good number of inhabitants aren’t humans. Despite this, the wider world seems mostly ignorant of the existence of ghosts, magic, etc. I’m not too sure about geography, but it’s surrounded by forest in most directions and in a warm enough climate to not have snow in the winter (so Python doesn’t, you know, freeze to death). Most people don’t tend to bat an eyelid at strange-looking people walking down the street or serving them at the store; they’re used to it by now. There are several theories as to why Hermiton specifically has so much going on when it comes to the supernatural- ley lines, secretly the resting place of some long-forgotten god, et cetera- but it’s actually more of a case of ‘people who have supernatural traits hear rumours of a place where a lot of people have supernatural traits and go there in search of answers/a place to belong’. This doesn’t exactly explain where all the ghosts came from, but hey. Nothing’s perfect.

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hermitcraftheadcanons · 4 years

Text

Apartment AU Masterpost:

-Everyone lives in an apartment complex.

-Xisuma as landlord? Or just a really well looked up to person in the complex. Whichever works for you!

-Pranks all the time. Everyone's constantly pranking each other.

-Everyone has 'normal people jobs.' Perhaps Joe is an English teacher? (Cleo's also a teacher. (Irl.) Omg, what if they teach at the same school?) Maybe Bdubs is a professional interior designer? Maybe Cub builds computers? Go nuts, get creative.

-Actually, screw it. Bdubs works at IKEA.

-Everyone meets up every Friday night to go to the pub or go bowling or just do something together.

-They have a discord server because of course they do.

-European Hermits are early-birds, American hermits are night-owls. (This is the only way I can think to portray timezones and waking hours when everyone's living in the same building.)

-They all still love minecraft, don't worry.

-Keralis has so many books his flat is basically a library. He lets people come in and borrow books for a small fee.

-Tinfoilchef is a bit of a shut in but everyone makes an effort to include him.

-Etho would also be a cryptid like Xisuma. Like, we've seen Xisuma's whole body other than his face but the best we know about Etho is that: 1. He exists and 2. From the, like, one single real life photo he's shared, he broke a headset. Also, 3. Allegedly, he's buff. Otherwise; Beef and Etho invite Pause (who lives elsewhere,) over at random intervals to [play ctm maps] and do god knows what. Bdoubs works at IKEA but is the person to make the room displays, y'know.

-Scar sells dice and other tabletop rpg supplies that he designs. His shop is magiccrystals. com

-Cub and Scar made business with the guy who runs the fight club. They get half of the profits and everyone’s always wondering how those two can always afford the most expensive Christmas gifts for everyone.

-Mumbo could be an engineer or work on a STEM field, and he works on some really important and impressive projects and that would explain his polish person, Exept, when it comes to helping another hermit to change a lightbulb or fix a microwave he is an absolute disaster.

-Grian owns a parrot that knows everyones' names and faces and greets them when they come in.

-Scar's apartment has a balcony filled with plants and he has to bring them inside for the winter. (I'm assuming that all 4 seasons happen) Even without the balcony plants, his place is still full of indoor plants including his favorite venus flytrap. There is always a plant knocked over from Jellie's shenanigans. Jellie is supposed to stay in his apartment, however she keeps on getting out somehow, even getting to Xisuma's apartment occasionally.

-There's a grassy patch out back that acts as a backyard, but Stress has effectively taken it over. Perfect for flowers of all colors in the spring and summer, and during the winter you KNOW she’s building an ice castle from which to throw snowball at all her friends.

-Beef and, when he’s visiting, Pause get a lot of questions about Etho (since unlike X who gets one tightlipped visitor in shape of his brother Etho gets two that are willing to be vague) however they charge a fee for people to guess. They’d never actually sell him out but the guesses are always something technical related so there’s not much of a risk, he actually works as a botanist/gardener.

-Iskall is extremely good at ice hockey and, as resident Canadians, Etho and Beef have played with him. However Iskall only knows that he’s played with Beef because both beef and etho refuse to tell him who in the rink was Etho when they played.

-The only person who’s seen Xisuma's face is Keralis.

-Nobody knows what Grian does for a job. Like, when they think they've figured it out what he does, they're thrown through a loop again because he does a lot of odd jobs. Need help with a pet? Grian can help! Rip on your clothes? Don't worry, Grian knows how to fix it! Ect.

-Grian's an assassin. Iskall will make assassin jokes and Grian, without looking up from his coffee will go: "that's not how that works!" And then go back to being quiet. Everyone's like ????

-I love the idea of Grian knowing all these cool facts and when anyone acts he says 'it's because of his job,' and they still can't figure out what he does. He keeps correcting Iskall on assassin facts but they're all just like 'oh Grian sure must love those types of movies, huh.'

-Cleo teaches Joe's kid. (That means she teaches either year 2 or year 3? // 1st grade or 2nd grade?)

-Grian's family is in the mafia but he mostly just vibes. Sure, he works with the mafia, but he keeps his regular life away from work and none of the hermits (besides False because she saved the Mafia boss) know. Imagine boss looking at False and going, 'oh hey, you're already protected.' False is confused and says 'what?' But the Mafia Boss has already left.

-Etho is always in full kakashi cosplay.

-Honorary hermits apartment au: zloy and pixl have a radio show but also act as private investigators. Falsie hires them to investigate how she got the protection of the mafia. On their investigation they start asking Elybeat (that lives on a building right next to the hermits) about weird behaviors that he might have seen. Ely just goes ‘all of what they do is weird. I’ve recorded weird stuff they say and remixed it. They though it was funny and put the remixes as their elevator music.'

-Everyone thinks Etho is an assassin, but really, he's a horticulturist/botanist. He doesn't bother to correct them cause it means he doesn't get pranked, (or, as often.) Maybe someone finds out eventually? I don't know who. Maybe Doc and they keep it hush hush cause they think it's funny or something. || Maybe Bdubs finds out, (because I think he's seen Naruto?? Swear I saw a Twitter post where he recognized a Naruto joke) and he's the only one that recognizes that Etho's dressed like Kakashi and NOT an assassin. (That's lowkey a joke though.)

-Someone warns Grian against parking euro because they think Etho's an assassin and Grian just kinda goes: "alright then." Knowing that there's no way Etho is an assassin, but also realising how the hermits view that profession, he most likely starts feeling kinda bad.

-Beef used to be a car photographer and Mumbo takes photographs as a sideline when he was in college. They would occasionally chat about their past experience in the photography field and sometimes gush about cars.

-Hermit Challenges was actually a truth or dare game among the hermits. Mumbo was basically delirious from lack of sleep to explain his absolute gremlin energy. Mumbo dares Grian to steal front doors before passing out and everyone decided that was the end of that game. No one thought Grian would do the dare. A week later, everyone but Etho and Xisuma were missing their front doors (including Grian.) He stuck them in his bathroom so no one immediately saw the doors.

