#maybe if more people watched miracle day 2016 wouldn’t have happened | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

peeterparkr · 4 years

Text

delayed ➵ tom holland.

pairing: tom holland x reader

word count: 6.7k

warnings: christmas, fluff, elton john, george michael

summary: the four times you saw him at an airport, the three times your flight was delayed, the two times you shared coffee and the one time you gave him your heart.

Once bitten and twice shy I keep my distance But you still catch my eye Tell me, baby Do you recognize me? Well, it's been a year It doesn't surprise me

You were coming home for Christmas. It would be fair to point it out now, you didn't want to go home for Christmas. Home wasn't… Home anymore. Because you would have to fake a smile, and pretend that you wanted to be there, and you didn't. You didn't want to go because it meant dealing with people who you did not want to deal with. Family. Exes Ex friends. Questions you didn't want to answer about your job, about your new position and how, although it was going well, it wasn't enough, questions from your aunts, gossiping fans, who loved to know what had happened concerning ex-boyfriends who had been horrible enough to break your heart. And questions about last Christmas. And why you hadn’t showed up.

You would invent stories of how you were doing well and tell anecdotes that had never happened simply to please your aunts. Maybe this year you wouldn’t have to.

Questions of why you never brought anyone at Christmas. You were about to take someone the previous year, fair to highlight. Well, that was a very promising statement. When in fact ... it didn't say much.

But, you know, around Christmas time, people say, problems are forgotten. You did believe that, at least for a day, your mother and father wouldn't fight and your brother and sister would be nice to you. Maybe you could be decent, too. You knew that in spite of everything, when Christmas Eve arrived, all problems would disappear and pretend to be a happy family. You remembered how it had gone last year. And the past one, too. A family dinner which had you all singing. It was good. But there was always something missing.

Maybe you needed a miracle.

If it were for you, you'd stay in New York, the city always had a ring to what you loved, always something happening. Honking cars, people asking for money, and a Santa Claus in every corner. You had spent the previous night at the Rockefeller centre, you had seen the tree and you were not sure if your imagination had played you a game or if you had actually seen him there too.

It's the job of the trade, seeing him everywhere. You had a vivid imagination. But, you also had the worst (best?) Luck in the world.

But, you wanted to stay in New York, so you wouldn't have to run into your ex-boyfriend who would now spend Christmas with your family, he was now married to your cousin. It's complicated, isn't it? Your stomach hurt just thinking about it.

In addition, New York had its charm. If it sounded crazy, it probably happened in New York. Even now that you were at the airport. You wanted to stay in New York. Last Christmas you had, and it had been perfect.

You were still thinking about the Rockefeller centre. The lights and everything you like, you wanted to have something fantastic. Unusual. You liked to visit it. You didn't want it to be the same Christmas as usual, maybe you needed someone, or maybe not.

You were in the airport waiting room and you didn't believe your eyes, he was there again. Like the previous and last year, and the one before that. That had you on the edge of your feet. But you liked to think that there was a sort of connection.

There was some hope you'd find him again this year. It had all been a coincidence but, you were sure you were going to find him. It was stupid, really, to think you were going to see him. But last time, just like you were right now, you were also in New York waiting for your flight to London.

And you had seen him again, with a cap and his earphones, scrolling through his phone. With a big coat and a hoodie. Your stomach jolted.

It seemed that this had become a tradition, you supposed. Seeing him there, also going back home. He looked at you and you didn't know if he had recognized you, you didn't blame him if he didn't. It was the fourth time you had met at that airport. Of course, the previous year had been something very different.

Circa Christmas, 2016

Since the first time you had seen him, you had fallen in love with him, like a fool. Brown hair, a little curled and skin as pale as the New York snow you loved, extremely handsome. The first time you had talked a little, about how you were afraid of an approaching storm.

However, this Christmas, you really needed to see your family. You had lost your job, and you were not at your best. It seemed that you had the worst luck in the world, because you felt that all your dreams had collapsed. You were a mess. You always had been.

Adding to your bad luck, your flight had been delayed by three hours, not a big deal. You had run into him at the nearest Starbucks. You could not believe how nervous you were. But of course, you had fallen in love with a stranger and his gaze had stuck in your mind.

