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covairecity-promo · 4 years

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~ MOST WANTED! ~

❝ Look at all the fucks I give. ❞

Name: Patrick Bach

Species: Werewolf

Age: 106 (32)

Sexuality: Heteroflexible

Occupation: Forensic engineer

Civilian / Escort

Face Claim: Armie Hammer

✒ Background: When life has something against you, your name is certainly Patrick Bach. He would have laughed at the ridiculousness of it if he hadn’t been the one stuck in that miserable circle. From the moment he became a teenager, Patrick’s life has been a roller coaster he didn’t choose to ride, and he has been dealing with the aftermath of his bad luck ever since, prompting him into becoming what he is today.

Patrick was born in a very small village straddling the Canadian-American lines, in 1914, on June 28th, one month, day for day, before the declaration of the first Great War. Luck was still on his side at that time and his father, a medic, came back with few traumas. And for many years, life was good for the Bach family.

The back luck started with a car accident; one of the first Ford cars that had been placed on the market and that his father had bought, only to get killed in a car accident in 1927. Patrick was thirteen and unable to accept what had happened and started to develop a compulsion to understand why things broke and how they worked. As he grew up, he would open watches, radios, motors, all to understand what had gone wrong. He studied engineering in the hopes of becoming an inspector for companies to prevent accidents through malfunctioning. But sadly, another war came looming on the horizon and in 1940, at twenty-five, Patrick was forced to enrol in the army and was sent abroad; another bout of bad luck striking him.

Keep reading [or click] for full biography & visit our group!

But life was far from being done with him and when the war was over, he came back to a dying mother, who barely lasted more than a few months after his return. He took his inheritance and fell back into his studies. He was surprised to see a classmate from his first year who had survived throughout the whole war, after enrolling the first chance he had. His name was Harper Wilde and they bonded over stories of war. In early October 1946, Harper revealed his secret to his friend; he was a werewolf. Of course, Patrick wouldn’t believe him until he was invited to his house on the 10th and saw his friend turn into a monstrous wolf. The young man was both horrified and fascinated and when morning came, he was shocked to learn that Harper wasn’t in his thirties, but over a century old, his longevity tremendously expended by his genetics. And he wanted to give the bite to Patrick, which he accepted without thinking of the consequences. So the next month, he was made a wolf, having survived the bite. He finished his studies while Harper taught him the ropes of lycanthropy. And once more, Patrick thought his luck had finally turned.

And then came Harper’s offer to work in his company, an engineering firm that specialized in inspection and security control, in a city called Covaire. Patrick foolishly accepted, and in 1950 he arrived in the City that Bleeds and was made a civilian to his utter shock; forced to serve the city and the pack, ruled by Lazarus Grey at the time, and receiving a fourth of what he had been promised as a salary. But he refused to be defeated like that.

So, for six decades, Patrick slaved at work, jumping on promotion, using his disorder to understand things to his advantage. Through the years, Harper was killed outside the city for reasons he never learned, but it was what made his ultimate plan work, having no master looking over his shoulder to stop him. So on July 21st 2010, at 95 years old, Patrick bought his ticket out of the city and regained his freedom.

And for five years, things couldn’t have been any better.

And then out of nowhere in the middle of a night, he was kidnapped and to his horror and rage he woke up in a cell in a place he knew all too well; the Chateau. He had been sold into slavery.

It wouldn’t end this way.

It couldn’t end this way…

Covaire City— February 2018. Two and a half years had passed when slavery was abolished; he should’ve been happy to get out, but when the options were presented to him, Patrick was furious. There was no way he would forget anything about Covaire City, because with his luck, he would find himself a third time in here. The wolf managed to get an appointment with the Dominion and as he spoke of his situation to the employee, the Alpha (Attila) heard of it and took over the meeting with Patrick. Because of his peculiar situation, he was offered a different deal; become bound to the city for three decades as a civilian or become an escort until he had paid for his freedom again. Of course, once it was his time to leave the city, he would be compelled to be unable to speak of it, but would retain his memories of the city. Although, he was more than welcome to remain in the city indefinitely.

The choice was his...

✒ Personality: Patrick is not your average wolf. And let’s be clear, he shouldn’t be here anymore and he knows it all too well, and makes sure that when he’s treated badly, whoever it is knows it too. He’s angry and with reason; he slaved 60 years in Covaire as a civilian, putting money away to buy his freedom, only to be captured and sold back into slavery. And now, he must do it all over again even after the abolishing of slavery. Patrick despises anyone treating him like something he knows he isn’t, and being made to serve is something he hasn’t forgiven of those responsible. Anyone calling him any sort of derogatory names receives his venom. But he’s not that hotheaded and has lived in Covaire long enough to know the ropes; he knows talking back to the guards or the Alphas isn’t in his best interest, so he keeps himself in line around them. And he also knows this new deal wasn’t offered to everyone and that while he’s not a fan of it, the Alpha still gave him a guaranteed exit door; which is more than anyone else has given him before.

He has a fascination to understand how things work, what went wrong when they break and to some extent, he sometimes does the same with people he meets.

Still a soldier at heart, Patrick is honourable and can sometimes be a gentleman. But don’t give him an ounce of chance to dominate or he’ll take the whole gallon.

He has one goal: pay his due and serve his time to get out of Covaire City. He doesn’t care for how long it’ll take, he’ll slave again to regain his freedom and he knows having someone on his side, like a female client preferably, to vouch for him when the time comes for him to leave and avoid getting double-crossed again.

*N.B. Patrick can either be a civilian or an escort; please tell the Admins you choice when you apply. Patrick can only be a Forensic engineer as a civilian.

