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commsroom · 1 year

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doug eiffel is, in his own words, a man of many fears, but i think two of the most interesting ones are these twin fears he has about his self perception: he's afraid that no one will ever take him seriously. and he's even more afraid that they will.

i think a lot about his story in all things considered - what it betrays about eiffel's psyche that both minkowski and jacobi present versions of the narrative where they're in the right, but he has this fear. that he's screwing it up, that everything is his fault and everyone knows it, even when he's barely involved and just trying to help. that within his own narrative he is still in some way the one at fault, but also a victim of circumstance who everyone will jump to unfairly blame.

it's his attachment to this perception of himself - as the perpetual screwup, as tragically unlucky, as everyone's punching bag, as ultimately unimportant - that holds him back for so long. because the thought that he will only ever be those things, only ever his mistakes? that terrifies him. but it's safer than the alternative.

with his efforts to cast himself in that tragicomic role, taking eiffel seriously is such a central point to his character development (and specifically in what it indicates re: where he stands with the others) - everything about shut up and listen and constructive criticism, of course, but also. when hera connects with him in bach to the future by opening up about their shared insecurities, she shows him that she takes him seriously and tells him that he should take himself more seriously too. and minkowski can't fully understand eiffel or connect with him as a person until she comes to terms with his conviction and all the complexities that forces her to acknowledge in him.

it's so much scarier for doug "why the hell do you even care what i think? i'm so far beneath both of you that i shouldn't even register on your radars" eiffel to consider that maybe people can take him seriously, that maybe they already do. because if they want him around, if they value his effort, if they care about him and think about him and take the things he says to heart, then that means those things matter. and it means that he matters, which is terrifying both in what it challenges about his own self hatred and the weight it gives to his otherwise careless words and actions.

#wolf 359 #w359 #doug eiffel #remember that post about Jester's Privilege that was like #'the ability to mock freely without punishment for nothing he says seems to matter'#uh. yeah.#i know i talk about this kind of thing a lot but. it gets to me #the egotism of self hatred #that eiffel is so willing to punish himself but it only further hurts him and the people around him #and what that says in the specific context of eiffel as a convict #how he projects his desire for betterment onto people who feel no such desire to improve. instead of accepting responsibility for himself #and how MULTIPLE turning points in the show for eiffel are about realizing it's just him. for better or worse he has to be the one to do it #what sarah shachat said about how comedy is scary but drama makes sense

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transingthoseformers · 1 year

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Partial SG DJD and erasing the term "traitors" in their job and writing "people who violate the Atrox Scelus pact" aaand explicitly only go after those who have committed the agreed upon NoNos of the war

#yes I'm exactly remembering the post about the autobots and Decepticons agreeing that there are certain things in the war that SUCK.#partial shattered glass #decepticon justice division #but make it actual justice #i like to call this phenomenon author's privilege exactly based on jester's privilege #i have several pens I'm not quite trusted with and I'm not afraid to use them #yes i ran to the english to latin google translate and literally typed atrocious crime #btw i mightve... gave up on the latin Duolingo thing bc i can't specify that it's ancient latin that fascinates me

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ysabelmystic · 11 months

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“I just came from r/196” ask game

Saw another post. I think I should invite y'all to one of our longstanding traditions. Answer the questions then tag 10 (or more) people. I'll go first.

Name? Frankie

Pronouns and gender? he/they/it, transmasc

Sexuality? Lesbian

Country? USA

Top 5 fandoms? Bungou Stray Dogs, Cosmere, All for the Game, Fundiesnark (not a series but I'm too deep in it to not consider it a fandom), .....the tornado fandom? (they're my special interest)

What is your Most forbidden snack? The preserved bones at the Atlanta Bodies Exhibition. They looked so crunchy...

Would you pet a bug? If it's big enough, it is pettable.

Share a weird fact/story about yourself with the class. I like to drive around rural areas and photograph old, sometimes abandoned locations in the dead of night. I have been literally chased out of towns by foot and by car on two separate occasions. The second time this happened, "See You Again" by Miley Cyrus came up on shuffle and that's the soundtrack my friend and I tore out of town to. Also every "guy" I've dated except for my most recent ex (who has big egg energy) is a lesbian now.

