#she makes me laugh so hard all the time
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Showing my best friend who's had to listen to two years of pirate brainrot pictures of the #OurFlagMeansDeath crew and getting her first impression thoughts and observations: a thread. 🧵 of 9 ⬇️
First up:
"I know that one, you've shown me your weird porn of him. He's got a new coat, and he's really happy about it but the guy behind him is like 'ahhh the label's still on it.'
'Oh it's Leslie Jones. Pretty much, that's just Leslie Jones looking great. She just turned up on set and they were like 'wow you look sick af' and then she was in it because she looked so fly. No one cast her, the camera just turned on.'
'OK, so someone's just told him 'I don't like this lasagne you made' and he's like 'it's my mother's recipe, how dare you! My nonna's spaghetti! She gone be so upsetti!'
'OK so this guy just turned up in one of those fast fashion shops for tweens and was like 'oh, finally, belly shirts are really in right now.''
Me: What do you think his name is?
Her, *whispered*: ...Fernando.
'This guy just fell over. It's really unfortunate. He's just really clumsy. Someone left something out on deck and he went 'whoopsie doodle!''
Me: you're actually pretty close to the truth.
Her, guessing wildly: 'oh boy, what a day to be... captain... smiggs?'
'Taylor.'
Me: just Taylor?
'Taylor... Swifts. Undercover. She wants to be on a boat now. She loves boats. Nautical-core. I don't know, I just looked at her and at first, tailor of suits, but then nope - Taylor of songs.'
'Oh this guy's a mime.'
Me: what do you think his role in the crew is?
Her: just a shit mime. He's just here so when they play charades he just wipes the floor with the rest of the crew.
'Someone's just gone in the bathroom, he was like 'urgh I really needed to go' and now he's sad. He's sad because he needed a shit. He's wondering whether to just go in the sea.
Me: where else would it go?
Her: like in a corner. I know how ships work, I've been on a cruise.
'Have you seen Ratatouille? It's like that, the seagull is controlling that guy. He makes the foodfor the ship, but all the food's just raw regurgitated fish, like a fucked up sushi bar.'
And, scene.
#Just imagine me whistling like a tea kettle through all of this#she makes me laugh so hard I nearly vomit.#ofmd#ofmd crack#our flag means death#ofmd meme#i guess#maybe.#silly times at the el revenge
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it’s all the rest of what i want with you
connor dewar/brandon duhaime :: 8k
Summary:
“Brandon,” Connor says with a sigh. “There’s no baby in there.”
“Not yet,” Brandon says. Connor feels his stomach twist, almost like what he would imagine a baby kicking to feel like.
in these trying times of dewvorce, may i offer you 8k of pwp inspired by @stillfertile’s wonderful art which i had. several breakdowns about 🫶 anyway please enjoy!!!
#OFFICIAL FIC ANNOUNCEMENT 🗣️🗣️🗣️‼️‼️‼️ i wish i had pretty fic graphics but alas i have No Skill and also. so much work i should be doing bu#HI SHE’S HERE i would love to say this is a complete surprise drop except i have Anxiety & i needed to ask you guys about it beforehand#in my defense i started writing this in like. january far before any tragedy occurred#because square asked about my tags on their dewey2 art and she spawned like. a million more thoughts about it#including the part where i got absolutely kicked in the face with the lightning vision of those two lines.#like those two lines are the first actual lines of the fic i wrote ajdhkwdiowdjiw ANYWAY please be nice to me i know i am always like#‘this is not the first real fic i ever thought i’d post’ and if i had a nickel i’d have three but this is the first pwp i’ve ever posted#and it’s 8k and it’s not a fic for an exchange (although technically i did very much write this for the dewey^2 hivemind so.)#i have SO many things to say i have so many comments on this doc also i couldn’t pick a title for the LONGEST time and i finally decided on#this one but the full quote was too long:#all the rest of what i want with you that scares me shitless#so. i was angling SO hard to make a yung gravy lyric as a title bc i saw the video of him at a wild game but i couldn’t find a good one#and instead y’all got a very sentimental title l m a o.#liv in the replies#shout out to the extended universe this lives in and also my unhinged comments in the docs.#if you liked fun fuck a baby in him friday i’ll be here all week i promise i am the exact same in the comments as i am in the tags 🫡#the NUMBER of times i wrote something in this by pulling it out of my ass and then actually went back and did the research & was RIGHT is.#far too high. also the amount of coincidental things that dropped while i was writing this (yung gravy song about pregnancy AFTER i wheeze#laughed myself into a yung gravy title the athletic player poll confirming my restaurant & bar choices from googling ‘st. paul good bars’…)#also if anybody got advice on formatting for these little announcements. help. this is different from my miro/luka one &i’m still not happy
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Dabi is surprisingly a lightweight. You honestly would’ve never figured by looking at him, but as you think back on it, you’ve never really seen him drink a lot. Not when there were celebratory parties, or when things didn’t go right for him. It’s why you’re so shocked when you convince two shots into his system, why he suddenly looks so loose, why his grin splits so wide.
