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lollytea · 1 month

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Up until a month back I liked a guy. And I really liked him. But I found out he didn't like me back. I was really upset, but I didn't want to hold it against him, but then I found out he had a reputation of being a player (which, at our age of 14 is flirtatiously texting girls and then just. Ghosting them).

And I felt really upset. I began to question if he even saw me as a friend, and whether the way he texted me was even friendly. What if he secretly loathed me and was just doing this to get a kick out of it? What if he knew about my feelings and they were just a joke to him?

I wanted to cry, but I told my friends and my sister I was okay. But I wanted to scream. Its not my fault I was born ugly. It's not my fault my face makes me unlovable. And even though I wanted to distance myself from him I felt some sort of perverse pleasure every time he did something embarrassing in front of every one.) And that's when I think it hit me.

That's why I'm unlovable. I am unlovable because I'm a terrible person. My friends tried to comfort me saying that he's a shitty person who can't see my beauty/cuteness, but friends are obligated to say that. I wanted to believe them because they're all so beautiful, and they would never lie to me because they love me. But they deserve a better friend than me.

I want to cry because I want to experience having a whirlwind romance, and falling in love. I also know I'll probably never have that.

And AGH I feel so upset. Because all my life I've known I was ugly. But when this guy showed me attention, was nice to me, it made me feel special. Made me feel like I was having my own romance.

I hate it I hate it I hate it. I hate that I can't be loved, I hate my face, I hate myself for feeling these things. Last year when I suspected I began liking him, I told myself not to fall too deep, and here I am, ranting to you on tumblr dot com.

Lollytea, I love your writing and I love your posts. I love how confident you are of yourself. I'm very sorry for ranting in your inbox about my shitty love life, if this makes you uncomfortable, please delete it. But if you don't, I genuinely would like some encouragement. That my time for my own romance will come. That I will learn to love this face.

You're not unlovable. You're just 14. It just happens that being 14 feels a lot like being chronically unlovable. But no, that is not actually the case.

Maybe you've heard this a lot. And I imagine that it must be frustrating to listen to. That being a teenager just means your emotions are bigger and more intense than they will ever be in your entire life, so they're irrational and silly.

That's not the case either. Your feelings matter. And they're worth being listened to. But I do need you to keep in mind that the age range you're in right now is one of the most difficult periods of time that a human being will ever go through. Being a teenager is very hard. Being an adult is hard too. But me and every adult I've ever met would not trade it for being 14 again. No way in hell.

It does severely influence how you see yourself and why your emotions feel so strong and messy and all over the place. But I assure you that you're doing a fantastic job for a person in your situation. It's rough and you're getting through it and I'm proud of you.

Firstly, I'm going to say this quite bluntly but dont take it as me insulting them. Most of the boys in your class probably aren't that smart. And they are the absolute worst people to be seeking validation from. I promise that their opinion of you is not worth worrying about because they are...stupid, frankly. They won't be stupid forever. Probably. But being 14 is a weird age for boys too and they're quite mean for a while before they mature and chill tf out. Please try not to let it get to you if one of them doesn't like you romantically. I promise you it is not remotely a big deal. None of them have any idea how to be good boyfriends yet anyway.

No, you're not unlovable for occasionally having spiteful little thoughts about somebody who was mean to you. Everybody has those every once in a while. As long as you maintain some self-awareness and don't let cruelty consume your whole brain, having a few mean thoughts doesn't make you a terrible person. What WOULD make you a terrible person is external terrible behaviour. It's your actions that matter. So just be kind, alright? Be kind to your friends. Ignore the people you don't like but be civil. Don't hurt anyone. If you stick to all of this, you're golden. Considering that you already seem so self-critical of being a bit bitchy inside your own head, I think that's a promising sign than you won't do anything worse than that. I hope so anyway. Be kind, that's all you can do. Your friends love you. If you put your all into loving them in return, then you can have something so special.

You're not ugly, you're 14. Sorry, I'm getting a bit repetitive but I think it's relevant information to this whole situation. At the age you're at, your face is probably in this weird transitional period between child and adult so maybe that's why it might look "uglier" than usual to you. It might last a few more years but it won't look like that forever. I assure you that your face is beautiful because it's doing exactly what it's supposed to do. It's alright if you've felt ugly your whole life. The way you look at your own face is way more personal than the way you look at other people's faces. We don't really notice the flaws on others the way we notice our own. We're wired weird like that.

All I can say is hang tight. If you don't like your face then please try not to let it upset you that much. Your face hasn't fully developed yet. For the time being, you look exactly the way you're supposed to look and you're perfect. Let's see how it looks in a few years before we make any rash decisions about it being as ugly as you think it is.

Don't be hasty in the belief that you'll never find love and romance. I assure you that the age you're at is the absolute worst time to get a boyfriend and its perfectly okay if you don't experience it for another while. It's normal. You're fine. It's okay.

I know you want it. I know it sounds nice. And I promise that if its important to you, once you're older and the people you're interested in are a little smarter, you will have it.

I'm serious when I say that for the time being, focus on being a good friend. Focus on school. Focus on your own physical and mental health. Focus on your hobbies. Being wanted by 14 year old boys won't mean shit in the long run.

Things will be okay. You talk so much about how you'll be alone for the rest of your life. But your life has only just begun and you hardly know who you are yet. It's impossible to tell what will happen in the coming years. I promise that you'll be okay.

I know you came for me for reassurance but from that last paragraphs, I'm sure you're already smart enough to know the things I've told you. But I imagine that you just needed a second opinion. Take care, love.

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estrophore · 10 months

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Signalis Post (barely coherent thought vomit)

So I finished signalis on Monday and i think ive just about recovered enough for me to make a gush post about it on tumblr dot com, which i think i have to do cause i dont think any other game has really hit me as hard as this one. Spoilers obvs.

Being pre-transion, with that associated depression and closing off from oneself, ive always found it difficult to get out my feelings, even in private with just myself, and yet signalis has filled me throughout with its beautiful romantic melancholy and left me genuinely sobbing for the gay robot and her space girlfriend (almost worried that if id played this game on estrogen it might actually have just killed me on the spot). the only other times i can think of where i really cried were playing We Know The Devil near the beginning of the year, which really fkin hit the part of me that struggles to accept myself, and that time i rewatched the last episode of she-ra after reading the ‘Word War Etheria’ fanfic, which brings the characters so much more to life i fell for them all over again.