-As already established, Joe constantly hangs at Keralis's library. Let's say he also has a hobby for writing, and one time he was asking to himself how *insert really specific murder scene* would work in real life. Grian or Doc then overheard him and answers him in a also very specific way, he thanks them with 0 concerns and continues with his writing.

-Etho has been an assassin but it was many years ago, and retired to care for plants. (As you do.) He got hired by The Goatfather but intentionally botched the killings because, 'hey now those two are friends >:(' He and Bdubs still have the endrod game but it involves the whole apartment building and several discord messages going "located" or "flashlight on the move.'

-Stress paints all the hermit's door and puts their names on them. (-🌿)

-The organisization Grian works for is called "The Watchers!" They text him in riddles of what his missions are. This is so that if anyone peaks at his phone, they don't understand immediately!

-What if in YHS happen because of grian family and Sam is from an other family who does not support the grain family. So grian will not bring up high school and school and when joe and Cleo talk about there student grian sometimes cringes remember what happened in high school. (-🌿)

-Grian and Mumbo's hobbits holes were two cupboards they found on their respective apartments and decided to make a room out of them and named them their hobbit holes after they found out they both had them (-🐿️)

-What if it's a really old apartment and the 'hobbit holes' actually connect to each others apartment. (-🐺)

-Mumbo has these periods when he overworks like crazy and when they're over - he sleeps for like 24-36 hours straight. Everybody knows about this and help him if he falls asleep in random plaxes around the apartment. Mumbo once fell asleep right before his door and Grian tried to help him get inside while mumbling. Guess which remix were aded to the elevator music next week.

-Whenever anyone is annoyed or upset, grian sometimes pops his head up from his book and goes "who do I need to kill?" No one takes him seriously though he *would* kill for any of his friends.

-People who have left the server work nearby but have moved to new apartments. (For example, Welsknight works at a nearby food truck) (-☘️)

-With the Grian being a spy you get several oints where he thinks he's been found out but no one puts the and two together. They're all like: "Grian just likes action movies I guess."

-Scar's "wizard robe" is a bathrobe he owns. One day he forgets to change and just walks out in a bathrobe and no pants.

-Since Cleo teaches Joe's kid, maybe that extends to all the hermits' kids? Like the ones that have them, like not at the same time but at some point you know?

-I don't think I saw any regarding headgames, but I could've missed it. Anyways, what if Cleo wanted to make a big Scrapbook in her free time of all her friends, so she asks everybody to try and get pictures. So the PVP heads are candid photos, and the tradeable one are like selfies or group pictures. The other heads could just be a requirement for the picture like have a sheep in the picture. And maybe she gives the winners dinner payed by her or something.

-On the head cannon that hermits that aren’t on the server work nearby, Biffa is the actual mayor.

-Are mobs (and half mobs by extension) still a thing in apartment au? Cause if not I propose that Jevin just has cloob blue dyed hair and a bunch of blue tattoos.

-XB bakes a lot and always shares the food he makes with the others. They adore his cookies. Scar really wants to make some cookies in the shapes of disney characters with him, but he's too shy to ask. (-nameless anon)

-Perhaps Mumbo and Iskall are also protected by the mafia because of grian (perhaps scar is too) They and False have a 'we are protected and have no idea why' group (-Frost Anon)

-Imagine the hermits want to throw a nice party but X and Etho were kinda like “yeah no i’ll pass” so they make it a masquerade so that they can come- and then the whole night no one knows who anyone really is, but still has a really good time.

-Grian wanted a pet parrot, but felt like he would be terrible at taking care of one so he has toy parrots instead, those that have pre made phrases and such, and he is proud of his toy parrot pets. (-🐿️)

-Xisuma hosts a podcast! That's where all of his Xisuma speaks content ends up coming from. (-🇵🇭)

-Etho has a secret food blog called "Cooking With Etho" (based on the actual cooking with Etho segment in usually his modded stuff.) He also knows that there's hermits that either: have no idea how to cook properly or can't cook real meals due to their work. To help with this, sometimes he leaves finished meals or recipes with them (outside their doors or somehow in their fridge) and no one knows who does it prompting the theory of a self care ghost haunting the building.

(All of those in red were from Anons!)

-Joe works as a LAMP Developer.

-False has an assortment of swords, knives, etc. She even had a bow! She also has a dummy to practice fighting on.

(-@unpredictable-pancake.)

-Stress is a wedding designer. (-@the-angry-numel.)

-Iskall also works at IKEA with Bdubs. (-@mandatedempathy.)

-There's a local club that's basically fight club a few people are in. False, Iskall and a couple others are in.

-Hypno is kind of a bit of a loner. Everyone on the floor considers him a friend but he doesn't really have a best friend. He just does his own thing and people usually let him do that. He's fine with it.

-XB and Joe spend a lot of time at Keralis' library house just reading the books. Keralis usually charges every except those two because 1. They're there so often and 2. They're basically his room mates at this point. (-@tomcatacaphe.)

-Ren works at a bar as a bartender or musician. (-@friendlyneighbourhoodpieceoftrash.)

-Building on the last thing with Ren as a musician or working at a bar, he works at a bar as a server but does live music on weekends. It's the bar/pub/restaurant that the hermits sometimes hang out at together.

-I can see Grian working at a pet shop but also on the side of the mafia because of YHS. Or at least he used to be involved with the mafia.

-Beef once had to cart Etho off to the hospital for a chemical burn and explain to the other tenants that the explosion heard suspiciously close by wasn’t mafia activity. Etho is just an idiot with a hobby of making homemade fireworks.

-(-@limelocked.)

-False is the chief of police for the town they live in. Iskall is a hired assassin who normally gets employed by the mysterious figure GOATfather. Doc is the GOATfather, head of the mafia. Falsie is trying to hunt down these two as well as any others associated with them. The nHo is part of the mafia. Falsie has no idea any of them are in the mafia and they refuse to kill her because she has become such a close friend to them.

-Maybe Grian is a spy instead of an assassin? The group the Watchers is a government policing organization bent on trying to crack down on mob activity in the area.

(-@creator0fchaos.)

-The elevator music is hermitgang and remixes. -(@lookitsspacekween.)

-Zedaph is a game show host. Tango makes cartoons. (-@aphion-and-on.)

-Come on, let Iskall play ice hockey! Maybe not professionally if it doesn't work for the AU but he's v good at least. (-@automnalsaffron.)

-Grian maybe works at an animal shelter or an animal rehabilitation center. So everyone who has a pet usually comes to him for help if their pet is sick or injured. (-@vahco.)

-Grian has a safe full of guns, all the Hermits know about it but think they're fake. (-@xxpzmistxx)

-X never comes out of his room so no one’s seen his face. The only way he communicates is via text, Discord, and an intercom right by his door. He almost always gets groceries whenever the hermits are busy and therefore have no time to go out- but the hermits know he’s a real person because sometimes they hear guitar solos coming from his room.

-Hypno is a voice actor!

