#not tagging all of them but i am thinking about the entire grid just so we're clear | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

cutielando · 3 months

Text

celebrations are in order ~ max verstappen

instagram au

synopsis: You and Max celebrate his third World Championship in style.

my masterlist

♡♡♡♡♡

liked by maxverstappen1, francisca.cgomes and 3,291,483 others

yourusername feels so good being back at the paddock tagged: maxverstappen1

view all 857,313 comments

maxverstappen1 out of all the pictures you took of me...

yourusername i love these

maxverstappen1 of course you do

redbullracing Glad to have you back, Y/N!

francisca.cgomes MY WIFE BACK IN THE PADDOCK ❤️❤️

yourusername i missed you sooooooo much !!! ❤️❤️

lilymhe GIRL LUNCH !!!!!!

user1 THE PEOPLE'S WAG IS BACK IN THE PADDOCK

user2 all is well when Y/N is in the garage😩😩

alex_albon max will finally be in a good mood

maxverstappen1 i can read these, you know

yourusername that's why i'm here. we're all tired of moody max😔

maxverstappen1 I CAN READ THESE

user3 our good luck charm has arrived ❤️❤️

user4 like he needs a good luck charm to dominate the entire grid🥲

landonorris what took you so long?

yourusername some people have a life, you know?

landonorris not when you're involved in f1 they don't

yourusername you're lucky i like you, otherwise you would have received a rant 😠

maxverstappen1 i've received one. trust me mate, you don't want to be on the receiving end

yourbff still sad you didn't take me with you 😔

yourusername you are literally on the other side of the globe⁉️

yourbff i don't see your point

yourusername maxverstappen1 help me out here

maxverstappen1 i'm not getting between you two again

user5 Y/N, do you think Max will win the championship after this race?

yourusername i am keeping my fingers crossed, he has had an incredible season and i think he's going to do everything in his power to end it on a high🫶🏻

user4 so well said

user6 Y/N being there for his Championship title win >>>>

user7 i want a relationship like theirs:(((((

user8 if they ever break up, i'm going to stop believing in love😭

charles_leclerc it's nice to have you back, y/n. haven't seen you in a while

yourusername it feels so good to be back. life has been kicking my ass but I'M BACK BITCHES

carlossainz55 FORZA FERRARI

yourusername wow, too much dude...

charles_leclerc ...

maxverstappen1 ...

carlossainz55 ...sorry...

victoriaverstappen i've missed you so much!!!! so glad to have you back, the boys are excited to see auntie Y/N!!❤️❤️❤️

yourusername i can't wait to see my favorite little munchkins ❤️❤️❤️

maxverstappen1 what about me?

yourusername i’m sorry, babe. you can’t compete with lio and luka for this one

victoriaverstappen you could never compete with them

maxverstappen1 wow, betrayed by my own blood..

liked by yourusername, victoriaverstappen and 5,391,584 others

maxverstappen1 I cannot thank everyone enough. Being on this journey, achieving what we have achieved together this season has been incredible. A massive thank you to the team and for everything they do for us, a shoutout to my family for always supporting me and a special thanks to my Y/N. I couldn't have done any of this without you, I love you.❤️ tagged: redbullracing and yourusername

view all 958,251 comments

yourusername watching you race and do what you love is my favorite thing. i'm proud of you beyond words and i can't wait to see what you do in the future. i love you so much❤️🫶🏻

maxverstappen1 thank you for being you🩵

redbullracing You are one of a kind, Max. Seeing you go down in history books right before our eyes is the biggest privilege. Let's finish the season on a high together and look forward to next year!💙 liked by maxverstappen1 and yourusername

landonorris well done, mate. the y/n effect was obvious

maxverstappen1 thanks mate

yourusername you're just jealous i didn't cheer you on as loudly

landonorris i'm deeply hurt, actually

maxverstappen1 dude, get your own cheerleader and stop trying to steal mine

yourusername boys, don’t worry, you know i support everyone almost equally

landonorris almost?

yourusername i’ll always be a redbull girlie at heart

schecoperez let's go!!! liked by maxverstappen1

user1 he did it for Y/N i'm sobbing😭😭😭

user2 UNSTOPPABLE MAX STRIKES ONCE AGAIN🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻👏👏👏👏🩵

user3 the tribute to Y/N had me in tears >>>>>>>>>>>

user4 they are such a power couple😩😩😩💙

user5 the season was boring, max is taking all the fun out of the sport by winning all the damn time💀

yourusername he deserves every single win that he gets, he's good. if you believe the sport is boring, don't watch it. stop hating on drivers just because they are successful, you have no idea what it's like to be in their shoes

user2 PERIOD👏👏👏

user1 QUEEN ATE AND LEFT NO CRUMBS👸🫶🏻

user3 YOU TELL THEM Y/N

victoriaverstappen we're so proud of you, Max. you're truly one of a kind🩵

maxverstappen1 i love you guys❤️

yourusername you guys are making me cry😭😭

maxverstappen1 baby, you literally just stopped crying a minute ago

yourusername I CAN’T HELP IT OKAY⁉️⁉️

alex_albon max once again making all of us look bad

maxverstappen1 i’m sorry man

yourusername you don’t need his help for that

alex_albon ouch

user9 BABABAHAHQHQHQHQ Y/N WAS SUCH A SAVAGE FOR THIS HAHAHAHA

georgerussell63 party tonight?

maxverstappen1 you know it

yourusername brave yourselves

christianhorner always a pleasure watching you work your magic, Max 👏

maxverstappen1 thank you, christian. your support means very much to me

yourusername awww, you’re like father and son🥹🥹

christianhorner we might as well just adopt him

gerihalliwellhorner 2 kids isn’t enough for you?

christianhorner no

liked by maxverstappen1, landonorris and 3,194,853 others

yourusername words cannot begin to describe the pride i feel when i look at this man. Max, the things you have achieved have completely made me fall in love with you all over again. your dedication, your talent and your craft are a delight to experience and i can't be more grateful to be the one you share life with. i'm looking forward to seeing what the future has in store for you, and know that i'll be with you every single step of the way. i love you, my world champion❤️ tagged: maxverstappen1

view all 763,192 comments

maxverstappen1 forever grateful that you exist in my life❤️i don’t know what i did to deserve you

yourusername you’re gonna make me cry again😭❤️

maxverstappen1 please don’t

yourusername too late

francisca.cgomes i have never seen you cry so much, it made me cry with you 😭😭😭❤️

yourusername i love you ❤️❤️😭😭

pierregasly what..?

maxverstappen1 don’t even ask

yourusername YOU WOULDN’T UNDERSTAND 😭

francisca.cgomes DON’T JUDGE US 😭😭😭😭

yoursister the entire family is sending Max the biggest congratulations !!! we can’t wait to see both of you to celebrate properly ❤️❤️

yourusername ❤️❤️❤️we miss you guys

maxverstappen1 thank you very much !!! looking forward to celebrating with the in-laws ❤️

landonorris when did you become the simp in the relationship?

yourusername don’t you have better things to do?

landonorris not really

maxverstappen1 you should get a hobby

landonorris annoying your girlfriend is my favorite hobby🤭🤭

oscarpiastri do i have to come to the party? 🫣

yourusername yes

maxverstappen1 only if you want to, we’re getting shitfaced either way

oscarpiastri so i can not come? 🥹

yourusername you’re coming, end of story.

user1 Y/N dragging Oscar to Max’s party is the most Y/N thing ever 😂😂

user2 poor Oscar must be regretting his life choices right about now 💀

oscarpiastri i am (please send help)

user1 BABAHQHQH OSCAH😭😭

user3 you can tell how much she loves him 😭❤️❤️

user4 i’m 100% positive Max couldn’t have achieved all of this without Y/N

user5 why? she didn’t do anything to help him at all

user4 it’s not all about performance on the track, a lot of factors go into it. she’s been supporting him for a very long time and that means a lot for someone with a lifestyle like his

user3 exactly, every driver needs someone to help them disconnect from the chaos that follows them all year round during the season

alex_albon you’re such a simp

georgerussell63 simp

charles_leclerc simp

landonorris simp

oacarpiastri simp

maxfewtrell simp

yourusername MAX????

maxverstappen1 …

yourbff your boyfriend is a beast

yourusername i know 🤭 that he is, in more ways than one

maxverstappen1 you know it 😏😋

yourbff HORNY ASSES

lilymhe can’t wait to get drunk and celebrate tonight!!

yourusername you and me both girl 😅

maxverstappen1 me three

liked by yourusername, victoriaverstappen and 3,201,835 others

maxverstappen1 safe to say i remember nothing from last night tagged: yourusername and 9 others

view all 854,281 comments

yourusername it might be for the best

maxverstappen1 was i that bad?

yourusername no... 🤐

landonorris damn right you don't

maxverstappen1 what is that supposed to mean?

landonorris you downed a whole bottle of tequila in less than half an hour. by yourself.

yourusername while taking sips from my drink as well

maxverstappen1 i was thirsty, ok?

oscarpiastri i am never drinking with you again😩

maxverstappen1 what did i do?

yourusername you wanted to undress him in front of the whole club and have him play limbo with you naked

oscarpiastri you didn't have to give the details...

maxverstappen1 i would've loved to see it either way

yourusername MAX!! LEAVE OSCAR ALONE

maxverstappen1 fine...😔

oscarpiastri thank you Y/N😅

georgerussell63 my liver hates you right now

maxverstappen1 don't blame me, it's not like i poured alcohol down your throat

yourusername you did

maxverstappen1 oh..

user1 these comments are just confirming what a party animal Max is and i'm here for it 🤣🤣

user2 y/n sounds so done hahahah😭😭

alex_albon i have no words left

maxverstappen1 i'm sorry for whatever i have done to you

alex_albon we vowed never to speak of it

yourusername this discussion is over

redbullracing sigh... giving us a run for our money, aren't you? 😆

maxverstappen1 i like keeping you guys entertained

redbullracing very kind of you. don't do it again 😐

user3 did y/n not drink?

yourusername i did, but i was relatively sober so i could keep an eye on everyone haha

yourusername i love you <3 even when you're drunk and unhinged

maxverstappen1 i love you too, thank you for taking care of me ❤️

user4 y/n taking care of max >>>>>>>>

user5 i love them. 😭😭😭❤️

charles_leclerc great singing on your part

yourusername i thought we agreed we weren't gonna mention the singing...

maxverstappen1 I SANG????????????

charles_leclerc oh yes, very loudly so

maxverstappen1 yourusername never let me drink again

yourusername i couldn't stop you if i wanted to

maxverstappen1 damn.. wild night, hehe

comments and re-blogs help us grow!

much appreciated!!