MAIN || PLOT || SPECIES || CHARACTERS || EVENTS || APPLY || MOBILE

#armie hammer #armie hammer gif #armie hammer fc #biography rpg #armie hammer gifs

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wisebrokenwallflower · 5 years

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bangtan fic rec

I can be kind of particular when it comes to what I’ll read and I hold a special appreciation for well-written fics with good plot and dynamic characters. I’ve started to accumulate a fair number of fics in my bookmarks, so I think it’s time I start sharing some gems with whoever cares. I highly recommend all of these since I think they are all beautiful in their own unique ways, but I will list the ships. I know certain things can be triggering to some people, so please read the fic tags in case.

the italics are my thoughts, the normal text is the official summary, bolded fics are the ones that had significant impacts on me and or I feel discuss something really important

(this may or may not kind of be an open love letter to all the authors on here lol)

same damn hunger by marienadine [Yoonseok]

When it comes to fucking around with his best friend, Yoongi follows two rules:

1. They must be inebriated.

2. They must not kiss.

okay this fic is heartbreaking? it’s really smutty, but it’s also super poetic and angsty. it’s just really good, I’ve read it a ton of times : ))

Let’s Not Hurt Anymore by exfatamorgana [Namjin]

They don’t talk about it, and usually no one thinks to ask. But if you did, Namjoon and Seokjin would tell. They aren’t keeping secrets, and if you asked them, they’d answer. It just so happens that on a Sunday, not much different from any other Sunday, the other boys think to ask.

So how do two people who are always together end up… together?

two things: 1) this fic is part of a larger series, but I have not read the other parts 2) you do need an ao3 account to read this fic.

besides that, this fic is so beautiful and holds an extra special place in my heart. this fic isn’t really about Jin and Namjoon, it’s more about everything else surrounding their romantic relationship; their friendship, their internal struggles, the other impactful people in their lives. it’s about their personal journeys, but the fic is also a platform to discuss some really important issues in a very thoughtful way. I’m not sure how to explain it well, but even though this fic is really sad at times, the parts that made me cry were the hopeful ones, the parts that made me feel like everything was going to be okay.

I Don't Regret a Thing by HeavenlyHell [Yoonseok]

Hoseok is a host working in a shadier part of town, living in a small apartment complex just away from the main and busy buzz of the big city. All he really was planning to do was get some gross food and continue his gross life, but he also manages to spot a very gross (and bloody, which is gross) body on the ground. Except, the body is alive, and upon closer inspection, isn't as gross as it seems.

this fic is actually kind of funny and cute. if you want something lighter (especially compared to the previous two) this is a good option. also I want Yoongi’s hair.

Creating a Home by CheekyBrunette [Namjin]

(I didn’t put an official summary for this one because it’s actually a series)

Foster Care AU- it’s literally the softest, cutest, sweetest thing you will ever read oh my god I love kid fics so much they’re so cute. this one actually deals with some heavy stuff since it’s the foster care system, and so there’s tough situations that put them in the system, but many of the kids also find new difficulties once they’re in the system. but seriously, nothing will make your heart suffer more than little kid bangtan. btw, Namjin are the parents. IT’S SO FLUFFY. like, even when Jin is losing his mind and it feels like shit is falling apart, it is immediately fluffy after.

On Patrol by Ragi [Jikook/Yoonseok/Namjin]

Officer Jeon has his eyes on Mr. Adorable.

Officer Min has a strange neighbor he can't seem to keep out of his life.

Captain Kim finds comfort in his son's homeroom teacher.

Well, cops need some loving too, right?

that’s the summary for part 1, but it’s actually a two-part series. the summary makes it sound super fluffy, but there’s actually a fair amount of violence and angst. it’s all happy in the end though, don’t worry. (I basically only read fics with happy endings) also, kid Tae is so cuteee.

i've been drinking, i've been drinking by decompositionbooks [Jikook]

Jungkook tries to figure Jimin out with Yoongi's trademarked "What Your Drink Says About You" alcohol psychoanalysis.

All he knows is that Jimin likes fruity little drinks.

this one is really cute and a little sad. the best part of this fic for me was the fact that it really improved my knowledge of drinks lol

doubt thou the stars are fire by iwillalwaysbelieve [Jikook/Yoonseok]

Jeon Jeongguk's got a Reputation™. Park Jimin learns how to not give a shit about it.

this one is really short but really cute : )

White Chalk by g_odalisque13 [Taegi]

Yoongi had been aware of the shadow for as long as he could remember.

Sometimes he went months without feeling like it was just a few steps behind him or waiting around the next corner. But no matter how long he was able to avoid it, it always came back. Always.

It's 1993, and Yoongi is a music major starting his sophomore year in college. A bunch of stupid dares from his friends aren't supposed to turn his world upside down. Then again, maybe it's not the dares. Maybe it's just Taehyung.

I don’t know how to effectively describe how much I love this fic, but I love this fic so damn much. it’s just so well written and funny and genuine and it’s really honest and nice and it makes me happy

tie the knot by jivenchys (bareJinerals) [Jikook]

Either stay married to an arrogantly conceited billionaire for one year and get a million dollars in return, or drown in his father’s debt with the risk of ending up on the streets. Signing the prenup suddenly seems harder than it looks.

mate let me tell you, this is the slowest fucking slowburn you will ever read in the history or slowburn. every other fic on this list is complete except for this one, but even though this one is still in progress, it’s so fucking good that it’s definitely worth the wait. I have not felt excitement equivalent to that when I saw that this fic was updated recently. even though it’s still in progress, this is one of my all time favorites

hey, you never walk alone by deuxoiseaux [Yoonseok]

"Are you stalking me, or something?" Hoseok demands, more than loud enough for his voice to carry to the roof of the two-story building overhead. "This is seriously the fourth time I've seen you today alone! What is your deal? Why are you always everywhere I go lately?"

The man in the red and blue suit peeks down at Hoseok from the rooftop ledge. "...I thought I was being stealthy," he answers, and Hoseok can hear the pout in his voice even with his face hidden behind that mask. It's kind of endearing, even if it's still annoying.

(or: the spiderman au nobody asked for but exists now, i guess)

this is so cute! it’s a really short fic, but I love the characterizations a lot : )

a sugar coated pill and a pick me up by whomstisthis [Namjin]

As Namjoon stood slightly removed from the scene, bemusedly watching the six-year-olds swarm around his cooler (which he had borrowed from his mom), he didn’t even notice that someone had sidled up next to him until he heard the tiny, but undoubtedly exasperated, huff.

He followed the sound, turning his head to the right. A guy was standing there, arms crossed, lips pursed. He let out another huff, louder this time, but only slightly.

Namjoon refused to acknowledge him. What the fuck was this guy’s deal? Was he really that bitter that his six-year-old just lost a soccer game for six-year-olds?

One more huff from the guy.

He was beginning to think this guy’s lips were just perpetually pursed and would simply never, ever unpurse themselves, when he, the guy, finally unpursed his lips to speak.

