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dylan-ohbrien · 7 years

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A Place to Call Home pt 8

Pairing: Dylan O'Brien x Reader

Wordcount: 5,007

Warnings: language

A/N: The part you’ve all been waiting for is here!! I have to apologize though, it’s not edited because I just finished it and wanted to get it up for you guys tonight. I have to thank @writing-obrien for helping me brainstorm and @thelittlestkitsune for reassuring me that it wasn't crap. I will get it edited and update it once I do, but for now, here is part 8 of APTCH, I hope you like it!

UPDATE: This has now been edited thanks to the wonderful Lau ( @thelittlestkitsune) and I decided to change the gif to one more fitting even though it may kinda be a spoiler lol.

Finding a way to occupy my time while Dylan was working was turning out to be a lot harder than I had expect it to be. It wasn’t as simple as calling a place and being like “hey, can I come help out or teach some classes or something?” No. It was a lot more in depth, and maybe it was naive of me to think it would have been simple but I wasn’t expecting it to take so long to find a simple volunteer job. Each day I would go with Dylan to set and sit in his trailer researching and sending in inquiries about volunteer opportunities to different places. I sent in applications to places like Save The Children and UNICEF but hadn’t heard anything back from them even a week later.

I decided that maybe getting a little fresh air would help me get some more ideas of places to look for jobs and luckily they were filming scenes outside so I could also watch Dylan work. I walked down to set and found Dylan’s chair, sitting down and getting comfortable before opening my computer back up. I looked out and saw Dylan in the middle of filming a serious scene with Will and Kaya so I hoped I didn’t distract him by showing up in the middle of it. I watched him for a few minutes before I turned my attention back to my search, looking through link after link to try and find something that may peak my interest. Finally, I decided to try something different and look at volunteer positions at some of the orphanages in the area, surely they would have something, even if it was just reading to the kids for an hour or two a day.

“How’s the search going?” I jumped when I heard his voice come up behind me, his arm wrapping around my chest from behind as his chin rested on my shoulder. I laughed after realizing it was just Dylan and turned to look at him.

“About the same,” I shrugged and looked back at the screen.

“Orphanages?” He asked curiously, as if he was worried I was looking into adopting a child.

“Yeah, I thought maybe some of them could use some help around reading to kids and stuff.” I didn’t know if it was a good idea or even possible but it was the only thing I could think of, I was running out of ideas.

“That sounds awesome, baby. Those kids would love you and I’m sure they could always use help around those places.” He said before kissing my cheek and standing back up.

“Thank, Dyl. I hope this one works out.” I finished what I was doing and sent in the application to them then shut my computer just as Dylan walked around to face me.

Dylan took my computer from my lap and set it down on the ground under the chair then came back up to meet me, standing me up and sliding his arms around my waist. He leaned down and kissed me gently then turned us so that he could sit down in his chair and pulled me down onto his lap, my arm immediately draping around his neck to help hold me in place.

“I’m really proud of you, you know that?” Dylan said, his fingers rubbing my side gently. “You’ve just been through a lot lately but you keep coming out of it stronger and you don’t let anything keep you from going for what you want. I think that’s really admirable and I’m proud of you for that.” I felt my cheeks warm as I listened to him speak, I was sure a red tint had joined the warmth as a blush came over me. I leaned down and rested my forehead against his, my hand coming up to rest on his cheek.

“Thank you,” I said softly, kissing him gently. “You have no idea how much that means to me.” Dylan smiled up at me, this time he was the one leaning in for a kiss.

I was never the biggest fan of PDA, sure I was okay with hand holding and sharing the occasional kiss but public make out sessions, sitting on each other, things like that had always been out of my comfort zone. However, when I was with Dylan, it was like we were the only ones in the room, as if the world around us had stopped, it never felt like PDA with Dylan. Because we always felt as if we were alone it had a way of getting us into a small bit of trouble. Our kiss became more heated as Dylan tightened his grip around my waist, his tongue slipping between my lips to mingle with mine.

