Your art is so cute :D

I saw something about requests. Maybe Topher and Confucius high-fiving or something? Only if you wanna

Seriously keep drawing I love your art

thank you for the kind words i appreciate it :]

top of the world [interview with raleigh carerra]

I love writing interviews from character’s perspectives, sort of like a study of them. I got to say, you know when words just flow and it’s like the character takes over? Raleigh did this for me. 

Think of this as in the same universe as my Raleigh fanfic ‘Oblivion.’ Master list here:

Oblivion 

Warnings: Discussion about drug abuse. 

I’ve tagged those who liked the teaser of this, hope that’s okay. 

@emichelle @omgjasminesimone @ibldw-main @katedrakeohd @ritachacha @boneandfur @moonlightgem7 @gardeningourmet @pug-bitch @msjpuddleduck

************************************************************************

Watching Raleigh Carrera perform to an arena of 60,000 people is a masterclass in performing art.

For two hours, he owns the stage.

His voice, that husky, deep voice that has made countless fans swoon, fills the arena. He plays his guitar as if it's an extension of himself. He crowd surfs, basking in the love of his loyal fans. He takes the time to talk to the audience, though everytime he pauses, they all scream.

Raleigh Carrera has allowed Tidal Magazine to shadow him for one week on his US tour. The tour will last a month, taking in gigantic arenas and small dive bars alike. I'm interested to see what the singer is like off stage. Is he as wild as he appears on the tabloid covers or is it all an act?

The show ends with fireworks and Raleigh jumping back into the audience for a final crowd surf. From the screens placed around the arena, I can see the look of pure joy on his face as he is carried over his adoring fans. He is in his element.

***********************************

Later, we are sat in the back of his tour bus. His entourage are hanging out at the front, high with adrenaline from Raleigh's performance. They consist of his manager, publicist, stage manager and back up musicians. His publicist seemed keen to stay in the room with us but Raleigh told her to 'relax at the front with a drink.'

He has showered after his energetic concert. Now, he's changed from his signature ripped jeans and holey vests into sweatpants and a navy sweater.

'Hope you don't mind,' he says politely. 'I like to chill out after being on stage.'

He sits cross legged on a slouchy sofa. Yet, despite wanting to be chilled, Raleigh is anything but. His fingers are always moving, as if playing an invisible guitar. Occasionally he will play with his beaded bracelets or tap his hand on his leg making a drum beat.

The energy that infuses his performances still flows through him even when he is in private. He pulls you in.

I thank him for allowing me to write this profile on him. Raleigh grins. 'No problem,' he says. 'Happy to have ya.'

Is he a good interviewee, I wonder? Many music journalists have commented in the past that Raleigh puts them through their paces. He is known for discussing the most risqué topics and is brutally honest. I tell him this.

'I think I'm refreshing,' he says. 'So many musicians I know are really funny about interviews, you know? They always need a publicist present or they give a list of everything they won't talk about. They're scared that their image will be put under the microscope and they'll be judged, so they draw all these red lines around them. What's the point? If you're gonna be in the spotlight, you need to be prepared to deal with all the shit. All the ugly stuff. That's life. You can't pick and choose.'

I'm surprised at how vocal Raleigh is on this subject. He shrugs. 'I'm just saying,' he continues, 'you sign up for this life when you sign the dotted line on that contract. You give up your rights to a private life.'

We are silent for a moment as I consider his words. Raleigh laughs and let's out a groan. 'Was I brutally honest there?' he asks. 'Jesus Christ, sorry. I get all passionate about shit.'

Raleigh's life is certainly not private. Ever since he arrived on the rock scene, Raleigh has been a riot. Tabloids are always plastered with his image and latest antics. Pictures of him falling out of nightclubs, kissing girls and giving the finger to paparazzi are part of his image. To place a stereotype on him, he is the 'Bad Boy' of the LA music scene. Does he agree with that?

Raleigh chuckles. 'I guess? Look, we all conform to a certain image. You see those new singers from those talent shows and when they record their first record, they're told what image they have to have. Like.. Okay, take Britney Spears. She became huge when she was 17 thanks to that Hit Me song, but what made her iconic was the school girl outfit but she was still innocent right? She had that 'you can look but can't touch' vibe. So many artists now do that and it's not real. It's all fucking plastic.'

Does he conform to his bad boy persona? He shoots me a lazy smile. 'What do you think?' he asks.

I think he does.

'Then you're right,' he says. 'Except I was always like this. I always broke the rules. My label picked up on that and told me to keep doing it but ten times harder. So I did. I pushed it to the point where I forgot who I was. I guess I'm still trying to work that out..'

He trails off.

Raleigh has been vocal about his stints in rehab. He was first admitted to The Priory three years ago, citing cocaine addiction as the reason. He stayed in rehab for two months.

'It worked for a while,' he tells me. 'It really did. I was so eager to get clean and stick to it. But this industry.. It's a cess pit. You're clean for one day and turn you go to an awards show and people are snorting that shit in the toilets. You go to these parties and its getting passed around like fucking party favours. You can't get clean in this business. '

I suggest that maybe he stops going to these parties. He leans back and scrutinises me. 'That's quite naive,' he says. 'You need the parties and the people otherwise you'll be dropped. You need to remain on the radar of this industry because if you're not careful, one minute you're on top of the world, the next you're in the gutter. I fought so hard to become noticed and to make music for the world to hear. I live to make music. All the shit that comes with it.. I gotta accept.’

He shoots me an apologetic smile before beginning to speak again.

'Music is everything to me,' he says quietly, playing with the bead bracelets wrapped around his wrist. 'I know I act like an asshole a lot of the time, like I really fucking push it.. But I never forget how much I owe music my life. It keeps me alive. Nothing else compares to it.'

I ask if there is anything - or anyone - else that makes him feel similar emotions. He cracks a smile.

'You want me to say her name, don't you?' he asks wryly. He leans forward, his brown eyes focused on mine.

'I'll talk about anything you want me to,' he says, his voice steady. 'But I'm not going to say her name. Given what she's going through right now, she doesn't need anymore press attention.'

He leans back. 'But yeah,' he finally says after a long silence. 'She does.'

He means Marina Cortez.

She was his mentee on the reality music show One in a Million. Although the show producers wanted her to be paired with Raleigh's fellow judge, Avery Wiltshire, Marina was often photographed spending time with Raleigh.

Rumours of a blossoming relationship swirled around them. As the magazines continued to publish articles on the potential romance, Marina went from strength to strength in the competition.

She won the competition a year ago and released her first record to critical acclaim. The music showed her soul and it was a far cry from the bubblegum pop that dominates the music scene.

All she needed was her guitar - which used to belong to Raleigh himself - and her voice that sounded like summer. Deep, throaty vocals and passion flooded her singing, making her a front runner at awards shows.

She was on top of the world. Soon after winning the show, she and Raleigh performed a duet of their hit song, 'Senorita' at the AMAs - the performance went viral. The following day, Raleigh and Marina confirmed they were in a relationship in the most millennial way possible - an Instagram post.

But that all changed six months ago.

Raleigh and Marina broke up.

She was pictured spending more time at night clubs. She fell out of taxis and photographers took up skirt pictures of her. She was filmed screaming at paparazzi who surrounded her car. The final warning came from a picture taken of her at a party with her credit card in her hand and cocaine on the table in front of her.

Marina checked into rehab but discharged herself two days later. The drama surrounding Marina Cortez continues with new news stories being published every day.

Right now, we are watching a young girl who is free falling and nobody is there to catch her and the one person who seems to care about her is sitting right in front of me and he won't say one word or do one thing about it. 

He cuts our first interview short. 'We'll talk tomorrow,' he says tightly. 'We're at the hotel now anyway.'

We all head into the first hotel of the tour. Raleigh slams the door of his suite in my face.

