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seaweedbrain404 · 3 years

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Wolfstar Au: Questions and Confessions (pt 3 of Parties and Morning Regrets)

tw: panic attack

pt 2

pt4

read it on ao3

obligatory tag for @icitlali as you’re pretty much the main reason this fic turned into a series, i hope you enjoy it!

When Remus woke up again, hours later, he noticed three things. 1) there was a blanket over him, 2) Lily was home, he could hear her singing along to music in the kitchen and 3) Sirius was nowhere to be seen.

Just as well, Remus thought as he got up. He felt and heard all of his joints clicking and cracking while he stretched. He wrapped the blanket tightly around himself and waddled into the kitchen.

“Hi” He whispered, despite not having to.

Lily spun around, catching him in a hug. “Feeling better?” she asked, pressing her face against his chest.

“Yeah, sleep is good” Remus nodded as they let go, and Lily went back to cooking.

“I’m making dinner, you were asleep for ages”

“Figured, I’m starved”

“I slept with James”

“James?” The name vaguely rang a bell in Remus’ head but it’s not like he knew a lot of people called James.

“Potter- James Potter, remember?” Lily chewed her bottom lip, “from school?”

“Oh”

James Potter had been best friends with Sirius Black and that was probably the only way Remus knew him. There was also the fact that he had chased after Lily for most of their school days. Most people thought he was a rich, spoiled and arrogant boy but Remus found he never really saw him like that. From their limited interactions, Remus thought James was actually a quite pleasant person, a little big-headed but all round a good bloke.

“Yeah”

“And?” Remus waved his hands around, nearly letting the blanket fall to his feet.

“And… we may have exchanged numbers”

“Lily!”

“What?!”

“You always said you hated him!”

“Well I did… but, he got really fit” Lily admitted, pink dusting her cheeks.

“Fit? you slept with him cause he got fit?”

“Kind of- I mean, we talked at the party and he told me about his work and Remus, he’s a human rights lawyer”

This was an interesting piece of information. Remus didn’t know that James was also a lawyer but he did remember Sirius mentioning something about him the night of the party. Did this mean that maybe Remus was wrong? Maybe Sirius wasn’t working for his father anymore and he was in New York to team up with James. It was unlikely though since he specifically remembered his brain latching onto Sirius saying something along the lines of him doing business for his father. There was always the possibility of Sirius lying. However, Remus felt that was unlikely too. Sirius wasn’t much of a liar unless he had to.

He must’ve been quiet for too long because Lily nudged him gently. “Hey, you okay?”

“Yeah, yeah” Remus nodded, “just thinking”

“Bad thinking or good thinking”

Remus shrugged. “Just… thinking”

“Does it have anything to do with you definitely sleeping with your gorgeous ex-boyfriend the other night?”

Remus’ face reddened and he pulled the blanket tighter around himself as if it could shield him from all his problems and worries.

“Ha! I knew it” Lily was practically jumping up and down. “He left his phone number”

Remus groaned. “Throw it away”

“What?”

“Bin it, burn it, I don’t care”

“Remus, you can’t just cut off anyone who makes you feel things” Lily sighed.

“I don’t do that” Lie. He did it all the time.

“Yes you do… remember when you dated Anna? or Frank? or Sam?”

Remus shrugged and made a vague noise. He didn’t like where this was going but Lily carried on.

“You pushed them away as soon as it got too real, as soon as it got serious”

“Well, I just didn’t want to settle down with them”

“And why’s that, my friend?”

“I don’t know… they weren’t right” Remus shrugged again, “who are you? my therapist?”

“I’m your friend, idiot” Lily lightly hit his arm, smiling despite fully reading Remus like today’s paper. “I just think we both know it’s because they weren’t Sirius”

Remus had nothing to say to that. “Just… bin the number, I don’t want to talk to him”

Lily sighed, exasperated. “You don’t have to talk to him but I’m not throwing out his number, just in case”

“I’m not going to call him” He replied, leaning his chin on her shoulder.

“I know, you’re too set on making yourself miserable”

“That’s not true”

“Oh sure”

“I don’t even like him”

“I saw the way he looked at you, clearly he still cares a lot about you and…” she paused, kissing Remus’ forehead before reaching for two plates. “you do too or else you wouldn’t have invited him up earlier”

“I just didn’t want to leave him out in the cold” That’s all there was to it, Remus had told himself earlier. He was tired and leaving Sirius outside, alone in the cold, in a city he probably wasn’t familiar with just seemed like the wrong thing to do.