JOIN MY TAG LIST HERE

REQUEST HERE

♡♡♡♡♡

Tag list: @outerudeth @f1ln4dr3cl16mv33 @dardouni @saturnssunflower @moony-artemis @blissfulsunsetstuff @samantha-chicago @nikfigueiredo @therealcap @iloveyou3000morgan @daemyratwst @rqlstefanny @bwormie @hangmandruigandmav @kagome45 @enidsinclairaddamsthesecond @tallrock35 @sesamepancakes @boywondrgrayson @evlkking @evie-119 @ijustwanttoreadlols @cixrosie @poppyflower-22 @hiireadstuff @ellouisa17 @paintedbypoetry @hellowgoodbye @lpab @xlinxdax0704 @decafmickey @teti-menchon0604 @ctrlyomomma @sya-skies @likedbygaslyy @booksandflowrs @acidburnsthings @dhanihamidi @mynameisangeloflife @5starl1ght @teamnovalak @ferrarisfailedstrats @basicuniter @jxnellat

1K notes · View notes

loveyougoodbi · 6 months

Text

You thought I was done talking about Logan in the tags? Think again.

This notion that you need to excel at something as soon as you start doing it is very unhealthy and should not be promoted in any way shape or form.

We all have started a new job in our lives. We all have felt lost in doing something we have been working towards. We all have made mistakes in the beginning of our careers. Expecting drivers to be immediately comfortable in an unfamiliar, stressful, competitive environment is unacceptable. Even Max didn't become champion in 2 days. His nickname was Crashstappen for God's sake. And I understand my comparison is insane. The talent is different in both cases but my point is. Max was at one point of his career when he started. If he had the rb19 in 2016 would he have broken all the records then? NO. He evolved and he learned and he worked on himself. I am a firm believer that Logan can do the same If given the opportunity. And I could not be happier that James is giving him that opportunity. It makes me hopeful not only for Logans future but the future of Williams itself. And it makes me support them even more from now on. Big big kudos to James.

And speaking of comparing rookies, everyone loves giving Oscar praise (rightfully so) but Oscar was given a car that performs. Would we still be saying this if the McLaren stayed a tractor for the entire season? And yes, I know, difference in points compared to teammate blah blah. But the facts remain that they both made mistakes, Oscar just made them in a car that can drive. Also Lando also made big mistakes in that car while Alex made essentially no mistakes, another reason why Alex had maybe the best seasons on the grid apart from Max.

Tldr; really happy for Logan, let's continue giving young people chances to prove themselves before jumping on them, and comparisons are stupid without looking at context.

#f1 #logan sargeant #williams

37 notes · View notes

bright-and-burning · 3 months

Note

top 5 drivers based only on their hands

limited myself to current drivers to not go insane. (honorable mention to jenson for the second pic here tho and also these. which now that i'm looking... remind me of oscar's in that second to last one... i will NOT be insane abt this). they r ALL good in so many different ways!!! one must have VARIETY!

oscar. so dextrous but also gentle but also... his nails have me entranced. just like. the kind of hands that look like they could unknot a tangled necklace but also u kno. drive a car at a billion miles an hour. he has Range and that range starts in the gentle and agile end. which is key to me

lando. i know the blorbos keep going up top in these asks but tbf for this . i reblog the most photos of them and therefore they have the most options in the hands tag (full tag if anyone wants to explore the . quabillion posts i have in there. i just discovered it is 25 pages of posts. LOL) boy why are you so paws (key here also . is the contrast between him and oscar) i cant talk about this one bc i think my brain will leak out of my ears

charles. the jewelry ads are reallllly helping him out here bc he also features heavily in the hand tag. also dees. dees boosted charles here w a series of posts while going insane. putting ur hands on ur neck r a guaranteed boost as well

esteban. heyyyy bestie. his hands r just like the rest of him n it is ... whew. i keep getting distracted by the pictures while trying to figure this out so i am going to try really hard to include less. piano player ass hands

this goes to george just on a sheer numbers basis but it very nearly went to zhou!! similar to esteban but slightly less . knobby

honorable mention to the entire rest of the grid, basically.

turns out it didn't matter that i limited myself bc i went insane anyways. LOOOOL

(put top 5 anything in my ask)

#ask #ask meme

6 notes · View notes

echoweaver · 1 year

Text

Get to Know You - Sims Edition

I was tagged by @hazely-sims. It takes me a while to respond, but I love being tagged.

What’s your favorite Sims death?

I’ve had to do some extreme challenge rules to let my sims die of anything other than old age. I have a difficult time letting my sims take risks that might get them killed. Amusingly, I don’t like that that pets have no other ways to die in the vanilla game because even though I don’t let them die, I want it to be meaningful for me to take care of them. 🤷‍♀️

OTOH, I love ghosts. I’ve added death types for cats and dogs with my Pets mods, and I’ve explored ALL the ghost types ad nauseum to pick ones that go well with those death types. A lot of the most obscure ghosts are the best ones. Vampire Thirst has a beating heart that is really impressive. Mummy’s Curse has neat color effects. Freezing to Death puffs out fog breath. They’re great, and they work seamlessly with pets.

Alpha CC or MaxisMatch?

Almost exclusively MaxisMatch. I used to use a mix, but over time the clash of art styles really started bothering me. Going all-alpha is way more work than all-mm, and I actually enjoy my sims’ lightly cartoony appearance.

Do you cheat your sims weight?

No. I want my sims to have a variety of weights, and I prefer body weight to just be genetic. My second gen heir for the Samples, Lancelot, was pretty heavy, and he was Athletic, so I made him a bodybuilder. Then he passed that physique down to his kids because Sims 🙄. After that, most of my sims have ended up slim by chance. My choice of mate is in-game and almost entirely gameplay driven, so there’s no particular reason partners would be slim or fit.

Do you move objects?

Since I’m very gameplay-driven, you’d think I wouldn’t use it much, but @hazely-sims is right. How can you play without it? If you use the default game restrictions, everything in your house ends up looking like it was place on a grid, which it kinda was.

Favorite Mod?

Good grief. I’m going to set aside NRaas, since that suite is rightly most people’s choice. One mod that’s had a big effect on my game is @flotheory‘s Make a Mess. Toddlers got to be incredibly boring, and EA reacted by creating store content that allowed them to skill themselves and be as unintrusive as possible. That was the wrong choice! Toddlers need to be a big PITA. You need to watch them every minute. That’s a real simulation of toddlerhood!

I also have gotten into more detailed survival simulation with my medieval game. @anitmb‘s Hunting Mod has been a big part of making that fun. Also Ingredients Overhaul and custom harvestables and recipes (psst Plantable Wheat)

First Expansion/Game Pack/Stuff Pack?

I played The Sims and TS2, but not very long. I didn’t learn about fan-made challenges until TS3, and that’s when I really fell in love. So that’s the first game I bought expansions for.

Not very creatively, the first one I bought for TS3 was the first one that came out, World Adventures. That seems like a controversial one, but I love it. I guess the Game Pack equivalent for TS3 would be functional store content. I honestly don’t remember what I bought first.

Do you pronounce live mode like aLIVE or LIVing

aLIVE. Sims isn’t the only software to have a live mode, and that’s always how I’ve understood it to be pronounced. I didn’t even know people pronounced it like LIVing, but I can see how that would make sense for Sims.

Who’s your favorite sim that you’ve made?

I technically haven’t MADE a lot of sims because I’m obsessed with naturally born genetics. I download a lot of sims with interesting faces and load them into my game, then let NRaas StoryProgression pair them off and, using its Advanced Genetics, populate my town with interesting genetic combinations.

Have you made a simself?

Yup! Echo Weaver. Some sim friends over the years have put her in their games too.

Which is your favorite EA hair color?

I am SO SICK of all the TS3 hair presets.

Favorite EA hair?

Another difficult answer. There’s a braided updo that came with one of the expansions that I think looks wonderful on all female sims, but I’d have to look it up. That said, I don’t like repeating hairs in a game very often.

Favorite life stage?

Yeah, adult is where you can do the most stuff. I’m not sure it’s my favorite exactly. I like roleplaying each life stage to build a sim’s personality. My Gen 8 Sample sims are kids, so I’m thinking in kid mode at the moment and really enjoying @olomayasims Void Critters mod. Seems like most of the really fun gameplay for non-YA/Adult comes from mods.

Are you a builder or are you in it for the gameplay?

I can’t build my way out of a cardboard box. Definitely gameplay. I think this is the wrong question, though, since there are way more options than those two. My answer would probably still be gameplay, but the gameplay wouldn’t be nearly as fun if I weren’t building a story out of it.

Are you a CC creator?

Trick question! I mod, but I don’t art. So it depends on how broadly you mean cc? 😁

Do you have any Simblr friends or a Sim Squad?

Definitely have friends! Back in the WordPress days, I made a private Facebook community and invited a bunch of my Sims-playing pals. That was probably a “squad.” These days, I’m here, and I’m friend with folks who read and comment on each other’s stuff. I probably wouldn’t still be here without those relationships.

Do you have any sims merch?

I don’t think I’ve even seen TS3 merch. LOL.

Do you have a YouTube for sims?

I cannot stand watching other people play video games on YouTube unless it’s a tutorial. My play style would be horrible to watch because I go on random tangents to tweak lots and down population in the middle of gameplay. Yeah, I’ll skip that and keep to telling stories with screenshots.

How has your “Sims style” changed throughout your years of playing?

I have gotten increasingly wish-driven and more focused on “emergent” sim personality.

Only year 13 or 14 of playing this game, I’ve gotten into challenges that are world aesthetic in addition to gameplay, such as the medieval history challenge (Morbid’s Ultimate Decades Challenge). That involves buckets of cc, a medieval-themed custom world, and a bunch of social rules in addition to just day-to-day gameplay. I want to feel like my games are different experiences.

Since I have trouble making my sims deliberately take risks, and I don’t think I could deliberately kill an active sim, I’ve looked for ways to add hardship into the game. I want to keep my sims relatively poor. I want there to be ways in the challenge for them to die. I want to have real life obstacles for my sims to overcome.

What’s your origin id?

