#micah... mm.... no thanks
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drawing red dead actors with a main character vibe part 3 🐁
i think even if i was bug sized i'd still wanna punch Micah in the face. i'd probably die trying though. but it would be worth it
still can't believe how naturally evil Micah feels though. i remember one moment on my 3rd playthrough, with a stagecoach robbery. i've never intentionally thrown dynamite at horses in the story mode, but he made me do it, and i realized what i did only after the mission. got blindly influenced for a second there i guess 💀 damn ok i can't really blame Dutch after that
#rdr2#rdr2 fanart#peter blomquist#micah bell#i only drew this bc of peter#he's cool#micah... mm.... no thanks#but u know. when u hate a character THAT much. it means that an actor did a very good job#im thinking about taking a break from drawing these things#but i'd definitely draw some more in the future. idk who to draw next yet
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For the character head canon ask: that heavy dude you like :)
Realistic sad funny unhinged, yes? Thank you Micah.
Realistic: that PhD in Russian literature is canon even if I isn't and I'll kill anybody who disagrees /j no but seriously Heavy has brains, he just chooses not to use them for fun. He's also what you might call a berserk in that if he gets real mad he just keeps doing despite life threatening injuries until the threat is a fine paste on the ground. Also heavymedic canon.
Sad: Sasha was a girl he used to know. Emphasis on used to because she is dead now.
Funny: the doves adore him and he has no idea how to handle them cause they're so tiny and so murderous. He walks into the lab and they all go FATHER and flock at him and he just has to take it and not accidentally crush anybody lest Medic give him shit for the next millennia. Medic reacts to this how a single parent would when their date, whom they want to marry, is good with their children.
Unhinged: uuh.. mm. Hmm.. again, I don't. I'm not good with these. I like to think my headcanons are rarely unhinged.
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Fly, perfect wings | Mirai | MM.9 |
Defeat is a familiar companion to Mirai, one she had been growing closer and closer to over the group’s stay in the manor; it was little things, at first her endless sense of inadequacy, her lack of belonging; little pickles at the back of her neck she’s felt for most of the life she can remember.
Then death piling on her again, and again and again for days and weeks and months on end until it finally fell directly on top of her, a crystal guillotine cutting off her lifeline to the outside and leaving her to bloom in the mud, the only place she’s truly ever belonged in, perhaps, at least that was the thing she’s told herself many times, in different languages, all her life. And yet, people had always told her otherwise, so many times, in all sorts of languages that go beyond words.
The mockery of a point and one final gift from Alou himself is the opposite of all, a new low to sink into, a new hole to be dragged into and be reminded of all the things she isn’t and couldn’t hope to be, brand new ways to harbor hatred for herself and her inability to claim that right to exist, unlike everyone else.
It’s another defeat.
But she clutches the pen, the cold steel against the tips of her fingers jolts her brain for a second. She thinks as she looks it over.
Doesn’t Olwin blush green?
That’s when she notices the stage and the makeup and all its actors, along with the true director stringing them along, she turns and listens to Micah, teary-eyed, with a little smile on her lips. She wipes the tears away with one hand, the other still holding the pen, she walks over, waiting for both Minami and Eli to have their moment before stepping over next to Micah, placing both hands on his shoulder to gently guide him down and plant a kiss over his forehead.
“Thank you. I knew I could trust you. But… mm… I… think you still owe some of us an apology, despite it all.”
But she isn’t mad, knowing she finally has a place to belong; having earned the right to exist. She pats his head a bit before walking back to her spot and taking a seat, idly spinning the pen between her fingers, stopping as she clears her throat, looking at Alou. She looks at the pen again, its note and then back at Alou, firmly she speaks:
“Learn to read.”
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1, 7, 11, 18 :)
thank you for the asks!
1 - i grew up watching the 2012 series (and i remember having a few eps of the 1987 series on dvd from some random shop) so that was my introduction to the franchise, and i didn’t get into it again until about last year where i stumbled upon some 2012 content on tumblr and i fell in love again lol.
7 - gotta say i loved touch and go from the 2003 show and wished they were in more eps.
11 - i mean i love them all but it’s gotta be 2012 leo, she was my favourite when i first watched the show and she still is now. that’s my daughter. (though honourable mentions to 2012 raph, 03 mikey, 03 donnie and mm leo)
18 - i think my favourite voices for the four turtles together are the 2003 ones (it still amuses me how leo and donnie sound so drastically different to raph and mikey) but i also really like sean astin as 2012 raph and micah abbey as mutant mayhem donnie. (but like they’re all good)
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The Maid
The Park, pg 2 (previous)(first)
Rating: G for General Audiences
Oemlaria contemplated her borrowed name as her eyes drifted to the branches above, noting the lack of breeze. There was something strange about that, like the trees were not real and yet their leaves were as green as any other. She felt like Oemlaria as her name was a bit like these trees without a breeze. It just didn’t quite fit, and there was something awkward and off about it. Perhaps, much like the owner of the name she was borrowing.
She swallowed. “Nele, have you been enjoying my name?” she asked.
“Mm…” A shift as the other woman put aside her greasy chicken bones. They nestled ghastly into the grass. “It has been… a change.”
Oemlaria swallowed a laugh. At least Nele was finding it just as strange. “Yours has been, as well. I’m deeply aware that I’m only borrowing it, and it doesn’t automatically feel like mine,” she said. “I don’t know if I like Nele, but while yours is beautiful- it isn’t for me.”
Beside her, Nele breathed out a sigh of relief. “It was nice being different,” she murmured. “But the novelty wore off very fast when I became the only one who did not fit in, and…” She looked suddenly miserable. Her sharp teeth bit into her greasy petal lips.
“What is it, Nele?” Oemlaria asked, frowning as she leaned forward.
Pale fingers pulled at the deep green grass, plucking strands up and tossing them down. Oemlaria remembered doing the same with Micah as kids when they were talking, a nervous tic. “It… became something I have been made fun of. For not matching.”
Oemlaria took Nele’s hand on her own. She smiled. “Then let’s switch back. We’re both unhappy, even if it’s been such a short time.”
She regretted grabbing them immediately. The cold chicken fat clung to those delicately calloused fingers like seafoam clung to ocean waves. She tried not to grimace. Nele’s eyes went up, and then down to their hand and up again.
“I renounce it,” she said simply. “You are Nele Fairbanks and I am Oemlaria Vulpis.”
Nele Fairbanks squeezed Oemlaria’s disgusting chicken coated hands and let go. “Thank you for letting me try your name,” she said, discreetly trying to wipe the fat in the grass behind her. “It was nice having another name to try so easily.”
Oemlaria nodded, glancing down at their hands.
She picked up her fatty chicken bones. “I wouldn’t have known,” she murmured, and then brought the bones to her lips and cracked down.The bones shattered over her pointed teeth, and she gnawed like any wild animal would have.
“I wouldn’t have either,” Nele said. She gazed, wondering as those bones cracked if she would regret this too. Yet even disgusted as she was, the thrill and exhilaration that was still deep in her chest rose. She was on a picnic. And she liked Oemlaria well enough. “Well, Oemlaria Vulpis, should we be friends anyways?”
Oemlaria looked up. Her eyes wide. “What…would we do?”
“We could keep having lunches like this, and once I’ve gotten word back from my sister, tell you about the human fashions she knows?” Nele said. “And maybe you can help me brainstorm about what name I actually want to go by.”
Oemlaria bit down on the bones again, sending shards cascading off into her cotton wrap. Her ears flicked, once, twice. Nele had seen them do that before when she had asked. And then, an eye nod.
“Would you mind helping me try on names, then?” Nele asked. “I don’t want to tell the people at the castle, because I don’t want to make them upset I'm changing my name so much.”
Oemlaria laughed a little as she looked up. “I can do that,” she said. “I did that for my cousin Lark, when they were trying to find new names.”
“Did they find one?” Nele asked, eyes wide. Someone else who had had to find names. Someone in the Vulpis compound. She wondered if Oemlaria’s cousin had traded their name like Oemlaria had tried to do for hers.
“....yes, they go by Lark now,” Oemlaria said.
Nele supposed she should have realized. “...Then…can we start with Veerle?”
Oemlaria tilted her head to the side. “Veerle,” she said. “Of course we can, Veerle.”
Nele felt a thrum run through her. She had been right- she really liked the le. She wasn’t sure if she liked Veerle though, not yet. “Would you mind calling me that all through the rest of lunch? And would you mind coming for lunch tomorrow, too?”
Oemlaria nodded. “My lunch is always the same thirty minutes,” she said. “I will be here.”
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Eavesdropping
(Enchantress Home, Gena Kingdom)
"Yes, yes, I know. I'll bring some next time I come over," Micah raises an eyebrow at Soliel's voice wafting through the kitchen. Soliel had been home alone since Micah needed to go hunting, so who was the enchantress talking to? The dragon-born walks up to the kitchen door but doesn't go inside. If Soliel is hiding something, Micah had better luck eavesdropping than confronting the woman. "Mm, no. I need to head into town soon, though. I'm running out of newts, surprisingly," Micah feels uncomfortable at the cheerfulness in the other's voice. Micah always thought the tone was only for her. "Maybe, I don't want to ask her. Micah can get overprotective," Micah's nose flares. She wasn't that overprotective, right? Deciding enough is enough, Micah walks into the kitchen. Soliel turns around to the other with a smile. She places a hand on her bubble and waves the dragon over. Micah feels the anger slowly leave her as she walks closer.
Soliel removes her hand, and Micah can see Prince Ecerardus working on some document. The prince looks over and gives Micah a soft smile. "Hello, Micah. Just the dragon I needed," Micah feels her mouth run dry and stares at the man. "Echo thinks you and Cale should meet," Soliel says, unaware of the other's predicament. "Who's Cale," Micah asks, finding her voice. She silently thanks Gaia that her voice doesn't crack. "The Oracle," Ecerardus happily supplies, if not slightly exasperated. "Sun refuses to call them by their name."
Micah almost does a double-take at the nickname. Soliel scoffs, and Micah feels her chest heat with something. Micah knew that this wasn't anger or jealousy. There was something almost warm about this feeling. A sort of happiness the dragon got as the prince and Soliel joke with each other. Perhaps Micah had been wrong about the prince. "I'll meet them," Micah says, causing both the prince and Soliel to stare at her. "Are you sure? You don't have to," Soliel says as she discreetly tries to check Micah's temperature. Micah scowls at the woman and bats her hand away. "Yes, I'm sure," The dragon turns her gaze to the prince. "You can set it up, right Echo?" Ecerardus's eyes widen as Soliel gasps. The prince nods and quickly says goodbye. The bubble dissipates soon after. Micah chuckles as Soliel paces, clearly surprised. The dragon didn't know how the future would go, but she did know this was home.
(A/n: Micah is very possessive of her enchantress. Within good reason of course. Micah tends to worry about Soliel getting hurt and doesn't want to lose them. It mostly stems from abandonment issues. Moving on from that, I have introduced one version of phones. There are three other types of phones, I believe. I don't remember off the top of my head lol. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed and have a fantastical day!)
#fantasy writing#fantasy world#fantasy#writeblr#my writing#writers#my ocs#original character#ocs#enchantress#dragon born#prince
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Kenyan Woman Becomes Tiktok Sensation with Her Comical Videos Playing, Carrying Cat
New Post has been published on https://petnews2day.com/pet-news/cat-news/kenyan-woman-becomes-tiktok-sensation-with-her-comical-videos-playing-carrying-cat/
Kenyan Woman Becomes Tiktok Sensation with Her Comical Videos Playing, Carrying Cat
Lucy Mzito aka @Luccydei1 is currently rocking TikTok with her hilarious antics with her friendly cat, Micah
A Molo native, Lucy is currently working in Saudi Arabia and content creation is really helping her cope with the stress that comes with the job
She also denied speculations that her cat is not real and went ahead to show the cat playing along, fighting with her in the house
Whenever Kenyans get videos from Saudi Arabia, they are usually of sad, mistreated women who are crying to come back home, in hospital, or on the brink of death.
Lucy Mzito who is rocking TikTok with hilarious cat comedy. Photos: Screengrabs from @Luccydei1 videos.
Source: UGC
Lucy seems happy in Saudi Arabia
Content creator Lucy Mzito who seems to be happy in the country; despite the tribulations facing her compatriots, is leaving her followers in Kenya and abroad in stitches as she makes comedy revolving around her cat called Micah on TikTok.
Read also
Lukresia Robai: 7 Videos of Viral Nurse Dancing for Street Kids, Other Kenyans While Off Duty
Lucy, known on TikTok as @Luccydei1 was born in Maasai land but she is a Kikuyu from Molo and she also uses her native language in her hilarious skits.
PAY ATTENTION: Don’t miss trending Kenyan news. Follow TUKO.co.ke on Twitter!
Although she does not have any kids of her own, she handles the little cat really well and he gets privileges often denied to other cats such as being carried on the back.
Some people say the cat is not real
Some people who have seen her skits maintain she is working with majini (spirits) and that is why she is treated very well by her boss and is not scared of cats.
In some quarters, people think that the cat is not real given the way it responds to her antics like agreeing to be carried, when she slaps it gently or playfully fights with it.
Read also
Shiro Wa Gp Teary During Apology on Mary Lincoln’s Behalf Over Leaked Steamy Photos: “She’s Our Soldier”
She denied the speculations maintaining that the cat is not a spirit and is very real.
“An animal comes closer to you depending on how you take care of it,” she said on her YouTube channel.
Content creation helps cope with stress
Given that she is in the house alone and some of the things ladies working in the gulf go through, content creation plays a big role in helping her keep her sanity.
“Gulf needs crazy people because when you are normal you will die with stress and depression of Arabs,” said Lucy.
At the moment, Lucy’s TikTok account boasts 2.5 million likes.
“Thank you for 2 million likes, tell them meaow,” she said in appreciation of her followers.
Below are some comments from her followers:
mumjayde:
“Maisha saudi yana kupeleka poa, may God protect you girl.”
user1883157059059:
“:Woi aki nionyeshe ulimanage kufunga huyo paka hapo aje.”
jmnjugus:
Read also
Wahu Tells off Fans Asking Her to Consider Getting Baby Boy: “Direct Your Prayers Elsewhere”
“You are my best kairitu.”
user4317198671583:
“Btw kuna vyenye mnafanana na hio paka ama ni mm naoverthink.”
user2584814253860:
“Aki sipusi kametulia poa mimi niliambiwa nikipatikana tiktok nitajua sijui sasa zangu ni macomments tu.”
user3239742344159girlfighter:
“Ulimwekaje kwa mgongo surely.”
Successful TikToker wants to be a journalist
Charles Onkoba Onkui is another Kenyan making waves on TikTok despite being among the thousands of Form Four students who sat their KCSE earlier in the year and managed to score a mean grade of C plain.
He become a TikTok sensation after, out of curiosity, he did a short video of him broadcasting news, and it went viral.
Onkuba said his father, Dad Tom Onduso, and mother, Rebecca Tom, always believe that one day he will make it because he is the hope of the family.
His dream was to study Media at the Kenya Institute of Mass Communication but he will join the Rift Valley Institute of Business Studies to study journalism.
Read also
Ruiru Woman Who Can’t Find Mr Right Starts Planning for Ruracio Alone: “God Will Provide a Man”
PAY ATTENTION: Click “See First” under the “Following” tab to see TUKO News on your News Feed
Source: TUKO.co.ke
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Assassin Collection Chapter 1: The Royal Family
Me: It’s not fully fleshed out or finished yet and I dun wanna make another wip on AO3!!!
Also Me: If I don’t share some of this I will die.
She-Ra and the Princesses of Power
Category: General
Assassin AU, crack treated seriously, fluff and humor, people just keep trying to kill Glimmer and she keeps making them her friends, everyone enjoys family breakfast
“Hey mom, hey dad! Sorry I’m late!” Glimmer breathlessly rushed out as she popped into existence in her chair for dinner a full thirty minutes late. Which honestly wouldn’t have been all that suspicious if she’d just gone on to complain about her half day at court. But no. She didn’t even give them a chance to say anything before serving herself off the platters he’d enchanted at the start. Micah tried to not appear too excited, when this had started happening they’d agreed to grill her before he was allowed to wiggle in his seat with glee. Not that he’d been good at it yet, but today was the day, he could feel it!
And so, he shared a quick look with his wife while doing his damndest to not break down in a fit of giggles. Which only made Angie narrow her eyes at him in suspicion before deciding that he probably didn’t know much of anything. He tapped his toes inside his boot to bleed a little energy without looking like he was fidgeting and did his best to look kingly. It was the only way he would survive this meal.
“Of course, baby girl. How was your day?” Micah managed to ask without a single chuckle thank you very much. See? He was doing just fine and even started the questions!
“Yes,” Angella said much more suspiciously, she had been at the whole cool and collected royal thing longer than he had after all, “how was your day?”
Glimmer, cheeks bulging with the food she’d already shoved into her face, flushed a little. She rapidly chewed before apparently giving up and started to answer, “Ih wa furdy-”
“Chew first please,” Angella sighed as she put her fork down with a click. But he could see the way she was biting the inside of her cheek.
“It was good.” Was what Glimmer finally said once she’d managed to choke down her food. To her credit, in any other situation with anyone else, that probably would’ve worked.
Micah glanced over and caught Angella’s eyes again, and this time he did break down into quiet little wheezing snickers. It was unfair of him to leave her playing the role of stern parent, but it was also her own fault for using that look on him when she knew he was fighting a losing battle. This was like the trade route planning with the Boughbees all over again, except this time he at least wouldn’t make a fool of himself in front of the court.
Angella put on her most aggrieved tone, sighing dramatically for effect. “Glimma…”
“What!? It was a good day! Nothing weird happened at all.” Glimmer smiled brightly. Too brightly and then flicked her eyes between them quickly. You know, the way someone who wasn’t trying to judge how well their clearly terrible lie would land. Clearly she’d been spending too much time with Adora recently, usually she could play her cards much closer to the vest.
Angie lifted one eyebrow and she hummed, “Mm-hmm.”
Micah finally managed to pull himself together and decided to put them all out of their misery, or, well, really it was fun but also a little bit of misery he supposed. “So, what’s their name?”
Glimmer had the decency to blush and not much else. “Maybe I just enjoyed myself without a single attempt on my life, ever considered that? Why do you always assume it’s someone new when I have a good day?”
Angella tried to glare over her steepled fingers as she quoted, “A smoothie.”
“MOM! That was yeaaaaars ago, c’mon!” Then when she realized her parents were not going to let it go, Glimmer slumped in her seat. Ever gracious in her defeats. “Okay, so you have to promise you won’t be mad.”
“Sweetie, you’ve been doing this for how many years?” Angella asked, finally allowing a trace of her own amusement to shine through. “I don’t think we can get upset about it anymore.”
Glimmer chuckled nervously all the same.
Which really did not bode well.
Not that they’d get upset, oh no. They were the ones who had accidentally set the precedent when they befriended Glimmer’s aunts before learning they were actually sent to assassinate them both. So, really, this was their own fault, but in their defence it had only been the TWO of them. And Glimmer was now on, what, eight? Nine if you even counted Bow’s adorable attempt, which half the time Micah didn’t. So, really, he was less worried about being mad or shocked, and much more delighted that Glimmer thought she’d somehow trick them with this old song and dance.
He was already mentally planning where to seat the newcomer for their daily breakfast together when Glimmer finally sheepishly answered, “Uhm, Hordak and Wrong Hordak?”
Now, okay, to be fair, Micah had not expected that! There was a fierce curl of pride that his daughter kept managing to yank Horde leadership right out from under their noses. But that only lasted until Angie squawked with her eyes popping out of her head, “WHO AND WHOM?”
Because that was, frankly, hilarious!
“Yup, Hordak and Wrong Hordak, and you know what? I bet they’re hungry, long trip you know? So, uh, I’m going to fix that!”
“Glimmer don’t you dare-” Angella didn’t get to finish her empty threat as her daughter teleported out of the dining room, plate loaded with a mountain of food. Only to pop back in for a second to grab a pitcher of water with an overly wide smile and disappear in another shower of sparkles.
