Woke up 5am and I couldn't sleep again...

I guess if I want to change anything I might as well try to get used to waking up early, again.

Somehow I feel bad about my neighbor-lady... She leaves her house at 5am everyday to go to work. From what I gather she's the breadwinner in her family and the only support. I see the lights go off in her house and hear hear when she closes her door. I always try to pray for her when I hear her leaving.✨

Is some weird sense of guilt keeping me awake at this time? 🤔

#morningramble sigh still dark at 0500. Kind of wet and rainy but a nice temperature today. https://www.instagram.com/p/CFt6OtFjUh3t-M5l5LMKQwQXwnB8UnfahOBqWw0/?igshid=1wikqd5z8xioa

Kerckhoff Lake #kerckhofflake #morningrambles #autumnvibes (at Kerckhoff Lake) https://www.instagram.com/p/CHmJu03AK7WTmCjaXGOdQEt_nuSlx4CuQG7M9U0/?igshid=2xkei6ydlvax

Missing you? Hell yeah...

Darn I'm starting to miss the rp days. Maybe I should just hunt for one on here or just start writing stuff on here ....oooohh that's an idea 😈

lmao at this rate im starting to consider to make a twitter account solely for Estinaud? 😂 twitter is like a gold mining of their fanarts particularly from Japan and Korea but it's really a scattered mess. and how we cant just tag them like on tumblr reblogs, it'd be very difficult to trace back if ur account's whole content is like totally random and personal. and i basically want to have more people to be able to see and appreciate it.

but still.... idk. it's just that i dont remember ever being this "dedicated obsessed" of things before so i didnt really consider it through-and-through. im saying this as two very productive Estinaud fanartists from Korea have deleted all of their past artworks somehow and it's just... very, very shame. id blame all the mess and misunderstanding of the latest policy / concern.

another thing is i find it really a hassle is to create another account when i couldnt really tell whether it could be last long. and on twitter, i need to use another email. idk i just feel very suck in managing too many different things.

Sometimes, I gotta keep my distance from certain people so that I can love them just the same as before when they need it the most.

good morning {09.04.17} | Labor Day | up early hoping to wake to a glorious sunrise only to be met with dull flatness; a two dimensional plane. The tree sentinels look tired. Maybe it's me. Exhausted from another anxiety riddled sleep. Processing a vivid dream that took place in my childhood home on Beatrice Drive. That house has frequently been the setting in recent dreams. Views from the kitchen window, front stoop, the back porch so incredibly vivid. Last night's dream involved burning my hand on Mom's electric coffee pot, then sitting on the front steps watching the sunrise though I was facing west. That's all I remember. I did wake with some sense of peace. What would be Mom's 80th Birthday is 8 days from now. Perhaps she is close by in spirit, knowing the challenges and changes I'm undergoing. Rarely does she appear in these dreams, though her presence is felt. Last night she guided me to find safe haven outside looking for the sunrise, even when I face the opposite direction or discover a flat sky. #morningramblings #snapseededit #snapseedgram #retrolux

Walking is Easier than Running (Jan 25,17)

You’re running. Close to out of breath. Wisps of your hair flying around your head; sticking to your forehead from the sweat dripping down. “Almost there. Keep going.” You think to yourself. You trip, now your falling, no longer running. Oh look… you scrapped your knee. Tears sting your eyes from the dull, dragged out pain but you keep it at bay like a constant itch. Wiping your eyes with the sleeves of your shirt, you pull yourself back up and now you’re walking, no longer running, no longer falling. “That’s okay, it’s okay.” You think. You don’t mind walking away from your conflicts.

Things I Ramble About #6

Ok so here's the thing, I've been working with my job on disability and how I don't know if I'll have to quit or if they'll give me leave since I'm part time right. AND on top of that my boss is hiring already. The government is now shut down simply because this stupid mother fucker likes to act like a 2 year old. But you know us working class, 20 something year old, epileptic, part time employee peasants don't matter because we're not rich. Its irritating that this is nothing new.

