New therapist appt was the other day and I've been chewing on it ever since.

There's something about the way therapists interact with my existing/suspected diagnoses that always feels really telling and like.

I could just read the "I think you self-sabotage all your relationships" pouring off this woman the entire hour.

I....don't.

I mean. A lot of people do, it's a really normal aspect of like. 60% of mental health issues.

But that's really never been my problem. My problem is that the relationships I have are extremely limited. I could count a lifetime's worth of emotionally intimate relationships on my fingers. I also have a lot of people in my life that I know and interact with positively and care about without being at all close to! But everyone else I basically never even got around to learning their names. My relationships are actually.....shockingly stable? Most of the people I'm close to I met before leaving my undergrad program (high school/college) and there's been very little change to my social circle since then.

So like. While I get the importance of helping with this when it happens (everyone deserves a stable support system!) it is genuinely pretty unhelpful to me specifically to be treated as if that is my primary symptom needing attention. Especially on the basis of an initial session where I'm basically just rattling off my on-paper history with some more detail than the intake forms had.

I actually know how to have healthy and positive relationships and the relationships that I have in my life at this time are ones that have BEEN that consistently for me for a decade or more. What I *do* need ongoing support for is the obsessions/compulsions I've been avoiding working on for the last 10 yrs because out of everything they were the least likely to end up killing me. I need someone to assess for the possibility of ADHD. I need someone who can help me retether when my grounding/embodiment gets loose. And yeah. CBT/DBT has been helpful for that. But largely because it allows me to cope with extreme amounts of psychological stress/distress when my survival systems collapse. Not because I'm at risk of blowing up my relationships during a trigger episode. What's most helpful to me is having someone who can keep up with my own systems analysis well enough to be a genuinely useful sounding board. CBT/DBT can be a really effective vessel for that, but I've also had therapists whose primary modality was just being an anthropologist at me in a clinical setting and she was the best therapist I've ever had.

I dunno. It's just frustrating when mental health care professionals are so.....functionally off track? Like if you are focusing, as a provider, on symptoms I don't present with, while dismissing symptoms I *do* it makes me feel super not-confident in your ability to provide me adequate care. And it's like my own practice as a provider makes it that much less tolerable when my own providers are being obtuse about shit. I do actually know what I need and what my care should look like. I've been doing this longer than you, unless you're already more than 20 yrs deep into your career, so maybe take a beat to assume competence before trying to diagnose me with something no provider from my past has EVER thought I fit while suggesting my existing diagnoses, that took time and work and thought to settle on, should be overturned. The most insulting part is her KNOWING we have the same job and educational background when she made these assertions. So like. It's not even like she has an excuse for talking down to me the way she did.

"Has anyone ever talked to you about the neurological impact of early childhood trauma?"

Well maam, if the therapist who diagnosed me and took me through EIGHT GODDAMN YEARS of therapy didn't manage to cover enough of that ground, I *did* also spend 3 yrs working in the child welfare system and then took courses towards a trauma specialty certification during my masters so YEAH. SOMEONE TOLD ME.

"Sometimes we see lots of unrelated diagnoses when really it's all trauma"

Yeah, and sometimes children are born with neurological/mental health needs that predate any opportunjty for trauma and even make them more vulnerable TO that trauma when it arrives. So like maybe consider that it doesn't have to be one or the other. Maybe the other diagnoses are unrelated because they're fucking unrelated.

I wish I could say I feel satisfied with the way I advocated for myself in that session but I don't, as evidenced by the fact that I'm still rehashing the conversation 72 hours later.

I just. I don't know how I went in saying I have an existing PTSD and recent OCD diagnosis but I want to assess for the possibility of ADHD because of conversations with my wife (ADHD) and my most recent therapist (qualified LICSW) and somehow leave being told she wants to change my diagnosis to borderline on the basis of a single conversation and an introductory psych history.

It also feels super irresponsible to me given the social stigma and diagnostic stigma around BPD. Like. I have diagnosed BPD before, and you know what path I pretty much always follow? Adjustment D/o for the first 6 months of care during which we do comprehensive assessment work and some long term stabilization. Once that's in place I reassess for BPD based on symptoms I have directly observed or had reported to me. I have never suggested BPD to someone on a first appt because personality disorders are notoriously fiddly to diagnose and it would be irresponsible to try to do so without either the presence of acute and explicit symptoms or long term treatment relationships. If you're going to give a client a diagnosis that is so stigmatized within our field you better be damn sure before you ever include it on their chart. Otherwise you are setting them up for serious maltreatment within the system. And if one of your early conversations isn't then about how your client can and should advocate for themselves within the system under their new diagnosis (and the ways you plan to support them in that) you can go fuck yourself.

So yeah. I'm feeling.....anxious. about my new therapist to say the least. I'm going to keep seeing her for now. The practice itself comes highly recommended and has all the psych services I need rolled into one practice so it would be exceedingly frustrating to have to leave and I don't want to get a bad reputation by therapist hopping within the practice either. So I need to stick it out a while and see if I can make this workable. At least until end of Feb. If I get there and it still isn't working out I can let her know I'd like to go back on the waitlist for another provider. But man. It fucking sucks that she already seems to have decided on a narrative before even talking symptom occurrence patterns with me.

some of these are SUPER old, gomen, so it'll be all under the cut for yall sanity. i really need to start answering more timely rip

tw: mild implications of noncon (cerelos), psychological mindfucks (cerelos), mentions of pregnancy (dol)

Oh, I can wait for your content as long as it takes! Creating is not an easy task, so take your time, dear. Ofc, posting everyday is cool, blah-blah, but your health and mental state is much more important. Don't worry about this <3 And talking about DoL, did you get to Ivory Wraith already? Who is your faves generally? —anonymous

did i not answer this before??? tumblr, please. anyway, ye i did! plotwise, very very fascinating. gameplay wise, annoying as heck when i was in middle of things i was working towards to lol i do wish ivory wraith's plot wouldn't be centered around weird anal/ear/whatever pregnancy tho, thats…kinda not my thing kdshkds--and thats coming from someone who writes preg on the regular. pls dev.

Ahhhh don't feel bad! Ur content is top-tier and u r a lovely perfect bun! Even quick look on your post is enough to feel that you're always working hard to give your best – it's we who should be thankful for all food u r giving </3

A lot lot lot of love to ya, dear 🥰 @iwanthistongue

dawww thank you dear <3333 i just wish i have it in me to be the super productive like some of the epic writers on this platform, but i dont dsklhdsl so all i can do is to do my best and provide every so often <3 also sorry that i cant seem to ping you???

Omg you're into dol? Who's your favorite character so far? —anonymous

eden, tbh! i ran into a scenario where they kidnapped me angry after being gone for too long. oof, what happened after that…wheeoooow but most of the characters are pretty dang good too!! i'd like to focus more love on kylar but theyre quite...annoying gameplay wise so…augh lol

i crave more beastfolk content 🤤 maybe something with a male reader dealing with a few yandere beastfolk who are trying to one-up each other and compete for him? male!yandere x male!reader content is a bit hard to find, especially if it's transmale!reader —anonymous

just send in an ask and i'll see what i can do! i found writing male readers (be it cis or not!) a little tricky sometimes, because i always feared crossing that…bad line, yanno? in spite of the contents i write.

that said, i'm all for writing more gays, just need a little nudge and sparks to write one~

have you heard of scp 401? —anonymous

…huh, this is a pron in the making. but no! this is the first ive heard of it. im aware of scp and knew some of its characters but not this one!!

