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admiralty-xfd · 5 years

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Culmination

Scully deals with the aftermath of Mulder’s death.

This is Chapter 11. To go back to the beginning click here.

DEVASTATION

(post This Is Not Happening)

SCULLY

The last time she felt this way was when Ahab died. He was the center of her world, he was everything to her, and right when Mulder began to take over that role in her life her father up and died on her, leaving a hole in her heart she knew she’d never quite be able to fill.

She didn’t blame Mulder for that, obviously. But at the time she blamed herself for feeling that way. She feared she failed her father, that she never lived up to what she believed he’d expected of her. She is at peace with this now, she knows he was her father and loved her no matter what.

But then… then. It had been awful. The pain in her mother’s eyes, her siblings, her own whenever she happened to pass by a mirror.

Mulder had been there for her. He hadn’t yet dealt with the loss of a parent, but his own loss of his sister had been just as devastating. Over the years as they lost family members one by one, loss was something that they shared, leaning upon each other, giving and receiving each other’s pain.

Now, she has no one to share her pain with anymore.

She remembers a similar feeling, multiple times in the past, when she thought she might have lost him. That buried train car in New Mexico. When he’d gotten shot in that bank robbery. The tobacco beetles. The field in North Carolina, which was only a hallucination but the pain she’d felt was very real.

Now she’s lost him forever. She failed him utterly, completely. She wasn’t able to save him. She can barely bring herself to think it, let alone say it. She can’t breathe, can’t function, doesn’t even want to get out of bed anymore.

But she does. She has to, because she still has part of him inside her. The tiny life growing there that against any possible logic or sense somehow has taken hold and thrived.

A miracle. Their miracle.

It’s been weeks now since she buried him. She’d debated performing an autopsy to ascertain his precise cause of death, but the coroner was satisfied that the external damage was sufficient explanation. The FBI certainly wanted to clean their hands of the entire thing, Scully frankly wouldn’t trust another soul to do it, and could never have done it herself. It was indeed a quandary. In hindsight perhaps she’d have made a different decision, but she was in no state at the time. And if she was being honest, she felt nothing she could possibly have turned up would have mattered.

It couldn’t bring him back. Nothing would.

She convinces herself of this in times when she wishes she had more answers; answers she knows would only make her feel worse, not better.

She enters his apartment for what feels like the hundredth time since he went missing. She’s been sleeping here more and more. She knows it’s silly to keep paying his rent but he’s left everything he owns to her in his will and she simply hasn’t been able to face it.

So she delays. Delays removing this place from her life completely. Delays sifting through his memories, most of which will only further break her broken heart. Delays moving on, surviving him.

She doesn’t know how to do that.

The only source of comfort she’s had has been her mother, and there’s only so much she can really share with her. Maggie cared for Mulder unquestioningly over the years, and while Scully hadn’t really confided the complex nature of their relationship to her, she suspected her mother had known the truth of it all along.

She wishes she had someone, anyone to confide in. All her friends from over the years had fallen away as she moved deeper and deeper into Mulder. He had become her rock, her everything, at the expense of all else, and now he’s gone.

She places her hands on her belly, finally beginning to swell, while waiting in the office of her therapist.

Dr. Karen Kosseff had always been a comfort to her in times of stress or need. She hasn’t been to see her in years, and wonders if the doctor will remember anything about her. She does know it’s the only thing she can think of to do; the only person she can think to talk to.

“Dana,” the doctor opens her office door and greets her with a friendly handshake, holding Scully’s hand and gently covering it with her own. She looks just the same, eyes stern but filled with warmth, her short hair cropped a bit closer now.

“Hello, Doctor.” Scully maneuvers herself into the soft couch, and sinks down a bit. Down, down, down, as if she can get any lower.

“I was very sorry to hear about Agent Mulder, Dana. Losing a partner can be just as difficult as losing a family member.”

Scully knows she’s here to talk, but suddenly she can’t. The tears are already welling in her eyes. She just wants to cry and cry and know Dr. Kosseff will not judge or pity or do any of the things most of the people in her life are doing. Maybe that’s the reason she’s here: to cry.

So she does. Her forehead crinkles and she doubles over, heaving and sobbing in a way she hasn’t allowed herself to in front of another soul. Dr. Kosseff moves to the chair beside her and rubs her back.

After a minute or so her cries subside. Her breath hitching, she reaches for the tissues on the table.

“Thank you.” Her voice is small but grateful. She finally looks into the therapist’s eyes and sees something she’s needed to see for weeks: complete and utter understanding.

“How is your new partner dealing with this, with you?” Dr. Kosseff asks.

“Agent Doggett has been supportive, as much as I’ll allow him to be.”

“Will you … allow him to talk to you about Agent Mulder?”

Shaking her head, Scully sighs. “No. We are friendly, but… no.”

“I know you’ve had problems in the past, letting your partner in. Letting him worry, letting him care. Are you having these problems with Agent Doggett?”

Scully looks at her lap. “It’s... different. It’s a completely different situation.”

Dr. Kosseff eyes her, and slowly sits back into her chair. “Dana, I hope you don’t think you need to keep the nature of your relationship with Agent Mulder hidden from me. Anything you say to me is in the strictest confidence.”

Scully looks up, surprised.

“I’ve been listening to you for years, Dana. I’m taking a leap here but I can tell you need someone to talk to about him, and I can’t help you if you aren’t honest with me.”

Scully sighs and looks down again. She supposes there’s little point in hiding the nature of their relationship from the Bureau anymore anyway. “We never told anyone. Although I’m sure AD Skinner knew.”

Dr. Kosseff looks at her sadly. “So... he was your family.”

Scully nods. “It happened so gradually, I hardly noticed it. I’m not used to being so reliant on another person. But he was part of me, and now that he’s gone… I feel like part of me is gone, too.” She laughs softly to herself. “That sounds so cliché, I know.” Dr. Kosseff waits, knowing she has more to say.

“After he disappeared I found out he was very sick. He was actually dying. He’d known for awhile and never told me. I can’t even tell you how upset that made me. I mean… it was me. He’d gone to so many other doctors but never confided in me. Why? Why would he do that?”