It’s either Echowever or Echoweaver. I misspelled it initially and tried to fix it when EA moved the site to its newer account system. I can’t remember how that turned out. I think it’s Echowever in some places and Echoweaver in others. 🤦‍♀️

Who’s your favorite CC creator?

Gah. I started to answer this 3 times.

I love cc creators! I’m afraid to list any for fear of leaving anyone out who I also love. You’re all amazing!

How long have you had simblr?

I looked this up for a different meme, and I created this account in 2013. I haven’t been on it consistently during that time. I also took a 3-year hiatus from the game entirely and came back during the pandemic.

How do you edit your pictures?

For most of my time storytelling with this game, I haven’t edited my pics at all. In the last year or so, I’ve added ReShade with a pretty unobtrustive preset. mostly just to sharpen things up a bit and improve light quality. I’ve started editing dark shots in Photoshop Elements to increase the light or remove photobombing gui elements.

Not much overall though.

What expansion/ gamepack is your favorite?

Oof with the hard questions. Probably Seasons. The weather and holidays add a lot of depth and character to the gameplay.

Mmmmm. Who to tag? I’m not sure who hasn’t done this yet. @withlovefromayre? @pudding-parade?

#echoweaver #meta-sims #memes #sims 3

20 notes · View notes

g-taire · 11 months

Text

ok i wouldn't normally make a post about mental health in the tags for people to actually see, but if you're considering TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation) because you're at the end of your rope, do it.

(obviously consult with your psych, ****I am not your doctor****)

very long commentary + procedure explanation below.

cw for bad mental health, depression, suicidal ideation, eating disorder mention (no details, as triggering as this cw tag)

for background, I have had extremely severe depression my entire life, hand-in-hand with suicidal ideation, a severe lifelong eating disorder, ocd, adhd, anxiety, the works. depression, anxiety, and ocd runs in my family, and my family life has historically been incredibly toxic if not outright abusive, as well as having been in abusive romantic/sexual relationships.

i have been on a number of different medications (from SSRIs, SNRIs, anti-psychotics, etc.) with very little success. i have been in various higher levels of care for months at a time. i have tried (medically administered) ketamine. nothing has made a dent.

very recently, i had a severe episode where i was basically bed ridden for six months. it got to the point where my two different therapists, psych, and dietician were all separately recommending a higher level of care. if you're anything like me, you can't afford that shit, let alone taking weeks at a time off from work.

all that to say, ya girl has Been Depressed.

tms was basically a last ditch effort before I would have to do residential, and i didn't want to do that again, only in part because of the aforementioned reasons.

it's not magic. i'm going to say that right away. it's absolutely not going to magically make you happy.

i've been going 5x a week for 6 weeks (none on weekends), and it takes about 30 minutes to do two different stimulations — depression (20 minutes) and ocd (10 minutes). this is my specific regimen, yours might be different. after the 6 weeks and weekly evaluations, I'm tapering down to 3x a week, then 2x a week for 2 weeks (total of 37 sessions). my provider would like me to do 44 sessions total (as opposed to standard 37) but i guess health insurance doesn't always cover the additional sessions, so we're waiting to hear back.

when i started, my evaluation levels were in the 60s. now they're in the 30s. they think they can get me to the teens. i'm already feeling so much relief, i don't know how they think I can feel any better, honestly. my provider used the Beck Depression Inventory, which I just looked up — I am still considered to have severe depression with my score in the 30s, but by god, cutting in half from the 60s? genuinely life changing.

basically, they test your brain regions (and you can get a brain scan for an additional cost and more accurate treatment, but I opted not to) by lightly zapping different regions of your brain to see how your toes and then your fingers twitch. i don't know how it works, but it's how they determine what voltage to use and what areas need stimulation. you're wearing a personal cloth cap with a grid on it to guide them, and the machine itself basically looks like one of those old fashioned hair driers.

it's not painful, but it can be uncomfortable. it feels a little bit like a woodpecker tapping on your skull. if it is painful, tell them. i was feeling a sharp pain in one of my teeth, and they adjusted the positioning. my right hand fingers still twitch when I'm getting the depression zaps, but not the ocd. honestly, I have almost fallen asleep, because it's kind of meditative, and i'm on a very high level. if i'm remembering correctly, it's like 2 seconds on, 10 seconds off? or 5 seconds off? it's not constant.

i read during the depression one, and have to "lightly" trigger myself with the ocd (if you've ever done an ERP/ERP therapy, a gentle version of that so your anxiety is at a 5-7, not a 10 but also not a 3) so I can't read during that one. I listen to music, and my provider has offered to put on netflix or hulu.

during the depression one, the only thing you're really encouraged to do is something mentally positive — don't listen to your Sad Girl TM music, or anything like that. listen/read/watch something that you find pleasant and enjoyable and something that generally makes you happy.

they don't start you at your specific max voltage — they start you low and you build up in increments the first week or so. the first few times are the most uncomfortable, and you might get a headache afterwards, but i never did. after a few sessions, you stop really noticing it.

****there is a VERY (<1%) slight chance of seizures, but i believe only in people who are already epileptic, heavy drinkers, or on specific medications. there is no chance of you going home and having a seizure, it would happen while receiving the treatment.*****

i can not tell you how much my mood has improved since starting this treatment a month and a half ago.

I was really dubious, and didn't have high hopes. I have a friend I met when we were both in a higher level of care who is similarly resistant to depression treatments — she did tms before me and didn't experience much relief. however, ketamine seems to be helping her and it didn't help me! so, remember, every single person is different. what works for me, may not work for you. but i do think it's worth trying.

it doesn't happen right away, and they tell you this upfront. I think I really only started feeling noticeably better around week 3 or 4?

honestly, I think a huge part was just being forced out of the house 5x a week (I was working from home exclusively atp, which was getting me in slight trouble at work despite having permission) forced to interact with other humans, if only briefly/professionally. I scheduled mine at 08:30, right when they open, so I had to force myself to get up at a reasonable time to make the train, get there, etc. and so I didn't have to go on my lunch break or after work.

(a slight disclaimer: at this point in my depressive episode I was using weed to numb out. I wasn't using a lot (at least, by the standards of my former friend group?) but I was smoking a bowl each night. this wasn't a problem for my providers, especially because I'm in a state where it's legal, but do make sure to let them know if you use weed or any other substances, as it will impact the voltages or something. i was told it isn't a problem, so long as i'm not coming to the appointments high. I've been trying to cut down to only a few times a week, and i've been really successful without really any problems, which I'm taking as another sign of my improved mental health.)

I didn't really need the reminder, but the practitioner did remind me a few times that tms does not cure your depression, and it doesn't make you happy.

the way she put it, is it kind of brings the "levels" (of.... what I'm not sure, sorry. google.) of your brain to a more neutral state, which then makes it easier for you to experience happiness or enjoyment, cutting through the fog of depression and anhedonia. this has absolutely been my experience.

like, i'm not going to lie to you and say this has cured me. according to my scores, i'm still severely depressed. but i can not stress how much relief I feel.

I've never been able to get out of bed in the morning, not even when I was a kid, and while I'm still snoozing my alarm until the last possible second, once I'm up? I feel awake. I feel fine. I'm smiling at fucking birds and flowers on my way to the train. I'm not crying over every little thing, and even better? I'm not numb, or trying to be numb because I feel overwhelmed. I feel, god, cheerful waiting for the train to take me to my very boring job. i'm actually looking to make friends and date again, and making creative goals again after months and months of nothing.

no, it hasn't really helped my severely unmedicated adhd — however, I don't really feel the overwhelming feeling of dread at approaching a project that I've procrastinated on for work. i'm honestly still just as distractable, but I'm also finding that cheap sources of dopamine (tiktok doomscrolling, scrolling tumblr) aren't as appealing, and I eventually come back to the task I have to do. do I hate the task less? no, but like, it's more of a necessary evil, as opposed to a crushing despair.

i'll also say it hasn't really helped me progress in my ed recovery. without details on that, i'm at a relatively healthy place after some higher level treatment, and working on maintenance, which everyone tends to agree is much harder than the recovery period. i've done this rodeo a few times, and generally agree. however I can only assume that making progress on that will be infinitely easier when I'm not laying in bed for 20 hours a day.

honestly, the funniest part of this is I've started noticing how much my very incompetent roommate pisses me off. before, I was so depressed I either didn't notice or have the capacity to process how irritating they are (they are the definition of weaponized incompetence, but that's for a different post) because I was so in my head and hopeless, and now? now i'm annoyed, and while that's not, like, an ideal emotion to have towards someone you live with, it's vastly preferable to feeling just nothing. i just roll my eyes to myself, take a deep breath, and move on.

something that was stressed upon me was that, in order for tms to work, you have to put in the work to help it along. like, if your brain is getting set to a neutral baseline, you have to work to keep it from slipping back into depressive habits.

semi-regular exercise like going for a walk on your lunch hour, eating reasonably well, sleeping regularly and enough but not too much, not doomscrolling too much, finding a stimulating hobby like idk crochet or painting or book club — anything that you derive actual enjoyment from. all those really annoying things you hear from people who say things like "have you tried yoga?"

those were so far out of reach for me before. like i've said, i've been quite literally bed ridden all of this year, and not much better in the past. those things actually feel somewhat attainable to me now, for the first time in my life.

honestly, if this is even half as well as how non-mentally ill people feel all the time, I'm a bit furious lol i knew I was starting from a lower rung on the ladder, I didn't realize that rung was literally underground and covered in ice and slime and that most people are miles above me wearing grippy boots. i don't know if this analogy works. whatever.

all of this to say: if you're thinking about tms, and aren't sure because it sounds kind of woo-woo or scary, i'd give it a try.

it's not cheap — my insurance covers everything except my copay, which is $50 per session. that is steep and it adds up. when the alternative was somehow finding the time and money to drop $10k+ on a month+ of residential or php again because I wasn't safe, knowing it honestly may not help much, as it hasn't in the past? it was a pretty clear choice. at least where I go, all insurances were accepted and cover the treatments in some capacity, and I believe a lot also have sliding scales. I'm unfortunately not sure about medicaid/care.

in terms of continuing treatment post-tms, i'm obviously going to continue my medication regimen, and meeting weekly with my outpatient mental health team. many people do maintenance sessions every few months, depending on their mood. we'll see what I need to do.

this post is already a mile long, so if you made it this far, um, gold star! i hope this was at least mildly informative. I know I've used tumblr and reddit to see anecdotal experiences for various medications and therapies, so I'm hoping this reaches at least one person who needs it. I may edit this post at a later date if I think of anything. feel free to ask me questions (within reason, and please with trigger warnings) and I will try to answer them to the best of my abilities, but again, I am one person, with one person's unique experiences, and I am not a doctor. :)

#transcranial magnetic stimulation #tms #tms therapy #eating disorder mention #suicide mention #mental health cw #eating disorder cw #treatment resistant depression #personal #depression

10 notes · View notes

grandprix-ao3 · 1 year

Note

12 & 23?