“Hey, love birds, I’m sitting right here you know.” A voice said as they gently kicked Dylan’s chair. We both pulled away from our own little world and looked over to see Dexter trying to look over his lines.

“We’re ready to start this scene, Dylan.” Wes called out glancing back at us. “And I better not see any hickeys on that neck!” He added and I filled with embarrassment, burying my face in Dylan’s neck, he just chuckled and kissed the top of my head.

“I think this is my last scene for the day so we can head out after this.” He said, both of us standing up so he could get to work.

“Sounds good, I’m just going to head back to your trailer and see if I can find out about any more places to apply.” I laughed softly and pick up my computer. When I stood back up my cheek was greeted with Dylan’s lips.

“I’ll see you in a bit.” Dylan smiled, then jogged off to the scene set up and I made my way back to his trailer.

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The next day I finally heard back from one of the orphanages I had sent in an application to and the day after that I started volunteering. I did everything from reading to the kids, helping them with school work, and putting them to bed in the evenings. It was one of the most rewarding experiences but also one of the most heartbreaking. Every once and a while a child would get to go home to a loving family but for the most part, the kids who were there when I started were also there when I left. I swore to myself that when I was ready for a child I would come back and adopt and every night I would hope and pray for all of them to find a loving home.

After spending a month and a half working there, it was hard to say goodbye but I was also ready to go home. Now, Dylan and I were on our final flight back home with only a short time left before we landed. I sat there, leaned into Dylan, my head resting on his shoulder, his head laying gently on top of mine while his hand rested on my knee, rubbing light circles on it.

“So, I was thinking,” he started to speak but neither of us moved, “once we get all settled back in and recover from whatever jetlag we have maybe we could go house hunting?” He suggested and this time I looked up at him.

“But you have a house?” I asked confused and Dylan turned to face me.

“No, I know but I was thinking maybe we could find a place that’s ours, you know?” He shrugged. “One that isn’t just mine but yours too so you can have a say in it.” He took my hand in his, looking down as he intertwined our fingers. “And if we ever want to start a family it might be nice to have a few more bedrooms than we have now.” I couldn’t stop the smile that spread across my face. The thought of him thinking about us starting a family together caused butterflies to swarm in my stomach.

“That sounds like the most wonderful idea.” I told him softly, “it’s actually interesting that you bring up needing more space if we want to start a family because…” I paused silently hoping he would be okay with the idea. “I was thinking that when we’re ready…even if it turns out I can still get pregnant, I want to adopt, but I want to adopt from Africa.” I told him, trying to fight back the tears as I thought about the kids I’d left behind who had no one. “Those kids at the orphanage, they have nothing and no one but they’re still some of the happiest, sweetest kids I’ve ever met and they deserve more than that, they deserve to find a home with people who are going to love them and take care of them, I want to give them that.” My voice cracked as a few tears trickled down my cheek but Dylan was quick to wipe them away.

“You’re the most amazing woman,” He cupped my face in his hand, a smile on his lips, “adopting is perfect. I don’t care how we start a family as long as the family I’m starting is with you.” He placed gentle kisses against my cheeks where my tears had fallen, I leaned into him, my eyes closed as a smile appeared on my lip.

“I love you,” I whispered and leaned into to him, hugging him closely, his arms wrapping around me tightly.

“I love you too.” He mumbled against my hair.

The next thing I knew the plane was in its decent, we were finally home and I was thrilled about it. Dylan was going to have some time off before he had to start any promo so I could selfishly keep him to myself for a while.

Once we got back to the house we tossed our bags in the closet and decided to order a pizza, staying in for the night to relax and decompress after spending so much time on a plane. It was nice to not have to worry about Dylan being called to set to re-shoot something or having the cast try to drag us out to a bar when really all we wanted to do was binge watch shows on Netflix.