Micah managed to only snort once until he saw Angella’s face again. And then he couldn’t help but double over with laughter, only getting louder and worse when Angella shoved his face into his mashed potatoes. Which, apparently, was enough to set her off into her own fit of laughter.
“She gets this from you!” Angella shrieked through her own laughter. “Micah! S-stop!”
But he couldn’t and he wouldn’t, which is exactly why when Adora found them a few minutes later, she gave them only the shortest glance before she nodded solemnly and left without a word. And that was actually enough to keep them both howling with laughter until their ribs hurt.
Alright then.
Two new seats at the table! He’d worry about commissioning a larger table and maybe finding a larger room for the family breakfasts later. For now he simply wiped potatoes off his face and tried to get his giggling under control.
#Glimmer#Angella#Queen Angella#Micah#she ra#spop#the assassin AU#assassin collection#all I can hear in my head is Micah going: hehehhehehehe Boughbees#and you know what?#he's right!
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Hello! I hope it's not much trouble, but I'd really love a little fic of reader coming back to camp devastated because she got her heart broken and Arthur tries to comfort her. Maybe if he's secretly in love wih her would work too. I'd appreciate it, thank you! :)
Anon, I’m so sorry I took so long!!!! But this one turned out so extra fluffy and sweet, it’s almost offensive. Honestly if you think it’s too mushy, I get it. But the truth is I live for this kind of fluff.
Masterlist
Read on AO3
You walk across camp, humming lightly with a small bundle of flowers in your hands. You can’t wait to see your boyfriend, and you hope he’ll appreciate the colorful petals you’re bringing him. Although you don’t notice, there’s a pair of eyes on you. They belong to Arthur of course, he watches you far more than you could know. Not in a predatory way, of course, but he has quietly harbored feelings for you for years.
He’d never tell you this though. Even if you weren’t involved with another man, he would never bring the shame of his affections to you. He’s too much of a bad man for someone like you, or at least that’s what he tells himself. You’re better off without him, and your boyfriend is likely a good man.
You mount up after tucking your flowers away and then ride off towards Valentine. The town is still bustling with rumors about the reported train heist in Scarlett Meadows, though you’ve been very careful to not tell anyone that your gang was involved, not even your boyfriend.
When you pull up to his house, you pull out the flowers that you’ve been careful not to crush. Beaming, you walk up to his door and knock. He opens it and gives you a smile. You’re enough of a fool to not notice how fake it is.
“I brought these for you!” you say, holding up the flowers. “I know they’re your favorite color.”
“Oh,” he says lightly and takes the flowers. You notice his smile flicker, his eyes almost look disappointed. “Thanks, y/n.”
He turns and pulls out a vase and puts them in. For the remainder of the day, you stay with your boyfriend. He has you bake a few things, adding just enough physical affection for you to not notice how patronizing he is.
You do notice a few of his remarks sting. Your boyfriend thinks you have an honest job (he knows nothing of you being an outlaw). He doesn’t approve and he does mention quite often that when the two of you are married, you won’t have to work. Of course, you’ve never really noticed that he implies more that you won’t be allowed to work when you’re married. The idea of being married catches you too off guard to notice his implications. The only thing that has prohibited you from getting married to him is your loyalty to the gang you’ve run with for most of your life.
The other thing that has stopped you from marrying your boyfriend is your thoughts on Arthur Morgan. He’s helped you so much throughout your life, he’s the person you can always depend on. You’ve quietly held a flame for him too, but you watched him too often chasing after Mary to feel like you ever had a chance with him. He just wasn’t able to notice you the way you wished he would, which is why you’re involved with your boyfriend now.
Sure, he’s not as attractive, burly or kind as Arthur is, but he’s steady at least and you do love him. There have been times when you’ve wondered if everything between you is just an illusion based on how your boyfriend will talk to you or treat you, but you convince yourself it’s just your perceptions due to low self confidence.
That night, you leave to return to your gang, despite your boyfriend pleading with you to stay. He’d tried convincing you and he’d made it very clear he’d intended to have sex with you all night. However, you just really didn’t want to. Sure, you’ve slept with him a few times, but the truth was he just didn’t do it for you in the bedroom and sex was a chore. You lied and said you had to get up early for your job.
“All the more reason to consider marrying me, little woman,” your boyfriend said. “When we’re married, you won’t have to get up early for a job.”
When you returned to camp, you sat near the fire, feeling down about yourself. Lately, you’ve started to feel like shit about yourself when you’ve been with your boyfriend, but you’re sure he loves you. Why would he constantly talk about marriage if he didn’t?
“You okay?” a familiar voice comes up from behind you. You turn and smile at Arthur.
“Yes, just fine,” you say, hiding your feelings.
Arthur sees right through you, of course. He’s seen your boyfriend with you a couple of times, and every single time he’s had to leave your presence quickly to prevent himself from punching your boyfriend in the jaw. That bastard treats you so poorly and he tries to put a lid on everything that makes you unique, the things that makes Arthur love you.
You’re aware Arthur doesn’t like your boyfriend just on the fact that he avoids you when you’re with your boyfriend, although you don’t really know why. There’s been a couple of times when Arthur has asked you about why you’re with him and you’ve tried coming up with reasons, but even to you they sound feeble.
Arthur sighs as he sits next to you. “That boah still treatin’ you right?” he asks, though he already knows the answer.
“Of course, Arthur. He’s okay.”
He suppresses another sigh, knowing you’re lying. But the two of you have had a couple of mild arguments about your boyfriend and you essentially told him to leave you alone about it. But he can tell you’re feeling down about yourself, so he settles for simply trying to be with you as a comfort. As much as he wishes to put his arms around you and tell you how amazing he thinks you are, he doesn’t. You made it very clear you’re not interested in him.
The next day, as you’re finishing your midday chores, Dutch and John gallop into Horseshoe Overlook with Strauss riding behind John. Dutch yells at everyone to start packing things up and that the camp is moving.
After a few minutes of scrambling, you hear that the gang is moving to the next state, quite a bit further south. This means you’re going to have a harder time seeing your boyfriend. You tell yourself that when the gang has moved and chosen a new spot, you’ll make a trip to go and see him and try to explain the situation that you won’t be able to see him nearly everyday.
After a couple of days when the gang has settled into Clemen’s Point, you leave early in the morning to go and see him. You just hope he’ll be understanding and you’re going to try and leave out the fact that you’re an outlaw if you can help it.
You buy a bottle of your boyfriend’s favorite wine. As you walk up to his porch, you feel a little nervous. Maybe a part of you knows this is a bad idea, but you beat that idea down. He loves you, right? Therefore he’ll accept the things you have to do.
However, when you begin to tell him just that you won’t be able to visit as much due to moving away, he grows very upset. He starts pushing you for more and more reasons as to why you’re moving and finally you just have to come out with it.
“It’s because I’m an outlaw, okay?!” you holler at him. “And my gang got found out by some Pinkertons, so we have to leave! I promise though, I’ll come and visit when I can.”
“You’re an outlaw? Wait, your gang is the one that shot up Valentine!” Your boyfriend flies off the hook then. No matter what you say or do, he screams at how horrible you are. He accuses you of being a prostitute, claiming that as an outlaw you have no morality or a sense of honest work. He calls you stupid and weak.
After he rants at you for a long period, you’re sitting at his kitchen table, sobbing. “Please,” you beg him. “You… you kept talking about how we should be married.”
“You think I wanna marry you now? I ain’t marrying some trashy outlaw! Now get the fuck out of my house!” He grabs the bottle of wine you bought and then smashes it onto the floor, stating he won’t take anything you brought. You literally run from the house, afraid he might grab his gun and threaten to shoot you.
You ride back towards camp, unable to stop the tears. You just wish you could disappear. How could you have been so stupid? It’s obvious now how controlling and manipulative your ex was, constantly bringing up the marriage thing.
When you return to camp, you stay on the outskirts, feeling too crushed and heartbroken to mingle with the others. They all know you were involved with someone and most of them really didn’t like him as he was in Valentine frequently. You don’t want to hear them talk about how much they disliked him, or to see their pitying stares. Worse, you know that in their minds they’ll be thinking exactly the same thing you are, that you were a damn fool to be involved with him.
As you sit on the log close to the lake, you hear someone approaching from behind. You really wish they’d go away. But then you hear the last person’s voice you want to hear.
“Somethin’ wrong?” Arthur asks, stopping just behind you. However, you can’t help but look up at him, aware of how messy you must look.
“I… I’m doin’ okay,” you sniff.
He sighs and sits next to you. “You don’t look like it. Look like hell. Can ya tell me about it?”
Something about Arthur makes you want to open up. Maybe it’s because you know he’ll always protect you, just like he does with nearly everyone in camp (except Micah), or that he makes it clear he cares about everyone in camp. Or maybe it’s just because you still have a massive crush on him.
You wipe your cheeks dry and tell Arthur about how your boyfriend dumped you. You end up crying again, but Arthur doesn’t interrupt. He even puts a hand on your knee. Normally you’d question this movement, but it’s comforting.
“He didn’t hit you, did he?” Arthur asks softly.
You shake your head, sniffing again. “No, but… I know he thought about it.”
“Mm, I’m sorry, sweetheart. That’s bad business. But… once this pain has passed, I think you’ll see there’s a lot better out there waitin’ for ya. ‘Sides, now you won’t have to make it a point to go out there and see him. Sounds like he didn’t appreciate ya properly.”
You look up at Arthur and smile a bit. He returns it, his eyes bright. Before you can stop yourself, you’re leaning on his arm. You just want his physical touch. He stiffens when you lean against him, and after a minute, he moves. You begin sinking again, knowing you’ve crossed a line. However, Arthur surprises you by draping his arm around you and bringing you closer to him. Your chest begins to burn with affection and pain as you lay your head on his chest.
Little do you know, but Arthur’s glad for this excuse to hold you. He’s been wanting to do this for ages. It was only out of respect for you that he didn’t, knowing you were in a relationship and believing he wasn’t worthy of your affections. However, as he holds you close now, it feels so right and so good. You fit against him like a puzzle piece and your heat seeps through his shirt to his skin.
The two of you stay in that position for sometime. By the time you pull away, you’re no longer crying. In fact, the pain of what happened is greatly lessened. You rub your tired eyes a bit and then look up at him, blushing.
“Sorry, Arthur. Didn’t mean to inconvenience you like that.”
“You think you was inconveniencing me, miss? I’d call it the opposite.” He gives you that adorable crooked smile you’ve only seen a handful of times but is your favorite. His hand is still on your back. You look down and see yours is still on his chest. You’ve imagined cuddling with him a hundred times, maybe more, but they never came close to how good the real thing felt.
Throughout the rest of the night, Arthur stays close to you, wanting to be a comfort and provide himself as your rock when you need it. You’re incredibly grateful, he helps fend off nosy questions from the others. You notice he frequently puts a warm hand on your shoulder or your back, but it helps to make you feel more steady.
By the time it’s late enough to go to sleep, you realize you don’t want to sleep alone. Arthur leans over and whispers in your ear that you’re welcome to sleep in his cot and he’ll sleep on the ground. As much as it pains you to hear where he’ll be sleeping, you accept his offer. However, when the two of you settle down to sleep, you realize you’d love for nothing more than to have him beside you.
“Arthur?” you whisper, leaning up to see him lying on his ox skin rug.
“Hmm?” he says in his deep tone.
“Will you come up here with me?” you say before you have the chance to chicken out.
Arthur sits up. “You sure?” When you nod, he stands up and slides into the cot next to you. Instantly you slide into the crook of his arm and put your head on his chest. His heart beats hard and a little fast in your ear, but his arm winds over your back. Just as you’re beginning to drift off to sleep, you feel his lips brush against your hairline. Is it possible that he feels something affectionate for you too? You like to think he does. After all, why would he be treating you like this if he didn’t?
That thought warms you up and sends you to sleep. Arthur stays awake for a long while, thinking about you. When you’d told him what your boyfriend had done, it filled him with anger. Maybe he’ll go and pay your ex a visit in a day or two when you’re more settled. But not now. He’s too happy to be here with you draped over him, your head tucked under his chin. He’d be happy to stay with you like this for a thousand years.
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Feisty (Javier x reader and Charles x reader drabble)
I just wrote a little fluffy drabble involving a reader x Javier but also turned into a reader x Charles fluffy drable as well....... ENJOY! TW for Micah being a racist, sexist gross douchebag as usual though!
You felt warm lips kiss your neck and you reached around to touch your lover’s cheek. Javier. He always woke you in such gentle ways, with soft kisses to your neck, cheek or forehead. His hands would circle your hip or waist as he drew you closer to him. You were thankful for his softness, you weren’t known as the easiest morning person.
“Good morning mi amor” he whispered to you, his unique moustache tickling your skin.
“Mm, good morning Javi.”
“Sleep well hermosa?”
You smiled, turning to face him. “I always do when I sleep by your side.” You ran a hand through his hair, you loved when he wore his hair down, then again, you liked his hair up to. The man always looked good, no matter what.
“Ah come on querida, we gotta get up” he told you.
You gripped him, throwing one leg over his own. “No please, stay with me, it is barely dawn Javi, let’s sleep a while longer.”
He chuckled at your stubbornness. “Mi amor, I can’t, I have to see Dutch about a train robbery.”
You pouted at him, causing him to laugh again. “If you loved me you would stay.”
He rolled his eyes. “Aye, come on hermosa, that isn’t fair. You know I love you. More than you know.”
You trailed a hand down his chest. “Tell me. Tell me how much you love me.”
Javi stroked your cheek as he thought on it. “I love you so much that all this work, all this running, all this fighting. It’s all for you now. I want to buy you a house, a big one, with room for a kid or two. I want to get us a bed, a big bed, the most comfortable bed you have ever slept in. One I can make love to you in every single night. I want to keep you safe from the rest of the world, forever. That’s how much I love you.”
You smiled at his words, lifting your head to kiss him gently on the lips. “I love you too Javi. Please be safe out there. Come back to me in one piece alright?”
He nodded, sitting up as he changed into his clothes, looking fashionable as ever. He leaned down to kiss you on the forehead, his parting goodbye gift every time he left you for a job.
“Te amo querida” he whispered before leaving you to sleep.
Of course, thirty more minutes was all you had before Grimshaw called your name to start working. She was a dragon that woman, always barking orders at everyone for no reason.
As you set to work cleaning the camp members clothes, Micah approached you.
“Well hello there little lady.”
You tried not to gag as he spoke to you. You had experienced a few run-ins with him and you had promised Javier you would try not to get into trouble with him again, at least not when Javi wasn’t there to witness it.
“Good morning Mr Bell” you said, trying to concentrate on your work.
“Call me Micah please” he said, stepping closer to you.
“Is there something you need? Only I have work to do” you said, throwing a shirt into the water with more force than intended.
“Oh hey now, ain’t no need to be so angry sweetheart. What’s got you all riled up? That greaser of yours not pleasing you right darling?” Micah came up behind you to whisper in your ear, making you feel sick at how close he was to you.
“Why don’t you spend a night with a real man. I could make you feel real good darling, I could have you screaming my name in a way a darkie never could. Come on, I know you have had enough of a dirty greaser in-between your legs, just….”
There was a loud cracking noise as your first connected with Micah’s jaw. He stepped back in shock as he cradled his injured face but you weren’t done yet. You charged towards him, but before you could land another blow to his face, a strong arm caught you and held you back.
“Let me go, let me kill that sonofabitch!”
“Easy there hummingbird, he isn’t worth your time, calm down.”
You turned to see Charles holding you back. Ever the sensible one of the group, you took his advice and stopped struggling against him.
“You stay away from me Micah Bell you hear me? You stay away from me and Javier. And if I hear you say a bad word against Javier, Charles, Lenny or Tilly again, I’ll gut you myself” you called after Micah as he went to walk away.
“Crazy bitch, you put a leash on her redskin” Micah shouted back causing you to struggle in Charles’ grip again.
“Hey, it’s ok, ease your storm hummingbird, he’s trying to get under your skin, don’t let him” Charles told you.
When you had calmed down, he let you go and you walked off to the edge of the camp, Charles following behind.
“Are you alright?” he asked you when you finally stopped by the horses, giving Charles’ horse Taima a little pet.
“I just hate how he talks of others. What makes him think he’s any better than you or Javier, or anyone else in this camp? You and Javier are twice the man he is. He’s a selfish bully, I don’t know why Dutch tolerates him.”
Charles nodded. “He is a bully. Which is why you shouldn’t pay him any mind. Though I do appreciate it, you defending my honour like that, and I know the others do to, especially Javier. You are a good woman y/n.”
Taima nudged you affectionately. “Thank you Charles, and thank you, for stopping me from doing worse to Micah. You are right, he’s not worth it.”
Charles smiled at his horse nudging you softly. “You are welcome. Taima likes you, I’ve never seen her so affectionate around anyone but me.”
You stroked the appaloosa’s nose softly, digging out a peppermint for her. “She’s a lovely horse, though I should stop paying her so much attention, my Orion will get jealous, he’s got designs on her I am sure of it.”
Charles nodded. “Agreed. He’s a smart stallion that Orion, got the best taste in the ladies.”
You giggled softly. “That he does. Anyway, I should get back to work, thank you Charles, for stopping me, I’m sure Javier wouldn’t be too pleased if I deprived him the chance to take Micah out himself, or at least watch me do it.”
“You are welcome miss. I don’t think Javier would have been best pleased if I allowed his love to get hurt by Micah. Listen, I know you are more than capable of dealing with him yourself as you’ve shown today, but, you find me if that rat gives you any more trouble, alright?”
You nodded as you made your way back to the other girls. “You have a deal, thank you again Charles, you are a good man, a very good man.”
Charles had never believed such a thing, but when you said it, his heart lit up in such a way, he was inclined to finally start believing it.
#rdr2#Red Dead Redemption#red dead redemption 2#my writing#fanfic#fanfiction#javier escuella#charles smith#oneshot#fluffy oneshot#javier escuella x reader#charles smith x reader
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Hey there! Do you mind writing something for Javier and reader cuddling or something cute like that? I like the way you write him it’s very good!
Oh!! I'd absolutely love to thanks for requesting this!! Also thank you! I find writing Javier very difficult so I'm glad that y'all enjoy it at least. Sorry this is short!
I felt like I was wasting away the camp while I was waiting for Javier's return, washing all the filthy clothes from mainly Micah, that man couldn't keep his long johns clean for the life of him, be it from what it looks like shit or, just general grime. He's dirty from the inside, and out.
I had just finished cleaning the last piece of laundry when I heard Lenny shout that Javier and the others were back. I nearly dropped the laundry on the ground just from hearing that. I hung up the last piece and began a brisk pace to Javier where he was hitching his horse.
"There's my handsome man! I've been missing you!" I walked closer to him and hugged him tightly.
"I missed you, Sean wouldn't stop talking the whole time, I could really use the quiet time."
I laughed lightly at what he said and we both walked towards our tent. Without saying anything he put down all his weapons and laid down on the cot. He patted the spot next to him and I quickly went over to lay down with him.
He buried his face in my neck and hugged me tightly.
"Mm I've missed you, and times like this"
"I've only been gone a couple days beautiful."
"Oh I know."
He kissed my head and then I started to drift off into sleeping.
#rdr2#red dead redemption 2#red dead redemption#rdr2xreader#rdr x reader#javier escuella x reader#javier escuella
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Savage
A/N: Happy Two Year Anniversary to this blog. I hope you enjoy.
Summary: CoCo’s trying to get back to herself with a special photoshoot and help from an unlikely source.
Standing in the bathroom mirror dressed in nothing but the skin God blessed her with, Tasha proudly turned her hips from side to side to examine her body. A small smile crept across her golden features as her eyes raked over her hips before landing on her backside. She used the tips of her fingers to grasp at the cuff of her ass and lift the area.
"Hey there, girl. Been a long time since we've seen each other. Lookin' good." Tasha's hands took the scenic route to her breast, stopping at her stomach and rubbing her palm over the section that had plagued her for years. When she reached her chest, she playfully pushed her breasts together and smiled. "And look at you guys. Sittin' all pretty after all these years."
