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vanilladove · 3 months

Text

~ get free (bonus)

based off of an anonymous request to see what would happen if reader tried to escape because trust was lost🫣 this is also the 'bad ending' reposted bc 'read more' wasn't working the first time.

pic creds luvpngs | gif creds akashi-tetsuki

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ pairing: asylum patient!nikolai x asylum attendant!fem!reader; slight fydor x fem!reader🤫

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ genre: angst + fluff? w/ dark elements; one suggestive scene with nikolai🙈read at your own discretion!

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ content warnings: feelings of guilt, manipulation + violence, unhealthy relationships, slightly yandere nikolai, this is lowkey sad...😔

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ summary: you've become an accomplice to the doa. however, you've started to grow some doubts about your situation. are you really free or just in another man's cage? not to mention the demon lurking from a distance... ˚₊‧꒰ა read pt 1 & pt 2 & pt3 (good ending)໒꒱ ‧₊˚

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ word count: 4.7k

"So, what's your husband like?" Your coworker Juliette asked, sitting in a circle with your other colleague Anaïs, passing around a box of assorted chocolates.

It had been three months. You and Nikolai had successfully infiltrated Mersault, getting more information about the space-creating ability and honing in on potential ability users. Now you were alone, working for the government's IT department--your goal was to create a breach in their database for Fyodor to get into, so he could narrow down the Decay of Angel's targets and get their information.

Anaïs scowled and gave you the chocolates, muttering a word about how she was "low-sugar" before she primped her hair, preparing to brag, "Well, y'know, Louis takes me shopping and buys me new jewelry whenever I want. He just got me a new puppy, too, and he's the cutest little pomeranian!" You giggled a bit as Juliet pouted in envy, "Oh--and he's taking this weekend off, so we can go to the islands together!" You popped a caramel-filled square in your mouth as Juliet rolled her eyes playfully.

"You spoiled princess...Antoine spends all his money on the kids--plus he only gets one weekend off a month and always brings them to our romantic date nights..." Your coworker sighed dramatically, pretending like she wasn't equally as doting over her children, whose pictures and handmade gifts were all around her cubicle.

Ah, children, families, frequent romantic dates, marriage...those were all traditional things you gave up after running away with Nikolai.

You were lost in your thoughts as you popped another rich candy into your mouth--this one being filled with a creamy pistachio ganache that tasted a bit too artificial and made you cringe. Juliette called your name to snap you out of your daze.

"Well, what about you? What's your husband like?" She leaned forward and stared curiously at you, waiting for you to share your little gossip. You chewed slowly, trying to process the question as Anaïs nudged her friend's side lightly.

"Juliette, are you blind?! The girl doesn't have a ring on her finger--certainly she must have a man though--I mean look at her--she's a stunner." Your eyes widened at that as you twirled your wig hair and fixed your fake disguise glasses.

"Oh, well, Anaïs is right, I do have a...lover." Lover...you and Nikolai had never really put an official label on your relationship. You described Nikolai--dubbed as "Nikolas"--to the two other women, trying to stay as true as possible while not revealing his true identity.

Juliet winked at you, "Do you guys have sex? Is he rough, soft, kinky?" She giggled as Anaïs side-eyed her for her childish behavior.

You blushed, well, at least you could answer this question in earnest, "Yeah...he's good...really good." You covered your face briefly, feeling heat in your cheeks when you remembered your little Mersault moments. "But we haven't done anything in a while since he's away on a...work trip." You smiled sadly at that, despite missions being the new norm, you couldn't deny feeling lonely and missing Nikolai constantly.

"Ohhhhh?" Juliette and Anaïs exchanged coy looks, "You need that man to marry you before he leaves you...trust me, darling, I would know." Anaïs said, touching up her lipstick, "You wouldn't want to get knocked up and left alone, would you? Men are too unfaithful these days..."

Yeah, you knew all about that first hand.

You were about to interject until you supervisor knocked on the wall of the space you three were having lunch in. "Lunch break's over. Get back to work, ladies." You all got up slowly, and you held onto the box of chocolates, offering some pieces to Juliette before taking it back to your work desk and putting your headset on.

"You shouldn't eat so many chocolates, ptichka, you'll get a sugar crash." You straightened your back suddenly upon hearing the sultry, russian man's voice in your headset. Fyodor. He usually gave you instructions privately to hack into the system, but he normally only talked to you for mission purposes.

Rolling your eyes, you popped a sweet milk chocolate heart into your mouth, "Hush, I'm stressed. And how did you know? Are you watching me or something?" You looked up by the ceilings to glare into the nearby security cameras.

Fyodor only laughed on the other side. "Oh, milaya, I'm always watching you." Shivers ran down your spine as his voice faded out and you were back to staring at your log-in screen.

˚₊‧꒰ა ☆ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚

You waved goodbye to your coworkers as greeted Ivan--your personal chauffeur--and stepped into the backseat of the car, staring out the tinted window. The car was stopped at a red light when you noticed an animated billboard broadcasting a clip of the news. It was your parents and your in-laws begging for any information about you or your husband's disappearances and the award for either of your safe returns. While that didn't bother you at first--after all, your parents just saw you as a pawn they could marry away for a sound investment, and your in-laws didn't treat you much better either--you couldn't help but feel some remorse from their desperate pleas.

You knew what had happened to your husband--you and Nikolai had killed him. As much as you didn't want to admit it, his death was starting to haunt you. The eerie silence after you'd pulled the trigger and the horrible state he was in before replayed in your dreams, and it didn't help that your lover wasn't there to comfort you anymore. Especially now that Sigma was busy managing the Sky Casino, and you had to work your 9-5 office job, you really had no one to talk to openly. No one...except for Fyodor.

"Welcome back, milashka." Fyodor greeted you as you slipped off your heels upon entering the base. You smiled awkwardly at him, freeing your hair from the wig and slipping your glasses back into your purse. "How was work today?"

"Good...as always...you would know that, though since you're always watching me." You teased, still a bit shaken by what he'd said.

Despite how cold and reluctant he was towards you at first, you'd somehow gotten closer since it was basically just you two at the base. He'd held up his promise and gave you plenty of books to read, so you often talked about literature, which usually lead to deeper conversations. Additionally, although he never addressed you by your name like Sigma, he started giving you russian pet names--some of which were uncannily similar to the ones Nikolai would call you. You tried not to pay it much mind--it was probably some weird power dynamic thing--but you couldn't help but notice how he hid the nicknames and subtle flirting around Nikolai.

