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tossertozier · 5 years

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you mentioned possibly doing a ben or mike writing guide.. would you.. be willing to post a mike one. i'm plotting a fic and im struggling to get my mans down?? also i think abt ur fics weekly bare minimum.

hi there!!! i did my best. i tried to not sound preachy or like a know it all bc y’all know i can barely write. i hope this is helpful in some way!! disclaimer of of course this is all just my opinion & there’s no wrong way to write, you’re the only person who can tell your story!!

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i think the first really important decision you have to make as Person Writing Mike is his

family & background

-are both of his parents alive?

-if yes, what’s their relationship like?

-if no, who’s his primary caretaker? what’s their relationship like?

-if no, when did they die? did he cope well with it? what’s his relationship with their memory like?

these are really really where you gotta start to write mike imo. or any character! i think one thing stephen king is to be admired for is he doesn’t neglect the parent-child relationship as so many people who write youth do. your parents are the most important people in your life for a long time. i don’t think there’s a wrong or ooc way to answer the above questions tbh. canon has really left a wide open field for you to run amuck in.

(example: i’ve mentioned in the past that my & tfat mike being a small adult is no mistake and intentional. it’s a bit of a throwaway scene, but i mention in on pointe that mike’s parents are coming. it’s intentionally done there too. mike is goofier, more outgoing, more immature in general in that fic in the small bits he’s in & that’s all a response to his familial life. )

culture + friendships

after you answer those questions, important follow up questions are:

-are the losers his first set of friends?

-how much social exposure has he had?

-has he dated? who is he attracted to?

-who influences him? (celebrities, family, culturally)

-what are his cultural interests? what does he do in his free time? how would that impact how he interacts with the rest of the world?

again, no wrong way to answer these. i’ve seen a super broad spectrum of indirect answers to these questions. even thinking about where he might pick up patterns of speech can make him feel much more like a realized character. i’ve noticed some people dip fully into aave to an extent that doesn’t even seem logical in their character’s current situation & it can really seem like a caricature, but i think to write mike without any sense of aave at all is a little ?? too. just be cognizant of it is my only real advice here. it doesn’t so much matter as long as you don’t forget who mike is which next point

humor & personality

-what do you think he would find (shows, comedians, youtube videos) really funny?

-does he have something he quotes often? something he started saying ironically but never stopped?

man i know i’m all there’s no wrong way to write mike !! in this post but i will say real quick that i think mike is funny and i don’t really respect depictions of him where he’s not. i think this is where the movies really just fucked up. book mike drops some of the funniest lines of the book. and honest to god tip is to write out a scene as you feel the urge too, look away for five minutes, look back and give half of richie’s lines away. (or... dialogue.) this sounds like a joke but it was what i did when i first started writing & tfat

i’d always be like “n the funny part goes... to richie.” and thats a fandom inclination too. nooooo. avoid this trap. it doesn’t even make sense. have u ever been in a friend group where only one person... makes jokes? that’d be genuinely so weird. especially bc if you give the joke away to someone else, you can also build on it. amazing things start happening when u start thinking of the characters in flexible patterns. like for example, i almost always give absurdist humor to stan now. wholesome to ben.

mike’s humor is largely situational to me. solid comedic timing & he’s an observant person. sometimes i read back my own writing & have to change the pov bc richies making jokes about things he would never ever notice to make fun of. mike would. mike genuinely sees all. i think he’s just got one of the most analytical brain of the losers. & i think intelligence is subjective and people are smart in different ways but i think it’s foolish to write him as anything other than incredibly intelligent both academically and emotionally. he’s just a natural observer and pattern notice-er. which brings me to my next mike thing:

love & selflessness

i think the biggest part of mike being harder to flesh into a fully realized person is the fandom tendency to make him kind and nothing else. here’s mike. he’s nice. next. bc the book kind of points out his selflessness in his decisions and it makes itself one of his strongest character traits.

especially bc nice seems to trump him having any other emotions. ...no?

i believe in general, but ESPECIALLY in the case of mike, that kindness is a choice. it’s one i genuinely believe he’d make, over & over again. but a choice he makes. he gets annoyed with his friends being annoying like anyone else would. he gets hurt when he feels left out. he feels tired & anxious & hungry and all those other human things. sometimes he might not let it show outwardly, but there’s a difference between that and not giving him feelings at all.

people are selfish. it’s a defense mechanism. it’s to protect us. it’s not a bad thing. we think of how the world impacts ourselves first. we don’t always act upon those thoughts or voice them, but don’t forget to let mike have them. he doesn’t need to be happy for his friends all the time, or rooting for them or supportive. he should have his own things going on.

also. mike’s not a doormat. yes, he stays in derry. but those were life-death consequences for generations of children. it’s really not comparable to almost any decision mike would make in a pennywise free universe. yes, he made a sacrifice in the book but i don’t think he’d just lay himself down in any given universe to whatever fate wants to hand him. but this is where i end this topic bc i’m actually only barely beginning to get to this topic in my own fic!

it’s hard writing the losers young sometimes bc i do feel relationships are naturally a little unbalanced based on basic maturity levels as young people. sometimes friendships just are unbalanced bc of who people are at that time. everyone involved can still be good people in these relationships. it’s about growing together and learning how to be good friends to each other.

for example, in &tfat: certain losers are always checking in with others. others are really wrapped up in their own shit and don’t really notice what bothers the others. it would probably take a chart the size of a textbook to explain how i think this dynamic wholly pans out in full. and yeah, i think it grates on mike a little bit that he is always the checker and never the checkee.

but even when mike snaps, even when he gets upset, i always write it coming out of him with a lot of love. i genuinely think mike, regardless of experience in that fic, has the deepest understanding of love as its own concept and an understand of how exactly it rules his life and and his relationships. mike knows to feel strongly about something he has to care about it. there are lots of things he just doesn’t care about. in the book it’s stated he’s difficult to connect with as an adult. he’s distant. he’s focused on what he wants to focus on. i think mike is actually the most interesting when he becomes a little bit of a disaster man with very little time for what doesn’t interest him.

which last thing, dislikes & disinterests

-what annoys him?

-what makes him genuinely angry?

