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theseerasures · 3 years

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Conspicuous Media Consumption, 2020

it’s that time of year again! *saddest toot from the party horn*

for those of you just joining us: it’s a “consume a different content every week for 48 weeks of the year” challenge. for a longer explanation, check out last year’s write-up here, and as always, feel free to pop in and ask questions about any and all of this content.

(same disclaimer as last year too: content for this project ONLY here, and not certain...*looks at my billion Sad Cop Lady posts*...hyperfixations.)

(man remember when i was big into X-Men comics earlier this year? better times than these, if only because no one's discoursing about Emma Frost’s woobie/war criminal ratio anymore--her w/w, if you will)

(...i swear at one point i didn’t exclusively like platinum blondes but alas)

Bitter Root (comic, 1 issue finished 1/1/2020): still very cool on a basic concept level, but runs into the Image Comics problem of just not having enough content to keep my interest beyond that. part of that is on me, for picking it up again BEFORE the second arc rolled out, but the first five issues didn’t really follow (or resolve) any cohesive story either, so...meh.

Immortal Hulk (comic, 3 trades finished 1/17/2020): still not gonna be something i care deeply about (maybe one of Bruce’s Hulksonas dyed his hair???), but i do want to give kudos to Al Ewing for sheer consistency in terms of sustaining this level of quality storytelling month by month for more than two years now. working with the dense archive of the Hulk mythos and managing to make it interesting and thoughtful is impressive even if i personally would not expend the same effort.

Disco Elysium (game, finished 1/18/2020): honestly i should have twigged onto what this year was gonna be like when the third thing i drew from the barrel was pure uncut Eastern European flavored depression. i faintly recall people ragging on it for being pretentiously cynical, but i actually thought its core slid more towards idealism than people give it credit for. also gratified that i haven’t heard anything about Robert Kurvitz using slave labor to finish it, which is a thing we have to say about our video games now!!! fun.

Watchmen (TV, 7 episodes finished 1/27/2020): i am a fool who wants to believe in Damon Lindelof and I WAS RIGHT!!! honestly still cannot believe that he pulled off this highwire act with such deft aplomb. might be my favorite TV this year, which is a pretty high bar given how much TV i ended up watching.

On a Sunbeam (comic, finished 2/1/2020): Tillie Walden rightly deserves all the praise for inventive queer storytelling, but i will say that on reread--since i first read this as a webcomic--there ARE some issues with pacing here that clearly come from the foibles of its original intended medium. still just excellent, even if after some plot significant haircuts i was having trouble telling a few folks apart.

Lazarus (comic, 1 trade finished 2/8/2020): it’s so good and i want moooooorrrreee--though obviously Rucka and Lark have the right to take all the time they need. the newer longer issues work really well with the epic prestige drama vibes of the story! i’m into it.

The Good Place (TV, 4 seasons finished 2/18/2020): i’m gonna be super honest: i actually wasn’t a big fan of the finale, nor the last season as a whole. it felt like all of Eleanor’s flaws vanished for a majority of the season, and the Chidi-centric episode where they tried to give a legible justification for why he’s Like This was...i didn’t care for it. still, it’s so good and unique on the WHOLE that we’ll literally never get anything like this ever again, and that counts for a lot.

The Old Republic (game, finished 2/21/2020): it’s an MMO so it will never actually Be Finished so long as the servers aren’t shut down, but i caught up on the content i’d missed in the intervening months. Onslaught thus far has mostly been...kinda bland tbh; going back to Imps vs. Rebs after all the shakeups in the previous expansions feels like a waste.

High Road (album, finished 2/22/2020): someone should tell Kesha not to say that word!! otherwise i was very happy with this album, and happy FOR her even though we don’t know each other. being able to find joy again in the same genre of music you made while you were being horrifically exploited is very cool.

Young Justice (TV, 13 episodes finished 2/28/2020): given how much the middle stuff dragged--STOP KILLING YOUR HIJABI CHARACTER IN HORRIFIC WAYS--i was...actually kinda mad by how the end managed to stick the landing anyway. the day being saved by Vic’s self-acceptance and Violet’s sublime compassion was A+, and even the Brion/Tara switchup was a pleasant surprise, though it relied on me caring about Brion MUCH MORE than i actually did.

Manic (album, finished 2/29/2020): do people still care for/about Halsey? i feel like even That One Song that was on every tumblr gifset ever has kinda faded into obscurity at this point. this album was...okay. i feel like people give Halsey a pass for extremely obvious lyrical turns that they wouldn’t for other folks because of her subject material--which is fine. not really my cup of tea, but i also listened to lots of Relient K this year, so that’s probably a good thing.

Jade Empire (game, 3/10/2020): the only 3D-era Bioware game that didn’t franchise out, and for good fucking reason!!! the Orientalism and appropriation really haven’t aged well, and even beyond that the story was...standard Bioware faire. even my usual “my wife’s a bitch i love her” Bioware type didn’t do it for me, and i just ended up romancing no one. it did make me think a lot about what level of cultural borrowing is accepted nowadays, and why: people still look fondly at Avatar and talk about how ~accurate and respectful it was, for example, despite it being staffed almost entirely by white folks, and the Orientalism ALL OVER the monk class in DND is still fine for some reason.

Alif the Unseen (book, finished 3/31/2020): interesting to have read this AFTER reading The Bird King last year, because it highlights how the intervening years have shifted G. Willow Wilson’s thematic interest and improved her craft. i’m actually quite fond of how her characterization work is rougher here--Alif is extremely flawed to the point of being insufferable, but it makes his development by the end more satisfying. Dina is also just good and i love her

Baldur’s Gate (2 games, finished 5/31/2020): well, having finally finished the series i’m happy to say that it...still doesn’t really do it for me, sorry. any awesome story moments were overshadowed by the EXCRUCIATING inventory management system and the combat (i still don’t know what a THAC0 is and at this point i’m afraid to find out). these games crucially lack the Home Base that later Bioware games were so good about, and that (coupled with the huge cast of characters you can drop off and never see again) really hurts the intimacy for me. by the time we finally did get one it was the Hell Dimension in Throne of Bhaal, and i was just...trying to get through it. (yes, i did just say that about one of the most beloved expansions ever to one of the most beloved games ever.) THIS particular iteration of “my wife’s a bitch i love her” was very good, but the game wouldn’t let me romance her :(

The Underground Railroad (book, finished 6/19/2020): honestly what is there even left to say at this point! it was exactly as good as every critic on the planet said it was, even with my usual aversion to hype. draining and horrifying in turns but still insistent upon a future for Black folks.

Steven Universe (6 seasons and a mooooooviiieeee, finished 7/11/2020): yes, i DID finish the show and almost immediately begin a rewatch. this series is now one of my top five most formative things, and the amount of love and respect i have for it is incalculable. that said: i once again did not love how the central conflict of Future was resolved (just the resolution--i loved the finale just fine). for all of Steven’s breakdown was built up, resolving it with “EVERYONE HUG HIM UNTIL HE CRIES” felt...cheap, especially since up until this point the show had been so good about treating trauma and mental illness with the respect and nuance it deserves. it made me wish some of the earlier, less substantial episodes had been cut so we could spend more time at the end.

