i already told you guys that i do have a brainrot and it's because of them

Nooooo😰😰🙈 I didn't and wouldn't 😰🙈 Honestly, kinda thought I might have finally annoyed you enough or you're just busy🤷🏻‍♀️🙈 Sorry🙈 I really didn't think the Tumblr Secretary would start erasing messages to you, too🙈🙈

Haha, yes, very smart of you😊🙈

Only one sushi restaurant?😯 Huh, amazing... Tho admittedly, I haven't eaten it either (yet?)😅😂

😂😂😂 Understandably😂😂

...Possessed? I just wanted to become FRIENDS with demons...😶🙈 But ohh, the more I think about it, the cooler getting possessed and being able to just take a backseat from life is starting to sound 😉😉😂😂

😂😂 "dumb fucks" 😂😂😂

...I doubt it, but okay... Tho I can't shut my cake if I don't have any cake?🤔😉😂😂😂

😂😂 Ohh, this reminds me of a clip from a concert where Brendon Urie "introduced" a song by explaining how his Mom likes it when he curses and proceeds to swear "like fuck and shit and ass and bitch and dick and balls and goddammit" perfectly in rhythm😂😂😂

Awww,  they go to a restaurant?😍😍☺ Okay, Yeah, I'm definitely reading those when I have some real time to read again😍🙈😂

Well, I guess he really WAS A replacement for Winn and Mon... And they did kinda jam Winn's brilliance with Mon's space-puppy alien-ness into one in Brainy's character from the little bit I've seen of Post S3😅🙈 And yup, last scene sucked...🙄

Maybe they really just didn't like Kara as a character...😖😫

Haha, yess, and just imagine all the other lines they could use!😍 Oh, btw, I remembered the original bad chemistry pick-up line I came up with, it went like this: "Are you a catalyst? Cause you certainly always get me started" 😂😂🤣🤣 Oh, or imagine this: "Are you an exothermic reaction? Cause you are hot"🤣🤣🤣 Oh, oh, or back to an English Literature pick-up line: "Are you my zero focalizer? Cause I feel like you know me inside out, more so than even I myself do"😅🤣🤣🤦🏻‍♀️ And ohhh, their students shipping and trying to set them up would be GOLDEN!😍😍😍😍

yup, they could definitely learn a Lot from each other🤔 And HAHAHAHA, sounds accurate, esp. since Max is probably absolutely doing it on purpose cause he doesn't like Kara and no way in hell does he want his baby brother fraternizing with her😉😉🤣🤣 But hey, Karamel can hope Sam ships them and keeps Max away so they can spend time together🤔🤔 Oh god, Max and Cat? That's quite terrifying and amusing, not sure if that pair would be a good idea tho if they don't want the Multiverse to end😅 Ohhhh, Max and Cat fighting over Mon and Kara would be GOLDEN😂😂😂 Just imagine the arguments about 😂😂😂 Poor Sam&Eve who will have to deal with THAT chaos tho😅🙈

Samesies☺🙈 Sorr, again about the confusion😰🙈🙈🙈

PS: 🤣🤣🤣 Why do I feel like she might murder me for telling you about this?🤣🤣😅🙈🙈

PS2: Oh, you mean the ones from the Musical? If you mean those, then yess, I did😍😍😍😁😁🤗 (Thanks to you actually🤣🤣���) At first I thought that style looked kinda weird, but the more I see it, the better it looks on him🤔😂 (Tho short haired him with a little bit longer stubble still is his best look IMO🤔🙈🤷🏻‍♀️)

XXX

Oh cool, so we are both in the "I'm afraid I annoyed that person too much and she/he has enough of me" xD

Also, you suck Tumblr Secretary!!!

Girl, I live in a 12k people town, the fact have one good sushi restaurant is like a miracle. No Chinese restaruants, btw.

But I kind of miss my friends, some classes and almost no responsibilities xD

...now you sound like Stephen King and I'm starting to get really worried about your storylines =='

What? Sad facts. And the fact they rule so many societies from the backseat is even sadder

Cake HOLE, HOLE, ok?! I forgot to add it. But you can always BUY some cake and problem solved! Even better, you can shut your mouth on the cake and be forever happy!!!!

lol, I guess his mom was very proud? x'D

DO IT!!!!!

And i guess that annoyed me so much, becasue here we were, once again with the same charatcer just in a different body. The scene when he prepared bed breakfast for Nia and tried to be a perfect boyfriend and i was just rolling my eyes so hard I saw the insides of my skull. And the fact is they totally ignored his comic book canon. I get why they didn't make him LI for Kara and make him and Nia a thing, but the rest? He's an idiot? 12th level genius? Where?

That or they had no idea what to do with her character. Aside of the fact they made her just Kal's clone with longer hair, ignored her whole comic book canon that makes her different and special, they had no plan for her character development. I feel they later just fell in love with their human charatcers they made (aka Alex and Walmart Witch) and deeloped them, while ignoring Kara. The titular hero. UGH

One of the reasons why the humanphilia pissed me soo much in this show :/

I see you liked the idea xD Add Eve as sex ed teacher, Winn as IT, Alex PE and biology?, Nia something with English, Brainiac math, Lobotomizer physics, John history, Lex the principal, Kelly as the school psychologist. Plus, dunno, M'gann, Cat, William, Imra, Sam, Siobbhan, and other bad guys as bad teachers xD Could be a fun fic xD

Or even better, imagine Cat promoting Kara as CatCo's superhero, while Max promotting Mon-El as Valor as his company and both them fighting which is better, while Kara and Mon-Elbeing done with them, and one day just openly, in fromt of cameras making out to make them shut up. LOL

No prob, not your fault!

PS She probably will, sorry! xD

PS2: yes, same. He really digs that look. I think I liked most his Kai-back-from-the-dead look and s3 Mon-El, when he was wearing black Legion uniform. This or that, I'm aroace but I seriously think he is aesthetically very hot and handsome. Lucky Melissa xD

Stay safe!

I Think I Have a Problem.... (A personal true story).

So as the title suggests, I have a strange problem…. Just as a warning, this is about my view of my younger self. It is about religion, and gender identity. This is not how I see the world anymore. It was how I told how the world should look. If you are offended in any way, please know this is a vent post and nothing to hurt anyone else. This is just what happened to me as a child. Shit….. This is about to get very long winded, so buckle up and here we go… *takes deep breath*

So a little backstory on your Mother Llama: I was raised in a weird backward ass “Independent” Baptist church most of my young life. If you guys don’t know what those are, be thankful…. But I guess I should explain it the best way I can…. they are a borderline cult. Yes. I said it. I’m not sorry. It may sound like an extreme accusation, but hold on. Just listen to me.

Now, I have no problem with Christians, or religion. You should believe whatever you want to believe in…. I do however, have a problem when religion is used as an excuse to not educate minds about the real world, force them to not let them think for themselves, and when someone questions any of it, they are punished or shamed for it instead of thinking about an answer. If you can’t tell, I am still a little angry about that shit. Imma try to keep on topic here….

I wasn’t taught science (real science anyways, it was all about ‘creation’ bs—OH! And being anything but a cis straight person was compleltly unexceptable. Woman were the weaker sex and were made to raise babies and take care of the husband. Men were superior and should be taken care of.) nor about World history or about other cultures, other than biblical of course. And when they were mentioned, they made them look evil and behave like heathens because they didn’t believe the same as they did. Everything changed when I went to public school half of fourth grade when my family moved to a different state and there wasn’t any church school like I went to. I learned a lot those years, that ‘The World’ wasn’t as bad of a place as they said it was. It was vast and had many things to offer. (No, not the World, Dio’s stan power from Jojo’s bizarre adventures—that is what our pastors called anything outside of the Baptist approved realm. Something ‘Worldly’ was basically something sinful and ungodly and therefor was bad and wrong).