Happy bday! I hope you got yourself a nice treat! —anonymous Happy birthday, dear! 🥳—anonymous Happy (i guess)late birthday, luv!!! Thank you for writing at this special day, hope your day was amazing <3 —anonymous

ohhhh this is months late;;; im so sorry but thank you all so much for your kind bday wishes!! ily all a bunch!!!

OMG YESSSS LORE!!! MORE MORE MORE <333 Thank you for the food, I can't stop re-reading 😭😭😭 —anonymous

ye~i mainly wanted to do more centaur pron tbh LOL glad you liked my nasty bois!

For a few days I had a thought- I hope it's ok to share ahaha- Okay, so – after getting in his grasp his future bride were acting so, so good. Her dedication is admirable, she's a quick learner and charismatic enough to get the liking of the teachers and maids. Her gentle and caring nature shows while she's communicating with others – no surprise everyone likes her. She's the same she was the day he met her... But the thing is, after all of this, she's absolutely terrified of Cerelos. She's not crying and wailing, but she's getting so quiet, so uncomfortable in his company, she always hiding her eyes and never tries to speak first – and she trembles so, so bad every time they're touching! Last time she even fainted from all nerves. How he may act and how mad he would be that servants getting more smiles and laughs than him? —anonymous

hmmm depends on why the darling is frightened tbh are they always afraid or is this started after cerelos took them the first time? i do imagine he'd be pretty upset and even offended, though he won't outwardly show his feelings. he'd probably start ordering the servants to disappear whenever the darling is in sight, be invisible, to further isolate them, to force them either to face their loneliness and/or accept cerelos as their emperor and husband. since humans are in nature social, they'd naturally long for some form of company and possibly some skin to skin contact.

in short, since the coecrced sex doesn't seem to do enough, cerelos would've likely infict some psychological damages on his darling to force them to accept him. he wouldn't be…physically abusive, no, but he will emotionally and mentally cripple his darling without relying on cruel words and uses some amount of gaslighting.

regardless, you will only have him and you will love him. he is, after all, your emperor and husband. why wouldn't you embrace him and his power?

Hi! I hope this is okay to ask: I saw one of your slightly older asks, and you mentioned you have a draft with a slime monster. I'm very curious about that one (but I also love your writing in general!), so I just wanted to ask you if you plan on finishing it —anonymous

.....sdhdflsk i thought i posted it, gosh dang it. well, i'll look into this later. if nothing else, it would be nice to go back and post my shitty 5 minutes thoughts again.

Hello how are you ? Hope you are doing well ❣️ I wanted to ask if you will continue or write anything similar like the rabbit hybrid fic ..it's my fav and i also like the ghost husband fic ..sorry if i made u uncomfortable👉👈...Have a nice day💖 —anonymous

i'm doing better!! <3 ty for checking in, luvvv

and after some waffling around, i considered since human/beastfolk hybrids are so rare and are considered the 'monsters' of their world (ig basically, considered as 'mythical', like yeti's and such, but actually does exist, kind of monsters), i figured it couldn't hurt to make these sad hybrids canon to my universe soooooooo ye i wouldn't mind doing more of them!! also i've done a crocodile hybrid one, if you've missed that one.

no, no, you're good! <3 loves getting asks like this~

the momster is back!!! we missed you, hope you’re having a good day <333 (p.s i am a monster fucker through and through, i will literally read and love anything you write mwah) @letskidaddle

daww youre so sweet!!! <3 ty!! monster fuckers united!!!! and yes you have a lovely day as well!!

whewwww, thats some asks to get through hhhh but man tumblr is so ugly. anyone know the fix to get it back to its simple self??

anyway, im slowly getting into the swing of things. got couple wips i can work on, maybe, and clear the inboxs for a fresh start (sorry to anyone who were waiting on certain things!! you can send them again tho!! a clean slate is needed imo). anyway, hope yall are doing wonderfully <3

Hey, for some while I believe I have some form of DID and a few days ago felt like I had kinda contact with someone? It felt different than usual, less vage "is it contact or am I talking to myself"-ish.

And I feel kinda happy. Is it weird to hope I have DID? Because that would mean I didn't make it up for years and, believing you have such a major illness and then there's nothing, that's cringe.

And I feel it would validate my trauma. I have real issues validating it, also because of my memory gaps, but also in general. Probably naiv but I think, if I would have an undeniable trauma issue (not some "you are so sensitive and got PTSD from god knows where, but is is kinda your own fault") would validate me, in my own eyes.

And last, this is super weird but true, I am very good at caring for others and suck at caring for myself. So "care for your inner child" has had some good effects on me, but I think, really caring for others, when caring for myself, would change 100% how I live my life.

Everyone is like "Nobody wants such an illness" but I have CPTSD regardless so, idk, I kinda hope I didn't make it up. There's also a significant part in me, hoping I made it up, because that would mean major changes in my life that I am not happy about.

But I don't always hate the thought of it, and I feel guilty for that.

Hi anon,

It's normal as a survivor to want to have a support network, even internally, to balance the weight of the trauma, daily life, or whatever else. The saying goes that if you feel it would be beneficial to be a system, then you are likely a system, because singlets have no need to be plural. There is a sense of family within a system and it makes sense to want that sense of community within yourself.

Please also know that it's normal to find satisfaction in getting a diagnosis. Labels do help some people by providing a sense of comfort or relief in being able to name or confirm your experiences. Getting diagnosed with DID can offer an explanation for memory gaps, identity confusion, and other dissociative experiences. However, it's important to remember that a diagnosis is not necessary for validation and healing from trauma. You and your experiences are valid regardless of whether or not you're professionally diagnosed.

I also just want to say that you don't have to have DID for your trauma to be bad enough or valid enough. I think there is a common misconception that DID must be from "severe childhood trauma" but this is not the case. We have to remember that severity is subjective, and the age window for developing the disorder isn't as strict as commonly thought because we all develop differently.

It's important to remember not to compare yourself to pwDID and feel like their trauma is more valid than yours because they have the most severe form of PTSD. While some people may find it helpful to remember that there's always someone who "has it worse", that doesn't heal anyone. There is more healing to be found in considering that all trauma is equally valid.

It's okay to question whether or not you're a system, and it's okay if it turns out you're not a system. You don't deserve to judge yourself no matter the outcome. There is a lot of shame and stigma in the DID community, but please remember that exploring yourself is a perpetual effort and it's understandable to not have all the answers. You're just trying to make sense of what's going on in your mind and there's nothing wrong with that.

Please know you're not alone. I'm questioning myself and have the same thoughts as you. My therapist believes I have OSDD but explained that a diagnosis isn't necessary because it runs the risk of pathologization and it wouldn't change the treatment plan. So do consider that diagnosis may be avoided.

If you can access or afford it, a mental health professional such as a therapist can help you navigate your experiences, thoughts, and feelings surrounding both your trauma and seeking a diagnosis. A therapist, especially one who specializes in complex trauma or dissociative disorders, can help figure out if diagnostic evaluation is the best course of action for you.