What It Is (comic, finished 8/19/2020): y’all i love Lynda Barry SO MUCH. for the longest time i was worried that One Hundred Demons was more a lightning in a bottle situation but every book of hers i pick up makes me feel obscure emotions i didn’t even realize existed. the compassionate way she’s able to describe her child self and how weird and fucked up she was (and still is) is honestly aspirational.

She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (TV, 5 seasons finished 9/26/2020): so here’s a reversal of what i’ve been complaining about with other shows: i was mostly lukewarm-to-warm about She-Ra, but the later seasons and the finale made me much more into it as a whole. more shows should improve in stakes and overall quality as they age tbh!! i still don’t actively love Catradora (my sole quibble with season 5 actually has to do with the way Adora kept backsliding as a character to make certain Plot/Relationship things happen), but i’m very happy for them nonetheless. i can certainly appreciate a show that will go for High Feeling over tight plot. dark horse standout moments: trees growing everywhere proving that Perfuma Was Right, and Hordak and Adora seeing each other--that weirdly intimate moment of recognition.

Fetch the Bolt Cutters (album, finished 10/7/2020): again i find myself not having much to say that no one else has said. it’s good! once again love it when an artist reclaims something they’d attached with negative affect (anxiety, depression, disordered eating) for better and brighter things.

Solutions and Other Problems (comic, finished 10/25/2020): i was very into Allie Brosh’s ambition with this book, which feels weird to say but i stand by it. it’s cool to see an artist try to make a new medium work for them instead of just sticking to what already works. not all the experimentation was 100% effective, but it was still delightful and occasionally devastating to read, so.

Legend of Zelda (3 games: Ocarina of Time, Majora’s Mask, Link Between Worlds, finished 11/1/2020): this was the third time i’d played Ocarina of Time, which made it the nice, comforting groove i settled into before Majora’s Mask blatted me in the face. i’m not usually a completionist Zelda person because...the gameplay in Zelda is bad, do not at me it just is, but i really felt like i HAD to be one for Majora’s Mask since the whole point is to get attached to the banalities of the town. i’m sure nobody’s surprised that i loved it, even if it gave me an existential crisis about how life goes on in the game for NPCs when you’re not there to save them from it, and there’s not enough time to save them all all the time (also not a surprise to anyone: Romani and Cremia gave Personal Feelings). Link Between Worlds...bad. not like in a “this is a bad story by every measurable gauge” way, but i was already struggling with the 2D playstyle shift enough that for the whole story to end with some “yes it’s v sad that Lorule is Like This but trying to steal Hyrule’s privilege is Even Worse Actually” noblesse oblige bullshit left a VERY poor taste in my mouth, this year of all years. i did audibly gasp when Ravio took off his mask, though. i’m currently playing Breath of the Wild in cautious increments; it’s the first time i’ve enjoyed early Zelda gameplay, but if they wanted fully voiced cutscenes i wish they got voice actors who...knew what words sound like.

folklore (album, finished 11/6/2020): my belief that Taylor Swift is Just Fine continues, i’m afraid. i LIKED this album, don’t get me wrong, and respect her constant drive to innovate, but i didn’t love it substantially more or less than any other Taylor Swift album. mostly i’m just tickled by how she thinks leaning into the indie aesthetic means borrowing Vita Sackville-West’s entire wardrobe, though i will admit to feeling Something when she swore in a song. i think it was like. savage vindication?? you go ahead and swear, Taylor Swift. you deserve it.

Shore (album, finished 11/19/2020): do people still care about the Fleet Foxes? i think there was some Drama with Josh Tillman a while back but i don’t remember where the discourse landed with who was being more problematic. it was nostalgic for me to listen to their new album--made me remember being an undergrad who exclusively listened to men who mumbled and played acoustic guitar all over again.

Star Wars (3 movies: original trilogy, finished 11/27/2020): there is So Much bad Star Wars these days that every time i rewatch the original trilogy i’m afraid that they will suddenly be bad, but guess what! they’re not. i love these children and their hot mess stories, i love that Lando doesn’t know how to say his best friend’s name. what stood out to me this time was the way Obi-Wan described the Force in A New Hope, which strongly implied that ANYONE can be Force Sensitive; that obviously faded with each subsequent movie, but part of me does wish they’d kept it.

X of Swords (comics, 22 issues finished 12/5/2020): i am enjoying Hickman’s X-lines!!! not so much here for the Grand Conspiracy or whatever, but the character work and highkey weirdness is fabulous--they FEEL like X-Men, despite all the shakeups in-universe. this crossover is a nice microcosm of all that: grandiloquently all over the place, but still full of cool standout moments and genuine hilarity. ILLYANA DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO SPELL MAGIC.

Fire Emblem (4 games: Sacred Stones, Path of Radiance, Radiant Dawn, Awakening, finished 12/14/2020): this was the thing that i was closest to giving up early on, but i ended up hyperfixating on it instead. that’s a credit to what the gameplay does to my lizard brain more than anything else, because the story and character writing is...insipid. it was very bizarre to witness this franchise blunder around with its animal-people racism allegory around the same time i was getting back into RWBY, and ITS animal-people racism allegory blunders. Awakening was the first time i felt anything for the franchise beyond “teehee red units disappear make exp bar go up and brain go ding,” so i’m excited for more mature storytelling in subsequent games (they MUST get better. they MUST). the child husbandry thing is...very bad tho, and Apotheosis being “challenging” entirely through the game changing all the rules is also bad.

once again no vidya games that came out this year--i’ll probably pick up Spiritfarer or Hades after the New Year, though (or maybe TLOU II! but probably not. sry Laura and Ashley). more TV and franchises this year, which made me feel In Touch with the Children but was also kinda exhausting. nothing was so egregiously terrible i dropped it without finishing! in a year like this that feels almost like an accomplishment

#conspicuous media consumption

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the-desolated-quill · 5 years

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The Quill Seal Of Approval Awards - The Best of 2018

Hello and welcome, dear reader, to the greatest, most important awards ceremony in the history of entertainment. The Quill Seal Of Approval Awards. The award of recognition that everyone on Earth covets even though they don’t know it. For the Quill Seal Of Approval is a most esteemed prize for hard work and artistry. Better than the Golden Globes, more prestigious than the BAFTAs and guaranteed to be more diverse than the Academy Awards. You know your film, novel, TV show or video game has achieved legendary status when some random nobody on the internet says it’s the best in some obscure top 10 list that’s read by only a couple of people. That’s the true sign of success.

First, a few parish notices. Obviously this is my subjective opinion, so if you disagree with my choices, that’s fine. Go make your own list. (also remember that my opinion is 100% objective, scientific, factual and literal truth and anyone who disagrees is clearly a philistine and a dummy and a poopy-head whose mum smells of elderberries). Also please bear in mind that I haven’t been able to experience everything 2018 has to offer for one reason or another. In other words, please don’t be upset that A Star Is Born isn’t on this list. I’m sure it’s as amazing as everyone says it is. I just never got around to watching it.

Okay. Let us begin.

Inside No. 9 - Series 4

BBC2′s Inside No. 9, written by the League of Gentlemen’s Steve Pemberton and Reece Shearsmith, is an anthology series that’s often sadly overlooked, but it’s really worth a watch if you’re into shows like Black Mirror and The Twilight Zone, and this series in particular has been fantastic. We’ve had an episode written entirely in iambic pentameter, an episode whose chronology runs backwards, a live episode that really plays around with the format, episodes containing tragic and biting satire, and one especially twisted episode that brings out a side of Steve Pemberton we’ve never seen before. Series 4 has been a real treat from start to finish, with each episode beautifully written and expertly performed. Inside No. 9 deserves to share the same pedestal as Black Mirror, no question.

