#she wants to be a good person she really really does but she just cant believe that she can be so shes very defeatist on self improvement
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RAAAAAAAAH CHAPTER 13 BRO!!!!!
as always, i read it like a rabid animal, and then reread the prev 4 chapters and then reread this again HAHA
your work ages like fine wine, and i read and treasure every word of it, especially on rereads when i can make myself slow down to really take it all in <3
"He takes it all away. Every time." made me WEEP!!!!! its what she DESERVES!!!! the dependability and the escape into him and simon (simon takes charge obvs, but johnny is just as much an outlet. sweet sweet boy)
i think he also realizes that she's seeing it as escapism and starts to fall away a bit, bc of how he stops her and asks to check in. it makes me curious abt his and simon's early relationship, if he's recognizing the same pattern of behavior and comparing them.
going on with that, when she was showing them her scars, AUUUUUUGH. that hit so hard man. the “No but… they’re hideous.”
“No.” Simon croaks, voice thick. “There isn’t a single part of you that isn’t perfect.”
SIMOOOOOOOON he sees so much of himself in her. its gotta be heartbreaking, knowing she's where he used to be. he gets it fr. i cant imagine two people more suited for her, someone who's been where she is and got out, and the person who's helped get that someone out of that pit. fuck dude. you're so good at this HAHAHA
im not gonna say nothin abt the good girl stuff…. but heehee!
also also "I'm not a little human nurse" made me laugh so hard LMAO pure arizona from grey's. ive been watching it lately (started right before you started posting simple math actually) reading the hospital bits of SM, you do a really good job of capturing the same energy and stakes and work dynamics that you get watching grey's. im honestly still waiting for the other shoe to drop on the stupid attending marshall, there's always something that a shitty attending can mess up down the road lmao
the ending on this chap killed me though. they knew she was flighty, and that she's smart and capable, but its gotta be so hard to get the relief of her coming back after the day out without answering the phone, only to find the papers the next morning. in bunny's defense though, she mentioned in chapters before moving in (i think before graves hurt her?) with them that she had to start looking at outs, and these papers aren't a 2-day turnaround; she probably bought them weeks ago and only now picked them up. i could be wrong though! i think its unfortunate timing, but she also probably just wants the relief knowing that she's got the backup plan accessible. as much as she loves the boys and penny, she's still not used to having the dependability. the safety scares her, or at least gives her the idea of a false sense of security, since she's been on edge for so so long.
i give her big smooch. poor bun. poor boys, and poor penny. manifesting the worst for graves, truly, rot in hell you idiot american
i hope you're feeling better, its lovely to read your works but even better when you're doing well yourself ❤️❤️❤️
I loved reading this! I adore you.
I love how you noticed that Johnny does stop to check in. He has a very firm grip on her mental and emotional state, (it’s not his first rodeo) and he knows just how to bring her back.
The two of them + Bunny is really a dream come true even if she doesn’t realize it yet (they do) and it will take a lot of time and work on everyone’s part.
I think your notes in your last paragraph are pretty spot on, too. Bunny will talk about it more in the next two chapters but- getting a new identity is not a two day turnaround.
Also yeah, I was channeling Arizona with that line 💀 I was hoping someone would catch it!
10/10 I love your breakdowns, no notes, perfection, they always make me smile.
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#the boys are really mean to me and it makes me so sad#like i am rlly empathetic i hate ppl who call themselves that too but i genuinely am so i cant even hate them#i just want everyone to like me i hate being hated so much#like i feel misunderstood bc im genuinely i dont think im a bad person i dont wake up and try to make peoples life bad#i want everyone to have a good life#but they just look at me and think oh she doesnt talk to a lot of people she must be evil#like oh shes plotting smth#and everytime smth happens im the first person they blame#and i just feel so alone at school no one has my back except this one boy#and the only reason why he defends me is bc hes related to my cousin#and im glad he does bc hes like scary so ppl listen to him but he only does it bc he feels like he owes it to me#i just dont like being there like 8 hours a day in a class full of people who dont even care abt me enough to know me#hating me when they've never even had a conversation with me#like how can u talk bad abt a girl u dont even know and just assume the worst??