Dr. Kosseff looks thoughtful. “Do you think it’s possible he was just afraid to tell you? That he didn’t want to hurt you? That it hurt him to have to tell you something like that?”

Scully considers this. “You may be right, but I can’t help but feel like… like he stole that time from me, from both of us. I thought about back when I was suffering from my cancer. At the time I didn’t realize how lucky I’d been for my family to have that time with me. It was such a strange feeling, knowing I was dying and taking stock. Appreciating the moments we had together. It was a blessing.” She shakes her head. “That slow death knell was actually a blessing.”

She leans forward to take the box of tissues on the table in front of her, still looking at her lap.

“But this? This is absolute torture. This… sudden loss, like a candle has been extinguished and you’re left completely alone in the dark. I know the reason he died had nothing to do with his disease, but the outcome would have been the same if he’d never told me.” She looks down at her hands. “He kept me in the dark, and I hated that feeling. I hated when he did that. I’ve been in the dark as long as I’ve known Mulder. But he was always the one who brought me light. He was always there with me. Whenever things were hard, at least we were always together.”

Dr. Kosseff is silent, listening.

“We didn’t get the slow death knell. We didn’t get to take stock. I would have done things differently if he had told me he was dying. If I knew I’d only have a short time with him, I’d have done so many things differently.”

“What things?”

She finally looks up at the doctor. “I would have told him that I loved him. I would have stopped being afraid. Maybe it would have changed a lot of things. I should have been braver.”

Dr. Kosseff smiles a bit. “It’s funny, isn’t it? How we only think we can be brave when we have a reason to be.”

Scully ponders that. Her mind drifts to the night she went to him in his bedroom and tore down their walls for no reason at all, only because she wanted to. How good it had felt, how it had changed everything.

“Are you still upset, Dana? About Agent Mulder’s decision to not tell you about his illness?” Dr. Kosseff asks.

She shakes her head. “Of course not. How can I be, now? It just makes me question so much.”

“Like what?”

Scully pauses for a moment, thinking. She knows fear hadn’t been the only thing holding her back from telling him she loved him. Truth was, she’d wanted him to say it first.

“Like how he really felt about me.”

Dr. Kosseff raises an eyebrow. “Dana, how could you possibly question that? You know how much he cared about you.”

“I know that, I know he did. I guess it’s just painful now, realizing I don’t know how much. I’ll never know, not really.” Her hands go to her belly. “I wish he’d known. I wish we’d both known before he left. Maybe things would have been different.”

The doctor leans forward a bit. “You mean... about the baby?”

Scully nods. She needed to tell someone. She feels a sense of relief. The doctor sits back again and regards Scully.

“I can only imagine how hard this must be, but Dana, this baby is an incredible gift. Especially considering all you’ve been through. It’s something he left behind that will always be a part of you.”

“I know, I know that.” She looks away, feeling the tears well up again. “And I'm so grateful. But I hate feeling this way, feeling like I missed my chance to tell him how I felt about him. Maybe if I had, he wouldn’t have left. Maybe he'd still be alive, and we would still be together.”

“You can’t blame yourself for what happened to Agent Mulder.”

“But I do. I do blame myself. I… I failed him.”

“Dana, no one could have predicted this. Especially you. Nothing you did caused this to happen.”

Scully feels a pain in her heart, something like regret. She stares blankly into space, not really talking to the doctor anymore, but talking to herself. A realization that completely guts her. “He’s dead and he never even knew I loved him. He never knew.”

Dr. Kosseff leans forward to take Scully’s hands in hers, and offers her a final piece of wisdom.

“I believe he knew.”

***

Closing the door behind her, Scully looks around. She sees Mulder’s fish tank, bubbling softly, the spaceship inside quietly ascending, descending. She sees his couch, the leather worn in one spot where he slept alone all those years.

She goes to his closet and starts pulling out clothes, slowly. It’s time to do this. One at a time, his shirts come out as she lays them on the bed. Some she can remember him wearing certain places, some she can’t. Then the ties. Then the pants.

As she starts to remove a black pair, something makes her pause. She runs her fingers along the fabric, and as they drift downward across the pocket she hears a crackling noise.

Confused, she reaches her hand inside and pulls out a small piece of paper folded in half.

Dear Dana

Dearest Dana

Scully,

I don’t know where to start. I

She stares at the writing, his writing. He’d certainly tried to tell her something. He had been trying. There were things that remained unsaid.

She closes her eyes. Why had it been so hard for them to talk to each other, really talk to each other? They were so good at talking about everything else but their feelings. For so long they had been afraid, fear holding them back from the truth. All they sought was truth and it had been right there for them both, right in front of them. They’d wasted so much time and now it was all over for them.

When her father had died, she'd known without a doubt that he'd loved her, and she knew he'd known she had loved him. Now, with Mulder, all she can feel is regret.

She takes the note, folds it, puts it in her pocket. She cannot face this today after all. She will try again tomorrow.

***

Scully stands at the gravesite. She doesn’t know what to say, how to say it, and what to do afterwards. Getting here was a struggle.

She’s believed in God for most of her life but today is one of those days she’s less than certain. She knows she should pray but she wants to curse God for taking him away from her.

She wants to talk to Mulder more.

I never imagined having to do this, Mulder. I should have, considering our line of work. I just… didn’t want to face it, I guess.

I should never have let you go without me. I should have told you I needed to come with you. Together we could have prevented this, I know it. We could have done anything together. We could have taken on the world together. Now we don’t even get to try.

I’m not sure how to move on from this. I need you to help me, and you aren’t here.

Do you remember that night at the Liberty Bell when we talked about the afterlife? I’ve been thinking about that night a lot. I’m not sure what I think about ghosts, or an afterlife, not anymore. But I hope to God it’s true. I hope you can hear me because I need to tell you how much I loved you. I need you to know that you were my whole world.

I’m so sorry I wasn’t strong enough to let you know that. I should have told you every day how I couldn’t live without you. Then maybe I wouldn’t be trying and failing to do just that right now.

SKINNER

(DeadAlive)

Assistant Director Walter Skinner peers through the window of Mulder’s hospital room and sees a familiar sight: Agent Scully sitting at his bedside, holding his hand. He doesn’t like the idea that he’s imposing upon a private moment, but the image of the two of them together is arresting. He marvels at her dedication.

