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myaoiboy · 6 months

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what are ur hcs for the boscelhira dynamic?

These bitches are so deeply unhealthy on every level lmaoooo

I'm super torn on whether Ocelot ever actually directly tells Big Boss that he's attracted to him, purely out of such a fucked up yandere level of hero worship. Especially before the Ground Zeroes incident I think he assumes a) that his feelings go without saying and b) that bibo is indestructible, and GZ is a huge wake up call for him. I have a fic in my wip folder about this exact thing because I'm obsessed with ocelot I am genuinely rotating him in my brain at all times. :3

Meanwhile Kaz is extremely straightforward. I feel like he has some fucked up ideas about masculinity and sexuality early on, but hey, gay people tend to congregate around all the snakes in large numbers, so any internalized homo/biphobia that he might have had has to evaporate pretty quickly. He definitely makes the first move on Bibo, he tries the moves that he uses on (many, many) women, and ends up getting absolutely plowed.

Big Boss, to me, is an autistic aroace king who doesn't really *get* sex and/or romance, but is down to fuck if only because he knows it's something other people put a lot of value on and it feels good, and as an extension of hand-to-hand combat. Because of that sex-as-an-extension-of-combat mindset I feel like he doesn't bottom much if ever (maybe, *MAYBE* if the Boss were into pegging, but lbr she's probably a lil too homophobic for that).

Kaz is cool with that, especially in the early MSF days. It's like having a tiger on a leash. He basically has a supersoldier to fuck him senseless.

I think maybe BB and Ocelot meet quietly on occasion through the MSF days, but if they fuck at all in this time it's mostly just what BB kind of assumes he's supposed to do, from interacting with Kaz. tbh Ocelot gets off from the weirdest shit so anything *real* is just a bonus.

Ocelot is *extremely* jealous of Kaz, not just for the sex, but for even getting to see Bibo on a regular basis. This fic is basically to me what I think their first meeting would/should be like (actually this whole series of fics is so good i recommend it): https://archiveofourown.org/works/37886539

(There's another fic that I looked for very quickly but couldn't find that includes Ocelot saying a line like "I just wanted to see what all the buzz was about" after they fuck, it may also be a part of that series, but I'm struggling rn lol)

Ocelot pretends it's not jealousy and is instead a totally justified dislike. Definitely thinks of him as Zero's slutty lapdog. He spends the time between MGS3/PO (take your pick on canonicity) and GZ keeping tabs on Snake for what he pretends are totally professional, impersonal, non-obsessive reasons. This is not true, obviously. Definitely hopes that Kaz is dead in the devastation.

Goes on an enormous bender between the attack and finding out that Bibo is alive, maybe the only time that he really, truly lets himself completely lose control. Definitely think at least once he gets REAL fucking close to ODing and gets to talk to the Sorrow for a lil bit. Might be how he finds out Snake isn't dead/won't die.

If they haven't at least hooked up anonymously before, Kaz and Ocelot definitely start to in this 9 year gap. Ocelot knows a lot about the human body and does some fancy acupunctury/knife-y stuff to help with the pain from his injuries because, y'know, they're stuck together for now.

Ocelot totally fucks Kaz because he's the person closest to Big Boss left in the world. Ocelot isn't much of a top himself, but he tops Kaz just to figure out what he's used to, using Kaz to build up this mental model of how Big Boss must fuck using the negative space he's left behind.

I genuinely think that up to this point they REALLY could have saved one another. They're one another's perfect foil, they cover one another's weaknesses, Kaz is all rage on his own behalf but doesn't know when to cut ties, Ocelot refuses to grow a single vertebra if it might inconvenience Big Boss.

I do think that Ocelot spent a lot of time at Zanzibarland, and that Kaz intentionally helped time Intrude F014 for a time that Ocelot wouldn't be there, from some lack of desire to kill his...complicated ex lover.

I think Ocelot would absolutely be furious that he wasn't let die with his boss, and intentionally lets Kaz live in 2005 as punishment (I like biblical allusion and so the idea of Kaz living the story of Cain/Pontius Pilate's doorman, cursed to live a wandering life until the second coming of jesus, or in Kaz's situation, the third(?) coming of Big Boss makes me kick my feet and giggle)

Gonna stop for now cause this is getting like. Comedically long for what you asked lol. But I am more than willing to talk about this forever i love them they're my favorite toxic barbies

but genuinely yall thank you, you're making me think about this which means that I can add a little more to the bunch of fics I have half written and scared to finish lmaoooo

#mgs #headcanon #bosselhira #bosselot #ocelhira #bbkaz #oops i went on way longer than i intended to lol #i am. so sorry lmao

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dgcatanisiri · 2 years

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Maybe it's just the fact that I've played so little ACTUALLY GAY stuff that has made me so bitter about Cyberpunk this time around. Like if I could offset the enforced cishet viewpoint with something more properly queer, I wouldn't be so bothered with how things play out.