So this may seem like a strange Segway in to what I am actually getting at, but I had a huge crush on this boy back when I was young and it started when I was about 12 or 13 years old and ended when I was 16. He was the same age as me, and he was the son of a pastor of a small church of about 20 people, mostly military families— we will call him.... D.... for dick...

I thought for a long time that I ‘loved’ D. I thought that ‘God made him for me’ (yes I really said that and it hurt to even write it). I really thought I knew what love was back then, but I was very wrong.

D was homeschooled, he didn’t have many friends and was also a navy brat like I was. So, naturally, we got along very well, and I would hang out with him at his house sometimes. We mainly played video games I was terrible at and he would always bet me. But I liked hanging out with him, so I didn’t care if I won or not. My heart for some reason was totally head over heels over D. And he liked me too for a while… or at least I thought he did… He however never made a move. I always thought D was just too shy, and didn’t know how to ask me. Any time I tried holding his hand, I’d chicken out. It was a stalemate. But this particular church did a thing where people had to court. Yes... COURT someone, not DATE (Courting is where you had adult chaperones keeping an eye on you two, you were never really alone. Ever, because apparently you can’t be trusted?). When we both turned 15 yo, D started a private Christian school. Being the awkward girl I was, I never told him how I felt, I just waiting for him to say something. Time passed, and I still waited and waited for him to ask me out.

But here’s the thing! He didn’t know the real me.

I was in public school, in middle school, and I started to become a weeb. Like a super cringy weeb that didn’t like anything else but anime—I was also kinda emo/punk kid thought I was edgy. (Yeah rock music was bad too, it was ‘Worldly’).Not a very good mix for Baptist I know. At school, I was one person, and at church I was another.

Well, being an anime fan meant I was exposed to a lot of things like the LGTB+ community for the first time. A lot of my friends at the time started to come out other than straight and that was very new to me.

During that time, I soon was starting to secretly question my faith, my understanding of my own sexuality and gender. Like, maybe people liking the same sex or both is actually not a bad thing after all (if you haven’t seen any of my works, hopefully you guys know that I know better that what I was taught—I am a proud fuckin’ ally! I still consider myself cis-straight, but some days I feel like I’m bi-curious, and that’s ok! It took me a long time to realize that, but I’m here now. Gender roles are dead and stupid.)

So here is the kicker~ One faithful day we had a guest pastor join us for a few weeks from another church. This mother fuckin’ nasty ass old white man from Alabama came with his ‘perfect quiet godly’ wife. Who badly ever spoke a damn word. She always just sat in the corner all ‘ladylike’.

—Oh!!! Another fun fact, I didn’t wear pants for a year when I was 10 yo becasue that was considered “cross dressing”— I’m dead fucking serious. My parents then decided after attending sporting events and stuff like that to drop that ludicrous lifestyle, becasue it was stupid. So, Outside of church, my family and I still wore pants and shorts and whatever, but in church we pretended that we didn’t wear anything but modest skirts, dresses, and long culottes. (That’s a little damaging…. don’t you think? Telling people your one thing, when in reality you're not like that at all??)

Anyways— I hated skirts, especially wearing them in the state we lived in, it was way too hot and I’d get chafed (these had to be knee length or longer btw). And of course that guest preacher would preach about the sins of women wearing pants, but I didn’t care. I wore them for so long, it just made me angry anytime someone would bring that up. I liked my jeans and I was starting to become a rebel teen who gave less than a fuck and started to speak my mind. Which was dangerous to that community…. Also I had a bad tendency of not keeping my legs together when I bent down, and one time I accidently showed my underwear (that’s really embarrassing btw, it’s not cute, it’s not funny, it’s awful when you're 14 yo-- really any age actually).

So, one day I wore a long jean skirt for a youth outing with the church. I was required to wear it, but I always wore leggings underneath so I wouldn’t accidentally show my undies if I fell down or the wind blew it. This fucker had to say something about it. The old man turned to me with a wrinkled smirk as I was passing by him and dared to utter, “Now, don’t you feel most femine and ladylike in that skirt? I’m sure Jesus would like seeing you like that.”

My shoulders clench up tight, my brow furrows. All I can remember seeing is fucking red and actually trembling with fury. (This was happening in my pastor, D’s father’s, own living room mind you.) D was there watching as I blanched about ten shades of red in anger and embarrassed because that prick of an old man called me out in front of everyone. I turned to him and half shouted, “NO! I don’t!” I could see my pastor’s mouth drop to the floor as I began to completely obliterate this old man. But I couldn't stop myself as I started to further cut into him. “—I hate wearing skirts! I don’t feel ladylike! In fact, they make me feel vulnerable! What if some guy tries to rape me! They won’t have any problem getting to me!—Why is something with a whole on the bottom more ladylike than something that actually covers me?! I like pants! They are comfortable and they make me feel safe! Why is that a sin to wear something that is more covering?!?! I’m not cross dressing, my mom bought them in the girl’s session!! [Keep in mind that was a long time ago, I don’t feel like people should care about what section they get their clothes from, wear what you want] And what do you know about wearing a skirt?! You’re a man! You try wearing them! They suck! You need to stop telling me what I can and can’t wear! I’m not dressing like a whore for wearing something with a crotch!! SO LEAVE ME ALONE!!” Everyone in the living room was just stunned at my audacity to dare speak to this pastor like I did. But he was so fucking quiet after that. And I stormed out of the house and the guest pastor never spoke to me again about it. Luckily my mom came and picked me shortly after that. She was angry too after I told her what happened. That old fuck singled me out and I was pissed off. I was a teenager and that shit was embarrassing!

But I made the mistake of showing my true self. I think after that moment, D stopped liking me after that.

Some shit went down south with my parents behind closed doors of my household, and eventually they got divorced. They left the small church because the pastor didn’t approve of it. Pastor said that my parents just needed more counseling but he didn't understand that they just needed to not be together. Sometimes you can’t make things work. Especially when your dad is a toxic piece of shit that only cares about himself.

Anyways, everyone in my family left the church, but I stuck around that shit-hole just to see if D would ask me out. I was so desperate, I felt like I waited forever, but really it was like 2-3 years, and I felt like I couldn’t give up. Eventually D and I turned 16. He started to become distant and a little mean towards me and I became confused and started to realize the worst. Finally, I was tired of waiting so I asked his older sister if he liked me on the way back taking me home. I could see it in her face, that she didn’t want to have my heart broken, but reluctantly she told me no. He actually liked another girl at his new private school and was going to ask her parents to court her instead.

I was so devastated.... It hurt so much, I cried myself to sleep that night, and most of that week I was very sad.

Obviously, after that, I stopped going to church entirely, I couldn't show my face anymore. Finally let myself question my faith, sexuality, gender roles, and humanity all together. And realized that religion was stupid (in my opinion at the time) and I came u with the conclusion that people can be sheep. I was a sheep for a long time. And I refuse to be one ever again.

High school was very enjoyable after that, and I let myself grow and started to love other religions and world history, and tried to stop being so judgmental of others and what they felt like. I even got into a relationship with a sweet boy around my age.

Eventually in college, after a break-up with my high school sweetheart, I reconnected with D via FB. Apparently, the church went under and his parents moved away to Greece to be missionaries or something. D still lives in the same town I’m in, but graduated from a “Christian academy”—not Catholic, Christian. Catholic colleges are accredited at least. But he basically told me he was a secret “bad boy” now. He lost his virginity in highschool, (like I did) and he was totally trying to booty call me. Not even hiding it either! He was like, “Hey, Llama, you wanna fuck?”.

And I was like, “D! You broke my fucking heart when we were young! Don’t you remember that???”

And he was like, “Oh no! I had no idea! (the fuckin’ liar). Well, we can fuck now!~ *wink, wink*”

🤨

This is where I was a jerk.... Because he broke my heart. I led him on, told him I would meet up with him at his house to sleep with him, and just didn’t show up—ghosted him ever since. The worst part about that, is I still don’t regret doing that to him. I hope I hurt his feelings and felt like an ass like I did.