-Joe and Cleo often go home at the same time, and all the way it's almost always Cleo complaining about her students being bratty and the likes (Bonus points if Joe carpools with Cleo, who owns a car.)

-False unknowingly helps the boss of the mafia after seeing him wounded on a street one day, earning her their protection.

-As a callback to Season 6, Stress became a cat lady for a bit while False became a dog lady. As an added bonus: Cleo became nuts when Cub decided to gift her with spiders for her birthday or some other event.

-Mumbo still sidelines as a cameraman/film director for short documentaries and comedy sketches where he often invites Zed and his buddy Jack to act maybe?

-The first time X was proven to be an actual person was when the girls temporarily kicked the boys out to have the apartment all to themselves for a girls’ night which prompted the boys to have their own boys’ night. X was wearing his grey helmet that night so his face was still obscured tho, and from that day forward they always had a weekly girls’ night and boys’ night alternating on which group gets to have the apartment to themselves.

-False may seem like she can take a shot or two, but in reality she’s very lightweight and easily drunk, and is always the first one wasted. She becomes a flirty drunk who flirts with everyone and everything when she’s tipsy, an angry drunk the more she drinks and eventually a sad drunk before passing out. Cleo and Stress, her drinking buddies, always find amusement in this.

-As a callback to Xb living a thousand blocks away from society in s7, maybe he lives at the highest floor where not many (if not no one) occupies?

(-@heyitsroby.)

-Civil War started because they used to get groceries delivered to their doors and Grian started stealing them when they were left in the doorstep. Everyone stole each others groceries until one day they went into teamss of one side vs the other side of the corridor to the other until Grian stole so many groceries Dic was like 'Dammit!' He started going to the store to get groceries instead of getting them delivered to his door after that. (-@sayeshaa1108.)

-Regarding apartment au: Zedaph is similar to miu iruma from danganronpa: making the weirdest inventions and coaxing the other hermits into doing weird things for science. (-@oh-hecc-im-stupid.)

-Idk if Doc has a profession yet in the apartment au, but it just struck me- what if he owned a private casino?? Cause of s7? Just a thought! (-@853dragons.)

-Cleo really enjoys doing miniature diorama scenes. Like the tiny dudes from "Night at The Museum". She's like crazy good at it, and Joe will sometimes base his poems and stories off of her dioramas. Also maybe Joe has published a book of poems and short stories? (-@lynxes15.)

-Doc works as a social engineer and part time mafia boss. He rarely shows up for game nights. However, when he does, nobody else stands a chance.

-Tango, Impulse and Zedaph go over to each other's rooms so often they practically live together in an apartment room 3X bigger than everyone else.

(-@trashedeggnog.)

LINK TO NEXT POST: https://hermitcraftheadcanons.tumblr.com/post/617640752709861376/apartmentau-masterpost-2-link-to-previous-the

Posts with TW:

Guns, Gangs, Getting Shot. Don't read if you can't handle this topics.

-Everyone finds out Grian is an assassin/mafia boss because someone from a different gang (*cough cough* sam gladiator *cough cough*) found out where he lives and tried to murder him. Queue epic gun fight scene. If you want some angst, Grian gets shot a couple of times in the fight but didn’t realize it because of the adrenaline and passes out. (-Anon.)

-Imagine someone like, finding Grian's guns and weapons and just being :0 and Grian is a little nervous. But then the other hermit just think the guns are cool (it's probably either etho or doc) and they're just gushing over how cool the guns are. Grian is relieved. (-Anon.)

-iJevin owns at least one gun. He's not in the mafia or a cop or anything, it's just cool and legal so he as one. He's the constant counter for the other gun owning hermits who have them for more mafia related purposes (context: jevin owns at least one gun irl) (-Anon.)

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hermits-that-craft · 4 years

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Extraterrestrial Kidnappings

This Au was made by the marvellous @martuzzio, go check out her Space Outlaws AU for more context!

TW - Kidnapping, brief references to torture

He didn’t know how it happened.

The mission was going so smoothly before they got separated. Cub and Scar didn't think that it would happen, Xisuma had promised them that they would never be hurt by the Convex again. The Convex weren't even supposed to be there, it was just a quick mission - nothing was out of place. There wasn't even supposed to be any fighting, thats why they let Scar come after all!

In the end, the hermits did get the information they were after, but Cub can't help but think that it was a bad trade. Is the information really worth giving him and Scar to the Convex?

Not that the hermits knew that Cub and Scar were going to end up with the Convex again. No, the hermits didn't know, couldn't have known. Cub wraps his arms around his legs, watching the door and blocking out the screams. It comes second nature now, blocking the screams out. Of course, the worst ones will always be the closest ones, but even still he can block them out. He only recognises on voice in the midst of it.

Scar's.

Even so, Cub blocks out Scar's screams. He has to, he knows that he has to, lest he loses himself to them. Still, it takes all of his strength not to rush out, to get Scar. He wouldn't make it to the door, not with the guards that stand by the door, watching his every move.

The door opens, and a grunt drags Scar into the room, dropping him off besides Cub. The two guards leave with the grunt and Cub shivers, pulling himself closer to Scar. Scar smiles, all cracked lips and black eyes. A small bruise is blooming on his cheek, but Cub smiles back. At least they have each other, again,

---

"How do we get them back? We don't even know what ship they're on." TFC says, worry crossing his face. He stands outside the medical bay with Xisuma, watching through the plexiglass as Stress patches up Iskall's arm, bandaging the shoulder. Tango sits in the room as well, a bandage on his leg. Xisuma sighs, looking up to TFC.

"I don't know, but we're going to find them." Xisuma swears. "We've had worse odds, we can find them."

"We had Scar then as well." False points out, walking into the corridor with Joe and Cleo.

"We're putting trackers in everyone once this is over." Cleo mumbles, and Joe snorts a little laugh. Ren, Keralis, Bdubs and Zedaph round the corner, talking to themselves quietly.

"Is this the 'Get Cub and Scar back' meeting?" Ren asks, a hopeful smile on his face. "Or should we call off the message that I've already sent?"

"This is the 'Get The Boys Back' meeting." Cleo says, and TFC laughs, Xisuma's face filling with horror.

"TFC please-"

"Yeah the boys."

"Why? Why do you have to bring the dead memes back TFC it's been centuries." Xisuma sighs.

Soon, the corridor is flooded with hermits, even Zloy and Pixl have made their way from one of the libraries to show up, books loaded in their arms. Stress, Iskall and Tango walk out of the medical bay, determination on their faces. Xisuma scans the room, looking at the faces filled with determination and fury at the loss of two of their own, and he smiles, his resolve hardening.

"Lets get them back." Xisuma says, making eye contact with Pixl. "What can you tell us about the Convex’s routes?"

