Day 30; Death

zukka fics that live in my head rent free! 

1. what did you bury before those hands pulled me from the earth (what were you digging) by draco_sollicitus status: complete (18k words) rating: mature pairing(s): sokka/zuko  summary: Sokka is immortal; it's been tested, he knows that he can't die. He's immortal, but he's not quite a god like his sister, Katara. He's immortal, but he's not quite powerful like his friends Aang and Toph. He's just sort of Sokka: good at fixing things, good at playing pranks, good at helping people. When a bet against Toph goes horribly wrong, and an attempt to save him goes even worse, Sokka finds himself the unwilling guest of the Lord of the Underworld. And, strangely enough, every story Sokka's heard about Lord Zuko seems to be ... completely wrong. (Also, he's really handsome. Why does he have to be handsome?)

mythology nerds come get y’all juice. a very good fic. 10/10

2. Where I Want to Be by through-the-stars-to-the-pavement status: WIP (83k words) rating: explicit pairing(s): sokka/zuko summary: "'The fog was where I wanted to be.'" Everything is different. The pitch of his voice, his posture. The auditorium goes silent. No one can take their eyes off of him.… He's amazing.  Zuko had to perfect the art of acting as a child to survive the horrors of his homelife. When he got older, it was only natural to take his talent to the stage for entertainment and escape. Enter Sokka, a craftsman and set designer with a giant heart who is haunted by plenty of ghosts of his own. A tale of trauma, disability, family, creativity, and love. 

this is one of my all time favorite fics. it’s seriously so good and i think about it often

3. Teaching a Heart by @i-write-shakespeare-not-disney status: WIP (114k words) rating: teen and up pairing(s): sokka/zuko summary: Sokka is asked to go to the Fire Nation to teach the crown prince how to sword fight. When he arrives, he's surprised to learn he has to pose as a companion before he can teach the stubborn prince because he rejects every teacher. Far from home and among new customs, Sokka struggles to gain the prince's trust and friendship despite the uncertainties of the customs and dynamics he sees. As he slowly finds answers to his questions, his bond with the prince grows until it becomes something far more ardent than friendship. Doomed as it may be with the prince's approaching wedding ceremony and coronation, Sokka and Zuko find themselves consumed by what they find in each other.

i have no words, i just love this fic and it makes me weep.

4. The Road Between Action and Inaction by @donvex status: complete (17k words) rating: teen and up pairing(s): sokka/zuko summary: Sokka does a shitty k turn in the parking lot across from the bus station, pulls up to the curb where the boy is looking determinedly at his phone, and rolls down the passenger window. “Hey! Which way were you going?” He may die, but at least his conscience will be clear. The guy blinks at him. “Don’t.” Oh, he’s prickly. Or: the hitchhiker au, featuring Sokka and Zuko falling in love without even realizing it.

a classic. roadtrip fics own my ass. 

5. purrfect for eachother by lesmiserablol status: complete (3k words) rating: general audiences pairing(s): sokka/zuko summary: “Let me teach you how to be a cat person,” Zuko says. “Learning from the master himself,” Sokka grins. “Alright, this can’t be too hard. Show me what you got.” (because sometimes, it takes going to a cat café four times to realize you're in love with your best friend)

this whole series is adorable, reading it is self care

6. Ashes Inside When You Finish Your Song by @muncaster status: complete (47k words) rating: teen and up pairing(s): sokka/zuko, aang/katara, mai/ty lee summary: Sokka writes lyrics for his sister’s band. Zuko plays piano and is unnecessarily nice. Fellas, is it gay to write love songs about your friend and his golden eyes? (AKA, a modern band AU featuring The Gaang, crappy software equipment, homoerotic lyrics, and the realization that maybe, if you think about a guy every night before you sleep, you just might be in love with him.)

i think this is the longest one-shot i’ve ever read and it’s so worth it

7. a study in matchmaking by @verdanthoney status: complete (12k words) rating: general audiences pairing(s): sokka/zuko, aang/katara, bato/hakoda summary: Zuko and Sokka try to play matchmaker, but things don't go exactly as planned.

this fic makes me want to scream, in the best way. it’s so cute

8. A Predictable Story by mindbending status: complete (7k words) rating: general audiences pairing(s): sokka/zuko summary: "On this night, you shall share a kiss with a great love of your life!” That lying, scummy Aunt Wu predicts a grand romance for Sokka. To disprove her "fortunetelling" once and for all, Sokka decides to spend the night with least romantic person he knows. Zuko.

again, i have no words. this fic is cute as hell

9. that’s murder, buddy by @bisexual-atla status: WIP (14k words) rating: teen and up pairing(s): sokka/zuko summary: Throughout the streets, on quiet nights, it was rumored the screams of those missing could be heard. Some say the sounds were coming from underground. Where were the young girls? And what was happening to them? Was an evil spirit haunting Gaoling, or something more human? More sinister? My name is Zuko, and you’re tuning into another episode of ‘That’s Murder, Buddy’. Or: Sokka has no idea that his crush is the host of his favorite podcast. (But everyone else knows.)

i love the entire concept of this one, we love oblivious sokka

10. We’ll play hide and seek (to turn this around) by @crosspin status: complete (5k words) rating: general audiences pairing(s): sokka/zuko, bato/hakoda summary: Sokka gave him a sheepish smile. “It’s…well, you see, there’s this boy…” Hakoda sighed and set down the sports section. This was going to take a while. “He works at Barnes & Noble. At the big information desk in the middle. Every Saturday. And I really want to ask him for his number, but it’s super awkward because there’s always this other guy working the information desk at the same time. He’s old, like you. But I have a plan." Sokka’s eyes lit up deviously. “You come with me to Barnes & Noble today when they’re working and distract the old man. And while you have him distracted, I’ll swoop in and get the goods!” Sokka has a plan to ask out the cute boy at the bookstore. Hakoda is a begrudging participant until he meets the boy's beautiful older coworker.

this fic!! this fic! adorable, incredible, magnificent

11. feels like we only go backwards by @oldpotatoe status: WIP (88k words) rating: teen and up pairing(s): sokka/zuko summary: [Time passes oddly. Between one second and the next, Sokka has the Fire Lord pinned to the wall with his hands around the bastard’s throat. Golden eyes (one gold eye, his mind whispers) widen in shock. “Sokka?” he chokes out. And then he smiles. What the fuck? “Sokka, I—” Sokka slams his head against the wall, once, twice, and the smile wipes off his face. Good. “What,” Sokka bites out, “have you done to my sister?”] Or: An injury leaves Sokka with amnesia. His last memory is of the failed invasion, of leaving his father behind in enemy territory on the Day of Black Sun. Of hopelessness. Rage. But then he wakes up, and the war is over. Suddenly, he must come to terms with the fact that years have passed, and that he's somehow the Southern Water Tribe Ambassador to the Fire Nation. He is also supposedly friends with banished-Prince-turned-Fire-Lord Zuko, of all people. Close friends. Yeah, nah.

if you’ve been following me for a while you know this fic fucks me up beyond belief

12. breakable heaven by @fruitysokka status: WIP (43k words) rating: teen and up pairing(s): sokka/zuko summary: With his twenty-first birthday looming just around the corner, the Southern Water Tribe Elders have decided that Sokka, next in line to be Chief, needs to get married. Sokka does not want that, but he does need to get them off his back until he can figure his way out of it. What better way to do that than to pretend to date his best friend (and newly minted Ambassador to the Southern Water Tribe) Zuko? Seriously, this is a foolproof plan. Maybe one of Sokka's best. Absolutely nothing can go wrong.

this just in: sokka and zuko being oblivious makes me want to yell

this turned out a bit longer than i expected but it also doesn’t even cover all my favorites. i had to stop somewhere, or i’d be here forever. maybe i’ll make a part two someday.

anyway, enjoy!

have you seen ( holden lancaster, he/him )? they look a lot like ( bradley james ). the ( twenty-eight ) year old ( lifeguard ) is so ( enthusiastic, open-minded, and loving ) but i heard they can also be really ( impulsive, crude, and moody ). can you believe they’ve been in town for ( one year )?!

Hello, lovelies! I’m Liss and this is my baby, Holden. He’s been a character of mine for about seven or so years now, but I haven’t played him in a while so I’m incredibly excited to write him and to be here! You can find his long ass bio here and his stats here but I’m gonna write some highlights under the cut. I also have a ton of wanted connections that you can find here or under the cut as well! If you like any of my connection ideas or want to plot something else, message me or smash that like button!

tw: parent death/murder, drugs/alcohol, suicide mention

BACKGROUND:

- When Holden was two years old, his mother was murdered. It took ten years for them to figure out who the killer was--his father. Suddenly, his eighteen year old brother was in charge of a teenage Holden and their two younger siblings.

- While all four of them turned to some sort of vice, Holden’s was drugs and alcohol. It started with drinking more than he should, then smoking weed. Eventually that wasn’t enough and he began using harder drugs.

