If this is true something needs to change

When I was in my 20's I used to wish for cancer because I hated who I was. I knew I should have been born male. Never wanting to truly face it, and not wanting to live to an age where I would have to be responsible for myself. I always imagined that if I got cancer I would let it take me.

Currently, I am on the edge of having a panic attack. My chest gets tight, my limbs and lips are on the edge of going numb. I am working with the public. It's happened twice before that I've been borderline anxiety attack fearing the I've cought the coronavirus. Today it was because I was tired. And probably because I smoked my last bit of cigarettes rather quickly and enough nicotine makes the body feel odd. I wanted this to be my last pack. The previous two times were consecutive days. I had a sinus infection setting in. I don't remember exactly how it felt. I just know that I almost had a panic attack two days in a row at work. It's likely there was a scratchy throat involved and feeling slightly nauseous. Which I don't believe bare symptoms. But you couldn't tell my over thinking brain that. The second day I had worried myself so much that I got a canker sore in my mouth.

Writing this has helped calm me down. Writing does that sometimes. I took a shower early partially because I was freaking out internally, also because if I feel asleep watching Empire Records, because it's Rex Manning Day, I wanted to have at least showered. I even made Mark's shirt (not very well) in Animal Crossing to try and chill myself out. But, while I was in the shower all I could think is I don't want to die before I start taking T. I don't want to die before I start to transition. It makes me laugh. And I just really need to start sleeping and taking my vitamins again.

saying “you are a burden on society” is just such a weird framing of priorities It’s like saying “wow, think how much better gas mileage your car would get if you weren’t sitting in it” or “think how dry that umbrella would be if you weren’t holding it in between you and the rainstorm”. the things we create? they’re for us. they are meant to carry us. they are meant to protect us. we are meant to hold them up to keep us dry. 

Hello. Any Trans masculine artist reccs? I loved your trans women one!

Athens Boys Choir - The stage name of Harvey Katz, a jewish pansexual homo-hop/lo-fi/spoken word artist. His music centers around sexuality, gender, and politics. On “Fagette” he quite literally sings about not having any penis envy, hooking up with men, and has a lyric where he actually says pansexual. I know, its a lot at once. Also check out “The metrosexual threw off my gaydar” and “homocoming king.”

Laith Ashley - Model & singer who made headlines for being one of the first transgender models in a national campaign. He also became the first trans member of the rpdr pit crew! He has two singles out, “Before you go” and “Can’t wait.”

Black Cracker - Hiphop/rap & spoken word artist and poet. His album “Come as U R” is probably my favorite by him!

Lucas Silveira - Portugese-Canadian folk/rock solo artist & vocalist of The Cliks. Growing up he called himself a lesbian before coming out in 2004. He’s stated that he feels “transgender by definition, but not by identity” due to him feeling it leans more towards the political than the personal. He was the first openly trans man signed to a major label!

Jake Edwards - Pop artist and youtuber! He’s actually just set a date for his top surgery. His debut album “Best So Far” was released in 2017. His song “Second Puberty” is about starting T. His latest EP “Pink + Blue” was released this year. Listen to “You cant tell me (i’m not a man)” and “Pink & Blue.”

Ren Stedman - independent folk musician. His latest album “festival friends” was released this year. Listen to “bigger balls than you” and “song for my mum and dad.”

Joe Stevens - Works as both a solo artist and as part of the folk band Coyote Grace! He dates women and has spoken about his “cultural queerness” and his past fear of losing his queer identity when he transitioned. Listen to “Daughterson” and “A guy named Joe.”

Ryan Cassata - 24 year old folk rock and indie singer-songwriter. He’s also an actor, activist, public speaker, and youtuber! He was the first openly transgender musician to perform at warped tour. His latest single “Daughter” is a trans anthem!

Katastrophe - The stage name of Rocco Kayiatos, a hiphop artist and rapper. He raps about sex, gender, politics, self worth, and lives that arent typically mainstream. He’s also one of the co-founders of “Original Plumbing” (the first magazine by trans men for trans men.) Listen to “Man enough.”