“I just think it’s pretty irresponsible to bring Gatorade to a soccer game for first graders,” he said, huffily, “No offense.”

(or: namjin are soccer dads who fall in luv)

kid!tae and kid!kook are friends and it’s really cute and also I love Jin and Joon’s banter. also, this is explicitly set in new york, which makes for an interesting cultural cross. (and completely unrelated, this fic taught me about Richard Siken, who is a heart wrenching poet)

Of Lace Panties and Accidental Magic by jonghyunslisterine [Jikook]

In which a meddlesome teenage witch makes a considerable mistake mixing her potions.

(Or; Jungkook can't lie, Jimin's not looking like himself, and everyone knows Jungkook's in love with Jimin - except Jimin.)

this one of the few cisgirl!bangtan fics that I like (even though Jimin’s not technically a girl). often the whole “bangtan as girls au” thing feels kind of forced, but here Jimin’s gender thing is actually constructive to the fic rather than distracting. it’s really cute and jikook are a whole mess but it’s fine

hounds of love by fitzgarbage [Namjin]

Seokjin hasn't been back in a long time.

it’s kind of melancholy but it’s really well written. the last tag is “some characters are sad”. yeah. a large part of this fic is about growth and self discovery and I think that’s really why I like it.

girls just want to have fun by fitzgarbage [Yoonseok/Vmin/Namjin/Jinkook]

“Namjoon told me you’d probably be haunting a corner. I didn’t know what he meant, but I think I get it now.” He’s breathing hard. “I knew you right away. You look really good, by the way.”

transgender, intersex, and nb characters. I have a lot of things to say about this fic but my brain isn’t really working right now so I may end up having to make a separate post. I just have a lot of things to say about this fic. there are some fics that aren’t just enjoyable to read, they’re also important to read. that’s this. fair warning, you’re going to want to wrap everyone in blankets and protect them from the world forever after you’re done reading this.

Internecine by jawsbar (GryfoTheGreat) [Yoonseok]

Everyone gets a soulmate. You don't get a choice in the matter. Fate decides who you love, whether you like it or not, and to her credit, she usually gets it right.

This time, Fate fucks up. Like, majorly.

(Or: Failed idol Jung Hoseok is bonded to the very person who destroyed his dream.)

HOLY SHIT. SO FUCKING GOOD. READ THIS. JUST DO IT. I DON’T CARE IF IT TAKES YOU A WEEK. JUST DO IT. there’s a lot of real issues within the industry that the author talks about and it’s things that you might already know about and things that you may not know about. it’s really informative and beautiful and amazing and just go read it. (also the author is a sweetheart, super nice person : ))

harvest moon, recall your youth by blackranger (robpatFF)[Taegi/Namseok/Jikookjin]

“How drunk was I?” Yoongi asks. “Did I seriously tell you my whole life story before we hooked up?”

“No,” Taehyung giggles. “Silly Min Yoongi. You told me your life story before we got married. Then we fucked. Like a honeymoon, you know?”

Or, Yoongi and Taehyung get drunk married in Las Vegas.

the taegi is really sweet and the namseok is nice too

the waiting game by bonnia [Jikook]

It’s a waiting game. Jimin knows that Jungkook doesn’t have to come back, but with every little touch, every time Jungkook does, and every time Jungkook lies down right next to him, pressed up close, torturously warm and smelling like cigarette smoke and cologne, Jimin can’t help but feel like he could — would — wait years just for Jungkook to come back to him again.

(Or: In which Jimin is a prostitute and Jungkook is his favourite customer.)

it’s really sad and then it’s really sweet. Kookie is a sweetheart and Jimin needs a hug

boy, you got my heartbeat runnin' away by 777335

Summer before his third year, Hoseok says he wants to move out of the dorms and Yoongi replies easily, “My lease is almost up, wanna get a place together?”

Hoseok can’t speak for a second, just wants.

“Seok?” Yoongi says, pushing his glasses up with the heel of his hand, tongue poking into his cheek nervously. “We don’t— we don’t have to, never mind.”

“No,” Hoseok says, taking the half step to their table, sliding Yoongi’s beer toward him, settling on his stool with his caipirinha. He chews on the straw. “No, no,” he can feel the smile breaking across his face, “that sounds great, that sounds really nice. Holy shit, yeah, let’s do it.”

“Yeah?” A shy smile touches the corners of Yoongi’s mouth. “Yeah? Okay. We could get a couch for Holly.”

or hoseok and yoongi meet on the internet, become friends, both end up in seoul, become better friends, move in together, and then eat some pancakes. oh, also they make out.

it’s really cute! they’re so sweet and they actually communicate and it’s nice and they kind of remind me of my relationship with someone very close to me ; )

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I have some more recs, but I wanted to post these so that this didn’t sit in my drafts forever lol. happy reading! dm me if you love any of these a lot and we can gush together : )))

#taegi fic #jikook fic #namjin fic #ao3fic #bangtan fic rec #sope fic #I actually use yoonseok but sope seems like the more common tag #the things fanfiction has given me

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fatedtruths · 3 years

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A list of things that would make Oliver want to kill someone

☀ OLIVER HEADCANON 033 ☀ ▒ KILLING SOMEONE

there is definitely a list of reasons why oliver would kill someone , but he never wants to do it , it is never something that he likes to do, he just seems himself as practical enough to know that sometimes it is the only solution . before the island he would never have thought like that but in those five years when he was ‘dead’ he realised that sometimes the world just is that brutal, especially in that world where it is kill or be killed ----and you can’t negotiate with terrorists , especially the domestic ones , right ? well he refuses too.

-- trying to , or succeeding in , hurting someone that oliver loves is a surefire way to get him to use lethal force , even if it is sometimes seen as retribution rather than to save them , he doesn’t regret it .

-- when someone is intent on harming or killing others . to save the many from a criminal , oliver will do it .

-- if prison seems to be the unreliable / the unsafe option . oliver’s faith in the justice system is never very high , in fact you might say it’s at an all time low , and he does not trust that some ‘big bads’ are redeemable or would be securely locked up enough to keep the rest of the world safe forever . it’s true that he believes , that he knows , some people are redeemable and oliver is the king of second (third, fourth, fifth) chances , but some people don’t want to be redeemed and he wont just sit around waiting for them to break out of prison and hurt people again ( cough like the joker cough )

-- because he’s willing to do what has to be done . if whoever cannot be stopped any other way , especially if he’s exhausted other options . at the end of the day oliver is human with no superpowers . he can only do so much to stop someone non-lethally and he is well aware of his limits but if he is the only one fighting then killing that person sometimes becomes his only option left .