-what bores him to tears?

i always make jokes that i bring up the nastier parts of the losers bc i love nasty boys but thinking of things people don’t like is as much a part of them as the things they do.

for example, in &tfat, i write richie as making fun of “nerdy” things like anything you could find at comic con. i write bev as not giving a fuck about sports. bill doesn’t care about richie’s music tastes. eddie hates getting condescended to.

bc of the ... kind thing, mike’s one of the harder losers to do this with. i genuinely think mike would listen to any of his friends tell him about anything. & he knows, in return, they can’t say shit when he wants to ramble about history. but dislikes can also be super situational.

again, for example in & tfat: mike doesn’t like when his friends talk about college right now. no one is really being sensitive to him at all. he hates getting blamed for stuff that isn’t his fault, mostly bc it keeps happening.

anyway. i based a lot of my mike (mostly sense of humor and personality) off of a mix of real life friends of mine. it’s a luxury. i know. i’ve been blessed to have friends from literally all walks of life & for me borrowing little habits & quirks & sayings & jokes to slip into my fics and characters is my way of writing one massive love letter to those ive known. i hope i’ve helped you in some way anon. n if not.... don’t be sad i’m hardly one to take writing advice from anyway jandjxjx

overall, as i used to do often, i’d genuinely stop myself and say: is this a person, or a convenience for the plot? and if it was the latter, sigh, and get my backspace key ready.

#mike hanlon

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babblish · 4 years

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For the fic ask meme please!: 13, 15, 20, and as an option 28? I've often considered/fantasized publishing fan fiction (after a bit of reworking of course).

Thanks for the questions! This is my second at responding to this ask because I am a fool and should know better than to write my responses in the draft asks on tumblr, so I apologise if I word things a little too drily as I’m writing some of this from memory. [WIP Writing Asks]

13. Are there scenes that you cut already?

Oh boy, I’ve cut plenty. Many are spicy scenes that still exist, just with no intent of publishing publicly, others are ones I just completely backspaced into oblivion. I do have one scene I have sitting at the bottom of my .docx that I might resurrect from the dead, but at the moment it’s not going to make it into the actual fic since it’s something of a redundant conversation. I just couldn’t bring myself to delete it entirely because it has a line almost too good not to use.

“Do you want to know a secret?” Kozlóv asked, his voice low and hesitant.“Go on,” Scaarbach wasn’t sure he wanted to hear it.Kozlóv leant over him, smelling faintly of flowers, “I hate my new post.”“Don’t be ridiculous,” Scaarbach scoffed.“I wasn’t made for this,” Kozlóv continued whispering, clearly understanding how scandalous his words were.“You insult our Lady Creator,” Scaarbach replied, hissing under his breath.Kozlóv sighed, “I was made to serve, not lead.”“You disgusting grunt,” Scaarbach made a face.“The bowing and scraping, the wine, the too soft beds…,” Kozlóv whispered, “I don’t want this. I never asked for this responsibility.”Scaarbach nearly slapped him, “How dare you gloat with such humility!” he hissed.To his surprise, Kozlóv laughed out loud. He made a point of quieting himself down lest anyone heard them, “You really are a very funny little man,” he whispered, a playful grin brightening his features.

15. Post a line from a WIP that you’re working on.

If we have learned anything in our select experiences, it is surely that one must remain vigilant against our greatest respective enemy* lest our stone crumble away like castles of sand.

* The greatest enemy of a changeling being themselves.

20. What’s a common writing tip that you almost always follow?

“Write first; Edit later”

I only really learned this one in a business course during 2013 of places. But the principle works as well for fanfic as it does for resumes, reports, emails, and spreadsheets, and well anything else really.

Admittedly I do catch myself forgetting it, and completely ruin my workflow for the day by getting stuck researching whether or not dog sledding was at all a thing in pre-modern rural Russia, or what the minimum wage was for a adult male in Regency era London, or how in the actual fuck pounds worked back then, or rewriting the same sentence over and over and over again because I’m sure I can write it better if only I find the write verbiage. But mostly I try to work with the flow, and to go back later and systematically edit during re-reads, catching typos and grammatical errors, inconsistencies and downright mistakes as I go. It normally takes me several parsings, but it’s still a much faster method than stop starting all the time.28. Are you planning on publishing your WIP? If so, how?

Regarding The White Rabbit, I fully intend to start publishing on AO3 in a month’s time. [March 7, 10 am AEST] Technically, the translations into changeling lang are no where near that stage yet, but as it is intended as just an easter egg, I am going to go back and edit them in when I get to it. My main priority is to finish writing The White Rabbit ASAP. As I stand, I have enough buffer to get me until August, and am I hoping to scramble behind the scenes that I can have everything finished by December. It’s an ambitious undertaking, but after finishing Uhl fic, I am confident in my abilities to just about make it.

However, I feel like the real question you’re asking is “Are you planning on removing the fan from the fiction and publishing it as an independent piece?” And my answer to that inferred question is a resounding yes, hopefully, maybe, I’m not sure, it depends. I feel like thanks to my particularly defiant approach to writing fanfic (by which I mean, main characters, whomst? And have met you my OCs I casually invented for this setting? I have 50+) I am probably in a good position to fully make my Heart of Janus #I’m GDT now au its own thing entirely.

Having said this, I have decided to put the thought in the backburner until the project is finished, and to approach the idea after its had some time to breath. This is for two reasons. 1) it’s easier to adapt something that doesn’t have moving parts, and 2) I’m sure by that point enough emotional and critical distance will have set in between the fic and the source material in my head that the process would be so much easier to tackle. If I were to start now it’d be like trying to write on two nearly identical stories at the same time and that seems potentially… messy and confusing.

As it is, Uhl fic!Uhl and Canon!Uhl are two completely different (although admittedly similar) characters in my head. I could in theory start that conversion process with the narrative and setting for Whispers Within right now, but as it’s connected to Ottobiography through subtle but plot relevant threads my hands are somewhat tied. I’m not willing to try touching those moving parts until they’ve stopped spinning.

#ask meme #writer meme #writing meme #wip meme #long post #ottobiography #changeling fic

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latinuser · 6 years

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Okay so I’m currently in a bit of a root of depression/insecurity/HELLA QUESTIONING MY SHIT right now, which all added together with the need of a job kind of fucks over the mental state to create stuff and get out of that funk. You just sorta. Binge? Lay there doing nothing, you aren’t super upset at that moment but you don’t feel anything, so you’re watching comedy skits or anime or something to bring yourself to a high point so that you can feel motivated to do anything.

But, while being in this shit hole where the majority of my brain turns to: Nobody supports you, you don’t know what you feel so how dare you even think the way you do/you’re fucking over other people you love/you have it so easy stfu

I decided, LETS TRY AND BE PRODUCTIVE (and vent sorta with the above) and so I’m gonna throw up a bunch of shit I like to do to try and help myself feel better (because I can be happy in a moment but it fades over time with the whole depression until you feel like a void)

So, down below is gonna be just some shit I do to make myself do stuff set into categories of:

Art/Drawing

Writing

and Chores

Key note, this works for me. It may not for others, but if it works for some people then I’m glad to provide a little relief.