Skylar Kergil - folk/acoustic musician, activist, poet, and youtuber. He’s been documenting his transition since 2009. Listen to “Tell me a Story.” He was also in a more punk-ish band “degenerexix.”

Having a hard time getting in the right mindset and place to write

Truth.

Big Story Time (Posted elsewhere on July 26, 2019)

I promise I’ll get better at titles

     To help get everything out I wrote my story. Admittedly, it’s reads horribly. It took about two months to write out, with a lot of starting and stopping trying to figure out what I wanted to say. There was much cutting and pasting done-putting together life fragments. People were starting to ask if I was alright. I felt confronted every time. But I had to talk about it, I just didn’t know how. So, I started typing. My thoughts were pretty scattered. It’s was a scary thing to write because I have never been open about anything-not even with my best friend. Things were getting really bad for me last year. It’s funny how I kind of forgot about some of it, but Facebook memories has been reminding me. How I was trying to be a little more open with the anxiety. Still being scared to admit that I was also feeling depressed. I was hating myself more and more. I was uncomfortable everywhere I went. Working at a church was making everything worse. Especially when a few years back I had been asked to meet the pastor in his office, thinking it was going to be about some event we had coming up, I went in there just as normal as ever. I don’t even remember how he started out the conversation, but he did get to the hard question pretty quick. “Are you gay?” Someone in the congregation had went to him saying that I winked at their niece. How dumb would that be? Here, just let me out myself by winking at some girl I don’t even know. Then he asked if I had same-sex attractions and told me that there were and have been some gay congregation members. Was that supposed to make me feel comfortable to open up to him? How much is it going to freak him out when he finds out I’m transgender instead? I’ve been asked many times over why I’m still there. It’s a lack of confidence I have in myself, thinking employers will take one look at me and not want someone like me working for them. Even though I hate being there, I’m comfortable there. The biggest thing that keeps me there is that it’s a paycheck. It’s a small paycheck, but it’s money. Also, there is a kid in the youth group that doesn’t come often who is in the gender identity realm. He has been dressing in more feminine clothes and has tried using the girls bathroom. This kid isn’t there often enough for me to really try and talk to them. I want to try and get in a good enough rapport with them to ask if they would prefer female pronouns and it not be an uncomfortable conversation. That thing I hear all the time of being someone who you needed when you were younger, I want to be that person. Although there have been times when I just want to just flip everyone off and say that I’m trans and walk away.

     This is one of the hardest and scariest things I’ve done in my life. I never thought I would be here with everything. I honestly figured I would live out my entirety quiet in my own little world. But I couldn’t. I can’t. I was starting to get so stressed out about things that my hair was falling out. My anxiety would hit so hard sometimes it felt like I was going to throw up. Around the time I finished my writing out my story I could hardly eat. I had stomach ulcers when I was in fourth grade and I’m pretty sure that’s what was happening. I had to swig some Pepto before and after I ate. This lady at church thinks I’ve lost about twenty pounds. It probably isn’t that much. I’m short, so it probably just looks that way. I have gained some of it back recently because I grab drive though foods often and drive around in my car to play Pokémon Go (a lot). Luckily she didn’t ask what I was doing to lose weight. If I know the person well I’ll tell them develop some anxiety and depression and it will do wonders for you. Don’t know what I would say to anyone who I’m not close to. What makes all this so scary is finally talking about it. Trying to figure out who is safe to talk to. Knowing that I’m going to (and have) lost people who have been important to me. I feel like there are going to be some that will still love me but not agree with my choices. I still haven’t talked about this with my mom yet and that has been one of the most terrifying things to just think about doing. She doesn’t even know I’m in therapy. Everytime she’s been home and that’s where I was headed I would tell her I was going to go make a Pokémon trade or there was a raid I wanted to do. With this putting myself out there little by little this year it’s been crazy. It’s like slowly walking into a freshly opened freezing cold underground pool. Each step is bone chilling and breath-taking, then your body eases up to it and you can venture out further.