Black Panther

I’m sure everyone knows about my less than flattering views on the Marvel Cinematic Universe by now, which is what made Black Panther such a breath of fresh air for me. Stripping away all the convoluted crap, Black Panther has often been compared to The Dark Knight, and for good reason. Like The Dark Knight, this movie uses the superhero genre to tackle real social and political issues. In Black Panther’s case, exploring just what it means to be black in the modern world. Boasting an impressive cast of black actors, strong female characters, an engaging and complex antagonist, fantastic special effects and truly excellent direction from Ryan Coogler, Black Panther represents a new benchmark for Marvel, the superhero genre and the film industry in general. It proves how important and how lucrative diversity and representation in media can be, and it unintentionally shows how flawed the Marvel business model has become. The reason behind Black Panther’s success is simple. It’s because it’s bloody brilliant. And the reason it’s bloody brilliant is because Coogler was allowed to realise his own creative vision without Kevin Feige and Mickey Mouse breathing down his neck. Perhaps they should take note of that in future.

Deadpool 2

Of course Deadpool 2 is going to be on this list. Are you really surprised?

The Merc with the Mouth goes from strength to strength in the rare instance where the sequel is actually as good as, if not better than, the original. The first Deadpool was a great origin story for the character, but Deadpool 2 felt like an adventure ripped straight from the comics themselves. Crass, ultra violent and hysterically funny, Deadpool 2 is the crowning jewel of the X-Men franchise. Fan favourites such as Negasonic Teenage Warhead and Colossus return as well as new characters such as Domino, played by the exceptional Zazie Beetz, Cable, played by the astounding Josh Brolin, and Firefist, played by Julian Dennison who deserves all the success in the world because good God this kid can act!

But of course the star of the film is Deadpool himself with Ryan Reynolds once again proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that he understands this character back to front. Not only is he hysterically funny, capturing the character’s irreverent tone perfectly, he also absolutely nails the tragic underpinnings of Deadpool that make him such a wonderful character. In between the f-bombs and gore are moments of real drama and emotional pathos as the film tackles themes such as loss, discrimination, abuse and suicidal depression. All this whilst taking the piss out of 2017′s Logan.

Oh yeah, and it also features the first openly LGBT superheroes in cinematic history. Fuck you Disney! NegaYukio and Poololosus for the win! LOL! No, but seriously, now that you have the rights to X-Men back, if you try and censor Deadpool in any way, shape or form, I will kick your arse.

God Of War (2018)

“BOY!”

Yes Kratos is back, having successfully destroyed the world of Greek mythology and now has his eyes on the Norse Gods. And he has a son now. What could possibly go wrong?

Seriously though, this new God Of War is simply exquisite. While I have long admired the God Of War franchise for its interpretation and adaptation of Greek mythology, the previous games in the series have never exactly been the most sophisticated when it comes to storytelling (and the less said about the casual sexism, the better. Yes Sony, I promise I understand the thematic reasons behind playing a minigame that allows you to have sex with Aphrodite in God Of War 3, but it still doesn’t change the fact that it’s sexist as shit). God Of War 2018 changes all that with an intelligent and engaging story that allows us understand and connect with Kratos at a more personal level than we’ve ever done before. Taking place years after God Of War 3, Kratos is older, wiser and trying to raise his son Atreus in the hopes that he won’t make the same mistakes Kratos did in his past. Not only is the story amazing, continuing the franchise’s themes of vengeance and the strained relationships between parents and their children, the gameplay is also a ton of fun with many memorable moments and boss fights.

And as an added bonus, we get two strong female characters that aren’t treated like discardable sex objects. That was nice of them.

Incredibles 2

The long awaited sequel to The Incredibles finally arrived in 2018 and it did not disappoint. Incredibles 2 was everything I could have wanted and more. Continuing on from the events of the first movie, we see Elastigirl take the spotlight as she fights the Screenslaver whilst trying to persuade the worlds’ governments to lift the ban on superheroes. Meanwhile Mr. Incredible takes a back seat as he tries to reconnect with his kids Violet, Dash and Jack-Jack and prove he can be a good, supportive dad.

Continuing to draw inspiration from Fantastic Four, X-Men and Watchmen, Incredibles 2 is... well... incredible. Expanding the world he created, Brad Bird tells a smart, funny and compelling story that stands head and shoulders above the majority of superhero movie fodder we get nowadays. Elastigirl flourishes in the lead role this time around and the kids get a lot more development, the Screenslaver is a great villain that compliments the themes of the franchise wonderfully, and we get to see a whole bunch of new characters such as Voyd and the Deavor siblings as well as the return of old favourites like Frozone and Edna Mode.

Honestly, the baby alone is worth the price of admission. Hopefully we won’t have to wait another fourteen years for Incredibles 3.

Marvel’s Spider-Man

Marvel’s Spider-Man is an amazing game. But of course you knew that already. It’s made by Insomniac Games, the same guys behind Ratchet & Clank. Of course it was going to be brilliant.

Simply put, this game does for Spider-Man what the Arkham games did for Batman. Not only is it a great game with brilliant combat and fun web swinging mechanics, it also has a great story worthy of the wall crawler. Unlike the movies, which seem to continuously yank Peter Parker back into high school with each new reboot as those the poor bastard were attached to the fucker on a bungee rope, this Spidey has been fighting crime for eight years. With great power comes many responsibilities as we see him struggle to juggle crime fighting, his new job as a scientist, his commitments to helping Aunt May at the F.E.A.S.T shelter and trying to win his ex Mary Jane Watson back after a six month split. It’s a brilliant story featuring many classic villains such as Shocker and Electro as well as lesser known villains like Screwball and the criminally underrated Mister Negative who finally gets to be the central antagonist in a Spider-Man adaptation. It’s fun to play, engaging, dramatic and really emotional at points. I cried real tears at the end. What a punch to the gut that was.

OOOOOH! And we might be getting to play as Miles Morales in the sequel! I sure hope so! :D

The Grinch

At this point I imagine many of you are scratching your heads.

“Really Quill? The Grinch? Illumination’s The Grinch? This deserves the Quill Seal Of Approval? Are you sure?” Yes dear reader, I’m absolutely sure. Just hear me out.

It’s true that the majority of Dr Seuss adaptations are shit. While the live action version of the Grinch starring Jim Carrey has a cult following and is fondly remembered by some, it’s still pretty crap, and even Illumination themselves screwed up royally with their adaptation of The Lorax. But this new Grinch is truly excellent. For starters, the animation is gorgeous. This is clearly the format that works best for Seuss movies. Benedict Cumberbatch does a really good job voicing the character, giving him depth and complexity beyond just being a big old meanie. The film also has something no other Seuss film has ever had before. Subtlety. Illumination have clearly learned their lesson after The Lorax. They’re no longer bashing you over the head with a moral message. They’re not trying to over-complicate a simple story by adding pointless sub-plot after pointless sub-plot. In fact the bits they do add actually feed into the main core of the narrative, as opposed to The Lorax, which just confused things. And while there are cute Minion-esque sidekicks like there are in a lot of Illumination films, The Grinch limits it to two (Max the dog and a reindeer named Fred), they’re both legitimately funny, serve an important narrative purpose and don’t distract from the more serious and emotional moments.