Of course, then the question is what IS properly queer, considering how vague and ill-defined even I acknowledge that term to be, especially in this medium. (Maybe start with 'there is incidental queerness, beyond any possible romance options and variations, that just exists, rather than being tokenified or vilified'...)

*sigh* Well, I burned through the Panam storyline, and even managed it in a fashion that has prevented (at least to this point) any of the Aldecaldos texting me and assuming that I'm looking to hook up with her. Well, barring Saul contacting me as I'm going down the train tower and, when snarky shit V justifiably comments "I ain't her babysitter," comments like he thinks V and Panam are off in a broom closet or something...

Mostly managed this by skipping the few optional conversations with Panam, or cutting short other conversations.

What really sucks is that honestly, I think Panam's an interesting character and a fun one. BUT, with CDPR actively trying to push her and V together, to the point of having her not accept the hint of taking the options that are giving her a "no," and I'll also acknowledge that these are very mild no's, as if being regretful of turning her down, rather than... y'know, genuinely just not being into her that way, I don't want to interact with her!

And I still say that the game should 100% end not with the choice of (in total) teaming up with a) the Aldecaldos, b) Rogue, c) Arasaka, or d) accepting death, all mutually exclusive, but in V being what Johnny Silverhand never could have been and bringing together all the various factions that they've worked with and assisted throughout the game against Arasaka, have V contact all their allies, and, by virtue of them having forged alliances, team up with them in a way that Johnny, being a self-centered asshole, never could.

The game needed to come down on a condemnation of Johnny Silverhand, and it honestly plays more like the writing couldn't decide who they wanted the protagonist to be, him or V, and tried to split the difference. Thing is, that's an uneven split - the way the writing works out, it certainly FAVORS V offering Johnny that second chance, and actively locks V out of options if they are of the opinion that he either doesn't deserve it or had it and blew it.

V pays for Johnny's attitude, and the player suffers for the failure to focus on V's story.

#dg plays cyberpunk

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dodger-chan · 2 years

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Life feels kind of bleak right now. And my fun fanish interests are at fairly bleak points as well. Seeing all the fun, lighter stuff isn't chasing the bleak away, so I'm going to try to get some of it out of my head by writing down my bleakest of Eddie Munson headcanons. Now they're your problem. (warning for language, fairly non-graphic sex talk, and bleakness, no good things follow)

Eddie discovered kink while doing an errand for Reefer Rick. Rick's contact met him at a club, noticed Eddie's fascination, bought him a few drinks, then tied him up and fucked him

Eddie was completely on board with everything that happened at the time. Looking back he doesn't regret that it happened, but does know it probably shouldn't have.

When he's subbing, Eddie likes to be restrained. He likes to have rules to follow, or be punished for not following. Pain can be fun, but he hates verbal degradation. He gets called enough names in real life.

As a dom, Eddie doesn't really have hard limits. He'll get off on anything his partner is enjoying. He is very good at reading his partner's responses and pushing people just the right amount.

Eddie fucking loves aftercare, both providing and receiving. It's pretty much the only physical affection he gets. Or gets to offer.

Eddie's never been in a romantic relationship. He's not sure he can be.

While there are no girls in Hawkins who would date Eddie, there is a metaphorical line around the block of girls who would fuck him if no one else would find out about it. He's fucked some of them, but it always feels kind of gross and unsatisfying. At least when the guys don't want to be seen with him in public it doesn't feel personal.

Eddie was flirting with Chrissy. At first it was just to help her relax, but he was genuinely into her. He kind of hoped they'd fuck when they got high together, but also kind of hoped they didn't so he wouldn't end up thinking of her the way he did the other girls.

With modern vocabulary and resources, Eddie might claim the label pansexual. With limited community and his personal experiences, 1986 Eddie thinks of himself as gay. If forced to claim a label, he'd describe himself with a slur and dare the people around him to call him something worse.

Eddie's never come out to anyone. His uncle Wayne is pretty sure Eddie's gay, but doesn't want to make the kid uncomfortable by insisting they talk about it. Eddie thinks Wayne finding out would the final straw that breaks his uncles love for him.

Eddie's not the only gay man in Hawkins. He's recognized a few guys from bars out with their wives or girlfriends. It pisses him off that they pass themselves off as normal.

In his second senior year he recognized one of his teachers. It took him most of the period to realize why the guy looked so familiar. He skipped that class for the rest of the year. Got a B-, though.

Eddie is flagging at school on purpose. Not to meet a guy, but because it's a way he can declare his identity publicly but still relatively safely.

Eddie starts every morning with a beer. He couldn't remember the last time he was totally sober if he tried. Every day he has to find a balance that leaves him calm enough to not disrupt class, energetic enough not to fall asleep, and mellow enough not to react to the other students' bullying. There is some leeway, and he hits that balance about 90% of the time, but it getting harder.

Eddie's only been arrested once, and it wasn't for drugs. It was for being queer in the presence of a police officer who was in a foul mood. They just kept him overnight and didn't file any charges. It was pretty scary at the time and infuriating in retrospect.