“Sounds like caring to me” Lily replied in a sing-songy voice.

Remus resorted to sticking his tongue out instead of formulating a response.

Lily passed him a plate filled with pasta and the two brought their food to the sitting room. “Who’s manning the bakery?” Remus asked, suddenly realising that neither one of them had gone to work.

“Marlene and Dorcas, I went in to check when I was picking up Mrs Pettigrew’s shopping” Lily paused for a forkful of pasta before continuing. “She was asking about you”

“Why me?”

“Dunno, she likes you”

Remus raised his eyebrow, changing the channel and ending up on an episode of Doctor Who.

“Yeah, I don’t know why but she said you should drop by soon” Lily added.

“Mmm, I might later”

The two finished their dinner in a comfortable silence, occasionally commenting on what the current Doctor was getting up to. After dinner, Lily showered and Remus finally got the chance to take that bath he had wanted nearly all day. He bid Lily an early goodnight afterwards, seeing as he was up for the morning shift the next day.

Remus didn’t mind working at the bakery, it meant he never had to walk far to get to work or to get home. He wasn’t passionate about it like Lily was though which meant for him, waking up at the arse crack of dawn wasn’t worth it. Still, he got up, feeling a billion times better than the day before, and got dressed. It was 4am when he got there and the only other person with him was Mary McDonald.

Mary was a good friend of Lily’s and just as passionate about making the best baked goods as she was. Their entire staff consisted of five people, usually there were two people there from 4 am up until 4 pm (despite it opening hours being 8am to 3 pm). During busier hours, another person came in from 11 am to 2 pm. It was a small business but it was open every day and sold everything from custom order cakes to bread, rolls and just nearly every other baked good under the sun. Lily was a fair boss and no one had to be in work for 4 am two days in a row since the bakery was so small, they didn’t need more than three people there at the one time. Usually they got by with just the two.

“Morning” Mary rubbed her eyes, turning on the radio when Remus walked in.

“ ‘Ello” He saluted, getting ready to sanitise the kitchen and get the dough prepared for all the baked goods they would be selling that day.

Remus liked working with Mary. She was quiet enough and most of the time the two got to enjoy listening to the radio, singing along to songs or commenting on the news as they worked. He hadn’t even thought about Sirius since the night before and all was going great.

That was until the clock hit 2:15. That was when Remus was working the till and that was when Sirius waltzed into the small establishment. Remus knew it wasn’t a coincidence because Lily’s bakery was small and very very local. There was no way Sirius had just so happened to wander in off the street.

To Remus’ dismay, after Sirius bought an eclair and a cup of coffee, he didn’t leave. Sirius didn’t leave even when he had finished, instead stuck around and ordered another coffee. Who drinks so much coffee, thought Remus, feeling more and more annoyed the more time Sirius spent not leaving. Eventually, it was time for Remus’ break and Mary took over the till.

Remus went out the back, into the alleyway for a cig and a yogurt. Unfortunately, he didn’t get to enjoy much of his lunch break by himself because after he had eaten, and lit the cigarette, someone he didn’t want to see appeared in his line of vision.

“You haven’t called”

Straight to the point then, Remus thought, taking an extra long drag of the cig. “No”

“Why not?” Sirius shoved his hands in his pockets, shifting his weight between his two feet.

“Why is it that you always get to be the one asking questions and pointing out how much I’ve changed?” Remus countered, putting the cigarette out on the ashy tray on the windowsill.

Sirius didn’t say anything so Remus straightened and took a step forward with his hands tucked under his arms, to keep the cold off. The fingerless gloves weren’t much help. “How come you’re New York? Why are you still working for your father’s bloody firm? And why are you so quiet and subdued?”

While all of this was spilling out of Remus, he suddenly found himself right up in Sirius’ face with his breath ghosting his lips. Sirius didn’t back down though as steel grey met blazing amber.

“You never asked” He replied simply.