It’s always been this way with them. One missing, or injured, or in trouble, and the other stopping at nothing to help. He’s never seen two people more fiercely devoted to one another in his life. Every person Skinner has ever encountered has had some failing, some drawback when it comes to protecting the people they love. A point where they falter, or give up.

Not Scully or Mulder. Never on each other.

Back when he was in the Marines, Skinner knew from loyalty. He witnessed it every day. Men and women relying on each other with their very lives, in constant danger. He’s never seen a pair forced to rely on each other in that way outside the battlefield.

At times he feels guilty, like he should have been more of a rock for the two of them. He’s tried, he really has.

Skinner has watched Scully and Mulder grow over the years from a vantage point no one else has been able to. He’s seen it all, the good, bad and the ugliest of ugly. Every single time they’ve been there for one another. He’d be envious if he wasn’t in such damn awe.

When that… spacecraft? Whatever it was, he can hardly believe himself at this point… took Mulder away, his thoughts immediately went to Scully. It was as if his mind couldn’t separate them. He was her, she was him, they were like a single entity. All he could think of was how he would tell her. How he somehow got into this position where he would have to watch her break.

Now, to see Scully like this… it’s awful. It’s unfathomable. She’s lost her partner, her best friend, and although she may be unaware he knows, more than even that.

It’s strange seeing this new Scully, this broken Scully. He never expected her to need anyone to take care of her. Losing Mulder had an effect on her he’d never wished to see, and he hadn’t anticipated this shift into being one of her only real sources of support. He wants to be there for her, he just has no idea how.

He’s about to enter the room when he notices her take Mulder’s hand and place it over her pregnant belly.

He knew already, he really did. How could he not? But seeing this simple act of love has taken his breath away. The tragedy before him is staggering. How could anyone possibly understand what these two have had to go through? And now to see it all end like this? It’s beyond words.

He knocks quietly and enters. “Can I come in?”

”Yes,” she replies, quickly moving their hands from her stomach to the bed.

“Any news?” he asks. After he’d taken Mulder off life support, the virus in his body had stopped thriving. It looked very possible he could survive, but for now it was a waiting game. He wasn’t about to get his hopes up, not yet.

She shakes her head. “We wait.”

He crosses the room and sits in a chair at the other side. Mulder looks much better, he has to admit. The tubes are out and he seems to be breathing on his own.

“I don’t know if I ever thanked you for doing what you did,” Scully says. “For pushing for the exhumation. This wouldn’t even be possible if it weren’t for you.”

“It wouldn’t have happened in the first place if it weren’t for me,” he says sadly.

“There’s nothing you could have done,” Scully quickly says. She wasn’t there, but he appreciates that she knows this much must be true.

“I need to tell you something, Dana.”

“What is it?”

He hedges a bit. “I told you there was a vaccine for Mulder, but I didn’t tell you the entire story.”

“So, tell me now.”

“Alex Krycek had the vaccine.”

Her brow knits in confusion. “Krycek? How is he involved in all this?”

“I’m not sure. I just know that he-“ he stops. “He wanted to kill your baby.”

Her hand lets go of Mulder’s and goes to her belly.

“My baby? Why? What does he have to do with my baby?”

“I don’t know. But I needed you to know that somehow he knew... about it.”

He watches her thinking for a moment, processing all this. He hasn’t the slightest idea what all this is about. Until Krycek showed up, he’d assumed there was nothing unusual about this situation. Scully turning up pregnant with Mulder's baby seemed like an inevitability somehow.

“Is there… something you need to talk about, Dana? Because I can be here for you, you know, if you need somebody to talk about this with.”

She sighs deeply. “I would, if I had any clue where to start.”

A horrible thought takes hold in his gut. He can’t explain it, he can’t understand it, but he feels compelled to speak it.

“Could the smoking man know about it too?”

She looks confused for a moment, then looks thoughtful, then closes her eyes. “That fucking fucker.”

He’s clearly hit a nerve but cannot disagree.

She opens her eyes and says “I can’t rule it out. I hate even thinking about that but I can’t.”

“I see,” he says. Even though he doesn’t see, not at all. She doesn’t seem to want to elaborate and he doesn’t push. He’s well aware of her history and abduction experiences and knows all the horrible things that have been done to her over the years. He can only imagine how easy it would have been for that fucking fucker to know everything about her, even to do something to her. He doesn’t want to think about it, either.

“I’m going to leave you two alone, okay? Please call me if there’s any news.” He walks over to her and squeezes her shoulder.

She briefly puts her hand over his. “Thank you, sir.”

He leaves the room and closes the door. He can’t help but glance through the window to watch them again, and his mind drifts to one of his last conversations with Mulder.

They’re sitting next to each other on the flight to Oregon. He knows they both know what he’s just seen. He has to ask, he has to.

“So… you and Agent Scully, huh?”

Mulder turns his head and looks at his boss. “I guess I can’t say no, after what you saw.”

Skinner grins, and faces forward. “I’m happy for you. She’s been through a lot, you both have.” He stares at the back of the seat in front of him. “I’m happy for you both.”

They are quiet a minute, only the loud hum of the plane in both their ears. Skinner has only one more question.

“How long…?”

“Not long enough,” Mulder answers without missing a beat.

Thanks for reading! See you back here tomorrow. Things will get better ( for a while, at least)

#txf #msr #msr fanfic #fanfiction #culmination #this is not happening #dr kosseff #poor scully needed to grieve

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fanfoolishness · 3 years

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Interview with a Fic Writer

Tagged by @novantinuum, thank you!

How many works do you have on AO3?

242 works. The actual fuck??? Wow, me. Of course, this does span about 9 years, so I guess that's not that insane?

What’s your total word count on AO3

549,737! But that averages out to only 2271 words per story, haha. You got me! I think I have less than 10 fics that have more than 1 chapter. I love one-shots, what can I say?