#eddie munson #stranger things #headcanons #but bleak ones

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your-average-goblin · 2 years

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Confessions Over the Biology Project 🧪

Stiles Stilinski x GN! Reader

Genre: FLUFF (like, all caps)

Warnings: swearing, as usual (what can I say? I'm a well mannered young asshole), reader makes fun of Stiles for being gay, coming out scene from reader to Stiles

Disclaimer: we can all agree that Stiles is some flavor of gay, right? Like, as a bisexual disaster I can recognize a bisexual disaster when I see one

Tropes: nerd x bully, enemies to friends

Summary: you and Stilinski were paired together by your teacher to work on a project, you didn't think it would turn into a confession session

***

"Hey, Bilinski. Come in." you told the nerd who stood in your doorway.

Stiles walked in, not even saying hello. "Can we get this over with?"

"Aw! I'm happy to see you too!" you said in mock happiness.

"Haha. Very funny, smart-ass. Listen, I already wrote down everything we have to talk about."

"Mm, this teamwork hits different." you told him, sarcastically.

Stiles rolled his eyes and followed you to your kitchen where the both of you sat down at the table.

"Look, if you want to I can do it all by myself and you can just sign your name on the poster at the end."

You were hurt, to be honest. You actually wanted to put in effort. Sure, you weren't the brightest in your class, but that didn't mean you didn't put in any work.

"Bilinski. I am deeply offended." you said and got up from your table, going to your living room and returning with a big sheet of bright green cardboard paper, a bunch of pictures you printed, colored pens and markers. "Just because my IQ is lower than your majesty's that doesn't mean I'm lazy."

Stiles looked at your materials and flicked through the pictures. "Wow, you actually know what the project is about."

"'Course I know, dickhead, who do you think I am?"

"I just never thought you paid attention!" he said, defensively.

"That's probably because you're too busy looking at your lil girlfriend to pay attention to anything else." you said, smirking.

"Oh, shut up." Stiles said, turning red.

"No need to get shy now, Miles, everyone knows you've got a crush on Lydia."

"You'll never call me by my actual name, will you?" he asked, annoyed.

"Nope." you responded with a big smile, "Now, what's the first thing on your gay agenda, captain sparkles?"

"Do you get your insults from Disney channel oor?" Stiles asked.

"Nickelodeon actually, but that was an educated guess, I'm proud of you. Y'know, Bilinski, you've always been my favorite power bottom."

"Okay, got it! I'm gay! Hilarious..." Stiles said, raising his voice, he looked more than annoyed then, he looked hurt.

That wasn't ever your intention. Stiles was fun to annoy, sure, but just because he looked cute when he was angry. You never wanted to genuinely hurt him, ever.

"Hey, dude, I didn't mean it like that-" you tried to explain, but got cut off.

"Let's just start this stupid project." he said, fetching his notebook out of his backpack.

"Stiles." you said, and that was enough to grab his attention, "Look, I'm sorry. For real, I am sorry that I upset you. I shouldn't have said those things, okay? I'm sorry." you told him.

Stiles looked shocked to say the least. "Okay. It's okay. I-it doesn't matter."

"Yes, it does! Listen, I make fun of you a lot, but it's never because I wanna hurt you or to make you feel bad. I see that my words do hurt you sometimes, so I'm sorry."

"It's not that all your insults hurt me. It's just that a bunch of people have been giving me a hard time b-because, because of... well, y'know."

"I'll beat the shit outta them." you said, bluntly.

Stiles chuckled, "Maybe don't?"

"Yes, I fuckin' will! Only I can pick on you, okay? Everyone else? Unacceptable. They can find their own nerds, this ones reserved for my Nickelodeon insults."

You both laughed.

"And hey, umm..." you said, unsure of what you wanted to say. Well, you knew what you wanted to say, you just didn't know how. It was as if you couldn't push your words past your lips.

"Yes?" Stiles said, expectantly.

Well, you were in deep shit now, might as well, "If it makes you feel any better, I'm gay too."

"Wait, seriously?"

"Yeah, well, actually, I'm queer. I haven't found a more suitable label than that. I don't know, maybe I'm bi? Or pan, like you? I just know I'm attracted to people regardless of gender." you said, looking down, a bit embarrassed, "I haven't told anyone yet, you're the first one to know."

"Why tell me of all people?" Stiles asked, curiosity clear on his face.

"Well, because I wanted you to know you're not alone." you said, then decided to add, "And because you're kinda... my only friend."

An uncomfortable silence settled between you too, you were embarrassed, maybe you shouldn't have said that.

"Sorry, that was pathetic, umm... let's just get to the project?"

"No! No, it wasn't, I just, I didn't think you'd see me as your friend. I thought you just liked messing with me."

"I'm sorry that I made you feel like that. I just thought... I didn't see that my teasing could pass off as more than teasing. I didn't mean to be a big bad bully or something, I just, that's how I..." you trailed off, what if what you were about to say was too much?

"How you what?" Stiles asked.

"How I... how I show my affection. Okay? That's just how I do it."

Silence fell between you two once again, but this time, he broke it.