Fyodor motioned towards the small table by the fireplace, "I made some tea. Would you care to join me, ptichka? He smirked as you sighed and sat down next to him--you swore the chairs were closer than usual. You pulled the box of chocolates out of your purse and set them down next to a blue and white porcelain tea cup. You poured yourself some black tea before taking another chocolate, this one being filled with strawberry cream. You sulked after seeing a drawing of a happy family on the box, drawing Fyodor's attention. "Is anything on your mind, milaya? You seem bothered."

You eyed him curiously, surprised that he cared to listen to you. You figured you needed to get it off your chest, though, so you opened up, "Well...it's just that I've been alone lately with Nikolai gone, and I've been feeling like maybe this life isn't exactly for me..." You trailed off, a bit panicked when you saw a blank, stoic look on Fyodor's face. You put your hands up defensively, "N-not like I don't want to be a part of the Decay of Angels anymore, but just that I want more out of my life in the future."

Fyodor crossed his legs and rested his chin on his hand, gazing down at you, intrigued, "Go on."

You gulped, "I get so jealous when my coworkers talk about their families and settling down, going on fun vacations, or having daily board game nights...How they can speak so freely about their lives, while I have to live a lie and walk past my missing posters every day...I-I don't have anyone to come home to anymore, either..." You could feel tears start to cloud your vision as you looked down, never speaking this passionately before. You were sure you looked pathetic.

Your eyes widened as you felt Fyodor's frail fingers come up to wipe away your tears and brush across your cheek before landing on top of your hands. They were cold, not as warm as Nikolai's but at least somewhat comforting.

"Perhaps it isn't a different lifestyle you crave, but a sense of belonging and security." Fyodor started, bringing his face a bit closer to yours. "Your heart desires a deeper connection with those around you. After all, you abandoned everyone you knew before and suddenly went into an entirely different life. It's only normal that you would feel distressed after a while. You need comfort--and I'm sure that some part of you wants to give your parents some closure about your disappearance."

Fyodor was being...sympathetic? It was almost scary how well he could describe what you were feeling, along with how surprisingly empathetic he acted. You had quickly learned that he had little regard for others or for defective subordinates.

You looked up at him, "It's not just that, though. Even though it's selfish, I want Nikolai to marry me--or at least make things more serious and clear between us..." You didn't notice Fyodor slightly frowning at that as you continued, "He's just been away for so long, and it's not like I don't trust him, but he really has no obligation to stay loyal to me, and I've already been cheated on before...There's no way I can fall in love with another man being a double agent, so I need to know if he plans on us being long-term or not..." Rambling out the rest of your feelings, Fyodor stroked your hand slowly, his smug smile returning on his face.

"You should tell him that, then. If you speak from your heart and tell him the truth, I'm sure he'll listen to you. After all, he'd fulfill your desires if he really loved you." You pouted.

"But it's Nikolai...at the end of the day, he lives by his own convictions and philosophy."

Fyodor clicked his tongue, "If he loved you, he'd compromise." You weren't quite convinced, but you flinched when he brought your hand up and placed a soft kiss to the back of your hand. "Good luck, milashka." As soon as it happened, he was gone as he dismissed himself and left you alone at the table. You didn't know how to think or process the conversation as you lightly slapped away the faint blush across your cheeks.

˚₊‧꒰ა ☆ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚

Another long day of work had concluded as you wished your coworkers a good weekend and walked out the door. It had been two weeks since your conversation with Fyodor, but it was all that was on your mind. You really needed to talk to Nikolai soon.

Wait. Was that Ivan...holding a bouquet of flowers? Not just any flowers either--they were the same lavender roses you'd been gifted by your ex-patient in the asylum courtyard.

Ivan only gave you his usual twisted smile and laughter before handing you the bouquet as you shot him a questioning look. You muttered a quiet "thank you" as you got into the backseat and stared out the window again, smelling the fragrant roses and replaying Fyodor's words in your head.

It didn't hit you that the road you were traveling on was unfamiliar until the car suddenly came to a stop, and you realized you were in an abandoned alleyway. Uneasiness started to settle in as your driver exited his seat, shutting the car door behind him. "Iv--"

You were interrupted when the door to the backseat flung open and closed as Ivan crawled on top of you, pushing the flowers out of your hands as he pushed his body against yours and cradled into your neck, hysterically giggling. "I-Ivan--" You struggled to shove him off you, but he was too strong, "W-what are you---"

A familiar scent stopped you from speaking as your heartbeat increased. Wait, was that--?

Ivan pulled away from your neck before tugging off his bandages, his whole appearance suddenly fading away before being replaced by...

"K-Kolya! I-It's you!" Relief washed over your face as you looked up to see your lover staring back at you, clearly satisfied from whatever prank he'd just played on you. He kissed away the tears that had formed instinctively from your fear while laughing maniacally.

"Hehe~ Did you miss me, dove? I wanted to surprise you since I just came back. Your reactions were a nice little treat~" You pouted as you looked away, embarrassed that you'd lost yet another one of Nikolai's mini games. His features softened, "I'm afraid I may have gone a bit too far though. I really missed you, myla." His warm, gloved fingers traced over your bottom lip slowly.

"M-missed you too, Kolya. So much..." You sniffled as you pulled his head down to yours, tangling your fingers into his fluffy white hair and capturing his lips in a deep kiss. Your back pushed into the car cushions as Nikolai's hands roamed your body, needy to touch you again after so long--especially since he couldn't contact you. He fumbled with the buttons on your thick coat, hands working fast to get you out of all of your layers.

He groaned into the kiss as you tugged on his locks and wrapped your legs around his waist to press him further against you. By now, he had unbuttoned your light blue blouse to reveal your pretty skin. Nikolai pulled away from the kiss gently to take you in--the sight of you all flustered in just a thin lacy bra was turning him on, evident from his growing arousal that was pushing against your tights.

"Fuck, dove, you're so beautiful..." He dipped back to leave messy hickeys on your neck, whispering in your ear before slowly working his way down, "Your skin's so soft...were you touching yourself while I was away, pryntsesa?" You moaned at that, whining when his hand starting rubbing circles from your hips to your inner thigh, getting dangerously close. The trail of wet kisses traveled down your collarbone and your breasts to your stomach and eventually stopping where the waistband of your black skirt and tights laid. He was panting lightly at this point, devoid of air from worshipping your body. "It wasn't enough, though, was it? You need me to feel good, myla~" He heaved, his face pink and strands of hair falling over his eyes. His fingers hooked around your clothes and he resumed his trail of kisses, about to strip you.