- When he was twenty, after an overdose that may or may not have been a suicide attempt--he doesn’t remember--he decided he needed a change of pace. He moved out on his own to a nearby town. It was there that things started to change.

- To start, he broke his promise to himself and decided to go see his dad, twice. Once to get his anger out, once to actually talk to him. He told his father about how he’d met the love of his life, a beautiful woman named Evan, and how they’d moved in together in just a few months and how he was ready to propose. 

- But Holden wasn’t as faithful as he thought he could be. He cheated on her with a mutual best friend, and fell in love with his best friend, Max. They were able to work through the cheating, and they got engaged.

- Around that time, they started talking about moving to New York. Evan wanted to be near her family and Holden wanted to run away from Max, so they agreed to go and moved shortly after.

- But the feelings didn’t go away, and the texting every day never stopped. Eventually, Holden had to tell Evan that he was in love with Max.

- They mutually decided to call off the engagement and go their separate ways, but Holden was absolutely heartbroken. He had vowed to Evan to stay clean, and he had for the most part succeeded, but once they separated he went right back to his old ways. He’s been an addict since he was fourteen.

- Now, a few years later, Holden has moved back to California and is trying to start a new life for himself. He has a place, a job, friends, an associate’s degree. But he’s still missing love. He has so much effing love to give, and he’d be happiest in a polyamorous partnership but doesn’t realize that polyamory is an option for him. He’s just worried that he’s already found his one true love and won’t ever be able to find true happiness.

PERSONALITY:

- Holden is flamboyant, enthusiastic, energetic. He’s always talking to people, he makes friends easily, and he has a genuinely good heart although he sometimes does stupid things. His humor is sarcastic, and he’ll flirt like crazy with anyone he finds remotely attractive. 

- He loves animals so, so much. He stops to pet and learn the name of pretty much every dog he sees. He has pets of all kinds. He wishes he could talk to animals.

- Is an absolute Hufflepuff. 

WANTED CONNECTIONS:

* all connections are open to all genders!

* connections with no specified age are open to all ages!

* for romantic connections–i do not write smut!

THE BEST FRIENDS // Holden is a really friendly guy, and usually pretty fun to be around, so I imagine he’d have quite a few. [0/∞]

THE CONFIDANTES // While he’s close with many people, these are the only people he completely opens up to. They know everything about his life. [0/2]

THE FORMER FRIEND // Someone he had a falling out with, likely while he was drunk or high as he can get kind of belligerent if he’s already in a bad mood. [0/1]

THE ROOMMATE(S) // Holden lives in an apartment or townhouse. He could be roommates with just about anyone from all walks of life. [0/1-2]

THE NEIGHBORS // Maybe they share milk, maybe they can’t stand each other. [0/4]

THE COUSINS // Most of Holden’s family lives in a different part of California, but I’d love for him to have some semblance of family in Carroll. [0/2]

THE BAD INFLUENCES // He needs some people to party with. He drinks and smokes weed a lot, but keep in mind he also does hard drugs and would likely either do them with these people or try to. [0/3]

THE GOOD INFLUENCE // The angel on Holden’s shoulder. This person knows about Holden’s ways and tries their best to keep him safe and out of trouble. [0/1]

THE EXES // In the year since Holden moved to Carroll, he’s had a few flings. Most ended because he can’t seem to settle down. [0/∞] (age 21-32)

THE FLIRTATIONSHIPS // Holden is a huge flirt. He doesn’t even necessarily have to be interested in dating or sleeping with someone to flirt with them. And he’ll flirt a lot. [0/∞] (age 21-32)

THE FWB // Holden doesn’t really have feelings for this person, but God are they good in bed. [0/1] (age 21-32)

THE TINDER MATCH // Someone Holden is talking to online, but they’re wanting to take it really slow so they haven’t met yet. They hit it off and text all the time. [0/1] (age 21-32)

THE MUSE // They come over to hang out and help Holden write his music, throwing out rhymes and giving him ideas. [0/1]

THE YOUNGER SIBLING FIGURE // Holden always felt protective of his younger siblings, and now that they’re not living together he misses that dynamic. (age < 27)

THE SWIMMING BUDDIES // Holden loves nothing more than swimming and the water, and they often join him. [0/2]

THE WINGMAN/WOMAN // A classic–they go out and help each other get dates (or get laid). [0/1]

THE DATE-NIGHT PARENTS // Holden will occasionally babysit for them, but only when the parent(s) is/are going out. It wouldn’t be a regular babysitting job. [0/∞]

THE DEALER // He’s gotta get the drugs from someone. He probably trusts them a lot. [0/1]

THE BLIND DATE // Someone Holden has never met, but has been set up on a blind date with by a mutual friend. [0/1] (age 21-32)

THE COWORKERS // Not sure where he works yet so this is pretty flexible. Could be another lifeguard, but if he’s working at a rec center or an apartment building or hotel something, they could have other positions there. [0/∞]

THE FELLOW MUSICIANS // They could just bond over music, but could also play together every once in a while. Holden plays guitar and piano and sings. [0/∞]

Week 1 - Challenges 1-3 (Kind Of)

@sailingthroughemotion - Jen and Realist This story is continued from the 2018 festival. Check out the #tsrf2018 tag on my blog, if you’re curious (but it’s not necessary).

Huo and I have been busy. And, no, not in that way. Although maybe not without that, but we’ve hardly got enough time to even put a second thought into that because our schedules are constantly jam-packed. 

