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asterekmess · 4 years

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Somebody tickled my salty-bone (in a good way. I love you. thank you.) and now I wanna vent about the absolute shitshow that is Stiles and Scott’s friendship.

Forewarning, I have a v faulty memory and I like to ramble. So. Obligatory Read More.

hoo boy. Now look, I am a salty little sea witch. I don’t like Scott. I love me some Stiles. Listen, I want to acknowledge here that Stiles isn’t perfect. He’s not the best friend that could ever friend, especially not at the beginning of the show. Yeah, he says stuff that riles Scott up. And yeah, he chucks lacrosse balls at Scott bc he’s pissed off at him. And he gets him beat up by blaming him for keying a car. These are objectively shitty things.

Now on to Scott. I’m starting at the beginning, because some brit chick told me once it’s a good place to start. It’s an anti-scott favorite to point out Star Wars. But I wanna talk about the history of Stiles and Scott’s friendship in general. We’re not explicitly told how long they’ve been friends. It’s implied “for ages” but there’s a lot of evidence that points to them not knowing each other until later (my preference is the 5th grade, just after Stiles’ mom died).

Stiles had a boa once, apparently. But Scott doesn’t know this. Stiles was apparently friends with Heather since they were in diapers but Scott doesn’t know her. Stiles has panic attacks and apparently a social anxiety disorder, but Scott has no clue about it.

Stiles doesn’t actually share many, if any, passions/interests with Scott besides Lacrosse. We know Stiles can skate, but Scott has never done it before Ice Pick episode. We know Stiles has other friends like Heather, but they’ve somehow never been introduced to Scott. Stiles plays videogames “Online gaming community that battles mythical creatures” but Scott has no clue what he’s talking about. Stiles has a favorite movie series that Scott has never watched. Scott, if I’m honest, got totally shafted by the show. He has no interests. We see a little dartboard on his wall in his room. We see posters. But he doesn’t do ANYTHING except play lacrosse and go to work at the vet. Then he gets a motorbike, which I guess....is supposed to count as a personality trait? We know jack-shit about Scott’s hobbies, even though he’s the main character. And what we do know is in Negatives. We know he has a shit vocabulary. We know he doesn’t like to read. (at least...before his “better Scott McCall program”) We know he doesn’t bowl. We know he sucks at literally all school related things. We know he has literally no other friends besides Stiles, until he becomes a werewolf.

But to me, what stands out is how...unobliging Scott is about their friendship?

It’s established that Scott usually runs around with Stiles when he’s got an idea, yeah. Two bros being dumbasses. Got it. But Stiles clearly has this whole mentality/joke view of them that’s Batman & Robin “I don’t wanna be Robin all the time” but Scott just sort of...shuts him down? “No one’s batman and robin any of the time”

I acknowledge that it’s a sort of tense situation...kind of? He’s sneaking into an empty bus lot to go sniff at the crime scene. He’s not really in danger here? But his tone of voice is so dismissive? Like he’s completely confused that Stiles would ever think that. But if they’ve been friends for ages, why would he only just now be finding out about it? And why would he dismiss it if they’re that close?

Then, of course, there’s Star Wars. Like...fine, whatever, Scott doesn’t like Star Wars. Except that it’s not that he doesn’t like it. It’s that he refuses to watch it. He knows nothing about Stiles’ favorite movie? He gets frustrated when Stiles makes Star Wars jokes because he doesn’t get them. But even KiRA is willing to watch it, and he just laughs about it.

Jackson and Lydia were supposed to be garbage to each other, but she still watched lacrosse videos with him and he watched The Notebook however many times Lydia wanted. If the couple we’re supposed to think is shitty is more kind to each other than Scott is to Stiles, what am I supposed to take away from that?

There’s also the part where he never just...believes Stiles? Not unless it’s in his favor. Sure, it sounds crazy that Stiles tells him he’s a werewolf and he’s gonna go crazy on a full moon. But Scott watched his bite completely disappear. He knows the shit he did on the field was bizarre and physically impossible for him. He doesn’t need his inhaler anymore. He heard Allison talking from Outside the School. There’s so much evidence to back Stiles up here, it’s ridiculous. And Scott still won’t believe him. Stiles tells Scott he thinks Matt’s the killer. Scott asks him why, Stiles doesn’t have an answer, and Scott immediately shuts him down. He tells Scott that it isn’t Lydia, and Scott argues with him, citing a test that he later admits he thinks is bullshit! Stiles tells Scott that virgins are being sacrificed and he’s scared he’ll be next, Scott laughs at him. Stiles tells Scott he thinks he was the one who wrote that shit on the board, the one who planted the bomb. Scott refuses to listen to him. He warns him about Theo, gets completely blown off. And Stiles is almost never wrong. But Scott continues to ignore him and refuses to believe him. Meanwhile Stiles believes Scott about Derek being dangerous. He believes Scott about Derek being the one in the bus. About how Peter is going after Allison (He must be going after Allison, the national archery finalist who’s always surrounded by hunters. Surely she’s “vulnerable.” It’s not like there’s someone way more vulnerable following Scott around, someone that Peter might force into helping him find Derek? HMMM?) Think about it, when does Stiles ever doubt Scott?

How he outright ignores Stiles just constantly? Even after he loses his temper with Stiles in the room in episode 1, he still goes to the Fucking Party. Even after Stiles tells him he can’t be in lacrosse anymore because it’s too dangerous, he ‘tries’ to quit and when he’s told that if he won’t play one game, he’s off first line, he outright ignores Stiles and fights with him until Stiles backs off and lets him play, where he proceeds to do EXACTLY what Stiles and Derek thought he would, and loses control. If ALlison hadn’t been there. People would have died. A kid from the other team saw Scott’s wolf eyes. He exposed himself! Then there’s the parts where he just pretends Stiles doesn’t exist. When he goes to hang out with Allison, and Stiles can’t get him on the phone, and when he finally answers he admits “did you get my texts?” “Yeah, all nine million of them” that he was literally just refusing to text Stiles back while he sat in the car with Allison and did nothing else. He won’t tell Stiles where he’s going, and he turns his phone off once they get to the woods. He also turns his phone off while Stiles is trying to take care of Derek, who IS POISONED and Bleeding and SHOT. Instead of trying to do anything he willfully ignores it and makes out with Allison, then wanders the house with Allison, then eats dinner with the family. He could’ve pulled the ‘i need to use the restroom’ ANY FUCKING TIME. He could’ve explained in a text at ANY TIME what he was doing and why it was taking so long. he just refused. When Stiles calls at the pool, Scott has no reason to hang up. Yeah, the phone made noise while it was ringing but after he hung up on Stiles he continued to just sit there with Allison and whisper to each other. He could’ve fucking talked on the phone! There was NOthing stopping him!

Then there’s how much danger he’s happy to put Stiles in? Like, he still hated Derek and thought he was a dangerous thug, while ignoring Stiles’ messages and leaving him alone with Derek. They knew Jackson was dangerous and had attacked Stiles before, and he left Stiles alone in the van with him?? Jackson wouldn’t need to break out of the vehicle, just the cuffs and Stiles would be dead. But for some reason Scott goes to school? LIke yeah I get it. He might fail his classes. But Stiles gave up first line just to check if Scott’s mom was the Alpha. Why couldn’t allison have watched Jackson with an arrow pointed at his head? She was better equipped than Stiles and in no danger of failing classes.

Look, I know I’m only talking about the first couple seasons but I have a rlly bad memory and I haven’t seen s3a or s3b in a long ass time. (gonna have to watch ‘em later tho while I work on the rewrite)

There’s probably more I’m missing. I’m just so damn cranky and sad. I’ll probably add more eventually when I get mad enough abt it.

#personal #Meta Ramblings #rant #anti-scott mccall #should I not be putting these 'read more' things in?#there's a weirdly big descrepancy in notes between my rants with read more's and my rants without

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allthefilmsiveseenforfree · 3 years

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Girls Just Want to Have Fun

It’s always fun jumping into a movie I know next to nothing about, and this requested review for Wes will be no exception. All I know is that Girls Just Want to Have Fun is an 80s teen romp with the worst photoshopped cover photo I’ve ever seen. It looks like Michael Scott put it together. I know it stars girls, AND I know what those girls want. That’s half your narrative battle right there. So do they achieve the fun they seek? Well...

They do! A lot of weird shit happens along the way, but yeah, fun is had and that’s all that really matters. God, 1985 was a simpler time. I mean, I know everyone was living in constant fear that the Russians were going to invade Kansas and we’d be faced with a neverending nuclear winter, but in the face of all that existential terror you also get movies where the entire pitch is “So there’s this girl (Sarah Jessica Parker) who wants to be a dancer on tv, but her parents don’t want to let her. But she does it anyway! And her partner is chosen for her and, boy, they do not see eye to eye. But then they do! And they have to practice a lot. And then they win the dance contest!”

You know some studio exec heard that and screamed at his secretary to hold his calls for the day so he could sign the contracts and then do a mountain of blow off them.

Some thoughts:

It’s so weird to see Sarah Jessica Parker without curly hair! I was never a Sex and the City fan, so my exposure to SJP is purely Hocus Pocus based.

This dance sequence over the credits is incredible. Why do we not have shows anymore that are just a large group of young attractive people dancing in sync? No host, no dialogue, just the power of dance. I was born in the wrong decade. I would have appreciated the shit out of the 80s when I was alive.

Poor Helen Hunt - she must be one of those people who always looked like she was 35, even in high school. Granted, she was 22 when this was filmed and she’s playing a teenager, but still.

Helen Hunt is wearing dinosaurs in her hair. 80s fashion was on a wavelength that I don’t think any of us living will ever see again.

Omg this rich bitch (Natalie, I guess? She’s not named for at least the first 30 min of the movie) had Claire’s closet from Clueless 10 years before the movie existed! This is already groundbreaking.

NOW SHE HAS A BUG ON HER HAT. A big plastic green grasshopper. This review is mainly going to be about the insane things Lynne (Helen Hunt) wears.

Speaking of - I’m getting big lesbian vibes from Lynne Stone and I am so here for it. The homoerotic tension when she acts like she’s gonna fight the rich bitch? Delicious. The immediate intimate connection she makes with SJP? Practically U-Hauling.