"If he loved you, he'd compromise."

Fyodor's words hit you as you stopped Nikolai, lightly pushing yourself up again. "W-wait, Nikolai, I want to talk to you about something." He grunted, annoyed like a little kid, his bulge still pressing against you.

"Can it wait? I didn't bring you to this abandoned, sketchy alley for nothing, ptashka." You pulled away further, to his disappointment, and pulled your knees up against your body, pouting sadly.

"I know, but it's something that's been on my mind since you've been gone", Nikolai only sighed impatiently as you pleaded, "I promise it won't take too long..." You put your hand over Nikolai's, and he obliged reluctantly, sitting up a small distance away from you.

"Cockblocker...make it quick." He muttered, and you tried not to be immature and giggle. This was supposed to be a serious conversation.

You cleared your throat, "Well, I was just wondering about us...and our relationship..." You flinched when you saw Nikolai's eyes bore into you, "I-It's not what you think---I love you and want to stay with you, but, are we..." You trailed off, suddenly feeling embarrassed and unsure about what to say next. You looked down, mind a muddled mess, but you tried to remember Fyodor's advice.

"A-are we ever going to get married? Settle down and maybe start a family? Move somewhere nice and peaceful, where we can just enjoy each other's company?" Your mind went back to Anaïs and her husband, as you slowly started to look back up, "Go on a vacation together to the islands? Or your home coun--"

"No." Nikolai's dark gaze cut into you, stopping you from speaking any further. "Why would you want that, dove?"

You could feel your heart shattering. This wasn't how you thought he would respond. He was supposed to understand you, to listen to you, to compromise.

"I want a future with you, Kolya, that's why..." You started sadly, throat feeling constricted.

"But we're already together right now, myla. Isn't that enough for you?" Nikolai replied apathetically, his expression stoic and unreadable.

"It's--but my husband cheated on me, so I have to know if you're serious about us. I don't want to be in an unstable relationship anymore." Tears pricked your eyes, threatening to spill out as you could feel your heart breaking, "Anyways, you could just cheat on me, too. You're barely even around anymore, and I'm sure that you're always surrounded by beautiful women...All my coworkers are already married and in a happy relationship, so I feel so behind..."

"Oh, so that's why? Because society's telling you to live that way? Because you want to be accepted and imitate everyone else? That's the exact life I was trying to escape from, dove." Nikolai butted back, smiling cruelly.

"N-no! That's not--" You cried out, not being able to hold in the tears. Nikolai frowned and looked up from your face, reaching up towards your head.

"That hat? When did you get that?" He glared up at the white ushanka on your head. It resembled a certain someone's too closely.

You sniffled, "T-this? It's a gift from Fyodor. 'Cause it's getting cold out." Nikolai furrowed his brows in jealously upon hearing that name.

"From Dos...he's the one who planted those ideas in your head, didn't he?" His fists tightened at the thought of Fyodor wrapping you around his finger; it was his specialty, after all.

You wiped your tears sadly as you lowly shook your head no. At this point, Fyodor seemed to be the only one who understood you. He was the one who'd told you that Nikolai would compromise if he loved you. But he didn't. Did that mean...?

"Tch. Look, myla, stay away from that man. Dos may be my friend, but I don't trust him." Seeing your sad face and lack of response angered him more and he raised his voice a bit, "Stop talking to him, dove. I'm warning you--don't you dare even look in his direction."

Your sobbing resumed as you pulled your head back into your knees, hearing the backdoor shut as Nikolai left and started driving back to the base. You heard the sound of rain in the background as you clutched the white ushanka in your arms, the fluffy hat offering you some comfort.

The ride back was silent.

˚₊‧꒰ა ☆ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚

Fyodor awaited you both when you finally arrived back at the base, the same sly smile on his face. "Welcome back, you two." Nikolai only glared back, holding your hand tightly. He let go suddenly and walked past Fyodor into his stone room, implying for him to follow suit.

Once Nikolai's back was turned away, Fyodor gave you a soft, concerned glance. Your nose and eyes were swollen and red from all the crying. "I'm guessing it didn't go well, milashka?" You shook your head softly, and he whispered about leaving some cookies and tea in your room. He tried to approach you, but a strong voice cut him off.

"Dos, let's talk." Nikolai menacingly called out, crossing his arms and leaning against the doorway. You'd never seen him this stern or angry before. He never took anything seriously, certainly you weren't an exception, right?

Fyodor shot you one last empathetic look and went into his room. You shuddered as the sound of Nikolai slamming the door and immediately yelling loudly bounced off the walls. As much as you wanted to eavesdrop, you were worn out and tired.

You retreated to your and Nikolai's shared room slowly, too exhausted to even try the tea and cookies Fyodor had thoughtfully left for you. You barely stripped off your disguise before crashing onto the bed, just wanting the day to be over.

Things with Nikolai could never go back to normal again. You wished you'd just kept your mouth shut, but you also wished Nikolai had been more open to your desires. What were you to him, anyways? And you didn't understand why he was so mad at Fyodor. He'd kept you company while Nikolai was gone, and he'd been nothing but respectful and attentive.

You groaned and tried to shut your eyes to drown out the conflicting thoughts in your head. Everything was way too complicated now. You wished things could be peaceful again. You wished you could escape.

˚₊‧꒰ა ☆ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚

"You want to go back home, ptichka?" Fyodor asked. You nodded in response. The next day, Nikolai was gone on another mission, never coming to your shared bed the night before or saying goodbye to you before leaving.

The russian man sighed, "That's a bad idea. You'll get caught before you know it, and once the press gets a hold of you, it'll be hard to rescue you. Plus you still have your job that could arouse suspicion."

"I know..." You started. "I just...have some amends to make...and I'll only be gone for a day or two...and stay in disguise." Liar. You didn't know why you wanted to go back, and if you were homesick or just trying to self-sabotage yourself. Either way, you knew you couldn't stay here and look at Fyodor or Nikolai any longer. Things were too tense, and you didn't know who was genuinely there for you or just manipulating you.

You couldn't trust either of them. Your plan was to either go back and get caught for your crimes or retreat to the Sky Casino for as long as possible. You bet that Sigma didn't like or trust the two men either.

Not to mention, you'd already left Nikolai a parting text, writing,

"I'm sorry. I'll always love you, Kolya. Thank you."