-- because you cant get supes to do it , he would go nuclear and decide to be dictator of the world but oliver never wants that sort of responsibility .

-- to save himself ; in a hostage situation , to keep his identity still a secret , if he has the lower hand and needs to escape , killing a criminal in that situation isn’t something that oliver would loose sleep over .

there are examples throughout his life where he has killed but there are also examples of where , although he could’ve killed them , he found another way . he tries not to kill the ‘henchmen’ of the bigger criminals he’s going after , especially as he educates himself more on the fact that some people just need a job and they’re not necessarily bad people they’re just people who made bad choices , and he doesn’t kill small scale criminals when dealing with 911 calls in the city . he will injure them however , and often tie them up , but he doesn’t kill if he thinks he can avoid it .

although oliver is morbidly comfortable with killing by the time he becomes the green arrow , a problem like ‘The Trolley Problem’ would make him worry just like anyone . ‘ the few to save the many ’ when the few are also innocent isn’t an easy decision for him to make ---but , if there was no other choice , it is still a decision he would eventually make .

ultimately , as far as he is concerned , the people who go up against him , especially when he’s there as the green arrow , know the risk , and they know that what they are doing puts them on the wrong side of history .

#this was ! actually a really good ! really fuckin interesting question to answer omf so thank you !#[ OLIVER — headcanons ]#[ OLIVER — answered questions ]#[ ANSWERED QUESTIONS. ]#[ ANONYMOUS QUESTIONS. ]

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outoftheready · 4 years

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Big Story Time (Posted elsewhere on July 26, 2019)

I promise I’ll get better at titles

To help get everything out I wrote my story. Admittedly, it’s reads horribly. It took about two months to write out, with a lot of starting and stopping trying to figure out what I wanted to say. There was much cutting and pasting done-putting together life fragments. People were starting to ask if I was alright. I felt confronted every time. But I had to talk about it, I just didn’t know how. So, I started typing. My thoughts were pretty scattered. It’s was a scary thing to write because I have never been open about anything-not even with my best friend. Things were getting really bad for me last year. It’s funny how I kind of forgot about some of it, but Facebook memories has been reminding me. How I was trying to be a little more open with the anxiety. Still being scared to admit that I was also feeling depressed. I was hating myself more and more. I was uncomfortable everywhere I went. Working at a church was making everything worse. Especially when a few years back I had been asked to meet the pastor in his office, thinking it was going to be about some event we had coming up, I went in there just as normal as ever. I don’t even remember how he started out the conversation, but he did get to the hard question pretty quick. “Are you gay?” Someone in the congregation had went to him saying that I winked at their niece. How dumb would that be? Here, just let me out myself by winking at some girl I don’t even know. Then he asked if I had same-sex attractions and told me that there were and have been some gay congregation members. Was that supposed to make me feel comfortable to open up to him? How much is it going to freak him out when he finds out I’m transgender instead? I’ve been asked many times over why I’m still there. It’s a lack of confidence I have in myself, thinking employers will take one look at me and not want someone like me working for them. Even though I hate being there, I’m comfortable there. The biggest thing that keeps me there is that it’s a paycheck. It’s a small paycheck, but it’s money. Also, there is a kid in the youth group that doesn’t come often who is in the gender identity realm. He has been dressing in more feminine clothes and has tried using the girls bathroom. This kid isn’t there often enough for me to really try and talk to them. I want to try and get in a good enough rapport with them to ask if they would prefer female pronouns and it not be an uncomfortable conversation. That thing I hear all the time of being someone who you needed when you were younger, I want to be that person. Although there have been times when I just want to just flip everyone off and say that I’m trans and walk away.

This is one of the hardest and scariest things I’ve done in my life. I never thought I would be here with everything. I honestly figured I would live out my entirety quiet in my own little world. But I couldn’t. I can’t. I was starting to get so stressed out about things that my hair was falling out. My anxiety would hit so hard sometimes it felt like I was going to throw up. Around the time I finished my writing out my story I could hardly eat. I had stomach ulcers when I was in fourth grade and I’m pretty sure that’s what was happening. I had to swig some Pepto before and after I ate. This lady at church thinks I’ve lost about twenty pounds. It probably isn’t that much. I’m short, so it probably just looks that way. I have gained some of it back recently because I grab drive though foods often and drive around in my car to play Pokémon Go (a lot). Luckily she didn’t ask what I was doing to lose weight. If I know the person well I’ll tell them develop some anxiety and depression and it will do wonders for you. Don’t know what I would say to anyone who I’m not close to. What makes all this so scary is finally talking about it. Trying to figure out who is safe to talk to. Knowing that I’m going to (and have) lost people who have been important to me. I feel like there are going to be some that will still love me but not agree with my choices. I still haven’t talked about this with my mom yet and that has been one of the most terrifying things to just think about doing. She doesn’t even know I’m in therapy. Everytime she’s been home and that’s where I was headed I would tell her I was going to go make a Pokémon trade or there was a raid I wanted to do. With this putting myself out there little by little this year it’s been crazy. It’s like slowly walking into a freshly opened freezing cold underground pool. Each step is bone chilling and breath-taking, then your body eases up to it and you can venture out further.