"Y'know, you could try a hug instead?"

You looked at him and snorted, "That does seem more efficient, I'll give you that one, Bilinski." you said.

Both of you laughed. "Okay, let's get to that project. No more sappy bullshit for the day, and don't think that just because I was vulnerable once I'm going soft on ya, alright, shit head."

"There you are!" Stiles said, a smile on his face.

***

"Well, that was painful." you said stretching, pleased that the project was finally done.

"Oh, c'mon, it wasn't that bad." he said.

"Speak for yourself, fuck-face, you actually understand biology, unlike the majority of the class, myself included."

"Well, it's not that hard once you actually get the hang of it." he blabbered, "You just have to study more."

"Y'sound like my mom. And for your information, I do study. Well, I try to anyway. But nothing sticks, okay? Me small brain monkey person." you said, getting up and grabbing you and Stiles a Coke each from the fridge.

"Like, you can't concentrate or you just don't understand what you're reading?" he asked.

"I just think I don't know how to study. I tried rewriting my notes, repeating it out loud over and over, flashcards, but none of it works."

"We can study together if you want?" he offered.

You were really surprised, you'd think he wouldn't wanna spend his time with the person who's been terrorizing him. "Wait, for real? You'd wanna teach me?" you asked.

"Sure. Look, I don't hate you, it's just that you're annoying most of the time." he shrugged, smiling a bit.

"Could say the same for you." you said, returning his smile

Stiles took a sip of his Coke, then checked the clock on his phone. "Shit." he said, "It's 9:30. I should've been home half an hour ago. Gotta bounce."

"Oh, okay." you said.

You followed Stiles to the door and opened it for him, all while talking about the project and how you're gonna bring it so that Stiles doesn't have to carry it.

"Well, guess I'll see you at school."

"Y'know you said my name earlier?" he said, out of the blue.

"No, I haven't."

"Yes, you definitely have, you went: 'Stiles! I am so sorry I hurt you! Oh, Mr. Stiles! I'm deeply sorry I made you feel bad!'" he said, mocking your voice, while batting his eyelashes.

"Oh, fuck off, dickwad. I definitely didn't say your name, and I don't talk like that." you said, punching him in the arm.

"Ow! Yo! Again, people usually go for hugs, maybe a pat on the back?"

"But that's no fun, is it, Bilinski? Now go home, your dad's gonna whoop your ass if you aren't in bed and snoring when he gets home."

"Okay, I'll go. Don't forget the project. If you leave it at home I'll come here and shove the whole thing up your ass."

"Mm, kinky. At least ask me to dinner first!"

"Okay, I'm out." Stiles said.

"Bye, nerd." you told him.

"Don't miss me too much." he responded.

You closed the door and for some reason felt dizzy, lightheaded, and warm all over. You looked into the mirror of your hallway and saw that your face was red.

You didn't know what was happening, but you knew one thing, Stiles Stilinski was growing on you, and you hated every second of it.

#stiles x y/n #stiles stilinski #stiles x reader #stiles stilinksi x reader #stiles stilinski x y/n #stiles fanfiction #stiles fluff #stiles stilinski fanfiction #stiles stilinski fluff #teen wolf #teen wolf fandom #teen wolf fanfiction #teen wolf stiles #teen wolf fluff #fluff #fluff fanfic #fluff fluff fluff #fanfiction

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efoxkitty · 3 years

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Alright, with the first demised, let's start a game I like to call "Life or Death" (feel free to suggest a cooler name)

You can either @ someone or join in the chain. Below is a list of people who made it to week 8 and you need to say why you want them to win AND how you would like to see them die.

Let's create some cool theories, headcannons and angst :3

I'll start:

The rebels:

Scott

Win: I want to see Scott go absolutely feral. The widow takes all the oppoturnities to avenge his husband and still manages to come out on top to claim the title of survivor. The win for the gays!

Loss: I want Martyn to be the one to kill Scott. They were THE chaos duo, allies since day one and even made a potion monopoly together. The angst here is big. Especially considering that indirectly it would be Jimmy's fault, as he was the one to break this friendship.

Grian

Win: Grian deserves to win just for all the traps he tried to set up and failed /j The person who indebted themselves and died when it was too late and couldn't get out, the person with the highest kill count and the most activated tnt stats does deserve to win for all that effort + keeping Scar alive.

Loss: Being killed by Scar. Like just this one time, Scar actually wants to kill/has to kill and kills his old buddy. Or dying to Scott or Martyn, so we know who was the best green out of the red/green duos /j Dying to a fellow blue sword is the real angst :)

Scar

Win: Okay but imagine Scar, the person who everyone expected to die first. The one who was the first yellow AND red would be the last one alive. Also I stand by the headcannon Scar has intimidating aura, which is why he survives his encounters.

Loss: The obvious angsty one is being killed by Grian or his trap. But I do vibe with the idea of Scar being killed by Bdubs, who angrily lays his body in the coffins infront of the crastle >:)

Or Scar being killed by Tango. But like seriously, Tango is probably the only person outside of the rebels, who Scar genuinely cares for. And Tango could get revenge for week 6, where Scar nearly blew Tango up.