Our winter was spent mostly coasting - my parents had left me a healthy amount of money which Huo and I split into improving his house a bit to accommodate for aging Jax, who was starting to get a bit fed up with the boarding life, and fixing up my motorcycle. It was enough to pay for electricity for a good while, so I opted for taking shorter shifts at the butcher’s so I could work more on the house and with Realist. He doesn’t get to sit after the race season like he had the year prior - any signs of previous injuries are nothing but distant memories, so I continued to work with him. He’s a young, healthy stallion - he could use the muscle and the brain food. After Huo’s final reconciliation with Blue, he has seemed to have gotten over his aversion to capaill, and after we put the finishing touches on Jax’s backyard resort, he even opted for using Realist as his “ranch” horse. It’s quite a sight to behold, really - a pint-sized capall under a slightly archaic Western saddle with a slightly too-tall Thisby islander settled onto him. I am quite relieved that Realist doesn’t throw a fit about the different saddle or the new rider. Huo does ride differently - he doesn’t play around and debate with Realist like I do, but rather just works with him straight on. It’s a functioning system and sometimes I find myself quite fond of how supple Realist is under a tom-thumb bit. Our spring was spent in a similar fashion, except Realist had become virtually Huo’s horse, and when I wasn’t at the shop or tuning the motorcycle, I was tending to Jax’s arthritic needs. During my brother’s visit, he acquired himself a horse with a distant capall lineage that was suitable for export and agreed to start working our family’s Thoroughbred farm again. Business was rolling in for them again, I guess, so I was welcome to the funds some more, meaning I could get some nicer riding gear and have enough to pay for the insane import prices on some of the supplements Jax desperately needed. Jax is a sweet old man - it’s easy to see how he and Huo have been coworkers for so long, and evening now and again I layer on a few extra blankets under my English saddle and take him for a spin around the pasture. He’s stiff and he doesn’t have the same dangerous energy that a capall does, but he’s still a pleasure to mess around with. Huo, too, hasn’t been empty-handed. When he’s not steering Realist through his sheep, he’s working on his truck, and if the truck is up and running, he’s coursing to Skarmouth and back to sell his wool and some of his lambs. I can definitely say that it’s been nice. We have a comfortable routine, and although sometimes it gets a bit monotonous, it’s at the very least a rhythm rather than chaos. I happen to be one of the few people on Thisby that can say that they have nothing to fear - the whole island may want me dead (it’s been proven every single time I’ve tried to step foot around the races), but as long as I am just living along with this hunk of grass and rock, topped with a generous amount of sand, I can most certainly say that I haven’t got a single thing to complain about. — My knuckles ache from writing with a piece of chalk all evening and I’ve lost count of how many names I’ve written down. A few of the men and women that recognize me ask me if I’m planning on taking another year off while a few of the boys and girls that don’t, look at my scars and ask me if I’ve ever ridden. I recount my evening to Huo as we lay sprawled on the bed, half-reading forgotten letters. Huo is unusually quiet. “I don’t think I’m going to waste my time this year,” I continue anyway, scoffing. “That stupid race has nearly cost me my life twice now and for what? Spare change?” More silence. And then, “I ran Realist this morning.” I can already tell where this one is going and I’m ready to roll my eyes when what he says next catches me completely off-guard. “Some passing couple recognized him.” “From what?” I furrowed my brow. It wasn’t uncommon to see capaill surface and disappear and surface again. I mostly hoped that it was from the races - I wouldn’t want somebody making claims about a horse they lost some number of years ago. “From when you trained Kaitlyn,” he said it so coldly that my heart almost jumped to my throat. I had never told him about Kaitlyn. I only turned back after crossing the finish line with the excuse that she had been ‘just someone I thought I recognized’; I only went ot her funeral under the guise of it having been a surprise shift at the butcher’s and that had been a public service, as most race-casualty services often were, so I didn’t recognize any of the people there. My hear began to beat loudly against my ribcage. “H-her parents?” I stammered. Huo gave me the barest of nods. “How did the find out?” My voice suddenly sounded small, timid. “Her diary,” Huo said with a dry laugh. “I’m sorry I kept it from you, Huo, I-” my breathing began to hitch in my throat - to live under one roof with a man and not tell him about the possibility of a horribly miscalculated risk… “That’s not what I’m…��� he exhaled through his nose and tried again. “That’s not the issue. They want an explanation. They want some kind of compensation.” “They’re trying to frame me for murder,” I said out-loud what I knew I never shoudl have. “Thisby laws protect capall owners, but they don’t protect trainers,” Huo continued. “No, hold on - do they think that I forced her to catch that thing?” I sat up, wild-eyed. “That’s not the point, Jen, you can’t just run head-first at this, listen to me,” he took a deep breath and slowly let it out. “You signed the entry form for her, didn’t you?” “Yes, but I-” “Her parents didn’t even know she was racing, Jen!” Huo’s voice was so thoroughly steeped with disappointment that I just wanted to fall through the floor then and there. “But she told me…” my eyes began to fill with tears of frustration. The cognitive dissonance between grieving for Kaitlyn’s death and wanting to blame her for what was slowly registering as the end of the world was tearing me apart. “She kept talking about her brother, and…” “She was an only child,” Huo’s voice softened a bit and he finally sat up and gathered me into his arms. For the first time in a while, he smelled of horse sweat. He really did run Realist. “She lied to you, she lief to her parents, she lied to everyone.” I began to sob like a small child. Not the usual polite, bottled anguish I would usually put myself through to make sure I was silent, but instead helpless, uncontrollable wailing. I was both terrified and awashed with a new wave of grief. Not for the blonde-haired girl with the determined eyes but for the big-withered raven black mare that had the heart to die for her. I thought of Realist and how he longed only for my company and not the lulls of the ocean. I thought of Jax and how many years he’s served and how little he probably has left. And Huo held me, and he let me cry, and let me cling to him like I was not his strong, equally grounded girlfriend, but like I was sickly, toddler-aged granddaughter. Once I felt like I could breathe again I got myself a glass of water and Huo and I stood like coast-worn statues in the darkness of the kitchen. “How much do they want as compensation?” I managed, trying not to hide my disgust at the fact at calling monetary value ‘compensation’ for a human life. “Some… twenty thousand, thirty?” he scratched the back of his head. “Good lord,” I smiled, although I didn’t know why. “And if we - if I don’t pay it back…?” This was my problem, not Huo’s, if I hadn’t thought to tell him of this earlier, why should I have to drag him into it now? “They’re taking it to the mainland court. They family’s not from Thisby.” “Fucking Christ!” I exclaimed, feeling the animalistic urge to shatter the cup I was holding but somewhere deep inside, my sensible, grounded, equestrian self pulled back on the reins. — The road to Skarmouth that night felt like the road to purgatory. Most lights were off or dimmed, only the caterwaul of distant capaill and the perpetual crashing of waves gracing the stillness. I unlocked the back of the butcher’s and carefully snuck my way behind the counter desipte knowing that I was the only one there. I felt a deep need for secrecy, for if anyone found out the real reason I was actually putting my life on the line in these island games again, I’d die of shame alone - to hell with sea monsters and cliffs. I took the chalk in my still-aching hand and added an extra line: “Jen - Realist”. And just for good luck, I threw some coins into the betting jar with my name on it that I had kept from last year, just for good luck. The coins hit the bare glass walls with a hollow, resounding clatter. I needed all the good luck I could get this year.

2020: Who Saw THIS Coming?

Remember when I retired from blogging?

I actually did retire, except, I consider this little corner of the Internet -- MY corner -- to be a place where I document the big stuff. I told you about my engagement and then came back several months later to recap my wedding. Remember that? The wedding that THANKFULLY occurred in late 2019 before the world turned to shit??

Yeah. You know what happened. “The pandemic.” “The virus.” “Covid.” Covid-19″ (I personally prefer the first five Covids; I feel like they really fell off after that). “CORONAVIRUS.” 

THE DUMPSTER FIRE THAT IS...2020.

Suuuuuuuuure, good ol’ Rona robbed Leo and me of our Italian honeymoon, but aside from that? We were able to squeeze in all kinds of fun things in good ol 2019 -- oh how I miss you, 2019 -- and have an unforgettable year. This year is proving to be unforgettable too -- just, ya know -- in like, a traumatizing sorta way.

Anyway, as I was saying, I have to document the big stuff on here. I imagine myself reading and looking back on this blog like an old, embarrassing diary (hell, I do it already) (the dating posts make me want to die) and who can omit THIS chapter? It’s got it all: a deadly virus, racially fueled riots and protesting, social injustice, a deranged madman in the oval office, and... MURDER HORNETS?

exactly. 

So rather than write out a whole long thing about my experience in 2020, I thought I’d break it down by month, starting in March. I’m going to be documenting the good, the BAD (there’s a decent amount of that), and anything new that transpired in that time frame. Did I take up any hobbies? Start baking sourdough? I guess you’ll find out. 

Let’s start with: 

MARCH. 

The good. There was immediately a novelty to this whole Covid-19 thing. In the first half of the month I was commuting, going to work in my NYC office, and doing my usual amount of social things on weekends. When it was decided in mid-March that we’d have to work and stay home for a “bit” (lol), there was something exciting about it. We made jokes about social distancing and masks and had cutesy puns for “quarantining.” We hit the ground RUNNING with Zoom calls/video chats. There was something fun and exhilarating about all this.

The bad. People I KNOW got this virus. People I know LOST people to this virus. My Grandma’s health took a turn and things did not look good, but I couldn’t go see her. Shit, I didn’t see ANYONE except Leo, and even he was going to work in his office every day. I had to get used to this abrupt abundance of...alone time. 

What’s new? I’ve always taken to social media as a creative outlet, but I QUICKLY started using it more -- and differently -- once things in the world got hairy. I treated my Instagram like my one gateway to the outside world, because it was: I surveyed my followers and asked how they were doing. I took silly videos talking to myself in the mirror. I wrote long captions on my photos letting everyone know what my experience was like. I tried to entertain those who were stuck at home, as I was, and needing an escape. 

Oh, and ya know... Tiger King.

APRIL.

The good. The weather was getting nicer, so Leo and I took advantage and often went for walks around our complex and even a local trail/preserve in our town. We started doing “lawn visits” to see our families from a distance, and that helped. For two people who were used to seeing their ‘people’ regularly, 3-4 weeks of not seeing them took a toll. I also started doing “Grateful April” on Instagram, where I shared a few things each day that made me happy/appreciative. Some followers of mine followed suit, which was awesome to see. 

The bad. Hmm, I think all this sitting and lack of moving is hurting my back? (#foreshadowing). Also, ENOUGH with the Zoom calls and “virtual happy hours,” for the LOVE OF GOD! Oh, and that “novelty” I mentioned in March? That wore off quickly, and a lot of us started to feel weird, sad, isolated, uneasy, unproductive and stir-crazy. Myself included.

We were also reminded that this was the month we were supposed to depart for our honeymoon. Ugh.

What’s New? I did some arts & crafts (I painted ceramic bowls I bought from Target), gave myself a mediocre pedicure, found new/creative ways to engage and interact with folks on social media (polls, asking questions like “what’s in your Amazon cart?” and “who sponsors your quarantine?”), and got to see what it was like to have a husband with hair. I also discovered my love of tie-dye and wore...a lot of it. 

Oh, and I was on CBS news talking about screen time. Iconic. 

MAY.

The good. The weather got summer-like and I definitely felt a MAJOR shift in my mood. Leo and I spent more time outside on our deck: listening to music, making margaritas, talking to neighbors. I even took work calls outside and got some much-needed Vitamin D. I had my first real “beach days” (bathing suit, chair and all). I started to FINALLY see my family in person; first, outside only -- and then eventually indoors.  

The bad. Ahmaud Arbery. George Floyd, obviously. Dumb-dumbs protesting the lock-down and demanding haircuts. CLEARLY more to come on this. (See: June)

Oh, and my back pain? WAY worse.

What’s new? Some more arts and crafts: I started painting shells I found on the beach (lol).  I bought a pair of Crocs and documented the most absurd series on social media where I paired the heinous footwear with items that rhymed (Crocs & socks, Crocs & shamrocks, Crocs & botox...you get the idea.) I experimented with a few new recipes (made lemon poppy muffins & homemade vodka sauce). I re-watched Mad Men and it made me miss my office and coworkers. 

JUNE. A rough one. 

