i forgot to mention my hold for the third tog book came in yesterday and the only thing keeping me sane rn is the cool witch plotline i want to kill the love interest

hey! I've seen a bunch of posts on how HPSC is slightly corrupted and all, could you explain if you understand this? They're (die hard villain fans) usually using this as a justification to slam the heroes for raiding the army. I'm quite confused sorry

I’d be more than happy to, friend! I have a strong feeling it’s going to be a key detail in the story moving forward so it’s good to go back in reviewing everything we know now; plus, it gives me the perfect chance to offer up my theory that ropes in Aizawa, Midnight, and Present Mic. Buckle up, though, because this gets a little long.

The HPSC tells heroes what to do.

The Hero Public Safety Commission is a pocket of the Japanese national government in this universe, sort of like how the FDA is in America.

It’s important to note that HPSC is a separate entity from the heroes. They’re the ones giving out licenses, disciplining rouge heroes, overseeing hero training, acting as liaison between heroes and law enforcement, organizing cooperative efforts with multiple heroes across different regions, and managing the general image of heroes with events like the Hero Rankings Billboard.

Heroes have to obey directives given by the HPSC and hero schools have to align with guidelines set by the HPSC, but heroes don’t usually get a say in these decisions and often only get to complain about how things are done and are stuck doing it anyway. If someone is caught heroing without a license or not in hero uniform, you can be fined and/or jailed. If a hero doesn’t keep up with paperwork or runs off and does their own thing they can also be fined and have their license suspended. If a hero goes AWOL or completely flips out they can have their license permanently taken away and be jailed.

It’s actually even more important to note that way heroes are allowed to operate and answer to the government is actually closer in line to a militia than a police force. In fact, while heroes are allowed to make arrests and use their quirks, they are more restricted in what they can and can’t do on their own than the police. If a hero wants to work with other heroes on an investigation, they have to use the private network (administrated by the HPSC) or communicate in person. In the case with the Shie Hassaikai or looking for Kurogiri and the LoV where police cooperation was necessary to carry out the investigation and bring in the gang right away there was no choice but to be transparent with the HPSC.

However, the HPSC doesn’t have to be transparent with the heroes.

They require heroes to give up all their information to keep working as heroes, but they don’t have any accountability for themselves and have notably dodged scrutiny up to this point with public backlash almost always falling on the heroes who have little to no say in how they run things.

Starting back at the beginning of the series with the USJ incident, it understandably garnered massive media attention - it should have. Dozens of unknown, random two-bit villains poured into the most secure, prestigious hero school in all of Japan undetected and resulted in the serious injury of two teachers and could have included the students as well if All Might had not been there to fight and subdue the inhuman monster - the Nomu - who had up to that point had never been seen before.

It’s not unreasonable that UA initially got the blowback from this as it could have been chalked up to complacency causing a lapse in security that the HPSC absolutely wouldn’t have been accountable for. It’s treated like a one-off event and despite investigations going nowhere on it, it’s ultimately downplayed and checked out in the background while continuing with the Sports Festival in high spirits. However, things get worse.

After passing their semester exams the Hero Course first-years head off to do practical training in the mountains with a hero team named the Wild Wild Pussycats. Remember, because this is a hero training initiative between a school and a hero team, the HPSC is likely involved at least on some administrative level in regards to granting permission and securing the patch of mountainside to use even if this detail is not acknowledged in the series. Despite efforts to only include the staff, teachers, and heroes involved word somehow still gets out - resulting in more student, hero, and teacher injuries, and most importantly the kidnapping of one of the students.

This can no longer be swept under the rug. A lot happens in the secret hideout raid revealing lots of stuff with the plot, including All-for-One’s direct involvement, but it doesn’t add anything more to our notes besides the fact UA is once again blamed and heroes are thrown under the bus instead of the organization overseeing them.

Fast forward to the Provisional License Arc. This is the first time we see the HPSC acting explicitly. It’s noted that they passed significantly more students this year than previously. Yokumiru Mera, the tired proctor, is overworked. The HPSC has a reason to urgently pump more students into the “working force” now than it had before, though at the moment it’s written off as a result of All Might’s retirement.

During the Shie Hassaikai arc the only suspect detail we get is the fact that the raid on compound is inexplicably compromised, and somehow the yakuza knew the heroes and police were coming. We’ll come back to this and to the leaks in UA again later.

Skipping the remedial courses and school festival arc, we get to the Pro Hero Arc. Big lights, pomp and circumstance, and a massive powerful Nomu attack that nearly kills the freshly crowned #1 Hero. From this point forward, what we get of the HSPC is mainly through Hawks and his experience with him. After the fight, we get a flashback of the President of the HSPC herself telling him to ignore civilian casualties in his mission to infiltrate the LoV, that he has to do it solo, and that he can’t tell anyone. Briefly in the next chapter he says that despite his objections he can’t actually tell them no.

Hold up!

Did a government agency just tell a hero to secretly get in with the villains no matter what, and when he objects and asks whether he’s just supposed to ignore collateral damage in the process is told, “You can and you will”?! (That’s a verbatim quote from chapter 192.) I thought this agency was supposed to hep people and keep them safe!

We get smatterings of interactions between Hawks and the HPSC, and though we don’t get anything from there side we’re getting that every questionable or deplorable thing Hawks does or needs to get on the LoV’s good side is acknowledged and endorsed by the HPSC. “I’m in contact with the shady guy who loosed that monster in the middle of the city with no warning. He wants me to kill the other top hero who just recovered and to join the definitely-dangerous doomsday cult, and maybe THEN he’ll let me in on what’s going on.” Ok, sure. Nothing morally questionable about any of that...

Jump to chapter 267. Up to this point, this note about Hawks’ past has been hinted at, but is here finally confirmed with a chilling detail. Kids who enter hero work may get special coaching by their families when they’re young, but the threshold for entering formal government-regulated training isn’t until 14/15 years of age in the last few years of their education. Chapter 267 shows a little Keigo Takami no older than about 8, at best, being told by the HPSC that he doesn’t get to call himself by his own name anymore. From now on, he’s going to be a hero, and only a hero, and it’s going to long and hard. Back in 192, two mysterious figures promise the same boy, shown at the same age, that his family will be taken care of.

Whatever circumstances led Keigo’s family to end up in the situation they did, they accepted an offer from a government agency, the HPSC specifically - you can see their headquarters in the flashback - to take away their very young son, take away his identity (and implicitly his family), and groom him to be government tool for the rest of his life - a commitment he had no true say in and that he could not understand at the time.

And it gets worse.

Endeavor works with the HPSC regularly as all heroes have to, but his relationship with them and what they’ll let him get away with gets put into greater question the longer we look at it. He turned to eugenics to create a hero he couldn’t be and surpass All Might for the sole purpose of satisfying his own ego. He bought a girl from her family and forced her to have his kids, then subjected those kids to cruel training - passing over each one until he got to one he felt he could work with -, beat his wife as well, and some kind of action he was involved in lead to the death of his oldest son. While the domestic abuse could be hidden, the death of his child cannot. What’s more, shortly after (very shortly if timelines add up), his youngest son received a permanent burn scar on the heat-resistant side of his face and his wife was locked away in a mental institution for a decade.

And the HPSC never bats an eye. They could take away his license. They could call the police. They could have exposed him to the public or at least ordered an investigation. But they didn’t. On some level they knew, and they did nothing.

But it might be even worse.

I skipped over this detail chronologically, but it’s the linchpin for just how corrupt the HPSC might be if all this lines up. Looking at the Endeavor Agency Arc, we get a seemingly random confrontation with a guy called Starservant (chapter 243) who prattles off a prophecy about the Dark Lord returning and his Dark Stars conspiring against humanity which will bring the world to ruin. He calls out Endeavor specifically as the shining light that beckons the darkness, but this sounds an awful lot like the deranged wailing of some crazy old man, right?

Let’s jump over an entire series now to the spin-off serial Vigilantes. This series takes place in the same universe at an earlier point in the timeline of the main story - and take an extra little note that there’s an underlying subplot about unusual drugs meant to enhance quirks (that often result in mutating the user) and that someone may be using them to clandestinely run experiments on humans from the shadows. 

In chapter 59 we get flashbacked to Eraserhead, Midnight, and Present Mic’s childhood experiences at UA, and we’re also introduced to Oboro Shirakumo - their fellow classmate and dear friend. We get a few chapters establishing their relationships and their goals and dream for the future until chapter 63 where things make a drastic turn in tone. On what should be a routine hero training exercise as third-year seniors a giant, monstrous villain shows up and attacks while the UA kids are escorting a class of preschoolers around town.

In the scuffle, though Aizawa is able to single-handedly come out victorious, in the fight and debris Shirakumo is struck in the head by falling concrete as he tries to lead the children to safety and dies on the scene. Go back to main series, chapter 254-255, the villain Kurogiri is detained but the police are having no luck questioning him. They get a sliver of a lead and call in Present Mic and Eraserhead to interrogate him, and it’s confirmed that Kurogiri was a human experiment of Doctor Ujiko - the mad scientist bio-engineer responsible for the Nomu and outspokenly faithful servant of All-for-One - created from the corpse of their dearly departed Oboro.

Here’s the kicker, though, in Japan they don’t often bury their dead. Funerals next to never include an open casket - the loved one is cremated first, their ashes placed on an funeral shrine with their picture, and the loved ones mourn there. That means Ujiko needed to get to the body before it was cremated - which requires some fast work; but that’s not even the worst of it. Jumping one last time to chapter 270, Ujiko recognizes Mic as a friend of Shirakumo and boldly admits the entire time he was after Aizawa for his quirk.

That attack more than 10 years ago was premeditated. This goes back a long ways. How did he find this information - about their quirks and their movements and where to find them? How did Ujiko get the body out of the morgue without anyone catching him? Could it be the same way his fellow servants of All-for-One were able to get into the USJ? And the Training Camp? And the Yakuza raid? All-for-One has a lot of connections for his faithful servants to move about freely in this world of heroes despite every effort being take to stop them. 

Somehow, these shining lights can never seem to outrun the dark no matter how hard they try, as if there’s a conspiracy against them. But a conspiracy of that level would have to come all the way from the top! If you wanted to get poetic about it, you could even say the stars themselves are conspiring against us. But that old man was crazy, right? If he wasn’t crazy - if he was right at all - then no matter what way you slice it:

This is bad.

The reason Wandavision ultimately was a big disappointment was that it didn’t say anything new or add any depth to Wanda. Some people have argued that we shouldn’t have expected much because this is the MCU we’re talking about, but I hate that logic for two reasons: 

Marvel is using the Disney+ series to expand upon characters and plots that they couldn’t/didn’t get to explore in the films

This dismisses the existence of MCU works that have, while dealing with the trappings of being a blockbuster/studio film or “just” a superhero film or show, tried to go beyond that with their stories and characters

You can’t ignore Marvel’s goal with D+ nor can you paint all the works with the same brush.  

This was Marvel’s opportunity to give a side character who has been given such shoddy writing the growth she sorely needed. We didn’t get that. Wanda is very much the same person she was in Age of Ultron; we still barely know anything about her besides the fact that she’s powerful and traumatized. She is very much defined by that. Who is she outside of that? Who is she outside her grief? Why, for instance, does Vision love her so much? We know why she loves Vision. In fact, I’d argue that the star or at least the heart of Wandavision was Vision because we learn more about him and see him grow. 

There’s no movement, either positive or negative, here. Wanda continues to behave the same way, never learning or truly being shaped by her actions for good or bad in any significant way, and the MCU refuses to commit to making her anything. She isn’t a good hero. She isn’t a good antihero. She isn’t a good villain. They want to make her someone complex, but we’re left not understanding if we’re supposed to root for her despite her troubles or see that this is a troubling evolution towards emotional and moral corruption. Is she a messy hero? Or is she a sympathetic villain?

As a recap, here’s what we’ve seen of Wanda and why I’m saying she hasn’t had any meaningful growth:

Wanda volunteers for Hydra. You know, Nazis? If you want to quibble about whether they’re “technically” Nazis, whatever; they’re still a terrorist organization, and Wandavision explicitly states it as such. Here was a chance to address the awful decision Whedon made, but we get a white woman nonchalantly excusing her voluntary involvement with the world’s most famous terrorist group with a blasé “We wanted to change the world.” This is the most we get from her about this.

Wanda mentally violates and assaults the Avengers. She forcibly traps them in their worst nightmares. She coerces Bruce into transforming into the Hulk against his will, ripping him of his agency and sanity. When Bruce confronts her about this later in AoU, she straight up refuses to apologize. Wanda has yet to apologize to any of the Avengers.

In her thirst for vengeance, she decides to use the Hulk to hurt innocent people, most of whom are black, in Johannesburg. The only reason people aren't killed is that Tony tries to get people out of harm's way, get Bruce away from civilians, and help Bruce regain control before subduing him when he fails. We never see Wanda thinking about what she did in Johannesburg.

Wanda knows Ultron is evil and follows him, standing by as he hurts Helen Cho, yet another innocent civilian POC. She only cares about Ultron’s destructive nature when she reads his mind and realizes he wants to commit global genocide. Wanda is also arguably one of the Avengers most responsible for creating Ultron. Without her, there is no Ultron. Without her interference, we get Vision. We don’t ever see her grappling with her culpability. This is not the case with the others who made Ultron.

Wanda therefore plays a huge role in the destruction of her home country of Sokovia and the countless resulting deaths including Pietro’s. We see her sad, but we don’t see any guilt. We don’t even see survivor’s guilt.

Because she can’t control her power, Wanda commits manslaughter, killing innocent black people in a Lagos hospital. Other than seeing her react in horror at the scene and turn away from the video that Ross shows later, we don’t see how this impacts her or the way people treat her as an individual. She’s briefly detained under house arrest, essentially grounded, a logical response to what happened. 

Despite the damage she caused, she flees the compound with Clint to the airport even if Clint doesn’t give her a valid reason for doing so, not before slamming the person she cares about the most, Vision, through dozens of feet of concrete and earth.

Rather than seeing Wanda be reluctant to use her powers after learning she doesn’t know how to control herself, we see her chiding Clint for being soft and taking it easy on the other side. The Avengers are doing that because they’re fighting against their own teammates and friends; they’re acting to escape or subdue. She doesn’t care if she gets people hurt while trying to stop them as evidenced by what she says to Clint and her actions thereafter. 

Wanda takes a whole town hostage and mind controls them. All of the people whose identities she wipes and whom she turns into her puppets are in extreme pain. While what occurred happened instinctually rather than as a deliberate, conscious choice, she becomes aware of what she’s done at some point (Dottie’s cry for help, Wanda’s refusal to listen to Jimmy’s message, Monica breaking free of her conditioning, Vision bringing it up, etc.). She doesn’t let them go. She refuses to believe that they’re in pain even when she’s told that. Only when she’s backed into a corner does she let them go. She then never apologizes or even speaks a word to them. (It doesn’t matter whether or not she thinks they’d accept her apology; you don’t apologize on the condition that you’re heard and forgiven. You do it because you should, even if it doesn’t change anything for the people you hurt. She only apologizes to the one person whom she knows will accept her apology/be lenient on her.)

When Monica starts to remember the real world, Wanda gets hostile and slams her through multiple houses, past the ends of town, and through the reality boundary.

When Vision becomes aware of the problem at hand, she repeatedly gaslights him and tries to control what he can/should and can’t/shouldn’t do. She gets upset when he doesn’t act the way she wants him to. She doesn’t apologize to him beyond saying she should have told him earlier which is only part of the problem.

Wanda tells Agatha the difference between them is that while Agatha did what she did intentionally, she didn’t. This isn’t true.

What Agatha says about Wanda is true; she’s cruel. For the third time in a row, Wanda decides to violate someone’s mind and control them. She essentially murders Agatha, even if it’s bloodless and reversible (and she only says she’ll reverse it if she wants to use Agatha).

After the fight is over, she decides to leave Westview rather than face any consequences or help clean up. She leaves the Westview residents with all their trauma and the destruction of their town without a word to them.

In the post-credits scene, she has fled the country and is isolated in a remote cabin, reading a book she doesn’t understand about concepts she doesn’t understand instead of seeking help when she has a terrible track record of self-teaching or understanding her powers.  

When you put all of this together, everything screams “villain,” but as I said, the writers refuse to come out and say that she’s that. They refuse to say anything, and maybe you can argue that they don’t have to make it clear right this moment. You can argue that Wanda should be allowed to be messy, just like many other characters in the MCU are. 

The thing about that line of reasoning, though, is that those other characters who are messy? The writing acknowledges that, and we see them deal with the ramifications of their actions and they’re held accountable to them. We see them apologize. We see them try to be better people. We see them work to make up for their mistakes or sins. We need to see Wanda do that if we’re supposed to see her as a hero. Or if she isn’t (and there’s nothing wrong with that! Wanda doesn’t have to be a hero, and in fact, she could be a compelling antagonist or villain which can be exciting), well, she still needs to face consequences. 