The crastle:

Tango

Win: His double, triple, quadruple agent saga was the funniest arc I've seen and I believe the wandering traitor would deserve to win, especially if him winning that Bdubs, who was the reason he died in the first place, would die. Even more justice for our boy. It would also prove the theory that being with everyone at once IS the key to victory.

Loss: Being killed by Scar. For the reasons I stated before. Or murdered by Bdubs again. Most angst potentional would be dying to impulse OR Etho, considering they had their day 1 alliance and the wool castle arrangement :) Friendship is dead.

Impulse

Win: Impulse "Be friends with everyone" strategy will be proven superior. With an army of villigers, not only has supplies for himself, but armed others for war, so they would feel confident fighting each other. He watched his allies get slaughtered and did nothing to stop it :)

Loss: Traitors get executed :) Dying to anyone from the red army for obviois reasons. Also to Tango (Revenge for his emerald execution) or Etho, again for the wool castle allignement angst.

Bdubs

Win: The guy who was being made fun of for building a small castle that looks like a toilet and has holes in it proves to be the superior builder as he builds an unbreakable fortress. He wins this one for Cleo.

Loss: Dying to Scar so Scar be like "Good thing he bought those coffins." Or to Tango or Impulse, betrayed by the only people he had left. By the people Cleo warned him about and he told her it would be fine :)

The red army

Ren

Win: The red king proves his rp is very cool and poggers and not cringe and lame like his enemies proclaim! He will lead his army and raise to the top, becoming an eternal emperor. Why be a dog, when you can be a god?

Loss: Lissen, I know it's been said already, but Ren getting betrayed by Martyn 👀 I would love to see that. Or even Etho, who would ditch them for his wool castle buddies, oh boy.

Martyn

Win: The right-hand man becomes the ruler. The king is dead, long live the king. From a simple peasant boy bringing chaos and phantoms wherever he goes, to the most powerful man on the server. Character progression is very cool :)

Loss: Dying as he protects his king from certain death. Or being killed by Scott. OG chaotic duo, I am still not over you being enemies.

Etho

Win: They burned down his tree and kicked off his villain arc. He decided to confirm the rumours about him being the hidden anime protagonist and by the power of missiles and alliances rose to the top as the lone wolf of the group.

Loss: Betrayal from the OG village folk. They build not one, but two homes together and even after all their promises and meeting, they chose to murder him. Forever abandoned :(

BigB

Win: I really like the meme that's going around of "BigB wins by doing nothing." He would win by being in the shadows and staying loyal and honestly, what an icon.

Loss: Dying to either Grian or Martyn for the "Blue sword alliance." Less sadser death: BigB tragically dies saving his cookie for the last time 07

The wildcard:

Joel

Win: Joel saying "I can choose who I will betray." manifesting again, as people fall once again for his empty promises and he watches them all crash and burn. Once again proving that chosing sides is pointless (another Ranboo kinnie /j) and choosing people is overrated. Direct contrast to BigB's strategy. Chaotic arsonist my beloved <3

Loss: I have 2 ways for this one. First is dying to any of the people he betrayed after actually allying with a faction. The second one is dying to Scott specificaly as he tries to assasinate him once again and fails for the second time xD

@pastelicious-nova You don't have to do this kiki, but I would love to hear your thoughs <3

#3rd life smp #third life smp #scott smajor #smallishbeans #hc grian #goodtimeswithscar #bigb #hermitcraft etho #rendog #inthelittlewood #tangotek #impulsesv #bdoubleo100

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browneyedmissy · 4 years

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JV: Childhood Part II

Summary: Her brother was off at college. She had to take care of her siblings. When her schoolwork struggles as a result, she made a friend who only made things more complicated.

Part one here

Author's Note: I actually had this written up already and was supposed to be part of the first half but I somehow wrote too much and Tumblr wouldn't let me post it all at once.

High school took a sharp turn for her.

Without Avi, Jackie was taking care of her siblings more while her parents were at work. She would walk directly from her school when the bell rang to her siblings' schools and then make them a snack when they got home. She was able to start her homework a bit before dinner and she would work some more afterwards to keep up.

There were days where she found herself deeply envious of her classmates. Most of them were involved in clubs after school and sometimes she longed for the normalcy. But that feeling was squelched when she got to school and saw her siblings run up to her with bright eyes and full of love.

She found a deep level of interest in biology and was able to keep up until her junior year when the workload she had in addition to her responsibilities at home began to take a toll on her.

When her parents came home and she wanted to mention something to them about taking less responsibility, she stopped when she saw the weariness in their eyes. She had watched what it was like for them as Indian immigrants who spoke perfect English but with a heavy accent to live in the United States. Sometimes while they were out, the people they interacted would not understand them and she would see her mother hesitate just a fraction of a second and before her mother could turn to her, Jackie would step up.

They had tried for years to open up the store they had back up but after all of the costs, even their combined salary had made it hard to save for what they needed to start it up again.