The good. We started doing more social things with our families: BBQs, celebrating Father’s Day, our nephew’s baptism. Doing this truly felt like “normalcy” and in those moments, we’d forget about all the garbage going on around us. I also decided (yes, after 3 friggin months of lock-down) that I needed to start exercising; something I needed for my physical AND mental health. I thought it could help my back -- which, yes, was feeling worse as time went on -- and it did make me feel good to spend a little time each day walking, jogging, lifting weights and just MOVING. 

The bad. Um? Everything? For starters, the racial tension in the country came to a head and erupted in a MAJOR way -- and while the protests and all the #BlackLivesMatter movements were a positive thing, it absolutely brought out the WORST in so many others. There was rioting, looting and violence. Racism ran RAMPANT. Karens went wild. “Covidiots” were ENRAGED about being told to wear masks. There was police brutality and a President who threw fuel into the fire. Tensions and emotions were at an all-time high and we all got a harsh dose of reality that this country has SO FAR TO GO in regards to equality and civil rights and even basic human decency. I was -- and still am -- sad for this country.

Also? I finally went for an MRI on my back and found out I have two herniated discs; well THAT certainly helps explain things! Shortly after, I pull my back out entirely, and could not walk or move. The pain is excruciating; debilitating and I think, “can things get any worse?” and then...

My Grandma passes away. 

It hurts. It still does. It was inevitable -- as death is, especially given her age and health condition at the time -- but it still felt like taking a bullet. I will always be grateful that I was able to get to see her one day before she passed away to say goodbye, but it’s hard not to be resentful that she didn’t get the memorial service and send-off she so deserved because of the pandemic.

(Side note: read about my amazing Grandma HERE)

In short, June sucked.

What’s new? We got a new stationary bike and set it up outside on the deck which was awesome, and I ended the month getting some epidural shots at the spine doctor. While the (strong) meds and injections didn’t exactly *cure* my issue, they made things a LOT better. Leo and I also drove into NYC (my first time there in MONTHS!) so I could go get my migraine Botox treatment at my neurologist. 

I voted by mail (which is not fraudulent, by the way) (#eyeroll) in the NY Primary. 

I also got not one, but TWO, amazing rainbows the week my grandmother passed away. I needed those, and I’d like to think she knew that.

JULY.

The good. More beach days and some consistent amazing weather (thanks, Mother Nature!). I started seeing a chiropractor twice a week and quickly respond REALLY WELL to treatment and start feeling a lot better. I put things into perspective and realize how lucky I am to live where I do -- on the beach -- and get to enjoy all this newfound free time doing things I enjoy. We also celebrate some family birthdays and have a small family gathering in honor of our beloved Dorothy. 

Have you noticed that “seeing family” always ends up in my “good” section?

The bad. Naya Rivera died unexpectedly, John Lewis died, REGIS died. Our President remains as unhinged as ever, we desperately want to #FreeBritney, and Kanye West has a really sad, scary and concerning, uh, episode. He’s also running for President, maybe? Or not? On a personal note, Leo and I tried to eat dinner on the beach one night and LIT-rally got attacked by seagulls. Weeks later, bull sharks are spotted in the ocean RIGHT WHERE WE LIVE, and they prohibit swimming. 

What’s new? Hamilton on Disney+: need I say more? The fig tree that’s been on our deck for three summers FINALLY started to grow figs! I re-watched Broad City and it is just... *chef’s kiss* perfection. Taylor Swift releases her album ‘folklore’ and I listen on repeat for seven days straight.

AUGUST.

Well, who knows? We’re not there yet. 2020 has certainly been a ride (and it’s not over yet; dear GOD), and I still can’t believe it ended up being this insane year, unlike anything I’ve EVER experienced. And while it undoubtedly has come with its fair share of challenges, it has also come with some blessings.

I have all this extra time now and I make a point to use it productively (most days). I log off from working and go outside, I walk the beach, go in our complex pool, ride the stationary bike, catch up with friends/family on the phone, read, and watch/re-watch shows.

The commute and hustle and bustle of every day in my pre-pandemic life would make me stressed and anxious; I was constantly snoozing alarm clocks, rushing in the mornings, dealing with overcrowded/delayed trains, and getting home late each night. 

Life has become slower, in a good way, and it’s made me appreciate the simple things. I care less about material things and more about the basics: enjoying nice weather/the outdoors, my home, my husband, my family and close friends.

I genuinely stopped caring about getting my hair and nails done, going out to dinner, getting dolled up, or traveling. Don’t get me wrong: I enjoy all these things and I’ll of course do them again, but this whole situation made me realize that what I need *most* in this world are the simple joys that money can’t buy.

And for that? I’m grateful. 

*stay safe, friends.*

Kevin Cage of @spotlightsaga reviews… Ru Paul’s Drag Race (S09E03) Draggily Ever After Airdate: April 7, 2017 @vh1 @wowreport Ratings: 0.673 Million :: 0.3 18-49 Demo Share Score: 4.5/10

**********SPOILERS BELOW*********

Finally! An episode we can all sink our teeth into. No, this isn’t a ‘Drag Race’ best… But we’re finally starting to see who has that special something to make it to the latter half of this competition and who doesn’t. Slowly but surely the stakes are raising and the stars are rising to the top. 'Draggily Ever After’ as an episode and as an overall challenge knows exactly where it is in the competition. There are still weak ones and performers that aren’t fully realized as full on Drag Queens left in the competition, so the challenge is basic… But it demands the Queens to realize a concept and reach into their bag of tricks and show us their artistic side by having the contestants create Princess characters that are accompanied by an original sidekick and threaded together by a short storyline.

Everyone has their strengths and weaknesses, but it looks like, for the most part, that Eureka, Nina Bo'Nina Brown, Sasha Velour, Trinity Taylor and Valentina are all front runners for their own reasons. Shea Couleé could be a dark horse in the competition… And the judges seem to be pulling Peppermint in to praise her for something outside of this competition, as if Peppermint has established herself and put in work and therefore automatically deserves a little bit of spotlight and praise. I get it and I don’t get it. I just know I’m not looking at a winner. Charlie Hides does runway well, but the total package isn’t strong with this one. For some reason I can’t ever remember who Alexis Michelle is, was, or anything about her. It’s true I take a Xanax or two, but I’m going to need this girl to shine and soon. Maybe she just hasn’t had the met the right challenge yet? If someone or something doesn’t make an impression on me I can literally turn around, walk two steps, and completely forget they exist. What were we talking about again?

I hate that Drag Race is on Friday’s now. The weekend is not when I do my best writing as I’m always tired, running around, bartending or serving for extra money or trying to get an extra piece or two worked on for a printed publication or wherever I can fit in. Last week in my review on RPDR, I fumbled some words about the show of which Lisa Kudrow was quoting, it didn’t change the fact that she was one the show for 20 seconds to just say lines from one show that she did. They did say 'The Comeback’ in the show, and unfortunately I’m unable to post edit something I post on TVShowTime and I apologize for the mistake and it was corrected outside of this platform, but understand that I really try to come from a good place… And no, the show she was quoting didn’t change how I felt about the segment. Please don’t tell me to 'calm down’ or 'relax’, I am writer at heart and whether I’m making money or not, I love this community, you see what I write first, and it’s you who really get to see the true me, sans about 5 people in this world who I know are the definition of a 'real friend’, and only one of them lives here in South Florida. I am exhausted right now, I’ve been up since 5am yesterday morning working and I really hope that I can convey this next topic with the compassion and sincerity that I normally am able to convey with ease (just not Friday-Sunday).

As a Floridian, who had friends and co-workers in Orlando during the Pulse Massacre, this is a very difficult place for me to revisit, even with the amount of time we’ve all had to process what happened. I’ve been in a gay relationship for over 11 years now. I’m a natural born hustler in many aspects, I’ve always had multiple jobs, multiple passion projects, and for a good 3-4 years I was a 'Male Dancer’ in one of the most notorious Gay Strip Clubs in Ft Lauderdale, FL. I’ve always been on the outside of the gay scene, I never felt like I belonged, and that’s because I don’t, and that’s ok. During my time working there, I made a lot of friends that I never thought I would make. My intention was to go in, get money, and get the fuck out. I thought I had nothing in common with a lot of these people and hung with the other 'straight’ dancers at the club at first. I quickly found myself bored with those 'straight’ co-workers (no offense, trust me they were vapid and always overcompensating for something they lacked beyond physical beauty) and suddenly found myself very much amused at the more quirky, flamboyant boys who came to play. They were all hot messes, yes, but in a 'Party Monster’ type of way, you know… Before the whole murder…errr… Manslaughter twist ending.