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Over the next few days we did just that, stayed to ourselves and watched Netflix. When we finally felt as though we’d kicked jetlag’s ass we started our house hunt, looking in different places around the Los Angeles area, making sure to look into things like schools and the safety of the area. We looked a few, that were nice, I was starting to think all of the houses in LA were the same. Until we finally found one that seemed to be perfect. It was a bit far back from the road, trees surrounding it so it seemed as if it was the only house for miles. Five bedrooms, enough to start a family and still have space for guests, a pool, a huge back yard, and the most perfect kitchen and master bath I had ever seen. Dylan and I immediately agreed that it was the one and put in an offer right away. It didn’t take long before the sellers accepted the offer and we finally owned a home together.

We moved into the house a week later, getting Liz, Tyler, Cody, and Dylan to help us move everything in. It took a couple days before it finally started to feel like home but once it did it was perfect. After everything that had happened I never would have thought I would be happy and content with life again but here I was, curled up with the love of my life, on the balcony of the house we had just bought together, it felt like one of those cheesy romance movies.

“Oh, I forgot to tell you, I made us reservations for dinner tonight, I hope that’s okay.” Dylan said, breaking the silence around us.

“You made us a reservation?” I asked a small laugh falling from my lips. “I mean it’s fine, yeah, but why?” I wondered. Usually when we would go out it would be a spur of the moment thing, reservations were never something we did.

“I don’t know,” he shrugged, “I just thought it would be nice to go out somewhere nice and celebrate.” He said sheepishly and I laughed noting that he was slightly embarrassed.

“That sounds great, babe. Where are we going?” I asked curiously.

“It’s a surprise, but you’ll want to dress up.” He grinned which only made me laugh again. “Reservation is at seven so I figured we’d leave here at six thirty. I looked over at my phone to check the time, it was already four.

“Crap. I should go get ready then!” I told him, jumping up to go shower. I could hear Dylan laugh as I frantically ran into the bedroom.

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Dylan’s P.O.V

I craned my neck and watched [Y/N] run into the bedroom and straight into the bathroom, chuckling softly to myself. I got up and walked into the bedroom myself, going over to the dresser and digging out the pair of socks I needed. Once I heard the water of the shower I knew it was safe, I unrolled them and pulled the box from the fabric opening it up. I ran my fingers over the diamonds and my stomach started to do flips. As I looked over the piece of jewelry I began to go over what I was going to say when I gave it to her in my head, wanting to make sure it was perfect. I smiled to myself, imagining how it would go before I heard the shower shut off and quickly rolled it back up in the sock until I was ready.

Walking into the closet I picked out the suit I wanted to wear, a simple black one with a white dress shirt and skinny black tie. I laid them out on the bed just as [Y/N] walked out of the shower, water dripping from her hair down her shoulders, a towel wrapped lightly around her body.

“Maybe you should just wear that to dinner,” I joked as I walked over to her to kiss her gently. “You look stunning.” She rolled her eyes and slapped my chest playfully causing me to chuckle.

“You’re full of it, but thank you.” She smiled, standing on her tiptoes to kiss my cheek before walking past me and into the closet.

I walked over to the side table and grabbed my phone to text Tyler, he was helping me make sure everything was ready for tonight so I was making sure he was actually on top of things. After I sent the text I hopped into the shower myself, hoping it would calm some of the nerves I was feeling, continuously rehearsing the evening in my head, praying nothing messed it up.

When I finished my shower, I stepped out and saw [Y/N] standing at the vanity blow drying her hair. She had changed into a soft pink dress that hit just above her knees. I smiled at her in the mirror as I ran a towel through my hair then wrapped it around my waist, kissing her cheek before walking out of the bathroom to get dressed. I pulled on the clothes the I had laid out, tucking my shirt into my pants once it was buttoned. Finally I grabbed my socks, carefully unrolling them to make sure [Y/N] didn’t see anything, and slipped the small box into my pocket. I sat back down on the bed and pulled the socks on then draped the tie around my neck, walking over to the mirror to tie it.

“Let me help,” I turned when I heard her voice smiling down at her. She reached up and looped the tie around, into the perfect knot. She straightened it out then ran her hands down my chest, smoothing out my shirt. “Perfect.” She smiled.