What does the color blue taste like? Creme brulee

What is the most beautiful thing you've ever seen? The appalachian mountains of Tennessee in the middle of summer. There's kudzu everywhere. On the backroads, there were several old, dilapidated Baptist churches barely hanging to the side of the mountain. I wonder how many of them were still in use.

What is the stupidest thing you've ever done? Short version: my friend's house almost got broken into by this dude who'd been stalking us for months while we were home alone. Instead of calling the cops, we decided to confront him with a bow and arrow (me), a hatchet, and a baseball bat (him). The plan was that if it went badly, we would simply throw his corpse into one of the many lakes in the neighborhood and let the alligators eat his remains (this was Florida). Why? Because we were afraid of having our home-alone privileges revoked. Luckily for us all, the guy fucked off and we never saw him again.

Stupidest thing you've seen/heard someone else do/say? My ex thought that Jackalopes were real. Also, a nurse I was doing rotations with apparently thought that "Witness Protection" was for Jehovah's Witnesses.

Hyperfixation song? Young Enough + Bleach by Charly Bliss

Is there any meaning behind your profile picture and/or username? Profile pic; I'm transmasc and I'm currently obsessed with TriStamp. Username; It was my fake internet name when I was like 13. I won't change it because I want my mutuals to recognize me, and because I do have a viral post associated with this name.

Dream career as a child? Doctor (funnily enough I'm now in nursing school)

Dream career as an adult? Professional Jester. Not a comedian. I just want to be some weird little guy who dresses silly and you can hire me to roast your boss at work parties.

Thoughts on cilantro? Delicious

Have you ever been banned from a location and if so, why? I honestly can't remember? Probably... but in recent memory I've mainly banned people from places.

What is your cursed food combination? Pineapple on a hotdog with grilled onions. It Slaps.

Trans rights? TRANS RIGHTS

Tagging: @rocket-mankoi @mostlymarco @atleast8courics @jazzlike39 @gemsweater72 @limbobilbo @ameliaaltare @redcrane112 @theoneofwhomisblue @twinkenjoyer @theultimatecarp and anyone else who wants to jump on

#r196 #r/196 #196 #196 campfire #ask games

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fanby-fckry · 2 months

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🕸️ angie-fluffy-bootz Follow

4 hr. ago

🌈 hells-disney-princess Follow

18 min. ago

🥺

🕸️ angie-fluffy-bootz Follow

3 min. ago

alright, alright, princess puppydog eyes. i’ll keep healing.

#fr tho thanks charlie #i think i needed to hear that #irl source

( 104 notes )

🪡 niffty-lady Follow

24 min. ago

smut writing tips: sexualise guilt

#writeblr writing tips #irl source

( 3,510 notes )

🕸️ angie-fluffy-bootz Follow

1 hr. ago

You can't spell advertisements without putting semen between tits

🎀 charlies-angel Follow

1 hr. ago

🕸️ angie-fluffy-bootz Follow

1 hr. ago

I’m right tho

#cut me some slack vaggs #i’m trying to distract myself from fomo intimacy issues and crushing shame #irl source

( 6,966 notes )

📻 real-radio-demon Follow

2 hr. ago

I like the term "gallows humor" because it always makes me think of someone getting sentenced to death and thinking "I have GOT to be the funniest person at my public execution"

📻 real-radio-demon Follow

2 hr. ago

Your impending execution should be your second priority! Your first priority should ALWAYS be your commitment to the bit!