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Feel like one of the best ways you can convince someone that no, villains with compelling motives that have sad backstories are not terrible writing compared to straight up born evil villains who just want to kill everyone and be done with it, is to tell them that Warrior Cats writes born evil villains constantly while literally preaching “That’s how evil works, you can’t CHANGE, you’re either touched by demons at birth or you aren’t!” and it blows chunks
#brokenstar tigerstar hawkfrost darktail one eye etc etc would all be so much more interesting if they werent so one note#and just had ‘’born evil’’ slapped on as their explanation for being evil#‘’ew why are you woobifying tigerstar’’ because i think a villain who feels emotion besides ‘’evil’’ and ‘’angry’’ and actually does care#about his clanmates but is also a bigot that deserves to be beaten down is more interesting than canon#to get like real world political here… abusive people and bigots like. are not one note born evil demons#they have loved ones and reasons for turning out the way they did. and im not saying that to go ‘’so you need to give them grace!’’#im saying that because the line of thinking that every bad person is a super obvious mustache twirling villain with no soul#makes it so that people justify abuse and crimes from REAL people. like ‘’oh my friend says some racist things but he isnt BAD! he loves me!#would an abusive person be nice to his wife in public? of course not!’’#and its rhetoric like that that lets abuse and bigotry thrive. if you put the world in categories of born evil and born good#then you will dismiss all the ‘’good’’ people in your life who have done horrible things with ‘’but she donated to charity once’’#i mean. hell this LITERALLY happens in wc where the ‘’born good’’ characters are abusive and murderously xenophobic#where characters like clear sky and blackstar just get a sticker like ‘’oh you cant be TOO mad at them! theyre good at heart!’’#‘’ignore all the times they killed vulnerable people for the crime of being born somewhere they didnt like! they were nice to a kid once!’’#the message there is literally ‘’bad people cant REALLY be bad if theyre nice to people sometimes’’#like. im not even mad at clear sky being motivated by witnessing his loved ones starve to death for why hes such an abusive control freak#thats an interesting reason to become a villain especially since the change happened when he was put in a position of power#the problem is not him having a sad backstory. the problem is the erins think his sad backstory means he was never that bad#and anyone who’s upset at him can go eat shit and die cause he looked sad#like. i get this line of thinking often comes from writers doing this for abuse apologism and just wanting to see abusers be held accountabl#accountable#but how exactly does it help victims of abuse to portray abusers and bigots in a christian ‘’touched by the devil’’ light
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aaaaaaand it's starting. mom's bestie just texted me asking to come over this weekend cause it's Bad and it's probably the last chance to talk and maybe say goodbye to my mom's husband and i need to take care of her. god. i wont get through this weekend unless im high or drunk istg.
#time to slightly overdose my depression meds again ig lol#anyway. it is a little better with me these last two weeks. turns out the meds do work when you actually take em regularly#but first my best friend's break up that she's blowing up to unimaginable size#acting as if she just got divorced with the love of her life after 20 years#and not ended a few months long relationship with a guy who's been the source of most of her troubles since the moment they started dating#(ofc she's valid and id never tell her that because like. i get it. some people feel stuff more deeply. but its hard to be supportive#when you genuinely feel like this is the best possible outcome for her and that the relationship was only dragging her down all this time)#and now this. and this is gonna be infinitely worse. and then it's gonna get a million times worse when he actually does die.#and i feel like the worst most selfish person ever which like. probably am. but i did tell my cousin who actually knows my mom really well#and she said she understands and that my fears ARE valid because SHE'S terrified of how she's gonna handle my mom#and she wouldn't wanna be me in that situation cause it's gonna be so much worse for me lmao#like i feel like people who know my mother casually really dont understand just how unhinged emotionally she is#anyway. i feel so overwhelmed. i cant handle this jesus.#but im also emotionally unavailable and refuse to actually confide in another person because i dont want to be a bother <3333#god i love tumblr. i can literally type anything in those tags lol it's the perfect form of venting since you can just scroll by#but i will still have let it out of myself anyway uwu i literally dont need that therapy fr#anyway. i feel so unbelievably fucking lonely and on one hand it's my own fault for withdrawing and refusing to ask for help.#but on the other hand. i AM alone. like there's no one who can help me in this particular situation.#i have no siblings. obviously my dad isnt gonna help. it all falls down to me. good god. i wanna throw up.