---

Scar sits on the side of the lab. He's not really sitting, as he's chained to the wall, but it's better than standing chained to the wall, or kneeling. He watches in silence as Cub flits around the lab, occasionally grabbing something from the wall or a different bench. He's not entirely sure what Cub's building, neither of them are allowed to speak to the other, but he watches Cub anyways, trying to understand what's going on around him. The guard by his side leans against the wall, his hand resting on the gun attached to his hip, a clear threat not meant for him, but for Cub, who steals glances towards them occasionally. None of the guards, not the ones that stand by the door, nor the one that stands besides Scar, notice them, but Scar does, sending Cub small smiles. The smiles are supposed to reassure Cub, but they don't appear to be doing that. It's not really his fault, the bruises on his face sting and the cuts on his stomach and back have probably bled through the bandages.

He hopes that they won't be given new convex suits. He doesn't want them.

A guard walks over to Cub, taking whatever Cub's made from him before he walks out of the room, and Scar sends Cub a confused look. Cub doesn't see it, but Scar can imagine the shrug that Cub would send his way if he did see it. It's not their place to ask questions, not here, but Scar still has them. God, he hopes that Cub didn't make a weapon, not that he would have a choice in it.

At least they worked out that it wasn't Convex who had attacked them. Mercenaries had separated them from the hermits, going after their rewards. They mercenaries had even said that Cub and Scar should be happy that they were 'freeing them from the hermits', falling for the lies that the Convex had spread. Still, they are with the Convex now. Scar misses the hermits, but he can't think of that now. The hermits are in his past, thinking about them will only bring pain.

---

"So, with a large and happy heart, I am glad to inform everyone that these mercenaries have freed GoodtimeswithScar and Cubfan from the Hermits!" The convex spokeswoman smiles over the screen and Xisuma's face darkens, glaring at the screen. Mumbo frowns at the images that they display of Scar and Cub, bruises litter Scar's face and Cub looks tired, a red burn on his left cheek that definitely wasn't there the last time he was with the hermits. "They have clearly been hurt by the hermits, and we believe that they have been manipulated by the hermits and fallen for their propaganda, but soon they will be able to relax. We would like to thank everyone-"

"Turn it off, Mumbo." Xisuma says flatly.

"But X-" Mumbo protests.

"Turn it off. Call Evil Xisuma."

Mumbo nods mutely, turning the broadcast off. Iskall glares at where the woman once was, and Tango's fire grows a bit before calming itself down. Mumbo adjust the dials on the large board, humming nervously to himself as he send off a call to Evil Xisuma.

"Hello hermits, what do you-"

"Scar and Cub have been captured by the Convex."

"We saw." Evil Xisuma nods to group, and Mumbo notices the fury in Badtimes' eyes, Hels patting his back comfortingly. "I assume the burn and the bruises aren't from you guys?"

"Of course not, why would you-"

"We'll help." Evil Xisuma smiles. "No charge, where do you want to meet?"

"Zloy and Pixl say that they're most likely at-"

---

Cub and Scar sit in the cell together, finally left alone. An explosion had sent the guards away from them, and though they know that they shouldn’t get their hopes up Cub can’t help but to hope that it’s the hermits

They sit up straighter as footsteps race across the hall. At least three people are running through the cells, stopping and opening doors as they go. Gunfire can be heard, though it’s too far away for it to be dangerous for the people in the hall. Someone makes their way to his door and Scar freezes, looking at the shadow underneath the door.

Cub and Scar watch as the door opens and Wels stands in front of them, his helmet on. They can’t contain their glee, and neither can Wels. It’s too good to be true, the hermits came for them, they aren’t going to be stuck with the Convex and-

“They’re here!” Wels yells, and suddenly there’s more people poking their head through the doors. Ren, Keralis and Badtimes all appear in the doorway and Cub stands, trying to get as close to them as he can before the chains stop him. Wels nods at him, walking to them and shooting the chains off at the wall.

“We’ll pick the lock on the Craft, okay?” Ren says and Scar nods, pulling Ren into a hug.

“Thank you for coming.” Scar mumbles.

“Lets’s blow this joint.” Badtimes’ voice barely contains his glee as he shows them the bomb in his hands.

---

Xisuma stands outside the medical bay as Stress flits around Cub and Scar. Cub’s burn is under layers of creams and bandages, but he refuses to leave Scar’s side as Stress patches him up. Small, fresh cuts wrap around the lucky hermit and Stress individually addresses each of them. Scar winces occasionally, talking with Stress and Cub.

“So this isn’t going to happen again, right? Because I can’t risk my men every time mercenaries mix your team up.” Evil Xisuma teases, his voice light and joking.

“Oh, next time this happens we’ll make sure to plan it better.” Xisuma rolls his eyes. “And we’ll notify you beforehand.”

“I wonder how the Convex are going to play this off.” Pixl says, a smile on his face as he looks up from the conversation he was having with TFC. “I mean, it would be weird for you guys to ‘kidnap’ Scar and Cub again.”

“Maybe they’ll accuse Evil X of kidnapping them.” Zloy smirks. “That would make sense, right? He was there with his crew as well.”

“Or maybe Scar and Cub were killed in the fray and now people are stealing their identity.” Grian smirks. “Badtimes did have fun with those bombs after all.”

“Oh shut up.”

Xisuma laughs, relaxed and comfortable. Everyone is back where they're supposed to be, and they’ll deal with the Convex when they need to.

#space outlaws #hermitcraft #goodtimeswithscar #cubfan135 #xisumavoid #tinfoilchef #falsesymmetry #zombiecleo #joehills #zloyxp #pixlriffs #iskall85 #tangotek #stressmonster101 #evil xisuma #grian #welsknight #rendog #mumbo jumbo

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silverderp098 · 5 years

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Hermitober Day 8

Cowboy Zloy!

It barely looks like him ik shut up

@hermit-ober

#zloyxp #Zloy #hermitober #hermitcraft #Tempted to tag him but not gonna

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yandere-highschool · 5 years

Note

as far as i know you're one of the few blogs who aren't a part of the "headcanons and aus are horrible and shippers should go to hell" gang and i thank you for that

Honestly at first I made this blog because haha kinda canon url why the fuck not relive an old fandom for a few days, but soon after I discovered two things, one this fandom is really fun and creative with lots of interesting ideas and concepts, and two, there is a severe problem of people being intimidated and threatened by those ideas and concepts because the fandom as a whole, is militant and toxic, and I didn’t want to just, give up this blog anymore like I had planned, it’s comfy here and someone needs to be a blog for people like you who want to create, who want stories, but are being denied.

Honestly the entire fact this is a thing is just, so new, I cannot be vocal enough that this behavior is not the norm and its NEW, I’ve been in lots of fandoms, team crafted, the pack, yogscast, aphmau, achievement hunter, cupquake, etc, and this has never been a thing to police, it just has never even crossed anyones mind to not do these things. None of these policers would survive in those fandoms.