12. the unpopular character that you actually like and why more people should like them

haha. ha. i think you already know... :) my favorite driver on the grid by an embarrassingly long shot is logan sargeant. and i actually do have a track record of being pretty convincing in terms of logan but i do all of it by accident!! between hollywoodsargeant and miamis (coughs and my tiktok) i am making the logan content i wish to see in the world and in the process like. accidentally roping a bunch of other people into the mess. So

but i will attempt a purposeful convincing tactic by just yelling vaguely about what i like about him. uh... he's usamerican (i'm usamerican, red white and blue or something, idk) and he's cute and pretty well-spoken and he's funny!! is that clip from the GQ video of him poorly rapping lose yourself by eminem a valid reason why more people should like him? him liking horrible tiktoks about himself that make fun of how aggressively patriotic he is? (he is self aware!) consider literally any prema video he's in he's just. he's fucking stupid. this is a man who said full confidence he cannot live without the wolf of wall street. his own victory pose (courtesy of benny jacobs!). burger sauce. i love my men stupid and crooked-grinning and wearing big ugly sunglasses and walking with a funny little saunter and he checks all the boxes. what more could i (you? maybe?) want!

idk man the issue here is that i don't even really know why i started liking him so much but now he is my favorite ever no contest and i will go to great lengths to make that known and he's cute HE'S CUTE!!! he has a father-son type relationship with his trainer that makes me want to cry (my son calls him older brother. stop) and a stupid laugh and every time he talks about his friends i smile like an idiot like yeah! kyle kirkwood is your boy! you guys go way back! and you and oscar can't seem to get away from each other, you've known each other forever and every time you go your separate ways they always lead in to the same place. you cracked your ribs fucking around with your brother who you love very much and sometimes you can't shut up about your hometown but it's endearing so i'll let you get away with it and you're racing in your fucking backyard this is your homecoming i'm. yeah okay i'll stop. could theoretically go on forever i am. tremendously compelled by him. in love with him. formula 1 driver logan hunter sargeant. that's my boy!

also he has a really nice ass idk go look at any photo of him in his race suit it's honestly stupid how good he looks in it

23. ship you've unwillingly come around to

every ship i have come around to has been against my will. since we're on a logan train: loscar? from unwilling to driving the whole entire bus i did the math earlier i'm responsible for like 14% of all fics in the loscar tag. Anyways. they're compelling did you see the childhood friends shit i rbed earlier... yeah. Yeah. that's my entire case for them: that

also clemarcus. i even remember when el oversteerey was actively posting six weeks and i wasn't reading it bc i didn't really. know much about either clem or marcus? but i'm subbed to their ao3 so it was in my inbox. then when it got finished i was like Fine and now i read that fic as like a routine. so good. they're also very compelling but less in the childhood friends way and more in the Oh My God Stop Touching Each Other You Gay Freaks way. both are vibes

choose violence ask game

#ask #ask game #sorry. too much loganfucking #the hypfx started talking #but i love him. I LOVE HIM #miami's gonna kill me actually #that's my florida boy out there #MY FLORIDA BOY !!!!#no i am not from florida. or the south #not from anywhere remotely close to florida actually #but i'm with duracell on this one #american driver on the grid has me going to lengths i never thought i would #good lord

14 notes · View notes

albontology · 2 months

Note

would you be willing to explain the geochalex tag on the angel/fae/machine rules post. i am assuming george = machine rules but i don't know about alex or charles and i am interested

oh yeah great question!! thank you for asking, i'll say tl;dr: in my mind, george = fae rules, charles = angel rules, and alex = machine rules. reasoning and extreme yapping under the cut o7

first massive disclaimer is this is rpf-goggles equipped i dont actually know shit and am making half of this up. naturally. so from there.

so what initially drew me to think of that/tag the post as geochalex is because of the inherent disciplinary quality of being a driver: not only do f1 drivers have to abide by a multitude of rules, but they're often one of two representatives of a mass of people and a brand, and further they have to be in control of their bodies at all times. so in this very flowery sense, the figure of the driver is one defined in relation to the rules they have to abide by both in the established system and in the larger expectations of the industry. following that, the way that i matched geochalex to their respective alignments has to do with this framing of relationship of driver to authoritative power, the 'rule-arbiter'

the first and immediate association to me was george with fae rules because of his status as gpda prez and resident rulebook consumer. this has recency bias, ofc, but in particular, think back to all the posts on how george being called to the stewards is just an exercise in his memorization of the fia rulebook. george respects the rules and abides by them, but does not take them for face value, and is more than willing to flex his expertise with them to augment his own position in relation to them. there's also the association here of fia rules-fae rules as a power tied up in the nuances of class and society, though that's more tonally tenuous. the more important aesthetic consideration is those massive and haunting baby blue peepers of his. they must be borne of some sort of otherwordly magicks.

second is charles and angel rules. ofc, here, 'god' is the religiously fervent spirit of ferrari. was there ever any question. coming from a very catholic slant, the components of love, awe, and fear as necessary motivators to follow the rules are key. charles loves ferrari, and, i would say, does fear it in the christian sense of the word. to disobey ferrari, or to vocally express his displeasure with it (or its extensions i.e. engineers), is not necessarily disallowed, but like.. you can feel how those rifts kind of marr this massive tapestry of ferrari lore and how charles is woven into it. how do i express this?? the "irreversible consequences" of the og post has to do with how the entire ecosystem, legacy, and history of ferrari are tied up into how charles represents them, and how 'rule breaking' is not only a transgression but a betrayal.

finally is alex and machine/ai rules. alex, i love you, but this was a bit of a shoehorn to complete the trifecta. still, i think out of all three this one fits alex best, because, in the system of dynamics we've established, alex is the one that doesn't have this single entity to be set in opposition to. in the ai-allegory, alex is a cumulation of information he's gathered from various experience, and the rules he has aren't necessarily prescribed by a single creator, but instead are a self-imposed disciplinary practice that runs embedded into his every behaviour. this to me is very alex!! as the media-designated 'personable funny guy on the grid', alex is constantly receiving input from all directions on how he should behave, and in my view has baked into his being the need to be highly functional, agreeable, yet disciplined in every regard. if he intentionally transgresses upon this model, it fundamentally shifts who he is (largely by reshaping how people perceive him). also, the idea of willingly breaking one's self to surpass their limits, while equally applicable to many other drivers, really resonates with alex's story to me given how much he's been through and sacrificed.

the final meme in the original post, where representatives of fae, angel, and machine come together in a meeting of the minds to discuss what the fuck god's problem is. that's what they're talking about in the driver debriefs. among other things, like the shanghai good boy collar and when in your career is too early to get a full-back tattoo.

#what do i even tag this.#thank you so much for asking tho anon cause i was hoping someone would... a ha ha #jung.txt #ask box

6 notes · View notes

foxgloveinspace · 2 months

Text

@excelsior9173 🫡 Fox’s Fic Rec Extravaganza:

(Sorry for another post/tag, but you can’t posts links very easy in comments and knowing me…. I’d run out of room on the comments lol. I’m also gonna just copy past the descriptions of the fics for you 🖤)

Transformers (Megatron/Optimus Prime):

Victory Conditions by astolat:

“Do you want me to tell you a story?” Megatron said mockingly. “You won’t like it, Prime. It’s not a very nice one.”

[Foxgloves Notes: Megatron and Optimus Prime get trapped in a cave and think they are gonna die. astolat is just an amazing author, so I wanted to include one of their works. I am gonna go reread this actually once I finish this post lol.]

Assassin’s Creed (Altaïr/Malik):

Life studies its own emptiness by Scarecrow

"For the coming year, as penance for what you have taken from him, you will obey Malik Al-Sayf absolutely"

══════════════

A study on the nature of grief, recovery, loss, and longing; a year in the life of Malik Al-Sayf as he adjusts to his injured body, and grasps with a hollow desperation for a reason to live after failing to protect his sibling, as told in slices of the twelve months he spends learning to forgive Altaïr Ibn-La'Ahad, the man he blames for his brother's murder.

[Foxgloves Notes: ok, so this is omegaverse. But I am SO PICKY when it comes to omegaverse, so please. Please trust me on this one. The writing on this fic takes my breath away. It’s some of the best written work I’ve ever read in my entire life. I teared up reading this. Idk, like I know it can turn people off, but it’s the best one out there truly, and I was changed after reading it. (You can read this one blind, I think it tells you all you need to know about the plot of the game that you’d need to know, so. some of the most amazing prose I’ve ever read, some of the most gut wrenching lines, just. Fuck dude, this fic is so so good.]

Assassin’s Creed (Altaïr/Desmond [my favorite assassin’s creed ship🫡]):

I was born for this - esama:

Juno did her best to lead him to her preferred fate, but the end is coming and Desmond has doubts.

[Foxglove Notes: I feel like I have to rec the most kudosed fic in the fandom. I like esama’s style, I don’t know you’ll feel about it, but. I also genuinely love this fic, I’m not just reccing it cause it’s popular, I’m reccing it cause it’s a good read, and I liked the plot. It’s a time travel fix-it fic (my favorite trope).]

Tron (Sam/Tron, of course):

We Are Pilots - shirozora:

Six months and Sam still can't shake off his father's ghost, so Quorra suggests returning to the Grid to find the answers he needs to move on. With her monitoring from the outside, Sam goes in not knowing what he'll find or if he'll succeed. What he discovers is a dying Grid that needs his help to rebuild… and Tron, who needs to become himself again.

[Foxglove Notes: I don’t know what to say here. This is like The Classic SamTron fic. I just. *muwh* I love this fic]

Mea Culpa - 2019-2020 (EnglishLaguage):

Alan and Tron (accidentally) start to communicate. This is long overdue.

[Foxglove Notes: my notes?? 😭😭😭😭]

Genesis - EnglishLanguage:

Clu’s reintegration with Kevin Flynn burns the Grid to ashes. Sam rebuilds.

Prompt: Where did we come from?