******************************************************************

Raleigh is at my hotel room door the following morning brandishing a takeaway cup of coffee at me. ‘I’m sorry for being a dick last night,’ he tells me with a weak smile. ‘Can we walk and talk to the tour bus?’

I grab my suitcase and we walk together through the hotel corridor.  We talk about the upcoming concert this evening but when we reach the tour bus, the mood changes and becomes more serious.  He gestures for me to take out my dictaphone so this conversation will be on record. 

‘I’m sorry I got pissed about Marina,’ he says when we sit down at the back. ‘I wasn’t pissed at you. I was pissed at myself. I’m always pissed at myself these days.’

I ask why. 

‘Because it’s my fault Marina has fallen on hard times,’ he explains, surprising me. ‘I’m the one who introduced her to drugs and parties. It’s all my fault. I feel guilty about it every day and we broke up because I wanted to save her. In my own fucked up way, I thought that if we ended things, she would be safe from me and my influence. But I didn’t realise that she was too far gone. Too far down the rabbit hole..’

He looks away and sips his coffee. His hands are shaking. 

‘Anytime someone mentions her, I feel those guilty emotions all over again and I get mad. I take it on the person that’s beside me instead of taking responsibility. I’m the reason why Marina has been in rehab. It’s all my fault.’

I ask if he has been in touch with her since they broke up. He shakes his head. ‘No. Her manager won’t let me, nor will her publicist. I get it. If we’re in the same room together..’

They’ll fight?

He laughs dryly. ‘No, actually. The opposite. The complete opposite.’ 

I ask if they have broken up before. Raleigh nods. ‘Yeah but only for like, a week or so and then I was at her door begging for a second chance. It was all very romantic and angsty. But when we got back together, I was determined to keep on the straight and narrow. I wanted us to be together for the long haul. I loved her.’ 

Had he loved anyone before her? 

‘Do I look like the loving kind?’ he asks me. ‘No. So it was a big deal when I realised that I was head over fucking heels for this girl. She’s honestly the best thing that ever happened to me and I fucked it up.’

I tell him that it wasn’t his responsibility to keep her clean. He shakes his head now. ‘It was,’ he says. ‘I knew this industry. I knew what it was like and instead of warning her, I sat with her and showed her how to take the first hit of coke. I’m a fucking nightmare.’ 

Raleigh is known for his songwriting. His songs bear his soul and open a window into his life. A lot of his music focuses on lost love; is Marina an influence?

He swallows. ‘She was,’ he says. ‘My song Addicted is about her.’ He breaks off to sing softly under his breath: ‘I'm not afraid of dying but I am afraid of losing you…’ 

This is a different side to Raleigh that I was not expecting. The wild, carefree rockstar who is plastered on billboards and has legions of fans screaming his name is completely different in private. He lives his life to the full and isn’t afraid to show his flaws; but right now, I feel like I am talking to a different person. 

‘Marina makes me different,’ he answers when I tell him this. ‘When we were good, we were fucking good. I was more kind. I was a good guy. But when we were at our worst, we brought each other down. So really, it’s a good thing we’re apart. But I see these photos of her and the headlines and fucking hell, I just.. I feel helpless. Fucking helpless.’ 

He sighs and stands up. ‘I’m gonna yell at my manager to get everyone moving,’ he says. ‘Talk after the show tonight?’

When we meet his team, he is jovial, clapping his friends on the back and fist bumping. Cigarettes are lit, insults shared and jokes are made. Raleigh is back to being the Raleigh Carerra that we all know. His vulnerability has been put in a box, locked away. 

*****************************************************

Tonight, he plays the arena with his usual spectacular showmanship. The concert is a sell out and his fans chant his name, sing along to his songs and scream constantly. Raleigh relishes it. He even spontaneously grabs a fan and brings her on stage, singing to her. She cries. 

When we’re back in the tour bus after, Raleigh is giddy with adrenaline and can’t stop talking about the show and how it was the best concert he’s performed. Joints are passed around and Raleigh lights up, inhaling. I watch as he soon becomes more relaxed, his voice softer, his eyes bloodshot. 

We reach the hotel and his entourage slope in, ready for their beds. Raleigh takes a moment to compose himself, placing his hands on his knees and his face down turned to the floor. 

 ‘I miss her,’ he whispers, his voice cracking. 

I don’t ask him to elaborate. I know who he means. 

*********************************************************

The next day, we’re back in the tour bus and Raleigh is writing another song. His writing is haphazard, a messy scrawl that I can’t decipher. His fingers are quick and he writes out lyrics as if he has pulled them out of water. His ideas come fast and he writes for two hours, occasionally stopping to drink more coffee or to ask me what I think of a certain line. 

He works hard. Too many musicians his age are reliant on ghost writers but not Raleigh. He puts in the time and effort, laying down his soul on the page.  When he takes a break, I ask him what made him want to be a singer. 

‘I loved performing as a kid,’ he tells me, smiling. ‘I would always put on shows for my mom. It was just us, you see. Single mom. Dead beat dad who abandoned her when she got pregnant with me. Asshole. But I would  sing for her and she would film me. I hope she’s got rid of the tapes, pretty embarrassing if she ever shows them to potential girlfriends..’

Marina never met his mom?

He doesn’t blanch at the mention of her name; I think he expects me to bring her up now. ‘No,’ he says. ‘My mom doesn’t live in LA.’

I ask where she lives but he won’t tell me. ‘She’s my mom, I’m keeping her private,’ he says, but fairly. ‘I’ll just tell you that she’s a stand up woman. The OG.’

He was in a boyband when he was younger but split off from them to pursue a solo career. I ask him what prompted the decision. 

‘I didn’t want to be forced to dance those awful routines and sing songs that someone else wrote,’ he explains. ‘I wanted to forge my own path and make my own identity. I know it was a dick move but I wasn’t cut out for boyband life. Fuck that.’

Raleigh is one of the best in the business right now. His star burns bright. I tell him he made the right decision. He smiles warmly and bows his head. ‘Thank you,’ he says. ‘That’s really nice. I’m just glad I get to do what I love. I want to keep doing it until I die. I’m gonna be like Keith Richards. Fucking legend.’ 

************************************************

He plays his next three shows even better than the last. Everywhere we go, his voice is chanted around the arenas and my ears are buzzing from the sound of girlish screams. I wonder how he copes with this level of fame.

‘You roll with it,’ he tells me when he’s getting ready for the performance. ‘One day, all of it will be gone. So right now, I’m just trying to live in the moment.’ 

On the last night I have with him, he sings his song Addicted which is about Marina and the audience hold up their flashing orb lights that are part of the merchandise. The arena is filled with gold light from the orbs and I swear it looks like Raleigh is surrounded by a galaxy of stars. They sing along with him, echoing his words about Marina back at him. 

******************************************************

As this article was being prepared for print, media outlets worldwide were shocked to find out that Marina Cortez was admitted to hospital. After further investigation, it came to light that she had overdosed and nearly drowned in her bath tub. Thanks to her publicist, she was found before tragedy struck. 

Raleigh cancels the last leg of his tour as soon as the news breaks. Fans p are divided. Some post abuse about him on his social media, telling him that Marina is a waste of space and not worth it. They call him weak.  Others call him the perfect boyfriend. Some beg for them to get back together. 

I’m watching the news when the bulletin announces that Raleigh has arrived at the hospital where Marina is being looked after. I watch as he exits his car and barges through the throng of paparazzi. He is wearing sunglasses but his face looks drawn and his lips are set in a tight line. 

I spent quality time with Raleigh but nobody can speak for him. But from my experience with him, I think he is going after the one thing he loves that is equal to music in his heart. 

I wish them both all the luck in the world. I hope Marina finds her way back with Raleigh by her side. I’m sure she will rise again, like a phoenix, and she and Raleigh will blaze a trail of fire together,  on top of the world, right where they belong. 