I love an 80s dance montage, and this movie promises to contain basically nothing but that tied loosely together with some nonsensical dialogue in between. This is gonna be my new favorite movie.

Ooh Nestle Quik syrup! I forgot about Nestle Quik.

Favorite line: “There is a time and a place for calypso music, young lady.”

Ohhh I see what this is gonna be - Janey (SJP) is a classically trained dancer and gymnast, and Jeff (Lee Montgomery) is more of a rough and tumble music video kinda guy from the streets. You can tell cause he’s got a motorcycle and a leather jacket. And he wears cutoff sleeves! He’s a white guy in Chicago, who could be more street than that? And they’re butting heads! How will they ever be able to make it work for the big dance contest??

How did Natalie know Janey’s phone number? She specifically said it was unlisted. Unless she remembers it from overhearing it offhand after the dance tryouts...? That’s insane, I can’t even remember what I wore yesterday let alone a 7-digit number someone shouted in a crowd.

Lynne Fashion Alert: Is she wearing a belt made out of bullets? And a Davy Crocket hat. This is galaxy brain lesbian fashion. If the costume designer for this movie didn’t win 10 Oscars...

The music director on the other hand...not sure what is up with all these weird KidzBop covers of excellent songs like “Dancing in the Street” or the titular “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” but if you’re gonna include them, you gotta spring for the originals. This is just sad.

I’ve never been at a party with an ice sculpture. I think that’s how you know you’re among the rich.

Whatever happened to Jonathan Silverman? I miss when he was the nebbishy sidekick in every 80s movie.

Who enters a party by catapulting through the damn window?? Punk does not mean that you no longer know how to use doors, sir!

Who serves a full roasted turkey at a party? Is this how rich people live? This feels like the equivalent of using Google translate to identify rich people food in another language, then translating it back to English.

Lynne Fashion Alert: Now I think she has space shuttles in her hair.

Wow we got a real 1-2 punch of sexual harassment in this club. Who wrote this Tune in Tokyo gag and was like “You know what would be hilarious? If this shitty little nerd convinced this girl to raise her arms so he can just grab her boobs full on, front and center. And then she gets upset and runs away. God I’m good at this *snorts another line*”

Lynne Fashion Alert: Now it’s two globes (like, two Earths) with crab claws on them? This is a choice that I don’t understand, but I think I may just not be seeing what it is clearly. I am digging her mirror sunglasses though.

I know Janey is smart but when did she learn how to hotwire a security system? It’s not like Google or Youtube existed, and I doubt there was a library book about how to dismantle that specific system. MYTH BUSTED.

Oh god oh no I’m so gay for these Dixon sisters from Kansas City, these two gorgeous black women in tuxes and spandex leotards. They 100% should have won this dance contest.

Why did guys stop wearing crop tops? Can we bring back slutty quarterback as a fashion trend for dudes? Seriously, the costume design here is everything.

I really love Jeff and his little family - his sister and his dad are so proud of him and supportive. You never see that in dance narratives featuring guys. I like the reversal here of gendered expectations.

Did I Cry? No, but my heart was warmed at various moments.

Honestly, why can’t more narrative arcs in movies be solved via dance battle?

Lynne Fashion Alert: She’s now dressed as...Cleopatra? Wait why the fuck is there a horse here?

Oh that’s it that’s the end! Man, you can’t be mad at a tight 90 min film like this - it gets in, it gets out, bing bang boom you’re done with enough time to read before bed.

Is this a cinematic masterpiece? No. But is it good clean fun? Absolutely. Barring the brief [obligatory 80s] sexual harassment scene, there’s very little to be upset with here. Kids wanna dance, they’re told they can’t dance, they dance anyway! It’s the power of dance! You’re either into it or you’re not, but if you’re not, I ask that you search your heart and try to find one teeny tiny sliver of joy inside it. You’re gonna need to feed that joy if you wanna make it through 2021, and watching this movie is a darn good place to start.

If you liked this review, please consider reblogging or subscribing to my Patreon! For as low as $1, you can access bonus content and movie reviews, or even request that I review any movie of your choice.

#121in2021 #girls just want to have fun #sarah jessica parker #helen hunt #lee montgomery #movie reviews #film reviews #patreon review

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munchflix · 4 years

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MUNCHFLIX - “DEMON” HOUSE

IMDB BLURB: Paranormal investigator and moldy walnut Zak Bagans documents the most authenticated case of possession in American history.

WARNINGS: Zak Bagans is a fucking asshole. Correllation is not causation. Also mentions of suicide and murder.

RATING: An 8 out of 10 on the demon scale

OBLIGATORY DISCLAIMER: All reviews are done solely for humor and should not be taken seriously ever. If you cannot handle cursing, crude humor and probably some offensive things, pls do not read this.

Munch: I'm Munchflower Zaius, paranormal movie investigator. I've investigated like 10 terrible paranormal movies this week. I don't have a t.v. show but if I did it wouldn't be a ghost hunting show. I'm one of the leading researchers on ghosts and demonology because if Zak fucking Bagans is then so am I - and this is the movie that really fucked Biscuits up. This movie was the next paranormal activity, it was the next Asylum movie, and I went all out. I had resources like Amazon Prime, a great crew of just Biscuits, I thought I was gonna crush this review. But in the end...nothing was as it seemed.

M: Biscuits fell ill and couldn't leave his room for 8 days, he didn't feel like himself. He screamed and wailed and tore at his hair. (no really ) He drew pictures of Zak Bagans and set them on fire. I fired him or he quit or something. Witnesses and experts ended up in the hospital and at the heart of it all was a little screwed up ghost hunter. It took us three years to write this review, we had everything we needed...but the truth is...this film is cursed.

Biscuits: I hate this fucking movie. I have watched some terrible movies, we have reviewed some terrible movies. But this movie...this movie makes me angry beyond words. This movie makes me hate. This movie made me so furious that I not only hate it, I hate Zak Bagans, the man. I have never met him, but if I did, I think I would punch him in the balls. This review is going to be 90% me just screaming, because it makes me that mad.

M: This is gonna be my fucking opening gif right here...

B: Oh yeah, this - there's a demon here in this fucking Amazon Prime video. He got in with his fucking 30-day free trial. Oooo it's gonna come get us! I'm so scared!!

M: ...

B: Oh, Zak "I-have-a-series-on-the-Travel-Channel" Bagins! Yeah, that makes you a qualified expert demonologist, Zak. "One of the world's LEADING researchers on ghosts and demonology" - no, no you're fucking not! What do you actually know about demons?? Also, let's add the fact that Zak Bagans is a terrible actor, and his monotone narration does nothing to improve the atmosphere of the movie.

B: It took him three years to finish this film, and it still sucks! Way to go buddy, it took us three days to make that potato salad!! THREE DAYS!

B: "This film is cursed!!" Yes it is, this is the curse! It's cursed to make me angry!

M: So spoopy! I'm spooped solid, are you spooped solid? Actually, if I had to say, my spoop level is actually somewhere along the levels of 'explosive diarrhea'.

B: This movie is explosive diarrhea. That's - that's a man whistling into the microphone, subtitled as 'wind whistling'. We are Zak Bagans' therapist for a minute, helping him dissect his dreams. One time I had a dream where I traded my non-existant son for two cool posters. I don't think THAT dream meant anything. Imagine a ghost hunter having dreams about ghosts!

M: Imagine a ghost hunter.

Pictured: Zak Bagggggans confused by electrical equipment

B: We also introduce the idea of a 12-foot-tall goat man, who never really comes up in the movie again. Is that Orcus himself? Oh shit, this is getting real. I'm not high level enough to fight a demon lord!

M: The demon vaped in my face!

B: "And I knew...this was some serious shit that meant something." I COULDN'T make that shit up. Genuinely. What does it mean, Zak? Would you care to explain? I don't know what does it mean.

B: This movie is NOT actually about the well-known Gary, Indiana story of demon posession. It's mostly about Zak Bagins fucking around.

M: Mentally masturbating himself for being some sort of sick ghost expert. Why would anyone call Zak Bagans about this? I think he made that shit up.

B: So, basically, Zak Bagans bought this house in Gary, Indiana where this alleged possession took place. A newscaster pronounces his name as 'Zak Baggins'. Guys, Bilbo Baggins bought this haunted house! He bought it because he wanted to make a movie about it.

M: Why?

B: To convince everyone that his 'ghost hunting' career is legitimate and he shouldn't have dropped out of college. Useless footage of Zak Bagans convincing some homeless people to move out of this abandoned house. Don't get them involved in this, it looks very cold and they were probably just trying to find a warm place to warm place to stay. Don't get them involved in your shitty fake documentary.

M: Also, if this house is really like, MEGA haunted, why are homeless people hanging out in it? Homeless people ain't got time for ghosts.

B: No, they have real problems. Wow, this fuckin house looks like an empty house! Oh, this is the best part - he gets a text from a psychic medium. a warning he'll 'never forget', and we'll never forget either! He shows us this obviously voice-to-texted message claiming that he saw visions of a very large demon figure and that this house is, and I quote, an '8 out of 10 on the demonic scale'.

Pictured: a demonic scale.

M: I wanna see this fucking scale. I actually googled demon scale after watching this because I had never heard of a fucking demon scale. Guess what, there's no demon scale. If you have access to this demon scale, PLEASE message me. I have a mighty need to see this thing.

B: WHAT the fuck is he talking about? Where is this demon scale?? Who made this demon scale?? This bitch just literally fucking made that shit up and thought we wouldn't notice.

M: And again, what exactly does this goat demon have to do with the house? What is the actual connection?

B: Does he just like hanging out there? Also, insert shots of some guy in a goat suit to make it seem scary. But we know that's just a guy in a goat suit. I guess that's what the demon is supposed to look like?

B: This also pisses me off - Zak Bagans and his crew track down this poor family by finding their home address from news footage, which is stalking, because they won't return his phone calls.

B: Also, let's not forget Zak's claim that a clairvoyant said this house was 'home to 200 demons'. WHAT?? Zak recounts some of the story of the family's supernatural experiences. But this is about him now! This movie is about HIM!