For instance one my current big fandoms is The Yogscast, and do you know what it’s like being in that fandom? It’s the exact opposite of this one! People ship freely and its expected! People write aus, headcanons, stories, we talk about stories, we talk about lore, we talk about the characters, we take these characters, honeydew the dwarf, xephos the spaceman, lalna the mad scientist, and we breathe life into them, we give them stories, backgrounds, identities! It’s free game for basically everything! And you know what? the people in the yogscast don’t give a shit beyond maybe making shipping jokes or poking a bit of fun! Hell I’m literally in a discord chat with an ex member and am actively encouraged to write fic and create with there minecraft persona! Creating fic and making headcanons is fucking normal, it is in literally every fandom that’s not this one. things like fanfic and fanart and headcanons are VITAL to a fandom’s survival, it entices people, gives them more reason to join! No one remembers the fandom with no fanfiction or headcanons or shipping, everyone remembers the fandom with hundreds and thousands of stories

Hell even in the hermit community if you don’t like shipping? then you aren’t allowed to watch the recap because Zloy FULLY ENCOURAGES it! https://askzloyxp.tumblr.com/post/184503863759/hey-chief-whats-your-opinion-on-people-shipping here is a link right here to his blog where he says so, if you fandom police these things, you can’t interact with the recap that’s the rules!

I remember being 13 and getting into merome, this was before I realized I was asexual and panromantic, this was some of my first experience with gay relationships in media, the work from it gave me some of my first purely positive interesting exciting loving queer rep, and was definitely a big part of normalizing these kinds of relationships and showing me these kinds of feelings are fine and normal and par for the course. It gave me an outlet for feelings I didn’t understand yet, it made me feel normal and it showed me healthy relationships you don’t get on daytime tv, and I don’t want to take that kind of rep away from a 13 year old who does the same with mumbo and grian. People don’t headcanon people as gay or ace or pan for no reason, they do it because they’re searching for representation, they’re searching for something where they can go ‘they are like me’ and that kind of rep is valuable and should be protected not ridiculed to threats of violence. And you know how merome affected mitch and jerome? It didn’t, all they did in response was make jokes about the ship and make ship tease animations because it was not a serious issue.

Of course there are things you shouldn’t do, but that’s true for everything, normal fandom protocol is tag your ships, keep it out of the main tag if asked, and don’t shove it in the creators face or demand they make your ship canon or anything, that should be frowned upon, not shipping and aus and stories in general!

I am a writer, I write minecrafter fanfic, I ship minecrafters, I make minecrafter headcanons, and I will never stop because a 14 year old tells me its problematic, and I will protect the rights of others to do the same, and you know what? They can’t stop us! The only control they have over us is what we give them! They can never stop fanfiction from being created, they can never stop shipping, they can never stop any of it, they only can if we let them get into our heads, and if we go ‘fuck you I’ll do it anyways’ they lose

These people are choking out this fandom with restrictions and baseless and unenforceable rules, take back your power from them, don’t let them destroy this fandom, do what brings you happiness, and if its drawing grian and mumbo making out, or headcanon mumbo with anxiety? I fully support you and I will never shut up

#not yhs #long post #one day i will stop rambling #that day is not today #i have so many thoughts about this fandom #stop being mean to everyone it aint gucci guys

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zloyodessit · 5 years

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Fake report on Ukrainian soldier "murdered" at Yavoriv training ground: Same manuals, same actors

It seems that Russian propaganda masterminds have launched a full-scale information war against the Yavoriv training ground – through info spins, manipulations and psy-ops designed not only to discredit the international cooperation of Ukraine's Armed Forces with NATO partners, but also Ukraine's relations with its closest neighbors. At the same time, in this information war, Ukraine's so-called "media", like Strana.ua and others play a key important role.

Let me remind you that at the end of August it was through Strana.UA that the info spin "Drunk, greedy and lazy. American colonel calls Ukrainian military the main problem of the Yavoriv Training Center" was disseminated, allegedly referring to a blog by U.S. Army lieutenant colonel, head of the Joint Multinational Training Group - Ukraine (JMTG-U) Robert Tracy. It "revealed" terrible details about the Ukrainian military. Of course, it turned out that the blog was run by an impostor and had nothing to do with the actual U.S. lieutenant colonel, although this had been clear at first glance, but not to Strana.UA reporters, apparently.

Today, once again, with the complicity of certain Ukrainian media, in particular Strana.ua, emerged a stinky spin titled "Reports from Lviv say Polish military killed Ukrainian soldier. Later, media outlet announced it had been hacked," published at 12:12 and citing the Ratusha online outlet.

At the same time, there is no report of this kind on Ratusha website, while its administrators said there had been an attempt to hack the site and that it was being shut down for maintenance.

Meanwhile, the story was immediately picked up by other resources that even published a photo of the murdered troop. However, it also appeared to be fake.

For example, the Sotsportal resource at 12:20 published an article "In Yavoriv, a Polish military shot a Ukrainian troop", also posting a "photo from the crime scene". But - what a shame - the photo posted by Sotsportal turned out to be a rotten piece because it had actually been taken on January 1, 2018 in Odesa at the ruined building on Srednefontanska Street. But, it was this very photo that the Russian sites and social media channels took up, covering the report on this "murder".

By 13:15, the official website of National Police published a refutation of this fake story, but the wave could not be stopped anymore and the fake spin along with the fake "photo from the crime scene" were all across the internet by then.

And now, the most interesting part: why would Russian propaganda and their affiliated outlets in Ukraine would need making all these wild efforts?

The fact is that yesterday, Sep 24, Ukraine and Poland signed a letter of intent on cooperation in the protection of the rights of citizens of both countries and "avoiding xenophobic sentiments." In fact, this document can be called "anti-xenophobic" and it is like a bone in the throat to Russian propaganda, which has long been playing the game of manipulating ethnic disputes and conflicts.

That is why the fake report about the murder of the Ukrainian soldier was heavily stained with the Polish theme, not only to inflict an information blow on Yavoriv again, but also to hurt national feelings, especially after the incident with the beating of a Ukrainian national in Poland. Of course, this also happened, not by chance, on the eve of the signing of the document mentioned above.

Ukraine and Poland are now closer than ever to each other in resolving controversial historical issues that the Russian Federation regularly exploits to bring discord and confrontation between the two countries.

The only good news is that the methods of propagandists never change. These methods are nothing but spinning fakes through controlled media like Strana.UA, as well as using fake photos and videos, or links to non-existent articles and outlets.

Still boring, girls. And someone better spank you hard for such clumsy job.

https://zloy-odessit.livejournal.com/2895143.html

Читайте так же в Telegram https://t.me/zloyodessit

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askzloyxp · 4 years

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Got an anonymous ask saying “do you actually hate grian or just his awful fanbase lol”

Hoo boi, this is an interesting one. What are we, in highschool? “Do you hate Grian yes/no/maybe”?

