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a-stitch-in-time-and-space · 4 years

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You ask for prompts and I'm here again to seek new content to read: 3. How often do/can they see each other (due to living on different planets, having stressful jobs, etc) with Gashir (/Garakshir) 🤩🤩

Eyyyyy. I am just gonna… casually fold into this… a little trans-Bashir as a treat…. because it’s trans day of visibility!!! Also I hc Cardassians as intersex, in the sense of they as a species don’t call themselves intersex, but their genders are far more loosely determined at birth, because there’s not really sexual dimorphism (or rather, there is, but it’s so many different factors that it’s not classified) and then gendering comes later in life depending on what role they’re supposed to play in society ahem – different post to make!

Also Garak has a tail in this, also casually.. also this got longer than intended… oops?

—– Letter Analysis ——

Their lives have a sort of normality that many families in this day and age exist with. Space travel, careers that necessitate being off-planet for long stretches at a time, the struggles of being a representative for entire planets or systems, all of this isn’t out of the ordinary.

Still, it takes them a little while to adjust, if only because they spent so long not getting it together that now that they have, well, they want to savour it. On the flip-side their relationship functions much better than so many who enter into partnerships of some kind without fully considering the difficulties of spending so much time apart and inevitably crumble.

Because of all that time they know, without a doubt, that their lives are entwined for good, regardless of how much of it they spend without one another’s physical company.

They fall into letter-writing naturally. After all, they had been doing the same before, why stop now.

It has become something of a competition at this point: who can write the longest letter. Thus far, Julian is winning and Elim is still in the process of reading his when they see one another again. He pretends to be blasé about it, but Julian can read him easily these days. He wonders at the time when he couldn’t and can’t really picture it.

While Elim is giving him a back-handed compliment at the way he’s managed to fold three words worth of content into whole paragraphs, Julian realises that he’s never known anyone as well as he knows Elim. And every detail of himself is known in turn. From the scars of his chest surgery that he purposefully kept, to the ridges at the base of Elim’s tail, it feels like everything about them was perfectly made for the other.

It’s strange, how many tiny moments are filled with love, they both learn.

(After Elim sends him a letter of 3000 pages, Julian simply answers: You win).

They consider what it would be like to have a family with the way their lives are run. Elim generally lives on Cardassia unless his diplomatic duties take him elsewhere, while Julian is hopping from emergency to medical find to distress call to conference.

Still, they approach the matter on the premise that it will happen. Their letters during these years follow a trajectory of thought with little variation, as they can’t actually be together for the discussion.

They discuss pregnancy – both of them are capable of bearing a child, but the time needed (nine earth months for humans, even longer for cardassians) makes it a challenging prospect. Moreover Julian and Elim, each for their own reason, have issues with concepts surrounding an uncontrollable force fundamentally changing their bodies.

It doesn’t take them long to agree that adoption was always the only option. Still there’s the matter of their careers being incompatible with children. Neither of them wants to put a child in harm’s way and both of their careers contain elements of danger. I believe, writes Elim drily and with an underlying sadness that Julian wishes he could heal, that this sixth assassination attempt may contain a sign that a child would not be particularly safe in my company.

The way this resolves itself is oddly perfect for what they need and who they are and comes through both of their continued work with mixed-species war-orphans, who more often than not are homeless, ostrasized and suffering from any number of easily treatable diseases. Garak opens a series of institutions in the name of Ziyal and habitually lends a hand in their various gardens where he befriends a number of the kids.

This plan also works to ground a lot of Julian’s focus in the space of mixed-species research, specifically writing papers on the future of the galaxy needing to see species integration for the sake of these kids as an inevitability as cultures mix and to understand the medical and cultural implications thereof.

Kira and Ro get heavily involved on the Bajoran side of things – in general a bunch of adults from DS9 days come together to give kids a better chance than they had.

Beyond that though, they come to realise that they’re okay on family. With these kids – many of whom they get to know personally over the years – with Molly and Yoshi O'Brien and Rebecca Sisko getting older and the two of them functioning as uncles, there’s more than enough for them to be getting on with on the children front: Elim and I were very happy to see you all again – Don’t worry, I’ll keep Yoshi safe – we’ll be making a stop at Bajor where Nerys is very excited to see him again –

Their circle is actually a sizeable, cross-galaxy household. They come to realise that it doesn’t matter if your family is someone you can’t see often, what matters is they’re all inhabiting the same space.

They don’t argue often. With the lack of time they have together, what would be the point of raising petty squabbles. There are things like the time Julian forgot about a very important dinner that Elim was a guest of honour at, which opened up a box of the kind of loneliness Elim thought he’d overcome, but it wasn’t about anger or arguing, it was about the two of them figuring out that sometimes this not seeing one another was actually damned hard. It was about asking for forgiveness and receiving it even before the asking. It was about making sure that they wouldn’t let things ever be unsaid, because their time together – comparative to their whole lives – was always going to be so short.

The actual worst long-standing consequence is that Elim and Julian are political celebrities, and so whatever tabloid-equivalent exists publishes one thousand pieces on their apparently irreconcilable relationship. Julian finds himself referred to as everything from a “heartthrob who found he needed more,” to “a cheater who habitually has several affairs at once.”

It’s amazing, remarks Elim in his latest letter, how these kinds of spurious articles are written even today, and how they still don’t seem to know the facts. On that note I hope you have a wonderful time with Data, and Parmak sends his love from my lap - it’s making it very hard to write this.

They’re both twenty years older by now, but things aren’t slowing down with their work by the looks of things. Julian’s work centres more and more on the various groups whose medical needs are considered less valid or even non-medical, because of their social status and who often have medical issues of kinds that don’t come up in normative societies – mixed-species, augments, A.I. (for awhile his standing suffers, when he argues that mechanical needs for A.I. ought to be taught in Starfleet Medical), non-bipedal species, Ex-B’s, Jem'Hadar, clones.

Elim keeps his Carrington Award on the wall for everyone to see. Partly to mess with him – To The Prestigious Winner of the CA – many of his letters begin for several years after, but mostly out of pride.

(In return and with as much love, Julian addresses him as Ambassador and Castellan – the joke evolves as they find ever more flowery titles for one another. Julian wins this one: My Dearest, the Ambassador to the United Federation of planets, Castellan of the Cardassian Union, Blusher when Being Whispered Compliments about the Length of Your Tail, Not-So-Secret Reader of Austen and Pratchett, Seducer of Doctors (No Doubt Currently Spluttering in Denial), Possessor of Biteable Ridges (Blushing Again, I Hope) and of My Heart… this opening continues a further four pages. The letter itself reads: I expect to land on Cardassia within the next three days. Surprise.)

At the end of it all, Julian finally comes to Cardassia for good. Along the way it’s become his home more than any planet, station, starship, or system, for the simple fact that he’s been returning to Elim, and Elim is home.

There’s a strangeness to all the time they have. The walks they take, the languid mornings, the discussions of books they’ve read whilst in each other’s company, it’s all far more surreal than the years spent wanting to see one another again and catching whatever moments they could.

They can’t shake the habit of writing one another letters, even as they’re sitting in the same room. They don’t need to be long or well-formed any more, although occasionally silly competitions spring up, just for fun.

The one Julian’s reading right now, as Elim’s tail languidly curls around his waist, simply says: I am glad that you’re finally home – E

–— The End ——

Submissions for drabbles are now closed, thank you for sending me asks!