All the numbers xo

I kind of hate you but y’all obviously don’t know me if you think I won’t answer them all I LIKE CHALLENGES. 

1) Put your iTunes on shuffle. Give me the first 6 songs that pop up - Save Me - Gotye / Smooth Criminal - Glee Cast (no comment) / Undone - Phoria / West Coast - Lana Del Rey / Six Feet Under - Louis Aguilar

2) If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? Ellen Degeneres

3) Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17. “Yeah,” he said. The light turned green green. I braced myself. Augustus slammed the gas. 

4) What do you think about most? How much of a failure I am :) and Clexa of course.

5) Ever had a poem or song written about you? Maybe? probably. 

6) Do you have any strange phobias? Spiders, heights, and opression, like being underwater or unable to breathe? 

7) What’s your religion? Gayness.

8) If you are outside, what are you most likely doing? Being with friends, 

9) Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band? Florence and the Machine, The Cure, Ben Howard, Tegan and Sara, The Killers, Coldplay. 

10) What was the last lie you told? I told my best friend’s girlfriend I didn’t know what was in his head when I know exactly what’s in his head. 

11) Do you believe in karma? I sure do. 

12) What does your URL mean? It means that we’re all strangers here but we ought not to be, which is what brought us all together i guess.

13) What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength? weakness, I’d say my low-self esteem, strength, I’d say my kindness. 

14) Who is your celebrity crush? At the moment.. jeez I don’t know! How sad! I’d say Dianna Agron though because I’m always crushing on her. 

15) How do you vent your anger? Talking people’s ears off in general. 

16) Do you have a collection of anything? Playing cards, books, funko pops, tattoos, prints and drawings.

17) Are you happy with the person you’ve become? Not quite yet but I’m getting there, and isn’t being human always striving for improvement? 

18) What’s a sound you hate; sound you love? I hate the crissing of chalk on a chalboard, ya know? And I love the sound of the rain and really really loud thunder. 

19) What’s your biggest “what if”? What if I had made it work, what if I saw her, what if we were still together? What if I was enough.. 

20) Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens? Yes I do believe in people’s soul being stuck between two reincarnations, and aliens? FOR SURE. 

21) Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm. Right : nothing. Left: my heater. 

22) Smell the air. What do you smell? Pastas because it’s almost diner time! 

23) What’s the worst place you have ever been to? Hm.. toughie. I honestly can’t remember right now. 

24) Most attractive singer/s of your opposite gender? Of the opposite gender.. I’d say Chris Martin? But because that’s the only one I can think about right now lmao.

25) To you, what is the meaning of life? Wow, I ain’t got time to lay out my opinion on that, I’ve got too much too say. Long story short, living. Life in itself is insignificant but it’s also the only thing we’ve got so make it count. 

26) Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed? I do not, but I did crash. My sister was driving and it was the worst memory I have. 

27) What was the last movie you saw? Hm Thor I think? With my sister. 

28) What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had? I have a ernia in my neck from the car crash and honestly? It’s the worst. Chronic pain each time I paint or stand for too long. Absolute delight. 

29) Do you have any obsessions right now? Clexa, my life, my future, faberry, writing music, writing clexa, drawing clexa, painting, my career. 

30) Ever had a rumor spread about you? Yes, in middle school there was this whole rumor around school that I was gay… SPOILER ALERT. 

31) Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong? No, I am an easy forgiver but also because I strive for affection and also because I just cannot stand to be in a fight with someone even if I’m right. I have hold a grudge once in my life against my best friend because she was against same sex marriage in my country but fortunately she came around and voted yes. 

32) What is your astrological sign? Scorpio, passion all around. 

33) What’s the last thing you purchased? A bracelet for my sister’s christmas gift. 

34) Love or lust? Both? Please? They go together. 

35) In a relationship? Painfully not. 

36) How many relationships have you had? Hm.. Serious ones 3. 

37) What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you? My firting and my cuteness that I will deny until my dying day. 

38) Where is your best friend? I have severa best friends, and they’re all around the world. Unlucky me. 

39) What were you doing last night at 12 AM? Working on that next clexa thing I’m making and let me tell you guys it’s awesome already. 

40) Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend? Probably because I try to be the best of friends to people even if I’m far from perfect, but I’m always trying to be better. 

41) You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do? I SAVE THE FUCKING DOG WHAT THE FUCKING KIND OF QUESTION IS THAT SCREW THE JOB. 

42) You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid? seriously though I HAVE ANXIETY PEOPLE DON’T DO THAT. but anyway, as an anxiety full person I’ve thought about this before lmao. a) I’d probably wouldn’t tell them until the very last moment because I know they would act different. b) I would make sure every one of the people I love get what they need, that they’re happy so I can go peacefully. Also I’d sneak in a trip to brazil to tell her goodbye, see my best friend before I go. c) Of course I’d be afraid that I wouldn’t have enough time to make sure everyone’s safe and happy, to say goodbye properly. Afraid I haven’t made the most of it. 

43) What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it? hm.. Just Like Heaven - The Cure. 

44) In your opinion, what makes a great relationship? Trust and communication. (good sex too but ya know, thats just a bonus) 

45) How can I win your heart? Show me any kind of attention and affection I guess? Also my weakness are powerful girls who challenge me, provoke me and flirt hardcore, play hard to get. (But not that hard you get me?) 

46) Can insanity bring on more creativity? I think yes but there’s a very difficult balance to find between the two. 

47) What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far? A year ago I would have told you without the shadow of a doubt that it was falling in love with a brazilian girl and crossing the world to be with her but looking back maybe it wasn’t. Then again, I would do it all over again. 

48) What would you want to be written on your tombstone? “Beloved sister, devoted friend, she saved the world a lot.”

49) Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word “heart.” Right now, broken but also hopeful. 

50) Basic question; what’s your favorite color/colors? That kind of cerrulean blue that’s almost green, a little teal but not quite there yet. A soft, gentle cerrulean blue. 

51) What is your current desktop picture? A drawing fll of colors of a forest with wolves. 

52) If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be? Donald Trump :) 

53) What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on? Am I worth it?

54) You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power? Flying. 

55) You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again? When I was up that hill in Brazil. Everything was uncertain but I was spent and on top of the world and for a minute there, I thought I could change it all. 

56) You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be? The break-up. The depression that followed. The void in my chest ever since. That feeling of nothingness, of incomplete. Unfinished. The feeling that we are unfinished. 

57) You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be? MUSIC ONLY? DAMN. Hayley Kiyoko, then. 

58) You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go? New York. 

59) Ever been on a plane? Yes and I love it. Also I’ve been on a plane at night, next to the window, and I saw the milkyway, and that was the most beautiful thing ever. I was seeing the sky underneath me and that’s a feeling I’ll never forget. 

60) Give me your top 5 hottest celebrities. Dianna Agron, Mila Kunis, Gal Gadot, Marie Avgeropoulos, Ruby Rose. 

Just Friends ~ In Sync (part 47)

A/N: This is probably one of my favourite chapters so far and i actually did the drawing part when I was a kid with my neighbour

Harper White is best friends with Luke Hemmings, they always have been. Not only is she friends with the rockstar, but with the rest of 5 Seconds Of Summer, as well as a really nice girl named Erika.

Harper has a few secrets, she can play all the instruments the boys play and many more. It’s a talent she has kept hidden, only very few people know.

What will happen to the six teens, wondering around the world together?

***

Slamming my door closed and collapsing on my bed, not having enough energy to take anything in, just staring up at the ceiling, where there is a faint sign of pen on the ceiling. I thought it’d be a good idea to colour my ceiling so it wouldn’t feel left out.

“Do you ever think the ceiling gets lonely or feels upset because the walls get more attension?” Little Luke asks.

“Yeah, I think so, I would, although I think it might hurt to have pins pushed into you.” Harper points out.