Sigh. Guess, I really have been talking a lot of critcism towards Hermitcraft, but what people don’t seem to understand is that crticism does not equal negativity. Part of being a fan of media is to look at it with honesty, and praise what works in it, and see what doesn’t. Especially in online media, where the creators have an open line with the fans.

The role of criticism is to help make the next one better. It’s true with the mainstream media, it’s true with let’s plays. It’s a whole other deal when the criticism is just bad faith arguments mixed with slander, but I do believe this isn’t the case for someone who’s been praising Hermitcraft on a weekly basis for over three seasons now.

So do I hate Grian? - I physically can not. I don’t know the guy. We have no interpersonal relationship. We never exchanged a word. Pix did and he said it was lovely, so I’ll trust his judgement.

Do I hate Grian as an artist? - Hell no.

Grian’s videos are brilliant in more ways than I can count. In many ways Grian is the YouTube content I want to create myself: from s2 of Fullstack to current Truly Bedrock I’ve been trying to do the exact same thing with the skits, the roleplay and the giggles. I very much enjoy Grian’s videos, and especially his Hermitcraft series, I think it’s imaginative and clever.

So why then am I so negative towards him? - For one, I am not. To invite you for a moment behind the scenes, I am the one writing the Recap segments about him. Everything positive said in the recap are my words, with a little Pixlriffs wit sprinkled in. But our mind is structured in a way where we pay more attention to negativity, especially when it comes to a youtuber you are stanning for. So every joke and every clip of him I alter is resonating through our comment section with literal hundreds of voices. Even something as inconsequential as accidentally putting someone else’s nametag on a Grian clip can cause a giant uproar in the comments of the video (which doesn’t happen if I do that same mistake on say, ZombieCleo, btw).

So do I then hate Grian’s fanbase? After all, for over two years now they’ve been turning any Hermitcraft discussion into a Grian fanclub and their outcries are visibly affecting the Hermits’ creative output and flooding my own comments with unnecessary toxicity towards me Gang, I wouldn’t have them any other way. On a personal level I am a bit tired of seeing nothing but Grian stanning in the Hermitcraft spaces, but that’s a pretty minor inconvinience, and a very expected one: popular people are popular.

Back in s4 it was Mumbo stans. Then Iskall stans. Now we have a new golden boi, and stans are a bit louder, but otherwise it’s business as usual. And their hyper-defensiveness and downright gullability we’ve been using for the Recap’s benefit. It’s straight up fun to play with their expectations, even if sometimes it’s a bit too mean and blatant on my part (the nametag goof was the most fun I’ve had with comments in a long time lol).

But that too, really, is in the job description: one of the Recap’s mission statements is to bring more viewers to less known hermits. We don’t need to showcase Grian as hard as everyone else, because really, he already has more exposure than we could ever give him.

Hate is a strong word. I hate that iJevin is not at a million subscribers, cuz the fella wastes a ton of time per episode on grand timelapses only to get less love for it than a chicken who laid an egg (and it was funny).

Just because I complain about some people, doesn’t mean I want them out of the fanbase, and especially doesn’t mean I want them run over by a bus.

#Zloyxp #shut up zloy #hermitcraft #Grian

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askzloyxp · 4 years

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Mumbo or Iskall are the only possible Demise winners because it’s the only outcome that will sedate the shreeking pre-teens.

In many ways Hermitcraft is like professional TV wrestling: it’s real because the stunts are real, and most of the drama is unplanned improvisatory brilliance. But let’s not beat around the bush: the Hermitcraft members are not idiots, at least not since the Sheep Head incident of Season 5.

In this essay I will sketch out reasons and evidence as to why the winner for the Demise is planned and why it is going to be one of the three remaining Dragon Bros, with Mumbo being the most likely one.

The thesis of this piece basically comes down to this: Hermitcraft is aware of the destructive qualities of its fanbase and will plan Mumbo (or to a lesser degree Iskall, or to a lesser degree Bdubs) to be the winner of the piece.

This requires us to prove that first and foremost Hermitcraft is aware of the destructive qualiies of their fanbase. Luckily, season 5 provided us with just the thing: the Sheep Head incident. Long story short, for a skit BdoubleO pretended that StressMonster stole several somewhat hard to get sheep heads from one of his chests. He later revealed that she didn’t and that he was just being forgetfull and left them in a different chest - part of the whole “going insane” shtick he was doing for the whole season. Naturally, his fanbase of thousands never made it to the “oh wait, I’m just an idiot” part of the joke, and Stressmonster’s comment section was overrun with harassment and reportedly even death threats (and I have to specify that I never seen death threats exactly myself, but only because they cleaned it up with a nice swoop of a banhammer. I personally know about this because I was told by one of her more hardcore fans). Bdubs actually had to have an intervention with his fanbase in a hermitcraft episode telling them to tone it down, but in my opinion, it was too little too late, wouldn’t work on the people at fault, and frankly what did they think would happen if you pit a 10K subs channel against an over-a-million one?! (probably that it would bring a new bigger audience to Stress, but that’s just me backseat youtubing)

The Sheep Head incident was a grim reminder that the internet is the internet and the internet is also horrible. The whole NHO storyline got real soft right after it letting way for ConCorp shenanigans, which I personally found more fun anyway, but that’s neither here nor there. The message was clear tho: Hermitcraft needs to thread lightly with their bigger channels, a lesson they will not forget.

And we know that forget they didn’t, as the fanbase was swift to remind them of it. Ever wonder why we never found out the identity of the Jingler and the storyline was left to go cold? Well, it might have something to do with the Architect infinity room being Jingled. The butthurt of Grian’s sizeable fanbase was massive at the time, as pre-teens were pisssed that the reveal of it to Mumbo was “ruined”. Therefore HC just swept the Jingler identity under the rug as to not give all that pure Kyle energy a target.

Which is fine and actually pretty smart, given the circumstances. But this made the Hermitcraft storylines a very easy to spot weak point: now people with larger channels would become untouchable within the storylines.

A very simple example there is that aside from the Demise, this season so far GRIAN HAS NOT BEEN A LOSER IN ANYTHING. Every Grian-centirc storyline - and let’s face it, they’re all Grian-centric - has resulted in Grian winning or a least losing to himself. The Hermitville Build off? it’s a tie. The Area77 raid? Grian successfully accomplishes everything he’s setup to do. The Civil War? Grian’s team gets to win and Grian personally heroically delivers the last flag at the last moment!

The Jangler v Sherlock Grian storyline is specifically all about how Grian is smarter than everyone and runs laps around the rest’s deductive reasoning.

It gets to a ridiculous level, when Grian starts putting curse of binding dragon heads on people during demise - a move which on anyone else would result in SO MANY PRANKBACKS -and gets away with it! People he robbed of a helmet slot in the times when armor is crucial for some reason all react friendly and happily join his fanclub poorly disguised as a cult.

But now - a full year into the season - they finally feel safe enough to let him die in the Demise (and even then it’s probably just so he can deliver the final supertrap at the last survivors to the rooting of the toddlers in the audience).