How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

Oh, you want to get into this? All right. We'll get into this:

The X-Files, proto-fandom, ur-fandom, first OTP ever... yeah, 15-year-old me went. WILD. Many horrible Mulder/Scully stories, and some Doggett/Scully and character study stories as well. Mostly not very good, but with occasional flashes of decent writing. Really had a difficult time writing romantic feelings between 30+ year-olds given a) I did not date in high school and b) was 17 and not an emotionally stunted FBI agent.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer - not a huge volume of stories, but definitely some very angsty Spuffy and Spike tales.

Harry Potter - just one published fic (Lupin grieving Sirius), and one with Snape and Harry having a heart to heart I could never quite get right.

Then came the dark times (vet school) where I was exhausted and hard at work for a few years and I thought, horribly, I might have outgrown fandom. Thank god for...

X-Men First Class and the undying love of Charles Xavier and Erik Lensherr! I'd never fallen for a slash ship before but my god I fell hard for this one and wrote my first fandom smut and my first real AU (mutants with zombies) that I never finished.

Then.... let's see...

Quantum Leap drabbles!

Two Avatar the Last Airbender fics!

Agents of SHIELD fics, mostly focused on Coulson and FitzSimmons, and super angsty.

Bioshock Infinite sads (god I love writing the sad bad dad)!

And then the juggernauts of Mass Effect (my longest fic to date with 30 chapters!) and Dragon Age, which were endlessly productive and are still productive given the variety of different protagonists you can create, different choices, and different relationships to canon characters. I'm still working on a Hawke/Varric fic in the back of my mind here.

There's one random Gravity Falls fic (wish I could have got a little more obsessed with it, or gotten into it while it aired) of Stan sads, and one tiny Avengers ficlet of a sad Tony and Peter.

There's one Wheel of Time fic! Dammit I wanted Rand and Tam to reunite so much sooner than they did.

40-odd Steven Universe fics! So many SU fics!

One random Schitt's Creek fic of David and Patrick!

And finally, The Mandalorian, with 47 fics. Phew!!!

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

1. The Invitation, The Mandalorian. Din Djarin finds himself in dreams that seem realer than real, reminding him of his loss, but he begins to find a sense of hope again. A promise is kept.

2. The Outstretched Hand, The Mandalorian. Din Djarin is a man of action, but sometimes, the quiet finds its way in. Din reckons with the aftermath of the events of Chapter 14, the Tragedy. (My very first Mando fic!)

3. Not the Sentimental Type, Steven Universe. Priyanka Maheswaran has long prided herself on keeping her emotions in check. But a mother's love can only grow, and sometimes it expands to people she never anticipated. Like the Universe boy.

4. Translation, The Mandalorian. Din Djarin was a man of few words, but many languages. Some might have thought the Child had no language at all. Din Djarin and the Child grow to understand each other.

5. Full Disclosure, Steven Universe. Just as the world begins to recover from Spinel's attack, Steven starts having nightmares. The more he ignores his fears, the worse they become, until he's left with no other choice but to ask for help. (My thoughts on what would drive Steven Universe Future, and I wasn't far off.)

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I really try to! Even sometimes years later if I realize I've missed some. I appreciate each and every one, and have definitely made friendships through comments <3

What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

Oh, hell... I'm too lazy to link these but if anyone wants to read them let me know or find them on my AO3!

A Stopped Clock from Bioshock Infinite has Booker DeWitt ravaged by Korsakoff's amnesia from his long-standing alcoholism. Is Columbia real or imagined? Hard to say.

The Viscount's Way shows Varric Tethras having become his parent, and a cruel, hard viscount of Kirkwall.

Songs in the Key of Red shows how Cullen fared under the dark future in Redcliffe in DAI, and they write happy endings, don't they? shows what happened to Varric. Both horribly depressing in different ways!

Two by Two, Hands of Blue shows a not unexpected end to lyrium addiction :( Poor Cullen, he got a lot of angsty developments, didn't he?

Do you write crossovers? If so, what’s the craziest thing you’ve ever written?

Never really got into crossovers or AUs. Just... meh for me!

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

No, I don't think so.

Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Charles/Erik, Shepard/Garrus, Shepard/Liara, Shepard/Tali, a mess of different f/f femShep drabbles, and most of my Dragon Age pairings have gotten sexytimes. On the other hand I helped start the NoRomo Mando tag for the Mandalorian to help find non-pairing Mandalorian content. Depends on the pairing and the fandom, for sure.

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Nope, thank goodness!

Have you ever had a fic translated?

I think so! There used to be a Spanish-language wiki linking to some of my old X-Files stories XD

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

No, but friends and I definitely will beta each others' things to help with sticky points.

What’s your all-time favorite ship?

ALL-TIME? Just, why? So many ships I loved in years past turned out to have pretty damn problematic elements I didn't see at the time, so it's hard to say... Mulder/Scully actually has a ton of issues, Buffy/Spike obviously has issues... so maybe Hawke/Varric (except not canon!) or Garrus/Shepard or Brosca/Alistair.

What’s a WIP you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

Still need to finish my Hawke/Varric fic for after Adamant! I have 3 chapters written that I haven't posted. Maybe posting them will help inspire me....

What are your writing strengths?

Dialogue and POV writing from different characters; I feel fantastic writing Steven and Greg, though totally at sea trying to write from Connie's POV, randomly. But I think my dialogue and emotional beats are what people tend to tune in for. When I do write romance, it's usually very sweet and silly and pulled from life. I also love writing nature scenes and settings to help establish mood. Mood and emotion and catharsis are my bread and butter, and I like my poetic prose.

What are your writing weaknesses?

What the hell is a long, well-thought-out plot? Like what even is that???? My longest fic with 30 chapters is basically "Shepard has PTSD and hangs out with her crew. They have some funerals." THAT'S IT. How the heck people actually come up with plot that ties into the lore of a fandom I genuinely have no idea and it's the biggest thing that's held me back from finishing original work. I can come up with a setting and characters and then trying to make them do stuff that's more than just talking to other characters and deepening their relationships with them... how the fuck???

I also definitely have 10-20 words that I am in constant danger of reusing like every other paragraph, LOL!

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

I don't speak any other languages so I always avoid it as much as possible. I've seen people describe sign differently in fics and picked one way to depict it that made sense to me for Grogu, but that's about it.

What was the first fandom you wrote for?

The X-Files, of course!

What’s your favorite fic you’ve ever written?