If anyone else has other advice/resources add on to this post!!

ART/DRAWING

First thing I suggest is something I’ve been doing for ages before I even recognized I was doing it for my depression.

Find a super old piece of art you did, like two-three years ago, and then re-draw it. For slumps (especially long ones) where Depression just won’t let you think creatively, not having to overthink what you’re drawing is helpful. Having an old piece where the pose/the basic composition of the piece is already decided let’s you just work through everything faster, even if you change the pose slightly/what the character is doing. You know the scene, that’s the important bit.

Once done, look back at the old piece, then what you can do now. You may not be satisfied with where you are, but, you are almost guaranteed to be better than the older piece.

Second thing is memes. Whether it’s draw your character memes or faces or something, just. Draw them. All of them. It’s a good warm up, and it also let’s you go kind of zen and, again, not have to think creatively.

Third is get paper (physical paper) and pen, crayons, etc... any and all different mediums, and just. Scribble. Not being specific has a bit of freedom in it and lets you get out of a “What tf do I draw, it has to be perfect/anything i do is shit” mindset.

Fourth is similar to the last. If you have a medium you haven’t used in a long time (pen/paper, pencil/paper, colored pencils, marker, etc...) pick it up again. Usually making yourself work with something you aren’t used to/haven’t done in a long time lets you see the other skills you’ve progressed and feels good at the time, lets you move forward a bit easier.

Fifth, drink something hydrating. Water, tea, etc... just something that isn’t soda or energy drinks. This is more so just an “in general” statement, but I find I think more clearly when I’m drinking cold water.

WRITING

First thing I like to do is, similar to the first drawing is, read my old writing. Not re-write it, but just. Read it. Read it and pick out all my mistakes and laugh at my grammar or cringy I was. It helps me see where I flubbed out and where I can improve.

Second is pencil/paper write it out. Write out some of your story beats, how it works, etc... Hell, if you have a whiteboard thats even better! This way you can get a far away look at everything. (Also there’s just something to me about writing on paper?? Idk, it’s nice)

Third is eat/drink something. Yeah, same as the fifth one for drawing but this is!!! SUPER!!! IMPORTANT!!!!!! Sometimes you dont realize the reason your head is foggy/your “muse” or your mojo isn’t working is cuz “I haven’t eaten in like 9+ hours and holy shit is that the time?” So just. Get some water, get some fruit/peanuts/something small at your desk and snack while you write.

Fourth is turning all your text white in whatever document. This is more so if you just get stuck at a specific part for me, but it can work for this too. Turning your text white makes you have to ignore your mistakes / what you wrote prior and just keep moving forward, cuz you backspace once and who tf knows what’s going on.

CHORES

Chores are monotonous things that, when you have 0 energy and can’t see a point in doing anything, kind of get pushed to the side. Especially in comparison to the creative things (like writing/drawing) that get pushed to the side because “I can not do that” but!! Here’s a few things I do right before starting them to keep me going.

First thing is white noise.

No. Really. Just. Put something on in the background and have that playing while you drag your butt around the house. This won’t work all the time (like all of these won’t work all of the time) but I find it’s helpful.

Second, family help. So this one is, again, not for everybody and definitely not gonna work if you don’t have someone around who’s willing to take your phone/tablet/random device away from you, but. If you do. Ask your sibling/parent/friend to take your phone away from you after (x) amount of time (i usually say 20 minutes cuz that gets me through one YT episode) and then to take it and hide it (still playing, mind you) and hide it somewhere.

Not too hard, but def. somewhere I gotta go and search. Makes me get up, makes me have to go to whatever other room it is, and means I’m much more likely to keep moving.

Third is, honest to god, showering. Just. Do it?? I dunno what it is about showering, and I don’t care if it’s 9AM, Noon, or 11PM, take a shower. Showers can help you wake up or wind down and, generally, the water will ease you and make you relax more. Plus, as said with above, once you start moving, you keep going. Even if you don’t quite understand why.

Fourth is binging while you work. I usually carry my phone around with me, YT or a Podcast blasting in my pocket and just walk around and do my chores kind of numbly in these moods. It’s not the easiest and I do get 100% distracted/just don’t want to keep going. But it helps me, similarly to white noise.

Fifth, can anybody guess what this is?

That’s right. Drink/Eat stuff. AND AGAIN, make sure it isn’t just junk food or soda/carbonated drinks. Again, fruit, peanuts, just something?? Is better than nothing.

Anyway there are some of my things. Hope this helped some people?? As a final “THIS IS WHAT I LOOK AT” I’ll put down some pretty sappy/funny stuff I like to watch in this mood to give me more positive ... mess of something in my stomach while I work.

Lucahjin

Masaenala

Chuggaconroy

TheRunawayGuys

Ponder Sprocket

TheZodiacLord

TheOdd1sOut

Jaiden Animations

#depression #mental health #mental illness #thinking #out lou d....#and just?? if it can help others #then maybe it'd be worth it #long post tw #tw depression

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milominderbindered · 7 years

Text

thirty days of skam fic: day nineteen aka, the sequel to the neighbours fic

beginning. accusation. restless. leaves. rainbow. flame. formal. under. move. silver. prepared. knowledge. denial. cans. order. thanks. look. summer. transformation. tremble. tent. mad. thousand. paper. winter. luxury. letters. promise. simple. future.

[ PART ONE ] [ READ ON AO3 ]

As soon as Even finds out he’s been keeping Isak awake every night for weeks, several things happen. First, the late night noises stop almost immediately and completely, which must mean Even has either put carpet back down like he said he was going to, or just completely changed all his habits for Isak. Second, this lets Isak actually get some sleep again, which his professors seem to appreciate since he stops falling asleep in lectures, and his friends seem to appreciate because they inform him that he’s at least forty percent less grumpy.

Third, Isak starts running into Even everywhere.

They bump into each other at the cafe Isak didn’t know Even worked at, the laundry room he’s never seen Even in before, the bench just down the street from their building, the tram back from University. Eskild keeps inviting Even to movie nights at the kollektiv, and then in return Even keeps cooking them all dinner, and he also starts texting Isak about random little things during the day, which never fail to make Isak laugh and secretly blush to himself and then get teased by all his friends for the besotted way he’s looking down at his phone.

By the time a few more weeks have passed, Isak has to upgrade his feelings for Even from crush to full-on infatuation.

