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alchemania · 6 months

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Love Comes, Slowly. (Death Comes Faster.)

(Or, Furina falls ill, and Wanderer is confronted with the fact he cares a lot more than he realized.)

(He's got a name in this drabble too lads yippee!! He and Furina are close enough now he feels comfortable letting her call him by a name :] oh yeah and uh. This was not intended as shippy, if you were wondering, just to get that out of the way. It's platonic.)

“..ina. Furina!”

The white haired girl blinked owlishly, startled to attention. “Huh? What?”

“This is the third time I've called you,” Tetsuya frowned, eyebrows furrowed. “Are you daydreaming?” Furina flushed in answer, scratching the back of her neck.

“I've just been a little out of it today,” she muttered. That much was an understatement. She'd awaken with a fogginess in her head and a heaviness in her stomach that just hadn't gone away, and everything seemed to be processing twice as slowly, leaving her behind as the world kept moving. Was it always this warm, too??? Furina felt like she was baking, even for a place as warm as Sumeru, something felt off-

“Hey!”

Wanderer's hands grabbing her face snapped her to attention, and Furina instinctively leaned into them a little, comforted by how cool they were. In contrast, his pupils dilated a little - humans were always very warm in contrast to him, but Furina felt especially hot. “Are you sick?”

"I don't know…. maybe…?”

Tetsuya's eyes flashed with something unreadable, and he quickly took his companion by the hand, fear gripping his chest as much as he would deny it was there. “Well, we need to get you medical attention, then.”

“I'll be fine-”

“I know you will,” he asserted, “because we are GOING to get you looked at.” His tone left no room for arguments, and Furina stared at him hollowly before weakly nodding. She didn't understand why he was so vehement all of a sudden, but she didn't have much energy to be stubborn.

“Mkay…”

Tetsuya began to lead her through the city then, and she let herself be pulled along, slipping in and out of awareness as voices around her rose and fell like the tides. Very soon however, it was a struggle just to put one foot in front of the other, and Furina wobbled to a stop, a hand to her temple. Wanderer turned to her then, frowning. “What's wrong?”

“Tired,” she mumbled, barely able to keep her eyes open. “Achy, too…”

“We'll be to the clinic soon, just - we're going to get you some help,” he replied, and if she were fully coherent she'd notice his voice was slightly strained from barely concealed worry. “Come on. You can lean on me if you need to.” He seemed so far away, despite the fact he was right there, and Furina's legs buckled, too weak to support their owner's weight anymore. She crumpled to the ground, and Tetsuya froze, unable to move for a moment. And then the spell was broken, and he knelt by her side, frantic. “Furina!? Hey!! HEY!! Furina!!” With shaky hands, he took her pulse, relief flooding him when it came through strong and consistent.

It might not stay that way for long, though. You've seen this before.

Pushing that thought away, Tetsuya carefully wrapped one arm around Furina's back to support her and then scooped her up princess style - she was so small, and he noticed her cheeks were quite rosy, beads of sweat all over her brow.

..the fever's getting worse.

He had to hurry. He had to hurry.

Tetsuya swears he's never flown so fast before, everything whizzing by in a blur (and if his vision blurred for reasons other than his swiftness, no one needed to know). The moment he touches the ground again, he's racing towards one of the nurses, chest too hot and too cold all at once. “My friend collapsed,” (and it's startling, how easy it is now to call her that) “Help her. Please.” Furina was gently taken from his arms, and he lingered like a shadow as she was carefully placed in one of the beds, a cool cloth laid on her brow. “She gonna be alright?” Wanderer ventured, and his voice was so so small, expression more akin to someone centuries ago; someone who hadn't yet seen the depth of all the world's sorrows. One of the nurses turned and nodded, in reassurance.

“Her illness was caught early on, so she should be just fine. It's good you noticed quickly. She should be back to normal in a few days with rest, but you can spend the night if you'd like-”

“Absolutely.” He was not going to leave. No way in hell. Settling into a chair nearby, he tried to calm the storm in his chest, closing his eyes to clear his thoughts. The hours flew by, and eventually Wanderer sat up and gently shook Furina, to rouse her. “It's time for you to take your medicine. Come on.” Furina didn't move, and suddenly, he couldn't breathe, chills gripping him.