She doesn’t. She is, by far, the uncontested champion in getting away with what she does; yes, we get some handwaving for certain things other characters do, but no other character has nearly all of their deeds and behavior ignored to the extent Wanda does. It’s extremely frustrating to see. We keep seeing a cycle:

Wanda is full of anger/vengeance and/or grief. 

She acts from a place of trauma and prioritizes her desires. 

Something bad happens.

Often, it’s something she didn’t mean to happen or she didn’t mean to go that far.

She’s horrified or sad.

Very occasionally, she gets a slap on the wrist, but it’s so brief and doesn’t actually change anything that it might as well not have happened. Most times, it’s as if she never did anything and the story never brings up what she did again (unless it’s to show how she’s sad or powerful).

She doesn’t do anything. She does the same mistakes/crimes again. Wash and repeat.

It’s so unbelievably vexing and tiresome. Despite all my issues with Wanda up until Wandavision and, most importantly her casting, I wanted to like Wanda, whether it was as a hero or villain or someone in between. BUT WE GOT NOTHING NEW. I don’t know anything about Wanda even now beyond “vengeful, sad, powerful white woman who is traumatized and clings to family because of that”! This is the SAME EXACT THING we’ve been dealing with since the beginning, and it’s so frustrating. Wanda deserved better.

the most important thing about luther’s apology to vanya isn’t him taking responsibility for his actions or accepting that he did something wrong  (  though that’s very important too,  given that he did not understand what he was doing was so wrong at the time and recognizing that now is vital.  )  the most important part is the way he validates her anger.  

his apology to her is not about him.  he’s spent the last year feeling both guilt over how he handled things / what he did to her / how he feels he failed her and the rest of his siblings when his job has always been to protect him  --- and feeling scared of what she’s capable of  (  which i think is fair because to not be scared after the limited knowledge and what he saw would be invalidating to her powers.  )  he’s scared of himself + he’s scared of what she’s capable of,  but once he sees her,  and once he realizes she’s been here too + she’s got a family she’s with + she seems genuinely happy,  he wonders if she’s doing better and if she’s better off out on her own than with her family  --- especially him.  

because after everything,  their entire childhood + what transpired during season 1,  he knows she has every right to be angry at all of them.  but he carries a lot of it on his own shoulders because of what he did to her right before the academy was destroyed.  in an effort to try to protect his family + her,  he only hurt her more.  that was not his intention.  that was a failed attempt at being the leader and a quick realization that that was not his place anymore.  but allison nearly bled to death + he saw a man brutally murdered by her  ----  he had every right to be scared of her.  he knows that.  but after a year of thinking about this over and over again,  he knows he should have taken a different approach in trying to help her and understand her  ---  because he didn’t take that time with her before locking her up.  he should have and he knows that.  he takes responsibility for that.   he has no reason to blame her for not wanting to be around her family,  if that’s the case  ---  because so much has become clear to him since then.

luther didn’t read vanya’s book with the same perspective as everyone else.  everyone else knew that their father hurt them all.  luther didn’t recognize that until after reginald died.  a lot of vanya’s book was very confusing to him because of it;  a lot of the abuse they faced was pointed out in the book,  and he didn’t feel like she had a place in saying any of it because he didn’t think she understood.  but vanya understood better than luther did  (  keeping luther so close to him that reginald was able to twist luther’s perception of him was the height of luther’s abuse. )  he was less resentful in the way his siblings were towards her and just a little more lost by her book.  i mentioned this before but the similarities in vanya and luther really come down to the fact that vanya was on the outside of everything and luther was too close to it all;  both of their perceptions are skewed because of that but it makes their perspectives both very interesting.  it’s why it takes him longer to understand that what he did to her in his attempt to help was wrong  ----  because he’s still trying to process,  for the first time in his life,  that their father was a bad man and that he treated his kids horribly  (  ‘ i was naive enough to believe dads don’t lie to their kids.‘  /  i cant believe how much time i just wasted believing dad.  ‘  )   

coming to terms with the fact that he hurt vanya and failed her + his family in the process is part of him recognizing the way he was abused,  too.  the more he realizes reginald has hurt him and the others,  the more he realizes just how bad it was for vanya and how valid her anger is  ---  not just at their father,  but to all of them.   so it takes him until his first year in the ‘60s to start understanding her book more and more and how that anger that came through the pages was so valid.  all these pieces came together for him and he saw vanya in a new light.  all the siblings  (  maybe just excluding five  )  played a part in excluding vanya while growing up;  it was engrained into their minds to do so.  but he didn’t want it to be that way anymore.  he believes he deserves her anger,  but he also hopes that he can still be a brother  ---  so there’s a line to balance on between her valid anger + how rightfully destructive her anger can be + how he wants to be there for her,  this time in a better way that he was before.  

but luther knows that her anger is far more valid than his desire to be a family again.  he puts that first.

he didn’t bring a gun there with intent to hurt her  (  he’s spent the last year feeling awful for hurting her before,  purposefully letting himself get beaten + exploited because he wanted to be punished for what he’s done.  he has no reason to want to hurt her again.  )   he brought a gun because he knew how powerful she is and how destructive she can be and how valid her anger is.  i’m not saying it was the right way to handle it but i do think it’s fair for him to be scared of her and it makes it clear that he recognizes why she should be mad at him anyway.  he always wanted the chance to apologize to her,  that was the most important thing  ---  but he was immediately blindsided when she didn’t know who he was. 

but he recognizes the way he (especially) + the others have hurt her.  he is recognizing that she is hurt and that she is allowed to be hurt and she i allowed to be mad at them,  whereas season 1 luther felt like the rest of their family  was her victim,  not fully aware of the other side of the story.  but now that he is aware,  and now that he is starting to understand,  he sees that she has every right to feel hurt and be angry,  and she’s allowed to deal with it in her own way.  no one ever let luther deal with his pain in his own way;  he’s constantly belittled for it  ---  he doesn’t want her to go through that too.  so she needs to hear that it’s okay for her to deal however she needs to.  that validation is something she needed in season 1 and luther could not give it to her then,  but he’s trying so desperately to give it to her now.  he wants to help her right now;  if the only way he can do that is to leave her alone,  that’s fair + it’s her choice that he’s going to respect.  assuming that she’s lying and purposefully trying to hide out rather than actually not remembering any of it is just his way of trying to respect her boundaries.  

he wants her back.  he wants her to be part of the family.  at this point,  she’s only the second family member he’s seen  ---  after a year of wondering if she’s dead or if she’s okay.  he desperately wants his family back and to atone for hi mistakes with all of them,  especially her,  but more important than atoning for himself is protecting + validating her.  that comes first.  but he understands that she may not be ready to see them or want to be part of that family anymore and that’s her choice,  he’s going to respect her for that.  because if hiding away + trying to move on with her life is the healthiest option for her,  rather than coming back to their family,  she’s allowed to do that.  he’s not going to force the family together like he tried to do before;  he didn’t always recognize that when his siblings left,  they were abandoning the academy / reginald,  not him.  he thought it was about himself.  but now he understands that it was about them and them having their own lives and being who they are  ---  just as this is for vanya  (  he assumes,  given that he doesn’t know if she’s lying about losing her memories at this point.  )  if this makes her happier than she feels she can be with the family,  then that’s the best thing for her.  he didn’t get that chance when reginald took away his options;  so luther won’t take away vanya’s.

if the best thing for vanya is to be away from them,  despite him wanting to make up for their lost time as siblings,  then he’ll respect it.  but when she does decide to come back to the family,  he makes a conscious effort to ensure she’s always included.  he becomes her advocate.  it’s such a little moment but before they meet their father,  she suggests they use the shell to talk,  and when diego doesn’t have the shell,  luther calls him out for it  ---  not to be funny,  but because it was vanya’s suggestion and he wants her to be heard.  in season 1,  there’s a lot of instances when there are family meetings that don’t include everyone or don’t pull everyone’s feelings into account,  but it’s different now,  and they’re all making sure of it.   he’s just really showing her that she is part of this family and that she is being heard and is important in their decisions and i think that’s extremely important  --  because he’s recognizing why she was in pain before and why her pain is valid,  so he’s trying to give this a fresh start and do better than he did before.  it doesn’t mean he’s always doing it perfectly,  but he’s actively working on himself and trying to do right by all of them  ---  especially vanya,  because she has every right to hate him,  and if she did,  he would understand.   

so luther’s apology was not about himself;  it was not about trying to ‘ make himself feel better. ‘   it was entirely about her.  it was about putting her before himself.  it was about validating her pain and her anger in a way that she needed last time he saw her,  in a way he didn’t give her then.  it was all about respecting her and trying to make sure she was okay.  

but beyond validating her anger and her pain,  he is actively taking responsibility for what happened.  he tells her that she was not alone in causing the apocalypse  ---  yes,  she was the bomb,  but there was a series of fuses and canon mentions multiple times that harold is the fuse,  but luther will always believe he was.  that’s why he mentions himself first before saying they were all a part of it;  that’s why he explicitly states “i destroyed the world by overestimating my own importance,”  because he’s recognizing just how valid she was in her response to what he did to her.  she destroyed the world,  but would she have if he didn’t lead her to it?  

that’s how he sees her now.  he is scared of what she’s capable of because he is impressed by her powers  (  he told her that  )  but more than that,  beyond her powers,  he is actively trying to validate her all season and understand her pain and that really emphasizes the way luther is starting to get a fuller picture of the way they were all abused.  he has always been a protector,  but he’s realizing now that the way he’s gone about it hasn’t always been the best for people,  and that’s why we see him take a step back + try to put himself as an equal to the others rather than their number one.  

of course we don’t get vanya’s genuine reaction to his apology,  since she doesn’t remember what happened between them and doesn’t have a way of truly understanding his apology / accepting it,  and that’s the worst part,  because she deserves to be fully conscious of what he’s saying to her and how she feels about it,  but the way he insists on validating her pain + the way she chooses to cope is the most important thing about this,  for me personally,  and the most important thing for luther to communicate to her.  he leaves there after his apology not certain if he believes that she doesn’t remember or not  ---  because he knows how valid it is for her to want to stay away from him / the rest of them,  and he knows how valid it is for her to want this life,  where she looks happy,  instead  ---  so he doesn’t insist on pushing because he wants her to have what’s best for her,  not what he wants  (  which is his sister back + a chance to treat her better.  )  he puts her before himself and that’s so important to the way his mindset has changed and how he’s come to terms with things since leaving 2019.

Rhea’s Twelve Children

Okay. I said I was gonna chew on this once I was finished playing Silver Snow. Welp, I’ve finished playing Silver Snow, and good grief, did I get something to chew on.

[CN/TW: Unethical experimentation, attempted death of personality, abuse (and this holds true regardless of what you think the origins of the twelve to be)]

(I don’t don’t call my avatar ‘Byleth,’ but since this is a general meta post, I’ll be calling her ‘Byleth’ simply for clarity.

And obviously, if you think of Rhea as a benevolent person with benevolent goals—I don’t, and you should take that into account before reading any further. If Mobile fucks up again and eats the Read More in the Mobile version of this post, I’m sorry, and please just scroll past.)

      Up there is what is effectively Rhea’s deathbed confession in Silver Snow. She relates how she created twelve people to serve as vessels for Sothis, only for each attempt to end in failure. Then, she talks about how, when Byleth was born, her mother was dying and Byleth herself appeared to be either dying or stillborn, and that she used Sothis’s Crest Stone to revive her—and that later, she tried to use Byleth the way she had tried to use the twelve who came before her.

It is, at present, unclear as to whether the twelve were Rhea’s biological children, or people she created via magic. To me, I think the former explanation is by far the most likely. Verdant Wind is the only route I haven’t gotten through, and while I know that one is lore-heavy, it seems to have a lot more to do with the general (true) history of Fódlan than with Byleth’s origins and how those origins play into Rhea’s machinations. The only person who seems to have had the power to create life by such means as Rhea would have had to in order to have literally “created bodies” is Sothis, and Rhea doesn’t have Sothis’s powers. I have thus far read nothing in this game to suggest that there is magic that can create a person. Given the lack of evidence pointing in any other direction, the simplest explanation is the one most likely to be true: these twelve people were Rhea’s biological children, brought into the world via sexual reproduction, and she refers to them as “created bodies” in an attempt to distance herself from them as much as possible.

And even if they aren’t her biological children, even if she clearly does not regard them as such, these people were Rhea’s children in one sense of the word or another. Biological children or created via magic, she gave them life.

So. Rhea had twelve children, and each time she had one, she brought them into the world with the intent of snuffing out everything that made them who they were so that she could give her mother’s soul a body to pilot and use to interact with the physical plane again. Twelve times, she did this, and never seriously thought she should stop. Well, more like thirteen.

She doesn’t regard these people as her children; this much is clear from the outset. She consistently refers to them as “failures”, unable to resist the urge to objectify them and reduce everything that they were down to the base function for which she brought them into this world—and to imply that everything they were was meaningless in the face of their being unable to be what she wanted them to be. It is, at best, unclear as to what just happened to these people once Rhea realized that their bodies wouldn’t be able to act as vessels for Sothis. Byleth’s mother was still very young when she died—depending on the time of year when she was born, she was either nineteen or twenty—and Rhea, as we have seen, is murderously possessive of Sothis’s Crest Stone.

I can’t speak much on this since we have basically no information on how she responded when she finally realized that each of the children were unable to become vessels for Sothis. Nemesis was slain in Imperial Year 91, and the game starts in Imperial Year 1180. That’s 1,089 years; divided by 12, that’s 90.75 years. Even if you assume Rhea waited a while before her first try at resurrecting her mother, that’s more than enough time for each of them to have died of old age and/or natural causes, and for Rhea to simply harvest the Crest Stone after their deaths. The fact that we know at least one of them died at the ripe old age of twenty (at the oldest) gives us even more leeway. We don’t know what happened to each of the eleven who preceded Byleth’s mother when Rhea realized that they wouldn’t be able to fulfill the role she created them to fill. We likely never will.

Rhea probably didn’t kill them, but she certainly didn’t view them as people in their own right, and certainly not as anyone to be truly cherished for who they were. They were, after all, “failures.”

This, on its own, is completely unconscionable. I don’t know what else to call having twelve children (or creating twelve children by means other than the typical), and then trying to snuff out everything they are so their bodies can be used as a vessel for another soul to interact with the physical plane without going into phrasing that could pass into the realm of deliberately inflammatory. All of the stuff Rhea did in the past in regards to the twelve was unconscionable, but let’s talk about what she did to #13.

It is established that Rhea saved Byleth’s life by implanting Sothis’s Crest Stone into her heart as a newborn. If that is where she had stopped, I would be able to say, without reservation, that this was a purely altruistic act. I would be able to say that it was a benevolent act. How else do you describe someone resorting to drastic measures to save a newborn’s life, if it doesn’t involve selling their soul to a demon or something?

But that’s not where this story ended.

Jeralt notes in his diary that both he and newborn Byleth have been put under surveillance by the church; he had to fake the baby’s death and take advantage of her utter silence to successfully smuggle her out of the monastery. Rhea had no intention of letting Byleth slip out from her grasp, and the fact that she doesn’t even try to feed Jeralt some edited version of what happened, doesn’t try to forestall his worries with an edited story of what happened when Byleth was born, doesn’t speak of someone who’s particularly willing to cooperate with Jeralt in the raising of this child. Her intent, her sole intent, is to make sure Byleth isn’t taken out from under her gaze. Or, to be more accurate, to ensure that her mother’s Crest Stone isn’t carried off to where she can’t retrieve it from.

When Jeralt and Byleth are brought back to the monastery at the start of the game is where Rhea starts her nearly year-long campaign of aggressively grooming Byleth to ensure that she trusts Rhea as much as possible, is as compliant to Rhea’s wishes as possible. Though the term ‘grooming’ is often used to describe sexual abuse, it doesn’t have to be sexual in nature, and in this case, I can’t think of a better way to call what Rhea is doing.

Rhea shows Byleth an unusual amount of favor right from the start, by making her a professor at the Officers Academy, which is a prestigious position and would, as Seteth points out, never usually be given to a young stranger who hasn’t been thoroughly vetted and whose qualifications haven’t been extensively verified. She is constantly complimentary towards Byleth, and entrusts her, a near-stranger, with the Sword of the Creator, even though it is a weapon both hugely important to the Church of Seiros and incredibly dangerous in the wrong hands. Their supports take place in Rhea’s bedchamber, far away from prying eyes. Rhea often sends Jeralt out of the monastery on long-term missions. It’s noted over and over again, by multiple people, that Rhea treats Byleth very differently than how she treats everyone else, and that Byleth has definitely been receiving special treatment.

Rhea spent a year aggressively grooming Byleth, trying to cultivate their absolute trust as quickly as possible. All of this, to ensure that when Rhea asked Byleth to sit on Sothis’s throne, to do the thing she confidently assumed would snuff out everything that made Byleth who they were, Byleth would do it with no fuss, and no hesitation.

So. Twelve times she had children she intended to turn into her mother, but thirteen times she’s tried to turn someone into her mother, after all.