"'Tis great, huh?" He had commented to you while you were in line. “We're here for another 3 hours.”

You had only smiled. “One can never have too many expensive airport coffees.”

He grinned. "Yeah. You're… Going to London, too? For Christmas? ”

“ Yeah, ”you had answered. “Well, not London, but yeah. I'm going to take a train after we arrive. ”

He grinned as he rubbed his hands together. “Can't wait to see my family.”

“That makes only one of us,” you had chuckled.

He watched you with curiosity. “You don't like your family?”

“I do…” You squeezed your eyes shut. “I do, I just… I can wait.” You chuckled. “I just need a little more time to get prepared to see 'em. I just need a little calm before I come home. ”

“Calm? ”He asked. “And you're calmed in New York?”

“Even with all the city noise, trust me, New York is quieter than my family around Christmas,” you explained. “And I always want three minutes to drink a mean cup of tea and just… quiet, you know? but no, all the children are yelling, I need to help in the kitchen, and-- You know. Everyone is singing out of tune carols and… Well, that's kind of it. ”

“So this is perfect for you, ”he chuckled as he glanced at the Starbucks. “A… cup of coffee with Christmas carols.”

“Yeah, not the tea I'd love to have but sure,” you chuckled. “It counts, I guess.”

He smiled. “I'm Tom, by the way.”

“Y / N.”

And both of you had ordered your coffee and drifted apart. But since you were bored, your imagination had gone crazy. It became a habit of yours, imagining your life with strangers. And there was something about him that was very particular to notice. Maybe it was the way he licked his lips or how he would rub his hands together.

His smile, yes, that was very interesting. And maybe he had noticed your staring, while your mind wandered on how you could take him home for Christmas and maybe that year you would've.

“So, how was your coffee?” Tom asked as he made his way over.

You shook your head back into reality. “Hm?”

“Was it as good as your ideal cup of tea?” He asked with a grin.

“Uh, well, you know, the Toffee Nut is always a hug to the heart,” you laughed.

And he had tried to make some more conversation, small talk. Strangers. But it had continued and you had ended up talking about your favorite christmas songs and movies. Both of you couldn't stress enough your love for Home Alone and your love for Last Christmas.

"Everything involving George Michael is good," you had said.

"Can't disagree," Tom chuckled.

“I'd say it's my favorite, yes,” you grinned.

“Though, there's this one classic song,” he hinted with a smirk. "We can't forget it."

You raised your eyebrows. "Which one?"

He laughed. “C'mon! The ultimate christmas song? ”He pushed.

You shook your head.

"Don't ... don't make me sing it," he said, embarrassed.

You laughed “You… don't have to? Just tell me the name? ”You giggled.

“No, but I have to sing it.” He closed his eyes. “I can't believe I'm gonna sing to a stranger.” He laughed before singing the familiar notes of this one very popular Christmas song, if not the most popular one.

You threw your head back laughing. “All I want for Christmas! How could I forget? ”

“ It's a classic! ”He pushed.

“And I bet Mariah is jealous of your voice,” you teased.

And the conversation had revolved around that, about Christmas and how he was a fan of the Holiday and how you simply had your head elsewhere. You discussed Christmas and your jobs and how you both wished more to the Holiday. You said it was not the same, it seemed that the magic of Christmas,that you had back in your childhood had vanished, that it was now more important to outshine everyone else, to know who threw the biggest party or who was best dressed, and the many people who were in your house always trying to pretend their life was more perfect.

He said the same thing, but vice versa, that now, although he loved to spend Christmas alone with his parents and siblings, he felt he had become smaller. He wanted noise and wanted emotions.

It seemed ironic, you wanted a silence and he looked for the hustle and bustle.

“I guess it doesn't feel… real, you know?” You had said. “I mean, I guess they've hidden themselves in the whole glamor that Christmas is.”

“Really?”

“I mean, the days before Christmas that's where everyone is crazy you know? They show their real selves. ”

Tom nodded. “Oh yeah, and then Christmas Day arrives and they all turn happy?”

You nodded.

"That's not a bad thing," he said. “I mean. They turn nice, don't they? ”

“ Well, yeah, ”you chuckled. "I haven't seen it that way."