With her hair loose and untamed and Beyonce's self-titled album playing in the background, CoCo felt a surge of energy that began a swirling motion in her hips. She watched the natural curves and jiggle of her body as she moved and smiled, finally feeling comfortable with the "new" her. A year and half postpartum was filled with the ups and downs of understanding the changes within her and accepting them. Tasha's silly dance moves were a moment of celebration that her husband, who quietly stood in the doorway to enjoy the morning entertainment, understood and appreciated.
In the middle of twirl to the rap portion of Yonce, Tasha was startled by her husband. She quickly rushed to her phone to pause the song and end her private dance party.
"No, don't stop," Chadwick laughed as he stepped into the bathroom. "I'm lovin' the show."
"I feel like you're laughing at me."
"Of course not, baby. I'm laughing with you." His last words became a sultry mumble as he made space for his lips on Tasha's. Goosebumps pebbled on her cold skin wherever Chadwick's warm palms landed, finally finding a home just above her ass. They stood in one position, holding each other and making silly conversations that kept the energy light. In the middle of a debate on which child would be the first to wake and terrorize the house, Tasha decided to share a bit of news.
"I got an email this morning from Rihanna," she casually introduced, keeping her eyes away from Chadwick's as she pretended to take an interest in the chain around his neck.
"Is this for another one of those wild girl's nights that ends up on Instagram?"
"Wow, I accidentally showed a little nipple once on IG Live once, and now it's a whole thing!" Chadwick cocked his head back with his eyebrows raised and a soft smile resting on his face.
Instead of bringing up the instantaneous internet reaction that lasted for days after the unintentional peep show, he laughed at the memory and shook his head.
"Anyway," she emphasized with an eye roll. "It was an invitation to do a little modeling very soon."
"Modeling for Rihanna, huh? Is this the Fenty makeup stuff you look so good in?"
"No, but I'll make sure to bring your compliment up the next time I speak to her," Tasha laughed before going silent.
Her sudden reluctance to continue didn't escape Chadwick as he playfully pinched her backside to get a response.
"Don't leave me hanging, girl, what is it?"
"Ow! Okay! Rihanna wants to see me in some of her new...lingerie."
"I'm sorry what was that," Chadwick asked after noticing his wife's intentional rush past the last word.
"I said Rihanna wants me to model some of her new lingerie."
"Lingerie. Like half-naked, ass out in see-through lace lingerie?"
"Possibly. She says, and I quote, that I have a nice ass that deserves to be seen all over the world. She gave me the entire rundown of the campaign and the process. Baby, I really wanna do this. I'm finally feeling back to being myself after having Noah, and I want to celebrate! I'm not going to have this body forever. I should show it off while I still have time, right?"
Chadwick could hear and see the excitement radiating from Tasha at the thought of working on the campaign, but he worried about her. From the beginning of their relationship, he'd vowed to protect her from the often cruel opinions of the public. While he trusted CoCo's ability to take the comments in stride, he wasn't sure if he would be able to refrain from unleashing his wrath upon some unsuspecting teenager behind a keyboard.
Dropping his head, Chadwick placed a chaste kiss on Tasha's nose. "If you think you can handle it, I'm all for you showing off your little cupcakes within reason."
"Oh, yeah, right. You love these little cupcakes."
"Mm, I do. 'Specially when you have 'em all oiled up for me. Ooh, or in that backless satin dress you wear on special occasions."
Tasha rolled her eyes and smiled as he ran through all of the ways he liked to see her derriere present for his viewing pleasure.
"Do you wanna hear about the overall concept of the shoot or not, lover boy," she laughed while Chadwick nipped at her neck and pressed her body closer to his.
"Go ahead; I'm listening. I can listen and rub at the same time."
"Well, what if I wanted to be rubbed separately?"
CoCo could barely hear her husband's response over her squeals as Chadwick lifted her from her feet to place her on the counter. They quickly abandoned playful tickling for more sensual forms of touching until they were too wrapped up in each other to notice other sounds in their home.
Their escalating round of flirting came to a sudden halt when the repeated clicking of the bedroom's doorknob caught their attention.
"It's time for breakfast," Micah yelled from the hallway. "You guys said playtime was at night! I'm hungry."
"What are we eating this morning, baby girl?"
"I dunno! I'm not a grown-up yet. Can Mommy wake up and make us pancakes? MOMMY WAKE UP!"
Tears pricked CoCo's eyes as she fought to stifle laughter and catch her breath. "I'm awake, Chicken Little. Pancakes coming right up. Go check on your brother."
Micah answered with an unenthusiastic grumble before dragging her feet down the hallway in the direction of Noah's bedroom. One look at each other sent Chad and CoCo into a fit of laughter at the sheer comedy of the moment.
"That's our girl," Tasha laughed.
"She's a little diva. I wonder who she gets that from."
"Oop! Is that sarcasm I hear, husband?"
"Oh, never!" Sneaking a final kiss, Chadwick stepped back to make his way toward the threshold of the bathroom. A mischievous smirk graced his face as he turned to address his wife. "She absolutely gets it from you."
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"Hit a switch on a fake nigga, like a station. Sex with me so amazing…"
Tasha silently mouthed the words to Rihanna's ANTI album while her house buzzed with staff members assisting with the early morning shoot. Though her exterior was calm and collected on the outside, she was suffering through an awful surge of anxiety.
When she initially accepted Rihanna's invitation, CoCo didn't even consider the specifics. She'd been a part of plenty of photoshoots, but all of them had he styled in clothing that didn't show off very intimate curves and lumps. Never had she been tasked with fighting to cover her nooks and crannies with her olive-colored Savage x Fenty robe.
"You think I can fit this?"
Snapping from her onslaught of negative thoughts, Tasha shifted her eyes to get a glimpse of her sister through her vanity mirror.
"Yeah...in about four months."
"I don't have four months. I wanna have sex tonight. I'm hormonal, and I want it immediately."
"Then, by all means, cram those big lactating titties in that bra."
Tiana laughed from the pit of her growing belly for several seconds until she paused. "I think I just peed a little."
This time Tasha joined in, motioning for the makeup artist to pass her a few tissues to catch the tears welling in the corner of her eyes.
"Sit your ass down, TiTi. The only person allowed to pee on the carpet by accident is still learning how to stand on his own two feet."
"I just love my little chunk muffin," she gushed, referring to her nickname for Noah. "When are they coming back?"
"Hopefully, long after all of this is over. I don't know if I'm ready for Micah to see me dressed so...so scandalous."
Taking a seat on the chaise across the room, Tiana shook her head in disapproval. "Oh girl, hush. You're a woman with a beautiful body, and Micah could stand to learn an early lesson about the power of living in your skin unapologetically. A healthy body image at a young age is important."
"When did you become a damn poet," Tasha asked in faux annoyance. She knew her younger sister was right in her advice and needed a moment to process the statement.
"I became a poet when you invited me over here for moral support. It's my new thing after reading all these rich lady parenting books."
"Who knew my little sister had morals?" The pair locked eyes through the mirror and smiled at each other when Tiana flashed her middle finger and waved Tasha off. "Really, though, thanks, Ti. I appreciate the advice."
"Yeah, yeah. Show your appreciation by directing me to the best snacks in your pantry."
The hairstylist took a break from situating CoCo's pin curls to finally release his laughter, making the Greene sister duo join in.
"You two need a YouTube channel. I would subscribe," he complimented as his laughter subsided. "Feel free to grab some food from the catering station on the deck. Or we can get someone to bring it to you. What's the order?"
"Oooh, fancy! Don't worry about that, sweetheart. I need to get some exercise done anyway. Gotta keep my girlish figure for my Savage shoot one day."
Tiana gave the room a show as she playfully ran her hands up her legs and twisted her hips in a sultry dance. Once she exited the room in search of lunch, silence filled the room once again.
Megan Thee Stallion became the soundtrack of Tasha's thoughts as she pondered Tiana's advice. Maybe it wasn't Micah that needed the body positivity message. Though she didn't necessarily hate her body, she was used to living in her shell in public, and only embracing her natural self in private. It was time for a change.
"Knock, knock." A set of knuckles rapped against the hardwood door of CoCo's vanity area inside of her closet, making her pause to catch her breath. Such a melodic blend of West Indian charm and homegirl inflections could only belong to one person.
"Rihanna?!? In my house?!? Am I dead?"
The Bajan Beauty chuckled as she moved further into the room to check on the progress of Tasha's glam prep. "If you're dead, then I'm gonna need all this shit back."
"Wow, so you wouldn't let me represent the Fenty brand for Jesus?"
"Who said you were going to see Jesus?" Everyone in the room fell into a fit of laughter as Rihanna wrapped her arms around CoCo in a warm embrace. "You look so good right now! Like...damn!"
"Do I? Because I feel like an old lady trying to be young again."
"Oh, please! Stand up." Tasha immediately began to protest, but her words fell on ears that would not take 'no' for an answer. Before she could make a mad dash for the bathroom, Rihanna rushed to pull Tasha in front of the full-length mirror to get a good look at herself.
They stood in silence for a moment, allowing CoCo to quietly regard her body while Rihanna adjusted the straps of her racy bodysuit. The custom Savage by Fenty silk robe hanging off of her shoulders hid most Tasha's body, but what she could see brought a small smile to her face.
"Cross Fit is full of a bunch a dudebro white boys, but I have to say, it works," she laughed as she turned her body to get a better look.
"I told you! I know a bunch of old bitches that need to take a seat and hang it up. You are not one of them." Finally done with her adjustments, Robyn stood on her tip-toes to rest her chin on Tasha's shoulder and smile. "Now that we're on the same page, you ready?"
Taking a deep breath, Tasha nodded and smiled, "I'm ready."
"Good. Now, get this bitch some wine and turn up the music. She needs to get loose!"
As ordered, CoCo took a break for red wine before settling in the mood of the shoot. Rihanna explained her vision for the afternoon as a beautiful look into the sexiness of motherhood and being a wife.
"It's like Desperate Housewives meets XNXX," she described as Tasha downed the last of her Merlot. "Ho, but make it, mommy."
Though the visual was funny, CoCo understood the intention and used it to fuel her movements from scene to scene. Exaggerated arches while pretending to vacuum or make up the bed felt silly initially until the praise of the photographer began to boost her confidence. In her second outfit, a floral lace teddy, she felt covered enough to be comfortable and exposed enough to feel like the most beautiful woman within 100 miles.
"Look at me like I'm your husband walking into the kitchen after a great night, and you're making breakfast to thank him. Give me those bedroom eyes."
Everyone in the kitchen could sense an energy shift as Tasha bit her lip and gave the camera a coy look over her shoulder. Flashbacks of a scenario matching the request made her stomach flutter with the emotion of seeing her man waltz down the stairs after their first night together.
"Oh, she's feeling it," Tiana smiled as she leaned over to speak to Rihanna. "I recognize that look, T!"
"You fantasizing over there, girl?"
"Let the master work in peace, please. Thank you!"
CoCo's thoughts of Chadwick became a reality when her exhausted husband walked through the front door with both kids in tow. The sight of a full crew roaming his home added an extra layer of anxiety to an already turbulent afternoon. But, taking a step into the kitchen and laying eyes on his wife gave him a second wind.
He watched her charm the room and the camera like a pro.
He wasn't the only person speechless for her display.
Micah's eyes sparkled as she watched her mother dazzle, and she couldn't help her tiny squeal. The sound drew everyone's attention while she rushed into the room.
"Mommy, you look like a movie lady," she exclaimed.
Tasha turned just in time to intercept Micah's hug before pulling her off the ground. When she looked up to find Chadwick, he gave her an apologetic look.
"I know I said we'd be gone, but Noah was fussy and I -"
"Baby, it's okay." Tasha's laughter caught Chadwick off-guard.
"You...you sure? I can take them to the park or something."
"It's fine! Right, Robyn? It's cool if they stay?"
"Girl, this is your house! It would be very Karen of me to tell you who you can and can't have in here," Rihanna laughed. "Plus, I wanna hold the baby. Gimme!"
Chadwick took Rihanna's request as an opportunity to get closer to CoCo, who welcomed him with open arms and a kiss to the cheek. Leaning in to return the gesture, he made it a point to brush his lips across her ear.
"Keep this outfit for another time. You look amazing."
"Yeah? Maybe you can help me into the next one." The thought of another racy number had Chadwick on high alert and more handsy than he would generally be in front of a crowd. "Hey, now! Get on out of here. You're holding up the crew."
"Bold of you to assume we didn't get all of that. I want some more," Rihanna added as she tickled Noah. "Miss Micah, you wanna take some pictures?"
"Yes! Please please please, Mommy! Pleaseeeee!"
CoCo looked to Chadwick for confirmation that he granted her with a nod and a smile.
"Of course, baby. Let's go find you an outfit."
With some help from the team on set, Micah found in a dress that matched the styling direction of Tasha's bodysuit. The bright sun provided perfect light for the outdoor setting, making the backyard's greenery and the blue water in the pool. Micah was a star from the first click of the camera. For a child that had only been in the world for a little over 6 years, she had knowledge of her angles and how to interact with another person in the shot. Her facial expressions mimicked Tasha's as they posed together under Rihanna's direction. Her apparent excitement to be part of her mom's moment put CoCo at ease.
Soon, Noah joined the shoot for the final 20 frames. His baby giggles infused the perfect amount of energy to finish the day.
Long after the shoot had ended and the house cleared of visitors, Tasha still found herself buzzing. Standing in front of the mirror in the bedroom, she smiled at her reflection.
"You think I could model full time. Like for AARP?"
Her comment made Chadwick choke with laughter before he could respond. "Yes to modeling, no to AARP."
"That's the right answer. Good job, babe." Once she'd had enough of looking at herself, Tasha flopped across the bed and closed her eyes. "Today felt so...good. I've never felt this free before. And seeing Micah look at me like a superhero made me feel important. She is six years old and giving me more validation than anyone in the world. It's wild."
"She thinks the world of you, trust me. We all do."
Popping her eyes open, she got a glimpse of Chadwick smiling down at her, making her feel warm all over. This was the high she's been chasing as she made the journey back to herself. In all of the photos taken and posted for likes and commentary from the public, nothing could compare to the way she felt when her kids told her 'I love you' or when her husband winked at her from across the room. His comments were confirmation of the lesson she'd finally learned. She didn't need to look a certain way for people she didn't know or care about.
All the love and adoration she desired was already around her.
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Missed Moments with You
Rating: M
Genre: Fluff/Angst
Word Count: 14353
Summary: Almost six months after Baz drunkenly stumbled back into Simon's life, they're still together and happy. Well, mostly. It'd be great if they had more time together, but work keeps getting in the way. Can their relationship survive their real lives?
Read on AO3
Sequel to “Back to Haunt Me”
AN: HAHAHAHAHA I DID IT BITCHES!!!! I FINALLY FINISHED A FIC AFTER MONTHS OF ILLNESS AND WRITER'S BLOCK!!!! Seriously, I could not do ANYTHING for so long. But I was finally able to do this! Big thanks to @carryonmylovelies for all her help and encouragement. She is the best.
Sadly, I couldn't get this to fit into any of my requests. I will try to get to those, I promise. My brain is just not functioning at full capacity and really hasn't for awhile. Hope you enjoy this one tho :)
Disclaimer: I am not a teacher or a psychiatrist. Most of my knowledge comes from being a student and a therapy/psychiatry patient, plus a little research online. This is not meant to be a super duper accurate representation of either. Dramatic License was taken.
———————————————
Simon
Even though it’s soft, I still hear the door close. It’s not like I have super ears. I’ve just been sleeping lightly, trying to stay up until Baz comes back. I hear him quietly take off his ugly shoes, walk towards the room, and open the door. I stay still as he flops down next to me and gets under the blanket. He lazily throws an arm over my side, long nose pressed against my neck. I love when he does this, wraps himself around me. Baz makes me feel so happy.
“Hey,” I say, barely a whisper. “How was the hospital?”
Baz’s groan reverberates down my skin. “Nearly punched a patient’s father in the face.”
“Sounds like the usual.”
“Mhm. Just another day and night at University College Hospital.” He tosses his leg over mine. Sometimes I swear he wants to bloody climb me. “You should be asleep, Snow, it’s late.”
“You’re up.”
“Because I’m a medical resident and my hours are completely insane. You’re allowed the luxury of a mostly normal sleep schedule, take advantage of it.”
I grab his hand over my stomach, weaving our fingers together. “I like waiting for you.”
“Mm.” He nuzzles closer and holds me tighter, then presses a soft kiss behind my ear. I’m in heaven. “Sap.”
“Always.” I kiss the back of his hand. “We should both sleep now, love.”
“Yeah,” he mumbles. “Night, love.”
I close my eyes, finally sinking into sleep as my wonderful, exhausted boyfriend holds me tight.
———————————————
I’m woken up by my alarm blaring shitty hair metal at top volume. Baz lets out a loud groan into my shoulder.
“Why do you play that rubbish?” he growls. “Why not some nice classical?”
“Because this rubbish wakes me up.” I reluctantly extract myself from Baz’s lovely arms. I hear him roll onto his stomach and spread out in a starfish on my bed. He loves cuddling with me, but he also likes to stretch out his long limbs. I grab my glasses, returning my ability to see properly, then turn around to look at him, and my mouth drops open.
“Baz!” I shout. “You climbed into my bed in your fucking scrubs again!?”
Baz lifts his head slightly and pulls at his light blue scrubs, eyebrows pulled together. “Hm, looks like I did.”
“They’re filthy!”
“No.” He flops back down, face smushed into my pillow. “I washed them yesterday. There’s just a bit of dried blood on my trouser leg. No sick or spinal fluid this time.”
I shake my head, but it’s with a smile. “I can’t believe my neat freak former roommate has developed such low standards of cleanliness.”
Baz makes an annoyed grunting sound before sinking further into my bed. I chuckle and press a kiss to his hairline. He’s already asleep again.
I grab my bathrobe and go into the kitchen, a smile on my face. It’s been five months since Basilton Pitch drunkenly wandered his way back into my life. I never imagined we would see each other again, let alone start dating. But it’s been pretty great. Baz is so much more than I thought he was. I already knew he was brilliant, but he’s also hilarious and kind and utterly amazing. I’m happier with him, and I think Baz is happier with me too.
The only problem is exactly what Baz warned me about when we started dating; he’s insanely busy. The hospital has him on a weird, inconsistent schedule. He’ll sometimes work for over twelve hours then collapse for an entire day afterwards. If that wasn’t hard enough, when this started, I didn’t factor in my own job. Very dumb, considering what I do. When I’m not teaching, I’m usually grading or writing lesson plans, so it’s not like I have a lot of free time either. We once went two and a half weeks without seeing each other. It was awful, but both of us understood. Still missed him though. I miss him a lot. In nearly six months, we’ve been on three proper dates. It’s not that I like fancy dinners and shit, I just like being with Baz. I wish we could be together more.
I stop to give Cherry her morning pet and wet food. She purrs under my hand. Then I make myself instant coffee, the ambrosia of primary teachers, and toaster waffles. I leave some for Baz to heat up later. He has pretty refined tastes, but no one can resist toaster waffles. He’ll probably be up to eat them around noon, when we’ll Skype chat while I have lunch at school. It’s my favourite part of the day. I want it to happen more often.
The phone ringing breaks me out of my lovesick melancholy. Penny’s grinning face stares back at me. I quickly pick it up. “Hey, Pen.”
“Hey Si,” she says, voice crackling slightly. “How’s it going?”
“It’s going alright. Just making myself some shit coffee and toaster waffles.”
“I’m a bit horrified your breakfast habits haven’t changed since uni.”
I scoff very self righteously. “Neither have yours. Last time I visited, you were stuffing your face with pop tarts.”
“You have no proof of that.” I can feel Penny’s glare from across the bloody Atlantic.
“No,” I chuckle. “I guess I don’t. Oh, I did almost get video proof of Baz wolfing down two Big Macs. He finished just after I got my phone out, it was amazing.”