Not once did it occur to her that maybe she should stop.

And yeah, she expresses apparently genuine remorse when explaining all this to Byleth in Silver Snow, but it’s easy to be remorseful when you’re on your deathbed. It’s easy to be remorseful for your wrongdoings when you know you’re not going to be around to experience the consequences of them for much longer. I’m not saying it’s not genuine. I’m saying it’s not terribly meaningful. And even here, Rhea was talking to Byleth with the intent of achieving a goal, her goal being to ensure that Byleth would accept the responsibility of ruling over Fódlan after she herself was gone. She told the truth, but because it was the only card she had left to play.

Yeah, Silver Snow gave me a lot to chew on, alright.

julian santiago and the case of the sister’s mystery boyfriend

so, finally, finally, i finished my assignment for the @b99fandomevents fic exchange! i was assigned @397bartonstreet and i chose to include the prompts 'amy's brother finding out she's dating someone from an instagram post' and 'peraltiago from a third party's perspective'. thank you for the creative prompts and thank you so much for your patience!

read here on ao3

DECEMBER 2014

Julian Santiago considers himself to be pretty close with his only sister. He's only two years older, they've gotten along throughout most of their childhood, and still do today. They're piano portrait buddies, although he accepted a while ago that he’ll always be a little bit closer to the stairs than she is. They shared a room as well as secrets growing up, and she's the first person he tells when he meets his first real boyfriend. Likewise, Julian is the first Santiago brother to learn when Amy gets together with Sergeant Teddy Wells and the first to learn when they break up. They're close, and out of all the seven competitive brothers, Julian likes to think he's the one who knows and understands his sister best.

It's a mystery on multiple levels when he can't figure out how okay she seems about the breakup. His sister, the person who cried for days straight when she broke up with her college boyfriend, his sister who has never been known for taking relationships lightly or being far from tears when she’s going through something, is sitting in their parents’ couch a mere five days after her breakup and seeming fine. She’s laughing and grinning in the most genuine way he recognizes, nodding with surprise when he asks if she’s okay, and Julian understands if she wants to appear strong in front of their hyper-judgmental parents, but this is eerie. She’s too okay. It’s mind-boggling, and either he’s not getting an answer or he’s not asking the right questions, but eventually, he makes the educated guess that there must be someone else in her life. She must have wanted for this to break-up to happen, he figures, and a new mystery lover could very well be the reason. Julian simply has to figure out who it is. 

It doesn’t take him many hours - two, actually - before he has a guess. He’s heard his sister talk about her detective partner, Jake Peralta, before, but this is excessive. It starts with a retelling of some funny anecdote he’s told once, continues with her mentioning how she won over him in a confusing set of games and ends with further repetitions of Jake said this and Jake told me that until Julian is as certain as can be. They're dating, he knows it, but he has to be sure - he has to find some way to dig this secret out of her and be the first of the brothers to know - so he brings it up.

Not in front of everyone, of course. He’s made that mistake before and it ended with Amy being too furious to speak to him for weeks. No, he waits until his dad suggests the siblings go out on a walk while Camila finishes up what is sure to be a delicious roast dinner, and while he’s not by definition alone with his sister, it’s the maximal amount of primacy which can be had during Santiago family gatherings. David and Victor are power-walking fifty feet ahead of anyone else, Luis and his wife Emma are walking thirty feet behind with their three-year-old twins. Tony, Isaac, and Christian are close but too deep in conversation about different kinds of protein powder to listen to anything else, their respective girlfriends are deep in conversation about what Julian thinks is a reality show but might as well be politics, and Simon is trying to keep up with David and Victor while holding a camera in front of his face. It’s chaos, but Julian finally has a chance to have a conversation only with Amy, so he jumps on it.

 “So, that Jake guy, huh?”

“What?” Amy flinches, looking at him like he just started speaking Russian to her. “Why are you bringing him up?”

“You two are definitely dating, huh?”

“What?” She nearly screams this, earning herself a confused glance from everyone nearby, and Julian almost jumps to the side in shock. “What - why are you - what would make you think that?”

“I don’t know”, he shrugs, “maybe because you’re mentioning him once every five minutes?”

“He’s my work partner.”

“Who you talk about constantly.”

“I don’t talk about him constantly!” Amy’s still gaping, nose scrunched and eyes clearly judging him for his apparent stupidity. “That’s - you’re - I don’t.”

“You do, though.”

“I don’t!”

“Sure”, Julian grins. “I know you just want to keep it a secret from mom and dad, that’s fine, but you can tell me.”

“Jake and I aren’t dating!” She’s wheezing her words, looking anxiously around her before lowering her voice further. “We’re not. We’re really not.”

“But you’re… something?”

“He has a girlfriend, Julian.”

“Ohh…” He contemplates this confession, the cogwheels in his brain working and immediately jumping to the next guess. 

Except she wouldn’t. His sister wouldn’t. Or would she?

“Are you, uh -”, he whispers, “are you the other woman?”

“JULIAN!” They’re earning themselves looks and raised eyebrows again, now also from an older lady walking past them. Amy shoots her an apologetic smile before returning to the conversation. “Trust me, I’m not in love with Jake. And even if I like him - it wouldn’t matter.”

“Why wouldn’t it matter?”

“Because I would never date someone I work with, dumbass! It’s unprofessional.”

“You dated that pilsner guy -”

“Teddy and I worked at different precincts. Jake and I work at the same. It would be...” She grimaces. “I don’t know. I just don’t think it would work. Either way, it doesn’t matter because I don’t like him.”

“You’re talking about him a lot, is all I’m saying.”

“Julian”, she says his name like it’s a warning about life and death. “Let. It. Go.”

“Like the Frozen song?”

“You’re hopeless”, Amy declares, walking away from him in a pace so rushed he has to jog to keep up with her. 

“Fine! Fine! You don’t like Jake!”

It pains him as an older brother to give his sister that much privacy when he could be repeatedly teasing her, but Amy’s threatened to beat him up once before and Julian knows from experience his sister is strong. As tempting as it is to do the opposite, he lets it go. 

OCTOBER 2015

Julian doesn’t ask his sister more questions about her love life for the year that passes by. Jake the work partner must still be dating someone else, seeing how Amy steers clear of him bringing up for the next months. Whether she has feelings for the guy or not, Julian’s still unsure, but asking seems to do no good and eventually, he gives up.

He can’t shake the suspicion that she’s dating someone else, though. Every time they meet up that summer, Amy is in a better mood than ever. She’s practically glowing every time someone asks her how she’s been, laughing and participating in every conversation even when she says she’s tired from work, and there seems to be an air of confidence and happiness around her that he’s not seen since his sister was promoted to Detective. Whatever - or whoever - is causing it, Julian can’t help but be happy for her. She still mentions Jake now and then, but nowhere near the frequency she once did; whatever unrequited crush was once there, he figures it must have calmed down. 

In the end, Julian doesn’t give much thought to the possible mystery boyfriend. If it was serious, Amy would surely tell them, or at least tell him. Therefore, it comes as a pure shock when a late October evening, his half-hearted Instagram scrolling leads to a major discovery. 

Julian recently moved in with his boyfriend of five months - Lucas - and while he usually doesn’t have as much time to spend on social media as he’d like, he’s found that during an episode of Game of Thrones is his best shot. Lucas is too into the show to care what Julian does as long as he can rest his head on Julian’s shoulder and have his hair played with, and the episodes are long enough for Julian to thoroughly go through his own Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram feeds. So thoroughly, in fact, that sometimes he has time to go down the rabbit hole of random accounts and comments discussing Broadway shows or veganism, or simply do some benevolent stalking of his loved ones. Go through what accounts his sister follows, for example, and see if there’s anything juicy there she’s not telling him during their weekly phone calls. 

There are a lot of inspirational accounts about books and studying, even an account that seems to be centered specifically around laminated documents. She dutifully follows simon_says- the Instagram created by their youngest brother to advertise the supposedly successful YouTube channel no family member truly understands the point of - as well as a bunch of her friends from college and what seems to be every single Santiago family member who has social media. She follows a single account for a handmade jewelry store that Julian quickly scrolls through, and then she follows her co-workers.

Jake Peralta’s Instagram is frequently updated. Mostly with quirky selfies of himself, but also with pictures of chicken wings, Taylor Swift records, and pictures taken together with a short-grown man in beige clothing tagged as charles-foodie-boyle. He’s posted a single selfie in which Amy appears as well, grimacing behind her desk, but Julian doesn’t make anything of it. Considering there’s a twenty-to-one ratio of pictures Charles is tagged in versus pictures Amy is tagged in, he would almost consider it more likely that Jake’s dating him. He checks out Charles Instagram, simply out of curiosity. That’s when the heart attack occurs.

Charles Boyle posted a picture merely an hour ago. It’s taken in a gruff-looking bar, the lighting a little dim and the details a little out of focus, but he can see the three people in it clear as day. Charles is in the front of the picture, smiling enthusiastically and doing a thumbs up, but Julian’s attention is drawn to what’s happening in the background. His sister, wearing a purple blouse he’s seen at many a family dinners and her hair up, is pictured kissing the one and only Jake Peralta.

Julian has never been so angry about an application lacking a zoom function before. Not that he needs it; it’s clearly his sister and it’s clearly Jake Peralta, he’s looked at the man’s face in enough selfies to be certain, and they’re clearly kissing. She even has a hand on his shoulder, displaying more PDA than Julian had ever thought his sister was physically capable of. There are two beers next to them on the bar table, but it’s a work night and Amy’s not the type to get black-out drunk on weeknights. Not black-out drunk enough to be kissing random people. No, Julian has to get the bottom of this, and he has to get to the bottom of this now. 

“Lucas?”

“Yeah?” His boyfriend’s voice is distant, his green eyes focused on their television screen.

“I have to make a phone call. Family emergency.”

“Okay,” Lucas mumbles, squeezing Julian’s knee when he disentangles himself and leaves for their bedroom. “Be back soon?”

“I promise!” He half-shouts, unsure if he’ll be able to stick to the wording of soon. He has a lot of questions for the person he’s about to call, and he’s still formulating most of them in his head as his phone searches for and calls up Amy Santiago.

She answers after three signals. She must still be at the bar, he judges from the odd clinking glass and the muffled conversations in the background, and there’s a confused tone to her voice when she speaks.

“Julian? Did anything happen? Is there an emergency of some kind?”

You bet there’s an emergency, he wants to say. You not telling us about your dating life. 

“You’re dating Jake Peralta, aren’t you?”

There’s silence on the other end of the phone. Then, a yet more confused, but also curious, voice.

“How on Earth did you figure that out?”

“I, uh, Instagram-stalked you,” he admits, somewhat sheepishly. “I was bored, and I.. I went onto Charles Boyle’s account? He had a picture of you and Jake, that he posted like an hour ago. You two were… kissing.”

Yet more silence, then a loud and angry statement, shouted at someone else on the other side. 

(“Charles! I’m going to kill you!”

“Ames, why are you killing Charles this time?”)

“Sorry,” she says when she returns to the phone, not with as much background noise now; she must have walked a bit away. “I’ll yell at him later. But yeah - uh - it’s true, I guess.”

“So you’re dating?”

Amy sighs. “Please don’t tell mom about it. You know how she is about everyone I date.”

“Yeah, yeah, you don’t have to remind me twice,” he assures her, “but now tell me everything. How long have you been dating?”

“A little over four months,” she admits. “I mean, I almost thought it was obvious - I feel like I’ve talked about him a lot.”

“You talked even more about him before you were dating!”

“Did I?”

“Yes.”

“Really?”

“Yes. You literally didn’t shut up about him,” Julian snorts, thinking back to when he first questioned her about it on that winter walk. “Either way - I’m… happy for you.”

He can’t see her reaction on the other end of the call, but he has a distinct feeling that she’s smiling, the kind of shy but genuine smile often accompanied by blushing cheeks.

“Thanks, Julian. I’m really happy, too.”

“He’s treating you well and all those things, right?”

“Obviously.”

“Because I’d beat him up otherwise. Or I’d send Tony to do it,” he offers. “Or pay Simon to make a video about him? Point is I’d find a way.”

This makes Amy laugh, a burst of melodic laughter that reminds him of inside jokes and morning cartoons when they were younger.

“I think I’m good, thanks. Jake’s amazing. I can tell you about him over lunch next week?”

“Lunch next week sounds great.”

“Talk to you later?”

“Absolutely. Have a good night, Ames.”

She hangs up on him. After making a single victory gesture in the bedroom mirror, Julian immediately phones Tony to inform him there’s a winner in the bet on whether Amy would ever date a coworker.

JANUARY 2016

Julian meets the famous Jake Peralta for the first time four months later. At that point, he's built up so much curiosity it feels like he's bursting at the seams, itching to actually meet the person he's heard about since the day his sister transferred to the Nine-Nine. He's excited, but he’s also wary. Amy's talked about this guy in every single phone call and meeting he's had with her for the last months, insisting that you’d love him, Julian, I really think you’d get along until Julian had started to question whether she was trying to pair him together with Jake. 

The information Julian has gathered is that Jake is supposedly brilliantly funny with a sweet personality, an amazing detective, worthless at math and basketball and an intense fan of Die Hard and Taylor Swift. (The last piece of information, Julian’s gathered on his own through more professional brotherly Instagram stalking. It’s the same method he’s used to discover that Amy doesn’t, for once, have horrible taste; Jake Peralta actually is cute when he’s not grimacing in pictures. Not Julian’s type, but cute.)

It’s overwhelmingly positive information. Then again, Amy described Teddy Wells with nearly as many positive adjectives to a beginning, and the hours Julian spent listening to that man talk about pilsners are hours he’ll never get back. Therefore, it’s a positive surprise when Jake shows up to the casual siblings-and-partners dinner and lives up to Amy’s description.

He’s far more handsome in person than his Instagram feed makes him out to be, which Lucas seconds before mentioning to Julian that someone should give Jake a proper lesson in taking non-quirky selfies. As a service to the world, he says, and Julian punches him in the shoulder before agreeing.

Jake is visibly nervous to meet so many of the brothers at the same time, seeming tense and giving short replies to a beginning, but once he relaxes, Julian is fully prepared to agree with his sister - Jake is funny. He’s genuine, a natural in conversations, and he chimes in with the jokes or comments no one else would think of. He’s effortlessly nice, almost remembers every different brother’s name, and it’s clear that he meets the most obligatory criteria; he makes Amy happier than Julian’s seen her in a long time. She’s almost shining, grinning and laughing and watching her boyfriend with a gaze so enamored it would have made Julian nauseous if it had been anyone else. He later catches Jake looking at her in the exact same way.

The new couple sticks together for the duration of the evening, never leaving each other’s side for more than a couple minutes. It doesn’t even seem like they’re thinking of it but simply gravitate towards each other without a second thought, seeming displaced once the other one leaves. Julian watches them share secret smiles, looks and squeezes of hands without having a clue what the two of them are communicating, only that they seem to be checking in with each other, speaking a sort of private language. It’s all kinds of cheesy and it’s all the lovey-dovey-ness he can stomach for a day when he can see them kiss through the window the moment they’ve left, but he loves his sister, so he lets her be. He’s happy for her.

NOVEMBER 2017

Because Julian now follows Charles Boyle on Instagram, he finds out about the engagement through an excessive number of insta-stories the moment he wakes up on November 1st, 2017. Amy doesn’t answer her phone for a full three hours after Julian’s first tried to reach her (he does not want to know why), but when she does, she facetimes him on his lunch break to show off the ring and tell the slightly insane story of how the proposal went down. 

The proposal follows almost immediately upon Jake’s release from prison. Even before that, the couple had already spent six months apart while he was in witness protection and Amy told all her brothers they were broken up but whispered the truth into Julian’s ear late at night after a couple of glasses of wine. From the stories Amy’s told him, he’s wondered more than once how many more brutal hurdles this couple will have to face, and it’s with great happiness he congratulates her on the engagement. She deserves this. Jake deserves this, they deserve this, and he couldn’t be happier for them.

“So I win the craziest engagement for the year,” Amy brags when she’s told him everything, and Julian has to agree that she does. Then he starts sketching up plans for a private two-person heist he can surprise Lucas with. 

MAY 2018

Julian isn’t at his sister’s wedding. He was going to be, thank you very much, he wasn’t intending to miss it, but apparently, nothing’s ever simple in his sister’s life and a bomb threat interrupts the planned event and sends every member of the Santiago family back to their respective homes and hotel rooms. The actual wedding, he learns, takes place outside their precinct with the couple’s colleagues and a few gawking New Yorkers as witnesses, while the real family has to be happy with an impromptu dinner at a nearby restaurant the next day. 

It's a chaotic dinner. Luis, Christian’s and Isaac’s kids are spilling food and getting overtired, Roger Peralta and Victor are massaging their own shoulders while shooting each other threatening looks, Simon’s filming and there is definitely a hint of competition to every toast held by the bride and groom’s parents. Still, it's pleasant, and there is laughter and smiles all around when the just-married couple tells the story of how their wedding day went down. 