Tom smiled.

“But it's hard, don't you get all those questions?” You wondered. “You know, the whole, 'what are you doing with your life?' Kinda questions. ”

“ Ah, yes, and the whole 'where's the girlfriend?' 'When will you finally settle down, Thomas?' ”He laughed. “So annoying.”

“At least there's only a few people in your family, I have to go through that for hours, with all my family.”

He laughed. “Well, that sounds like fun.”

“It is, just not for me,” you laughed.

He grinned, "maybe get a fake boyfriend next year."

"No because then — then they're going to ask about marriage," you explained.

"Get a fake husband," He suggested.

"No—"

"Because then they'd ask about children,” he finished your sentence “Get a fake child—"

"Fake child?" You laughed.

“No, wait...then they'd ask for the second fake child.”

Then you both started to talk about the silly routines both your families went through the Christmas Day.

“And god, no, my mother, she likes to-- They,” you smiled. “They always organize this talent show, that comes before charades,” you giggled.

“Charades is a fun game!”

“Oh, don't get me started on charades,” you laughed. “But well, they do this talent show, and my mum, she believes… Well, she believes she's a good singer.”

“Does she sound worse than me trying to be like Mariah?”

“Your performance is Grammy worthy compared to her singing , ”You explained, making him throw his head back.

"Your family sounds fun," Tom grinned. “Meanwhile we only have dinner and talk.”

“That's decent,” you sighed. “Because all the magic of Christmas ends for me the moment someone tries to outshine the other. Everyone wants to shine, you know? And I think that not everybody has to shine every time. ”

“ And do you?

"What?"

"Shine every time?"

You laughed. “I haven't shined in a while.”

“Why not?” He nudged you.

“Life sucks,” you shrugged.

He stayed quiet but then an idea popped to his mind. "Let me tell you a secret," he grinned. “Be good to yourself cause nobody else has the power to make you happy.”

You chuckled closing your eyes. “Isn't that a song by George Michael?”

Tom smiled, embarrassed. “I was hoping you wouldn't catch it.”

“I know all the songs by George Michael,” you stated. "And Elton John, now that we're into it."

Tom started humming. You grinned, knowingly as he hummed to the Bennie and the Jets intro. You hummed along.

You looked at each other, “hey kids, shake it loose together!”

He laughed as both of you whispered the song, in a high pitched way, between laughs and giggles.

"B-b-b-Bennie and the Jets," he sang.

“I love that part you know? B-b-b-b-b-b- “

“ I love the high note on magazine! ”He said as he tried and failed to reach the note, making you throw your head back laughing.

“Bennieee And the Jeeeeeets,” you san on an even higher pitch.It was his turn to laugh.

"Bennie!" Tom yelled again.

“Bennie!”

People were staring at you, and you both giggled to yourselves.

"I never thought a delayed flight would be this fun," he grinned.

That got you thinking.

They were called to board, and everyone left by their side. By the end of the flight, you had embraced and wished the other a merry Christmas

And maybe you were being dumb, but having been accompanied at the airport had helped a lot to see that Christmas on a different way. You had given each other your phones and sent a message from time to time.

Around Christmas, 2017.

You had arrived in advance at the airport. Little desire for anything. Your heart had been broken and you really didn’t want to arrive that Christmas to answer questions about why a chair would be empty. You were hoping to see him a third time at the airport. But, it was impossible.

Besides, it would be stupid to call him and ask him, or send him a message, and what would you even say? What? That you expected to see him again? That you were that stranger with whom he had shared a cup of coffee and talked about Christmas carols? It was stupid. You would not call him.

But big was your surprise, a very pleasant one when you had seen him arrive. He looked good, nice hairstyle. His coat was expensive, you supposed. He sure smelled good, you thought. But you had seen him arrive, with a girl’s hand around his elbow. There your pleasant surprise was over. She was beautiful. Much prettier than you.

Probably because her makeup was not run like yours, and she hadn't been crying for days. Her boots were new and not scratched like yours. While you suffered the flu, she looked splendid. Her curly hair was perfect, while yours was tangled.

She was someone perfect for him. Sure that's probably why he was taking her home for Christmas. He gave you a smile.