     I knew that I needed to get into therapy. I knew that I didn’t want to stay that way. I knew I wanted to get better. After I let a few people read my story, one who I consider a mentor, told me about a Christian counseling place and that was something I was trying to avoid. I had even posted on Facebook about that around this time last year. Thanks again Facebook memories. I had seen that there was a place in my area offering counseling and I didn’t want to go through them. I had all these preconceived notions about what they would tell me. That I was wrong. That I would need to pray and make all of these thoughts go away and feelings I had were of the devil. When he read my story and got me the info of a different place, another Christian counseling group. Even though I didn’t want to make an appointment there, I did, and I was put on a wait list. It’s was supposed to be a three month wait. It turned into a six month wait. In the mean time I was having a really bad week and got in touch with a different therapist. She was good and it was nice to start to talk to someone. Talking to someone who is impartial to events and people, getting out what I was going through was needed. When I finally got into the Christian group and met with that consoler a few times, the first therapist was moving her practice. For a couple weeks I met with both counselors/therapists, whatever title they go by. I had to let them both know there was someone else. Soon after that is when she had to reschedule a couple appointments and finally let me know that she was moving her practice and gave me the option to continue sessions with someone else within that group until she settled into her new place and she would contact me. With the Christian group, my consoler there at the same time was telling me that the head of his department doesn’t recommend someone seeing two therapists at the same time. I had a little bit of decision making to do, then with her moving her practice it made that decision pretty easy. He’s been a great help, and he understands and takes things from a medical perspective as well as an Evangelical. Something I never thought would be possible. And he pushes me to get things done, in a good way and at my own speed. Getting all of this out has helped so much with my stress levels and anxieties. My depression comes in waves. I don’t think either the depression or anxiety are bad enough for medication. I know that the majority of it is situational and environmental and don’t want to start putting chemicals in my body now to eventually wean myself off of them. I did start smoking back in August of 2018 (that’s when I let people read my story).  I woke up every morning feeling like I was in shock. I couldn’t even finish a cup of coffee. It was probably sometime in late October before I could finish a single cup of coffee. But, now I’m beginning to like myself and except myself. I’ve been able to talk about some of these issues with a few close people. It’s frightening and freeing at the same time to verbalize these words. It’s something else….

     If you don’t know the feeling of what it would feel like if your soul were dying you’re extremely lucky. That’s probably the best way I can describe how I was feeling. I would constantly in my head say I was dying, then one day I started kind of mutter it to myself. I had lost myself. All my secrets, everything I pretended to not be, that’s who I was. I was everything I kept hidden. I was every little secret I had. That was my identity. A masculine looking female that only ever talked about music and Pokémon Go, and whatever else. There was this little world I had (it’s probably sad and stupid) that I’m male. When anyone ever used female pronouns I could kind of switch it around and replay those moments and hear male pronouns. It wasn’t a 100% success, sometimes it helped and sometimes it chipped away at that little world. It’s possible I forced myself into being an introvert because I could be alone and be who I was. I could practice and learn songs by male artists and not feel weird for singing about pretty girls and heartbreak. I could watch interviews of Emma Stone, Aubrey Plaza, and Rosario Dawson or whoever was the celebrity crush at the time and not worry what the expressions on my face showed. When I was alone in my car I felt more masculine. I That’s where I felt most myself. That’s kind of my little world. That’s who I was. I kind of lost that when I opened up to a few people. I lost who I was and I had to find who I am again. I mean, I’m still the same person but now I’m more than what I was.

     I am going to be a better me. I have support, even if I seclude myself away from people because I don’t want to burden them with my problems or feel like they don’t have time for me. I am so determined to be better. How I came out feels like it  was a dive into the deep end and sometimes I think it was the dumbest way to do what I did. If I wouldn’t have done it that way I don’t know if I ever would have. I tell myself all the time, “Refuse to stay feeling like shit. Refuse to stay in fear of everything.” I refuse.

Not sure why I’m even writing this. But I guess it feels right

It sort of feels like I have to-like an exorcism

I guess that makes me sound crazy but that’s alright

Lately I feel like I might be, not that I’ve heard any voices or anything

Just like that everyday kind, where you forget things you shouldn’t

and you think too much about death

“A Departure” by La Dispute

I’m just suffering from changes

Locked outside for good

Paper cut by turning pages

Sitting under dust cause

I’m not understood

“Changes” by Mutemath

Where you goin’ when you stop halfway up the mountain?