If anyone would like to make a comment or suggestion, feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

Heya, I just saw a post of yours, basically saying that if you're around an autistic person, you're always losing? I'm autistic, and I don't think of people that way. I'm not hating on people for not knowing or treating me differently. They have no way of knowing, right? I don't want to be treated like I'm disabled, I just want people to understand that not everyone who is neurodivergent hates you for not knowing about or understanding autism. I just want to be treated like a human being, you know?

I mean, yeah, I can be weird, but I just want basic human decency. Not trying to come off as rude. I just thought I'd try to engage in a meaningful conversation 😊

Hi!

What I mean by that is:

When you are around autistic person,majority of society always judges you because you are the one without neurodivergent disability (in MY country autism is a LEGAL DISABILITY like blindness,or Down syndrome,or having no legs)

Again,in MY country of living autism is a legal disability and this means that legally autistic people are treated differently: for example,if they commit crimes,they are less likely to go to prison and more likely to go to the special medical care providing place because they are legally disabled in a neurological way.

Meaning: anything happens between a person WITHOUT disability (at least without mental illness or neurological disorders) and legally disabled person with autism…

The LEGALLY HEALTHY ONE is deemed responsible entire or more responsible no matter what,ESPECIALLY from the point in the society

Major every day examples are at school because in the country where I am ONLY in very,very,very complicated situations autistic kids attends special schools (in my previous country EVERY neurodivergent type had special schools and special classes,suited for autism or ADHD or AU-ADHD and it was FREE,so everyone liked it) BUT where I am now,it is still free but NOT FOR ALL only for very,very,very special cases…What unfortunately involve problems, legal problems with parents, on top of deep health issues in kids—so,majority of autistic kids are at normal schools which DO NOT accommodate them: oh,do you want to stim? That too damn bad,you are disturbing other kids,but because of social pressure it ends up with conflicts:

-Teacher,I can not concentrate,because All is clicking a clicker!

-Peter…(takes Peter out of class) All is autistic and you know this,there nothing I can do.

*Peter and a few other kids irritated with All,All can’t help himself,teacher is afraid to insult All’s parents,does nothing,kids fight,parents fight and in the end Peter is a cunt because he is not empathetic towards All)

It is not only about auric people,it is about all people with mental and or neurological or neurodivergent problems or conditions.

Because society sees autistic people and people on neurodivergent spectrum and or mental disorders like the ones who CAN NOT be replaced for themselves

Therefore,the blame goes on mentally healthy people who also have no neurological or neurodivergent conditions

Before I moved countries,autism also was a legal disability,but with accommodations from the government funded by taxes: special schools and private colleges, not a lot,but certainly more than none where I am now,also social workers and free healthcare + IF people on spectrum feel like they CAN fit in WITHOUT any accommodations they can move to normal common schools BUT after a doctor confirms that

Where I am now,neurological conditions aren’t given enough accommodations (not only in my opinion) despite being a legal disability (You will go to a school accommodating your needs only if your parents are criminals or and mentally unstable and it will be more of an orphanage than a school)

And it results in conflicts:

Autistic boy and neurotypical boy had a fight: school authorities blame the neurological *because they don’t want problems,they will never prove that neurodivergent kid is guilty because remember: society here feels like neurodivergent people can’t be trusted to be responsible for themselves*

My mother works with children with disabilities in my homeland and in my and her opinion,all children with disabilities are better off at schools accommodating them than common ones BUT IN THAT COUNTRY THOSE SCHOOLS ARE FREE FOR EVERYONE WHO IS NEURODIVERGENT (Not like in the west,health care is free,disability aid is present-some money for things like hearing aid and or ADHD medication)

But where I am now,in the western country,people see

this as *segration, ooo bad,ooo nooo, disabled children must be at common schools even through teachers there have 0 knowledge and experience how to handle them*

I dislike being blamed no matter what I fucking do

This applies when society blames the conventionally healthy person around mentally unstable/disabled/ neurodivergent and other people who society seems as unable to be responsible for themselves

AND this applies to ANYONE who plays the victim

One Arab woman,a local celebrity in the country where I am,called all women of my ethnicity *HOES* who *are unable to do anything but satisfy the men under the tables*

Guess what happened

Arab women is considered poc and is considered a minority where I am now

My ethnicity is considered “white” or “white passing” or “almost western”: different people say different things to me

Everyone DEFENDED the Arab woman who claimed a whole NATION of women as *WHORES*

Why? Because poor poc are soooooo opressed! Poor Arab are sooo opressed! And if you are opressed,you can NEVER do anything wrong and you are always a poor perfect victim!

By the way,did I mention that my ethnicity is actually the smallest minority in the west? Or that we are being genocided right now?

But we can NOT be victims because we are white passing

Now,in general:

I HATE all the people who play the victim card when it benefits them

And I am VERY wary of people who have blogs about something that has NOTHING to do with their condition BUT mention their conditions in bio anyway

Because from my experience,those people always try to pull the victim card when they fuck others up

Example 1

That Arab women started crying how she is a refugee from Middle East and how hard it is on her, all the pressure from the Islam and the west when she was judged after calling A NATION OF WOMEN USELESS HOES

Example 2

A black woman,an international student from my hometown,DURING FUCKING WAR AND EMERGENCY EVACUATIONS FROM THE CITY WHAT IS FREAKING BOMBED refused REFUSED to sit up in the train

•it was an EVACUATION train packed to the brim with children,women and WOUNDED CIVILIANS

•you are NOT ALLOWED TO LAY DOWN ON THE BENCH because it is an evacuation train,what is trying to save as many lives as it can possible fit This woman was refusing to sit down,being perfectly healthy and non wounded,while people were asking her to sit up instead of taking the whole bench to herself because A FIVE YEARS OLD CHILD WITH SPINAL INJURIES CAN NOT FUCKING STAND FOR 8 FUCKING HOURS EVACUATION FROM THE FRONT LINE

Example 3

A trans guy in my school insulted and fucked up with a new classmate,who just freaking came to a new school Why? Because she was given a list of classmates with their real,LEGAL,PASSPORT NAMES and she addressed him by his “dead name”

SHE DID NOT FUCKING KNOW

The way he treated her was so horrible he cried and I can’t even translate some of his insults to English from my mother tongue because they are very specific

Of course,her brother,the new girls’ brother,didn’t like the fact that his sister came back home crying and not wanting to go to school

So he came with her the very next day and fucked the trans guy up in a fight

(Yes,in my country school fights happen,not school shootings,just school fights)

When school authorities and parents and classmates were gathered to discuss the incident, trans guy pulled “oooo, you are all trans phobic! Ooo,you hate me just because I am trans!”

Thankfully,in my homeland shit like that doesn’t work when you are an asshole and trans guy was punished by school,by his parents and soon left the school to another one

Example 4

Thankfully,not to me,but to my friend,who is also a girl

A mentally unstable guy dated her for a while,his anger issues starting getting really out of control and she left him because fuck,who wants to be around a man punching through wooden doors because she talked to her guy friend about her homework at the university?