"We're lucky we have you, beta." Her mother had said with a murmur, smoothing the top of her head.

She would nod and feel the burning of guilt she had of being a normal high school student.

Her grades started slipping and when she saw the C on her math examination, she felt her cheeks burn especially when she noticed that her classmates on either side of her had gotten a B+ and an A-. She suddenly felt like she was an imposter, masquerading as a smart person and that someone was going to come in and kick her out of class at any moment.

"How did you learn how to do those word problems?" Jackie asked the classmate on the left. What was her name again?

"My mom has been helping me. I didn't get them at first and I know most of our classmates have tutors. I can help you after school, if you'd like." She said with a smile.

"I have to take care of my siblings." Jackie said with a grimace.

"Dev and Anika, right? My mom's one of the teachers in the elementary school and Dev was one of her students last year."

She blinked at the girl. How did she know that when this was the first time Jackie had talked to her? "Uhh yeah, I…"

"You don't know my name, do you?" The girl quirked an eyebrow at her. "We've been in classes together since freshman year."

Jackie had the decency to feel embarrassed as she shook her head.

"Alexa Chan." She laughed good naturedly and stuck out her hand. Jackie shook it.

"Jackie Varma."

Alexa gave her a grin. "I know. How about I come home with you and we can work on the homework together?"

Her siblings adored Alexa.

The first thing she did when she met them at the school was bend at the knees a little so that she could look them straight in the eye when she shook their hand. Dev's eyes had widened a little and he puffed up his chest as if he was full grown. When Ani asked if she was coming over, Alexa had nodded, telling her that she needed to tell her mom first.

Their eyes had been wide as saucers when they figured out who her mom was.

They had gone to school the next day to tell everyone who would listen that Mrs. Chan's daughter was friends with their sister and she was over at their house.

Her parents liked her as well. She was extended a dinner invitation often and her parents were happy she had found a friend who was smart and capable.

Alexa started coming over twice a week when she didn't have swim practice to help Jackie with math. In return, Jackie helped her memorize her science flashcards.

Alexa wanted to be an engineer, Jackie learned. She was good at math because her mother had taught her how to understand it since she was a kid and she liked looking for patterns. She was an only child so she liked being around her mother's students and around her siblings.

And she was so pretty. Jackie couldn't help but notice her soft her hair looked and how kind and genuine her smile was. Sometimes at night, she had dreams where they were walking down the street, holding hands and no one did a double take when she leaned over and pressed a kiss on Alexa's lips.

She shook her head. Alexa was the only friend she had made in years and she couldn't jeopardize it over a crush.

It wasn't as if she hadn't had crushes before. But she kept her feelings close to her chest, especially when she realized that she might like girls as well. Or prefer girls. The sexuality thing freaked her out because the last thing she needed was for people to stare at her for being Indian and gay.

"Hey, do you want to come watch me swim on Friday? I'm going to be swimming with the varsity team." Alexa said excitedly.

"Yeah, Avi just came home so I can ask him to watch my siblings."

"Ooh yay!" Alexa gave Jackie a hug and pulled back with a horrified expression. "Sorry, I don't think I've ever hugged you before."

Jackie felt her cheeks burning. "We're good."

"Avi, I need you to watch Dev and Anika after school on Friday." Jackie said as she got home that day, her two siblings in tow. "My friend is competing in a swim meet."

Avi raised an eyebrow as he looked at her. "You have a friend, behan?"

"Haha." She rolled her eyes. Her brother stared at her before his face broke into a grin.

"You look happy, Jaks." He observed. "Is this friend actually a friend or do you have a paramour, little sister?"

"My friend's name is Alexa." She said, avoiding the subject.

He didn't skip a beat. "She can be your paramour too."

Jackie blinked as she looked at her brother whose face had become very serious.

"I-" She glanced at their siblings who were out of earshot coloring at the table. "I might like her Avi. But she's also the first friend I've made in a long time."

"If you're willing to let her in, then it might be worth exploring."

Jackie took a seat in the bleachers, a book perched on her lap and sunglasses on. She could see the girls warming up on the other side of the pool and Alexa grinned and waved when she saw her. She said something to her teammates and walked over her direction and Jackie felt her heart pounding.

"You came! I'm so excited, Coach says I might have a chance at winning first for the butterfly heat." Alexa said brightly. "I'm up against one of the best swimmers, but I've been training hard."

"Good luck." Jackie offered a smile. Alexa offered one in return before heading back to her team.

The swim meet began and Jackie watched as people swam back and forth in the pool. Her eyes were trained to follow Alexa when she swam, the graceful arch of her legs as she jumped off the block and the way her arms moved through the water effortlessly.

Finally, it was time for the event that Alexa was most excited about. As she stepped up to the block, Jackie felt her heart pounding.

"You got this Alexa!" She shouted. Alexa looked up in surprise and smiled back before getting refocused on the pool.