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Events of last night:
Me: *crying*
My girlfriend: what's wrong?? :(
Me: *struggling to form words* intrusive thoughts are bad... I don't want to talk about them because then I'm scared that they're true and you might think I'm awful
My girlfriend: ah I actually get that. I have those a lot. It doesn't mean anything though, intrusive thoughts are just like dreams. Like the things you do in them aren't really things you want to do, it's just stuff your brain comes up with.
#we then very heavily related over having the same intrusive thoughts and now I'm suspicious#thinking about when i told her i might have ocd and she said i didnt#and starting to feel like thats because... what if we both have ocd#it seems like she was basing her entire knowledge of conditions on people shes known with those conditions. which makes sense#but the person/ people with ocd had severe cleaning compulsions and the like#where as me and her obsess much more over morality#like its very clear we think about it so much. and idk what to do with that information#we both feel like the intrusive thoughts and obsessive ruminating are the only things that keep is from being bad people#or that prevent us from being bad people i guess. idk why that wording is just slightly more accurate#like people who dont think about these things (apparently all 'normal' people since this could be *an actual disorder*)#they're not constantly analyzing. trying to be aware. asking themselves questions about their true nature. judging those answers#theyre not really doing that with other people either. of course i could be wrong since im very clearly not a normal person.#but this is what i mean! im speculating about other people and acknowledging the ways i could be wrong and just trying to figure it all out#but it seems like no one does that and it doesnt *make them* bad people. it just doesn't prevent them from that happening either#like theyre just as likely to hurt people as the 'bad' person thats thinking the same way they are#and i cant ever be comfortable with me living that reality even when *this reality* is a waking nightmare#sure im tearing my skin off (good ole skin picking disorder) when im thinking about these things. sure im crying. sure i can't sleep.#sure it makes me feel like im constantly a horrible person and need to attone for everything ive done and havent done#sure. but then i turn around and say its helping me. because why else would my brain torture me? isnt it always about protecting me?#i don't know. all i know is who i dont want to be and what i dont want. so that exactly what my brain convinces me is real#i guess what it kinda comes to do is#would you rather live a reality where everything around you is superficial. your thoughts behaviors and thoughts. your reactions#all of them are things youre never aware of. you could be hurting people or you could be helping themm#you could even be hurting yourself. but you would never know. its a comfortable reality that youre never really aware of#OR would you rather live a reality aware of all those things. seeking answers and sometimes finding them.#trying your hardest to help others and better yourself and fix the broken things in this world#your reality is one where you recognize every threat that no one else does and it kills you inside because they wont always listen#theyre comfortable and you're stuck in a reality where you try and try and try but even when you succeed#your brain forms its own reality. a metaphorical jail. where you never get to experience the reality you fought so hard for#instead you exist in this sort of purgatory where you live out your own worst fears and the worst ways you could have failed
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the only thing that will make my mood better today is seeing my kids so i hope they show up to our activity 🙄
#my best friend cancelled our meeting because her girlfriend is having a bday lunch with her mom and like.#i get it shes in a long-term committed relationship literally everyone is except for me and she hasnt really been seeing me that much#and i dont want to burden her because shes not working rn to be able to attend full-time group therapy everyday#which is good for her. but i've been asking her if she wants to go out for a drink or to the movies or for a walk#but she does that with everyone else except for me currently :(#shes literally not supposed to be busy if she's off work so for so much time and im just here drowning in my autumn-loneliness-idk what ind#ced depression.#cant even find anything funny to say at the end because it's one of those days when it all seems hopeless#personal