Signalis is a game that calls back to a lot of classic horror like resident evil and silent hill, which i havent got round to playing any of yet, but i think nostalgia works both ways sometimes and i’ll be playing them sooner now. sometimes horror gets stereotyped as all death and violence, some games fill themselves with skulls and corpses, and big ugly monsters and basically shout ‘DEATH!’ in your face repeatedly and it all just comes off as a bit garish and ridiculous and not actually very scary really. Signalis sits at the other end of that scale (with some of my other fav horror games like soma, cry of fear) where its environs are most usually just… quiet. Still. Muffled. Sad. just as often as theres tension or creeping fear because of this i find theres a strange kind of comfort too. Maybe its just that in most other genres of games theres so much of music, UI elements, pickups and interactibles with vibrant design. Here, theres room for your mind to just occupy the space. A soft fog. A dimly lit room. An empty train. Snow out a window. Liminal spaces that dont expect anything from you.

Signalis is a game thats just simply, unapologetically gay, and i dont think i would have been quite so invested in Elster and Ariane’s relationship if they were a straight couple. Its why representation is important, if art’s way for us to explore our emotions then its important to have media that we can relate to. Even Adler’s role isnt typically masculine. Our replika characters are manufactured, designed for certain roles in the base. Notes from the tough Stars and Storchs in the shooting range, the dollish Eules with the fairy lights and music player in the dorm. I couldnt help but think of groups of Eules sat around chatting, together, and im yearning for that feeling of togetherness, of understanding a friend that closely. I somehow missed the couple in the mineshaft (next playthough, ill find you v_v ). Despite the harshness of life in the Eusan nation (especially for the gestalts) the characters in it are defined by their feelings of belonging and hope. With the obvious parallels to east germany, i think of posters of cosmonauts and space travel from the time. Propaganda, sure but also made with the genuine belief in something greater. When the events of the game take this away, well, we find the last Kolibri, whod rather lose herself than lose her [ah. Im not sure theres a word here to properly describe the relationship they embody]. Its a game defined by loneliness.

We dont lie up at night scared by some corrupted android. We arent stuck with horror at the flesh everywhere, not on its own. We lie awake thinking about Elster and Ariane’s love for each other, the horror of their decline, the futility of trying to hold on forever. Its existential horror done perfectly. It shows an ending postponed and stretched far beyond its limits, and so squarely reminds you that you do, in fact, have to die one day. You’ll break down. One day you’ll say your last words to the people you love and you wont even know you have. Ariane’s final few diaries arrive with the full force of the narrative behind it, like a spear through my heart. For the record, I got the promise ending. Im still sad. It's a game about raging desperately against an unfair ending. I might think about this game for the rest of my life. I would sincerely say its an artistic masterpiece, by the sure definition of video games as art.

I like that the story leaves a lot open and abstract. I think it makes the emotional themes takes centre stage more. And i havent had nearly enough time to sift through it and come up with my own takes, we’ll need a few more playthroughs for that. And theres so much more to say that cant go in just these few paragraphs! Signalis is a game about two girls who had to run away from everything to find someone they belonged with. The universe may be cold and bleak, but you have to try, you might just find something beautiful, even if it doesnt last forever. I think if anything, we should all have the chance to find love and happiness like that, and we shouldnt have abandon a world that doesnt work for us to do it.

#signalis #lgbt #lesbian #long ass emotional ramble post #fuck im nearly crying again #horror #liminal #signalis spoilers #elster #ariane yeong

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jeork · 9 days

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TC Tag Game

As always I’m excessively late to the party, but thanks @renaultphile for the tag!

1. "He would not fucking say that" only they did and it's canon. When/who?

I don’t have a copy of the book at hand right now, but while Laurie is visiting home for the wedding he goes on a walk and recites this weird incest-y song to himself, then contemplates how it always felt relatable to him. I’m not saying he would not fucking say that, because obviously he does and I hear him quite clearly. But I am saying maybe he should not have fucking said that.

Also Ralph calling Bunny “Boo”. I don’t care how drunk he was, you don’t randomly slip out with a word you wouldn’t otherwise use. It’s part of his vocabulary. This one had me in contemplation for months, like, would he ever call Laurie that? Does this count towards the bad habits and lifestyle choices he wants to abandon while being with Laurie? Whole scene’s just embarrassing af

2. Did they kiss in the study? Yes/no + why you are 100% correct about this.

I think they probably did, but that it was very chaste. I’m convinced the kiss between Laurie and Andrew is supposed to mirror it almost exactly. The way I see it, Laurie didn’t fully process it and therefore just stood there. From the flashback he got later on while holding onto Ralph’s sleeve while they’re in Ralph's room I think Laurie might’ve grabbed onto Ralph’s arm a little. But other than that I don’t think he did much, which made Ralph decide he wasn’t ready yet.

3. Mandatory question about Ralph's alleged tattoos.

I wasn’t aware this is something people discuss lmao, I’ve only thought about it once myself. Gonna be a party pooper and say he has none, as it's "improper"

4. 53 vs 59 edition: quote a line or paragraph that is better in the edition you like the least.

I feel like me and @renaultphile are the only ‘59 truthers. I think I once even wrote an entire post just on why I like that Mary cut the knee-touch?

Again, don’t have any book copies at hand right now, but I remember one small detail in the ‘53 I really loved. During Alec’s birthday party while he’s blowing out the candles everyone is looking at him, and for a moment there’s this shared feeling of hopefulness. In the ‘53 Laurie feels someone’s eyes on him, but by the time he turns around Ralph has already stopped looking. Something about Ralph glancing at Laurie in this moment, who’s presence represents so much to Ralph, makes me ache.