So years have passed, I consider myself as a rather successful woman now. I’m 27, I consider myself Buddhist (I am a terrible Buddhist I know), I am an Occupational Therapy Assistant and I have a great husband (I married the guy I was with in high school). And he loves the real me—the crazy closet weeb, cartoon watching, creative, expressive, me! The person who also writes fanfiction about a romance novel and he is fine with it. Because he is a huge nerd too and we are both nerds together.

My husband is my best friend and I don’t know what I’d do without him. When I write about Rhemi and Muriel, I draw a lot of inspiration with our conversation we have and how relationship dynamics are and I think it makes the writing more authentic and makes them feel a bit more real.

I love my husband more than anything… So why do I keep dreaming about that stupid asshole that just liked the fake me? D was and always will be a total tool. He is like the basic bitch of a man. And yet I still find him creeping in my dreams and I try to cheat on my husband with him in them. I wake up feeling totally terrible and weird after them too. D is a terrible fucking person—the worst person you can be in my opinion—The kind of person why lies and tells people one thing, but hides the fact that he’s really just a nasty fuck boy. If you are one, just be honest! Don’t tell another woman you're a good christan man, when really you’ve slept with not just one, but multiple girls! That how you get fucking STDs! I hate being lied to, and I’m sure other girls do too! So I guess that’s why I do, because I felt like I was lied to my entire life. Then again, why should I even care?! Why do I feel like I still obsess over him? I hate him so much now! So why do I even care? Why do I still find myself stalking him on social media? Why does it even matter? Why do I want him to see I’m happy without him? Why do I want him to see what he could have had with me? We were just stupid teenagers! Why did I care so much? Why did it hurt so much when I found out he didn’t like me?! It’s been over a decade, and we didn’t even really date! Why did this affect me so hard? …. FUCK!

So yeah. That’s my long ass rant for you all… thanks for coming to my ted talk.

"Pick a passage of 500 words from one of my fics" I dunno if this is 500 words, but the part in chapter 3 of After when Minho and Gally are talking about leaving Paradise in one of the cars (Also, I'm gonna say now that After is one of the best if not the best fics I've ever read. Out of any pairing or any fandom. It deserves alllllll the awards!)

Sup! This got longer than i thought it would so under the cut :) 

(I apologise in advance for any dumb typos im v sleepy but i have no one to blame but myself so LETS GO)

Hello! First of all,  AAAHH thank you so much!!!! this fic is like my baby, as dramatic as that sounds - it’s the first thing i wrote for tmr and the first thing that was 50k, so it holds a special place in my heart and it means a lot to hear people say that :D

Ok so that scene. I’ll tell you what’s in my head both past and present. Present is good fucking god i need to edit this fic there are so many embarrassing typos people are READING this!!! Past was jesus christ they need to get to the beach already so that this can be close to done because, at that point, it honestly felt like i had been writing this forever. I can’t imagine how published authors feel, having to write 2 to 3 times that amount in less than half the time but I’d hope to find out someday yay aspirations.

What was going through Minho and Gally’s heads are both similar and very different. I think they both feel quite trapped at this point.

For Gally, he feels like he’s trapped in paradise more so than min and thomas and anyone else because he’s never seen what the world looks like beyond their little community. I like to think that the gladers’/the girls’ memories come back slowly and in fragments, sometimes intermingled with each other and scattered (those who didn’t choose to get their full memories restored at the beginning of tdc) and it would probs be pretty frustrating for them. All through After gal’s been dealing with these scattered memories of his life before WICKED, mostly memories of his father’s death that he hasn’t been able to get a solid grip on, but knows it has something to do with the ocean. he thinks going to to beach will help piece things together and give him some closure. and it does (i think it does. did it? it’s been a while wow i need to edit this fic)

For Minho: he’s flipping the fuck out. He feels trapped in Paradise becasue he’s been on scouting missions and knows full well what’s outside their community - i.e. very dangerous people who only tolerate their existence under the agreement that they leave each other alone. 

Think Mad Max. The Walking Dead, Terminus era. Post-Apocalyptic cannibals. yah.

And then gally has to go and be like “hey babe lets go on a holiday.” which, at that point, is by far the worst idea anyone could have had, in minho’s opinion, as he’s still recovering from the whole experience. He calms down some when gally tells him he has no intentions of actually going into the city, though. 

Side note: “I mean we can. We have transport.” He cocks a head at the red Wagon they’re sitting on. “And I’m not talking going to the Grand Canyon or anything. We’d need a boat for that …” They were originally supposed to find a berg early on in the fic and actually go to the grand canyon, but then i was like “if they have a berg and they’re using it for field trips, then whats the point of being isolated from the rest of the world to start over? idk what i was thinking.

For gally, leaving the community for a bit and going to see the ocean is something he needs more than wants at this point in the fic, and minho can most definitely see this, which is one of, if not the biggest, defining reason that he agrees to go, even if the thought terrifies him and boy, does it ever. 

Also quickly, in terms of minho and gally together and their building relationship at this point in the fic; i felt like they needed to get the heck out of there. It’s still not the healthiest – it’s by far tons better than it was previously – but they were getting too comfortable in this little bubble that they’d created, the honeymoon phase if you will, after the somewhat rocky period ended. But they still have walls up, they’re still not communicating as best as they should, and i felt like paradise was choking the ability to do so out of them. 

This is getting pretty long and i need to go to bed so i’m going to stop here before i start to ramble but yes! i hope that answers something! a while ago i was planning on writing a side fic on what happened in the city/how min found out about newt and idk maybe i’ll actually do it one day. I do miss this verse! 

Thanks! 

ask me totally self-indulgent questions

The FIX - Bren

I’ve been doing YouTube for a LONG time now, well 8 years certainly sounds like a long time to me.. but eerily doesn’t feel like a long time. We’ve been through so many changes and trails, trying different things, making movies, TV shows, Interviews, Press events... you name it, as a content creator for the video game community I’ve made it. I’ve always wanted to be a successful youtuber when it came to video-games, these days that usually means you have to figure out a silly name and play lots of games and make a fool of yourself (and yeah i’ve done that too). A youtube star is someone that has millions of followers, uploads daily, sometimes twice daily, but I have none of those things... does that mean i’m not successful? I dont’ think so. I’ve conducted interviews with lead game designers, been to top tier invite only press functions, had 2 shows on UK TV for video games, a movie, and run an active community driven youtube channel that has a great gathering of awesome people. So why is it that I feel like I’ve failed somehow? is it because I didn’t find the right audience? is it because I didn’t get launched to super stardom for my time as a games journalist... would I even want that if it came knocking... i’m not even sure I would like it to be honest. It's strange, I've always felt like I’ve wanted to be successful in making video content, films, art, always wanted to entertain and make something that would make someone say “wow” and I have done that, but on a small scale.

Now on Youtube I see things are very different, attention spans are miniscule, kids are starting channels left right and centre, no knowledge of how to frame a good shot, how to use a decent microphone, no knowledge on how to make a proper video... vertical videos of cats being dicks, fail videos, pranks, challenges, all of that stuff to me is benine crap,  redundant. I feel the same about reality TV and how most formats prey on schadenfreude( german phrase meaning "to take pleasure in anothers missfortune") I find it nausiating that television, for the most part, has become so mundane, fuelled by adverts and les than average production values. I recently watched a shocking piece of output form the BBC where they seem to have forgotten that sound levels are important... as well as whitebalance and did the OP forget his tripod? Hand held is ok, but this chap looked like he'd had a bit too much rum in his coffee that morning.  