“Because you never gave me the chance to!” Remus took a step back and one forward again. “I did now so… go on, out with it”

“My father recently branched out to America, New York to be specific and I…. I wanted- no, I needed to get away” Sirius spat out. “I needed to get away from my parents because I had enough of them and everything they stood for and… and I finally stopped being so afraid of them!”

“So why did you go after me then?”

“I didn’t go after you”

“You talked to me at the party and then you showed up at my workplace” Remus reasoned, “I’m so sorry that I misread the fucking signs!”

“You’re the one that invited me up to the flat!”

“Yes, because it was cold out and I didn’t want to be that guy who left someone in a new city out in the freezing fucking cold”

“Really? because you didn’t have a problem making jabs at me and being a cruel bastard”

“Oh I’m the bastard, sure”

“That’s not fair and you know it!”

“Well life isn’t fair either and you don’t get to decide what’s fair and what’s not, so how about you fuck off Sirius”

“No” came Sirius’ sharp reply.

“I beg your pardon?”

“I said no” Sirius’ voice was shaking and Remus hated himself for wanting to comfort him. “No because I’m still in love with you even though you clearly don’t want me to be because you’re acting like a condescending asshole 90% of the time and the other 10 you remind me of the guy I fell for in Year 7”

Remus felt winded. Year 7?? “You- you can’t just drop that on me….” He trailed off, staggering backwards. “I need get back to work”

He turned on his heel and ran a hand through his hair. Sirius said something, shouted Remus’ name maybe but his voice sounded distant and fogged. Somehow he stumbled back into the bakery to see Mary look at him with worried eyes.

“Remus?”

Her voice was distant too and the room was too warm. His lungs wouldn’t fill properly and his head spun. He felt like he was going to pass out and he would’ve literally hit the ground if Mary hadn’t caught him.

She put him in a chair against the wall and grabbed a bottle of water, fusing over him and saying things Remus wasn’t hearing because the sound of his heart racing was far too loud. Yep, this is how I die, he thought, leaning back in the chair and letting his head hit the wall.

Suddenly Mary appeared in front of him again, he could only tell by the hands on his shoulders as his eyes were closed. “Remus? Remus, deep breaths love” when Remus was unresponsive she tried again. “Remus breathe in, 1.. 2.. 3.. 4.. and hold the breath 2... 3.. 4.. 5.. 6.. 7.. and out again, 2… 3… 4… 5… 6… 7… 8…”

This time Remus followed Mary’s lead. They did the breathing exercise a couple more times before Remus felt stable enough to open his eyes again. “What happened?”

“Listen I-“ Remus cut himself off because what did happen. “Thank you, I don’t really- can we not talk about it?”

Mary was kind, there was no denying that. She nodded, despite looking concerned. “Of course, yeah, whatever makes you comfortable”

Mary insisted that Remus stay in the back for the rest of the day and he was happy enough not having to man the till. Sirius had completely disappeared and Remus was too tired to do anything about it. At 3pm, Mary locked up and they set about preparing ingredients and products for the next day, freezing selected stock and cleaning the kitchen.

By the time they had finished Mary was still concerned. “Hey, are you alright now?”

“Mmm, yeah, I’m good” Remus would’ve preferred to face Sirius again and risk another panic attack rather than have to talk to Mary about what happened earlier.

Mary gave him a tight smile and put a hand on his arm. “Mind yourself, yeah?” she gave his arm a light squeeze before the two went their separate ways.

#marauders #marauders fic #marauders au #modern marauders #hp marauders #remus lupin #sirius black #wolfstar #wolfstar fanfiction #wolfstar angst #wolfstar fic #sirius x remus #remus x sirius #wolfstar au #lily evans #background jily #mary mcdonald

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aerynwrites · 4 years

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Liar (Part 2) - Javier Peña x Reader

Author’s Note: Can we all please admire this wonderufl gif of one of the most beautiful men ever? thank you. okay so now that the obligatory Pedro admiration is out of the way...Here is Liar Part 2 Finally! A ton of you guys requested a second part to the first one and while i wasn’t planning on it being more than one part here we are lol. I hop you guys enjoy it!