Towards Another Day, the tale of how Cullen went from being a templar in Kirkwall to commander of the Inquisition, is definitely up there.

Reverberations is one of my rare multi-chaptered fics and one of my favorite for the catharsis at the end. It makes me tear up every time. 5 times Din and Grogu encounter the Dark Side, and one time they find the Light.

Either a world for the birds (Steven develops a closer relationship with his Uncle Andy, learning birdwatching along the way) or on the subject of rocks (Steven and Jasper finally reach a peace) might take the prize for favorite SU fic.

Tagging (if you’re super bored and would like a fun thing to do) fellow writers:

@lastwordbeforetheend, @runrundoyourstuff, @honestlyhufflepuff, @art3mys, and @fake-starwars-fan if you would like to play!

#fandom #writing #on writing #fanfiction #damn look at me go #memes

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imothelimo · 6 years

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907 Caryl Hope

Boy oh boy, that episode did not disappoint!

Carol mentioned that Daryl “hadn’t fixed the boat since last time” shows that she’s definitely been to visit him (alone, wink wink) before.

The first thing that caught my eye was when Carol says, “you’ve been out here longer than I thought,” and Daryl’s response is, “how’s the King?” This implies that one of the reasons he’s living alone is because Carol married Ezekiel and the way its spat confirms (if we hadn’t already seen that 901 script) that Daryl is jealous.

His jealousy is further seen through his accusation that Carol wants him to “babysit her boy”. His self-worth is still so low that he can’t believe that she would ever visit him of her own accord. When she calmly insists “that’s not how it is”, Daryl is quick to ask “how is it?”

He needs to know her agenda. Why would she want him, a filthy redneck who just gets people killed, looking after her son?

Carol unites them again by calling Ezekiel a dreamer (I’m sorry, was this the quote reviewers thought showed how he was the love of her life? I’m confused) and she needs someone like Daryl, who’s a realist, guiding her son.

By saying this she is once again telling him that he’s her man of honor. She trusts him and out of everyone, she wants him to take care of her son.

Daryl considers this as he later opens up to Carol, as during that haircut he admits he’s still looking for Rick’s body and finds it easier to be alone. He’s still grieving, he’s still guilty, and Carol’s the only one he feels close enough to confess to.

And god, during that haircut did I get butterflies! She’s constantly watching and smiling at him, she can’t keep her hands off of him! It makes a stark contrast to her scenes with Ezekiel in 906, where he was the one to grab her hand, and when she woke up next to him she pretty much pushes him away!

When they’re eating, Carol just outright smiles longingly at Daryl and poor Henry’s so embarrassed he almost chokes on his food...

He sees how it is! I’m not offended by the “you’re Mom’s best friend” comment. Why should I be? He is her best friend. Henry didn’t say “you’re like her brother” (as the crackshippers heard). It doesn’t mean Caryl will never happen. So many OTPs throughout fandoms have been best friends before falling in love. Let me give you some examples: Chandler and Monica, Ron and Hermione, Mulder and Scully (I could go on).

Anyway, I loved the bonding between Daryl and Henry. This is part of the “advancement of a larger story” where Daryl will be taking on the “Daddy” role by watching out for Henry. I’d love to see these three as a proper family unit after Ezekiel dies! Aaron’s “you’ll make a great father” comments weren’t for nothing! ;)

Finally, can we talk about that awkward AF morning after? It’s like they totally just banged in the tent while Henry slept beside them. And look at how goddamn happy Carol is! Ahhh I can’t bear the cuteness. This is the most excited I’ve been about Caryl in a long time (and I’ve always been Ms. Positive)!

Friends, do not fear. 907 was everything I wanted and more. Caryl is coming, likely not till S10 but we will be seeing it soon. The writing’s already on the wall!

Much love and Caryl on. <3

#caryl #caryl positivity #caryl is endgame #caryl is coming #caryl speculation

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crossedbeams · 6 years

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ROSE REVIEWS… THE X-FILES - S1.E11 Eve

<<1.10 Fallen Angel ——————————— 1.12 Fire >>

I’m salty today and what better way than to transfer that into something positive than to finish this long overdue and almost certainly irrelevant recap of Eve. Read on for children who are almost as scary as their acting is bad, prison aesthetics and idiotic blithering by me.

THE PLOT

The fathers of creepy children are being exsanguinated on opposite coasts and Mulder wants to know the aliens have upgraded from cows. IVF suspicions run wild and with a little help from good old Deep Throat, the terrific two suspect genetic government experiments gone wrong may be responsible for the shenanigans. When the creepy kids go missing, things escalate and soda becomes a very dangerous refreshment...

Let’s go...

MY STREAM OF SEMI-CONSCIOUSNESS

Ah. The X-Files, the show that is always a scenic autumnal bath for my eyes…. And where under the leaves there is probably a dead person eaten by a molewoman or an alien. Honey? I’m home.

We find ourselves in an idyllic suburban neighbourhood, (always bad news on screen), where very concerned joggers approach an underdressed child and her stuffed animal. It’s hard at this stage to decipher whether the kid is creepy or just a really bad actor but the suspense synth hardly encourages us to give her the benefit of the doubt...

They head to the backyard, where peppy jogging neighbour fails to notice that the kid’s dad is dead coloured, posed like a corpse and basically, stereotypically and obviously dead... until he claps him jovially on the shoulder causing a tragicomic half slump of dead dad, and exposing vampiric looking marks. The kid screams, not sure why, she’s way too far away to see anything. This is the point at which I begin to suspect that she is both a bad actor AND entry #224 in the Vancouver local listing of Creepy Kids for Hire. Move over Conduit boy!

CREDITS!

This week we only wait 2.5 mins for our special baby Agents to materialise, Scully dressed as a Catholic grade schooler and Mulder wearing a tie designed, as far as I can tell, to look like mushroom soup with licorice allsorts floating in it.

Their poor fashion choices don’t seem to put them off them though, and we zigzag between lip biting (Mulder), making weird moany noises (Scully), and the level of inter office eye contact we’ve come to expect from these fluffy baby agents all set to a soundtrack of cattle mutilation chatter. And our series first (!) cow slideshow!