I don’t know where I got the strength from but I found it

Your feet can

Betray you

Don’t let go

Of breakthrough

Don’t stop when you’ve gone halfway up the

Mountain

“Mountain” by Tunde Olaniran

Let’s Get Started (Originally posted elsewhere on June 13, 2019)

    Music is a big part of my life.  A majority of people (at least those I know) would say the same thing. A favorite band or a song that someone feels defines a part of them. Songs can help you through a rough time. A song can lift your mood. Songs create this narrative for us that we sometimes can’t explain ourselves. We create playlists, in our phones, iPods, Spotify, Apple Music, whatever your favorite platform is. Some even still make a mix in CD form. We can share these songs, keep them to ourselves, even force these songs on others. “Listen to this song. It’s so me. This is my life!” I have tried to share songs quietly by sharing them on Facebook or slipping into a mix I’ve given to someone hoping something in the lyrics would click with them and hear me in the song.

     I’m also big into story. I once made a 3 CD mix for a girl, taking lyrics from the songs and turning them into a story for her. I never gave it to her. It would have been weird and possibly inappropriate. I’ll reveal why in a minute. I find songs all the time where maybe one line resounds with me, and it brings out a little bit of my life. I have a playlist of those songs and one day while listening to that playlist a thought came to mind and wondered if I should take those bits of songs and do something with them. Should I start a blog? I used to have a Tumblr, but that might not be the best place. That Tumblr hasn’t been active in about four years though. There are some people who know/knew about it and I’m not ready for some of them to know what I’m going through.

    All my life I’ve never liked who I am. It all started to hit pretty hard over the past year. Some friends were able to tell and had many people asking if I was alright. I would tell them I was fine or had just a little anxiety. Never once in my life did I feel normal. I always hated myself, my body. I was considered a tomboy, probably thought to be a phase by most. Once one of my great-aunts had asked my mom, “What if she is a lesbian?” I was pretty young when my mom told me that and I knew then that I wasn’t. I knew that I felt like a boy. In my heart, I was a boy. Being gay would probably be a whole lot easier than being transgender. There are so many things that will change and everyone will have to get used to it or just not be part of my life. Someone one day posted or liked a tweet by this guy with a goofy profile picture of him wearing tiny sunglasses, I was intrigued. I looked to see what he was about and found out he was this transgender guy, I may have hesitated a little but followed him immediately. There was a lot of wondering on my part if I should continue to follow him. What if my Christian friends looked at who I follow? What if I liked one of his tweets, or responded, or even worse felt compelled to retweet something? What will happen if I get found out? By following him I have found other trans guys and a watched a bunch of videos. I have found out so many things. There is more than just testosterone injections, getting top surgery to remove these things on my chest I carry around, more than just a voice change.

    I wrote this horrible Cliff’s Notes version of my life and let a few friends read it. I even came clean with a now former friend of some feelings I had for her. I’m sure I must have done something else other than revealing that to make that friendship end the way it did. Parts of that week are kind of a blur. It was so stressful finally getting all this bottled up mess out. It’s a little embarrassing actually. Maybe it shouldn’t be. I wish I knew what it was that I did. I had to write my story. I had to let her know. I had to get it all out. If I didn’t I knew I would get more anxious. I know I would get even more depressed. I knew I would begin to completely loathe who I am and everything about my life. I didn’t want that. I don’t think I could deal with that. I knew I needed to get better, to not hate myself any longer. To feel like a person.

    One of the hardest parts of going through this is that I’m in my late 30’s and have never talked about this until 9 months ago. The other hard part is I work at a church. That’s where I met the girl I made the 3 CD/story mix for, and that was yeaaaaaarrrrrrrrrssss ago. I’m not a pastor or leader of any sort really. Recently the church (more like that pastor) has been softly going after gender identity and it hurts-they don’t understand. I heard someone once say something along the lines of, “If you feel upset about it in your spirit it’s the conviction of the Holy Spirit.” I used to just roll my eyes when they would speak out against homosexuality because I knew they didn’t understand and/or didn’t want to. Now that it seems like they are losing that fight, the religious Christians are gunning for those who struggle with gender identity. It hurts. It feels so hate driven. Maybe they don’t mean to be that way. Maybe they don’t know they sound that way. And with every “amen” I hear it tares me down. I can feel the disgust. I can imagine the look of disappointment in the faces of those who used to be so happy to see me and want to hug me. Or the fake love they will give. And, the discomfort I feel is not the conviction of the Holy Spirit, it’s that lack of their understanding. It’s that judgment I feel from the tone of their words. The discomfort I feel is their unease for those like me and all the other types of people in the LGBT community.