Her opponent pulled ahead of her the first two laps but Jackie noticed she wasn't keeping up the quick pace. Alexa on the other hand had paced herself and was closing ranks. The last lap they were swimming in tandem and as they reached the wall, Alexa pulled slightly ahead and-

"The winner of the heat is Alexa Chan, by 0.02 seconds!"

"Yes!" Jackie shouted in triumph. She ignored the glances she got from the people around her as she ran over to Alexa who threw her arms out for a hug, her eyes bright.

And as Alexa threw her arms around her, without thinking, Jackie pressed her lips against hers. They were soft and she smelled a little like chlorine as she moved her hands to tangle into Alexa's hair-

Jackie didn't notice the stares until she pulled away from Alexa who had a surprised but pleased look on her face. She pulled back and glanced around as people turned and whispered and suddenly, she felt like she was back in 5th grade, introducing herself to her classmates as Jackie Varma.

"Jackie-"

Without giving her a chance to say anything else Jackie turned and fled.

She threw herself into her bedroom, rushing past Avi as she reached home. She ignored him calling her name and she threw herself into her bed facedown.

There was a knock on the door.

"Go away."

"Jaks, your friend Alexa called my phone and wants to speak to you."

"I'm not here."

There was a moment of hesitation before Avi said something Jackie couldn't quite make out.

"Okay, I told her you would call later. Can I come in now?"

"Fine." She said muffled into her pillows.

Her brother opened the door.

"What happened?" He asked, leaning against the doorframe.

"Nothing you would understand."

"Behan, I think I of all people would understand."

"No, you won't! You don't live at home anymore, Ani! You don't know what I'm going through and it's easy when you don't have to be around people who know and judge you anymore!"

A terse silence passed. "Do you hate me for leaving? I had to. You'll understand one day. I don't know what you're going through with your friend Alexa, but-"

"I don't want to talk about it! I'm already stared at because we're Indian and I kept my head down through that. I want people to stop staring at me and why can't I just be normal?"

Her voice broke on a sob. Avi sighed and walked over to put a hand on her head.

"Jackie…"

"Don't touch me!" Jackie jumped back and glared at her brother. "Just leave! You're going back to school soon anyways, just- go."

She kept her head down for the next few days. Avi had gone back to school and things were sort of back to normal. Alexa had tried to talk to her during class, find her at lunch and after school but Jackie had just stayed silent, staring at the board until Alexa had given up.

Jackie sighed. She missed her best friend but already there were rumors going around the school. They were nosy and Jackie wanted them out of her face.

"You've been avoiding me." Jackie had opened the door to see Alexa standing in front later that day. "Can we talk?"

"Shouldn't you be at swim practice?"

"So you can try to avoid me again? I knew you were keeping track of my schedule. I skipped it. I figured this was kinda important."

"Alexa!" Dev said excitedly when he heard her voice. He moved past Jackie to grab her hand and pull her into the kitchen. "I made a drawing of you and sissy."

Her mouth twitched as she saw the colored drawing. She held it up and Jackie saw two girls, holding hands. Jackie felt her chest tighten.

"Why are they holding hands, Dev?" Jackie choked out.

"They're best friends and they love each other." He said as if it was the most obvious answer in the world.

"I-"

"Dev, can you take Ani to the backyard for a bit so your sister and I can talk?" Alexa said softly. "Thank you for the drawing."

He nodded and took Ani outside. When the door closed, she turned back to Jackie.

"Alexa, when I kissed you…" Jackie stammered.

"I wasn't expecting it." Alexa interrupted with a smile. "But I didn't not like it. But you just ran off before I could say anything."

Jackie stared at the girl in front of her.

"I do like you." Alexa said with a shrug. "I don't know what my sexuality is. Still figuring that out. But I do know that you're smart and pretty and my best friend. And I liked kissing you."

"People saw me kiss you." Jackie's face paled.

"Let them talk."

"How are you so casual about this?" Jackie said weakly. "People are going to stare at us. It'll be just like when I was in 5th grade-"

"Jackie. People are going to talk and stare no matter what. We're different from them. Not just because of that kiss but because we're not white."

Jackie felt nausea coming back up. "I can't have people stare. I won't have it. I can't be seen with you."

Her friend blinked and gave her a sad look.

"Okay. I'm not going to fight you on this, Jackie. I know you better than to try that. I'll keep my distance. But… let me know if you need anything."

As Alexa closed the door, Jackie could feel her heart shattering.

Her grades dipped again afterwards. Alexa had been a huge help with her siblings and it was hard to concentrate, especially in math when she still sat next to her.

She started feeling angry. She was angry that she was in charge of her siblings in the first place which led her to meeting Alexa.

She was angry at herself for being a coward and not being able to take people staring at her.

"Jackie, I want to talk to you." Her science teacher stopped her one day after class. Jackie dropped her bag on the ground with a huff. "Is everything okay? Your grades are dropping in my class."

"Yup. Fine. Can I go now?"

"Jackie."

