Lost TOS episode plot where Bones gets possessed by the spirit of an ancient cowboy and nobody notices for three days

MER Week 6 - Pets

Summary: Saren is the cutest little hamster in the world if you ask his owner. However, he is also territorial as fuck and he WILL bite. Grunt’s about to learn that one the hard way. Rule for the wise kid: don’t stick your finger in a hamster’s face.

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“Shepard.”

“Grunt… hello there.”

Ok… he’d bite. Who brought Grunt up?

Honestly, Alistair was more than a little confused right then. He had expected once they got back to the shuttle that he and the young krogan wouldn’t see much of each other. After all, he was pretty sure he bored Grunt – except for that first time with the gun. Yet there he was, standing in the entrance to his quarters, looking rather uncomfortable.

Was he being punked?

“Still in the elevator, Grunt.”

Bo’s voice called from over his shoulder. Much like a good son would, he shuffled to the side to allow her entrance. Even as large as she was, she was a little on the small side compared to the krogan. That didn’t matter of course – she was well versed in taking them down. It was why she had gone 25-0 in the ring back on Omega.

Well, at least that answered who let him up. Still didn’t answer anything else, mind you. Alistair was left watching as Bo sidled past her son and entered into his quarters. Luckily for him, his sister was direct: whatever was on her mind, he’d hear about it soon enough.

She looked around the room for a second. “Surprised Mandibles isn’t up here. Aren’t you two planning to- “

“He had calibrations to run.” Alistair’s cheeks flushed as he rushed to cut her off. Grunt snickered behind her – asshole. “Anyway, what’s brought you two up here? Everything alright after Tuchanka?”

Nothing like a krogan puberty ritual to get the blood pumping after all. Alistair was going to be having nightmares about that thresher maw for weeks, and that was if he was lucky. On the bright side, he was pretty sure it counted as exposure therapy. That was fine by him; he hadn’t done his therapy homework yet and with his workload he doubted it would happen at all. His therapist was understanding, but she was also a stickler. At least he had something to turn in the next time he saw her.

Much to his surprise, Grunt looked uncomfortable. He shifted from foot to foot, eyes darting around. Dare he say it, but to him he almost looked embarrassed. Apparently, krogan could do that as well as anyone else.

“I could have just looked on the extranet, Shepard…”

Bo shook her head, clearly amused by this. “What’s better than a real-world example? You asked about him anyway.”

She turned back to Alistair. “Grunt wanted to meet Saren after hearing you talk so much about him. Is the little guy awake or do we have to come back later?”

…

“You want to meet Saren?”

His gaze slid from the embarrassed krogan teenager to the wall on the far left. Even before he looked, Alistair had known. He knew the sound of bedding shifting anywhere, practically heard it in his sleep. That alone made him get up and take the trip to what at one time had been an aquarium.

Good thing for him he hated fish – it was perfect to make a hamster enclosure out of.

The theme that month was jungle. Among the scattered green bedding and wood chews, he found a little ball of white sitting next to his food dish, digging through the contents. At the sound of his footsteps, two red eyes focused straight on him, and some food went right into well-adapted cheek pouches.

Saren was a practical hamster like that.

“Hey, little guy.” Alistair smiled as he opened the enclosure and put his hands flat. A few moments later, the hamster was climbing up to rest between his palms, just like they had trained to do. Then he was out, held close as the Spectre returned to his desk. “Someone wants to meet you if that’s ok.”

Saren of course didn’t answer – much as breeding had improved, sentience wasn’t on the list of traits – but his eyes were bright and he seemed calm enough as he sat there, chewing at a seed from his pouch. These were good hamster introduction traits, especially considering who the interested party was.

Grunt didn’t look too impressed though. He gave the hamster a rather blunt look, then glanced over at Bo. When he didn’t get the reaction, he might have been hoping for, it went from pink to red Shepard.

Talk about being in the hot seat.

“Is it supposed to be so small?”

Alistair chuckled as he stroked Saren’s tiny head with his thumb. “Well, the European wild varieties back on earth are much bigger, but they max out at about a foot long. Saren’s a Syrian male, so he’s a fairly decent size all things considered.”

Grunt probably didn’t care about most of that – it wasn’t exactly new. However, his eyes never left the hamster. Saren either hadn’t noticed or didn’t care; he was too busy on chewing away at his seed to pay attention to the krogan. It was a feeling Alistair knew well.

He loved the little guy, but sometimes he ran hot and cold with affection.

“If you want to see him up close, come over slowly. Hamsters are prey animals, so he’s easily spooked.”

Much to his surprise, Grunt listened. He approached the desk slowly, eyes never leaving the small ball of fur in his commanding officer’s hands. He was interested, even if he wasn’t showing it on his face. No surprises there – kids loved hamsters, didn’t matter the species or the fact they were born fully grown and ready to kill. They just did.

“Why did you name it Saren?”

Now Alistair was chuckling again as he watched the hamster continue to chew. “You’re going to have to ask Bo about that, she’s the one who got him for me.”

Bo’s answer came quickly as she observed the introduction. “They said he was a biter and ate a cage mate. Made me think of the real Saren.”

Well, made sense he supposed…

“They eat each other?” Grunt’s tone was definitely more interested with that. Now they were getting somewhere. “That means they fight.”

Alistair nodded as he made sure Saren stayed in his hands. “Yep. They’re fiercely territorial. It’s why you have to house them separately. Hamsters kept together can fight, sometimes to the death even. This little guy had some healed scars when I got him, so he’s been through it. I guess Omega and the Citadel gift shop share husbandry tendencies…”

His voice trailed off. Grunt hadn’t taken his eyes off Saren the entire time he had been talking. There was curiosity there and a raw interest. That made the Spectre smile as he slowly brought his hands within range, eyeing his hamster’s body language the entire time.

“You can say hello if you want, he’s pretty calm right now.”

To his credit, the krogan didn’t retreat. However, there was some definite anxiety there. He briefly glanced back at Bo, and then he returned to keeping his eyes on Saren. Finally, he managed a brief nod and came a little closer.

“Do I just stick my hand out?” A finger got a little too close to Saren. Before Alistair could warn him, the hamster eyed it and did what he always did when someone got into his space without proper caused. Tiny teeth were soon chomped down hard in the classic signs of hamster bite.

It probably wouldn’t hurt a krogan, mind you. They were tough.

“Grunt, don’t pull your hand away. He’ll go with you and he’ll fall.”

The krogan shot Saren a dirty look as he watched the hamster bite down. “That does nothing to me, rodent.”

Saren, naturally, didn’t care. Alistair’s hands were part of his territory. More importantly, Grunt was big and round. Honestly, he wouldn’t have been surprised if the hamster thought he was an overgrown member of his species. Add a little fur, and he could honestly see it. He’d never say that of course – Wrex would hate it.

“He’s just defending what’s his. All he has is his teeth.” Alistair kept his voice level as he gently rubbed the hamster’s head with his thumb. “Come on, buddy, he’s not going to hurt you. You can let go now.”

After a few more moments, Saren let go. He went back to his abandoned seed, but his eyes never left the krogan. Grunt was in a similar mood, eyeing up the hamster with a rather brutal gaze. At least he had the good sense to take his hand back, the offended digit tucked away.

Bo’s voice carried over the chaos. “So… what did you learn, Grunt?”

“Don’t stick my finger in an animal’s face…”

There was a definite sulk to his tone. It was strangely cute, in a weird sort of way. Meanwhile, Alistair was just glad he hadn’t pulled back. Saren may have trusted him, but he would’ve gone for a ride. Then he would’ve had to eject Grunt out the airlock if anything happened.

Was he biased towards his hamster? Absolutely.

“It’s his way of making sure his space is safe. I used to get bit a lot when we were establishing ground rules.” He stood, crossing the room to return Saren to his enclosure in case he was overwhelmed. Much to his surprise, Saren didn’t burrow under the substrate as he often did to hide his food. Instead, he stayed on top, eyeing Grunt. “Huh… how about that.”

Grunt gave Saren the exact same look. “Your hamster’s hungry for battle.”

In another surprise, the krogan smirked. “Shepard was right, Saren is appropriate for a warship.”

Well… there was a stamp of approval he hadn’t seen coming. Maybe pigs would start flying…

Alistair at least managed a nod. “He’s territorial, it’s part of the breed.”

“Don’t sell the little guy short, he took a krogan on full force.” Bo was definitely amused as she surveyed Grunt’s finger. There was a definite scuff there – Saren had left his mark. “Damn, little guy bit down hard. The hell are you feeding him, concrete?”

Oh… just lab block, some seeds, extra protein if the mix didn’t come up right…

“He’s got a nasty bite; I’ll give him that.” And he was also done with the room – Saren was soon digging back under the substrate. “He’ll be out for a while; he has food to hide and some sleep to catch up on.”

His gaze found Grunt soon after. “Well, I hope he lived up to your expectations. If you want to come visit again, just let me know.”

“As long as you don’t try to convert him to the gospel of hamster.”

He made no promises there. Anyone who could be swayed, he would sway. That’s what it meant to have a hamster as cute as Saren.

Still, at least Grunt didn’t seem too upset about the bite as he nodded. Maybe it had taught him not to fuck with small animals -a win in his book. At any rate, it felt as though things were ending.

“I might.” And then he was heading to the door. Soon he was gone, leaving Bo and Alistair alone. As soon as he was out of hearing range, the larger of the two Shepards slumped down on his cough, doing her best not to laugh.

She did alright, but he failed miserably.

“God, that was fucking adorable.” Alistair wiped a tear from his eye as he chuckled. “I mean, apart from when I thought Grunt was going to toss my hamster.”

Bo nodded, snickering a little. “Yeah, he’s been wanting to come up for a while but he couldn’t figure out how to ask you. I agreed to be a buffer after it took him a half hour to spit it out. You might have just converted him to the dark side.”

Apparently, he was a sith now. Just because his face glowed red…

But still. Alistair nodded as he glanced back at the enclosure. He could see Saren’s tail from a gap in the bedding – he was pressed against the glass, no doubt making himself comfortable for a long nap. He’d had a long day after all – he’d just taken on a krogan.