Liar (part 1)

Word count: 2.8k

Warnings: cursing, (tiny bit of violence), angst, fluff

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It had been over a week since the argument between you and Javier in your apartment, and things had not gotten any better. You had remained cordial at work, doing what you needed to do in order to complete your everyday tasks and help both Steve and Javier in the journey to take down Escobar, but you had been distant. No more were the late-night bar outings with Steve, Connie, and Javier. No more were the movie nights in Javier’s apartment. You had completely shut yourself off from everyone around you in favor of the cold seclusion of your apartment, and it killed Javier.

He noticed the way you wouldn’t even look at him anymore. And when you did, it was with the same wounded and distant expression that has been burned in Javier’s mind since that fateful night many days ago. He hated himself for what he had said, and he knew you were right about his lies. He had lied straight to your face in order to, in his eyes, protect you from himself. Javier knew you deserved better than him. Better than some worn out DEA bachelor who was afraid of commitment and attachments. Since the argument, he has had many lonely hours to think. Think about why he actually said what he did, why he said all those hurtful things to you instead of taking you into his arms like his consciousness was screaming at him to do. And the only conclusion he could seem to come to was that he was in love with you.

In love?

Javier scoffed quietly at the idea as he looked down at the same page of the report, he had been staring at for the past thirty minutes. He tried to shake away the thought that had been plaguing his every waking, and sleeping, moment for the past few days. The last time he was in love with someone he had left her on the altar, convincing himself that it was the right thing to do for her; and while that may have been true, he was terrified of hurting you anymore that he already had. With his brows furrowed at his own thoughts of you, he cast a careful glance at your desk adjacent from his, sitting empty and void of any signs of life. A frown settled itself on the man’s lips as he straightened up in his seat leaning back in the old office chair. Come to think of it, Javier hadn’t seen you come into the office yesterday either. This was an odd occurrence considering you had never even taken so much as a sick day since you started at the embassy, so the thought of you not showing up two days in a row caused a seed of worry to plant itself inside Javier’s chest.

He removed his gaze from your empty desk to look at his partner sitting across from him, concentrated on the file in front of him as he scribbled down notes erratically.

“Murphy,” he begins, catching the agent’s attention, “Do you know where (y/n) is? It’s not like her to not show up to work two days in a row,” he said worriedly.

Despite the fight you all had, Javier still cared for you. In fact, he had even been considering going to talk to you fairly soon, finally shoving down his pride so he could do what’s right and fix what he had broken. But the confused and slightly sympathetic look that crossed Steve’s face had Javier’s heart skipping a beat as the agent spoke.

“Maybe you should go check on her,” he suggests slowly, going back to writing notes.

Javier stood from his seat and looked down at his partner frustratedly, “What aren’t you telling me Murphy?” he bites.

Murphy, ever the one to stand up to Javier’s demanding aura, shifted uncharacteristically under his gaze, “She-“ he stops for a moment, and finally leans back to look into his partners eyes, “Did you seriously not know?”

Apparently, he did not.

He clutches the back of his office hair desperately, worry and frustration eating at him, “Didn’t know what? Steve, just fucking spit it out already,” he barks.

Steve lets out a sigh, “(y/n), put in for a transfer back to the states a week ago. It was approved and she’s set to fly out today,” Steve says reluctantly, “She’s probably back at her apartment packing.”

“Why didn’t you tell me!” Javier scolds, ripping his jacket from the back of the chair before storming out of the office, Steve stumbling behind him.

“I thought you knew!” he defends, following Javier out to his car and watches as he throws the door open more forcefully then necessary, “Where are you going Pen͂a?”

Javier slides into the car and turns the ignition turning to his friend, “I’m going to fix this,” he says simply, before closing his car door and speeding towards your apartment.

------

Javier knocked at your door with three firm and fast taps, urging you to open the door as quickly as possible.

He had to talk to you.

He had never felt his heart plummet faster than the moment that Steve had told him you were leaving. It felt like his entire being folded in on itself at the thought of never seeing you again, and all because he was a stupid, arrogant jackass who couldn’t admit his own faults. He felt his heart slam against his ribcage as more time passed after his initial knocking. He didn’t hear you call out from within, and you didn’t answer the door, so he knocked again, louder this time with more urgency.

“(y/n), please open the door,” he calls, voice pleading, “I know you said you never wanted to see me here again but – “ his voice falters, “please let me in – let me explain.”

The opening of a door caught Javier’s attention and he stood a bit straighter as he saw Connie exit her and Steve’s apartment next to yours, eyes wide as she noticed Javier.

