a serious post about my experience with amin/khennya.

hi, this is a serious post. but it'll be quick since everything is explained in this twitter thread and the attached google document. (and i don't really wanna keep talking about this anymore, i wanna move on and heal.)

long story short/tldr: amin is a freak who manipulated and abused me, made me fear for my life ever since i was 15 years old. he was 18. he is going to be 20 yrs old this year, and yet he still hasn't changed. he will never change. he is an incredibly dangerous person who will find any possible way to remove the blame on him, he will find all sorts of excuses for his disgusting behaviour. he is rotten to the core. please avoid him for your own safety, he is seriously dangerous. i opened up about my story and my experience with him not because i want to stir up drama or whatever absurd reason like that, but because i want other survivors of abuse to gain courage, to be uplifted from me finally speaking up about my story. i want to tell everyone my story, so that nobody will ever have to experience something like this with amin, or with anybody else for that matter. if you have gone through similar things as i did, please do not be afraid to open up. i hope you will find courage, i hope you will have wonderful people who will support you all throughout your life. thank you for your time, i will be inactive for the following months until i'm ready to be back online again.

hii, I just want to say, please take all the time you need!! You should never apologize about a lack of something when you come first. i hope your motivation comes back, but depression really is a butt kicker. I understand how you feel. I've been in a slump for months, but I'm slowly clawing my way out of it. Sending lots of love !! 🫶

I'm still trying to find the confidence to pick up a pen again and draw or try writing again. Your blog makes me feel really inspired !! It's one of my favorites, hence why I'm in the ask box so often lolol

i was gonna ramble about an idea but this ask is already getting long so I'll split it aksjdj

- ✨ anon

Dear, sweet ✨ anon!

Thank you so much! Depression really sucks, especially when it feels like it's never ending... I hope both of us are able to get out of our slumps! I kind of move between staring at a blank screen and staring at the ceiling... like, I want to write, but my brain can't seem to hold onto anything long enough for me to. And then I feel guilty and then I end up sleeping instead lol.

It really means so much to know that my blog inspires you! That's honestly one of the highest compliments ever. I really love to encourage others and to share ideas. I want everyone to have that confidence to create art, whether that's drawing or writing or any other form. I love to see you in my ask box! Know you're always welcome! I truly believe in you and I know that you'll be able to create again soon! We'll get through it together!

I do see your other ask, just know that I'm saving it for when I can give it a proper response! I don't know what happened but suddenly I've been getting a TON of asks. And I don't want to give a short response because I don't have enough time to give my usual novel length answers lol. I figure most people would rather I pace myself with them than cut my answers short.

Anyway, I really appreciate you sending me this lovely message! I hope you're having a wonderful day! 💕

Happy Birthday to me! (17/01)

Thank you everyone on tumblr for being with me for the past year! I rarely post now because of irl stuffs to do.. but i am still here! and hopefully one day i'll find my motivation back xD

Special thanks to my mutuals for making this year better than ever <3 @metallic-scaled-scarf - @b-lizi - @mellowscrolls - @tomatotimes - @thetempleofmara ! And special thanks to @99corentine for letting me pick up my pen to draw again with GHD.

Have a wonderful day!

Hi there! Idk if you've ever answered this but I just wanna know how you got into drawing, and how you found your art style! Your art is really beautiful and I tried to get into drawing, but whenever I sit down with pen and paper I just... stare and don't even know how and where to begin. Do you have a way to motivate yourself or do you just start without thinking about it?:0

hi :-) i've been drawing for a really long time, since i was a kid, though i did stop for quite a few years and only picked it back up again in 2019/2020.

i'm actually pretty insecure about my style hahaha i feel like it's really inconsistent and it never really looks how i want it... so thank you for saying that 💗 i also don't really draw that often, i typically draw in sprints where i'll suddenly draw a bunch in one week and then not touch my tablet again for 6 months lmfao so that doesn't help with my inconsistency.

something that helped me a lot was a period in 2019 where i didn't have my tablet and ended up drawing a lot of traditional stuff (literally just pencil and paper) that was just for me in a little journal. drawing from life - just random stuff, furniture, landscapes, bottles, people, etc - improved my art quite a bit, at least in my opinion. and since it was just for me i didn't feel pressured to make it perfect so it made me try more challenging pieces and if it didn't work out it wasn't a big deal.