Pictured: I really want to see his artistic rendering of this demon

M: He has about as much reverence for the supernatural as I have for him.

B: Also, they film these people from their car, perhaps as though they didn't want them to know they were being filmed! Good job Zak, stalking an innocent family to record them without their consent for your shitty, self-aggrandizing ghost show. At least they had the decency to blur faces.

B: They then say they don't want to have anything to do with the documentary. Zak Bagans makes up an excuse about how things have attached themselves to him from the house. Just leave these people alone. Problem solved. However, one guy is coerced into talking about what happened during the possession, which mostly affected the kids in the house.

M: I don't discount that something actually happened to the family that lived there, that they may have had some sort of supernatural experience. That's not really what I'm trying to say here - I just don't believe in Zak Bagans.

B: Or, whether it was supernatural or not, something obviously affected them that they perceived as paranormal that made them want to move out of the house. Of course, there are more realistic explanations for many of these experiences, but that's not what we're here to debate. Zak Bagans knows jack shit about parapsychology and is just pretending to for clout.

M: Imaginary clout... Also, these reenactments are the only good part of the movie. Props to those child actors.

Pictured: children enjoying some fortnite just before becoming possessed.

B: Also, apparently, spirits are like velcro or something. I guess you can get 'infected' with ghosts. Watch out for that coronavirus, of course, but also, watch out for GHOSTS.

B: This priest performed definitely approved and legitimate excorcisms on this house I guess.

M: It's pretty hard to get one of those these days, but what do I know...

B: Yeah, we're not the world's leading experts on ghosts and demonology!

B: Zak Bagans inserts interview footage to make his fake documentary seem legit. If it was a real documentary about the Ammonses' experience, detailing multiple points of view with people who actually know stuff about supernatural cases and/or parapsycology, it might be a good documentary. However, it is not. Zak Bagans does not know what a documentary is. He thinks he is so cool that he is the only expert necessary because he know EVERYTHING about ghosts.

B: Zak Bagans did not film this. He found footage and has nothing to say about it. He just wants you to believe that he knows stuff. I suppose it's context. But, as I've mentioned, this documentary isn't really about the Ammons family or their experiences in this house, it's about Zak Bagans.

M: All of this is just being set up to try to lend credence to the later part of this movie, which has nothing to do with any of this.

B: Zak Bagans heard someone else was having a demon party and wanted to be invited.

M: It's POSSIBLE, but it's extremely fucking unlikely. Anything is POSSIBLE. You're leading the audience, Zak.

B: Okay, if this was just a horror movie, one of those ones that's 'based ona true story', and Zak wasn't trying to pretend that this is all 100% real, it would be fine. I wouldn't have as much of a problem with it. As it is, it's Zak Bagans trying to convince us all that he's so, so cool. He has found DEFINITIVE proof of demons.

B: Of course it's creepy! It's a basement! It's like saying an attic is creepy - they're ALL creepy.

B: INDISTICT BACKGROUND NOISES??? THAT DON'T EVEN SOUND LIKE A VOICE?? Now we're getting into real ghost shit. While I don't believe Zak Bagans knows shit about ghosts or demons, he obviously has a lot of experience with indeterminate noises.

M: His entire show is indeterminate noises.

B: Ghost hunters LOVE indeterminate noises! Zak Bagans interviews a man about a weird noise on his recording. SO compelling.

B: An AM/FM radio went to static? There can't be any explanation for that other than ghosts... Zak also loves to make claims that he substantiates with NO evidence! It's almost as if he feels the FACTS might not be compelling enough. According to this police officer, the demons affect women and children physically, and 'stronger men electronically'.

M: No input on how it affects the weaker men, though.

B: Also, apparently, the epicenter of this demon outbreak is a spot of dirt under the stairs. Everybody knows dirt is demonic. Demons can't hide in concrete or solid flooring; they like a more naturalistic approach.

B: Aggravate OR abate the demon. Those seem like quite extreme options. Also, listen to the list of super spooky stuff the police officers dug up from the spot under the stairs: a pink press-on nail and PANTIES. Everyone knows a good demonic summoning ritual needs to involve lots of women's panties. VERY spooky. Also, a comb, two children's socks, a heavy bar, and a red tin. All very definitely demonic summoning artifacts and not just random items that got lost.

M: Zak refers to this pile of nonsense as a demonic altar.

Pictured: one demonic altar

B: This priest is on board too. He thinks these random objects are 100% demonic. Because of reasons. He believes it's NECROMANCY.

M: What does a priest know about necromancy? ...asking for a friend.

B: He knows it involves PANTIES.

M: I've never heard of a necromantic ritual that involves panties...not that I know anything about necromancy.

B: You know more than Zak Bagans does!

M: Ok, I am now an expert on necromancy, and hereby ALL necromantic rituals must involve women's panties...and uhh, a big stick, and a tin, and whatever else you've got laying around.

B: This cop assumed that this was a literal portal to Hell. That's where the panties came from.

M: HELL PANTIES.

B: That would be a great name for like...an all-female metal band. Or a really bad B-movie. Or both.

M: No way those panties could've gotten there any other way...demons is the only logical answer.

Pictured: Detective Gruszka finally goes to the women’s section at Macy’s

B: THE WALLS WILL OOZE GREEN SLIME! No, wait, that always happens. "Half her hand went completely white" followed by a photo of half of her hand not being completely white.

Pictured: a white person’s hand.

M: Can I just take a moment again to say how much I don't like Zak Bagans?

B: So many unrelated people...confirmed that there was something on the blinds.

M: Which means...DEMONS ARE REAL! That's the only logical conclusion, right?

B: Insert shot of a spider, because that's SPOOKY.

M: Wow, it must be a lot easier to get an excorcism these days.

M: Why did Zak Bagans record this phone call?

B: That's a very good fucking question!

M: Did he not? Is he just pulling this shit out of his ass for the camera?

B: His voice is so emotionless you can't tell.

M: Also, what relevance does this have to anything?

B: Big Hollywood producers only want money!! Unlike you, Zak, Zakary, who definitely DIDN'T make THIS movie for money or fame. This nonexistant 'other movie' about this story that is the source of all Zak's problems and DEFINITELY the reason the Ammons don't want to talk to him.

B: The homeless people and the landlord don't believe the house is haunted. That's Zak's version of trying to present a counter-point. Obviously, he never had to write an argumentative essay in school.

M: He was probably the guy in group projects who never did anything.

B: Homeless Person: "Money make you say a whole lotta stuff." Obviously, he's right.

Pictured: no comment needed

B: "I'd like to find out rather the claims are real or false. I'm not here to fabricate nothing or sensationalize on anything..." ZAK.....................................go to hell.

B: You are here ENTIRELY TO fabricate stuff and sensationalize on stuff. That's why you made this MOVIE, Zakary.

M: Gosh it's crazy, it's almost as if money makes people say things.

B: It's almost as if maybe he thought you were paying him to say things for his movie. Did you slip that priest and that police officer some money 'to leave' too? "I'm not gonna tell you that until we sit down and make an agreement" YEAH IT'S ALMOST LIKE HE WANTS MONEY!

M: Zak Bagans is basically damning himself by leaving this in here...this guy's got it figured out, though.

B: He's not telling ghost stories, he's just explaining that this is profitable. Also, Zak does passively mention that there were members of the Ammons family who claim these alleged experiences did not go on. However, he doesn't understand what refuting a counterpoint actually is. It's almost like...he can't. Because, with paranomal shit, there's never enough evidence to truly confirm or deny.

M: "Wow"

B: Wow...insert 'wow' vine here. Oh, and this part where he intentionally brings up a photo he knows is fake and has been definitively debunked. SO, just don't include it!! Also, 'mold and other things' that could've psychologically affected the residents, including carbon monoxide. I have an idea, why don't we make this whole movie about a home inspector inspecting this house...

Pictured: Munch had the mouse over the screenshot, fuck you.

M: ALSO, all this shit is just in here to make Zak Bagans SEEM like he's exploring other avenues of explanation, which he then promptly abandons.

B: Zak Bagans has to explain to us (badly) what carbon monoxide and black mold can do to a person psychologically...perhaps causing side effects that can create or enhance the sensation that something supernatural is happening. "It's something to take into consideration." - but he won't.

B: "Some other normal explanation that was now being turned into a money grab." OH. I don't even have anything to say to that. You said it, not me. "Shit got crazy." That's how you know it's legit. Also, we are 32 minutes into this hour-and-a-half long movie, and we are now reaching the point where any sort of legitimacy goes right down the fucking toilet and we are flushed into the festering sewer of Zak Bagans' mind.

B: A family who used to live in the house shows up very conveniently to be in Zak's movie. These kids seem 'very convinced' there are demons. Some mildly supernatural hearsay is presented.

M: Also, point here - if Zak Bagans really believes that spirits can just attach themselves to anyone, then wouldn't he be deliberately endangering these people by taking them down into the basement?

B: An attributed quote that we didn't hear her say...because of course. And, if the basement reminds her of her DEAD BROTHER who used to stay there, that has nothing to do with demons, and is also a perfecty legitimate reason for her to not like going back into the basement after all these years.

Pictured: A quote that nobody but Zak Biguns heard

M: Zak Bagans then proceeds to TELL THE CHILDREN that he JUST BROUGHT INTO THIS PLACE that demons can 'get inside of you and make you sick'. What, is he immune or something so he's not worried about it happening to him?

B: Also, this woman lived in the house in the 90s when she was only about 10 years old. It's almost as though, and I'm not making any claims here, that he wanted the Ammons family to be in his movie, and when they said no, he got a backup family to take their place in the script.

M: He knows all about possession, 'cause it happened to him.

B: No, for real. I was there. (I was the demon) He started doing ghost hunting because he got possessed once.

M: This is just an excuse for him to tell his origin story. Also, these kids look not on board at all with him being here.

B: Zak Bagans knows how to use Adobe Premiere. He's really proud of it. M: Again, if you believe all this is real, you are genuinely putting these people in danger. If they are legitimately afraid of ghosts following them, you are making it worse. Are you gonna come and save them, Zack?