In all honesty, I was debating between giving the Quill Seal of Approval to The Grinch or to Bumblebee (the first legitimately good Transformers movie), but I decided to go with The Grinch because of how it handles the character and the story’s message. A lot of people scoffed at the idea of giving the Grinch a back story (and to the film’s credit they don’t force the issue or over-explain where the Grinch came from) but it’s honestly what makes this new adaptation of The Grinch so special to me. He’s gone from being a Scrooge-like monster to an anxiety filled misanthrope who associates Christmas with being alone. It may sound like a jarring change on paper, but in practice it honestly works so well and adds a whole new dimension to the Grinch. It’s treated with absolute care and sincerity and the film really earns its emotional moments, particularly at the end when we see the Grinch sit down to have Christmas dinner with the Whos.

If you haven’t already, I highly recommend you give this new Grinch a chance. You might be pleasantly surprised :)

Doctor Who - Series 11

A woman?! In the TARDIS?! How absurd!

Jodie Whittaker made history as the first woman to play the Doctor and the new series doesn’t disappoint. Whittaker is predictably brilliant in the role, giving the character compassion, charm and wit. We also get a new bunch of companions (including the always brilliant Bradley Walsh as Graham) who all have some great moments in Series 11 and the relationships they form with each other is incredibly touching and fun to watch. But the writing, my God, the writing. Admittedly not every episode has been perfect, but it’s leagues above anything Moffat has given us during his disastrous reign. The majority of Series 11 has been well written and intelligent, tackling important and relevant social issues (something Doctor Who has always been doing and anyone who says otherwise is an idiot) and focusing on likeable and relatable characters rather than convoluted series arcs. We got to meet Rosa Parks, witness the partition of India, and ponder on the dangers of automation whilst the Doctor tries to save the world from bubble wrap. Oh, and the Daleks are scary again! I know! I couldn’t believe it either!

What makes this all the more remarkable is who the showrunner is. Chris Chibnall. A writer I’ve often criticised in the past for being derivative and shit, and yet somehow he’s managed to create some of the best Doctor Who I’ve seen in a long time. Not only has his writing improved dramatically since his Torchwood days, he’s also demonstrated a commitment to having diverse representation both in front of and behind the camera as well as in the scripts themselves. For the first time in what feels like an age, Doctor Who feels like Doctor Who again, and I’m ecstatically happy.

Spider-Man: Into The Spider-Verse

How come we don’t see many animated superhero movies in the cinema? Considering the medium from which superheroes came from, you’d think it would be a no-brainer. Presumably it’s because Disney have got such a strangle hold on the animation market, but that’s hopefully going to change thanks to Spider-Man: Into The Spider-Verse (or, Sony’s Repentance for The Emoji Movie).

Let’s get the obvious out of the way. The animation is gorgeous. It’s pretty much an animated comic book and it stands out as one of the most unique looking animated films in recent memory. Spider-Verse is essentially a love letter to the legacy of Spider-Man as we see multiple different versions of Spidey, including Spider-Gwen, Spider-Ham and Nicholas Cage as Ghost Rider cosplaying as Spider-Man Noir, demonstrating not only the sheer variety of Spider-Men we’ve had over the years, but also exploring what connects them together. With all these different interpretations across many different universes, the idea of Spider-Man comes to the same thing. An ordinary person who experiences tragedy and becomes something greater. It’s hopeful and inspirational in a way Spider-Man films hasn’t been for a while now (Spider-Man: Homecoming sucked donkey balls. Period).

But let’s not forget that while the film explores the Spider-Verse, the main focus is Miles Morales who finally makes his cinematic debut. Not only is it a very faithful adaptation of Ultimate Spider-Man’s origin story, Miles himself is such a great central character for the modern age and arguably has more relevance to today than Peter Parker does. The characters are funny and relatable and the story is expertly crafted and impactful. But then what do you expect from the writers and directors of The Lego Movie? (if only Disney hadn’t interfered with Solo: A Star Wars Story. We could have had it all).

Mowgli: Legend Of The Jungle

This one kind of snuck up on me toward the end of December, but I knew the moment I saw it I had to include it on this list.

Mowgli: Legend Of The Jungle is an adaptation of The Jungle Book with Andy Serkis making his directorial debut. Yes the same guy who did the motion capture for Gollum in Lord Of The Rings and Caesar in the rebooted Planet Of The Apes movies and who totes deserves an Oscar for Best Actor (fuck you Academy Awards!), and he brings this same motion capture technology to this film. Unlike Disney’s Jungle Book, which merely rehashes the original animated film whilst somehow stripping all the charm from it, Mowgli sticks closer to the original Rudyard Kipling book. This isn’t a cheery musical. This film is often dark and intense as we see Mowgli (played wonderfully by Rohan Chand) struggle to find his place in the world. He knows he doesn’t belong with the animals in the jungle, but he doesn’t really fit in with the world of man neither. It’s an emotional and dramatic character piece brought to life by great writing, great acting and stunning special effects.

Andy Serkis has expressed a desire to do an adaptation of George Orwell’s Animal Farm, and after watching this movie, I would love to see that. If you haven’t already, go watch Mowgli: Legend Of The Jungle. It’s available to stream on Netflix and it’s truly amazing.

And that’s it for 2018. Congratulations to the winners of this year’s Quill Seal Of Approval Awards. Unfortunately we’re on a limited budget here on The Desolated Quill, so I can’t offer any sort of trophy or medal or anything. What I can do though is write the words ‘I’m an awesome cookie’ on a post-it note and stick it on your forehead. Will that do?

#quill seal of approval awards 2018 #quill seal of approval awards #best of the year #review #opinion

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mrjoelgarcia9 · 6 years

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Let’s Talk #Shrek

The internet has ruined Shrek.

Also Smash Mouth.

For my thoughts on Shrek, as well as "All Star”, feel free to keep reading. There will be spoilers.

The Shrek franchise is based on the 1990 book Shrek! by William Steig, although only the first film adapted parts of the book. The first film came out in 2001, and it went on to win the first Academy Award for Best Animated Feature. For those wondering, it beat out Disney/Pixar’s Monsters, Inc. and Nickelodeon’s Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius.

Shrek is a timeless masterpiece with a great original story full of satire, great protagonists, and a hilarious villain.

Shrek 2 is a great sequel that not only continues the story but also expands upon the universe with more great satire, an excellent plot, and a hilarious climax involving the song “Holding Out for a Hero”.

Shrek The Third is one of the worst animated films ever made.

It starred a horribly miscast Justin Timberlake as Arthur, had too many new characters that added nothing to the story, a dull climax, and tried but failed to make the comedic Prince Charming into a serious villain. It also clearly showed that DreamWorks needed to transition away from making the animated equivalents of the Scary Movie franchise.

Shrek Forever After was a decent conclusion to the franchise by fully wrapping up Shrek’s journey from loner to family man. While the villain was somewhat forgettable, the premise was really good and it was interesting to see the alternate universe versions of the characters.

Aside from the films, there have been several spinoffs: a couple of holiday TV specials, multiple shorts, a theme park ride, and a Broadway musical. In addition, the Puss In Boots character was spun-off into his own film, shorts, and a TV show on Netflix that ran for 78 episodes from 2015 to 2018.