“Javier? What are you doing here?” she asks, incredulously.

Javier looks from her to your apartment door, “I was uh – I was trying to see (y/n). I just found out she requested a transfer and I didn’t want to leave things the way they were,” he admitted quietly.

Connie looks at him with a look of pity in her eyes before resting a gentle hand on his arm, “Javier…” she trails off for a moment before continuing, “(y/n)’s gone. She left for the airport half an hour ago,” she says sadly.

Javier felt his stomach turn and his eyes snapped up to meet hers and he grasped her hand desperately, “What? When does her flight leave?” he asks frantically.

Connie shakes her head, clearly caught off guard by Javier’s panicked behavior, “I-I don’t know, she seemed in a hurry, so I think it leaves soon.”

As soon as the words meet his ears Javier drops Connie’s hand, turns on his heel, and rushes from the building back to his car. He jumps in and starts the ignition once more and screeches out of the parking lot in the direction of the airport.

The drive, which should only take at least ten minutes, seems to drag on forever for Javier. It seems that he catches every red light as his blood rushes in his ears and he speeds down the roadways, desperate to reach you before you’re gone for good. After what seems like hours, he finally reaches the airport and pulls up haphazardly to the valet, tossing them his keys before sprinting into the lobby of the large building. His heart feels like it might fly from his chest at how fast it’s beating as he runs through the crowded airport, eyes glancing over the flight directory frantically until he finds yours. His heart leaps into his throat as he sees that the plane hasn’t departed yet, but it falls once more when he sees that it’s supposed to leave in ten minutes. He begins to run once more.

He navigates the large hallways twisting and turning and fighting through security until he finally reaches your gate and his eyes land on your all too familiar form, handing over your boarding ticket to the flight attendant. He rushes to you, his emotions clouding his rational judgment, and his hands slips around your wrist.

You turn around, startled at the sudden contact, and your eyes widen as they meet those of a very disheveled looking Javier, and your lips settle into a thin line as you speak, “What are you doing here?” you ask sternly.

The flight attendant hands you back your ticket, allowing you to move a few steps to the side with him, out of the flow of traffic, but still very much in the public eye.

Javier’s mouth opened and closed, his mind running blank now that he is standing in front of you. The only words he can manage to push out past his still labored breathing are, “Please don’t leave.”

You scoff ripping your hand from his grasp and taking a step back, “Why? Why should I continue to stay here where I’m clearly not wanted?” you ask, anger seeping into your words, “I want to go home Javier.”

He shakes his head, his mind more clear now but still unsure of what he could possibly say to fix the situation- change your mind and get you to stay here – with him.

“You are wanted,” he defends, voice quiet, “Steve and Connie are torn up that you left, and I-“ he paused, “Why didn’t you tell me?”

Confusion began to worm its way into your mind along with all the anger and other confused emotions swirling around inside of you. Javier was sitting here at the airport trying to stop you from leaving when a week before he told you that you were nothing more than a fuck-buddy.

“Why didn’t I tell you?” you grind out, voice raising an octave higher than normal, “You fucker. you – “ you jab an accusing finger into his chest, “you did this. You told me that what we had meant nothing to you,” your voice cracked as you spoke and pulled your hand down to your side clenching and unclenching as a way to keep some form of composure, “You’re a fucking asshole Javier, and I thought I told you last time I didn’t ever want to see you again.”

While you tried to keep yourself composed on the outside, you were currently a confused and emotional mess on the inside. Javier showing up at the airport was not something you saw happening. You thought he hated you after what had happened, and you told him your true feelings. That’s why you were leaving; because you couldn’t stand the thought of the man you loved hating your guts for the duration of your time in Colombia. So, him showing up here, it was ruining everything. Your plan of a quick and quiet escape and to not tell Javier about it to avoid…this – was now forfeit as the man stood in front of you know desperately pleading for you.

Javier sighed, running a hand through his hair, “I know. I know what you said – but I had to explain myself. I can’t let you leave when things are like this,” his words are urgent as the last call for the plane rings through the intercoms and you start to turn away from him.

“Well it’s too late for apologies. I have to go.”