5. Which TC character would feel right at home here on tumblr dot com?

I guess the obvious answers would be something like Hazell, Sandy or Bunny, but I feel like Andrew would run the most terrifically angsty aesthetic account. Also young Laurie, he'd probably write bad poetry or something

6. Tag yourself at Alec's birthday party.

The two guys holding hands in dead silence, not because I can relate, but because they really set the scene. Or the petty shit-stirrer who snitches on Ralph having a boyfriend. Or the other petty shit-stirrer who cries "Here comes Bim"

7. Post a TC meme.

I used to run a TC meme account over on Twitter. I’ve planned on reposting all of that stuff on here sometime, in the meantime here’s one:

8. Easy to talk about who deserved better. Who deserved worse?

Dave. The Mature Wholesome Elder act he’s putting on at the end is pissing me off. Self-serving cu-

Also, following the heavy implications that Alec had been snuggling it up with Bunny for quite a while, I think he got off pretty scot free

9. You can break the fourth wall (at any point in the novel) and say a single sentence to our protagonist, Laurie Odell. What do you say?

I really wanted him to stay friends with Reg. I always felt like Madge’s Aunt Vera joke was pretty funny and well intended, albeit improper and terribly timed. It didn’t come off to me as her making fun of him for being gay. More like her trying to awkwardly bond over it, similar to Reg during The Bathroom Talk™. If Laurie hadn’t been so emotionally rattled at that time I feel like he would’ve played it off. It was such bad timing for him. So I wanna scream at him “Chill out, they’re clearly not out to get you!”

10. What's a question you have about TC? One you haven't found an answer for yet.

I think there still might be a couple minor details, but I can’t remember them right now. The only bigger piece of dialogue that’s still a little intransparent to me is Ralph’s whole speech at the beginning of their post-wedding trip argument. I have my theories about it, but would also enjoy to hear more.

Considering I’m over a month late and have no clue who did this tag already I’ll open it up to whoever might still wanna do it.

#the charioteer #mary renault #tc tag game #tag game

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purpurussy · 13 days

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literally haven't eaten anything all day (it's gone 7pm) or been outside in several days or slept more than 4 hours/night in the last week so im probably just being insane for no reason atm but

i feel like I'm at a weird sort of crossroads with this blog?

when i made this account i saw it as kind of an experiment in vulnerability and positivity. i said i'm gonna try my best to post what's in my heart and not care whether it does numbers or not. if people like it they like it, if not that's okay because i like it and i'm having fun. and i'm gonna practise some kind of general radical positivity/acceptance towards others too. like i promised myself i would not allow this to be anything other than a positive experience, a nice opportunity to express myself in a way that's disconnected from how people see me irl and maybe connect with likeminded people along the way

and once i started writing fic i literally couldn't stop, like the idea of being able to share my writing and have other people enjoy it too is so exciting and motivating to me. there is so much happening in my google docs atm and it feels so good to be writing again after years of feeling too depressed to create anything

however unfortunately i am the grumpiest most insecure person on earth and i have never let go of anything in my life. i've already been unable to stop myself from wading into discourse™ and the general social media fomo/insecurity is starting to get to me. like when did i go from just gleefully shouting into the void, to constantly checking my activity, trying to figure out the best times to post, literally crying when my stuff doesn't do as well as i wanted it to??? taking note of which posts flopped and which ones did well, so i can post more of the popular content instead of just posting what i want. none of this is even real, yet it's been bothering me in a very real way. most of which is just my brain turning it into a negative experience for fully self-imposed reasons

i do think social media is poison in general. and i know it does not work at all for someone who is very prone to having a complete menty b at the first sign of any kind of rejection. and i know a big part of the problem is that i'm attaching too much value to this blog and how people respond to my posts (I have been connecting with my friends irl more lately, but social media is literally designed to prey on the part of your brain that perceives social rejection as a threat to your existence so unfortunately it feels like this matters to me a lot more than it should. also my irls do not want to hear about dan and phil lmao)

idk if i should just accept that this is not good for me and delete, or if it's possible to once again achieve the carefree fun i was having at first. maybe if i can work on my irl issues i'll start to feel a bit better and then it won't bother me as much?

i'm also sort of wondering how much i should reveal about myself? like i want to feel completely free to post as much cringe/insanity/weird smut as I want. and if i was posting in a way that would be easily traceable back to my actual identity then i'd definitely be a lot more careful with what i say. but on the other hand i wanna get to know people better! it would be fun to hop into a discord and actually have a conversation with people rather than just rambling in the tags on their posts. so i'm not really sure what to do with that either. it's kinda fun to truly exist as a completely formless entity in a way, like im literally just tumblr dot com slash purpurussy and there's something freeing about that, even if it does make me feel like i'm missing out on a chance to connect with people properly sometimes

also that idea scares me! everyone on here is genuinely so cool and wonderful and it gives me such a huge dopamime hit when someone i admire likes my stuff. so it's just scary to interact with people more because it feels like oh no they're gonna realize im actually a cantankerous little troll that lives under a bridge and is a nightmare to talk to lmfao

this makes no sense and i'll probably delete it in a bit i just had to get it off my chest

#dnp are literally god's strongest soldiers i would've probably killed myself a thousand times over if i lived like them honestly.#i am literally just actually posting on social media for the first time in my life and it's already given me a new flavor of mental illness #vent post #ask to tag #anyway yeah this is fully just me being silly and mentally ill and i'll probably delete it later #mine

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autistic-sidon · 8 days

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Important announcement

So I'm making a huge change! Despite me not believing DNIs are something that really works, I still think it's important to announce that I have having a massive change of boundaries regarding sidlink shippers due to something that occurred on the beautiful site called twitter dot com!

To summarize, me and another person got accused by someone with 5000+ followers of cyberstalking, mostly the other person. I unfortunately can only really defend myself and that is all this post will be about. What's most important to note about this "callout post" is I was misgendered in it.

To expand, this person who I choose to not name, included me in one tweet of the thread, in which I was misgendered. This person also included screenshots of my account some that dated back to 2022 when I was still a teenager/freshly 18, EVERY account I have on the Internet, along with out of context interpersonal drama from 2022 with 3-4 other at the time teenagers being the ones involved. It was drama that had happened and passed, everyone involved was young, and everyone involved has (presumably) moved on.

The person who posted this "callout" included a rather steamy message I sent without being involved in what prompted said message, only using one specific part of it to get a moral high ground over me. I am led to believe this person is a significantly older adult than me, so posting something that had to do with a bunch of teenagers 2 years ago is quite frankly immature.