[Foxglove Notes: same as the above really, EnglishLanguage is just…. Wow. Breath taking writing.]

Kingdom Hearts (Ventus/Vanitas):

You’re not the boy you used to be. - magicities:

There's no guidebook to tell you how to react when someone who made your life not worth living dies. There are, however, hands to hold yours tight as you stumble through the wreckage.

If only you can convince yourself to take them.

Vanitas: the place he came from, the home he found, and the people who helped him find it.

[Foxglove Notes: this is my favorite book of all time. Like, not even my favorite fic, it is genuinely my favorite Book of all time. It is kingdom hearts so it’s got some jarring moments where your like ‘wait, Minney Mouse??’ And you just have to roll with it cause it’s a COMPLETE au, so there’s nothing in the setting that is about kingdom hearts, it’s just the characters. I think about this work at least once a week, it’s so much more than that description, but I feel like I can’t actually talk about what is in the fic, cause it’s one of those stories where part of the story is things getting revealed. (If you read this tho, please know because it’s a complete au, you might want to treat it as its own novel, and not try to get into KH fic cause I can not in good graces tell someone to read none au KH fic without knowing anything about how absolutely bonkers the game series is. I can not even explain the plot, but that’s the point, the point of the games is that they are meant to be experienced, not explained…… sorry I went on a KH rant, it’s one of my longest hyperfixations lmao.)]

#very much so #friend exie!!#7 of the best written fics I’ve ever read. for you exie🫡#also just in general. like I’d rec these fics to anyone who would listen to me lmao

2 notes · View notes

horizon-forbidden-sheesh · 6 months

Text

Writing Process: Timelines & Trackers

Okayyy, so I've written about the drafting process in detail. But along the way, logistics problems tend to pop up that can't be solved in words alone.

Mostly, it has to do with knowing exactly where someone is or what someone is doing at the same time as another character I'm writing. For instance, when does Alva get back to the Base? How long is she there before Aloy shows up?

I didn't always take detailed notes on this during my first play-through. And after I abandoned my Scrivener file, (more about this here ⚙️) I decided to refine my timeline.

I already had a great foundation based on my first play-through and my New Game+ speed run. So, I started fresh, with a new game file and good old fashioned pen & paper. I'm still working through this as I write. (Just finished the Scorcher side quest!!)

*This is in a Master-size (A4) Leuchtturm notebook, in which I'm working back-to-front. I prefer purple pen and grid paper always.

Yes. I know. I am a psycho. As I mentioned in the Preamble, gaming timelines are a special interest. 💁🏼‍♀️ Plus, I build client-friendly Gantt charts for design projects IN MY SLEEP. So, taking my timeline from paper into Spreadsheet status felt like a v natural next step.

💡I started with a weekly at-a-glance, mostly because I needed to coordinate when various characters arrived back at Base:

Why yes, I am tracking Zo & Aloy's periods. Because there is no single, magical herb you can take to stop pregnancy. Don't get me wrong, I dig this trope! It's important to discuss family planning, and our genre is ✨fantasy✨ after all. But I can only suspend my disbelief so far, and there are other ways to get around this, which a Matriarchal society would probably be clued in on.

💡 This quickly evolved to a daily at-a-glance once Kotallo made it to the Base:

This spreadsheet helped me IMMENSELY as I was writing chapters 13, 14, 16, 17, & 19! Basically any time Aloy & Kotallo are not in the same location. Knowing what Kotallo is doing at the Base while Aloy is off mid-adventure has been super important to make sure their Focus calls work and feel natural.

Likewise, knowing exactly what day Erend returns, and how long they have before Aloy gets back all helps with continuity and flow.

Other Things I'm Tracking:

💡Datapoints. The whole point of the GAIA Gang is that they're sorting through the data Aloy collected during the events of HZD. And since that was an absolute whirlwind year for Aloy, I'm thinking her files are a fucking shit show—and almost none of the people sorting through them even know how to read. 😵

So, I started by accumulating all the files by location. I am assuming they're probably geo-tagged—if not, they're at least assembled in order of pick-up, which would mean they're ordered by Aloy's general location at time-of-discovery anyway.

*I crossed them out as I moved them to the next spreadsheet tab...

From this hot mess, I figure that Zo, in her infinite wisdom, took one look at Aloy's files and went, "Oh hell no."

💡Here's the way I imagine Zo organized her playlists, much to Varl, Erend, & Kotallo's relief (Meanwhile, Alva re-filtered everything, and discovered entirely new metadata categories, obviously):

The most important detail here was time!! Most of these are like 1 minute long... but 1 minute in the game is like, 20 minutes IRL. So you've gotta figure the GAIA Gang is back at Base binge-watching an entire docu-series, while simultaneously learning how to read (and procrastinating with hours and hours of bodycam battle footage).

No wonder they're always busy when Aloy shows up!

💡 And yes, these are all tabs on a single spreadsheet:

💡 "Population" is literally just a mess of numbers & formulas as I try to figure out how we went from ~20 E-9 Cradle inhabitants to multiple tribes in the span of ~700 years.

I mean in 3041 we're prolly sitting at like... maybe ~15k in the U.S.?

*On second thought, that Oseram number is probably higher.

Anywayyyy, as fun as a blank page is, my brain really does work best on a grid. The process is totally intuitive, and I create the necessary docs as I go, the same as I would for any client or project. Sometimes, you need to explain things in a way so everyone is on the same page, and I find spreadsheets invaluable in that regard. (Y'all should see my wedding planning spreadsheet, lol.)

This whole process has helped me to find what works for me, and writing fanfic is truly preparing me to write my own original works. What I've discovered is that spreadsheets are part of my flowstate. They bring me a deep sense of peace and they help me to stay on track and oriented while I'm in the weeds.

🖤 Really, I want to come back to something I said in my second 'Process' post: Do what feels natural. Everyone is different. If being 'organized' steals your joy, don't do it. Stay messy! Whatever! Who cares? The most important part is that you find your flowstate.

I found this old Hindu saying while I was copywriting for a Chinese Medicine client, and it really stuck with me: "There are a hundred paths up the mountain, so it doesn't matter which path you take. The only one wasting time is the one who runs around and around the mountain telling everyone else that their path is wrong."

I'm just here documenting my own path up my mountain. And part of me thinks that it's all incredibly self-indulgent and cringe, but hey—when has blogging ever not been?

If you've read this far, I'm grateful. It's all a bit shouting-into-the-void out here, especially when you're this deep into a niche that moved on a while ago. But I've always loved a slowburn. (And if you do too, you might consider reading The Marshal.)

xo, Sheesh.

#hfw #horizon forbidden west #kotaloy #The Marshal #the making of #writing process #writing tools #writing advice

5 notes · View notes

thehappystarwhale-blog · 1 year

Text

social media use ft. Bo the puppy

Generally in regards to social media I am what could be considered pretty inactive. I minimally scroll facebook and instagram. I’m often scrolling through reddit but rarely posting anything. Looking at my screen time breakdown, it’s really not an excessive amount of time spent on social media. Or maybe it is, and I'm just delusional, you let me know. But really, social media may be a bigger presence in my life if I wasn’t so busy already. School, work, a puppy, and balancing relationships are more than enough “social interactions” in my day.

The other day (Tuesday if anyone cares enough to know) though I was struck with the wave of desire that comes with having a cute pet in the 2020’s to create an instagram for all 60 of your closest followers to scroll past. Reaching to the example set by the elder internet generation known as millennials(just kidding, don’t come for me. I’m like on the oldest possible side of Gen Z so imagine my pain being lumped with 2012 babies ) I selected a cute photo, used a filter and posted it. Now for the followers. I had none, or rather my cute dog had none. So I set about following many many other dog instagrams, businesses, and people we know. We got more followers than I was expecting, and I’ve made a second post at this point as well.

I mostly created this instagram for two different reasons. One, I can post pictures of my dog as much as I want on his instagram versus mine so I don’t oversaturate my personal account with only dog pictures. Two, I want to try my hand at creating the perfect “aesthetic” and cohesive page. There’s a lot that goes into creating that visually flowing yet dynamic page you see from anyone of your more well known personalities. A small bonus is that I’ve already been offered small amounts of free pet products from businesses as long as we post a picture on our page tagging them. I’m not super pressed about maintaining the puppy’s account, but I am going to attempt to keep it going. It really has been kind of fun already.

While making this account I honestly was feeling a little stressed. Overall it has been a positive time but I feel like there are so many little things to be aware of if your goal is aesthetic cohesiveness that it can be difficult. Color pallets, personality and visual identity, grid layout are all factors. It does give a kind of validation boost when a post is liked or a follower is gained. It’s also a bit exciting to try something new. I think you also have to be okay with flops too. It’s a good exercise in acknowledging that you may make poor design choices, and have to entirely redo the whole page the more you learn. Ignorance isn’t always bliss, but sometimes it helps!

0 notes

kelpiesummer · 1 year

Text

Tagged by @photogirl894! Original post here.

1. Are you named after anyone?

Nope! My legal name, nor my preferred name are named after anyone specific.

2. When was the last time you cried?

Uhhhh a few weeks ago i think. I was just really stressed.

3. Do you use sarcasm?

Yep. A lot.

4. What’s the first thing you notice about people?

Their energy, and level of volume. I am an extreme empath with sensory issues and PTSD, so loud personalities can be a bit too much for me right away. I have to keep my distance and slowly adjust to them.

5. What’s your eye color?

Blue with green flecks.

6. Scary movie or happy ending?

Happy ending! I love a good scary movie, but happy endings are always preferred.

7. Any special talents?

I... don’t know. I think my ability to learn something new really fast is a special ability, but im not sure.

8. Where were you born?

Born and raised in my youngest years in Watertown, Wisconsin.

9. What are your hobbies?

Watching videos on Youtube, watching TV and movies (mostly sci-fi and animated), listening to true crime or crime drama, daydreaming about all the shit i wish i could do, playing video games, and drawing. Sometimes writing but that’s pretty rare.

10. Do you have any pets?

I do!!! She is a 17 year old shorthair black cat with bright green eyes named Twizzlers.

11. What sports do you play/have you played?

...none. I was homeschooled my entire life so i didn’t get these opportunities.

12. How tall are you?

5'5″ or 5′6″ im not actually sure.

13. What was your favorite subject in high school?

I loved Science? That was really it. With homeschool i didn’t get the “fun” subjects like art or music or anything despite asking my mom to do them.