“What if you used blue tack?” I suggest.

“Yes! You’re so smart Lucas!” She exclaims. “Why don’t we colour in the ceiling?”

“Oh my God yes!” I stand up and jump on my bed in excitement.

“Okay, so we need somthing for us to stand up on.” She says.

“Yeah I’ll do that, whilst you pick a colour.” I order.

After a while, I come back with a washing basket and my washing hamper. “I got these, take your pick.” I tell her.

“I want the hamper,” she points to it, “I got loads of pens, I even got one of my glitter pens.”

“Really? You only use those for special things.” I say with a bubbly voice.

“This is special, we’re making art.” She seriously states.

I put the washing basket and the hamper on the bed, before standing on my designated podium.

“Luke, I don’t think I can do this.” Harper quietly whines.

“It’s fine.” I tell her.

“Your’s is smaller than mine!” She cries.

“It’s alright Harp, I’ll hold your hand.” I bribe and hold my hand put.

“Are you sure?” She asks and stares at my hand with an unconvinced look.

“Yeah, I pinky promise.” I hold my pinky up.

“You won’t let go?” She asks.

“No.” I shake my head and we link pinkies. “Ready?” I question.

She nervously nods her head and takes my hand, I help her up and help her stand up steady. “You okay?” I ask.

“Yep.” She nods and I let go of her hand once she is stable.

“What colour first?” I ask.

“Red!” She squeals.

“Okay, you do that and I’m gonna do green.”

We begin to colour the ceiling, switching colours when we’re satisfied with our work. When suddenly the door opens making us both jump and we freeze.

“What are you doing?” My Mum asks, trying to suppress a smile.

“Uh, nothing.” We both say in unison.

“Okay, that tells me you did something.”

“It was Harper’s idea,”

“It was Luke’s idea,”

We say at the time and she shakes her head with a sigh. “Luke! Harper! We’re never gonna be able to cover that up!”

“That’s the idea.” Harper deadpans and my mum shakes her head, before helping Harper get down again.

Harper’s P.O.V.

I’ve brought the box of pictures into my room so I could cry I alone. I’ve done way too much crying for my liking recently. Holding a picture of Luke and I to my chest, as I sob, trying to remeber what it feels like to be happy. That seems like such a life time ago when everything was okay.

I sometimes wish this all never happened and I never dated Luke, then again, I’m glad I did, because he was the first person I loved and your first love is always gonna be special, and I can’t think of anyone else I’d rather share that experience with. That being said, that’s what’s made this all harder than it needs to be; it’s Luke. If I didn’t have such a long and happy past with him, this would be so much more less painful.

But your first is always gonna be hard to let go of.

I still have his hoodie, despite the zipper being broken, and the cigarette burns from when Calum and him were messing around, it makes me feel closer to him although I don’t want to see him; at least that’s what I’m telling myself. I somtimes wear it on an especially bad day, it kinda helps me, it kinda makes it worse. Then I want to laugh and cry at myself because I’m getting sentimental over a piece of clothing that belongs to my ex boyfriend.

I’ve still got a few of his clothes here at my family house, a few shirts, a pair of socks as well as a lone sock, and for some reason a belt. I’ve got some random stuff left behind from when he’d stayed the night or somthing along the lines of that, a nearly empty pot of hair wax, a few of his bracelets, a pair of shoes, his hairbrush, and a ring.

I put his ring on a necklace at one point, but I had to take it off because it just reminded me of him every time I looked down. Which I find myself doing a lot, because of the sympathetic and pity stares.

I want to give this all back just so I can see him again, but I don’t think I’d be able to handle seeing him again, I’d just turn into a fucking bigger mess that I already am in front of him.

I’ve not got a clue how Luke’s dealing with this all, I’ve seen a few fan/paparazzi pictures the few times I’ve even on my phone and he looks fine, got faint bags undr his eyes, but that’s probably because he’s tired, he also could of just plastered on a fake smile, and I know how good he is at that, but I could be wrong. I was in some random shop on my way back from a lecture to pick up some stuff for my lonely dinner, when I strolled past the magazine section, and I saw a picture of Luke and I plastered on the front cover of some teen magazine, with a huge cartoon tear down the middle where hour hands were intertwined. I wanted to buy the whole stack and throw them off a cliff, burn them, tear them into shreds, anything to destroy that shitty magazine that was probably filled with fake articles.

Pulling his hoodie closer to me so I can feel closer to him, his scent is still on it, it’s faint, but I can still smell it, filling me with a sense of safety and sadness. A few tears slide down my cheeks like a sad, vicious snake and onto my sweater paws, which are easily made because the sleeves are too long for me, but that’s what makes it feel better.

“I miss you Luke.” I whimper.

***

“ You’d probably think I was psychotic (If you knew) What I still got in my closet (Sad but true) I slip it on over my shoulders It’s something I’ll never get over It makes me feel a little bit closer to you

I can’t keep your love I can’t keep your kiss Gave you everything and all I got was this

I’m still rocking your hoodie And chewing on the strings It makes me think about you So I wear it when I sleep I kept the broken zipper And cigarette burns Still rocking your hoodie Baby, even though it hurts Still rocking your…

I used to put my hand in your pockets (holding on) The smell of your cologne is still on it (but you’re still gone) I slip it on over my shoulders You’re someone I’ll never get over It makes me feel a little bit closer to you

I can’t keep your love I can’t keep your kiss Gave you everything and all I got was this

I’m still rocking your hoodie And chewing on the strings It makes me think about you So I wear it when I sleep I kept the broken zipper And cigarette burns Still rocking your hoodie Baby, even though it hurts

Still rocking your hoodie And chewing on the strings It makes me think about you So I wear it when I sleep I kept the broken zipper And cigarette burns Still rocking your hoodie Baby, even though it hurts Still rocking your…

If you want it back If you want it back I’m here waiting Come and take it back Come and take it back

If you want it back If you want it back I’m here waiting Come and take it back Come and take it back

I’m still rocking your hoodie And chewing on the strings It makes me think about you So I wear it when I sleep I kept the broken zipper And cigarette burns Still rocking your hoodie Baby, even though it hurts

I’m still rocking your hoodie And chewing on the strings It makes me think about you So I wear it when I sleep I kept the broken zipper And cigarette burns Still rocking your hoodie Baby, even though it hurts

Still rocking your hoodie And chewing on the strings It makes me think about you So I wear it when I sleep I kept the broken zipper And cigarette burns Still rocking your hoodie Baby, even though it hurts Still rocking your (hoodie).”

Finishing the final words attempting to swallow the lump in my throat and hold back my tears, but completely failing and the tears come cascading down my cheeks.

“Fuck you,” I whisper to myself, trying to mean it but I can’t find anything in me to state it as a true emotion.

***

Luke’s P.O.V.

“I drove by all the places we used to hang out getting wasted I thought about our last kiss, how it felt, the way you tasted And even though your friends tell me you’re doing fine

Are you somewhere feeling lonely even though he’s right beside you? When he says those words that hurt you, do you read the ones I wrote you?

Sometimes I start to wonder, was it just a lie? If what we had was real, how could you be fine?

‘Cause I’m not fine at all

I remember the day you told me you were leaving I remember the make-up running down your face And the dreams you left behind you didn’t need them Like every single wish we ever made I wish that I could wake up with amnesia And forget about the stupid little things Like the way it felt to fall asleep next to you And the memories I never can escape

‘Cause I’m not fine at all

The pictures that you sent me they’re still living in my phone I’ll admit I like to see them, I’ll admit I feel alone And all my friends keep asking why I’m not around

It hurts to know you’re happy, yeah, it hurts that you’ve moved on It’s hard to hear your name when I haven’t seen you in so long

It’s like we never happened, was it just a lie? If what we had was real, how could you be fine?

