au in which robert, the starks and the lannisters play monopoly instead of going hunting and pushing each other‘s kids from towers.

tyrion implements a tax system to make things more interesting and fights cersei over the cat for a solid ten minutes.

around thirty minutes into the game, catelyn realizes that she has free will and stops paying taxes.

arya and sansa haggle over new york avenue, which ends up being bought by theon. this causes the two to completely cast aside their differences, ally and subsequently start doing everything in their power to make theon‘s life hell.

theon himself is quite severely stoned the entire time throughout.

ned enters horrendous debt pretty much immediately and, after two hours of being financially sucked dry by both cersei and his tax evader of a wife, decides to just place his figurine in jail and never leave.

jon, playing the dog, controls the railroads and makes jaime, playing the ship, go completely broke within minutes. being beaten by a bastard and officially the first to lose the game makes jaime so mad he spends the rest of the evening perched on the family‘s ancestral armchair eating flaming hot cheetos and stifling sobs.

cersei is holding onto her last two dollars and her one house in atlantic avenue like a maniac and evades taxes like it‘s an olympic sport. she claims ownership of kentucky avenue on the grounds that red is her house‘s color at least twice. after three hours, she‘s consumed enough vintage red to kill a large mammal and keeps quoting the art of war. fascinatingly enough, she never goes completely broke.

robert, just as broke and drunk as his wife but not nearly as ferocious, proposes marriage for tax advantages to bran, who is in possession of the boardwalk and lets him dangle on his proposition for two rounds before accepting and feeling like a benevolent god.

sansa sees this and immediately proposes to arya, who accepts, only for them to be sued by their mother for public indecency („you‘re siblings, jesus christ!“). arya argues that this is just a game and that one could argue that robert‘s and bran‘s marital alliance is just as if not even more inappropriate, considering that bran is seven and robert thirtyseven. sansa countersues her mother for tax evasion, who promises she‘ll drop her lawsuit if her daughters let her keep hoarding perverse amounts of wealth. „love wins!“ arya says, which causes jaime, still perched on the armchair but now eating old nan‘s home made whiskey truffles, to hysterically sob. cersei stares him down.

robb, in a rare moment of almost prophetic foresight, excuses himself one hour in and goes on a very, VERY long walk with grey wind.

tyrion, whose tax system has spectacularly backfired in his face, proposes marriage to catelyn, jon and cersei in rapid succession, who all turn him down. „i wish i was the monster you think i am. i wish i had enough poison for the whole pack of you. i would gladly give my life to watch you all swallow it.“ he screams before he leaves the table.

at that, joffrey, who has refused to participate and instead sits on the couch playing doom on his nintendo ds, starts hysterically laughing. tyrion turns on his heel and awards his nephew with the bitchslap of the century. this causes cersei to completely abandon the game and chase after him with a broom. catelyn makes sure that everyone is distracted by the lannister antics and then reaches across the table and bags cersei‘s money and properties.

with a heavy heart, myrcella trades arya and sansa one of her limited edition bayala schleich unicorns for park place.

at this point, the game is between the tycoons that are catelyn and jon, the bran-robert alliance, the arya-sansa-alliance, and ned, who is still in jail and watching ice hockey on his phone under the table. that is when catelyn hears rickon gagging and discovers that he, in the absence of tyrion, the self declared bank manager, has managed to eat all bank notes from the box.

rickon gets his stomach pumped, cersei and tyrion have both been arrested, theon is still stoned, arya, sansa and myrcella have wandered off to go play schleich horses, and jon remains at the table, alone, content, and quietly considering himself the winner.

I know I post intermittently abt the basketball AU of ASOIAF that lives in my head rent free but anyways the women’s college basketball season in the US just ended and I really do have some thoughts:

Sansa Stark 6’3” and kind of stacked she SHOULD be a post player but has never once driven to the basket in her LIFE. Somehow manages to make up for this in sheer volume of 3 pointers. Keeps getting compared to her mom who was the most terrifying power forward you ever saw in the Riverlands 20-something years ago despite the fact that there is almost nothing in common with their game styles.

Arya Stark, guard, has a really sweet mid-range game that everyone always forgets about but she’s got like 18 points in 28 min, makes about 5 steals a game. Unfortunately, gets in foul trouble. Keeps getting compared to Jon which drives her nuts.

Robb, went to the Westerosi National Basketball League at like 18, but before the championship game, the coach of an opposing team got a second coach to get players to deliberately injure him during a game. Somehow he got called for a technical foul on this. Ended his career in professional sports.

Dany, 5’6”, floor general and sharpshooter. Regularly beats defenders with more than half a foot on her to rebounds. Plays internationally full-time but her highlight reels still end up on Westerosi ESPN bc her family was at one point a dynasty in the basketball world. 90% of her instagram page is her with her three lizards.