AND HIS FANBASE IS ALREADY FARTING UP A STORM ABOUT THE TRAP THAT KILLED HIM BEING GRIEFING. They’re not upset about griefing, guys, they’re just looking for an excuse to whine about their favorite hermit not getting to win something for the first time in a year.

In this situation any actual Demise winner for Hermitcraft will just result in this fanbase lashing out at them, hence the swift dispatchment of ZombieCleo and TFC - the two remaining participants with the least following.

The only way for HC to now “handle” Grian’s juvenile fanbase is to give them someone they already like: the archi-bois frienderoos, Iskall or Mumbo. And if I had to guess, they’re going to go with Mumbo, just to make it seem like a twist: the one guy with the least aggressive tactics suddenly coming through and winning this.

A charitable expectation would be to say that JoeHills is an option, as his popularity in the fanbase has been on the rise, he’s super good at dealing with children harassing him by now, and also his channel needs some help growing, but really, that’s too much to ask from this group.

Also of note is that played genuinely on a server like Hermitcraft, Demise will last a week if that, leaving but a nice crator where once was the shopping district.

So, there’s my lenghty and unnecessarily aggressive diatribe on the nature of Hemitcraft fandom and how that bends the stories they tell with their gameplay. Hope you had fun, I know I did. And if Demise ends, and Docm is the winner, please forget you ever saw this post and pretend that I stil have some credibility left in me.

Next time on “SHUT UP ZLOY” we’ll talk about how every minigame Grian introduced was actively preventing people from playing on the server which is a bit annoying when their livelihoods depend on making videos from said server.

#zloyxp #hermitcraft #hermitcraft discourse #why do I do this to myself #shut up zloy

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votederpycausemufins · 3 years

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God i love the trope of people who have animal traits going feral. So writing Grian is fun. I just realized that one time Grian said ‘I am the embodiment of twitch chat’ could imply those voices. i meant, it’s a stretch, but eh, whatever.

@petrichormeraki

Tommy hated how soon they were already gathered, preparing for another war. Hermitcraft was safe, the only wars were simply fun between friends. But now it was just like back on the smp. “I’ve got my disc box ready.” Tommy put the shulker in his inventory, looking over at Mumbo. “What about you?”

“I’m not really the best at these fights, so I’m just geared up and hoping I don’t die helping people out of here.”

“Help people out? What, are some of the hermits chickening out?” Tommy joked to lighten the mood, but it didn’t help.

“No. No one is going to just run off during all this. Grian’s our friend, practically family. But plenty of the people from your old world have been visiting. And with how you’ve talked about them, I doubt all of them will leave even though they should. And… Xisuma isn’t here. I don’t know how its supposed to work, but if he’s not here, we might not respawn.”

Tommy felt his blood run cold. He hadn’t thought of that. He could actually die. It had been so long since he was worried, having only one canon life left. He remembered Xisuma telling him he had ten, and every time he asked if a death counted, the admin said it wasn’t enough. It wasn’t until election 2 that he thought it had to be canon when he finally realized that he was never going to run out of lives. No one was. But now he could.

“Well, I know them best. I should probably help with that.”

“You’re a better fighter, if either of us is going after Grian, it should be you.”

“Look, how about we just both fly over there now and help get people out, and when the fighting starts, we fly back to give whoever was already fighting a break.” Tommy suggested, and Mumbo reluctantly agreed.

Grian was flying towards a new island, one he knew was going to have everyone that wasn’t supposed to be there. Maybe Tommy will be there too. No way, he’ll be after Grian. But some of those people were his friends, right? Don’t you remember, Tommy said they abandoned him, exiled him. He forgave Tubbo easily. That’s different. How? Oh shit what’s that. Did Grian build that? AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!

Grian stopped listening and actually focused on the portal that had appeared in front of him. He hadn’t made it, especially since he didn’t have anyone to put there. So he tried to fly around it. It disappeared thankfully, but another appeared. Tubbo did say that cat was Tommy’s friend too. That was a cat? We could go and bring her back out. She might know where Tommy is! Oh that’s true! Grian dived into the portal.

“Oh look who finally dragged themselves home. It’s Xelqua.” Grian looked for the voice, then glared at them.

“You know I haven’t used that name since I was in your world Lynn.” Grian ruffled his feathers before preening them.

“Duck meat.”

“Mystic bitch.”

“Seed breath.”

“Rabbit freak.”

“Feather fart.”

“Pa-” “Grian, Lynn. Calm yourselves.” Grian stopped his insult to look at who approached.

“Sorry Zloy.” Grian said, rolling his eyes and then sticking his tongue out at Lynn.

“I saw that.”

“I know you did! What don’t we see?” Grian crossed his arms. Can he really boss you around like that? That dude is big. Bet you could- Grian shook his head to get those pesky voices to shut up. “Why am I here?”

“Pin was really upset that you left so early. Noah’s the only one that didn’t mind, but obviously you should have stayed longer.” Zloy spoke in a disapproving tone.

“Hey, Tommy is my brother. If Gxrgeous didn’t let things get this bad-” Grian started to complain, but Zloy cut him off.

“She doesn’t want to interfere like the rest of us.”

“Oh but Noah, Goof and Pin can? I’m a watcher because they interfered. You get more watchers by interfering.”

“And what, did you want Tommy to be one too?”

Grian felt his feathers puff up with agitation. “No! Of course not. I’m just saying she could have stopped things before they got to children being put in wars!”

“And here you are making more.” Lynn taunted Grian, making him even angrier.

“They started it by showing up in the first place to take Tommy! I only broke my promise to save him!”

“And what about now?” Zloy asked, drawing Grian’s attention back to him. “Why continue it?”

“Contin- What are you talking about? What, is Gxrgeous upset I’m helping out where she failed?”

“Pixlriffs, did you open up a window yet?” There was an answer of affirmation and suddenly Grian was staring into a watcher portal.

“And den we went to space! And dere were impastas and I got ta be one wit my dad, and we killed everyone and Sprinklez was so happy!” Crumb explained to Xisuma. The admin nodded along, half paying attention as he tried once more to access his admin panels and get them out of there.

“X! Where are we?!” Xisuma looked up and then around until he saw Iskall getting closer, falling from above with one of their other guests, Hbomb.

“I have no clue. I’m not getting any readings and I can’t access any admin panels to get us out of here.”

“Hey! You guys are my dad’s friends!” Crumb recognized Iskall, though she had only briefly seen him, and the other guy looked familiar, so that must have been who Sparklez said they just found. “We’ve been falling forever and it, well it was getting a little lonely but now we can share more stories!”

“Well, based on what was going on, might be something to do with Watchers with how Grian was looking. Though he was going to kill me when we saw him.”

“I have absolutely no clue what’s going on.” Hbomb spoke up, hoping the other three would have some explanation for him. Okay maybe just the two hermits, he wasn’t completely sure how much he would get out of Crumb.