“I think if he’s a little slower next time, they’ll get along just fine. Maybe I’ll give him a couple seeds to try.”

Baby steps, after all. Rome wasn’t built in a day and becoming friends with a hamster was just as detailed and complex. If Grunt put the effort in, he could see them getting along great. Hell, he might even get a new Saren sitter out of it.

He needed one of those. His normal ones went on missions went with him half the time.

“Thanks for letting him try. I knew Saren would be tough enough to handle him, little dude’s from Omega after all.”

Terminus system, born and bred – it was in his DNA. He’d never be as sweet as some hamsters, but that was part of his charm. It made their moments together even more special in his mind, honestly. He’d managed to get an Omega resident to let him pet him – that was a win in his book.

“Just let me know the next time he wants to come up.” Alistair returned to his desk – he still had work to do. “Now, unless you want to work on these reports…”

And just like that, he was alone as Bo beat a quick retreat out the door. He shook his head, chuckling once more as he went back to his reports. Still, he kept an eye on the glass enclosure across from him. Somewhere inside, the toughest hamster Omega ever bred was enjoying his rest. Maybe he was dreaming of fighting krogan, who knew?

One thing was for sure – they had definitely started on Grunt’s conversion to the dark side. Excellent. He had wanted an apprentice one day.

Who is the best Dead Island character?

I know the game has been out for god knows how long now (9 years) but oddly enough there is no real place to find out who the best dead island character is. So as a person who has played the game to death on 3 different consoles as well as riptide, getting every character up to max level using both fury and not fury I’m going to throw my hat into this non existent argument and finally say who is the best character in dead island. Firstly I am NOT a fan of the fury system. I never used it in the first game and only used it in the second one because I ran out of things to get on the combat and survival trees. Even now, I would much rather actually just use those trees because in the end, fury is fine, but just not my thing. So let’s make this argument based on specifically the combat and survival trees and how each character is meant to be built. However, I know people actually would be “outraged” to not hear me put my idea on who has the best rage ability so I’ll at least delve into who has the best and the worst. So for me the best is Logan and the worst is everyone else for different reasons. So the reason why Logan is the best is he can do ranged attacks and hit 2 people at one time and deal a shit ton of damage to any style of enemy. It’s just an overloaded ability. The reason why the other 3 are about even is this, Sam has to get into really close range which is fine, he will heal. Purna gets a gun which in this game, guns are actually not that great. Lastly Xian Mei is pretty frail and her weapon in general has no distance to allow you to attack the zombies. Now in certain circumstances sure, they are fine and Purna does really well against humans but your rage should probably be used on something like a hoard and hoards of humans is a little lacking and when they show up they are spaced a little bit apart and that just makes it not worth the effort when you can just aim and shoot them in the head EZPZ. Now on to who the best characters are and why. I’m going to write these in the order who I think is worst to best. A  lot of people would disagree with me on this but again, we’re not talking about anything other than combat and survival. The game isn’t hard enough on any character to really need fury and again, I personally do not like the feel of it. So with that in mind, here is the first character on our list. Purna - I can hear that anger and hate and backlash from the non existent group of people not reading this. You see many people think Purna is this amazing character because she uses guns and also deals more damage with her survival tree. I’m not so sure on that one. Yeah she does boost peoples numbers but half of that is taken away if you don’t play with people and the other part is for a gun character she kind of gets shafted. Lets compare her to the others in a sort of way. See logan, He’s kind of the person she has more power than. Logan in his normal build without taking into account his main style of play deals less damage than Purna because she has 2 upgrades total that power her main weapon. Guns. The second is she has knives which allows her to deal more damage with a rarer weapon type in the beginning of the game. Knives are in general not easy to come around at first and even then they are in general lacking in the whole “being useful after one strike” department. Sure I’m being hyperbolic on that part but still, Knives and blades kinda die easily. Yes she does have an ability to raise the endurance on her melee weapons but let’s face it. It’s all about guns. So what’s wrong with that? Well, Let’s be honest. Guns kinda suck dick in this game and to top it off they’re rare in the first act and only really show up in the second act on. Now the second part of that is ammunition is also kind of even more rare. You can make ammo in some cases but you need the items, and be later in a play through and by then, well, you should have enough chances to get ammo that you don’t need to craft it and with the dlc you can just go buy it when you need it at the “arena”. So what else does she have in her offensive skill tree? Well she has the ability to gain stamina when she kills someone, oh be still my beating heart. A gun user who can replenish stamina. What a great combo. Gets real tiring to pull that trigger I am so out of breath thinking about it. Don’t get me started on the stamina lowered when you fight a horde of enemies ability since we all know how much those guns need stamina. Next is the fact that in general she will deal overall less boosted damage from her abilities that she uses to upgrade her primary form of combat. Yes, I know she has a skill that boosts her boosts but let me get to that in a moment. She has several things like increased elemental effects on attacks, critical hit chance, decreased reload time and bullet penetration boosts. Those are ok, but are we really not using the shot gun to fight hordes of zombies or using a single bullet from a gun who just shocks people or lights them on fire? Her offensive skills lack in areas where they should be focused on guns. Yes she does have a skill that deals more damage with modified weapons but to be fair everyone does. Her survival tree is lacking as well in that she doesn’t have the ability to survive like everyone else. Everyone in the game has the ability to augment their healing. Purna? She can instant revive sometimes after death. What does this do? It cuts 7 seconds off of your wait time in death. How cool is that? It’s not. Just wait 7 seconds. The rest of the kit? Let’s take a look. Repair cost and durability is up on weapons. After I get to max level on Purna I generally stop using melee on weapons. I generally just shoot everything since I can always get ammo no problem. I will either make it with my excess stuff or I’ll but it outright. So fixing things is never a thought. All increase XP abilities are worthless and should never be taken ever. This is again one of the reasons I don’t like fury. I can get XP from missions and playing. I don’t need your dumb weapon for 10 seconds and an XP boost. She has a chance to not stop attacking but if you are ranged like a gun user would be than you don’t need it. Then you have a better chance to find rare loot and lastly, you have make, find and carry more bullets. These are her main things to use. As I said, there just isn’t enough here. (one important note to put is that she also has an ability to deal more damage to men, and as great as that is, it’s not going to win any favors. It’s great because all the special zombies are all men and half the enemies in the game are all men, and all the humans you fight, are all men. Xian Mei - Xian is a fun character to some degree and as much as I like the idea of her being an assassin/doctor I find that she still somewhat lacks. See like Sam she wants to wield 2 handed weapons because there is enough force for her to actually chop limbs off which is her main thing but we all know there are enough mods to give B the ability to also do that. So her biggest boon is actually no longer there. Her combat tree is pretty good in that it actually has things to use for Damage, Damage, and more damage. You can deal straight up damage. You can do Dots AKA damage over time with bleeding and in general poison which is what most blades do. Lastly besides her bad skills that aren’t even worth looking at she can insta kill sometimes but very rarely and she can also deal more damage to people who are almost dead. On the opposite side of the coin she heals for a massive amount of health with med kits. Almost 2X the amount when you use one. However, she does lack in this department for a reason. In general she can be harder to kill with her spectre ability but in general Med kit’s are hella expensive and a little rare sometimes. Yes you will get enough but let’s face it. You are frail with Xian and getting in super close with early game knives is not always the best. Later in the game she’s fine but her lack of defensive skill tree abilities is the main problem for her.  Logan - Logan is usually seen as the best besides Purna for his damage, But his utility is actually where it is at. As the jack of all trades he can do everything and the most important part in this game that is passed over is survivability. Yes I know Sam and Logan are kinda “easy” but here is the thing. Survival in this game is what it is about. Dealing more damage? Survive easier. Healing more damage? Survive easier. Buying and selling and getting more money? Survive easier. All skill trees are to make you better. Some just are better at it. Logan can just do all of this but not as well as Sam. But what can Logan do is the real question. Firstly he has the range down of Purna. The thing is, that I’m pretty sure he can throw farther than she can shoot. Mostly because he has a farther distance than others with his throws. Sure he can use guns, but let’s face it. Throwing is what he is meant to do and guns are better on people than zombies. His weapons are also meant to be bladed so they have a chance of in general doing a shit ton of damage as well as cutting limbs off. Sometimes you can cut a head off and insta kill a zombie. Next, he deals more damage with knives when he throws them and in general because he does one handed weapons better than anyone else. Also he can crit pretty much half the time with each throw. Now for survival he’s got it all. A chance to get back his weapons half the time and lastly he heals from one of the easiest items to find in the game. Alcohol. Now in general the being drunk part isn’t all that bad. Just stand still and you’ll be fine, and even fighting when drunk isn’t the worst. Lastly he also can have one of the highest or the highest health and stamina in the game with his ability to just outright get stats from abilities. This is why he is in second place. Sam B - Why is Sam best? Besides his killer music he has the best kit in the game. When you start out you will be finding blunt weapons easier than anything else. Sam uses those and boosts his damage for them. He already increases his weapons already high endurance. He also has one of the best and most important stats on his side. Force. Force breaks bones, and cuts off limbs, With a bladed weapon on a heavy force stat you will be shredding limbs like no other. Almost all of your important abilities are going to boost damage and endurance with your weapon making you a force to be reckoned with. However his main appeal is in his survival tree. You have built in healing. Every minute you are just doing nothing or out of combat you heal 20% of your health. It’s not a high number but it’s pretty damn good since it’s always on. What’s better is that you also soak damage up with abilities. At most you can stop a total of 75% melee damage and guns deal 78% less. That with your ability to heal will keep you going for a while. Sure it can be a little “boring” to some who in general don’t want easy mode. But we are talking about the best kit here. That’s also the main thing people would argue against this. Liking a certain kit and finding the difficulty of the game with certain characters to be what they desire. It’s fine to like the guns of Purna or the ease of play with Sam. Either way in the end all that really is important is that we love this game even through all of its faults.

THE WEDDING POST!!!!!!!