Oh.

Oh, god. God, please, no. Not again. Please, not again. He couldn't do this again.

“Hey,” Tetsuya called again, shaking the girl harder. “If this is a joke, it's not funny. You need to get up. They said you were going to get better, so you have to.” He'd made it in time this time, he'd - as soon as he could, he'd brought her here… so there was no reason that -

Tetsuya took Furina's hand, and to his horror, it was cold (like his) and limp. Just like - no, no no. This wasn't happening this could NOT be happening it couldn't!! “You can't just - leave me like this,” he managed, tears flooding his eyes. But she had. She had, and he didn't even get to say goodbye, and he couldn't breathe, sobs choking him. This time, he understood that death was a constant, that it would come and claim all humans eventually but-

...that didn't make it hurt any less, as much as he'd tried to deny it.

“Furina, come on, you're one of the only friends I have I - please don't leave me behind. Please - I'll do anything just wake up; wake up!”

I couldn't save you. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

He can't stop crying. He's sprung a leak and he can't fix it and everything hurts so badly and a nurse is taking his hand and pulling him away and turning his face into her chest so he won't look, and he can't stop crying and he's begging her to do something, anything, but she can't. She knows that, and he knows it, too.

Furina was gone, and he couldn't do anything. No one could.

Tetsuya jolted awake, tears streaming down his cheeks, and gasped. Stars twinkled above, and he sat up after a split second of regaining his senses. It was a dream. It was just a dream. Then, Furina- getting up in a hurry, he raced to her side and shook her frantically, and to his immense relief, she stirred. Heterochromic eyes stared blankly at him, and she blinked sleepily. “Tetsuya…?? What - oogh!” He was squeezing her in a hug before she could process what was happening, tucking his head into her shoulder. “Oh….hey hey, it's okay,” Furina mumbled, patting his back weakly in reassurance. “M’just tired..why are you crying??”

“You're okay,” he barely managed, holding her like she'd disappear if he let go. “I had a dream and - no, it..it doesn't matter. It wasn't real. You're okay.” Wanderer's voice broke then, and he sobbed, relief overwhelming. “You can't leave me yet, okay? Not yet. Please. You're the best friend I ever had.”

“I'm going to get better, don't worry. They're taking good care of me here, and I'll be out in no time and - ….”

“What? What is it? What's wrong?”

“Nothing, just.. you said, I'm your friend-”

The young man froze, taken aback, and then eased up again, slowly nodding. “.. I did say that.”

“You mean it?”

“..Wouldn't say it if I didn't.”

Furina smiled, laying her head atop Wanderer's, and blue and white locks spilled into each other. “You're my friend too, yanno. Thank you for bringing me here when you did. I might be a lot worse off otherwise.”

“You don't have to thank me. I just - . . did what anybody would do.”

“Maybe, but I still want to thank you. Gotta make sure the people you love know they're appreciated.” Tetsuya stiffened at that, blinking rapidly. Oh god, she couldn't just - say things like that, he'd cry all over again and - he had to have misheard.

“You- …what?”

“You're my friend, and I love you,” Furina reasserted, and she said it so easily, like she was talking about the weather, like she was stating a fact of the world, and it shook him to his core.

“.. I - oh,” was all he could say, hot tears making their way down his face again. “Just. Just like that?”

“Just like that,” she nodded, and the tears fell faster. He loved her too, he realized - he wasn't quite sure the exact dimensions of it but he knew he cared for her as a friend would, wanted to stand by her side and defend her with everything he had. Still, it wasn't very easy to say that, so he hoped his actions spoke for themselves. She seemed to understand though, to his relief.

“..why?” Tetsuya finally ventured, because he did not understand. There were many things he did not understand, actually. What he did not expect was for her to answer his question with a question.

“Why not?”

“Why not? Because - …I mean, you've seen how I act.”

“Doesn't make you unlovable, yanno. You're prickly, yeah, but I mean. If love is conditional, it's not love at all. You care about me - the real me, and I care about you, flaws and all. And that's not gonna change. Okay?”