I digress, as the most important issue was me being misgendered. I must mention again that this person has 5000~ followers, including being mutuals with rather large artists. At the time of posting the callout my twitter had 497 (now has 498). I do not even have a 10th of the posters following, and I was publicly misgendered in a post where I am made out as a stalker freak.

I thankfully have not (yet) received mass harassment. However I did have someone say me being misgendered was a "skill issue" and then called a slut. Note that one of the main arguments the poster made was hypothetical harassment, where I was actually harassed. Screenshots below.

The reason I'm so upset about the misgendering is not just doing so in front of a large audience, it is also because of the poster provided such specific shit about me and still posted the callout with the wrong pronouns.

Here's a list from memory of what the poster included:

- Dozens of screenshots of me complaining about stuff on my own account(s)

- Two (2) qrts of me disagreeing with bad takes

- One screenshot of drama from 2 years ago that this likely older adult wasn't involved with, drama that occurred between teenagers.

- One screenshot of my bio on this blog??

- One prehistoric screenshot an older post of me being like "haha I'm a bitch wacking a hornets nest" that has a super old layout from idk how long ago (I might be mixing that one up with a different screenshot, either way both are there)

- Usernames of my Twitter, my private Twitter, My main Tumblr, this Tumblr, and my Instagram that I don't use. Only two accounts that I have on the Internet were spared.

Is the issue clear?

I am upset about the misgendering because the poster got all this barely inflammatory shit that I have said, as well as revealing almost every account I have on the Internet and STILL MISGENDERED ME. Showing so much random stuff from my accounts as long as revealing all of them is already odd behavior, but the misgendering is completely unacceptable in this context. Someone digging through my online presence like this should know I use it/its exclusively and hate they/them. Here's some places where my pronouns are and how fucking easy it is to find them:

The ONLY EXCEPTION is my Instagram. Which I genuinely have not used in years. I had the pronouns set to she/they/he because back when I created that account, it/its was not an option. I checked, it's now an option, but because I don't use that account I never changed it. This account has old art as profile picture, three outdated pronouns, outdated names, zero posts, and a link to my old carrd. It's out of date, and 4 out of 5 other sources say it/it's only. Here's a screenshot of this account to show:

So yeah. The only excuse is if the poster got the screenshots from other people, even then you should have checked before addressing me. After me and my friends pointed out I was misgendered, the only update was saying that correcting my pronouns was a "minor correction." This is unacceptable to me. My pronouns are related to my entire identity and existence, fixing a misgender of me in front of your audience of 5000 is not a minor correction. That is a very major correction that also warrants you fixing that section of the callout post, reposting it, and personally apologizing to me. However, none of this happened so I will no longer accept an apology at this time, as the damage is already done. Misgendering a transgender person who doesn't even have a tenth of your following, in what is possibly the most inflammatory and bullshit callout post I've ever read is extremely fucking dangerous. Evidence of which I already provided, where a possible transphobe said my misgendering was a skill issue and then called me a slut. If the poster is reading this, I really hope you understand how much danger you put me in and how lucky we all are that this callout has had almost no effect on me socially. I am so incredibly lucky that I only received transphobic harassment from one person.

This next section is an optional read, I wanna talk about cyberstalking and callout culture

Warning for mentions of abuse

It just so happens that I am a victim of an abusive relationship where I was cyberstalked. Let me tell you what that was like, warning for those who are sensitive to abuse/stalking and how it affects people.

I broke up with a romantic partner January 31st 2022, and after I did, the partner posted lies about me, and claimed that I showed various forms of bigotry without providing evidence. I had one suspicious account follow this blog, which I inferred was this ex partner trying to get regular access to my posts. In addition, the ex partner made new twitter accounts and went out of their way to follow people who were in the same circle of twitter as me, and regularly post negative statements on my character. Mostly they never used my name (this is why I can't/couldn't take legal action) however there was at least 3 times where they had replied to someone about me, and then DM'd that person telling them that I was terrible and to be blocked.

One of those times occurred on April 19th 2023. A mutual had quote retweeted a shitpost I made thinking it was funny, then this ex-partner told them on a private account that I was toxic and should be blocked. The mutual didn't oblige, and thus I began to be mentioned by name and blatantly harassed. Because of this I had no choice but to post a google document about my experience with this ex-partner. After that they admitted they were wrong, and have left me alone since. (This document can be found on my twitter but I will not link it as I genuinely believe my ex is trying to/has changed. I will only provide it through DMs if you ask)

Unfortunately, the effects of cyberstalking that occurred through 2022-2023 ruined me. I was in college at the time, and because of this cyberstalking I had to drop out. I couldn't do my homework. I couldn't go to class. I rarely left my room to relieve myself or clean myself. I barely ate or bought food. I could barely leave my dorm. I did not feel safe. This is the reality of cyberstalking.

Through my own real experience and severely negative effects of cyberstalking, I can confidently say that I did not cyberstalk the poster of the callout. The "evidence" provided did not prove such.

Let's talk about why I was included in the callout that was mainly about someone else. I cannot speak on whether this mutual cyberstalked. I followed them on my main and private Twitters because I enjoyed their takes. I am not close with this person and am not an "accomplice" but rather a bystander that didn't give a shit.

The reason I was included in the callout is because quite frankly the sidlink community does not like me. They have not liked me since I was 13-14 (under a different blog) and I left the community at that age and made new blogs. I have always been pretty outspoken about my opinions and thus have been blocked over it, which is completely fair. It is also completely fair to dislike me and disagree with me.

What is not fair is having such a boiled up clearly long term hatred for me, and readily throw serious accusations at me when the chance arrives. I have not ever tried to cancel sidlink shippers. While I have stated before that I believe the ship to be slightly weird, never have I ever made an inflammatory callout post about one of them, claiming that they did something illegal.

My section of the callout has poor evidence, bad formatting, and I believe it has no ALT text. In addition the entire callout has this, what I can only describe as a "girlypop" esc font, and includes a quirky image of Sidon at the end. This shows me that the poster is not taking the situation as seriously as is being claimed. If it was truly a serious situation, you'd make it an accessible document/post that has actual relevant evidence.