But between Eskild’s never-ending meddling and Linn’s eternal presence at the kollektiv and Even’s roommates, Mikael and Yousef and Elias, being around a lot too, it takes a while before Isak and Even get any more time alone. It’s not like Isak’s angling for anything, but still, if the universe wanted to throw him some kind of situation where he could stare at Even all he wanted and not get caught in the act by his roommates, he wouldn’t complain.

And then, one day, Isak manages to lock himself out.

He doesn’t know how he’s done it -- he always remembers his keys, but his keyring broke in his bag at some point during his day at uni, and Isak’s ended up with the key to the outside of the building, but not the one which actually opens the kollektiv’s front door. And Eskild’s at work and it’s the one day that Linn happens to be visiting her family, so he’s just stood there, feeling like an idiot with an armful of organic chemistry books, no coat, and a phone on 2% battery. It’s drizzling outside so he doesn’t even want to go and walk somewhere else, but he supposes he’ll have to, and just take shelter at the nearest coffee shop or force Jonas to take pity on him.

Except, before he can actually turn around and leave, Isak suddenly spots Even coming up the stairs, and doesn’t even waste a second before calling out to him.

“Isak, hey!” Even responds immediately. He looks happy to see Isak -- at least, Isak thinks so, although Even’s always pretty cheerful so he could be imagining it. He bounds up the rest of the stairs and then stands a little bit closer than he has to, a little bit closer than you’d probably lean to a casual friend -- but then, Isak could be imagining that too. “Shit, locked out? Don’t worry, I do that like, at least once a week. Wanna come and chill at mine until Eskild can rescue you?”

And that’s how Isak ends up in Even’s flat for the very first time.

It really is laid out the same as the kollektiv, but decorated so differently that it’s almost hard to tell. It’s weird, like seeing Isak’s own flat in an alternate universe; he’d be quite happy to just wander around and inspect the way they’ve nudged an armchair into an alcove that Eskild has a bookcase in, or the way their kitchen is flipped so the fridge is by the window, but as soon as they’ve toed their shoes off at the door, Even is leading the way towards his bedroom.

Okay, Isak thinks. He can work with that.

As he takes his first steps into Even’s bedroom, Isak feels a bit like he’s walking into some kind of sacred site. He’d spent most of the last month imagining endless scenarios for what was in the room above his that caused so much noise -- but when it comes down to it, Even’s room is pretty normal. He has a big bed that’s unmade and messy and pushed against the wall. A couple of guitars, which Isak is sure he must have heard being played at 3am a few times. There isn’t a trampoline, or any evidence of drilling equipment, so he’s still not quite sure what Even could have been doing all those nights to cause so much noise.

The next thing he spots is the wall, which is papered in drawings and doodles and interesting little cut-outs. Even had said he was an artist, but Isak hadn’t really considered what kind of art he did; he wanders closer, reading a few of the hand drawn little comics, and finds they’re quirky and surprisingly funny.

“These are really good,” he observes, glancing over his shoulder at Even and smiling a bit. Even is watching Isak, like he’s observing the response to the room, and he smiles a little lopsidedly.

“Really? Ah, thanks. They’re not my main thing, I actually make movies too, and paint, but -- yeah, sometimes nothing will shut my brain up except doodling.”

Isak understands that. He’s no sort of artist, but he definitely has a bit of a messy brain that he can’t always find the volume switch in.

“Well, I like them.” He smiles a bit too softly at Even, and Even smiles back, a wide grin that makes his eyes crinkle up and his whole face turn adorable.

Isak’s heart thuds in his chest.

“Wanna watch a movie?” Even asks.

-----

They’ve sat side-by-side through plenty of movies at the kollektiv by now, but being alone together, sat on Even’s bed and so close their shoulders are touching, is something else entirely.

Isak barely takes in two seconds of the movie; the whole of his brain is consumed by how good Even smells, and how warm he is where they’re pressed together, and how his deep laugh rumbles through his chest every time Isak misses a joke on screen.

When the movie ends, Even looks over at Isak, and asks, “Did you like it?”

Turned like this, their faces are so, so close.

“Yeah,” Isak says. It’s barely a lie; he loved the entire experience of watching this movie, despite the fact that he doesn’t even remembered what it’s called. “It was great. Thanks.”

-----

After that, Even starts texting him more, and it seems like they’re bumping into each other ever more often, and Isak can barely handle it. Every time they’re all in the same room, Eskild has started giving Isak meaningful looks, and Isak just glares back at him. The thing is, it sometimes seems like maybe, just maybe, Isak’s crush isn’t totally unreciprocated -- but Isak has a bad track record with mistaking friendly straight guys as interested in him, and he’s never heard Even talk about sexuality, ever, except the once he’d mentioned having an ex-girlfriend.

One day, when Isak is doing dishes in the kitchen and Eskild is sewing up a hole in a pair of leggings at the table behind him, Isak decides he’s going to just casually ask, and clears his throat.

“Uh, Eskild?” he says, not looking up from the mouldy pan of pasta he’s scrubbing out. “Has -- um. Has Even ever, I dunno, mentioned to you about -- talked to you about his sexuality?”

There’s a moment of absolutely blank silence, and then all of a sudden a squeal and a pair of arms throwing themselves around Isak’s shoulders from behind. He immediately tenses up, washing up water sloshing everywhere as Eskild jostles him, but it’s too late to take it back now.

“Aww, baby! I knew you were crushing, I just knew it! I have such a good guru sixth sense about these things, don’t I?” Not really -- Isak’s probably just extremely obvious. He knows that. “And he hasn’t talked to me about it, but I’ve noticed the little pansexual flag badge on that sexy denim jacket he always wears, haven’t you?”

Clearly Isak hadn’t, but that information is interesting at the very least. He shrugs Eskild off, trying to seem annoyed, and grumbles something about just being curious before dropping the subject entirely.

But next time they see each other on the stairs, and Even stands just a little closer than most people would and brushes his fingers over Isak’s arm, Isak does take note of the badge on Even’s jacket.

-----

One day, when Isak has a pretty big exam coming up, he puts his phone on do not disturb mode while he studies. When he takes a break after an hour, for a bag of Doritos and a quick check of his notifications, there is a solid wall of texts on his phone, all from the same number. His face twitches into a hopeless little smile as he clicks on them, seeing the dumb meme Even had sent him to begin with, and then a series of increasingly pointless but cute messages about what he’s having for dinner and the fact that Isak is taking too long to text back.

[ 19:02 -- From: Even 4B ]

should i start blasting music through the floorboards when you ignore me? haha

Isak figures studying can wait a little bit longer.

[ 19:13 -- To: Even 4B ]

didn’t realise you were that desperate for my attention, sorry ;P

He has started being just a little, tiny bit flirtier in texts lately. So far, Even hasn’t said anything about it, so Isak’s gonna just keep sending those winky emojis and hoping he’s being obvious enough.