Well, your heart was broken a second time, you didn't know why. It didn't have to happen. However that stranger had been on your mind. And of course, you were the fool who had become obsessed with Tom.

You didn't even know his last name.

“Y/N! Nice to see you again,”he greeted you. And he had said his girlfriend's name, but you had kindly ignored it. “Are you ready to see your family this time?”

And you weren't, but you weren't going to tell him that in front of a stranger. As if he wasn't a stranger himself.

“Oh, Tom, right?” You faked ignorance as if his name hadn't been stuck on your mind all year long. “Hello, yes, yes, all ready. What about you? ”

“This is y/n, ”he introduced you to his girlfriend. “We met last year, in this airport, we were stuck. And yeah,”he turned back you.

And you had really hoped you weren't stranded on an airport with them. Not with miss perfection.

Besides what were your hoping for, actually? To see him again and invite him over for Christmas? It was a very stupid wish.

But you had imagined it, how it would go. Of course, had he not come with a girlfriend, it would've been very disastrous still. Your smudged mask was not exactly inviting. But it did make sense, in a way you had connected with him.

Besides, this was the third time seeing him. It had to mean something. Fate. Destiny. Call it what you want, but him and you were meant to find each other.

But he was hugging his girlfriend and you had to look away. Maybe it bothered you more because you had just gone through a breakup.

They announced that your flight was, yet again, delayed. Only for two hours this time.

His girlfriend had fallen asleep against his arm so quickly. You guessed he was a good pillow.

"Hey," he called for you. "Are you alright?"

You had looked up. “Yeah, yeah, perfect.”

“Last Christmas you seemed more cheerful,” Tom pointed out.

"I'm just going through this terrible cold," you lied. “Didn't let me sleep last night,” which was half true.

"How were the charades?"He teased. "Last Christmas?"

You chuckled. "As terrible as they could go," you smiled. “The talent show was good, however.”

“I'm glad, did you participate?” Tom asked.

“I was inspired by you, actually, I sang all I want for Christmas,” you told him, causing him to laugh softly. "How was your dinner?"

"Quiet," he shrugged. “Hope this year it isn't.” He watched you. “Are you sure you're okay?”

“Let's say it's not my year to shine yet again,” you shrugged.

"Let me tell you a secret," he whispered. “Put it in your heart and keep it.”

You closed your eyes with a smile, remembering last year he had quoted the exact same song.

“Something that I want you to know, do something for me, listen to my simple story,” he continued, a little higher this time, now singing it. "And maybe we'll have something to show, you tell me you're cold on the inside," he giggled. “How can the outside world,” he watched you, expecting you to sing with him but you just simply dedicated him a snicker. “Be a place that your heart can embrace, be good to yourself…” And he stayed quiet, waiting.

“'Cause nobody else, has the power to make you happy,” you finally ended the song.

Tom just smiled, a genuine smile. And then you had imagined how it would've been different, with you laying on top of him instead, and you bringing him home for Christmas. It would be good.

But it only remained on your dreams. And for a strange reason, you felt like you were falling in love with him only by picturing it in your head. The good old way.

But his arm was around his girlfriend, and he didn't hug you a merry Christmas this time. You had texted him a Merry Christmas, he never texted you back.

And you had been the whole next year looking out for him in children and old men, trying to see if life was kind enough to you so you could meet him again. There were a few times that you thought you had seen him, but in the big crowds of New York, it probably wasn't, so you ignored it.

Around Christmas, 2018

You were looking around at the airport, you had brought your own blanket and you were reading a book, but your head was going back to the Rockefeller centre.

You didn't know why exactly you knew he was coming. But you had looked up at him when he had arrived. You didn't want to relive the fact he had broken your heart by not answering your text. It had hurt.

He didn't have a girlfriend by his arm this time. And you didn't know if it would be decent to talk to him. Considering, of course, that you were probably still in love with him. You didn't think he recognized you. It's been a year, it wouldn't surprise you.

But he had, and he had sat right beside you. "Hello, y/n."

"Hey," you looked up.

“It's funny, don't you think?” Tom chuckled. “How we keep bumping into each other.”

You smiled. "Yeah," you laughed. “Funny.”

“How are you? It's been yet another year, ”he laughed. “Are we making this a thing? Seeing each other at the airport?”