This callout post, or at least my section, is everything that many people on Tumblr/Twitter have said is wrong with "callout culture." I'm being labeled as a problematic, irredeemable cyberstalker (not to mention dehumanized through misgendering) for things that happened 2 years ago, and me complaining about things on my own accounts.

I believe callouts should be reserved for abusers/bigots only. Even then, readers of the callout should be extra critical. People often make bogus callouts on trans people online (particularly trans women/transfems) and that is exactly what happened here. I am a transmasculine lesbian, and I have had a bogus callout made on me. What's particularly annoying and also revealing to me is I saw 2 default profiles on the #sidon tag here on tumblr repost screenshots of my section of the callout (and I don't think they did this with the person the callout was mainly about??? Literally just me???) I must reiterate how lucky I am I have not been harassed further, as most trans people this happens to are run off the internet.

Most callouts are either immature drama that should have been handled privately, straight up bullshit, or both. In my case it's bullshit. No one should ever ever spread around callouts (especially ones where the accused is trans) without being critical about who's posting it, why, what their evidence is and how it relates to the callout subject, and what the identity of the accused/accuser is. Callouts should never be made for interpersonal issues unless bigotry and abuse is involved. Callout posts about trans people where the trans person is misgendered should not be heard out until the callout is fixed, reposted, and then the poster apologizes for the mistake at least on a personal level. As far as I am aware in my case, it was only referred to as a "minor correction" and no apology was made. One person already harassed me about it, so even if it's minor my point is proved.

I would also like to express how upset I am that the callout did almost nothing to me. The harassment from one person upsets me, but the fact that I have not lost a follower here, and even GAINED a follower on Twitter proves my above points that callout culture is extremely immature (and pointless). The poster gained absolutely nothing other than interactions and surface level support from the 5000+ follower base.

(optional read end)

WHEW. That all being said, my original topic from the first paragraph. With the exception of my beloved mutuals, current followers, and casual sidlink shippers, I wish that sidlink shippers who are active in the ships community to not follow me on any websites. I have had bad experiences with this community since I was 13, and I am finally done. This was my breaking point. I am no longer comfortable in any way with people from said community sharing a space with me. You can honestly analyze this new boundary yourself. If you ship sidlink and disagree with that callout you're welcome here. But if you are actively spreading the callout, and interacting with the people who are responsible for it I ask politely that you leave me alone. Here's a GIF I find relatable to lighten the mood and hopefully make up for this incredibly long read. If you read the whole thing, thank you so much.

(Another note, this is my first time making ALT text on these types of complicated screenshots. If I did something wrong regarding formatting please please let me know!)

#sidon #<- if you are going to include that callout on me in fandom tags so am I. I am aware of the breach of etiquette but this is unfair to me #I'm sane enough to not include ship tags so the intended audience won't see this but oh well #I was genuinely not gonna feel better until I extensively got my side of the story out so this helped me a lot #People can reblog if they want #For the record I'm okay. I'm safe. I have a support system and I'm not going to be hurt :]#Again if you read the whole thing thank you so so much #Also. If I post this leave it up for an hour and then delete it because I got scared I'm sorry 😭😭😭#I'm super indecisive about this sort of thing #like I held on to the original draft document about my ex partner for a year until I was forced to edit and post it 😭😭#So yeah uhh will this stay up?? I dunno boss! depends on the response I get

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eoieopda · 1 year

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i took a wee lil nap (i am the sleepiest boi in the world these days, apparently) and woke up to see that we hit a milestone over here at eoieopda dot tumblr dot com 😭 i need to get a lil in my feelings about that under the cut, so feel free to keep scrollin’!

❕before you go, please note that i’m not quite ready to facilitate my 2k milestone event just yet, but i will announce that when i have the spare brain juice to swing it ❕

first, lemme just —

second —

asdfghjkl when i started this blog in mid-november, i was in one of the weirdest/saddest phases of my life so far. i’d been a lil hermit crab for months and thought that maybe creating an outlet online might help me army crawl out of the void. like, the idea of opening myself up irl to deal with some of that stuff was horrifying, but if i could start where the stakes were lower, maybe i could be okay eventually.

so that’s what i did. i made a last-ditch effort to reconnect with myself, recall what it felt like to care/get excited about anything, re-learn how to be vulnerable with people, etc. and shit, did this work out for the best — better than i thought, by far — in just a lil over four months. i was so incomprehensibly lost that i thought it’d take years to find me again, but here i am??

thank you to everyone who found me on this garbage site and spent some part of their day here, reading what i had to let go of and being so encouraging all the while. thank you to everyone who went out of their way to get to know me and to be kind — whether we talk every day (🫶🏻) or just occasionally or only through anonymous notes left in my lil internet mailbox.

you guys helped pull me through a really life-altering heartbreak, whether you realized it or not. i am so unbelievably grateful for that and for you.

ahem.

anyways —

please go stream face on spotify 💕

xo jade

#jade speaks #jade is in full marshmallow mode #2k milestone

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sunny12th · 23 days

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I think I'm gonna make a sideblog to use as a diary or maybe I'll start using this one as a diary again. It's silly but I have a hard time getting my thoughts down when I know people, whose opinions I do actually care about, will see them. I like my mutuals a lot but I dont always want yall to see my insides written out. or maybe I'll use this blog as a diary bc, at the end of the day, I need to feel better about being perceived and less like a fraud when I try to describe how I'm doing to anybody at all - even to online ppl I've never met. There's no real reason for my thoughts to tangle up just bc a mutual or random might like a post about my personal life. There's no real consequences that can come from talking about myself beyond shallow complaints about how I'm doing on tumblr dot com. and yet!!!

#mine

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girlfriendsofthegalaxy · 1 year

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tuesday again 3/7/2023

soooooo there's another classic Dad Movie character ive adopted bc ive decided he's bisexual

listening

Black Hole Baby by Superorganism. i would put a marker down and say this is the sound of the summer but this came out last summer :/ the very flat (slightly chiptune?) delivery of the lyrics combined with the hyper bouncy...squelchy??? lasers? is extremely fun. this song is neither creepy nor wet but it is viscous bc u are on a spaceship partying as a black hole is Getting You

listen. anything that starts off with subway chimes and the following lyrics is going to be good. these are good song choices in my mind.