“What does he mean with how I was looking? I’m just trying to hang out with my family!” Grian argued, making Zloy look a little confused.

“Grian, you started using your watcher powers to attack people. You threw those four in a Watcher portal, but as there is no new world prepared yet, they’re stuck in a place where no world exists.”

“What? But, I mean while I have trouble controlling myself when I’m using my watcher powers, I can remember everything once I’m a little more lucid. I mean, you remember the explosion.”

“Of course, Pixlriffs ran to me as soon as he noticed it was happening. Do you really not remember this going on?” Grian shook his head. “That’s not good. And we can’t look into it much if you’re here, so we’ll have to send you back.”

“Zloy, if you have to interfere, don’t let people get hurt.” Grian suddenly felt small and nervous, scared for his friends' safety. “And please, try not to let me go too haywire.”

“We can try, but until we know what’s going on…”

“I get it. But you better get Gxrgeous’ help too since this involves them now.”

“We will.”

Another portal appeared and Grian recognized the world of Hermitcraft on the other side. He didn’t want to go through, but if he didn’t now, he might never get to return. So he stepped through. Do you really think they know what they’re doing? Yoooo it was Zloy. Are you new, we’ve seen him before. We still need to keep Tommy safe, right? Hey Philza logged in. The dadza! Dadzaaaaaa. Guys, now I want pizza. What if he takes Tommy? Oh yeah, he shouldn’t be here either. Infinity portal time guys.

Grian sped up his flying, more determined to reach the island now.

Tommy was surprised to see a familiar avian as he and Mumbo landed on the island. “Phil? What are you doing here?”

The hardcore player looked surprised to see Tommy so soon. “I’m actually here for you Tommy. What’s going on?”

“Grian’s gone crazy and is apparently attacking people. I’m here to help get people back to the smp with Mumbo.” He moved to push Philza back through the portal. “So now is like the worst time for a visit.”

“Feels like it’s more of a perfect time to bring you back.”

Tommy, who was more focused on helping everyone else, suddenly looked over at Philza. “What? No, I’m staying! I’m staying right here! You should understand that! I’m going to help Grian! Just because you didn’t have him for like 15 years or something, doesn’t mean he’s not family!”

Philza grabbed Tommy’s arm. “And that’s exactly why you should come back. I saw him start going on a rampage because of you. What if this is just some of the same?”

Tommy shook his head. “That could just mean me leaving could make it worse.”

“Guys! I know your argument must be very fascinating, but I’m pretty sure that’s Grian flying towards us!” Mumbo yelled to get their attention and Philza and Tommy looked up to where the redstoner was pointing, Grian indeed flying towards them.

Tommy yanked his arm away and started to pull out his shulker box when purple energy formed around the watcher avian and suddenly he was gone. Tommy’s eyes scanned the sky until a yell came from right behind him. When the blond turned, he had to crane his neck up to see the form Grian had taken. He looked like something out of stories he heard from one of the hermits. Angels with multiple wings and eyes covering them. Tommy could tell it was Grian, but at the same time, he didn’t.

“Dear lord.” Tommy heard Mumbo mumble. Grian was holding Philza in talons as a portal slowly formed made mostly of bedrock. Though Tommy was upset at his dad, he still didn’t want anything to happen to him. Fortunately the hardcore player could handle himself and stabbed Grian. He dropped to the ground and lost his health, but not knowing where that portal would lead, it was a better option.

Tommy ran to his dad, ready to defend him, but the Watcher’s attention was drawn by another smp member who was trying to get to the infinity portal. With a swipe of a wing, Grian pushed the smp member into his own portal. A moment later he was going after someone else.

“Tommy, He’s after people from the smp.” Philza realized. “He’s going to go after you.”

Tommy didn’t want to believe it, but he knew the communicators didn’t work between worlds. That’s why they couldn’t find Xisuma or Tubbo. “Then let him, Tubbo’s gone. He’s got to be in there too.”

“No Tommy. If he’s after us, he won’t stop until we’re all gone. If you want to help Grian, you have to come home!” Tommy was pulled to look his father in the eyes. He hadn’t seen Philza look this scared in ages. And he was probably right.

“Okay fine. Let’s go back.” Tommy nodded, and then followed his dad towards the infinity portal. Right before they could reach it, Grian noticed and dropped the person he was holding to go after Tommy, but before he could reach them, they had gone through.

The moment they got to the other side, Tommy regretted his decision. “What’s Dream doing here? Why isn’t he in the vault.”

“Tommy, come on, don’t be so harsh.” Dream spoke, trying to seem like no threat, but Tommy knew better and drew his weapon. “You came back with your dad, so as promised I won’t be too harsh on you.”

Tommy inhaled sharply, turning to look at Phil. “You were working with him?! Grian’s back there and you thought that bringing me back to Dream was going to be better than me helping my brother?!”

“Tommy, he-”

“I don’t want to hear it! I’m sick of trusting you! You always say you’re going to be there for me, but then you turn around and work with someone who’s going to hurt me.”

“Tommy, I’m your friend, I won’t-”

“Shut up green bitch. I’m going back!”

“No, you’re not going back Tommy. Once everyone comes back from visiting that little vacation world of yours, we can close the portal.” Dream spoke, sounding much too confident on something that wouldn’t be happening.

“Then we’ll have to close it now. If they haven’t come in now, they’re not coming through.”

Dream chuckled. “Oh I’m sure they’ll come through. I’ve got someone over there to bring them to the portal.”

“Kinda hard if Grian already got to them.” Tommy crossed his arms. “He’s tossing them in some weird bedrock portal and they’re disappearing. Unless Tubbo came back here.”

Dream stopped. That wasn’t supposed to be happening. “No, they were supposed to be put back through the infinity portal.”

It took a bit for Tommy’s mind to comprehend what Dream meant before he jumped to attack the former admin. “What the fuck did you do to Grian?! This is your fault, isn’t it?! Tubbo’s gone because of you!”

“It’s fine.” Dream gritted out. “He… the watcher messed with you. Saving you when you were falling. Ranboo didn’t have enough of his signature on him, but you. You’ve got to be around him all the time. I can use that.” Tommy tried to run, but Dream anticipated it. “Philza, grab him.”

Raven wings trapped Tommy. He turned around to yell at his dad, but there was just a blank look on his face. “What the fuck are you doing to my family?!” Tommy yelled, trying to escape the wings on his own with little luck.

“I’m just going to make sure everyone comes home and then we can go back to how things were before you ran away. And what better way to do that then to use the power of a Watcher.” Tommy wanted to argue again, but the handle of an axe crashed against his head, and the world went dark.

#hermit!tommy au #hermit!tommy #tommyinnit #grian #grian xelqua #watcher!grian #avian!grian #mumbo jumbo #xisumavoid #the watchers #crumbl #cuptoast #philza #dreamwastaken #still not a fan of how dream's persona eminates someone... problematic

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