[ 19:13 -- From: Even 4B ]

Isak, you’ve known me for several months now, surely you should realise i am ALWAYS desperate for your attention!

Even’s reply is almost immediate; he really must have been waiting for Isak to text back. Isak bites his lip as he reads the message, and then reads it again for good measure, feeling his heart beating a little too quick. His fingers hover over his phone, starting to type out a response but then deciding it sounds lame and backspacing, beginning again -- but after a minute, he must have been taking too long to reply, because all of a sudden an obnoxious pop song starts blasting from the room above his.

Isak actually laughs, flopping back onto his bed and looking up at the ceiling, as if the blank white plaster represents Even himself.

[ 19: 15 -- To: Even 4B ]

omg, GEEZ, okay you have my attention, just stop the gabrielle! wanna hang out?

Studying can wait. You only live once, Isak decides, and it’s not every day that a cute boy is trying so hard to get you to give him the time of day.

-----

The music turns off, and Even appears at the door three minutes later, beaming rather triumphantly. Isak rolls his eyes, but leads the way to his room anyway -- he wants Even all to himself, so speed is of the essence, before Eskild realises they have a visitor and hijacks Even for the rest of the night.

Even has been in Isak’s room a couple of times, but never really hung out in there before. Isak suddenly feels a bit regretful of how messy it is, and does a quick sweep with his eyes to check he hasn’t left any mouldy plates or dirty underwear out in the open -- luckily not, it’s just crumpled clothes and a whole lot of uni notes strewn all over the floor.

“Uh, so,” he says, suddenly feeling awkward. They’re just stood there, and Even is standing close, like he always does, and it’s making it way too hard for Isak to think. “What do you wanna do? We could play FIFA, or watch a movie or something, or, uh, I guess we could order food, but we’ll have to sneak it past Eskild.” Even looks amused, a little pressed-lips smile on his face as he stares down at Isak.

“That all sounds chill,” he says, shrugging. Why is he so much smoother than Isak? How is that fair? “But why don’t we just sit and talk for a bit?”

Isak’s heart thunders in his chest, but he nods, and a few minutes later they’re sat on his bed together, Even’s long legs crossed over the crumpled edge of Isak’s duvet, close enough that their knees touch. Even’s telling a long story about one of his film classes, and Isak is half listening, half watching and thinking how much he likes the way Even talks with his hands, all big gestures like he’s trying to draw the words into life.

And then the story ends, and the room is just quiet. Even looks at him, almost evaluating, his eyes all soft. One of his expressive hands drifts between them, and his fingertips rest oh-so lightly on Isak’s knee.

“You look nice today, by the way,” Even says, smiling so softly that his nose scrunches up.

Isak thinks fuck it, leans into the tiny space between their bodies, catches Even’s face between his hands, and kisses him.

Even’s lips are like nothing else he’s ever felt, and Isak can’t help but gasp against him when Even immediately starts kissing him back. The hand on Isak’s knee slides all the way up his leg and holds onto his hip instead, and Isak leans in closer, and then closer still, until his arms are wound all the way around Even’s neck and their mouths are moving frantically against each other and he can pull until they both go tumbling back onto the mattress, legs uncrossing and winding together, their whole bodies intertwining.

It could be seconds or hours later, but Isak’s whole body is overwhelmed with heat and he eventually eventually gets dizzy enough to pull away for a brief moment, needing to catch his breath. As soon as he does, Even nuzzles into his cheek, a deep little hum escaping him.

“So I guess I really did get your attention,” he says, his voice sounding all soft and pleased, and Isak can’t help but burst out laughing.

They stay in Isak’s bed for the whole rest of the night. At some point, in-between orgasms and jokes and deep conversations, Isak is forced to recategorise Even once again. This time, he goes straight from infatuation to boyfriend.

Isak thinks he might keep that one for a while.

#skamFWN #evak #evak fic #skam fic #isak valtersen #even bech naesheim #i can't write an emotional fic about the finale yet so have this fluffy au instead #isak x even #even x isak #30 days of skam #maia writes fic

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kitschcats · 3 years

Text

The Cynic v. Astrology v. Faith v. More Astrology v. All Other Forms of Alleged Bullshit

I’m going to be reposting some older pieces that never made it here. (1/9/2019)

Astrology? Bullshit.

--or so I've been predisposedly conditioned to believe, at least. It might just be my skeptical side, being an all-hatingly pessimistic INTP (at least according to the last 20 times I retook the same MBTI test over and over just to make sure?) in all my sunshine-and-rainbows-and-happiness-allergic, rationale-above-all glory and everything, but astrology Twitter could never quite sell me the idea of the positions of the constellations and the retrograde motions of the planets having any kind of influence on the state of human affairs. The cynic in me could dismiss the idea as too wishy-washy for my tastes, but I think part of me must have thought it was bigger than just that, much bigger--the stars themselves, as well as the very idea that they could directly interfere with our lives. The stars just seemed too far away for that. Wrapped up in bigger, more important dealings of celestial bodies, too distant and too pretty to bother helming such pivotal positions to humanity, and for centuries since, at that.

Perhaps the thought of having someone, or something, so transcendent have a say in our lives in ways we don't, perhaps carving for us predestined paths we can do all but nothing about; the very idea of something bigger than me having control, absolute and unquestioning, over me--over us as a collective species--scares me. A little like faith. (It's curiously ironic--I always thought I'd never be able to rest easy if I didn't die working for or working towards something bigger than I was. A cause, a movement, a fight, a revolution, I just know I'd toss and turn in my grave if it were anything but--and that I'd rather die before I willingly let myself get caught in the rat race and submit to the corporate world so highly favoured by our capitalist society--yet here I am, cowering in fear of the governance of something bigger than me, over me.)

God--if she/he/they/such an entity exist(s)--and I have had a complicated relationship ever since I was told by my ustazah to keep the questions I had about dinosaurs in the Qur'an to myself. There was a lot of questioning of my faith and even more committings of blasphemy, and to tell the honest-to-God-capital-G (ha!) truth this seems like the perfect spot in a sentence to interject a "but," but there is no real but. Sike. We use "but"'s as conjunctions for when what we're about to say contrasts with what was just said prior, but in this case there are no contrasts, no opposites, no contraries, no nilai-nilai murni, no pesan moral cerita, and there is no happy ending to forgive my unpious doubts.