Anyway, back to Youtube. I'm a part of a few "small youtuber" groups on facebook, basically if you don't have 500,000 subs these days you are considered to be pretty small time. And in these groups I see thousands of the same posts everyday "yay i got 20 subs" or "how many views do i need before i can monetize." and the best one "sub for sub anyone?" honestly pretty much everyone on those groups that i've looked at (except one or two) literally have no fucking idea what they are doing and couldn't make a video if it meant saving their own life. Time and time again I see the same shit, constantly. It honestly makes me Wince at the thought that these kids are about to embark on the most dissapointing crusade of thier lives.  I started youtube in 2009 and it was a bloody good time to do so as there were pretty much no such thing as lets plays or video game shows etc... we had an amazing show, 4 presenters, heavily edited reviews, sketches, comedy! And best of all we were in with the big boys, interviewing people I never thought i'd ever get to meet!  "But Bren, why didn't you just keep going with that?" Well, thats a whole different story and i'll just sum it up by saying there were differences of opinion and it fell apart.

Starting GameGazmTV was very freeing... I had decided that I needed a platform where I didn't care too much about what content I put on it... I had boxed up my camera equipment and used a phone to film most of the stuff for it... we slapped half naked manga girls all over it with flames and rock music in the hope that we would offend someone enough to just come and look at the channel... even the name "GameGazm" was fucking ridiculous. It wasn't long before we started to slowly change everything. Removing the semi naked girls, and some "dead weight" and started to clean up the brand... but it didn't do anything really.. I started to slip back into the "everything must be good" routine, so started heavily editing videos again, making bigger productions, adding more visual effects to everything... graphical updates, weekly updates, started doing let's plays for more content, live streams... then by year 4 we changed the name fully to Ministry of Gamers in the hope of finally shedding the GameGazm crappy beginnings. And now I've suddenly realised... that I hate most of it... I look back at a lot of our content and pretty much 90% of it I could throw in the bin and no one would bat an eyelid. The content I love the most on our channel is 2 videos... Solstice and Top Gun. 2 videos that I think are actually really worth watching... the rest of them i'm not that bothered about... but solstice and top gun both took 6 weeks each to make... thats a lot of time... and then the most successful video on our channel is a video about a fucking controller that we shot in an hour because we thought "why not" I couldn't give a crap about that controller... but its the only video that i've spent the least amount of time on and its the most successfull thing ive ever made.... talk about a kick in the teeth... thats some way to really get yourself down.

Up until this point if you asked me is YouTube worth doing, should I start a channel? I would have said " yeah its really fun to do, and totally worth it." but ask me right now? i'd say "no... don't do it.. its really not worth the stress you'll put yourself through, its not worth seeing comments like "shut up and stop reviewing games you fat cunt." on a video that you spent DAYS writing, recording, editing.  Its not worth making any video that takes you longer than an hour to do, because honestly... your effort is the last thing youtube gives a crap about." Youtube does not care if you stayed up for a week straight slaving over an edit, making sure your colours are good, sound is balanced, Youtube doesn't care if you spent days crafting a CGI intro for your channel, making custom graphics, building a brand! It DOESN'T CARE... but make a controller video, slap it up, and youtube will give you £300 and a pat on the head..... great... just film your cat doing something retarded and you'll be a millionaire in no time. don't worry about talent... its not required here.

Basically youtube isn't the kind of platform I would like to be on. But not being on Youtube is like saying "I don't want to be on the biggest viewing platform available." throughout my video carrer I've only ever really been interested in making content about videogames. It's my passion so what else would I do? I have a couple of thoughts about other avenues I could explore. But if I really cared about them then I would have been doing it already. No I still care about making content for videogames but now its time to change the focus... change the direction because something has to change... i'm no longer going to use youtube as a platform to give content thats about something else.. i'm going to make it about ME and my team as people, its not a show anymore. I want it to document OUR struggle, OUR journey through a project, how we as people are focused on making entertainment. Youtube doesn't need another gaming channel, it needs to hear about how crushingly difficult it is to get anywhere with content creation, and thats where I want to be now. I'll be working on something I really care about, and i'll provide updates to that on youtube.

I can't keep going the way I have been, a constant viscious circle of dissapointment and failiure, over and over. I'm done trying to fill a gap that just doesn't need to be filled. There are other ways I can use my time and thats the most precious thing to all of us.. becasue there really isnt' that much of it.

Why have I written this? I guess to just put it all down somehwere other than my head.. the more I write at the moment the more I feel it leaving me.. literally like ive turned a tap on and the water was filthy and its slowly starting to clear up. My main point to all of this though was to fully understand why i'm so successful at failing, I make incredible work that never gets anywhere and no one really cares that much about, but its still MY work, and even if only one person sees it and is entertained by it, then to me, i've won. So in closing, I am a youtuber, and a fucking successful one.  And no one really knows it...... yet, and of course i'll never give up, I firmly believe I have something to offer a wide audience, i'm not quite sure what that is yet, but I feel like its my mission to figure it out, I owe it to myself to keep trying! and always give my best. Take pride in what you do, and if you believe in something enough, you will get it... after a long bitter road of absolute mental turmoil.... you'll get it.

Bren.

Last Bulk and its a long one

~~mod~~ everything else concerning this topic will be kicked to the modblog. ill try to add to the comments today. i feel like i got ran over so i may not be on at all. sorry for slacking on you and for probably being a world class asshole today. please keep it medium.

Anon: What kind of woman ALLOWS “her boyfriend” to make her hideout so she’s not seen with him? What kind of man DOES that? Be happy for them all you want. I think they look and act like morons. As “adorable ” as people think he is , he seems lately like a total douchebag. Good thing all the fucking booze he consumes gives him the balls to “allow” her be photographed with him. And how fucking desperate does one have to be to let themselves be treated like that? Typical Hollywood. I give this a week.

Anon:Okay, NOW do you think he will make an announcement on Jimmy Fallon about DK? Or that Jimmy will mention it? ~~mod~~  dont know dont care. as long as we get some couch action im good.

Anon:No new stories talk about the trip to italy right before dk dumped pacey. They dont talk about how long nr knew pacey before sky. Wonder how much that cost

Anon:I’m so sad mod….. 😢 Twd’s cast are finally coming to my country and i thinks that is very hard for they bring Norman because he is very expensive…. I mean, Norman is so rich, why he charge that much??! 😢😢 (Sorry for the english) ~~mod~~ aww maybe its not the money but more if he has time. where are they coming? you english is awesome

ahauntedfool: My two cents. I feel badly for disappointed fans who have invested so much time, energy, and possibly even money, on their beloved celebrity, only to see him acting in a way they do not agree with. That must be very hard for them. Maybe I can offer some hope and positivity?I believe no two relationships are alike, and none are black and white. Who really knows everything about their relationship besides them? But it does seem like they are together, and if that is the case I hope they make each other happy. I truly mean that. Love is not something we can plan for, but life is short and happiness is everything. I am still a fan of N, I enjoy many of his films and photographs, his charisma is pleasing, he makes me laugh and he makes me smile. There are some things I don’t like about him, but that’s how it is with people. We are all complex and flawed individuals, and in our imperfections there is beauty. I don’t know much about D yet, but I think I’ll check out her work, watch a few of her films and read some interviews. Maybe I’ll learn something about her that inspires me in some way. With that being said, I think they are an attractive couple, and I love seeing him smile like that. They appear happy in those photos and I hope they are. Maybe this relationship will be good for both of them. Oftentimes we learn from our partners how to be better people.

Anon: Wait for the other shoe to drop on fallon, the baby shoe, lol. He has an extra 0 on his paycheck now, so dk can stay in ny and give up her career while nk goes to ga and cons to keep her in designer duds and pap shots shopping and fashion shows. She can laugh with jdms wife about ppl who pay $$$$ to wait in line for a pic, and we get crappy cgi on twd ~~mod~~ come on the deer really wasnt that bad, if you squint it almost looked real

awesomebrokenheartuniverse: What the fucking fuck??? This is beyond baffling.  The public make out session.  Even as a teenager I didn’t make out on the street for 30 min.  They clearly wanted to be seen.  Have we been fooled by NR with some fake persona all these years?  Has he drastically changed due to DKs influence?  Is he whipped?  Is he tired of keeping it a secret and overjoyed to let it all hang out?  Does she have dirt on him and forcing this on him (sounds crazy but ya never know)? Is this a juvenile shit show for publicity to benefit both of them?  So many questions!  Maybe it’s not our business but when they flaunt themselves like this they are kinda asking for it.  This is like reality show in your face over the top attention whoring.  I feel embarrassed for them.  At least she is age appropriate. I don’t know a lot about DK, but the opinions here are largely unfavorable.  JJ seems like a decent guy.  Why would he stick with her 10 yrs if she’s such bad news?   I keep remembering a quote from AL where he said something like “the longer I know N, the more he is an enigma.”  NR seems totally all over the place to me right now.      