“Ha! Get a video of it when it happens next time, then show me that and I’ll owe you a pint.”
“I’ll try next time we go out.” I slump a little in my chair. “If we go out...”
Penny sighs in a particular way. It’s the one she uses when she knows I’m down and wants to bring me back up. “Baz still working those long shifts, huh?”
“Yeah, so he’s tired a lot. And our schedules have trouble syncing up. It really sucks and it’s not like either of us have a choice in it, especially him. But still it...it’s like- I just-”
“Part of you doesn’t give a shit about work, you just want to be together more.”
I sink further on the chair, so much so I fear I’m going to melt into the vinyl. “Kinda, yeah. Does that...does that make me a bad boyfriend and person?”
“No, no, absolutely not, Simon. It makes you a normal person who desires their partner.”
“Okay, yeah, sure, but Baz warned me about his job. He told me that he would have insane hours and it would make having a relationship really hard. I told him it was okay, that we would make it work, so I can’t get mad now, right?”
“You’re allowed to be upset that you don’t get to see your boyfriend as much as you wish you could.”
“I guess, yeah.” I shove half a toaster waffle in my mouth. It marginally helps. “I don’t know what to do, Pen. I can’t ask Baz to cut his hours, it’ll mess up his degree and piss off the doctors cause they’ll say he’s ‘not being dedicated’, which is a load of bollocks but it’ll happen. And it’s not like I can change when I work. There doesn’t seem to be a solution.”
Penny sighs. “I don’t know what to tell you, Si. There’s no easy way to deal with this. I think you just have to talk things out.” I groan heavily. “Yeah, I know, you hate talking. But can you think of anything else?”
“No,” I grumble. “Save for just shagging him senseless so we can both let off some nervous stress.”
“Sex doesn’t fix everything.”
“Well, no, but it would be nice to try it period.”
“You two still haven’t slept together?!” she says far too loudly. I hope Micah isn’t home. God, that would be embarrassing. “It’s been months!”
“I know,” I groan, “but we’ve both been busy and tired, especially Baz. Mostly we’ve just been snogging, which is awesome. Baz is a great kisser.”
“Too much information, Si.”
“Sorry, sorry. I like kissing, I’d just like to do...other stuff too.”
“Which is perfectly understandable, and the only way it’s going to ever happen is if you figure out where to go in your relationship. And that’s only going to happen by talking about it and working something out that both of you can live with.”
I eat another toaster waffle. Again, helps a little, not enough. “That’s hard.”
“And necessary if you want to keep this relationship.” There’s a short pause and I try to speak before Penny interrupts me. “You definitely do want to keep it, right?”
My leg jerks so hard I nearly knock my coffee over. “Of course I do! Baz is kind and amazing and funny and brilliant and I fucking lo-”
We both go silent. I put a hand over my mouth. Holy shit, I can’t believe I almost said that. I haven’t even thought about it before, until now. (Typical, I don’t figure it out until I’m right in the middle of shit.) I mean, I’ve thought about it in a sort of abstract, future way. But not right now, not after only five months together when we spent seven years apart and an equal amount of time hating each other. Could I really be in love already?
“Shit, really?” Penny whispers. “You love him?”
I bite my nails, something I haven’t done since second year of uni. “Uh, I guess, maybe. I don’t know. It’s way too soon and I’m not exactly that experienced in love. I don’t think I can say for sure of anything...”
“Okay. What can you say for sure then?”
“Well,” I stop chewing on my nails, “I know I care about Baz. I enjoy being around him. And I really, really, really like him.”
“Is that okay with you?”
“Yeah, I can deal with that.”
“Good, stick with that, don’t jump too far. Figure out where you two stand before you start talking about love.”
“Yeah,” I sigh, “you’re right.”
“Of course I am.”
I scoff and roll my eyes, similar to Baz. I’m picking a lot up from him, “I know, I know.” My eyes catch the clock. “Oh shit, I’ve got to go right now. If I’m late my kids are going to destroy the classroom.”
Penny snorts. “The trials of a parent of thirty two children.”
“Exactly. Talk to you later, Pen, love you.”
“Love you too, Si, bye!”
The phone clicks off, leaving me hopelessly alone with my thoughts. So, I want to be around Baz more. That’s reasonable, he’s my boyfriend. But neither of us can be around more because of our beloved jobs. I’m going to have to find some solution. But not right now because I’m going to be very, very late. I rush out the door with only the thoughts of the tube schedule on my mind.
———————————————
“Lishie, no,” I say, taking the marker from her hand, “that’s a shared class writing utensil, you can’t chew on it.”
Lishie pouts at me, blinking her big brown eyes. “But Mr. Snow,” she whines.
“None of that, please. If you must chew on something, please use your own pencil.” I lean down to look at her drawing of a castle. “This is your favourite place, huh?”
“Yeah.” She points at her lovely pink palace. “This is my Lishie only place. It keeps my brother out and shoots lasers at bad guys.”
I nod with a big smile. “Both are very important. Nice work.” I turn to Zahir. His drawing is of a beautiful shoreline with a fiery sunset. “And what place is this?”
“It’s the view from my grandparent’s house,” he chirps.
“It looks lovely, Zahir, good job.”
I stand up and check the other kids. They’re all doing wonderfully. I help where needed, handing them markers and giving colour suggestions. Luckily the kiddos are being good today. I don’t think I can handle their particular brand of tornado like insanity right now.
“Mr. Snow, look what I did!” I lean down to Harrison’s level. His picture is of himself with his two Mums holding hands under an abundance of trees.
“It’s amazing, Harry,” I say. “Where are you three in this picture?”
“We’re at the camping ground where my Mums met. They got married at the lake last year. We go there every summer break.”
“Aw, that’s very sweet.”
“Are you married, Mr. Snow?” Rosanne calls out. I hate mean nicknames. They’re a dumb bullying tactic. At the same time though, “Nosey Rosie” is occasionally apt. Not that I’d ever say that out loud, of course.
“No, I’m not married, Rose,” I say calmly.
“Do you have a girlfriend?”
The kids start muttering and giggling. I sigh, shaking my head. “No, I don’t have a girlfriend either. But my love life is none of your business, munchkins.”
“A boyfriend?” Liza shouts. “My mum said you probably have a boyfriend.”
I sigh and rub my temple. Well, while her mother is correct, the beautiful and single Ms.Thorn has also made many advances on me. I suppose me being gay rationalises my kind rejections of her. I believe she needs to get over herself.
“No, I don’t have a boyfriend.” I hate lying to the kids, but I’m not going to talk about my relationship with them. “Again, my love life is personal.”
Thandi gasps, and leans over to Riya beside her. Her tone suggests a whisper, but her volume shows she absolutely means to be heard. “What if Mr. Snow has a secret girlfriend or boyfriend?”
They all start chattering away with big grins on their faces. I sigh heavily. There is nothing ten year olds love more than gossiping, especially about their teachers. I’ve caught my munchkins talking about if the football coach and year 11 science teacher are together. (They aren’t. Both Coach Markova and Mr. Saadia have been married for over twenty years. Their husbands are wonderful friends.) I don’t want to become the next rumour on the playground.
“Okay, hush up all of you,” I say loudly. They all quiet down. “It’s not appropriate to discuss my personal life, so you’re going to stop right now, understand?”
“Yes, Mr. Snow,” they reply all at once in a shamed, slightly annoyed tone. It’s one I’m extremely familiar with.
“Good. Now go back to your drawings, or we’ll start the maths worksheets early.”
They all gasp, then go back to drawing. I hear whispers about normal things, like Power Rangers and Disney movies. I sigh and return to my desk, leaning back in the chair. Honestly, even if I did want to answer the kids, I wouldn’t be sure what to say. I do have a boyfriend officially, but I barely see him. Twice a week at best. It’s not his fault, he tries his best. I fuck up more than him honestly. I just wish we could be...more boyfriends? That doesn’t make sense.
My pocket buzzes and I pull out my phone. I’m not supposed to use it during class hours, but the kids are working right now, it’s fine. The text is from Baz. My pulse speeds up like it does every time. But when I open it, my heart drops instead.
Baz [13:40]
Hey love. So sorry but I can’t come over tonight. Need to pick up an extra shift. I promise I’ll make it up to you ❤️
I sigh heavily, trying to suppress the disappointment and hurt. It’s not his fault, he’s doing his best. We’ll figure something out. Right?
Simon [13:41]
it’s alright love we’ll find another time
Baz [13:41]
❤️
———————————————
“No, no, hold the rock like this.” Baz adjusts my grip. I love his fingers, long and elegant. If he wasn’t a doctor, I think he would make an incredible pianist.
“How does the way I hold the rock change anything?” I ask.
“It helps you get the right angle to skip it.”
I frown in confusion. “I thought the rock’s shape helped with that.”
“Both help. So,” he guides my arm back, “let’s try.”
Baz’s callused fingers caress my bare skin. I let out a shaky breath. God, I shouldn’t get this hot and bothered from Baz just touching me. I’m not some horndog, I can wait for sex. The pent up tension is just...getting to me a bit.
“Now flick it, Snow,” Baz says.
I fling the stone forward. It flies over the pond, sending ripples across the aquamarine water. The stone nearly reaches the other side before finally dropping. I’m grinning ear to ear. When I turn around, Baz is too.
“Wonderful job, love.” He presses a kiss to my temple. “I knew you could do it.”
God, I’m going to melt into a puddle. I peck his lips softly. “Thanks for showing me, love.”
He kisses me back, a bit firmer. I would snog the life out of him right now if we weren’t in the middle of Regent’s Park, apparently a popular relaxation spot for UCLH. We’re surrounded by nurses chatting, residents resting, and doctors smoking cigarettes. (Baz says doctors truly have the least regard for their own health.) We sadly pull apart and take a seat on a bench. I put my head on his strong shoulder, and he throws his arm around me.
“How were psych rounds today?” I ask.
“Awful,” he groans. “Mr. Teversham still refuses to take his medication, and Mx. Joseph is fighting therapy at every turn.”
“Hm, well, you expected this. Any ideas?”
“Mx. Joseph needs to be in therapy without knowing they're in therapy. Mr. Teversham needs to be sedated so he can’t yell at me anymore.”
I snort. “Not sure that’s legal.”
“It’s not, but one can dream. Both probably need adjustments in their medications but that would affect serotonin levels too much at this delicate stage of treatment.”
“Mm, that sucks. Anything you could do for now?”
“More group therapy and coping techniques, I suppose. Little else we can do.”
I nod thoughtfully. Honestly, I have no idea what he’s talking about, but I try to be interested. It’s important to him so I do my best.
He slowly strokes my hair. I lean closer to him. “How’s your work going, love?”
“It’s alright. Kids aren’t being too destructive. Oh, I’ve been working on something else though.”
Baz smiles, pulling me closer. “What’s that?”
“A new scone recipe.”
He lets out a joyous laugh, throwing his head back so far some of his gelled hair gets dislodged. I like the way a few raven strands fall in his face. “You seriously haven’t run out of new ones to try?”
I shrug. “Not yet. Maybe one day.”
“And then you’ll start making your own.”
“Probably.” I throw both arms around his torso, squeezing him tight. “I’ll give them to you to try.”
He chuckles softly. “Well, maybe. I have to stay in good shape to keep up with the other residents, and I can’t mess up what little sleep I have.”
I deflate slightly. Right, he’s gotta watch his health more than me. I should remember that. Bloody hell, I’m a terrible boyfriend. “R-Right. Well, I’ll make something else for you I guess...”
He makes a humming noise, but I can’t tell what it means. I’m horrible at non-verbal cues and unfortunately Baz is still no exception. I want to ask him about being around, about us being together, but the words get all tangled in my throat. I don’t know how to ask him without sounding like a selfish arse.
(Maybe I am a selfish arse. Maybe I don’t deserve this, deserve him.)
(No no, Simon, stop it, stop with the self deprecation.)
(Even though he is better than me...)
I’m about to open my mouth when two clashing beeps ring out. Baz and I scramble to our phones.
“Fuck,” I groan. “Emergency staff meeting in twenty minutes. I’m gonna need to get a cab.”
“Me too,” Baz sighs. “Dr. Dehnavi wants to talk to me about a new inpatient. I suppose I should be flattered, but I’m more annoyed.”
“We’re both suffering it seems.”
“Apparently.” Baz leans over and pecks my lips. I lean forward, just slightly, asking for more that I can’t have right now. “I’ll text you later, love.”
“Yeah, me too.” We dash off in different directions. The questions I have still hang in my throat, but I put them down for now. Next time. Maybe...
———————————————
Thursday April 21
Baz [06:06]
Hi, love. I’m finally done my night shift. We still on for the cafe this afternoon?
Simon [07:01]
hey sorry I didn’t get this until now. unfortunately i’ve got some last minute extra tutoring to do with Sasha sorry
Baz [07:02]
It’s alright. You free Friday night?
Simon [07:02]
nah got grading ☹️ gotta go to class ttyl!
Baz [07:02]
Alright, talk to you later.
———————————————
Sunday April 30
Simon [17:37]
hey baz can I come over tonight?
Baz [17:58]
Unfortunately not. I’m on call for OBGYN all night. Lots of sitting with tiny sick babies in the NICU...
Simon [18:05]
fuck that doesn’t sound fun at all ☹️
Baz [18:06]
Absolutely is not. I’ll text you later okay?
Simon [18:06]
Okay ❤️
———————————————
Wednesday May 8
Baz [22:24]
I miss you
Simon [22:24]
I miss you too
———————————————
My phone rings at lunch. Baz’s slightly smiling face looks right back at me. I took the photo one night when we were watching telly. He’s got his hair all piled up in a bun, wearing an LSE sweatshirt. He looks gorgeous, as always. I’m so entranced by the picture that I answer it just before the last ring.
“Hey,” I say. “What’s up?”
“Not much,” Baz replies, sounding extremely tired. (He’s been sounding like that more and more lately.) “How’s your day been?”
“Not too bad. Joey fired a spitball at me, but I took the straw away pretty quickly.“
“Dear Lord, you teach monsters.”
I chuckle, shaking my head. “Nope, just children, love. They’re naturally nightmares.”
“Don’t have to tell me, Snow, I have four younger siblings.” He sighs, and I can imagine him tilting his head back, hair falling down behind him. It’s a nice image. “Are you free next Friday?”
“Hm, let me check.” I look at my Google calendar, which is filled to the brim with multicoloured event tabs, everything from field trips to when lesson plans need to be done. (I consider the second one more a guideline than a rule.) Friday is surprisingly blank. A grin breaks out across my face. “Yeah, Friday is good. Got something in mind?”
“Well, I finally have a Friday off. So I was thinking we could dress up and go somewhere nice. Somewhere with fine food, candles, a generally romantic atmosphere. Does that sound good to you?”
I can’t help biting my bottom lip like some stupid teenager. I haven’t seen my boyfriend in person in nearly three weeks, sue me. Sure there’s been some texting and calls and Facetimes, but none of that compares to the real thing. I’ve missed how Baz’s long fingers feel between mine, or the way he cups my cheek perfectly when he kisses me. I just want to be with him. And finally we have a chance.
“That sounds very good. And uh...” I take a pause to muscle up courage to say what I really, really want to say. “Do you want to go to my place afterwards? And sleep over? But y’know...not sleep?” Baz snorts. My cheeks are probably bright red. I groan and rub my forehead. “Sorry, that sounded dumb. I’m an adult, I should be able to talk about sex openly.”
Baz sighs in his strangely affectionate way. “Well, we both know you’re not the best with words, Snow.”
I chuckle and shrug. “Okay, true. But the message still got across right? What I’m asking? But please don’t feel pressured, I just wanted to ask if we could try...”
“Yes, it definitely did. And I would love to try. I think six months is a long enough wait. And I’m really sorry about that.”
“Don’t blame yourself, love, we’ve both been pretty physically absent. Life has just been nuts for us.”
“Agreed. So it’ll be nice to...unwind a bit.”
My face is absolutely bright red now. A lot of inappropriate thoughts are racing through my head right now. I have to shove them down so my brain doesn’t start dribbling out my ears before I have to go back to teaching.
“I-I would like that a lot too.” And of course the first lunch bell decides to ring just then. I groan loudly. “Fuck, lunch is over. Kids will be back soon. Text you later to set up details?”
“Sounds good. Bye, darling.
“Bye, darling.”
I listen until Baz hangs up, then press my phone to my chest with a sigh. I feel so unbelievably giddy. It’s ridiculous, really, to be this excited about a dinner and (possible) sex. But for some reason, my chest is so full it's about to explode. I want to run around the room, shouting to the heavens that I’m going on a lovely, romantic date with Basilton Grimm-Pitch.
Fuck, maybe I really am love. That’s a terrifying, wonderful thought.
———————————————
“Does my hair look alright?” I tousle it to the left, then to the right, then to the left again. Penny sighs and shakes her head on my screen.
“It looks fine either way. But if you don’t decide soon, you’re going to be late!”
I groan and tighten my tie, trying to see myself in my tiny image in the corner. “I know, I know, I just want this to be perfect.”
“Nothing can be perfect, Si.”
“Yeah, but I can try.” I sigh, buttoning my grey suit jacket. This is the one nice suit I own, and I took great precautions to keep it from getting wrinkled on my way to work. “So much hasn’t gone right or easily in our relationship. I want one thing to not go down the drain.”
Penny nods thoughtfully. “Understandable. Just also be realistic.”
“Yes, I will.” I check my watch (a graduation gift from Penny that goes really well with my suit) and inhale sharply. “Shit, I really do have to go. Bye, Pen!”
She waves with a big, toothy smile. “Bye, Si, good luck!”
“Thank you!”
We press the red button at the same time. I tuck my phone into my jacket, then do a last cursory look at myself. No wrinkles? Check. Dashingly messy hair? Check. “Supplies” for later waiting in my bedside table at home? Absolutely check. Awesome. I’m so bloody excited I could seriously start flying right now.
“M-Mr. Snow?”
My head head whips around at the small, familiar voice. It’s Jeremy, with his wavy brown hair and little freckles. He’s sniffling, wiping his nose and blood shot eyes. I immediately rush forward and get on my knees in front of him.
“Jeremy? What’s wrong? Are you okay?”
He makes a big sniff, more tears falling down his cheeks. “M-My dad was supposed to pick me up outside, but he never came! And Ms. Reinhart tried to call my mum and she’s not answering and I don’t know what to do!”
He breaks out into another sob. He wraps his little arms around my neck, crying into my shoulder. I pat his back, trying to comfort as best I can. Poor kid. I’m unfortunately aware of what Jeremy’s parents are like. This isn’t out of character for them. His dad’s probably off with his college age mistress and his mum is partying late with her friends. From what I know, Jeremy was an accidental teen pregnancy, and now his parents hate each other and resent Jeremy for “ruining” their young lives. (Baz would say something about emotional stunting and projecting and shit.) This is the first time they’ve truly abandoned him though. Poor, poor kid.
“Is there anyone you trust who could come get you?” I ask quietly.
“My aunt,” he sniffles. “But she’s super far away.”
“Okay, where does she live?”
“L-Luton, I think.”
Fuck, he’s not exaggerating. Luton is an hour away on a good day, and it’s the middle of London rush hour. His parents may be able get here before her, but she’s probably much more stable than both of them put together.
“Alright. Do you know her number?”
Jeremy nods and moves off my shoulder. He pulls out a cheap flip phone. One of his parents probably gave it to him for emergencies. That’s one good decision on their part. He then hands it to me. The contact is listed as “Auntie Caroline.” I stand up and press dial, Jeremy still clinging to my leg. It only rings twice before it’s picked up.
“Jeremy?” a seemingly female voice says, sounding utterly frantic. “Are you okay, love?”
“Hi,” I say, “I’m Simon Snow, Jeremy’s teacher. Don’t worry, he’s here with me, he’s safe.”
She lets out a very deep sigh. “Oh thank god. Is there something wrong?”
“Unfortunately, yes. His father was supposed to pick him up but hasn’t shown, and his mother isn’t answering her calls.”
“Those bastards,” she growls. “My brother and his good for nothing wife have already put him through hell, but this just takes the bloody cake!”