They're almost sickeningly in love, Julian notes, acting like they're part of their own private universe where they can finish each other's sentences and give each other glances that he supposes are meant to be secretive but definitely isn't. They were only a couple of minutes early to the dinner - late in Santiago measurements - and the buttons on Jake’s shirt were clearly buttoned in a haste. Julian loves his little sister and all, but he did not need to think about that image of her.

In the end, he's happy if she's happy, and just-married Amy is by far the happiest Amy he's seen in his life. She barely listens when he tells her he and Lucas are leaving, watching Jake with googly heart-eyes as he's telling Tony some story and glancing back at Amy about every tenth second. 

It's what she deserves. As much as he doubts any man could ever be good enough for her, the way Jake watches Amy with awe every time she speaks is everything Julian could ever wish for his sister.

Interesting (imo ofc) parallel between Diego and Vanya: both are angry/bitter/resentful bc of their upbringing and while I’d say Diego is more obviously verbally aggressive, they both lash out at their siblings, but Diego attacks others (most notably Luther) to shine light on their abuse, when Vanya attacks others she usually glosses over their own abuse and trauma to highlight her own (a la “you couldn’t handle that Dad might find me special!”)

That is an interesting parallel that I hadn’t noticed before, honestly.

I think their difference in behavior comes in large part from how they see their pasts. Diego was raised in the Academy while Vanya was mostly at the periphery of it; and while it seems clear that Vanya knew at least the basics of what her siblings endured, we know she thought her own exclusion was worse. There are a number of reasons for this, and I’ve touched on some of them before—she thought they were more favored, she may have accepted a somewhat sanitized view of their pain, she may have decided whatever pain they endured was worth the glory of being in the Academy—but the important thing is that Vanya saw herself as the least favorite and the most abused. Maybe there wasn’t a chance for her to unlearn this as a child, since we see her siblings do exclude her on the security tapes; but she squandered her chance to unlearn it as an adult when she chose to mostly cut ties with them. Her book alone—and her lack of remorse for writing it—is evidence enough that she hasn’t let go of the notion that she had it the worst as a kid and that her siblings’ suffering can’t even compare.

Diego, on the other hand, was in the Academy from the beginning. He endured verbal abuse and constant negative comparisons to his brother, but he also saw that what he went through wasn’t unique. It was different from what Luther endured, and not the same at all as what Klaus was put through, but unlike Vanya, I don’t think Diego ever believed he was the only one who suffered. I do think he remained bitter toward his siblings for a good long while, and he probably spent some years believing he had it worse than anyone simply because his suffering was different. But unlike Vanya, he didn’t cut ties with his siblings. Not completely, and not forever. He definitely went low-contact, and I think he maintained that for at least the first year; but I also think he eventually re-established contact with Klaus. We see him listening to a police scanner to find crimes to stop before police can arrive, and Klaus speaks of his work as a vigilante as if he’s witnessed the bloody aftermath firsthand. I wouldn’t be surprised if Diego kept one ear on that scanner listening for any mention of a junkie matching Klaus’ description so he could make sure to beat the police there and keep his brother out of trouble. And if that were indeed what he did, I think those glimpses into Klaus’ life would have changed his thinking toward him, taking his thoughts from Oh my god, my brother spends his entire day getting high, why is he such a loser  to My brother is in deep shit.

In the years following Ben’s death and preceding Reginald’s, it seems Vanya avoided her siblings as much as possible. They all moved in different circles, which probably helped keep them separate. And I think this separation made it easier for Vanya to go over what she’d endured, compare it to what her siblings endured, and decide, again and again, that she had it worse than anyone. Memory isn’t a recording of an event; it’s an individual’s impression of it as seen through the lens of emotion. I don’t think her memories of her time at the Academy ever became wildly inaccurate, but I do think they twisted a bit. We see it when she’s walking through the Academy, hallucinating her siblings telling her she’s not welcome. She sees each instance as one where she’s cruelly rejected from the family dynamic; but the only moment that fits this description is when Reginald refuses to let her be in the family photo. All the others are rude, to be sure, but nothing out of the ordinary for siblings who have been interrupted. Ben’s “To go on a mission, you have to have a power” is definitely blunt, but it’s also a statement of fact. Yet because Vanya remembers her siblings as willful tormentors who hated her for something beyond her control, she sees each of these encounters as far, far more sinister than her siblings likely intended them to be. In isolation from her siblings, Vanya seems to have built up an entire story where she is constantly victimized by a father and siblings who want to hurt her with every word and deed—a story she eventually shared with the world.

Diego, on the other hand, might have had contact at least with Klaus, as I mentioned. But even if he didn’t, I think he took stock of his childhood, much like Vanya did. I think he relived some memories, and I think he went over conversations in his mind. None of that made him any less angry—if anything, it seems to have left him even more bitter than he was as a kid—but where Vanya used her memories to reinforce the story she’d always told herself, Diego used his to challenge that narrative. Maybe he went over one of a dozen conversations where Luther defended Reginald, and instead of focusing only on how he’d felt in that moment, he started to wonder—okay, Luther had just gone through something that left him broken and quiet; he wouldn’t say what it was, but why the fuck would he defend the guy who put him through that? Is this like those times when Dad yelled at me until I cried and then yelled at me for crying, and I walked away feeling like I’d done something wrong? His resentment toward Luther seems to have remained steady through the years, but there’s sympathy present too—sympathy that I don’t think existed in their childhood and teen years.

He and Vanya are still both very resentful toward their siblings; and in Diego’s case, I’d wager his resentment is strongest toward those he believes had it better than he did—Allison, Luther, and Vanya. Ben is dead; it seems his dislike of Five is based more on personality clashes; and he’s protective and even somewhat kind toward Klaus. But with Luther, that resentment takes on a different tone. They’re still bitter rivals, and they lash out at each other on more than one occasion. But when Diego dishes out verbal abuse on Allison and Vanya, there is no purpose beyond reminding them of something they did wrong or making them feel less than. It’s meant to point to their own wrongdoings and rub their faces in it. But when he verbally abuses Luther, all or most of that abuse (which I might track one day in a different meta) points back to Reginald. Some of it points more directly (“He turned you into a monster”) while some is more circumspect (“At least I make my own decisions”) but when he reminds Luther of his own inadequacies, he often seems to hint that Reginald is at the root of them. He holds Allison and Vanya responsible for their own failings, but he tries to get Luther to see that Reginald is the cause of all his problems. I don’t think he likes Luther at this point, and I think he has a lot of unresolved anger toward him; but I think he’s at least beginning to see him as a product of his environment, rather than as someone who was just awful right from the cradle.

Vanya also takes multiple opportunities to point to the failings of her siblings, most often Allison. But this verbal abuse is more akin to what Diego dishes out on her and Allison. It’s personal. It’s sometimes condescending and sometimes acerbic, but I don’t think she ever uses it to point back to Reginald as the ultimate villain. The only instance I can remember where she brings Reginald into it at all is when she gaslights Allison after her confession: “You couldn’t handle the fact that Dad might find ME special!” In that case, it’s crystal clear that Reginald was the villain; but in Vanya’s account, he is transformed into a henchman, acting in service to Allison’s pettiness and jealousy. Diego might remind his siblings of things they’ve done wrong, flinging it in their faces when he wants to take the upper hand; but he calls attention to their actions without ascribing motive.

I’m not saying Diego’s verbal abuse is right, and I’m not saying it’s justified or remotely okay simply because he uses it to point to Reginald as the one to hate or because he doesn’t exaggerate or gaslight the way Vanya does. I’m not defending his abuse at all. It would have been far more productive and kind for him to try and sit down with Luther, clear the air with whatever apologies or explanations might be necessary, and then steer the conversation toward Reginald and how he’d come to realize their childhood was abusive, fucked up, and something that’s going to take years to recover from. What he does instead is childish, abusive, and absolutely wrong on nearly every level. He’s trying to make things better, but what he chooses to do makes things even worse. But at the same time, he’s recognized that he wasn’t the only one who had it rough, and he knows that Luther is going to need help to see what he sees. When he lashes out at Luther, this belief that they both suffered and that Luther just needs to see it—that is what guides his actions. Vanya is still stuck in the belief that her suffering was far greater than anyone else in that house could even imagine, and her treatment of her siblings is guided by this belief. She doesn’t need to help them see that they were abused. To her mind, they were hardly abused at all in comparison to what she went through. Therefore, while Diego tries to get Luther to see something about himself, Vanya’s only goal is to get her siblings to see something about her. 

Shipping Calculus! Live Updates from C2E61!

The week of…missed opportunities? Setup for future romance? It feels like some threads have been left dangling, hearts held suspended, and points do best with closure. We’ll see what happens in the following weeks. Masterpost here.

From Viewers Like You: Our fourth Battle Scene Intern has been guillotined for missing an additional +2 to Fjord/Caduceus for Fjord loving Bane (as do we all) and an additional +4 to Beau/Yasha for Yasha’s jaw dropping at Beau’s holy fists

But now for this week. Without further ado…

+2 (??????????????) to Beau/Yasha. The +2 is for Beau hearkening back to the Birth of Beauyasha and getting Yasha to very happily pick her up and use her as a stage (Body Contact!). The rest of the attempted point gains were rendered impotent—Beau begins a necessary dialogue about Yasha being a survivor which falls on unwilling ears, and there are point losses for Yasha brazenly lying to Beau (and the rest, but Beau was the one asking) about what she was up to the previous night. Just wanted to get a lay of the land? Just wanted to go outside and see some things? This girl is not ready to open up, poor thing.

+3 (???????????????) to Fjord/Caleb as Fjord also channels Yasha’s dream-lying energy at Caleb, who just wanted to know if he was okay. But perhaps it’s proof of compatibility that Caleb responds by also lying about totally being asleep. Point loss for Fjord and Caleb for separate reasons being very against Fjord accompanying him and Beau to the Marble Tomes Conservatory. Point gain for bothering Fjord with Frumpkin, because that cat is the avatar of Caleb’s affection—being in Frumpkin’s mere presence will gain you points if you’re careful with them. Caleb also generally being a worrywart in Fjord’s direction, all “Are you able to make the trip back?” and “Is your friend a god? IS UK’OTOA A GOD PLEASE ANSWER FJORD”

+6 (???????????????) to Jester/Fjord as Fjord channels his Magic Enthusiasm in her direction, complimenting her scrying all “that was impressive” and asking her a billion and one questions about how it all worked and also was she SAFE, was she SEEN while doing it? Jester giving Wursh the Stare of Doom because you will suffer if you aren’t nice to Fjord, and agreeing that Fjord has a very good heart. Fjord pretending he doesn’t know what’s going on with the Bodo skit which is a transparent lie, he absolutely does know, because he advocated for it in the first place before he was cast. And Fjord is all agreeable “I’ll follow your lead” until Caleb gets +5 to Cockblocking by making it a group thing, which all of a sudden seems “excessive” to Fjord, Mr. Pro Embarrassing Bodo In The Most Extreme Way Possible. Points not really gained for the performance itself, as in spite of Nott’s attempted Wingman, Jester does not kiss Fjord. He said he would follow her lead though. He said. Points taken away for Fjord point blank refusing to convert to the Traveler (I thought you LIKED religion now, Fjord) and calling the idea of following Jester instead a “pyramid scheme.” Fjord…

+10 to Beau/Avantika as Beau continues to gross and creep out absolutely everyone with her fixation on wearing this dead pirate woman’s clothing and being very grossly pleased that said clothing “still smells like her” like dear god, they should have just let Beau sleep with the woman from the beginning, this is unbearable and disturbing.

-50 to Fjord/Uk’otoa Which needs no explanation. Uk’otoa is a bitch.

+9 to Caleb/Jester as Caleb is perhaps an even bigger fan of the embarrassing pornographic show than Beau and Jester, going wayyy over the top in his spellwork and with his Announcer Voice and dancing around for this event. He did turn himself into one of the Bodos to match with Jester’s Lorna, and channels Beau Shipping Energy when he offers to not become a disciple to the Traveler, but a disciple to Jester. Is one of the people most willing to defend the Traveler in general and believes Jester’s account of him—though he’s also a worrywart in her direction about the upcoming TravelerCon. Jester and Caleb getting cute over how she could scry on him at any time (is Jester channeling Scanlan Shipping Energy? Gods forbid), and a lot of smiling at Jester’s new outfit. Jester, for her part, being extremely interested in Caleb’s measurements. “Good to know!” she sings, and if we’re lucky one of these days she is going to get a fancy dress tailor made for the wizard.

+9 to  Beau/Jester as Beau pulls Jester aside specially to confess all her nerdy shenanigans to. Wanting to hold onto the fabric, but then trusting Jester with it, because she’s Jester. Being more effusive than Fjord even in her praise of Jester’s scrying. As usual being a perfect chaos causing partner and on Jester’s wavelength with comedic porn, also getting a +4 to Beau/Dramatic Reading as she narrates Bodo’s letter for all the mine workers to hear. Jester being distressed that Beau woke up after her massage, she was supposed to sleep and relax!! Fond reminiscing over how great that day was when Beau was nearly strangled to death by a rug (???) Point loss for Beau implying that the Traveler may have been manipulating Jester into friendship by “appearing” as a child to befriend.

+4 (??????????????) to Fjord/Self Acceptance as he pretty easily rolls with Nott’s “half a man” jibes (because he is literally half man) with a “that’s true” and also chilling out about Wursh’s earlier “runt” comment, saying it’s “apt,” considering the company he was in.

+6 (??????????????) to Caleb/Caduceus as Caleb aims a very specific kind of smile in Caduceus’ direction when Caduceus says “I thought I’d wait until evening to start bending the laws of reality and nature.” Now who else do we know that likes bending reality??? More smiles while suggesting Caduceus do the Thaumaturgy for Beau—and Caduceus was chosen to be one of the Lornas in the play, after all. Caleb also very emphatically getting the withering staff for Caduceus but more importantly going nuts for the blade (presumably also for Caduceus) despite the Attempted Cockblocking from Beau and Nott, who sort of thought gems might be a little better than a broken blade if they could get tats out of them.

-1 to the M9/Professor Waccoh (including Beau) Stop squeezing her balls, guys! Despite Caleb’s attempts at damage control, multiple failed attempts to negotiate additional favors and reading time from her left her in a bit of a mood by the time they left. Yet that mood could not possibly match the black pit of despair that was Caleb after another -5 to Caleb/Books.

+10 to Caleb/Cat Shaped Creatures for epic Cat Person animal handling to get Jannick back (and scritch him under the chin, of course)

+4 to Caleb/The Zemnian Struggle because “granularly” is really fucking hard to pronounce in Common. He must instead use some circumlocution, that mainstay of second language learner existence.

+5 to Jester/Yasha for HUGS and Jester pointing out that Yasha seems to have kind of an aggressive god down her throat. Immediately after Fjord suggests revenge, suggesting they murder Yasha’s entire tribe in retaliation for what happened to Zuala. Jester will throw hands with ANYONE who messes with Yasha, whether it be god or man.

+15 to Nott/Yeza she takes him on library dates and carries him across the threshold! Yeza’s perpetual worries over Luke and terror with their situation sort of puts a damper on things though, and Yeza himself gets +10 to Cockblocking because he’s always fucking asleep when Nott wants to bone.

+10 to Nott/Jester because up until Fjord entered the picture, Jester was all about simulating sex with Nott in public. And Nott is also all about that, until Straight Brain kicks in and she tries to get Fjord in as a replacement. But!! Nott is still crushed to Jester’s bosom in the play. Nott also saying she’s interested in meeting the Traveler!!! She and Beau are now neck and neck for Most Likely To Convert For Love, seems like.

+25 to Nott the Best Detective Agency/Detective Work for Jester’s clutch scrying spell and perception in finding out about the Crawling King (assisted by partners Beau and Caleb). Nott’s detectively instinct in following the case above to the exclusion of all else, wanting to “Figure out what the fuck is going on” before leaving the Dynasty, like the mystery addict she is. If you continue to dangle cases in front of her, she’ll never leave. Nott and Jester do not actually gain points for so quickly hopping on conspiracy trains about horses having Zadash accents and all of the memory gaps in half of the party being connected, but they are good at brainstorming together, nonetheless.

+2 to Fjord/Detective Work for finding the Overcrow, when Caduceus failed to lead another exploring session. Point loss for failing to convince the proprietor to divulge additional secrets, even though she had a very obvious crush on him. (+0 to Fjord/Moira also). 

-5 to Caduceus/Every Single NPC as coming off of the high of the Giant Situation the man grows too complacent and is too distracted by the proper placement of his hands to properly sweet talk passerby into telling him the right direction to go.

+35 to Essik/Being Extra because when you’re a magical prodigy, apparently you are Too Awesome for rain to dare touch, and common ground is unworthy of being trod upon by your feet.

+2 to Jester/Essik for snagging a hug from the most Extra of the Dynasty’s wizards, with sheer force of personality.