M: I hate this fake 'EVP analysis' so much. "It SOUNDS like..." yeah, it can sound like anything if you tell people it does.

B: "What's wrong with this boy" is that you TOLD HIM that ghosts could latch onto him! Maybe he's SCARED because YOU SCARED HIM on purpose.

M: Then we get some black-and-white footage of Zak Bagans being a dick, and that's...proof of demons.

B: You pushed this guy a little bit. Honestly, it didn't look like you were pushing him that hard. It's also convenient that you weren't recording at the time but immediately started recording again as soon as you stepped out of the house, because this is all real, and definitely exactly how it happened.

B: These guys have to explain to Zak what he did, so that the audience can also get explained to what happened in the footage they just saw. I don't know anyone could have construed that as anything other than a genuine demonic possession.

M: He's not even a credible actor, like there's nothing believable about these performances. It's such shit. Zak Bagend must leave (for no reason) but then someone tries to break into what he repeatedly calls " My House" as if he lives there. Why would anyone want to break into his jank ass haunted house? This seems really unlikely. Zachhh says the cops won't go in the house. Too scared. Zak says it's " a different kind of haunting." Wtf does that even mean?

M: Zak is now interviewing the CPS worker from the case that this was supposed to be about.

B: Yeah you remember that?

M: No, not anymore. She seems credible, Zak Bagnnnns does not. I really don't believe he believes in any of this.

B: Yeah ask the woman about her emotional trauma, Zak. Ask a CPS worker about her trauma. Be like oh so this was a traumatic experience for you? You should talk about it with me for this shitty documentary!

M: She says her therapist told her to seek help. That's...pretty bad right? When your therapist says to seek help? Now some informative badly edited cards about things that allegedly happened in this house. Why didn't we hear anything from the home inspector who was choked in his sleep and got cancer??? That's some real shit!

Pictured: The one guy we really wanted to hear from

B: This DEFINITELY had everything to do with demons. Demons are the #1 cause of cancer in the United States. They don't want you to know that.

M: Oh the fucking bike ride. On his way to do a second exorcism on Latoya ( why did she need a second exorcism?) this priest fell off his bike. Because demons.

B: Well you know it's not an exact science. I'd go so far as to say it's not science! It's not even science adjacent. Zak Bagel doesn't even know wtf science is.

M: I am literally laughing out loud. This priest says the demon was trying to figure out what would stop him from going forward with this second exorcism and the best thing this fucking demon, this 8 out 10 DEMON ON THE DEMON SCALE DEMON can come up with is knocking a dude off his bike?? Just get back on your bike, man.

B: This is my major problem with this movie, especially this second half. Zak Brainend presenting all this random shit that happened and blaming it on demons. This is the 21st century, we don't blame all our problems on demons. We don't live in the middle ages. This priest falling off his bike wasn't because of demons.

M Correllation is not causation. This detective fucking slid on ice two days after being in the house and ended up in the ER. That is not because of demons. Wait...is he interviewing him in the fucking ghost house?

B: And then he brings up him being shot during a home invasion and blames that on demons.

M: So he gets a call from Mika who was part of the backup family to tell him her daughter is in distressl WHY would you call Zak Braggans?

Pictured: A girl with her face blurred out because I’m not Zak Bagans

B: This pisses me off. If this girl is actually suicidal and actually tried to kill herself, you don't put that in your shitty demon movie. If she's actually depressed and hurting herself you don't put that in there. It's not cool. It's very exploitative. You don't know anything about ths girl's mental illness or anything that's going on in her life. If this is all indeed real and not scripted, you're just a piece of shit!

M: But demons!

B: Stay out of it Zak, this doesn't involve you. You're not a psychologist or a therapist, it's not your business.

B: One of his crew members quits. Because of the demons.

M: And not because he thought maybe Zak exploiting a suicidal girl was bad. Where did they find this priest anyway, he seems so sketchy.

B: I'm also pissed that they brought this suicidal girl in to have an EXORCISM. She needs mental help and therapy and a licensed person to help her. You don't give her an exorcism and go oh you're fine. When the exorcism doesn't work she's going to feel extra shitty. But whatever Zak, it's your fucking movie. You do whatever you want for your movie. Who am I to tell you what you can and can't do with a suicidal teenage girl.

M: This confirms to me that this priest is sketchy as fuck. If he was reliable he would have said Zak no, this girl needs actual help. Zak is still blaming demons. I hate him so much. I hate his stupid douchebag face.

B: And he sits here and puts this girl on camera and asks her questions about it. NO NO fuck you, genuinely fuck you Zak. Again, this is exploitative as shit. Trying to make cutting her wrists into being some kind of stigmata. Fuck you. This doesn't have anything with demons.

Pictured: A religious phenomena usually experienced by the very devout

M: Why would demons invoke stigmata anyway, that's....not how that works.

B: It's just feels like Zak Blehgins is exploiting this family and trying to convince them that everything is demons from this house they spent 10 minutes in. Again, it's like he has no idea what he shouldn't do. Nobody thought to ask her about her feelings. If this is real she needs help and not Zak Blahggg asking her questions with a camera in her face.

M: This poor teenage girl does not want to be in this. Her head drops and they're like OKAY EXORCISM OVER SHE'S FINE. Then Zak's psychic friendo Debbie tries to make contact with the demon remotely. Why? Why would she invite that? Does she wanna hang out?

B: Is she gonna like text the demon? Facebook messenger? How many psychic friends does he have?

M: Oh she succeeded I guess and it said WHARBLGARBL. And then Debbie was killed in a double murder suicide.

Pictured: Wharblgarble

B: Her husband murdered her and her roommate and if you really cared you would not put this in your goddamn demon documentary. Can you just leave shit like this out of it? Tie your friend's murder into your damn demons. This is why I hate Zak Biguns. He's a fucking manipulative asshole who tries to spin murder and suicide and cancer into his conspiracy theory movie about demons. ANOTHER point, the common thread among all of these stories is YOU, Zak, you could make exactly the same point about you. He also found a Hell is Real sign. Also trying to claim that demonic activity is higher in areas with high crime rates, poverty and murders.

M: And now some facts about Gary, Indiana.

B: And also exploiting this poverty stricken predominately black community. A segment where we explore actual problems that this place has. Zak you fucking absolute....

M: Zak is now telling us that like 5 people died there but he can't discount that someone close to the Ammonses might have cursed the house and invited the demons. Like...5 people dying there wasn't enough for you Zak? Zak's gonna go kick Latoya's boyfriend's ass because he thinks he tried to curse them with panties. That's a real thing that's happening. Zak can now tell whether people are into the occult by looking at them.

B: Another previously unknown superpower. Maybe he has a white savior complex.

M: MAYBE? The boyfriend doesn't wanna talk. Big shock.

B: What did you think was gonna happen.

M: This guy is a piece of work. Dr. Barry Taff, who holds a doctorate in psychophysiology. ( the study of the relationship between physiological and psychological phenomena, I had to look it up so you get to learn too, bitches ) He's gonna come and see if electromagnetic stuff is causing the demons. But everything is normal so...therefore demons. But there's a spike in the basement. That doesn't mean it's demons though. In fact, it would seem to indicate the opposite.

B: This happens on a lot of ghost hunting shows. I'm not sure what your weird electromagnetic shit has to do with ghosts but..?

Pictured: Zak Bagans realizing he’s a huge idiot

M: Now Zak has to go walk off again. He's being really affected by these demons. Weren't there supposed to be like 200 demons here or something? Doesn't this really do more to explain that demons aren't real?

Z: Zak Braggins is a superconductor. He also seems genuinely surprised by what this guy is telling him.

M: That's because he doesn't understand science. Something causes him to lunge at the doctor, which is totally believable.

B: He just got mad the guy wasn't telling him it was demons. Fuck you and your science! The doctor hears a dog. Everyone knows demons bark like dogs. You said it was goat man, why does it bark like a dog?

M: So much footage of dudes just walking around supposedly being affected. Might be the carbon monoxide they actually detected earlier? Or the black mold?

B: I love this part! This is fucking great. Footage of this guy walking around and then the cameraman's finger gets in the shot. It totally doesn't look exactly like what happens when you put your finger in front of the lens. Totally.

M: It's demons, obviously. The black anomaly. It's a fucking finger. They're just filming this dude walking around who seems to be ill and claiming he's touching the anomaly and shit. Take this dude to the fucking doctor.

B: They take it to some NASA dude who enhances it and says there's no way it's the cameraman's finger. I still don't believe it's not the cameraman's finger. Oh shit, I just realized...I have fingers!

M: It might be a dick.

B: If this cameraman and the doctor both feel faint, maybe you should just get out of the house!

M: This literally sounds like carbon monoxide poisoning which can cause nauseau, headaches, confusion, memory loss and literally every other thing except bad acting. Adam the cameraman wanders off and they find him in the basement. He later apparently starts VOMITING BLOOD??? Take this boy to the hospital! He starts screaming Zak in a weird voice so they decide to film it, natch.

Pictured: Criminal negligence

B: Zak....zaaaaaaaaak i need to go to the hospital....this seems like negligence. M: Now they've lost him. Lots of footage of Adam being really aggressive for no reason. Nobody is concerned any longer about his vomiting blood. Something is wrong with this dude and you assholes are filming him. Adam wants to go to the house because of reasons that I'm sure are 100 percent legit. Maybe he's just tired of being in this shit ass movie with these shit ass friends. Zak says this is the scariest thing he's ever seen in his life.

B: This movie is the scariest thing I've ever seen in my life.

M: I honestly love the Adam bit. It's so fake. This dude is just being a dick on camera and Zak is like IT'S OBVIOUSLY DEMONS. Dr. Taff has a loud noise in his ear later on that wakes him up.

B: He's literally explaining exploding head syndrome. I have this, I know what it is. Characterized by loud noise you suddenly imagine just before you fall asleep, and can also occur as you wake up in the night. Google it. Also not caused by demons!

M: He wakes up with blood in his ears. Go to the hospital!

B: Or he had a stroke, or an aneurysm.

M: Meanwhile...Adam is getting interviewed instead of going to the hospital for barfing up blood. Adam doesn't wanna be on tape but they tape him secretly because they're fucking assholes. Adam says you know what I said bruh and Zak is like omfg the goatman.