“Believe me, I agree with you. Considering our shared opinion, I was hoping you could come pick him up? I know it’s a lot to ask this late and you’re all the way in Luton but-”
“Don't have to ask me twice. I’ll be there as soon as I can. But it’s going to take me an hour, maybe two.”
I think about Baz, about everything we have planned, about every missed connection these past few weeks. But then I look down at Jeremy, who has the most tragic expression I’ve ever laid my eyes upon. I sigh heavily, then put the phone back to my ear.
“Don’t worry, I’ll stay with him at school until you come. Let me give you the address.”
I rattle off the school’s address, my room number, and the best route to get here. She listens raptly, obviously scribbling it all down.
“Alright, got it. Thank you, Mr. Snow, this means so much to me.”
“No problem, see you soon.”
The line clicks off. I get back down in front of Jeremy. “Your aunt is going to be here soon, Jer. Until then, we’re gonna stay here and sit tight. Okay?”
Jeremy nods, wiping away more snot. “O-Okay.”
“Awesome. How about you go sit in the reading corner and I’ll join you in just a sec.”
“Okay.” He throws himself at me, hugging me tight. “Thank you, Mr. Snow.”
I smile and pat his head. “You’re very welcome, Jeremy. Now go read and get your mind off all this.”
He pulls away and runs over to the reading nook, throwing himself into the neon pink bean bag chair. He grabs a Harry Potter book. Good pick, it’s something he’s familiar with. Though I hate to think how much he relates to the way Harry grew up.
I go to my desk on the other side of the room and take my phone out. Baz’s beautiful contact picture stares back at me, and my heart twists painfully. I hate this situation. I hate that I’m doing this again after nearly three bloody weeks of no physical contact. I can only hope he can understand. And forgive me. The other end rings three times.
“Hey.” Baz’s honey sweet voice is both comforting and painful right now.
“Hey,” I sigh.
“Oh no, that’s not a good ‘hey,’ is it?”
“No, unfortunately, it’s not.” I run a hand through my hair. “Remember Jeremy? One of my kids?”
“Yes, the one with the arsehole parents.”
“Yeah, that’s him. And tonight his parents have really taken the cake. Dad was supposed to be here but is probably off shagging his barely legal mistress, and mum is probably out clubbing and not picking up either.”
“Bloody hell, what a nightmare.”
“Exactly.” I slump into my chair, tugging my tie loose. “His aunt’s coming to pick him up, but...she lives in Luton...”
It’s Baz’s turn to sigh deeply. “And you’re going to have to stay with him until she gets there.”
God, I'm such an arsehole, and a predictable one at that. “I’m so, so sorry, Baz. I really wanted to go out tonight, and I know you don’t get many days off. This is such an out of the blue thing and I can’t just leave him. I promise I’ll make it up to you.”
“It’s alright, Snow, I understand. I’ll hold you to that promise, okay?”
“Please do. I’ll text you later, yeah?”
“That’s good. Bye, love.” The tinge of sadness in Baz’s voice fucking kills me.
“Bye, darling.”
He hangs up, and I hang my head with a quiet groan. I’m such a dickhead. I could’ve left Jeremy with Ms. Reinhart and went on my date, but I know she has a sick mother at home that she takes care of. Then I would have ruined the date by feeling all guilty and shit. I hate that this is probably the best choice.
“Mr. Snow?” I turn to Jeremy. He’s looking at me with a furrowed brow and pout. “Are you okay?”
I shove all my guilt and worry deep down, and put a big smile on my face. “Yeah, I’m good, Jer. Now how about you read some Harry Potter to me? I’d love to hear it.”
A grin breaks out on his face. “Okay.”
I leave my jacket and tie on my desk and stride over to him. I sit in the beanbag next to him. (Of course I didn’t get these things just for the kids.) Jeremy opens the book to his page.
“Chapter 12,” he starts with gusto
And I sit there listening to him for God knows how long. I laugh, make comments, correct his pronunciation when needed. I'm still a teacher after all. Then when the chapter is done, we watch silly animal videos on my laptop. I make sure Jeremy is happy. He deserves that after all of this. He needs to feel safe. I just wish it wasn’t at the sacrifice of Baz getting stood up, again. God, am I ever going to get to see my boyfriend again? Is the universe ever going to let us have a moment together? I can’t really blame the universe though, I guess. This was my choice. I’m awful. Baz doesn’t deserve this. I don’t deserve him, honestly.
Soon enough, a middle aged woman with long pink and purple hair sticks her head through the door at the other side of the room. “Hello?”
Jeremy grins and drops the book immediately. “Auntie Caroline!”
Caroline grins and catches Jeremy right in her arms, holding him up high. I walk to them but keep a good distance. “Hey munchkin, good to see you. You okay?”
“Yeah, yeah, Mr. Snow stayed with me. We watched kittens!”
“That sounds awesome.” Caroline turns to me. “Thank you so much, Mr. Snow. Is there any way I can repay you?”
I wave my hand. “Don’t worry, no payment is needed. Just glad Jeremy has somewhere to go.
Her face falls slightly. She puts Jeremy down, touching his head. “Can you go get all your stuff, dear?”
“Okay!” Jeremy races off to the cubby area at ten year old speed. It’s a unique phenomenon. Caroline looks at me with a very serious expression.
“Here’s the thing,” she says in a hushed tone, “I’ve been trying to build a custody case for months, but I haven’t been able to get concrete proof of abuse and neglect. This changes things. If my lawyer needs you to, could you please testify at the custody hearing? I know it’s a lot to ask. You’ve already done so much, so if you can’t, I understand-”
“Say no more.” I take a sticky note from my desk and write out my mobile number. “Here. Tell your lawyer they’re free to call me. I’ll do anything to help Jeremy get somewhere safe.”
She sighs and takes the note. “Thank you, Mr. Snow.”
“Please, call me Simon. Only my students have to use my last name so I can pretend I have their respect.”
She chuckles. “Okay, Simon. It’s no wonder Jeremy says you’re his favourite teacher.”
Well, I don’t need an ego stroke (at least that’s what I tell myself), but...it’s nice. I nod with a humble smile. “Good to know.”
Jeremy runs up, wearing his bright red power rangers backpack. “Ready.”
“Awesome. Say goodbye to Mr. Snow.”
Jeremy gives me a big, full arm wave. “Bye bye, Mr. Snow.”
I tousle his hair, making him giggle. “Bye, Jeremy. See you Monday.”
“See you!” He grabs Caroline’s hand and literally skips away with her. Honestly, I’ve never seen him this happy outside of class. He usually hangs his head and slumps off after hanging around in the cubby area for as long as possible. I know the patter well. It's what I used to do before I went to Watford, when I was stuck in shitty group homes. I hope Caroline gets custody. Jeremy deserves to be happy.
Slowly but surely, I collect all my stuff, from my snot covered jacket to my book bag. I look at my phone, and see a few texts from Baz.
Baz [16:56]
Hey, just wanted to reassure you that I’m not upset, I understand. I’ll get another day off eventually.
Baz [18:30]
I’ve got some takeout, it’s lovely. I’ll save some for you the next time you come over ❤️
Baz [19:18]
I’m going to bed soon. Hope Jeremy gets to his aunt’s safe. Good night, love.
I sigh, my heart feeling like a lead balloon. I absolutely need to make this up to him. I’ll figure something out when my brain isn’t so exhausted. For now, I can at least text him back.
Simon [19:23]
Sleep well, love. I’ll talk to you in the morning ❤️
Baz doesn’t reply. He’s probably asleep. Probably...
I walk home with my shoulders slumped and feeling like an utter, utter twat.
———————————————
“I’m a dick,” I groan.
“You’re not a dick,” Penny says. “You did the right thing and kept a student safe. That makes you an incredible teacher.”
“And a crap boyfriend.” I throw my cookie dough on the counter a little too hard. It makes an awful splat noise.
“Well, maybe, but Baz has bailed because of his work as well. And he said he understood.”
I grumble as I roll out little balls between my hands. Baking always helps me calm down. Well, usually. Right now I’m close to crushing each one. “Yeah, I guess, but I still feel super bad.”
“Well, take him out on his next day off.”
“Yeah,” I chuckle darkly, “that’ll probably be in about two or three months.”
Penny sighs, sounding just as defeated as I feel. “That fucking sucks. I can’t believe his schedule is really that insane.”
“He works himself to the bone, because he’s a great doctor and he’s going to be a great psychiatrist. It just means we don’t get a lot of time together, but it’s fine.”
“No, it’s not fine. Both of you need to carve out more time for each other. You’re not the only one who is having issues, Si.”
“Yeah, but like, he can’t help but work more. Being a doctor is more demanding than being a teacher. He doesn’t have control of his hours.”
“Neither do you!” She’s practically yelling. “Being a good teacher means going above and beyond for your students. Therefore, you have to put in extra hours if you want your students to have a great education.”
I make a semi agreement noise. My non-verbal way of saying she may have a point but I don’t like it. “Okay, maybe. But Baz doesn’t deserve to be neglected because of it.”
“Of course he doesn’t, Si, which is why you have to make time for him. And he has to do the same for you if you want this relationship to work.”
“I know you’re right, Pen, I just don’t know how.”
There’s a small pause, and I can imagine Pen stroking her chin like the old scholar she is in spirit. It’s comforting to think of. Penny thinking was a staple of the best parts of my childhood.
“What time is it where you are?” she asks.
I look down at my watch. “Uh, about 11?”
“Good. Finish what you’re baking, bring it to the hospital, surprise Baz with home baked treats. Then see if you can get Baz to go to lunch with you. If not, at least give him something to eat during his insane shift. Try to talk to him or ask him to talk about all this later. Sound doable?”
I’m grinning so wide it threatens to dislodge my earbuds. “Yeah, definitely sounds doable. Thanks, Pen.”
“No problem. Si. Now can I run this new lesson plan by you?”
“Absolutely, go ahead.”
Penny starts rattling off her curriculum points while I throw the cookies in the oven. And for the first time today, I feel good. I feel hopeful. It’s nice. I’ve missed it.
———————————————
UCLH is a towering, intimidating giant of white metal and panes of glass. It’s hard to not feel freaked out looking at it. Anytime I went to the hospital as a kid it was because of a fight at the group home or injuries from particularly awful foster parents. There was never a good reason to be here. Until now, that is.
From what I remember, Baz said he would be on psychiatry today. Problem is, I have no idea where the fuck that is. I can barely navigate my tiny school. This is an entirely different, far more sterile beast. I walk to the front desk where a man with big round glasses and very cool arm tattoos is sitting.
“Hi,” I say cheerily as possible.
“Hello,” he replies with a perfect, pearly white smile and a thick American accent. “How can I help you today?”
“Uh, I’m looking for the psychiatry wing? Specifically for Dr. Grimm-Pitch.”
“Okay. Are you a patient...?
“No, no, I’m his boyfriend. Got some stuff to drop off for him if he’s not too busy.” I hold up the Christmas tupperware filled with raspberry and white chocolate chip cookies. They’re Baz’s favourite.
The man’s eyebrows shoot up. “Oh, you’re Basil’s boyfriend?”
“Yeah, last time I checked,” I chuckle.
“Wow. Nice to finally meet you. I’m Shepard, from Omaha, Nebraska.”
He holds out his hand, and I of course shake it. “Nice to meet you, Shepard from Omaha, Nebraska. I’m Simon, from uh, Lancashire, I guess.”
“Good too meet you too, man.” He leans his cheek on his hand. “Y’know, Basil has mentioned you exist a couple times, but won’t say anything else no matter how much I beg him.”
I shrug with a smile. “He’s a private person.”
“Yeah, but if I were dating you, I’d be bragging about it.”
Well, now my face must look utterly ridiculous. I’m twenty five years old and blushing from one compliment. “T-Thanks, wow. You’re pretty forward.”
He throws his head back laughing. “Nah, just blunt, man. And way too nosy, at least according to your boyfriend. Says I have some sort of anxiety fueled need to overshare and figure out everything about people."
"That...sounds odd."
Shepard shrugs. "Pretty sure it's made up. Besides, I already have two therapists. Don't need a third one." He laughs, and I laugh along with him. Thought part of me is truly concerned about him. Hope he's okay, he seems nice. "Anyway, I hope Basil is less intense outside of work than here.”
“Most of the time, yeah. He’s got his softer side, just has trouble showing it.”
“Believe it when I see it. Also,” he hands me a pamphlet, “psychiatry is on the fifth floor. Take the south elevator up and turn to the right. Basil should be at the front desk. Said he had patient files to sort all day.”
“Awesome, thanks.” I take out a cookie and hold it out to him. “Here, you can have this, unless you’re allergic to berries, gluten, or dairy.”
“Nope. I will happily take that.” He plucks it from my hand. “Thanks, man. Tell Basil I say hi, and I still have his pen.”
“Will do, thanks!”
He waves me off with half the cookie already in his mouth. Interesting guy. I may have to come back to talk to him more.
I follow Shepard’s instructions as best I can. Though I get lost trying to find the elevators, twice. The halls twist and turn and loop back in on themselves. Seriously, who designed this hospital, Willy Wonka? Eventually I finally make it to the elevators and suffer in the sanitizer smelling tube for five floors. The psychiatry floor itself isn’t too bad, just kind of bland. Lots of blank grey walls and inoffensive paintings of scenic nature. And it’s pretty straight forward compared to the first floor. I just have to walk down the hall, turn at the “front desk” sign, and there will be-
I freeze in place. There’s Baz, with some redheaded guy leaning on his desk.
“Come on, Basil, you can’t be serious,” he says in a smooth, beautiful voice. “I’d totally shag Dr. Mayer over Dr. Dehnavi. Mayer has such polished charm.”
“Hm, I prefer a more ruggish look,” Baz replies with a half smile. “And Dehnavi gets that wonderful five o’clock shadow after a day of rounds.”
“True, very true. Not so hot when he’s yelling about oral board prep.”
Baz lets out a laugh, shaking his head. Wisps of black hair fall in his face. He looks at the redhead with a sly smile. “Well, I haven’t gotten to that point yet. But I do get an earful about SSRI dosage levels.”
“Oh lord, you’re giving me baby doctor flashbacks, stop. I’m scared Dr. D is going to be on the other side to yell our asses into submission.”
They laugh together, and redhead moves closer to Baz, their hands nearly touching. My heart drops to the ground and burrows into the centre of the fucking Earth.
Baz looks at ease, content, and most of all, this guy seems to understand what the hell he’s talking about. Definitely more than I ever have. And he’s super bloody attractive. And he’s there, like I haven’t been. Fuck. Deep down, I thought this was going to happen, but it’s still ripping me apart. Baz has found someone better. I’m just the stupid poor orphaned kid he had a crush on in school. Now he’s gotten those old feelings out of his system and he’s found someone, another doctor no less, who can easily be a better boyfriend. Bloody hell, I’m about to cry. I need to go, right now.
I quietly and quickly get away. Going back through the hospital is a blur. And not just because my eyes are filled with tears and fogging up my glasses. My brain is a jumbled, heartbroken mess that can’t focus on anything. I think Shepard waves at me as I walk past but I can’t bring myself to respond right now. I don’t stop moving until I throw myself into my car, tossing the cookies on the front seat.
Finally, I have to stop. And worse I have to think. So, Baz has found a new guy. Some pretty red haired doctor who makes him laugh with doctor humour and probably doesn’t bail. He’s probably going to break up with me today. I should just break up with him, save him the hassle...
I’m gripping the steering wheel so hard my knuckles are white. My cheeks are raw from wiping tears away. I think about losing Baz, losing a chance to make things better, and it's the worst pain I've ever felt. A small part of me thought that maybe Baz was it. That he was the person I could actually, possibly spend the rest of my life with. Maybe it was a stupid thought. I was so stupid.
My head falls forward, forehead pressed against the wheel. And I just cry.
———————————————
I’ve called in sick for a week. I’ve never called in for that long, not once in my teaching career. But I can’t get off my couch, let alone leave my flat. I’ve been laying here for days, surrounded by takeaway wrappers, watching old Dr. Who episodes, cuddling Cherry nonstop. Penny is probably worried about me but I haven’t really been using my phone. I’ve tried to call Baz a few times, but always hang up before it starts dialing. I know I should just rip off the band-aid already. But I’m a coward, I guess. I’ll just lay here, waiting for Baz to call me and finally dump me. Every time I think about it, I still cry a little.
The phone rings and my heart gets so tight I can hardly breathe. Fuck, this is it. I slowly lift it up. But it’s not Baz’s photo I see, or Penny’s. Rather, it’s Agatha’s, grinning with her soft California tan. I press talk right away.
“Hello?” I say
“Oh thank god,” Agatha sighs, “you’re alive. We were all sure you’d been in a horrible accident or something!”
“Um, no, I’m fine, just a little under the weather.”
“Then why haven’t you been answering your fucking texts, you arse?!”
I move the phone away from my ear slightly to avoid hearing loss. “I told you, I’ve been sick. Haven’t felt like responding...”
“Okay, that excuse could work on Baz or even Penny, but I’m not buying it. Cut the crap, Simon, what’s wrong?”
I sigh, running a hand over my face. Well, she’s here, and I’m too tired to make up another lie. “Baz is breaking up with me.”
“What?!” I move the phone again. Agatha is going to make me go partially deaf in one phone call. “That dickhead! I- Wait, what do you mean is?”
“Well, uh...he hasn’t dumped me yet...”
Agatha takes a pause. I can imagine her expression right now. Probably a lot of confusion mixed with disbelief. “Okay, please explain this to me, because I’m so lost.”
I sit up, scratching the back of my neck. “Well, um, Baz and I have been having issues meeting up for the past month. Things kept happening. Baz had this wonderful date planned after three weeks of not seeing each other. But then a kid from my class needed someone to stay with him because his stupid parents wouldn’t show up and we had to wait for someone else. So I cancelled and Baz said he understood but I still felt awful. Then the next day I was going to bring him cookies to say sorry, but when I got there, I saw him chatting with this redhead doctor. And I realised Baz had found someone better. Hoped it wouldn't happen but yeah, he’s going to break up with me. Just waiting for him to call or come over. I’d do it myself but I’m too much of a wimp.”
There’s a long drawn out silence. The only sounds are the California waves on Aggie’s end and Cherry meowing for attention on mine. More than ever, I wish I was a mind reader. I want to know what’s going through her head. It’s probably less muddled than mine.
“Simon,” she says slowly, “I need you to know that I’m only saying this because I love you very, very much. This all comes from a place of caring.”
“Uh...okay?” Now I really need to know what’s in her head. But I think I’m about to find out.
Agatha takes a few deep breaths, and then, well...explodes. “You absolute, goddamn fucking numpty! You’re seriously throwing away objectively the best relationship you’ve ever had because you saw him chit chatting with some redheaded twat!? For Christ’s sake, Simon, this is beyond idiotic and self destructive!”
“Hey I-”
“Shush, Simon!” I shut my mouth. “I get you have some serious self esteem issues, Si, but what happened to acknowledging and dealing with them? You are not a warm body for Baz until he finds someone ‘better.’ He’s been pining after you since bloody Watford and being with you is his dream come true. I know because he’s told me so!”
My cheeks flush a little. “R-Really?”
“Yes, really! He adores you, Si, he thinks you hung the bloody moon. In no world would he just up and dump you!”
“I-I mean, yeah, but like, I’ve been an awful boyfriend lately. I wouldn’t blame him if he did...”
“You really think Basilton Pitch, king of overthinking and future psychiatrist, would dump you without first trying to talk?”
“Um, well, I can see your point.”
“Good. I promise you, Simon, he doesn’t want to break up with you. But if you don’t talk to him soon, it may be too late. So get your arse in gear and get your guy. Or I’ll come from all the way across a continent and an ocean just to smack you upside the head.”
I chuckle softly. Huh, this is the first time that’s happened in awhile. Feels good to laugh. “Okay, will do. Thank you, Ags.”
“You’re very welcome, Si. Please send me an update later so I know you’re okay? And Penny too so she doesn’t blow a gasket.”