He’s a clinger, you’ve also learned as you’ve started observing the blue eyed man where he shoves his face into the crook of your neck. His body bends over almost uncomfortably to fit into the position, and you can’t help but flinch a little when his damp breath blows a quiet little raspberry on your flesh.
omg wait my favorite thought is of you not even necessarily being a heavyweight, you can just handle your liquor a little better than anyone expects. you love to knock back drink after drink, convince Dabi into some stupid competition that he falls for because he’s such a little nerd and secretly wants to impress you. he does it thinking you’ll be the drunk one first, the one hanging off of his arm and hopefully his dick by the end of the night.
it belatedly shocks him when it’s the exact opposite. when he’s slurring a little and smiling at you, when you watch him through low eyes with a wide grin, when he wraps himself around you like a python, when you shake his face gently as you squish his cheeks together in hand. he’s just so utterly obsessed with you in these moments, and maybe it’s the liquor in him, but he knows his lowered inhibitions are only bringing forth the feelings he’s always suppressed.
drunk sex with Dabi where he’s the one too loose limbed and limp and weak. he flops onto bed like some rag doll with his arms and legs spread wide, but he musters up enough strength to release the heavy weight of his cock from its confinements. doesn’t do much besides lift his head from the pillows with a point to his crotch and a lazy grin, an announcement of, go ahead and hop on already before he’s flopping back down again, ready to lay back and get fucked like how he knows he deserves.
#at first I wrote about him getting whisky dick and not even realizing it and being so embarrassed about it the next morning#but it made me laugh too hard and I was like#no one will enjoy that dude shut up AJSHDKDJDJD#but omg lightweight baby that can only cling to you and whine to go back to your room to fuck#only to pass out immediately on the bed lmfao#I love him I’m gonna str*ngle him so bad#anyway I finished all my work for the week and now I feel empty so I will be moving onto next weeks work tomorrow LOL NERD#but everything next week is simple too so why not get it out the way ya know????#after that I might sit down and actually write another fic since it’s been a little minute#everyone voted for therapist obsessed bkg next but I kinda wanna write something emotional for touya now lmfao#I’m becoming so obsessed with him and it HURTS!!!!!#I can only handle one ☝🏻 at a time or else I start getting the shakes#also omg my regular dr is making me go to the heart dr bc she said my anxiety worries her for my physical condition aksjdj embarrassing#okay bye I’m gonna read a little and sleep#—new treat in the streets! 🍫#dabi treats! 🍬#tw: alchohol mention
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am i the only one who sensed some jilted lover vibes from jensen?
#burcon#cockles#thoughts#at the start of the panel and through a few particular interactions he seemed very standoffish#he was giving a little bitter and hurt and perhaps even resentful - maybe he only learned of misha's gf#at this con too! maybe it was news to him. on top of not seeing misha for months i can understand#if he was feeling a bit neglected and out of the loop. there's also the matter of misha's gf not being#in a poly thing with jensen and dee like vicki was ie. what she has with misha is seperate so i'm sure#that's another difficult thing to deal with knowing their time together is strictly separate#i've no doubt he wants misha to have a partner and be happy but there's an adjustment period#letting new people into your life and whoever misha's partner is now or in the future is going to#affect jensen on a personal level and moreover his relationship with misha. it's all very intriguing#and while i like what little i've seen and heard about this woman for misha i just think no matter who#she is it's going to take a toll on jensen's relationship w misha. i thought it was plain to see on jensen's face#during their panel: numerous moments where he was giving a poker face that wasn't covering a laugh#but instead like he was trying to smooth out his bitterness. or so my eyes and brain and heart tell me.#just various moments where things looked uncomfortable and jensen making off-colour jokes that didn't land#and which furthermore were barbed and snarky - not in their usual banter way but like he was lashing out#and using the excuse of chaotic panel convo to explain away his comedic pitfalls. but again maybe i'm#looking to much into it? idk. there are some lovely moments! fun and caring moments - but they#mainly came from misha's direction ngl. it seemed like misha was trying hard to keep the peace#while jensen was just running his mouth on comments and jokes that kept not landing - for me#everyone on my dash is loving their dynamic this panel - and i want to feel that love! it is possible that#learning misha has a gf has skewed my perception a little like i'm putting context onto moments#i otherwise wouldn't. but i also think i would've laughed and generally felt better watching their panel#if that was the case. idk. whatever the reason i do think something was OFF between them on stage#and it was coming from jensen from the start. misha picked up on it partway though but things felt#a little strained throughout. like jensen wasn't looking at misha as much as usual or reaching out for him#misha tried to salvage and not react to things. but both their answers to the last Q were passive aggressive af#and when they left the stage together they weren't close or touching or chatting like they usually are...