14. Dream job?

I have a few different dreams here! - A) No job. I am living comfortably on disability, not having to worry about my ailments or mental health. With the ability to just.. craft whatever I want without needing to worry about the next paycheck. But that’s not going to happen. - B) A good-paying job i enjoy enough to not be exhausted daily. Bonus if I don’t have to work full-time. - C) True dream job! Just.. doing my crafts for work, and being able to live like this. Otherwise I would like to be a game designer. I adore creating worlds and thinking of the logic behind things. - D) Long-term dream. 200+ acres of my own private land, living off-grid (mostly - i want internet dammit), and growing myself a life with me and my partner. My job would just be to provide for myself, and my family there. Nothing more. Not gonna tag anyone to do this. If you wanna do it, go for it! <3

0 notes

junewild · 2 years

Note

HI KEEL 💖💕💖

Remembering you posted abt making sweaters and I was curious if you'd share references/ patterns you've liked working up? (knit or crochet are both wonderful)

I made my first lil knit cardigan recently and compulsively went back to making a lap blanket after (slowly learning i need many active projects to rotate thru) and I love your style so anything you can recommend I would be super down for!

Also!! it's been so lovely to see you posting abt new adventures and I know it was a really rough go at the year and a tough summer and it joys me to see things shifting for you! I love you so much :3 regardless do me a flavor and have a great weekend

hellooo my lovely! thanks for the kind words, they made me very happy! <3

i do not crochet except to fix my knitting mistakes, so these are all knit patterns.

the first sweater i ever made (three years ago, now!) was the portside sweater, pattern found here: https://www.ravelry.com/patterns/library/portside-2

it is fairly simple, requires relatively few needles, & i could do endless rounds of circular stockinette with my eyes closed in the hallways between class. unfortunately it ended up a little too small on me, so i unravelled it (altho i plan on making another one at some point!) & am now turning the yarn into my second sweater, which is the handsome chris knives out sweater, pattern found for free here: https://www.ravelry.com/patterns/library/the-handsome-chris-pullover

not simple, but requires even fewer needles. & once you've done a few rounds of the pattern, it starts to feel natural. i can do it almost entirely by heart at this point. if you don't mind cable knitting, go for it! i'd recommend drawing out the pattern for the size you're doing in some kind of grid print notebook rather than reading it off the pattern blocks list, though (& if you make a size s, i already have it & can send you pictures!!)! i'm really enjoying this sweater, tbh. doing it in a grey / oatmeal / rust red colorblock in wool. (the grey is from the portside sweater.) it taught me to cable without a cabling needling, which has sped up my favorite mitten & hat patterns immensely. also, when people ask me what i'm making, i get to show it to them & it's impressive as hell. plus it's just a cute as fuck sweater.

after i finish this, i'll be moving on immediately to my third sweater, which is https://knithacker.com/2021/10/the-truth-is-out-there-x-files-fans-i-want-to-believe-that-youll-knit-this-sweater/

i am not even an x-files fan. the third episode dropped me into a psychotic episode & i stopped watching & don't think it's safe for me to resume. but if i don't own this sweater as soon as is physically possible. i will die. i don't even know what color i'm going to make it in yet. probably white -> white with black speckles -> black, because it would look good w the pattern, will look good on me, & i have most of the necessary yarn already.

i'd love to hear about your sweater progress! i'll post pics of mine, too, & tag you in them if you'd like.

#checkmate nihilism #askposting #loveposting #personal #dysnomial-insaniam

0 notes

onedivinemisfit · 2 years

Text

2021 Creator Self-Love Extravaganza!

Rules: It’s time to love yourselves! Choose your 5 favorite works (fics, art, edits, etc.) you’ve created this year and link them below to reflect on the amazing things you’ve brought into the world in 2021. If you don’t have five published works, that’s fine! Include ideas/drafts/whatever you like that you’ve worked on/thought about, and talk a little about them instead! Remember, this is all about self-love and positive enthusiasm, so fuck the rules if you need to. Have fun, and tag as many fellow creators as you like so they can share the love! <3

Tagged by @bubblesthemonsterartist

Weirdly enough I am less reflected over this year than I was the one previous. In 2020, I had goals. In 2021, I just DRUMMED ON as long as my inspiration would let me! I indulged, I think, for the most part. 😂 However, looking back, I daresay I am proud. I have experimented more than I realized, and my pieces look rather good for it~

Year total: 184 artworks, 1 gif

1. Obiyuki Almost Kiss This would be one of many artworks I would scream into Joanna’s dms about; one of those THIS HAS TO BE GOOD OKAY-type artwork. The Concubine!AU means a lot to me, and the fic she and Jen wrote even moreso. This artwork was the first time where I applied 3D models during the sketching stage, and a perspective grid for… well, that’s rather self-explanatory yes?

2. “When doth mine husband return to me?” The first in what would be a series of “Annie says she’s gonna sketch, then 30 hours later has to admit she lied”. LOL. One of many redraws this year, I tested new ways of both coloring and shading with this one - not to mention the lineless background that I was mighty proud of, for being entirely made up on the spot. I feel like this artwork marked the spot where I got more into harmonizing colors, while also playing with stronger contrasts.

3. Miss me when the ships sail West Omigosh this one. I made a couple comics this year and this is my fave. Again, lots of focus on vibrant colors - I find my style benefits from sacrificing some realism in favor of impressionistic, striking scenery. Comics are also challenging, bc you know that in order to tell the story well, you have to choose the right panels, and I have never been good at minimalism. This was also my first venture into chromatic aberration! Which has quickly become a favorite!

4. Now and then, forever the same While this artwork isn’t really impressive in its own right - it was a quick sketch, where color setting and atmosphere was the most important, to instantly tell a story. But. BUT. I made a gif! For the first time in ten whole years, I went back to try and animate something. It was a lot of work, ngl, but it really paid off in the end, wow.

5. Wheel of Fortune Ngl, that whole week went by in a flurry. I made seven pieces from scratch in exactly 7x24 days. THAT is a record in its own right. This one was perhaps my favorite of the lot, for it came to me so naturally. And it felt like I applied all the news tricks I’d learned this year into a single piece, and best of all, I got to try one of my favorite palettes!

BONUS: Ladies of the Witcher AU Just because I can, and because I wouldn’t forgive myself if I didn’t! These aren’t even about quality or detailwork, but the fact that I still remain so proud of these designs. Eleven actually badass-looking girls and women, none who can be mistaken for one another, and whose energy is entirely her own.

If I can preserve even half of the subconscious energy I’ve channeled towards art this year, for next year, I will be overjoyed! Here’s to hoping~

Tagging: hmmmm, my darling @jaqdaw-art, @nokaru, @qob-vrisk and @ccprovolomies if any of you feel ever so inclined 😘

#tag meme #2021 wrap-up #myart #akagami no shirayukihime #snow white with the red hair #ans #obiyuki #i am proud and happy and also rather confused #185 works??#where?? how?? did i have the time for all this #i’m not conscious enough half the time to realize ahahaha

50 notes · View notes

tinyboxxtink · 3 years

Text

"...So I Married A Monster" *Chapter 2*

Chapter 1

Chapter 3

Man we just skipped the happy fun times here and went straight into the fire, didn't we? Zero to hundred REAL quick.

What can I say guys, writing is therapy. And I have a lot of demons.

Eventually we'll get some fluff....eventually. Maybe.

Tag List

@madamsnape921

@lolliepopsicle

@chasingeverybreakingwave

@milkshqke

@wanniiieeee

@gibbs274

@sassyada

@aprildecker-blog

@bookishfanfic

@stars-in-the-skies-world

@stars-trash-18

@omgsuperstarg

@objection-argumentative

@thatesqcrush

@shittanyy

@mrsrafaelbarba

@word-scribbless

@storiesofsvu

------------------

Rafael went to his car and began to think. He had to trust you would listen to what you said, if you loved him like he loved you, you would. But the thought that terrified him more than losing you right now was that William Lewis was back, and on the loose. He dialed Liv’s number as he sped back towards New York City.

“Liv,” He said very seriously as soon as she answered. “He’s back. Lewis is back,”

Meanwhile

You started to pull yourself together when you heard a small noise from the corner of the room. You saw Maggie standing there with her mouth open.

“Oh baby--” You stood up and walked over to her.

“Why was he saying that, mom?” She had lost her sassy demeanor, and was now just a scared little girl.

“I…” You put a hand on her shoulder. “I don’t know, baby girl,”

“I bet it’s because he’s jealous,” She scoffed, now resuming her angry flippant self. “He’s jealous dad is a better dude than him. I don’t know why--”

“We are not getting into this again, Margaret,” You used her full name, letting her know you meant business.

“You don’t…” Maggie paused. “You don’t believe him, do you mom?”

“What?” You blinked, trying to decide whether or not to answer honestly. Her big doe eyes looked at you, begging you to confirm that her dad was the man she thought he was.

“...No, of course not sweetie,” You shook your head and pulled her into a huge hug.

But you weren’t entirely sure at all.

-------------------

The Next Day In The SVU Office

Rafael and the squad had been working all night since he had made the call to Olivia. The squad room was now full of a corkboard full of all of William’s aliases, past transgressions, etc. Except now your name along with Maggie and Kylie’s names were added on a side stem, with “Billy Loomis?” written above it.

“So, you’re sure this chick hasn’t been helping William this whole time? Helping him hideout?” Fin asked Barba.

“What?” Rafael gasped. “No, not at all. No way,” He shook his head violently. “She didn’t even know who he was,”

“....Mmmhmm,” Fin gave the others a look.

“Look Fin I didn’t come here to here you insult my girlfriend--”

“Your girlfriend?” Nick asked. “Didn’t you say she kicked you out?”

“I don’t care, when she realizes--”

“And what if she doesn’t?” Olivia chimed in. “What if she does try to help him now?”

“Olivia!” He looked at her in betrayal. “Come on, you don’t think--”

“You said that he already convinced her to kick you out by just a few words on the phone,” Olivia pointed out. “Now that he knows you two are involved he is gonna try like hell to drive that wedge further and further,”

“But he won’t be able to if she finds out who he is,” Rafael rebutted.

“But if she won’t look, she won’t know,” Olivia stood her ground.

“She’ll look,” Rafael reiterated. “I know she will,”

----------------------

Back at your house

It was late at night, the girls were asleep and you were on your phone in your bed with a bottle of wine. You had brought a glass to bed with you, but you were drinking straight out of the bottle.