“I promise. Talk to you later?”
“Talk to you later, Simon. Bye.”
“Bye.”
The second my phone is off, I jump up. I’m invigorated with new energy, both happy and terrified. I may have just ruined the best thing that’s ever happened to me because I’m insecure as fuck. I’ve got to fix it. Before it’s too late.
I pick up all the takeaway containers at lightning speed. They don’t all fit into my trash though (God that’s sad), so I have to get a new trash bag. At least I don’t have a depression nest anymore. That’s a good start. Next step, I run to the shower. I smell fucking ripe. No way I can apologize while smelling like the bottom of a McDonald’s dumpster. Thank every god that I still have some hot water left. I scrub quickly and furiously until I stop feeling so gross.
I jump out and go to my room. Unfortunately, I haven’t done my laundry in a week either. The only things I have are a baggy pair of jeans and one of Baz’s shirts. It’s soft cream with flower buds on it. For all his dark brooding, Baz has a thing for florals. It smells like him, cedar and bergamot with a hint of hospital antiseptic. I put it on.
I’m halfway through the buttons when I hear my door open and close. What the fuck? Who’s here? Who has a key?
“Snow?” Baz’s voice calls out. “Simon, are you here?”
Oh. Oh shit. I dash out of my room, shirt still half open. I even slide on my laminate floor like a cartoon character. Baz is standing in my entryway. And he looks like a total mess. His hair is disheveled, there are huge dark circles under his eyes, and he’s got close to an actual honest to god beard. We just stare at each other way too long. Until I can find my words again.
“Baz,” I stutter. “Hi. W-What are you-”
“Oh thank god.” He runs forward and throws his arms around me in the tightest hug I’ve ever felt. “You’re alive. I thought you were dead or in a coma or-” He pulls back. His eyebrows are all scrunched up. “Is that my shirt?”
My face starts to heat up. “Um, uh, yeah. Didn’t have anything else. I was going to see you. What are you doing here? Are you okay?”
He scoffs, but it’s with a smile. “No, not really, I’ve been worried sick all week. You weren’t answering my texts or Bunce’s. I was scared shitless. I came here because it was my last resort.” He pushes back my hair, rubbing his thumbs along my temple. It’s downright tender. “I’m just so glad you’re okay.” His hands move to my shoulders. “Where did you go?”
“I, uh-” I hang my head. “I-I did something dumb. And I got super sad and I didn’t know what to do. So I was just here a lot...”
His eyes grow wide. “You were here at your apartment? All week?”
“Um, yeah...”
He steps back and blinks. His face is just blank, and honestly it’s more freaky than him panicking. “You’ve been home alone all week, and didn’t tell me?” I nod slowly. That blank face suddenly morphs into unbridled anger. “What the fuck, Snow?! You couldn’t take two seconds to text me back to let me know you’re bloody alive?!”
“I-I didn’t know you texted.”
“Check your phone!”
I scramble over to my couch and scoop up my phone. I haven’t looked at my notifications out of fear. Oh...oh fuck. 53 missed text messages, and 42 are from Baz. My stomach feels like it’s full of rocks. I really am the worst.
“Oh god,” I say, voice very strained. “I’m so sorry, Baz, I was just so caught up in my shit, I wasn’t checking my phone-”
“Obviously.” He rubs the bridge of his nose. “Why did you come to my work?”
My eyes go very wide and my body becomes very stiff. “Wait, you saw me there?”
“No, but Shepard came to talk to me the next day. He asked if my boyfriend was alright because he ran out looking upset. I was surprised he knew who my boyfriend was, and even more so that you were there. So why were you at UCLH and talk to me?”
“Uh, I wanted to talk to you and say sorry for standing you up. B-But when I came, you were um, talking to this guy...” I curl in myself, rubbing my arm. “And I freaked out because I thought after I fucked up the date you’d found someone better and...were going to dump me.”
I look up, and Baz’s jaw is wide open. He drags his hands down his face. “Oh my god, Simon,” he groans, “after all the time we’ve spent together, I can’t believe you still think that low of me.”
“N-No! I don’t!”
“You thought I would dump you after six months together because of a cancelled date? Which you cancelled to help a neglected child?! I’m not a monster, Snow, I’d never do that.”
“Y-Yeah, I know, Baz. It’s just...” I rub the back of my neck. “When I saw you with him, it made all this shit come up and I totally panicked-”
“I understand that, Simon. But it was one conversation with another guy! Why did you ghost me instead of just talking?”
He sounds less angry, more desperate than anything. But it makes me feel even worse. “Because...because I got scared and anxious and I hated seeing it so much...yeah.”
Baz’s mouth is a thin line. “That’s not a real answer, Snow. Why on Earth did you think the worst of me instead of trying to talk?”
“It’s not about you!” I shout desperately. All the words are so muddled up, I can’t get them out. It’s not Baz’s fault, my brain is just being so unhelpful right now. I wasn’t ready for this talk, fuck.
“What does that mean? You stopped talking to me because you thought I was bloody cheating on you! How is this not about me in some capacity?!”
“I didn’t think you were cheating! I just- I thought- I just got so freaked out because I didn’t want to lose you-”
“You weren’t going to lose me!”
“But I thought I was and that scared me so much because I- well, I-”
“Because what, Snow?!”
“Because I love you, you massive arsehole!”
The room goes absolutely, perfectly silent. Baz’s lips have fallen wide open. I inhale sharply. Oh God, did I really just say that out loud? I clap a hand over my mouth and look down, trying to get my breathing under control. I can’t believe I just did that. I’m such an idiot. Baz is going to dump me for sure. Adores me or not, I’ve probably scared him off. My hand falls down.
“I’m so sorry, Baz,” I say softly. “I-I didn’t mean to say that. It just came out-”
“Did you mean it?” I lift my eyes up slightly. I expect Baz to look horrified, angry, maybe even disgusted. But instead he looks...kind of awestruck? His eyes are wider than I’ve ever seen them before. I think about lying, but I don’t think he’s upset. And I have a feeling that if I lie he will be. I think I need to stop hiding my feelings from Baz.
“Yeah. I did.”
His lips fall open even more. And I swear, he’s smiling a little. My heart is beating faster. “Seriously? You...you love me? In love with me?”
I take a deep breath, trying to calm down my racing mind. I nod and take a small step forward. Not crowding Baz, but getting closer. “Yeah. I'm in love with you, Baz. I-I know it’s too soon, but I can’t help-”
Baz cuts me off with the most intense, head spinning, world shaking kiss of my life. He presses the small of my back with one hand and grabs my curls with the other. I literally stumble backwards from it. Baz takes the chance to press me against my hallway wall. Like he’s shielding from the world with his own body. He’s kissing me so hard, so passionately, and I can’t help but melt.
Is this Baz’s way of saying he loves me too? I don’t know. Honestly, I don’t care. This is heavenly to the Nth degree. I’m good at turning off my brain when needed. So that’s exactly what I do.
I push back against Baz with equal force. He groans so deeply it makes me shudder. I grip his face tight, pushing my fingers through his tangled but still soft hair. He drags his tongue along my bottom teeth, slowly and carefully. I nearly melt into a puddle. We’ve never kissed like this before. Even our most intense snogging sections don’t come close. It’s like Baz is trying to touch and grab every part of me but can’t decide which. I don’t mind. He can have it. I’d give him all that I am and more. I’d tie our hearts together, chamber by chamber.
Baz runs his hands down my thigh. I can feel the heat through my trackies. He hooks under one of my knees, pulling it up. I think I get the message. (I hope). I jump, fully prepared to fall flat on my arse, but Baz catches me easily. I wrap my legs around his waist while he holds me up above him. Christ, he’s strong. It’s so hot. And I love this angle, because I can snog the life out of him more easily. This is amazing. But I still want more.
I pull off his mouth (sadly), just enough so I can speak. “Bed?”
Baz just nods and kisses me again. He pulls us off the wall. He barely stumbles as he walks us through my flat. I scramble to unbutton his shirt. I know Baz is really into this because he’s making no fuss about me possibly ruining his clothes. Soon enough, we stumble into my bedroom. Baz quickly kicks the door shut, cutting off the rest of the world, and I don’t mind one bit.
———————————————
Baz and I roll apart solely because we need to breathe. Our chests are heaving. My blankets and sheets are completely tangled around us. I’m more sweaty than the one time I tried to go to a cross fit class. However, this was a way better workout. I’m glad I kept all those supplies in my nightstand.
So, now I know what sex with Baz is like. It’s sweaty, vigorous, a little awkward, and so, so incredible. Pretty sure my brains have been thoroughly fucked out. It takes me a few panting moments for me to muster up a singular word.
“Wow,” I say. My voice is really hoarse, but I absolutely don’t mind.
Baz lets out a small laugh. His voice sounds rough too. It’s really hot. “Still very eloquent.”
“Fuck off.” I lightly push his sweaty shoulder. But when I start to pull back, Baz grabs my wrist and tugs me towards him. Before I know it, Baz is kissing me again. It’s soft, slow but so unbelievably hot. I completely melt into his arms. He’s so warm and strong and I could spend an eternity wrapped up in him. No more work or life, just Baz and I in this bed forever. My god that would be a dream come true.
He pulls off to kiss across my cheeks, then down my neck. He already knows the exact spots that drive me insane. (Well, Baz has always been a quick study.) My eyes flutter closed. I’m falling into that haze again, where my head gets foggy and I can only think in “yes” and “please” and “more.” Part of me wants to sink back into that bliss, but the aching of my out of shape muscles is unfortunately more insistent.
“Baz,” I whisper, “as much as I would like a fourth round, I’d also like to be able to walk tomorrow.”
Baz groans, but relents and rolls onto his back. We settle for just staring at each other. I don’t mind. Baz is always gorgeous but he is a different kind of beautiful right now. His face is all flushed, pupils blown wide, black hair plastered to his damp forehead. And I thought I couldn’t get more attracted to him.
“You alright?” he asks.
“Yeah, absolutely.” I cup his face, running a thumb on his cheekbone. “You?”
“I’m bloody fantastic.” He spreads his fingers out on my side, tracing the most delicate patterns that make me shudder. “Can’t believe I was so scared of this.”
My heart beats faster as my eyebrows scrunch up. “Scared? Of what? Me? I’m sorry-”
“Don’t apologize, Snow. I wasn’t scared of you, not at all.” He sighs and pulls me a little bit closer. “I just built up sex with you so much in my head that it became overwhelming. I was terrified of fucking it up after wanting it for so long.”
“Yeah, I’ve been thinking about it from the start too. Six months of sexual tension really mess with your head.”
He chuckles. I like the way his breath hits my skin. “Simon, love, I first fantasised about sleeping with you when we were 15.”
I was already flushed, but now I’m on fire. It’s a miracle I’m not a pile of ash right now. I flap my mouth open and closed like a fish for too long. Baz just smiles at me like I’m beautiful or something, not a total deer in the headlights.
“R-Really?” I finally get out. “That long?!”
“Mhm. I told you, Snow, I figured out I wanted you in fifth year. Puberty was a bloody nightmare with you right across the room.” We laugh quietly together. But I genuinely feel bad for Baz. I hold the back of his head, running my fingers through his soft hair.
“I’m sorry you went through that, love. Must’ve been awful.”
Baz sighs, putting his hand on mine. “Thank you. At least things worked out in the end." He pecks the tips of my fingers. "I’m glad we finally did this. Real life was far better than any fantasy.”
I kiss the corner of his smile. He giggles, so small and adorable, something I never would’ve thought Baz was capable of until six months ago. I’m so happy. And my heart sinks, thinking about how this was almost over because I was so insecure.
“I’m sorry,” I blurt out, and Baz’s face becomes much more serious. “I-I’m sorry that I vanished without telling you. That was immature and dumb. And I’m sorry for scaring you. I promise I won’t ever do that again.”
Baz nods slowly, mouth twisting from side to side. He brings our hands between us, holding me tight. “I accept your apology. Just, what happened, love? I’m still not sure what you meant.”
Well, I knew this was coming. Doesn’t make it any easier. I clutch him hard, like I’m scared he’ll go. But if the last hour or two means anything, I don’t think he will. Still, I hold him tight.
“That’s a long story,” I sigh.
Baz presses his lips to the back of my hand. It’s firm and comforting. “You can tell me. It’s okay.”
I carefully roll onto my back. Baz goes onto his side, propping his head up with his free arm. We keep our hands together. I really can’t let go of him right now.
“I meant it when I said it wasn’t about you,” I say. “It’s really not. I don’t think you’re a terrible person who would dump or cheat on me. It’s more that...that I was scared and felt worthless. Part of me has always felt worthless, unlovable. Sometimes my brain is like ‘your own parents didn’t want you, why would anyone else?’”
“Simon-”
“You don’t need to tell me it’s not true, Baz, I know. Most of me does, anyway. But sometimes that mean voice gets louder, and it’s been louder lately. Not because of you, not really. It’s because I think you’re incredible and brilliant and that mean voice kept telling me ‘why the hell is he with you? He’s way too good for you. He’ll find someone better.’ And after weeks of missed dates and the whole dinner fiasco, it got worse. Then when I saw you with the other doctor I guess the anxiety just took over. And I just sort of shut down.”
Baz moves closer. “I’m sorry, that’s horrible.”
“Thanks.” I sigh and run a hand through my tangled hair, like I’m trying to pull the stress out of myself. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you this. I didn’t want to dump all my shit on you. It’s a lot to deal with and I should deal with it on my own, not pull you in.”
“Simon,” Baz says firmly, holding himself above me, “you can absolutely pull me into your shit. I want to know everything you’re worried and scared about, so I can be there to help if you want. You never have to hide anything because I love every single part of you, no matter how insecure or sad.”
I stare at him for too long. My heartbeat is roaring in my ears. Slowly, a smile stretches out across my face. “You love me?”
Baz’s face pulls together in confusion, and for a moment I’m scared he’s going to take it back, because I’m not worth it. But then I push that fear down because Baz cares about me. He’s shown that again and again. I'm not unworthy of his love.
“Did I not say it?” he says, genuinely surprised and concerned.
“I mean, maybe, but things were a bit...chaotic before.” My eyes flick over to our rumpled clothing strewn across my room. It honestly looks like a tornado somehow hit both a Primark and a Topshop. Baz laughs with a nod.
“Okay, good point. Let me correct that then.” He delicately holds my chin, making sure our eyes meet. Black hair surrounds his face like a dark halo. His deep sea eyes sparkle with his gorgeous smile. Everything about him is absolutely stunning. “I love you, Simon Snow. I’ve been in love with you since we were kids, because you are the most kind, most caring, most wonderful man I’ve ever known. You are not a holding place or my second choice. Got that?”
I nod very vigorously. I can’t speak right now, my throat is too filled up with all my emotions for words. I wipe my snot and tears with the back of my hand. Extremely unsexy. God I’m a mess. But Baz still looks at me like I’m the most gorgeous thing in the world, because he loves me, imperfections and all.
“Don’t cry, love,” Baz chuckles, “it’s okay.”
“Just overwhelmed,” I say, still sniffling, “and happy. I love you too.”
Baz kisses my forehead. “I know, and I’m very happy as well.” He tucks his head into the crook of my neck. “Not to get all psychiatrist, but these issues of hidden insecurities and fear we both have are going to reoccur if we don’t communicate more.”
I nod, rubbing the arm he has across my chest. “Yeah, I agree.”
“Good.” He rolls slightly, chin placed on my shoulder. “In the name of communication then, I think not seeing each other for weeks on end isn’t good for us. We need to try to meet in person more.”
“Yeah, definitely. I think not seeing you for a while made my anxiety get worse. Thought you would dump me because it was too hard for us to meet up.”
“Honestly,” Baz sighs, “I felt something similar. Not as badly as you, I think, but still not fun. The self deprecating part of me wondered when you would finally get sick of my insane schedule and break up with me. I’m not exactly the easiest person to date. Or the easiest person, period.”
I laugh quietly and tug him closer. "Me neither, love."
Baz smiles all the way to his ears. He kisses me firmly, making my head spin, before pulling me away just as quickly. Our noses stay pressed together. “Suppose we match then, love.”
I throw my arms around his neck. I’m grinning, I can’t stop grinning. “And you like that?”
“I love it.”
“Me too.” I press against his back, reveling in his warm, smooth skin. “I promise to make more time for you. I want this to work. ”
Baz kisses a mole on my cheek. “So do I. I’m in this for the long haul, Simon.”
“Good, because I’m not letting you go.”
“I would love nothing more.”
I grab Baz’s head and smash our mouths together again. Baz instantly returns it, holding me tight. His body is a warm blanket on top of me, protecting me from anything bad in the world. Yeah, I could spend the rest of my life with Baz. I want that so much. Our snogging gets more intense. And each of us can definitely feel our mutual arousal pressed against our thighs.
Baz pulls off my mouth, but only a little. “What happened to needing to walk tomorrow?”
I shrug with a sly smile. “Eh, who needs walking? You can just carry me everywhere.”
He grins once before kissing me hard. I’m truly a lucky guy. And it’s incredible that Baz thinks the same. I’m living a charmed life.
———————————————
Three months later
“Y’know,” I pant, “you could help.”
Baz looks up from his phone, one eyebrow propped up. “Who carried all your KitchenAid hardware to our new place?”
“Okay, yeah, but that was down the hall, not up four flights of stairs.” I drop another box of books and breathe heavily.
“That mixer was very heavy.”
“Baz.”
He lets out a very dramatic groan, making a show of hanging his head over the back of Penny’s settee. “Fine. I’ll help.”
I don’t miss the joking glint in his eyes. Arsehole. He just likes making a show of it. He kisses my cheek on the way out. I slap his arse, making him yelp, but his smirk tells me he’s not upset at all.
“Are you two flirting?” Penny calls out from the hall. “I told you, my flat is a flirt free zone!”
“No flirting, Bunce,” Baz says. “Just some light groping on Snow’s part.”
Penny groans so loud I’m pretty sure the whole floor can hear her. She walks in with a box filled with figurines. She glares at me viciously. I throw my hands up in surrender.
“I slapped his arse, didn’t grab it.”
“That’s not much better, Si.” She places the box on the ground and puts her hands on her hips. “Focus more on moving and less on your boyfriend’s arse.”
“Aw, don’t be mad, Pen, I’m sorry.” I wrap her up in a tight hug, and she holds me just as close. She’s been doing that a lot lately. I don’t mind. “Y’know, that offer to fly to Chicago and kick Micah’s arse is still on the table.”
That finally makes her laugh. She shakes her head against my chest. “No, it’s alright. I’m mad but not really vengeful. He tried to break up with me, I just wasn’t listening to him.”
“Still not an excuse to start dating someone else.”
“Yeah, I guess," she sniffles. "Thanks for subletting your flat to me."
I kiss the top of her head. "You're very welcome, Pen. Anything for you."
She holds me tighter. I let her hang on to me. It’s the least I can do.
“After all the fuss you made about me helping,” Baz shouts, “now you’re just standing there, Snow? Really?”
I sigh and look up over Penny’s head. Baz is balancing two large boxes because he likes to show off how strong he is. But he’s being helpful, and his strength is hot, so I don’t mind.
“I am comforting my friend,” I say, tone very high and mighty and mocking.
“Yes, but avoiding work must be a plus.”
“Oh, absolutely. And teasing you.”
Penny laughs and pulls back from me, looking at Baz as he puts down the boxes. “As a psychiatrist, you think it says something that even though you’re together now, you two still bicker like in school?”
Baz tilts his head side to side, stroking his chin like a great scholar. “Probably could say something about regressing to old patterns of behaviour from when we were children. But now after time together, working out our issues, and forming better patterns of behaviour, the bickering is now a show of affection rather than true antagonism. Therefore it has transformed into a healthy relationship feature from a bad one. A rare but possible event.”
Penny blinks at him. I’m trying to hide my blush. Don’t really want Penny to know how hot I find Baz being all smart and shit. Still have no idea what he’s talking about, but now I definitely want to rip his clothes off. Penny would kill me though. Murder would not be sexy.
“God,” she chuckles, “you really are a psychiatrist.”