Okay, I have now watched the episode in full like 8 times and it has been absorbed into my bloodstream and I feel stable enough to finally comment on it. For the most part I loved it and it delivered nearly everything that I wanted, even if it was delivered differently than I hoped for/imagined. There were definitely some missed opportunities I thought, but there really was nothing that I outright hated and I was pleasantly surprised for the majority of the episode. Here are some random thoughts as I was watching:

- I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again - Lip chewing gum is hot as fuck

- I knew I was in for a special episode when Ian showed up in a towel followed shortly by Mickey in a towel. They have been hiding Mickey’s thicc sixpack all season and unveiled it here as wedding gift to the viewers.

- Cam’s line reading of “Mickey” when Liam asked who was going to wear white, sweet baby jesus. Why does it always sound so good coming out of his mouth?

- I love all the brother scenes. Carl clipping his toenails, Ian griping and then Carl wiping them on the floor was hilarious. Although considering it was his room, what does Ian care? But I love that he did. Very anal (no pun intended) big brother vibe there. Liam hightailing it out of the room the second Mickey walked in and headed toward Ian was a mood. The shit this poor boy has seen.

- I also loved everyone asking Ian about his meds, especially Carl. That really got to me for some reason, as did everyone giving the reason that it was going to be a stressful day. Like they weren’t asking to be assholes, they were just concerned and wanted him to have a good day. Little did they know how stressful. I liked that Ian didn’t get made, but you could still sense a tiny bit of annoyance.

- My second notice that this would be a different kind of episode was Mickey asking if Ian took his meds and then touching him gently under the chin and saying “good” in a very, very deep and low voice. Um....holy shit that was beyond sexy to me for some reason. Like I almost felt like I was intruding. The way Ian’s eyes were fixed seemingly on his chest/tattoo and then the way Mickey forced him to look up at him.  Wow. Ahem.

- Ian obviously thought it was sexy as fuck too because he yanked him by the hips and grunted and pulled him in for some more caresses. So yeah, this was a lot different than the “hey what’s up bro?” scenes we had been getting. I mean there wasn’t a tongue kiss, but I appreciated it. I also appreciated that Mickey and Ian had no problem not only seeing each other before the wedding but showering together and messing around too. Poor Carl, he needs to take not of Liam’s reaction. 

- Along these sexy lines, there is no way that anyone should find the violent biting/hitting scenes sexy. Like no way that Ian saying “you gonna make me hit you again?” and manhandling Mickey’s wrists to the ground and saying “you done?” in a softer voice while straddling him and then throwing the gun to Carl and telling him to get the cuffs, was sexy. And it definitely wasn’t sexy that Mickey finally calmed down and looked right into Ian’s eyes and nodded. Like, no way, we shouldn’t be romanticizing that shit. Okay? Ok. Ahem. Ha Ha 😅

- I could not survive Kev’s keg boot camp, but I will take his comment about Depeche Mode-loving Gen Xers” as a personal shout out because I put their song “Somebody” at the very top of my Gallavich playlist. It is the cheesiest, sappiest song known to man and my girlfriends and I would play it on repeat and get weepy in high school. And it fits Ian and Mickey perfectly and even out cheeses that Ed Sheeran song. See Gen X can do more than irony.

- Obviously I loved Mickey’s handcuffed speech, but I wish that there had been a reference to that terrible cursed episode in season 3. Not the rape, but the fact that Terry forced Mickey to marry a woman and that it basically ruined their lives and set Ian and Mickey on a destructive course. Nearly everything that they went through started with that terrible day. It was definitely subtly reference and I definitely think that Ian was thinking of it, but I wish it had been stated more clearly.

- I love that Sandy was wiling to go to jail to get Mickey his wedding. I love that Debbie was possibly willing to marry Mickey to get him his wedding as well. I definitely loved all of the Gallaghers rallying around to help.

- The tie scene was beyond cute and this was the kind of scene we have been waiting for and both Cam and Noel delivered. I love how sincere Mickey was in this episode and how straightforward and reverent this conversation was. The kid conversation, Ian telling Mickey exactly what he wants and Mickey revising his statement in response. It was a perfect statement and this scene was so intimate. I truly didn’t think we would get this before the wedding so I’m thrilled that we did.

- Why does everyone keep referencing the combination of Mickey and Ian’s genes? Do they know where babies come from? Have they read too many Mpregs? 

- I loved the shot of them first arriving and the mention of the chairs. Mickey’s “I like how the gold captures the light” made me giddy. Then the long shot of them sort of taking in their surroundings and the impact of the day. The other shot I liked was them at the alter with a bit of the “deer in the headlights” look. You got me John Wells, you sneaky bastard.

- I loved everything about Kevin this episode even if it is beyond tacky to propose at someone else’s wedding.

- I had to mute the Gay Jesus crows singing “We Shall Overcome” because ugh and cringe, but Ian having a cult at his disposal may come in handy someday. I hope he thanked them and let them glory in his presence for a little bit. I also liked that Carl and Geneva were so familiar with one another. Lol.

- All of Ian’s interactions with his siblings were perfect. I wanted but didn’t get a scene of Ian asking Lip to be best man and also a best man speech (or any speech for that matter) but the “soft motherfucker” scene was adorable and very moving. I love that the only person besides Mickey that we have every seen Ian say ILY to was Lip.  That is pretty appropriate and the kisses were sweet too. I, too, am a soft motherfucker and that swell of music to At Last got me. 

- I liked how nervous Mickey was walking down the aisle, and I was happy that Sandy was there for him. But I sort of felt that him walking down the aisle on someone’s arm was a little too “bride” for me and I think I would have preferred to see him walk down the aisle by himself while grinning and walking his patented BDE Mickey walk. But his solemnity and serious was an unexpected choice and I appreciate them going with it.

- FRANK!!!!  Oh my god that’s where my tears started. I was really hoping for a Frank/Ian scene but his tears will have to do. Wow, I just wish that Ian could have seen them. The utter disdain the two have for one another usually makes me laugh, but it felt wrong to me in this episode, at least from Frank’s side, so I was glad that it seemed that Frank’s emotion got the better of him. I definitely think that the spectre of Monica had something to do with it, but it was there.

- SPEAKING OF MONICA...wahhhhh!  My favorite scene I think. It is no surprise that it comes when Ian is watching Frank and is sitting next to Debbie. I”ve already said this before but Debbie was the perfect person for Ian to talk to about this. I love how Ian still calls Monica “mom” and Debbie still called her Monica. And she was right, Monica would have loved everything about that day. Emma Kinney did a remarkable job in that scene, and she looked beautiful. The chemistry of the actors was palpable and it was just so nice to see. I also loved Ian’s slight laugh as he felt himself tearing up and then his choked voice as he said he should dance with his husband. Waahhh. Followed by Debbie’s sweet, sweet smile and then Ian finding Mickey, who had been dancing adorably and looking around for his boy. Then the way that Ian clung to him and collapsed into him, while the perfect and cheesy song played.  WAHHHHH!!!

- Also can we give it for Debbie yet again. Not only did she miss the ceremony in order to save the day, but she missed Franny walking down the aisle.  That is commitment and sacrifice and we appreciate it!

-I had hoped for personal vows, but I am at least glad that they recited them and didn’t just say “I do.” Once again, Mickey’s earnestness and seriousness surprised and delighted me, 

- I loved Ian grabbing Carl on his walk down the aisle. As I mentioned, every scene of Ian and his siblings was character appropriate and I loved this one too.

- Them having 120 people at the wedding was kind of dumb and ridiculous, but I did appreciate how true to life the variety of outfits was at such an event. From ripped jeans to gold lame dresses LOL. 

- That last scene of them was cute too. The hand holding, the nudity, the TATTOO again and Ian’s hand hovering near it. Mickey caressing and pinching Ian’s arm, their TWO rings, the hideous room and their tired, happy, sleepy voices. Perfection. I don’t love how Terry’s murderous rage is somewhat played for laughs, but I admit that I did kind of chuckle at their expressions when they heard the tires screech and then the last shot of them looking at one another while the jaunty music cut in. It was very, very, very much like a rom-com.

So there was a lot to absolutely love this episode, but there were a few missed opportunities as well.  I mentioned the lack of personal vows/family speeches and lack of any significant Frank/Ian interaction, but other than that the only thing that really bothered me was the lack of any Fiona or Mandy mention. That was actually a huge missed statement and it would have been easy to do. I find it more believable that Fiona would miss the wedding than Mandy, but to not mention either of them was a bad move, IMO. I liked Sandy and the role she played, but she doesn’t make me forget Mandy, show. And the lack of Fiona mention just makes me think JW was being petty toward ER.  But beyond that, THEY ARE MARRIED AND HAPPY AND SUPPORTED BY A LOT OF PEOPLE!!!  HALLELUJAH AND PRAISE GAY JESUS!!!