Scully is still naive enough to ask why Mulder believes cattle mutilation is linked to aliens. Give it a few weeks and you’ll realise that aliens is pretty much always the answer to “Why….” on the X-Files and that eyebrow is the only appropriate response before you just go with it.

I can’t wait :D

As Mulds and Sculls traverse some stairs, I realise that creepy kid #1 is called Teena. Spelled the same as Mulder’s mum. Because apparently the X-Files name bank isn’t only shallow in the male department. Also is Teena a normal spelling in the States? Here it’d only really be Tina….

I then get distracted by Scully in the biggest of purple coats. I’d love to see S1 Scully’s closet. A symphony of oversized pastels with overcoats to clash… don’t worry though hon. You’ll get some style later though for the bargain price of two (2) family members and also your ova. Poor Scully.

Scully also looks incredibly young in this scene, speaking all soft to the kid. Moments like this I struggle to believe that Mulder “never saw her as a mom” until Home. She’s all melty round the edges even though the kid is weird and creepy.

When creepy Teena starts talking about red lightning, the massively coached and unnatural pauses in dialogue and the trouble pronouncing exsanguination are just so glaring you can’t believe that this kid’s innocent charade will hold up as long as it does. But it all adds to the creep, just in time for…

**bring bring ** Scully leans in to kiss her spoopy partner tell Mulder there has been another murder. Darn. Seriously though. Close talkin to the power on uuuungghhh right here. No wonder this fandom is so thirsty.

We’re in Vancouver San Franciso, still in giant coats, for another exsanguination and what we now know is death by digitalis. Mulder says that the two estimated times of death were at the “exact same time” and I chuckle to myself like the pedant I am. Estimates cannot be exact dumdum. It also takes the edge off him mansplaining timezones to Scully. SHE IS A MEDICAL DOCTOR DAMMIT.

This scene has very nice warm, sunsetty lighting which is nice as our Spooksters demonstrate why the X-Files department is always over budget; they’ve flown cross country to do two laps of a crime scene while reading a file aloud and the kid they wanna question isn’t even in town. Where is she? I’m glad you asked, coz remember that sunny warmness? Well it’s over.

Back on the east coast, creepTeena is getting outcreeped by a thunderstorm and what appear to be disembodied footsteps at her door. We see nothing but a flash and then the door is open. It’s tense and I’m pretty sure this is never explained, raised as a concern beyond “she got abducted”?

A new day means new suits, Mulder in a tie inspired by parquet flooring and Scully in eggshell and pinstripes and a brown trenchcoat named regret. It’s a lot to process and they still don’t seem overly concerned about Teena’s kidnapping. Despite his post Samantha abduction PTSD, Mulder’s only contribution is a dramatic sky point and the suggestion the cops need to look up, but then dun dun dduuuuunh - there’s another one.

Sinister Cindy in the house. Literally.

She informs them she has lived there “since she was born eight years ago”. Zero inflection with that info and a sentence structure as unnatural as the phenomena Mulder wants to blame. Deffo a rent-a-creepykid. 100%. The woodenness only adds to it.

Commence super awkward kitchen convo where they Mulder and Scully try and fail to find a tactful way to imply Cindy might not be this grieving wife’s legitimate child. A birthing video is offered and declined. Thank god. Imagine is CHris Carter had to watch rushes of an actual woman’s vagina with a female child emerging.

Mrs Reardon’s insistence that Cindy was daddy’s girl is pretty horrifying once you know how it ends. Damn creepy kids. Listening in while watching politics, Cindy is infinitely creepier than Teena and I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not for this kid “actor”.

Back in the car and Mulder is still pretty blase about Teena’s abduction/kidnap, though I forgive him because his flippant potato/potahto is adorable and he does hang out in the bushes to try and protect Cindy from getting nabbed sending Scully off to the IVF clinic alone. Ahh... the foreshadowing is out there.

At the Luther Stapes Medical Centre, a doctor mansplains IVF to Scully. She does not punch him. Another way that she is better than me.She does however, maintain super intense eye contact with him for the entire walk and truly it is a miracle she doesn’t fall over.

The next scene is pretty uneventful except that I can honestly say that Sally Kendrick is the last human I would want toying with my cervix. She’s...robotic and it looks like she has to work out how to sit down like a human. She could give Theresa May lessons.

Back at the hotel there’s some funky camera panning that I am here for and also I think there is some dialogue but let’s be honest.... this is more important

Yes Professor I would like some extra credit and may I also just smooth your poofy hair.

Even Scully knows it. Hence her confusion at being ushered out, for no obvious reason. She just wants to look at him and maybe get inside his shirt and ... and... Mulder’s “what’s a girl” is cute.... but this is cuter. (even more overanalysing of this scene here for ya glasses lovers).

Instead of meeting a girl, Mulder meets Deep Throat in an excessively aesthetically pleasing place. Honestly, Eve is a beautiful episode. Despite the creepy kids and imprisoned women. (Eve Aesthetic here). DT seems very concerned that Scully not be invited and while I’m sure that this has some link to the possibility of spy!Scully, it reads more as jealous older manfriend wants pretty Mulder to himself. And honestly I get it. God, fic has ruined me. Anyway, enough of that, enjoy this picture of pensive waterside Mulder and try to recall the specifics of the Deep Throat reveal. Project Blah. Boys called Adam. Girls called Eve. Clones. Bad. Disaster. EVE-il is at work. ¬¬ (sorry)

Mulder has brought sunflower seeds because meeting an informant without snacks = rookie error.

The important thing to note is that Deep Throat basically sets the stage for the Super Soldier Arc and everyone forgets about it when they actually get to the super soldier arc. God, for a continuity pedant, my fave is SO problematic!

Deep Throat finishes by telling Mulder he’s scored him front row seats to what’s left of the whole fucked up thing.

Cut to the most aesthetic Institute for the criminally insane and after some hot DAMN camera angles we get panic buttons and a tromp into the deeps where they keep all the government created monsters, including Eve 6.

I just wanna take a moment away from my snark and give a huge shout out to Harriet Harris who is SO good and creepy in this episode. A lot of the Season 1 extras/bit parts are average to the extreme and honestly, Harris makes this episode. Without her eyeball biting, jerky, wild eyed delivery, this ep would be as mediocre as the creepy twin actresses.