    For over 30 years I’ve struggled with who I am. For nearly 30 years I’ve had kids asking if I were a boy or a girl. I knew I hated who I was from an early age. Those many birthday candle blowouts or first star I see tonight wishes to be a boy. In kindergarten never playing dolls or house with girls on the other side of the room. Except for that one time I tried and that probably lasted all of two minutes, then went right back to playing on the slide and painting on the easel on the other side of the room with the boys. In first grade stealing a baby bottle nipple and fixing it to where it would need to be for me to stand up and pee. It worked surprisingly well. I then didn’t know what to do with it because I tried it in school during a restroom break and threw the bottle nipple in some random corner of the girls bathroom. Somehow one of the girls saw my feet facing the toilet and for years would tell me that she saw me peeing standing up. It was always when there were other kids around and I would get so embarrassed. For years I’ve been holding in this sadness. Holding in my fears. Letting it develop into a painful anxiety and depression. And to be honest I never thought I would make it this far in progress and in life. I used to pray that if this was all wrong that God would give me cancer so that I could die.  I’m still here.

    I’m in therapy now. It’s been helping me tremendously. But writing things down has always been a way for me to really get things out because I can think about how I want to say things. I’m not always good at getting things out while talking, I shut down. Recently though, after being open about things, it’s a little easier to talk. And, what the fuck is up with all the damn crying that comes with it. Fuck me. I have cried more in the past year than I have in probably the past 15 years. I guess I’m finally finding my way out.

    Being a very scattered thought person, I am writing multiple posts at the same time. I will try my best to not repeat things and if anything is ever confusing I apologize beforehand. The girl I am no longer friends with, in our last texting conversation she said something like I was just trying to get attention and acting like a middle schooler, I almost didn’t do this out of fear that it would look like I was trying to seek attention. I’m not. I’m just trying to get better. And I’m not sure if every post will have a relatable song or if every post will have a song, but I’ll try. If there is ever a song you think fits with a post or maybe a song you think I would enjoy go ahead a let me know. Please ask me questions. Even the dumbest questions. And If your a friend of mine keep on me about getting this stuff out. I kind of hate that I’m finally posting this during Pride Month. Mostly because I don’t want it to seem like that is why I’m starting this. It’s merely a coincidence that this is getting posted now.

I’ve always struggled at the root of the problem Has it been absence or my constant lack of defense? I’ve never spent a lot on finding a remedy I guess I figured that it hurts for a reason I guess that’s why I’ve always turned to writing it down Not just in stories but the letters in between And I guess that’s why it haunts the pages of everything To self-examine I think the thing is that I shut off from everything From friends and family and my own ambitions From having fun I just shut off from everything Self-defeating? Yeah, probably

“A Letter” by La Dispute

My friend, don’t look down

You’ve got to face what’s in front of you now

Don’t waste your time making excuses

Cause son you’re about to find out

You might just figure out

What you’re made of

“Not Fair” by Bayside 

Don’t let them break you.

Don’t let them tell you who you are

“Bamboo Bones” by Against Me!

My latest comic for The Nib was written by my friend Mike Thompson- it’s his first published comics work! 

The Nib has been a steady source of income and a huge support to me and many other indie cartoonists for years. They publish amazing work, but will be cut loose by their financial backer in July. You can read the official post about it from editor Matt Bors here.  They are still running their kickstarter-funded print magazine, but have to put digital publishing on hiatus until they figure out their next steps. If you’ve been thinking about supporting their membership program, now would be a good time. They have levels from $2 to $40 per month. I really don’t want this to be my last Nib piece! 

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