He stalked her,he threatened her and he threatened to kill himself and blame her for this

So fucking many people blamed her for being a…What is an English world? Gold digger? Materialistic women? “Materialistic women who does not see men as real people and only wants them for their money because she left a poor guy when he was mentally struggling”

If this happened in my homeland,that guy would be either in JAIL or psych ward,but west has different laws

Example 5

This happened multiple times on multiple social media with autistic or ADHD people

Stupid people come to my blog and say stupid shit and when I put them in their places,they start yapping how horrible I am

A bright example on Tumblr is that bitch who harassed me in my DMS and MY COMMENTS about how “Neji is a cruel cold blooded monster who wanted to kill hinata for his enjoyment only” and when I walked that cunt like a dog he is,he suddenly started yapping about how “I am damaging his mental health”

In the conclusion:

I hate all people who pull victim card when they fuck others up and I have experience with people using autism for that

Honestly,most of the time I don’t believe and I have no proof whether they are actually autistic or are they just some sick weird fucks posing as autistic on social media for attention seeking

Regardless,like with cases of

•being around poc people when you are “white passing” despite actually being a minority who is in the middle of genocide (Our SECOND genocide in last 121 years)

Yep,I am meaning that Arab women who called us “horrible cruel barbarians hating her because she is poc” after she called us “useless hoes” and got the outrage

By the way,she kept her job,her business and stayed a local celebrity with no consequences whatsoever

•being around mentally ill people when you are healthy

Her ex is a psycho but somehow she is guilty because she left him after he broke the door to the room she was hiding in from him

•being around VERY specific type of people TRANS queers when you are a heterosexual person

Beside that my classmate,in country where I am now a trans woman WITHOUT transitioning reading a male with fully intact dick a male with just make up and dress on walks into the locker room and my ex coworker WALKS OUT because she is 19 and she is fucking scared to get undressed in front of a man with a dick for her personal reasons Guess who got fired for transphobia? The 19 years old girl did,because that trans woman,aka man who didn’t even fully transition at ripe age of at least 30+, was SOOOO FUCKING OFFENDED THAT SHE WALKED OUT AND REFUSED TO STRIP AND UNDRESS NAKED WHILE SHE/HE IS THERE Transwoman complained everywhere, including on social media and the boss fired the 19 years old girl because he didn’t want his business to have a bad reputation of evil transphobes

Oh,did I mention that in the country where this happened 19 years old is considered a MINOR? And full adults start at 21 years of age?

•being around neurodivergent people

Yes,not all,in my homeland ADHD kid my mom taught (the kid is blind and has ADHD, my mom specifically works with blind children who also have some neurological conditions on top and YES,she has two separate bachelors degrees from two separate universities and one master degree In my homeland it is fucking illegal to work around any kids without special degree,especially around disabled kids)

The kid was sweet to me and almost everyone else (except some kids in his class,but that’s just because of some childish stuff) and also was taught to how be aware of other people and himself

For example: I came to visit my mom,the kid came to me from the back and started trailing the pattern on my sweater,I turn around,he stops,apologises and doesn’t do it again or also when talking he pauses and says “Sorry,do I talk to fast for you to understand my words? Do you want me to talk slower?” And that is really great,at least in my opinion,because yes,I didn’t understand a single thing when he was bubbling and I think if he teaches himself how to talk in a way majority of people understand it will be beneficial for him in this society

But this kid is at a special school where he is accommodated and he is taught how to get along with neurotypical people who are the majority of society

Westerns,especially on social media,in my experience,are only using their neurodivergent brains to play victim cards

Again,this is my experience and I am also suspecting that they can take autism and ADHD and AU ADHD for attention seeking

Either way,people who use their victim cards after fucking others up, make my blood boil and since I am not a psycho I prefer to avoid these people

Let’s not start a discussion “it is not all” like “it is not all men”

Yes,I know everyone is different

Yes,I know it is not all men *put anything else instead of men* but I am not going out alone to the club and I am not getting in the car with a men who is not my father,my brother or my freaking husband

I hope you do get my point

Oh! I MUST say this:

I fucking hate hinata because she and also her fans picture her as a victim and play victim card when I talk about how hinata abused Neji and Ko and how hinata is a slave owner exploiting whole side Hyuga branch

I think we should talk about both 🤷‍♂️

Harry showed signs of disordered eating and hints of anorexia (the weird workout routine he showed in that one 1D day video, the bullet coffee, the juice cleansing for Vogue, the comment about his 26in waist, and now Niall’s comment about smelling food and not eating it, I don’t think the skinning of the chicken is a big deal, chicken skin can be bad for your cholesterol).

And Louis shows signs of alcohol dependency, (drinking on stage, multiple mentions from people around him saying he downs 10 shots before the show and then after as well, how there’s a lot of alcohol in the background of his photos and videos, how he makes a point of how he appreciates his band and opening acts partying with him and drinking copious amounts).

It’s not enough to diagnose either of them with an ED or an addiction, but I think raising the red flag and being aware of the possibility, especially when thinking about our own lives and our own habits and attitudes, is important.

Btw I don’t think there’s any indication either of them is addicted to drugs. Both have mentioned using different kinds of drugs or alluded to them in songs but that doesn’t mean either of them are addicted, but being in the spotlight and having their schedules makes them high risk to becoming addicted and there’s nothing wrong with pointing that out either.

So I disagree both with what you're saying about how we should talk about 1D members and addiction and other mental health struggles - and in a pretty inter-related way what you think we can know about them.

You opening this post by saying what you think we should talk about - and then you talk about it in a very particular way. In this ask you're not just arguing that we should talk about alcoholism and eating disorders - but that we should do so in ways that involves careful cataloguing of behaviours and signs.

I think that if either Louis or Harry are struggling with eating disorders or addiction - then the surveillance of strangers can only do harm. I also think careful detailing of other people's behaviours can do real harm to people who read it - particularly when it comes to eating disorders.

People are still free to surveil strangers consumption - but the idea that people should do something so harmful - that's really counter to everything I believe.

As well as being harmful - I also think your way of talking about this is totally uninsightful - and will end up hiding much more than it reveals. The basic assumption in your approach is that we can tell whether or not an artist has an eating disorder or addiction from what we see them consume. The most disturbing part of this is the way you neatly catalogue eating behaviours into signs of an eating disorder and things that there may be very good reason for. I can't emphasise enough that that's not how either our food culture or eating disorders work.

And from this you have made neat dividing lines based on what you see about what you think the risk is. You acknowledge that they're both at risk of drug addiction, but stop there. There's a very high risk that Louis has an eating disorder and Harry is alcoholic. The careful cataloguing of what we see erases that the risk is in what we don't see.

What's super frustrating to me is we don't need to be counting the drinks or cataloguing the food intake to know that every 1D member is at a very high risk for both eating disorders and addiction. Even the most cursory survey of the industry provides us with a very clear understanding of the risk.

I find it really frustrating that people are suddenly casting me as someone who doesn't want to talk about alcohol and drug use. I've been talking about both for years. I was talking about it when fandom's main approach was 'talking about drugs is bad'. And I'm going to keep talking in a way that is consistent with my beliefs now an 'is this bad?' approach is depressingly common.

How Do We Keep Ourself Healthy In Terms Of Sex?

Sexual health refers to the physical, mental and emotional aspects of a person's ability to have a happy, fulfilling sex life. It involves everything from understanding sex and STIs to being willing to talk about your sex with others and healthcare providers.

It is important to remember that sex is part of a healthy, balanced lifestyle and can't be considered "just for fun." In fact, not having sex regularly can cause anxiety, depression and even erectile dysfunction in some people.