#Julian Bashir #Elim Garak #Garashir #ds9 #st: ds9 #star trek #fanfic #writing

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edosianorchids901 · 5 years

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“I can tell you’re lying.” angst

Thank you so much for the prompt!

Read on AO3 - there’s something horrifically broken with Tumblr’s mobile formatting and it refuses to let me fix it, so AO3 is likely your best bet if you’re on mobile.

Julian stormed down the corridors of their capturedJem’Hadar ship. Garak had gone too far this time, he really had. Months of jibesand passive aggressive remarks, and now this. Enough. It stopped now.

He turned the corner and found Garak already working. “Ah,Doctor. Good. I could use a hand with this power grid. It doesn’t seem to likeme, and we are on a tight repair schedule.”

Repair schedule bedamned. “We need to talk.”

Garak peered at him over a half-removed panel. “What we needis to complete these repairs. Or have you forgotten that we’re on a Jem’Hadarship with no warp capability? You were the one who made the calculations, afterall. Seventeen years, two months, and three days to Federation space, Ibelieve.”

“It’s about that, actually.”

“Oh?” Lips pursed, Garak peeled the panel off and set itdelicately on the floor. “Did your genetically enhanced mind malfunction? Aglitch in the code somewhere, perhaps?”

“What is wrong with you?”

“I believe the question is what’s wrong with you, my dearDoctor.”

“Don’t you ‘dear Doctor’ me,” Julian clenched his fists andstruggled to keep his tone level. It came out flat instead. “How dare you. Howdare you say things like that to me. Is your mind really so twisted that youthink it’s acceptable?”

Garak turned, taking on a combative stance. His gaze lockedon Julian’s with a startling intensity. “Whatever are you talking about?”

Now he was playing games? “I’m talking about all your damnedinsinuations. The smug, superior attitude that makes people like me sounpopular? The computer agrees with me because we think alike? Remember?”

Garak snorted. “Really, Julian. Is now the time to discussyour insecurities?”

“If you know they’re insecurities, why do you keep poking atthem?”

“You do recall you’re dating a Cardassian?” Sharp impatienceflashed in Garak’s eyes. “Cardassians argue quite frequently with our partners.And have you forgotten how you responded to my mention of your smug superiority?You certainly seemed to recognize the remark as a flirtation then, judging byhow quickly you removed my clothes.”

Heat suffused Julian’s entire body, heartbeat pounding inhis ears. “You’re an absolute asshole, you know that?”

“I believe you were well acquainted with me before we begandating. And now you take exception?”

“This is different!”

“What is different?” Garak tipped his jaw back and gaveJulian the look he usually reserved for his most frustrating customers. “Ourenvironment, certainly. Ah, but that’s not it. Of course. It’s that you’ve lostyour mask.”

What the hell was he on about now? “My mask?”

“You’re quite exposed these days, all your secrets scatteredto the wind. Perhaps it’s simply that you miss being able to hide.”

“You would know all about hiding, wouldn’t you? You’re doingit right now.” Julian stepped closer, right into Garak’s personal space.“You’re still hiding behind insults and passive aggressive remarks.”

“Oh, I’ve stepped quite beyond passive aggressive and into purely‘aggressive’, as have you.” Garak flashed a bright, patronizing smile. “Andwhat dark secret am I hiding from, Doctor? Tell me, since you seem to havepsychoanalyzed me. What childhood trauma do you plan to unearth this time?”

Julian’s throat went dry, and he struggled to get the wordsout. “Actually, I’d like to talk about my own childhood trauma.”

Garak stepped back, his own mask shattering under confusion.“That’s hardly the topic.”

“No, it is the topic. It’s been the topic all this time, allthese months. It’s just not on the surface.” Julian squared his shoulders. “So,let’s bring it to the surface.”

Silence descended in the corridor, only broken by irritablebeeps from the still-damaged power grid. Then Garak gave a bow, sweeping hisarms wide. “I am at your disposal, Doctor.”

“Still with all the glib bullshit. Drop it.” This was it.The question that sat between them at meals, shared their bed, lurked behindevery exchange. “Does it bother you that I’m genetically enhanced?”

Hesitation. Just a split second of hesitation. “Of coursenot, Julian.”

So, that was it. Julian’sthroat throbbed, and his stomach twisted. “I can tell you’re lying,” he said, holdingeye contact.

Garak was the one who looked away. “My dear, I—”

“I’m not even sure if you realize it.” Each breath becamemore of a struggle, and Julian leaned against the wall. Cold metal leeched heatfrom his body, and he shivered. “Do you realize it, Garak? Is your crueltyintentional or is it subconscious?”

“My cruelty?” Garak’s lip quivered and he gave a small headshake. “No, I was merely—”

“Don’t deny it. Just tell me the truth. Just this once.”

Motions slow and deliberate, Garak disconnected theremaining wiring. “It is…an adjustment,” he finally said.

As if Julian hadn’t been plunged into his own adjustmentthese past months, hadn’t spent every waking moment feeling the stares, thewhispers… “An adjustment.”

“Perhaps not an adjustment I’ve handled particularly well.”None of his usual theatrics permeated Garak’s manner. His tone was low, expressionthoughtful. Something—remorse, perhaps—flashed across his face. “I believe I’vebeen attempting to deny my discomfort.”

“You are damn good at denial.” Julian hugged his armstighter across his chest. Damn it, he should have brought this up months ago,back when he’d noticed the shift in Garak’s behavior. Garak wasn’t breaking upwith him yet, so this was already going better than expected. Should have just gottenit out of the way sooner. “You didn’t notice that you’ve been sniping at me formonths?”

Garak winced, still fiddling with the wires. “As I said, I wassomewhat in denial. Whatever my own troubles with the situation, they pale incomparison to your own. I know I haven’t been the most supportive—”

“I’m not worried about that, not right now.” In a way, theso-called support had been even worse. The cheery attempts to act like nothingwas wrong, the tentativeness. “I just want to have an open conversation withyou.”

Garak’s expression closed like an airlock during suddendecompression. “If that’s what you desire, you may have chosen the wrongpartner.”

Damn him. “Really? Is that it, then? Are we finished?”

The sudden panic in Garak’s eyes brought Julian moresatisfaction than he’d have ever cared to admit. Served him right. He should bepanicking, after all the suffering he’d inflicted.

“Fine, you want an open conversation?” Garak asked. “It doesbother me. For months, I’ve been asking myself who—or what—I fell in love with.Did that person really exist? Or were you merely a construct of your parents’hopes and dreams? I even questioned whether you’d been specifically programmedto appeal to me, perhaps as some sort of covert operation. After all, youappear to be everything I find attractive.”

It was like being pummeled repeatedly in the chest. “Howcould you possibly think that? Are you really that paranoid?”

Garak rolled his eyes. “You hardly need to ask thatquestion.”

No. No more damned evasion. “I do need to ask.”

To his credit, Garak didn’t look away this time. “Then, yes.I’ve spent these last months wondering who Julian Bashir truly is. Whether the personI love is a fabrication. Whether you are who you claim to be. Whether I knowwho you are at all.”

An odd sound burst from Julian. Laughter.

Garak stared at him as if he’d sprouted several additionallimbs. “Julian?”