Look, I’m serious, if I weren’t completely broke I’d be willing to bet money that Rhys is not going to be evil in Borderlands 3. Like, I love you guys you don’t need to worry about Rhys. There’s just way too much going against that idea. Like: 

-Past Borderlands storytelling and the need to appeal to the fans. Rhys and Zer0 are fucking beloved: in the past character deaths have been of characters only introduced in the same game, or of characters with less personality. Which makes sense, you want to keep the most beloved characters alive. And often when we kill characters that are more well-loved it’s because we’re forced to fight/kill despite them not actually being evil (Bloodwing, Angel, Felicity, Cassius). -Rhys’s characterization: This man is a huge dork and has never even held a gun. Even if you make him an asshole in Tales he’s never quite the level of Handsome Jack- he’s not the sort to strangle someone with his bare hands? He’d make a pretty shitty villain- like, at worst a Nakayama type who’s pathetically scared of the Vault hunters. Besides, most people who played Tales know Rhys as a kind of lovable goofball who can be a bit of a douchebag but generally isn’t out to physically hurt anyone. And tbh, that’s pretty clearly the path that you’re expected to take, the way the rest of Tftbl is set up. -Zer0′s characterization: They may be an assassin with little moral compass but they do realize characters like Handsome Jack are total douchebags, and they seem to be friends with the other bl2 Vault hunters. I don’t think they’d work for Handsome Jack 2.0.  -Evil Rhys would complicate the narrative in a dumb and unnecessary way: We already have established the main villains, and then Katagawa as a secondary villain on Promethea. Making Rhys and Zer0 also villains is just too much villany here? Besides, what motivation would Rhys even have to try to kill the BL3 Vault hunters? And how would this relate to the overarching plot? He just needs some help with Maliwan and seems quite happy to get it. And if he was evil why would he be relieved that the Crimson Raiders shows up and is hoping they have an army with them? Wouldn’t an army make things more difficult for him if he wants to kill you? -Content we’ve already seen: They’ve so far only shown Rhys and Zer0 to be “your friends”. And Rhys also has the coolest two people working for him- Lorelei and Zer0. Lorelei seems to be on friendly terms with him, so it’s hard to imagine her working for him if he’s actually being shitty. Also from the first trailer it looks like Rhys has a bigger role to play in helping the Vault hunters?  -Vaughn’s in the game. First of all, Vaughn still considers Rhys his “bro-bro bro” in CLaTFFS. If Rhys had shown any signs of going evil he’d probably be questioning that friendship? Also imagine them making Rhys go evil and get killed and Vaughn just being like “okay you just killed my all-time best friend that I’d do anything for but ok I guess he was evil so I’m fine with this”. It just seems weird?  -The whole thing I mentioned before where capitalism is treated like feudalism- CEOs are basically kings in fantasy stories? No peasant is questioning having a king provided that king isn’t purposely going out and being SUPER evil. Like Borderlands shows capitalism as an institution to be evil, but the Borderlands universe is so entrenched in it that there’s pretty much no chance that anyone is going to consider the concept of socialism, lol. And it certainly doesn’t treat individual capitalist characters as automatically evil.  -It would just be really bad “having a twist for the sake of there being a twist” writing. Which is great for tv shows that care less about a larger story but want to get more attention so people keep talking about it and watching it week to week, than video games that already are drawing you in with promises of a fun story and good gameplay. A good Borderlands twist is “oh Angel was misleading you in the first game and works for Jack and is an actual person” because it justifies her place in the first game, explains Angel as a character, and gives her a real place in the story rather than just a mostly detached mysterious guide. A pretty bad Borderlands twist would be like, “oh this character you love? EVIL.” like what they did to Dany in GoT because they wanted to defy expectations because at that point GoT’s writing was predicated on unexpected twists to keep people talking about it rather than good storytelling. -Rhys and Zer0 standing in front of a one-way fast travel is evidence of nothing. They might not actually ever do so in game, or there might be a boss fight that they show up to meet you after you finish it- or this might be a pre-boss fight encounter. How is Rhys going to be a remotely good boss fight? He’s not a fighter. Even Zer0 seems awkward to design a fight around considering their combat style- it’s more fitting for a regular enemy like the Guardian Spectres. 

An Annotated Mass Effect Playthrough, Part Two

Aliens!  Exposition!  Guns!  Explosions!  Kickass Ladies!  Betrayal!  So much death!

Um, this got long. Sorry not sorry.

List of Posts: 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

The first thing Mass Effect does after coming out of the introduction is assure us that yes, we have aliens 

and we have hot guys (and hot aliens, if you’re into that sort of thing.)

They should have made an advertisement pointing out these things just for me so I would have paid release price for this game.  Ah well, I’ve bought it on 360, Steam and Origin now.  They have my money.

We’re going to make it most of the way through Eden Prime in this post.

One thing Mass Effect does a lot of in the beginning here is exposition.  There’s a lot to learn about the state of the galaxy in 2148, and there are people there to make sure you learn about it.  Jeff and Kaidan only do a little bit of exposition, you learn about Nihilus, a tiny bit about Spectres, and that Captain Anderson is badass.  I wish this scene actually lasted longer -- this is the only time we see Kaidan away from his Orange Corner (or that other orange wall) on the ship for awhile.  I guess there’s the conference room, but still.  If they ever do a remaster, please Bioware, let the companions move around the ship like in ME3 and give our boy better lighting.

I love the flow of the Normandy SR1.  It feels the easiest to get around in since it’s so much smaller... except when you have to get on the elevator.  I also love the dark theme.  The ME2 SR2 always feels so... blinding.  The only thing I miss from the SR2 really is my decked out Captain’s quarters.  I mean does anyone even ever go into the ME1 quarters except to get the one codex entry until it’s sexytime?

I do like ME1′s use of ambient conversations, you get to learn a little about Pressley and Jenkins before talking to them.  Those conversations, though, are just such exposition dumps.  I think they do it fairly well, but there’s so much to remember.  Both Jenkins (with Chakwas) and Pressley really harp on what and who Spectres are, pretty sure even before you talk to Nihilus you have an inkling you’re gonna eventually be one.  

I honestly wish we had more actual interaction with Pressley than what we get here, he has very little to say after this point.  Another hope for a remaster.

This kid Jenkins, he’s got a good career ahead of him if we can tame his hot-headedness.  That’ll be his role in the game, I’m sure, the kid you mentor and grow into a reflection of you.  Good to know he’s from the planet we’re heading to, I’m sure he’ll be a valuable source of information there.

Having played a lot of World of Warcraft, and I mean a LOT, from the alpha, then release, for the next two or three years, the fact that his name was Jenkins was actually a bit of a hint for me even then.  But more in the “Wouldn’t it be funny if...?” and then he did.  Nice. 

I’m really glad Chakwas gets fleshed out a little more in just the one more conversation after this one and in future games.  Because there’s not much to say about her here.

Whew!  Exposition over, right?  We’ve learned about Spectres, the First Contact War, about Eden Prime, that we’re in the Alliance, that there’s Turians and a council that governs things and... we’re good, right?

Wait, didn’t Anderson say he was already with Nihilus in the conference room?  Where’d he go?  What a bro, to step out and let Nihilus make a big turn-around moment of introduction to us.  Okay, more loredump.  Cool.  Really getting the concept of Spectres now, for sure, especially from this guy, who is one!

Finally, Anderson.  Just in time to tell us about Spectres, and Eden Prime, and now it’s time to learn about the Protheans.  Whaaaaat?  You want ME to maybe be a Spectre?  I’m shocked! 

Oh sorry, Annakie just flew through time from ME3 to stare into the camera incredulously.

I’m sure that this will be a decision that will be deeply impactful through the entirety of the rest of the series.

But here we learn about Protheans, and they lost me a bit on that one when we first played the game.  Who the fuck cares about what happened 20,000 years ago?  THIS IS THE FUTURE!!!  We’re in SPACE!

Well, we wouldn’t get away from the Protheans so easily.

Oh what the FUCK is that thing?  You’ve hooked me right back in.  Tell Alenko and Jenkins to suit up?  LET’S GO.

You guys... ALOV is so good, and so pretty.  And these screenshots look shittier on tumblr!!  Look how clear these movies are now.  And these are just 720p!   They’re working to upscale them to 4k!  Again I say, all hail the modders.

Still, that giant red spot doesn’t look so good for the people living there...  

I’m sure it’s fine.

We’re all suited up, but sadly the super cool alien isn’t coming with us?  Didn’t he say he was here to follow and observe us?  Well, he knows what he’s doing.

Anyone else already willing to die for Anderson fifteen minutes into this game?

The sky is supposed to be that color red, right? Right Jenkins?

As cool as this level design is, also something that could use improving.  There’s like... no housing here?  Just a bunch of tall towers on the ground all really realy far apart from each other?  You’re on a new planet and everyone lives inside a giant tower?  I mean, good for preventing Urban Spawl I guess.  I’d love to see a more populated Eden Prime.  Even in ME3 we just saw a small dig site and more towers in the distance.  

Anyway, better level up.  Jenkins is young and needs some training if he’s gonna survive this mission!

Here we go, show us what you’ve got!

Shit.

My first time through, I truly thought I’d fucked up and probably reloaded this fight two or three times before accepting he was just... supposed to die.  And then I remembered his name was Jenkins, knew it was intentional, and laughed.  

Honestly, it’s a great fakeout with making us feel like Jenkins is important, and then having him lose the battle right away.  ME1 is pretty brutal that way. It’s a good way to signal that this game is probably going to rip your heart out, so get used to it.  

Shepard and Kaidan have a moment, and I like this because it’s really the first time I think you can really start showing who your Shepard is, with how you react to Jenkins’ death.  Either way, I like it that she tells Kaidan that we need to focus.  I also love that, though we don’t get to see a moment for Jenkins from here on out in ME1, that they finally gave his memory a moment in ME3.

I love Flycam.

What. An. Entrance. For. Ashley. Williams.  

Bioware, give us Ashley and Kaidan living in a Mass Effect Remaster, please.  I will pay $100 for this DLC.  (I know, I KNOW.)  I have only played through with Ashley living all the way through once.  I’m sorry Ash, I love you.  I just... LOVE Kaidan.

But hey that’s HOURS away.   For now, she’s with us, and she’s amazing.

Sorry, I just caught several great images from Ashley’s intro and thought you needed to see them.  It’s gonna be a miracle if tumblr lets this thing post.

This is fine.

Uh, I’m not the only one who still sometimes dies on Eden Prime because I can never remember how the controls work until like, the end of the planet, right?  “CRAP,  WHICH BUTTON IS MEDIGEL?”  “WHY ISN’T THE SQUAD RESPONDING TO GOING WHERE I TELL THEM WITH Q and E?”  “Shit shit shit gotta reload OH FUCK JUST THREW A GRENADE SIX INCHES AWAY.  WHY IS THAT MAPPED TO R?”

Grotesque and yet...  great visuals.  This is when you realize these Geth aren’t playing around.  This is Bad Bad.

Iiiiif you also used to always punch out Miguel and then like awhile later realized how shitty that was and now know that the “Geinuis is the other side of the coin of Madness” speech here is also really shitty... raise your hand.  Especially since Miguel is, you know, right.   Anyway, do better on a remaster, Bioware?

The one good thing here was the “Thank the Maker” at the very beginning of the encounter.  I want Shepard to visit Thedas.  Give us this DLC, Bioware!!