+1 to Jester/Wursh for continuing to be LOUDLY appreciative of the man’s abs

-10 to Fjord/Splitting the Party as he tries half a billion separate times throughout the day to be alone, and is thwarted every time. Is not allowed to roam freely even after he dodges the library trip, is tailed by Yasha when he tries to leave the apothecary front gracefully, is watched over by Caduceus when the rest go into Wursh’s shop, preventing him from fleeing the scene.

+3 to Fjord/Caduceus as Caduceus is Fjord’s first instinct with Mask of Many Faces. Not many point gains from the epic stink eye of suspicion Caduceus aims in Fjord’s direction at his off kilter behavior and accent slippage. However, making use of the romantic force that is Fjord to acquire what turns out to be lube from an apothecary?

+10 to Yasha/Revenge “Well, I think about that every day” says this soft and gentle barbarian of theirs. “That sounds like a lot of fun,” she says, at the thought of butchering the entire tribe for what was done to her and Zuala.

+2 to Caduceus/Free Will as he’s apparently one of those compatibilists who believe in destiny/determinism and free will at the same time. Maybe. Who knows what goes on in his head.

+10 to Fjord/Visual Metaphor. What’s the saying? A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush? That’s sort of Fjord’s entire life, in that one illusion.

-30 to Caduceus/Clarity. When even your deity, the being that knows you better than most others in this world can’t understand what you’re saying, you have a problem.

Ooooooh Levi!

Waking up, Eren felt more refreshed than he could remember having felt for a long time. There was a small amount of pain in his feet and hands, but that might have been from the fact he'd had to walk home the previous night... yawning widely, the teen stretched as he opened his eyes, before promptly having a miniature heart attack. This wasn't his room. This wasn't his bed... and oh fuck... his eyes widened in guilt as they landed on Erwin and Levi "Good morning, Eren" Erwin's stare was scary, and Eren knew he was about to be yelled at "Good morning, sirs" Opening his mouth, Eren flinched in preparation for the harsh words "Well done" It took him a few moments to realise what Erwin had said, cautiously he opened his eyes again "You're not going to yell at me?" "Do you want me to yell at you?" "I... what? No... but... I shifted" "You did. You were also unaccounted for, for 15 hours, before walking through the front gates and collapsing" "I..." "What Shitty Eyebrows is trying to say is, you're not in trouble for your actions" "I'm not in trouble? I don't understand" "Your actions prevented the deaths of multiple Survey Corps members. We underestimated the danger as werewolves hadn't been seen in such great numbers around these parts for the past few years. We lost 17 good soldiers, but by all accounts, the numbers would have been much higher if not for your actions. From us, you will not be facing disciplinary action" "But... why? I broke the rules. I shifted under Eld's instructions" "With Levi injured, Eld made the correct call" His heart was racing. He'd... he'd saved people? Even if he couldn't remember it? "Eren?" "I'm... in shock" Levi snorted "You're also stinking up my bed. You slept through the entirety of yesterday" "Oh shit! Sorry, sir... wait. Olou! How is he? Did they get him back here in time? How's Petra? And Mike's team..." "Olou is still in a serious condition. Hanji doesn't know which way it will go. The rest of the squad Levi and squad Mike are all present and accounted for" "Oh thank god" Drawing his knees up, Eren pushed the heels of his palms against his eyes, fighting back his tears of relief "I just wanted to protect them all so badly" "You did. News of your... adventure has already reached the Capital. Too many people saw you to suppress it. I honestly can't say what their ruling will be, given how many werewolves you took out, they shouldn't be too harsh" "I... how many?" "Roughly 35 of small to medium build" 35... that... it would have been an accomplish if he'd actually been in his human form "And another 3, 7 meter plus with assistance" He wasn't even that tall... how the... right, assistance "Hanji has requested she be made known when you awake" "Ok... I... still don't know what to say" "That's obvious. Erwin, I think you've scared him enough. Brat, you stink. Get in the shower while I air the room" "Right. Sorry, sir" Holy shit... he'd slept in Levi's bed and Levi hadn't killed him in his sleep... no wonder he felt so well rested... no. No. No. Not going there. Levi made his feelings very clear before, just because he'd been praised, he shouldn't let it make him so ridiculously happy! On pained feet, Eren walked through to Levi's bathroom, feeling every bit as filthy as he was. His body was smeared in blood and mud... and other stuff he didn't even want to think about. Climbing into the shower, Eren melted under the warmth of the water. Communal showers never got this warm. The communal showers were also never this quite, not since meeting Isabel. Scrubbing down with Levi's soap, Eren struggled to keep his thoughts "pure", his body was smothered in Levi's scent, slick beginning to run down his thighs. Fuck... nope. He wasn't going to jerk off in Levi's shower. He'd never live it down! Wrenching the taps off, he stumbled back out the shower, snagging the first towel he saw, before storming from the bathroom, and ignoring Levi as he marched through Levi's bedroom, Levi calling out something about leaving shitty water across his floor. It didn't matter. Between Levi seeing him half hard, and Levi yelling at him over a wet floor. He definitely knew what he preferred. Diving into his bed Eren gathered his blankets over his shameless crotch, before snatching his pillow up and burying his face in it. Out of everyone in the world, why did have to have a thing for Levi?! Right... his wolf side. This was nothing... nothing at all... "Oi, shitty brat! What the fuck was that?! Are you seriously trying to smother yourself?" Shrieking, Eren ripped his face away from his pillow, mortified by the sound from his lips "Brat?" "Sorry, sir... could you please leave" Levi looked ready to laugh, Eren's voice ridiculously shrill. Covering his mouth, Levi half turned "Sure. Hanji's on her way up. You might want to take care of that before she gets here" Pointing straight at his crotch, Eren's hands moved on their own, trying to recover some shred of... of something... "Oh, hey Hanji. You might want to give the kid a minute. He's got his hands full" Darting into the room, Levi finally let out that small laugh as Hanji plopped herself down on his bed "Have fun" Never had ever wanted to punch Levi as much as he did right now "Uh, is now alright? You look a little flushed" Why had he walked home? He should have just let the werewolves eat him "H-hormones" "Oh, you have nothing to be embarrassed about. You're a perfectly teenage boy" "Haaaaanji" "Alright. I know how embarrassing it must be. Buuuut, was it because of Levi?" Eren spluttered, Hanji cackling "I'm sorry. I'm teasing. Anyway, Erwin said your hands and feet still haven't healed" "It's just splinters" "You have no idea how worried I was when you didn't come back with the others" "I'm sorry, Hanji. I don't really remember what happened" "You saved a lot of people, that's all that matters. Now, give me your hands" Having Hanji pull splinters from his feet and hands while slicking was not his idea of fun, but as Hanji babbled on about how many soldiers wanted to thank him. It was awkward and super weird, but now he was accepted? Who knew going crazy would actually be for his benefit? "Eren, are you alright?" "I'm fine. Are you nearly done?" "I've been done for the past few minutes. Want to tell me what you're thinking?" "I... it's just weird. You're telling me people want to thank me. Even Erwin didn't yell at me for shifting" "I know Erwin seems harsh, but that's only because of his position. He has to act like he doesn't care, but each and every member of the Survey Corps means a lot to him. You prevented a lot more people being hurt or dying, and you even got Olou to help" "How is he?" "He lost a lot of blood, but he's hanging on. Petra has been by his side since she returned" "And I guess there's no need to ask about Levi" "He twisted his knee, but he was healed within a few hours of returning" "So that's what happened" A twisted knee wasn't so bad... not as bad as all the mental images he'd conjured "Hanji, I think something happened when I shifted" "What kind of something?" "Well... I... I wanted to protect everyone, and when I saw Levi was hurt... I don't remember what happened next" "You don't remember?" "No... I don't. What's wrong with me?" "Nothing's wrong with you. Wanting to protect everyone is admirable" "But I couldn't remember. I wanted too hurt whatever hurt... my squad" "Hmmm... for now, I'll have a little think about it all and get back to you. Given your hands and feet are healed, go ahead and get dressed. You need to eat, and funnily enough, so do I" Hanji sat there, staring at him expectantly "Hanji, I'm not getting dressed in front of you" "Oh! Right! Silly me. I'll just pop my head in and check on Levi. Feel free to rush" "Aren't I supposed to take my time?" "I'm super hungry, so no" Being suddenly popular was confusing. Way too many people wanted to talk to him, including people he didn't even know, and people who'd treated him like he didn't even exist... and it was exhausting. By lunch time he'd been forced to talk too so many people that he was now hiding... in his wolf form... and under Hanji's desk, which Hanji had found it hilarious. It was nice not be to hated, but his hormones couldn't handle all the scents of everyone talking to him, and there was only so many times he could take being told he smelt like a wet dog, even when the words were softened with a slight giggle. Being hated was easier. * Squatting down by Hanji's desk, Levi sighed at Eren. The boy looked pathetic with his ears flat and tail tucked up between his legs "Hanji said you were hiding in here. I think you and I need to talk" Eren huffed, crawling across the floor on his stomach until he could sit up properly "I want to talk about Isabel" Shifting back, Eren nodded, a frown on the boys pouty lips "I didn't mean to upset you. Hanji explained she was special" "She... I didn't have a lot of friends, but her and Falran were more like family" "I know how that feels" "I'd already been alone for a long time before they came along, but it was surprising how close we got. Because of me, Isabel and Farlan died, and now you tell me you've been talking to Isabel. How am I supposed accept that?" "I didn't realise she wasn't human... she just always seemed so happy when she talked about you, and I was confused over why she was never around" "You didn't realise she wasn't human?" "It's not my fault. I didn't know ghosts were even a thing. How are they a thing?!" "You're a Lycan, wondering why ghosts are real?" "Werewolves are a common thing" He had him there. It was on the tip of Levi's tongue to assure Eren there were a great many things out there they didn't understand, instead he shook his head "Do you think you can show me?" "Show you?" "I've been here a lot longer than you have, but I've never seen her" "Hanji said it was 'cause of my wolf side" "In other words, she really has no idea?" "Pretty much. I'm still really sorry. I never meant to pry. Ok, I meant to pry, but we all have memories we'd all keep in the past" "No. I overreacted. I'll give you a moment to get ready, then we'll go see Isabel" Not that actually believed Isabel was a ghost, but if she was, he needed to see it for himself. Evicting the few soldiers in the showers, Levi leant against the doorway, waiting for Eren to do whatever he did. The kid was standing there, looking like he was about to faint "So, is she there?" "Yeah... she's laughing because you don't believe in ghosts" "What the hell's she doing here?" "She couldn't leave you alone" "Tch. Seriously?" "She said you'd always been alone and you save her, so she wanted to be there for you. But you never noticed her" "How am I supposed to see a ghost?" "Don't asks me. I don't know how this work. Isabel says the same" "Well can't she like move on? Or whatever ghosts do?" Eren blushed bright red "What did she say?" "Uh... I wonder if there's some way she can actually talk to you" "Just spit it out" "She... enjoys perving on everyone. And says you should probably stop messing around in the shower" "Isabel. Seriously!" So much for not having an audience... Wait. Did Isabel actually... oh fuck... there was a pause before Eren started laughing, nodding to whatever Isabel was saying "Isabel! Pass on already!" "She's just laughing now. This really isn't working. She reckons she's got gossip on everyone" "It's her fault for spying on things she didn't need to be" "Isabel, shhh. Seriously. I don't need to know this!" "What's she saying now?" He still had absolutely no evidence she existed... Eren was at the age where he randomly blurted out things and popped random boners, like he did that morning, stinking out bathroom with the scent of honey... and blood "Eren?" Turning on the spot Eren's eyes were wide, the smile on his face huge as tears welled in his eyes "Big Brother!" Launching himself on him, Eren nuzzled against his neck. The kid still smelt like himself, confusing his senses. He'd held Eren before, but never had the kid throwing himself at him so happily and willingly... no. This wasn't Eren... "Big Brother! How could you not notice me?" "I-Isabel?" "The one and only! Oh, I've missed you. How are you?! I mean, I know how you are! I've seen everything... but wow! I'm so hungry!" Levi clamped his hand over Er-Isabel's mouth before she could start ruining his hearing with that insult she called singing "Isabel, did Eren say you could do this?" Biting his hand, Isabel's smile didn't falter in the slightest as she darted from his hold "Yep! He's such a sweetie... I can see why you like him" "You mean "You can see why you like him"" "He's a good kid. He's so much like you. Does he know about your little drinking problem?" "No. Why would I tell him?" "Because he likes you! And it would make him feel better. It would make you both feel better. I worry about you big brother" "You have nothing to worry about" "Because you didn't sleep with Erwin? Erwin really likes you" Did everything she said have to be in the same teasing tone? Especially from Eren's lips... it was more than a little weird... if she stayed in one place for long enough, he could see her features overlaying Eren's, but Isabel had always had a problem with staying still "I didn't sleep with Erwin" "Eren thinks you did" "I... he... what?" "Well you did go all blood crazy. I'm not surprised if you don't remember. And Erwin doesn't like Eren all that much, though he does want to confine Eren" "Isabel. What are you even saying? "Oh. Right. Well. Eren really likes you. He looks up to you, and Erwin doesn't like that. You probably don't remember, but when you went all..." She paused to claw his hands and bare her teeth as she growled "You fully tried to attack him" "Isabel, I have no idea what you've been imagining, but no. Things aren't like that between Erwin and I" "I've see him. Even when you haven't. Did you know he's just as bad as Underground filth? He thinks about you, when he..." "I do not need to be hearing this from you..." "I'm just saying" "No, you're letting your imagination get the better of you. Seriously. How are you even here?" "I have no idea... I remember what happened, then I was waking up here. I mean, not exactly here. I was in my quarters, but no one could see me" "And you didn't think of trying to find a way to tell us you were here?" "I did! You have no idea what it's been like. You know, the only good thing about the showers is all the bad singing" "Seriously? Couldn't you have travelled? You could have seen the whole world" "Nope. I can't go further than the castle walls. But it's not all bad... I got to meet Eren" "He's a Lycan" "So? You're a vampire and I'm ghost" "He's also my subordinate" "You like him. I know you like him. You're allowed to be happy" "I have too much blood on my hands for that" "You're not the only one. Eren spent hours trying to get over killing that woman, and you didn't even tell him she was a vampire. You might as well admit it, he loves you and you love him" "Isabel, I swear to god. I'll kill you all over again" "No you won't. Hey, can we go eat? I mean... it's been a while" "It's still the same shitty rations" "I don't care. Do you remember how good everything taste when we first got here? We didn't have to fight or kill, and Hanji gave me cookies" "Hanji is a giant pain in my arse" "Eren could take that spot" "Isabel!" Er-Isabel snickered "Let me have my fun" "Not at Eren's expense. You're currently in his body" "I always wondered what it would be like to be a guy..." "No. Don't go touching Eren's body. One meal, then you're out" "And you could be in" Gripping Eren's arm, he pulled the brat towards the door "Hey! You're going to bruise him. I know you like it rough..." "Being a ghost has perverted you. No more talking like that" "Aww, why not? It's coming from Eren's lips. Should I say "Oh Levi?", I could pout" "Do it and I'll murder you a hundred times over" "Oh Levi. My big strong partner... Levi, yes, Levi!" He was praying Eren wouldn't remember a word of this, and that he'd wake up and find this was all a dream. "Hanji!" Running from his side, Eren threw his arms around Hanji. Squeezing her hard enough for the woman to squeak before Er-Isabel released her "Nice to see you too... Eren?" "Isabel" "You're what? Isabel?! How? How is this possible?" "I don't know, but don't encourage her. She's agreed to leave his body after she has something to eat" "This is so weird. Is it really you, Isabel?" "Yep! I'm sorry big brother is such a pain" "It's Eren's lips moving and his voice... but I never thought I'd hear him say something like that" "Because it's Isabel" "You should have seen his face when I started moaning his name" Hanji doubled over laughing "I wish I'd seen that" "I told you not to encourage her" "But Levi, she could say anything!" "That's the problem" "Isabel, we should talk. Levi, can you go get Isabel something to eat?" "Cookies please!" "Isabel, I don't think we have any" "Fine. Something sweet then?" "I'll see what I can do" Why was he readily agreeing to feed a ghost?! Eating was disgusting, yet it was the only thing she wanted? Erwin definitely couldn't find out about this... ghosts... it sounded like a shitty book. Having not found anything sweet other fruit, Levi had peeled and cored a few apples and oranges, not bothering to arrange them nicely on the plate. Letting himself into Hanji's office, he found Isabel and Hanji howling with laughter, and had no doubt it was at his expense "Big Brother... oh my gosh... Hanji is so much fun" "I brought you fruit. We didn't have anything sweet" "I don't really care... I just wanted to have one more meal with you" An uncontrollable lump formed in Levi's throat at Isabel's earnest words. Sliding off their desk, Hanji gave Isabel a quick hug "It was nice to see you again, Isabel" "Thank you, Hanji. And thank you being such a good friend to Levi" "He's in good hands Isabel" "Between you and Eren, I have nothing to worry about" "You have plenty to worry about. They're two biggest air heads I know" "I love you too, Levi" Isabel giggled. Which actually sounded beautiful from Eren's lips. Taking the spot Hanji had vacated Levi placed the plate of fruit down in front of Isabel "Do you really not know how you got here?" "No. Hanji asked the same thing, and wanted to take some blood samples..." "Of course she did..." "I know Eren doesn't like needles that much, so I said no" "He doesn't? He gets hurt enough that he should be used to them by now" "You didn't see what they put him through. Big Brother, it was horrible. They cut him open just because they could" "I know" "You don't. You think you do, but you don't. He was so lonely when he first got here. And all he wanted to do was help everyone..." "Isabel, these are things Eren probably doesn't want me knowing" "So? He told me about them. He really respects you, that's why he worked so hard at everything he did" "You're saying it like I didn't notice" "Did you?" "Of course I noticed. He's not exactly hard to miss" Popping a slice of apple in her mouth, Isabel moaned "I've missed food, soooo much" "You should have tried harder to talk to me" "I did! I played with your taps. I wrote on your windows. I rearranged all your paper work, I even tried hanging off you, but you never noticed" "I'm sorry. And I'm sorry you ended up like this. It was my fault. I never should have left you" "It wasn't your fault. None of us knew how the day was going to play out, and I've seen how much you've suffered over it. Big Brother, you have no idea how happy you made me, and made Farlan. We weren't related by blood, but you were family. We were a family" "Izzy..." "I love you big brother. And I know this is really weird, but I'm happy I got to talk to you like this" "Yeah. You're not too annoying when you're not talking about Eren" "We would have been awesome friends. He's so funny" "I don't think I've seen him... funny" "That's because you don't listen to him. You're too busy trying to put space between you and him" "He's a brat" "Who's been through more than most of the soldiers here. You are allowed to be happy. You deserve to be happy. No matter, Eren is going to accept you. He cries for you. Not like that, but in his sleep sometimes, or in his heat. Did you even know he had his birthday? He's already 16 and no one did anything. His friends were all out with Mike, so he lied and said your team did something so they wouldn't feel bad" "Why didn't he tell us?" "He didn't want to be a burden... anyway. The next heat he has, don't make him go through it alone. He hurts so much" "I... I'll think about it" "Thank you, Big Bro. I'm proud to be your sister" "And I'm proud of you, Isabel. I never told you enough, and then you were just... gone" Finishing another slice of apple, Isabel wrapped her arms around him "Thank you" Pushing a not so sibling like kiss to his lips, Eren slumped against him. It was a strange sensation, but he swore he felt the moment Isabel left Eren. Holding the boy tightly, after moving his lips from his, Levi found himself breaking down, crying softly again Eren. There were a million and one things he wished he'd thought to ask her, but hopefully now she could have moved on, and finally found the peace she deserved.