I knew that I needed to get into therapy. I knew that I didn’t want to stay that way. I knew I wanted to get better. After I let a few people read my story, one who I consider a mentor, told me about a Christian counseling place and that was something I was trying to avoid. I had even posted on Facebook about that around this time last year. Thanks again Facebook memories. I had seen that there was a place in my area offering counseling and I didn’t want to go through them. I had all these preconceived notions about what they would tell me. That I was wrong. That I would need to pray and make all of these thoughts go away and feelings I had were of the devil. When he read my story and got me the info of a different place, another Christian counseling group. Even though I didn’t want to make an appointment there, I did, and I was put on a wait list. It’s was supposed to be a three month wait. It turned into a six month wait. In the mean time I was having a really bad week and got in touch with a different therapist. She was good and it was nice to start to talk to someone. Talking to someone who is impartial to events and people, getting out what I was going through was needed. When I finally got into the Christian group and met with that consoler a few times, the first therapist was moving her practice. For a couple weeks I met with both counselors/therapists, whatever title they go by. I had to let them both know there was someone else. Soon after that is when she had to reschedule a couple appointments and finally let me know that she was moving her practice and gave me the option to continue sessions with someone else within that group until she settled into her new place and she would contact me. With the Christian group, my consoler there at the same time was telling me that the head of his department doesn’t recommend someone seeing two therapists at the same time. I had a little bit of decision making to do, then with her moving her practice it made that decision pretty easy. He’s been a great help, and he understands and takes things from a medical perspective as well as an Evangelical. Something I never thought would be possible. And he pushes me to get things done, in a good way and at my own speed. Getting all of this out has helped so much with my stress levels and anxieties. My depression comes in waves. I don’t think either the depression or anxiety are bad enough for medication. I know that the majority of it is situational and environmental and don’t want to start putting chemicals in my body now to eventually wean myself off of them. I did start smoking back in August of 2018 (that’s when I let people read my story). I woke up every morning feeling like I was in shock. I couldn’t even finish a cup of coffee. It was probably sometime in late October before I could finish a single cup of coffee. But, now I’m beginning to like myself and except myself. I’ve been able to talk about some of these issues with a few close people. It’s frightening and freeing at the same time to verbalize these words. It’s something else….

If you don’t know the feeling of what it would feel like if your soul were dying you’re extremely lucky. That’s probably the best way I can describe how I was feeling. I would constantly in my head say I was dying, then one day I started kind of mutter it to myself. I had lost myself. All my secrets, everything I pretended to not be, that’s who I was. I was everything I kept hidden. I was every little secret I had. That was my identity. A masculine looking female that only ever talked about music and Pokémon Go, and whatever else. There was this little world I had (it’s probably sad and stupid) that I’m male. When anyone ever used female pronouns I could kind of switch it around and replay those moments and hear male pronouns. It wasn’t a 100% success, sometimes it helped and sometimes it chipped away at that little world. It’s possible I forced myself into being an introvert because I could be alone and be who I was. I could practice and learn songs by male artists and not feel weird for singing about pretty girls and heartbreak. I could watch interviews of Emma Stone, Aubrey Plaza, and Rosario Dawson or whoever was the celebrity crush at the time and not worry what the expressions on my face showed. When I was alone in my car I felt more masculine. I That’s where I felt most myself. That’s kind of my little world. That’s who I was. I kind of lost that when I opened up to a few people. I lost who I was and I had to find who I am again. I mean, I’m still the same person but now I’m more than what I was.

I am going to be a better me. I have support, even if I seclude myself away from people because I don’t want to burden them with my problems or feel like they don’t have time for me. I am so determined to be better. How I came out feels like it was a dive into the deep end and sometimes I think it was the dumbest way to do what I did. If I wouldn’t have done it that way I don’t know if I ever would have. I tell myself all the time, “Refuse to stay feeling like shit. Refuse to stay in fear of everything.” I refuse.

Not sure why I’m even writing this. But I guess it feels right

It sort of feels like I have to-like an exorcism

I guess that makes me sound crazy but that’s alright

Lately I feel like I might be, not that I’ve heard any voices or anything

Just like that everyday kind, where you forget things you shouldn’t

and you think too much about death

“A Departure” by La Dispute

youtube

I’m just suffering from changes

Locked outside for good

Paper cut by turning pages

Sitting under dust cause

I’m not understood

“Changes” by Mutemath

youtube

Where you goin’ when you stop halfway up the mountain?

I don’t know where I got the strength from but I found it

Your feet can

Betray you

Don’t let go

Of breakthrough

Don’t stop when you’ve gone halfway up the

Mountain

“Mountain” by Tunde Olaniran

youtube

#ftm #ftm blog #anxiety #depression #christian ftm #therapy #pokemon go #la dispute #mutemath #tunde olaniran #trans christian

0 notes

setsunameioh · 7 years

Note

body swap au + heikazu

ah yes, body swaps, one of my favorite tropes. this ended up being pretty open ended, but I might revisit it in the future since there’s just so much potential for funny hijinks with this!

Also you can read this on AO3.

He knew something was wrong from the very moment he woke up.

He’d spent enough time over at Kazuha’s place growing up to have virtually memorized what her bedroom ceiling looked like- even the fresh coat of paint it had gotten since he visited last wasn’t enough to fool him. He also knew that unless he’d picked up one hell of a sleepwalking habit without knowing, that he had no business being in Kazuha’s room first thing in the morning, much less any business being in Kazuha’s bed.

For one thing, if Kazuha woke up to find him lying next to her, no amount of excuses would keep him from being a dead man, which he wasn’t. Though judging from the current circumstances, it seemed as if he might not have quite escaped such a fate just yet.

Because that? That definitely was not his hand.

Even as a phone started ringing on the nightstand- Kazuha’s ringtone, he knew it well- Heiji could only grumble, wanting nothing more than to close his eyes and go back to sleep. This very well could still be some kind of weird dream, even though all of his senses were informing him that probably wasn’t the case, however bizarre the situation he’d landed himself in was. He was half tempted to do just that, keen on pulling up the covers to drown out the sound of the phone, before he slowly realized that not only was that Kazuha’s ringtone, but it was also the ringtone that she had set for him.

And since he sure as hell wasn’t anywhere remotely close to his own cellphone at the moment, that left only one option.

Groaning to himself, mentally noting that that was definitely not his own voice, Heiji reached out an all too pale hand, picking up Kazuha’s cellphone and finally answering the call. The person on the other end of the line piped up before he even so much as had a chance to say anything.

“Ya finally picked up, Heiji!”

That, on the other hand, was very much his voice.

“How long were ya plannin’ on sleepin’ when there’s an emergency like this, ya idiot!?”

Groaning again, Heiji let his head fall back on the pillow- or he supposed in truth, it wasn’t so much his own head, as it was Kazuha’s. It was probably a good thing he was still half asleep, since hearing the sound of his own voice yelling at him from the other end of the line would have been too much to process all at once.

“I just woke up, give me a break, Kazuha.” Mentally noting that it was with Kazuha’s voice that he spoke now, Heiji groaned, forcing himself up into a sitting position. The lure of the pillow was too tempting, and unlike himself, Kazuha was not really a morning person. “What if one of my parents overhears ya screamin’?”