‘Cause I’m not fine at all

I remember the day you told me you were leaving I remember the make-up running down your face And the dreams you left behind you didn’t need them Like every single wish we ever made I wish that I could wake up with amnesia And forget about the stupid little things Like the way it felt to fall asleep next to you And the memories I never can escape

If today I woke up with you right beside me Like all of this was just some twisted dream I’d hold you closer than I ever did before And you’d never slip away And you’d never hear me say

I remember the day you told me you were leaving I remember the make-up running down your face And the dreams you left behind you didn’t need them Like every single wish we ever made I wish that I could wake up with amnesia And forget about the stupid little things Like the way it felt to fall asleep next to you And the memories I never can escape

‘Cause I’m not fine at all No, I’m really not fine at all Tell me this is just a dream ‘Cause I’m really not fine at all.”

Stepping away from the microphone and letting the tears freely fall down my cheek, not bothering to suppress them.

“Fuck you for ever being in my life.” I whisper to myself, not meaning a single word of it, I’m not even gonna try to convince myself to believe that.

Fuck me for putting myself in this train wreck of a situation.

***

Harper’s P.O.V.

Quietly closing the door behind and keeping my head down, hands shoved in my pockets, kicking a small stone, scuffing my shoes in the process.

I don’t exactly have a destination, I’m just going where my heart takes me; which could be anywhere really.

I notice a familiar figure on the other side of the road, nearly mirroring my actions. I can’t quite recognise who it is, but my mind might be so messed up that I’m just imagining that I recognise them, I mean, who would be out at 2am?

Ignoring them and pulling my phone out, deciding to text the group chat, because some of them must be up.

Me: Hello

Tori: hi

Juliet: heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

Me: how is everyone?

Juliet: alright, I guess.

Tori: same, you?

Me: fine

Jake: where have you even been?

Me: places

Tori: are you even alive?

Me: debatable

Not in the mood for their questions, I plug in my earphones and put my playlist on shuffle, and it just so happenes to be a really fucking sad one.

After 10 minutes of randomly walking around, I end up by boulevard view. The person that was on the other side of the road left me a while ago, they went down an alleyway that Luke and I used to go down to get to boulevard view quicker. I got a little worried a couple times, because it’s late and they just so happened to follow me for a while, but that went away as soon as I lost him. They didn’t even look back at me once, so I don’t even know why I got so anxious, at least I didn’t seen them look at me.

Turning right and entering one of my favourite places in the world, it’s just so calming to look down at everything, it all looks so small and for some reason that makes me calm. Especially at night when everything is lit up, the clear skies with planes going over every now and then, and the very faint sound of traffic.

Noticing a silhouette very similar to the person earlier makes me freeze. Suddenly recognising that posture and hair anywhere, causing my breathing to hitch.

Holy shit, how?

My feet take me to his direction and I don’t even stop myself.  

Shuffling over and sitting down next to him in the dusty dirt, leaving a gap between us.

“What are the odds.” We say in unison after 10 minutes of silence.

“Oh my God.” I chuckle quietly.

“So, uh, how have you been?” Luke questions.

“Alright.” I mumble. “How about you?”

“Fine.” He nods his head.

“Good.” I nod my head and lean on the railing with crossed arms.

“How long are you here for?” He asks.

“I’ve got two days left, well one full day.” I answer. “How about you?” I question.

“I’ve got 5 or 6 more days left, I’m so jetlagged I don’t even know anymore.” He bitterly chuckles.

“How’s tour treating you?” I ask.

“Great, it’s been so fun. It can somtimes be hard to experience it, because my mind is somewhere else. I often feel as though I’m not really there, physically I am, but mentally it’s hard to actually focus on it and thoroughly enjoy it.” He explains and I nod. “How’s university going?”

“Fine, kinda hard to focus on schoolwork when all this other stuff is going on, but besides that it’s going well, I guess.” I shrug.

“I saw you’ve been going out a lot, are you being careful?”

“Why would you care?” I ask with a little temper.

“I still care about you, I’m always going to, no matter how mad you are at me.” He says.

“I’m fine.” I huff. “You’ve been out a lot too.”

“I know, and I’ve been out whilst with friends.”

“And you think I’ve been going out alone?” I ask.

“I didn’t say that.” He sighs.

“It’s what you were implying.” I repeat his tone of voice.

He huffs and leans on the railing as well, resting his chin on his arms.

Silence clouds over us and it’s a little awkward but mainly it’s comfortable, and I didn’t know how much I craved this moment until I experienced it.

“Remember the time we did this on Christmas eve when we were 15?” Luke speaks up again.

“Yeah, you almost fell out the window when we were sneaking out.” I chuckle at the memory.

“It’s not my fault I have legs.” He exclaims.

“Then who’s is it?”

“My parents, they made me.”

“Luke!” I hit his shoulder. “Ew, now I’ve got a mental image, something I’ve never wanted to picture.” I cry out.

“Sorry.” He laughs.

“They’re your parents!” I tell him.

“Really? I’d never of known.” He replies.

“Don’t come at me with your sarcasm.” I playfully glare at him.

“You love it.” He smiles and pulls me into him and I rest my head against his shoulder, almost like a reflex.

I think I need this, this closure, I’m not entirely sure what this is closing, but I need this. Maybe it’s reducing the wound on my heart.

I wonder if he needs this as much as I need it.

This isn’t awkward or uncomfortable, it feels normal almost right, even if this hurts right now. I might regret this later, and I might be digging myself into a deeper hole, but I need to feel home again. I’ve felt homeless ever since we broke up, and I don’t care if I get evicted after this moment is open.

“Do you hate me?” Luke questions.

“I don’t hate you, it just hurts too much to be around you right now.”