This is a vicious cat. He bites, howls, attacks the dog, and takes no shit from no body. He is BIG, fluffy, and does what he wants. Not afraid to bite the hand that feeds him. I get little cuts and scratches daily. He is my cat. . . . Just like people, no one, and nothing is 100% evil. Creatures, and I'm talking humans too, all have a light inside. If we choose to pay attention to the darkness, then more darkness will be revealed. Evil is everywhere, and if you want; pain and suffering is all you will see. . . . Anything that is given focus and attention grows. I choose to see that light inside all beings. It gets easy quickly. Working as a waitress for 16 years teaches one about people more than any psyche degree. When a hungry monster is screaming at the hostess, red faced, fist clenched.. or when a boss is drunk and spitting insults behind the line... I see only an animal in distress. There is still good in there. There is still a beating heart that wants to be loved, and has basic needs that arnt being met. What I have learned.. and how I have worked with this cat.. is that if I can keep myself detached and steady of breath, I can hold space, at the level of the wound, and choose to only speak to the light. Choose to see a wounded animal who has been living in a life of anger and pain. Not a monster doing something to me. I choose to nurture their light. Whatever you put your attention towards grows. Sometimes even just keeping an eye on something is all that is needed to change it. . . . . So if we yes acknowledge the evil, stand with boundaries, breathe, and look at the light, the light will be all that grows. I have noticed that in this practice, angry nasty people treat me well. This cat over time, now snuggles on my lap, begs for pets, and is so quick to pur. This cat that was on the street, this cat that was in an unhealthy living situation. This cat. He has boundaries. He has attitude. But the more I see his sweetness and give space for his wounds to heal, the sweeter the cat he becomes. #morningramblings #YouSeeWhatYouAreLookingFor #boundariesAreBeautiful #meetmeatmywound #cherishthelightwithin #paincannotexistwithoutlove

Your subconscious is powerful! Much more powerful than your conscious. You are told not to take things 'seriously'... . . . . Your intuition, instinct,conscience.. They are valid parts of your make up.. Essential part of your package Stop snoozing on them Reclaim and regain your essence. . . . #morningrambling #mindstate #elevatedmindstate #thoughts #subconcious #thispostisnotforeveryone #tuesday

Is that too much to ask for? I know “I’m only 21” and “I have so much time ahead of me” and “Everybody has different timing” but damn. That’s a constant question for me. I wake up like, “Ok, how can I be great today? What do I have to do to get where I want to be?” I gotta stop stressing myself though because as they all say, “You have to just take it one day at a time.” 1 Boss move a day.. that’s a must. What’s your thoughts? #randomthoughts #dontmindme #morningramblings (at The Millionaire's Row)

They know we constantly reinvent ourselves... different style, different thoughts, different ethics, even different hair. They can't stop us but they keep trying! *Two girls suspended from school for wearing braids* Really? Newsflash! Royalty by blood! It doesn't matter what we look like! The rest is in the breeding. Who bred you? #morningramblings #reinvented #daydreamer #blackgirlmagic #royalbybirth #evenwithoutbraids #calledtobecreative

"Falling Apart and Finding Your Way Back Home". My 30th #morningramble from a couple of weeks ago. Make sure to follow me on Instagram @michaelneillcatalyst to watch the rest of my Morning Rambles! https://ift.tt/3cgjWYP Like us on FB:https://ift.tt/1kY0XzN

i love love love how girls compliment each other on the simplest things!! it's the cutest thing and it makes me so happy! like wow thank you random girl in the bathroom for complimenting my skirt!! ahh!

Under the Dome: Review Me.

!rt Space Review:! !

T!he Shadow Of The Dome Of Pleasure. Sept 4- Oct 10.!