Excerpt from The Story of the Seven: Reconstructed, an archival initiative seeking to recreate Madame Lucretia’s original notes with as much accuracy as possible. The following has been compiled by comparing post-Story accounts from dozens of dedicated chroniclers, with oversight from Madame Lucretia and the available members of the Starblaster’s crew. 

Excerpt begins 

Cycle 36, day 6

     We’ve finally found a sign of civilization, as well as plausible evidence that we are all blind idiots. As we flew over yet more icy foothills, Merle (Of all of us!) noticed that one of the mounds appeared to be smoking. Under more careful examination we realized that these ‘foothills’ were actually snowed-covered buildings, meaning it is quite likely the other foothills we’ve seen the past few days were also actually buildings. 

     We, the best and brightest of our deceased world, saviors of multiple realities, the last and only line of defense against the relentless malevolence of the Hunger, wasted nearly a week looking for signs of life when there were entire cities directly under our hull. At the risk of sounding pessimistic, I think this world may be fucked. 

     Now that we’ve realized our mistake, Captain wants us to backtrack and see if we can find a settlement closer to Lup and Barry’s original prediction of the Lights trajectory. However, Lup’s trying to convince him that we should do some reconnaissance in this village first. 

LT: Look, there’s no point going backwards in this fuckin’ blizzard if we can just-

CD: -We are way, way off, the- they’re your calculations? Do you- 

BB: [crosstalk] They’re our calculations, Lu

LT: [crosstalk] I know.

TT: [crosstalk] You calculated ‘em. calc-calculated the shit outta- 

[LT puts up a hand to silence the others]

LT: Look I’m not dunking on my calculations, cause they’re tight as shit, ‘natch; outside looks like someone put a flock of doves through a woodchipper. You wanna fly through that?

CD: [crosstalk] I’m not- 

MB: [crosstalk] Gross?

LT: [crosstalk] Been flying six days straight, you wanna keep, keep flyin’- 

CD: I don’t wanna fly through the scenario you just made me visualize, no. This is just snow. 

[MB raises his hand kind of awkwardly. Mags, c’mon, you’re not 12]

MB: Uuum, Cap’nport? No offense but you look kinda beat, are you sure?

CD: Wh- excuse me. Are you questioning my piloting abilities, Magnus?

MB: [crosstalk] ‘Course not, just-

CD: [crosstalk] I’ve flown us through, through literal eldritch death pillars - 

MH: [crosstalk] ...do look a little tired -  

MB: I know!

[captain gets out of the pilots seat, oh dear]

CD: What was that? Merle? 

LT: It’s been nearly a week, Captain. You haven’t slept. 

CD: Neither have you!

LT: Yeah, and I’m pissed about it! 

BB: look everyone’s a little frazzled- 

MH: I’m fine. 

BB: [crosstalk] Merle, oh my-

LT: [crosstalk] Merle!

TT: [crosstalk] Hahaha holy fuck Merle! Not the time?

CD: You know what, okay, fine! Okay, we’ll vote. Let’s vote. Who thinks we should go down there? 

[Lup, Mag  LT, MB, and BB all put up their hands]

CD: All right, and who says we should turn back?

[CD, TT, and MH put up their hands]

CD: Lucretia.

TT: Lu- Baby-Lu, fuckin’ put dowait I forgot to put myhandupfuck

LC: I’m not answering to that, but I do thin k 

[TT attepts to take my fuckin

Taako tried to take my journal, and while I understand his intentions it’s imperi

BABY LU NEEDS TO STOP WRITING OUR CONVERSATIONS IN REAL TIME AND PAY ATTENTION TO THE WORLD AROUND HER

BABY LU WILL GET HER JOURNAL BACK WHEN THE GROWN UPS DECIDE WHAT WERE DOING IN THIS FROZEN FUCKING HELLSCAPE 

     After my journal was so rudely stolen, we decided that it would be best to have some of the crew investigate the settlement while the others got some rest. Captain landed the Starblaster just out of sight (not far with the weather) and Lup, Magnus and I made our way into town on foot. We were ushered into the smoking building Merle first noticed almost as soon as we were in sight of it. It’s apparently some sort of tavern/town hall, with one long, open room punctuated by tables and some truly massive support beams. 

     Chiana, the innkeeper (or possibly Mayor? Chief? They are definitely some measure of authority figure) was quite unsettled by our sudden appearance. It’s apparently unusual for people to travel between communities at this time of year, especially in the middle of the night (which it apparently is. We seriously lost track of time with the storm blocking out the suns). They’ve insisted on putting us up until the storm settles some. We have of course accepted, but we decided that it might be best not to mention our true intentions here. They were spooked just by us appearing in a blizzard, we don’t need to bring up the rest of it. We notified Capn’port that we’ll be staying a few days to gather info, and since then Lup and Magnus have been having quite the time chatting with the assorted patrons/guests. 

     This really is quite a spectacular building. The ceiling is only about 7 ft. high (Lup and Mags can both touch the ceiling), but it’s so wide and long it doesn’t feel cramped. It’s hard to estimate how large it is exactly; the hall is a patchwork of additions, none of which quite match up. Here an extra nook were the hall was widened, there a slight indent were an old support must have collapsed. Wood flooring giving way to tile, tile being overtaken by carpet, and then carpet receding back to wood again. The support beams are the only consistent element, solid blocks of wood punctuating the room at even intervals. 

    But the room’s really dominated by the kitchens and the dance floor. The kitchens are spaced along the northern wall about 50 ft. from one another, one in each corner and the last right in the center. The latter is the only one operational at the moment, and Chiana’s not making anything more complicated than some mulled cider (which, for the sake of accurate chronicling, I must say is delicious). I thought at first the stove here was heating the hall, and while it’s fairly large on closer inspection that doesn’t seem plausibe. It’s far too warm, even in the farther corners. I suppose the surrounding snow might provide some insulation? 

     Besides that, there’s a raised dance platform in the center of the hall, in front of the middle kitchen. Lup’s dragged Magnus and a two middle aged women onto it, though there isn’t any music at this hour. She's currently waving at me to come join them. I’ve been nursing the drink Chianna gave me so I’d have an excuse to stay seated, but I think I’d better relent before Lup tries to physically drag me up there. They’re really acting silly tonight, but I suppose we all needed to blow off some steam. 

     Alright. Okay. I probably should have noticed this when I first started drinking, but the alcohol here seems to be quite a bit stronger then I’m used too? Or what Lup and Magnus are used too. I didn’t notice until I went out on the dance floor and I kind of tripped but at first I thought that was just me being clumsy or tired, but then when I started actually dancing it was worse like, I’m usually a good dancer. And Lup was acting especially silly and so was magnus, even though he should have a better constitution than us because he’s not a squishy wizard he’s a beefcake. Lup said that. 

Fuck okay I am definitely a little tipsy here I should stop writing. But I was going to write somethig down it was important? we were dancing, and then I was stumbling and I said like Lup I feel kinda tipsy but I only had one drink and she said Aaaaaww ‘Creesha, you are suuuuuuuuuch a lightweight lol but then she fell over and Magnus laughed and one of the ladies we were dancing with asked how much she’d had and shed had three, which made them laugh because apparently threes a lot here. And then we all sat down for a bit and we were talking about travelling and it was kind bullshit because we are trying to blend but we mentioned THE LIGHT THAT 

THAT WAS IT LIGHT LIGT light the light what was that aaaaah what was OH MY GOD I CAN’T REMEMBER THE REST FUCK I [[handwriting becomes illegible]]

okay okay I went back to talk again and I had a few more drinks because chiana gave me more drinks they are actually super sweet i mean chianna. Chianas super sweet. They actualysaw  the light when it landed sorta they saw a flash through the storm but not in the direction we came. Lup’s been trying to redo her calculations on some napkins she thinks the blizzard had something to do with it but shes still  really smashed I dont think now a good time for math Lup 

Lucretia darling are you gonna nag me or are you gonna oh my god I dont know how to spell half those words Lup Im a fucking drunk journalist dont pull the fucking jargon out on me

Barry please tell me what Lups saying in words drunk  journalist understands

A drunk? Lucretia? Whats going on?

Lup: Baaaaaarrry holy shit did you remember to to do the thing for the storm

BB: Lup? Lup you’re- Lucretia give your stone to Lup I can hardly understand her

LT: hiiiiiiiiiiiii barold, hiiiiiiiii, we fucked uuuuuup

BB: oh wow youre super smashed

LT we fucked up Barry! we didnt-interference! the storm created interference and we fucked up the direction and

BB Lup that doesn’t make anysense? our equipment relies mostly on magical energy unless the storm has arcane origins

LT: oh hey, MORRISON DOES THE STORM HAVE ARCANE ORIGINS?

Morison: MS: (shes one of the dancing ladies) I dunno where arcane is but the storms local. amma constein cursed the whole country side bout 20 years ago after liddy halloway dumped her

SEE BARRY

BB: okay yeah that would definitely throw off our readings but its not like we could have known that beforehand. I mean we know now, so I suppose its a good thing you guys went down there even if you also got fucking wasted, for some reason

?: whose fucking wasted (oh its taako

TT: heeeey chucklefucks whats this about you getting crunk on your uuuuh super important potentially, world saving info gathering mission?

MB taako taaaaaakoooooooo booze is super cool down here? I had a bunch

TT: eh yup I could guess

MB: but not like a super bunch? A little bunch. Its suuuuper strong its great

TT hahaha oh. oh you are so lucky cap’nports asleep. What about you, baby lu? tell me-tell me you, at least are treating this mission with the uh, gravity and maturity it fucking-fucking nesessitates fuck you taako im 58

TT whelp haha BB please just give m emy stone back  

im 5 fucking 8!!! Im not a baby godamnit. Im a grown ass women ill get as crunk as I fuckin wanna on this sweet ass booze and you cant have any taako you bitch hahahahha oh my god lucy someone please tell me shes still writing this down I nee

taakos a jackass im a grown fucking ass women an he wasnt even really a hundred when he joined cause hes a LIAR and A JERK comparatively in terms of relativ ageing im more an adult then him but he still calls me baby lu he could call me lucy or creesh like Lup calls me that i love her she? so nice Lup brought me another drink and we danced more but not well cause everthings floaty and I lay down so my head wouldnt float to high the ceilings still really low Lup lay down with e and magnus came in he was screaming cause he went out in the snow he was trying to do the dip thing were you go in a hot spring right after but theres no spring only cold magnus. everythigs only cold magnus why do you do this to yourself?magnus. chiana is making him sit by the stove in the kitchen and they wont give us any more drinks i told them i was 58 and also an alien but that didnt convince them which is probably fair. they dont know. taako knows he has no excuse

chianna gave us a room and its really dark its in the basement it super warm I think there actually is a hot spring but like underneath sorry mags that probablywhat you were thinking but still. super dumb. god Im gonna be so bad in the morning. the storms clearing up a little so well probably go then I hope captains not mad Im not sure he knows but we proly found the light so he cant be too mad. I  need sleep. I need to sleep. good night journal Ill miss you love Lucretia

Cycle 36, day 7

Firstly, I am never drinking again. Ever. Secondly, as soon as I get back to the ship, I am burning these pages. Posterity is not worth this level of embarrassment. 

Cycle 36, day 8

     Lup, Magnus and I had some trouble getting back. Though we weren’t nearly as intoxicated as the previous night, we weren’t precisely sober either. Between Magnus stopping to puke every five minutes, Lup’s persisting lack of balance, my truly excruciating headache, and all the motherfucking, goddamned snow, we nearly got lost on the mile-long hike back to the ship. The others had a field day teasing us, and I can’t even be mad at them for it. Looking over my own notes is literally, viscerally painful. To reiterate: I am never. Drinking. Again.

     I am not going to destroy those pages, however. It’s the only written account I have of what Chiana and the others told us about the Light, and it would be irresponsible to get rid of them before we’ve properly found it. Besides, Lup and Taako both practically begged me to keep it in. I don’t understand why Lup want’s this reminder of our idiocy to remain in tact, but damn she is hard to argue with. She’s also tried to insist that “baby-Lu” is a compliment, but won’t explain how so. I take back all the nice things drunk me said about her. 

     Maybe later I’ll go back and just stick a summary were those pages are, but for the mean time they’ll have to stay.

      I spent most of yesterday just resting, once we got back. I don’t think I honestly realized how tired I was until then. It’s only been 8 days since the last apocalypse, most of which we spent searching, frantic and blind in a literally cursed blizzard. Much as I hate to say it, I may need to take Taako’s advice and stop chronicling in real time. Just for a bit. I’ll pick it up again when we find the Light. 

     Time to go save another world.

End of excerpt. 

[editors note: Can I just formally request that, should we ever see Fisher and Junior again, I be permitted to feed these pages to them, in hopes that they might be erased permanently this time? Please?

- LC ]

[editors note: Madame Lucretia’s request is noted and denied.

- TT ] 

Han Solo Sews Well

Words: 2013 Pairing: Han Solo x Skywalker!Reader Summary: So this all started because over the weekend I watched the Star Wars Holiday Special with my boyfriend, and I started thinking about Star Wars characters doing really mundane things like buying groceries and sewing holes in their pants and stuff. Then I had this idea that Han Solo would probably be really good at sewing because, well who do you get to repair your clothes when you’re a smuggler wanted in multiple star systems? And then…well it snowballed from there. Reader is Luke Skywalker’s sister who happens to tear her pants in the presence of our favorite sewing smuggler. (Honestly I have no idea what this is, but I know I like it!)

Your first journey aboard the Millennium Falcon had exposed you to the political struggle between the Empire and the Rebel Alliance. While your act in the ordeal had been minute, you had still contributed to the destruction of the Empire’s planet killing weapon; the Death Star. Sure, Luke was technically the one who hit the exhaust port as easily as if it were a womp rat back home, but you were the one who had given him the confidence to do it. The Rebellion had been won over by Luke’s “Heroic” act and asked him to stick around. He agreed to join the Rebellion with one stipulation, that the rebels allow you to stay as well.The Alliance, of course, took no issue with this. (It didn’t hurt one bit that you’d been a part of rescuing one of their highest-ranking strategists, Princess Leia Organa of Alderaan.)