🐸 jest-fizzarolli Follow

2 hr. ago

remember, they can’t kill you if you never tell them the punch line 😎👉👉

#jester’s privilege #irl source

( 55,728 notes )

🕸️ angie-fluffy-bootz Follow

3 hr. ago

What’s the word for horny but not in a sexual way like I’m horny for Halloween but I don’t wanna fuck a pumpkin you feel

🎀 charlies-angel Follow

2 hr. ago

do u mean excited

🕸️ angie-fluffy-bootz Follow

2 hr. ago

That’s it the bitch, thanks Vaggs

#changed my mind tho #would fuck a pumpkin #irl source

( 649 notes )

🪡 niffty-lady Follow

3 hr. ago

i don’t have rizz i have one (1) big doll eye and many unsettling things to say

#irl source

( 1,622 notes )

🕸️ angie-fluffy-bootz Follow

4 hr. ago

The fact that makeup is considered to be “mature” and “sexulized” implies that being a clown or mime is the sluttiest job out there

🐸 jest-fizzarolli Follow

3 hr. ago

damn, angel, just @ me next time

#🤪 #jester’s privilege #irl source

( 17,379 notes )

🌈 hells-disney-princess Follow

5 hr. ago

how can people be so rude and not feel bad afterwards… When I don’t say thank you or don’t smile back I’ll think about it for 3 months straight and have flashbacks

#vent post #🌈 posts #irl source

( 18 notes )

🕸️ angie-fluffy-bootz Follow

Jul 1

if I make it outta this alive, I’m gonna tell my crush I’m in love with him.

🕸️ angie-fluffy-bootz Follow

Jul 1

fuck

🕸️ angie-fluffy-bootz Follow

Jul 3

ya know, I don’t think I’ve confessed to someone and meant it in over a decade?

🕸️ angie-fluffy-bootz Follow

Jul 3

haha would it be crazy if I said I forgot how?

🕸️ angie-fluffy-bootz Follow

Jul 5

today’s the day. i’m gonna do it.

🕸️ angie-fluffy-bootz Follow

5 hr. ago

guess what I did not do yesterday

#fuck why is this so hard? #i don’t know what’s wrong with me #fuck i need a drink

( 316 notes )

🍎 luci-goosey-666 Follow

Jul 4, 2013

Do you think Dad stays in Heaven because He too lives in fear of what He's created?

🍎 luci-goosey-666 Follow

6 hr. ago

I made this post 7 years ago after my wife left me and my life was falling apart.

These 7 years have been some of the darkest times in my life, and considering how fucking ancient I am, that’s really saying something.

I thought humanity was beyond cruel, that Sinners were nothing but awful, irredeemable monsters. My daughter and her hotel have taught me otherwise.

My life is finally looking up. I’m starting to regain a sense of clarity I haven’t had since fucking Eden. And I have her, her Fallen gf, and their rag-tag bunch of Sinners to thank for that.

So thank you, Charlie. I’ve said it in person, but I’ll say it again here. Thank you for showing me that the gift of free will was not wasted. That what I did wasn’t all bad. I love you, sweetie.

#wholesome

( 92,616 notes )

⬜️ voxblr-meta Follow

7 hr. ago

Fanby’s Fake Dash Masterpost

#meta #fake tumblr dash

( 29 notes )

#unreality cw #suggestive #fanby’s fuckery #fake tumblr dash #hazbin hotel #angel dust #charlie morningstar #niffty #vaggie #alastor #fizzarolli #lucifer hazbin hotel

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bladekindeyewear · 4 years

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HS^2 bloggin’ mainline 2020-09-15

This caught me laaaate at night gosh I’m tired but I’m gonna get it outta the way so it won’t stick in my craw! Already saw the first page, so it’s time for:

> CHAPTER 13. The Funeral

Church with chess symbols at the peaks and a Prospit/Derse or Hope/Rage split color theme on the stained glass windows.

JANE: Dearly beloved...

> (==>)

Trolls, humans, and papparazzi. Oh, hm, this church is RATHER carapacian isn’t it? Between the chess and the continuing Prospit-Derse themes, like how this corresponds to how they align in the incipisphere top-left to bottom-right if I recall:

(Minus the outlying orbs to the left and right for symmetry.)

That twisted pattern is interesting, and not quite a spirograph. Is that gonna be important later? If we’re going to get some sort of class chart later in the comic, it’d be easy for them to hint at the chart’s graphical structure subtly by dropping it places like here.