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can we actually take a moment and remember swan upon leda? can we actually shut the fuck up and sit the fuck down and think about our lord and savior swan upon leda because i'm tired of doing it alone every single day guys
#the title itself!!! THE FUCKING TITLE#swan UPON leda#god he's an actual genius THANK U HOZIER SO FUCKING MUCH#i hate how that myth is portrayed and received and objectified bc they make it out to be such a funny little chuckle story like 'hahaha led#is SO easy that she fell for a swan isn't that actually the funniest thing you've ever heard omg like women are literally so easy to please#whatever whatever blahblahblah yes that's fucking hilarious matthew thank u SO much for that absolutely fascinating commentary on a women#getting raped by a god really truly an amazing insight into ur pea fucking brain#like fuck sorry but i just absolutely despises how this myth is made out to be and i remember learning abt it in class and being literally#nauseated bc guess fucking what it's literally not hard to understand wtf is happening and while u r laughing away about i repeat a WOMEN#getting RAPED some fucking of us have brain enough to be mortified#jesus ANYWAY#hozier dropped that song after roe v wade was over turned and i just i love him so fucking much he cares SO MUCH and before anything else#he's an activist and he actually gives a shit about women's rights and he dropped this song as a comfort as something to hold onto but also#as a social commentary and he linked charities and resources to help women and keep them safe and this song just means everything to me#bc greek mythology often gets reduced to children stories bc most ppl know myths from children books and obviously a book for kids not gonn#outloud say the word rape or even imply that that's what's happening and that's fine ig but bc so many ppl know it from there it gets#reduces to a joke and a raped women gets ridiculed but hozier actually took one of the few poems about leda being raped and it being a rape#at all and made it into a song during a time that was so traumatizing for ever afab person in the world basically and it just says 'i see#you i see what you're going through and i'm listening and i actually care and i want to help you' and he's helping by writing a song yes bc#he's spreading the word that way bc that's how movements are spread and people listen to him when he's singing and that's how he helps and#i did i mention that i love him? bc i'd actually do anything for him and to meet him and tell him how much he fucking means to me#the line that always gets me is 'a crying CHILD pushes a CHILD into the night' bc yes she was a fucking child who had to deliver 4 KIDS BC#AN ASSHOLE DECIDED SHE WAS PRETTY ENOUGH TO FUCK and nobody ever cares that she was just a child and her child helen was just a child when#she was abducted and raped and impregnated (JUST LIKE HER MOTHER) by theseus a supposed great hero and im genuinely sick she was just a#child like so many women or girls in greek mythology and ik it was a different time back then or wtv but they were just GIRLS and nobody#cared about that or cares now. but this song does.#bc of course it does it's hozier.#hozier#swan upon leda
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i genuinely love my mom so much but its also like you are the most confusing person ever
#i dnt wanna overshare cuz i always do that lol but mothers day is coming upp... uh. soon#so i guess im just thinking about her. i genuinely love her so much. as alwayz its hard tho#she is also the funniest woman in the world to me. most people would say shes a horrible person#shes just rough around the edges. idk#one time she pointed at a couple outside and wz like “those two are so ugly; its like they were made for each other!!”#is it bad that i find humor in her meanness? shes just like. so funny to me#her negativity makes me laugh i guess xD#and if shes nice to you she genuinely means it. I think i love my mom a lot bc i see a lot of myself in her#shes very “split up” like me her opinions change all the time and im like. me too!!!#yes she can be fake but i think she genuinely does “flip/switch” a lot the way i do#and i never met anyone else other than my mom who so openly did that yknow#she can love and hate you at the same time. she simutaneously will love animals and hate them. gay ppl. ect#she seems to idk. be really inconsistent and fragmented like me and only now do I see it#i love my mom. i cant help it even with everything thats happened its like how can i not love someone who held me in her jacket#as it snowed outside before school? i cling so hard to that memory#i will be seeing family 2 times this month but i feel quite at peace with it right now#in april i was not thrilled at all but today im feeling some peace
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sometimes i think about the fact my grandparents literally overnight just cut us off and im like. how did u even do that. does it torment you