Not that you even knew if he'd see it, but you still wanted to say something.

"I'll help you." Fyodor finally said, making your eyes widen in surprise. "But I want to tell you something first." He took your hands and held them, running his thumb over your fingers. His touch was cold. "I admire you for wanting to confront your feelings and follow your heart. The rest of us have forgotten such feelings of humanity." He continued, "To see such a lovely, well-read woman like you leave pains me. I'll truly miss you and our intellectual conversations, milaya. So much so that I'll be awaiting your safe return."

You blushed as he kissed your gentle hands, "T-thank you, Fyodor, I'm flattered." Lying again, but you figured you would have to use your 'feminine charm' a bit to fully convince him.

He smirked subtly, "Escaping from another man's cage of lofty ideals and freedom into the outside world...Would you care to do me one last favor, milashka?" You nodded with doe eyes as he leaned into your ear.

"Give me a goodbye kiss." Shocked and flustered, you pulled away and broke contact.

Fyodor only stepped forward and held your face, his soft smile seeming more sinister now, "What's wrong, dove, you just have to kiss me, and I'll help you escape. Not a bad deal, no?" He got dangerously close to you, his hot breath fanning over your glossy lips.

You froze for a second, "I-I can't--" Fyodor only traced your lips ominously, like he was taunting you and asking you why.

"I'm still in love with Niko--"

"Dove? Dos?" Your heartbeat stopped when you heard your lover's voice behind you. Why was he here, and how'd he get here so fast?

You turned around, hoping he would save you, until you saw him holding a gun--the same one he used on your husband.

"Kolya, w-wait, this isn't..." You stopped talking when you heard the gun cock. There was no way you could explain your way out of this. You and Fyodor were just about to kiss, and you were trying to escape indefinitely.

Nikolai narrowed his eyes and pointed the gun at Fyodor, "This was your doing, wasn't it?" Fyodor only remained calm, however, and twirled a strand of your hair while smirking.

"No, quite the opposite actually. Our little dove here was just about to escape and go back home to 'make amends'. It seems like she may still be grieving over her husband and their traditional life together..." Nikolai's grip on his gun tightened, still pointed at his friend. "Actually, she was just seducing me to help her escape. A goodbye kiss, that's what you wanted, right, ptichka?" Your ex-patient's eyes narrowed after hearing the similar pet name.

He turned to you, "Is he telling the truth, dove?" You were shaking, still trying to process the situation in front of you.

"N-no! I was trying to escape with Fyodor's help, but that's it! I swear, I still love you--please believe me, Kolya!" You pleaded, practically begging for your life. Nikolai looked at you regrettably before removing the card over his right eye and laughing bitterly.

"And here I was, rushing back to see you once I saw your text because I was worried about you and wanted to talk things out properly. I'm quite the fool aren't I, dove?" He started laughing maniacally, scaring you. He then stopped suddenly and pointed the gun at you, "But I guess this decision was from your own free will. I was wrong for thinking you were the same as me..."

Anxiety settling in, you couldn't react. What was Nikolai going on about? Had Fyodor said something to or manipulated him, too?

"We got rid of your husband, but now you want Dos, too? You're aren't really mine, are you, dove?" He walked closer to you and pressed the cold metal barrel to your hip. "I'll be nice and let you play one last game, though~" He had a crazy look in his eyes--one dark and emotionless, and the other streaming tears; you were sure every feeling was spiraling through his brain.

Nikolai giggled as he pushed you out of the door onto the floor. You were about to get up in fear when you heard a shot in the background. Did he shoot Fyodor?

Deranged laughter was heard behind you as Nikolai peeked his head out the door, "Better start running, dove. Otherwise the next shot might hit you~" You backed up in terror, standing up and stumbling over to Nikolai, wrapping your arms around him and crying hysterically.

"K-Kolya, you're s-scaring me. I-I love you, s-so let's go back t-to n-normal." Nikolai paused against your shaky body and lifted your face up to his. Tears were falling out both of his eyes now, contrasting the wicked grin contorting his lips. You gasped as he wiped your eyes and licked away your tears.

"You look so pretty when you cry, angel. I'll give you an extra ten seconds for that. Ten...nine...eight..." Realizing you had no way to convince Nikolai to spare your life, you ran, not daring to look back behind you. The man you loved was gone, driven mad by his obsession over you. Your skin crawled as you heard his voice reverberating through the hallways.

"I thought you loved me, dove, but it seems I wasn't what you wanted. I got too attached to you, though, and you know too much, so it seems I can't just let you go or give you to another man. You won't escape my cage."

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kazumiwrites-originalfics · 1 year

Text

Hurt

SUMMARY: What has the world come to, where the children are hurting because they aren’t understood, respected, helped? WORD COUNT: ~500

WARNINGS: Mentions/alludes to self-harm, suicide, alludes to Leelah Alcorn, probably transphobia and maybe homophobia

A/N: Adults need to get better, and as a 15.5 year old, I will support any younger people who relate to this (which, sadly, I know there are). You can always text me on @kazumify. I, and many other people of the queer community, are here for you.

I want to help them But I can’t They’re too far away I can’t do Anything

I see them hurting Want to hold them close They’re younger Older Children Adults But they all Suffer the same

The world wants to discriminate Male or female But some Don’t even fit into these categories

They fight hard Against their oppressors But they still get dragged down Because They’re obviously wrong They need to be categorized Into two Distinct Boxes

Boxes that they don’t even Fit into

A square trying to fit into A circular hole

She is hurting Kills herself In the middle of winter Her parents Didn’t listen to her

The world Forgot her message

Her message to make The world better It’s been years Is it better?

They say “it’s just a phase” “It’s just a new way of thinking” Ignoring the cultures Where this Is thought of As normal

They just want some way to Validate their Discrimination Pulling on religion Mostly Hurting themselves in The process

Telling a little kid that how they feel Is obviously wrong Because an adult always Knows best

Mother knows best, that’s a phrase “I birthed you, so I know everything” Children are forced To hide themselves away To act a certain way Because they fear Children fear Little children, the ones we Are supposed to protect To support They are scared Scared of what us What us older people Will think

Should we continue hurting them? Our words, so flippantly said Hurting their very soul Should we keep Hurting the next Generation?

They’re the ones that Are our future They’re only a couple years younger Than me, and maybe you But they know So much About the hurt The pain From such a young age

They don’t deserve this They don’t deserve this pain This hurt These thoughts That they are wrong When they are perfect The way they are

They shouldn’t be Laughed at For hurting themselves For the blood spilled from The blade As a reprieve from The scary thoughts

Young children Shouldn’t think Of killing themselves.