In general, the key to sexual well-being is to have a positive, open relationship with your partner and be willing to explore all aspects of your sexuality. If you feel uncomfortable in any way, get professional help.

You might also want to consider changing your relationship if you or your partner is experiencing serious or ongoing problems. There are programs that can help you build positive relationships and work through issues that may be keeping you from having a good, satisfying sex life.

A happy, sexy lifestyle includes eating healthy foods and staying active. It's no secret that exercise raises your body's production of endorphins and sex hormones, which improves your mood and boosts your sex drive.

Taking care of your body through regular exercise helps to strengthen the bonds that you have with your partner, resulting in a more intimate, fulfilling relationship overall. It also helps to increase your confidence and self-esteem, so you can approach sex with more enthusiasm and energy.

Eat healthier, nutrient-dense foods and drink plenty of water to keep you hydrated. A lack of hydration can make you feel dehydrated and fatigued, which can reduce your sex life.

Avoid alcohol and other alcoholic beverages. Excessive amounts of alcohol can lower your libido and may even cause erectile dysfunction in men. This is especially true if you are under age 25 and have a history of mental or emotional health problems.

Try a new sexual position or activity to keep things interesting and fun. Trying out new sexy activities is one of the best ways to stay physically and emotionally active, and can be a great way to connect with your partner on an intimate level.

Enjoy your sex as much as possible!

No matter how busy your schedule is, it's crucial to carve out a little time for romance and intimacy in your relationship. Whether it's by having a night out, going to the movies or getting massages, spending time together can make you both feel better and give you more opportunities for sex in bed.

It's easy to put sex off when you have too many other things going on, but that's not the right thing to do. Putting it on your calendar and scheduling a specific time to spend with your partner will prevent you from slacking off, which can lead to less enjoyable lovemaking experiences.

Ever wonder how sex can help your health? Whether it's the practical reasons or just the obvious ones, there are plenty of good reasons to get some more action in your life.

As simple as regular sex may sound, taking the first step isn't always easy. And with relationships changing rapidly in today's fast-paced world, keeping intimate ties healthy and enjoyable needn't be hard work. Also, there is no shame in including sex as part of a committed relationship, whether you're into monogamy or open relationships. Unless, of course you're not interested in be doing it because well… that would be weird but you already knew that.

Pirengo provides top tips on how to make sex within a committed relationship a healthy and interesting experience – even if that sort of thing doesn't usually come naturally to you. Want to know more about us and what we have to offer? Just visit our website at https://pirengo.org .

ACOTAR and Setups Part II: Tamlin and Rhysand

SPOILERS: ACOTAR series (and Macbeth too ig)

Part 1: Feyre

In "Macbeth", Macbeth and Banquo are narrative foils to each other. While Banquo is loyal to the king and uses language of growth and imagery of nature when he speaks, the traitor Macbeth's words are full of references to destruction, fire, and unholy happenings. Foils are not just good ways to explore character traits, but also excellent for setting up conflicts and exploring the thematic concerns of the world.

I think it's safe to say Tamlin and Rhysand are foils. They have opposing imagery (spring, flowers and sun for Tamlin, winter, snow and night for Rhysand) and always stand in opposition to each other when it comes to Feyre's narrative, switching in and out of being the "bad guy" and the "good guy". But the way this is handled is .... eh.

I'm going to look at shifts in Feyre, Tamlin and Rhys that work of this foil - and try to look for when and how they were set up.

1. Feyre's shift - TW: discussions of abuse, mental health issues

In the first book, Tamlin is a source of protection and love for Feyre. But by the second book, Feyre is not only struggling with her PTSD but has begun to realise that life at the Spring Court as a dolled up accessory might not be for her. By the end of the book, she has found her place in the Night Court - by Rhysand's side. And honestly? Go girl! Go live up to your potential!

The problem arises with how this is done - that is, Sarah J Mass never does the brunt work of showing us why Feyre cares. It is plausible she is motivated by a desire to protect the human lands, but we never actually see that. There isn't a moment where she realises she needs to work for a greater good, or a moment she realises that she needs to protect those more vulnerable than her - instead, the narrative has her tolerating abuse until she finally has had enough.

Which is great. I have got to admit that I really like the explicit rejection of a happily ever after storyline for Feyre because it took away her agency. But we get this radical shift in character motivation from wanting to be protected and comfortable with those she loves to desiring agency and understanding of herself in two lines:

"The girl who had needed to be protected and who had craved stability and comfort... she had died Under the Mountain"

and

"I didn't know how to go back to those things. To being docile"

hhhhhh. I mean - if you have to say it that explicitly, you're already doing something wrong. But also, why? We never see Feyre struggling with herself in her new body, and wondering why she does not want the same things as she did when she was a human, never see an impetus point for when her desires shifted.

But honestly? I don't mind Feyre's arc. I think it's a bit confused and lacks clarity or intent, and as a result, it is harder to root for her because you don't quite know what she wants, but I think it's still quite good. Where I really have problems are with Tamlin ad Rhys.

2. Tamlin - TW: discussions of abuse, mental health issues

I am not a fan of Tamlin's arc. You could argue that it is part of the thematic message of the series: that things are not as they seem. Tamlin is the wolf to the savour to the abuser, Rhysand is the "most beautiful man " Feyre had ever seen to Amarantha's monster to Feyre's eventual mate. But - the constant twists are unnecessary, more importantly, they and have little to no foreshadowing and just seem like retcons- making it seem as if they are there to keep the audience guessing rather than genuine plot progressions. This becomes even more obvious when the series abandons its core theme of "appearance vs reality" altogether, and as a result loses a lot of its cohesion: a direct consequence of having a bad setup.

His reason for doing the abusive things he does is conveyed to us in two lines, in the same monologue that Feyre's motivation is:

"Tamlin had gotten his powers back, had become whole again - become that protector and provider he wished to be"

Sure. He was much more powerful than Feyre when they first met, so I am having a hard time buying it is the return of the powers that his making him act this way. We know that his actions come from a genuine desire to protect Feyre - this is the guy that was willing to sacrifice his life multiple times and the future of his entire court to keep her safe. The only justification we have left then for the way he acts is that his PTSD, borne out of the trauma and torture he underwent and watched Feyre undergo changed him in some way.

This is why the endless villainizing of Tamlin makes me really uncomfortable. While it is true that the abused can become the abuser, and figuring out how to help them while protecting yourself is something that absolutely needs to be discussed and explored - the way it is done with Tamlin is horrendous because he is never given a chance to heal. Instead, he is thrown from plot point to plot point, an eternal punching bag for the Inner Circle and others to seem morally superior in front of.

And his treatment of Feyre is just weird. If he's so concerned about her safety - why does he not wake up when she has nightmares? Is he instead trying to pretend like everything is okay - if so why does he give Feyre an escort of guards? If his core motivation is protecting Feyre at all costs - why does he lash out at her?? And the text really tries to tell us how to feel about him in this regard, but it doesn't do it very well. For example, take the scene where Tamlin says "There is no such thing as a High Lady". Feyre a second before expressed her desire not to take on any responsibility, and Tamlin responded with this - and the text really makes us want to hate him for it, but all you can see is a person who is perhaps not the best at reading subtext trying his best.