“...mm,” Wanderer managed, nodding once.

Just like that. Just because he was, he was cared for. Worldrocking, that.

They stayed like that for a long time, until one of the nurses came to take care of Furina, and soon after the girl fell asleep. Tetsuya watched how the nurse gently tucked her in and brushed her damp bangs out of her forehead, expression contemplative. Humans could be selfish, they could be deceptive, they could be cowardly - but they also cared about each other and they loved each other, too- and some of them had so, so much love to give, it was daunting. Here in one moment and gone the next but they loved so much and so deeply - and for a moment, he wondered if he could, too, love the world and everything in it or - most things. He didn't think so, but these days it did seem a little brighter than it had before. Maybe that was a sign he was changing, without realizing it.

He would think more about it later. For now, he simply held Furina's hand as she slept and leaned his head on the side of the bed, heart steady. They'd said she needed a few days to recuperate, and he would be here until then. She would be okay, she would be alright. There was nothing to fear anymore, and everything would be okay. He wasn't going to lose her - not for now, anyway.

..to love, and to be loved, was wonderful, he thought.

Maybe that was living.

..he could come to thrive in it.

#genshin impact #furina #wanderer #HI GUYS I'M BACK AGAIN YIPPEE #oh boy oh boy i love these guys so much im so ill over them i need them to interact in canon #but until then i will write my dream interactions #anyway uh my hc is wanderer gets very fussy when people get sick because yk. trauma. he's scared of them leaving him behind again aha!#i dab to hide my tears #but yeah he cares about furina very much she's wormed her way into his heart and he's like Oh No.......Oh Dear #i think furina loves very very deeply and it's easy for her to express that. she has a big heart #wanderer also loves deeply once like. you get past his walls but by god!! they're thick as hell. 400+ years of trauma is crazy bro #it's hard for him to say it verbally too so he expresses it through actions he cooks for his friends he looks out for their well-being #he takes note of things people like and then like. gives them those things; etc #something something wanderer giving acts of service as a means to feel useful pipeline to him giving because it is his way to love.#do you feel me. do you get it. am i making sense #aughhhhhhhhhghghghggh #he is just. a lot to me i love him #and i love furina #and they are gonna heal together and it will be better

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aquilamage · 8 months

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[Image Description: a set of five edited bug fables screenshots from the pre-battle zommoth encounter. The first is the same as in-game, Kabbu saying "W-What is that!? Something's coming!" The second is of zommoth appearing on screen with its sprite edited to be various shades of pink and yellow, wings the same pattern as Leif's (but still with the purple blight magic stuff in the chest area.) The next three images have the sprite edited in the same way.. The third image is of Leif's saying "...Wh, Rkejrm-m-Muse!? Kjdrira, mebsrgr...!!!" The next is Kabbu saying "Muse!? Leif, that's..." The final is Vi saying "T-That doesn't make any sense!" End ID]

I thought about one of my fucked up and evil au ideas for five minutes again, so I decided to spend like fifty hours making a thing about it. Basically what if Muse went back into Snakemouth later to try to rescue Leif or at least bring back his body and got caught by the roaches.

Putting just the edited sprites under the cut if you wanna see those without the lab mood lighting:

#bug fables #bug fables spoilers #muse bug fables #or as I've been saving my files for this as:#Zommuse #:3 #Leif bug fables #despite taking a super long time (not actually fifty hours but it felt like it) this was fun!#I am so much more comfortable with writing than visual art stuff but since I don't have any specific thoughts on the scenario #past this moment this is a way easier way to get my thought across in slightly more description than my one paragraph up there #eyedropped all the colors off Muze and Grandpa's sprites and then played with them a bit to make them go together nicer #part of the length was me figuring out how to do stuff and part of it was because I had to stitch some stuff together inconveniently #as I said earlier: aa spoiled me. what with having all the game assets and backgrounds either conveniently already extracted #or at least mechanically very easy to get myself because it's all just pixels and all the bits are on different layers!#(also storywise I usually tend to go with giving muse fire magic when I'm thinking things. but keeping the blight was easier shorthand.#and also all those times she's more on leif's end of the cordyceps spectrum. mind more there. so.)