“You must be looking in a mirror then, because you look perfect.” A hint of red started to form on her cheeks, only making her look more beautiful.

“You are just on a roll with the compliments tonight, aren’t you?” She laughed and I shrugged.

“I guess, but I’m just calling it like I see it.” I winked then heard my phone ding on the other side of the room. “Are you about ready?” I asked her, walking over to check it only to see it was a text from Tyler.

“Yeah, I just need to do my makeup and I should be set.” I heard her say. I smiled and gave her a nod, replying quickly to Tyler to let him know that things on my end were right on time.

About fifteen minutes later we were ready to go. I suck my hand in my pocket to make sure the box was still there, leading [Y/N] out the door with my other. There was a car waiting for us out front which I led her to after locking the door behind us.

“You got us a car too?” She asked, her eyebrows raised curiously.

“I just thought it would be a nice change.” I wiggled my eyebrows at her and opened the door for her, letting her slid in before me. I climbed into the car after her and the driver headed off to the restaurant where we would start our evening.

It took us about thirty minutes to get there, making me glad we left when we did. Once we arrived I got out first and walked around to the other side of the car to help [Y/N] out of the car. Taking her hand in mine, I led her up the steps and inside where we were greeted by the hostess.

“Ah, Mr. O’Brien, right on time. Your table is ready.” The woman smiled and led us to the table I had requested, off to the side, right by a window that looked out on the beach, giving us the perfect view of the sunset. I pulled [Y/N]’s chair out for her to sit down before sitting down across from her, the hostess handing us our menus. “Your waiter will be with you shortly. Let me know if there’s anything you need.” I nodded and she went on her way.

“Dyl,” [Y/N] spoke softly and I looked over at her, a smile plastered on my face, “this is incredible, this is like a ten star restaurant. I know that’s not a thing but…wow.” She looked around at everything and I couldn’t help but laugh softly.

“Only the best for you.” I told her.

We both looked over our menus even though I was sure I was too nervous to even eat, I knew I had to at least eat something or she would know something was up. The waiter came and brought us a bottle of champagne, pouring us each a glass then took our orders.

“Champagne, huh? Is this some special occasion I don’t know about?” She laughed, I bit my lip nervously and shook my head.

“No, like I said, I just thought we should celebrate, we’re home owners together now.” I smiled.

“Wow, if this is to celebrate buying a house, I don’t know if I’m ready to see how you celebrate an anniversary.” She laughed, little did she know what she was in for.

“To us,” I said holding my champagne glass up for a toast.

“To us.” She chimed in and our glasses clinked together, both of us taking a sip.

I could feel the box burning a hole in my pocket throughout our whole dinner, we talked about different ways to decorate the house, where we would go on our dream vacations, where we wanted to go with our careers, as well as silly things, I brought up anything I could to take my mind of the box. The waiter came back and we ordered dessert to share, both of us too full from dinner to eat anything by ourselves.

“What do you think about having everyone over tomorrow for a house warming party? I was thinking our parents, I know mine are dying to meet you anyways and all of our friends?” I asked taking the last sip of my champagne.

“That would be fun, but don’t you think it’s kind of sh-“ She stopped when she was cut off by a man talking over her as he sat down at our table.

“I didn’t believe it when I saw it online, I had to come see it for myself. Little [Y/N] thinks she can move on from me?” He snarled, I felt my blood begin to boil with both confusion and anger. Who the hell did he think he was.

“Jason, what the hell? How? What are you doing here?” She asked.

“[Y/N], you know this guy?” I asked looking over at her even more confused than before.

“He…He’s my ex.” She said, her voice filling with sadness as she spoke. “We broke up two years ago.”

“Your ex?” He said loudly, “I don’t remember us breaking up. I don’t think you walking out on me counts. You think you can find some else who will put up with all your shit? Who will eat your terrible cooking? Someone who stick around when you go through one of your mental break downs?” He laughed before continuing. “No one else is going to love you looking like that. You must have gained at least 50 pounds. No one else is going to put up with your snoring, that fucking laugh of yours.”