While there have been no new Shrek-centered productions since 2011, a lot of people on the internet have inexplicably become obsessed with the character. This has included a CG model in the popular game Garry’s Mod being used to bizarre extents, disturbing fan fiction, and weird requests to include Shrek in Super Smash Bros.

There is nothing wrong with the meme. It is just that certain fans take the character to very disturbing extremes. If someone were to first find out about Shrek from either the Garry’s Mod videos or crossover fan fiction, they might think the films are about a creepy insane ogre.

The meme, to a lesser extent, also includes the first film’s opening song “All Star” by Smash Mouth. In that film, the song's upbeat attitude perfectly contrasted with the opening featuring Shrek doing mundane, yet slightly disgusting, things while a mob prepares to hunt him down.

What I find hilarious about “All Star” being heavily attached to Shrek is that the song was not originally made for that film. It was originally released in 1999, two years before the film came out, and attached to the obscure superhero comedy film Mystery Men.

The song’s music video begins with a brief clip from that film and the band later integrates themselves into a scene where the heroes attack a car. In 2000, the year prior to Shrek, it was shoehorned into the ending of Digimon: The Movie.

The song Smash Mouth actually recorded for the first film, a cover of The Monkees’ “I’m a Believer”, is ironically almost ignored by the internet despite that music video actually featuring Shrek.

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A few years ago, when DreamWorks Animation was acquired by NBCUniversal, their new owners were hopeful for a fifth film.

Should there be a Shrek 5? No.

Economically, it is understandable why NBCUniversal wants a fifth film. Shrek is one of DreamWorks Animation’s most successful franchises. Their only other franchises that can rival Shrek are Kung Fu Panda and How to Train Your Dragon, both of which have each produced three films, one holiday special, and long-running TV shows.

The only way Shrek 5 could work is if it presented a story reminiscent of Kung Fu Panda 3 or How to Train Your Dragon 2. Both films presented stories of their respective protagonists meeting a long-lost parent and finding out something they never knew about their past.

Shrek 5 could present a similar story by introducing either his parents, a sibling, or a long-lost relative and introduce a previously unknown ogre community reminiscent of Shrek Forever After.

Frankly, there is no need for a fifth film. Shrek’s journey ended on the right note. Trying to create a new conflict between Shrek and his friends would seem like a repetition of the fourth film. Said film, and Puss in Boots, also featured any remaining notable fairy tale characters not shown in the first three films.

A fifth film would have to either introduce far more obscure fairy tale characters or go back to dissing Disney with new satirical takes on Aladdin, Beauty and the Beast, and The Princess and the Frog.

Then again, it seems like Disney is about to beat them at their own game with the upcoming film Ralph Breaks the Internet: Wreck-It Ralph 2.

In the meantime, DreamWorks Animation is currently working on sequels to How to Train Your Dragon, Trolls, The Croods, and The Boss Baby. Depending on the box office success of those sequels, Shrek 5 might just be their next film.

The complete Shrek film series is available on Blu-ray, Digital HD, and DVD.

Until next time, thank you for reading!

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tylerhoechlin · 7 years

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Back From the Brink

Dylan O’Brien was groomed to be Hollywood’s next young leading man. Then a tragic accident made him question everything.

Dylan O’Brien knows you want to know what happened to him.

Some people search his face for scars. Others ask the 26-year-old actor questions about the accident in 2016 that nearly cut short his career and could have ended his life. For more than a year, he was able to dodge that scrutiny and recover in private. Now, with a new movie coming out and a press tour required to promote it, things are different.

“I was anticipating this for a long time,” he says over lunch at the Four Seasons in Los Angeles. “It used to really anger me, even just the thought of it. I just knew that eventually, I would have to be asked about this.”

He confesses these angry thoughts about as affably as any person could, as though he’s upset to even get upset. That doe-eyed decency has proved key to O’Brien’s screen appeal: In his breakthrough role as the lead of the Maze Runner franchise, he’s introduced in media res, thrust into a coliseum of YA terrors before we even learn who his character is. As he shakes and shivers and tries, alongside the audience, to make sense of his otherworldly predicament, you can’t help but root for him.

Not every actor can inspire that feeling in a viewer, but in O’Brien’s case, it’s so innate that the director of his new film, the action vehicle American Assassin, cast him simply after looking at his head shot. “I remember in that first discussion with my producers, names were being thrown around, and the one name I didn’t know yet was Dylan’s,” says Michael Cuesta. “I Googled him, I saw his picture, and I just said instinctively, ‘He’s right.’ There was an innocence and a vulnerability to him, and I hadn’t even seen his work yet. It’s an instinct you just have to trust.”

Cuesta wasn’t the only one besotted. At a time when Hollywood likes to import most of its young leading men from overseas — like Spider-Man’s Tom Holland, Star Wars breakout John Boyega, and an entire family of Hemsworths — The Maze Runner established O’Brien as a rare homegrown movie star. His profile grew ever larger while he shot the sequels to The Maze Runner and neared the end of his time on the MTV series Teen Wolf, and as work began on the third and final Maze Runner film, O’Brien started to look ahead to the future.

And then, just days into shooting that sequel, O’Brien was seriously injured in a stunt gone wrong. Pulled from one vehicle, he was reportedly struck by another, leaving him with a concussion, facial fracture, and brain trauma among his injuries. Production shut down for several weeks, then indefinitely. O’Brien withdrew from public view during his recovery as rumors flew that he might not return to the film. Half a year went by as O’Brien tried to heal and, at the lowest point in his life, mulled whether he wanted to continue his career at all. “I really was in a dark place there for a while and it wasn’t an easy journey back,” says O’Brien. “There was a time there where I didn’t know if I would ever do it again … and that thought scared me, too.”

Now, though, he is ready to talk about it.

“In a lot of ways, those six months went by like that,” he says, snapping his fingers. “And then, in a lot of ways, I can still remember that six months as if it was five years of my life.”

…………………………

Ask most young actresses when they wanted to become a movie star, and it won’t even be a question: They’ve been planning for it their whole lives. Kristen Stewart has been acting since she was a preteen, and at 14, Emma Stone put together a PowerPoint presentation to convince her parents to move to Los Angeles so she could go on auditions. But young American men seem come to acting differently — or indifferently. Channing Tatum was a model and dancer who happened into commercials before becoming a movie star. Chris Pratt happily toiled in obscurity as a Bubba Gump waiter in Hawaii when he was convinced by a customer to act in her film.

O’Brien’s foray into the industry was similarly unplanned. His parents had the expertise — O’Brien’s mother taught an acting class, while his father moved the family to California when O’Brien was 12 so he could pursue work as a camera operator — but in high school, he played drums in a jazz band instead of signing up for drama class. Like many of his classmates, though, O’Brien had a habit of posting videos to YouTube. They’re still there today: Check out his user page at “moviekidd826” and you can watch all 14 of his short comic sketches. Some of them are fairly simple, like his too-enthusiastic lip sync to the Spice Girls song “Wannabe,” and one of the uploaded clips is a teen staple, the video he made to ask a girl to prom.

Still, the shorts are clever and surprisingly narrative-driven, and O’Brien is a deft comic performer in all of them. He wouldn’t have thought of what he was doing as acting — he was just being himself, after all. But it’s exactly that unvarnished quality that made him so appealing, and as the videos began to circulate, he was signed by a woman who is still his manager today. Soon enough, he was being sent out to audition for projects like Valentine’s Day and Wizards of Waverly Place.

