theon and robb and jon are in the stark family basement playing cod theon’s trying to get robb to smoke euron’s crazy weed strain named like kraken pussy or something but robb’s so scared. of the kraken pussy. jon needs no convincing he is actually dying on a beanbag two inches from theon who doesn’t care. robb is so paranoid that he gets up every two minutes to crack open the door and check that ned and cat are still at their boozy axethrowing date night. robb tries to smoke but they quickly discover his latent asthma and one very panicked call to sam (experienced asthmatic) later theon and jon are coaching robb through deep breathing exercises. when ned and cat come home they think there’s a teen pregnancy moment happening in their basement NO it’s just jon and theon doing birthing breath control with their honor roll teenage son huddled over a baggie of weed called kraken pussy.

so lyanna brings home from college this platinum blonde twink who got her name tattooed on his arm after the second date but they’re polite about it (not brandon!) like ned thinks maybe it’s just his older brother bias and is trying to see him from lya’s perspective “hmm this guys handsome i guess, he’s older, he’s rich, passionate. sure we’ll give it a go i mean she’s young they’ll break up soon right? right lyanna? RIGHT??” brandon’s disgusted. rhaegar actually went to an adjacent high school that always beat his school’s football team and brandon always thought his instagram poetry was ass. benjen, lyanna’s little pet dog basically, thinks rhaegar’s great and “you guys if you’re gonna date lyanna you should love her enough to get her named tattooed on you” until she brings benjen to one of rhaegar’s open mics and he has to sit there while they make out and listen to 3 songs about sex with his sister. she’s pregnant 3 weeks later btw

In modern asoiaf brienne still swears fealty to cat because she breaks her arm while she’s out dirtbiking with renly and co. and since none of them have ever broken their arm before, brienne convinces herself she’s faking it and continues biking and all of her friends are a little bit high and manage not to notice. the only reason brienne gets to the hospital at all is because loras was forced to bring margaery because mace is super overprotective and wouldn’t let her stay home alone even though she’s fifteen so she’s sitting on a lawn chair outside the bike loop wearing yellow heart shaped sunglasses and drinking lemonade while drawing a star chart for sansa, and she sees brienne ride by with a clearly broken arm and is like “dude. the fuck happened to you” and renly hears this and is like “shit your dad’s gonna kill me” so he and loras drive brienne to the emergency room but they ask if they can leave because hyle and the gang are still dirtbiking and brienne says sure she’ll be fine so she sits in the emergency room for a few hours until someone gets her and cat turns out to be her nurse and sets her bones all the while talking about her various problems because she is Stressed Out™️ (her son bought his girlfriend a promise ring, her younger son’s physical therapy isn’t going well, her daughter bit a kid yesterday) and brienne is totally unresponsive, like not even blinking, so cat assumes she can’t hear her, and when cat finally finishes, brienne, who is actually just super nervous and was trying to be polite by not interrupting, looks up at the woman who has just given her attention and mild painkillers and fixed her bones with eyes full of love and is like. Do you know that I would die for you and cat, unsure of what to say, is like 👍.

on the way back from the emergency room renly and loras manage to crash renly’s 2023 Subaru forester into a tree for unrelated reasons and this is somehow blamed on brienne.

DAEMON TARGARYEN.

Mini-Series.

You‘re The Only Thing That I Pray For -> completed

“You’re King Viserys oldest daughter, but it was Queen Alicent that has taken you under her wing, strengthening your very being with her own faith. All your prayers resolve around one thing, though a betrothal has already been made. But what if you want the opposite of your pious nature? You’ve been so faithful to the Seven, so it is only right they finally offer you something in return.“

One-Shots.

A Fine Line (between Love and Hate)

""I would rather feed my sons to the Dragons, than have them carry shields and cups for your drunken, usurper cunt of a King." Your husband’s words still lingered in the back of your head and drove you mad with fury."

Comfort

"You understand the Rogue Prince like no other, and so it’s your task to put his mind at ease again when he stumbles into the brothel."

Of Dragons and Wolves (x Cregan)

“You and your husband came to Dragonstone on behalf of your cousin Jacaerys, needing your help in the upcoming war of succession. However, you seem to be in need of something entirely different.”

Guileless

“The streets of Flea Bottom most definitely were not the place a noblewoman like you should seek out at night, but tonight marked one of the last nights you got to enjoy your freedom for you were to wed in four days.”

Don't Threaten Me with a Good Time and Detached from the Bothers of Life

"It’s clear as day that he’s merely using you as a means to an end, to satisfy the desperate need of having something he alone could control. Even after his older brother has conceded the executive chair to him, Viserys still gets involved to the point his younger brother truly doubts his leadership qualities. And if this is one way for him to cope with it, you certainly won’t complain."