“I was lying!” he calls out, his words stopping you in your tracks as you barely turn to look over your shoulder, “That night, when you said I was lying – you were right. I was lying, because that’s the only thing I know how to do right. If I push the people I care about away, I can’t hurt them. I’m fucked up,” his voice is a little louder now as he approaches you and grasps your arm gently but you don’t turn around, “I’m so messed up and I thought by pushing you away and saying all those stupid fucking things that I was saving you.”

He finished his explanation and a tense silence hung in the air around you as he waited for you to respond. You stood there, unsure of what to do. Your heart was telling you to turn around and go back to your apartment with the man you love, but the other, more rational part, was telling you to leave. So, you listened to the latter and pulled your arm from his grip, “You fucked up Javier. You didn’t save me –“ you finally turned to face him a bit more, your watery gaze meeting his own, “You killed me.” And with those final words you walked down the hallway to board the plane, leaving him to stare after you.[2]

His blood felt like ice in his veins as you disappeared from sight, his heart weighing heavy in his chest as he turned around and walked slowly away from the gate. He wasn’t mad, how could he be? This situation was his own doing and as the saying goes: he made his bed, so now he has to lie in it. He has to lie in his own misery and heartbreak, in his lonely and dark apartment until they catch Escobar…and who knows how long that will take. Javier wasn’t usually an emotional man but this -this was a little too much for him to take. It felt like his heart was being ripped out of his chest, and he supposed it was, since you held his heart in your hands and were currently boarding a plane to take you thousands of miles away. He was so caught up in his own inner turmoil, he didn’t hear the sound of rapid footfalls approaching him from behind.

You had come back.

You were just about to board the plane, when you felt your own heart constrict. You stood there momentarily ignoring the annoyed look of the flight attendants waiting to close the plane door, and instead grasped desperately at your purse strap, the leather digging into your hand painfully. You cast a glance over your shoulder, then back to the flight crew, “I’m sorry. I won’t be boarding,” you rushed out before turning back the way you came and running out of the boarding tunnel towards the one person you truly loved.

People stared at you quizzically as you ran by them and towards the exit of the airport. You spotted Javier almost immediately, as he hadn’t gotten far from the terminal. You ran to him before finally calling out his name a few feet away.

Javier heard his name slip from your lips in an all too familiar whisper and he spun around, catching you in his arms as he did so. The force of the impact almost knocked him over, but he managed to stay standing as you wrapped your arms around his waist and buried your face in his chest.

“I don’t want to go, I can’t.” you whimper as you look up at him through your tear soaked lashes, “But if I stay, you have to fucking promise me you won’t do this to me again.”

Javier’s eyes widen, and he shakes his head, “Never. I just –“ he stumbles over his words, “I hate who I am, and you deserve so much better than me and what I can give you,” he explains, his own emotions forming a lump in his throat, “you deserve the world and I can’t give you that.” He admits.

You shake your head and bring one of your hands to rest gently on the side of his face, thumb running over his cheek lightly, “But you can give me a home,” you say quietly, “what you did was shitty Javier, you know that and I know that but-“ you pause taking in a deep breath, “For some reason I still love you, so much, and I can’t keep ignoring it.”

Javier doesn’t speak. How can he? You pretty much just admitted that you knew what he did was terrible and awful, yet you still love him, and you were still willing to give him a second chance to do right and make up for what he had done.

Before you realize what’s happening, Javier has his hands on the sides of your face and is pulling you into a passionate kiss. Every unsaid word every sleepless night from both of you is spilt into this kiss and you bring your hands up to his shoulders to keep you grounded. He finally pulls away and rests his forehead on yours.

“I love you Javi,” you whisper.

Javier smiles at the nickname he had missed hearing so much and pulls you into a tight embrace.

“I love you too.”

A sharp crack fills the air as you and Javi exit the airport and he turns to face you hand cradling his reddening cheek.

“What the hell?” he exclaims, eyes wide in surprise.

You cross your arms, “That was for lying to me.”

He shrugs before rubbing his face lightly, “Okay, I deserved that.”