Anon: There’s a video of them kissing now. ~~mod~~ ok

Anon: Hey mod! Sorry to keep adding to this but I’m SO aggravated. Now she’s acting like CS posting pics from his apartment. An her fans are saying to stop bringing up Norman an respect her privacy to people. She doesn’t want privacy! Hence the photo! An the photos taken of them on the street the other night for a hour. If I’m w/ my bf I dont stop and post on SM things from his house. She wants everyone to know she finally got Norman. When will this “relationship” end 😭 personally he deserves better

Anon: Why would Norman be so open about his relationship? This PDA doesn’t fit to him, he never showed so much of his relationship, making out on the street, like in the video it looks like they were making a show. They just stood in the same street walked around kissed hugged just to make a show for the pap, my guess they called him, don’t know why

Anon: Re: the “lie.” Doesn’t it look like Norman’s reps said “friends” because of JJ? Timeline: Pic of Norman and DK at the car looking friendly with story about vacation. Rep said “friends.” Weeks later: picture of JJ kissing and snuggling with another woman at a restaurant. Stories: He’s moved on!! Two - three days later, Norman/DK are completely public. The “lie” was so JJ could say he moved on first. It had nothing to do with manipulating Norman’s fans. Anon: Daily mail has just released an article on NR and DK confirming their relationship and they’ve got a few new pics in there and in one of them NR is looking directly at the camera. I guess we know for sure it was planned and a bit staged now.

Anon: Mod - this was an absolute publicity stunt but I don’t understand why. It makes him look like the biggest possible lying fake asshole alive so why would he want that image? I’m secretly hoping this is some kind of early April Fools day joke.

Anon: Mod when do you think NR and DK became more than just friends? ~~ mod~~ would you be offended if i said i have no idea becasue i dont care enough about them as a couple to even guess. sorry if i sound like a jerk im still not feeling well

Anon: I hope Norman doesn’t think we’re just going to “get over it”? It doesn’t work that way. There is a difference between lying about who you ARE and just simply having a girlfriend. (I won’t even go into how fake SHE is) You Lied to the people that supported you Norman. This isn’t just jealous fangirls. This doesn’t just go away in a few weeks.~~mod~~ im sure he knows it isnt just gonna go away in a few days

Anon: Woke up today with tears in my eyes. Every day I used to go check out all he cool Norman/Daryl fan art on instagram. Now I can’t even look at him.~~mod~~ dont cry anon we can find you someone else to look at.

Jan: Listen up To those deeply upset and disturbed by Norman’s recent actions, please read this - Nothing in your life has actually changes NOTHING! You still breath the same air, work at the same place, hang with the same friends and are surrounded by people that love and care about you in REAL LIFE. You have never, nor will you ever, know the real man behind Norman Reeds and thats probably for the best. All that has happened is that the fantasy you have of him in your head is altered, but you have the power and control to change that narrative back at any point, back to thinking he is kind and sweet and honourable and all the other things that gave you comfort and joy, use him for whatever purpose you want - because I have news for you as a fan/consumer of his brand he is just USING you. He is clever, he will smile and be nice as pie if you are paying for his time, (he is a professional actor), what he is actually like once the show is over, behind closed doors, is probably a very different story that really would shock and upset you. He is part of an ugly dark industry and his values are probably way off the mark to what any of us would consider acceptable. The clues are all around us, the fake hollywood friends he has, the partying showbiz life he leads, his love of attention and the limelight, the blind after blind about his shitty behaviour. It does upset me to see people defending him with the best of intentions, when they have no clue that he doesn’t deserve defending, he is surrounded by wealth and privilege and I highly doubt he cares one bit what faceless avatars on the internet say about him when he is home surrounded by his millions of dollars and fake narcissistic hollywood friends. Me, I love Daryl and I will always love Daryl, he is a real sweetheart and the subject of many a fantasy, Norman not so much, I could never fantasise about someone like him -a shallow and highly privileged actor who can have any beautiful woman he desires at the drop of a hat, and knows it. His priorities are clearly material things, this set up relationship with DK that will be played out in the public eye will just be linked to and part of that agenda in some weird way…(I do have my theories as to why he is so keen to play along with it, but best kept to myself) So seriously people go back to your Daryl (or nice sweet Norman) fantasises… Whatever helps you sleep at night…

Anon: You know what’s even worse than finding out he’s a lying sneaking jerk? That he let her troll his fandom for the whole year. He let us try to defend him the whole time when it was all true. It just shows that his fans don’t really mean anything to him. He didn’t care that she was playing with us and mocking us. It’s just so unbelievable that he is the complete opposite of what he made us believe.

Anon: sorry but I feel betrayed. And before I get jumped on it’s not jealousy or that he can’t have a private life, it’s about thinking one thing about Norman and admiring that person for so long then suddenly finding out that it was all a lie. He made us think that he was our friend but he’s not. he’s laughing at us behind the scenes watching how we buy into the image that he made us think was the real him. it’s not him now. he’s a phony. anyone want walker stalker tickets? don’t want to meet him now ~~mod~~ no need to be sorry anon lots of people are feeling all kinds of way right now. i hear craiglist is a great place to sell those

Anon: God Mod it just breaks my heart to see how fake he looks. Allowing himself to be papped is something I never thought he would do. I admired Norman for being down to earth and real. Where is that man now? He’s gone. He sold out. He’s not who he claims to be. Honest? Lol nope. So this is the real Norman we have been tricked into supporting? He looks just as fake as we know she is. It’s so sad and disheartening and I never thought it would happen to him. He’s just like all the rest. :( So sad.

Anon: Wonder how this will work when he starts filming in May will she go to Georgia she doesn’t seem the country girl

Anon: Mod why do think NR’s reps have the statements that they were “just friends” 3 weeks ago only for them to walk done the street holding hands and kissing now? Do you think NR’s reps didn’t know about the relationship? Or he didn’t consult with them before going public? Or do you think it was all planned? I’m just really confused about the whole thing!

Anon: Sorry…this is a long one… People seem to focus on others being upset because he lied.  But I think a lot of people are upset for 2 main reasons.  One, they really don’t like DK.  It is hard to swallow watching someone you like, date someone you hate.  I had a good guy friend date a girl that the rest of us LOATHED.  She was just a horrible person and we were all so disappointed when he started dating her.  When we asked him why, he just replied, “well, she is not like that towards me”.  Um..ok…so since she’s “nice” to you, it’s ok that she is a a-hole to everyone else?  It lasted all of 4 months, but I just remember we were all so disgusted.  So, anyway, I think that plays a big part in the fan hate.  Fans love Norman and think he is wonderful/nice/kind/good to his friends and fans and they can’t understand how he could fall for someone who is the opposite of all those things.  The second reason is the cheating.  Let’s face it, this didn’t start AFTER she split from JJ.  We would be naive to believe that.  Personally, I think it started during the filming of SKY.  They are together constantly, in the middle of nowhere, I am sure they got very close.  Even if there was nothing physical, they could have been having an emotional affair…which is often worse than physical.  Although we can argue that with his schedule and her being with JJ, they didn’t actually see each other a lot after filming SKY was over, they still could have been texting and calling, thereby continuing the connection and closeness that was formed during filming.  Looking back, I can’t help but wonder if someone DID see them hooking up in a NYC bar (before the break-up with JJ).  If they did in fact have an emotional connection, add a lot of alcohol to that and you can definitely lose control for a minute.  Obviously, this is my own speculation, but no matter when the physical aspect of their relationship developed, I truly believe, the affair started long before it.  As for the people talking about a possible pregnancy.  I can see it.  Even though Norman is pushing 50 and may not want a baby, as some people pointed out, it may not be up to him.  There are many ways for a woman to “accidentally” get pregnant.  Someone, I think it was PR wife, mentioned that DK’s star faded long ago.  She is definitely someone who will do anything to bring attention to herself.  Well, having NR’s baby would certainly bring the spot light.  It may be far fetched but I think DK is really sketchy and I would not put it past her.  I guess only time will tell if there is a baby as well as how long this thing will last.  We shall see…