“ I'm good, ”you smiled. “And, well seems like we should.”

“It's the third time,” he chuckled.

“Third, already?” You asked.

"Yeah," Tom grinned. “Or maybe more, I dunno, I mean, we've talked only those two times but I remember seeing you before.”

You smiled. “Ah, maybe, maybe!” You pretended to not know about it. “Well, someone out there really wanted us to meet.”

He chuckled. "Seems like it," he grinned.

“Are you ready for Christmas?” You were the one to ask this time.

Tom shrugged. "Not sure," He admitted. “Feel like I need more time to myself this time, I don't want to go home this time.”

You sighed. “I get that.”

“I… I've got to ask,” Tom cleared his throat. “I think I saw you yesterday, ” he pointed out, with a smile. “I didn't… I didn't say hello or anything because well,” he cleared his throat. “Thought you wouldn't recognize me out of an airport.”

You smiled. “Where did you see me?”

“Rockefeller tree,” he said. “I think it was you, and if it wasn't then… Gosh, it wouldn't be the first time I thought I saw you and it wasn't you.”

Your heart stopped as you heard him say those words. So maybe he had been thinking about you, too. But that didn't stop the fact that he had never texted you back Last Christmas and broken your heart.

“I was there! It probably was me, ”you smiled.

Tom blushed and chuckled. "Should've said hello," he grinned. “But to be fair, you were also kind of having a moment.”

And you had been, you had just stared at the tree by yourself, asking for a Christmas miracle. You weren't sure why, but you needed to get out of the routine. Something fantastic.

"I ..." You closed your eyes, repressing a laugh, "This might sound stupid, but I wished for a miracle."

"There's a fair share of those around Christmas," he grinned.

You smiled. "Yeah, but with my luck?" You laughed. “I just wish I could stay in New York.”

Tom chuckled, knowingly. "Yeah, yeah," he laughed. “It's weird, isn't it? We both have the power to decide and stay here, yet we're both here, going back home. ”

He was right.

There was a snowstorm approaching, but according to the weather channel, it wouldn't hit until the next day. You were safe

But if you looked out the window, you saw how you were definitely not safe from it, it was snowing, not as bad. But it did give a nice white shot. Making you cold only from looking at it.

“I feel like all the weather channels are wrong,” he pointed out.

"Let's hope they're not, we would be stuck here yet again for another year." But you were secretly hoping you would. Strange things your heart wished. “Where's your girlfriend?” You asked, and it hadn't come out as poisonous as you had expected it would.

He laughed with pity and rubbed his face. “She dumped me the day after Christmas.”

You brought your hands to your face, in shock. “You're kidding.”

“I wish I was,” He faked a laughed. “Apparently she only wanted someone to pay her a trip to London, and guess she didn’t like it as much, so she...dumped me.”

"Oh god, that is awful," you couldn't believe it. “Oh but… The silver linings, right? Now you can sing Last Christmas. ”

I smiled. "Yeah, yeah, I guess," he shook his head. “Then I need to find someone special.”

You hummed the song. It was weird. Because soy were both like old friends, when in fact you were both strangers to the other. But it didn't feel like it, it felt like an old song that you had listened once in your childhood. It felt like he had been there your whole life.

“What about you? No fake boyfriend yet? ”Tom asked.

"Haha," you rolled your eyes. "No," you chuckled. “Well, actually, last Christmas I was going to bring one… a real one,” you said, “not a fake one.”

“And what happened?”

“Broke up with me the day we were going to go to London, that's why last year I looked like a mess. ”

“ Hey, hey, ”he grinned,“ not fair, you always look like a mess. ”

You nudged him. "Excuse me!" You laughed. “But hey, I think it's not as bad as what she did.”

“Yeah, I won!” Tom grinned.

"Except you didn't," you chuckled. “He's engaged to my cousin.”

“No!” His eyes widened.

“Yes, and she's bringing him for Christmas!” You laughed. "I don't even want to know how they met," you laughed. “But oh well.”

“Now I get why you don't wanna go home for Christmas,” he commented.

“Yeah, I have to deal with the whole ‘are you still single?’ question while watching my cousin kiss my ex-boyfriend.”