There’s always been a huge part of me that has been terrified to seem anything less than masculine, even though my personality is very much 'over-the-top’, I’m haunted with the memories of my parents scolding and shaming me for a brief moment of 'sounding gay’ or displaying a trait that they found too telling. Suddenly I was worlds away from that feeling and those people (who I do love and know did have good intentions, just an ignorant approach) and I was meeting some of the most impactful and beautiful people who were very proudly 'gay’, something I had always equated with 'exploiting for money’ or 'shameful’. These over-the-top Latin and Black young men took a stubborn, scared strawberry blonde boy who was allowing myself to be the “token 'soulless ginger’ with a thick ass and athletic legs” and helped me shed the fear of just letting go and being 100% me. They really showed me how to live my life to the fullest in a way I didn’t know was possible. That chapter in my life is very much over now. You won’t my find me in gay clubs anymore, and my other safe haven, the rave scene, is long dead (since 2003/2004), and now I may attend a music festival once or twice a year if my schedule permits it… But I wouldn’t trade my experience with those incredibly amazing human beings for anything in the world and I try to take what they taught me with me everywhere I go and apply it to anything and everything. One of those people I lost to suicide, and no there was no 13-tapes to listen to afterwards, because suicide is an ugly spurt of the moment thing.

Not everyone is right for the strip club, it takes a special kind of damaged mess to navigate that world… But there were several young, unbelievably strong young men who showed me something beyond that for a few years… And I’m incredibly blessed to have a partner who knew I needed that experience and allowed me to do whatever I wanted, never wanting to impede on my personal growth, but still always put up somewhat of a fight… For good measure.

That 'safe place’ that Cynthia Fontaine talked about, I know that place, and the thought of a single man barging in one of those places with an AK where people are able to discover a different meaning and break the general mold of what is or isn’t 'the social and societal norm’ and gunning down as many people as possible rips my inner core into a million pieces. The night that it happened, I called my friends and coworkers in Orlando, over and over and over, wondering if they were alive… Wondering how something like this could happen.

Growing up with the bravery to admit that sexuality and gender isn’t as 'paint by numbers’ as everyone wants it so desperately to be is difficult, especially when you are a leader and you bear that cross during difficult times like middle and high school. Once you make it out of high school, it does in fact 'get better’, but now we have to face something like this… In a place that’s supposed to be designed to celebrate our freedom, a place that allows a select few a unique chance to come of age for a second time around… But instead that 'safe place’ was used as a hunting ground. People were lined up and shot one by one, bullets and blood, tears and pain staining the air with a stench of terror and death as good people who had amazing hearts and the ability to heal and teach and love and change people’s lives for the better… It’s impossible to truly make sense of… And something a fucking hashtag on social media will only stain further.

What we heard between Trinity and Cynthia was a real conversation about the direct effect it had on two people’s lives… Two people that were technically removed from the nightmare, but still very much a part of it in a very real way. It’s something we will never escape as human beings, as sexually free human beings and it’s fucking terrifying. Sasha urged everyone not to be scared to go out and live your life, and I don’t have the answers or the ability to even offer up a solution because I don’t ducking know why there are people in this world who want something like this to happen. I’m glad that I was able to experience the rave scene pre-9/11/2001 and the Florida Gay Nightlife pre-6/12/2016. I hate that people are scared to go out now, scared that someone could shoot up a nightclub, or drive a truck into a fair, or set off a bomb, or snipe people at a concert, but I don’t blame them… Fuck I’m scared to just ride the metrorail or congregate in a large crowd.

And on that note, I’m going to move back to the competition. I didn’t expect this very real, very fresh moment at the time to be captured on camera and shot straight forward, without the usual tongue-in-cheek editing the show is known for. They just really served up a raw recount of how these acts of terror, particularly this one on the LGBTQ 🏳️‍🌈 community affects us all, even if we weren’t inside that building holding a strangers hand, hoping to see tomorrow. Let’s move on… Because we have to… Because the world will keep moving even if we don’t…

The lip sync? Aja might paint like a clown, but it was clear there is something genuine inside of him… A fire that does burn for a win. She gave us a fun, energetic lip sync, especially compared to her direct competition, that screamed 'Give me another shot!’ Unfortunately that look, that concept, and that sidekick he created was indeed a pun that neither Ru, nor any of the judges, nor I can resist to crack… A PRINCESS DISASTAH!!! Aja is young and anti-glossy, the latter of which her Brooklyn Drag Sister used to her advantage in S8. Thorgy Thor gave us a purposeful unpolished polish and we ate it up. Aja just isn’t there yet, but I want her to be. It’s clear that there is talent and great ideas mixed up in this mess, and if you can’t see that then surely the good intentions are plain to see. Like Farrah Moan, he needs another 3 years or so to understand who he is. It’s not always about 'honing your craft’, even though that’s definitely a part of it, and that’s proved by Valentina who’s turning it out in the top group consistently now in the most spectacular of ways. Age may be just a number, but life experience and raw talent counts for something major… And at this point in Aja’s career, I think that’s exactly what’s lacking to make the package complete. He’ll get there tho, I’m sure of it.

Guess I won’t be eating my words… Will I, Kimora? Like I said last week, the only reason I believe Kimora was given a pass to stay was because Jaymes Mansfield was so damn terrified. I try to stay away from negativity, but Kimora doesn’t really bring the best out of anyone including herself. It’s that nasty attitude…She transparently played the 'dumb blonde’ (I guess in 2017 we call that 'Playing Kardashian’, but I have no reason to insult any of those women), and that overly confident schtick doesn’t translate when there is no substance or clever angle to back it up… Kimora is no Willam Belli. I know stupid, I’ve stared at it directly in the face… And even stupid knows what adjectives are. I just don’t buy it. Kimora is the product of a generation that eats, drinks, shits, and dreams of reality television… But this is reality tv competition and we see that you are attempting to play a part, and not even well. You wasted a spot. You sent Jaymes Mansfield home and as scared as that little bugger was, he was certainly more promising and more talented. I’m not being mean here, I’m being real. There was nothing fun about watching Kimora Blac and this is literally the last sentence I will ever write about him.

Thanks for reading. I know this was a long one. And yes, I think taking the time to share my views of the show as well as compare and contrast my life experiences was worth it, especially since we were able to cover Pulse, it’s aftermath, and what it means to me. This will be edited down as it moves to other platforms, but I think that you and you and you who have read this all the way through are worth my time and every word on this page, as ridiculously fucking long as it is. Spotlight Saga is my baby, my brand that I’m moving forward as my own online publication, who better to give the most honest and passionate piece of myself to than you?

remote work bait-and-switch, changing clothes in the office bathroom, and more

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My boss said I could work from anywhere — but keeps telling me to come into the office

I started a new job about six months ago. The company is based in City A, and I live far away (multi-hour flight, different time zone far) in City B. My manager, “Jane,” also lives here in City B, but we are it; everyone else is in City A or near to it. When I was hired, Jane said she didn’t care where I worked from as long as things got done, which was great as I prefer working from home. In reality, Jane has been limiting my work from home days to twice a week despite being impressed with me and all of my work. We each have an office in a co-working space, and even when we’re both in, we very rarely speak to each other (because it’s not necessary and she is very busy).

Twice now I’ve asked if there is any issue with my work. She says no, everything is fine. And there’s never been a work-related reason to ask me to come in to the office.

Do you have any insight into this? Jane has repeated her “doesn’t matter where you work from” philosophy a few times since my hiring interview, but I’m confused by the disconnect when it comes to putting it into practice. Usually what happens is I’ll say “I’ll be working from home tomorrow” and she says “Actually, I want you to come into the office.” I oblige but privately I am very annoyed. Working flexibly and remotely was a big plus in taking this job. I’m regularly contacted by recruiters and I’m getting tempted to start looking because I feel this was a bit of a bait and switch.

Talk to her more directly. Asking if there’s an issue with your work is too subtle a way to get at this; you need to explicitly say something like, “When I was hired, you said I could work from wherever I wanted as long as work got done. That was one of the reasons I accepted the job. You’ve been asking me to come in around three days a week, and I’m trying to figure out if something has changed since you hired me. Do you have concerns about my work or my productivity when I’m at home?” See what she says to that and be prepared to say, “I’d like to be able to go by that initial agreement, which was a key factor in me coming on board, and just come in when there’s a specific need for me to be here in person on a given day.”

2. Changing into biking clothes in the office bathroom

I’m in my first job as an HR assistant. Many people in the organization are similarly young and we’re generally pretty casual. I have been wondering about the social norms around changing outfits in the bathroom.

One of the great joys I’ve found since starting my job is biking home from work. I usually put my bike on a bus in the morning (wearing my work clothes) and change to bike back. We don’t have another space I could change other than the women’s bathroom. There is a bike room in the building, but anyone can enter at any time and I normally run into a male bike commuter every time I’m there.

People definitely change sometimes in the bathroom (I notice someone doing it like once a month), but if I had my way I’d be biking 2-3 days a week. Are there any tips for what I should and should not do? Am I overthinking this?

Changing in the bathroom is fine and normal! Use a stall so that coworkers aren’t walking in on you in your underwear (don’t be these people), but it’s totally fine to change in the bathroom.