usually i just get an idea out of the blue... lately i've been working on specific scenes with both Noel and Merry so that's what made me want to draw them. when i figure out what i want to draw i start hunting for references - i Always draw with a reference. adorkastock is my go-to especially with all the weapon references they have, since i tend to be drawing my fantasy characters. i actually used two different adorkastock images to come up with the sitting pose for Merry.

as for my style specifically i try to find a little spot between realistic and stylized - for a while i tried to emulate a more "animated" art style which is simplistic and distinct, but now i've started to move back into a more realistic/illustrative look. i also just... stopped trying to make myself do stuff i don't like - i hate doing lineart, so i don't really do it anymore! i like how my sketches look more so now my style is a bit rough and sketchy.

and there are a lot of artists i definitely take inspiration from, i follow quite a few here and i always like seeing how other people draw this or that - there are a lot of really good artists in the IF community. one of my favorite artists on tumblr is clickbaitcowboy, who also has a few tips and tutorials on his blog (i aspire to this one day figuring out how to draw body hair...) i also really like gacpars who makes really beautiful watercolor illustrations, and my friend dani crimsiswrites has a really nice style i admire, too.

if you struggle coming up with general ideas i definitely suggest checking out other artists (for me seeing other people's art is a direct inspiration), or even just scrolling through various references like on pinterest could give you some ideas!

How do you find motivation to start and finish a drawing? Like 5 years ago, I used to be able to draw in 30 minutes and I drew a lot! But now I take hours or days and most of the time they never get finished ever

How do you do it magic man 🎤

There's nothing wrong with taking it slow! Some days I'll not want to draw at all. That's just how it is! When that happens, you take a break and do whatever else (over the entirety of Spring Break I practically never picked up my pen and played Elden Ring the whole time.)

But when I come back to a project or am preparing to start a new one, I try to get excited about it again. When working on the HC S8 animation, coming back I had to work on something that was *almost* done so I could see the results as soon as possible, which got me excited to continue animating it.

Illustrations are different for me, as usually I don't take more than a day or two to get a drawing done. I don't know how people can spend 30+ hours on one piece. My brain just can't focus on one thing for that long of a time.

My main motivation just comes from brainrot and passion. I LOVE drawing fanart and I'll jump onto whatever boat my little rotting brain has me going on.

UNDERSTAND M.E: Irate Specialist

By: Natalee Gilbert

These days, New Jersey based rapper Irate Specialist is all-smiles. The science behind his happy-go-lucky attitude stems from being positive and speaking his truth. On average most rappers speak on material goods and degrade women. Specialist, however, puts the pen to pad so he can gain traction from crowds worldwide. Because of this, Specialist overexceeds in creating relatable content. He's simply connecting people by telling his story. His album Understand M.E vouches for this. Describing his genre as positive turn up shit, the 12-tracked project Understand M.E is just that. The project comes with different vibes that caters to different people while still showing others who he is and whats made or broke him. His first album on SoundCloud is titled Don’t Sleep on M.E. For this new project, Specialist wanted it to be personal so people could actually understand him and know who he is. Specialist describes the process for creating Understand M.E like assembling a puzzle. A super fun and loud puzzle. Technicality wise, Specialist wavers in flows but keeps his rhymes enunciated. Aside from this, he throws in incredible punchlines. One being his favorite off one song, "I’m the best if you ask me/ Asshole go rest ‘tween two ass cheeks/ We’re as a whole connected through our energy." Referencing back to Understand M.E, he says "When listening you should expect to get to know me. How see/saw myself, how I see others and how I believe people should see themselves. I believe the best music is honest and vulnerable and I know many people agree. That’s why I love music."

1. The first track, "97" lets Specialist become a narrator and he uses this role to unveil his backstory. With a daunting piano progression striking fear in the speakers, Specialist begins "97" by saying this: "Birthday on a blizzard/The cold world will work with him/Producing patience and wisdom.Through growing pains and learned lessons/Mental breakdown, deep depression." As the track progresses, the piano chords demand to be heard. This one-liner solely represents why, "A quiet mind, a vibrant mind in society, it silenced him." Afterwards, a short-lived break makes way so the prophetic artist can continue his story. However, everything comes together at the minute mark. As a repetitive blare joins forces with live instuments, "97" transitions to "Hooligans"