“Well, then don’t go home,” he laughed.

“It's not that I don't want to, I just… want an adventure, you know?” You laughed.

“And you think you'll get one? In an airport? ”He laughed.

You shrugged. “You never know.”

The snow was getting worse. An both of you just stared at the other. As if it had been orchestrated, the familiar voice that you had heard the past three years called.

“This is an announcement for passengers on flight 1224 to London. The flight has been delayed due to bad weather conditions. The flight crew has arrived at the gate, but the ground crew is still de-icing the wings of the aircraft. Due to the upcoming storm, we might stay here for a couple more hours. We apologize for the inconveniences-- ”

Both of you couldn't help but laugh.

"I should've seen that coming," Tom chuckled. “It seems like we are getting a pattern here, maybe you bring me bad luck.”

“Me? That never happens to me! I travel all the time! And only when I see you shit like this happens! ”You complained.

He laughed “Let's go get coffee.”

And it was like two years before, the two of you drinking your coffee, telling stories about the year and complaining about the weather. But it was so simple, it became so simple. How they were yet stranded on an airport.

“J.F.K. airport is cursed,” Tom laughed.

“Can you imagine if we had to stay and live here?” You chuckled.

“Oh, yes, yes, like that movie with Tom Hanks,” he grinned. “Yes, and then we’d have to live out of crackers and ketchup,” he laughed.

You grinned. “Gosh, such a great movie!”

He smiled. “I actually watch that movie on the Holidays, funnily enough.”

“To remind yourself that your flight might be delayed?” You teased.

He laughed. “Probably, yeah.”

You looked out the window. “We’re not getting out of here, not tonight,” you laughed. “We might as well go home.”

He looked out. “You think? I’ve got some… hope. And I don’t want to go back to my apartment, just in case.”

You shrugged. “Right. But what can we do? I mean… We will be bored to death,” you sighed. “We... I’m sorry, I am using we, you’re free to do whatever you want.”

“No, but let’s do something, together.” He grinned.

“Like what?” You chuckled.

He shrugged. “Dunno, there’s plenty of stuff to do here, you know?”

You laughed. “I doubt it.”

“No, no,” he smirked. “Let’s… C’mon.”

You chuckled and you followed him, you walked around through some shops and played in some of them. It was very silly. You made fun of all the airport clichés, like buying a Toblerone, and remembering the giant one in Friends. You continued to explore the shops, very silly. You started to mimic the voices at the airports, sillying around. You took a cart for luggage and he pushed you around the airport as both of you laughed.

You then sat on the floor and sat close to each other, your blanket covering both. And you kept walking, through the shops, through the food courts, and then through the other gates, watching how everyone else was waiting for their flights that probably would not take off until tomorrow.

You were staring at tourists with their ‘I heart NY’ hoodies and their plushed Statues of Liberty with very poor taste. And you were falling for him, with his jokes and his laugh. The way he bit his lip when he was thinking, and the way it made you want to know how those lips tasted.

“I love these,” he said as he hopped into one of the moving walkways. You followed after him. “These are fun.”

“The walkways?” You chuckled.

“Yes, don’t you love them?” He asked.

“Hmm, I guess I do,” you said before sitting down.

He chuckled sitting beside you. “You just made these way more fun.”

“Ugh, don’t you think it’s annoying?”

“What?”

“How neither of us want to go back home, but we are both going just to impress our families and prove them wrong?” You asked. “But I know they’ll be disappointed.”

“Yeah,” he laughed. “No matter what I’ll do. They’ll be disappointed.”

You sighed. “And I don’t want to see the build-up to it, because they always have hope, but I think that they’re just waiting for me to…”

“To let them down,” he grinned. “Huh, yeah.”

“I think the whole idea of the holidays just… Scares me, you know? Because they want to see a version of me that… doesn’t exist anymore.”

He shrugged.

“Aren’t you scared?”

“Of not being who they thought I was?” Tom bit his lip. “Maybe.”

You smiled staring into his eyes. But the moment was quickly erased as a family was going through the same walkway. You had to stand up as they ran past you. You chuckled.

He looked around to see everyone.

“What are their stories?” He wondered.

You followed his gaze. “Probably the same as ours.”