“Oh, this is just too damn much.” Julian shook his head. Heshould have expected this, should have seen it. It was a perfectly reasonablething to wonder, really. But coming from Garak?

“What is too damn much?”

Julian fixed him with a direct look. “Don’t you think I’veever wondered the same thing about you? Elim Garak, the plain simple tailor.Except that you’re not at all. And you lie for fun, Garak. At least I was only lying for self-protection.”

Garak drew back, expression as wounded as if Julian hadslapped him. “After all this time, do you understand me so little?”

No matter how long they knew each other, he’d likely neverunderstand Garak. At least, not fully. “In what sense?”

The power grid gave another insistent beep. Garak slowlydisconnected the last wire, brow ridges casting deep shadows over his eyes.When he spoke, it was in a tight, strained voice. “Has it ever occurred to youthat perhaps I lie, not merely for entertainment, but because telling the truthhas never been safe for me either?”

The gap between them closed before Julian even realized hewas moving. He pulled Garak into a hug and buried his face against cool scales.

Garak stiffened in his hold, not breathing. Then he put hisarms around Julian and gave a low hum.

“I miss you.” Julian’s voice cracked, and he cleared histhroat. “I miss how things were. I’m still Julian.”

Oddly, Garak chuckled. “Just with an additional lightsprinkling of trauma?”

More than a light sprinkling, but the joke lifted some ofthe heaviness from Julian’s chest. “Something like that, yeah.”

Garak detached from the embrace, his expression unusuallyopen. “I’ve missed you as well.”

Enough heavy conversation—that admission was enough for now.“Well, now that we’ve sorted out our own respective crises…shall we fix thispower grid before the Jem’Hadar blow us up?” Julian asked with a tight smile.

“A wise precaution.” Garak bent over his work, and Julianjoined him. They could sort out the rest later, when things quieted down.

#garashir #garak x bashir #elim garak #julian bashir #star trek #deep space nine #ds9 #prompted writing #plain simple writing

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ameerawritesstuff · 7 years

Text

Garashir Prompted Writing

#10 and #43 as requested by @eilupt

10 “You are a bloody idiot, you know that?”

“You are a bloody idiot, you know that?” Julian laughed as he walked into Garak’s shop.

“Hello to you too, doctor.” Garak smiled. “Anything I can help you with?”

“Helpful?” Julian scoffed. “You? Unlikely!” He crossed his arms with an amused smirk.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I hadn’t realized you only came here to scold me.” Garak countered. This was an interesting way to begin the conversation. Garak was curious as to where it would go.

“You’re the one who established debate and argument as the basis of our interactions.” Julian pointed out. “Of course, that’s what makes you a bloody idiot.”

“If you can’t handle a good argument, I’m sorry.” Garak shrugged. “I thought you were enjoying our lunches.”

“Oh, I have been.” Julian walked over to the work table and leaned on it. “Immensely, in fact.”

“So then why am I an idiot?”

“Because you thought I wouldn’t find out that you’ve been flirting.” Julian smiled. Garak froze. Oh no. “Or you thought I’d figure it out without any damned assistance from you, so you’ve wasted all this time.”

“Doctor, what are you talking about?” He feared this day would come. Julian would discover his feelings and laugh in his face.

“Miles told me Cardassians flirt through argument.” Julian explained. “Which means you’ve been practically begging me to do this.” He grabbed Garak by the collar and kissed him. “But you know, you could have just made a real move ages ago.”

43 “Well this is a surprise”

“Well this is a surprise.” Was all Garak could think to say when he walked into his quarters to see Julian sitting on his couch with a bottle of Saurian brandy. A mostly empty bottle. “Are you alright, doctor?”

“I’m drunk.” Julian held up the bottle and swished the remaining alcohol around.

“I can tell.” He said carefully. “I hope you weren’t drinking alone.” There were few things sadder than drinking alone, Garak was all too familiar with the act.

“Not alone.” Julian waved a hand. “Well, yes, I’m alone, since Leeta broke up with me. But I wasn’t drinking alone.”

“I’m sorry to hear that, doctor.” Garak said. He was sorry that his friend was sad, though there was that damned nagging hope that was sparked every time one of Julian’s relationships ended. “I thought things were going well, after all, you went to Risa together.”

“Oh, that was all part of the breakup.” Julian laughed. He seemed oddly amused by it all. “Bajoran tradition. Sex. Lots of it. Honestly, the best breakup I’ve ever had.”

“You don’t seem to be taking it all that well, though.” Garak sat down next to Julian and took the bottle away from him. Luckily, Julian didn’t fight him.

“No, no, Leeta and I are fine.” Julian shook his head. “I mean, it was never all that serious, and she’s in love with Rom.” Garak’s eyes widened in surprise. “I know, right? I got dumped for Rom.” He chuckled.

“Doctor, this is all very interesting.” He paused, trying to put it delicately. “But why did you break into my quarters to tell me this?”

“Well, I mean…” Julian looked at Garak with pleading eyes. “She’s a Dabo girl, right? No one can deny she’s beautiful and people will probably give her trouble if she dates a Ferengi.” Julian frowned. “A somewhat failed Ferengi at that.”

“It’s alright to feel confused.” Garak soothed. “In my opinion, she’s certainly making a mistake.” Julian shook his head.

“She’s in love, Garak!” He sighed. “I just wish I was brave enough to risk so much for love, you know? What if he rejects her? What if it causes trouble on the station?”

“I’m sure you’d be willing to take that risk if you were in a similar situation.” Garak smiled. It was odd for him to be comforting anyone, it wasn’t really in character for him, but he didn’t mind doing it for Julian.

“You’re right…” Julian bit his lip. “I would.” And just like that, Garak found himself being kissed.

#garak x bashir #garak/bashir #bashir/garak #garak #elim garak #julian bashir #dr. julian bashir #star trek #star trek ds9 #fanfic #garashir

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autisticandroids · 7 years

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DS9 for the fandom ask

The first character I first fell in love with:

okay so storytime: i actually watched ds9 out of order, because when i’m at home i mostly watch trek with my parents. we were running out of good tng, and mum and dad were like “hey, everyone likes ds9 even though we hated it back when it aired, let’s watch it” and i was like “nooooooo, dataaaaaa” and they were like “we’re watching it.”

so we watched emissary and they were like “this sucks” and i was like “but i heard worf is there in later seasons let’s jump” and so i picked a random middle season and that’s how i started ds9 with season five.

anyway, the first character i really fell in love with was odo, oddly enough. or rather, not oddly at all because he is superficially smack dab in the middle of my Ideal Character Type, but i later got quite disillusioned with him because of the show’s uncritical attitude towards his Police-ness, the way he is set up as a Protagonist of the show instead of the lovable quirky side-boy, and his conspicuous lack of gender complexity (he is the most comfortably masculine of the spocks, and it’s a symptom of ds9′s uncritical valorization of masculinity, degradation of femininity, and specifically villification of male femininity)

The character I never expected to love as much as I do now:

okay so there are three answers to this that each deserve equal space.

first, ben. ben ben ben ben ben. my love, whom i adore, and care very much about. it took me so long to understand him.