Oh Nihilus, you were too pretty, and trusting, for this world.  

Bioware, again, in the remaster... please go with your original plan and not make Saren all Gethed out this early.  I wish that could be modded away.  It’s so distracting to have him be OBVIOUSLY HALF MACHINE and everyone being like “Saren?  Working with the Geth?  PREPOSTEROUS!!”

Got some AMAZING screenshots of Sovereign taking off thanks to Flycam.

Also, this is just such an OH SHIT moment.  Look at that thing! It’s terrifying!  Also it’s easy to miss if you’re looking the wrong way, this maybe shoulda been in a cutscene. But even so, when you see it, it fills you with SUCH DREAD.  They do such a great job of amping up the tension and drama and mystery bit by bit on Eden Prime.  Giving you bits of the greater story and also feeding you pieces that will eventually come together, but not for awhile.  

I followed Soverign as long as I could before he disappeared.  Got this far away from land.  The actual spaces in the game are huge, but we’ll get to more of that later.

Congrats!   You all survived!  For uh... about two and a half more years?

Can’t believe we can’t loot the Spectre’s body.  

Also... the luckiest dock worker in the world.  I can never yell at him for sleeping on the job.  It’d be hilarious if he showed up alive on Horizon in ME2, and like Haven in ME3.

This is the guy that usually kills me.

OK, this is ridiculously long already.  We’ll finish up Eden Prime and get to the Citadel next time.

For Your Eyes Only - #24WeeksofBond

This week we travel back in time to 1981 with “For Your Eyes Only” - also could be known as “When Bond Came Back to Earth”.  Roger Moore’s films had been getting a little cartoony and comical, and then they put Bond in space with “Moonraker”, essentially jumping the shark.  They had taken Bond as far as they could take him, and now they needed to bring the series back down to earth and give it a fresh coat of paint.  “For Your Eyes Only” is a story of two governments vying for the same prize while also being a tale of revenge.  This movie has its moments, and plenty of layers - but in my view, just misses the mark on excitement.

Roger Moore is back in the saddle of Bond, only because they couldn’t find a replacement.  Moore was having his reservations about playing the role due to his age, and after his original contract expired after “The Spy Who Loved Me”, Moore signed a film by film deal, where there were essentially no strings attached.  If they felt that they needed Moore, and if Moore wanted another payday, then we got Moore Bond. (see what I did there?). You definitely start seeing Moore’s age more noticeably starting with this movie - but he’s still not “A View To A Kill” old yet so we are still in the clear. 

What I do like is how they used his age here.  After meeting a young olympic skater in training, she starts smitten with Bond right away, and Moore plays the uncomfortable and awkwardness perfectly.  Moore was an excellent eye actor.  His ability to clue you in on Bond’s inner thoughts by acting with his eyes is something I’ve always appreciated with Roger’s movies.  As they say in comedy, less is Moore...(ok, I’ll stop).  But one of my favorite moments in this film is when the skater Bibi (Lynn-Holly Johnson) is in Moore’s bed inviting him for some good times, Bond says in such a Roger Moore way - “Yes well, you get your clothes on...and I’ll buy you an ice cream.”  That line makes me chuckle literally every time.

Let’s talk about this pre-title sequence shall we?  In one of the more memorable scenes in this rather un-memorable movie is the opening.  Lots to unpack here.  We open up with Bond at Teresa Bond’s grave, his one and only true love.  This is again, one of the rare through lines throughout this franchise.  We know how Bond’s parents died when he was a kid, we know SPECTRE, and we know Bond’s wife was killed.  So here we are with Bond Moore-ning his late wife...(that was the last one).  He is told that MI6 is coming to get him via helicopter.  Bond gets in only for the helicopter to be hijacked by a familiar bald head.  Blofeld makes a random appearance here after not being seen or heard from since “Diamonds are Forever”.  I always found this odd.  But anyway, Blofeld takes over the helicopter by remote control to have some fun at Bond’s expense.  But Bond manages to get to the driver’s seat after hanging on to the side of the chopper as Blofeld is trying to knock him off.  It’s a wonderfully intense scene.

Bond gets to the driver seat, and this is where Blofeld always manages to muck it up.  This is why Blofeld never took care of Bond, because he lets him GET TO THE DAMN DRIVER’S SEAT!  Bond takes control and scoops up Blofeld (who is in a wheel chair with a neck brace for some unknown reason) and dumps him down a huge chimney.  Now story has it, they were not legally able to use Blofeld and SPECTRE anymore because Kevin Mclory (the Thunderball producer who you can read about in my Thunderball blog) owned the rights to them because of his legal victory in obtaining the rights of the Thunderball story.  How annoying is that?  So they never say his name, and this scene was meant to be a statement to Mr. Mclory that they didn’t need those characters anymore and that they were literally dumping them.

I thought maybe this time around, I would discover a connection between that scene and the rest of the film...but no.  That opening is humorous and action packed, but it’s all for nought because it has nothing to do with anything.  The real story begins with a naval fleet that has an “ATAC” being attacked by an unknown source.  This ATAC is an important control unit that is able to fire ballistic missiles where ever you want.  If fallen into the wrong hands, it could be a disaster.  Of course Russia is involved, and they are trying to get it along with England.  

But another layer to the story is that a man in Greece, who was contacted by MI6 to get it, is gunned down with his wife in front of their daughter who ends up being Melina Havelock (Carole Bouquet).  They really had an opportunity here with Melina.  She had a dark, and dangerous look and strapped her with a crossbow after she witnessed her parents die.  These were the ingredients for a DC Comics type superhero.  I think they wanted to make her full Green Arrow, but were maybe afraid to go too far away from the damsel in distress type that Bond girls had a reputation for.  She has these moments where she attacks from the shadows, but still cries for James when she’s in trouble.  The balance is just off, and it makes the character weaker than she should be.  Not Carole’s fault, just poor writing.

Bond goes to Greece where he meets Kristatos (Julian Glover) who tells him the man who payed off the guy who killed Melina’s father was is working for a man named Columbo (Topol).  So Bond starts to dig more, but keeps getting hunted down by men trying to stop him from the truth.  Almost everyone Bond comes into contact with in this film ends up dead.  Something is going on and Bond is forced to have eyes in the back of his head.  We get some fun scenes along the way here with a car chase where Bond is driving a ragged Beetle, and a fun ski chase with awesome “Shaft” style music.

Bond kills Locgue (the man who payed the parent assasin) and is now on the hunt for Columbo.  This movie is like a video game where there are all these different levels, and every level has a boss.  Bond is now ready for the “big boss”; the Bowser or Gannon, if you will.

But Columbo finds him and convinces Bond that Kristatos is the real Bowser.  Topol is great in this movie, he was primarily known for his broadway career, but he is able to bring all that charm to the screen and does a wonderful job of making you love him.  Bond and Columbo are now working together and they go to infiltrate Kristato’s lair.  This scene also gives me the willy’s.  Bond has to be an epic mountain climber, but gets caught and kicked off.  We see Bond free falling like Tom Petty until his rope catches him.  That’s the stuff of nightmares there.  

Anyway, they storm the castle, kill Kristatos, and destroy the ATAC so nobody has it.  Leaving no country to worry about them using it against any other country. Yay.  Feels like a pretty hollow accomplishment at the end.  But at least we get a funny parody of Margaret Thatcher speaking to a parrot who she thinks is Bond.  Not sure how accurate the parody was back then, but I’m sure it got roars of laughter?

To me, while we have a decent amount of action like the yacht scene where Kristatos is pulling Bond and Melina through the shark filled waters - the film falls short of any color what so ever.  This movie is littered with forgettable characters and villains that don’t leave you as the viewer feeling invested.  And while the plot may be deep and layered, the execution of it is just sleepy and un inspired.  This sort of begins the twilight of the Moore Bond films, and little did the producers know that they would get two more films out of him.

Well that’s it for me this week.  What did you all think?  Let me hear you!

Reviews from Friends:

Jake Benrud

The Blofeld scene is comical. He could have killed Bond so much easier than that. His downfall is he lets him get out of his sight and assume it all goes according to plan. I guess that's the story with any Bond Villain. Similar to Dr. Evil's, "I'm going to leave them alone and not actually witness them dying, I'm just gonna assume it all went to plan. What?" This one I don't understand why the Olympic skater was infatuated with Bond. He's so old in this one. Also, that's possibly the worst car anti-theft system ever.

24 Weeks of Bond will return next Monday with - 

The Man With the Golden Gun

JOURNAL 3 BLACKLIGHT EDITION REVEALED! (Part 2)

Time to come back where we left off last - GHOSTS! I know you ain’t afraid!

Ghosts!:  [All the ghosts in this section glow. Nice touch!] Underneath a photo of a stereotypical ghost it says “Written on a tombstone:  Man once thought that death’s release offered a permanent peace. But these ghouls, bold and hearty, prove that there’s an after-party.” I don’t know whose tombstone that was, but damn, I want that as my epithet too.

Category 1:  “Ugh! I thought I ditched this guy at Dan’s cabin, but he has followed me home! Just go away, YOU ANNOYING LITTLE CREEP!!!!! No, I don’t want to bake brownies and have a tickle fight! How does that even make sense?! You have no body to tickle!!”

Category 1 adjacent page: “Discovery! Apparently, shining a black light on ghosts results in crypto-translucence, revealing the secret horrors within! Never invite a ghost to a rave. This one is scarier than I realized!” I dunno, Ford, I still think it’s cute! He’s like a little skeleton baby! Aww!

Category 10: “PRAY FOR MERCY!” [There is a drawing of a thin man in glasses over the cloaked spectre. It’s very underwhelming.] “I saw this category 10 once more, but this time I had my black light handy! Not so scary without his cloak! This guy should spend less time reaping and more time at the gym!” Ford…do you go to the gym? (I kinda assumed Ford didn’t start getting buff until he hopped dimensions…) Still I’m pretty sure that his ghost-powers could kill you, you know…

Edit: Forgot to add - the “What Does it MEAN?” page has all the creatures + the question mark glow!