Art Space, is a familiar location to many of us. A place to go view art. However, when I entered through it’s glass doors as did not find myself in it’s open, white area, I was taken back to my time at the Light Show and the Auckland Art Gallery. A time where I felt my body shift. My mood shift. I went from ordinary to extraordinary simply because Art Space was dark. The show of moving image works had been installation like a maze with each dead end or odd corner container a monitor or a pair of headphones. Thus, instead of feeling trapped between the walls, we were ivied i!nto new worlds, on a smaller scale, and through the means of technology.!

Works that spoke to me was a video sound piece by Jesse Darling Lil icarus, 2013 (HD 32”), a large scale cinema-like video by Ryan Tercartin(Item Falls, 2013, HD video, 25:45), and another large video with sound interaction from Akram Zaatari (The End of Time, 2013, HD video, 14:26)! 


The first work to see was by Andy Warhol. An artist I am currently looking at in terms of beauty, sexuality, identity and formal values of moving image and capturing personas. It made totally sense ego put a historical reference at the beginning, with the use of old projected film, to contextualise where the following contemporary works have risen from. Interesting, Warhol’s small projection with a mid-close up of a male’s face, seemingly in pleasure, but not really doing much, and voted in sepia, no longer has the same subliminal impact if would have had in our day. Compared to moving into the next space of Darling’s work, where the viewer is invited to put on a pair of headphones, forcing them to step closer to the screen. The breaks up the tension of the intimacy because the viewer has been given permission to see Darling this close. Darling’s homemade footage, of what correlates to a selfie, it is vulnerable. But i think under the context of the show, in such an accepting area, her work isn’t shockingly raw, but more a soft tough of exposure. The sound is of high pitched chipmunk-like conversation, or which I cannot recalled what was being s!aid, besides “get naked”. There you go.!

Another video and sound work was Zaatari’s The End of Time which contained two male characters, who mostly stood facing opposite each other, profile to us, in a tshirt and underwear. A narrative is constructed between them from the cutting between close ups of their faces, gazing up at both us and their opposing subject, and the interjection of text to give an indication of time passing - a time beyond the actual duration of the video - the video represented the larger scale of their relationship, a ‘nuanced’ version of their story. After each cut their actions would differ, from one male pushing on man down, gently, or them removing an item of clothing. An interesting point was the extra time it took for one male to remove his underwear, which created an understandable tension between the characters and the viewers of waiting. The “will he do it”. And he did. But it wasn’t shocking, to me anyway. The sound which was going in the the headphones, difficult to recall, was soundtrack over any dialogue. Footsteps, crackling, an airy tune through out. 
 The video ended with one man gifting the other all his clothing, folded in a pile in front of the other male. The text interrupted with something like “here, have all my things”. It became a full stop to the video and the full stop to many relationships out there. There is a beauty in leaving behind your things with someone that you’ll no longer be with physically, but your time with them will continue to tick. !

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The final work to view was Tercartin’s Item Falls. In summary, this video was fun to engage with. It was loaded with ridiculous things! Basically, it seemed like homemade filming, within bedroom and living areas, which recalled a backpackers, with many beds and the mess. Also, the diversity of people pulled on that idea. The rooms were full of sheets, ladders, skateboards, lamps, painted people, a horse showed up, costuming outfits, anything you can think of was there, or very well should have been. One could spend hours analysing every item of this set up, but what my friend and I decided upon was that it was all chance and to accept the fact that it doesn’t need a deeper analysis to understand and enjoy the piece. The post-production was the most impressive part of the work as it did indicate some labour over the ‘simple’ filming and a skill set. These skills would vary to the traditional narrative developing editing techniques. Unsure on how to communicate the visual effects but it could relate to as if someone had coloured in the figures with over inky felt tip pens, or stuck stickers on the screen. There were colour blotches of mystical tones (the like-on- drugs colours) paired with snippets of videos, longer shots, fast forwards, repeats. It was a mess. But a beautiful mess. !

All these works speak to odd desires we feel, but under the politics of accepting strange pleasures. It’s composed with the right balance of revealing and elements of censorship. Viewers can experience these moments of intimacy between subject, artist, themselves, without feeling too much judgement of irrational enjoyment. !


 


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