Brienne is the Post Player’s Post Player— always boxes out, gets the rebound, blocks shots, drives etc, impeccable footwork. And then she also hits from distance and can guard. Cersei, the aging vet on the Lannisport Lions, wants her dead for once committing SEVEN blocks on her in a game when she was a rookie. Currently coached by Cat for the Riverlands Fighting Trout. There is a not insignificant fanbase of lesbians who want her to crush their heads with her thighs online but she is tragically into disgraced ex-Lions player Jaime Lannister who keeps bumming around the Riverlands for unclear reasons.

<insert that one post about Aeron Greyjoy as a basketball player here>

Jon Snow has been fouled out of games with technicals. He has never made a basket apart from a fast break layup or a free throw— except for like, two separate years??? where he got his team to the semifinals through a buzzer beater logo 3????? Somehow the undisputed defensive player of the year, the most universally loathed player in his conference, beloved by his own team, and a guy who once went viral for a video of him crying on his girlfriend after HER team lost while she just sort of patted his head.

the stark kids and public buses

(disclaimer: this is based on my extensive personal experience with scottish public buses)

robb (+ theon) - never alone on the bus, will sit wherever the other person wants. this normally ends up being the top back with theon. thinks the bus is the prime time for conversation and can't comprehend why anyone (jon) would want to just stare out the window and think. has never had a bad experience with a bus driver, unlike theon who has had exclusively bad experiences with bus drivers.

jon - sits downstairs as far away from strangers as possible. if he's alone, noise cancelling headphones are on. if he's with friends he'll keep them off but has them ready for a lull in the convo. if theon's anywhere on the same bus, noise cancelling headphones are on. always puts his bag on the seat next to him to discourage strangers from sitting there but ends up reluctantly freeing the seat because he feels bad for the people standing.

sansa - sits downstairs cause it's convenient but normally avoids the bus altogether because she always ends up sat next to weirdos that won't shut up about their problems and she's just stuck smiling and nodding. once was two hours late home because this blond woman wouldn't let her off until she understood "the game of thrones".

arya - takes up the entries top front row with her friends every time without fail. will throw people out of "their seats". continues to successfully get child tickets because she's short and abuses it regularly but is now working on trying to get on the bus without paying at all by sneaking on.

bran - used to sit upstairs but would never sit in one seat and would constantly be kneeling and standing on the chairs. now mostly avoids buses because of the limited space for wheelchair users, but when he does get the bus he also seems to always get stuck talking to weird strangers, although he's a lot less polite about it than sansa.

rickon - downstairs back. will bark at people in "his seat". no. 1 disrupter of jon's downstairs peace but a good encouragement for other people to sit upstairs. the winterfell bus company has tried banning him multiple times for "harassing other passengers" and "being a terror" but it never seems to stick.

Yet another modern AU thramsay comic teehee :)

This takes place a year or two AFTER this

Sansa Stark (modern au)

modern high school au throbb where robb is a golden boy, a’s and b’s student, captain of the football team and theon is his problematic stoner loser boyfriend or at least that’s whatever perceives them as but in reality theon is a highly driven and ambitious person who is driven crazy by the fact that everyone perceives him as lazy and he has a constant need for validation that leads to him making dumb decisions in order to get it from people and also robb is cracking under the weight of the expectation he has put himself under as the eldest son of a rich and influential family and it’s made even worse by the fact that he is afraid to tell people that he is struggling because he doesn’t want them to think less of him but neither of them have healthy coping mechanisms so instead they smoke weed together under the bleachers and also make out.

make no mistake, modern catelyn stark is a dog person. ned showed up one day and dropped six wolf hound puppies on the floor and though exasperated at first, catelyn now likes those dogs better than her actual kids because grey wind doesn’t have a new girlfriend every week and ghost isn’t addicted to bloodborne or picks fights with people on r/eldenring and lady doesn’t constantly talk about the cultural importance of but i’m a cheerleader and nymeria doesn’t want to be driven across the country to fencing competitions every weekend and summer’s not a hoarder who illegally downloads horror films on the family laptop and shaggy dog is actually just as weird as rickon but significantly less aversive to being softly petted on the head so catelyn’s gonna let it slide. and all she ever wears are the dog mom cargo pants™️ with twenty seven thousand pockets and even more carabiners and she always has at least three dog leashes on her person which she has used on all five of her kids as well as jon, theon, eddard, edmure and lysa at least once (she throws them like lassos and her aim is impeccable) and she always has dog treats and sometimes she eats them when she gets particularly frustrated (the corn rings taste good and the woman has a grand total of ten people emotionally depending on her, let her live!). and she goes on top dog westeros (ninja warrior for dogs, for those not enlightened) with shaggy and wins and shoves the trophy front and center on the family mantel, right with sansa’s cheer and debate trophies and arya’s fencing and showjumping ones and accidentally breaks jon’s most treasured funko pop in the process and has to go scouring ebay to buy him a replacement before he notices.