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devilsskettle · 2 months

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dinner in america is such a “take what you want from it and leave the rest” movie for me because i do think it’s very cute and i can buy into some of the wish fulfillment nature of the story but admittedly there are some parts that really don’t work for me, there are some parts that fall a little flat either in terms of the characters or humor, and the pacing is a bit of a challenge tbh. but it’s unbelievable what the human brain can overcome by virtue of simply Just Liking That Guy

#idk i just like that guy #obviously i’m a loser girl enjoyer but i have some qualms about how infantilized patty is throughout the script #it must be said i worry how much of the wish fulfillment thing is about guys wanting to date fairly naive young women who don’t know things #and who are ‘innocent’ and easy to take advantage of etc #but i also think that a LOT of the wish fulfillment thing is being a young woman in the world for the first time #feeling unsure about how you make sense of the world and your place in it #feeling pretty inexperienced wrt intimacy etc #and having someone see you very clearly for who you are and not caring about you figuring your shit out #and just liking you and wanting to be with you and thinking the stuff that makes you a freaky little weirdo is rad af #so like simon’s narrative role ends up being WAY more mpdg than patty’s and that actually saves the movie for me lol #anyway sorryyyyy for turning into a kyle gallner fan blog. frankly predictable behavior from tumblr user ‘devilsskettle’ though tbqh #also this movie is like. if may from may (2002) grew up in a healthy family and found somebody who could match her energy #instead of that asshole poser she gets involved with #so good for her. definitely part of the weird girl cinematic universe #honestly feels like a movie that should’ve come out in 2002 instead of 2020

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obessivedork · 2 years

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WHY was the fact that Ezri is technically around the same age(ish) as Jake and Nog not really brought up in DS9???? HELLO?????? We missed peak shenanigans of the three of them hanging out making pillow forts and being young 20-somethings together figuring themselves out despite the horrors of war!!! (Not to mention witnessing that would probably make for some good character moments with Kira) That would’ve been WAY better than watching her struggle to fill Jazia’s boots just because she happens to have the symbiont now and also whatever they thought they were doing with that thing between her and Worf and Bashir which was terrible- comphet really did wreak havoc on especially Ezri and Bashir’s characters in season 7.

#ezri dax #star trek #deep space nine #ds9 #ezri #listen IK the answer is a lot of the writing in s7 sucks but the fun one off episodes are good!#take me out to the hollosuite and the casino episode? And Nogs's paper moon stuff too!#like the siege and paper moon aren't fun but they did have SOME good writing in s7!#It would've been an easy way to help differentiate her from Jadzia too!#also I don't fucking care if the symbiont emotionally ages the host they could just... not write that #or say because Ezri's a few years younger than normal it doesn't happen for her #yes hi I am full of DS9 thoughts and opinions and feelings rip me #obviously I would've preferred Jadzia NOT being iced and Ezri being a temporary mat-leave replacement or smth too #but this post works with the assumption that she HAS to be a Dax #in my funky ''there's 2 Daxes now!'' fic Ezri gets to be YOUNG!

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ffcrazy15 · 9 months

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Alright I know this is specifically my personal niche as a catholic Trek fan, but:

One of these days I am going to finish writing this fic idea I've had gnawing at my brain for, like, six months, about Shaxs doing the Bajoran Month of Atonement (*cough cough lent cough cough*) and giving up violence for thirty days as his penance.

Which sounds good in theory, until you remember that violence is kind of his job.

#shenanigans abound #I have this image of Shaxs sweating bullets and trying desperately to negotiate peacefully with a Romulan warship or something #trying to keep his promise to the Prophets when ALL he wants to do is eject the warp core in their smug little faces #and everyone else is like “Shaxs just SHOOT THEM” and don't understand why he won't just take the easy way out #and he's too embarrassed to explain to his nonreligious coworkers that it's a religious thing so he keeps making wilder and wilder excuses #t'ana is the only person he tells at first and she's supportive even though she doesn't really understand it #but things are quickly growing more and more ridiculous because the security guard has suddenly become a pacifist and nobody knows WHY #shaxs #star trek lower decks #lower decks #catholic #catholic star trek