3. My manager showed me a graphic, violent video

Warning: graphic violent content below

I work as a banquet server at a large hotel and convention center. Yesterday, my manager, Fergus, approached me while I was setting up for an event and said. “Come look at this video, this wife cheated on her husband!” and proceeded to show me a real-life video on his phone of a man being brutally murdered and cut into pieces by a machete while the wife looked on and tried to stop the attack (her husband attacking her lover). Disgusted, I said “What the f***!” and walked away. I later saw him proceed to show the video to nearly every other server working. I did hear him preface the video before showing it to other people by asking, “Are you okay with gory things?” after he showed it to me. My issue isn’t really with the gore, though that’s not really appropriate either, it’s with the violence. Lots of people are not squeamish and would probably say “yes” to that question because they don’t mind watching gory things in the context of a scene from a horror movie (which is fake) or a medical/surgery video (where someone is most likely being helped, not hurt), but wouldn’t want to watch a real person getting murdered.

How should I address it now, after the fact? Should I bring it up with him, his boss, or HR? I think what he did was really inappropriate, but I don’t want to get too involved or be the reason he loses his job.

What the hell? That’s extremely disturbing and inappropriate for work.

It’s unlikely he’s going to get fired over this; a stern talking-to and warning is far more likely. But if for some reason he did get fired, you would be the reason for that — his own behavior would be. (But again, unlikely, unless this is part of a pattern.)

So yeah, please talk to his boss, if she’s someone who addresses problems forthrightly, or HR if she’s not. Since he’s your manager, you want someone with some authority over him to handle this.

4. I’m being demoted after resigning

I’m a director of a department and when I resigned yesterday with three weeks notice, my boss told me that they are going to combine another related department with mine and have that department’s director take over as director of the newly-combined department. They asked that I wait several days to announce my resignation to colleagues so that they have time to solidify the transition plan.

Now, my boss is saying that later this week, they will put the combined departments into effect and I will be demoted from director to a lower-level position with a pay cut — and I’ve found out through other channels that there will be a meeting tomorrow to present the reorg plan to the rest of the management team (excluding me) and that they’re positioning it as that I’ve quit in response to the impending demotion. In addition to feeling like this situation is pretty messed up and terrible for my reputation, taking the demotion will have financial consequences on my unused vacation payout (which is a fairly substantial amount).

I’m wondering what the most elegant response would be in this situation — should I announce my resignation to my colleagues now to try to get ahead of the weird spin being placed on this? Or is that going to just add fuel to the fire? And is there any professional way to combat the demotion at this point? I’ve offered to remain in place to train my successor and aid in the transition, but the demotion wasn’t part of the deal — am I better off rescinding the notice period of my resignation and quitting before it takes effect?

What on earth? Even if this was already in the works when you resigned, there’s no reason not to just let you work out your notice period with your same title and pay rate. Something is really rotten here.

If you can afford to leave right away (and not have it affect your vacation time pay-out — which it might; check your company’s policies if you don’t live in a state that mandates it regardless), I would say this: “I gave you three weeks notice because I wanted to help with the transition. But I can’t stay on if you’re cutting your pay. If you’re able to leave me at my current title and pay through my notice period, I’d be glad to do that. But I can’t agree to a pay cut, so if there’s no flexibility there, I’d need to move up my last day to before that takes effect.”

And yeah, I would ignore their request to keep it quiet for now and start letting people know so that you have more control over the narrative.

5. Should I apply through every website where a job is posted?

I’m currently job searching. In my industry, there are four major websites where jobs are posted. It’s not unusual for me to see the same job posted on two or more of those sites. If I see a job I’m interested in, I’ll just apply for it wherever I see it posted first.

Recently, I was talking to a friend about my job search, and he suggested that if I’m interested in a job, I should apply everywhere I see it posted. His reasoning was that if I apply multiple times, I’m showing that I’m really interested, and that I’m seriously searching.

I’m not sure I agree with his reasoning. I’d think submitting once would show that I’m interested and seriously searching well enough. I’d also worry that applying multiple times would reflect poorly on me. Maybe hiring managers would assume I applied multiple times on accident because I lack attention to detail, or wasn’t being thoughtful about applications. What do you think? Is it better to submit 1 solid application, or multiple applications through different websites?

Do not do that. Your friend’s advice is weird.

Applying multiple times doesn’t make you look extra interested; it makes you look like you’re applying to a zillion companies and didn’t remember you’d already applied for this job. Or if it’s clear you’re doing it intentionally, then it looks really pushy, and like you think it’s okay to clutter up their application system (and annoy them) in order to show “gumption.”

You show interest by applying, which you already did.

Don’t take job search advice from that friend.

You may also like:

company agreed I could telecommute — and then changed their mind once I started the job

how productive should you be on a day you’re working from home?

should I invite my lonely intern over for dinner?

remote work bait-and-switch, changing clothes in the office bathroom, and more was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.

from Ask a Manager http://bit.ly/2UQ70js



With just two days before vacation, Spencer was optimistic about the weekend before her.  She and John had scored a night alone together only once or twice since Rhys was born in May of 2016 and it was high time she and John found who /they/ were once again, outside of the boys, just the two of them.  She knew the trip was going to take its toll on the both of them as they were so heavily vested in their boys and the family dynamic, but at the end of the day, none of it worked if they weren’t connected to one another entirely on a different plane than what parenthood provided.  Before Rhys was born, it was just the two of them and their dog, Scrappy.  But within a few weeks of Rhys’ birth, they brought River to live with them and went from just the two of them to the four of them nearly overnight.  The both of them adjusted to things quickly and found a seamless pattern to it all, juggling life with two kids under two quite well, considering.  But now it was time to recharge.

Or so she thought.

Just after breakfast on Tuesday morning, Spencer was standing in the kitchen, washing the dishes while John changed diapers and got Rhys down for a nap.  River would get his time with his dad while Spencer cleaned up the breakfast mess, then they’d be at it again for lunch when both boys would take a nap and she and John would have about two hours to recharge their own batteries before the evening rush.  Evenings were her favorite.  This was when they’d have dinner, play outside, go for a walk, watch television together, read books.  It was almost like the end of the day held the most magic for Spencer and she couldn’t wait for it each and every day.  But as she dried off the last dish from breakfast, her cell phone rang on the end of the counter.  Not expecting it to be much of anything, figuring only that maybe Judas had finally gotten around to calling her about the plans for the weekend, she made her way to the phone to find a name displayed on the caller I.d. that she did not expect.  ‘Sergeant Matthews.’  She drew a deep breath, prepared to hear on the other end that he needed her in for yet /another/ round of interrogation.  

“Sergeant Matthews,” she stated in greeting, clearing her voice just after his name, looking over at John there in the living room with the boys on the sofa where diaper changing was taking place before Rhys would go upstairs for his nap, fully expecting to hear that interrogation was needed, again.  That she’d be asked a sea of questions that she would repeat the same answers to over, and over, and over again.  Already planning on telling him she couldn’t come in until after 1 p.m. for the interrogation and that she had to be out by 3 p.m.  

’Detective Reese—James,’ he offered, correcting himself as almost two years later, half the department still struggled with her name change.  ‘I have some news for you in the case of your husband’s attempted murder.  You have been cleared of all charges and are expected to report back to work this evening.’  His voice was sharp and professional, just as it always was.  Unfeeling without congratulations or apology for the hell he had put her through over the last eight months.  Spencer swallowed hard, not sure she’d heard him right, and yet it was right there.

“This evening?  But that’s not my normal shift,” she offered, surprise there in her voice as she tried to understand what was going on while not entirely sure how she felt about it at all.  If she was to be reinstated, she’d expected that it would be on her shift with her partner, not running beat in the middle of the night.  Unless this was some way to make her pay for being out when it wasn’t her doing in the slightest, she wasn’t sure, but she was no grunt cop and she wasn’t about to start now.  If she was losing her shift and her partner, then she’d be damn near willing to lose the badge as well.  

‘I realize.  Turns out we’re short tonight and we’ll need you to pull the overnight and a partial tomorrow.  You’ll be with Wilcox tonight and Ryan in the morning and then return to your regular shifts Thursday with Detective Ryan.’  Hearing him explain things to her, he seemed less than impressed that the woman would throw her weight in the manner that she did, yet he’d answer her just as professionally as he had a moment before, laying out for her how it would be and what would happen here without any fear that the woman would fire back.  It was take it or leave it and he didn’t much care what the wife of a criminal chose to do here as his trust in her was weak at best and he still didn’t consider her completely innocent in the case that had taken up too much of the department’s resources for that time period.  

“Sergeant, with all due respect, Thursday is out of the question for me.  I have plans to go out of town this weekend and they’re nonrefundable.”

‘Then I suggest you buy vacation time from one of your coworkers.  I didn’t see a request on my desk, therefore you are not granted time off.  Your shift starts at five, Detective.  Don’t be late.’