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ykno i think that only ever being told im physically appealing by drs saying i could be prettier if i did this or that or lost weight or by my mom trying to emphasize how im a pretty GIRL to invalidate my desire to be more masculine most of my life probably affected my ability to feel good about my body
#like genuinely i have not been complimented on my looks for a majority of my life by peers#like ive had friends recently like say im slaying or looking good but like in the face kf yhings it doesnt like do anything i guess like#its what friends do#i had a person j used to be friends comlliment me once about me looking hot and sexy and i started feeling nauseus so i dont know what thats#all about so its like would i even want people tk ckmpliment on looking good? do j need that? how does it work why would i need it#when i dont really desire the types of relationships where being attractive matters#if im in my ideal state of mind i dont even register my body its seperate from me and im just my thoughts so i dktn have to think about#my ohysicality but when i have to register myself i just feel ugly but even more it all just feels wrong to have a body at all and thats#prob where the transness comes in tbh#like i dunno is it better for me to have avoided being told over and over that im worthy becuz im attractice as a woman or is that a symptom#kf me just being ugly that nobody ever commented on my body aside from adults daying how cute and ptetty i am and then my mom telling them#that im actually really smart to help me value my mind over my body becuz she grew up being ugly while also thinking shes stupid#like#like all of this to result in me being ugly no matter what way i cut it and i cant even bring myself to care much about it most of them time#even tho it feels mishapen in my mind as a feeling#its like bad and i look at myself in the mirror and i feel bad i look bad my face is wrong and its like the strongest feeling i feel some#days for those brief seconds i see myself and then j look away and it goes away and im back to having normal bland brain waves#its kinda fucked
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im literally always giving my younger sisters advice even i dont take 😔😔
#one time my youngest sister was watching i forgot if it was a tv series or reality show but the woman wanted the guy to pay for her meal#and she was complaining like why is she being so mengada like pay for it yourself etc#and im like no! if a guy take u out on a date and doesnt want to pay hes a waste of time#but i literally almost never let my person pay for me 🤡#yesterday another sister called and asked if she could call this guy when theyve stopped talking for a while#because she just really wanna talk to the guy and she hasnt found anyone else who she enjoys talking to so much#BUT he was an ass like who tf does he think he is to treat my sister like that#so i said to her like yeah this is hard etc but dont contact him. this is just smth u have to go thru#or whatever#and she will meet other people who will make her feel good who won't treat her like that#but erm anyway EYE could too but i cant let go etc etc#but she should move on from him but like take some time. tho i couldnt do that lol
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im still conflicted about my placements for the little shop of horrors at the moment
#talking#CLICK SEE ALL IF YOU DARE.#norman as seymour is like. accurate because Look At Him you cant tell me he wouldnt get himself into that mess.#but at the same time ramona would fit the role really well also [“strange plants are my hobby”]#but ramona ALSO works for mr. mushnik#and i want to cast vannie as audrey ii because i mean its just really good. you eat blood audrey ii how am i supposed to keep feeding you#but if ramona was seymour it would make sense for me to cast sunny as audrey ii because of the outer space aspect of its character#and dont even get me started on the placements for audrey. if norman was seymour my first thought is obviously gonna be trip as audrey#because like at first glance its like Yeah that makes sense#but at a further glance NO IT DOESNT!!! audrey is shown to be fantasizing about wanting to move to a suburbia which trip canonically HATES#BUT!! at a FURTHER glance theres that shared aspect of wanting to get out of that awful town with the person you love!