I've been eating fruit I've been sleeping well when I can

the bridge in the middle with bits and pieces of radio hosts shouting them out-- i could take it or leave it. i do like how this band namedrops themselves constantly. it's like an oil painting at an estate sale with a huge legible signature at the bottom.

youtube

reading

i have read about three-quarters of raymond chandler's oeuvre (hardboiled detective/film noir author and screenwriter of note) this week. i cannot in good faith recommend these books because they contain some of the worst excesses of their time, which is good bc this is not a review series.

sometimes, i'm watching or reading something and i decide it would be a good tuesdaypost candidate. i hate the term consume but it's the quickest descriptor here, so bear with me. if i am consuming a work based on the recommendation of a friend, it changes how i consume the work-- i'm on the lookout for the elements they used in their pitch. if i'm consuming a work to write an article or paper (rare these days) i'm stopping halfway through to take notes, i'm rewinding to catch details, i'm delving into interviews, i often fully rewatch or reread. if i'm liveblogging something i am mostly on the lookout for humorous and/or gay bits. if in the middle of something i catch myself thinking "ooh this would be good to talk about for the tuesdaypost" that introduces another like, film or lit crit level to the rest of my time with the work. it's very difficult to turn that part of my brain off.

when i am reading things just for me, none of that is there. i am fully immersed, my disbelief is suspended. i am not thinking about anything else but the story that is being told to me. ive spent a great deal of time with these books this week and it feels weird not to talk about them, but they are something i really enjoyed that was just for me.

i honestly don't know how to unpack my enjoyment of works that (at times) reflect the quite extreme racism of their author-- the one that grabbed me the most, Farewell My Lovely, contained some of the most callous and exceptionally cruel shit i've ever read. it also contained some of the most fascinatingly complex inner workings of an extremely closeted bisexual guy with ptsd i've ever read. i don't know how to talk about these books in an interesting or balanced way.

even if i did know how to unpack these things, the brief and light weekly roundup post on goddamn tumblr dot com (home to no nuance whatsoever) would not be the venue. this is an anti-review, in a way.

watching

a fuck of a lot actually bc i'm really trying to crank out this baby blanket and podcasts aren't really doing it. same username on letterboxd if u want to see early drafts of this tuesdaypost section.

i watched many films that came on two vhs tapes when i was little, bc charlton heston was one of my mom's favorite actors. i did not see spartacus when i was little but i did see the entirety of ben hur AND the ten commandments before i was eight. i can't make that make sense either.

anyway i have a soft spot for epics but only when i am actively doing things with my hands. this one has a more interesting making-of story than the actual movie, imo. this one also had oddly christian overtones, for being set in a time where christ and christianity did not yet exist. like many critics of the time, i have no strong feelings about mr douglas' acting. i really, really liked the soundtrack-- a delight to hear the love theme in context after hearing it in a thousand different soundtrack theme compilations!

playing

nothing that wasn't a phone game i've already talked about

making

five and a half repeats!!! i am aiming for ten repeats plus some sort of i-cord border so this is roughly halfwayish

i took this in broad daylight after a meeting like "if i knit more tonight i'll take another photo" and then i didn't knit any more tonight i read a bad western and halfheartedly liveblogged it

#what the fuck IS IT about march/april that makes me go bonkers in yonkers #tuesday again #tuesday again no problem

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suguwu · 29 days

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your writing is so good that i just need to put it under a microscope and analyse it for hours and hours. you write bars in ever paragraphs of your fics.

for you, it could be writing down a random blurb.. but to me, it's a life changing quote that i had to pause my reality for — and just. Let. it Sink. in.

i really love your writing so much... and i don't think that in itself encapsulates how much i genuinely truthfully and wholeheartedly love it. like it is so.. profound to me. you use minimal yet 'just right' amount of words/phrases/metaphors to express such deep emotions. you describe everything so deeply — in a resonating way. the way you write is truly an art.. like it should be put up at museums, it should be considered literary masterpieces.. i just want to study then for hours and hours.

i am both grateful and hurt that i can read such good characterization and breezy flow.. such amazing writing that fills me with genuine emotion and thought - for free ..on tumblr dot com.. like wow.. just wow. also i'm really sorry if this was all random and if i rambled too much.. it's 3am and i have work tomorrow but i really wanted to express this. i wanted to personally sit and scream in the tags of your works and word out my individual thoughts but i thought that might come across as annoying so i stopped myself lmao but it's just — i really fucking love the way you write. i’ve read so many pieces of yours and i just keep getting more and more stunned. you may have a literature degree but i think i need to get one just to study your works in an even deeper level. because i really want to. i want to engrave each one of your phrases that hit me deeply in the depths of my soul and stars at them forever. anyway i think you're really cool haha and sorry this came out longer than intended

oh anon. oh anon. 🥺🥺🥺

i wish i had better words for how much this means to me because it is so incredibly kind and also has me very much in my feelings. please don't apologize because this meant my month started off beautifully. i was going to hoard this and read it over and over again (i've already read it countless times) but i had to sit down and express myself (badly) about it.

i think what most writers want to have more than anything is an impact and the idea that my writing has impacted you in such a way is just so stunning and mind-boggling to me!! i truly cannot say how much this means to me.

also please know that you are always welcome to scream in the tags!!! it is not annoying at all—in fact i treasure it! (i have a whole album full of screenshots of kind tags lmao.) but only if you're comfortable!!

thank you so much for taking the time to send this to me!!! it really has made my week & my month during a time where i'm struggling 💞💞💞💞

i hope you went to bed soon after tho 3am is so late!!

#🪴.ask #anon #rainy day tag #thank you again beloved!!