Edit:  I missed a page here previously (they stuck together):

Right page of Truth Teeth: “NEW DISCOVERY! That abnormally hairy mailman doesn’t deliver mail on the full moon! And unlike most mailmen, he seems to get no harassment from barking dogs. Does this mean what I think it means? I may need to load up on silver bullets just in case.” 

Guess Soos was right after all!

THE LAPTOP’S PASSWORD WAS STANFORD. I CAN’T BELIEVE MY FLIPPIN’ EYES.

“These secret messages written using my black light technique are hidden so well that even my most determined enemy won’t be able to find them! (Except for maybe the bumblebeast, a honey-hunting mutant bee with eyes that can see every kind of light on the spectrum.)” [The bumblebeast resembles a scowling mutant bi-pedal bee with tiny wings and one pair of big beefy arms (and a smaller insect pair beneath them)] “STAY AWAY FROM MY HONEY!” Don’t bogart your honey, Ford.

There’s also something unusual that I have to point out – on that same page, there seems to be a sort of…maze like drawing. If you turn it sideways, it looks like a factory. I THINK LETTERS ARE HIDDEN IN IT? I’ll into it later on.

The Codes page:  It actually tells you the cryptogram and meaning of each kind! Cool!!!

But then, of course, there’s something secret on the bottom of the page. A vinegere cipher with the key TRICKY. “The most impossible thing to decode is human social behavior.” [my picture of this was poor and I could not make one better. I’m sorry.]

The Plaidypus! “How to catch a plaidypus:

Dig a hole, fill it with sawdust and/or ham.

Make a plaidypus mating call. It sounds exactly like a bearded man’s deep hearty laugh. You may need to wait until after puberty for this step.

When the plaidypus falls intot he hole, throw pine needles at his face. This will make him sneeze hard enough to shed his pelt.

He will be frightened at this point. Hug him tenderly for an hour to get him to calm down. Kiss his forehead if necessary.

Release! You now have a plaidypus pelt! Perfect for warm jackets, warm socks, or warm tea cosies, if you’re into that sort of thing.”

Ok first off FORD, it’s spelt “cozies”. Secondly, what do you have against them??? They keep tea hot and drinkable! Mine has kitties on it. It keeps my Bill Teapot all nice and toasty, even in the winter.

Island Head Beast page:  “Head of household? I don’t think so…” [Shows a masculine island head with a pipe and newspaper and a frustrated scowl; a feminine head with old-fashioned hair-curlers and an androgynous younger head are seeming to yell harshly at him.] 

Island Head adjacent page:  “F’s x-rays of the lake revealed this family of horrifying heads dwelling underneath the surface. Although their words are indecipherable, their unhappy marriage is clear in any language.” Pointing at the glowing heads is the caption “More refugees from the weirdness dimension.”

So, question – is this Ford’s interpretation of what they look like based off the x-rays? Or is it an accurate reproduction? We may never really know…

The Hide Behind page:  has “LOOK BEHIND YOU” spread all across the page, with glowing footprints leading to the drawn pair. :)

Cow Circles page: “I’VE DONE IT! I’VE CRACKED THE CODE! By arranging the cows together, I discovered that their interlocking symbols created a message! According to my knowledge of alien hieroglyphics, the message reads “Come to Glarbo’s Intergalactic House of Pancakes & Weapons! Come for the breakfast, stay for the dark matter hypercannons!” So, that’s it. An alien pancake house. The thought that Earth is being used for extraterrestrial advertisement depresses me deeply.”

Radioactive barrel/The Memory Gun pages: “He used It on me! I’m certain! Memories are returning of my assistant using the ray on himself, then zapping me to cover up his actions!” 

[There’s a glowing doodle of Ford’s head being zapped by the gun.] “I’ve had dreams of F wearing a red hood, watching me from the shadows. What if those weren’t dreams?! I believe he hired construction workers to help him build the portal, then erased their memories to keep the job secret! And erased mine, too, so that I wouldn’t chide him for taking the risk! This is all my fault! I should have DESTROYED this GUN WHEN I HAD THE CHANCE!”

The Palm Reader:  “The fortune teller was right about everything. I should have looked at the cards more closely when I had the chance! These were the ones I remembered. Something was so strange about them… As thought they were showing me something I wasn’t yet ready to see….”

[I hope you can see this page, because it’s AWESOME. Four people are drawn over the cards shown – Waddles, Mabel, Dipper, and Wendy. Above that, there are two cards, one of Mayor Tyler, and another mysterious one that I can’t make out. Below all this is five cards – Gideon, Robbie, Soos, Pacifica, and Gompers. It’s an amazing sight:

Waddles – Time & Space

Mabel – The Sun

Dipper – The Moon

Wendy – Death

Soos - Justice

Gideon – The Magician

Robbie – The Fool

Pacifica – The Empress

Gompers – Judgement

Mayor Tyler – [UNKNOWN]

The “mysterious card” seems to be Old Man McGucket, as evidenced by his bandaged foot. It’s literally all we can see of it, though.]

See you in Part 3!

[Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3]

This is not spoiler-free

I finally saw Yuukyuu no Toki today ! I had a seat almost at the very back of the hall but I still had a pretty nice view of the whole stage. And given how small the hall was, I'm happy I got a seat at all^^ Sambart93 already posted a pretty detailed summary of the stage so I won't go into that much detail about the plot. (Especially since I usually watch Messiah DVDs with my dictionary, so it was harder to follow live XD)

I don’t have a scanner but I’ll see if I can find a good scanner app to share the pamphlet pictures. They’re gorgeous.

Yuukyuu was better than I expected, but I didn't expect a lot to be honest. The "new" Messiah series hasn't convinced me so far. I thought Akatsuki and Polar Night had too many plots with little impact on one another, too many characters, and consequently a lack of focus on character development. I found many returning characters OOC, too. And I liked about half of the new characters^^

BUT I thought Yuukyuu actually did better ! There are still too many plots and too many characters, but at least there was some sort of link between them all. Like Ariga and Itsuki's graduation mission is to kill Ichijima, who is pretending to ally with the Hanged Man, who's based around the Tower of Babel, which is the target of a more general Sakura mission. And the two runaways have a way to hack into the Tower of Babel. Cheka also associating with the Hanged Man was... weird, but given how he ended up in Akatsuki I can believe it. The only thing that felt really out of place was Salyut looking for his father among the Spectres. Like, why now and not while he was working with Cheka ? Why does he have a partner if it's not an official mission ? What's the link with everything else ? I'm sure we'll have answers later, but that's also a thing with the new Messiah : they're too aware they're a series and are bad at foreshadowing ans cliffhangers. In the previous series, while stories were evolving, each stage was a complete story. So yeah, not that it important, but it felt very random.

And despite having too many characters, I thought most of them were well developped. Returning characters did not feel OOC this time ! (Especially Ichijima. I had been so disappointed in Akatsuki and Polar Night despite him being like my second favourite character.) Yugi and Mayo-sama got just the right amount of cryptic discussions to be interesting and likeable while I really didn't like them before. Hinamori's introduction was so, so, so random (almost like Ichijima pulled the first guy passing by and decided he'd be Kogure's Messiah XD), but he had a great personality and Yamamoto Ikkei was so good at playing him, I loved him instantly. I think he and Kogure have great potential to work together !! And I also liked Kogure starting as his usual self and slowly losing it throughout the play ! That gave him depth he didn't necessarily have before. Kuroko and Dr Three were good surprises too. I've been gradually warming up to Kuroko but in general I just find him cringy +_+ And here I think there was just the right balance between comic relief and actual character. He was a great leader for Sakura and I was glad to see Ichijima acknowledge that ! (Actually they were pretty friendly with each other in this play, I was surprised.) Dr Three was still mostly the same character, but I liked that he eventually played along with Kuroko's antics ! He did feel like that kind of character before, and I'm glad he's now allowed to be a bit silly too. Finally, I expected to not care about the two runaways, but they were very very cute. They felt like stereotypical shounen protagonists, though, with their promise from long ago of one day leaving the island together XD I'd be ok with not seeing them ever again, but they weren't the annoyance I feared. I think they were also portrayed very well, because I felt a lot of things from them despite them not having too much stage time. (I was delighted to see Murata Mitsu, but I'm 0 % ok with the plot twist of him actually being an old friend of Ariga =_=)(But that's me generally disagreeing with every new Messiah story XD)(That's a trend they have now where everyone is related to everyone and just NO.)(And having Ariga kill him, even with Itsuki, goes against all the character development he’s had since he killed Mamiya ! He said NEVER AGAIN ><)

Actually, in addition to the "everyone is related" terrible idea, they should really leave alone the people who are gone. Like why did Mamoru and Kaito have to have helped several times in significant ways during this stage ? Aren't there MORE THAN ENOUGH CHARACTERS who could do the job ? And just STOP WITH MAMIYA. Mamiya had an amazing story with a great conclusion, I loved it, but they're really destroying everything that was great about it by just adding and adding. Itsuki trying to play the violin was both OOC and extremely cruel. Good thing he got shot before he could really play, despite it meaning that Ariga has now shot ANOTHER violin-playing Messiah T__T

Other random things I wrote down :

- At several points during the stage I laughed because I wanted to do the Messiah drinking game where you finish your drink when someone should have died from gun shots XD There were SO MANY people who were shot at close range in pretty vital areas and still survived. Sometimes still stood and talked. Special mention to the Hanged Man, who was double shotted by Itsuki and Ariga and still got up to talk then shoot himself XD Honorable mentions : Itsuki, Ariga, Kogure and Mayo-sama ! (And maybe Ichijima. My goodness, my heart stopped when I thought he was shot dead +_+)

- Ichijima and Kogure went full CLAMP on us, with the only important part of their discussion being whispered in Kogure's ear >o< But omg I was so impressed, because from the beginning there were people speculating on the internet that Ichijima and Kogure were related and I was just rolling my eyes like "Come on, just because he has glasses..." AND YET ! That's what Kogure wanted to ask Ichijima O_O And it was obvious enough that Ichijima guessed it O_O

- Hinamori stole the show for me XD Instantly. And yet his first appearance has him getting into a face-grabbing match with Kuroko XD (He called him Momose-chan and that was the cutest thing ever, too.) I'm forever sad I didn't get exactly WHY he resented Ichijima, though T__T Well, the DVD and my dictionary will be there in due time XD

- Yugi and Mayo-sama managed to break my heart in one conversation. With Yugi saying god doesn't exist and he wants to kill the 'divine child' who lead the cult he was part of. I didn't think he'd open up that much. And Mayo looked so so depressed, but also relieved, because he wants to be killed by Yugi >o< I don't know why him specifically, but apparently Mayo is tired of the fact that he can't die, an interesting twist for a guy with the same curse as Eiri. (Though in Mayo's case it might be litteral XD)

- At the end of the play I almost thought Ariga was really going to kill Ichijima, but then he beautifully mirrored the scene at the beginning when Ichijima spared and recruited him <3<3 Amazing. Thank you Ariga.