JANE: Ladies... JANE: Gentlemen... JANE: News outlets... JANE: And other valued members of the Human Nation State.

Technically true, but still odd to hear-- ...oh right, I forgot this was asshole dictator-wannabe Jane, too.

I read an interesting twitter thread recently about the intense psychological distinction between wanting to BE the best, and wanting to be TREATED like you’re the best. Epilogues/HS^2 Jane is kind of written as a case study on the pitfalls of leaning on the latter instead of the former.

> (==>)

They brought Yiffy WITH them-!? --Oh right. The hostage exchange was supposed to happen here wasn’t it.

Yiffy definitely looks like a Harley-Lalonde daughter in this shot.

JANE: Gamzee Makara, High Court Jester, exalted saint of the purple veil, has left us to traverse that grand, gay carnival in the sky, where, I am told by various members of the clownly cloth, he will spend the rest of history, honking in grand tribute to the Mirthful Messiah.

SINGULAR???

Weird. Is it because Alt!Callie “won” here?

Or is Jane just forgetting because she’s culturally used to monotheism (ironically) and is insensitive.

JANE: And my first memory of our Purple Prince, was his robust codpiece--

Wow.

> (==>)

JANE: --As he offered me his friendly support, along with the sacred blood of his brethren, the holy sacrament--

He STILL killed trolls??! (EDIT: No, a friend points out that she's talking about when she met him first in Act 6 and he tried selling bottles of troll blood to her. EDIT2: -which may be another inconsistency, since Vriska supposedly overwrote that post-retcon.)

> (==>)

It takes Jake a few seconds of puzzled eye contact before he catches exactly what it is Yiffany is tossing down. In his defense, he is distracted by his wife’s speech, which is doing the emotional equivalent of wringing him out like a wet towel, before using that towel to slap the sweaty buttocks of a large, odorous man. Even if he knows everything she’s saying is a load of horsefeathers, it does nothing for his composure to hear her heap praise on that smelly, homewrecking clown.

Bad things about Gamzee deserve to be said here, yes.

Jake wonders what she’ll say about him, at his own funeral.

Now those are some uncomfortable thoughts.

He narrows his eyes in Yiffany’s direction. She’s a lovely girl, really. He wishes he could have gotten to know her under better circumstances. He’d known she existed, of course--Jane had complained about her often enough--but they’d never had much chance to get acquainted. He rather believes her and Tavvy would have been fast friends.

Then again, perhaps it’s better that she never had much of a chance to get to know his family.

He lets go of the leash.

Yep, there’s a plan to set in motion that he’s probably already discussed with her privately. Gotta unite this four-kid team after all.

> (==>)

Wait, are you ATTACKING?!? --Of course you’re attacking. You would even if the plan was something different, wouldn’t you.

JANE: And I know that at times like these it is easy to want to give in. JANE: To throw in the towel, and turn our faces away from the light of democracy and moral fortitude that we, the citizens of the human kingdom, are blessed with from birth. JANE: God knows I’ve had my own faith tested in the last few weeks.

Jesus Christ, what has she turned the place into, a fucking theocracy?

She sounds like the leader of some screwed-up, fundamentalist country! Like the United States!

*rimshot*

JANE: As many of you know, I did not grow up with the same privileges that all of you enjoy.

Jesus.

JANE: I was born on proto-Earth, that half-finished dystopia mangled by the ravages of foolish leadership and endless war.

Jesus, she really IS a self-evident takedown of hypocritical entitled political figures. With the bonuses having Jasprose explicitly ADDRESS said entitlement to make things even clearer cut.

JANE: And as for Gamzee, well, his upbringing was even worse. JANE: He was born to a violent and uncaring home, a lonely child with few natural gifts.

...Some natural gifts and status.

> (==>)

She’s just, shaking with fury here isn’t she? And about to perform an impressive corpse-lob.