“Ya sound like yer takin’ this development well, Heiji.” Kazuha noted, with an incredulous tone that sounded downright out of place on his own voice. “Fer all we know, we might be stuck like this, so ya’d think ya would try an’ panic a bit more here.”

“I’m still half asleep, that’s why.” Heiji told her, swinging his feet out of her bed. “I’ll panic more when I’m a bit more awake. When did ya go ta sleep last night anyways, Kazuha? I’m wiped.”

“A little past one. I was busy with somethin’.” Kazuha recounted for him, before she quickly recalled the far more important subject at hand. “More importantly, don’t ya dare touch anythin’ until I get over there, Heiji! I’ll be comin’ right away!”

“Ya plannin’ on bringin’ me over here in my pajamas? I wouldn’t mind, but I don’t know how ya’d feel, paradin’ down the street in nothin’ but a tank top and some boxer shorts.” Heiji pointed out, letting out a loud yawn. Usually he’d already be wide awake at this point- no wonder Kazuha was so much more hyped up about this than he was.

As sunlight caught on the mirror that had been set on the closet door in front of the bed, Heiji turned his attention towards it. Though he had already pretty much confirmed it, seeing Kazuha’s reflection stare back at him was overall, very strange. Sticking out his tongue, and watching the Kazuha reflected in the mirror make the same expression, Heiji let out a long sigh.

Suffice to say, this was not how he had been planning on starting the day.

“…I’ll change.” The sound of his own voice almost meekly muttering those words was strange to his ears, to the point where he was almost glad when it’s current owner snapped at him again. “I’ll change, so don’t ya dare touch a thing till I get over there, ya understand, Heiji?! Not a thing!”

“I get it, I get it.” Reaching up a hand, Heiji used his free hand to rub the back of his neck, still glowering at the reflection the mirror was showing him. It was an expression entirely unsuited to Kazuha’s face, but like hell he was going to stop making it. “Put some faith into me, ya idiot.”

“Don’t forget it!”

With that, the other end of the line went dead, leaving Heiji to stare at the phone in his hands. Kazuha’s phone, in Kazuha’s hands. There was no way he could ever mistake them for those of his own- skin color aside, the long, slender fingers were very much not things that belonged to him. Not to mention the lack of the calluses he’d gained from years of kendo practice, not to mention the missing scar on his right hand.

Kazuha’s hands, Kazuha’s face, Kazuha’s body.

“What the hell kinda joke is this?” Leaning his head back against the headboard of Kazuha’s bed, Heiji closed his eyes, hoping that maybe when he opened them again, he’d wake up from this strange dream. He still couldn’t even begin to imagine how something like this had happened- had he set off some kind of weird flag somewhere?

But well… he guessed if it were possible for someone his own age to turn back into a child, then switching bodies with your own childhood friend maybe wasn’t such a stretch.

It was that thought that had him snapping his eyes open, all but jolting awake all at once. If Kudo tried calling him now, not knowing that the person on the other end of the line wasn’t him, then…

Crap.

He had to do something about this fast, or he was going to end up blowing a lot more this week than just his confession. And if he couldn’t find a way to fix this, then he might have no choice but to warn Kudo about what had happened, before he went and blew his own secret without knowing it.

Which meant…

Catching another glimpse of Kazuha’s face in the mirror, Heiji could only heave a long, exasperated sigh, hoping that he would be able to find a solution to this matter quickly. Because he’d really rather avoid having to deal with what he was almost certain his rival’s reaction would be- provided he could even manage to convince him that he was telling the truth.

But there was no point in worrying about that just yet. For all he knew, all they needed to do to fix the problem was bash their heads together, or maybe fall down a flight of stairs or something. That was how it always worked in this kind of story, right? It might even be over in the span of a day, and by the time they woke up tomorrow, they would be back to normal.

Spending one day as each other probably wouldn’t be that bad. That would only be for one day though- if this stretched out beyond that, well…

Well, even if it did, he’d figure it out. While the body he was currently inside was not that of his own, it didn’t make him any less of a detective. There was no point in throwing in the towel without first trying, and as much as he was in love with her, he really had no desire to spend the rest of his life as Kazuha.

And while she might have been using his voice, it wasn’t that hard to tell that Kazuha probably felt exactly the same way.

It wasn’t going to go away on it’s own.

Nearly four days had passed since the two had woken up in the other’s body, and though they had tried various methods to switch back, nothing had come of it other than bumped heads and bruised knees. Nor had they, at any point in time, woken back up in the correct body. As such, as the fourth morning of their swap began, it looked as if they needed to start preparing to be in this for the long haul.

Which included deciding who to tell, and who to keep it a secret from.

“No. No, no, no. There’s no way we’re tellin’ him.” Narrowing his eyes, Heiji could only glower up at his own face, for once finding himself grumbling about how needlessly tall he was. Fat lot of good it did him when he wasn’t the one in there. “We’re not tellin’ yer old man either. He’s definitely goin’ ta try an’ kill me if he knows!”

“It won’t be that bad, Heiji.” Kazuha tried to convince him, her words sounding strange when spoken with his own voice, though she’d gotten somewhat used to it coming out when she spoke. “Besides, do ya really think we can keep it from them forever?”

They were already suspicious enough as it was already- their efforts in trying to keep everything under wraps were already starting to wear thin.

“Yes.” The answer was quick and blunt, even if he wasn’t fully convinced of it. If his father were to find out about something like this… he didn’t even want to know what that old man’s reaction would be. “Tellin’ our moms is one thing, but our dads don’t need ta know!”

Somehow, Kazuha’s glower was even more impressive than that of his own, Heiji couldn’t help but mentally note. Still, in the end, she let out a long sigh, placing her hands on her hips- or rather, those that would have been his own. “Alright, alright. Fer now, we won’t tell them. But they’re goin’ ta get suspicious eventually Heiji, especially if ya keep carryin’ on the way ya are now.”

“What do ya mean?” A tight frown setting itself on what was his face for the moment, Heiji returned Kazuha’s glower, to the best of his ability. “I think I’ve been doin’ pretty well, all thing considered!”

“It’s that, it’s that!” Heaving another sigh, Kazuha placed a hand on her head, feeling a vague headache coming on. “Ya make a lousy girl, Heiji. Fer starters, I don’t refer ta myself usin’ ore. If ya don’t cut that out soon, then people are goin’ ta start thinkin’ I’m weird! Not ta mention the way ya sit, an’ yer body language… it’s all a mess!”