2. "Hooligans" comes through the speakers with a knock. After glass shatters, "Hooligans" soundscape sounds more playful. Some can even say it draws from video games. In high school, Specialist was one of the cool kids, but still questioned who he was. He says, "depression on my mind was restin' while I was at school." Deeper in tune, Specialist displays different flows that come with enunciated rhymes. Ultimately, one can tell he had fun with "Hooligans" and they wonder if they're one too. Specialist adds that "Hooligan" is just nostalgia and him reminiscing on high school shenanigans

3. "W.O(ah)" is an ode to West Orange. Starting off, Specialist even says "The oranges gave me that zest, so that I can be the fucking best." Moving forward, Specialist continues to make references towards West Orange. For instance, he raps "The juiciest, stay well-dressed/ And when I'm pressed, stay positive." Likewise, Specialist takes the W after mentioning New Jersey native Samad Savage's event, Best Of Essex. At a certain time, Specialist got well-accquainted with instrumentals. Moving forward, he reminsces on those high-school days where his mind was elsewhere. After a long day, he'd go home and put on Kanye West. In turn, he'd get in his zone. Production-wise, "W.O(ah)" is boom-bap ridden and meshes spacey synths with muffled 808's.

4. On the other hand, "Paradigm" speaks about the importance of energy. Aside from this, "Paradigm" speaks on racism and how, despite our skin color, we are all the same. "Paradigm" also says that not everyone has good intentions over a spacey soundscape.

5. "B.F.G" which stands for black friendly guy, advises listeners to pick up on every word. Specialist says that it's best to be aware and optimistic. In a world of naysayers, be the one who changes their way of thinking. Society says black man equals crime, but B.F.G's are meant to break this stigma. Eventually, Specialist says they'll do their part and be accepted. His saying "why be normal?" is thrown into the mix as well.

6. Afterwards, Specialist's alternative R&B classic, “Goddesses” embraces those with black girl magic. He'd be lying if he said that he wasn't coo-coo for cocoa puffs. His main preference, however is authenticity. Regardless of his love interest's hair type, Specialist is sprung. To send positive affirmations, Specialist calls on Dianne Johnson who sings the chorus in a sweet, airy vocal range "you got it, you got it sis." He's come to learn ultimately that every woman is a goddess and it's shown in how they glow. Time and time again, he's dealt with a severed heart, but music always mended the wounds.

7. In the name of Punjabi, "Glad :D ft. Blind Eyez" begins with a snippet of a woman singing in this style. Then, the base has at it, banging through speakers with aggression. "Glad :D" comes with an intention to call out "these little rappers" that are comfortable doing the bare minimum. Rather than invest, they'd spend it on artificial nonsense like new hats or jewelry. In turn, Specialist concludes what this truly means, "So I guess they're happy that they're trash like the Glad bag." Blind Eyez matches Specialist's energy, stating hand-outs in the Garden State is frowned upon. He even goes so far as to say, "I know some artist that moved away to get more support and help themselves. You can't blame them, classic crabs in a barrel." As the track moves forward, "Glad :D" intensifies its baseline and the hi-hats become sporadic. "Glad :D" just so happens to be Specialist's favorite track. "Blind Eyez and I always are able to catch a vibe when we’re in the studio together." he says "Plus hanging out and recording with DJ Denz gives us the freedom to really let loose and have a fun time."  

8. "A Positive" draws from a melodic trap beat and Specialist applauds his positive outlook towards life. Because of this, Specialist has manifested destiny everyday. It's also safe to say his futures looking promising. "A Positive" also speaks on how positivity has gotten him far. He even advises others to do the same in this line, "Push your negative thoughts away, it's the first step you must take. It took me a while to get this way. See the work is worth the wait."

9. Last but not least, "Stop" comes with the intent to motivate others. Over a eerie trap beat, Specialist speaks on how he'll grind until he reaches the top. "Golden thoughts, Midas touch. So you know I'll never stop." His energy, to say the least is transferrable and we, too begin to feel hyped. Besides this Specialist goes in-depth about what hard work can do for you. At this point of time, Specialist says it's gained him only but the finest greenery, acclamations, and melanin goddesses. Yet Specialist gives credit to his positive mindset as well. Once the 2 minute mark hits, his voice gets deeper as he speaks about what else success can do for him. Technicality wise, Specialist uses an oscillating flow with clear-cut rhymes. He says "Stop" is just a hard ass track that he loves. "Honestly its one of my favorite tracks that I’ve made so far." 

Understand M.E also comes with comes with short interludes, “Past,” “Present,” and “Future.”

Listen to Understand M.E below and follow Irate Specialist:

1. Understand M.E:

2. Instagram: @irate_specialist