JANE: It would be simple to let this disgusting, vile, SHAMEFUL act of spiteful revenge turn us away from the blinding light of the sword of justice that hangs over us all--

This sentence seems suspicious so I’m quoting it to refer to later if I need to, but is probably just platitudes.

> (==>)

JANE: Poised

> (==>)

JANE: Trembling

Okay maybe the sword’s a dick, but what exactly is Yiffany doing?? I’m finding it difficult as usual to tell between some of these image transitions.

> (==>)

JANE: Ready to burst forth--

Bad PR to shock-collar a kid mid press junket. (Very dicks description.)

> (==>)

Click. (Did they swap the shock function with Jane’s necklace somehow, that’d be fun.)

JANE: I want to give up, at times. I understand your pain.

While shocking a kid? GREAT PR.

> (==>)

JANE: I sympathize with your pain.

Wow, those horrified audience members. She REALLY can’t even see herself anymore can she? Not even hear herself. And they’re making sure this is pointed out to EVERYONE watching. They described this as in large part a PR campaign to defeat her, didn’t they?

> (==>)

Great furious businesswoman-villain look, that art.

JANE: But when that pain! Becomes too hard! To endure! JANE: Remember poor, lifeless Gamzee! Who suffered pain far worse than any of us could ever fathom! JANE: THE PAIN OF BETRAYAL!

Click click click. This is a fun sequence.

> (==>)

DIRK: Dude, didn’t you lower the voltage on that shock collar? DIRK: Little Red isn’t looking so hot. JAKE: Yes of course i did but the damn doohickys got the kick of a donkey! JAKE: I couldnt remove it completely shed know i was the one who did it! DIRK: Well, if that supervillain cuntwaffle doesn’t stop, she’s going to kill her. Not really the best at hostage management, is she.

Decent plan. (And of course Dirk would pull out the word cunt.) When’s the cavalry coming?

> (==>)

JANE: But we cannot allow his memory to be in vain! JANE: For Gamzee Makara taught us that even the most loathsome degenerate can take their place in society. JANE: All they need is the right redemption arc - !

Trying to hammer home some of the Epilogue’s trolly-critical themes a little less bleakly, I take it.

I kind of like the violent vibration in ALL of these gifs in a row. It makes the scene seem small, slow, teeth-clenching but still full of steady action, emphasizing the importance of the relatively small events from panel to panel while giving them the sense with the animation of them being [i]drawn out[/i] and tortuous instead of just “occurring”. It feels that way to me, anyway.

> (==>)

If he got up alive here, that’d be hilarious. (Presumably he’s been treated and done-up like a normal funeral body, not “dormant” and undecaying like a dead god-tier.)

> (==>)

CORPSE PUNT w/ CLEATS

> (==>)

That face is just. I love that face.

> (==>)

SHE MAD

JANE: Young lady, I am just about at the end of my rope with you. JANE: Throw all the dog bowls you want at the walls of my warship. JANE: But don’t you dare act up in front of a JANE: Live JANE: Fucking JANE: Newsfeed! YIFFY: Grrrrrr

What did you expect to happen? Do you expect to shout her down from this, Jane?

JANE: After everything I’ve done for you--paying for your education, helping your parents cover up your existence from the world! JANE: Just imagine what Rose and Jade would say if they could see you now, even dissidents can have a little decorum! JANE: Get down from there at once! YIFFY: Grrrrrr

But this is GAMZEE. --I guess it’s seriously disrespectful to his followers, though. Still. If you wanted civility from her, a shock collar, leash, and food bowl wasn’t the way to go about it.

JANE: Don’t you threaten me, young lady. Not today! YIFFY: GRRRRRRRRR

What is your PLAN even, Jane? You’ve completely disregarded her.

JANE: There’s nowhere for you to go. My agents are swarming this church. Be reasonable, Yiffany. JANE: Ugh. JANE: Disgusting name. JANE: But that’s hardly your fault. You were always just a footnote. Your parents’ little prank. JANE: Honestly, that’s why I helped them all those years ago! I do love a good jape. JANE: But let’s be serious. JANE: You don’t matter. If you did, they would have come for you already.