A good chunk of my time I find myself questioning what I believe in and what I don't and why. Suppose I be a good Malay-Muslim girl, get lots of pahala, and masuk syurga, where it's sunshine and rainbows and happiness forever--and then what? Is the promise of forever all there is to it, to drive believers to do good deeds and not commit sins and continue to fear God? Hollywood clichés may be a stale comparison to this, but we've seen it in movies, it's a painfully repetitive trope: poverty, suffering, Miracle Magic, fame, wealth, drunken indulgence, wear-tear, boredom, dissatisfaction, greed, The Big Mistake, followed by The Bigger Crash, regret, The Retribution-and-Subsequent-Begging-for-Forgiveness Arc, then Sudden Wisdom-Beyond-One's-Years, and finally, a lackluster ending--and this is one's reward for painstaking worship in the mortal world, but for all eternity? How many lifetimes worth of promises of forever can you endure before you're driven mad by all the happiness in the world? If the only thing slower and more painful than being condemned to an eternity of dosa-induced punishment in Hell is being rewarded a pahala-blessed eternity of happiness in Heaven down a gradual descent into insanity, does that make being sent to Heaven a form of punishment of its own?

And suppose I traverse the path less trodden here in totalitarian-Islamist-Malaysia, are we to assume that we've all got one shot, and that lives we're living now are the only ones we'll get before dissipating into universal matter at best, nothing at worst, priests and rapists, CEOs and pedophiles, pastors and serial killers, believers and non-believers, men, women, children, all things in between, good, bad, black, white, grey, all alike?

(After pressing enter here, I stared blankly at this document, half-written and half-formulated and not a word proofread (as if I were planning on it!) for the longest time, my fingers hovering over the keyboard and doing that funny little ritual dance of hesitation, unsure if it would be right to break the paragraph here, seeing as my word count has been very (clearly) unevenly distributed thus far. I decided there was no right or wrong, and carried on writing, no line breaks backspaced in the process.)

What an optimistic thing to think about.

My natal birth chart tells me I'm a Pisces sun, Virgo moon, and Libra rising. At first completely foreign terminology to me, a little bit of digging had me finding out that my sun and moon signs were at complete odds with each other; polar opposites; and that I, in other words, am very much susceptible to constant internal struggle. "Blessed" with the wishy-washy, flip-floppy nature and escapist tendencies of the Pisces sun and the critically anal-retentive groundedness of the Virgo moon, the strange combination most definitely makes for a walking contradiction, i.e. me. (Fun fact: Kurt Cobain, too.)

(And, completely contrary to my fear of the divine and unknown as mentioned earlier, Pisces suns tune in to higher purposes and have dreams that transcend individuals, avoiding the harsh realities of otherwise by indulging in escapist self-delusions. I wonder if this sounds familiar?)

I still don't quite know what to make of the concept. I've heard stories of individuals feeling more in sync with the universe after getting in touch with their starry sides, but the idea of it all but makes me fear the universe all the more------but there must be a reason as to why astrology, for millennia upon millennia, in every culture, every great era, every ancient civilisation worth its salt, spanning continental boundaries, has been so closely intertwined with human lives; why the history of the celestial calendar dates so far back yonder; why it had always borne such significance to generations of nobles, to highly-revered priests, to merchants at sea, to humble farmers, to lost travelers, and to ordinary peasants alike; why the stars have always been our milemarkers and the constellations our compass and the sky our map to the entirety of our tiny, observable worlds; and who was it who first looked up and sensed the presence of something greater than them, whispering answers from the sky above? What did our ancestors, spread out across each far corner of the earth in a time of isolation and the unknown, know that we didn't?

Perhaps it's just too infinitely all-knowing a concept for me to be able to properly wrap my head around. In short: the universe is a great, big, incomprehensibly mysterious thing, and it fucking terrifies me. As I write this, sitting in the quiet of a 3AM night and in the darkness of my room, illuminated only by my night mode-tinted laptop screen and by the lights of neighbouring windows outside, I wonder: do I enjoy the possibility of being at its (the universe's) merciless whims after death, as with everyone and everything else I had ever come to know of in existence during this lifetime, as opposed to a fairytale God and Devil and Heaven and Hell? Possibly.

All irony aside, I do feel optimistic about one thing. An enthusiastic "update that damn blog" has been on my to-do-list for the longest time, and finally no longer in vain. I've been simultaneously feeling a lot of things as well as none at all--both at once, curious as it is--which is what I blame for my frustratingly stubborn inability to put thoughts to words to document this past year, as well as my horribly demotivated self. Dramatic as it seems, the year-long dry spell (I mean, a year? Togashi Yoshihiro, anyone?) had me thinking I'd never be able to write again. But here I am now, writing about it. Writing and translating my thoughts into real, letter-by-letter words. I feel strangely light. Perhaps all I needed was a little faith.

#p #thoughts

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inkhouse8 · 4 years

Text

I am so taken it’s not even funny. No man could alter these feelings I carry deep within me for you. Not one. This I know. For me it’s about believing in what I have & appreciating every little thing I can to keep it all so good & alive inside. I choose to be all for us & for no others. I do. It’s a choice. I like in Farewell how you rapped about us & you said we could be broke as a joke ... and no other fish in the sea because I feel totally the same. I resonate with that so much so. But no other will ever take me from you but God himself. I swear on my life. For you, Marshall, I’d do what you want, I’d give what I have. I’d be brave to take on what your world is all to be beside you. I’d do anything. I’d give it all. And I’d love every second of it. I am loving every second we’ve had together, minus part of a day when you were mad, then I got mad. But that was nothing to worry about. I love that you are full of fire. I so do. Reminded me of me. Just heard Remind Me (Intro) & Remind Me about 20 minutes ago. I love those!

Tonight it’s much easier to write & type. Thank goodness. I was struggling there yesterday. I’m not the greatest typist. Nope, I’m not. I try to go too fast & fuck shit up ALL THE TIME. I know how to backspace so much so that it’s second nature to hit that key to erase stuff. Oh well. I don’t necessarily mind too much. I’m just cool with it because it gets the job done & that’s good for me right now.

I added chocolate & cookies to my list. Ha. Or I should say, “Yum.”

I had left the cord to charge my cell phone in the car so I scooted down there & got it. I don’t like going out at night because something “could” happen, but my phone was down to 40% & I knew I had to charge it for today. So, that’s done. Charging now. It’s 4:32am. I did the dishes. And now it’s only shower before I hit the hay. That’s cool, can do, can do. I’ve got less stress today than I have in the last little while. Love is grand! I think so. No! I know so. We’ve tried & tried & now we are finally so good to go. I feel that way. I know I had really strong feelings for you in our past but this time I feel like I know more about how you feel & that’s incredible, amazing, too great to contain! I love you so much for saying all you did about us. And doing all of what you did to show me. I’m sorry I left. It was a huge mistake, one that I’ll have to live with. Please forgive me, Marshall. It won’t happen again. I promise.