"I don't know what you want me to say Ms. Torres. I have to take care of my siblings after school because the program only lasts until 3:30 for them. My parents can't afford to put them anywhere so I have to help out. So why should I give a damn?” Jackie said angrily. “I can't do anything about it, my siblings need me. And people stare at me because I'm different but I can't do anything about it!"

“You’ve been dealt a crappy hand.” Her teacher said with a critical eye before gesturing at a desk in front of her. Jackie gave a huff before sitting down at the desk and crossing her arms. “It sucks that what you want and what your parents want for you is not the same because that puts you at a disadvantage especially against all of your classmates whose parents can do things like afford tutors and know how to get their classmates into college.”

“It’s not fair.”

The words left her mouth before she could swallow them down to join resentment buried deep down in her heart.

“I know.”

Jackie uncrossed her arms, feeling herself deflate. All the anger that she felt mixed with the exhaustion and sadness that she had felt ever since she had realized how much the world hated her when she was nine and she was left just feeling tired.

“Neither of my parents went to college and they both worked full time jobs. And I was expected to take care of my siblings on top of going to school especially as I got older. I did well enough until I got to junior high and all of my classmates started doing things like going to camp and getting tutors to help them get ahead. All of a sudden, I was the Latina girl who was struggling to compete because they had all these advantages.”

"Exactly. If it's not fair, why should I try?"

Ms. Torres observed her quietly for a moment. "Your brother said the same thing."

"Avi?"

"He was one of my first students. He gave me trouble most of the year and then he and I talked just like you did. He told me that you were going to go do advanced classes in junior high and he felt like he missed out on his chance because he had to take care of you and your siblings."

"I didn't know."

"Because he cared about you and Dev and Anika more than anyone. And he got himself together when he realized he wanted to make sure you did more with your life."

Jackie brought her sleeve to her face and it came back wet.

"Behan?"

"Hey, Avi. I miss you. And I'm sorry."

He gave a chuckle over the phone. "I wish I had recorded that so I could play it back to you whenever I needed it."

"I kissed Alexa. I might be gay. I don't know. I don't want to label it right now."

"And you don't have to. You do not have to tell anyone, unless you want to, Jaks."

"I want to go to college." Her voice trembled. "I want to be a doctor. I love science and I'm good at it."

"You go do that then." He said firmly.

"Dev and Anika-"

"Will be fine. Mom and Dad will figure it out. You need to make sure you take care of you too."

"Okay. I love you, bhai."

#jackie varma #open heart #playchoices #missywrites

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frogsandfries · 4 years

Text

Good afternoon!

We're back in McDonald's. He bought lunch and was like, since you didn't choose the most expensive option, here's a large fry. He's also on the phone with his mom. The large fry is lunch. I think the steroid they gave me is messing up my guts; I think I remember last time I took it, they asked if I was sensitive to dairy??

This morning after we left the warming shelter, we went immediately to the courthouse to figure out our rights regarding getting my stuff back. Oh, last night this dude who was probably half out of his mind tried to tell my partner, hey you don't need this and that, yada yada. This is one of the two guys who my partner was talking to Sunday morning about starting a family with me and they suggested helping. That same dude got into an argument with another guy and they both got thrown out last night.

In back of the courthouse, we stood in the parking lot walking zone debating what to do for around forty, fifty minutes, until finally my partner decided we were going to go to community action. They told us there was nothing they could currently do for us because they have little to no resources left.

We went to the library and I tried my best to chill out for a minute while my partner made more phone calls. He texted me that I should go over to the place we'd been staying till this past Thursday to meet me so I could pack it up. I did, for better or worse, end up packing outside of the apartment. Getting my stuff together and gone through enough to move outside was generally uneventful. He closed the door that was open to outside to let me into the bathroom. His cat was not pleased to have been shut in the bathroom. Can't blame her.

About halfway through repacking everything, I realized I had a ton of space in my vacuum bags, a bunch of my clothes in my partner's luggage, and he had a bunch of loose clothes in his luggage. I figured we could wrangle the clothes into the vacuum bags and the vacuum bags would fit in his luggage, and his luggage moves better. The clothing would be heavier; putting it in the bag that moves better made sense.

We had the weirdest experience with another possibly homeless dude suggesting my partner got with our former "gay" "friend" and "it's been a long time since I broke bread intimately with a woman" wtf. I guess my partner asked for his knife from me; I'm genuinely not certain here asked me out loud. Then my partner said something about it was too bad he couldn't serve in the military and this guy a) disappeared back around the corner he seemed to be hiding around, b) presumably continue to eavesdrop, c) returned and practically threw his vewwy shawp scissows on the ground on the point.

So yeah, I finished packing, we culled the free blankets, and a couple other things that just didn't make any sense.

I'm freaking out about not being able to self-quarentine. I'm freaking out about having a more or less chronic cough. I'm freaking out about never having a job again. I'm freaking out about possibly never having a place to live again, no matter how hard I fight and save and no matter how protected my money is. I'm freaking out about the election this year. I'm freaking out about the current president.

I'm exhausted and stressed. I'm upset to be on the road again so soon, trying to find the best place to hunker down for this.

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