Pictured: It’s hard to find good images because this movie is also badly badly filmed and it’s just shitty creepy shots and then Zak talking.

B: It wants you, Zak, you're the leader of the bunch.

M: Adam has a fucking aura of freezing air and EMF around him but we don't get to see any of the instruments they're using to record that.

B: These are obviously some very trustworthy guys.

M: They are filming him without his consent.

B: Seems to be a recurring theme.

M: Dr. Taff finally gets to a fucking hospital where his organs are shutting down. Like every single one of them. He mentions infection in his prostate.

B: I don't think his organ failure is best explained by demons. He has a severe medical problem.

M: All these people he's saying got sick and NOBODY fucking went to a hospital?

B: No..my dude...you are sick. You have a medical problem, not demons. M: Oh and now Adam has been removed from the crew because he's being weird and violent. They try to get him help but Adam refuses. I think Adam just got sick of their shit.

B: They had to make something up.

M: You have anything you wanna say here before Zak boards himself up in the house...alone...overnight?

B: Have fun, big guy.

M: Zakkkk " I know this sound stupid..."

B: It IS stupid. You set yourself up for that one. We're gonna have a sleepover with the demons! Pictured...the tiny penis in it's natual habitat.

M: This part is so fucking dumb. It's just....deeply deeply dumb.

B: They also moved in furniture so Zak can be comfy with the demon. And then... nothing happened. Lots of shots of absolutely nothing happening. I feel like I'm watching Paranormal Activity

M: Except stuff happened in that. Now in fast forward. Zak takes off his coat.

Pictured: the horror of seeing Zak Bagans undress

OOH SPOOKY. Nothing is happening. At all. He sits down and checks his phone so we can learn he doesn't wanna do lights out. Why? Nothing is happening. He just keeps opening doors. What is Sebastian? I'm arranging matches. He makes sures the door is locked.

B: Make sure the audience knows he's boarded up in there. You so brave. So big dick macho brave. You did this, Zak. Zak is scared of the dark. It's okay. It's natural.

M: I don't know why he's bitching. He orchestrated this. OOH LIGHTS OUT. NIGHT VISION ON. NOTHING IS HAPPENING.

B: This part also feels like the intro to some weird night vision demon porno, he's just walking around with a camera.

M: That would at least be interesting. Nothing is happening at all. We just keep getting time cuts to more nothing happening. Finally they will decide this is too much nothing happening and make up some shit.

B: It's almost like shit's really boring when Zak doesn't have people around to help him make up shit. Hey did you guys hear a sound? No.

Pictured: Lies

M: 4:51 am. When will this end? How much more nothing happening does the audicence need. And not to put too fine a point on it...but this house is the DEMON HOUSE. Supposedly haunted by over 200 demons and a goat-man and also an 8 out of 10 on the demon scale, and NOTHING IS HAPPENING.

M: Zak is getting a headache. Probably because of carbon monoxide. There's an obviously faked goat-ish noise. Zak tells it to get away because that's gonna work. Shoo, demon.

Pictured: A man gets mouthy while backed against a wall in fear

B: He sounds very sincere. Back the fuck up, man. Why do these dudes always try to get all up in the demon's face? Fuck you, demon. Maybe the demon just thinks you're rude. He was just trying to say hi.

M: A title card pops up to say that Zak Bagans witnessed a dark mass come out of the wall. There's cameras literally fucking everywhere but we don't get to see that.

B: Water water everywhere but not a drop to drink.

M: Now his eyes hurt. Which makes him yell and knock shit over

. B: Can you imagine how we feel in quarantine? He develops diplopia. Double vision.

M: It's not that serious, Zak. Doctors can't figure out what caused it. This does not mean it was caused by fucking demons. We get updates on Kevin who apparently caught a demon from Zak. Adam went goth.

B: Adam got tattoos and we looked him up and he makes horror movies and shit now. He just looks like a metalhead. I wanna say something here again about Dr. Taff and his diplopia. He's acting like doctors not knowing the cause of something is rare. It is not. Anyone with chronic health issues can tell you that. Tests and doctors are not infallible and it's often hard to diagnose things even if they're severe.

M: Speaking as someone with chronic health issues, this is the case more often than not. The house has not taken a toll on you people you fucking walnut.

B: We get a long list of correlation is not causation.

M: So Zak decides to bulldoze the house, thus freeing the demons loose in the world to do their dark dark bidding.

B: Or something. My theory is that he bulldozed the house so nobody could go back there and his investigation would be the FINAL word on the matter, like so he could be the ultimate authority on this case and nobody could come back and try to contest him...or try to profit off of these events after him.

M: Closing thoughts?

B: Zak Briggins seems like a complete douche. When you start the movie he's just some guy who hunts ghosts and thinks he knows things. But as it goes on, you see he's also very exploitative and manipulative and not a good guy! He takes advantage of people's deaths and mental issues and health problems to further his demon agenda. In conclusion, fuck you Zak Bagans.

M: Zak claims that even tho the house is gone, the cops keep calling to tell him to tell him people are doing satanic rituals at the site on the regular. Why would the cops even call him for that? There's no house there. I call bullshit. On ALL of this. This story IS cursed, man. Don't expose yourself or your loved ones to the horrors of Demon House.

B: I call bullshit on there being producers on this movie.

M: That's fair. I miss Ghost Hunters.

#ghost adventures #zak bagans #munchflix #humor #ghost #demon house #ghost hunting #ghost hunters #zak baggans

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americasleeps-blog · 4 years

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Murder in America

I want you to close your eyes and picture this:

Open a liquor store but close a soup kitchen.

Open a Walmart (on restricted hours) but close a local barbershop.

Lose your job but receive a check within a month from the government.

Isolate yourself from friends, families, cancel weddings, baby showers, and any other social gatherings. Force people to become depressed and alone.

No traveling unless mandatory. Requirement to wear a mask otherwise receive a fine.

Release inmates into society which have harmed the American people.

Go to the grocery store in hopes that you will get the food you need. Sometimes you can find meat if you’re lucky!

No surgeries or doctor appointments. See your doctor over a video chat or try and have them phone you in your medication. Hopefully your shitty healthcare covers it

Perpetrate as much fear as possible and expect people to find their own means of “protection.”

What does this sound like? A deadly virus, or a deadly murder of the American people? .

Now open your eyes.

The lethal so called “coronavirus” has a death rate of .07% with the flu season in 2018 killing more than the so-called coronavirus .

Originally predicted 2 million deaths. Then it was 1 million. Then it was 500K then 100K and now, as of May a whopping 70,000 total deaths.

Not to mention, retrospect-fully adding deaths before AND after knowing the cause of death for financial gains in hospitals.

With an American economy the strongest it had been in over a century, a failed election, 2 failed impeachment attempts, and an EXTREMELY powerful party, the Democratic Party has had a virus for a very long time. And this time it is hitting home.

Your state officials control your day to day life. Who you see, where you go, what time you go, what states you can travel to.

It’s hitting your jobs, your incomes, your families, your children, your mental health, your physical health, your schools, your businesses. Just about anything you could control under your freedom, is now gone. Even your freedom of speech. You realize you’re literally covering your mouth with a mask right?

You now don’t have to pay rent , car payments, or your student loans. You have been completely taken off the hook of any responsibility that you once had. Let me repeat: ANY MEANS OF OBLIGATORY PAYMENTS IS NOW FORGIVEN.

This party saw an opportunity and they jumped on it. They wanted to instill the fear of death in the American people and shut down everything they stood for - the American dream. Not to mention, not even a whisper of positivity or light at the end of tunnel talks. No established treatments and not even an update on a treatment? Seems odd to me.

Every single piece of information was anecdotal, and not factual. There is a very big difference in those two words.

It’s time to wake up from the real virus.

Let’s actually be “in this together.”

#freedom #governmentcontrol #dependingongovernment liberals coronavirushoax

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stopforamoment · 6 years

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Tumbled Down and Shattered (4 of 7)

Sturm und Drang

Tumbled Down and Shattered (4 of 7)

Book: The Royal Romance (After Book Three) Pairing: Bastien Lykel x OFC Rinda Parks Word Count: 1,979 Rating: R for Language and Discussion of Rape ****TRIGGERS discussion of rape and unwanted sexual contact Author’s Note: Obligatory disclaimer that Pixelberry Studios owns the TRR characters and my pocketbook with those darn diamond scenes. OFC with all of her quirks is all mine. My apologies if Tumblr or I do something stupid when I try to post this. The keep reading link shows up on my laptop but not my phone. Ugh. This series takes place in week three of the school year, and Bastien and Rinda are about to go through their first major friendship challenges. This chapter is inspired by a quotation from Zora Neale Hurston’s Their Eyes Were Watching God (Chapter Six):

Janie stood where he left her for unmeasured time and thought. She stood there until something fell off the shelf inside her. Then she went inside there to see what it was. It was her image of Jody tumbled down and shattered. But looking at it she saw that it never was the flesh and blood figure of her dreams. Just some thing she had grabbed up to drape her dreams over. In a way she turned her back upon the image where it lay and looked further. She had no more blossomy openings dusting pollen over her man, neither any glistening young fruit where the petals used to be.

Summary: Bastien told Rinda the truth about his involvement with framing Queen Riley, and Rinda is trying to process everything.