#eeaao's 'how did you let me go so easily' moment. like i dont let myself even THINK about this too often#bc i immediately beat myself back with the 'if it's hard for you then imagine how hard it is for mum. her PARENTS cut her off'#but like. idk. my nan i couldn't give less of a shit about which is something i always find so interesting#bc even as a child with NO basis for it or any understanding of her behaviour both past and present i still wasn't Comfortable around her#like children are smart actually. i just Knew her vibes were off and i Knew my mum was weird when she was around#like i truly dont think i ever loved my nan even when she was a very frequent part of my life#but my grandad? i ADORED him. id see him multiple times a week and he's the kindest man ive ever met#and hannah what i told you about my mum saying certain people have magnetic auras THAT WAS ABOUT HIM#like i cant actually put into words what it was about him but people just wanted to know him and spend time with him#but he was weak and let my nan walk all over him and when push came to shove he chose her and now ive not spoken to him in 3 years#& i KNOW he loved me. he thought the world of me like it's a bitter unspoken thing between me & my sister that we KNOW i was his favourite#he used to buy me egg butties at agricultural shows when my mum said no and specifically ask for two eggs#he used to sit and eat his soup with me when he came over to do work at the house#he used to play with me. he used to smile all the time. i can so clearly hear the way he'd go ''iya [my name]' with his proper rural accent#or how he'd tell anyone who would listen 'she's tough as old boots that one'#and i could make him laugh like NO ONE else could and he'd light up and go 'give over' and he genuinely enjoyed my company#i KNOW HE DID. and i havent spoken to him in 3 years. he'll be dead soon#and i cant talk to my mum about it bc it's her DAD it is so much worse for her and i cant talk to my sister about it#bc she wasn't close with him like i was and she just shuts the conversation down and those are the only two people#who know my grandad and know what he meant to me so im just here like. he literally stopped speaking to me overnight#i stopped hearing from him i stopped meeting up with him im so so angry with him the love is still there i dont know where to put it now#why couldnt he stay. why did he pick her when she's a loveless void of inhumanity. why werent we enough#hella goes home#my grandparents on my dad's side are also not in the picture funnily enough but idgaf about them. she got that grandparentless swag
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love is beautiful.
#oh my god i love my girlfriend. oh my god.#i’m going to cry. i love her so hard and she loves me so hard too. peace and love on planet earth.#we’re silly together we’re there for each other she helps me out of spirals she laughs at my jokes she wants to do things for me just so i#don’t have to do them i want to buy everything in the world for her and make her happy all the time and hear her laugh and see her smile#reymbles#gf posting
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#me? about to use tumblr as a diary again? in 2024? unfortunately:/#but here have a waterfall i saw on a hike last week as payment#i am sO tired and exhausted emotionally after dating#there's this guy that i fr thought was going to last and be around for a long time. we spent like every moment together that we could for 2#months straight and if we werent physicaly together we were texting or calling or on ft . just every part of our day had the other in it#not once did i ever feel unwanted undesired or uncared for. not once did i feel that i wasnt sure of his intentions. i felt safer with him#in those 2 months than i ever did with any one else i could think to compare to.#until one day he just didnt think it important to communicate any more. after 3 days of nearly nothing .. hardly any talking . i asked if#he was ok if we were ok. what was going on in his head. he said some ive just been with my buddies and family and havent been on my phone#and just. immediately thats heartbreak yanno. thats :// thats what they say when theres a new girl. but there'd never been a reason to think#there was another girl so i was like ok we're gonna trust bc this dude has been So good in every way. so i said imy but i understand. enjoy#your time with your buddies and with your fam -- i cant wait to hear about it (and hold you)#and i havent heard from him in the 3 weeks since. just randomly#so last night#i send the dreaded 'i miss you' text.