Anon:I gave a heads up months ago that Diane had a plan and that she and Norman were playing out a fantasy as if they were living their film “Sky”. Health issues included. But guess what comes next (not the end) ;)

Stephanie Kumke: Maybe it´s not DK in the photo, but come on, a naked bully with lights on it with the message “ Waking  up to good News”… ~~mod~~ maybe she got a job that wasnt in Europe

Anon: Ya’ll need to be realistic. Daryl isn’t the cash cow of TWD anymore. Not sure if no one sees this but the ratings last week dropped. Why weren’t they higher? I mean Daryl was in it a lot yet they weren’t as good as the week before. I’ve noticed whenever Carol and the Kingdom are on the ratings go up. Seems like she’s more of a cash cow now. She makes more viewers tune in. So I really don’t get when people say Daryl is the No 1 cash cow. It’s not true. It may have been years back, but not anymore

Anon: It disgusts the shit out of me when I see people support their relationship and are happy and even say DK is gorgeous. Wtf NOTHING on this woman is gorgeous. She’s manipulative, attention whore and snobby. I can’t believe his fans (not all of them) support her. She’s the worst nightmare. Norman went down to her level. She is unsympathetic to fans, Norman clearly isn’t the man he claimed to be. Not sure if I’m more disappointed or disgusted because he played all of us the whole time for his image

Anon: I think some people are not getting it…NR didnt own anyone anything but he was not coherent and yeah he deceived and lied when he said he doesn’t like cheaters and loves honest people. Regardless of course he have the right to date who the fuck he wants. not my problem. now the way he did it, for someone that calls himself honest is very questionable when you can see CLEARLY how this pics were staged. When you stage pics like that and you claimed for years being the opposite of course  people are going to question who you are and who was the person they have been a fan off all this years. People defended him exactly from this behavior. People defended him when people called him sell out and asshole and manwhore and honestly he just proves the others right. This have nothing to do with DK this have to do with him as a person and how he carries himself. He didnt assume her before because he was sticking his dick somewhere else too and the other kick him to the curb.

dandelioncherokee : Interesting. Norman and Diane are not looking AT EACH OTHER in one single picture. A loving couple would do that ALL THE TIME. One word. FAKE. I honestly haven’t got a clue WHY ALL THIS. Oh Norman,you had it going all good for you.Now I can only pray that the universe will give you another chance,so you can try to fix this. Kisses to you,mod ❤️hope you are alright.~~mod~~ i feel like i got kicked down 10 flights of stairs.. you flirting makes me feel better

Anon: I was just thinking about the happy anniversary post and the ‘comment’. Turns out the DK part of that was true and it makes me wonder how many of the other parts were also true. Maya Angelo said when people show you who they are, believe them the first time. Eyes opened, I get it now and I’m just here for wicked gifs, and weird banter. Good things always come from bad, you’re the good thing Mod.

Anon: Pic look good, his fans on ig congrat to him so lol. Congrat to him too. We know here it so far from jealous but it is about who is this guy. Why he won’t hint their relationship at all.jdm said I think he’s single. So he happy it’s foiod but it different story from why he lid like liar, completely behave another and then be another man. And I didn’t see any pic that he look at her face. He smile to ppl. Wake up idiot fans! ~~mod~~ Please dont call fans idiots we all have our opinion

Anon: Another blog says they KNOW that Norman and DK were a thing since Sky. They supposedly have a source but won’t reveal it, they’re also saying no one knows if cheating was involved because no one knows the status of DK and JJ’ relationship. DK moved to NYC in late 2015 to be with JJ AFTER sky was finished. They bought a home together in LA in early 2016. So if her “source” is correct than yes, they were cheating all along, which makes the dec 2015 rumor seem not so false. They’re disgusting

Anon: Who knows…Maybe they both have an agreement? Maybe he agreed to help her with her image by doing this. He may think what’s the harm in helping a friend?? I am soooooo not on her side…I’m just trying to ration it out. Unfortunately we may never know. I still haven’t seen pics of them full on kissing. That one pic where they’re close looks like he was lighting a smoke. Hand holding? Even friends do that. He seemed pretty drunk anyway. Ugh and her IG? Tries to be like N & HC. UMM no.

Anon: Thinking if the 2 of them together makes me so ill but hey…He’s a big boy. I’ve been going thru the stages of grief (as stupid as that may sound) and I don’t regret smashing my DVD copy of Sky! Didn’t much like it anyway lol now I’m past the anger and just sad. I’m not as mad at N as I was a few days ago but I still think DK is a snake. I hope that he guards his heart from her nasty ways! I also think the whole thing with the paps is strange. N is very impulsive and sometimes too too nice!

Anon:Hahaha I share the same first name as DK, so at least I know when Norman is having sex he is screaming my name. Seriously tho at least she is age appropriate and who cares anyway. You are a fan of his work or not no matter who he is boning.

Anon:Is it me or is Norman avoiding liking DK IG posts? I believe he may have been drunk that night and is regretting what he did

rebellacycle:Are you going to watch jimmy Fallon tonight ? Wonder if he will talk about the new relationship. Or just TWD~~mod~~ i will probaly be asleep. probaly just talk about he twd

Anon:

Norman and Diane are happy and in love so the haters have already lost ✌🏼

Anon:

I have a question for those fans who keep saying things like “Be respectful of Norman’s private life!”…. But they’re the ones who are (unnecessarily!) publicizing it. They staged and sold pics and video. In PDA, the P doesn’t stand for Private. If they are not respecting their own relationship, why should we? Also is talking about Norman’s penis size respecting his privacy? So what exactly do y'all mean? They don’t seem to want that. They want people to talk, comment, click the links.

Anon

:Feel better soon Mod! I don’t understand something about the whole DK Shitshow. If this is legit (and not just publicity) then how come no other gossip sites are picking it up??? TMZ doesn’t have anything to say about it after they just ran the garage pics/got his denial?? It looks like People ENews DM UsWeekly and a few less known sites are the only ones going with it, so how come??? I don’t get it! I don’t understand how Norman can be one thing one day and the TOTAL OPPOSITE the next!??! WTAF

Anon: The photos and the video of NR and DK … Looking at it I just feel DK is walking with his trophy. She wants everybody to see her new toy, her little puppy that she will manipulate as she pleases. DK wants everyone to see his new trophy !! While NR smiles like a fool who does not understand the situation. Yes he became the DK puppet

anon:

I appreciate this blog and your work, but you have to moderate some comments that appear on your site. I read comments accusing Norman of lust after teenage girls. This is defamation and it is very serious. It is unbearable to see all this hate and these lies dumped on an actor we have supposed to love. It is all the more intolerable that currently the world is experiencing serious problems. Thousands of people are dying of hunger, London and Paris are the target of terrorists, but some people prefer to waste their time to dumped their hate on Norman. Treat him as if he was a criminal just because he’s in love and he lied because he didn’t want to reveal his private life in the press.I doubt that you post this message on your blog but I needed to say. Many of us live very difficult moments and see all this hate for a simple relationship is ridiculous. Some may express their disappointment but have no right to invent lies and spill their hatred. Sorry for my aproximative English, I hope to find a warm and funny blog. Good luck to you Mod….

~~mod~~ just a few things. 1.tumblr rarely lets me delete comments, the tumblr app hates me…2. the quickest way to get your post deleted is to say “you probaly wont post this”.. i hate that.