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djmousewife · 2 months

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gender thoughts again bc apparently im working this shit out by posting on tumblr dot com...

i know that for a lot of the other tboys and trans mascs theres an element of holding on to their past sense of girlhood if that makes sense as a part of your trans masc gender? like obviously this sentence is not giving it the time or depth it deserves but ykwim. but i really really feel any sense of femininity or approximation to womanhood i feel now (which i still feel tenuous/cautious as to whether that is what it is) is very much new and has nothing to do with me when i was a girl before. like for one, i was not feminine ever, i was a masculine girl who then wore big jumpers and skinny jeans (the trans outfit) until i could come out as a trans guy (technically genderqueer first but this is bc i was afraid if i came out as a trans guy id get rejected lol) at which point i just started dressing as much like a boring Gay Guy as i could, like not in a fun way and while i sort of more experimented with clothes the longer i was on t it still sort of fell into that category and i very much internally felt like a guy and nothing else. but having had top surgery and knowing that the gic has agreed to refer me for srs i feel more and more that i'm doing a sort of FtMtNB situation except idk if it feels right to call myself non binary (yet). like i have no framework for being a girl in any sort of "traditional" way for the context i grew up in bc my conception of girlhood when i was one was doing chores and being the eldest daughter and the suffering that came with that in my family. thats obviously very contextual and im no longer in that context. so now, it just feels like i was a guy and now im ?????? like all senses of feminity like dresses and skirts and make up are all things im learning how to wear and apply now bc i just do not have the knowledge of past experience with them. like im not discounting the 13 yrs i was a girl before i realised i was trans as not being a girl, im more saying, even at that point i was doing "girlhood" so more in line with being trans masc that i sort of didn't have anything to hang onto? so any femininity now is acquired or developed out of that time as a guy. idk..........

#the gender tapes #ykw ppl say that theres like unfair standards for how to be trans in a medical context #this is obvi true but also i literally adhered to those standards of being a trans guy without even tryinh #laila

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doctorguilty · 7 months

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Baddddd bad bad bad very sad

My head hurts, the pressure makes me feel like it's being squeezed and crushed by rubber bands ... from sinus inflammation and dehydration and not eating probably isn't helping

I feel like I want to cry again but I'm trying to stop myself so I won't make the pain even worse

This is only, what, a week into dst? Not even winter yet.. Seasonal affective disorder is going in for the kill this year I guess. I don't know what im going to do because I'm so tired, physically and mentally and just tired of my life, there's no fight in me left. And no one will or can help me. I'm my family's least favorite and so i get the least help, doctors won't take my health seriously, my partner needs more time, possibly more than a year, before moving in with me with me somewhere. I can't afford to live on my own. I barely have energy to keep collecting scraps of money to show as income so I can continue getting food assistance.

I had a spark of hope for a while but it feels like it was a mistake to let myself have it. How much longer can I lie to myself and say "one more year until it gets better"? I mean, I can't. That illusion is broken. So what can I tell myself? It truly feels like there's nothing. Things keep getting worse. I tried so hard, I really did. I'm exhausted. Truly utterly exhausted.

Unless anyone out there (just like, the world not @-ing Tumblr dot com) has a spare 20 grand or something they'd just hand to me to live off for "one more year" (and then some) and detox from my miserable quality of life, surviving it barely even sounds appealing knowing that my physical and mental health I'll be another year WORSE than where it is now. And even then. There's not guarantee it ends there :''') its an estimate, an "if I'm lucky" estimate and it's not even considerably lucky to be in this position.

I genuinely don't know how I'm gonna keep living like everything is fine and normal while I continue losing steam to make money, make art, care for myself (I'm already down to roughly 2 showers a week and at best 1 real meal a day because I'm so tired), to keep filling out paperwork begging for assistance (I think I'm already overdue for my food stamp update), and watching other people in my family just be handed endless help while I'm patronized with "have you considered painting Christmas ornaments for a living" and interrogated about the validity of my disabilities (which I always fail to prove good enough)

Almost everyone around me is happier than me. Almost everyone else's life is on track and I'm at best simply left behind, and at worst I was someone they stepped on to get what they needed before tossing me to the side.

My life is not only painful and exhausting but humiliating. I don't feel like a person. I don't feel important. I feel like if i did die out of the blue, nobody would say they regret helping me more like people usually say, they'd just talk about how I should have done xyz better and it's my own fault (not a s*icide threat just being hypothetical like literally if i died for any random reason)

Most of everything that's happened in my life, I feel, has validated my chronic sense of worthlessness. Everyone says I'm not but prove it. Someone prove it. Someone put me first. Sacrifice something for me (and not complain what a burden I am on them!). For once. If I wasn't worthless, well, I'd be worth it, without strings attached.

It won't happen. It never happens. I have to dance like a fucking circus animal for people and then beg on my knees I'm entertaining enough to keep alive so I can do it over and over again

#seth speaks #neg #angry parts arent vaguing tumblr ppl its mostly irl stuff like thats the issue thats where i need the most help

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charles-edwin · 1 year

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Hi, MJ, just saw your notes about being neurodivergent and mental health and trying, and i just wanted to add to that. I’m not autistic but I’ve been dealing with depression and anxiety since i was a teen and only just recently found out, in my early 40s, that what i thought my whole adult life was just me being LAZY and UNMOTIVATED and GENERALLY BAD AT ADULTING is probably me having executive dysfunction. I mean, i’m still a procrastinator at heart, but when i can’t bring myself to do THE THING even though i know i HAVE TO DO THE THING and every moment i spend NOT DOING THE THING fills me with anxiety? That’s my brain fucking me over.

I’m a public servant and my department has been very big on mental health since COVID and mandatory telework. But the message is always the same : you gotta eat well, sleep well and exercise. Like it’s that easy, like self-care doesn’t take a huge amount of effort when your brain doesn’t want to cooperate. Doing anything is hard for me because i have zero motivation and i can’t relate at all to things like Being Disciplined and Feeling Accomplished. Even things i enjoy! I’m behind on series i want to watch because i just can’t bring myself to press play and sit there and watch. So i rewatch the same series over and over again.

So my self-care is doing my best and trying not to compare myself to others. I get my work done on time (even if sometimes i have to get up earlier because i wasn’t productive the day before), i shower at least twice a week, i eat a vegetable a day. I pay my bills and my taxes. I vote. I’m not a danger to myself and/or to others. I’m alive. I’m alive. So if it takes me a week to unload the dishwasher and to load it up again with the week’s worth of dirty dishes, if i never fold my laundry, if i buy soup instead of cooking for myself, who the fuck cares?