#i dont expect to hear back and i accept the hurt that will come with that and the confusion that i've felt settles deeper into my heart#until this afternoon i hop on ig and see a hard launch that was posted an hour after my text was sent#that shit kinda hurt different. but also sent me into a bit of a delirious state where all i could do is laugh bc are you for fucking real#did she see my message? i know it. bc i know him and i know that he wouldnt hide anything from the person he's giving his heart#and his softness to. i can almost imagine how he showed her and promised her theres nothing to worry about#and there really isnt anything to worry about because he genuinely is the type to give his all to the relationship he's in#which feels silly to say after what happened w us. like no there wasnt a title ever#it sucks to call it a situationship because a month ago we were laughing in bed together about how we could never bc we were all in.#just the timing of the hard launch makes me giggle. did my text push them to have a conversation about what they are. was she really the#reason that he went away on me.#im trying not to blame myself . trying not to think about the phone calls i didnt answer. about what i could have done differently. trying#not to think about where we would be if i didnt let my anxieties hold me back. if i wasnt scared about what he'd think of the parts of me#that i keep hidden just a little bit longer than the rest.#and at the same time im trying not to put him on a pedestal. but that pedestal is just where i wholeheartedly believe he belongs#he set the bar for me. he set the standard. i was never too much. i was never too little. he made me feel perfect just as i am
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still thinking about chiyo showing up in a calcifer costume while convincing your muse to be sophie or howl :' )))
#also chiyo dressed up as chihiro from spirited away.... or as no face for the laughs ASDFGH#tbh chiyo will pick silly and cute costumes bc they make others happy when they see her dressed up#she likes making others laugh and accepting 'you look cute/silly/etc' is much easier than hearing someone call her#pretty#anyway anyway i feel a lil overwhelmed so i'm gonna take a minute#i'm just having a hard time focusing and taking little steps#all i can see is the big list of things i need to catch up on and it makes me wanna curl up in a ball rn oh man#get ready to ramble | ooc
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I had yet another long, strenuous day yesterday and didn't finish work until super late and then I couldn't fall asleep until well past 2am cuz I was in so much pain from standing literally all day
#what made it worse was the client I spent most of my day with was a brand new client. and she booked super last minute#so I wasnt mentally prepared for doing a 5 hour color. and her natural hair was already pretty light so I had to foil foil foil. go back.#pull out first couple foils. foil foil foil. go back. pull out the next few.#over and over and over.#and her hair was so fucking long. and so fucking thick.#and after the first hour she wouldn't talk. like I like my silence so I don't fight it much#but every now and then I would try to engage with her. I'd say something and she would straight up ignore me. no acknowledgment.#which makes me feel anxious cuz it's like jesus... does she hate me?? did I piss her off somehow?#even when I finished her hair (it looked fucking amazing no lie. one of my best highlights yet.) she had next to no reaction to it#she was like 'it looks fine. I mean good. it's good.' completely deadpan#I laughed it off and was like yeah it's been a long day girl! but it looks amazinggg on you!!#no response. deep inhale. alright.#whatever tho.#when I did finally get off work I stopped @ bojangles cuz I was lightheaded and hadn't eaten since morning#and when I tell you I almost broke down into tears cuz there were so many people crowding the goddamn pickup area.#and so many bizarre conversations going on. genuinely felt like I was in some form of hell#like my feet hurt. my back hurts. I'm tired. I didn't get the validation I like to have over a 5 hour transformative color.#I'm hungry and there are two elderly women blocking the pickup counter. one is hard of hearing so she keeps yelling HUH???#and the other only speaks in soft baby whispers. that goes as well as you can imagine.#there's a man behind me grilling an employee abt whether or not he goes to church. he starts witnessing to him#and the employee says 'I've never thought about it like that before' no less than 4 times.#there's a child in front of me playing tiktoks @ full volume. and this is all happening simultaneously.#I really considered just leaving without my food but I knew I needed to eat and didnt have anything at home so I stuck it out#was it worth it? no. bojangles honestly sucks these days but what's a girl gonna do.#got home and tried to pass out but nope. tossed and turned all night.#put on hot n cold patches to try to soothe the pain a little. didn't work cuz one pain would be eased a bit and another pain would take over#blahhhhhh#and now. I get to do it all over again! yippeeeeeee!!!!!!!!