A moment later, the line went dead before Spencer could say a word.  She drew the phone down from her ear, placing it on the counter as she stood frozen for a moment, needing to think over what just happened.  She drew a slow breath, replaying parts of the conversation in her head as she worked it through.  The case had broke.  All charges that were previously split between herself and her father were now pinned solely on him.  She hadn’t been too worried that they’d get her for anything as she knew she had no involvement in what had happened to John almost a year prior, but she didn’t realize she’d be reinstated and put back to work so promptly either.  

Meeting John’s eyes from behind the kitchen counter, looking out towards him there in the living room as Rhys’ diaper change was completed, she wasn’t sure how much of that conversation John had heard and how much of it he was unable to hear over River and his Paw Patrol, but either way, the words had to come from her.  She came around the counter, making her way to the sofa where she sat down, feeling slightly weak from the blow of it all.  She knew she could buy the time off for the weekend as most detectives would be willing to trade double pay for the extra shifts and she imagined that John could take care of it for them if she didn’t have enough in her own savings, but that wasn’t the part that was sticking her.  It was the rest.  

Sitting down beside him, her eyes said it all as it wasn’t another call asking her to come in for more interrogation that usually sent the woman into an angry rant.  This was something else entirely.  This wasn’t altering the plans for the afternoon.  This was altering the plans indefinitely.  On one hand, she knew they needed the money.  She knew this was who she was and she knew there were benefits to having her on the inside to keep John on the outside, but even then, it didn’t seem real to her.  Slipping her hand over to John’s thigh, she leaned back against the sofa as River spotted her there in the living room.  ‘Ma!’ he cried out, not adding the typical ‘Ma Spen’ that had been coming forth from the boy for the last couple of months.  Tears welled in her eyes as the boy called her just ‘Ma’ for the first time as she drew him up into her lap.  Running her fingertips through the back of his hair that needed a trim, she looked over at John, hit with the emotion of River’s expression as she pressed her lips to the top of his head.

For several minutes, she sat in silence, breathing in the boy that sat on her lap with her lips pressed to the top of his head, feeling entirely connected to the child as she always had, yet it was somehow amplified with the smallest alteration in his speech.  Nearly twenty minutes passed between the time she had sat down and now before she’d finally meet John’s eyes again.  Knowing he knew there was something there, but not knowing yet what it was, she couldn’t find the words to tell him that she’d be returning to work that night.  She couldn’t figure out how she was going to tell him or River that she wouldn’t be home for dinner or a walk or outside playtime.  She wouldn’t be able to read the boys bedtime stories or tuck them in or even crawl into bed with John.  She wouldn’t be able to do pancakes in the morning and dance with River to Paw Patrol.  She wouldn’t be able to get up with the boys in the middle of the night for Rhys’ midnight snack or River’s 3 a.m. need for his show in her computer.  She didn’t know how to say any of it after having all of it for the last eight months or so.

With her hand to John’s thigh, she tightened her grip slightly, meeting his eyes with tears in her own.  Rhys had since fallen asleep on John’s shoulder and River was leaning into Spencer’s chest like he knew something was wrong there.  She drew another slow breath, in through her nose as she attempted to find the words that just weren’t coming to her.  Swallowing hard, there was no other way to say it than to just say it.

“I’m reinstated.  I report tonight at 5 and I’ll be pulling one and a half.  Home by lunchtime tomorrow.”

Not only did this mean she missed everything, but it meant that she was put into the line of fire for the first time since their son was born, for the first time since they got custody of River.  It meant she couldn’t promise she’d be home by lunch tomorrow.  It meant she couldn’t make a single promise ever again for anything.  It meant that tomorrow might never come.  Biting at her lower lip, she’d never felt fear in her job, not ever.  She’d never felt that feeling of ‘what if’ in regards to something happening.  She’d never felt sorry that she had to go to work before.  But now, she was feeling it all.  Sadness, fear, and most of all, guilt.

John James John James Admittedly, there wasn’t a whole lot he was hearing over the soundtrack of their living room. Between the babbling sing along of his eldest and the actual backing track on the TV. The best he could pick up was the tension in her voice. The woman had a stare like hooks digging into his skin and he swore he could feel that glance through walls. Getting his onesie secured, the little boy was all legs as his father set him back upright and watch him take off like a wound up toy too long restrained. Running towards the television where he was for a moment entranced as he watched his wife take a seat beside him. Feeling her to his thigh as his own calloused digits would skim the back of her fingers. Parting his lips to speak before River beat him to it and called her by name. Eyes back to the boy as the realization of it all didn’t quite him. He knew River viewed her as mother. The only one he had really known as Nat wasn’t exactly the maternal type. Maybe once. Back in the day before she had went and fucked it all up. After that though, John could imagine River only reminded her of her fuck up. Staring back at her with his father’s eyes. There wasn’t a whole lot of good John could sing of when it came to his ex but the woman was at least realistic and intelligent enough to give him a fighting chance with someone else. To give the little boy who was all smiles and sunshine what he deserved; the opportunity to be loved. He had no doubt that he was very much loved with Spence as anyone could see that and it reflected in the way he had taken to her.

Yet, upon watching he reaction, it became more evident as to what she was feeling. The boy seated comfortably on her lap as if he had always been there. “He loves you.” He reminded Spence before letting the two had their moment, gently tapping a fingertip to River’s nose prompting a smile. Quick to flash that new enamel. Letting the two have their moment which happened to last for many which left him merely watching Paw Patrol. Again. Before she’d finally speak and he was all too quick to bring his attention back to her entirely. Having found it all too easy to soothe Rhys off as he recognized his father’s chest as his own personal rest area.

Inhaling evenly as this news as both of them knew it was to happen eventually. Hardly needing to ask how she felt about it and it wasn’t out of rudeness that he didn’t ask. It was the fact that he could see it all over her. Standing up slowly with Rhys in tow, he was walking over towards his swing where he lowered the little guy into it. Strapping him in before turning it on. Getting his free hand as he returned to the couch having freed up his hands.

“and you’re not happy.” He predicted, part of him having wondered whether the woman would rejoice to this news or was she too taken with this side of life.

Spencer James When she was put on administrative leave the same week she was due to return from maternity leave, she had mixed emotions about it.  On the one hand, it gave her more time at home with John and the boys which was much needed given their circumstances at the time and for that, she was grateful.  On the other hand, she was on administrative leave pending charges for potentially conspiring with a man standing trial for the attempted murder of her own husband.  It was a large pill to swallow and her throat couldn’t withstand the mass.  Although she knew John believed that she had nothing to do with the incident that took place outside of the hospital one cool May morning, she also knew that there were those that believed it was possible.  She couldn’t quite shake the feeling that there were those that would stare her down, looking to her as she passed with John and the boys, somehow knowing what had her off work for the last eight months.  It wasn’t a secret that she was being looked into though she was sure there were many that already had a conviction hanging over her head when she hadn’t even been charged yet.  

Regardless, her emotions on the matter were mixed.  Financial obligations were piling up.  Things were about to get bad if something didn’t happen there as the ‘account’ she’d kept her own money in, dirty money that she had tucked away, was about to run out.  A box deemed as ‘high school memories’ housed the financial wealth that had been extracted from criminals all over Dallas and Philadelphia, paying her to look the other way.  Paying her to get charges reduced.  Paying her to shut her mouth.  She was good at it and though the need for the extra income had passed nearly two years before, her addiction to the take had not.  She needed it.  She felt as though she had power in it.  That she had a say so in what was alright and what was not.  That she was probably doing more good in what she was actually doing than ninety percent of the cops who were doing what they were doing in locking them up for the two days something would stick and then turning them back out.  At least in the manner she was doing it, they were more likely to think twice about parting with their cash as parting with their time wasn’t nearly as valuable to them.  

But as she sat there, telling John that it was time for her to return to it, that she’d been cleared, she knew she should have been elated.  She should have been ready to jump back into the life that had been her entire life.  The life that she’d given up a relationship for.  The life that she’d held so much value in.  The life that she swore to give her own to.  But things were different now.  It wasn’t just her anymore.  It wasn’t even just her and John.  As Rhys laid asleep in his swing and River danced in front of the television, there were two tiny people that would not understand if she didn’t come home from work the next day.  Two tiny people that had never known the woman to be anywhere but with them and anything but their mom.  There were two tiny people who would never know life the same if she were to be gone from it.  And yet that was exactly what had to happen here.  As John asked her if she was not happy about it, he already knew the answer to this.  Maybe he knew it better than she did.  She wasn’t sure if she’d describe herself as unhappy as it meant that the threat of charges were gone, but more importantly it meant the department would not find anything that would lead them to her involvement in the death of a druggie nearly two years prior, nor a blonde that had gone missing a year before.  Twice she had blood on her hands, once more prevalently than the other, and if the investigation was closed, it meant she could breathe more easily on the things they could have found.