/////

All Pedro Stuff Tag: @fleurdemiel145 @sargesbestgirl @lustriix @yeah-boiiiiiiiiiii @longitud-de-onda @jellyfishpoptart @ah-callie

Permanent Tags: @lord-wolfgen @petalduck @sebastianstanslefteyebrow @stillreadingfantasy @jokersdoll

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#Javier pena x reader #javier peña #steve murphy #connie murphy #narcos x reader #narcos #pedro pascal #pedro pascal x reader

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fragmentedfemme · 4 years

Text

Breaking Free

The rain was pouring outside, the deluge was drumming its icy cold fingers against the skylight above. I lay in bed watching the trickles down the slant of the window into the gutter below, my mind full of thoughts, each one chasing the other round and round in circles. I tilted my head to the side to glance at the alarm clock at Kevin’s side of the bed. 3.05am. Five more minutes then it was time. Just like I practised over the last month.

I looked again. It was time. I carefully pulled back the sheets as so not to wake the man lying next to me. His arm was draped over me, heavy across my stomach. Gently I lifted his arm and moved it off of me, with careful and precise movements I sat up and slid out of bed. I crept around the bed doing my best not to wake Kevin, it was unlikely he would wake though. He had drunk enough for a football team last night, but I could never be quite sure if he would wake up to go pee or sleep like the dead. I was taking a huge chance. But it had to be tonight, now that I was strong enough to follow through.

I heard the bed creak and I froze in place, holding my breath and glanced over my shoulder and watched as he turned around onto his back and started to snore. I let my breath go in a relieved sigh and continued my silent trek out of the bedroom. Once in the hallway I relaxed slightly, I walked faster towards the stairs, heading down to the utility room, once of the few places that he ever ventured into. As I reached the bottom of the stairs, I caught sight of my reflection in the floor length mirror that was hung on the wall opposite the stairs and I winced. My red hair was pulled back into a loose ponytail, my features were pale in the early morning gloom, but bruises were clear even in the darkness. A fading black eye and matching trail of bruises running along my jawline, more recent marks adorned my upper arms and a necklace of red blotches circled my throat. Taking a second I looked at my pathetic reflection, tears stinging my eyes. Enough was enough, I had to go.

Hurrying through to the utility room, I knelt down in front of the cabinet closest to the washer and moved the obligatory soap powders, softeners and stain removers that I had artfully placed in front of a large khaki canvas bag I had hidden in there weeks ago. I was careful as I pulled it out, making sure that I didn’t knock anything over or make too loud a noise that would wake up Kevin. As the bag came clear of the cabinet, I pulled open the zipper and re-checked the contents as I had done every day this week, worried that he would find it and remove the essentials that I had placed in there to make my escape more difficult or impossible. I moved everything around, the cash that I had saved up since the beatings began, a few thousand dollars. My passport, birth certificate, drivers license. Spare clothes, a burner phone that I had purchased the last time I had been allowed out without him. A map, bus timetables. Everything was there as I pushed everything back into place, a small black and grey photo appeared, peeking out from the safety of my journal. My eyes flooded with tears, my hand instantly moving to cradle my flat stomach. With my free hand I reached in and snaked the photo out of my journal, pulling it free to expose it in full. My first and last sonogram. My hand drew circles over my stomach that had until 3 months ago housed our baby, my baby. That was until I made Kevin dinner and forgot to use the correct napkins.

It had been building all day, a look here, a disgusted grunt there. I had not folded the towel in the bathroom correctly, one of the tins on the pantry shelves was slightly out of alignment to the rest of them. I looked too long at myself in the mirror. It didn’t take much. A few punches to the face, till I dropped to my knees. I was too slow to protect my stomach, never thinking for a moment that he would do anything to endanger the baby, but a couple of well placed kicks to the stomach was all that was needed. He left me there, lying on the floor, losing blood. Losing our baby while he went to the local bar for a few beers and no doubt to flirt or worse with the barmaid there, who had no clue what kind of man he really was. When he came home and saw me, trying so hard to clean up the blood, he was so apologetic, promising as he always did that he was sorry and that it would never happen again. He knew this time he didn’t have a choice. He would have to take me to the emergency room, I had lost a lot of blood. So he took me in and they confirmed what I already knew, he murdered our child and if I didn’t get out one day he would murder me too.