In conclusion - Tamlin's shift to the villain of the narrative is hamhanded and underexplained, making it hard to genuinely hate him, and further confusing the narrative.

3. Rhys the foil gets the girl - TW: discussions of abuse, sexual assault mental health issues

Rhysand in the first book is interesting - he clearly has a heart and a soft spot for Feyre but is also a schemer with dubious motives that drugs and sexually harasses Feyre. There are places in the set up where we understand he cares - but never where we can begin to see he might be a genuine paragon of virtue.

And I will address this more in my post on ACOMAF, but the point I am trying to make here is: we are told through the constantly opposing imagery that Rhys and Tamlin are wolds apart - but never actually given examples of how. Rhys is said to be different from Tamlin because he respects Feyre's choice - but he drugs her in a bunch of weird scenes (that serve no clear narrative purpose by the way - like what was he trying to achieve? why he couldn't he just let Feyre in on that part of the plan?) and withholds information from her about life-threatening situations. Rhys is said to pull less rank - but we multiple times see others defer to him, especially in later books, and never actually see rank being enforced in Tamlin's court with his treatment of Lucien (many times described as his partner, and openly questioning him) and later Ianthe. Rhys is said to have less archaic laws in opposition to Tamlin's Tithe - but he abandons the Court of Nightmares to the monsters who rule it, and never takes serious actions against the Illyrian people who clip of women's wings, and a lot of Tamlin's idea of racial superiority and general superiority just come completely out of left field in the middle of ACOMAF.

Both of them are problematic - it's just that the text tells us to root for one, without actually showing us how one is better, or setting up any clear ideological difference between them. And that cheapens Feyre's character shift and lessen the efficacy of the foil - turning it into Feyre hopping from one lover to the other with little to no character consistency and no nuanced exploration of the theme of the series or trauma.