He hadn’t grown up knowing that he wanted to be an actor, but give O’Brien some credit: Once he figured that out, he committed hard. “My first semester of college, I’m going to sociology and English and psychology and all I cared about was getting home and preparing for whatever audition I had,” he says. “I’d be on IMDb looking at projects in development that I’d be right for and I’d send them to my manager and be like, ‘What’s going on with this?’” His ambition often outstripped his experience. “I was obsessed with having one of those auditions finally work out, and I was very impatient,” he recalls, laughing. “My manager would be like, ‘You have to understand, this could take years.’ And I was like, ‘No, no, no, I’m going to get one of these.’”

Only a few months after his high-school graduation, that’s exactly what happened. O’Brien was cast on Teen Wolf, a fledgling MTV series based on the campy 1980s movie. This version skewed darker and filled its cast with hunks, with the howls meant to come from the audience each time a sexy werewolf stripped off his shirt. It was a notable hit for MTV, and though O’Brien was cast as the human best friend — not as the protagonist, Scott, or as any of the eye-candy beasts on the show — the role was a good fit for his boy-next-door charm. He wasn’t just Scott’s friend. He felt like yours, too.

“That show really became my school in a lot of ways,” says O’Brien. “I never took a second on set for granted. Even on my first day on the pilot, when my work finished for the day but then they were going to this other location to shoot another scene, I just went with them.” As a cable show, Teen Wolf filmed only five months out of the year, so O’Brien had plenty of time to hop on to other projects: He took Zooey Deschanel’s virginity in a New Girl flashback and popped up on the big screen in films like the teen romance The First Time and the Vince Vaughn–Owen Wilson comedy The Internship. “I would want to get on as many sets as I could,” he said. “And I was still very much ambitious about being in movies, too.”

In 2013, the year after The Hunger Games hit big, O’Brien was cast as the lead in another book-to-film YA franchise, The Maze Runner. The rare $100 million hit toplined by a young actor under 25, it propelled O’Brien onto studio short lists and led to more work in bigger movies, including Peter Berg’s Deepwater Horizon and a Maze Runner sequel, The Scorch Trials. 20th Century Fox picked up an action comedy with O’Brien attached, a sign of his growing clout, and as Cuesta looked for someone to play black-ops recruit Mitch Rapp in American Assassin, based on a popular book series by the late Vince Flynn, he alighted on O’Brien.

“He looks like a boy next door, like my son’s older friends,” says Cuesta. “Like a young man who has one foot in that postadolescent place and is about to cross over into adulthood and take that rite of passage.”

In March 2016, just as O’Brien headed to Vancouver to film Maze Runner: The Death Cure, he committed to star in American Assassin, which would represent his biggest break so far from youth-driven fare. He planned to film that after wrapping The Death Cure, squeeze in some time to shoot Teen Wolf’s farewell season, and move on to the movies that studios had been setting up for him.

“To see him blossom in his career and see what he was taking on, it was amazing to watch,” says O’Brien’s father, Patrick. “And then to see that broken … it was hard.”

…………………………

O’Brien would rather not relive the particulars of his accident. “There’s really been one or two people who have tried to dig and find out what happened and I cut it off,” he says. “And I’m comfortable with where I draw the line.”

What’s known is that after that stunt on the set of The Death Cure went awry and production shut down on March 18, 2016, the studio planned to resume filming May 9, hoping to still make the film’s set February 2017 release date. Weeks later, though, it was clear that O’Brien’s injuries were so serious that filming could not begin again.

“I had lost a lot of function, just in my daily routine,” says O’Brien. “I wasn’t even at a point where I felt like I could handle social situations, let alone showing up and being responsible for work every day. Long hours on set, delivering a performance and carrying a movie … it just makes your palms sweat.”

O’Brien calls his recovery process “overwhelming,” though the biggest toll the accident took on him was psychological. Even if he could find his way back to the sense of stability he had before the accident, and even if those scars could heal, would he still want to return to the high-flying movie career he’d worked so hard to set up? After it all went away, he couldn’t even be sure he was the same person anymore.

“And then there was a part of me, too, that was feeling pressured and stressed out by the mere fact that I had all of these people still emailing me, checking in,” he says. “I would get so fucking mad. Like if ever I heard from a producer [who was] seeing when I’d be able to get back on set, I’d fucking go nuts. It would really, really piss me off.”

But as O’Brien recovered in private, rumors flew that his injuries were much more extensive than was reported, and the people behind the projects O’Brien had set up were forced to weigh their options. Cuesta didn’t want to recast American Assassin, but he also didn’t know what state his star was in. During his recovery, O’Brien had not communicated with the production in four months.

“I didn’t want to let it go, and I also had this really interesting, deeper connection to this character over the course of those four months because of what I was going through,” says O’Brien. American Assassin begins with a freak tragedy, as Rapp’s fiancée is gunned down by terrorists during a beach vacation and dies in his arms. Lost in a rabbit hole of grief, Rapp spends the next few months weaponizing his anger and decides to hunt down her killers himself. “I felt like I could portray that and wanted to be the one to do that justice — it was almost like an honor for me at that point,” O’Brien says. “But at the same time, I was still in such a fragile personal state that I had this other force telling me, like, ‘No fucking way’ that I can do it. ‘This is too soon, too soon. Tell them to leave me alone, I need more time.’”

Unfortunately, the film didn’t have much time to spare. If American Assassin didn’t go into production before a certain date, the film rights would revert back to Flynn’s estate, and if O’Brien still wanted to play Rapp, he’d have to spend two months getting into physical shape for the role. It was a daunting regimen of learning fight choreography and adding muscle to his frame that would take a lot of work for any actor, let alone one who was still reeling from his physical nadir. “I knew it wouldn’t be getting back on the horse in a light way,” says O’Brien.

And so, at the end of July, he recommitted to American Assassin. It was a signal to the industry that he wanted to work again, even if, privately, he still wondered if he’d be able to make it through. On the one hand, the time O’Brien spent in the gym with action coordinator Roger Yuan gave him something that he could focus on during those long days. But even as he grew physically stronger, O’Brien was still struggling with heavy emotional and psychological episodes during his recovery.

“Sometimes I’d literally show up at the gym having a panic attack, and my trainer would be like, ‘All right, let’s just go get breakfast,’” says O’Brien, who came to treat Yuan almost like a therapist. “I can’t give enough credit to him … he was really there for me, and not just like a trainer where it’s like, ‘Well, come on, man, I gotta pump you up.’ He cared more about my mind and the state that I was in.”

Near the end of their training, O’Brien was in the best physical shape he’d ever been, an unlikely development given the events of the last few months. But despite all that training to become Mitch Rapp, O’Brien’s anxiety only grew as the start date drew near. The day he was supposed to fly to London to prepare to film the movie, O’Brien had what he describes as an emotional breakdown in the airport. With his father and girlfriend Britt Robertson by his side, he questioned whether he could continue.

“I didn’t even think they’d let me on the plane, to be honest,” he says. “I must have looked high or something.” O’Brien’s father, who had planned to spend the first few weeks in London getting his son acclimated, proved to be the rock he needed in that moment. “I don’t think I would have been able to step onto the plane without him,” says O’Brien.