The suicide rate among This youth Should not Be this High.

It’s sad to see Scrolling through the news

Bans

“Protecting kids” when all they do is harm She can’t be called a she He’s not a real man They don’t want to choose

When there are adults —Adults over 20– Who think the same way Who feel the same way

This doesn’t only happen to Little children To teens who don’t know Any better

It happens to all of them They all know better Than you do

They know firsthand The pain of Being discriminated against Because of their identity

They can’t change it Although you may want them to They can’t change it To follow your standards

They won’t change it Just to follow the norm They will not change it So they can fake their own Happiness.

#kazumiwrites #tw self harm #self harm #tw suicide #suicide #poem #original poem #tw #tw transphobia #transphobia #tw homophobia #homophobia #the “norm” is not normal #lgbt #queer

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obsessed-fanatic · 3 years

Text

Studies are showing indications of a societal collapse looming.

Im seeing things get worse and worse.

Are we almost there? Cause im getting terrified. I don't want to die unnaturally of a riot, virus, disease, or something else knowing

I will never meet and have a wholesome reassuring time with the favorite people I've talked to and befriended on the internet let alone anyone else i've met in real life.

They made us who we are.

We're all a fan of something.

But i wouldn't want to abuse such a position.

We wouldn't want to attack our own.

It's just too terrible to think of.

I listen to Gorillaz, guns and roses, nirvana, TeddyLoid, DayManOurSavior, Post Malone, Twenty One Pilots, Halsey(Congrats on IICHLIWP), Juice WRLD, Hp lovecraft, Evil dead franchise, XXXtentacion, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Nine Inch Nails, Johnny Cash, Elvis Presley, Sonic The Hedgehog( SATAM Sonic and scourge)SlipKnot(Duality is fucking cool btw)Watch a shit ton of youtube that markiplier, JackSepticeye andPewDiePie are in my head all the time, Dj Fortify, Dj EAR(or huepoww)

Biogodz1(Al the wolf), Pink stylist, Makemebad35, Scott Cawthon, DAGames, CG5, CrankGameplays, Yamimash, BryceGames, Rick And Morty, Anything Seth Macfarland and Matt Groening, AnimatedJames(still have the 2015 con vid on my flashdrive. You're still cared about), Bryan Adams(Thank you MindlessGonzo), Elton John(fantastic job with The Pink phantom with Gorillaz and 6lack and collab song with Dua Lipa), Dua lipa( I. love. Hallucinate.), Rob Gavagan, Wes Craven, John Carpenter, Tobe Hooper, Sean S. cunningham, Brian De Palma, HuniCast(Cause why the fuck not? Got up at 6pm in 2019 everyday for it i loved it! Like saturday morning again) Rio Franchise From Blue Sky, Surf's Up From Sony pictures animation (the ultimate fan image archetype movie), Robots from blue sky(another great fan archetype film)Mel Brooks( Put on the ritz and the Schwartz) SpindleHorse or Vivziepop(very big chunk of my teenhood. Got me dancing till i almost died), Hell EVEN The Rocky and Bullwinkle movie from 2000 cause it had an Absolutely amazing and frankly inspiring song from SuperTramp. Oh and Rocky with Sylvester cause why not? Me and my mom LOVE the Rocky franchise. Even Creed and creed 2 are amazing films. Dbz, Black butler, Steins Gate, Devilman or Lady(loved that one. So we can!)

Gunnm(Alita Battle Angel)

Sonic movie from 1999 (Shut up tails)

Doctor Mike ( Peewoop)

James Lee ( NOX)

Dazed and Confused( ultimate teen a put smoking weed)

Everybody wants Some!!! (Spiritual successor to dazed, same director as well)

The Big Bang Theory ( Me and my brother worship that show.)

Poltergeist 1982 ( music scares me too knackerman. No really.)

Everything Blumhouse studios

The Exorcist Franchise

One part i loved in the show My Name is Earl is when earl gave that one manager dude on a ladder his wallet back. He and his brother randy got a job as a thank you. I loved that moment ever since cause it was a nice, let alone life-saving gesture.

I always anticipated the next update of lil miss rarity back in 2013-present day.

Yeah.

I also like Apples.

I have a FUCKING FLASHDRIVE containing SO many offline mp4s of old youtube vids i can watch if internet cuts out just in case, but NEVER TO REPOST. I cannot say that enough. (<Yes the reposting part)

I probably even have some files that are probably golden nuggets of the internet cause some of these files are not even on youtube or their website origin anymore.

Now i downloaded these files cause they were my childhood and teenhood. What made me and maybe even some of you.

Mostly to playback for entertainment on a computer or PS3 for a number of long periods of my life.

One internet gem i listen to sometimes is Addictia's(or Princess Addictia) remix of Love is in Bloom from Daniel ingrams song from MLP FIM.

I haven't seen Addictia for a long time. Hope he's okay. Though i think one video reupload of that song is on youtube but i'm not the one who reposted it. Different Channel.

I even have ONE video of Unus Annus left but OBVIOUSLY im not gonna repost that one. Or anything for that matter.

I've had this flashdrive since 2013.

Like a fandom's treasure chest. Or a small gold bar made of plastic nostalgia.

I have even have original movie trailers and fanarts.

And again no reposting has never been done. Even after all this time. Its very much wrong.

All for free offline view. No reposting.

Lets just say i even have a video that On Youtube the sound is off cause of copyrighted content. It has musical samples in it.

Even a folder that has a fandom in it that is made fun of but not scrutinized. Lets just say they would gobble it up or remind someone of a taco bell drive thru experience with their friends.(they're beloved in a way)

So yeah. All this stuff thats bad and hectic happening( honestly im crushed when i learned about recently with norm macdonald and chadwick boseman) im sort've like that one dude in the picture that is sadly walking away from terrible things on the news while walking towards pop culture stuff like disney my little pony marvel DC Dark Horse Comics(holy shit The Mask) IDW publishing Image comics Even Stephen King. Honestly how would i like all this out of selfish intent? Thats just confusing. And lets not forget the fan creations of all this content. In 2015 i listened to so much Toby Fox. Two words.

Such Determination. ❤💚💜💙💛💗

Let alone Bill and Ted. Excellent... And Breathtaking. ( Saw The Matrix 4 trailer. Deathly Excited)

Here it is.