Now we’ve got that out of the way - we find out that Eve 6 screams when the lights are on but is fine with an industrial sized flashlight being shone all up in her face. Nobody’s ever got a good look at her... except presumably the person who undoes her straitjacket so she can pee? And now Mulder and Scully.

Eve 6 is my fave Eve tbh. She’s this perfect mix of terrifying and pitiful, alludes to the telekinetic connection that the younger Eve twins later reference, and is the kind of proof of government misdeed that and older Mulder and Scully despair of, delivered while they’re way too young in their partnership to do anything about it. She tells them that Eves are into suicide, psychosis and murder, and on exiting, our baby agents still don’t suspect the kids.

(Break for actual analysis) It struck me during this scene how this case tunes into both Mulder and Scully’s demons. For Mulder, it’s the missing girls and the incarcerated Eve represents a scenario that could explain Samantha’s absence in the most horrifying ways. What if she is a locked up experiment just like Eve 6? For Scully it’s a visceral representation of her struggle between scientific duty and Christian morality. The creation of Eve 6 is an aberration against both good scientific practice AND the divine right of Good to control life and death... and yet she is also a victim who did not choose too be engineered and while Scully tries to question her, maintaining composure, this face/stress swallow really says it all.

Just to double the sucker punch we cut to Cindy asking the lord to take her soul, her mother looking on with a mournful doomladen stare before telling her daughter how special she is. Cindy is unmoved, because she is special(ly evil) and Mama Reardon leaves, bereft of her husband and unacknowledged by her kid. We get it Chris Carter. Genetic experimentation BAD, family GOOD, foreboding, CHECK.... now can we just-

Mulder Scully stakeout! There is no iced tea in the bag and when Mulder posits that the adult Eves 7 & 8 did done the murders, Scully pulls this face, and mutters without much conviction that she was beginning to suspect the girls.

GOOD CALL SCULLY

Except Mulder then says “no no and here is why” and Scully just goes with it. The whole delivery at set up of this scene feels very Season 1, by which I mean Scully vacillates wildly between submitting to Mulder’s experience and being done.with.his.shit, Mulder gets all the big lines/theories/feelings/hunches and Gillian especially (and David to a lesser degree) seem unsure how to play their nuances and dynamic. Essentially it all becomes irrelevant because CRISIS takes precedent but being the super-nerd I am, this stuff fascinates me as evidence of them still learning their characters. No way S5 Scully gives up on a plausible theory so easily, even if it makes 8-yos into suspects. If cats can be evil, these staring, soulless kids can be too.

Cue Mark Snow jangles and Cindy and her similar to Teena’s bunny rabbit run away from her terrifying wall dolls and many crucifixes towards the window where she makes terrifying eye contact with Scully’s binoculars before getting grabbed by someone who is considerate enough to announce themselves by��turning on the lights?!.

Mulder will take the back! (any time Mulder. Any way ¬¬ ) and sets off with his almost convincingly held gun/torch combo while Scully takes the indoors. This is, invariably, only going to go one way.

DOWN GOES SCULLY!

Sally Kendrick/Eve? leaps through the window where Mulder confronts her by asking her which Eve she is, allowing her a chance to pull a gun, shoot at him and escape and this is why you don’t want S1 Muldo and Sculls handling your home invasion. I mean who holds their gun like this, takes out a psychopath and ends the day without a hole in them?

Fox “Thinks he can outrun a car” Mulder is who.

I love his idiot face though.

Despite the fact that Cindy didn’t struggle/scream/react to her apparent kidnap at all, Scully’s remaining focussed on the adult Eves in support of Mulder’s dismissal of her earlier theory... well I already said it but - *sigh*

After Scully briefs the police and Mulder tries to reassurea distraught Mrs Reardon that her increasingly abnormal daughter will be found we get the kind of side by side, meaningful moment that I am here for all day long. Except that the height difference is so extreme that they never actually get Scully in focus!

And Scully’s “and then what” brings us back to unsettling truth that even if the kid gets found, things aren’t looking good for her given how much murder is in her genes. Poor Mrs Reardon.

Very X-Files, through-the-motel-sign shot and we see Sally Kendrick taking Cindy into motel to meet Teena. The girls look... creepy... and Kendrick looks weirdly and simplistically happy given that she has multiple abductees, severe genetic issues and the FBI on her back. Maybe poor old Sal just wants a normal life? Unlucky girl, this is the X-Files, no happy ending for anyone EVERR. Except possibly a two-faced rapist who likes Cher but that’s for another time.

Back to Sally Kendrick who is rocking a poloneck and showing a remarkable lack of nutritional concern for someone supposedly a genius. Pretty sure 8 cartons of fries are no better for psychotic murder-kids than regular ones. She begins to explain that she was pretty hopeful that she’s evolved the murdering out of her second batch of Eves but turns out she actually made it worse! Let’s pop a check in the box for “playing into popular concerns about genetic testing” and “reasons you shouldn’t do it yourself”. She tells Cindy and Teena she’s “disappointed” that they’ve done murders ahead of the curve. They are not bothered which is unsurprising given they don’t know her/are psychopaths.

Aesthetically this scene is very pleasing and the lack of stilted kid dialogue “we just knew” vs. long sentences definitely adds to tension. As does the total lack of background music. Hearing even these fairly limited actors candidly and remorselessly admit to murder is effective. And Kendrick’s slightly desperate plea that they not think that way, that they be “better” as she designed has the double effect of showing her own Eve-y instability and her very human desire to not have made a horrible mistake in creating this terrifying she-devils.

Sorry Sal.

Genetic destiny’s a bitch

And the X-Files narrative demands that when you play god you get dead. unless you’re the CSM in which case you probably drink digitalis and kale for breakfast to aid skin regrowth. Bye bye Sally Kendrick. Thanks for the creepers.

On attending the crime scene, Mulder and Scully are midway through being told that the scene is undisturbed when they hear stuff breaking. This prompts some X-Files-Action-MagicTM and some truly outrageous faces by Gillian.