Suspicious Silence

"Daemon was working from home today to take care of your daughter while you were out for brunch with Floris, his nephew’s wife that’s also winding down the halfway mark of pregnancy just like you. And although it’s around your toddler’s daytime nap time, it’s too quiet when you open the front door to your penthouse. Suspiciously quiet."

A Dragon to Share

"For a fortnight, you’ve been spending your nights with Aemond and Aegon. But what happens, if there’s yet another uncalled visitor joining you? Improper revelations lead to the fulfilling of a long-buried desire of yours."

Encouragement

“It's 105 AC. Your brother, King Viserys, wants to throw a feast in honor to announce his wife's pregnancy. You want to attend—if it weren't for the rising doubts about your changing body. But it's good your husband knows a way to ease your worries.“

Stress Relief

“Your hands lie folded in your lap, thumbs brushing over each other in a way to keep yourself calm. You have been married to Daemon for two summers, but know his silence never means anything good. It is threatening, and more often than not getting you into trouble, because he always has something to say.“

Heavy Is the Head That Wears the Crown

Drabbles. 

No. 1 | No. 2

MASTERLIST NAVIGATION.

Jon refuses to download TikTok but has an insta account where he posts reels of himself playing the guitar he has approximately 15 followers that are just Robb, Sansa, Arya, Sam and Satin, like two girls from his high school psychosexually obsessed with him, bots and Daenerys (this is the only way they keep in touch)

This is modern Jon au coded idk 🫤

Modern Braime AU!

Aerion “Brightflame” Targaryen – modern aesthetic.

westerosi homeowner’s association meetings except they turn into physical altercations between taena, catelyn, lysa, and barbrey dustin every time while alerie hyperventilates in a corner and alannys films. olenna tyrell can’t get her phone to work so she just watches, reclining in her armchair and feeding herself cheese and grapes and memorizes as much as she can because this type of catastrophe report is margaery’s favorite bedtime story. and cersei is cheering her girlfriend taena on from the sidelines because she really doesn’t wanna ruin her manicure and then catelyn hits taena with a truly magnificent right hook and cersei calls the cops. brienne has fled the meeting ten minutes in and is now on the run from the homeowners association in her shitty ford fiesta that reeks of jaime’s awful dark temptation deodorant and once again questioning every single decision that has led up to this point in her life.

seasons don’t fear the reaper || Aemond Targaryen x Helaena Targaryen || a HOTD fic

Read here on ao3.

Pairing: Aemond Targaryen x Helaena Targaryen 

Tags: Everyone is Dead, Grim Reapers, The Seven Hells, Modern Westeros, Modern AU, Cosmic Sex, Implied/Referenced Suicide Description: Who is this irresistible creature who has an insatiable love for the dead?

All Helaena wanted was a cigarette to blow off some steam. Instead, she is dead in the street, apparently.

Fuck Lannisport.  big thank you to @spooky-risley​ for beta!  Please reblog if you like this to spread it around!

Sandor in suit which makes him look, adorable.

some asoiaf characters would thrive if displaced into another environment. for example dany should be in a 2010’s horsegirl movie, sansa should be in a glee-esque teen love quadrangle where she’s at least three separate gay guy’s beards, and rickon should have access to mountain dew and cheetos and one of those ipads with the rubber handled cases and disgusting screen protectors. i do think however that if you took like. theon. out of asoiaf he’d fit right into the modern world but his ass would not be doing well. i know five theons and they’re all the most insufferable men to ever walk this earth. he has six separate instagram accounts for all facets of his personality and his tweets from 2012 where he calls greenlanders physiologically inferior to #ironbornmight get drudged up and he becomes unemployable. asha won’t let him bunk with her because qarl is convinced that he’ll steal their silverware and pawn it (he will.) this being said like he should have been born in this time he just wasn’t. like he was created to get roofied in shitty clubs and have complexes about wearing eyeliner as a guy and get called slurs by his dad for wearing crop tops unfortunately he was written into a storyline about being subject to five saw traps at once and also being nineteen and gay in george rr martins’ magnum opus fantasy series a song of ice and fire.

jon pierced his own ears in the backseat of val’s car with a sewing needle they found in her console. no ice cube bc he wanted to impress her but she called him a pussy when he flinched. they got infected so he had to take them out then when he brought it up to her a couple months later she didn’t know what he was talking about

gonna go ahead and say modern au bran and Arya run a YouTube channel where they do parkour and either they have to do tricks separately and have the other film or they bribe one of their siblings to do it. Last time they did this successfully Arya agreed to bathe ghost for the next two years so jon would film her doing flips off the dining room table and not tell cat about it

I firmly believe modern Dany would have an extensive unicorn phase as a tween

New AU

My newest Fanfic is called Dysfunctional Familial Ties.

It's a modern AU that mainly follows Jon and his messy familial relationships. two chapters are out so far but I'm currently writing the third one.