And of course ive learned from the Mare do well episode from MLP Gen 4. Also Griffin the brush off. Wouldnt want to hang out with someone disrespectful like that. Though she improved later in season 4 or 5 i think.

First ones i watched on TheHub were look before you sleep and bridle gossip. Very important episodes.

I also first saw Awoken by H8_seed on here, Tumblr. 2012.

Amazing song.

You all are great.

I just hope we don't tear ourselves apart.

#family #friends #Us #Together #strong #hope #fans

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shrutisharmaproductions · 3 years

Text

Social Media Makes Us Unsocial- Drifting Away From Friends

In the 3rd post of the series “Social Media Makes Us Unsocial”, today we will talk about the most ironic part of social media.

As the name suggests, social media is all about connecting with friends in a seamless way. In the pandemic where lockdown has been enforced over long periods and multiple times in many sections of not only our country but the world, social media has been an effective tool in keeping people within reach in an online mode.

There is no doubt that social media has had a positive impact on society over the years. It has provided a platform for individuals to showcase their talent in the fields of entertainment, arts, and even science, it has given the opportunity for businesses to build an online front and get a share of the rising online customers. Moreover, it has also provided a safe way to connect to people in the pandemic without breaking the rules of social distancing.

But as many would agree, social media in addition to its positive sides has had an overwhelmingly negative impact on social media as well.

In this ongoing series of how Social Media impacts people socially, we have already discussed such impact on global news and our connection with our family. In this blog post by Shruti Sharma Productions, we will talk about how social media affects our friendships both online and offline.

Read part 2 of Social Media makes Unsocial

Offline Friendships

Even with the boom of social media, people still meet up with their friends regularly and enjoy each other’s company in real life. Some might argue that all of it now is just to show off on social media through filtered posts and stories, but that is a different topic altogether.

Due to the rise of social media, real-life friendships have changed their dynamic completely. Nowadays to be someone’s close friend, you don’t need to know someone’s deepest secrets or support them in their hard times, you just have to be on their close friends’ list on Instagram!

If you don’t have a picture tagged with your friends out in a restaurant or a cafe or bar with the caption “Lifelines”, then according to social media standards, you’re not really friends with your friends. And if that makes the least amount of sense, posting regular stories where you tag your friends, and them reposting the same on their story is the norm of buddies these days.

Friends in today’s generation are the people featured on your social media handles, not people who would be there for you till the end. Many friendships now are thinner than a sheet of paper. Gone are the days where friendship meant hanging out together because it was fun, now people hang out together for the gram. Unironically.

Online Friendships

Online friendships have been one of the plus points of social media. You can find a person with similar interests on the internet and connect with them in the utmost ways. It is a perfect example of technology not eliminating but replacing existing roles, in this case, it being pen pals.

Online friendships are the one social feature of social media that have actually had a significantly positive impact on the whole of society.

One can argue that online friendships can quickly take the form of predatory relationships, but that can be said for any form of communication. On the whole online friendships (again ironically) have strengthened true positive social behavior among social media users.

A helpful Tip

Sadly, in the general context, social media has made us more unsocial, pushing away people who don’t conform to regular social behavior online as outcasts and replaced the mainstream social setting with an online forum for showing off one’s ‘perfect life.’

It is sad to see the negative effects of social media being bought up on all platforms, even social media too, but it gets passed up and ignored brutally. So what is the solution to curb the negative impacts of social media?

Quitting it altogether would harm you more than the drawn-out negative effects of social media, so one simple tip would be to watch what you do online, how you interact with your friends, and how much do you obsess over your social image.

It is easy to confuse social media with your real-life social circle, but it isn’t that at all. Social media is not a digitalized form of your friendships, it is just an app where you can post photos and stories of yourself.

Your real friendships lie in the actual meetups, the adventures you shared that were not for the sake of the gram, the experiences you have had together, and how you have grown together. Those are your friendships, not a bunch of pixels displaying the output of the Python programming language.

About Shruti Sharma Productions

Shruti Sharma Production House produces work in the fields of ordinary issues that go unnoticed, or even when noticed, get passed on. Our production house’s award-winning short documentary called Payal I See Now is one such work that has brought light to a growing medical problem in the lower-income households of India.

Watch Payal I See Now on our IGTV stream here.

Read up on other posts by Shruti Sharma Productions:

Social Media Makes Us Unsocial Part 1

Payal I See Now Wins Best Short Documentary Award!

The Real Truth Behind Farmers

Publish Your Content!

0 notes

immedtech · 5 years

Text

Why does the Galaxy Note still exist?

Watching the Galaxy Note 10 keynote, it became clear that the whole Note series has run out of runway. When it first launched, it was a wacky experiment to see if there was a market for an over-sized phone. But times have changed, and what was once transgressive is now the norm, only existing to wring cash out of the faithful.

The Galaxy Note is, and was, a great phone, and its diehard users have stuck with it for very good reasons. The bigger screen size, extra utility and the built-in stylus means it has the sort of hardcore usability its devotees love. It catered to a specific, albeit surprisingly-broad niche, who were happy sacrificing portability for power and utility.

Back then, $300 on contract with AT&T got you a 5.3-inch superphone that drew coos whenever it was pulled out of a pocket. It may not have been the first Phablet -- not quite a phone, nor a tablet -- but it was the device that made the category famous. It looked enormous compared to the Galaxy S, first launched in 2010 with a comparatively piddly 4-inch display.

As smartphones got more useful, companies were forced to cram in bigger batteries to sate our addiction to them. Bigger batteries meant bigger cases, which started an arms race of building phones with ever-larger display sizes to justify its size. Now, pretty much any flagship is the size of a table tennis bat, often almost as big as all but the most recent Note models.

If size isn't the reason to buy one, then perhaps the Note 10 and 10+ have the performance chops to best the S10 and S10+? Sadly not, because the S10, at least on paper, has better specs in a number of areas compared to its pricier brethren.

Comparing the S10 and the Note 10, you'll see that both pack a Snapdragon 855 SoC with an Adreno 640 GPU. Plus, the S10 comes with a microSD-card slot and a 3.5mm headphone jack, something Samsung historically liked to ding its rivals for not including. And, despite having a bigger screen, the resolution falls from 1440p down to 1080p.

The Note 10+ blurs the lines a little when compared to the S10+. The two are similar, but the Note 10+ packs 4GB more RAM (ignoring the pricey 1TB ceramic S10+) and a DepthVision sensor. Is that and 0.4-inches of screen real estate enough to convince you to spend another hundred bucks rather than getting an S10+?