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padfootastic · 7 months

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I’m actually really fascinated by Jily and Lily now, precisely because it doesn’t look as if it bothered her that J and S were inseparable. She’s very clearly aware of how important they are to each other, she writes Sirius to tell him James needs to see him and it’s just like “yeah, this is How It Is,” no bitterness from James’s wife that James needs to see Sirius. She even signs it off with her love, she doesn’t resent Sirius’s place in James’s life in the slightest.

right?? it’s amazing and i think the only reason why i love jilypad as i do and can accept it wholeheartedly. i also think it speaks immensely to james potter’s capacity for love; it’s not easy to convince someone of their place on ur life, or to give them security and mental peace esp in times of extreme tensions, but that he was able to do that to the point that lily didn’t feel threatened? amazing.

i can see it happening bc lily accepts that her and sirius occupy different roles in james’ life and there truly is no competition. i think a fic once out it like? ‘sirius was his soul, but lily was his heart’ or sumn i’m not sure, and i do think that sums it up well. james has so much love in him, it overflows and fills in all the cracks and never makes the other feel inadequate. and i also see lily as coming into the relationship w an attitude of ‘i am finally ready for not just james but sirius as well’ bc she knows it s a duo, all jokes aside, which is the one thing most people don’t understand about them.

#sirius black #james potter #lily evans #managing jealousy is actually so difficult #now i’m interested in a conversation #b/w lily and james #where she’s all worked up bc she thinks james’ love for sirius means there isn’t any for her so she tries to pick an argument #except he’s just super calm #zen. unbothered. sitting like patiently listening to her vent it out bc he realises this is coming from a place of hurt and inadequacy #and insecurity #and when she’s all yelled out and cried out #that’s when he gently takes her in his arms and presses a kiss to her temple and just. talks.#and he’s so gentle and soft and kind and loving #that it’s very hard for lily to believe that he doesn’t love her #or even to compare herself to sirius #bc i truly believe giving up on jealousy requires a radical restructuring of the way u perceive love #and the expectations u have of people #and the belief u have in urself #it’s not easy and it’s def not the mainstream idea #but once u do it. so so liberating #(but that could also just be my polyam/i do not understand relationships political agenda speaking lmao)#anyway. yeah.#jily + j&s ftw #have i ever talked about the oneshot i’ve had in my drafts for a while #where jily is moving into a new house #and lily just assumes it’ll have a room for sirius. not guest room. but sirius’#and chooses a house accordingly for his convenience as well #and james is just jkasbfilnswfoibowdf floored #bc how did he luck out so well #pen’s asks

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hella1975 · 1 year

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im genuinely the dumbest person alive

#im so fucking angry with myself im SO stupid #like yes im only 20 ive never really handled my finances alone before #this is only my second year of paying rent EVER there was bound to be mistakes #and im lucky to have a family that can support me when those mistakes inevitably occur. but my fucking goddddd #basically i didnt plan ahead and turns out my TOTAL student loan for this year covers my TOTAL rent this year #but ofc the installments dont cooperate and the sums are different per semester etc #so instead of looking ahead and going 'oh shit my last loan won't be enough to cover my last rent installment'#and using that very easy to make observation to figure out that i need to be saving the leftover money from my loan throughout the year #i instead went 'omg i have leftover loan this term!' and fucking spent it #im short £600. im going to owe my parents £600 #and yes in the grand scheme it's not a huge amount of money like it could have been #but not only will i not be able to pay my parents back until july bc i CANT take out of my america savings #and i definitely cant start saving up £600 ON THE SIDE OF TRYING TO SAVE A GRAND FOR AMERICA #but on top of that being in debt to my mum is the worst thing in the entire world and now i have no choice but to be in debt for 3 months #before i can even start paying it back. like that's 3 entire months that she's going to use it as a stick to beat me with #like not only does she sometimes REFUSE to take money that i earn waitressing bc she insists on having the debt paid through actual labour #but she's also just a complete bitch about it and i know it's very spoilt to expect not only to be covered when i get into debt #but to also expect her to be nice about it but like. im not asking her to CODDLE me i get initially it makes sense for her to be angry #but she could at least acknowledge that i ALWAYS beat myself up over shit like this way more than anyone else will #like im so mad rn im trying not to cry just bc im so FRUSTRATED and the entire time she's fucking shouting in my face #about how she moved out at seventeen and had three jobs at uni and no one to support her etc etc #and just name-callling shit im already calling myself like it was an HONEST MISTAKE #she's acting like i purposely went behind her back and took £600 when i was very visibly horrified when i figured it out #and i immediately came clean to her regardless of how scared i was to admit it. im just so mad like i know i sound spoilt #and like im huffing and puffing over something that could have been SO MUCH WORSE if i didnt have my parents to cover me #but like. i can pay her back within 2 WEEKS of waitressing. ive never handled my rent before. i didn't do it on purpose #and im more annoyed with myself than she can ever be and she KNOWS that about me. so like. please dont shout at me lol #it's just i was SO proud of myself for saving for america and how hard ive worked and i should have known i was gonna fuck it up somehow #& now the £1500+ i'll total have saved for america that i worked so hard for is gonna be tainted bc i owe £600 all bc of my own stupidity #hella goes home