Betrayed. She felt betrayed. Even though it didn’t directly affect her, even though Bastien was following King Constantine’s orders, she felt betrayed. He was supposed to be one of the “good ones.” The kind you rarely found. The ones who were gentle and protecting, the ones who made you feel safe and cherished. But Bastien didn’t do that for Queen Riley. He fell short. Rinda knew she put him on a pedestal, that her judgement was clouded because of how kind he’d been to her and Henry. She didn’t know how to reconcile that man, the one she knew ten minutes ago, with the man who sat in front of her now. The man to whom she now felt a deep loathing. She took a deep breath, taking her time and weighing her options before she spoke. Did she want to torch their friendship? She could. And she would. Few people knew the true extent of Rinda’s temper. She internalized things and held a grudge until she was just done with someone. And when she was done, she struck. Hard and unfair. Lashing out, purposely burning bridges, not caring because she never needed to look back. Rinda knew from growing up with her parents that words hurt. Even the tone of how something was said, or the timing of it, that hurt too. And no matter how often someone said “sorry,” the crack was there. Those words could never be taken back. Rinda hated confrontation and it drove Jameson crazy. He would ask “what’s wrong,” and she would refuse to answer. Then days, even weeks later she’d bring it up again. At first Jameson thought she did it on purpose, dredging up the past. But then he realized that it truly took her that long to internalize things and Rinda learned that she needed to be more vocal about her feelings. And they learned how to compromise. Jameson learned to give Rinda her space for a day or two, and she learned to accept that him asking “what’s wrong” multiple times, even after she already told him several times, was his way of caring. He knew her too well. He knew that she could be fine with giving the facts of what was wrong. The what. But he knew to keep chipping away, until she could explain her feelings of what was wrong. The why. They learned how to understand each other, how to fight fair. And no matter how upset Jameson got with Rinda, he remembered her baggage because of her parents. He never raised his voice to her and they never fought in front of Henry. But all of that was over. This was the present, and she was standing in front of him. The man who read her file, who knew the truth about her rape. The one she confided to about how embarrassed she was when being a woman was used against her, and how much she missed Jameson and how he would protect her. Bastien was the man who held her when she saw the video and Jameson died all over again. And she hated him even more because he had access to those intimate parts of her life, and he made her feel safe. But it was just an illusion, not a reality. He wasn’t real and she should have known that he was too good to be true. They wouldn’t be working together for much longer. And Henry didn’t need to know the truth. They’d be back in the United States soon enough. They wouldn’t have kept in touch anyways. She could burn that bridge, and she could burn it well, because Rinda knew his weaknesses. It started the first day of training when he asked her “Mrs. Parks, if you really needed to defend yourself and your students, what would you do?” That’s all it took to goad her, to prove to him that she would stop at nothing. She sized him up. He was almost a foot taller than her, but she knew lower body pressure points that work with a taller opponent. And he had a slight, slight limp. She doubted if anyone else noticed it. But Jameson had a work injury and she was used to his modified gait, overcompensating because of the pain in his leg when he walked. She saw Bastien did the same thing, and she was going to exploit that weakness. If it were someone threatening her students, she wouldn’t hesitate to use it. And it worked. Just enough that he was caught off guard and he fell to his knees. Rinda immediately backed up. The practice drill wasn’t over, and he could still grab her and pull her down. She quickly asked to end that drill and good-naturedly gave him her hand to help him up. She made sure to make a point of thanking him for going easy on her and not kicking her ass. Everyone else in the room chuckled, assuming that’s what happened. But the truth was that she exploited a weakness of his that he wasn’t expecting, and she got very lucky. That limp. Other guards must have seen it, the king and queen must have seen it, and she was certain the true extent of his injuries were more commonly known than Bastien would like to admit. Mara was doing a great job at the palace, and it was very possible she was Bastien’s permanent replacement. And he swore an oath to defend King Constantine, but it meant nothing because that king was a piece of shit, and Bastien was nothing more than his lackey. And a queen dying when he was right there in the room, supposed to be protecting her? And two palace attacks, when he was in charge of security? He trusted her with personal details of his life, just like she trusted him. Yes. Rinda could decimate him. But she wouldn’t. She wasn’t her mom and she wasn’t her dad. And the safety of the children when Liam and Riley visited was more important than this. So she took a deep breath. She would say her peace, but she would still try to fight fair.

“Bastien, you know she could have been raped? And even if Drake was in the room next door, there was no guaranty that he would be there, that he could have gotten there in time?” “Yes.” It was softer than a whisper. That further admission of guilt and failure. “And you know how fucking strong Riley is, to survive after almost-naked photos of her were shared with the world, another thing done without her consent, and she was fucking SLUT-SHAMED for something she didn’t even do? I mean, that’s how low everyone had to stoop to stop her? To use non-consensual sexual contact and lies as a weapon against her? Fuck. I shouldn’t be surprised. It’s always that kind of low blow when men can’t stop a powerful, qualified woman.” Bastien clenched his hands, knuckles turning white. He didn’t make eye contact with Rinda. Bastien knew he fucked up, and although Queen Riley was gracious enough to forgive him, hearing Rinda say it out loud was breaking him. And he deserved it. Rinda stopped to mull things over before speaking again. She could tell that he felt remorse. Not that it did any good now. She also knew that he didn’t have to tell her the truth. Rinda thought about what she learned from fighting with Jameson. She was going to compartmentalize those facts about this shitty, shitty situation. Emotionally, for her, it didn’t matter if he felt remorse now or not. It didn’t matter whether he chose to confess it to her on his own, or whether she found out through someone else. The deed was still done, and it was disgusting that he agreed to be a part of it. There was no honor in that. But she put that away, for now. She could process that later, when he was gone. Intellectually, rationally, logically, it was courageous that he spoke to her. That took guts. And he regrets his actions, and Queen Riley came out on top, even graciously forgiving him, so that’s got to mean something. Maybe she shouldn’t pick at that scab anymore. Okay. She would hang onto that reasoning as she continued. But just for now. She wasn’t even close to ready to speak about her feelings yet. And if she were, it would either be a Rinda Rant or a string of obscenities and attacks. She would either make an ass of herself or burn that bridge. Stories. Stories worked when she had trouble communicating her feelings, and it worked in the past when she tried to explain herself to Bastien. “Bastien. I never truly understood why people would willingly do so much to protect others. Military, law enforcement, first responders. I never understood that level of bravery and honor. I could only admire it. “Where we live, there were budget cuts after budget cuts, to the point that it wasn’t safe for the police officers in Jameson’s department. Not having the right equipment, shitty insurance, shitty pay. And I knew that Jameson needed to protect people. That was his calling, and all of that other stuff didn’t matter, because he and the other officers swore an oath to protect and serve.” Rinda paused, getting wrapped up in other emotions she always tried to keep hidden away. “But it was still insulting. There are a lot of bad cops out there, so Jameson would always do his best to promote positive interaction in the community. But he would still have to give people tickets, or arrest someone. He was still hated. He was sworn at, spit on. And the city couldn’t even give the police a living wage or decent insurance, yet the public expected these men and women to protect them, babysit them, die for them. He was injured in the line of duty . . . I mean, before . . . He was never the same after that injury, in constant discomfort and even pain. The job took such a toll on his body and his mind. I . . . I actually wished those people would have something bad happen to them, and the police would simply refuse to show up and help, like a blue flu or strike. “But Jameson had more courage and honor than I ever will. And when something bad actually did happen, well, the joke was on me.” She suddenly stopped and shook her head. That story brought up memories of other anger and personal guilt that she still had stored away, and she needed to get back to this situation. Bastien was quiet, unsure of how to respond or where Rinda was even going with this. After a minute she continued, but she went in a different direction. “Then I think about the U.S. secret service. What an honor to serve our country that way. But what happens when you don’t respect the person you’re guarding? When you follow them around while they’re having an affair. Or conducting illicit business. What happens when your loyalty and courage are compromised? Or isn’t it a compromise because you’re just doing your job? Is the guilt only with the commander who issues the orders, not the subordinate who follows them?

“Bastien, I’m rambling with these stories to tell you that I don’t understand how people like you and Jameson think. But I want to understand. Especially because I don’t understand what it’s like to pledge an oath to defend someone with your own life, and what you do when that person doesn’t appreciate it or isn’t worth it. Because Bastien, no one’s life is worth a man like that. Someone who would deliberately hurt a woman like that. “Bastien, I want you to tell me.”

#bastien lykel #choices trr #ofc rinda parks

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junker-town · 4 years

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Super Bowl commercials, ranked

Screenshot: Cheetos

You’ll cry, you’ll laugh, you’ll yawn.

The Super Bowl is here, which means we have the most-watched TV program of the year. With all those viewers comes an exorbitant advertising cost, up to a record $5.6 million for a 30-second ad.

Spending all that money brings with it a ton of eyeballs, and brands try to make it worth it with their most ambitious spots. This year’s Super Bowl commercials run the gamut, from tear-jerkingly sweet to face-punchingly infuriating. Here’s a look at the most memorable — good, bad, and in between.

The home runs, best of the best

Loretta (Google)

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Several of the commercials on Super Bowl Sunday have an A-list cast, with our most recognized stars trying to get us to buy something. But sometimes, the most simple approach can be beautiful.

I first saw this commercial as a pre-roll ad before a different YouTube video. It was so beautifully haunting that I couldn’t bring myself to click “skip ad” once the obligatory five seconds lapsed. Each piano key strike was foreboding, but I couldn’t click away from this poor old man, simultaneously attempting to fend off memory loss and trying to remember his dead wife. A valiant fight against the ravages of time but one we are all destined to lose.

Because I use humor — or “humor” if you prefer — to cope while processing actual human emotion, the main thing going through my mind as tears streamed down my face was that Google should have titled this commercial “Get Back Loretta,” but probably didn’t want to pay exorbitant license fees for Beatles music.

The very Good Dog (WeatherTech)

This ad is tearjerking in a different, more uplifting way. This is a commercial for WeatherTech, but not really about their company at all. WeatherTech CEO David MacNeil used his 30-second spot to thank the University of Wisconsin School of Veterinary Medicine for saving his dog Scout, who suffered from cancer of the blood cell walls. The commercial promotes a WeatherTech website for donations to help the school, and if that isn’t uplifting enough just look at this sweet, beautiful dog:

Photo: WeatherTech on YouTube

Groundhog Day (Jeep)

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It just feels good to see Phil Connors and Ned Ryerson again, and both look 27 years older. There was no The Irishman-style CGI de-aging here. The added weight of all those years make the dread on Connors’ (Bill Murray’s) face that much more real, when he wakes up at the beginning of the commercial. But his day becomes less hellish once he spots a new Jeep, then proceeds to steal along with Punxsutawney Phil for a joy ride.

This is only the second Super Bowl to fall on February 2, so perfect timing to resurrect the classic film. The other Groundhog Day Super Bowl was in 2014, when a defense with Richard Sherman obliterated one of the most dynamic offenses the NFL has ever seen. Hmmm.