#so that part does check out! however if trip was cast as audrey then who would orin be? my thought for that would be debbie and i would jus#change the part where theyre like romantic because. ew. AND that would make sense because of the fact she would get eaten#by vannie specifically in this scenario. HOWEVER#if we're gonna roll with that and just change their relationship to each other i would ALSO have to change the fact that at the end#of the musical where SPOILER audrey dies and shes like “i want you to feed me to the plant” because trip would not take that shit lying dow#BUT!! if im okay with changing peoples relationships to each other then technically if i wanted the orin thing to still work how it was#intended to then TECHNICALLY fern could get cast as audrey as well and him and norman could be hashtag platonic#but outside of miranda being cast as orin it wouldnt actually fit at all#anyway the reason im leaning more towards the norman/vannie/trip iteration#other than the fact that im more focused on those characters at the moment#is that with the ramona/sunshine iteration i have no idea who audrey would be because i havent really explored ramonas relationships#with other people as much outside of sunny and mina#and while mina fits the audrey personality a whole lot it wouldnt really work with the way her and ramona's dynamic is canonically#sigh. its a hard life for me. sorry for typing about this in the tags so much
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Constantly torn between writing a character to be just a nice guy and writing that character to be the most fucked up creature in existence
#the klock keeps ticking#like theres a line at some point where you cant make this all one guy but you just. really want to#like yeah lets say we got some fucked up guy who tries really hard to be nice and sweet despite the horrors#but you know what if i want him to get kinda bitchy too cuz how can i expect him not to be? hes been through some shit and hes only human#but how bitchy can i make him before he just kinda becomes an asshole#i guess though people are pretty complicated so sometimes its just kinda like that#i must once again hail rebecca gales as the character ever like girl shes sooooo#shes so genuinely sweet and caring and attentive and shes so bitter selfish and jealous#shes gotta make like the biggest effort to be nice and simultaneously the biggest effort to be mean#its just so refreshing to see idk someone who is generally a good person but shes really fucked up about it#like this doesnt come easy to her! everything in her wants to act like a petty child!#and she does! shes really fucking immature and she thinks shes above it all when shes the worst out of everyone!#and thats just such a nice thing to see just a very human character#and shes just like me for real aaaaaa god like guys this freaking character has helped me cope so bad#like shes not a monster shes just. a person having a bad day and not coping very good#yeah this post wasnt even about her but I made it about her now ive just been thinking about rebecca a lot lately OKAY#we cant all be perfect sometimes we just gotta be rebecca at least im brave enough to admit it#anyways i have pretty similar tangents about ryuki shin marianne shinjiro and junpei
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Im watching mitchell vs the machines and its hitting too close to home
#i love katie#even though my father is very supportive of my artistic side#im constantly hiding parts of myself and my hobbies i c#in a way that i cant not fear being judged and isolated if i shared them#im katie if katie had hid all the quirky and weird stuff#also i just lowkey hate the dad im sorry#im not a big part of how they are trying to blame her for wanting to get away#she finally found her people a place she fit in a place she wanted to be#and snap no you are my daughter family blah blah family is more important than your happiness’s#the worst part is that i just KNOW theyre going to be like And see that roadtrip was good anyway and if we hadnt gone#the world would have ended#but what the dad did with the roadtrip wil NEVER be right#and yes i have a long rant about this and it#but i cant really finish it before i have actually watched the entire movie#its not the movies fault its just what the dad did and i know that was never meant to be good#i just dont like how they’re painting katie in relation to that#you know about when it comes to screens#screens are a great thing in sooooo many ways let people have them#bc someone uses a screen does make them the bad person#just bc someones best way to life quality is a screen doesnt make them a bad person#just bc someone wants to get away from their family and parents doesn’t make them a bad person#let her live let her be herself#let her be with her people#ofc you should try mending family bonds and work things out with your family#and spend time with your family#but if you bad does something like that#especially without telling or asking you#i would almost consider that abusive ( ofc that depends a lot on what else he does as well but still)#that gets painted as a way less bad thing than it actually is#bc oh look family quality time
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i uhhmmmmm may or may not take a break from just like writing for a couple days like im just gonna lay off on it cuz the fucking thoughts are back and ruining everything and i dont feel like im even a good writer (no skill lololol) so ya sorry