“That was a tough year for us,” says his father Patrick. “It was hard to see him like that … he’s such a special kid.” Patrick had never set foot on one of Dylan’s sets before — “I thought it was important to let it be his life and not be mine” — but on the first day Dylan shot American Assassin, he knew he had to be there. “It was mind-blowing,” says Patrick. “I was watching him from the monitors, and he was busting out 50 push-ups in between takes.”

It was all for a wordless sequence where we catch up with Mitch months after his fiancée’s death, watching him train and harden himself in his dark apartment. As O’Brien walloped on a punching bag and bust out dozens of pull-ups, the intensity was like nothing Patrick had seen from his son before: “Obviously, I’m getting concerned. I’m watching the monitors and I’m seeing the stress he’s putting on his body and his face and all the places that have been of some concern of late.”

When Cuesta called “cut,” Patrick walked past the first assistant director and up to Dylan. “I was almost nose to nose with him, and I’m not sure he saw me right away. He was in it, as much as you can be in it. And I said, ‘Dylan?’ He looked at me and kind of focused. And I said, ‘Are you okay?’ And he said, ‘I’m good.’”

“If he didn’t have the accident,” says Cuesta, “would he have connected that well with Mitch? I don’t know, but it definitely brought truth to it.”

O’Brien acknowledges that, too. “I’d just been through a lot that summer and the fact that you spend all this time not even knowing if you can do that again …” He pauses, and swallows. “Even right now, it’s just kind of hard to talk about.”

It helps, he says, that Patrick came aboard for the rest of the shoot as a camera operator, staying by his side when he needed him most. With his father there, he could be fearless. “I would just think about where I was at psychologically in June and July, how insurmountable the task seemed to me,” says O’Brien. “And then just to be there on the last day knowing that I did it, with my dad there at my side, it was just a really, really great feeling.”

“He’s in a good place now,” says Patrick. “And nothing makes a parent happier.”

…………………………

O’Brien doesn’t sugarcoat his recovery. Sitting in front of me at lunch, he looks every inch the movie star he was before: hair tousled, eyes bright, his face covered only by stubble. He is candid about what it took to get to this point, though, and even after filming American Assassin, the question remained: Was he ready to finish Maze Runner: The Death Cure, putting to bed the series that had given him so much and taken plenty, too?

“Nothing inside of you wants to go back to that,” O’Brien admits. “It took a lot of deep searching past those gut instincts that I was having just because of the trauma that I experienced to realize that I did want to finish it.”

Did he consider asking the studio to move on without him? “I wouldn’t have been ultimately happy with that, I don’t think. In the moment, it would have been a temporary relief because I would have run from it, but it would have always stuck with me a little bit … I knew it was going to be really hard, harder than Assassin probably, but [I thought] if I got through that, I can get through this, and I think I’ll come out of the other side being really happy that I did it. And I did.”

He resumed filming The Death Cure in March, which is now set for release in January 2018. His father followed him to South Africa, where the movie was shot, and was made a co-producer on the film; O’Brien now counts it among his best experiences on a project. He even found time to return to the final season of Teen Wolf, which had written around his absence while he recovered. The series finale of that show will air on September 24, and soon enough, every obligation O’Brien had set before his accident will be behind him.

“Coming out of the other side of all this is basically a whole new chapter, and I think I will be going about it differently,” he says. “I’m excited to have more balance going forward. Like, I’m not somebody I don’t think who’s going to do three or four movies a year and feel like I have to constantly pump them out. I think there’s something to be said about pacing yourself.”

In the meantime, he’s bought his first house, which gives him a little stability in an uncertain industry. He recently threw a party there to celebrate his 26th birthday — “It turned into more of a rager than I intended it to be,” he laughs — and an hour into it, O’Brien and his friends were already jumping off the roof into his pool. It’s a future that he could not have imagined just a year and a half ago.

“I’m excited to see what comes my way, see what I’m interested in next, and just see what happens,” says O’Brien. After Teen Wolf and The Maze Runner conclude, it’s wide-open space. “It’s the first time that I’ll be operating in my career without those two roles, really.”

He thinks about it and smiles. “It’s good, though, to not have that safety net.”

[source: Vulture]

#wow #dylan o'brien #american assassin #this was really hard to read #article #vulture #accident #recovery #patrick o'brien #michael cuesta #scruffysterekposts

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therobotmonster · 7 years

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Obscure Enemies of the NES TMNT Game

There is a shocking lack of coverage of the original TMNT NES game, outside of very justified commentary on its unfair difficulty and some poor design decisions (like the dam message).

But the TMNT NES game is unique in that it was very early in the for-kids TMNT canon, and has a lot of wacky concepts that don’t show up anywhere else. I’m not going to be bothering with Mousers and Foot Ninjas and the like, but baddies that are original to the game.

Unless otherwise noted, the names are my inventions, as only a few enemies got names/descriptions in the manual.

Sewer Bug - Your basic fly-back-and-forth baddie, the Sewer Bug is one of the less interesting entries. Its hard to tell from the sprite, but it is either some kind of mutated wasp or bee or its a robot bug-shaped drone used by the Foot, and either way it meshes well with TMNT.

Stick ‘em Up/the Roof Leaper (official name): From the manual: “Ignorant to the force of gravity this pesty (sic) sewer thug (the product of a horrible chemical spill) pounces about on ceiling pipes, waiting to rain terror from above.” Chemical spill created sewer mutants, now we’re talking. I love the implication that they’re immune to gravity because they don’t know about it.

Fire Freak (official name) and Clone: From the Manual: “An ex-pyromaniac from Brookyln, this hot dog takes careful aim before launching fireballs that turn into clones of himself.:” One assumes there was some mutagen involved in Fire Freak’s career change from pyromaniac to Foot Clan stooge. There’s something about “dude made of fire that throws other dudes made of fire at you” that’s very NES era, and I kinda want to see the new TMNT series have a go at updating this guy.

Mecaturtle (Official Name): From the Manual: “Appearing like your average turtle, this level 3 commander will show his true colors if you do him any harm.” They probably meant “Mechaturtle”, but the manual says “Mecaturtle” and so that’s his name. He’s basically the Terminator wearing an off-color Leonardo suit instead of the usual Austrianwear. Oh, and he’s got swords for hands and shoots missiles.

I have to wonder if Mecaturtle was a prototype for Metalhead and the other robo-turtles throught the series. The blue Leonardo with orange bands and pads disguise tempts me to figure customization.

Chansawiac: This guy is an enigma wrapped in a riddle wrapped in standard 80s video game logic. All we know for sure is he loves: 1) Chainsaws, 2) Waving chainsaws wildly while walking back and forth, 3) Purple pants with footies, probably not in that order. He seems to be wearing either a hockey mask, making him a lazy Leatherface/Jason mashup, or a fleshtone Iron Man helmet, which makes him my favorite SDCC cosplayer this year.

Divebombs: Krang saw the destructive power of a heat-seeking missile and said “That’s good, but can we make it slower and <urrrp> less effective?” His minions then come up with this, a nerf football missile with wings cribbed form a flying machine from Leonardo da Vinci’s notebooks. If you get near you, it dives at you like a suicidal hawk. I’d say this was a dumb idea for a weapon, but Krang’s minions literally have rocks in their heads, so I’ll grade on a curve and give this a B, mostly for creativity.