What Rafael said yesterday was eating at you. But what was eating at you more was the fact that you were starting to believe him over the man you had shared your life with for almost a decade, a man who you had two children with.

You looked at your phone which had your text thread with Rafael pulled up on it. You went through all the texts you had ever sent. The late night conversations, the little texts in the middle of the day just to say he missed you. He was so good to you, he always had been. He would never lie to you...would he?

You closed the text thread and opened up GOOGLE. You looked to the sky and asked God to forgive you for betraying the father of your children like this; but it had to be done. You typed in the name “WILLIAM LEWIS” and hit “SEARCH”.

---------------------------

At Rafael’s Home

Rafael was staring at the text thread between you from his own phone, rubbing the screen with his thumb. He wanted so badly to call you, but he knew he needed to trust you to do this on your own. Plus, he was sure you wouldn’t answer if he called anyway. While he was staring longingly at his phone, it lit up:

UNKNOWN NUMBER CALLING

He had a pit of dread forming in his stomach, but he answered the phone anyway.

“Hello?”

“Hello there, counselor,”

“How did you get this number?”

“My lovely wife gave it to me, obviously,”

“You’re lying,”

“Am I?”

“Yes, she wouldn’t do that,”

“Oh really?” He chuckled darkly. “You really think she cares about you that much?”

“I know she does,”

“Well, you know that’s really unfortunate for you, because you won’t see her or my kids again,”

“Why are you doing this?” Rafael asked. “Why do you even have a family? What are you going to do with them?!”

“What?” He laughed. “Nothing, counselor. I assure you,”

“Bullshit,”

“No actually, it’s not,” William explained. “Y’know after I had my little...adventure, in New York. I went off the grid. Wanted to live a normal life for a little while. And then I met Y/N,”

“Uh huh..” Rafael listened impatiently.

“And then I fell in love with her, and we had two beautiful girls. And I love those girls more than anything in this world, Barba,” He explained.

“You’re a fucking liar,” Rafael spit. “You don’t know how to love,”

“Believe it or not I do,” William smirked. “I just...don’t show it in a normal way,”

“Right,” Rafael rolled his eyes.

“Hey, look,” William defended. “I was in love with Y/N for a while, I really was. And then--”

“Then what?”

“Then, she got a little naggy,” William shrugged. “She got on my nerves, and I got that itch again,”

“That itch?”

“Y’know, that...itch,”

“You wanted to kill her,”

“I did,” William admitted. “But I figured killing mommy wouldn’t be something I could get past the kiddos, so I scratched that itch in other places,”

“She did say you travelled a lot…’for work’,” Rafael recalled a conversation he had about him before with you one time, in passing. If only he knew what he knew now.

“Yeah,” William chuckled to himself.

His ‘work’ was quite extensive. And it was exhausting trying to lead a double life, but he was being honest when he said he loved his girls. He really did. He loved them more than anything or anyone he had before, maybe ever. He’d never let anyone hurt them...or turn them against him.

“Anyhow,” He continued. “Y’know I may not be in love with Y/N anymore, but you know what I hate?”

“What?”

“People touching my things,” Lewis growled.

“She is not a THING, Lewis. She’s not even yours anymore,” Rafael yelled.

“See I know you’ve never been married Barba, so maybe you don’t understand this,” Lewis lowered his voice to an eerily calm manner. “But when you marry someone, in front of God and everyone you love, it creates a bond. An everlasting bond,”

“Oh give me a break--”

“And that bond, cannot be broken. ‘Till death do us part,”

“...Are you threatening her?” Rafael was vibrating with rage.

“No, of course not counselor,” William replied innocently. “However, if you were to help her break those vows….I might be forced to,”

“Excuse me?”

“Until death do us part, Barba,” William repeated. “That means either she stays faithful to me, or I’ll have to kill her,”

“Don’t you DARE touch her Lewis, do you hear me?!” Rafael’s blood was boiling.

“Well I won’t have to, as long as you leave her be,” William replied calmly.

“....You won’t get away with this,” Rafael growled.

“Oh I think I will,” William smirked. “Because if you send anyone after me, she will die,”

“You wouldn’t dare,” Rafael growled. “You just said your kids would--”

“So maybe mommy gets in a car wreck on the way home, or God forbid robbed in a parking lot!” Lewis taunted Rafael with an evil laugh.

“You’re the fucking devil, you know that?”

“Maybe, but I know I’m a man who gets what he wants,” Lewis chuckled. “I’ll let you go Barba, I know you’re a busy man. And remember, I’ll be watching!”

And with that he hung up on Rafael.

------------------

Almost immediately after hanging up with Lewis, Rafael’s phone lit up again.

Y/N CALLING

“Holy shit…” He blinked in disbelief at the phone. How did you know?

“...Y/N?”

“Rafa,” You tried to keep yourself from crying, you couldn’t wake up the girls. “Rafa I...I saw William Lewis,”

“Oh god,” Rafael put a hand over his head. “Baby, I am so, so--”

“No, I’m sorry,” You cut him off. “I should have listened to you, I should have googled him, not kicked you out,”

“You didn’t know…”

“No but you did, and I should have trusted you. That’s what you do when you--” You paused, never having had said it out loud before.

“....When you what?” He waited with bated breath.

“When you love someone,” You bit your lip, hoping it wasn’t too late to say.

“I knew it,” He smiled to himself. “I knew you loved me. I knew he was full of shit,”

“What do you mean he?” Your eyes quirked.

“Shit,” Rafael realized he misspoke. “Um, well--”

“He called you, didn’t he?” You asked.

“...He said you gave him my number,” Rafael confessed.

“I didn’t, I swear to God Rafa I didn’t,” Tears stung your eyes. “I-I don’t know how he--”

“It’s fine, carino,” He assured you. “He has his ways, I know that,”

“Okay…” You said softly, not really sure he believed you. Damn Billy. Damn him to hell.

“Speaking of ‘his ways’--,” Rafael added with an uncomfortable clearing of his throat.

Oh God. What was he going to say?

“He...we…” Rafael tried to get the words out, he really didn’t want to say them out loud.

“He what, Rafael?” You pressed him.

“He said that I can’t see you again,” He closed his eyes as the words fell out of his mouth.

“What?” You nearly dropped the wine bottle all over your sheets.

“I can’t--” He started to repeat himself.

“No,” You cut him off. “No that is not--” There was no way in hell Billy was going to keep you from Rafael, not now.

“He said he would kill you, Y/N,” Rafael said very pensively.

“Well why hasn’t he done it already?!” You raised your voice, quickly looking to the door to make sure the girls hadn’t heard you. They hadn’t.

“He said your kids wouldn’t forgive him, and he really does love them,” He relayed what Lewis had told him.

“Ugh,” You gagged. “I can’t believe that son of a--”

“Y/N I believe him,” Rafael interjected.

“About what?”

“All of it,” He sighed. “I...I think he really does love your daughters,”

“...Really?”

“Yeah, he said that’s why he left. He wanted to scratch his...itch, somewhere else,”

“Oh my god…” You wanted to vomit thinking about all the “business trips” Billy used to take. If you only knew what kind of “business” he was in.

“...And I also think he’ll be good on his word of having you killed,”

“Having me killed?” You snorted. “By who?”

“Guys like him, they know plenty of...dark people,” He rubbed his eyes, he was getting a headache from all of this worrying. “He probably has people watching your house right now,”

“No, there’s no--” You looked out your window and down the street. Nothing looked out of place, but now you were paranoid. “...There’s no way, I would notice. I’m pretty sure,”

“Look we may be worried about nothing,” The idea just occurred to Rafael’s mind.

“Nothing? Really?” You laughed sarcastically.

“Well look, if Lewis thinks that you believed him over me, just...just keep him thinking that,” He hated the idea of you pretending to still...like, Lewis but he needed you safe.

“You want me to just go about my life like I don’t know my ex-husband is a psychopath?!” You hissed, really attempting to keep your voice down. The girls definitely could not hear any of this. Ever.

“Just for now,” Rafael assured you.

“Do you really think he’ll think I chose to believe him over you?” You twirled your hair nervously.

“Well, I mean you didn’t--” He paused. “You’ve never mentioned me before, maybe he’ll just think we were a...a fling or something,”

“I was introducing you to my kids!” You cried. “I think that’s a little more than a fling,”

“Okay fair point,” Rafael shook his head. “But, it would make perfect sense that you would just believe him at his word that I was the bad guy, right? He’s the father of your children, I’m just some guy you were having sex with for a few months,”

“No you aren’t,” You bit back tears hearing him drag your relationship like that. “You know you’re more than that,”

“I mean for the sake of the lie, amor,” He said with a somewhat endearing tone. He liked the fact that you made sure he knew that was a bunch of shit.

“I guess,” You shrugged, still not liking the idea of having to shit on what you and Rafael had. Even if it was just acting. But you had to, for your life. And for your children’s lives.

“Rafael, what if he suspects something? What if he kidnaps the girls?” Your mind was racing with worst case scenarios.

“Y/N I’m telling you, if you just play it cool, he’ll never think anything else about this,” Rafael tried to comfort you through the phone, but he knew it was somewhat fruitless without him being able to touch and hold you.

“....And I’m just supposed to live like this?” You felt tears in your voice. “Just...just never see you again? After I just told you I--”

“Just for now, mi vida,” He tried not to to start crying himself. He had to be the strong one here. “Just until I can-- figure something else out,”

“...I just want you here,” You whimpered.

Your whimpers pierced his heart like a million knives. All he wanted in that moment was to be next to you, holding you while you cried. Protecting you with his life. But he knew in reality, this was how he had to protect you. And your girls.

“I know…” He nodded his head, a few tears dropping down his face. “I just want to be there,”

“...I-I need to go, it’s late. The girls will be getting up for school soon,” You wiped tears from your own face, putting the wine bottle back in your side table.

“Alright, mi amor,” He said softly, not really wanting to hang up. He didn’t know when the next time he’d be able to hear your voice was going to be, and he wanted every second he had left with you.

“Don’t…” He bit back the sobs in his tone. “Don’t call me, or text me. Wait for me to contact you, okay?”

“What?” Your voice went up a register higher. Now you didn’t want to hang up with him, if he was going to ghost you like this. “No, Raf please, we haven’t--”

“I know,” He rubbed his eyes. “I know we’ve never not talked for even a day, I know. And it’s going to kill me, just know that. You’re my best friend, Y/N,”

“Really?” You blinked in surprise. “Even over Olivia?”