The destruction of the Death Star moved the rebels away from their base on Yavin 4 to a new home base on the icy surface of Hoth. Life on Hoth wasn’t all bad. So what if it was a frigid, snowy, planet where you would die if you went outside at night? You’d wanted to get as far from your sandy home planet as possible. This was as good a place as any. The other major downside to living with the rebellion? The only friends you saw on a regular basis now were the Captain of the Millennium Falcon, Han Solo, and his companion, Chewbacca.

At first Chewie and Han were two of the bristliest life forms you’d ever come in contact with. Now…well they didn’t growl quite as much. They spent most of their time trying to repair the Falcon, which always seemed to be suffering from a broken this or cracked that. Over time you began to suspect Han was deliberately exaggerating his repairs so that he could remain on base longer. This was ridiculous, of course, since no one had told either he or Chewie that they were expected to leave. In fact, they had been invited to stay several times by the Alliance’s Grand Council.

“All done!” You called triumphantly as you stuck your head out of a hatch in one of the Millennium Falcon’s interior walls.

“It’s about time!” Han smirked.

“Well maybe next time you can pilot a bucket of rust with Wookie sized crawl spaces.” You snarled as you started climbing out of the wall. “No offense, Chewie.” You added, lifting your left leg out of the crawl space.

“Oh damn it!” As you clambered your way out of Falcon’s wall, you tore a six-inch hole in the side of your pants.

“What’s the big deal?” Han shrugged. “You can just sew it.”

“Well, I can’t.” You sighed. “I never learned how. Maybe Luke…”

“Luke?” Han snorted. “You’d be waiting a century for him to meditate on which way The Force wants him to thread the needle. Why don’t you just let me do it?”

“You?” You tried not to laugh. “You know how to sew?” You highly doubted a scruffy-looking space pirate like ol’ Han knew how to sew. Or cook. Or do anything domestic come to think of it.

“What? You think this fuzzballs knows how?” He pointed over his shoulder at Chewie, and looked insulted. “Who did you think patches the leather seats in the cockpit?” He raised his eyes brows expectedly.

“Me.” Han declared. He pointed at himself before motioning for you to follow him down the hall. You trailed behind Han through the winding corridor and realized you were heading in the direction of the former cargo hold he’d modified into Captain’s Quarters. When he stepped inside the room you waited respectfully outside.

“What are you doing out there?” He called to you. “Get in here.” You did as he said and stepped inside. You tried not to gawk but it was difficult to do. Han’s room seemed void of any personality. Not that you had expected him to be particularly sentimental, but there were no photos, mementos or signs that anyone lived there. Aside from a cot shoved in one corner there wasn’t much in the way of furnishings. Unless you also wanted to count the overhead lightbulb lazily swinging from its wiring above your head. (Which you didn’t.)

“Well sit down, why don’t you?” He nodded at his bed impatiently before turning his attention to the needle and black thread between his hands. Once that was taken care of, Han knelt by your side.

“Now hold still!” He barked. “The last thing I need is to hear from Luke about how I stabbed ya’ with a needle, alright?” You nodded, craning your neck so you could watch him.

As Han set to work, he put one hand on your thigh so he could hold the fabric of your pants together. His hands were warm. With impressive dexterity, he wove the needle through one layer of fabric, then the next, and back out again. You watched in fascination as he wove the metal instrument back and forth slowly. Each time the needle passed between the layers of your pants you felt the cool of its metal brush against your skin. The combination of Han’s warm hand on your leg mix with the chill of the metal caused you to shiver.

“Everything alright up there?” He mumbled, not looking up nor stopping his work.

“Yeah.” You nodded even though he couldn’t see it. “Just, um, chilly. I’m sure it will Pass.”

“Nah, heating unit’s not great in this part of the ship.” He disagreed. “Chewie and I have been meaning to look into it. It’s on the list. Where’s your coat?”

“In my room.” You guessed, shrugging.

“Well Force, Kid! There’s a blizzard outside every other day here! It’s not the kind of place you want lose your coat on. That’s my coat there at the foot of the bed.” He nodded at a brown pile next to you. “Put that on until I’m done with this. Then we’ll see about finding your coat.” You reached over slowly, careful not to move too much as Han was in the process of tugging his needle out of your pants. The last thing you wanted was for him to stab himself on your account.

You draped Han’s coat over your shoulders, not putting your arms in the sleeves. There was no need for that much extra warmth. You did think about putting on his fur lined hood though since you remembered it being particularly soft. You thought against this too though because again Han’s room wasn’t that cold. All your adjusting caused him to misjudge his stitch. There was a quiet ouch squeaked form your lips.

“I told you to hold, still!” He argued, again not looking up. “I’m almost done now anyhow.” You looked down at where the tear had been to see that Han was about half-way done repairing your pants. The next few minutes passed in silence. You were practically holding your breath to avoid moving. Han just kept quiet, focusing on his work. After a few more moments of this, Han was nearly finished with his sewing. All that was left were maybe two or three stitches.

“Why are you helping me with this?” You asked, tilting your head to the side.

“What?” He looked up at you, his eyebrows knit together, his brown eyes waiting for an explanation.

“I mean anyone else around here asks for help and you just sneer at them. You didn’t even want to take us off Tatooine until Ben promised you all those republic credits! You never do anything that doesn’t somehow benefit you. So, what gives?” You folded your arms over your chest knowing full well it made you look like a child.

“Here’s an idea, kid.” Han huffed. “Maybe don’t piss off the guy with the four-inch needle who could literally sew you into your own pants forever?”  He looked back down and wove another stitch into your pants. “I should have just let the farm boy do this.” He complained.

“Let me ask you another question then, since you’re already mad at me.” You said. “Why haven’t you left Hoth? Luke said you’ve been paid as promised. Lea said the Alliance gave you approval to leave weeks ago…”

“Yeah, well if you’ve got all the answers, how come you ask so many questions?” He looked up at you long enough to smirk, before tying off a few knots and severing his remaining strand of thread form your pants. “Pants are fix.” He announced, gently patting your outer leg where the hole had been and rose to his feet. “You’re welcome.” He smirked again.

“T-Thank you.” You said after taking a minute to admire his work. You could hardly tell there had been a rip there at all. It was a job well done. “What do I owe ya?”

“It’s on the house, Kid.” He promised before rolling his eyes. He turned to put away his sewing kit from the crate he’d retrieved it out of.  

“Now I really know something is up.” You narrowed your eyes at him. “Han Solo doing someone a favor?”

“It was bound to happen at least once.” He shrugged. “Consider it payment for climbing in the walls if it means so much to ya.”

“Are you gonna answer my other questions?” You asked, moving your hands to your hips.

“Is there ever going to be an end to this interrogation?” He groaned. “I did something nice for ya. Can’t you just accept it and move on?”

“No.” You insisted.

“So you’re mad at me for helping you now?” He folded his arms over his own chest now.

“Yes? No! I just want to know why you went from not wanting to help the Rebellion at all, to now you won’t leave. Even though you’ve had permission to leave for weeks.”

“Who says I’ve got a reason!” He snarled. “And you’re the only person that has a problem with me staying! Last I checked, there’s a whole base of people for you to harass! So, go pester some of them.”

“But I don’t want to hang out with any of them. I like being here with you.” You explained.

“Is that so?” He raised his eyebrows, a cheeky grin formed on his lips.

“I mean you and Chewie!” You backpedaled.

“But that’s not what you said.” Han pointed at you, now full on smiling. “Hey it’s alright, kid.” He walked over to where you were still sitting on the bed. He placed his hand on the bed, one on either side of you so the each of his thumbs were just barely brushing against your thighs. “I like having you hanging around too.”

For once that impulsive Skywalker blood that Uncle Owen had always warned you against, had kicked in. You wrapped your arms around Han’s neck and pulled his face closer to yours. It was an awkward kiss, being that it was your first, but Han was an eager teacher. With one hand, he was supporting your back, holding you. The fingers of his other hand brushed their way through your hair, combing the loose strands. He sat on the bed next to you and pulled you onto his lap.

You probably would have stayed there all afternoon, snuggled in Han’s coat with his warm lips pressed against yours, if Chewbacca hadn’t barged in and interrupted with a low growl. Surprised by the sudden sound, you and Han both jumped apart. Han seemed to relax once he realized it was just his best friend. You on the other hand were still uncertain of the Wookie, and decided to watch him cautiously from behind Han’s shoulder.

“Whatja do that for, Furbrain?” Han snarled. Again, Chebacca growled. “What do you mean they can’t find Luke?” Chewie said something else you didn’t understand. “Alright, alright. Tell them we’re coming! C’mon Sweetheart.” Han said, gently tugging you off the bed. “You’re brother’s gone and got himself lost in the middle of a snowstorm!”

CONGRATULATIONS, KAITLIN!

You have been accepted for the role of SERGEI VALKE. Admin Bree: It’s no secret to anyone who’s been paying the slightest bit of attention that we’ve been not only wanting, but desperately needing a Sergei for quite some time, and this time around, we were blessed with not just one, but two wonderful apps for him, both of which certainly did him considerable justice. But Kaitlin, yours stuck out—yours made me uncomfortable at times, yours made me nearly hate him, but there was still evidence of the boy he once was, too—his love for his little sister, and for his wolf. You brought him to life, you made him real, and you did it beautifully. I couldn’t be more confident in your ability to portray him. Well done! You have 24 HOURS to send in your account. Also, remember to look at the CHECKLIST. Welcome to Ravka!

OUT OF CHARACTER

ALIAS: Kaitlin

PREFERRED PRONOUNS: She/her

AGE: 20

TIMEZONE & ACTIVITY LEVEL: EST. I think you guys are fairly familiar with my activity at this point, but personally I’d put it around a 6, maybe 7. There are off days and there are good days! I can be relied on to post at least every other day, sometimes multiple times a day sometimes only once. Depends.

CURRENT/PAST ACCOUNTS: You know, but Anton Lantsov & Adeline Calore.

IN CHARACTER

DESIRED CHARACTER: Sergei Valke, for all intents and purposes.

WHAT DREW YOU TO THIS CHARACTER? I mean, what didn’t?

It took me awhile to kind of get in the same headspace as Sergei; he’s undiscovered territory for me, if you will. The more I went back and re-read through his bio though, the more I began to understand what it was about Sergei that kept drawing me in: Sergei is an antagonist, but he is not the villain of his own story – far be it from that, he is the protagonist of Fjerda’s. That is why I love him. He’s a messiah and a monster wrapped up in ice and charm through sheer force of will. He is not some passive villain.

He’s a boy come in from the wild and the curve of his smile got turned into a weapon, the kind-hearted boy he could have become lost to the wild hunt (because I firmly believe Sergei is a monster by nurture, because I cannot make sense of this evil just for evil’s sake – he was conditioned into his belief’s, and Ravak threatens those). Sergei drew me in because as much as he is an antagonist, he is not a traitor. The only comparisons to Judas that an be made are they plot the death of gods-turned-human. But there is no betrayal in Sergei’s deceptions, and as his deception darkened eyes ghost over the royal court, drinking in and learning everyone’s secrets, he tastes the burning pride his true God must feel for him, to be dedicating himself so thoroughly to the cause of his people.

He has left his home, and this time he volunteered, was excited to leave behind the familiar. There will be no valiant escape plan, no possibility of his own survival once he completes his task. This is what defines Sergei – his actions are not done in the name of greed or evil, but in the name of love, in the name of holiness. Sergei Valke sees himself as a hero, a savior; he knows himself to be a martyr in the making.

WHAT FUTURE PLOT IDEAS DID YOU HAVE IN MIND?

I. ROME IS BURNING. There is no surviving the assassination of a God, this much Sergei knows, but all must beware he who is willing to bathe in fire and ice to complete the deed. I think this is what breaks my heart the most, that his death is pretty much a done deal. It’s not really possible for this particular story, I don’t think, for Sergei to complete his goal – but what a fucking curveball would it be if the Fjerdan spy managed to charm his way so thoroughly into the court that he could succeed in his task? Sergei has walked into Ravka with canines bared and axes sharpened, content in his human flesh so long as his blades are sharp enough to cut through divinity. Sergei, who is unbearably unloved, a violent boy teetering on the precipice of giving hope to his nation, may just make a martyr of himself yet. Per ardua ad astra; through adversity to the stars.

II. HISTORY REPEATS ITSELF. On the other hand, having it all be for naught, while heartbreaking for the sake of love for Sergei, would certainly be an excellent plot device for the group as a whole. Finding Sergei out, after having hidden under their noses, would be a very, very motivational event for Anton and Gemma. They are two people who need things to go their way, who need to prove themselves the whirling hurricanes of power they are. Sergei knows he is in his final chapters, that the only words left on the pages of his life are kill, kill, kill. He is the living breathing example of transcendence, of recognizing himself not as the god he once wished himself, but the hand destined to slay divinity – this could very well be his undoing. I’m not exactly sure that I’m looking forward to this particular plot, but I think that there’s a kind of poetry to his death being at the hands of the Ravkan throne, to his death coming before he has a chance to succeed in his mission, a kind of irony. Through his attempts to steal a life, he loses his own, just as his attempts to steal bread to save his life are what made him lose the life he had known as a boy. Tragic, in the most traditional sense of the word.

III.WHAT’S A KING TO A MANY-FACED GOD? This is lame but I’m honestly just really excited about the prospect of writing out his interactions because he is not the mindlessly violent thing that some may see him to be. He is a fucking survivor, and he is charming and clever enough that Fjerda sent him literally into the heart of their enemy to try and take them down. There is no senselessness to his violence, nothing shallow or petty about his intended destruction. Every single move he makes is calculated with no intent to benefit himself, and even as prejudice burns like battery acid in his heart, he is careful to make sure no one at court can see it – and that’s fucking incredible. What kind of suave but simultaneously distant guy must he be? This is something I’d really like to explore more, this deceptive, manipulative, side to Sergei that I think is probably pretty new to him as well.

IV. ENEMIES TO FRIENDS. The least likely plot I can see happening, though certainly the most appealing to be honest just because it will mean my ice baby gets to live (maybe) would be that Sergei finds himself at odds with the teachings his nation had instilled inside of him. This boy, with nothing but murder on his mind, takes a liking to someone at Ravkan court, finds himself attracted to them in the kind of way where their thoughts matter, the things they hold dear to their heart matter to him, and it causes this backlash of stubborn, infectious humanity to take root inside his heart, wrapping itself around the prejudice he so dearly clings to. His prejudice against the witches is all he has ever known, all he has ever been taught, but now all he sees are Grisha, left and right and all around him, and some of them are kind, some of them are funny. I wonder if his isolation, if all the distance between Sergei and Fjerda, could be enough to turn his prejudice to mere dust and ash blowing in the breeze.  

WOULD YOU BE WILLING TO HAVE YOUR CHARACTER DIE? I love Sergei to bits and bobs, but I do think that his death could be really interesting for the group if it’s in the kind of situation where it was during an attempt on someone important life or something. I couldn’t really see it happening just as an emotional stimulus or what have you, just because he doesn’t exactly have a lot of close friends that it would affect, but as a plot device, it would definitely be beneficial to the group… So yes, basically.

IN DEPTH

IN CHARACTER PARA SAMPLE(S):

I. In his own country, Death can be kind.

“This one’s yours, Valke,” his commanding officer says from the right, the words sending a shiver of excitement down Sergei’s spine where others would have felt fear, should have felt disgust. Sergei felt nothing but pride, and the sneaky smile that crossed his face was a dead giveaway to that fact. His hands should shake, perhaps. His hands should b so slick from sweat that the new gun he’d gotten from Novyi Zem should slip through from his grasp, perhaps. There should be a ringing in his ears, his heartbeat so deafening he couldn’t even hear his leaders voice beside him, perhaps.

Instead he is stone. Instead he smiles.

“Yes, sir.”

Swiftly and without any hesitation, he lifts his boot and kicks down the door before him, knocking it in with a single blow.

He was hit by the stench first.

From somewhere unidentified filters out the rotten smell of dead and decaying things, the putrid scent filth beneath his feet rolling off of the floor in waves and the smell of excrement and curing meats mixes together a nearly toxic concoction. One would think the sight of something such as this would turn his stomach, would make him feel badly about taking something so precious as child from a family who already had nothing, but he felt little remorse for the sins he was committing this day, and Sergei resists the urge to to bring his arm to his face in an attempt to hide from the disgusting smell – he would need both of his hands tonight.

In the dark of night, it’s difficult to see into the small house he’s just entered, lit only by the small flicker of a candle in opposite corners of the first room. Sitting there, or perhaps a better word would be cowering, in the frozen darkness, was a single woman and her daughter. He’d been prepared for this, the sight of suck fragile innocence; the witches always looked like the rest of the humans, some of them even looked like angels sent down to bring their souls to heaven. This girl just looked damp, her clothes and hair slick with sweat, where her mother looked terrified.

He didn’t see the father until it was too late, and a fist had come down hard on his face.

A lesser man would have fallen to the floor from the impact, but pride was a sick, addictive substance, and it burned inside of Sergei like stomach acid. A lesser man would have gotten angry. Sergei got even, reacting to the impact with the kind of cruel savagery that could only be likened to the animal he sought to emulate, flipping his gun around to smash the butt of it into the other man’s own face. There is no remorse in his heart, save for the stains this blood would leave on Sergei’s new boots.