Neurotypicals don’t get it, they don’t understand why we can’t just DO THE THING (like my dad, who loves me very much, but does not understand why i can’t just ‘cheer myself up’ when i ‘feel sad’). They don’t understand that in order to implement the tools (clean eating! sleep! exercise!) that might help us cope we need to have the motivation and the energy and the resources (therapy is fucking expensive!) to even try to make the effort. ‘It’s not that hard’ YES IT FUCKING IS.

So i just wanted to say, i see you, i understand your struggles, they are valid and so are you. I hope the people around you appreciate you and your efforts. I hope YOU appreciate you. Because you rock. Sending you lots of love. 💖

hello friend!!! i feel you. i suffer of severe executive dysfunction and honestly it just keeps getting worse which consequently makes me even more anxious 😩😩

exactly!!! eating well, sleeping well and exercising can definitely help you improve but when your brain simply refuses to do those tasks, it’s hell. and honestly, people who don’t live in a constant fight against their own brains have NO idea how it is. only the ones who know the struggle know what it takes to do the most basic things.

beloved :( i understand your struggles. i know i’m just a stranger running a silly little blog on tumblr dot com but i really do understand. i can motivate myself with fiction sometimes but real life? it’s just not for me and some days i feel so lost and yet so overwhelmed by how lost i feel, that it sends me into deep depressive episodes. i mean, i’m not clinically diagnosed with depression and anxiety but fuck if i haven’t struggled with those bitches my entire life.

(i have been thinking of getting a diagnosis and i thought about asking my dad for some financial help and you know what my mom said to me, “don’t even bother, he thinks you’re faking it”. i mean, not surprised at all but still a little disappointed.)

and you’re doing great!!! read this very carefully: YOU ARE DOING FUCKING AWESOME!!! you’re taking care of yourself and doing things at your own pace and you’re alive and not harming others. that’s just so so so much!!! and i’m proud of you for moving forward despite all the hardships!!!!

oh parents. they might love us but they rarely understand us. and that’s okay i guess. but don’t let that get to you. only YOU know what your brain can and can’t do. it is also NOT your fault that you have limitations, okay?? everyone does!!! we just happen to have more. but you’re not unlovable or a terrible person!!

you’re soooo right!! therapy and diagnoses are ridiculously expensive. at the end of the day, we’re usually alone carrying this massive invisible weight. and nobody can see how hard we try and how much it takes from us!!! sometimes being alive hurts and staying alive is the best we can do but we are still here!! despite everything that nobody gives us credit for. we are still here!!! i still need to work on my self love and acceptance but i don’t take it lightly how much i try to do things and i do appreciate the fact that i’m alive.

thank you SO much for reading my tags, for reaching out and sharing your experiences with me. you are incredible and i wholeheartedly mean this!

i tend to feel very lonely because most people around me don’t really understand me. it’s such an alienating feeling, sometimes it’s like i’m drowning in it. but i also know i’m not the only one who feels like this and your message does comfort me in that way.

so thank you SOOOOO much!!!! sending you lots and lots and lots of love right back!!!! and that you’re able to feel it across the distance between us and have a great week!!!!! ❤️💙

#also thank you for caring 🥺#means so much to me #i’ll probably reread this for comfort every week #you’re so nice #bless you ❤️💙#anonymous #mj got mail!

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enrapture · 1 year

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ABCDEJT?

A = Anal: Is Anal more fun than frontal penetration? I have only had anal 3 -4-5?? times in my life and it wasn’t much and I didn’t train too much and it was very painful and it was a 4-5 yrs ago so I can’t really determine that so I guess frontal is my favorite by far. I should train myself again because on the flip side it feels good asf.

B = Brat: How obedient do you like people to be in the bedroom? Is disobeying fun? I’m a brat asf. I don’t like following rules at all. I’m a sub so I don’t expect another sub to be wanting my command. I don’t do commands as I’m the one following the commands.

C = Cum: Turn on, turn off, or favorite? I ♡ everything about cum. Definite turn ON.

D = Denial: How long can you edge before it can’t be taken it anymore? Hmmmm probably 15 minutes or longer depending on what I’m doing but I tend to wanna go all the way pretty fast. Haha.

E = Exhibitionism: Do you like being seen getting off? Ever done anything explicitly hoping to get caught? I have actually gotten caught once and most likely seen many times actually.. I’ll name two times: Once on a lil getaway while giving a blowjob / recieving cum on my tits / mouth. On a walking trail nearby a bunch of people in a public watering hole / hike area. Two teenagers saw us and turned around and we ran…I walked around with it on after and then washed it off. I was SO RED AND EMBARRASSED. One another one was at a park that happened more times than I can remember. Thinking you’re in a secluded area when it turns out it wasn’t at all hahaha getting fucked in a hammock and giving blowjobs and stuff sober / back when I used to smoke (one hit would get me so high it was insane)

J = Jack Off: How often do you masturbate and what’s your favorite way to do so? I’d say it depends because I’ve done it 8 times in a day and sometimes I won’t do it at all and sometimes I’ll do it 5 times so I mean it just depends on my mood and it varies from day to day. Adhd: all or nothing lmao. I love using my vibrator a lot recently and have used this dildo this boy got me but god it’s so big lmao. I love finding videos on tumblr more recently than trying to find a porno on xnxx(dot)com. And I also like using my imagination sometimes picturing someone. It’s so fun.

T = Teasing: How much is just the right amount of teasing before somebody gets dicked down? And what are you favorite means of teasing? Ffff I LOVE TEASING AND BEING TEASED BACK. it really gets me so worked up. I love the dirty talk / degradation/ praise personally as well as the slight touch but not giving you all of what you want. Like for example over clothing and whispering in the ear and the shuttle hints of almost kissing / barely using tongue and just all sorts of stuff. Knee inbetween the crotch brushing up… forceful hands on the wrists holding steady against something. The brush of hair. The tug of hair… the graze along the tits just the tracing of their body but not giving in to sex just yet just teasing making the face go red and blush… the touch up along the thighs, arms, cheekbone, collarbone down to the stomach towards the v and then going over it with your finger on the underwear but not fucking me til I’m squirming and begging like BARELY GOING under the top lace of my thong along my skin but not going further just general teasing. The thumb along the lips… the eye contact the breathing on the neck… certain words like all that stuff really GETS ME. The tension the build up….ffff Like YES YES YES LMAO. (Sorry I overshared as fuck)

#ask

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