- During the play I kept thinking "well Murata Mitsu isn't that tall actually, Nakahara Yuuya and Izawa Yuuki come really close". Then when they were all lined up to bow, I realised that no, he is really really tall, more than anyone else XD

- Itsuki and Ariga's post-graduation outfits were super cool. I loved Ariga's flowing coat and Itsuki had a nice wild style. That made the girls next to me feel better, because during the second half of the play they were all crying XD (I wasn't. But I was gasping a lot^^)

- ... Yamaoki Yuuki is a father ???? I didn't know that. He was the one who had a special speech for the curtain call, and he told us about his son and I was like "YOU'RE THE SAME AGE AS MY LITTLE BROTHER YOU CAN'T HAVE A BABY". Hashimoto Shinichi and Yamamoto Ikkei made fun of him and at some point he lost his train of thoughts XD Then the same thing happened when Izawa Yuuki was speaking and Sugie Taishi was being silly behind his back XD

.... There were other things but this has gotten long enough already^^

Crossed over

Summary: Garrus has something to tell Shepard before they get down to pound town. Same hat, though? Same hat.

(I wrote this originally for pride but didn’t finish it in time. Yes I am 100% pulling this out of my ass, but who cares. My city now.)

---

Shit.

Garrus’ heart was still racing as the door to the main battery shut in front of him. Only moments prior, the Normandy’s commander had been standing there, chatting with him. Well… chatting wasn’t really the right word. Propositioning, maybe? That felt more on the face plate to him, but it just sounded so salacious for something coming from the man people had dubbed humanity’s boy scout.

He didn’t know what a boy scout was, but he was fairly sure they didn’t make suggestions like that…

“I guess I need to… ask Mordin about this.”

His hand hesitated on his omni-tool before he could make the call. The salarian would be good for positioning and allergic warnings, but he didn’t need that at the moment. That wasn’t going to quiet the frantic racing of his heart. He needed somebody else for that, someone he was still on shaky terms with.

But he needed someone would listen and not need a million clarifying questions…

His talons typed in the familiar number, and it was soon sending out the request. Thanks to being so close to a mass relay, it would go through no problem. Well, that and the fact Cerberus had souped up the Normandy’s communication system in several definitely off the market and illegal ways. Though that really wasn’t his problem anymore – he hadn’t been part of C-SEC for over two years.

Just… old habits die hard he supposed.

The call took a few seconds to connect, but he soon heard the sounds of Palaven on the other end. Garrus felt his stomach drop as he realized just how late it was on his homeworld. No doubt he had woken up the other party from a deep sleep – that was strike two for him before he had said a word.

Strike one, naturally, was going off on Omega and becoming a mercenary who took a rocket to the face. She was still mad about that.

“Garrus?”

Solana sounded tired. He could hear her shifting on the other end, no doubt because she had been in bed and fast asleep. Guilt swarmed in his stomach, but his resolve pushed it away. As the humans said it, in for a penny in for a pound.

And boy, he was going to get a pounding…

He took a deep breath, trying to steady himself. The humans of the Normandy would’ve never noticed it, but no doubt his sister had already picked up on just how frantic he sounded. Right then, any turian within a couple hundred yards probably could’ve picked it up. Hell, a passing ship might have even gotten the hint if they hadn’t been in FTL drive. But he tried anyway – he had his pride in the end.

“Uh, hey, Solana. Sorry, I realize it’s late and all, but- “

Right then, he could imagine her mandibles twitching in annoyance, but also the gleam in her eyes that gave away just how curious she actually was. After all, he wasn’t the call home type. Never had been really, especially after their mother had passed. It just sort of got pushed to the back and they caught up when they could.

“Gar, you’re freaking out so loud the humans are going to hear it. You’re not dying again, are you?”

Hey, that had been a one-time deal. It wasn’t like he had a habit of taking rockets to the face or anything…

Garrus took a deep breath to steady himself once more, and he allowed his body some respite by dropping it onto the cot he kept in the battery. Sure, he probably could’ve had a bunk elsewhere – but that would’ve been with humans who had no problems working with Cerberus. As the object of his anxiety would’ve put it, taco was good out there.

He still didn’t get that – what did food have to do with displeasure? Humans were weird…

“I’m fine.” His mandibles twitched. “Just… had a talk with Shepard.”

Solana’s subvocals were curiosity city as she leaned in. “The big one or the dead one?”

“He’s not dead anymore…” Garrus’ voice trailed off. “And the little one, yeah.”

On the other end of the line, he heard his sister chuckle. “What, did you two have a fight about calibrating or something? That’s not exactly something to call me over, Gar. He’s not going to kick you off the…”

Her voice trailed off, no doubt because she had put the pieces together. He felt his stomach squirm as he waited in the pregnant silence, knowing the ball was going to drop any second. Really, this was the last thing he wanted to tell her…

“Please tell me you told him before you two fucked.”

Garrus’ mandibles almost let him lift off the ground as he jumped to his feet on instinct. “We haven’t… not yet. We were just… he made suggestions. I think we’re going to eventually, once we both put some research in. Kind of hard to smash a turian and a human together and all…”

His voice trailed off, realizing just how awkward he sounded. Really, the logical side of him knew he was being ridiculous. It wasn’t like he was a virgin like Shepard was. There were a few lovers in his past, so for the most part he knew what he was doing. It was just… well, humans were odd.

Solana’s voice was steadier the next time she spoke. “So… you’re planning to fuck your CO.”

“Yes, I know, I’m a walking stereotype.” The embarrassment could have choked a krogan. “Honestly… I don’t even know why I called. I just…”

His sister finished for him. “You’re worried about how he’s going to react if you tell him, because you’re planning on filling him in.”

Garrus was left standing there in the battery, mandibles almost to the bottom of his neck. He had no idea what kind of vocals he must’ve been giving off then, but they had to be something. After all, Solana wasn’t making fun of him. When it came to his love life, she loved nothing more than doing that. It was some older sister commandment: thou shalt pick on thy little brother for his terrible interest in people.

So… yeah.

“Gar?”

He shook his head. “Yeah, I guess that’s it,”

Solana shifted a pillow on the other end. “He’s a medic, right? He’ll at least understand it that way.”

Enough interaction with medical staff had taught Garrus that didn’t mean a whole lot of anything. Besides, he wasn’t looking for a checkup, this was practically starting… something. And maybe that’s why his stomach shifted so badly at the thought of it as he glanced around the battery.

Shit…

“I mean… do they even hold classes on that outside of turian occupied areas?” He sighed. “It’s easier with us… I don’t know how a human is going to feel about it.”

His sister’s subvocals shifted to something that reminded him of when he had been smaller, and she had stood by him on the playground. He was bigger than her now… but something about it was oddly comforting. It was also kind of embarrassing, but he was going to take what he could get at the moment.

“Well, if he starts shit, tell him to count his days.”

Despite his anxiety, Garrus found himself chuckling. “You’re really going to threaten the first human Spectre?”

“He died once; I can make it happen again if he hurts you.” The certainty in Solana’s voice was a strange comfort then. “Seriously, if he has a problem with it, then he’s an ass and he’s not worth it. Not your fault he’s a dumb human who doesn’t get what it means.”

Another chuckle – he knew when he had lost a fight. “Thanks, but I think I can handle it. Besides, you’re kind of on Palaven.”

Not that that meant anything – piss Solana off enough and she’d find a way to show up.

“Lucky him.” Solana let out a yawn that helped Garrus know their call was ending. “I mean it, Garrus. If he says anything…”

He found the knot in his stomach loosening as he sat back down. “I’ll send you our coordinates.”

“That’s my little brother. Now, get the hell off the line. I gotta get up for work in 4 hours.”

Well, love you too…

Still, Garrus let his sister go and the battery lapsed into silence once more as the call ended. He could hear life on the other side of the heavy door as the crew went about their duties, but right then it didn’t matter. He had made up his mind over the course of the call, so now he felt more resolute.

Was he still terrified? Absolutely. Humans were fucking unpredictable. After all, who else launches out of a mass effect field and starts fighting with the first sentient species they meet? They had a species wide death wish or something…

But that didn’t matter then. Now it was time to figure out what he wanted to say. And at least he had time for that as he waited for the big gun in front of him to show him some data.

---

A few weeks later, and there he was. Garrus shifted from foot to foot as the elevator door opened and let him out. He had been to the top of the Normandy before, enough that he knew the layout. Past that door was the object of his anxiety, waiting on the pretense of a talk about what they were planning.

Maybe it had been a while since he had last had sex, but he definitely didn’t remember that much thought put into it before. Was it because he was getting older, or because his partner was a squishy human?

“That you, Garrus?”

Shepard’s soft voice carried through the metal. Something about it always set the turian’s heart beating a little faster. In those moments, he found it hard to talk. So, in the end he just stood there like an idiot.

This was going great, clearly.

Thankfully, Shepard wasn’t a stupid man. His head appeared through the open door, checking to make sure he was ok. Today he had his hair pulled behind his head – he was fairly sure he called it a ponytail – and out of his face. No doubt he had been working with Saren. The hamster had full face privileges at pretty much anytime. And yes, he was jealous of a hamster for that.

So sue him.

The words brought hm back to life. “Oh, yeah. Sorry, guess I was more tired than I thought.”