Getting the message across

Katie Sowers (Microsoft)

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This is a longer version of an ad that has been running throughout the NFL playoffs, expanded for the Super Bowl — a national introduction to Katie Sowers, the offensive assistant coach for the 49ers, and her road to coaching. Sowers is the first female coach and the first openly gay coach in Super Bowl history.

“People tell me that people aren’t ready to have a woman lead, but these guys have been learning from women their whole lives. Moms, grandmas, teachers. We have all these assumptions about what women do, and what men do,” Sowers says. “I’m not trying to be the best female coach. I’m trying to be the best coach.”

The message is as clear as it is inspirational. Solid work all around.

The Secret Kicker

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This features an anonymous placekicker nailing a field goal, but once the helmet comes off to reveal it was Carli Lloyd (joined in the commercial by her USWNT teammate Crystal Dunn), the crowd is at first shocked, then applauds her successful kick. The slogan “Let’s kick inequality” is strong, and it dawned on me — of all the commercials, this has maybe the best chance of coming true. Lloyd clearly has the leg, nailing a 55-yarder during an Eagles' practice in the 2019 preseason. It’s not that farfetched that a soccer star could eventually make it in the NFL. Or maybe once Lloyd is done with soccer she can shift to basketball instead.

Make Space for Women (Olay)

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This has the best tagline from any of these commercials — “When we make space for women, we make space for everyone” — and the ad features a real astronaut (Nicole Stott) among the all-female cast. The empowering commercial also touts a #MakeSpaceForWomen hashtag, with Olay donating up to $500,000 to Girls Who Code.

Bizarre, but good

Rick & Morty (Pringles)

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I love the manic energy here. Though this is an ad for Pringles, it might as well be a commercial for "Rick & Morty." If the show is anything close to this chaotic, I’m in.

An SNL skit, but funnier

Sam Elliott reciting "Old Town Road" (Doritos)

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The regular commercial was fine, featuring a dance-off between Lil Nas X and Sam Elliott, plus haunting mustache CGI work. But for me, the better ad is the one above.

Hearing Sam Elliott read the phone book would be a treat, but hearing him act out lyrics to Old Town Road by Lil Nas X is a delight. The way the others in the bar react to Elliott’s character makes it clear he’s a man to be respected. I can’t help but wonder if this is simply world building, creating a backstory to the character of Wade Garrett so we can finally get that Road House prequel we’ve been clamoring for for decades.

Smaht Pahk (Hyundai)

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In theory, this ad should not work as well as it does. The three lead actors — Chris Evans, Rachel Dratch, and John Krasinski — are all from the area, so it adds some authenticity to their exaggerated Boston accents. The commitment to the bit is very strong (I counted 15 times the word park — or rather “pahk” — was used), and that’s what sells it for me. The only better use for a Boston accent in a commercial would have been if Chipotle bought time to apologize for child labah violations.

Plus, this kind of car commercial is a welcome reprieve from the usual type we get during football season, with folks buying giant-bow-adorned cars for their spouse.

Can’t Touch This (Cheetos popcorn)

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You had me at M.C. Hammer. That could have been the entire commercial — it basically was, with the main character getting out of various tasks because of the orange Cheetos dust on his fingers — and I would have been fine. But what sold it for me was after the trust fall, the poor guy who fell to the ground, not caught by the orange-fingered culprit, expertly delivers, “Why?” I don’t know why it made me laugh, but it did.

I can’t unsee this

The Shining remake (Mountain Dew Zero Sugar)

Had Bryan Cranston retired after Malcom in the Middle he still would have been revered for playing one of the most memorable and hilarious television dads in history. But Breaking Bad will lead his obituary, and for good reason. Cranston is a wonderfully gifted actor, and his channeling Jack Nicholson in a remake of The Shining for this commercial — the slogan is “as good as the original, maybe better?” — is quite good. But I will not be able to shake this image out of my head for some time:

Screenshot: Mountain Dew on YouTube

The Doppelgänger

This isn’t a commercial at all, but rather a tweeted tease from Honda before the game. I couldn’t help but notice the Helpful Honda guy looks a hell of a lot like Brutus.

Photo: Honda on Twitter

Photo by Justin Casterline/Getty Images

Snoozefest

Typical Americans (Budweiser)

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I appreciate the sarcastic irony of the ad, using footage of good deeds and various accomplishments, with bonus points for using USWNT Instagram stories from the post-World Cup celebration (but they should have found a way to work in “You’re welcome for this content, bitch!”). But still, this commercial falls flat. It’s probably the best of the boring subgroup here for at least having the decency to avoid jamming some shitty Lee Greenwood song into our ears.

Sonic the Hedgehog

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This is a combination commercial and trailer for the upcoming "Sonic" movie, but is probably the most sports-relevant of the ads so far. Michael Thomas of the Saints, Christian McCaffrey of the Panthers, Olympic sprinter Allyson Felix, and NASCAR driver Kyle Busch are known for speed in their respective sports, but all sing the praises of the movie's main character, Sonic the Hedgehog. The inclusion of said athletes does nothing to save this commercial from being boring, however.

By the way, I hope there eventually is a sequel to this "Sonic" movie, just so it can have the tagline “The Sega Continues.”

Jimmy Works It Out (Michelob Ultra)

youtube

There are a ton of people who find Jimmy Fallon funny, so this is probably fine for them. This has everything a Super Bowl commercial is supposed to have: elaborate production, cameos from athletes and stars. But I can’t shake the fact that Jimmy Fallon tries too hard; the payoff just isn’t there for me. Maybe I still see him as the guy who laughed through every "SNL" sketch he was ever in.

Ostensibly this is an ad for Michelob Ultra, but it might as well be vanilla beer to match the bland Fallon.

Please, God, go away

Gabe Gabriel is my mortal enemy. He is unavoidable on Super Bowl Sunday, so stay safe out there everybody.

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marogtrobbie · 7 years

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i was tagged by the lovely @jamesbarnesbuchanan, thank you so much lia!!

1. where is your cell phone? in my hand haha 2. your hair? it’s curly and kinda okay right now 3. your mom? she’s asleep 4. your other half? ... *sweats nervously* did you mean my cat??? she’s well 5. your favourite food? i have too many to list lol 6. your dream last night? i dreamed that i had a boyfriend and it’s a recurring dream these days fml 7. your favourite drink? water, tea, coffee 8. fear? i have lots. like what if i’ll never figure out what i wanna do in life? what if i do but i won’t be good at it? what if i’ll never find a good thesis topic?? and i have weird ones too which i’d rather not share haha 9. your home away from home? don’t have one 10. where were you last night? at home 11. something that you aren’t? funny, good at school, outgoing, confident, and many other things haha 12. muffins? yes 13. wish list item? it’s not really an item, i wanna live in london, and also to have all our debts magically erased. 14. where you grew up? in a black hole haha (in budapest, hungary) 15. last thing you did? watched a few videos on youtube 16. what are you wearing now? a t shirt, sweatpants and a robe bc i’m cold 17. your TV? it’s an old shitty one, we wanna buy a new one but we don’t have the money for it unfortunately 18. your pets? a black cat, she’s gonna be 2 years old in may 19. friends? have a few great ones, god bless them 20. your life? it’s okay, though depression and anxiety make it really hard 21. missing someone? not right now

i’m tagging @sebbystan, @graintgustin, @james--tkirk, @leonarbmccoy, @uhuura. it’s not obligatory ofc!!

#about me

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misspersonality · 6 years

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dead friends

i was looking at the list of tumblrs i followed on my old account to try to find people to follow with this one. it made me realize this will be the first time i won’t be following bryn kelly on some blogging platform IN MY WHOLE LIFE.

i always want to delete my facebook and make a new one that has barely anything or anyone on it but so many of my facefriends are dead. since rich men have tricked us all into ditching our archives and collections in favor of providing free “content” to their growing databases, all i have left from dead friends are shitty cell phone photos and omg-remember-whens that weren’t even our best moments and youtube videos i forgot to watch but hit "like” on anyway and of course those fucking obligatory happy-birthdays.

#bryn kelly

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romancevsreality-blog · 7 years

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vanderpump rules, season five, episode sixteen: these boys need help with their drag names

It feels greeeeeeat to be back, y’all.

Sorry about last week - Valenslimes Day got a little wild.

We’re in New Orleans too, where everyone’s hungover from their night in the very secret underground place called Bourbon Street. Not even kidding, I laughed at that being Stassi’s idea of “Her New Orleans” being... Bourbon Street. Literally, that’s like a New Yorker taking you to The High Line1 or going to The Bean2 in Chicago. Anyway, Brittany and Jax are going over the previous night’s events wherein Jax cried because he’d been a dick to Stassi for… their entire relationship? Jax doesn’t understand why Brittany is upset that Jax cried and apologized to Stassi when Jax literally refuses to apologize or own up to anything with Brittany, and probably doesn’t talk to her with half the emotion he showed Stassi. Brittany, he’s 67 years old, his body can only produce so much moisture.

Oh, goodness Schwartz pretty much proves how shitty he can when he wakes Katie up at the beginning of the episode. In his most passive little voice he’s like, "Bubba... Bubba, wake up. Bubba, don’t you want to apologize for how you were last night? You were so mean to me last night. Wake up Bubba. How could you?" I know Katie’s literally one of the worst people on earth, but Tom’s mask is slipping and it's clear he’s toxic and incredibly passive aggressive right back to her. Straight up: if anyone wakes me up by poking me, let alone with some gross request for an apology when I’m hungover,that’s a great way to get the pair of scissors I keep under my pillow into your neck. I have a sensitive startle reflex. Don’t cross me.

Anyway, Katie and Tom basically fought the night before because Tom wanted to walk home and Katie didn’t feel safe and thus wanted to take a car. And of course, because it’s Katie, she delivered this information in an screaming, violent, vitriol-filled manner. They’re both still drunk from the night before, it’s 8 am, and nothing gets resolved, as is the typical case with these people.