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lumberwoof · 7 months

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some good advice for Amiya, though I feel like both these points are ones that Liskarm and Franka have argued with each other about

#can't tell if Franka and Liskarm are making pointed comments to each other #or if they're conceding their own faults that the other has forced them to confront #it really could be either (or both) and honestly I love that #(it's definitely both)#I will sniff out every innocuous comment and put a magnifying glass to it #arknights tag #(in b4 how does Franka put too much pressure on herself? because she always tried to do everything alone)#(meanwhile Liskarm just feels responsible for too many things. and tries to take on too much)#(on the other end. Liskarm's kind of a runt and definitely sheer willed her way up BSW's ladder)#(add that to the fact she can barely stand after using her Arts and it's easy to see how Franka's comment applies)#(and Franka. she's definitely got some new physical limitations while undergoing treatment for Oripathy)

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britneyshakespeare · 4 months

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i hate that i've been complaining about everything in my life lately but if you're a frequent reader of my personal posts (side note, if you are: why. also i'm sorry) but if you remember earlier this week on tuesday i slipped outside and hurt my knee. i didn't end up seeing a doctor about that bc they literally had no openings when i talked to the secretary she was like i am so sorry sweetie. we can't take you for the rest of the week and i was like oh. and after a couple days it didn't hurt sooooo much although i think the limp ive been walking w has not been doing me any favors. but now today especially (? for some reason) BOTH of my legs were really hurting. i'm wondering if that might somehow be related to me getting my period today bc sometimes. you know how period pain can just end up wherever it wants. but then around 8 o'clock today i stubbed the SHIT out of one of my toes and i think i might have injured it (? i dont think it's broken but i cant stand on it and it's been hours). this is my left foot and the knee i hurt on tuesday was on my right leg. i am literally limping on both sides of my body now and i cant stand or walk.

#shout out to me being irritable with my family. sowwyyyyyy #EVERYTHING HURTS WHEN I TRY TO MOVE FROM PLACE TO PLACE #i dont know if i can handle seeing people tomorrow and it's Literally Christmas #i told kaily i wanted her to carry me to my bed earlier like im a little kid who fell asleep in the car and she said no :(#sisters are USELESS #tales from diana #menstruation cw #injury cw #maybe i shouldve gone to urgent care or the er about my knee earlier this week #i was starting to think i didnt seriously injure it but now im having doubts? or maybe i walked on it too much yesterday #i really was doing WAY too much walking yesterday but i kinda couldnt help it #my adhd body Wants To Move all the time even when i know i should be taking it easy #thats always been a problem w me whenever ive needed to limit my exertion. i just want to wander and fidget #i have a hard time staying still it makes me feel insanely unhappy #theres no better way to describe it #but i cant. move. now. sooooo #i dont know if i mightve broken my toe or not but its kinda swollen #how common is it to break a toe really? theyve got. theyve got a lot of little tiny bones #i dont know id think its more common to break a toe if you crushed it under something #i stubbed it. REALLY hard. like harder than even a normal really bad toe-stubbing.#i dont know. i dont know. i dont know.#can i have a wheelchair for christmas just for like a week at least #and get someone to carry me up and down the stairs?