Ava & James

Ava: I've told all my family James: oh Ava: Maybe don't oh that hard Ava: thinking you've changed your mind and that's going to be very difficult to do a 180 on tbh James: I'm actually thinking about Bella's dad's reaction Ava: As far as I'm aware, my dad doesn't have a shotgun Ava: or an excellent moustache Ava: definitely not James: Mine does, on both counts, but the mentality simply isn't there James: war of words is as far as things have so far escalated Ava: That's a good visual Ava: what about your mum? James: she's very busy lining up every single woman she's aware of between the ages of 20 to 30 within a mile radius or so Ava: Very Mr Darcy Ava: I'll gatecrash James: I look forward to the dramatic dance scene during which we only touch palms & exchange looks Ava: I bet Lizzie Bennet didn't 😳 Ava: shame my sister isn't around to push over so your parents are forced to take us in whilst she languishes James: 😂 James: I'll happily push my sister over or let her fall through an iced over pond to further our romantic narrative Ava: 💘 Ava: I know it's less about me but I can swoon nonetheless James: if you're 😳 then you'll have my full attention regardless Ava: Promise? James: yes Ava: even if the single ladies have really good period costumes? James: well, I hadn't considered that Ava: 😏 Ava: rude James: before I decide, what are you going to be wearing when you gatecrash? Ava: Obviously something unexpectedly knockout Ava: am the protagonist, need I remind you James: okay, what I'm hearing is anything you already own or could pick out from anywhere given a few moments Ava: You're adorable Ava: how did it go really then? James: does that mean I'll get to see you before there's a seasons changing montage? because I really want to Ava: Providing you don't need to exile yourself, of course James: I'm sure there's now several people in both our lives who would like me to, but I won't Ava: They were as receptive as I expected but I've made it clear I won't be stopping seeing you, hopefully put to bed the concerns I can James: in my case, the only concern is outward appearances so there's very little I can do even if I particularly cared to James: & Teddy isn't concerned so much as shocked & appalled Ava: Of course Ava: at least I'm an addendum re. the main issue of the whole divorce, in that case? Ava: yeah, do you think I should make a point of talking to him or give him space? James: will you? as far as he's concerned I haven't made a good decision within his living memory, but you two are friends, or were Ava: I'll try, definitely Ava: if I can make him see it's as much my decision as yours, it might help, in the end Ava: and I can handle another person having their say James: thank you James: I meant what I said, I'm more than willing to discuss this with your parents, at any point James: I can handle that Ava: Thank you Ava: I think it might help Ava: but I also think I'm gonna give them a cool-off period or it won't be at all helpful and that won't be at all your fault James: understood James: I'm currently having to employ a similar situation with Jay's playdates because her friend's mothers cannot possibly keep their nose out of my business or their mouths shut about where hers is and every other single detail they believe to be fact Ava: Oh lord Ava: I wouldn't have envied you having to socialize by-proxy with the self-professed yummy mummies before but now Ava: I can only imagine Ava: Poor Jay Ava: I can't offer a human child for playdates but Frank is always down Ava: and my lips are, naturally, sealed James: I was hoping to take them away for a few days but it's as though my dad has decided that in lieu of my failings in other areas I need to suddenly become the hardest worker in the history of this company Ava: Of course Ava: Hmm James: because obviously what my children require most in their mother's absence is to also see me less Ava: Well, yeah, that's not potentially traumatizing Ava: thank God for School being right 'round the corner Ava: and Matty still being portable James: I've been bringing them both to the office & the bulging vein in his temple is honestly such a strong contender for the book cover Ava: 😏 That's how you do it Ava: risk his health and wellbeing so you get the time off for yours James: King's didn't teach me everything I know, I've got a few tricks Ava: When are you giving me that tour? James: When can I see you? Ava: When is your dad not working you to death? Ava: I can make it work James: [A pause while he figures that out] James: he's out of the office all day on [a date in the foreseeable to make this office hookup a thing] Ava: No offense but if your brother shows up again you need to send him on a really long coffee run James: as you said, school is right around the corner, meaning my parents priorities have shifted back to making sure he'll go Ava: In that case Ava: 😈 James: 😇 for saying yes Ava: I have ulterior motives, I promise you James: oh really? Ava: really Ava: it's very unfair I've yet to see you in your work clothes James: [sends her a pic because nobody can stop him] Ava: um hello 😍 Ava: you're really going to be away from me looking so good Ava: unfair James: I'm sorry James: I really, really am Ava: Me too Ava: I've not seen you enough to warrant how badly I want to right now James: [a casual essay about how much he misses her and wants her and everything he wishes they could do, in a saucy way but also just in cute ways like] Ava: James James: Ava Ava: I really love you, you know James: I love you too James: what I most wish is that we could go away for a while Ava: That would be Ava: so good Ava: maybe we could in like the Christmas hols, when everything has calmed down Ava: hopefully James: it would be indescribable Ava: I have no doubt you would do your best Ava: and it'd be impressive James: the subject matter lends itself to nothing but my best Ava: I'm honoured🙇 James: so am I, especially by that visual Ava: Gutted I'm out rn and can't immediately fulfill that wish for a visual like you did Ava: when I get back though James: [sends her an even better visual] James: until then, there you are Ava: oh, well, you aren't distracting at all 😖 Ava: definitely gonna get you back when you're so hard at work James: 😈 James: I so badly hope you do Ava: I intend to Ava: every day of the week Ava: but especially when I get to come see you James: you know, the things I intend to do to you on this desk drastically shifts the audience we're going to be able to pitch this book to Ava: You'll have to restrain your imagination in the write-up so the audience can use theirs to fill in the blanks Ava: because there's no way we're leaving your office 'til we've done everything you've thought of James: finally some overtime I'm not upset about Ava: It's all about balance, right? 😇 James: & I'm aware that you've got very good balance Ava: Will that help me be the best good luck charm on your best I can be? 🤔 Ava: intriguing 😋 James: absolutely, but if you need any more help, I'll help you Ava: You're very helpful, baby James: I try to be Ava: I've never met anyone like you James: I don't think I'll ever meet anyone else that comes close to you either James: I certainly haven't before Ava: Good Ava: I don't need to think about competiting so soon James: you don't need to think about it, full stop Ava: not 'til the dance, anyway James: even then, I'll only have eyes for you, that's the cliche Ava: Of course Ava: doesn't mean I'm not gonna do everything within my power to ensure it's worth your 👀s while James: I don't want to dance with anyone else, Ava James: I don't want to do any of this with anyone else Ava: I know Ava: you know I feel the same too James: you know I couldn't have done this without you though Ava: You did it all though, all the hard conversations and hard decisions James: a lot of those decisions were made for me, so there's limited credit due, & a lack of conversation with her just cements that Ava: Yeah but the ball is in her court on that one Ava: you're if not ready at least willing whenever she is James: of course, because that's not a decision, to not act, not any more Ava: yeah, and that's going to be a good thing Ava: even if it is not good all the time James: I'll be interested to see if she gets in contact before school starts because that's unlikely to be a good thing Ava: Yes, I wonder if this is just a summer holiday or Ava: makes you wonder what she's even doing that could keep her so 'busy' James: whoever cleans the pool, probably, not that she'd ever admit to such a cliche Ava: 😬 Ava: definitely not getting paid enough James: 😂 Ava: I'm just glad that right now you don't have to deal with her on the day to day, even if it's only a momentary reprieve, it'll never be that bad again James: me too, I can't & won't pretend that I didn't know how bad it had become but actually getting a break from it makes me wonder how either of us dealt with that for as long as we have Ava: I bet Ava: she must've been as sick of it, even though she was the one not letting go and doing the fucked up shit, that has to be exhausting to live like that Ava: full level hell beast all the time, like 😈 Ava: sorry, I'm not fully sure where the line is re. her Ava: but I've been hearing great things from Nancy and Buster today so, that's in my head James: it's okay, you're not wrong James: & neither are they Ava: Okay Ava: if it's ever weird or like, not up for discussion though, just say the word Ava: or several, as you're especially loquacious James: there's a fantastic word Ava: as far as safewords go Ava: I can think of a few situations where it might be hard to get out but isn't that half the fun James: I'll make a note of it, because yes, that's definitely a large percentage of the thrill Ava: I wish you were here Ava: I only am to get away from my parents for a bit James: where are you? Ava: My friend's house Ava: Her sister is called Stasia, think she was your year-ish? James: I remember her, whether she would me, favourably or otherwise, I can't possibly comment James: I'll take you home when you want to go Ava: Really? Ava: well, I'll go at whatever time means I get some extra with you James: okay, I'll take that as my cue to leave now, not only because any reason to get out of here is welcomed though Ava: Please do Ava: talking about you so much has only made my need to be with you even greater James: I can absolutely relate & admit to having had the same urge all day Ava: Oh good Ava: we're on the same page James: that said, a necessary note in the margin would be that in actual fact I've felt that way much longer, because whatever I'm talking about, I'm thinking about you Ava: Sometimes I think I think about you too much Ava: but then I remember I'm the protagonist in this romance so it's not just acceptable but necessary James: you can do whatever you like, darling, it's your story Ava: In that case Ava: read on James: voraciously Ava: 🤤🤤 James James: I'm just making sure we're still on the same page Ava: You're gonna have trouble keeping me on the page Ava: and making me go home James: & the driver's eyes on the road, we may need more than the Twilight soundtrack on this occasion Ava: Pride & Prejudice 2005? Ava: gotcha, honey James: 😂 James: yes, exactly Ava: 😊 Ava: I love you so much James: I miss you so much James: if I could take you home with me, I very happily would Ava: I know Ava: one day James: after the move to the other side of the river, because we both know there is a line Ava: It's pretty exciting, isn't it? James: I'm glad to hear you think so because I was going to ask you if you'd like to come house hunting with me Ava: I'd love to! James: [a possible date soonish] ? Ava: That should be good for me Ava: I'll let you know if otherwise Ava: it'll be nice to look at some actual decent places, let's face it, I doubt my student digs will be all that inspiring, like 😏 James: barely room for whatever hazing pranks they have in store, I'm sure Ava: I'm still not convinced that particular visual doesn't just come from a certain type of movie, babe James: you'll have to let me know 😏 Ava: I'll make it good for you James: my faith in you remains unwavering Ava: 🙇 James: have you reconsidered your stance on spoilers? Ava: That does depend James: oh? Ava: have you dumped fake girl? James: she was very slow to accept her fate, but yes Ava: I can't blame her Ava: I wouldn't wanna lose you either Ava: [picture, assumedly in her friend's room or somewhere not just in front of them like oh hey] James: Ava Ava: Make traffic move faster please James: I'll do the quickest rewrite possible & see you at your friend's door Ava: I'll be waiting so patiently James: & I'll be waiting impatiently James: 😇 & 😈 Ava: I think you deserve to be 😈 right now Ava: been a long day, yeah? James: yes, though it feels longer now, stretching out with the queued traffic Ava: 🥺 Ava: we'll just have to see it as motivation to not waste a single second James: it's a promise, in or out of traffic Ava: I'm so lucky James: if you think you are, then I need a better word to describe my own fortune right now Ava: I'm just really happy Ava: in spite of anything else, everything else, right now James: good, me too Ava: 🥰 Ava: you deserve that even more James: you deserve more than I can possibly give you, however patiently you wait Ava: nuuh James: yes you do Ava: 😣 Ava: no Ava: and I want you James: I want you, I'm well aware that it doesn't mean I deserve to have you Ava: How could you possibly not James: because James: the reasons I lack words to describe you aren't even close to the reasons I lack them to describe myself Ava: but I can't describe you either Ava: not just because I'm no writer James: but you do, all the time, in both words & actions I can vividly see myself the way you think of me Ava: I'm glad Ava: keep looking, okay Ava: we'll work on the believing bit James: okay James: if you'd like to get in the car, we can start immediately

I always want to ask if people are mad at me even though they haven't said anything to that effect, it's just a vibe I'm getting. Can I ask that? Is that annoying/weird?

Hi there, friend,

It sounds like something else might be going on. If you're feeling this way constantly, then asking something along the lines of "Are you mad at me?" could be unfair to both you and the person you're asking. Generally when we pick up on the vibe that someone is mad at us with any obvious confirmation from that person, we might be projecting some of our own feelings onto those around us. You may be feeling insecure, or you may be feeling guilty about something that you've done. Whatever the cause of this anxiety (and it may very well just be the current state of your mental health... I mean *vague gesture to everything over the last five or so years and more*), framing the question in this way sets the person you're asking up to fail.