“Yeah he is!” Shepard stumbles in, a box wobbling precariously on his arms. “Either that or he’s a weirdo who enjoys being in a hospital all the time for some reason.” The box tips over. I run up and catch it just in time. “Oh, whoops, sorry.”
“You break it, you suffer Bunce’s wrath, Shep,” Baz says.
“Damn right you do.” Penny walks past him, leveling a look over her glasses. Shepard gulps and watches her as she goes downstairs. And he follows her to help, looking totally out of it.
A pair of familiar arms wrap around my waist. Baz rests his chin on my shoulder. “In my humble psychiatrist opinion, I think our dear American might have a little crush on Bunce.”
I chuckle, cupping his cheek. “I wouldn’t blame him. Pen is pretty awesome.”
“Oh," he says with a teasing lilt, "should I be worried that she’s living down the hall from us now?”
I scoff and roll my eyes like he does at stupid people on telly. “Should I be worried about you working with Dr. Lamb?”
Baz makes a very unattractive dry heaving sound. “Never. That backstabbing twat can go eat a bag of rusty screws. Only reason I give him the time of day is because he’s got my supervisor wrapped around his stupid finger.”
“And if you piss him off you’ll lose important psychiatry rounds, yes, yes, I know. He’s still gonna try to flirt with you.”
“Yeah, because he’s a twat. But I only want you.” He kisses a mole on my neck, his favourite one. “I love you, Simon.”
I kiss his temple. “I love you too.”
“I love you so much I’m willing to give up my lovely condo to move into your weird exposed brick hipster building.”
I scoff and turn to him, arms around his slender neck. “Wasn’t it your idea to move into a bigger place here because it’s closer to both of our workplaces?”
He smiles, kissing the tip of my nose. Bastard. I hated his teasing in school, but he’s right, now it’s out of love. Crazy, stupid, wonderful love. “Since when do you listen to me?”
“You have a good idea every once in a while.”
“How about this one?” He kisses me firmly. When he pulls back a little, my heart is beating rapidly.
“Yeah, I like that one.”
“Good.” We kiss again, soft and slow. Never before have I felt so safe and content kissing someone. Baz can hold me close and make all my worries go away. Part of me still can’t believe I get to have this. A person who adores me completely, including every single weird, flawed, stupid part too. But I have to stop thinking like that. I’m allowed to be happy. I’m allowed to be with someone so incredible. And someone so incredible can absolutely love me back. The work we've both put in to being together shows our mutual care again and again. We deserve to be happy together. It's amazing.
“Oh for fuck’s sake!” Baz and I pull apart to look at Penny’s glaring face. “We leave you two alone for five minutes and you’re already defiling my apartment?”
“This is still technically Snow’s flat, you know,” Baz says smoothly.
“And you don’t want to know how we’ve already defiled it.” I give the biggest shit eating grin I can.
Penny waves her hands in front of herself. “Nope, nope, I’d rather live in blissful ignorance. Also, Simon," Penny hands me an envelope, "postman came. This is for you. Thought I'd grab it before they accidentally delivered it to me."
I rip it open with ease. Inside is a paper with familiar terrible handwriting. I grin ear to ear. Baz looks over my shoulder. "What is it?"
"It's from Jeremy." I scan down the letter. Luckily I'm adept at deciphering kid writing. "He says he misses me but likes his aunt's place a lot. They garden a lot and he's playing football on a community team.:
"All sound great," Penny says, having moved to the shoulder not occupied by Baz.
"Yeah, definitely. Oh, and he's got a new kitten. And guess what he named him?"
"What?" Penny and Baz say at the same time. It's pretty hilarious but I keep myself from laughing to avoid any glares.
"Snow." I hold up a Polaroid picture of a grinning Jeremy holding a small, fluffy white cat. Both of them can't help but make awing noises.
"Adorable," Baz says. "You did a good job with that kid, Snow."
I kiss his cheek. "Thanks, love."
"I want a cat," Penny sighs. Her nose scrunches up. "Am I going to turn into a crazy cat lady?"
"Hey," I say, "you were the one who told me that was a sexist stereotype. So no, you're going to be a very sane, wonderful, brilliant cat lady." I lean closer, whispering in her ear. "And maybe, once you feel better, you can try talking to a certain American. I think he's got a thing for you."
Penny sticks her tongue out, but before she can respond, Shepard comes stumbling in with a box of china. He places it very carefully. I can see him not so subtly watching Penny out of the corner of his eye. I don't think he wants to piss her off again. “Okay, I think that’s all of it. Wow, a lot of books. Reminds me of my Mom's office back in Omaha.”
"So I remind you of your mum?" Penny asks, arms crossed over her chest. Shepard's eyes go wide. I snort into Baz's shoulder
"No! No, definitely not, I just mean...you're both super smart."
Penny scoffs. "Good answer, American. Now let's get all my books unpacked."
I groan loudly. “Come on, Pen, not today. Why don’t we go to mine and Baz’s flat and we’ll make you dinner?”
“You mean I’ll be making dinner.” Baz raises his eyebrow at me. “You can’t cook, Simon.”
“I’ve been learning!”
He sighs over dramatically. “Very well. You can chop the onions.”
“I’ll take it.” I put my arm on Penny’s shoulders. She leans into me like always. “Come on, let’s eat.”
“Can I come?” Shepard asks, beaming wide. Who could say no to that face?
“Of course! You deserve a reward for all your hard work.”
“Awesome!” He dashes up beside Pen, looking all cute. And I can see Penny smiling, just a little. I’m glad to see her happy.
I put Jeremy's letter in my pocket. It's going right on the fridge the second we get to mine and Baz’s new place. Baz takes my hand in his, weaving our fingers together. He smiles, looking at me from the corner of his eye. I feel like I could fly on the power of love alone right now.
God, I truly have an amazing life.
———————————————
Awwww stupidly in love, just how I like it. Tbh I started writing this before Wayward So came out, and after I decided I wanted to deal with their communication issues like in the book but resolve them. I'm not throwing shade, just stating an opinion, plz don't kill me lol. But I do hope you all liked it! I never planned on writing a sequel but sometimes shit works out like that. I do have another idea for a short one shot but don't hold me to that, life is pretty nuts rn and I don't have a lot of free time, hence why this took me so long. Anyway, have a good day/night y'all!
#carry on#wayward son#snowbaz#simon snow#baz pitch#penelope bunce#shepard#lamb#established relationship#angst with a happy ending#jealous simon#communication failure#mysnowbazfic
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only one perspective is reflected in my eyes || minami || trial mm.8 || re: futility
The conclusion was foregone. What Minami doesn't expect is the strings.
She opens her mouth to snap at Alou-- what, just because she was nicer to Micah doesn't mean she forgot her anger with the person behind this-- and stops. It's not his voice that gives her pause. Minami has long since forgotten what the stern voices of her disapproving parents sounded like, or what her insufferable boss sounded like when he was condescending to her. Thank the head trauma. No one has ever known what's better for her than she has, and her numerous mistakes wouldn't convince her otherwise, especially not coming from him.
No, it's the voice she hears as a string drifts past her, which she hasn't heard in nearly a decade. If she was happy to forget those other voices, this one she has been desperately clinging onto the memory of. The reminder of it leaves her shoulders hunched, claws balled into fists--
Mimi, always so heroic. My knight in shining armor, protecting me from puddles.
Mimi, you worry too much. You can't protect me all the time, you know?
She exhales shakily. In a way, the reminder might be the only good thing to come out of this trial. That doesn't mean she wants it to go on, though. Her attention is drawn from whatever state she's in by Alou speaking again, and she--
Reaches forward, gripping the nearest string in her clawed fists, and snaps it in half angrily.
"Man, shut the fuck up."
Her voice rolls like there's more than just the one of her speaking, booming across the room. For all she'd struggled to use the ability she'd developed upon death, she doesn't mind it making itself known now.
"Quit talkin' like we're some dumbass baby lambs that need to be shepherded to what's best for them. I'm older than you, you little bitch."
(Well, unless he's secretly like a hundred. She sure feels more mature, at least.)
Almost unconsciously, her posture loosens as she drops the two halves of the string. She rolls her shoulders back, exhaling before stretching a hand out to point at him.
Sure, maybe she was worrying too much, or throwing her weight around where it didn't belong. She can't stand to see Poppy, who had so deeply reminded her of her own child (despite being quite a bit older), reduced to this state, though. She had worried that Alou wasn't doing them any favors, and he had talked her into being reassured-- but it wasn't like she hadn't basically given him a shovel talk. Might as well make good on it.
"And you'd better not talk to them like you did them some fuckin' favor. You'd been a manipulative little shit this entire time, like I said. Actually, you'd better back the fuck off, or I really am gonna do what friends are for and come over there and beat your ass. Same goes for if you pull any but it was all for your benefit bullshit with any of these other people who trusted you. Don't bother sayin' it wouldn't work or whatever. I'll do it."
...Well, she has the spirit to do it, at least. In lieu of actually swinging at Alou, though, she reaches out to gather more strings into her hand.
Does she fall into that category, though? People who trusted you? ...Probably not exactly. She doesn't think she ever understood Alou well enough to trust him. Maybe it's a blessing. Her bullheaded nature was so at-odds with his vague and metaphorical one that she doesn't think she could have fully put her faith in him the way others did. Sure, she liked him, though. You could like someone without trusting them.
In a way, it's nice that she feels so angry that she can't exactly feel hurt. They're one and the same, but as always... it's easier than grief, isn't it? In this case, she's happy for it. She'd rather not mourn Alou, not in the same way she was mourning Micah.
With a quick motion, the strings snap in her hands, and Minami relaxes from her fury. She even smiles, though there's clearly still anger rolling under the surface. At least she sounds more like she usually does when talking to Alou.
"So... what was the point of askin' to be friends, anyway? Did you wanna keep that up, or was it just for funsies? ...Ehhhh, this ain't an important question. Well, maybe it is. I'm just curious."
Her real question was simple enough.
"Even if you didn't spend as much time with me as you wanted, or whatever-- thanks, by the way, I guess? I know I'm a hot fuckin' commodity-- I'm sure you know me well enough to know I ain't buyin' shit fuck about what you're sayin', right? Suffering? The only one who should have to suffer for my loved ones to be happy is me. You've already lost me trappin' just this group."
Of course, all along, she'd maintained that she deserved to be here more than anyone else. ...And of course, now she was trying to bust out, but the point still stands.
"So? Is that what you wanted? To run the world how you wanted? Was that your wish? And say it straightforward. Obviously."
Another string whispers at her, and she twists it around her fist. It stays there for now.
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A Thrill I’ve Never Known (Chapter 53)
Ball and Chain
Arthur and reader discuss their situation. Thank you guys for all the support on the last chapter after I expressed my worries about it, btw!!
Tagging @emily-strange ❤
(All chapters tagged with #ATINK and also posted on Ao3, username PorkChop)
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During Arthur's brief return, we hadn't had time to discuss how things had gone with Penelope and Beau (despite his busted lip that I was quick to ask about), Arthur had left for Annesburg as soon as I told him what Micah said. But when he got back that night, he filled me in on the details of the day. I was shocked to hear that simply accompanying Penelope to the train station had turned into Arthur shooting Christ knows how many members of the Braithwaite family from a moving train, but in the end Penelope and Beau got their happy ending. He left them with the stagecoach driver, taking them away to their new life together with a bag-full of stolen jewellery. A piece of which Penelope had given to Arthur as thanks for all of the help, a beautiful stone encrusted bracelet, probably worth a hefty sum. Arthur told me he intended to sell it, keep the money just for us, not giving the camp a cut for once in his life. I could tell it took a lot for him to come to that decision.
And Cornwall was dead. He told me that after a long pause when we were both bedding down for the night. Part of me was surprised that he hadn't told me that as soon as he returned, but the way he said it told me that he hadn't exactly been prepared for it happening. He told me that Dutch had said they were paying a social call, confirming what Micah had said about trying to cut a deal to get him off our backs. But it had turned into a bloodbath, just as most jobs did these days, and Dutch had shot Cornwall, point-blank. They were swarmed with Pinkertons and they had to shoot their way out of Annesburg, barely escaping.
"And Micah thinks there's a rat," he said after relaying the gory details. He huffed an incredulous laugh.
"In the gang? He reckons one of us is squealing?"
"Mmhm, thinks the Pinkertons have been showing up too fast for it to be a coincidence," he sighed. I blinked up at the top of the tent. I thought about all the gang members, picturing each person's face, unable to make any sort of guess as to whether Micah's claims could be true. I just didn't see any of them talking. "He says we should start cutting folk loose, go back to Blackwater and get the money stashed there, and get out of here."
"Who's he wanna cut loose, exactly?" I frowned.
"Well, he was speaking to Dutch at the time. I got the distinct impression that by 'we', he meant him and Dutch," he murmured monotonously and deeply. "Sod the rest of us."
"He's… he really kisses Dutch's ass, don't he? It's almost uncomfortable," I whispered.
"Mm, seems everyone sees it but Dutch himself. Micah's a creep, through and through."
"I'm embarrassed I ever gave him a chance. At the start, when we worked together a few times, I kept thinking he had potential to be a decent feller," I mumbled, shaking my head.
"Don't be embarrassed. You hadn't seen the full spectrum of his charming personality just yet," he snorted. "I think we all wanted to give him a chance at the start. Thought he was just a bit of an odd feller, not very nice. But we never warmed to him, not with all his behaviour."
"How can he come in and accuse someone else of being a rat? My understanding is he's one of the newest folks, apart from me or Sadie," I said then I frowned, swallowing. "Or Kieran."
Arthur read my mind. "Kieran ain't the rat. Least I don't think so."
"You know that's who Micah will pick on, though. He was with the O'Driscolls," I whispered, rolling over onto my side and peering over the edge of the bed to look at Arthur where he was lying on the floor.
"His name did come up," he sighed. "And would you believe it, Dutch was even thinking about John when we was in Guarma."
"John? He thought John was a rat?" I balked.
"Yeah, I know," he murmured monotonously, shaking his head. "But I don't believe it's either of them. I don't believe we've got a rat full stop. We've just been sloppy, we ain't exactly been subtle. 'Specially not by blowing a hole in Leviticus Cornwall's chest, when we're camping not five minutes away!" He shook his head irritably.
"Jesus," I hissed, screwing my face up.
"Dutch is losing it. Or he already has, completely. I don't know," he whispered sharply.
"What's he supposing we do?"
"Wants to make a bunch of smoke, create a big enough distraction for us lot to piss off out of the state, maybe even the country, that's what he's supposin'," he told me, humour building in his throat.
"Or do increasingly reckless bullshit until every one of us is lying in an unmarked grave and every Pinkerton on the case gets a medal," I proposed, and Arthur hummed his agreement. "Christ, Arthur, we can't do this. We can't go along with him. None of us, what if we start asking folk… seeing who'd be prepared to leave with us?" I suddenly asked, the words splurging from me without thought. His eyes widened a bit and he looked me in the eye in the dim light shining through the tent from the campfire.
"You're really suggesting that we try and divide the gang, try and leave Dutch high and dry?" He sputtered. My heart thudded. Shit. I'd gone too far.
"No. Never mind," I rolled back onto the bed, staring up above.
"Wait, I ain't mad. Sorry, that came out different to how I meant," he shifted, sitting up and leaning his elbows on the bed. "I just– I couldn't. I ain't a leader, princess. I can't be what Dutch was to me."
"You wouldn't want to be what Dutch was to you," I replied instantly. His brow furrowed. "I don't doubt he was good to you over the years, provided you with a purpose and taught you all you needed to know to get by in this life. But that don't change the fact that lately all he's been doing is treating you like a grunt! You won't ever be like Dutch. And that's a good thing."
Arthur was stunned by my words and I immediately began to feel anxious. I really was pushing my luck. If I wasn't careful I'd end up saying something that hurt him, and that's the last thing I wanted. I might've already done it.
"I'm sorry. I'm just getting nervous. Hell, not even just getting there, I'm extremely nervous. I'm petrified that Dutch is gonna have one of his crazy moments again and you're gonna get hurt because of it, I'd never forgive him if something happened to you 'cause of his recklessness," I continued.
"I won't let that happen."
"I wish I could be reassured by that. But you ain't always in control of what happens, you can't say that."
Arthur sighed, looking down.
"I… I know I ain't in control. I know I can't promise you anything. I'm just trying to– to spin too many plates at once but at this point I don't know how to stop. It ain't that easy," he whispered, and he sounded defeated. I instantly felt guilty. "I don't want to make excuses, and I don't wanna let you down."
"You've never let me down. Don't worry about that," I shook my head and sat up on my elbow, looking at him properly.
"My head's been all over the place. So much has– I still ain't wrapped my head 'round what's happened these past weeks, I can barely think straight half the time and I just can't figure out what to do," he sighed, dragging his hand over his face. My lips parted and I stared at him. "Guarma; that bank job, everything went so fast and I never had a chance to stop and think and now we've moved again, and Dutch is on about making noise and leaving the country, and I– I don't like any of this. I don't like what he's doing but I wrack my brains and I just can't think of a goddamn thing to say to him to make him see sense!"
"Arthur, I'm sorry, I keep putting pressure on you," I breathed, shaking my head.
Arthur gestured towards my leg. "And this is the second time you could've been killed just 'cause I can't be a damn man and do right by you. And– and I know this and yet I still can't–" he stopped, sitting back, resting his elbows on his knees and hanging his head. "This is the same shit Mary left me for."
"I ain't leaving you. I ain't Mary," I hissed. If I sounded angry, I didn't mean to.
"I know you're not, princess, you ain't nothing like her. Nothing like her at all, I'm sorry, I just meant that it weren't good enough for her so why on earth should it be good enough for you?"
"Arthur, I don't know what you want me to say," I shook my head. "You're telling me that your hesitance to get out is gonna make me leave you or something, but then you say you can't get out. Every time we talk about this it goes nowhere, and we're just gonna keep going 'round and around in circles. I just want you to think about if it's what you actually want," I kept my voice as level as possible.
"Of course I want it," he told me, brows curving upwards. "Wouldn't be saying it if I didn't."
"I know you worry about the gang. But look at them, they're a whole group of adults, and they're all following Dutch. Nobody is expecting you to make sure they're all okay, that ain't your responsibility,” I told him, thinking about what Charles had said.
"I know," he said, his tone a bit sharp and irritated, not at me, but at the situation. Like he didn't want to admit that it was true.
"Does that bother you? That you ain't responsible?" I asked, my brows quirking in surprise.
"No! You know why I can't leave, and I know you’re scared… But I am too. Truth be told I'm scared for if I stay and I'm scared for if I leave."
"If you leave?" I repeated, not exactly expecting that.
"Yes. What if I can't do it?" He hissed, and I could simply frown in response. "What if I end up messing up and going back to my old ways and letting you down? Hosea once left. He and Bessie, the woman he loved with all his heart, they went off on their own and he ended up coming back because he was too set in his ways."
"Really?" I asked, mouth agape. I must’ve looked so dumb.
”What if I'm like that? What if I can't give you everything you need?" He continued, moving closer to the bed and leaning close to me, taking one of my hands in both of his. "I want you. I want to go, I do. But in the back of my mind all I can think about is ruining both of our lives if I don't act right. I spent a lot of years being this way. What if I can't change? Mary wanted me to– I never could for her. What if I–"
I frowned in a different way at the mention of Mary again, a little annoyed. "I don't want you to change, like she did," I told him more sharply than necessary. I softened when he seemed to realise his error. "I ain't expecting you to all of a sudden go out and get yourself a fancy job somewhere, get us a big house with lots of neighbours and a dog and all this normal stuff. I don't want any of that. Well, I wouldn't mind having a dog…"
"You can have all the dogs you want," he breathed a laugh.
"Arthur, I'll be honest; if we have to… live in the grey areas of the law to get by, then, well, as long as we ain't doing nothing too big or loud, how's it different to the way I've always lived?" I admitted, shrugging softly. "You know I weren't always lawful when I was on my own. Don't change, Arthur. Just do what you have to do and always come home to me as the man I fell in love with."