Anon:Hope you feel better soon mod. This is for when you do the bulk: at this point I think I’d be happier finding out he did accidentally get her pregnant one drunken night but actually can’t stand her and did this for appearances only and they aren’t really a thing. At least that way he would be the same guy who just made one huge mistake while intoxicated. One night stands happen all the time. But being with her?? it changes everything about him and it makes him a liar.

Anon:

been two days I haven’t looked at anything to do with N and I still can’t get over this. He’s a complete fake. short of telling us he was abducted by aliens and this was an imposter in his body I will never understand. ’s like he just revealed that he is the opposite of everything he made people believe for the past seven years. Liar. Fake. Hollywood. Stupid. Ingenuine. That’s what this makes him look like now. It makes me want to cry. someone say it was all a nightmare. where’s the real norman

Anon

:Happy Today, Mod! I hope your body parts will all in good working order soon. Please take care of yourself. The drama of Norman Reedus means nothing in the long run. Kind people like you who take the time to create community are what matters!

Anon:If DK’s marrage broke down because she cheating then norman gotta run far and fast, they cheat WITH you they cheat ON you. You should look at enty and type in Norman reedus/Diane Kruger this shit been stirring for a while Anon:Will Jimmy Fallon grill Norman about DK? ~~mod~~ dont know

Anon

:Have you seen the pap walk pics & videos?? Omg I’ll swear DK slipped a Mickey Finn in Norman’s whiskey. For him to agree to call the paps on himself, something was totally wrong with him! I don’t recognize that Norman. DK is destructive & opportunistic. She manipulated her way into his life from day one when she recommended him for the SKY role. She is as TOXIC as they come! Wtf’s he doing with her? He’s in self-destructive mode, I pray he comes to his senses in Ga surrounded by good ppl.

Anon:Diane manipulates the media and manipulates Norman. An avid woman who likes to manipulate her little world. How can people defend it? I saw her in truth, she behaves like a haughty princess.

Anon:I no longer see goodness in Norman.

Anon

:Just canceled my trip to San Fran wsc. I was gonna meet him but I can’t even look at him nevermind meet him. How are we supposed to pretend he’s the same guy? He’s NOT what he told us he was! It’s NOT bc of a gf but 1) that it’s HER of all ppl (she is the epitome of famewhore sell out and no one I’ve talked to who met her have ANYTHING nice to say) and 2) He LIED about everything. He’s not any of the things we thought, made his reps look stupid and sold out to let himself be papped. WTF is that

anon

: Personally I’m wondering if she got him drunk, got him to agree to this to make the rumors look true, and that he was too wasted to care. This is NOT the guy we know and love. This is also coming from a mutual friend of his not just some fan. he never calls the media, like TMZ on himself. He’s a private, fairly normal dude, and that’s why I think DK set it up. To boost her American publicity and get noticed for work here. Sad, sick, and sketchy.

Anon: I’m definitely over reading about it Mod but I don’t understand how anything is gonna go back to the way it was anyway so I vote to keep it on the main blog. He’s a lying jerk and this is what we have to see now every day because how can we not if he’s seriously with her. I think I’m gonna have to quit being his fan altogether bc I can’t take her I don’t want to see her ridiculous face every single time he goes anywhere ~~mod~~ here the  thing its an N blog, i dont have to post anything with her in it. im really good at cropping things out of pics.

God, I feel like the only time I ever write in my life is when the shit hits the fan. In part, I believe its because I use writing as a way to express how I’m feeling, it helps me to put all my negative emotions into something and vent without having to necessarily feel bad that I have just word vomited all my feelings and thoughts onto someone. Writing has always been my way of dealing and coping with the things going on around me. Whether that’s related to family, friends, a breakup, my personal struggles - I can’t say I have a great way with words...but that’s not what my writing is about, nor is that why I write. It’s generally quite simple and straight to the point. 

Its about freeing space in my head and knowing that I’ve put all that’s inside in a safe place on a page, or screen. 

But i’ve also realised that i’d like to write about the good things and the positive. I would like to remember the things I did, and more than that I want to remember what I thought in those particular moments, how I felt. I don’t think i do enough of that. As a matter of fact, I know I don’t do enough of that because if I was to scroll through any of the numerous posts I have made throughout my presence here - they would undoubtedly all be about negative emotions. 

But, like I said before - I vent when i write. i write everything I cannot say to anyone. Not because I’m afraid of any judgement that might be passed my way. No. I believe its primarily because I don’t want to pass on MY negativity onto other people. It’s my, personal, negativity and they have nothing to do with it. Nor are they the responsible ones to listen to me vent every so often. And that’s why I love writing. It’s not about seeking advice about a particular problem - what I reach that point, im more than happy to talk to people and brainstorm the possible solutions. But that’s not where I am at the moment. 

I’ve felt this distance from family. From mum and dad. I feel like no matter what they do I get frustrated and irritated. I think a large part of the way I feel about them comes form the shit that they have going on between them. I’m seeing the neverending loop that they’ve created for themselves where they are unhappy, they argue, its a matter of a millisecond when a conversation can go from being perfectly normal (normal is a relative term in my family), but lets say being calm to being a volcanic eruption.  Seriously, I often wonder how I never learned to adapt to this over the years? How have I not found a better way of dealing with their shit? How am I still so affected by their arguments, mood swings, mine-fucking-fields? 

And yet everytime I write about things like this, I don’t seem to be any closer to figuring it out. Maybe i’m doing something wrong? Maybe I need to change the way I write and the way I explore this head and heart of mine. 

I know one thing - I bite my nails out of frustration. I’ve realised that much. and it also only stems from them. I don’t want to blame them for my habit that I can break, but relapse every time things get too overwheling. There is nothing about biting my nails that is soothing of calming; if anything, its even more frustraing because half way through doing the behaviour I realise that I’m doing it and that half of my nail of eaten off and well that just perpetuates the cycle of frustration. 

And I feel like in this writing I have covered five different topics, neither one particularly related or relevant to the other - but that’s OK. At least i’m getting things off my chest - and I will, hopefully, be able to leave it all here, go to bed and start tomorrow fresh. 

I don’t want to let these feeligns govern my days and cloud how i’m feeling. And the thing is - that is exactly what they’re doing. And it’s in part becasue when I come home from work - I am in exactly the same environment as I was when I left - nothing has changed. And its not that nothing has changed from yesterday to today - its that nothing has changed for years. I’m also struggling to grasp how people live like that. I often think about this and I only ever hope to have the courage and strength to leave and get out of any situation that is making me this misrable. And it is, it’s making them both incredibly misrable. Neither one is happy with the current situation. Neither one wants to be in this relationship and yet neither one of them is doing anything about it. And i’m not advocating for divorce, separation or anything drastic like that - but doing something, anything - trying to make things better. Nope. I don’t know how they expect to see a difference in their relationsihp when NOTHING is changin. NOTHING. NOT. ONE. THING. and I know this because I’ve been the witness of their relationship for the past...27 years. Ok maybe give it the last 15 that I can say counts and I can (not fondly) remember. 

I think i’m also tired of going around in circles. Having the same discussions, talks, plans. Yes, lets discuss the trees you want to plant in the garden (the 5 lemons, 3 lime, 4 mandarin trees, 2-3 figs, peaches etc). Oh but no, lets not do anything about this for months - just talk about it. and confirm after every conversation that those are the plants you want to get. Lets confirm, for the 100th time the place where you would like to plant those trees. And then lets not do anything about them. They are YOUR plants. It is YOUR project. Am I the only one here that thinks its OK to have your own projects that the whole family doesn’t need to be a part of? Like, its OK that you want to plant those trees - go and do your research, buy them, plant them, water them...do what ever you want with them, but just DO SOMETHING. 