Yup

What is most disturbing on rewatching is that with the scene secured, Scully confirms death and Mulder goes to gaze out the window while the Creeper twins cower and cry on the floor. Noe we know they’re guilty AF by this point, but in the narrative DumbScull and MulderingItOver haven’t quite got there because they’ve been too busy gazing at each other so we have two children just whimpering in the corner while Scully pokes a corpse and Mulder mulders about.

Scully does eventually go and pat them. And again I say fuck you CC and anyone else who “didn’t see her as a mother”.

Mulder volunteers to chaperone the creepsters to hospital and beyond and the guy in charge kinda just goes “meh”. Pretty sure some liberties have been taken with child service procedures but hey, at least this means we’re almost at the crescendo moment. Right?

Having loaded them into the car, where their spiffy red outfits match the velour upholstery and promised they’ll talk about “what happens next” (again, is this really FBI jurisdiction? Fox Mulder counselling bereaved kids seems like a HORRIBLE plan to me) , Scully and Mulder note the girls attachment and somehow miss the horrifying expressions of murder on their creepy little faces.

Again though #aesthetic

Cue some spangly night driving music, Mulder looking all pops over a red vinyl steering wheel, Scully playing mom and the creepsters plotting murder in the back. Ver ver X-Files. They pull up to a used car lot masquerading as a rest stop and go for a group wee,Mulder makes the rookie error of a) hyping evil kids with sugar and b) letting them order a murder weapon, and as soon as Scully’s distracted, one of the creepsters, possibly Sinister Cindy creeps out to spike the drinks.

Now at this point, honestly, I’m questioning the kids narrative motives. Yes they’re murderous, but aren’t they also meant to be hyper intelligent? Amd getting marooned at a nowhere rest stop, with the corpses of two FBI agents seems SUPER dumb. Like they’re a bit small and loudly dressed to hitch a ride to Vegas and make it on the strip. What gives, creepsters?

The waitress tries to stop her plan by insisting she wait to take the soda until it’s paid for, but is way too easily placated by the kids excuse. Stick to your guns lady, you might just stop a murder.

Although apparently nobody is paying any attention because THIS ISN’T SUSPICIOUS AT ALL IS IT?

Apparently Mulder doesn’t think so, even knowing digitalis is sweet and that there is something weird afoot, he doesn’t question his super sweet diet drink or the kids totally normal and not at all weirdly resistant to drinking sugar free soda and just does this. Seriously it’s like he wants to die in agony.

Scully’s not much better, simply commenting on the “syrupy” taste. MMhmm. Bitch. You’re a medical doctor with a previously voiced suspicion. Quit sipping the murder juice.

Fortunately, after some suspenseful drawn out paying and a forgotten key excuse, Mulder FINALLY twigs when he finds some green goop on the table. Apparently murderTwin is cackhanded when she pours and Mulder, having licked the poison just to check it’s murdery enough (I just cant even) rushes outside to karate chop Scully’s drink away from her in a way so unsubtle that the creepers escape.

Which is actually great news because it gives us all the chance for a nice dark, X-Files bread and butter cat and mouse around a truckstop, cool lighting and tubey-arty stuff sequence. Which I’m here for.

Despite some pants ruining puddles, the twins are quickly apprehended except for some gun wielding truckers interfere because in this universe regular citizens can hold law enforcement at gunpoint and prevent them doing their job/identifying themselves and anyway everyone almost gets shot and the kids run off again. I should probably insert some pithy political point here about arming the kids too but I’ve been writing this review for 84 years and I don’t have the energy.

Fortunately, at this point Mulder and Scully rediscover some investigative nous and having flashed an ID and truckboy, they trick Sinister and Creepy into thinking they’ve sped off after a school bus. Mulder goes full on child catcher and nabs them with a “gotcha” and is finally deaf to their “we’re just little girls” plea.

I’d like to take a second to flag up his response “that’s the last thing you are” because he’s wrong too. They are little girls, as well as psychopaths, and everyone’s insistence that they must be one thing or another is a device for narrative obfuscation as old as the bible. The appearance of beauty/youth/innocence is not mutually exclusive of the presence of malign intent or evil. Just ask Henry James/Oscar Wilde. Or me. I literally wrote a dissertation on this so. Yeah. They can be little girls and killers Mulder. Don’t be reductive.

But I guess we do need the simplicity of “this kid is evil” otherwise Mrs Reardon ripping her daughter out of a picture and burning it would be more conflicting and we’re only on season 1.

Likewise the disturbing concept of two eight year olds in a secure prison. I mean yes thy’re creepy but - duh duh dunnnnh - rescue is at hand! Eve 8 shows up for them and once again thy “just knew”. This is the kind of X-Files ending I love. This is the kidn of story I would have loved the revivals to pick up. Imagine (recast) grown Cindy and Teena, off doing murdery clone stuff. Yep. Okay. I’m done now. This is the end.

Except the score. Which is...

A solid “C” Grade (26/50)

Plot 6/10 - It’s entertaining and a good idea but I penalised it because it depends on Mulder and Scully being super slow on the uptake. That said, they do actually solve the case.

Mulder 6/10 - Mulder is in charge (thanks S1) and presents a mess of grieving brother, heroic car catcher and good cop. Good, in character stuff but not exceptional.

Scully 4/10 - Scully seems to forget she’d an MD and a badass here. She lets Mulder talk her out of (correct) suspicions, gets taken down in the action scene and generally second fiddles. She’s a cute mom but not the Scully we want to see.

USP 3/5 - This was an ambitious idea, beautifully presented, and while it didn’t quite get the polish to make it iconic it is memorable, creepy and a good representation of S1 bread and butter eps.

Other Characters 5/10 - These points are all for Harriet Harris. None for you creeper twins. None for you.

Bonus points 2/10 - One for being aesthetically pleasing. One for the dorky, cute, feeling out Mulder/Scully moments (motel urnghh) and also their mom and pop act at the rest stop.

That’s all for now folks. I’ll probably have the next one done this decade. Fire. Goodie.

<< 1.10 Fallen Angel ——————————— 1.12 Fire >>

#The X-Files #msr #Eve #txf #txf:1x11 #txf eve #txf s1 #rose reviews #rosereviewstxf #txf recaps #silliness #my gifs #RoseReviewTXF

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