"You mean that? You wouldn't be upset if I– if I can't settle into a normal life that easy?"
"Of course I wouldn't. Arthur, I'll probably struggle too. I don't mind waiting for it, neither. Just don't make me wait too long, till it can't happen no more," I whispered to him. "That's all I ask."
He pressed his forehead to my arm gently. “What worries me is you keep on reassuring me like this but nothing ever changes. I just can’t go yet, and I want you to really understand why so you won't start thinking I’m always putting you last and you ain’t important.”
"I'm trying to understand. Tell me what's going on in your head," I pleaded, stroking his hair.
"I will try my best. My head ain't exactly easy to figure out right now. Usually when I'm with you I can forget most of the shit going on and I'm happy, and I can't wait to get out with you," he spoke slowly and monotonously, as if he really had to try to word it right. "But then I go out on a job and it brings me right back down to earth, I get pulled back in the other direction, reminded of how many years I sunk into this gang and I can't just leave, not without making things right. Or at least trying to. And I owe that to you, too," he lifted his head and met my eyes.
"To me? Why?" I frowned.
"I ain't done much good in my life. I don't like who I am, who I have been, how can I give you everything you deserve if I can't even redeem myself and do one good thing before this gang crumbles to dust?" His response caught me off guard. "I told you before I'm scared, and this is all part of that. If I can't show you that I can do right by these people I been loyal to for years, then what would my loyalty to you even mean? I'm scared that even if I say fuck it to everything and just run off with you, leaving all this behind, I ain't gonna be doing you a service. 'Cause all I'd be showing you is I ain't deserving of your trust."
And suddenly, despite the fact that I didn't want to accept it, I understood.
Arthur needed this, not just because he cared for these people, but because he had to see it through for himself. He had to prove to himself that he could deserve the out our relationship had given him. He did deserve it, of course he did, but nothing I could say would convince him until he'd proved it to himself. And that's what getting John and his family and the others out would do, prove to him that he was good. At least, good enough to deserve something better than the pain and struggle his life up until that point had given him.
And if Arthur was important to me and I genuinely wanted him to be happy; I had to let him do it.
"Okay," I whispered. "I get it, I do."
"Yeah?" He breathed. "You ain't just saying that to be kind to me?"
"No, I understand. I'm scared, but I know that you need this. I ain't gonna be the one to hold you back," I told him, flipping my hand to interlace our fingers.
"Angel, I don't want to let you down. You're my world, you know that, don't you? I gotta do this so I can be the best I can for you. I won't be able to do that if I live with regrets, about the things I failed to do," he said, kissing the back of my hand.
"I trust you. I really do. If you gotta do this and you promise me you'll draw lines where you have to, and you ain't gonna let Dutch use you like your life don't even matter," I squeaked, shaking my head, "then I won't put no more pressure on you. I'll be patient."
"I'll look out for myself," he nodded, "I got more reason than I ever really have to keep myself safe."
That was a little painful to hear. I reached my free hand out to cup his cheek. "I love you," I told him.
"And I'm real lucky you do. I don't know of many women who'd put up with me being like this," he exhaled a sheepish laugh, shaking his head.
"I guess that's lucky for me," I smirked a little and he chuckled.
"I love you too, my darlin', don't forget that you're what's pushing me to be better."
"Just… let's not have this conversation again until it's the right time to go. It feels like we've had it a million times and it ain't ever ended in us packing our bags– well. It did once, but things were different then," I said, remembering when our plans felt solid, when the gang was going to flee and be safe and Arthur and I were going to leave together. Before the bank. Before Guarma. "What I'm saying is, I don't want to go around in circles again. Next time we talk about this, it's gonna end in us leaving, okay?"
"Alright, beautiful. I'll… I'll start working on Dutch. If somehow I can convince him to use all that money we been saving to clear off for good," he trailed off, shaking his head. "I don't know how long it'll take."
"It'll take as long as it takes," I shook my head and smiled at him, brushing my thumb across his cheek bone. Then I kissed him, holding him close and tender like the treasure he was.
-
A man I hadn't seen before walked into camp, guided by Charles, as well as Karen and Javier who had both been on guard duty. His hair was long and though I didn't know for sure, I wondered if it was one of the people from the Wapiti reservation that Charles and Arthur had been helping. My guess was solidified when Arthur – who was speaking with Dutch at the time – appeared to know him, and introduced them. They all spoke for a while, and my position across the other side of the camp meant I didn't hear a word. I was surprised that he'd come to our camp, and I wondered what had happened to make him do so.
Eventually Dutch made the first step towards the horses, and the man immediately followed. Charles and Arthur seemed reluctant to follow too, but they did. I frowned and sat upright, swinging my legs over the edge of the bed, very gingerly lowering them to the ground so I could watch as they all mounted up and rode away from camp.
I glanced around, wondering if anyone around had heard what their conversation was all about, or what they were heading out to do. A sickly sense of anxiety settled like a boulder in my stomach once again and I began to panic that I could never, ever watch Arthur leave camp again without feeling complete dread. I'd come close to losing him too many times and now I'd been trained to expect the worst.
With a groan I pushed myself to my feet, grabbing the cane that Arthur had fashioned out of a big stick he'd found so that I could start moving around. I could walk okay, I just had to move carefully as to not tug on the delicate, healing skin around my knee, the cane was there to keep my balance. I walked my way over to the stew pot, figuring that eating something might settle me a bit, I hadn't eaten anything since breakfast and even then I'd just had some biscuits.
I served myself up a bowl of stew and hobbled my way over to the campfire, sitting down on one of the storage crates and dropping my cane down on the ground beside me. I tucked into my food, relieved to have a warm meal to pull my focus to. I saw Mary-Beth getting herself some food too, and she started heading towards me, sitting down on a nearby log.
"It's good to see you up and about," she commented.
"Yeah, I couldn't stay flat on my back forever, my leg ain't really hurting no more. Miss Grimshaw said as long as I'm careful with it, it'll do me good to be more mobile," I replied, nodding before blowing on a steaming forkful of meat and vegetables and popping it into my mouth.
"That's good, it can't be nice when you're always so eager to keep yourself busy," she laughed a little, and I met her eyes.
"Thanks for the books, by the way. I finished the one with the field of lavender, the French woman," I murmured, looking towards the tent as if I could see the book and read the title from there.
"The Castle in the Field of Lavender," Mary-Beth nodded. "Complete nonsense, isn't it? But I love it nonetheless," she giggled.
"I can certainly agree that it's nonsense," I chuckled, "but it provided a much needed distraction. I liked it," I grinned.
"How're you feeling?" She asked.
"I'm– I'm okay. Yeah, been a tough time lately, ain't it? But I'm sure things will start looking up now we're in a new camp, we're all together," I said with a nod.
"You think so?" She questioned, a frank look of doubt on her face.
"You don't think so?" I countered.
"I don't really know what to think," she exclaimed, shaking her head regretfully.
"No, I guess I don't either," I sighed, stirring through my stew.
"All I know is I hate it here, this place gives me the creeps," she made a show of shuddering, then took a bite of food, swallowing before continuing, "worse than the swamp."
"We're safe. All these people here, looking out for each other, it might be creepy here but nothing's gonna happen," I tried to reassure her, and she nodded. "Do you know what all that was about; with that feller who came to camp just now?"
"Karen said his name was Eagle Flies," she said, and I nodded in recognition, "something about some horses being stolen. I figured the boys went to help get them back."
"Stolen horses," I mused thoughtfully, "doesn't sound like something Dutch would be too concerned about with all that's going on," I pondered.
"Hmm, now you mention it," she nodded slowly, "well, I don't know. Maybe there's money to be made, I don't see why Dutch would risk everything if it weren't worth it. Not with the Pinkertons turning up all the time."
I was quiet for a moment, eating my food and considering my next words. When I settled on them, I glanced around before leaning forwards a bit.
"Uh, Mary-Beth," I said under my breath, and she caught my tone and scooted closer to me, her eyes widening with a cute kind of intrigue at the secrecy. "Do you think that… that Dutch maybe ain't been using the best judgement as of late?"
"What d'you mean?" She asked, her eyes narrowed and her head shaking in confusion.
"Well," I began, my tone light and careful, "he trusted Bronte with that trolley station tip, when that was a set up he killed him and then expected everything to be okay when he went and robbed the bank? I don't know, I thought he was meant to be real smart."
"Oh, I don't know what to say. I never really thought about it that way before," she sighed softly, frowning to herself.
"You haven't? Perhaps it's just me being paranoid, then," I dismissed, lessening my conviction, trying to brush it off as a passing thought. I didn't want anything blown out of proportion.
"No, I don't think so. Perhaps you're right. When you put it like that, it don't sound all that smart, why'd you think he'd take those risks without thinking of the consequences?" She questioned.
"Well, that's it. I don't know. That's why I wanted to ask you, you've been here much longer, I just wondered if you'd noticed a change or if he's always been like this," I shrugged.
"No, he hasn't. The gang has changed a lot in the last few months, doing things that we wouldn't ordinarily do. I put it down to heavier pressure from all of our enemies but sometimes I wonder if we're going too far, truth be told. As soon as Jack got dragged into our problems, I stopped feeling safe," she admitted to me, her voice tiny and barely audible. "But I never blamed anyone in particular for it, 'specially not Dutch."
I shook my head. "I ain't suggesting that you should. I'm just thinking out loud. I'm pretty scared."
"You're scared? Even with Arthur looking out for you?" Her brows raised softly and with concern.
"It's… it's Arthur I'm scared for. I'm a woman. I ain't really had to deal with the things he has in this gang, nobody's forcing me to go out and shoot Pinkertons and rob banks! I've only gotta worry about my safety when they find our camp. But he–" I stopped, shaking my head and sighing. "Every time he goes out since Guarma, I feel sick."
"Oh, I see…" she said solemnly, looking down. "And I guess you're worried, what with Dutch's recent ideas, that Arthur's gonna get hurt because of him."
"I am," I nodded.
Mary-Beth pressed her lips together and tilted her head, considering her response carefully. "Dutch has always been something of a father to folks. Some more than others. But Arthur has been with him the longest, you know that. I don't think Dutch would let any harm come to him, not on purpose."
"Mm," I made a quiet sound, finishing off my food to avoid responding. I didn't believe her. Not that she was lying, she wouldn't be remiss for thinking that way. But ever since he was captured by the O'Driscolls, I really struggled to fall into such naive, blind trust of Dutch Van Der Linde.
"Have you thought about leaving?" She asked, her tone high pitched and girlish and curious, like the question was more insignificant than it actually was. "Seriously, I mean. Not just a spur of the moment thing, like what Arthur was saying when your leg got burned," she clarified, and I was reminded of all the people who'd heard that conversation.
Even so, I struggled to form a response.
"I have," I finally answered, emphasising the 'I' to avoid incriminating Arthur. I wanted only to speak for myself.
"Between me and you… so have I," she replied, shocking me. I gazed at her with wide eyes as she stared into the fire. "When I found out Molly had gone, I started wondering if the gang would fall apart, then I panicked, thinking about what I'd do if it did. Sometimes I think I should jump ship before I go down with it," she revealed, and her words rang in my ears with such clarity I wanted to capture the moment and show it to Arthur, because it made such sense the way she said it. But I'd promised him I wouldn't put pressure on him to get out while he felt his work was not yet done.
"I understand," I nodded. "And I wouldn't judge you if you did. Not even a little," I whispered.
"Really?" She met my eyes.
"Same reason I didn't judge Molly. I think if someone knows they can find happiness elsewhere, they should seek it without judgement. Especially with how things are right now, we're all scared for our lives."
"I spoke to Kieran about it," she told me. "I don't know how he feels about it but I… I like him. A great deal. Sometimes I daydream about how life could be, and it makes me happier than I ever am when I'm living outside of my head, in the real world. Do you know what I mean?"
"More than I care to admit," I nodded.
"Kieran and I have some… shared feelings, I s'pose you'd say. But we don't make a spectacle of it, we're very discreet," she said, and I smiled a little, seeing myself in her. She thought she was telling me something I didn't know, when everyone was aware at least on some level that something had blossomed between the two. Just like Arthur and me in the beginning. I didn't burst her bubble though.
"Are you, uh, officially involved? Like, say, me and Arthur?"
"Don't make me kiss and tell," she giggled, a grin spreading across her face.
"So you've kissed him?" I grinned, teasing her.
"I might have," she answered coquettishly, lifting a shoulder and peering over it at me.
"Considering the kind of novels you read and the way you spoke to me about Arthur, I would've thought you'd be more chatty about such a thing!"
"Well, it's different when it's yourself, ain't it?"
"Now you see why I was so embarrassed," I chuckled, shaking my head. "Don't worry, I'll have mercy on you."
"I appreciate it," she laughed, "anyway, I didn't bring him up to gush about it… I was just saying, if I had my way, if my dreams could come true, he and I would leave together, and we'd puzzle together as normal a life as we could," she sighed.
"That's a sentiment I certainly share," I nodded. "Well, good luck to you, Mary-Beth."
"And to you," she returned, wearing a warm smile and rosy cheeks. "Let me take your bowl," she offered, getting up to wash her own.
"Thank you," I said as I handed it over, and watched as she left. I glanced at the fire for a while, watching the glowing embers rising. It never had the same impact in the daylight as it did at night time, always felt different.
I reached into the top of my shirt, retrieving the locket that hadn't left my neck since it was put there. I held it away as far as the chain would allow and popped it open, looking at the crudely cut out little photograph of Arthur, wondering what he was doing right that moment. I prayed the situation with the horses was a simple problem to resolve, and he would return to me so that I could see him sit down by this very fire with a warm bowl of stew, allowing himself the small luxuries that I was able to have.
But I didn't see him for a while after he left. After getting back the horses for the Wapiti people, Dutch and Charles had returned without him after nightfall. I was told that he was camping out somewhere away from the main camp, he had to meet with Bill and Micah in the morning for another job and he had someone to see in Annesburg, but there were no more details than that. I was disappointed, of course. It wasn't out of the ordinary for Arthur to spend many nights away from camp, the only reason he spent most nights in camp now was because of me, he told me he preferred getting to bed down with me over being out in the middle of nowhere. But I had to remind myself that he had important things to do and he wouldn't stay away just for the sake of it, I needed to hush down my selfishness and allow him to do what he needed to do. It was a theme cropping up all too often, and I had to battle myself on it. I would not become his ball and chain.
#rdr2#red dead redemption 2#arthur morgan#fanfiction#arthur morgan x reader#atink#arthur morgan x female reader#reader insert#rdr2 fanfic
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Shadow
Character: Galileo Galilei (OC), part 5
Warnings: N/A
Word Count: 1199
~~~~~
Anytime I had time to spare, I was at Galileo’s side. I always offered to help him. Since I saw him playing chess one day with Isaac one day, I started asking him to play with me. He was usually happy to take me up on my offer.
It was during one of these chess matches that he called me out on my new habit. He sat in the cushioned chair opposite me with his legs crossed and rested his jaw on his fist. “I’ve been curious about something for a while now.” I looked up from the board, my train of thought broken. He wasn’t usually the one to start up a conversation with me. He took my silence and attention as his cue to continue. “Why is it that you’ve been following me around like a lost puppy?”
“I haven’t--” I wanted to deny it, but I knew I couldn’t. How long had it been since he caught on? “Would you rather I didn’t?”
“I don’t dislike your company. I just find your behavior to be most curious. Women don’t usually stay near me purely for the joy of casual conversation. Yet you’ve exhibited none of the same behaviors as those women.”
I sat up and thought about what he said. Was he saying that women only stayed near him for… Well, I wasn’t exactly sure of what, but I did have an idea. It wasn’t a pleasant one. “If I’m interpreting that right, and I’m pretty sure I am. You’re saying that they want to be around you for more, er, intimate reasons?”
~~~~~
“That’s partially correct. Unlike Arthur, I’m not in the habit of sleeping with women I meet at the pub. They rather enjoy my teasing, though.”
I wasn’t exactly sure why, but his explanation gave me some relief. It’s not like it was my business what he did in his free time. “You really shouldn’t get their hopes up. You’ll give them the wrong idea.”
“I’m aware. That’s why I go with Arthur or Theo. Arthur scoops them up for himself, and Theo drives them away.” He chuckled, likely remembering the times when those events occurred. “You still haven’t answered my question.”
I shifted uncomfortably. It was true that Arthur wanted me to do this, but I didn’t want to tell him that. I did, however, have my own reasons for doing it. “Do you remember the day that I woke you up?” He nodded. “You got upset about something that afternoon. I won’t ask you what it was about since it seems to be a sensitive subject, but I do know that you were in pain. At first I thought that it would be best to give you some space, but someone told me that I should instead stay near you. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that they were right. I know how it feels to be alone with your thoughts, especially the bad ones. I hoped I could give you some relief from that loneliness, though I’m not sure if I accomplished it.”
He stared at me with the faintest hint of red tinting his cheeks. He suddenly pushed himself to his feet. “Come with me. I want to show you something.”
“What about the game?”
He smirked. “If we continue, then I would win in five turns. You’re easier to read than you think. Do yourself a favor and never play poker.” Galileo walked off, not waiting to see if I would follow. I rose and quickly followed after him.
The dark-haired man in front of me stopped in front of a familiar door. It was his room. He’d never invited me inside before, but I did come in to change his sheets and tend to his laundry.
He walked in without hesitation then glanced around. “Where are you? Ah! Were you trying to camouflage yourself? Your stripes make you stand out, you know.” On his bed was a small, furry creature I’d never seen before. It’s dark stripes had indeed made it stand out from the grey blanket. Galileo picked the animal up and held it to his chest affectionately for a moment before turning to me.
“This is Callisto. Isn’t she lovely?” His eyes showed his complete adoration for the grey tabby kitten.
It was so cute that he’d named her after one of the moons he discovered! “She’s really pretty. May I pet her?”
“Go ahead. She’s very gentle.” He stepped forward and held her out a bit, encouraging me.
I reached my hand out and combed my fingers through the fur on her back. “Wow, she’s so soft! How old is she?”
“I’m not sure, but she can’t be older than a few months. I found her in a side alley a couple weeks before you got here.”
“Meow!” The kitten climbed up Galileo’s coat and perched herself on his shoulder.
“Your favorite spot, huh? Forgive me for not letting you up immediately, your highness.” He chuckled and rubbed Callisto’s neck. She returned his affections by nuzzling the spot just below his ear. I’d never seen such a smile on his face. “I know, I love you too.”
Galileo returned his attention to me. “Callisto is the reason that I’m never really alone. She’s a very soothing companion.”
So she was an emotional support animal for him? I hadn’t realized that the concept existed during this time period. Then again, I wasn’t exactly an expert on the subject. It was possible that people had been putting the idea into practice for centuries. “I’m happy to hear that. How come I’ve never seen her before?”
He glanced up at the kitten. “She was probably playing with Lumière. They get into all sorts of mischief together.”
“Who’s Lumière? Is that another another resident’s pet?”
“Mm. Leonardo’s cat. It’s not surprising that you haven’t seen it. I’m sure it gets lost in Leonardo’s room. It amazes me that he hasn’t gotten lost in there.”
I giggled at his comment. Having been in Leonardo’s room before, I could confirm that it wasn’t the easiest to navigate through. “Galileo?”
“Yes?”
“I know that you’re close with Arthur and that you have Callisto to keep you company, but I want you to know something. You can count on me too. If you ever need someone to listen to you or someone to talk to or even just someone to be near, then I will be there for you.”
His eyes were wide with surprise. “You…” The astronomer cleared his throat and regain his composure. “If you’re sure you won’t regret it, then I will make the same offer to you.” His eyes shone with uncertainty, but I could tell that he was being sincere.
I smiled. “That’s very sweet of you, Galileo. Thank you.”
The faint blush from earlier returned to his cheeks. “It’s nothing you need to thank me for.”
“I want to show my appreciation. Don’t be stubborn,” I teased. From what he’d told me and what I’d experienced, I found it doubtful that he’d ever made such an offer before. I was glad that he seemed to be ready to put some trust in me.
~~~~~
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