lame portal-ified disney song by me
*to the tune of "Belle" from Beauty and the Beast*
"Miss Caroline!"
CAROLINE
Scientists' town,
Artificial village
Ev'ry day
New explosions there
Underground
Full of crazy people
Waking up to say:
SCIENTISTS
Oh god! Oh no! Emergency! Hold on!
CAROLINE
Here's Mr. Wheatley with reports, like always
I guess, some test-subjects just died
Making science, bending time
Since the day we dug that mine
In the state of Michigan
WHEATLEY
Good Morning, Miss Caroline!
CAROLINE
Good morning, Wheatley.
WHEATLEY
Where are you off to?
CAROLINE
The turret production-line.
Mr. Johnson wanted me to count
How many bullets per bullet it takes to…
WHEATLEY
Y-Yeah, that's great.
Jerry!
Down the lift shaft!
Hurry up, mate!
MALE SCIENTISTS
Look there she goes Miss Caroline, she's gorgeous
Smart and collected, can't you tell?
LADY SCIENTISTS
But she's just some poor assistant!
RICK/ADVENTURE CORE
But her body's like a pistol
SCIENTISTS
She's a heart and soul of Aperture for sure!
MALE SCIENTIST 1
Hello!
LADY SCIENTIST 1
Good day!
MALE SCIENTIST 1
How's hard-light bridges?
LADY SCIENTIST 2
Hello!
MALE SCIENTIST 2
Good day!
LADY SCIENTIST 2
Where's Mantis Men?
MALE SCIENTIST 3
We need more cubes!
LADY SCIENTIST 3
They're in the storage
CAROLINE
We're forwarding the cause of science with our lives!
CAVE JOHNSON
Ah, Caroline!
CAROLINE
Good morning, Mr. Johnson, sir!
I was just about to go the bullet expertise…
CAVE JOHNSON
Good, and what's about compensation vouchers? Are they ready?
CAROLINE
Yes, they're on your desk!
CAVE JOHNSON
Give them to the reception.
CAROLINE
Right! Of course!
CAVE JOHNSON
And tell the lab boys we need gel pipes
In spheres from 12 to 20 up and running by Tuesday
CAROLINE
Will be done, sir! Is there something else I can do for you?
CAVE JOHNSON
Keep doing what you're doing. Oh, and remind the repair wing guy that we still have that leak in the west hall.
CAROLINE
Yes, sir.
CAVE JOHNSON
Thank you, Caroline. You're a gem.
CAROLINE
Oh, Mr. Johnson.
SCIENTISTS
Look there she goes, the essence of our science!
(So close to Mr. Johnson, too)
With her long thick brown hair
And red scarf around her neck
What a puzzle this Miss Caroline must be!
CAROLINE
Oh, isn't this a triumph?
All the points of data ready to compute
Here's in Aperture Science
We can laugh at physics and just hope
We won't get sued!
VIRGIL/MAINTENANCE CORE
Now it's no wonder that we kicked Black Mesa
Our methods got no parallel
CRAIG/FACT CORE
But we signed their trading pact
Borealis is a fact!
KEVIN/SPACE CORE
And my daddy gotta take it into space!
SCIENTISTS
We are the best researching team!
We're making portals and we'll win this race!
GREG
Wow! It seems your pep talk got them all inspired, Mr. Johnson!
You're the greatest boss in the whole world!
CAVE JOHNSON
I know.
GREG
But there are still some problems with the GLaDOS project.
We don't have a required intellect substance.
CAVE JOHNSON
It's true, Greg.
But I've got my sights set on one particular assistant.
GREG
You mean Miss Caroline?!
CAVE JOHNSON
She's the one. The only woman whom I can trust to run the facility the way I used to.
GREG
But she's -
CAVE JOHNSON
The most loyal assistant I had.
GREG
I know, but -
CAVE JOHNSON
That makes her the best.
And don't Aperture Science deserve the best?
GREG
Of course it does!
CAVE JOHNSON
Right from the moment when I met her, saw her
I said she is the one we need!
She's the energy, no resting
And has passion for the testing
So I'm making plans to put her in the charge!
LADY SCIENTISTS
Look there
He goes
Isn't he handsome?
Oh, Mister Johnson
He's the best!
My circuits blow
I'm hardly breathing
He's such a tall, clever and charming man!
[some banter that I cut out, because i had no inspo]
CAROLINE
We're forwarding the cause of science with our souls!
CAVE JOHNSON
Just watch,
She's going to outlive you all!
SCIENTISTS
He chose Miss Caroline to be his heir
It's such an honor, to be fair!
LADY SCIENTISTS
But what if she doesn't want it?
MALE SCIENTISTS
Then we make her, like he ordered!
SCIENTISTS
'Cause she really is our only hope
She'll live forever like a God
She'll rule facility for long
Miss Caroline!
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