i spent the first maybe..... two months? of watching ds9 ranting at my mother for three hours a day about how benjamin sisko had the possibility to be such a good character with so much potential if he wasn’t so INCONSISTENTLY WRITTEN. i really couldn’t understand him. i wanted to love him but i couldn’t get inside his head. i spent all of my time wishing that he’d been better written so i could have the character i wanted him to be

this has a lot to do with the fact that i need to understand a character’s ethical system, why they follow it, and what efects it has on them to really understand a character, especially in a series as driven by ethical dilemmas as star trek. most characters i get get a read on it fairly quickly. to use the other two characters i’m about to list here, julian bashir is an idealist, in a way that’s rooted in a combination of naivete and his raging god/hero complex. elim garak has no morality, just a system of loyalties that he will follow to the death, and a sense of propriety based on rather conservative cardassian ideals; this has a lot to do with his tendency to dehumanize other people, and to not see himself as a person with agency but rather as a tool, as well as his rather uncritical patriotism.

anyway, i just could not figure out captain sisko. i couldn’t do it. and then i read hollow men, and it all slid into place.

the funniest running gag/plot point in hollow men (which takes place directly after in the pale moonlight, an episode which i fumed about for WEEKS after watching it) is ben sisko going around to approximately every member of starfleet who outranks him and begging them to yell at and punish him. and none of them will do it, because he did, you know, actually do the right thing.

before this, i had assumed that his ethical beliefs had been carelessly and inconsistently written. after, i realized that he was actually a hypocrite, of a very particular type. specifically, three things are true about his worldview/psychology and they’re totally incompatible. first, he truly, genuinely believes that a Good Starfleet Officer is a Moral Paragon of Perfect Idealistic Purity. second, he is a pragmatist who will always, in the end, do what needs doing. but third, most importantly: he needs to believe that he is a Good Starfleet Officer. this is why he is always so surprised at himself when he must Do Something Bad, and yet always so willing to do it. why it always throws him into a crisis. he has to lie to himself about things in order to function. he’s also incapable of maintaining a healthy level of detachment from affairs at hand, even though in the end he will generally make the right decision. he gets very emotionally involved in things, in all sorts of way: he holds a personal grudge against eddington. he gets angry at garak at the end of in the pale moonlight. hell, he gets caught up by dukat’s friendly and charming demeanor and happily banters with him despite knowing he’s a monster. ben is very bad at taking a step back. and that was the piece i was missing.

next: julian. here’s the story on julian: whether i like a character depends very much on how they’re framed. and i fucking hated the framing he got from both the show and the fandom. i’m not interested in julian as the audience avatar the way he is framed in the show, nor am i interested in him as the naive baby/perfect caretaker/sidekick boyfriend/garak’s pet twink that he is in the fandom. i don’t care for it.

now, i thought i hated julian bashir in an uncomplicated way for a long time. but about four months into my watching of ds9, three things happened at once: first, i began bingeing season seven seven with my parents. you know, the season where julian goes off the rails to the point where the show can’t lie to itself anymore. second, i hit a string of julian/miles episodes on my own personal runthrough of the earlier seasons. and third, i realized that i talked more about julian bashir than almost any character except mr garak, and that....... normally doesn’t happen with characters i straight up hate.

julian is a perfect, beautiful nastyboy antihero who thinks he’s hot shit and the savior of the galaxy. and i love him for it. but i couldn’t love him for it when i thought that i was supposed to love him for being a different character. which he wasn’t.

third, and this is the one that’s gonna shock EVERYBODY: i didn’t like garak at first. and the thing is, garak is like odo: he’s my type, to a t. mr queercoded (ex-)villain, wildly gnc, utterly fucked up, no healthy coping mechanisms we die like men and yet still dangerous through all of it.

but see, i started with season five. and his first episode of season five involves him 1) being a racist asshole and 2) not doing anything else of note. so i was like ???????????? why don’t i love this guy like everyone says i should. sooooooo i went back and watched past prologue. and i didn’t care for it. past prologue is a VERY badly written episode, on a number of levels. first of all, garak doesn’t make any attempts to not be obviously suspicious. second of all, he CREEPS ON JULIAN IN THAT FIRST SCENE IN A WAY THAT MAKES MY SKIN ABSOLUTELY CRAWL JESUS CHRIST. third, it just isn’t a very good episode. imo.

AAAAANYWAY so instead of giving up like a sensible person i kept skipping through garak episodes one after the other. i enjoyed cardassians (although the resolution was, imo, Bad), and i absolutely LOVED profit and loss, (although that was as much for the quodo as for garak), and then i got to the wire. here’s the thing about the wire: it is a LOT of emotional turmoil for a character who we’ve only seen in three episodes. it helped me reconcile my biggest issue with garak (that he seems like a spy when he should be able to seem innocuous since he has spy training; he acts suspicious bc he was high and also as a form of self-sabotage) and it also made me more attached to both him and julian, but also...... after watching it, i felt like i should have been more invested going in. i felt like i didn’t Feel enough, because i didn’t know him (or julian, really) well enough.

so i kept going on my garakbinge. the first time i felt maybe a touch of the emotions i feel for him now was in second skin. it was when he vaporized that obsidian order agent after bantering with him and quipped “a shame, i rather liked him”. and then the other charcters turned and looked at him in absolute horror. deep in my gut i felt a little bell go off. a bell that said damn that is a good piece of writing. because like, action hero style quips right? actually kind of a brutal and terrifying concept. no one ever points that out. and like..... god damn is he quick with the quips.

and then.... then........

civil defense. civil defense helped me to truly understand what kind of monster garak is. what makes him tick. and it’s all in the scene where he insults dukat for hitting on kira. what he focuses on in his insults? the fact that dukat is married, and calling dukat unattractive. he focuses on dukat’s failings according to Propriety (that he’s slipping around on his wife) and as a man (that he’s an incompetent seducer/unnatractive). he doesn’t comment on the fantastic rapey-ness of the situation, doesn’t comment on the fact that what dukat wants is one last validation that his role in colonialism was justified/is forgiven. it showed me that garak dehumanizes everyone, yes, and thinks of himself as above everyone (except, as i was to learn later, the Objects of his Loyalty), but that he had two categories. non-cardassians couldn’t know any better. they were sub-cardassian by nature. they could never be held to the same standard. whereas cardassian should know better. they should be better. the fact that they’re not is their own personal failing. this racist principle controls garak’s entire way of relating to other people, and i didn’t understand him until i understood it.

and then........

improbable cause/the die is cast. never has a piece of television quite so effectively Totally Destroyed My Ass.

improbable cause is a smart little piece of comedy that brilliantly develops a relationship that has a ton of potential: garak&odo. they’re both brilliant on their own, but together they reach new levels, and the writing is glorious.

the die is cast is a harrowing walk through elim garak’s daddy issue riddled psyche and i don’t know if i could not-love any character after watching them go through that shit.

the mood whiplash between the two episodes is ingenious, the writing is tight, and the emotions? very real. i was so invested. i decided i was ready to die for elim garak at about exactly the moment odo punched him in the face.