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10, 26, and 27 please!!! 🧡🧡
Ahhhh! Yay! Thanks anon you're the best!
10) Pick an element for them! What is it?
For Jean, that's kind of a tough one but it'd probably be lightning! It's quick and flashy! I think she'd like the feeling of the crackle too! Plus she wouldn't need an Amp anymore! She would be the Amp!
26) What are their loved/liked gifts?
Oh! This isn't something I've thought a lot about! So thanks for asking this one!
Loved: Honey, pins and patches, stupid stickers, anything she can wear that will remind her of you, home cooked meals! (She cannot cook for shit, please help her.),
If you give her cds and records, she's on one knee with a ring out. Congratulations.
Liked: Any cool rock you find, plants (the only reason this isn't love, is because she's afraid she'll kill it and it'll make her sad), guitar picks, and energy drinks!
27) What are their hated/disliked gifts?
Again! Not something I thought about! This one is gonna be tricky Jean's not usually a picky person! She's just happy you thought of her.
Hated: anything too expensive - she's not a fan of people spending too much money on her, money (she'd rather you just keep it and use it on yourself)
Oh! Nuts! She's allergic! So she'll die. (Because that stupid ass will want to eat them very badly.)
Dislikes: Most gems (again, it's a bit too much. It's not that she doesn't appreciate it. It's just..not her style). Books (again, not that she doesn't appreciate it, she just won't have the time to read it.) She can't read.
And then probably things like mugs? She's never home so again it's another gift that will just collect dust.
#oc ask list#ask list#oc ask meme#ask game#oc lore#Jean Wellman#oooooh dude this is so much fun!#had me thinking!!#I have a hard time imagining Jean dislike/hating anything#went off the old stardew logic#like if you gave her one of those things#you'd never know#because she'd do everything in her power to try to like it#a lot of her disliked gifts are just there because she feels bad#they're stuff she wouldn't get to use so it would just be forgotten#and that sucks!#I could go on for days about her spoiling you though#if you mention liking a shit she's got her wallet out and asking you what color you want it in!#she loves buying things for people#especially if it's something silly or stupid#like if she finds an ugly antique and it makes her laugh#she's buying it and someone's getting it#matching bracelets and necklaces#if she can put in a piercing that makes her think of you?#raaaaah she's all about it#Jean just loves her friends and people#material things that hold memories#that's where it's at baby#the element question was fun too!#thinking about her shooting lighting is fun
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mother: "theres this great job where you'd be on-call to come in!"
me: "ahhh i don't really want to be on-call, that would stress me out a lot because I'd always be on edge,,"
mother: "no you wouldn't, you could make it your thing!"
me: "...my thing?"
mother: "being on call! it'd be great! :)"
me: "i would probably be crying like... a lot ahaha. because I would always be on edge never knowing when to expect having to go into work, yknow?"
mother: "nooo, you could just make it a thing!"
me: "sorry, what do you mean by thing?"
AND I NEVER FOUND OUT !!
#i feel very ill fdsjkl tonight was ... not good#not the worst definitely not the worst#just. a lot of diet talk and making fun of other ppl that she expected us to all laugh at (and we did. idk if they found it funny.)#and brother labelling some influencer having rape charges against him just ''internet drama''#number one: i dont want to hear about that. number two: that is not just ''drama'' that is like. serious. what the fuck is wrong w youuuu#my mother will say that all the food i eat is very bad for me and do that while knowing full well i struggle to eat Anything#and say that simply Adding things to the diet is pointless bc ur poisoning urself still! u have to Take Out things! i cant fucking do that!#im still baffled that two years ago when i tried to go to them for help when i was almost fainting from not eating they just shrugged at me#''okay? why are u telling us this?'' BECAUSE YOU ARE MY PARENTS. AND I AM TRYING TO GET HELP.#i should've known better than to try tbh but like. its so hard to completely let go of every sliver of hope that they'll... be kind#like me saying i was feeling suicidal a few yrs ago just garnered a ''oh don't start this again. we're not doing this again.''#and me admitting my own damn self to the psych ward just had her telling me ''i dont think you actually needed to go :/''#mother dearest if it werent for the other fuckers in the brain (caused by you abusing me) then i would've been dead several times over#i am so fucking tired i am so sick of these ppl it is so incredibly painful and terrifying that this is supposed to be my family#this is the one support system i get in life. and it is no support system at all. i am fucked !! i am so unbelievably fucked!!!#i know other ppl make it thru but they are much stronger than me. i am lacking something that they all have lmao. i am cowardly and weak!!!