summer road trip 2018 ; day five

Again, nothing too exciting today. I spiraled into a bit of a depression, though. More on that later. Woke up around 10:30am, got another bowl of Honey Bunches of Oats for breakfast and then passed out on the couch. Woke up around lunchtime, made myself a ham + turkey + cheese sandwich with mustard which was pretty good. Had some potato chips, too. My Pop Pop ran to the store again this morning and he picked up chocolate buttercream cupcakes because my grandmom likes them, even though they’re “off her diet” and “all her [Weight Watchers] points for the day.” Keep this in mind, because it comes back. So after I ate my sandwich and chips, my Pop Pop asks me if I want a packet of cupcakes. They’re the Tastykake ones so they’re the two cupcakes in a little plastic pack. I realize now just saying the word “Tastykake” probably gives a pretty good indication of where I am right now. Whoops. Anyways, I wasn’t sure but I accepted anyways. Deep down, I was really scared it would set off my IBS like the cookies I had for dessert did yesterday. As we were eating, we somehow got on the subject of health and weight which you should know already means trouble. I think it was because my grandmom decided to “be bad” and eat one herself. She’s hellbent on Weight Watchers which is great for her because she lost a lot of weight and got healthier but she’s still going at it to make sure she maintains and so every little goddamn thing has a point value and I swear, it’s as bad as counting calories if not worse. At least with calories, everyone has a specific goal they should reach every day based on their current weight and level of activity. With Weight Watchers, everyone has a certain amount of points that you cannot exceed and it’s applicable to everyone regardless of how much you weigh or how often you exercise. And every food has a goddamn point value so you can only eat too much before you reach the limit and have to eat either “zero foods” which I believe are fruits and veggies or just not eat anything else for the rest of the day. I mean, if it’s what works for you and shit then that’s great but I feel like there’s a massive margin of error especially as someone who is desperately struggling to recover from an eating disorder. Which is where the afternoon went south. We got on the subject of weight and my grandmom told me “Well, you can stand to gain some weight!” which then prompted my Pop Pop to (politely, at least) ask how much I weighed. He shot some guesses out there but they were all too high. When I told them the number, I guess they were shocked. Like how could I possibly weigh so little?!?! Le gasp!!! Seeing as I was already in a particularly vulnerable position, this did not help. My botched haircut on Saturday has had me feeling really self conscious about myself already, and I‘ve always been sensitive about my weight. When my parents and I showed up to the wedding on Saturday evening, the very first thing one of my aunts said to me was “Hey, skinny!” and then went off about how small I was and about how her granddaughter, my second cousin, had gained all this weight and I’m sitting there just thinking this is all so goddamn unnecessary. I tried to brush it off and forget about it, though, and it truly didn’t bother me. By the time I was working on my sandwich, I was even thinking to myself “Damn, it’s so nice being on vacation and not really worrying about my weight or whatever. I haven’t tried to count calories since we got here!” Funny how quickly life decided to throw that out the window. I forced myself to eat both little cupcakes even though I was terrified of what they would do to me, but after I was finished I found myself spiraling hardcore. I pulled out my laptop and sat on the couch meticulously calculating how many calories I’ve consumed in the past five days since our trip began. Then I asked my grandmom if I could hop on her scale, to which she said of course. That just made things even worse. I’ve been consuming a very healthy amount of calories during the entire trip, even if my eating has been slightly off in regards to physical amount (on Friday I barely ate anything after breakfast because my IBS was hardcore flaring and I was scared of making it even worse). Despite that, however, when I stepped on the scale I found that I haven’t made a single smidge of progress in the weight department. If anything, I lost a pound or two which was absolutely heartbreaking. I hopped in the shower shortly afterward once the laundry was done in the washer just so nobody would have to see me cry. But honestly, I hate myself. Like if I’m going to be completely blunt, I absolutely hate myself. Cannot stand myself. I look in the mirror and I’m disgusted with what I see. I need to gain weight, I know this. I’m far too fucking thin and it sickens me. I try so hard, though, and even if I do make progress, I will never weigh enough. I’m convinced of that. My weight will never be good enough. I will never be able to gain enough so that I’m healthy, rather than drastically underweight. And no matter how much progress I might make, all anyone will ever see is skin and bones. I am nothing to anyone but skinny. Nobody sees anything but my weight, or at least that’s the first thing they see and probably the boldest thing they see. It’s like that’s all I am, is skinny. If someone calls me skinny, or even that god-awful “Skinny Minnie,” one more time, I swear I’m going to kill myself. I’m so sick of it. They have no idea the struggles I go through with my weight, the heartbreak and desperation. And I have always felt this way. I have never been happy with my weight. I look back at childhood pictures of myself, when I was gangly and ugly and I had gigantic teeth, and I cannot help but hate myself back then as much as I do now. I’m still gangly and ugly and even though my teeth aren’t necessarily gigantic anymore, they’re crooked and disgusting. There are just absolutely no redeeming qualities about my appearance. I will always look disgusting and emaciated and stupid no matter what I fucking do. I’m kind of glad I accidentally cut my ankle in the shower when I was shaving because, as morbid as this sounds, I’m too chicken to actually cut but I get this little shred of disgusting satisfaction when it happens by accident. And this time was especially brutal because it was a rather nasty scrape that bled more than I expected it to. I felt like I deserved the pain. I didn’t tell anyone about it. I hid in the bedroom blotting it with tissues to try and stop the bleeding, then said “fuck it” and instead of asking for a bandaid (because I knew if my grandmom saw I cut myself, I’d never hear the end of it, even if it was an accident), I just folded up a tissue and hid it inside my socks. Nobody had to know, and nobody found out. So, essentially, it was a success. God, I’m so motherfucking twisted. But anyways, afterward I did my daily Mermay drawing, which is probably the most positive thing about today because I’m really happy with the way it turned out, and started reading a book I packed for the trip that I bought on Amazon months ago but never had a chance to actually sit down and read. It’s called My Heart and Other Black Holes by Jasmine Warga and is about this girl who finds this boy through a forum on this website for depressed people and they sign up for this thing called “Suicide Partners” where they promise to keep each other accountable in their attempts at killing themselves. Very morbid premise. Very appropriate for my mood today. And while all of this was going on, my parents were off drinking with their friends and having a grand old time. My grandmom kept pestering them over the phone about whether they would be home for dinner, because she planned to make a roast but only if they would be here, and she needed to know whether to start defrosting it or not. My parents ended up not being here by dinnertime, so we made pasta instead. Since pasta is perhaps my favorite safe food, I was pretty pleased with this. I devoured my entire plate, sans excess sauce because that’s a no-no. Mainly because stomach issues/I just don’t like excess sauce. I picked out the bits of ground beef but that was about it. Tonight I decided to skip dessert. It wasn’t long afterward that my parents did finally get here (they stayed in a hotel the past two nights to be closer to the friends and family they were going to visit). Like I expected, they were hungry when they got here but they picked up sandwiches and soft pretzels on the way so they had something to eat. Of course, my grandmom mentioned how I scarfed down the entire plate of pasta at dinner to which my mom jokingly replied, “Yeah, we’re going to fatten you up on this trip!” As if I needed to hear any more shit about my motherfucking weight. I confronted her about this later to which she told me I couldn’t let it bother me. Like thanks a heap, mom, I thought you were going to be my support system here. I was seriously hoping she’d be my backbone and shit but I guess not. My expectations of her are too high anyways. The only other good part, I guess, was that they brought back birthday presents for me from friends and family that they saw over the past two days. My one aunt, the one who made the initial weight-centric remark, got me some nice comfy boots. My other aunt got me a bracelet, which is perhaps the first birthday gift she’s ever given me that I’ve actually liked and will probably wear. My mom’s best friend got me a shot glass and a bracelet I will most definitely never wear. The thing about buying me presents is that I’m apparently really a hit or a miss because nobody, not even family, seems to know me well enough to know exactly what I’d like unless it has to do with Tangled. But I guess they figure I’m probably too old for that now. In just a few days, I’ll be 21. And I lowkey want to shoot myself for it. I hate the implication that I’m supposed to get totally hammered for my birthday, now that I can legally drink, but when you have a mother who you‘re convinced has a drinking problem, alcohol just isn’t appealing. Ironically enough, she was perfectly fine the morning after the wedding. It was my dad who was severely hungover. He almost didn’t make it out of the hotel, apparently. As a man who always says he knows his limits, and is always a responsible drinker, this was truly shocking. But then again, everyone was completely hungover the next morning. I just cannot possibly fathom how that is in any way appealing to absolutely anyone. Even living on my own without parental supervision like I do, I never drink. I go out to my boyfriend’s friends’ houses and they always have mixed drinks but I never bother with any of it. I am the ultimate party pooper-- another bullshit quality. I don’t drink, I don’t smoke. I don’t do anything fun. All I do is sit around and be the least productive person on the planet. The only reason I even showered today was because my grandmom expected me to and I didn’t know how to tell her no. And because showers are the perfect place to cry without anyone having any goddamn clue. I don’t know, I guess this trip is just weighing on me more than I expected it to. It almost feels like nothing is going right, between the haircut and then the remarks about the weight. I brought my mermaid fin with me with the hope of using it in my grandparent’s community pool but now I don’t even know if I want to solely for the fact that I don’t know if I have the strength to go down there in a bikini after all this. I’m dreading that cruise in a month, too, because I know the expectations of having that “summer body” and I’m just so disgusted with myself at this point that I don’t even want to think about any of it right now. Maybe I’ll just revert to wearing nothing but baggy black clothes to hide my ugly ass body and transform into the disgusting sore spot that I am on pretty much everyone’s lives. To make matters even worse, my boyfriend wasn’t able to come on this trip with us because he has work every day this week so I’m away from him. This is the longest we’ve been apart since we’ve moved in together and it makes me wonder how we ever managed to be long distance for a year. I’ve been away from him since Thursday and I already feel like death. I don’t know how I‘m ever going to survive the rest of this with everything that’s already happened so far. I had such high hopes for this trip and I will admit, there have been a few positive points like at the wedding reception on Saturday night, I ended up spending almost the entire time hanging out in the hallway with my cousin shooting the shit and fangirling about all the common stuff we love like cosplaying and cartoons. For the most part, though, this trip has been a little less than hell, it seems. I just wish things were different, I guess, and that I could actually enjoy myself rather than feel depressed about my shit haircut, my disgusting weight, and how lonely I am without my boyfriend here. Woo-fucking-hoo for Summer Road Trip 2018, I guess.