So here I sat, glancing at what should have been my future but was now a part of my past. I slid the photo back into my journal and zipped the bag closed. Pulling open the door to the washer I dug out the clothes that I had put in there this morning. Underwear, socks, Black skinny jeans, a camisole and a beige chunky knit sweater. I dressed as quickly as I could, sliding my feet into my sneakers left at the side of the door. Picking up the bag, I traversed the way through the house to the back door. The yard had a gate at the bottom which opened up into the woods. The gate had a lock on it but I had sneaked the key from the cabinet this afternoon and had left a torch down next to the gate, hidden by some bushes. I took my large thick fleece from the hook and slipped it on, followed by a wooly hat to help cover my hair. Shouldering the bag I stood a moment, listening intently to the sounds of the house. Hearing nothing alarming I turned the key in the lock of the door and opened it slowly. Nothing but silence of the early morning greeted me. I stepped out into the chill and closed the door behind me. I took a few steps and looked back at the house, taking a moment to check each of the windows for him. Nothing, each window was black and empty.

I half ran down the yard to the gate, reached into the bushes to extract the torch and then reached into my jacket pocket to retrieve the key I had secured in there earlier. My hand slipped around its coldness and I clasped it tight and moved to unlock the gate. The lock clicked free and the gate opened with ease giving off no noise. One last look at the house and all was still dark, I stepped out of the yard and into the darkness of the woods and closed the gate behind me. I had traced the route over and over whenever Kevin had gone to the bar or out fishing and knew how to get down to the main road that led into town, to the safety of the bus depot. The safety of the bus that was leaving for Washington at 5.15am from there I would get a bus or train up into Canada and eventually move on over to Alaska. I had a cousin who lived in Anchorage, I should hopefully be able to stay with her for a few days, till I cleared my head and decided what I wanted to do, stay or move on.. I glanced down at the watch on my wrist 4:20 am. Damn I was behind schedule. I switched on the torch and followed its beam as I ran down the wooded trail as quick as I dared in the darkness, I had to be careful, I couldn't afford to fall and break my ankle.

Eventually the light of the main road came and I breathed easier. I was almost there. I looked again at my watch. 4:50am. Ok, that was better. It would take me 10 minutes to get to town then I had 15 minutes to get my tickets, run to the restroom, grab a coffee and get seated on the bus before it left.

The twinkle of lights at the bus station brought a smile to my lips. Finally my safe haven was in sight. Stepping up to the ticket booth I purchased my ticket with a smile and stowed it safely into my pocket before heading to use the restroom. As I washed up, I heard the boarding call for my bus and noting that departure was in 5 minutes. Stepping out of the restroom I eyed the coffee stand, there were no customers in line so it took mere moments for me to get my order, a black coffee, bottle of water and a blueberry muffin. I gathered up my refreshments and made the short walk to the bus. The driver was standing next to the door with a clipboard and was checking peoples tickets and marking them off of his list. I stood in line and patiently waited for my turn. When it came to my turn the driver greeted me and we made small talk as he checked my ticket number against what was on the clipboard. It seemed to take forever, and even though I knew I had a ticket, I still worried that he wouldn’t let me on the bus for some reason. With a nod he ticked off my ticket and asked me to climb aboard and take my seat as we were about to leave.

Walking down the narrow aisle of the bus, I took a seat a few from the front. Stowing my bag in the overhead compartment, I slid into the seat below me with my coffee and muffin and watched as the driver shut the luggage bay under the seating areas and locked it. He blew his whistle for the final call, waited a few moments and seeing that no one was rushing toward the bus, he took the stairs and sat down. The doors shut and the bus started up, the engine causing the bus to vibrate. I took a sip of my coffee and the bus pulled out of the depot and on to the road that I had just walked down. The bus, I knew would drive past the woods that I had just escaped and I knew that if I looked up through the woods, I would see the silhouette of the house where I had lived with Kevin for the last 2 years. The bus took the road at a steady pace as as it took the curve, the woods came into sight. Feeling brave, I watched as the woods came closer and closer, my eyes watching the point I would see the house. And there it was. No longer dark, the lights blazed out of the windows. He was awake. He knew.

I began to tremble, terrified that any moment he would burst out of the woods and force the bus to stop. But the woods began to thin and then became a row of houses and the bus began to pick up speed as we rushed toward the town limits.

As I saw the sign saying “You are now leaving Portland come again soon, I breathed a sigh of relief. I had finally done it. I had broken free!

#BreakingFree IAmAWarrior

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