The girls head to brunch in their Southern Belle Best3, where they sit and chat about the previous evening. Meanwhile, the groomsmen (and Ariana, who is a groomsman, less I other her) are going gatoring. My question: why can’t they do both? I want to go to both brunch and see a bunch of fucking gators in a swamp. Tom Schwartz reminds us he’s afraid of all nature things, so this will be fun. He’s also wasted because of what happened with Katie in addition to probably still being drunk from the night before. There’s a ton of putting butts on Schwartz’s face because he’s getting married or because these dudes just like putting their butts on each other’s faces.

Back at brunch, Kristen and Scheana are freaking out because they both don’t eat seafood. I don’t trust anyone who doesn’t eat seafood. Kristen and Scheana leave the table and we learn that the reason for Katie’s constant vitriol and abuse of Tom is rooted in the fact that they’re all certain Tom cheated on Katie in Vegas a few years prior and never completely owned up to it, and Katie never fully got over it. Tom originally told Katie that he made out with a girl in Vegas and that was it - but honestly, who just makes out with someone? That’s cheating when you’re in high school - when you’re in your 30s, cheating definitely involves sex, and I’m pretty certain Tom did it but again, it was also two years ago - if Katie’s not over it and Tom’s not forthcoming, they shouldn’t get married. Full stop. It’s not fair to bring up something from two years ago as an excuse for horrific behavior - it may excuse why Katie’s terrible to Tom, but why is she terrible to literally everyone else as well? Scheana gleefully claps at the idea that they’re going to ruin someone’s weekend to make sure their friend doesn’t look like the shitty asshole they are. Because they take pride in it. They relish in it. They enjoy it. I’m a vengeful person, but god damn.

Ugh, these fools have a crab boil and I am straight up jealous. Tom Schwartz is so drunk he feels bad for the crabs and won’t talk to Katie. He left his phone at home, which is probably the smartest move. Tom Sandoval, the MVP of this episode, suggests Tom and Katie got to counseling. Carter, who apparently was with Katie and Kristen when they came to the root of Katie’s issues with Tom, decides to play devil’s avocado for Katie and say that Tom doesn’t have her back and brings up the fact that Katie doesn’t trust Tom because of the Vegas thing. Sandoval smells Kristen all over that concept and says what I basically just did - they’re looking for a reason to vindicate and excuse Katie’s behavior and of course it’s something from two years ago. Jax asks the million dollar question, and phrases it as a sentence: “ Why are you getting married. Why are you getting married.” And tells Tom that yeah, he shouldn’t have to live like this, and Tom Schwartz is crying, so is Tom Sandoval. Tom Schwartz tries to blame himself and its hurts Tom Sandoval to see Schwartz crying. Sandoval tells Schwartz he deserves better, which is true. Everyone’s crying and all the dudes are like WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE MASCULINITY ETC ETC

We get our obligatory Lisa scene involving the cooks at Pump, and it’s mostly a scene of the cooks speaking in Spanish about how they wish they were married to Lisa.

Back in New Orleans, the girls are getting ready for their night out when they’re interrupted by a woman carrying a cake. They’re all confused as hell until she starts twerking and they all realize it’s a stripper. I am confused by so many things in this episode. But I guess if they want strippers, I can’t stop them, right?

Over with the groomsmen, Ariana and Tom wake Schwartz up by hitting him with blow-up penises because it’s time for them to get into drag. I wish that was a fake sentence, but no. Tom even got drag queens Aubrey St. Claire, Star, and Anastasia to come in and be their drag mothers. These dudes are even going as far as to tuck, which is shocking. I appreciate their full commitment, I watched the video of Willam tucking a guy. I have the link if someone wants it, it’s far too NSFW for me to post here - but jeeeeeeez, it does not look like the most comfortable thing in the world so I commend these boys for this. Ariana bounces between the groomsmen and the bridesmaids and is salivating with envy over their stripper.

My Descriptions Of How These Boys Looked In Drag:

Peter: Like my seventh and eighth grade teacher Mrs. Huff, only without the education

Jax: Like someone put Natalie Portman in the stripper scene in Closer in a blender.

Tom Sandoval: Like a power bitch, tbh. Clea Duvall in a power bitch role.

Tom Schwartz: Like a man in drag.

Ariana: Like a Kate McKinnon parody character parody.

They head over to The Rusty Nail in their finest drag, because where else better to challenge traditional masculinity roles than by showing up at a sports bar in drag. They get girls to buy them shots, Schwartz gets wasted, and Jax is basically like “Well, that’s a good sign for their marriage… they probably shouldn’t get married.” I really hate when Jax is the voice of reason on this show even though he should be because he’s 80. Ariana is full on committed to her role as Jordan Taylor, Vine Star, and I love it. I also love the shot of Jax learning what it’s like to pee as a woman. He literally pees all over himself in an attempt to pee standing up. Oh, Jax. You should have learned this 87 years ago.

Back over at Sexy Unique Restaurant, Lisa is tasting new dishes in what is clearly an advertisement for the food at Sexy Unique Restaurant. She mostly wants gluten-free, healthy dishes, and relishes in the fact that her staff isn’t there. She apparently upgraded Tom and Katie’s hotel room in New Orleans, a move that was probably unnecessary.I’m more offended by the server’s pronunciation of “loup de mer than anything else.

The guys head back to the hotel and run into the girls in the lobby, where the girls get a fresh taste of what the guys have been up to. Tom is rocking a new wig, more Sia-inspired than the last one, which was much more Cher.4 Katie and Schwartz seem to have put another band-aid on their situation, because Tom is drunk enough to be lovey-dovey with Katie just the way she wants it. Kristen, though, is not having it - she wants Schwartz to come clean about what happened in Vegas because otherwise, it’s all fake.

Kristen, who cheated on Tom Sandoval with Jax, Tom Sandoval’s best friend and Stassi’s ex-boyfriend is demanding someone come clean about their cheating. The Kristen of seasons past has returned in full force and Krazy Kristen Has Returned and requests Tom’s presence to berate Kristen about the Vegas thing. Choosing the worst times to discuss things, like when your best friend's boyfriend is drunk, in drag and at his bachelor party, you don't bring up that shit. Tom rightfully gets pissed off and walks away, but not before calling Kristen basic.

Tom Schwartz, I’m still pissed at you about the poking thing, but this is accurate af.

Kristen follows Tom into the elevator vestibule where she and Carter try to get into Tom and Tom’s face about it - Kristen tries to push Sandoval away so that she and Carter can talk to Schwartz even though Schwartz clearly wants nothing to do with any of this. He tells Kristen she needs therapy, and when Sandoval tries to tell Kristen to go away, she has the gall to remind him that none of this is her business. None of this was your business either, Kristen, you just know how poorly Katie is coming across and are desperate to make her look good for some reason no one seems to understand.

The fight leads to the hallway outside all of their rooms, where Carter is trying to defend Kristen’s shitty behavior and The Toms are trying to warn him of what he’s gotten into. Carter keeps trying to say it’s not about Kristen when Schwartz keeps talking about what a slut Kristen was and what a hypocrite she is because she’s a cheater too. And why is Carter doing any of this, anyway? He’s been there for about two weeks. Kristen is just projecting due to the massive amounts of guilt she feels - every time she thinks someone’s a cheater, she goes after them with a borderline violent obsession about avenging cheating. Jax, Brittany, and Stassi all do their own form of eavesdropping - Jax and Brittany press their faces to the wall, Stassi flat out peeks her head out and watches - and Carter doesn’t even try to atempt an argument when he finally gets a chance to speak. He’s so drunk he’s like “Tom, you’re Sia. And you two should date.” Like that is a) an insult and b) what?5

Tom runs into Katie in the hallway and curses out Kristen, and Katie doesn’t even know what’s going on. He calls her a moron and shuts himself in the room. Meanwhile, Kristen is describing the events to Ariana and Scheana, and Ariana’s like “Man. These two gotta work out their shit.” Understatement of the century, Ariana.

The Toms sit in her hotel room and basically yell “I DID NOT FUCK THAT GIRL” “YEAH YOU DIDN’T FUCK HER” at each other over and over again. Sandoval even goes as far to insinuate Schwartz had whiskey dick, a problem I wouldn’t be shocked to hear he had. Meanwhile, Kristen delivers her side of the story to Katie and Stassi (who had never heard the story at all becuase she and Katie weren’t friends at the time) and Katie agrees that Kristen had good intentions, just didn’t pick the right moment. Nah, she picked the most Kristen-suited moment. Katie’s like, “I didn’t want to talk to everyone about it because I was trying to protect him.” And yet here she is, happily playing the victim.

Ariana and Scheana try to talk to The Toms about the entire endeavor, and Tom Sandoval says the most telling thing when he mentions that it hadn’t been good for four years prior to that. They can’t blame all of their problems on one event, it just doesn’t work that way. Tom Schwartz says he’s done with Katie and refuses to marry her.

Next Week: Lisa’s clued into what’s going on, Tom Schwartz is a battered wife, Jax knows that Tom slept with Vegas Girl, Kristen and Tom go at it again, and by the end of the episode, everyone’s fine again.

See you tomorrow for Bachelor realness!

Random Thoughts From The Desk of Amanda:

Jax getting out of drag is one of the funniest things I’ve seen in a while.

Carter looked like a homophobic coked up hipster hardy boy for most of this episode. I can’t stand him. He’s so thirsty for camera time.

As much as I make fun of Tom Sandoval, I really do love him and he really does seem to be the only logical and loyal person on this entire show.

Kristen pretty much fucked over her redemption run in one episode, god damn.

Someone is going to say there’s a much more cliched touristy thing to do, and to them I say… What is it? ↩︎

Y’all i straight up love public art. I learned about Christo and Jean-Claude in my freshman year of college and have been obsessed with all forms of public displays. I’ve always said I live my life like a Jenny Holzer display. ↩︎

Getting ready montage note - of course Katie, who defines Basic, has those oval flat makeup brushes. She probably got them for free on Instagram. ↩︎

Who is this random black friend the girls collected? ↩︎

I cackled at Jax being like I AM NOT GETTING INVOLVED IN TOM AND KRISTEN’S SHIT AGAIN. ↩︎

#vanderpump rules #i am too fucking tired to write more tags

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