Cute Ask - All

1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk?I normally have more milk than cereal

2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day?Yes yes yes. It’s one of my favorite feelings.

3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books?Literally anything. I’ve used everything from bobby pins to blades of grass lmao

4: how do you take your coffee/tea?I take my tea with a little bit of milk and 3 sugar cubes or 2 packets of sugar, and I take my coffee pretty much the same way

5: are you self-conscious of your smile?Not really, I had braces for a while and now my teeth are straight, I just wish they were whiter 😕

6: do you keep plants?Yes

7: do you name your plants?Yes but I always forget their names and I end up renaming them

8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings?I like using watercolors a lot

9: do you like singing/humming to yourself?Yes

10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach?I sleep on my stomach with one leg up, idk I’m weird

11: what’s an inner joke you have with your friends?There are so many, the most recent one I can’t post bc some people follow me on here and if I posted the joke it would cause drama

12: what’s your favorite planet?I think Saturn is pretty cool

13: what’s something that made you smile today?Just thinking about my girlfriend

14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like?Oh Lordy this is my dream. Considering my best friend is my girlfriend, we’d have a big bed with lots of blankets. And we’d have a lot of plants everywhere. There would be like fairy lights or whatever you wanna call them everywhere. We’d have a dog and probably a few cats. It would probably constantly smell like coffee or tea bc we both love that. Idk it would be perfect.

15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is!Okay so google said this: Space officially begins at the universal marker of the Karman Line. This invisible boundary is 100km above the Earth. In theory if you could drive your car upwards, you could be in space in less than hour

16: what’s your favorite pasta dish?All pasta dishes are my fav how am I just supposed to pick one

17: what color do you really want to dye your hair?I really really really wanna have a lavender/ dark grey hair color

18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up.I made a video of myself dancing in a hoodie, but I put my legs through the arm sleeves and it looked really weird and my friends bring it up from time to time

19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it?I do, and I write poems and just journal entries when I need to vent. I don’t really draw, but sometimes I doodle.

20: what’s your favorite eye color?I don’t have a favorite. I honestly find everyone’s eyes so pretty bc they’re all different. When I see pretty eyes they’re pretty eyes, they don’t have to be a certain color to be pretty imo.

21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that’s been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces.I don’t really carry any bags, I’ve never had a specific backpack or purse that I absolutely love.

22: are you a morning person?Only when I have coffee

23: what’s your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations?Sleep and cuddle with my cat

24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets?My girlfriend and my best friend briann

25: what’s the weirdest place you’ve ever broken into?I’ve never broken into any places 🙃

26: what are the shoes you’ve had for forever and wear with every single outfit?My black high top vans. I’ve had them for about 2 years and I wear them pretty much every single day.

27: what’s your favorite bubblegum flavor?I only like minty gum

28: sunrise or sunset?Sunset

29: what’s something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing?My best friend briann writes me notes all the time and I’ve kept every single one of them since the beginning of our friendship

30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared?Yes. I’ve been truly scared quite a few times.

31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks.I like socks. I like weird ones, but I don’t sleep with them on and I definitely don’t confine myself to white socks.

32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends.I don’t stay up past 3 am 😂 I’m literally an old lady in a young persons body.

33: what’s your fave pastry?I love all pastries. I don’t discriminate.

34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it?I had a little dog that I named fluffy, she used to be really fluffy but now she’s matted and it’s not cute. I still have her.

35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often?I love pretty pens but I can never keep track of them. They always get lost.

36: which band’s sound would fit your mood right now?Brand new

37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean?I like keeping it clean, but it’s always messy and it drives me crazy.

38: tell us about your pet peeves!I have so many but one of the biggest ones is hearing people eat. Like the smacking noises drive me CRAZY. I can’t even stand to hear myself eat like I hate it so much.

39: what color do you wear the most?Probably grey or black or something

40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what’s it’s story? does it have any meaning to you?I have a bracelet that I wear all the time that my girlfriend gave me, she has a matching one and it says “adorablé” which is one of our inside jokes.

41: what’s the last book you remember really, really loving?13 reasons why :^)

42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it!There’s this place in my town called sycamore grounds and it’s so cute and cozy. I love it so much.

43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with?I can’t remember.

44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything?I can’t remember 😂

45: do you trust your instincts a lot?Sometimes

46: tell us the worst pun you can think of.How do you make antifreeze? You steal the blanket. Idk.

47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe?Mayonnaise

48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today?I was afraid of June bugs, now I’m afraid of dying and being alone 🙃

49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought?I like collecting records, the last one I bought was deja entendu by brand new

50: what’s an odd thing you collect?It’s not really odd but I like keeping/collecting pressed flowers

51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them?UM IDK THIS IS ALOT OF PRESSURE FUCK

52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far?I love the blinking guy and the Meryl Streep ones

53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them? I’ve seen all of them accept for heathers, I KNOW IM HORRIBLE

54: who’s the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face?My best friend bc her fish died :(

55: what’s the most dramatic thing you’ve ever done to prove a point?Literally everything I do is dramatic so idk

56: what are some things you find endearing in people?The way they talk about the things they love. I know it’s cliche but it’s true

57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics?That song makes me feel like I’m little again bc I used to listen to that song on repeat 24/7. AND YES THATS THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN SING THE SONG TF

58: who’s the wine mom and who’s the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why?I feel like my girlfriend is the wine mom and I’m the vodka aunt bc she’s more reasonable and I’m high key crazy.

59: what’s your favorite myth?I like all the Greek mythology type things

60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves?Yes I love poetry, and I have so many favorites but some of my favorite poets are Rupi kuar, clementine von radics, and Shane koyczan

61: what’s the stupidest gift you’ve ever given? the stupidest one you’ve ever received?I’m not sure omg. I’m gonna skip this one I’m sorry lmao

62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind?I normally drink coffee in the morning, but if I drink juice it’s probably apple juice

63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be?I just leave them be. I don’t like things to look structured and perfect.

64: what color is the sky where you are right now?It’s black bc it’s night time lol

65: is there anyone you haven’t seen in a long time who you’d love to hang out with?Yes, all of my friends from my old school :(

66: what would your ideal flower crown look like?It would have lots and lots of daisies and some lavender

67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel?I actually like those days, I feel kind of relaxed.

68: what’s winter like where you live?It’s almost never cold. It’ll be like 60 in December, this year it was 80 degrees on Christmas fml

69: what are your favorite board games?I don’t know?? I used to love a game called mouse trap

70: have you ever used a ouija board?Nope

71: what’s your favorite kind of tea?I love earl grey.

72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you’ll forget it?Even if I write it down I’ll forget it 🙃

73: what are some of your worst habits?I pick at the skin around my nails 😕

74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns.They have short blackish brownish hair, they’re SUPER tall, they have really pretty green/blue eyes and they’re so funny. They could say one thing and probably get me to pee my pants from laughing so hard. I’ve known them for years and I’d do anything in the world for them.

75: tell us about your pets!I have a cat who is my baby, her name is Olivia and she’s a grey tabby with green eyes. She has THE LOUDEST purr ever and she’s constantly meowing. She’s such a sweetheart and I love her so much oml that cat is my life. And then my mom has a dog named gizmo, he’s a tiny little white dog who doesn’t know how to bark or anything. He’s seriously so weird idk what’s wrong with him lmao.

