Part of me is always right here

webb built his machine in 1886; pararibulitis has run in the brotzman family for 5 generations, and a generation is anywhere between 20 and 30 years, and 5 generations is between 100 and 150 years, which means 1886 fits into the time period of "5 generations ago from 2016". and i'm not saying i'm certain that webb fucking around with the time-space continuum somehow caused pararibulitis, but — who knows?

random thought while i’m rewatching dghda for maybe the 37th time: todd says that pararibulitis has been in his family for 5 generations. i doubt, considering the details in this show, that that’s a random number. so why 5 generations? what was going on holistically when the first brotzman got pararibulitis? my first thoughts were blackwing or francis related but those are both too recent events to fit 5 generations. so. the first holistics being born? the backstage of the universe activating somehow? what is it?

something in dghda i noticed (especially in s2) is that when dirks clearly upset todd comforts him but not with physical means

One day I'll coherently write down all of my ideas around my schizophrenic Todd au instead of just rambling about the same 3 points to my gf whenever I think too hard about it

she’s radiant she’s smart she shoots lightning from her fingertips she’s wonderful she’s a leaf on the stream of creation she has vampire boyfriends and a one-woman militia on speed-dial she has pararibulitis she is the moment I love her I only want nice things for her

[ID: Digital art of Amanda Brotzman in side profile. She is drawn in bust in her season 2 appearance. Behind her head is a series of blue concentric circles. The background is grey. /end ID]

So I recently finished watch Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency and I’m still trying to formulate my opinions on specifically pararibulitis as someone who has tactile hallucinations.

So if you’ve never seen the show you uh you should it’s just a gay little romp (they were gonna make more characters canonically gay but then the show got canceled RIP) but one of the characters, Amanda, has a fictional disease called pararibulitis. This disease makes it so she has extremely vivid painful hallucinations where, for example, breathing can feel like drowning or snow can feel like frostbite.

And the first time I saw it I went “!!! That’s me!!!” Because I have vivid, extremely painful hallucinations. Most of the time my hallucinations are just hands all over my body, and I’ve had those for about 10 years now, but more recently (within the past 5 years) I’ve started to get hallucinations in the morning that are continuations of nightmares I have most nights. If my kneecaps are shattered in my dream, when I wake up I can still feel them broken and I physically won’t be able to walk for awhile. I have a few others that aren’t connected to nightmares, but this was one of very very very few times I’ve actually seen anyone, fictional or real, have my same hallucinations.

But the problem is um. They invented a fake disease for that.

The second season it’s much harder to look at pararibulitis through a schizophrenic lens because things surrounding the disease get more complicated but the entire first season where she can’t work because of it and is scared to go out and there are no medications for her just hit so so close to home and that’s really really nice. Once the second season hits it does make more sense for it to be a fictional disease but I kinda wish they had just made Amanda schizophrenic because we don’t get good media representation as schizos. We get murderers and criminals and characters the narrative doesn’t treat as human but rather as monsters and here is a main character who is sympathetic as hell having schizophrenic experiences that most people won’t connect to schizophrenia because most people don’t realize schizos can have tactile hallucinations and the narrative gives her a fake disease instead of using a real one.

I dunno I still haven’t really decided how I feel about it yet.

okay random thought but the whole idea of pararibulitis is such good whump material. like it allows you to let your character get stabbed and shit without having any lasting effects (who needs hospital recovery am i right??). and theres so much comfort potential too, instead of having drawn out recovery scenes (again, hospitals) you can just have some lovely cuddling.

interpretations of pararibulitis, in particular as it pertains to todd brotzman:

karmic punishment. first things first, get what you deserve. this is how todd sees it, as his just desserts for lying to his family and screwing over everyone in his life for so long. you scam your parents by pretending to have a neurological condition that runs in the family? well here you go, now you have that neurological condition. this is also how dirk sees it, as just another instance of bad things befalling the people who cross his path. dirk involved him in a case, todd chose to help dirk, and in return the universe has punished him for that because everywhere dirk goes disaster follows and people get hurt.

it just is what it is. just because the relationship between cause and effect is often much more subtle than we might first imagine, doesn’t mean nothing has simple direct consequences. in the course of the spring case todd got electrocuted multiple times over a couple of days: it’s possible that this repeated injury is what triggered the condition in todd’s nervous system. sometimes things just happen and we have to live with that. fate and chance don't cancel each other out.