(tw: vent in the tags)
#i try to keep my negative thoughts off my blog but i kinda need to vent#i just.. my life feels ruined by my asshole father#it feels like no one really loves me#there are people that do. my brain just ignores it#i have someone who loves me very much platonically#but it still feels like she doesnt#she says she does#it doesnt really feel like i matter that much to anyone#i dont know if i want to stop hurting like this#the thoughts are back again though#they never stop coming back#i feel so alone. i just wanna disappear#im so pathetic. my writing isnt even good#im not good at anything really. i seem to fuck everything up and ruin everything i do. i cant even be normal to people#i dont even know when to stop sometimes. i frustrate myself.#tw vent#personal vent#echo rambles#i wish i could just shut up sometimes but i dont even know how to do that#i hate myself#i really do
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do you think yaz would like it if either dysfunctional timelord would come to her in obvious distress, like regardless of her ability to really Fix the source of distress do you think she’d be secretly thrilled? do you think her enjoyment of that scenario would go up the more honest and willing their display of distress was?
#thinking about it rotating it in my mind#it's not gonna change anything about how im writing her/them/this situation bc i think im writing yaz mostly as how she is in the show#but she also doesnt really get much opportunity to help like people who are asking for it. especially people she cares about#bc she has sort of a 'i can fix her' thing. i think? not as much as maybe other comapnions. or maybe in another way#but it's there bc shes a doctor mirror so it's like. the doctor thinks that if they can fix the master they can fix themself#and yaz thinks that if she can fix the doctor she can fix herself#not really exactly that but like. thats the gist right? like their own apotheosis is based on if they can Help#in a specific way/a specific person/a specific person in a specific way#bc yaz isnt like. a people person. shes not a natural with people (hashtag autistic yaz) but like#being ASKED. being SHOWN. being willingly shown by someone she cares about that they are in distress#being TRUSTED in that way. i think she'd love that#also being needed! it's being needed. i thnk she needs that like the doctor does#especially i think she wants the doctor to need her. maybe to make it equal? to make the relationship feel more equal?#maybe another reason idk#but im just thinking about like how she'd feel if either 13 or missy like. sorta willingly showed her that vulnerability#i dont think she'd be HAPPY exactly. but she'd feel wanted and needed and valued and trusted and all those things are good#and she can never help i think. the problems i make 13 and missy come to her with are not problems she can solve#but thats also not really what they come to her with. it's more like just. to rest.#bc they can get a lot from each other but it's rarely really rest#i think they can feel at home with each other but i dont think they can ever entirely rest. they cant entirely let their guard down#they cant take their masks off entirely bc theyre sharing the masks#but with yaz each of them individually Can kinda do that#yaz can see each of them in a way they cant see each other and she dOESNT KNOW THAT but ohh boy imagine if she did#i wrote a scene yesterday where in a moment like this yaz did too much like what the doctor would do and it broke her relationship withmissy#so im not keeping that bc i want this relationship to stay the way it is now if i needed another thoschei i wouldnt be writing yaz/missy#but this is why that was i think. yaz is like the doctor except with missy shes not the doctor and thats important#and missy is like yaz wrt the doctor but with yaz shes not the master and that is also important
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Anyways shout out to Brady for being my new poor little meow meow she is simply my silly lil guy with Issues™
#rat rambles#oc posting#hes the eel girl's older sister that kinda abandoned her#brady is kinda fundimentally convinced that like every person that it believes has reason to hate it does and that it both deserves it but#is also deeply terrified of concequence and is very defensive so it has a habit of assuming the worst of ppls intentions and treating them#based off of those assumptions#she wants to be a good person she really really does but she just cant believe that she can be so shes very defeatist on self improvement#she was almost working towards having a better self esteem after helping reform a town but after her sister showed up she freaked out and#attacked her injuring her pretty badly#his friends maintained faith in him though and helped him escape town which is where we first start seeing him as a secondary pov#the eel girl originally planned on killing bradly thanks to feeling deeply betrayed by it leaving without her but had a Character Arc™ and#became more and more hesitant abt the idea before ultimately reluctantly deciding against it#which is good for her but sadly bradly still needed to work through Some Shit so it ended in violence anyways#theres more stuff after this but I wanna more do develop brady's friend group before I set too much in stone