76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren’t?I should be sleeping but I’m not aye

77: pink or yellow lemonade?Pink

78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub?I H A T E MINIONS

79: what’s one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you?My girlfriend asked me out in a really cute way, I’ll post pictures later bc I’m on mobile and I can’t attach pictures rn 🙃

80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why?They’re like a minty blue color and I chose it bc I thought it was pretty

81: describe one of your friend’s eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of.His eyes are like two brown circles with black dots in the middle

82: are/were you good in school?I’m good behavior wise but my grades suck

83: what’s some of your favorite album art?This is gonna be SUCH a big surprise, but I like the Devil and God are Raging Inside Me album art

84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones?I’m planning on getting tons of tattoos. Wayyyyyy too many to describe lmao

85: do you read comics? what are your faves?I used to rad the star trek comics, bc I’m a huge Star Trek nerd lmao. I still have a bunch of copies.

86: do you like concept albums? which ones?I do but I can’t think of any off the top of my head lol 87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives?The perks of being a wallflower for sure. And I don’t know of any others, I don’t watch a lot of movies.

88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy?I’m not a big art person, so I don’t know all the names and all of that. I like street art though I guess? Is that like an official thing? Idk.

89: are you close to your parents?I think so.

90: talk about your one of you favorite cities.I love Austin, it’s such a cool place. And if you ever get the chance you should definitely go. There’s great food, and you can always find some kind of concert or something in the area. There’s cool little shops and places to hang out. It’s a cool place.

91: where do you plan on traveling this year?I would love to go to Seattle, but idk if that’ll happen lol

92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch?I drown my pasta in cheese oops

93: what’s the hairstyle you wear the most?I wear my hair up in a bun a lot. 80% of the time you’ll see me with my hair up in a bun.

94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday?My grandma just had her birthday about a week ago :)

95: what are your plans for this weekend? I’ll have Saturday detention. Yay 🙃

96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot?I procrastinate them like crazy lmao

97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house?I haven’t taken the myer Briggs test yet, I’m a Gemini, and slytherin

98: when’s the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it?About 3 or 4 years ago, I loved it

99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them.https://open.spotify.com/user/alexandra.taegen/playlist/5eHOy0ylB74vZLsovgZSUxThis entire playlist ^

100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why?5 years into the future, bc then hopefully I’d be living in Seattle with my girlfriend and we’d be happy.

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1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk?More milk2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day?No, it's hell3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books?Tissues, wrappers, receipts 4: how do you take your coffee/tea?Idk5: are you self-conscious of your smile?Yes, very6: do you keep plants?Yes!!! I had a fairy garden but one of the pots broke 😪7: do you name your plants?Yeah, I named the tree in our backyard Venosaur8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings?Oh, painting on canvas, or drawing with a pencil9: do you like singing/humming to yourself?Yes!! V v good stim!10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach?Side11: what's an inner joke you have with your friends?Fuckin...Furries12: what's your favorite planet?Earth, I love the animals and plants. She's so cute13: what's something that made you smile today?My friend said my story was good14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like?Probably kind of bright but also with some posters and nice decor and nice beds and a little window we can sit on.15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is!Space lightning is a thing16: what's your favorite pasta dish?Alfredo17: what color do you really want to dye your hair?Magenta, or turquoise 18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up.Oh I fell on my ass in the hallway and threw my MacBook. Only two people saw it19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it?Well not a conventional one but I've had journals before.20: what's your favorite eye color?Blue21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that's been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces.It's this golden and red bag and it's soft22: are you a morning person?Hahahahaha funny. Next question23: what's your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations?Make art or browse tumblr24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets?Yes25: what's the weirdest place you've ever broken into? I haven't broken in anywhere26: what are the shoes you've had for forever and wear with every single outfit?I don't have any shoes like that27: what's your favorite bubblegum flavor?Blue raspberry28: sunrise or sunset?Sunrise (ironic)29: what's something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing?Giggles30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared?Fucking yes31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks.I guess, sometimes, no32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends.I fucking tripped over my friend at a sleepover after she said "person here!"33: what's your fave pastry?Any really34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it?MOG, he was a green stuffed monkey thing with no hands or toes so I called him mog the monkey frog, I think I do still have him35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often?Idk36: which band's sound would fit your mood right now?Imagine dragons37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean?Clean but it usually ends up messy38: tell us about your pet peeves!LOUD NOISES AND PEOPLE MAKING FUN OF ME ASKING THEM TO STOP39: what color do you wear the most? black40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what's it's story? does it have any meaning to you?Um...my bracelet I got from my friend for Christmas 41: what's the last book you remember really, really loving?Artemis Fowl42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it!Starbucks, and the wonderful smells and hot chocolate43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with?My friend Tori44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything?Never45: do you trust your instincts a lot? Sorta46: tell us the worst pun you can think of.A man went to court for wearing only underwear. It was a brief case.47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe?48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today? Losing friends, yes49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought? No50: what's an odd thing you collect? Idk?51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them? Tori-blu 52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far? Pure memes53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them?No54: who's the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face? Tori55: what's the most dramatic thing you've ever done to prove a point?Idk56: what are some things you find endearing in people?Laughs 57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics?It made me feel crazy and yes58: who's the wine mom and who's the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why?CHARLIE IS WINE MOM, TORI YOU KNOW YOURE VODKA AUNT FOR A REASON59: what's your favorite myth? Idk60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves? Not really 61: what's the stupidest gift you've ever given? the stupidest one you've ever received?Leaves, leaves62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind?Orange, apple63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be?Kinda leave them be64: what color is the sky where you are right now?Light blue 65: is there anyone you haven't seen in a long time who you'd love to hang out with? OOhh um, Cheyanne and Kennadie66: what would your ideal flower crown look like?White and pink alternating with Blue and yellow over it67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel?Oh they make me feel...amazing. I like the different feel! And like the soft glow. And the new feelings of being on a dark bus during rain.68: what's winter like where you live? Well it used to be frozen hell...but now it's not 😥69: what are your favorite board games? Monopoly70: have you ever used a ouija board?No and I plan to never71: what's your favorite kind of tea?Peach72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you'll forget it? Not really, it's more procrastination that destroys me73: what are some of your worst habits?Procrastination, forgetting to eat, disregarding self care, self hate, 74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns.They are the sweetest most amazing halminerd that loves my stories 75: tell us about your pets! Kiwi is my two year old boxer. We call her Moose, Meat brick, lazy doggo, and basically everything else lol76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren't?Probably a project 77: pink or yellow lemonade?Eh I like both78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub?Hate79: what's one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you?Made art for me. Omg I die 80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why?Grey81: describe one of your friend's eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of.Like swimming in the clearest and most murky waters, and feeling relaxed at free82: are/were you good in school? Sorta83: what's some of your favorite album art?I actually don't know84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones?No85: do you read comics? what are your faves?Well like..,Rock and Riot86: do you like concept albums? which ones?No87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives? Zootopia, hocus pocus, 88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy? Idk89: are you close to your parents? Yeah, sorta90: talk about your one of you favorite cities. The sky lines reach amazingly high, the city gets washed in the glow of the riding a setting sun. (It never said I couldn't be vague)91: where do you plan on traveling this year? Europe!92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch? Drowns it93: what's the hairstyle you wear the most? Up in a pony94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday? My sister's 95: what are your plans for this weekend? Going to the mall with a few friends 96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot? Procrastinate 97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house? Uhhhh aquarius and ravenclaw 98: when's the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it? Yes! 99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them. Arrietty's song, Sail, rocks, fireflies100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why? Past, so I can do over and cause myself not to become an anxious fucky fuck that messes every thing upPhew!