I love you Fuzz, but I better go for now. You’re beautiful & what you did for us was & is beauty in motion. I loved everything! You make me happy. It’s so marvelous! Billy Crystal would be so proud!! I love us!!

Good night!

The Found Larou

*Love looks good on us!

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thinktwice222 · 4 years

Text

It’s been a while

And you haven’t changed. Just kidding, I don’t know who you are, so who knows if you have changed or not. Is nothing still nothing, some might presume, yes, in fact it is. Climbing down from my podium now.

What’s up with direct eye contact? Has it ever needed to be a thing?

So anyways, I have been extruding art lately. I was thinking about drawing a little fun glyph. Glyph is not the right word but it seems right. Glyph is representative of an action. At least that’s what I think of in my mind. Have you ever thought about how Egyptian glyphs , well not even, we don’t need to go that far back. The chinese alphabet is much more complex. You know why english sucks? the same 26 letters you use to form all the emotions you can have in the world. Now, you can be as smart as how many words you know to express that rainbow of a personality, or you can rely heavily on tonal changes. implications, sub context, subtext. Whatever it is. You wanna know how to miscommunicate? Speak the English language and have a small daily vocabulary.

That was a weird topic, but on here I try not to limit myself to anything. especially weird rants. I’m really self conscious about my point of view on things, because there is no where to express it or have a valid space to get your brain sorted or work through biased opinions.

Someone the other day was struggling with spelling. I knew where they were at, and still am sheepish when I go to right a word more times than not.. That didn’t stop me from projecting my voice of authority to spell out sandwich, which at one point I definitely had a uphill battle with. I hope they cared more about the figuring of sandwich over my indirect communication of the spelling by spelling out over people. It’s the answer to the question, lets just hope that it was not unacceptable.

I smoked a fair amount again today. Im not sure what a fair amount its, but its when I decide its too much. The highs aren’t that great all the time, and some have made me more than ancy. I’ll probably soon concider the implications of long term smoke and how to make it a viable interaction while I still can enjoy the experience. Or get a bong, jk, I have been reading dan harmon’s saved myspace entries. Its the mid 2000s for more than a few years. He’s really brash, and I’m jealous of his aptness to put whatever he feels, just a straight up journal to people he knows. I want to get there at one point, rip the bandaid off. I don’t want secrets, well, I don’t need them.

Don’t you love when you realize that a shirt of yours has a distinctive smell? like a smell that is super comforting? my shirts like that right now. It’s kind of a salty and sweet smell. Makes me think that maybe if I just swam in the ocean more often (jk again cause I live in Baltimore) that it’d magically turn my anxiety b.o. into something wonderful. I’ll still give it a try at one point.

I can’t wait till I can have an apartment of my own. I would also like a 50 l. bag of salt next to my bath. I would have a tub.

Everyone should write more, meaning I should right more.....write more... my spelling mistakes are funny, usually putting an extra voul, or tradeing some hard or soft concenents. I’m leaving that sentence as is just to give my spelling a good bow. Yes brain, we know that you see spelling as a social construct that encourages policing and gets rid of regional dialect with the over tones of being poor and uneducated. I almost spellchecked my kudos sentence. I should maybe read more, but maybe its tension headaches that keep me away. Well my eyes never want to focus on much.

to smoke or to not smoke. smoke. I got to pack some new stuff in there too. Not sure How discrete I need to be in this day and age but I’m pretty sure I have been open about those habits, or will be at one point in the future.

What else. music session got pushed again. Wednesday now, really I’m over caring and my brain has been able to decide i’d buy a new drum set if anything happen, no problem. I’m glad I have been semi responsible with my money, even though I have been pretty reckless with it. But money is for spending, and I think I have gotten to the point were I am going to have a good understanding of money and its value in my life. but first art. I hate all these big backspaces between the paragraphs, It makes my thoughts, although separate, way to separate. Like English channel separate. Each new paragraph, you get a new country. And new spellings, I don’t like to look up from the keyboard while poking all my keys. My muscle memory will at one point return and maybe Ill just end up typing with my eyes closed. Now wouldn’t that be the absolute dream. communication without having to use your damn eyes, obviously I have a thing against them. I type weird anyways. kinda like some weird long tendrilled vermin. or demon. another sentence full of verbal disbelief, I mean I cant spell at all. People say home keys help but I don’t think that’s the way, every way has the alternative, I need what ever the opposite of home key standard is. The android to the apple. Give me that sweet sweet alternative culture. Is there a style thats good for soul? like you know the music, that style but in expressive dance or gesture...... or typewriting. It’s like how to use a hammer to expediently and save energy, you use your whole arm in the swing, directing with the shoulder. Or how you paint with your whole arm.

New space. new country. I love rambling, maybe this is where my rambles will live. somewhere in the limbo of total existence and lack there of

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mynameisnotkarl-blog1 · 5 years

Text

1/2

I see people are coming to me about assumptions lately

Things im hearing seeing would make you think these dudes hate me

its 50/50 so i guess they can split that evenly

Going outside is feeling more like a chore now

thoughts im having would make you think i gone senile

i been so self aware that its hard to be me now

so selfish i don’t even pretend to be me now

THIS SHIT CORNY 🌽🤣😂🤣😈

but this what the pression sounds like on a good day

and i know this shit can get worse like anyday

i know im selfish i didn’t even show up

Im feeling whoozy i think im bout to throw up

running from my problems like dont ask me

i don’t believe that l#%$ is real if you ask me

feelings going in remission

i missed it with it precision

i just couldn’t risk it

(Ive been in that void)(pitched down)

Ive been out that void

and i still cant tell difference

like who making these decisions

I got some good news

you can’t fit these shoes

i got some bad news

i can’t get over ...

it’s been a few years

ok maybe a couple fews

i mean couples views

i wish weren’t different

and the thought of it yeah it really hits

i hit the doc for a script

you don’t know it but you are god-sent

maybe that was a little extra

why do i be so extra

and then i thought about it but i really didn’t think about it lol

Aint nobody going to judge me harder than i do me

last years of high school got me feeling like a zombie

last years of colle got me feeling like i want to harm me

yeah i know i don’t fit in

but this trigger just clicking

“well did you check the safety”

oh yeah that’s my conscious

i say we get along

he barely do me wrong

when i step like iverson

broad day victim going missing the public

don’t go outside cause a niggas mind is sick

oh you getting closer yeah i think i got to dip

oh im getting so sober yeah think it’s time to sip

and when the reason is no reason at all

When i see heaven i just want to ...