“Who the fuck do you think you are coming here, on the night I’m going to propose to my girlfriend, yelling at her like that. She left your ass and I can see why! You’re nothing but a pompous prick.” I told him through gritted teeth. “You say no one else is going to love her? Clearly you never did if you hated all those things about her but you know what?” I asked. “I love all of those things about her and I think she looks gorgeous. Comment on her looks or anything about her again and your ass will be going through that window.” I was standing now, face to face with this man that had been a part of [Y/N]’s life, this man who clearly was abusive towards her and I wasn’t going to take another second of it. “Get out before I call the cops.” I said, this time my voice lowered, but I was right in his face, I could feel his breath on my face. He looked away from me and down at [Y/N] then back at me.

“You’re going to regret this. Both of you.” He growled then stormed out of the restaurant.

“Mr. O’Brien,” the hostess said softly, “is everything okay?” She asked, even though everything clearly wasn’t okay.

“Fine,” I replied moving to sit back down but I noticed [Y/N] with her head down, soft whimpers coming from her. “We’ll just take the check.” I told her, then pulled my chair over next to [Y/N]. The hostess nodded and left us alone.

“Baby, I’m sorry.” I told her, my arms wrapping around her.

“You were going to propose?” Her voice was soft as she looked up at me and my heart stopped. I hadn’t even realized that I’d let it slip in the midst of me yelling.

“I…” I paused trying to think of what to say. Instead of saying anything I reached into my pocket and pulled out the small box, opening it up and setting it on the table in front of her. “This isn’t how it was supposed to go. I had a whole evening planned out.” I told her, looking down at my lap with a sigh.

“Dylan…” I heard her gasp and I looked up, she held the box in her hands, tears were still gliding down her cheeks. She looked over at me but this time her eyes weren’t filled with sadness, the sparkled with love. She leaned in and kissed me gently and quickly. “Yes.” She whispered against my lips.

“Yes?” I asked, making sure I heard her right. She smiled and nodded a small giggle sounding from her.

“Yes, but…” she said pushing the ring back to me. “You had this whole night planned out?” She asked and I nodded, “then don’t let this end it. Let me see what you had planned, you went through all this trouble just for dinner, I don’t want it to all be a waste.” She smiled, her smile alone could make me smile, even in the worst of situations.

“Okay.” I said simply taking the ring and putting it back in my pocket.

A few minutes later I paid the check and we were back in the car on our way to the next destination. As much as I wanted to ask her about what happened back at dinner, I didn’t want to take away from the magical night I had planned for her. I text Tyler to let him know we were on our way and he should be hiding with the camera. About twenty minutes later we pulled up to the beach, the same beach we’d spent time at right after we met. I helped her out of the car and told her to leave her shoes in the car since we would be walking through the sand. We took a few steps onto the beach and off to the right you could see candles glowing, lighting up a pathway to the rocks. Although when we’d spent time at the beach it wasn’t on the rocks, they were the best view on the moon reflecting on the ocean.

“Dylan, oh my gosh,” she said softly, stopping in her tracks as we got closer. I looked back at her, my hand tangling in hers, a smile plastered on my face.

“Come on,” I told her, pulling her gently, walking her closer to the rocks.

Once we finally got there, I helped her step up onto the rocks, it was only a couple steps but they were a bit slippery. When we got to the top I pulled her into me for a kiss and took both her hands in mine, starting the speech I had practiced in my head so many times that night.