#i have been trying so fucking hard to figure out how to like. make this work. how to survive in this society and its just. impossible#i think we're back to the clock ticking down as my bank account runs out#i cannot be employed and ppl keep telling me disability won't accept me so i am just. unanimously fucked over i suppose#i have two years !! two years until i run out of money!!! thats a lot of time!! to make all the art i want to make!!#i will make this work for these two years i will cope and make my art and disconnect and daydream through the intolerable parts#i will make these two years so good sdfjkl im gonna make it to the end of them#sorry this is all coming flooding out fsjdkl i've just tried so hard to be like. positive abt things and laugh abt things and be okay#im tired of trying to make it okay fdsjkl i am wallowing tonight i guess. boohoo poor little me fdsjkl i'll probably get over it soon#just need to like. let a little of the pressure leak out so i don't completely crack and do smth stupid#it will be okay !!! or as okay as it can be !!! this will be blocked out by tomorrow morning probably!!#or it'll have to be LMAO i have my silly old lady yarn group tomorrow and i need to be Normal for that#suicide tw#abuse tw#ed tw
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'gray' made me cry laughing earlier. big, painful tears, too.
#the part where the narrator just starts telling a made up bullshit sob story about his 1st wife and all his children dying in a fire#to the poor girl giving him a lapdance and it shocks her so bad she totally stops for a moment bc he's being a fucking freak.#and he knows it and is getting a wicked kick out of it. best book ever tbh.#myevilposts#gray#this is the first time in a while since i've felt that happy or laughed that hard tbh.#last night i was thinking that 'gray' might actually manage to make me cry at this rate. and then it did. wow.#it just manifested in a different way than i expected.#and it will likely happen again. REJOICE !
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See I would try to socially transition for a few years first, except no one refers to me as he/they
#ignore me i'm journaling in another tab lol#when you look like me and say you go by all pronouns it's always “she” lol. sometimes the rare “they”#and the one that always makes me laugh: 'her pronouns are they/them'. like thanks mate very helpful#and i do go by all pronouns so it's all good! i just wonder if i should try these two out exclusively for a while#i say this as if i didn't do this a few years ago. ......shut up.#i'll say that the last time i went out with pals and my partner i asked them to refer to me as he/him for the night and it didn't feel weir#but idk. i think it only sometimes feels weird because 1) it's so binary and 2) i clearly do not look like a cis guy so it's hard to pictur#i.................... think i HAVE been socially transitioning for three years. damn it.#i wish pronouns just didn't exist lol. it's too hard to decide#and every time i get excited about transition and ALMOST decide to do it i suddenly remember aaaaaall my partner's family members exist.#mostly their SIL's family. very very big and traditional. that wedding this summer was dysphoria HELL. absolute hell.#i understand why people start hrt without telling anyone. my god it's so much easier and no one can try to convince you not to do it.
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Oh my god could I stop being sick please? It's been two freaking months and I got shit to do!
#nasty bronchitis that ending up putting me in the hospital#I'm behind in doing real life things but also just so freakin tired#i wanna do dumb tumblr stuff#but i already have a post wrote up with links to all the info on shubble/wilbur situation so people don't have to look 50 different places#BUT I also don't wanna make every post I have time to make about... THAT#THAT'S DEPRESSING#but i said i would and I'm a person of my word so...#it's been over a month since I've been able to make a sound#you'd be surprised how bad it is sensory and emotion wise to not be able to laugh or make sounds when you cry or groan in frustration#I'm in PT too because I was so weak by the time I got in the hospital that I couldn't stand#was literally coughing so hard and so constantly that I couldn't keep down food#lost about 25 lbs in 3 weeks according to the doctors (I'm overweight but that is still a LOT for anybody that's not exercising to lose)#going to push myself today because my hair has gotten so thick and long that it's causing too many sensory issues#also a bit of gender dysphoria just to keep it interesting#the person who cuts my hair is aware of how sickly I am and is having me come in when she hasn't been doing a hair treatment before me#still there's a risk of an asthma attack or just collapsing from the short walk#literally do not care#my hair is thick and hot and too long#let me be an androgynous gremlin!#also my cat says hi (he is slapping my phone like No phone love me NOW!!! XD )#bluewind talks
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