Modern au! job for Cersei:

She's a former miss Westeros and currently is very famous as a fox news anchor. She's insecure about the tv channel hiring any younger woman so she sabotages Sansa Stark's attempt to be hired (she also spreads vile rumors about Sansa in her anonymous twitter, is behind the #cancellingSansa hashtag and basically makes the poor girl's life a hell for a long period of time). So imagine Csrsei's surprised Pikachu face when the younger and pretty Margaery is not only hired by the tv channel but also replacing her as the tv channel's main star.

ASOIAF modern AU notes 💕

Summerhall was an old age home that Egg had been sent to by his kids Jaehaerys and Shaera, Egg accidentally burnt it down and died alongside fellow senior Dunk, and Egg’s other son, Duncan. Rhaegar was born on the front lawn of the old age home beside a fire truck 💕

Rhaegar does ukulele and acapella covers on the early days of the internet, and he’s only famous bc he’s the presidents son. His posts got rlly fucking weird in his final days before he mysteriously died while visiting his cousin Robert. Probably on those reddit icebergs under “darkest videos ever uploaded”.

Every one just accepted the fact that Rhaegar and Jon were dating even though they straight up weren’t, magazines were reporting on it with photos of the two together and captions like “Elia writing divorce papers??? See more on page 69!” (they definitely slept with each other AT LEAST once though, confirmed by a high end reporter’s audio recording, possibly Varys, who Jon trauma dumped to while super high)

Golden Company is a biker gang someone put that in my tags once and it stuck. Jon went from appearing in the kind of stuff the heir to a company and friend to the presidents son would appear in (rlly corporate looking images and interviews plus a few photos of him playing golf or something) to the wildest vids and photos of golden company biker gang parties imaginable. He was a fugitive but Aerys and Robert and Cersei all didn’t consider him high priority so he’s just been let wild.

Young Griff dresses like a sports brand ambassador and is actually probably a sports brand ambassador thanks to his double nepotism (father was rhaegar and other father was Jon). Young Griff accidentally caught Jon in one of his instagram lives and the internet went wild over the sight of Jon actually doing something normal for once. Young Griff is Aegon’s stage name, taken from Jon’s biker gang era nickname Griff.

There’s CCTV footage of Jaime killing Aerys but Tywin payed off the cops so it’s okay. Conspiracy videos on YouTube about it get copyright flagged when they show the footage.

Loras and Renly are some of the most controversial men on the web bc on one hand they are gay but on the other they are gym bros and Loras had a misogynist era when a video of him calling Brienne a wench at one of Renly’s parties surfaced. Mace had to do damage control. Loras also probably made a post like “hate when other gays flaunt their gayness” when he was 14 and everyone always brings it up (he still stands by it). Mace again has to do damage control.

Renly later died at one of his party’s due to what was attributed to ‘accidental causes’, but many, including Loras, believe that there is something deeper to it. Brienne was arrested for suspicion of committing the murder but was let go after like a day. Jaime payed off most of the ppl who accused her, but Loras is vocal about hating Jaime and he regularly insults him under his posts.

Robb was a presidential candidate who got murdered at his uncles wedding and it was a big deal and the true crime community was all over it the moment the news dropped. Jaime is under investigation… again. Videos are still getting copyrighted.

Bolton house got raided by some government agents and they found Theon and a bunch of human skins in the basement. The media had a field day with that one. Asha attacked the press when they tried to get photos.

Robert still got mauled by a boar it just got caught on camera this time. It’s like the JFK assassination tape in that it’s super accessible and on YouTube under age restriction bc it’s “educational”.

Welcome to the Jungle (Westeros with a The Gentlemen twist)

Captain Jaime Lannister returns to Casterly Rock to bury his father. Instead, he ends up tangled in the Westerosi underworld when he (instead of his twin sister and her oaf husband) inherits the family estate—and the marijuana farm underneath, operated by the cool and cunning Arianne Martell.

(A non-Scandal Westeros idea that has been stalking me since I watched The Gentlemen on Netflix.)

Sandor in suit which makes him look, adorable.

brienne of tarth, financing her art school with basketball coaching, in the principal’s office of some random middle school because podrick’s ulna is sticking out of his arm, completely dumbfounded and very terrified because this eleven year old whose basketball team she coaches once a week put her down as his emergency contact and now she has to deal with his open fracture and his complete nonchalance in regards to it because, hey, the completely horrified school nurse gave him candy.

so she rides the ambulance with him and while the doctors try to somehow save this kid from lifelong nerve damage and the impending sepsis, she sits in the waiting room between the papers of the thirteen nature valley bars she’s eaten (they are all she eats. her fridge isn’t even hooked up to electricity because you don’t need a fridge to store nature valley bars.) and questions her life decisions.

Ah yes, Theon, the king of priorities.

(Little prequel to this modern AU thramsay comic)

Modern AU -> Sansa doing a PowerPoint to explain to Ned why they must stop the old singer from leaving Winterfell

for the best viewing experience, play “jenny” by the studio killers xoxo

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lil modern margaery x sansa, this was mostly an excuse to draw cute outfits for the girls. im really proud of my sansa design, i think she came out super cute 

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anyways if any of u wanna put in a request for asoiaf couple pls do wink wink nudge nudge