“[Y/N], I know it sounds ridiculously cliché but somehow, from the moment I met you in that bar, I knew that you were the girl I wanted to marry. Then as we spent more time together I only grew to love you more than I ever thought possible. We’ve only known each other for a few months now but they have been the best months of my life, I can’t even imagine what my life would be like if I didn’t have you in it.” I gazed into her eyes as I spoke softly, I noticed tears starting to fall from her lashes and I smiled, wiping them away with my thumb. “You are the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Your smile, your voice, your laugh, the way you moan and sigh softly in your sleep, everything about you is perfect to me. You’re brave, you’re strong, you’re kind, you’re giving. I’ve never met another person like you and I know I never will. You’re one of a kind and that’s one of the things I love most about you.” I took in a breath and got down on one knee, “I know this technically isn’t where we met or shared a first date but that night after the night in the bar that we shared here, when we just laid on the beach watching the waves, I knew that night that we were going to be unbreakable so I wanted to bring you back here to do this.” I told her. I pulled the box out of my pocket and opened it, at this point tears were flowing freely from her cheeks, “[Y/F/N][Y/L/N], will you marry me?” I asked, feeling a few tears trying to break through my lashes as well.

“Yes! Yes, without a doubt. Of course I’ll marry you.” She said through a laugh of tears, nodding her head quickly, her smile lighting up the night. I pulled the ring out of the box and slid it onto her finger and stood up. But, before I could do anything else, her arms were wrapped around my neck as she kissed me deeply. I laughed into the kiss, wrapping my arms around her waist and pulling her up off the ground.

Clapping and cheering filled our ears and [Y/N] pulled away from the kiss, looking around. Tyler and Liz were walking over to us, Liz had tears streaming down her face as well. Tyler pulled me in for a hug, patting my bag as he did.

“Congrats, dude. I’m really happy for you.” He smiled then pulled [Y/N] in for a hug just as she finished hugging and crying with Liz who then came over to hug me.

“You guys are good for each other. Thank you for making her so happy.” She said and I nodded. “Alright, well our job here is done, we’ll let you two be alone.” She said with a clap of her hands and head off down the beach with Tyler.

I pulled [Y/N] back into me and kissed her passionately, the night had taken a turn but still ended perfectly just as I’d hoped.

“I love you so much,” I whispered against her lips.

“I love you more.” She replied.

We stepped off the rocks and walked down the beach where I had Tyler lay out a blanket for us. We spent the rest of the night laying under the stars and watching the waves crash near our feet. Nothing could ruin this night.

#dylan o'brien #dylan obrien #dylan o'brien fic #aptch #dylan o'brien imagine

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fenanigans · 7 years

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Hate

I hate my fuck ass counselor and I haven’t even met him. He’s not black but he is a POC so its whatever like he flaked on me on cinco de mayp and I came in at 9am and she hit me with a “he’s not here” so I just don’t give a fuck about these school counselors anymore. I want that little asian lady to just listen to all my problems again, I wwant her to just ask me all the questions and I just cry and listen and cry and listen