My colleague Cherlynn Low made the point that the Note 10 is already too expensive, but it's hard for me to justify the higher price of the Note 10+ either.

What's left is the Stylus, and that's likely going to only be cherished by a proportion of Note users. While not definitive, Digital Trends' admittedly unscientific poll said that more than 60 percent of Note users don't use the stylus at all. It's a niche tool on an already niche device.

Since the Galaxy Note can't differentiate itself on size or performance despite the higher price, then what is it good for? Perhaps it's time for the Note itself to die off and be reborn, possibly to coincide with the hopefully forthcoming Galaxy Fold. If Samsung can ever get it robust and reliable enough, then the Fold offers a 7.3-inch display in a body measuring 4.2-by-6.3-inches. That would be enough of a step beyond current smartphone sizes to justify its price and excuse its bulk. A phone for users who will be happy to sacrifice portability for power and utility.

The Note had the stylus, but it also had size, prestige and performance, three areas where the rest of the world has caught up. With the Galaxy S series now matching the Notes feature-for-feature, Samsung needs to find a more compelling reason than a pen for them to continue existing. If the company is smart, it'll retire the Note next fall, and let the Fold take its place as the runaway device at the very top of its mobile lineup. Otherwise, we'll just be wondering why it's still here.

Catch up on all of the news from Samsung's Galaxy Note 10 event here!

- Repost from: engadget Post

#ITlive #engadget #Why does the Galaxy Note still exist?

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millenniumplus12 · 5 years

Text

Can We Overcome a “Basic” Dilemma?

The Basic Solution to a Basic Dilemma

Exploring “Basic,” and why we are all so much more than that.

Preps. Jocks. Musicians. Nerds. Remember those high school stereo types that became the norm with our own self identification? Those labels always frustrate me a bit. If you were an athlete who played music, does that mean you didn’t belong? That you didn’t fit in? Since when do people strive to force themselves to fit into one category when they can be SO many things? I truly believe that we all can be so much more than one label. My personal goal is to encourage people to live such a full and diverse life that they wouldn’t be able to be confined to one category. God made us all unique! (A bit of a cliche, but true. There’s the basic in me).

Basic. It means different things to different people, but the underlying meaning holds steady.

To me, basic means a few things: In touch with trends? Definitely. Predictable? Most likely. Taylor Swift fan? I’m sure. However, one thing that gets lost in the negative connotation of being basic is passion. While it may be a band wagon passion, I see many common “basic” traits as a person who is TRYING to be SOMEBODY. While it may not be who they truly are, and their Starbucks Instagram photos are probably annoying, at least they aren’t jumping on a bandwagon of spreading hate or judgement. In my opinion, being “basic” is like that pink iPhone case in the store. It’s similar to that green juice at Trader Joe’s. It’s that sale poster at a Target. There’s nothing WRONG with being basic. But why just settle for being a basic version of yourself, when God has given us the ability to be SO much more? Like sports if you like sports. Love Beyoncé if you love her. Like Classic Rock if that’s your thing.

I may look fairly blonde and predictable, but I’m not as basic as you may think. My belief is that the term “basic” is a double edged sword. On one end, living the so called “basic” life allows you to care about semi trivial things because you live comfortably. Yay! On the other end, I always want to push back a bit. I don’t want to be like everyone else. Be uniquely you. That being said, basically it’s OK to be basic! My goal of this post is to recognize the basic in you, and own it! But just like that documentary “Supersize Me” where Morgan over indulged on McDonalds, too much basic could be bad for one’s health.

The first step is if you are, admit it! The most basic people are the ones who don’t even realize they are basic. Heck, I love the movie Mean Girls! I say “literally” and “seriously” all of the time. However, I don’t personally enjoy Taylor Swift or Justin Bieber. Or Drake. I have traveled to many countries aside from spring break in Jamaica to see how the other half lives. I value education, I love reading the newspaper, and I have goals and interests aside from hitting a sale at Nordstrom. I show up to football games in a jersey, but I care more about following the actual game than Snapchatting it. So instead of striving to be “basic,” why not strive to be “balanced!” If you went to Starbucks this morning, maybe don’t go to Target tomorrow. Try a new food other than sushi. Talk to somebody that looks like they could use a friend. Life is meant to be enjoyed… but make your mark in this life. It goes by fast!

Reality check: You might be basic if:

1.) You go to Starbucks more than three times a week 2.) You know all of the lines in Mean Girls" 3.) You think Parks and Recreation is edgy and funny 4.) You watch more than one reality TV show 5.) You have a Pinterest account where you pin mainly material things 6.) You use predictable hashtags such as #goals #squad #bae on every social media account 7.) Your favorite “band” is Drake 8.) You follow Ashton Kutcher on Instagram 9.) You watch an entire marathon of Sex and the City 10.) You often have loud conversations on your cell or with your friends in an inappropriate setting (I.E. at a pharmacy, at the gym, in a library) 11.) You have a Live, Laugh, Love poster from Target. 12.) You “love wine” and have “extensive knowledge” about the varieties (There’s the pink one! And the white one! And the red one!) 13.) You LOVE Coldplay, Adele, Taylor Swift and *~NiRvAnA~* 14.) You are a reposter, re Tweeter, re pinner to the core and never come up with original content or posts. 15.) You wear white Addidas or white Converse and you stress over keeping them clean. Or you just buy another pair, since the mall is on the way to Trader Joe’s anyways. 16.) You sometimes feel empty and are afraid to express your own opinion 17.) You feel deep down that you are limiting yourself in some way

I’ve been thinking about the term “basic” a lot lately. Truthfully, it’s because I see quite a bit of basic in myself. But I want to change that. That’s not all that I want the world to see of me. Some people grasp on to an identity… ANYTHING to feel like they belong in some way. Don’t tell me that you didn’t define yourself by some term when you were in high school. Sadly, it’s a way to sort of feel like you fit in. Back then, as a swimmer, I saw myself as an athlete. I hung out with my team mates, I wore athletic clothes a lot, and I usually wore my hair up in what they call a “swimmer bun…” AKA throwing your hair up after being in the water for three hours. I realize now that while I don’t regret swimming, I might have limited myself in some way. I could have unintentionally excluded somebody who wasn’t an athlete, just because I convinced myself we probably wouldn’t mesh. I figured I wouldn’t get invited to things on weekends because I had practice, but looking back years later, I wasn’t asked to those things because I made no effort.