consequence of becoming involved in a holistic case- as well as continuing to choose to be involved in holisticism, unlike perhaps other people in dirk’s previous cases. todd was integrally connected to the spring case, but if he wants to continue being useful during other cases well, he’d better develop some more outright holistic skills! we know pararibulitis has /something/ to do with the universe (the rowdy three can feed off attacks like on holistic people, amanda has visions and access to magic when in a place made by francis) and if the purpose of people like dirk and bart and francis and mona and amanda is to ‘fix a broken universe’ then maybe pararibulitis has something to do with that. maybe without todd experiencing an attack that connected him to his sister in wendimoor, they wouldn’t have found the key piece of information or motivation needed to find her and find wendimoor at the right time. maybe without amanda being able to draw on todd’s pararibulitis attack, there wouldn’t have been enough power for her to keep the portal to blackwing open and allow dirk to find the boy and solve the case. in this way pararibulitis and the people who have it are just another tool of the universe to make sure everything is in the right place and in the right order.

pararibulitis observation:

the disease flare-ups in both of the brotzman siblings are stress-triggered, but it's sensory-heavy for amanda and emotion-heavy for todd. cases in point,

amanda:

freezes when she goes out on the street;

hurts her hand when she drums;

bursts into flames in a loud & bright store, despite feeling proud of herself for leaving the house;

todd:

gets a burn on his hand in which he held the phone when panicked amanda called him;

chokes when farah leaves him alone and he ends up running into police (while on the run from the government).

though, despite the difference, there's a similarity in that both cases somewhat represent the idea that "what you fear most in yourself, will hurt you (so let go of the fear)":

— amanda knows she's got the disease, so she stays holed up indoors despite hating the boredom, so even mild sensory distortions send her careening.

— todd believes his feelings are not worth examining, so he doesn't, and they boil under until they boil over.

advice for amanda: live your life, even if it's dangerous.

advice for todd: be honest, even if it's inconvenient.

category five dghda meta post incoming:

I'm obsessed with the kitten-shark being a metaphor for todd's character in that things aren't always what they seem on the surface, but in a bad way.

the first time we see the kitten, it's presented to the audience as just a regular kitten who just happens to find itself at a crime scene (presumably) by no fault of its own. it's just a kitten, right? and from there, we immediately cut to todd in his apartment (if we ignore the main title sequence, which I am because it doesn't drive the narrative).

todd is presented to us in the narrative as this normal, everyday guy who's life is falling apart, and you should feel bad for him because he's just some guy. he doesn't deserve this right? but no, because he's actually made some terrible, horrible decisions.

and what happens in the scene right before todd finally confesses to dirk that he faked pararibulitis for his parent's money? the kitten is revealed to have had a shark soul in it the entire time. this seemingly harmless, normal animal is actually a deadly creature-- the murder weapon, a predator.

but that doesn't necessarily make either of them inherently bad? the kitten shark isn't irredeemable because it killed patrick spring and a lot of other people. and todd isn't doomed to just be an asshole for the rest of his life, because he's capable of change.

yknow im surprised there arent more fics with lydia and amanda

Lately, I've delved into the series Dirk Gently (a show I wholeheartedly recommend). Within its episodes, there exists a fascinating fictional ailment known as Pararibulitis, a nerve disorder that induces excruciating hallucinations, so vividly real to those afflicted. Surprisingly, this concept seems underutilized in fanfiction, sparking the gears of my creative writer's mind. And thus, here's what emerged from its depths.

Throughout Jaskier's formative years, he was incessantly reminded of an affliction that plagued him—a condition that caused vivid hallucinations, so tangible and lifelike in his perception. As a result, Jaskier's parents became overly cautious and overprotective, their concern suffocating him as time passed. Feeling trapped by their well-meaning yet stifling sheltering, Jaskier ultimately resolved to escape his confined existence and embark on a journey as a wandering bard.

As Jaskier embarks on his travels alongside Geralt, he endeavors to conceal his affliction, a challenging task when unpredictable attacks can strike at any moment. One fateful day, as their campsite serves as the backdrop, Jaskier finds himself ensnared in an attack where a gust of wind transforms into a swarm of buzzing bees. Overwhelmed and distressed, Jaskier's screams fill the air, leaving Geralt desperate to find a way to soothe the bard or, at the very least, cease his agonized cries. In a moment of quick thinking, Geralt employs the power of Axii, casting it upon Jaskier, gently coaxing him into a peaceful slumber.

Upon awakening, Jaskier realizes the need to disclose the details of his condition to Geralt. However, to his astonishment, Geralt reassures Jaskier that he isn't sick, as the witcher's keen senses would have detected any ailment by scent alone. Instead, after witnessing Jaskier's distressing episode, Geralt discerned a different essence in the air. Rather than the odor of illness, he detected the unmistakable presence of magic lingering in the aftermath of the bard's attack

Jaskier, attempting to counter Geralt's assertion, insists that he lacks any trace of magic within him. However, Geralt counters, suggesting that Jaskier's true nature may be that of a magical being rather than a human mage. Intrigued by this possibility, they embark on a shared journey to unravel the mystery of Jaskier's identity. Their path is far from smooth, marked by numerous highs and lows, including a heartbreaking separation atop a treacherous mountain.