The character everyone else loves that I don’t:

jadzia dax. she’s the only in the credits-main character who i truly cannot muster up some love for, somewhere. the only time i ever enjoyed an episode focused on her was rejoined (yeah, shocking, i know). jadzia dax is a sex object who is defended from accusations of being a sex object by doing two things: 1) giving her a superficial list of traits (sass, scientific knowhow, some fighting skills) associated with Strong Female Characters, and 2) making her a Mighty Whitey with the klingons.

but she isn’t actually a complex person. she responds to workplace sexual harassment and even stalking (lookin at u juli) by laughing and flirting back, and her sexual libertinism mostly serves to make her supremely available to all nearby men. if you are a young straight man in the audience, she is your wise mentor (but without any kind of power over you), your fuckbuddy (with no strings attached), your best friend and drinking (but without any of those nasty feminine interests and habits girls tend to have) and your girlfriend (but with no difficult Womanfeelings). ds9 has some really terrible gender bullshit and essentialism that we can blame for this. miles o’brien’s line about wishing keiko was more like a man in that one episode is a good example. it sounds gay, and it is, but it’s also underpinned by this terrible gender essentialist, heteronormative assumption that women are inherently alien to men and inherently difficult, (and also that men don’t have feelings/shouldn’t have feminine traits/yadda yadda). jadzia dax is the perfect woman for a man who follows this philosophy. she is a sexy woman who has none of the traits that make women difficult, won’t ever so no, and will always make things more fun without being a person in her own right.

the only time she ever gets to be a person on screen is when her gender is overridden by her performing the role of white audience avatar among the scary, barbaric, non-white-coded klingons. she is a textbook mighty whitey, an audience avatar who is instantly loved and respected by all klingons she meets, and can out-klingon most klingons as a party trick. it’s really absolutely disgusting and plays into ds9′s really bad racial politics and especially bad racial politics regarding klingons. like, she just waltzes into their culture and they shower her with adoration, and also she’s used to highlight the barbarism ds9 likes to portray klingons as having.

i’m gonna work myself up into a snit about ds9, klingons, and worf so i’m just gonna stop here, but, god DAMMIT,.

The character I love that everyone else hates:

there aren’t a ton of universally hated characters in the fandom? but ben sisko doesn’t get the three dimensional appreciation he deserves and i cringe every time i see him reduced to “baseball dad”

The character I used to love but don’t any longer:

odo and jadzia, but just so i can round this out with another character, i’ve gotta say quark sort of too. i still love him, and actually i still love odo too, but i no longer get excited when i see a quark episode because they’re so repetitive. as the series went on, quark got more and more shunted off into his own corner of the narrative and stopped being allowed to interact with others in meaningful ways, and that just made him less interesting to me? because without outside influence, quark is totally cyclical. he can’t develop. he’s trapped in his own trap and all his plots are the same. i love him but i need him to do something else for once. please.

The character I would totally smooch:

kira :3c

The character I’d want to be like:

i don’t normally take fictional characters as role models, because i tend to be more interested in them for their flaws than their virtues, but if i had to pick i would say ben.

The character I’d slap:

julian. deserves slapping but doesn’t deserve anything worse.

A pairing that I love:

:3c y’all know

A pairing that I despise:

all the het especially the canon het, garashir

#star trek #rape ment //#racism ment //#thanks for the ask!#bluespock

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dramallamadingdang · 7 years

Text

Oh, God! Question meme! A really long one! Run! Hide!

Tagged by @ajaysims. *points* It's his fault! His! Not mine! ;)

This is really long, since it's a synthesis of two of these questions memes and I have verbal diarrhea. So, I cut.

Name: Katrina

Nicknames: Most RL people other than my kids and grandkids call me Kat because one syllable is less than three. :) Simmers call me iCad because that's what I chose to call myself when I started participating in the community. Hubby calls me Kitten. Kids call me Ma, usually in exasperated/long-suffering tones. Grandkids call me Mimi because I hate the usual things that grandmothers are called because they're associated with old people. I may be old, but I'm not old, y'know? :)

Zodiac sign: Taurus, but astrology is still bullshit.

Height: A hair less than 6'0/about 182cm. And very underweight due to digestive/metabolic issues mostly because of a malfunctioning liver. (No, not from alcohol. From having had asymptomatic Hepatits C that I most likely got from a blood transfusion in the early 80s, before they screened donated blood for that. It sucks, y'all. Cherish your liver. Baby it. Seriously. Stop with the alcohol. Just stop. Do weed instead.)

Orientation: In experience/practice: A Kinsey 2. In terms of the kind of person who attracts me: People with IQs over 130. I really, truly don't care what you look like, what gender you identify as, or what sex organs you have or don't have. Smart is seriously sexy. So, I'm sapiosexual. :)

Ethnicity: Whitey-white-white, yay! :| Glow-in-the-dark white. I-start-burning-in-the-sun-in-30-seconds white. Damn-near-albino white. Also, mostly of Welsh descent. Only sort of half-second-generation American on one side; my paternal grandma was one of those horrible immigrants who took a job away from a Real American(TM). She was even a somewhat illegal one, for a few months. But she was white and British so I guess that's OK.

(Sorry, as a person married to a man whose mum -- who is awesome -- was born in Mexico and who came here legally with her family when she was 7 and is a citizen but she still gets shit these days because she’s “a Mexican,” I've sorta come to really hate the kind of people who tend to call themselves Real Americans(TM).)

Favorite fruit: Okra, especially when part of aloo bhindi masala, an Indian dish. Okra IS a fruit. Really. Look it up. Also, tomatoes.

Favorite season: Autumn, when everything is dying. MWAHAHAHAHAH!

Favorite book series: Still Sharon Kay Penman's "Welsh trilogy." Also, though not really a series, per se: The Star Trek novels that were published in the 80s. They got mostly stupid after that, but there were some gems that were published in the mid-80s, before The Next Generation was a thing.

Favorite flower: Calla lilies. Usually used in funeral arrangements, along with Easter lilies, yay. Flowers of death! MWAHAHAH!

Favorite scent: Lilacs. Lavender. Honeysuckle. And this "rain" scent scented candle. It's so clean and fresh and not-perfumey, yet it manages to drown out the brine smell that eventually permeates everything when you live close to the shore...

Favorite color: Greens. All shades, although I prefer the yellower shades, especially the darker ones like army green. Also, orange.

Favorite animal: The spotted hyena, but I already extolled their many virtues the last time I did this list, so I'll refrain. Also, elephants.

Coffee, tea, or hot cocoa: Hell no, maybe, and yes please (if it's vegan), respectively.

Average sleep hours: Sleep? What is this word? *just came off a 38-hour work "day" a few hours ago, and I'm too wired to sleep.* YAY SHOWBIZ! :| But generally, when life isn't crazy, usually about 6 hours per 24 hour period. And I'm nocturnal, so those six hours are usually between about 0900 and about 1500. :)

Cat or dog person: Both person. And llama person. And alpaca person. And horse person. And snake person. And spider person.

Favorite fictional characters: Spock. (Well, actually, pretty much the entire original Star Trek crew except, well, Kirk. Whom I hate. With a passion. I really like Abrams-Kirk, though. Oddly enough. So it might just be that I can't stand Shatner...) The Cardassian characters from Star Trek: DS9, but especially Garak. Also, Julian Bashir and Miles O'Brien from DS9. Jack O'Neill and Rodney McKay from the Stargate franchise. KITT from the original Knight Rider. And Jayne Cobb from Firefly. (Hi, @eulaliasims!)

Number of blankets you sleep with: I'm in SoCal at the moment. No blankets because I tend to sleep in the warm part of the day. And when I do sleep at night, there's a furnace-like husband and a large, furnace-like dog in the bed with me. Blankets would be overkill.

Dream trip: Still Antarctica. Or space. But Antarctica is more likely at this point. ;)

Blog created: I think it was December of 2013. Maybe November. Ahhhh, those halcyon pre-2016 years...