And after being a competitive swimmer, a sorority girl, a Young Life fan, a lover of basic things, complicated things, and things I don’t even have all of the answers to yet, I realize that we shouldn’t limit ourselves to one thing that we think should define us. Next time when somebody asks me… “Who are you?” I’ll say: “I’m on the road to becoming a lot of things.”

Love Always,

Alaina

0 notes

immedtech · 7 years

Text

Google opens up its 'instant' apps to all developers

This time last year, Google unveiled "instant apps" -- think of them chunks of an application that can be run without downloading anything from the Play Store. For months after the announcement, Google only let certain partners build those bite-sized apps, but no longer. With the public launch of an SDK here at Google I/O, any developer can whip up an instant app of their own, and that's good news for everyone involved.

Google Play product manager Ellie Powers said there are 50 instant apps in the wild already, and that the companies behind them have seen notable lifts in sales and engagement. That's the business argument sorted, but instant apps are great news for average users, too.

Flagship smartphones come with more and more storage every year, but untold numbers of devices are still stuck with small memory allotments. For the people with more limited devices, the ability to access an app's most crucial functions without eating up more space than needed could be a game-changer. And beyond that, downloading and installing apps takes time. With instant apps, however, all users would have to do is click a link; the applet would quickly load and let them do what they came for.

In a way, instant apps blur the line between web apps and native ones; you'd ideally get the speed of the former with the functionality of the latter. Sadly, creating instant apps isn't nearly as fast as using them, so it'll still be a while before they become the norm.

For all the latest news and updates from Google I/O 2017, follow along here

- Repost from: engadget Post

#ITlive #engadget #Google opens up its 'instant' apps to all developers

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millenniumplus12 · 7 years

Text

Basically... Be You.

The Basic Solution to a Basic Dilemma

Exploring “Basic,” and why we are all so much more than that.

By: Alaina K

Preps. Jocks. Musicians. Nerds.

Remember those high school stereotypes that became the norm with our own self identification? Those labels always frustrate me a bit. If you were an athlete who played music, does that mean you didn’t belong? That you didn’t fit in? Since when do people strive to force themselves to fit into one category when they can be SO many things? I truly believe that we all can be so much more than one label.

My personal goal is to encourage people to live such a full and diverse life that they wouldn’t be able to be confined to one category. God made us all unique! (A bit of a cliche, but true. There’s the basic in me).

Basic. It means different things to different people, but the underlying meaning holds steady.

To me, basic means a few things.

In touch with trends? Definitely. Predictable? Most likely. Taylor Swift fan? I’m sure. However, one thing that gets lost in the negative connotation of being basic is passion.

While it may be a bandwagon passion, I see many common “basic” traits as a person who is TRYING to be SOMEBODY. While it may not be who they truly are, and their Starbucks Instagram photos are probably annoying, at least they aren’t jumping on a bandwagon of spreading hate or judgement. In my opinion, being “basic” is like that pink iPhone case in the store. It’s similar to that green juice at Trader Joe’s. It’s that sale poster at a Target.

There’s nothing WRONG with being basic. But why just settle for being a basic version of yourself, when God has given us the ability to be SO much more? Like sports if you like sports. Love Beyoncé if you love her. Like Classic Rock if that’s your thing.

I may look fairly blonde and one might assume I have a One Direction background on my computer, but I’m not as basic as you may think.

My belief is that the term “basic” is a double edged sword. On one end, living the so called “basic” life allows you to care about semi trivial things because you live comfortably. Yay! On the other end, I always want to push back a bit.

I don’t want to be like everyone else. Be uniquely you. That being said, basically it’s OK to be basic! My goal of this post is to recognize the basic in you, and own it! But just like that documentary “Supersize Me” where Morgan over indulged on McDonalds, too much basic could be bad for one’s health.

However, I don’t personally enjoy Taylor Swift or Justin Bieber. Or Drake. I have traveled to many countries aside from spring break in Jamaica to see how the other half lives. I value education, I love reading the newspaper, and I have goals and interests aside from hitting a sale at Nordstrom. I show up to football games in a jersey, but I care more about following the actual game than Snapchatting it. So instead of striving to be “basic", why not strive to be “balanced?"

If you went to Starbucks this morning, maybe don’t go to Target tomorrow. Try a new food other than sushi. Talk to somebody that looks like they could use a friend.

Life is meant to be enjoyed… but make your mark in this life. It goes by fast!

Reality check: You might be basic if:

1.) You go to Starbucks more than three times a week

2.) You know all of the lines to Mean Girls"

3.) You think Parks and Recreation is edgy and funny

4.) You watch more than one reality TV show

5.) You have a Pinterest account where you pin mainly material things

6.) You use predictable hashtags such as #goals #squad #bae on every social media account

7.) Your favorite “band” is Drake

8.) You follow Ashton Kutcher on Instagram

9.) You like to watch an entire marathon of Sex and the City

10.) You often have loud conversations on your cell or with your friends in an inappropriate setting (I.E. at a pharmacy, at the gym, in a library)

11.) You have a Live, Laugh, Love poster from Target.

12.) You are a reposter, retweeter, repinner to the core, and never come up with original content or posts.

13.) You wear white Adidas or white Converse, and you stress over keeping them clean. Or you just buy another pair, since the mall is on the way to Trader Joe’s anyways.

14.) You sometimes feel empty and are afraid to express your own opinion

15.) You feel deep down that you are limiting yourself in some way

I’ve been thinking about the term “basic” a lot lately. Truthfully, it’s because I see quite a bit of basic in myself.

But I want to change that. That’s not all that I want the world to see of me. Some people grasp on to an identity… ANYTHING to feel like they belong in some way. Don’t tell me that you didn’t define yourself by some term when you were in high school. Sadly, it’s a way to sort of feel like you fit in.

Back then, as a swimmer, I saw myself as an athlete. I hung out with my teammates, I wore athletic clothes a lot, and I usually wore my hair up in what they call a “swimmer bun…” AKA throwing your hair up after being in the water for three hours.

I realize now that while I don’t regret swimming, I might have limited myself in some way. I could have unintentionally excluded somebody who wasn’t an athlete, just because I convinced myself we probably wouldn’t mesh. I figured I wouldn’t get invited to things on weekends because I had practice, but looking back years later, I wasn’t asked to those things because I made no effort.

Love Always,

Alaina

0 notes