Can all the press hear her being such an asshole?

Okay, stereotypically, their arrival should be the next couple panels:

> (==>)

Jake, do something useful like hoping harder.

> (==>)

And she knocks the remote away. Excellent.

And she does. Seemingly at the end of her tolerance for insults toward her name, social status, and heritage, Yiffy performs an impressive backflip off the podium and down onto the church floor. One that, if it hadn’t been happening amidst a sea of other newsworthy events, would surely have ended up on someone’s instagram story within thirty seconds. She gives Gamzee’s corpse one last parting kick: a hard, proper kick that proves those cleats aren’t just for fashion. Although they are certainly also for fashion.

Good, good.

He vanishes into the seething crowd, and we are confident that we will never have to deal with this asshole ever again.

God damnit.

> (==>)

Jake watches this from a safe distance, poised on the edge of intervening to pull Yiffy out of there. But in the end he doesn’t have to. Instead he watches in admiration as she tears the place to utter shreds. An echoing sympathy swells inside of him as she rends apart the funeral flowers and punts Gamzee into the shrieking congregation. Here is a girl who felt the cold, indecent hand of fate wrapping around her, and instead of submitting to it and slowly sublimating down into morasse of boiled doormat, she slapped it away from her with a lively oh, no thank you.

All at once, Jake feels immense affection for his granddaughter. He hopes the two of them can make up for lost time.

Lessons belatedly learned, but learned nonetheless.

> (==>)

JANE: Enough of this. JANE: Seize her!

Kind of Red Queen of you. (Are those stained glass windows in back of the frame about to burst?)

> (==>)

Yep.

The stained glass window shatters inward, obliterated to stardust. The war is knocking.

Even attacking a disgusting faith’s church is pretty bad form, though.

Tired and busy, seeya next upd8. <3

#Homestuck #hs2 #Homestuck Liveblog #upd8 #Homestuck^2 #spoiler #spoilers

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shadowsnowdapple · 6 years

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This post contains discourse. Be advised.

To people who are still mad about Molly being (most likely) permi-dead: yeah it sucks. I hate it. I loved Molly so much. But: there really isn’t any believable ways to rez Molly. Finding some random 9+ level cleric could work but considering their location, that’s not super likely. Yes, this is a story, and yeah Molly had SO MUCH POTENTIAL DAMN IT- but this is a g a m e. Bad things happen. As Matt said: low level play is dangerous. ESPECIALLY when there is no cleric. And even IF Jester was there, I can’t remember if Jester even HAD a 300 g diamond to Rez Molly. Thems the rules. Thems the breaks. “But PIKE go Rezed pregame!” You say. Yes, she did, but the players were around the level which Raise Dead is a spell that could be used and they had JUST SAVED A FREAKING MONARCH AND KILLED A DRAGON. They had MONEY, POWER, and INFLUENCE in a LARGE CITY. Before I realized how far the party was from Zedash I thought that they could get Molly to the gentleman before the 10 days were up and the gentleman has money, power, and influence. But they’re too far.

On a lighter topic, here’s what I wish will happen: Molly will wake up. Like he did last time. Either with no memories or (what I HOPE THE FREAKING MOST) as Lucian/Nonagon. Deaths are supposed to have WEIGHT. And it would be amazing to have a way to still have the story that Matt was setting up but in a different fashion that still gave the death weight. But, it’s Matt and the other’s game, their choice and YALL HAVE THE PRIVILEGE TO WATCH IT. DONT MAKE THEM REGRET IT.

#critical role #fandom discourse #discourse #mollymauk tealeaf #cr2 spoilers #if I see another person give the CR team shit i will FIGHT.#caps

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cardhouseandthecage · 6 years

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LV, fears

Characeter ask meme, re @lilac-buttons Mischance asks LV: E. Fears.