Number of followers: Right now? 1443. It might change in an hour or so.

Time right now: About 0220 Pacific Time, Wednesday, March 22. One month and one day until my birthday. I expect presents, people! (Nah, I kid. Birthdays after 50 don't mean much. Hell, birthdays after 18 -- or 21, nowadays, I guess -- don't mean much. :) )

Last thing you googled: I was looking for some textures to use for some recolors I'm working on during downtimes at work.

Fave music artist: In terms of non-classical stuff: Queen, always and forever. But I also really like the Barenaked Ladies and other such alternative groups from the 90s as well as 80s New Wave stuff. Also, Metallica. In terms of "classical" stuff: Beethoven, always and forever.

Song stuck in my head: Beethoven's 8th piano sonata, 3rd movement. I was playing it at work today...on my cello. I'm working on arranging the entire sonata for solo cello...starting with the 3rd movement because I do better working on things backward. (Since I'd be willing to bet most people don't know the tune off the top of their head, here's Dubravka Tomsic playing it on youtube, if you're curious.

Last movie I watched: Star Trek Beyond. I liked it better than Into Darkness but not as well as the first Abrams-verse one...

Last TV show I watched: I have Stargate Atlantis paused on my computer screen at the moment. I plan to work on furnishing/decorating the house I put up for download tonight when I'm done with this, and I usually have a TV show playing while I build/decorate stuff in my game. :)

What I’m wearing right now: A pair of black sweatpants and a Telluride Daily Planet T-shirt. (That's the local newspaper at home. :) ) Boring white underwear. My fleece-lined moccasins because my feet are always cold.

The kind of stuff I post: Sims stuff, duh! At least on this blog. :) The other blog has the ranty/political stuff.

Why did I choose my url: Because I like to point and laugh at silly internet drama and because I own llamas, and I added dingdang because dramallama was taken and because of this song.

Gender: According to every one of those silly "What Gender Are You?" online quizzes, I am male, mainly because I'm a self-confident, argumentative, assertive, non-empathetic asshole who doesn't do "feelings." Yet, I have girl plumbing. Go figure. Meh, it's all just social conditioning and expectations, anyway, so...I rebel. I reject gender labeling and their associated roles.

Hogwarts house: I took a quiz once and it said Gryffindor. I've never read Harry Potter or seen any of the movies except one of them during an airplane flight...and I fell asleep during it, so...Yeah, I don't know what it means to be Gryffindor. Don't much care, either.

Pokémon team: Don't know anything about Pokemon, either.

Lucky number: 13 because I am anti-superstition. (Well, except when it comes to white pianos, of course, but I have hard evidence that they are evil, so it’s not superstition. ;) ) Or 42. Take your pick.

Dream job: I once said "Not having one" but then followed it up with "but that's boring." So, I decided to take on some work through June. And you know what? I'm gonna go back to "Not having one." I just need to find some volunteer work to keep me occupied for a few hours a day. Not for 38-hour "days," though. :p

Relationship status: I is married to my second husband. He's cute. And a lot younger than me, woooooooo! First marriage wasn't nearly so fun, though. The only good thing that came of it was my kids.

Pets: Oh, God. Most of them are back home in Colorado (where I have a 39-acre ranch) while I'm here in California, but:

A herd of llamas and alpacas, about 50 total at the moment, but "unpacking" season is approaching, so that number will be going up to about 65 soon. 5 horses 2 nanny goats...which actually belong to a neighbor but they're currently housed on my property, so...they count! 8 dogs 5 cats...although sadly that will probably be going down to four soon because the 18-year-old whose had health problems all her life is currently quite sick and likely won't be getting better. :( Also, there are a ton of barn cats, but they don't really count as pets. A flock of chickens. 1 rooster, the rest hens. 1 California kingsnake 5 tarantulas, various species 8 dragonfly nymphs. I think 2 will become dragonflies this year because I've had them for a few years now...

Last song you listened to: Beethoven's 5th piano concerto, for somewhat sentimental reasons.

Favorite TV Show: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. I love the original series a lot, too, but DS9 surpassed it in my book.

First Fandom: Star Trek, of course. I remember declaring that I would marry Spock when I grew up. I was 3 at the time, in 1967, watching the episode "Amok Time" (in which Spock almost gets married) in its original run. We'd only just gotten a color TV a few months before, so it was REALLY COOL. I also wrote a crapton of fanfic in the 70s/80s and a bit in the 90s. Even published a 'zine in the 80s. It was expensive as hell back then but SO MUCH FUN!

Randomly Tagging People I Don’t Think I’ve Tagged For This Thing Before: @randommindtime (It's what you get for following me!), @yandereplumsim, @elfpuddle, @halousims, @nuttydazesublime, and @kayleigh-83. As always, feel free to ignore for whatever reason. :)

#non sims #meme #ye olde questions meme

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zapiarty · 7 years

Note

So how does Dax take the news Julian is acquiring a kid?

Jadzia was walking towards the Replimat with Julian when he asked for a favor. She gave him a wary but amused smile and told him it depended on what the favor was. He’d been oddly distracted lately, like something was on his mind. Jadzia chalked it up to a new research project she’d likely hear all about at some point.

When the favor ended up helping him move his things to new quarters, she didn’t think much of it. Especially as he’d been making frequent trips to Bajor on his off-hours. She wondered if he’d found someone on the planet, and was taking it more seriously than she’d previously seen him when it came to romantic pursuits.

As Julian didn’t actually talk with many people on the station, Jadzia was fairly confident she’d find out sooner rather than later.

Sure enough, a little over a week after helping him move, Julian casually commented, “Oh, and Mila will be arriving in a few days.”

Putting on the smile she knew often bought her the best gossip, Jadzia carefully bumped Julian’s shoulder without jostling their food trays. “Julian! Did you find someone on Bajor and not even tell me? Must be serious if she’s already moving in with you, too!”

Julian blinked rapidly, looking adorably flustered and a bit red in the face as they sat down, “What? No! No, no, no, no. Mila is- she’s my daughter.”

Now it was her turn to blink in shock. Carefully, she rethought about his behavior this past month with this new information. It wasn’t out of the realm of possibility that an ex had caught up to Julian with his kid and that be why he’d have applied for new quarters. It accounted for his nervousness and his distraction. “Oh. I didn’t realize you had a daughter Julian. You’ve never really talked about family…”

She figured his reply was either going to be ‘I just found out myself’ which had a high likelihood of 85%, or the slightly less benevolent ‘split custody and it’s my turn’ which was only 10%, 3% chance of it being from a previous relationship and he had just been waiting to get settled on a posting, the last 2% being this was a recent development and had somehow kept having impregnated a girl a secret for (probably) nine months barely worth considering.

And then Julian blew all her statistics out of the water by saying, “I adopted her, she’s one of the orphans on Bajor. We met while Garak and I were down there and I just… I couldn’t not do anything.”

For a long moment, Jadzia sat there across from him at the table in the Replimat and stared at him. “You…adopted a little orphan girl from Bajor.”

“Yes, it’s all been finalized, she’s arriving in two days and I was wondering… Well, I’m fairly certain I’ll need some help and…” Julian looked down at his pasta before looking back up with a pleading expression and blurted, “Will you be her Godmother?”