The Spectre smiled at him as he motioned for Garrus to follow. Just as the turian had thought, he had been working with his hamster. From the looks of things, it had been a deep clean and a cage change if the shredded bedding meant anything. No doubt the man in charge of it all had been cleaning it up when he had come calling.

“What’s Saren got this time?”

Shepard gestured to the cage as they moved past his desk towards the sitting area. “I went for an under the sea theme. It seemed appropriate; he is living in the old fish tank system.”

That would explain the sunken ship half buried in the substrate. He had to hand it to the human, he really knew how to spoil his pets…

Together they sat at the table, Garrus positioned so he could just see Shepard’s unmade bed in the background. It was so close, but it felt like lightyears away. He was supposed to get on that eventually with the Spectre…

Talk about nearly giving himself a heart attack.

“Anyway, you wanted to talk about …”

Shepard’s voice dropped and his cheeks turned pink. Humans called that blushing, and it was pretty noticeable on the ones with light skin. It usually turned the Spectre krogan rampage red if he got going, so things weren’t too bad yet. He could work with this.

Still, Garrus felt tense as he gazed over at the human. At least both of them were nervous about this, so he didn’t feel completely stupid. In a way, that was helpful as he tried to find the words he had practiced for a week.

Naturally, they had abandoned him at the sight of those blue eyes. He was a sucker for blue…

“Yeah. There was something… I needed to tell you.”

His talons tucked against each other as he tried to keep from looking at the human. “Just so we both know what we’re getting into and all.”

“You’re not allergic to human body fluids, are you?”

Shepard was so matter of fact in his tone that Garrus felt himself chuckling without meaning to do it. Leave it to the Spectre to find a way to relax him without consciously attempting it. Maybe that was his real superpower – the biotics were just a fun perk.

But yeah… maybe he could do this.

“No, I’m good there.” Another deep breath. “Just uh… I don’t really tell people this. None of their business, and most non-turians wouldn’t get it anyway.”

At that, Garrus paused and checked the sight in front of him. Shepard was watching him, analyzing him maybe. He had stopped nervously tugging at the end of his ponytail, and his hands were in his lap. From the looks of things, he had the Spectre’s undivided attention.

No pressure.

“Something up, Garrus? You don’t have to tell me if you don’t- “

He held up his hand. “No, I feel like I should. We’re getting kind of… close.”

The tension rippled across his carapace as he felt it on the tip of his tongue. “Do… you know what it means to be crossed?”

At that point, the translating function on their omni-tools went haywire. Whatever Shepard normally heard when it worked, he definitely wasn’t getting it then. At least the man hadn’t winced at the sound of him untranslated. That was probably a good sign for cross-species relations if there ever was one.

“Sorry, the translator didn’t pick that up. I got something about a mix up?”

Well, half points for trying.

Garrus nodded as he tried to pick his words carefully so they would translate right. “Something like that. You know we believe in spirits, right?”

When Shepard nodded, he continued, stomach churning all the while. “Well… sometimes the spirit and the body it’s in have a disagreement about… things I guess.”

Disagreement was putting it mildly, of course. Garrus would’ve rather called it an all-out war in his early teens when the bad feelings were at their peak. Now it was mostly quiet – thank you, modern medicine – but sometimes it still whispered in his thoughts when he least expected it. His spirit was a tricky one like that, no wonder he had lasted so long on Omega.

But… yeah, he was getting away from the awkward conversation he was having. That was probably a bad coping mechanism left over from being a merc.

Shepard still seemed tuned into the conversation at the very least. “Ok… so your mind and body don’t… agree on something? Is that what I’m getting?”

“Pretty much. It’s not super common, but it happens.” His mandibles flapped as he tried to find the words. “There are ways of… making the spirit more comfortable depending on what way you need to go. Medical procedures help, but oftentimes one of the best ways is to just live the way your spirit wants.”

He had been 13 when his spirit had started acting up. That was a common age, though he didn’t exactly hang out with many crossed turians these days…

His shoulders still tensed as he snuck a glance at the human – hadn’t lost him completely. “I guess I’m trying to tell you… that I’m crossed. Not that it’s going to matter for us in bed, the hormone therapy has pretty much taken care of everything. I only have to take a maintenance dose every couple months…”

His voice trailed off. Shepard hadn’t said anything for a long time. Instead, the Spectre seemed to draw into himself. Something about that made Garrus’ stomach drop and almost instantly he regretted saying anything at all.

Maybe he was going to need Solana after all…

His voice was shaky when he spoke again. “Look, I get that it doesn’t- “

“So, you’re like the turian version of trans?”

Garrus blinked. The word was a new one, he had learned it from listening to the crew. Mentally, the translation ran through his head as he sat there, trying to remember what it meant. Something about gender?

What was that again, an ice cream flavor? He was kind of drawing a blank…

“Uh… don’t really get what that is, Shepard. You’re going to have to explain it to me before I can say anything.”

There was a glint in the man’s eye then as he nodded. “Basically, humans have a thing where their brain and body don’t match up. We can also fix it with medical procedures, but the best way is the same way you’ve got.”

The turian found himself nodding. “Guess that would be the human version of being crossed, yeah.”

In that moment, Garrus wasn’t sure what to expect as the pieces fell into place. It was Shepard, but Shepard was still human. More importantly, it was impossible to read how he was reacting then. His face was utterly blank as he sat there, staring down at his hands.

In the words of the Spectre… he should probably go.

Garrus could feel something breaking inside still as he stood. “I get it’s probably not what you expected. It’s ok… I just ask you don’t spread it- “

Those eyes were on him as Shepard reached out to keep him from going. “Damn it, Garrus, same hat.”

…

“Same…”

A wide grin broke out on Shepard’s face as he started laughing. “I think we’re in the same boat here if you’re telling me you’re on the turian version of HRT. Holy shit, talk about one hell of a relief. I thought you were going to say you were allergic to humans or something.”

The translation whirred in Garrus’ visor as he wordlessly sat back down. He had a full picture now, and it was one hell of a sight. The tension that had been vibrating across his carapace began to melt away as he listened to the human laugh, and soon he found himself chuckling as well.

Solana was never going to believe this.

“Nope, still not allergic to humans.” His mandibles twitched. “So… you humans do it too then?”

Shepard was still smiling as he nodded. “Yeah. If not for my biotics fucking everything up, I would’ve been on HRT too by now. But then you wouldn’t get to hear my lovely, squeaky voice cracking over the battlefield and who would want to miss that?”

“I wouldn’t…” Garrus’ voice trailed off. “Oh…”

Well, from the sound of things he hadn’t needed to worry. Maybe he didn’t need his older sister to come beat up his not-yet lover yet after all. His pride would survive for at least one more day at this rate.

Honestly, he felt lighter than he had in weeks. If not for the ship’s gravity, he might have been floating then. Then again, that might have been caused by Shepard’s quiet chuckles over all of this. Something about the man’s laughter always put him at ease.

“I can’t believe you thought I was cis, though.” The human had gone back to playing with the end of his ponytail, though from the motions it was less nerves and more something to do with his hands. “I would be insulted if you were human.”

Garrus felt his mandibles twitch. “It’s not like I know the difference, Shepard.”

“You literally saw my dick fall out of my pants, Garrus.”

…

Yeah, well… he wasn’t the medic, now was he? For all he knew, they were supposed to do that.

Still, at his silence Shepard just chuckled more. Surprisingly, he seemed lighter as well as he sat back. Maybe because of his own nerves, but he hadn’t noticed just how tight the man’s shoulders had been when he had entered. No doubt they had been worrying about similar things if there was that much crossover.

Something, something, communication made for happy relationships.

“Well, clearly we’ve got plenty of research to do if we want to do this right.” The human sounded much happier as he looked down at his always present omni-tool. “I mean… if you still want to and all. I understand if you’ve changed your mind.”

Garrus all but hopped to his feet. “No! I mean… no, I haven’t changed my mind. I’m just glad I know what to research. I think I was looking at the wrong vids…”

“Well, that makes two of us, unless you guys figured out a way to fix anatomical issues we’re still working on. Turian anatomy seems a little more straight-forward when it comes to genitals, what with everything being internal.”

…

You know, he probably should’ve found his anatomy being discussed in such clinical terms rather dry. Yet the fact Shepard seemed so relaxed about the whole thing was rather heartening. Maybe he was just more relaxed now that the bomb had dropped and he still had both of his mandibles.

He was glad for that – the implant surgery to fix him the first time had really sucked.

“I think you’ll be fine with whatever you’re looking at.” He let out a sigh of relief. “So… good talk?”

Even he knew that sounded awkward. Yet, the other man chuckled and nodded as he stood at last, pushing his ponytail behind his shoulders as he approached the turian. Apart from when they were getting shot at, it was probably the closest they had ever been.

“Yeah. Good talk.”

And then he smiled. “So, uh… I need to finish cleaning up from Saren. Unless you want to help with that?”

Garrus was already on his feet, eyeing the door. “I think I have some calibrations to get to down in the battery.”

Shepard’s cheeks briefly puffed out, but then he allowed a rather laid-back chuckle. “Alright, I get the idea. I’ll talk to you later, Garrus. Good luck with the calibrations.”

Luck – he certainly had a lot of that at the moment.

Garrus honestly felt lighter as he left the man’s quarters to return to his spot in the battery. The weight that had pressed down hard on his talons had evaporated, like gravity no longer affected him. It was a bit strange – the ship was set to adjust to that – but right then he wasn’t thinking like a tech as he rode the elevator back down.

All things considered, that had gone better than he had expected.

“Well… doubt Solana is going to believe this one. Who knew humans had it too…” he trailed off as the door opened to the crew floor. He let the matter drop for the moment, focused instead on getting back to work. After all, the Normandy was a big ship, and keeping her running was a heavy task he was more than happy to deal with.

Still… it was good to know they were on even footing. Maybe it wouldn’t go as badly as he thought it might. But he definitely needed to change his vids…

But he could worry about that later. A big gun needed some specialized calibrations if they were going to live another day. He could think about his sex life later.