The walls are hard stone and when the man knocks into one, the crack of his head against the roughness pleases Sergei. There’s a flash of silver, a simple flick of his wrist, and suddenly the girl once grasped so tightly in her mother’s arms stood at the whim of his blade.

He opens his mouth then, his voice patient, unhurried, as head dips down to speak in the small girls ear. The way she trembles almost amuses him – why did they bother to liken themselves to Gods when they shuddered at the simple sight of a blade? “You’d do well not to fight me, or my friend over there is going to slip his knife between your Pa’s ribs.” And as though they were one mind, one body, his partner pushed the blade more firmly against the father’s waist – a threat and a promise all wrapped in one.

Shows of power, after all, were nothing if not useful.

There are two more men standing in the doorway, another fresh-faced first-timer like himself, and the other more seasoned. It wasn’t difficult to tell which was which. Pathetic, he thought absentmindedly. Sergei liked being the best, but he’d have preferred not to go on a mission with a puppy. He shakes his head once and then turns his gaze away from his men, beginning to push the girl in his grasp towards the doorway. No one could have predicted what would happen next. After all, the Drüskelle were supposed to be good at catching Grisha.

His leader, once someone admired and revered by Sergei, dropped his blade and began clutching at his throat, his other hand clawing at his chest as though desperate to rip out the beating organ there. “Bloodletter,” hissed Sergei immediately, shoving the girl into the wall hard enough that he hoped she would lose consciousness.

Distantly, as though a thousand insignificant miles away, he heard the mother screaming.

What happened next wasn’t clear. They say your instincts kick in, that every detail can be remembered with painful clarity, but it was like some other person had taken over Sergei’s body, and when it was over they’d taken the memories with them. One minute the witch was killing his commanding officer and the next Sergei had buried his silver dagger in the man’s voice box. One minute he was Sergei, and the next he was Death riding in on a pale white horse, black cape billowing out behind him.

Word spread fast around the Ice Court, the story of how a young Drüskelle successfully took out a full-grown witch on his first try. It was sad, really, how impressed his fellow soldiers were with the story. They should all be capable of the same thing.

After all, Sergei had thought the whole thing fairly easy.

CHARACTER HEADCANONS:

I. You will always be dead, in a city of ice, snow falling into your ear. Sergei Valke was not always named as such. Once there was a boy named Dimitri Sergei Halvorsen, a half-moon boy whose idea of the honeyed warmth of love had been long ago warped by the harsh cruelties of ice and hunger. A peasant boy, with hands stained red by thievery, lips more often blue than pink – an unfortunate side effect of spending every night cold and wanting. Dimitri, wolf-boy, drawn taut and savage by a squalid home that could barely be called a home. Not only a middle son, but a young middle son, Dimitri was abandoned before he was born, more often left to use his own wits and wiles to secure food than he could rely on the woman called mother; he doesn’t blame her, not anymore, not when he remembers the way his father used to scold him and leave bruises on her arms, but at the time he had blamed her, and it had sent him running and running and running until one day he was caught. He was caught and using the very wits his mother had forced him to hone, he became someone else, someone forged anew. No longer Dimitri, the poor peasant boy who had frostbite more times than he could count on his fingers and toes. Instead he took the name Sergei Valke; his last name for its proximity to the animal with which he identified, the volk, and Sergei, so that he might take a small piece of his old world and build himself something new from it. Dimitri: earth-lover. Sergei: protector. Halvorsen: firm.

II. You are going to break your promise. I understand. He had promised to always protect her. Maya was his safe haven, a field of poppies not yet turned into poison. His younger sister, the seventh child of his family, born a mere nine months after him. It was Maya that kept his heart softened, not quite as black as the business of starvation should have made it. Dima, she’d cry out, fling herself into his arms when he’d return from his misadventures away from her. He had promised to always protect her, but even he couldn’t protect her from a bad heart and deadly frost. One day her heart just stopped beating, and his tether to those he was meant to call family came to a snap. He can still see the soft haven of her starlit curls as they bounce around her heart-shaped face. If he presses his hand to his chest just so and closes his eyes tightly, one palm laid flat in the middle, he can almost remember the way it felt when she tucked her head into him, can feel the wound where soft light still seeps in. Maya: illusion.

III. I savor bitterness - it is born of experience. It is the privilege of one who has truly lived. He walked for weeks, not what felt like weeks, but actual weeks, perhaps even months passed by before Dimitri would reach his final destination – not that he had really been walking with any semblance of a plan or destination in mind. He set off, leaving behind what “family” he had left with Kari nipping at his heels, and for the first time in his life he was almost never hungry; relying on himself and only himself did Dimitri good. He no longer had to accept the fact that he did not have the means for that extra meal, and instead did all of his own hunting. Deep in the darkness of forest is where he fashioned his first bow and arrow, a weapon he would later leave in his past but would always hold a special home in his heart. He walks and he hunts and he runs and he runs and he runs until one day he finds himself standing at the entrance to this new city, this new life, fourteen years old and already tougher than all of the other gutter rats he found.

IV. Sleep with fists closed and shoot straight. There’s a reason the Drüskelle leaders chose Sergei to go on the mission, and it was not because he was a man with no real family to speak of, it was not because he was expendable. It’s because he was invaluable. On the day that he was caught stealing and spared his hands, he vowed to make them the most useful weapon in the Drüskelle’s arsenal. From the moment Sergei began his training there wasn’t another soldier who could beat him in combat; he was the sharpest sharpshooter the Drüskelle had seen in what felt like centuries, capable of shooting a rabbit in the eye from distances none of his comrades could, and for every bruise that flowered like lilacs underneath of his skin, twenty more could be found on his opponents. And like all lambs led to the slaughter, Sergei took his fate in stride, accepted the fact that because he was the best, he would be the sacrifice, the offering Fjerda would make to Djel to attain greatness. He is the best Drüskelle they’ve seen in years, and he’s proud to die for that fact.

V. I am selfish. I am cruel. My mate cannot be less than I. He named her Kari, for the way her howls carried themselves along the frigid winds of Elling’s bitter frost. She was just a small pup when they first set out on Dimitri’s new life, the runt of the litter, the least favorite pick of the group – Dimitri had taken to her with a kind of urgency and love he’d only ever before been able to give Maya. She grew with the same tenacity Dimitri had himself, a sure-footed and savage creature, capable of the kind of stealth that would later nominate Sergei as the best Drüskelle in the company. He misses her every single day, and thinks about her much more than he would ever admit: only another Drüskelle could understand that kind of bond. Before he left his home for foreign country he’d taken her back up to lands around Elling, left her trotting along the western seaboard as he took in for the last time the familiar scent of salty air. Kari: pure, the embodiment of wind.  

VI. Men die. It’s practically what they’re for. He kept his name, though at first he didn’t plan to. Perhaps it is because he was afraid, afraid that if a wolf went into a lions den wearing a lion-hearted name he too would come out on the other side a lion. Perhaps it’s because for all that he was raised Dimitri Halvorsen, Sergei Valke was always the man he was destined to become, and if he was going to sacrifice himself in the name of his nation, then he wanted to do it wearing the name he had built for himself. So he stayed who he was, but he molded himself into a Ravkan man. He’d done his research, found a man with the surname Valke, a weapons specialist who had spent most of his life living at the Chernast outpost; it was sheer luck of the draw that he’d had Sergei’s name, making it easy for him to track the man down and claim to be his long-lost son. Sergei had been ready to force a letter claiming him to be the old man’s own, but he was so daft and dumb he’d actually believed Sergei. It didn’t take much coaxing or coddling at all to convince him to send his new son to Os Alta to demonstrate the new weapons.

VII. Just tell yourself a story that’ll satisfy you and pretend he told it. Sergei is not kind, and he does not freely give himself away to those around him, but it takes a degree of finesse, of charm to convince not only an entire court that he is who he says he is, but a man had never known before he had a son actually believed him when he claimed to be so.

VIII. I say these things, and the world listens. This one isn’t necessarily fully-fleshed out and understood by me yet, but that’s only because I don’t have all of the cards needed to understand the Fjerdan religious system quite yet. I’m in the process of reading Six of Crows where its more fully fleshed out, but I definitely believe Sergei to be a believer. I imagine it was probably something that had to be instilled in childhood, his parents having had their own hard-set defined belief system that went right along with the rest of Fjerda: the witches need to burn. I don’t think Sergei could dedicate himself so whole-heartedly if he didn’t believe Djel would be looking after him.

EXTRAS:

I have a mockblog & a pinterest board, both of which helped me to find my muse, but probably won’t give you much material to help judge my application.  

I listened to My Petersburg a number of times while thinking about teenage Sergei running through the streets of Djerholm, and definitely took a lot of inspiration for his personality during that time of his life from the lyrics!

ANYTHING ELSE? Inkheart is my favorite book :)

Makeup fans blush, beat and blog on social media sites

New Post has been published on https://britishdigitalmarketingnews.com/makeup-fans-blush-beat-and-blog-on-social-media-sites/

Makeup fans blush, beat and blog on social media sites

Ithaca College sophomore Lucia Tepper sits in her dorm room, a light and tripod pointing toward her. A row of clear boxes filled with brushes, lipsticks and palettes line the desk in the background.

“Hi guys,” she says to the camera, addressing the thousands of followers subscribed to her YouTube channel, LuciaTepperBeauty. “My name is Lucia, and today I’ll be showing you my makeup and beauty empties.”

She rummages through a bag in her lap, holding up finished mascara containers, lip gloss tubes and blush palettes. She shows each containers’ empty contents to the camera, reviewing her experience with each product. Her resulting video, “Makeup and Beauty Empties! November 2018,” has 3,895 views as of Nov. 6.

Tepper is one of the thousands of beauty vloggers on social media, particularly on YouTube. These vloggers, some of whom are self-proclaimed “beauty gurus,” post videos of themselves creating makeup looks and reviewing products. The most subscribed-to beauty vlogger in the world is Mariand Castrejon Castañeda from Mexico, whose channel, Yuya, has approximately 22.5 million subscribers. Some of the most popular English-speaking beauty gurus are Zoe Sugg, whose Zoella channel has nearly 12 million subscribers, and Jeffree Star with approximately 11 million.

Sophomore Lucia Tepper has over 30,000 subscribers on her YouTube channel, LuciaTepperBeauty. (Julia Cherruault/The Ithacan)

Tepper began her YouTube channel three and a half years ago, initially as a channel sharing videos of her singing. She then changed her mind, deciding to become a beauty vlogger after watching uploads from others in the makeup community.

“I started off just wanting to be a beauty guru,” she said. “I wanted to have a gigantic makeup collection. I wanted to do tutorials and everything.”

She said her channel had 1,000 subscribers until she began a series “Makeup Your Mind” in January 2018. Often to fund buying makeup, some beauty vloggers receive public relations packages of sponsorships or receive payments from advertisements on their channel. While most beauty videos focus on new products, Tepper’s series criticized beauty vloggers’ sponsored products and consumerism. Within a month, she gained 30,000 subscribers. Currently, LuciaTepperBeauty has 31,948 subscribers as of Nov. 6.

One of the more popular topics for beauty videos is “hauls.” YouTubers buy multiple products at once, often from the same makeup brand, and review them. Many haul videos advertise, with aggressive capitalization, the amount of money spent on higher-end brands. Jeffree Star’s video is titled “$2,500 ULTA DRUGSTORE HAUL! | Jeffree Star,” while another channel, COSMEHOLICS ANONYMOUS, posted a video titled “I ACCIDENTALLY SPENT OVER $1000 ON FENTY BEAUTY! (HAUL, PRICES & SWATCHES).”   

“Getting something that’s worth money is like a special occasion,” freshman makeup fan Hannah Brule said. “Then you have that one palette that you love showing people.”

Tepper said her constant consumption of makeup made her anxious, and she began doing “anti-hauls,” where she shows reasons not to buy new things, instead focusing on anti-consumption. She said she’s also done “product panning,” which focuses on “hitting pan” on products, or reaching the bottom of the container and using all of the product available.

She said her series was controversial. Previously, Tepper had released videos that criticized other beauty gurus for accepting PR packages, or sponsored products brands send to review, and advocating constant consumption. She began receiving critical comments, video responses and death threats in the comments of her videos when she later began accepting sponsored products. She said in a video that “anti-consumerism” means being a conscious consumer of products, and she wanted to focus on using and reviewing products while raising awareness of advertising techniques in sponsorships.

“My content is very controversial, which is ridiculous because it’s makeup,” Tepper said. “I never want to cause drama. I just speak my truth, and I really just want to stop people from spending a ton of money and having anxiety. But a lot of people … found things I said controversial.”

Senior Abiola Tubosun-Kassim runs a beauty and lifestyle YouTube channel as well, although her main platform is Instagram. Her Instagram account abiolakassim.mua features bright blue, pink and orange blended eyeshadows and golden highlights. She has a series called #RemixFriday that she uses to recreate makeup looks from other Instagram makeup artists.

“I feel like, for me, it’s more of an art,” she said. “And it allows for myself to feel beautiful, and I get to make other people feel beautiful.”

Tubosun-Kassim said she does makeup for clients on campus and in New York City. She began taking clients in February 2017 and said she charges $30 to $40 per session, usually lasting an hour.

“I try to make it affordable because I know for college students, it’s not that easy to come by for money,” she said.

Tubosun-Kassim says she uses bright colors in her makeup looks. She says she views makeup and beauty as a form of creative expression. (Julia Cherruault/The Ithacan)

The high-end makeup brands many beauty gurus use in their videos are notoriously expensive. So, how much do beauty fans spend on makeup?

“Don’t even ask me that question,” said junior Margaret Tippet, beauty editor of Distinct Magazine. She said she watches beauty vloggers for product reviews to keep up to date on product releases and to decide what drugstore makeup is good quality.

Tippet said that at her peak of using makeup, she would spend $100 a month on beauty supplies. Tubosun-Kassim said her most expensive makeup purchase was Ulta’s Too Faced Sweet Peach Palette, costing $42. The most expensive product on Ulta’s website is $195 for a collection of liquid lipstick. On Fenty Beauty, another high-end makeup brand by pop star Rihanna, a highlight brush goes for $32.

“It’s really expensive,” Tubosun-Kassim said. “I usually just stick to drugstore– friendly stuff from Target or Walmart or stuff like that because it’s really expensive, and sometimes, I don’t have the money to spend on it. So I just try to get it as cheap as possible.”

Tubosun-Kassim also said that there can be limited shades available for darker skin tones. She said as a black woman it can be hard to find her shade range, particularly in higher-end brands, but also in drugstore makeup aisles. The lack of diversity in makeup shades has been discussed by other beauty YouTubers as well. Vlogger Jackie Aina uploaded a video in January 2018 that addressed the lack of products that matched dark skin.

“I feel that with the more high-end … stuff, it’s really hard to find your shade range, and even sometimes with drugstore makeup it’s hard,” Tubosun-Kassim said. “I know there’s this Maybelline Super Stay Foundation that they came out with, and I couldn’t find my shade, and in order for me to have my shade,I would have to mix two colors together. So sometimes it is hard finding the right color, but then there are brands like Fenty Beauty who have the full range for women of color.”

Along with the limited diversity in product shades, another criticism of the beauty industry is its rebranding as feminist. Many beauty gurus have posted about makeup’s empowering effect, like vlogger NikkieTutorials’s upload “ENDING MAKEUP SHAMING!” Others view beauty brands taking advantage of women’s insecurities and need for validation to sell more products. A 2016 study showed that women who wear makeup earn more than women who don’t, and some women say there is pressure to wear perfect makeup.

“It’s kind of f—-–, but it gives you confidence, obviously,” freshman Justine Brady said. “… I think it’s that a lot of the time, makeup artists make this image of themselves that they always look like this, like they always look perfect … when in reality, you need to show that that’s not real.”

Tepper said she used to feel uncomfortable walking around without makeup when she first became involved in the beauty industry. However, she said she now views makeup as an art form and way of expressing herself.

“I think when I first got into it, I got into the idea of I have to do this to look good,” Tepper said. “… It can feel like that, especially if you don’t have self–esteem by yourself, which I didn’t. And then, I took a break from makeup, and when I came back to it, I came back to it as an artistic outlet. And like, I want to learn skills and be good at something, and then that’s when it switched.”

Tubosun-Kassim said she doesn’t think of her makeup use as a feminist statement but another avenue for expressing personality. Equally as prominent as natural makeup looks are dramatic, costume-based makeup tutorials.

“I think makeup is more about expressing yourself,” Tubosun-Kassim said. “You can do so many things with makeup; re–create movie characters and Disney characters and stuff like that, or some people use makeup to write expressions for social justice. … You can use whatever your passion is and express it through your makeup.”

Source: https://theithacan.org/life-culture/makeup-fans-blush-beat-and-blog-on-social-media-sites/