If anything had been running through her head as Julian had built up to his request, it certainly wouldn’t have been that. A old wound throbbed at the word, and it must have shown on her face because Julian hastened to continue.

“You can say no, of course! A-and you don’t have to answer right now, I just…want you to think about it. You’re one of the closest friends I have, Jadzia.”

That was a slightly depressing if touching thought. Jadzia enjoyed Julian, found him to be interesting and pleasant company. But she was fast coming to the realization she didn’t know him as well as she thought she had.

“I’ll…think about it.” Was the only answer she could give, and Julian gave her such a relieved look. Desperately, she tried to change the topic a little bit, “So, tell me about her! Mila, you said?”

Julian lit up like all new parents did and Jadzia took a moment to think that perhaps he’d do just fine as a father. It might even be good for him.

#ds9 #star trek #julian bashir #jadzia dax #mila verse #my writing #Anonymous #Trekkie in Training

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edosianorchids901 · 6 years

Note

For the Garashir prompts: “I don’t like this.” and “You’re sick and you need to rest.”

“I don’t like this”

____________________

“Idon’t like this,” I muttered, peering around the corner.

Julianlooked almost devastated. “You aren’t enjoying yourself?”

“No,my dear, it’s not that.” I leaned past him again, counting the guard’s steps.“I simply mean that this is an extremely inadvisable way to steal intelligencereports.”

“Stoplooking at the guards.” He pulled me back, keeping hold of my lapels to preventme from ignoring his instructions.

I smirkedat him, inching closer until we were nose to nose. “I like this rather better.”

Thedoctor heaved a sigh. “God, you’re ridiculous. We don’t have time for thatright now, we’ve got to get inside the party while guests are still arriving.”

“Arewe really planning to just waltzthrough the doors? That seems slightly riskier than would be advisable.”

“Beinga spy is all about taking risks.” He grasped my hand, leading me towards themansion.

“That’shardly true,” I protested. “It’s more about accomplishing your task without getting caught. And this is nota plan that will fulfill those parameters.”

“Stillnot trusting me?” Julian managed to slip both of us into the flow of guestswithout incident.

“Notwhen it comes to these programs.” I adjusted my tuxedo jacket, and then reachedaround to straighten his bow tie. “I’m still not remotely convinced this is afeasible plan. Why not just break in the back?”

“Becausethere’s a lot more security in back. You saw the plans. Besides, this is howthe program is supposed to work.”

Ipursed my lips. “And just how are we to get past the security at the door?”

Julianflashed me a brilliant grin in response, whipping an envelope out of hispocket. “With these lovely invitations that the intelligence agency fabricatedfor us, of course.”

Myjaw dropped. “My dear Doctor,” I chided, keeping my voice low as we approachedthe entrance. “It would have been rather kinder of you to tell me about that inadvance.”

Hepresented the invitations to the doorman with a flourish, and then took my arm.“Now, my dear Mr. Garak. What fun would there be in that?”

Choosingto ignore him, I ran my eyes across the décor, unimpressed. “Well, I do have tosay this is a distinct improvement over Dr. Noah’s lair, but it’s rather… ornateand flashy.”

Julian’smouth twitched with amusement. “This, coming from the leading expert in ornateand flashy.”

“Ornateand flashy needs to be done properly.Gilding absolutely everything in gold is most certainly not the proper way.And…” I eyed the curtains with distaste. “Salmon curtains? With orange diamonds?”

Hesnickered, heading towards the stairs now. “You know, it’s really worth takingyou along on these programs just to see your expressions.”

“Well,I’m so delighted to be of service,” I answered sarcastically. Then my attentionwas distracted by the patrols on the top floor. “We’re taking a right, then aleft, then heading to the eighth room on the right, I believe?”

“Yeah,that’s it.” He slipped his fingers between mine again. “We’re gonna have tomove fast. The guard patrols are really tight.”

“Andhere I was thinking we should just casually wander.”

Thatearned me an eye roll. “Okay, get ready… go.”

Ifollowed him without hesitation, feeling oddly relaxed. Perhaps there reallywas something to be said for making adequate time for distraction – since he’dstarted regularly taking me along with him on these holosuite outings, I foundthat I felt more refreshed than usual.

And,if nothing else, it was always wonderful to spend time together. Between ourbusy work schedules, we sometimes only saw each other at night, and often spentthose evenings reading (or doing even more work) before collapsing into bed. Butthese times in the holosuite… there were no interruptions, no pressing matters.Just us.

Oncewe were inside the room in question, Julian released my hand. I regretted theloss of contact instantly – it was far too chilly here. “I take it you know howto ‘crack safes’?” I asked, rubbing my hands together in an attempt to warm backup.

“Yeah,I do.” He pressed the secret button under the desk, which opened a panel on thewall. “And what about you, Garak?”

“Oh,I’m afraid 20th Century Earth safes weren’t required learning in theOrder.” I perched on the edge of the desk, watching as he worked. Oh my, he did look wonderful in that tuxedo…especially with such intense focus.

A thought wandered through mymind – he would look even better out of the tuxedo and with me on the nearbycouch. Both amused and exasperated with myself, I shook my head. No, Elim. Thatcould wait until later.

“Therewe go!” he exclaimed, swinging the safe door open. He turned to grin at me, andchuckled. “What’s that look on your face?”

“Oh,nothing,” I dismissed, failing to entirely mask my own smile.

“Iknow it’s not nothing.” Julian took the disk from the safe, slipping it into hispocket before closing things back up. “Come on, tell me.”

“Oh,just a passing thought.” I ran my eyes across him in a seductive manner, andthen glanced at the couch.

Blushing,he snorted and took my hand again. “You’re incorrigible.”

“Isthat a good thing?” I drew his hand to my lips and pressed a kiss to his palm.

“Andyou have bad timing,” he whispered, pulling me towards the exit. “We don’t havelong enough before the guard shift changes.”

Isighed, resting my chin on his shoulder as he checked outside. “Perhaps later?”

“Ithink this program ends on a boat. That should work.”

“Thatdoes seem to be how these sorts of things end.” I followed him down the hall,thinking of all the films he’d forced me to watch. “What exactly is theobsession with boats? Is it some sort of metaphor?”

“Oh,damn!” Julian pushed me against the wall, and I stared at him in surprise.“Garak, kiss me.”

“Kiss…kiss you?” I stuttered, baffled. “I thought you said we didn’t have time!”

“There’sguards coming. Now come on, kiss me!”

Igave him an unimpressed look. “My dear, that’s not going to fool them.”

“Elim,kiss me!”

Stillunconvinced, I wrapped an arm around him and joined our lips. Oh my, he was so warm, and I decided that I didn’tcare if we were caught. Tugging him closer, I cupped his cheek, losing myselfto his warmth, to the intimacy, to his tongue teasing mine…

Andthen he broke off, and I gave a soft whine of protest. “Sorry, love,” hechuckled, stroking my hair, his other hand resting on my hip. “But we’ve gottaget out of here before they realize we stole the intel.”

“Onemore kiss.” I coaxed him a little closer and he obliged me, brushing his lipsagainst mine.

“Okay,happy now?” He gave me a soft, indulgent look and I absolutely melted.

“I’malways happy when I’m with you, Julian.”

______________________________________________

“You’re sick and you need to rest”

_____________________

Thiscouldn’t go on. He needed rest. He needed to take a break, to recuperate. Hell,at this point, he just needed to sleep.