Eventually, fate leads them to Kaer Morhen, where a pivotal moment unfolds. Jaskier falls victim to a vicious attack as he consumes food tainted with maggots attempting to burrow into his flesh. To his astonishment, he discovers that everyone else present can see the vile creatures as well. The revelation of Jaskier's true nature appears imminent, as the secrets of his existence are on the verge of being unveiled

It is revealed that Jaskier is, in fact, a changeling, and his seemingly debilitating attacks are manifestations of his untamed magic. As a Fae, Jaskier possesses the extraordinary ability to manipulate nature according to his desires. However, being a changeling, he has long been unaware of his true potential and lacked control over his powers.

Recalling his earliest attack, Jaskier vividly remembers feeling overwhelmed and frightened, while his mother, aware of his true nature, attempted to reassure him that the illusions he witnessed were not real. It becomes apparent that Jaskier's parents swiftly discovered the switch between their child and the changeling but, despite this revelation, they continued to deeply care for Juilan (Jaskier) and decided to keep his true identity a secret. To shield Jaskier and prevent anyone, including Jaskier himself, from uncovering the truth about his fae lineage, they chose to fabricate an illness as a cover-up, preserving the façade of normalcy

As the truth about Jaskier's fabricated life sinks in, a whirlwind of emotions engulfs him, leaving him unsure of how to process the revelation. However, Geralt steps forward, extending a heartfelt promise that shatters Jaskier's doubts. Assuring him that he has never been a lie, Geralt's words embrace Jaskier with a newfound sense of comfort and acceptance.

With this reassurance, Jaskier resolves to embrace his true identity and seeks to master his extraordinary powers. Determined to gain control over his abilities, he sets forth on a journey of self-discovery and growth. In a touching display of unwavering support, Geralt pledges to stand by Jaskier's

developing a theory that todd gets pararibulitis in part because he got electrocuted about 7 times in 4 days. mostly over the course of like 3 hours.

tw for mentions of scars, and implied abuse. also, vague spoilers for s1 and 2 of dirk gently's holistic detective agency. "what's on your neck?" it was a hot, sticky day, and both dirk and todd were lounging on the couches in dirk's apartment. a small fan was running on the coffee table, providing insufficient relief even as the barely lukewarm air hit their bare arms. todd had all but stripped his shirt off, a damp undershirt sticking to his chest. dirk, on the other hand, had given up. his shirt was hanging over the back of the couch, a bag of peas from the freezer resting on his collarbone. "what's on your neck?" todd had glanced up lazily, lidded eyes focusing on a thin, pale line along dirk's neck. he'd never noticed it before, probably because it sat so low on dirk's throat that it was constantly covered by the collar of his shirt. todd waited for an answer, but one never came. it took dirk a whole minute to register what todd had asked, and then another minute to come up with a response, by which time todd had yet again asked. "dirk, what's that on your neck?" this time, dirk was ready. he sat up a bit, faced todd and responded with, "what're you talking about, todd?" he never said it was a good answer. todd didn't seem satisfied with the reponse (after all, it was a pretty basic attempt to dodge the question), and instead reached over. his fingers barely ghosted over the scar, but it was enough to remind dirk of its existence. "i mean this, dirk. what's this?" well, there was no avoiding it now. dirk took a deep breath, avoiding todd's questioning gaze as he struggled to answer such an innocent query. finally, he decided to hell with it. "it's a scar. from blackwing. a, uhm, blood sample. if i recall correctly." this one was a half truth. it wasn't from a blood sample. of course he remembered, how could he not? how could he forget the feeling of the blade against his throat, of his desperate attempts to convince the nameless scientist that he didn't know how to make his powers work? there was an uncomfortable silence between the two of them as dirk waited anxiously for todd's reaction, and todd struggled to decide how to react. todd finally piped up, shifting his weight and propping himself up as he was level with dirk. "i have one on my chest. from suzie boreton. and one on my leg. fell and cut myself during a pararibulitis attack." he pointed to the exposed calf to emphasize his point. dirk wasn't quite sure how to respond, so he didn't for a while. he just laid back down, relaxing and sighing. another silence passed before dirk broke it. "that's nice, todd, but i have one from where i got stabbed. with an electricity crossbow. so, i think i win." the apartment was filled with todd's laugh, and dirk smiled, closing his eyes and letting himself laugh too.