“Well sorry!” Folding his arms in front of his chest, he froze for a moment, still not having quite gotten to the point where he could fully process the softness they backed up against. “In case ya haven’t noticed, I’m a guy. I’ve heard ya use atashi sometimes too, ya know.”

“Well right now, yer me, so ya’d better try a little harder ta act like it.” Kazuha pointed out. “Ya’ve got a point there though, I’ll admit that, but I haven’t slipped up half as much as ya have.”

“Fine, fine, I’ll try harder.” At the glower he caught from Kazuha then, he could only flinch, realizing that he had made another mistake. Letting out a long sigh, his shoulders slumping, his gaze flickered away from her, a hint of red on his cheeks. “…I’ll try harder.”

“That’s more like it!” With a bright smile on what would be his own face that was definitely that of Kazuha’s own, she nodded her head. “Now then, are ya sure about tellin’ Ran-chan an’ Conan-kun? I’m okay with it, but ya seemed awfully insistent about it earlier. Why?”

“Ah, well…” Starting at the question, now averting his eyes from her for real, Heiji could only sweat. “T-that’s because of Neechan, ya know! If she thinks I’m you an’ does somethin’ around me that she might regret, there might be problems right? I don’t want ta put her in an embarrassin’ situation, an’ it’s not like we can just cut contact with them!”

There was no way he could tell her the real reason.

Something was fishy here, Kazuha couldn’t help but think, watching what would have been her own face take on a flustered expression at the question. It was one that she knew well on Heiji’s own face, but when the one wearing it was her, she couldn’t help but feel strangely embarrassed.

Still, well… he did have a point.

“Then, we’ll tell ‘em this weekend, when we heard up there.” Kazuha said finally. “Fer all we know, things might have sorted themselves out by then.”

“Let’s hope.” Heiji said, unable to help but grin. “It kind of feels like we took bein’ handcuffed ta each other ta a whole new level.”

Unable to help herself, Kazuha let out a loud snort.

He laughed.

Bust a gut, really.

Convincing him hadn’t been that easy, but once he had, he’d burst out into a fit of laughter so loud, that it had very quickly startled him. He could only hope that things were going a bit easier over on Kazuha’s side, since they had decided to divide and conquer when it came to telling them.

Still though, this damn guy… was it really that funny?!

“What are ya laughin’ so much fer, Kudo?!” His displeasure came out all the sharper with Kazuha’s voice, and for once, he almost enjoyed having it. “This is a serious situation!”

“Sorry, sorry, it’s just…” Somehow managing to catch his breath and gasp out some words besides that, Conan had to bite down on his tongue to keep from laughing again the moment his eyes met with the green of Kazuha’s. “You’re Hattori.”

While there was still no small part of him that was reeling at the implications of this, even that part of himself couldn’t deny that the situation was kind of hilarious. There was no way it was a lie, either- if it were, then not only had Heiji blurted out his secret to Kazuha at some point, but she was also one hell of an actress. Granted, he couldn’t even begin to fathom how something like swapping bodies was even possible, but he guessed in that regard, he didn’t have too much of a leg to stand on.

He’d noticed it when they had first walked in the door, that something was wrong with the Osakan duo. It wasn’t just the fact that Heiji had made a beeline for Ran, and that Kazuha had made a beeline for him, but there had been other tells as well- namely that of their body language. If it had been masked somewhat before, it was now on full display- once they were alone together, Heiji had given up on any pretense of pretending to be Kazuha.

The exterior might be that of Toyama Kazuha, but the contents were none other than Hattori Heiji- what a sight!

“If it wasn’t, ya’d have a tough time explaining why yer callin’ me by that name.” Heiji pointed out, quirking a brow. “Ya done laughin’ at me already, Kudo? An’ here I thought ya might want ta help, seein’ as Kazuha an’ I have been like this fer darn near a week now.”

“C'mon, you have to admit, it’s a little funny.” Conan told him, finally drawing in a much needed long breath, steadying himself a little. “But you’re right, sorry. It’s already been a week?”

“Yeah.” Letting out a long sigh, Heiji rubbed the back of his neck, an irritated expression still lingering on his face. He knew that Kudo was going to react that way, the asshole- and it would seem that his expectations had not failed him. “We just woke up like this back on last Saturday. We’ve been managin’ ta make do somehow since then, but let me tell ya Kudo, it isn’t easy!”

By the time they had broken the news to their mothers, it would seem that they had already pretty much figured them out. It was a damn near miracle that nobody else had done the same.

“An’ besides, ya should be at least a little grateful ta me.” Heiji told him, narrowing his eyes. “Kazuha’s the one with my phone right now, so just imagine if ya called her, an’ started goin’ on about Hattori this, Hattori that. Yer cover would have been blown right away!”

Freezing for a moment, as if he hadn’t considered that, Conan could only feel a great sense of relief that he had in fact, not called Heiji during the duration of the past week. He’d certainly come close to it, and could only be grateful that various circumstances had ended up preventing it.

“W-well, usually one wouldn’t think something like body swapping was possible, right?” Conan finally piped up, already mentally kicking himself as the line came out of his mouth, since he already knew what Heiji’s retort would be.

“I don’t want ta hear that from mister sixteen goin’ on six.” Somehow it sounded all the more biting when spoken with Kazuha’s voice, Conan noted. “Well, I guess this puts us both in weird situations though.”

“Fair point.” Conan admitted, deciding to bite back a comment that Heiji’s situation was arguably the weirder. “And? How are you holding up, Hattori?”

“It could be worse, I guess.” Heiji admitted with a shrug. “At least it’s Kazuha. Cause lemme tell ya Kudo, as it turns out, bein’ a girl is a right pain in the ass. Not ta mention that I haven’t even figured out how this happened ta us in the first place, so as far as fixin’ us goes, I don’t even know where ta start.”

“That would complicate things.” Conan noted, finding himself carefully studying the person before him. Toyama Kazuha’s body and Hattori Heiji’s body language were a strange mix, and now that he had calmed down a little, it was starting to bug him. “That’s… really you in there, huh, Hattori?”

“What, the reality just finally sinkin’ into ya after all that laughing from before?” Heiji asked, before letting out another long sigh, kneeling down in front of him. “I might look real cute right now, but I can assure ya, inside I’m still the same Hattori Heiji as I ever was.”