Same thing with buying a phone. For the love of God, I cannot have another discussion about that. Its like he doesn’t want to buy a phone...and he prides himself if having the money to buy the phone but not doing it. And I dont get it. WHAT AM I MISSING??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! And how do I know he doesn’t want to buy a phone? because everything he does suggests so. He says he wants to buy a phone - asks me to do the research behind it and then, changes the battery to a new one becuase his one is like every other iphone battery - crap. The lock button stops working as does the headphone jack and what does he do? he spends $100 to fix it all. Now its not about the money and spending $130 to fix the little bits to make the phone (which he has memory and internet issues with) last longer. I dont get it. It’s not like he bought a brand new phone a month ago and now iphon 8 has come out and he wants it. No, he has the iphone 4s....and its giving in, one piece of hardware at a time. So, then there we are again - talking about him getting the new phone, but then not really beacuse he’s just spent $100 fixing this one and he doesn’t want to be one of the first ones to have the new phone...because, god knows why. Don’t worry - you wont be. There are about 342974023 other people in the world who have pre-ordered them. But then I think i’m being an absolute asshole who instead of appreaciating this quality and seeing it in a positive way - is putting a negative spin on it and looking at it through the negative lense. Why? Is it because I feel like my time is wasted having talked about the same thing, AGAIN, or is it because I’m sick of my parents not being able to make a decision and stick to it. You’re buying a phone - just make up your mind and do it. The world is not going to fall if you make and execute a decision. Trust me. I feel bored and frustrated having to have these same disussions. The same goes for renovating the kitched...painting the interior of the house - i cannot count the number of times we’ve talked about doing this - at least 20...and yet - absolutely nothing is being done. NOTHING. We havent even moved a milimeter. No dad, bringing home a prospectus of some company X that will charge an arm and a leg and then asking me to go onto their website to have a look at everything - no, thant is not making progress. That is you superficially finding something and then delegating and passing on the task to me. To do all the time-wasting research which wont result in anything other than - it’s too expensive. Should we invest in this kitchen - are we even going to stay here? Are we selling the house? What are we doing with our lives? Aaagh. and we are back to square one. But no, you can do that research too. You are more than competent to research your news paper online - you can google this. Ooooh but no, the language is a barrier, not knowing how to use the app, the phone, the ipad. You know what, that’s another thing that gets on my nerves. This constant need to be shown how to do thigs on the iphone, ipad. CMON people! These devices were designed for idiots! Kids under the age of 5 use them!!! KIDS. Yeah, the little people that cant count to 20. They use them with ease. So why cant you? And the most common response I get is, well just think about all the things we had to teach you and ha ha ha oh look how its all coming back. Yeah, the only difference is that when you were teaching me you had the expectation that I would LEARN and we wouldn’t be going over the same things over and over and over again - 5 years down the line. The only difference is that I learned. I had to. and you, for some reason, dont feel like you have to. And that “some reason” being your dependency on me always being here. Here to fix the phone, here to fix the ipad, here to call vodafone, here to call tower...enough. ENOUGH PLEASE. You’ve used your immigration status as an excuse to not learn anything new, to boycot technology - which is the driving force of the time we live in. Do I love it - no. Do I need it - yes. and that’s where the story end. I need it and therefore I will learn what I need to. You talk about being sick that you have to depend on me, or someone to help you with things. Do you know how you overcome that? BY LEARNING. By WANTING TO KNOW. By being interested. You have to WANT TO be independent, self-reliant in order to be it. and don’t get me wrong, that doesn’t mean that I am never there to help and i just tell you to google things that you dont know. Absolutely not, but for the love of God, show some initiative. Show me that you’ve tried - that you’ve gone - hey, i’ve done this this and this and its still not working. What am I doing wrong - and then we’ll look at it together. but dont just come to me after hte first hiccup with your hands up in the air holding a white flag. 

Oh and while I am on the topic of doing something after the first hiccup - what is your deal with coming and waking me up in the morning to tell me ridiculously UNIMPORTANT things? No dont wake me up. Respect that i’m sleeping and if what you have to tell me isn’t a matter of life or death - please, realise that it can wait an hour or two while I wake up and then we can talk about it. I dont want to be jumped before having even opened my eyes, with something that is so minor and irrelevant in the bigger scheme of things. How do I put all this nicely? How do I say this in a way that is encompased in love, care, compassion, and understanding? 

I am sick of being told I am harsh and judgemental and unreasonable. I’m that way becuase I can’t handle all the things that are constantly thrown at me. I am sick of seeing what the problem is and knowing that nothing will ever be done about it. How do you not understand that that’s extremly difficult to deal with and handle? How is that such a foreign concept to you? Anyway - I know that I need to be more compassionate and kind - but I struggle to find those feelings and reserves of understanding for you. And that, in general, makes me incredibly sad. To think that I have the capacity to be that for everyone else, but you. Even though I know that those people are the same as you. They are probably running around in their own circles and neverending loops. 

So, lets start here - I WILL BE A BIGGER PERSON, FOR MYSELF. I WILL NOT LET OTHERS DARKEN MY ENERGY AND FREQUNCY. I WILL NOT RESOND BLINDLY TO THE PROVOCATIONS OF OTHERS. THESE WILL ALWAYS BE THERE, AROUND ME. WHAT I WILL DO IS TAKE A COUPLE OF SECONDS TO GROUND MYSELF IN ANY SITUATION. I WILL TAKE DEEP BREATHS AND I WILL THINK BEFORE RESPONDING. I WILL REMEMBER THAT THEIR ENERGY ISN’T MINE AND I DON’T, BY ANY MEANS, NEED TO EMBRACE AND BECOME IT. NO. I HAVE MY OWN ENERGY, I HAVE MY OWN BUBBLE AND I WILL CHOSE WHAT COMES THRUGH. IF I’M IN A SHITTY MOOD - THATS DIFFERENT. IN THAT CASE, I WILL NOT PROJECT IT ONTO THER PEOPLE - BUT I WILL BE ABLE TO SEPRARETE THE TWO AND KNOW THAT I AM THE ONE THAT IS IN THE BAD MOOD - AND THE OTHER PERSON ISN’T RESPONSBILE FOR IT, NOR ARE THEY THE DESIGNATED TARGET OF IT. SO, I WILL STEP BACK - I WILL CONSCIOUSLY BE PRESENT AND AWARE THAT i NEED TO SEPARATE MY MOOD AND APPROACH THEM IN A NEUTRAL WAY. 

WHEN IT COMES TO FAMILY - THIS IS ESPECIALLY IMPORTANT. I NEED TO PRACTICE KINDNESS, APPRECIATION, COMPASSION, AND LOVE. FOR WHAT AND WHO THEY ARE. FOR WHAT THEY DO. I KNOW I FORGET THIS - AND SO I BELIEVE ITS IMPORTANT THAT I REMIND THEM AS WELL AS MYSELF. I NEED TO FIND A WAY TO DO THIS. I KNOW I AM NOT THE BEST WITH WORDS - IN TERMS OF SPEAKING - BUT WRITING, WRITING I CAN DO. SO I WILL NEED TO THINK ABOUT THAT. I ALSO NEED TO REMEMBER THAT EVERYTHING THEY DO - THEY DO OUT OF LOVE. SO WHEN THEY SAY WE DONT SEE YOU  - ITS BECAUSE THEY WANT TO SPEND QUALITY TIME TOGETHER. I WILL FIND TIME TO BE TOGETHER AND MAKE IT COUNT. I WILL NOT BE AN ASSHOLE I NAMCOR TO THEM BECUSE THEY DONT DESERVE IT. I NEED TO KEEP DEVELOPING IN THIS EMOTINOAL INTELLIGENCE SPACE AND WHILE THEY MAY NOT HAVE THE KNOWLEDGE - I DO. AND THAT IS SOMETHING I CAN USE TO BOTH MINE AND THEIR ADVANTAGE. I CAN STEP UP MY GAME AND NOT LET THINGS GET OUT OF HAND. THIS IS SOMETHING I CAN DO AND IF IT CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE I WILL DO IT.