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itd be so cool if the shitty people in my life were not shitty and were actually slightly decent
#the bin#:/ i wanna stop feeling horrible abt shit with my sister but it makes me so angry and upset ALL the time#im so fucked up abt this. how could i not be. i guess. hhhhh. i dont know what to do. it sucks so much.#its so hard to deal with the aftermath of a deeply abusive relationship in general. and when you cant talk to anyone about it or tell#anyone who knows that person. and you have to continue to be nice or at least civil with them. probably forever.#that SUUUUCKS. she is so awful. shes always been awful. i want to heal from that experience but i feel like im still stuck#probably mostly because im literally physically stuck 1000 miles away from everyone else i know in a place where shes the only person i know#but even after that i think ill still feel so stuck. theres a lot of things she has that i really need to get from her before i do anything#that might make her mad at me. i want to delete our stupid chat full of uncomfortable shit vut thats gonna piss her off#she has a lot of pictures of me from when i was younger and those are pretty much the only pictures of me from then#i can barely even remember those years. id like to get those if i can. also i wanna see if i can convince her to delete all the weird videos#she took of me without my consent while i was having psychotic episodes bc like. what the fuck. AND i know she literally just shows them#to her friends and laughs at them bc shes told me she does. which is very upsetting. and if i can get her to delete them id feek so much#better and not be upset over that all the time#i just cant get iver how much she fucking sucks. she does so much fucked up shit and its so awful. why would she ever think its ok ti record#me when im not in a good headspace. without telling me. and then upload it to her snapchat also without telling me#i only found out about her doing that originally because she decided to show me some of the funny things people said about me on the#video i didnt even know existed and had no memory of what happened. she loves to claim shes so chill and nice and good about mental#illness and she understands it so much and would never ever do anything weird and ableist like that. and then does that.#i feel so much worse abiut myslef and all the behaviors i have caused by my myriad of mental shit specifically because of her#ugh i am so not looking forward to being in a car with her for 20 hours when i move. but thats how it has to be.
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people's s/o tell their partners oh yeah you should meet my friends
meanwhile, 100% of my usual friend group... are his friends too.
#// rambles#hes told me that i should make friends who are not his friends#but everyone ends up being his friend too#i literally talk to this guy all day. then the two idiots. and thats it#plus hannah#but like hannah and daniel and i are like the math buddies#and hes like since when do you talk to aliyah#like yes i talk to aliyah now. but still like most of my irl friends are also. his friends. strangely#i didnt even know he and joan and noah knew each other but turns out they're in the same art class#AND I DIDNT EVEN KNOW HE KNEW JUSTIN TOO#SO REALLY WE JUST KNOW ALL THE SAME FOLKS#except he knows more folks than me#...#i think jiyoon didnt want to be his friend freshman year#so like. does she count#the thing is. making friends is hard#i literally broke down once because he and our friends were going to watch ghibli movies together and i was not invited#not that they exclude me im just not in their art class and it was their art class group#and i dont talk to anyone much besides my bf and noa and rats 003 and 013#ugghghgh i feel like sumin and i could be good friends tho#we met in japanese club but she's so funnnn to be around in person the few times we talk#except i have no way to contact her#in college i need to find my cs girl besties#our college friends wont be the same so yah#i cant belive im probably going to the same place as rts 003 and 013... and then my bf will be going to the city#thats what probably will happen#in any case like i cant believe im going w those mf
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