Rock Soldier: Maybe this golem-guy is supposed to be one of Krang’s rock soldiers? He crouches down into a “sleeping” position where he’s invulnerable only to get up and throw vague crescents of energy at you. Weirdly, there’s a badguy in the NES Wolverine game that had essentially the same shtick, so at least this guy kept working after the Foot let him and the rest of these guys go.

Spydrone: A basic flying robot spy that does damage on impact. Not much to write home about. Unless, of course, you’re a fan of the 1987 Jessica Tandy sci-fi/comedy Batteries Not Included.

Sky Prawn: Some kind of flying mutant bug or crustacean. They might be beetles, or shrimp with claws, or mosquitoes, but no matter what they are, they fly sideways and like to knock you out of the air while you’re making stupidly precise jumps.

Foot Balloon: Part of me really wants to think this was a toy concept that got abandoned. Its a balloon with a mechanical claw holding a bomb. It flies over you with its flapping wings (why?) and drops it, proving once again that the Foot are the leaders in the field of overly complicated explosive delivery systems.

Boomerang Bouncer: As a kid I thought this guy was a sort of sub-Bebop pig mutant, but now he looks more like Vin Diesel wearing red sweatpants and wraparound shades. He hops around like a jackass and throws boomerangs. In the 80s, Big Boomerang had an iron grip on the video game industry, so his inclusion was inevitable.

Wandering Eyes: They’re eyes with spider-legs, one of the most vulnerable parts of the human body, stripped of its meager defenses and let loose with nothing so much as a mouth. Look at how bloodshot they are. Every piece of dust they touch is burning agony. A normal spider would have been more dangerous but crawling eyes are more about psyching out the enemy than actually hurting them.

Unemployed Mutant Toad: The Turtles are doomed to run into mutant frogs or toads no matter where they go, and this game is no exception. They hop, they hit you with their tongues, pretty straightforward. Shredder hasn’t seen clear to give these guys clothing and they show no skills, martial arts or otherwise. If you squint, they might be tail-less chameleons, which is at least a bit more unique.

Big FleaKid: Big fleas have little fleas, Upon their backs to bite 'em, And little fleas have lesser fleas, and so, ad infinitum. Of the many, many enemies that hop in this game, this guy is my favorite. I love his blue colorscheme, his very humanoid-mutant bipedal design, the whole package. I imagine him as being a fast-talking swindler working for the Foot clan to make ends meet.

Wall Crawler: One of Krang’s robot minions, he only shows up toward the end of the game during the wall-crawling stages to crawl at you along the walls. You’d think a Ninja Turtles game would have used the climbable wall throughout the game, but you’d also expect them to make the Dam level playable by human beings. The NES TMNT game knows what its about, however, so neither one of those things happened.

Dimension X Trooper: Ok, Krang can be sensible! We have what is either a robot or a human in armor, decked out with a jetpack and a laser gun. He uses both at the same time, flying and shooting, and compared to some of his coworkers (I’m looking at you, Boomerang Bouncer) he’s an overachiever, if a little simply designed. He shows up in later stages as a general foe and a low-power miniboss.

Gunbot: He walks, he shoots, he’s like ED209, ET and Robocop had a baby. He’s not thrilling, but at least he mostly makes sense. He walks and shoots, doing the minimum required to get paid as a low-level video game flunky. This is why you’re never going to get promoted, Gunbot.

Whirly N.E.R.D. (Negligibly Effective Robot Drone): They take the place of Sky Prawns in later enemy sets. Essentially a robot scorpion with a helicopter blade attached to its tail in place of a stinger, removing the whole reason one would design a robot to look like a scorpion. If it is a robot, that is. TMNT for the NES doesn’t like you being able to tell the robots from the bugs, but this guy leans a bit more mechanical to my eye.

Dragon Knight: From this point on “mostly making sense” is not in the cards. This towering, probably robotic, warrior breathes fire and walks back and forth, which seems normal enough for a video game, unless you kill him by hitting his body. If you do that, his head will fly off, using the ears on the helmet as wings, and rush back and forth at high speed. I don’t know what raises more questions, him possibly being a robot designed to do this, or him being literally anything else.

Man-O-Bubbles: Ever since Metroid, flying jellyfish have been no surprise in video games. What is a surprise is when they explode into painful bubbles. Not when you kill them, just at random. While this could be a mutant, it seems more like something Krang would have smuggled in from Dimension X.

Kangosaurus-Bot V.4: Ok, so we’ve got a vaguely-Hadrosaurid robot dinosaur or possibly a kangaroo. With no arms. Who fights by jumping around and attacking with its tail. This is obviously one of Krang’s, but what is the goal here? Is this a robot version of some Dimension-X native animal? Is Krang really into Dougal Dixon? Were the comical arms with boxing gloves not ready by the time the Turtles breach the Technodrome? NES TMNT, give me your secrets!

Rock-Roc: This thing is either a hawk that has been trained to drop boulders larger than itself on talking humanoid turtles, or ti is a ROBOT hawk DESIGNED to drop boulders larger than itself on talking humanoid turtles. And its probably the latter, because it doesn’t show up until around the same time the Technodrome does.

Spidrobyte-Men: We’re taken a triolobyte, a spider, and a person and combined them via the power of the ooze and we get these things. They slide up and down on web-lines from their asses, occasionally spitting bubbles that hurt. I’m betting because of digestive acid. Then again, I can’t even understand this things physiology, and it could just as equally be a mechanical claw on a tow-line that spits painful bubbles and hang out in caves.

Pill Thug: Ok, this guy is my favorite, so I saved him for last. He’s a pill bug/rolly polly, mutated into a sort of pint-sized Megalon with a dancer’s physique, who either has a really big chin or hings his head open at the mid-section to spit pink tadpoles at our heroes. When not on the attack he rolls around in a ball. Everything about this guy is wacky and fun, and with a little more color and a splash of job-related theme, he could be a serviceable mutant foe for the Turtles in the larger franchise.

I think I hit everything, minus some of the over-world Foot Vehicles and some basic wall turrets and things, but I have may have missed a few while playing to get screencaps, what with the cursing and all. Even cheating there’s enough one-hit kills to keep things challenging.

EDIT: I missed two dudes!

The Goo Crew: This melty-looking dude who might be a foot soldier splits into tinier guys when you hit them, and those tinier guys turn into two even smaller guys when hit. I’ve decided he’s a slime creature that splits when hit, and all of his few in-game appearances are subdivisions of a larger whole. Maybe he’s a human foot soldier mutated with a slime mold.

I missed him the first time through because he’s rare and the places where you do find him he can disappear off the screen edge easily, only to be replaced by one of those shifty unemployed toads when you come back to the area.

Spiny Anthony: I know most people think he’s a porcupine, but his down-turned snoot says “echidna.” He jumps around in your personal space while occasionally shooting spikes out of his back like porcupines, hedgehogs and echidna’s all don’t. Like the other newly-minted mutants from this game, he doesn’t get clothes, so its hard to tell if he’s supposed to be a fully sapient mutanimal or just a beast, but I lean toward character whenever possible, so Spiny Anthony the Spiny Anteater is on the scene.

Spiny Anthony and Big FleaKid are already teaming up to pull some scams on the tourists

#TMNT #ninja turtles #NES #ninetendo #Teenage Mutant ninja turtles #8-bit gaming #sprites

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