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foxgirlmoth · 9 months

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I don't talk about this stuff on here pretty much at all, but a past relationship really broke a ton of bits and pieces of my brain and heart in weird ways (I'm finally thinking about him almost never but the shit he pulled was abusive as hell and still affects me sometimes). Being in love with my current girlfriends for a while felt almost. Painful? Almost like I should be ashamed I can fall so deeply in love with people, and especially how quickly that can happen sometimes too. Thats how it kind of felt. I tend to get overwhelmed with emotions if I'm feeling them very strongly, and that has been extremely embarrassing and also felt almost like I was being a burden to those I love (which love is the main emotion that can 'get dialed up to 11' for me). It IS debilitating in some ways!!! It hasn't gotten bad enough I've been nonverbal in a really really long time but that happened this past week and it was wild to me.

Things are getting better now though! Therapy in the past has helped, and honestly having such patient and understanding partners has made a world of difference ;w;. my wife is someone who was one of my best friends and I had a huge crush on and now I can ask for cuddles and we can nap together and I've fallen so much in love. Her and her presence are literally heaven for me, I don't know if anything has ever made me happier than just laying next to her and feeling her warmth.

Worries of course flare up and I feel like I need to lean on her a lot during those moments, but I don't feel like too much of a burden to her. I love seeing the posts that say stuff like 'Its okay to be a burden' or 'its okay to be annoying' because really truly I think I need to be those things to survive sometimes. I can be 'a lot' and I can be a little bit obsessive and those things aren't inherently bad or evil of me. I just make sure I'm feeling okay during and after and make sure I'm checking in on myself often. I'm a bit of a broken girl, but that doesn't mean I'm not extremely happy and living a life I love. I've written poems and everything about how it feels like it must hurt to love me and my broken jagged edges, but hey, even if it does a little bit, it doesn't mean someone like my girlfriend/wife won't go through a little bit of burden to love me, and I'm more than happy to return all of this and more for her as well if she's ever in need or feels broken ;^;

#Not to be too gay but I wanna build my life with my princess more and more #She's. So good to me and she's so pretty and she's so beautiful and attentive and she listens to me in ways I feel no one else has #She understands me so well!! And I hopefully make her feel the same #But yeah I've been a burden a lot to people due to autism (which I didn't know I had for fucking ages) adhd and physical disabilites #And she feels like she isn't taking care of me which is good because I'd honestly hate that #But she understands me and makes me a better person and that's exactly what I've wanted for forever.#And being demi/aspec is awesome with her since she's aspec too and there's no pressure for sex or sexy times but if we both want it #It can still be super fun!! We gotta figure more of that stuff out if we want but knowing each others kinks (and sharing a good bit) rocks #Idk its so so so so easy to love my wife Maxie #She's so dear to me and we've only been dating for 4 months but they've been 4 months I've felt the most alive and seen #Its so easy to be cringe but free with her too idk #She makes me better and I hope I do the same for her. I don't want either of us to stagnate yknow?#But anyways yeah this is just a big journal entry of some kind I might do these every once and a while #Not to like. Brag??? I guess. Or show my mental illness so much. Its just kind of nice if friends know where I'm at in my life I guess #And idk having outside input on thoughts can be good. If any friends see this and go 'Hey Runa this is real weird maybe tone it down'#I can look at that stuff a bit more #Gonna tag this in a way I can find it and others in the future too #Runa diary logs #But yeah you're not hearing this from me but I wanna be with Maxine for the foreseeable future more than anything.#Gotta get my degree and a good job too and she's ofc not the only person in my life (I have Sara who is so very dear to me too ;w;)#Nor is she the only 'goal' I have either. I wanna make games I wanna make art. I wanna make something that other trans people #And queer people and just minorities in general can look at or play or experience and just go. Life is worth living #I love my life right now and I'm so glad I've made it to my late 20's.#Its only uphill from here :3 #Wanna add on when I say she's not the only person in my life I mean that I have so many friends and people I love who love me too :3 #♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

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