I also hate those fuck ass niggas that made fun of me for buying food at the vending machine, it’s like.... why does what I do to other niggas matter so much? Why do niggas care about it or care to the point they gotta make fun of me for it. It hurts so much cause it’s like I’ve been financially independent from my parents for so long and people dont see that. I’ve bought mostly all the clothes on my back, all the food i have eaten, and i have been financially independent and they dont see that, they just see some fuckin loser. I think this is why i hate being around men because I always realize men always see as some fuckin child, they always see me as a fuckin broke boy and its like... why are they so disrespectful. I think i kinda know why I don’t have guy friends. I’ve been trained to subconsciously think that guys hate me and I can’t really be myself around them, I’m just not the same. I realize i’m not the same and it sucks but i have to stop being a bitch and just suck it up. Those niggas seem so cool to me too but now they’re just fuckin cornballs, idk who you are if I see you financially struggling I’m not gonna talk shit about you, I know how it feels to be a broke boy, I know how it feels to not have the things you want, I know how much it hurts to be teased about your looks,, your swag, the way you talk, All my childhood hood I was literally torn apart and broken down for being different.I feel like men couldn’t accept who I was on the outside , outside my family home and I feel like my father couldn’t accept who I was on the inside. I feel like that’s why I have more girl friends, not cause I’m gay, but cause I feel accepted by the feminine energy. I feel like women aren’t as judgmental at first and they try and get to know you, don’t get me wrong there have been girls who are fuckin savages. I feel like I’ve just been judged my whole life and I need to get stronger. I realize that my pride gets hurt and because of that I don’t want to accept people’s apologies. I always felt different being african, and then coming to America and knowing guys who have everything they want are just assholes is what really fucked my mentality up.No one knows how hard it was being made fun of for. As a girl you’re allowed to have emotions, but If I do i’m a fuckin loser, a joke. and you don’t know maybe I’m just too sensitive and too vulnerable because that’s how I am. But what i’m not is a bitch that tolerates things. I’m not going to let someone just get away with things that easily, I can’t do that because I need to prove myself somehow. I remember when I went to Orville Wright, none of the guys there really liked me. It was bad enough I had white hair but I also was african just everyday at that school was hell. Nobody liked me and my parents never built my self confidence. All they said as work hard and study but it’s not that simple. It’s hard to be in an environment where you don’t have any friends and you where uniform and you just do your best and try to succeed and you’re shut down. I think I have a problem with guys in general, I think i’m a fuckin threat to all them niggas. Guys only befriend people they can relate with and maybe i’m not meant to relate to them. I realized that most of my life, I had to hide who I was and i think I’m tired of that life.. I remember my parents wanted me to present myself a certain way to the world and I never felt accepted by anyone. I never felt like people liked me because I didn’t like myself. I didn’t like my African features, I didn’t like my white hair, I didn’t like the way my voice sounded, I didn’t like any of that. I think i just took on other people’s emotions because It distracted me from my own, I took on other people’s problems because then I felt useful, I felt like I would get the recognition I deserve.I remember that I was never good enough for the black kids, the white kids , I was never good enough for anyone, not even myself. I felt like I couldn’t open up to anyone because people on the outside world weren’t willing to listen to me and I felt like my own family wouldn’t be interested in the things I was interested in. I remember that my father would never sign my permission slips and I would always have this feeling of a dark cloud when my father was home. I never really felt satisfied in my home. I never felt like I could talk about my problems because they wouldn’t understand or they would try to give me answers and solutions but it never made sense to me. I remember when I was younger people just never understood me. People just never tried to understand me. My childhood was filled with suppressed dreams and hope of misery. I remember being made fun of for having white hiar and call me aptches whitehed and all sorts of things and I never understood why I never understoof what I did to have people hate me, I never understood why I was always targeted why was I made to be an easy target, why did god do this to me. Why wasn’t I born with regular hair like everyone else. Til this day i;m still insecure about it and i don’t know why. I feel shameful of myself that I even exist, I feel like y self worth is based off of what I do for others and not who I am as a person, I feel like I can’t trust people and I truly cant be myself around other people because I will just get made fun of. I feel like I’m worthless, you don’t just pick n someone that’s important, you pick on the weak link. I feel like a weak link, I feel like I just don’t deserve anything anymore because I’m worthless. Why can’t I let go of the pain, I can’t let go because I don’t know why they did that to me, I want to know why people bullied me or made fun of me, why does me having white hair have people hate me. I can’t let go because I don’t want to let go. I wont let it go because I know that me letting it go will validate their feelings and not mine. Me letting go will make it seem as if they’re right and I was wrong. Me letting go of the pain is like losing a battle. I feel like If i let go then my feelings won’t be validated and swept under the rug just how my parents used to do it. I think i need to accept my negative emotions, accept the pain and the fact that I am passive aggressive, I need to accept the fact that I have a problem when it comes to voicing my opinions, I have a problem when I feel like something isn’t right and saying it. I have a problem when I am around people i don’t like because they bullied me, I have to accept the fact that I hold grudges against people and it eats me alive more than it hurts them. I need to accept the fact that I can be silent at times when I need to speak up or when things are bothering me. I need to accept the fact that I’m not perfect, I’m not a straight A student and I don’t have my life together. I need to accept the fact that I am hurt b the pain and trauma from my childhood and I need help with dealing with that. I need to accept the fact that I am passive aggressive and I don’t react when something is bothering me. I need to accept the fact that I might be interested in other people that are male, I need to accept the fact that I find men physically attractive, I need to accept that

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