“I don’t know,” she confessed softly turning her eyes towards his.  “I want to be,” she added a moment later as that was true.  She wanted to be thrilled as if she’d gotten her job back, something she connected with, somewhere she knew she belonged, her purpose in life.  But her purpose had changed.  A moment before with River on her lap had proven just how far it had all come.  ‘Ma Spen’ was gone and now she was just ‘Ma’.  With his adoption hearing only days away until that fact would be true on paper as well as in reality, things were different now.  A little boy fast asleep in his swing relied on the fact that when he opened his eyes, his mother and father would be there.  How was she supposed to kiss them and go to work?  How was she supposed to slip off out the door and just know that everything would be okay?  Parents worked every day.  Some in offices and others under the badge.  They kissed their children and spouse and told them that they would be back at a certain time.  But every now and then, two officers would show up at a door with words of apology on their tongues that could never quite begin to cover the sounds of their shattering hearts.  It was a fate she couldn’t imagine happening to John, to the boys.  Knowing John’s reaction would be violence.  Knowing the boys wouldn’t understand, nor could they be explained to.  It was a heavy cross to bear and she wasn’t sure any of their shoulders were strong enough for it.

“I haven’t fired a gun in a year,” she began, finding her way to express her fears at just the job itself as she attempted to take take her own emotions out of the mix, though it was her emotions driving all of it.  “I haven’t run in sixteen months.  I haven’t built up to the cold and the heat or adjusted as the temperature did.  I haven’t had authority in my voice in I don’t even know how long.  I haven’t spent a moment without you or the boys in eight months,” she concluded, her emotions slipping through there in that last sentence as it was the place it all got foggy for her.  Not only did she know she was not in shape for what the job required of her, but she couldn’t walk out the door with her heart as she once had.  Her heart was there, in that living room, beside her, in a swing, dancing to the television.  Somewhere along the line, she had become a stay at home mom without a single other care in the world and now she’d have to go out into that world she’d lost touch with and hope it didn’t chew her up and spit her out on the stone streets of a city known for its brotherly love.  She’d be boots on the ground in the depths of the night, in places that John would never want his wife to be.  She’d be in dark shadows, running into situations where everyone else was running out.  She’d be in the line of fire, not because she had to be, not because someone forced her hand, but because that was the life she chose to lead.  “I’m scared,” she ultimately confessed, the weight of the two words breaking beneath her voice as she lowered her eyes to her own lap, feeling that fear radiating through her on a level she’d only known one other time in her life, when John was in the hospital.  Now, she felt as though she was surely committing him to long days and long nights, the fear of the phone ringing or a knock at the door.  She was telling him, without saying the words, that he may just be raising two boys on his own and they were both too little to even remember who she was or what she felt like, smelled like, and the sound of her voice.  Her thoughts swirled around in her head, prompting an ache in the pit of her stomach as she doubled over on the sofa, her face finding her knees as she linked her hands beneath her thighs.  Giving in to that fear and the confession of it as she faced the fact that she had eight hours to be ready for what would be a nineteen hour shift.

-February 21, 2017

HOLDEN LANCASTER is a TWENTY-SEVEN year old BISEXUAL MALE that was born on MAY TWENTY-FIFTH. He lives in MANHATTAN, but he’s originally from AVALON, CA. He is a LIFEGUARD for a living, and often gets told he looks like BRADLEY JAMES. 

Hello, lovelies! I’m Allison and this is my baby, Holden. He’s been a character of mine for about five or six years now, but I haven’t played him in a while so I’m incredibly excited to write him and to be here! You can find his long ass bio here and his stats here but I’m gonna write some highlights under the cut. I also have a ton of wanted connections that you can find here or under the cut as well! If you like any of my connection ideas or want to plot something else, message me or smash that like button!

tw: parent death/murder, drugs/alcohol, suicide mention

BACKGROUND:

- When Holden was two years old, his mother was murdered. It took ten years for them to figure out who the killer was--his father. Suddenly, his eighteen year old brother was in charge of a teenage Holden and their two younger siblings.

- While all four of them turned to some sort of vice, Holden’s was drugs and alcohol. It started with drinking more than he should, then smoking weed. Eventually that wasn’t enough and he began using harder drugs.

- When he was twenty, after an overdose that may or may not have been a suicide attempt--he doesn’t remember--he decided he needed a change of pace. He moved out on his own to a nearby town. It was there that things started to change.

- To start, he broke his promise to himself and decided to go see his dad, twice. Once to get his anger out, once to actually talk to him. He told his father about how he’d met the love of his life, a beautiful woman named Evan, and how they’d moved in together in just a few months and how he was ready to propose. 

- But Holden wasn’t as faithful as he thought he could be. He cheated on her with a mutual best friend, and fell in love with his best friend, Max. They were able to work through the cheating, and they got engaged.

- Around that time, they started talking about moving to New York. Evan wanted to be near her family and Holden wanted to run away from Max.

- But the feelings didn’t go away, and the texting every day never stopped. Eventually, Holden had to tell Evan that he was in love with Max.

- They mutually decided to call off the engagement and go their separate ways, but Holden was absolutely heartbroken. He had vowed to Evan to stay clean, and he had for the most part succeeded, but once they separated he went right back to his old ways. He’s been an addict since he was fourteen.

- Now, a few years later, Holden is still in New York trying to start a new life for himself. He has a place, a job, friends, an associate’s degree. But he’s still missing love. He has so much effing love to give, and he’d be happiest in a polyamorous partnership but doesn’t realize that polyamory is an option for him. He’s just worried that he’s already found his one true love and won’t ever be able to find true happiness.

PERSONALITY:

- Holden is flamboyant, enthusiastic, energetic. He’s always talking to people, he makes friends easily, and he has a genuinely good heart although he sometimes does stupid things. His humor is sarcastic, and he’ll flirt like crazy with anyone he finds remotely attractive. 

- He loves animals so, so much. He stops to pet and learn the name of pretty much every dog he sees. He has pets of all kinds. He wishes he could talk to animals.

- Is an absolute Hufflepuff. 

WANTED CONNECTIONS:

* all connections are open to all genders!

* connections with no specified age are open to all ages!

* for romantic connections–i do not write smut!

THE BEST FRIENDS // Holden is a really friendly guy, and usually pretty fun to be around, so I imagine he’d have quite a few. [0/∞]

THE CONFIDANTES // While he’s close with many people, these are the only people he completely opens up to. They know everything about his life. [0/2]

THE FORMER FRIEND // Someone he had a falling out with, likely while he was drunk or high as he can get kind of belligerent if he’s already in a bad mood. [0/1]

THE ROOMMATE(S) // Holden lives in an apartment in Kips Bay, Manhattan. He could be roommates with just about anyone from all walks of life. [0/1-2]

THE NEIGHBORS // Maybe they share milk, maybe they can’t stand each other. [0/4]

THE COUSINS // Most of Holden’s family lives in California, but I’d love for him to have some semblance of family in New York. [0/2]

THE BAD INFLUENCES // He needs some people to party with. He drinks and smokes weed a lot, but keep in mind he also does hard drugs and would likely either do them with these people or try to. [0/3]

THE GOOD INFLUENCE // The angel on Holden’s shoulder. This person knows about Holden’s ways and tries their best to keep him safe and out of trouble. [0/1]

THE EXES // In the few years since Holden’s engagement was broken, he’s had plenty of flings. Most ended because he can’t seem to settle down. [0/∞] (age 21-32)

THE FLIRTATIONSHIPS // Holden is a huge flirt. He doesn’t even necessarily have to be interested in dating or sleeping with someone to flirt with them. And he’ll flirt a lot. [0/∞] (age 21-32)

THE FWB // Holden doesn’t really have feelings for this person, but God are they good in bed. [0/1] (age 21-32)

THE TINDER MATCH // Someone Holden is talking to online, but they’re wanting to take it really slow so they haven’t met yet. They hit it off and text all the time. [0/1] (age 21-32)

THE MUSE // They come over to hang out and help Holden write his music, throwing out rhymes and giving him ideas. [0/1]

THE YOUNGER SIBLING FIGURE // Holden always felt protective of his younger siblings, and now that they’re across the country from each other he misses that dynamic. (age < 27)

THE SWIMMING BUDDIES // Holden loves nothing more than swimming and the water, and they often join him. [0/2]

THE WINGMAN/WOMAN // A classic–they go out and help each other get dates (or get laid). [0/1]

THE DATE-NIGHT PARENTS // Holden will occasionally babysit for them, but only when the parent(s) is/are going out. It wouldn’t be a regular babysitting job. [0/∞]

THE DEALER // He’s gotta get the drugs from someone. He probably trusts them a lot. [0/1]

THE BLIND DATE // Someone Holden has never met, but has been set up on a blind date with by a mutual friend. [0/1] (age 21-32)

THE COWORKERS // They could do anything in the apartment building, whether it be a fellow lifeguard, a front desk agent, a custodian, etc. [0/∞]

THE FELLOW MUSICIANS // They could just bond over music, but could also play together every once in a while. Holden plays guitar and piano and sings. [0/∞]