Butinstead, there he sat. Bent over his padd, frantically working on decryptionsas fast as he could. He hadn’t even eaten today, and his tea sat untouched infront of him.

“Elim,”I finally called, worried. If nothing else, he had to take a short break.

Hedidn’t acknowledge me, still tapping at his padd like his life depended on it.In a way, I supposed it did – his work could determine the outcome of the war. Somany lives would be affected whether or not he could decipher those Cardassiancodes.

Butit hadn’t even been two days since his last collapse in his shop, the one wherehe’d been having such severe trouble breathing that I’d initially feared he wasdying. When I’d rushed to the shop and found him on the floor, he’d been makingthe most horrible, strangled gasps for air that I’d ever heard.

Andnow… there was a labored edge to his breaths again, and he’d gone ashen. He’dbeen looking rough all day, but his discomfort seemed to be worsening now. Atremor ran through him, and he wiped sweat from his brow, blinking rapidly.

“Elim?”I reached out, laying my hand on his shoulder. He flinched with a gasp, eyesflicking in my direction. “Easy, it’s just me.”

“Oh.”He glanced down at his padd, then back to me. “Julian.”

“Areyou okay?”

“What?Oh, yes. Yes.” Garak drew another rasping breath, and then cleared his throat. Hishands began to tremble. “I’m fine.”

“No,you’re not.” I moved closer to him, taking his pulse. It was absolutely racing,almost dangerously fast. “You’re sick and you need to rest.”

“I’mnot sick,” he snarled, shoving uprightand pacing to the viewport.

“Allright, if you wanna get really technical, you’re not sick. You’re anxious.” Morelike panicked, but I didn’t want to make him defensive.

Hebraced himself against the wall, and his chest heaved. “I’m fine. I can handlethis perfectly well now that I know why I’m having attacks.”

Iwent to his side, carefully taking his padd and setting it down. I’d expected aprotest, but none came. Instead, he stared down at the floor, breathsquickening, focus failing.

“Garak,”I murmured, taking his quaking hands in mine.

Hestartled again, looking at me with glassy eyes. “I’m fine, I don’t need anyhelp.”

“Whydon’t you come sit down again?” I tried to pull him along, and he resisted thistime.

“No!”He jerked free of my hold. “I don’t need you to treat me like I’m fragile! I’mnot, I just have to get this under control.”

Iwatched with worry as he paced away, noting that his sweating had worsened.“Elim…”

“I’mnot a child!” He snatched his padd off the window ledge, setting it back on thetable. Agitated, he tried to enter a few more codes. His hands were shaking toobadly to succeed, and he began to fuss with the other items on the tableinstead.

“Ididn’t say you were a child,” I said softly.

“Thenstop treating me like one. I don’t need to be pampered.” Garak began to paceagain, tapping his fingers together. “I’ve only been having panic attacksbecause I was trying to avoid working against my people. I’m fine now that Iknow that.”

Thiswas one of the farthest states from fine that I’d ever seen. “Well, how aboutsome food, and then you can get back to work?”

Hepaused, looking at me with an unfettered anguish that shocked me. “I can’tstop. If I stop, I’ve failed, and everyone will die. Even if I succeed, all mypeople will die. I’m killing them all.”

Assoon as the words left him, his eyes glazed, and he crumpled. “Elim!” I cried,lunging forward. I was too far away to be able to catch him in time, and heslammed hard into the floor with a gasp.

Heclawed at his neck and writhed, struggling to breathe. “I c-can’t…” he choked,eyes rolling with panic.

“Elim,I’m here.” I dragged him upright enough that he was reclined against my chest, andthen steadied his head as he made another strangled, rasping bid for air. “I’mright here, I’ve got you. Easy, shhh.”

“Can’t…”He threw his head back against my shoulder and clutched his chest, trying invain to suck in a breath. “J-Julian…”

“Shhh,I’m here.” I combed my fingers through his hair, aching at the convulsiveshudders that tore him apart. “You’re gonna be okay, easy now.”

Hegasped again and began to thrash. “The walls!”

“Garak,you’re safe,” I said quickly, realizing what was happening. “The walls are notmoving in, they’re not collapsing. You’re not on Tzenketh, you’re on DS9.You’re with Julian.”

Hecalmed at my voice, going limp against me. I resumed stroking his hair,listening to his harsh, shattered breaths and wishing I could take the painaway from him.

Butthis was all I could do. Just hold him, rock him, speak to him in soothingtones. And at least it did help – he always came out of his panic attacks somuch faster when I was here from the start.

Atlast, his breaths eased. He curled towards me, pressing his face into my chest,and I held him closer. A few faint sobs tore from him, and I squeezed my eyesshut. “Shhh,” I soothed again, rubbing his back. “You’re okay, Elim.”

“Ithought the attacks would stop.” His voice was weak, broken. “I want it tostop.”

“I’msorry, sweetheart.” I pressed a light kiss to the top of his head, fightingback my own tears. “I don’t think it’s gonna be that easy.”

“ButI know why it’s happening.” He struggled to turn over, and I eased him down sohe rested across my lap. “It was supposed to stop. I’m supposed to have thisunder control.”

Igazed down at him, hurting at the look in his eyes. He seemed almost in shockthat his body and mind had betrayed him again. “Knowing why it’s happeningdoesn’t always mean it won’t happen anymore,” I said gently.

Hopelessnesssurged onto his face, and he let his head fall against my arm. “I can’t dothis,” he whispered.

“Youcan, and you will. But you don’t need to just yet. You can rest.”

Elimnodded, allowing me to coax him upright. He stumbled along with my support,eyes barely open. I helped him to lie down, and then gathered a damp cloth towash his face.

Hemade a soft sound of relief as I bathed away the sweat, and he weakly raisedhis hand to brush against my thigh. “That’s nice, thank you.”

“You’rewelcome, dearest.” I sponged his neck, glancing down at his shirt. “Do you wantto change into your pajamas? You’re drenched.”

“No,not now. I’m not sure I could even move if I wanted to.”

“Youlook so tired,” I said sympathetically, moving on to drying his face so hedidn’t get chilled. “I brought you some rokassa juice, will you drink it?”

Hedrank without protest, and then gazed at me with bleary eyes. “I apologize,Julian.”

“What?”I gave him a confused look as I covered him with a blanket. “For what? Youdidn’t do anything wrong.”

“Iwas rude. I lashed out at you.” He reached out for me, and I grasped his hand.“I-I know you were just trying to help, and I so appreciate your kindness. Idon’t deserve you.”

“Hush,Elim.” Bending down, I kissed his brow. “You were having an attack. It’s okay.I’ll always do whatever I can.”

Hetried to smile at me, and only succeeded at looking even more pained. “I’m abit… that is… would you like…”

“Tosnuggle?” I guessed, recognizing the near desperation in his eyes. He nodded,and I slipped into bed beside him.

Garakcurled up against me, still trembling, and I held him securely. After a fewminutes of being in my arms, he let out a soft sigh, nuzzling against my neck.

“I’mhere, Elim,” I murmured, kissing his head again. “I’m here, and I have you.Just rest. I’ll take care of you.”

#garashir #garak x bashir #elim garak #julian bashir #star trek #deep space nine #prompted writing #i-am-a-bit-squeemish #plain simple writing

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