But its bugged when you on the other side

or in between

thinking back on it yeah i wasted my teens

opana had my lov i should of got therapy

i had these tears all froze in my face

i had these feelings all put away

this shit lame and wack

you need to grow up👿👺

Maybe you can turn this shit all around

you didn’t mind being the clown

Thinking their laughter is more important than the pain that you’re feeling now

Goal #1 look in the mirror more

#2 try more

yeah wish it was that simple

but simple how im feeling lately

looking in the mirror thinking why that guy hates me

hate i know it can be a strong word

so excuse me for my ignorance

I seem to lack for a better word or world

and it all seems the same

like how every song sounds sad and it’s starting to become lame

imagine putting your all into a track just for anthony to call your shit lame🤣😂🤣 i guess you got to start somewhere

i got so bored i was going to put %£$ name in the google search bar and face my worst nightmares and see if i can handle it or not

ive made myself an object of a pointless concept

no strong purpose

i think it’s funny how their is always someone who will take the news of your death with laughter and it will be a genuine laugh

told my $&@#%£* marriage is a cool concept n all but really dude

btw im the last person you should be taking advice from

compliment

read n tak a hint

ask &@$ if &@$ wants to get use to just touching each other

is this a relationship

can it be this simple

sometimes i realize how sad i am

and how pathetic i look and sound

do people get mad at you when you’re this pathetic

am i pushing it if i say im average

i wonder if my ancestors went through something like this

i feel like the future can be bright but no time is better than it is now

i wonder if $@&#%€ thinks about me

i wonder if i made anyone cry

i used to think about 9/11 daily

but then $&@ came along then

it was $&@ every other second

the adderall help but the isolation did not

i think about how i thrived in my world

but in your world i could not

i once thought about how i could just be being dramatic

like how im concerned if “just be being dramatic” is grammatically correct or incorrect or if i should just know that either way it’s not the first time nor the last (even this is a edit)

first time I seen the &@“$& i was scared to death

the second time i seen the &@“$& i was at peace

ive🔒 a note with all my thoughts and now i dont know my thoughts

you ever get so conscious of your walking you feel like every step you can trip

i want to make a song named “I stay strapped in Prague”

i found my 👇

thoughts

1. they was close now they talk behind my back

2. are they friends or are they just using me

3. most of the whispers are about me

4. why do i want people to like me

5. i see dark objects that are not there

6. the majority of people i meet are against me

7. i know that i exaggerate things but does it stray away from the truth

8. i thought they was close but i got to cut ties now

9. i can absorb the outside world but it is difficult to interact

10. they can see right through me

11. they try to hurt me for a reaction

12. i cry most of the time just because it is good for me

13. they request things of me i don't want to do

14. isolated is when i feel most comfortable

15. i distance myself to protect me and sometimes others

16. i think im selfish even when im not trying to be

17. people think i don't like them but i don't have the energy for them

18. sometimes i avoid looking in the mirror

19. eye contact is becoming more and more difficult

20. most of my expressions are manufactured

21. don't care for the future don't got any plans

22. i love my family i love my family

23. i think about disappearing never coming back

24. ideal death will be alone deep in the forest

25. im scared

26. i damaged myself far past the chance of repair

27. distance distance distance

28. dissociation is easy

29. i don't know my family

30. why am i holding on to this anger

31. i might be sick

32. i don't know if i care

33. i think im pathetic for doing drugs

34. its hard to remember my childhood

35. i wonder if eight or ten year old me will like me now

36. accomplishments feel anything but

37. i notice things

38. im done with a lot people even ones i like

39. my thoughts paralyzes me

40. trust is difficult don't trust

41. don't know what my thoughts on what &&&& is yet

42. i don't want to do this how do i get out

43. i need help

44. i don't want help

45. enemies will laugh and joke in your face

46. if i try to enlist in the military they will deny me

47. i cant tell nobody about the problems i got nobody

48. i don't know where im at right now i just hope he is alright

49. j coles kod got me thinking he the goat and i only listen to the intro

50. ?i deleted this one it was too dark?🙄😢🙇🏾🤦🏾‍♂️

51. the album-art cover of the kod is amazing. subliminal

52. kill edward is jcole

53. if this is it im not

54. itiiinimpressed

55. im going to stop thinking about her

56. regret is a persons worst enemy

57. pretty sure i got an anxiety disorder

58. pretty sure i got ptsd

59. i use to skip meals because of my anxiety

60. i don't need nobody to tell me i need help but i know

61. im sick

62. im sick

63. how did i get sick

64. im a little dramatic

65. tpye mistake but i didn't want to backspace

66. thought this line should be a dark one but nah 6ix hundred more to go (ಥ﹏ಥ) that was an accident too but it still works i guess

67. fiona and v that will be a good 3hree

68. believe im capable of love but choose not to

69. i don't want to get high anymore but i am

70. i find myself in that empty place quite often

71. i dismissed all her advances im sorry

72. this is going to be... a long one

73. im not good with eye contact for a lot of reasons but i seen something in someone's eyes thinking how is s•• alone? is s•• alone? and things were never the same it changed everything it happened too fast but feelings weren't mutual and now i feel numb most of the time

74. i suck at rapping and producing but it feels like i can change that so easily but im lazy and scared mostly scared lol

75. i hate that shit "lol" but i still do it smh devon no lol

76. sorry its just most of the time ur not

77. im too busy trying to love myself

78. oh im sorry if it looks like im trying too hard but i am

79. i would do anything to push people alway but very little to keep them

80. everyone is against me i got few if not any

81. i need to get swollen i already told some people i was planning on too

82. i only laugh with my friends i think

83. hope this car ain't no scam hope is empty but it feels good

84. i just want it to feel good

85. i think ye might have lost it

86. i have problems sleeping

87. i slipped in that dark place again and i don't want to be there

88. behind my back

89. thunder without lightning how frightening

90. it's either i care too much or for not

91. i really don't want to disagree

92. Cringe

93. how do u make demons out of angels

94. if i hit the lottery with millions i promise myself to show someone this list

95. who are you?

96. i don't want to think about it when i think about it

97. you don't want to know the places i go

98. had to correct that👆👍

99. just sitting here chilling with my shoes on unlaced

100. i think im sick... in the head

101. i think about the most darkest things

102. i don't think im going to sleep for a long time

103. now i know why people go to far with things

104. but when you do it right the outcome is amazing

105. i can understand someone else's choice better than i can explain min

#happy #sad #thoughts

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