It's unfair to the other person because chances are if you feel like you need to ask if someone is mad at you, you are unable to pinpoint a reason that they could be angry with you. This sort of irrational guilt is based on a fictional fear -- a fear of retaliation, a fear of rejection, or a fear of your own moral failure. Whatever it may be, asking in this way asks a lot indirectly, and if you're unaware of what you're actually asking for, you're putting everything on the other person. You're forcing them into a situation where they have to do all the emotional labor of figuring out what you actually need to hear from them. They may have to go through their own anxiety-driven recap to try and figure out what they may have done to make you think that, or if they are going through something that has nothing to do with you, they may feel obligated to drop whatever is requiring their attention or otherwise preoccupying them to focus on you and meeting needs that your question suggests you may be unaware of. That's why many people might find this question annoying or even angering.

It's unfair to you because very few of the answers to that question are going to be satisfactory. What do you actually gain by knowing if someone is or is not mad at you? Basically, the only response that is going to bring you any comfort is an immediate, enthusiastic and emphatic, "No, of course not!"And it's such an awkward question that it's going to take people time to respond, especially if they are mad about something else. Only the most self-aware and emotionally literate among us may be able to articulate "I have a lot on my plate right now" in a way off the cuff that is going to give you what you actually need: reassurance -- confirmation and outsourced validation that you haven't done anything wrong and that you are, in fact, okay.

To be clear, I don't think there is anything wrong with needing that reassurance. I don't think it's morally reprehensible to ask people, even constantly, "are you mad at me?" But I do think there are better ways to phrase it to have your needs met in a way that's safer for the other person. "Can I get some reassurance that you're not angry?" or "I think I need some words of affirmation. Is that something you're able to provide right now?" come to mind immediately. If it helps, carry around a note card that reminds you of a better way to phrase the question. In time, you may find ways that people have responded that have been more or less helpful to you, and you can write those down on the notecard as well so that you have phrases that you can repeat to yourself to practice more positive self-talk.

Be kind to yourself, friend. Self-care isn't always going for a walk after work or treating yourself to a monthly massage. Sometimes its putting in the work to build your own confidence and empowering yourself to see you the way that other people actually see you, and that can be incredibly difficult. When it comes down to it, the need that you're seeking to meet by asking this question is the need for love and acceptance. We all struggle with feeling unloved from time to time, but the best thing you can do in those situations is give the people who love you a fighting chance to show you that they do in fact love you in a way that is amenable to you.

With love, friend.

can the psychologist really determine whether "bipolar doesn't affect your thinking abilities" or "you're able to carry out daily activities" better than you can, srsly what the fuck

exactly. the “evaluation” was supposed to be an hour with the social security administration’s appointed psychologist. the session was 45 minutes at most, because he went late into his session with the client before me. as soon as i started answering his questions, to the best of my ability, he kept interrupting me and telling me to hurry. sometimes i talk very slowly because it’s hard for me to describe things related to my mental health. being rushed just makes it harder, and then i start stuttering because i’m anxious. it’s so hard to connect a thought with speech and i just shut down sometimes. he continued to rush me each time i began responding to his questions and as predicted, i started stuttering and fidgeting because he was making me so uncomfortable. 

i don’t know how a person who interviewed me even only once can say that my anxiety doesn’t cause significant change in behavior. he was right there and he saw it. he kept ignoring me and cutting me off to make sure i was aware that his next client was more important. like the same exact way he did when he kept his previous client 15 minutes past the end of their appointment because they were more important?

the notes he made in the denial letter to show the “evidence” of me not being disabled were really insulting. i won’t go further into the contents of the notes because it’s a little bit too much personal information about my mental health and some comments about my physical health (that i don’t understand him commenting on, being a licensed psychologist, not a physician). they kind of blatantly say “in MY opinion, x symptom isn’t extreme enough to be considered disabling” and “in MY opinion, your chronic pain isn’t ENOUGH pain to be a disability” which is kind of problematic in MY opinion. the same thing happened for years when my mom was trying to find help for my mental health issues from the time i was 8 until i was in my mid teen years because the mental healthcare system is so fucked. especially the pediatric mental healthcare system. 

in the mental health system there’s this weird mentality that a lot of professionals have that’s almost like, if you’re seeking preventative treatment, then you don’t NEED those services because there are people in crisis. when i was younger there were so many times when i needed those services to prevent crisis because i was able to recognize i was not okay, and because i hadn’t hurt myself or presented any urgent suicidal ideation, i was turned away. it happened so many times. there isn’t enough consistent care for mentally ill children, child psychologists and psychiatrists are often booked out for months in advance and by the time the appointment rolls around, it could already be too late. a lot of their appointments are also booked through hospitalizations, which get first priority. so in my experience, if you’re not trying to hurt or kill yourself, you don’t get the help you need. and often, the treatment you receive is not tailored to your specific needs, so not much gets solved. you get misdiagnosed and put on the wrong medications. you get thrown in the wrong kind of special ed programs in school. the first doctor i ever saw as a child said my symptoms fit bipolar disorder to a t, but told my parents that 8 years old was too young to diagnose. for the next ten years i was put on the wrong medications, given several wrong diagnoses, was given the wrong treatment, forced through 7 different school programs in 5 years that made it impossible for me to attend because of my anxiety, was been hospitalized 9 times, and eventually forced to drop out of high school because no school had the resources to help me and wouldn’t transfer my credits from the schools i’d previously attended. i’ve fallen through every crack there was to fall through.

i was hospitalized 13 days after my 18th birthday. the doctor asked me if i’d ever heard of bipolar disorder and i just laughed, like really? now? after i’m 18. i was hospitalized for a month and while i was there the psychologist who diagnosed me told me that he has patients that he diagnosed when they were five and six years old who are adults now that have been medicated for their bipolar and have never been hospitalized or had any complications. why did i get all the shitty doctors that said i was too young, from the time i was 8, to 16, 17, but literally DAYS after i turned 18 and had a 7 day manic episode followed by a severe depressive episode that almost killed me, i’m diagnosed IN THE EMERGENCY ROOM. 

the notes on the report are kind of like that. like saying “you’re not disabled enough” when i’ve had to deal with my bipolar plus the other mental health diagnoses and my physical health problems my whole life. they clearly affect my thinking, behavior, and the way i go about my day.

because i’m applying as an adult, they could only access my medical records from the past 20 months to review - the time it’s been since i turned 18 - for some reason they only reviewed 5 different reports. out of hundreds of trips to the doctor and therapist, FIVE. three of which were from my endocrine doctor that i see four times a year for diabetes related care. my diabetes wasn’t something i filed for ssi for in the first place because i’m not suffering from complications since it’s well controlled. one report was from the last therapist i had, and the other was from my psychiatrist who has been really weird lately (like.....calling my mom to confirm appointments since she’s the one who drives me, forgetting my name and forgetting what prescriptions SHE prescribed me....weird shit). i don’t like it and i don’t want to see her again and i’m sure she didn’t provide anything that was beneficial for me. 

nothing from my two back to back month long hospital stays in 2016. nothing about the treatment programs i was in. nothing about my physical therapy appointments from last year. they didn’t review all the information they could have looked at, and it took them four months to decide that i’m not eligible for ssi based on five pieces of (mostly) outdated and irrelevant information. nice. “we have determined that your condition is not severe enough to keep you from working. we considered the medical and other information...” did you? lmao. 

of course i’m appealing it but you know. i’m not one to scream and shout about ableism but if this aint it i don’t know what is