“Cute, huh?” Conan asked, arching his brows, before he let out a small snort. “So? What do you plan on doing about this? From the sound of it, it doesn’t seem like this is going to wear off on it’s own.”

“Doesn’t seem like it.” Heiji mused, letting out a long sigh. Resting his elbow on his knee, he leaned his chin into his hand, wondering if he’d get used to how soft they felt sooner or later. It sounded like such a cliche, but really, everything kind of felt soft. “If I can’t find a way ta fix this, I don’t know what I’ll do. I said I wanted ta be with Kazuha forever, not live as her.”

“I guess confessing to her is off the table for the moment, huh?” Conan couldn’t help but ask, almost half regretting the question the moment Heiji fixed a glower on him.

“Yer damn right it is.” Heiji told him flatly. “There’s no way I could do somethin’ like that now. Not when I’m her, an’ well… she’s me.”

As one would expect, not only did Ran have an easier time believing it, but her reaction involved no laughter whatsoever. She had been rather curious when Heiji had pulled her aside that morning, seeing as he usually made a beeline for Conan whenever he came to visit, but as soon as it was explained to her, she quickly understood why it was that things had seemed so off this time around.

“K-Kazuha-chan? That’s really you, Kazuha-chan?”

“It’s me.” Giving her what she could only hope was her best imitation of her own smile- Heiji’s mouth seemed rather predisposed to set itself in his signature grin, whether she wanted it to or not, Kazuha let out a slight breath. “Right now, Heiji should be tellin’ Conan-kun more or less the same thing. Still don’t see why we couldn’t do it together, though.”

He had seemed rather insistent on that as well, come to think of it. He could be a weird guy sometimes, that Heiji. Thinking of that only made her grumble, though she managed to keep that internal- she didn’t want Ran to think she was mad at her, or anything. She didn’t know if she was more annoyed that all of that eccentricity was packed into her body now, or because she was the one who was going to have to try and imitate him, but either way, neither thought pleased her.

“But how did…?” Trailing off a little, Ran quickly shook her head, rethinking her question. “Are you okay, Kazuha-chan? I mean, you’re…”

“In a guy’s body?” Kazuha finished for her, shrugging her shoulders. “I mean, at the very least it’s Heiji’s, so it could be worse. It’s definitely a weird feelin’ though. Hearin’ his voice whenever I try an’ say anythin’ is the probably worst of it, though I’m gettin’ used ta it.”

“Ah, that’s true.” Ran mused. “I wouldn’t like it either, but if it was with Shinichi…” Trailing off there a little, Ran felt her cheeks heat up a bit, quickly coughing into her hand to try and cover it up. It was too late though- it was obvious that Kazuha had already caught where her mind went to, she could tell that much in her eyes.

Though seeing as said eyes actually belonged to Heiji, seeing that familiar glint reflected back in them was somewhat awkward. Even if it did serve to help her recognize her friend a bit better within his body. She believed her, of course, there was no reason not to, but in truth, she was still having a bit of trouble fully grasping it.

“Don’t act like you haven’t.” Ran huffed, half averting her gaze from her. “I know you well enough to know that.”

“Ah, well that…” Letting out a nervous laugh, Kazuha could only tuck her hands into her pockets, suddenly not sure of what to do with them. “I might have, just a little. But the guy walks around half naked so often anyways, it wasn’t like there was that much ta be left ta the imagination!”

Besides, she was pretty sure Heiji had done the same to her, as much as she had warned him against it. If that was how it was going to be, then two could play at that game!

“Eh? Hattori-kun does things like that?” Ran asked, before pausing, considering her own words. “I guess that would explain that one time a bit.”

“One time?” Blinking a little, her words more than piquing her curiosity. “What do ya mean by that one time?”

“Ah, that one time on the boat, you know.” Ran said almost absently, before she realized that she was not actually speaking to the real Heiji, and therefore, the person inside might have no idea what she meant. “When he fell into the ocean. He was complaining about how he had to take off all of his clothes aside from his boxer shorts, and just kind of showed them to me, probably without thinking.”

“He did, did he?” Heaving a long sigh, Kazuha folded her arms in front of her chest, shaking her head. “Sorry about that, Ran-chan. Though I’m guessin’ if it was Kudo-kun who’d done it, ya wouldn’t be havin’ any complaints, would ya?”

“Geez, don’t tease me!” Ran protested, puffing out her cheeks. “But you’re right.”

“See, I knew it!” A bright grin on her face, Kazuha nodded her head. There was some part of her that was aware how strange this looked when her exterior was that of Heiji, but well… at the very least, around Ran, she wanted to be able to act a bit like her usual self. She wasn’t able to as often as she liked anymore, and while the same could be said for Heiji, she had put in a fair bit more effort than him at it.

Trying to pretend to be Heiji around those they hadn’t told could be rather exhausting, especially when she had to cover for him on top of everything else. Though he had promised to be a little more careful about not making obvious mistakes, Heiji was Heiji, even when he wasn’t, and he always was the type for whom old habits died hard.

Letting out a faint laugh, Ran could only smile. The outside might be different, which was a bit awkward, but inside, it was the same Kazuha as always. Still, that said, this was going to take a bit of getting used to.

“But what are you going to do, Kazuha-chan?” Ran asked, quickly getting them a bit back on topic. “You said that it’s already been a week, right?”

“Yeah, more or less.” Kazuha told her, shrugging her shoulders. “The worst part is tryin’ ta pretend that I’m actually this idiot, especially when I have ta clean up his own messes left an’ right. He doesn’t even make a convincin’ girl, much less a convincin’ me. At this rate, we’re gonna be exposed in no time.”

“Mm, I guess he wouldn’t.” Ran remarked. “But you’re right, that could cause a few problems in the future. Do you want me to help? Between the two of us, I’m pretty sure we could manage to whip him into shape in no time!”

“Oh, would ya?” Perking up at the offer, Kazuha could only grin. “That would be a big help, Ran-chan!”

“…Are you okay, Hattori?”

“Y-yeah. I just kinda. Got a bit of a chill fer some reason.”

#detective conan #hattori heiji #toyama kazuha #edogawa conan #mouri ran #anyways thanks for the fun prompt anon!#anonymous #asks

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