(this scene may be unfinished but the fears part has been covered so I’m going to go ahead and post it, finish the rest of the asks, then maybe write the ending later. or i might just draw the ending)

—

LV looked first into the courtyard, where the four bell-trees stood in symmetry around a fountain of light: the copper, the silver, the gold, and the bronze. Their colours mingled in the water as it danced, and a wind played through branches as in welcome. The chimes they bore rang prettily, and LV stood then a moment in the shade, remembering how the jester first had danced there, alone over the stonework in the amber light (how she had choked here in the shadows looking on, how she had not dared to breathe). But the courtyard now was empty. The jester was not there. So she passed beneath an arch into the Antique Vestibule, on through the Hall of Mirrors and the maze of stairs in black and white (which nearly trapped her), escaping at last through a shaft to the Room of Light and Music and the adjoining Concert of the Still Lake. There, she drew a symbol on a slate-coloured tile. Its counterpart in the ceiling shifted, and dropped down a ladder made of silk: this she took in hand, and then she paused.

She looked from the ladder to her plated fingers, and then down to her heavy boots. A dark circle stained the water all around her. LV frowned: she had not noticed that she had been dripping. How many of the rooms, she wondered, had she defiled? With a roll of her wrist she drew the blackness back into herself, then contracted her bulk and smoothed over her hands and feet.

Thinking thoughts of lightness and containment, she opened the hatch into the Loft of Scarves.

Silks of lavender and marigold writhed like serpents in light above. She pulled herself up and set the hatch back at her feet, spoke one word and the swarm parted. Back to the wall, Mischance sat huddled with their head between their knees, only a hat and hands and feet. They must have noticed her by now, but they showed no sign of it. She passed through the scarves and took a seat against the wall beside them, realising as she did that she had taken a size almost identical to theirs. She waited, resting an arm upon one knee.

“You must think me a great coward,” they said.

Their voice was unexpectedly clear for all that they had not lifted their head from their knees. LV stole one glance in their direction. “Not at all,” she said, and looked back to the throng of scarves.

“I think that you are very brave.”

“I don’t know why you keep me.” Mischance ignored her. “You were right in the beginning, to turn me away. I’m no match for you. Everything you do is beyond me. You…you’re fearless. You’re not afraid of anything; you’re more.” They paused, and their voice retreated into their throat. “I hold you back.”

“That isn’t true.”

“You can’t tell me you weren’t put out when I refused to run the experiment.” Mischance glared at her, their expression shrewd, but LV could see that they had been crying. “You’re not subtle.”

“No,” LV looked down, and her crown hung low around her head. “I mean…yes, it’s true that I was disappointed. And I still think”—she placed one hand on either side of her helmet, and exhaled. “I mean I think it was unfair of me. I think that if it was anything I did or said that caused you to feel like this, then it was unfair. I think it does not matter what I wanted, if you did not want it also. I will not—” Now her crown threatened to drip more seriously; she caught a large globule of it in her hand as it dropped down before her face, and curled her fingers around the sludge. “I must not be that. Not with you. No matter what I want, no matter what I say. Do you understand?”

“Of course I do.” Mischance spoke levelly. “And that is why I say what I have said, exactly as I have said it. How could I hold you back if I had no hold on you? I know well that you will never force me: that’s not what I said.” They held her gaze. “I said that I hold you back.”

“And I say that you are very clever, fool, but you are wrong. You said also that I am not afraid.” LV paused, looked down again. “It isn’t true.”

“Oh don’t humour me.” The jester rolled their eyes and leaned back against the wall. “Apart from petty negotiations I don’t think i’ve ever seen you fearful in my entire life—and you can’t tell me that counts; that’s just absurd.”

“It absolutely does count. Paperwork is horrifying. But that’s not what I was talking about.”

“Then what?”

LV traced a pattern with her finger over her right knee, silent for a spell, and Mischance waited. At length she let her head fall to one side, and caught their eye from under the shadow of her helmet.

“Do you really think that’s why I tried to run you off?”

She spoke now very softly, quiet as a ghost.