“...Don’t tell her,” He cry-laughed. He knew that would be the last time he laughed for a while.

“You’re my best friend too, Rafael,” You were really crying now. “Ever since I met you, you’ve made my life better. And now I’ve gone and fucked it--"

“Hey,” He stopped you with a stern tone. “No. You didn’t do anything wrong here, you understand me? That’s-- that’s not why I’m cutting you off, okay? I’m not punishing you, please know that,”

“...I know,” You replied in a soft voice, almost like a little girl scared of the dark.

“Okay, good,” He breathed in relief. He couldn’t live with himself if you blamed yourself for this mess.

“I promise-- I swear to you, as soon as I think it’s safe I will come straight to you,” He promised. “The very second,”

“Okay,” You nodded in a more controlled, mature tone. You had to be strong now, you didn’t want him to think you were a blubbering idiot without him. You had survived three long years on your own, you could do it again. You hoped.

“I love you, Y/N,” Rafael repeated it for the third time that day. You wished you could record it and play it over and over again, falling asleep to it.

“I love you too Rafael,” You sniffled.

“...Talk soon,” He said softly, then hung up before he could change his mind about the whole thing.

You both cried yourself to sleep that night.

#rafael barba #rafael barba angst #rafael barba x you #rafael barba x reader #rafael barba imagine #rafael barba fanfiction #law and order svu #william lewis #william lewis imagine #william lewis x you #william lewis x reader #william lewis fanfiction #angst

62 notes · View notes

lovehugsandcandy · 3 years

Text

just close enough (Logan x MC, RoD)

A/N: I am sorry, I have been very out of touch. I apologize for not responding to tags and chats. Things haven’t been great and I am surprised that I have anything for rodaw. Please keep tagging me on your stuff!

Pairing: Logan x MC, ROD

Length: ~1700 words

Rating/Warnings: N*FW (sorry, in rereading this, yeah, you probably shouldn’t read this at work)

Summary: Distance can be measured in miles and inches, and none of it is too far for Logan to travel.

He’s almost asleep, sliding into the hazy space between full alertness (how he spends every waking moment) and complete unconsciousness (where any dream he regretfully remembers is from a past best totally forgotten). The couch cushions are rough along his spine, spring digging into a shoulder blade, but he’s slept in worse places. He’s almost blessedly asleep, darkness warm and welcoming and-

“Logan?”

His eyes fly open and he jolts up, instantly awake. The room is in shadows, light of the moon filtering through the LA smog, bathing his surroundings in a sleepy glow. He turns his head; other than the call of his name, the loft is quiet, still. With a lifetime spent attuned for threats, he can sense that the calm in the air signals safety.

“Logan?” she slurs again, voice tinged with sleep.

“Yeah?”

“Come here.”

He blinks, squinting over at the lump under his sheets. “What?”

“You’re too far away. Come here.”

God, he wants that, more than anything. In the daylight, when the corners of the shop gleam sharp and lethal, he knows it is too dangerous to get close. That distance is the one thing that will save her from mistakes he has spent a lifetime making and atoning for. But here, in the stillness of night, when the scratching fabric chafes his back and the siren in his bed calls, he feels his resolve weaken, scattering in shards to the floorboards to join the dust and grime underneath.

He pads over, the rhythm of his footsteps matching the soft sigh of her breath, and cautiously perches on the mattress, giving her a beat to reconsider before he swings his legs over and slides under the covers. She is soft and warm, coconut and sunshine next to his grease and oil, and she rolls over to edge soft on his side.

“Close enough?” he asks into the curls pillowing over his shoulder.

“Mmh… almost.”

He chuckles as he catalogues the space between them, an inch where her waist curves concave from his, a rumpled barrier of fabric where her feet are entangled. They could barely be closer, but somehow, he still agrees with Ellie.

The smile is still on his face as he drifts off into a contented sleep.

~~~~~

He’s not used to being in the passenger seat.

The view is different here, shifted, the rows of parked cars tilted and angled askew, but he sat relaxed, legs splayed and hair catching the wind the entire way. It’s a testament to her driving; she’s brilliant behind the wheel, beaming with every acceleration, leaning into every curve, and he can tell - she finds the call of the road freeing, just like he does. She’s come a long way from the shy bookworm whose path he stepped in front of. It’s barely been a few weeks, but it feels like forever.

He wishes it could go on forever.

He inhales harshly through his nose, recalling the day they met, the hushed conversations that preceded it. She deserves to know the truth and here, parked in this lot waiting on a disconcertingly mysterious job, seems like the perfect place to tell her.

But before he can find the words, she turns, fixing him with a devious smirk.

“Come here.” Her finger beckons and, just past it, a devious smirk glows in the multicolor shades alight from the dash.

“What do you…”

“Come here. You’re too far away.”

He leans forward, and the center console digs into his ribs. It doesn’t matter, not when she tugs on a strand of hair to pull him closer, so close he can map the lines of her smile with an intensity usually saved for fuel intake lines and racetracks. “Better?”

“Nope.”

He inches forward. “How about now?”

“Nope.” Her voice is teasing, soft, a whisper of air against his lips, the tingling of excitement before the fall.

He’s completely in her space, so close he can’t see beyond the dark of her eyes, the apples of her cheeks. There is no world beyond the girl in the driver’s seat. “Now?”

“... almost.” She breathes the response into his mouth as their lips finally meet; he realizes with a start that he will never be closer to anyone, here in this stadium parking lot, with his hands tangled in her hair and poisonous secrets in his heart.

Even when they are close as can be, he still feels the distance.

~~~~~

Logan’s just catching his breath, skating a shaking palm over her side. “Are you ready?” The words make him pause.

“No.” He blinks at her as she rests against the pillow in Vaughn’s spare bedroom, hair spilling down against the pillow; the strands curl around his finger as he absentmindedly runs his fingers in a tense pattern. He could never be ready for this, to see the one person he ever trusted, the one person he ever loved, race for their freedom on a pitch-black highway.

“We don’t really have a choice.”

“I know.”

“Logan, we need to do this.” She props herself up on her elbow, and his heart falls.

“I know. I just… I hate the thought of not being with you, not being able to protect you.”

She blinks down at him, and his fingers reach up to tangle in one graceful coil of hair strands soft on the pads on his fingers. “You know I can drive.”

“Of course, Troublemaker, I’ve seen you drive. I just… I don’t want you to be in danger. I hate that you’re going to be out there where I can’t help you.”

“I’ll be too far away?”

“Yeah.” For as close at they are now, where he can catalogue the distance between them (millimeters between his shoulder and hers, three inches between their lips, and no distance at all where his cock is just stirring, again, into the soft skin of her stomach), he knows that the waiting, the space on the highway --- it will wreck him.

She smiles, faintly, distantly, her eyes echoing his own pain. “I’m here right now.”

“You are.” He spins, hand on her hip pushing until he is over her, legs intertwined, fingertips around her waist, every inch of them aligned and in sync. “And I’m going to make the most of it.”

~~~~~

You’re too far away.

The words are high in the wind and he whips his head around frantically, as memories collide with the storm brewing outside. The first flake is a shock, pelting his forehead in an icy portent and, mere seconds later, the grey clouds above part in a mass of ice and slush.

It never snowed in LA.

Logan cranes his neck up to feel the full brunt of the storm hammer his face, each frosty blast a jolting reminder of how far he traveled from the last few months, the distance between him and his old stomping ground washed away as the frozen water melts over his face, droplets pouring down his brow and drenching his hair.

His face is frozen when he steps back into the shop, some run-down shithole he found in inner-city Detroit. Here, locals don’t ask questions, and there are no reminders of the mentor who was almost like a father and the girl who was almost like forever.

This time, they are miles and days and utter lives apart, and he worries that nothing on the earth will bring them together again.

~~~~~

The years flow like molasses. Fall edges into winter, which thaws into spring and heats into summer, and then it starts all over again, punishing, never ending.

The cities stack up almost as easily. After Detroit, it’s Miami, then Houston, a long stretch in Nashville before Milwaukee calls and then, finally, to the East Coast. He stops for a spell in DC, walking through shaded paths as the cherry blossoms sway above him. The pink defies imagination. He’s used to vehicle-grade candy paint, each car brighter and more audacious than the last, a parade of vibrant neons and sultry veneers that spin rainbows around tracks.

This pink is soft, petals even softer against his fingertips, and Logan feels an irrational stab of guilt for the calluses that dare grace the blossoms swaying in the wind. His dark past makes him unworthy to touch such beauty and, as he watches the petals flutter to the ground, he thinks of another beauty that slipped through his fingers.

He stays for a few months, enough to learn the grid of southeast DC and the bisecting avenues, but then spring tiptoes into summer. He’s used to the sun but the goddamn humidity makes his hair pouf into patterns he knows gentle fingers would soothe, so he heads north.

It’s a quick drive, the four lanes of 95 providing ample room to swerve and fly; he imagines another car with another driver speeding down these roads.

Finally, the wheels lead him to New York, where he trembles on a doorstep under flickering lights in this apartment building, fighting up five floors where every step made him want to vomit.

He breathes through his nose. He didn’t come all this way (trans versing the United States, multiple times, him and the Devore burning miles and gas but subsisting on memories and love) for nothing. His fingers shake and he rings the doorbell.

When it opens, she looks just as she does in his memory, eyes warm and bright, smile breaking out over the apples of her cheeks. His heart leaps.

“Logan?”

“Hi,” he breathes. He had been unsure of his reception but now, with her blinking up serenely at him, the years fade away and he’s brought back to the moment in front of her fathers house, watching the tears pool in her eyes and wishing futility on every star that life could be different.

They move at the same time; she jumps forward, and he pulls her in and their lips meet as if no time had passed, as if they had never been apart, as if distance were meaningless in the troublemaker's face who stole his heart.

“Close enough now?” He beams at her, smile so wide it hurts, cheeks pinching unfamiliarly, and he never wants to leave her side.

Her answering smile shines brighter than any shooting star he’s seen, and he knows he is right where he needs to be. “Finally.”

Tags:

Perma

@leelee10898, @client-327, @brightpinkpeppercorn, @choicesarehard, @burnsoslow, @zaffrenotes, @kat-tia801, @desiree-pow-35-1986, @ritachacha

ROD

@omgjasminesimone, @mskaneko, @alyssalauren

#logan x mc #rodaw #amy writes #playchoices fanfiction #rod choices #n*fw

52 notes · View notes