“I mean you first came to this place. Do you think it was because I thought you would not measure up—that you would not be brave enough to match me? Because if so, I’m having a hard time imagining how you could have gotten it more wrong. You, Mischance, were the bravest thing I’d seen in years.” She looked down. “I was terrified.”

“You…what?”

“You terrified me.”

“I’m sorry,” Mischance laughed. “But…how—?”

“It’s difficult to explain.”

The scarves had calmed somewhat now, and Mischance let them swim through the air in a figure eight as she continued to speak. The stream of their shadows rippled over the walls.

“Before you came here,” she said, “I did not hope for anything. And I did not fear anything, either—not for a long time. You’d be surprised how easy that is, when you want nothing. When nothing is wanted of you. I simply was. I was waiting… I assumed that it would be like that forever, until I was not. So when you came here—when you answered the summons that I did not recall having sent, when you overcame the nine gates and demanded my audience, bowed before me as if I were still some great lord, and begged apprenticeship… you hardly seemed possible. I did not know what to make of you. You trembled under my scrutiny, and yet you would not leave. You had the summons. I let you stay, and you were pleased. I could not fathom why. You seemed so interested in everything around you, so reactive. Things startled you and you jumped. A colour would catch your eye: you’d step closer and you’d smile. You ran your tests and you threw your scarves and bent all surfaces to your will. You set goals and you celebrated your progress, and scowled when you found yourself thwarted. You kept on. You made jokes and laughed at them. And then too sometimes you saddened, sometimes you stilled…” She looked up, reached over and took one bell from the jester’s hat between her fingers. “Just like this. “And I thought then that perhaps, after all, you were not so different…” She drew her finger over their nose, and down the line of diamonds on each cheek. “But even in your sadness there was an energy—something I recognised, but had not felt in a very long time. It was full, somehow. Full of want.” She drew back her hand now, let it hover before their face. “And that frightened me. It’s what had frightened me all along. It’s why I’d wanted you to leave—the moment I saw you: everything about you screamed it. You wanted so much. And you were brave enough to try.” She rotated her palm to face her, and stared into it.

“It takes a great deal of courage, you see, to be afraid. You’ll think you’ve cheated it—you’ll think you’re fearless—but there is a deeper fear behind it: one that sleeps, and one that waits. That fear is a tyrant. It will make a coward of you, and you’ll never know: it erases all fears else, lays you to rest…

“I’m afraid of a lot of things, now. I owe you that. I’m afraid of what I was, and what I am. Afraid of the difference. So much that I have ruined, you remind me of: I’m afraid I will destroy you, somehow, or disappoint you—that we will fail. There is such a heaviness in me, sometimes—still—and I’m afraid it will win out, that I’ll go back. And I do not want that, Mischance. Even to fear these things at all: I hold it a great privilege: it is better—so much better. Now you say you are no match for me.” She laughed gently, flexed and un-flexed her hand. “But what would I be, do you think, if you had not come?”

Mischance now sat facing her with their legs crossed, their expression kind. They reached out and caught another drop from her crown, rolled it from hand to hand like a ball of mercury, transfigured it into a globular caterpillar.

“I do not think it quite fair,” they said, “to call yourself a coward.” They placed the caterpillar back atop the rim of her crown. “You were not well. You may have recovered on your own, in time. Or perhaps someone else would have helped you. Maybe even someone better.”

“No.”

“No what?”

LV pulled away, rolled onto her knees and drew herself up tall.

“None of that. No one better.”

“You can’t know that.”

“I can,” she said, and she would have looked very grave but for the caterpillar inching around the circumference of crown. “Do you think I would accept just anyone into this position? I am your King. I will not sit here and be insulted in my choice of jester.”

“Hmmmm.” Mischance narrowed their eyes, held out their hand in front of them, palm down. In a flash, a set of cards leapt up to meet it from a crack in the floorboards. Mischance shuffled them in a series of arcs, then held them up in front of of their nose in a fan, peering just over the tops of them.

“Will it please your Grace,” they asked, “to pick a card?”

#composed fiction #mischance #LV #mischance*#LV*#character ask meme #MLV

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