He grinned as he took out his earphones. “Hmm, want to listen to music?” He asked as he placed the eraphone on you. You chuckled as he started playing the song you thought he’d play. “Heal the Pain.’ George Michael.

You didn’t know how or why but as the song played you were getting closer and closer to the other. Maybe it was because you were cold. But it felt like magic.

You got to the end of the walkway and took the earphones off, the song was in the early beginning.

You blushed. “Well, we’ve run out of things to do at this airport.” You said, hopping to the walkway that would take you back.

“No, we haven’t,” he laughed. “Okay, okay, wait,” he said as he ran off, you watched him with confusion as he walked to the sideways walkway, and now you were both getting dragged to each other. You rolled your eyes, laughing.

“What are you doing?” You asked him.

“Wait, do I know you?” He asked you as he walked backwards, trying to catch up with you. You laughed as you did the same, to stay in the same place he was.

“I don’t know, do you?” You grinned.

He laughed. “I think I do,” he continued. “Or maybe I don’t, I’d never forget a smile like that.”

You blushed, rolling your eyes. “You’re silly.”

“I am,” he laughed. “I’m just going along with it, you know?”

“What?”

“C’mon, don’t you feel it?” He pushed, laughing. “I feel like I was meant to find you.”

You grinned. “A christmas miracle.”

He laughed. “Yeah, maybe, maybe.”

“Well, but this is only an airport story,” you smiled as you stopped walking as it soon would drag you to the end of the walkway.

And both of you thought of the same thing, because both of you changed walkways, and now, played another game, it seemed. Like charades of sorts, just making faces and not making any sounds, except for your laughs. His laugh, such an adorable sound.

But then you stopped walking, and he ran, trying to catch up with you and he ran faster so he’d be there with open arms as soon as you’d get off the walkway. You chuckled as you jumped into his arms. And you wanted to pinch yourself because maybe this was another one of your stories, only coming from your mind.

And he hugged you tightly, and you made sure it wasn’t a dream. He laughed as he let you go.

“I just hope we get to meet each other again, and then next year we will remember it and tell it like, hey, remember last christmas? When we fell in love for a few minutes?” He said, as he continued to walk along.

You stopped, watching him leave. You felt your heart jolt but followed after. You chuckled. “Sounds like the perfect Christmas redemption arc.”

“It does, doesn’t it.”

And you wondered how he could continue walking after saying that. You went back to your gate and asked about your flight, it was delayed for even more hours. So you sat down, as hope was slowly going away.

He sat down beside you. “I feel like until I do this,” he said carefully. “Our flight will continue to be delayed.”

“Do what?” You grinned.

“I need to ask you out,” he declared.

You closed your eyes, snickering. “You’re joking, right?”

“Think about it,y/n, we’ve been stuck before on an airport, and we’ve had chances to talk to each other and… Last Christmas, one would’ve thought that because I brought someone it wouldn’t be delayed, yet it was, I feel like it’s some sort of destiny calling us.”

“So you want to ask me out relying on the fact that you should because of the circumstances?” You asked, incredulous.

“And relying on the fact that since I’ve first met you, I couldn’t seem to get you out of my mind.”

You blushed as a smile appeared on your face. “Fine then, but only because I really like you.”

And it was his turn to blush.

You didn’t have many options at the airport. So you went to a bar. And it didn’t seem like a first date, it seemed like a couple who’d been dating for years was travelling together for Christmas,. Because it just… made sense. You had chemistry, nobody could deny that. Besides, everyone at the airport was stuck like you. But everyone was bored.

Tom smirked. “Everyone looks so bored.”

“Well, we’re stuck in an airport,” you laughed. “It can’t be as fun.”

“I’d like to disagree…” He licked his lips and rubbed his hands. “Let’s show them some fun, kay?”

You blinked and watched as he asked the bartender something. As soon as he walked back, you heard the notes. Bennie and the Jets.

You closed your eyes. “Oh my god,” you remembered. And he took you by the hand.

And you started singing the song, so out of tune, and so not remembering the words. He sang out loud and yelled while you were both trying to hit the high notes. Maybe it was the Christmas miracle, or maybe it was the fact everyone was bored, or maybe the fact that around Christmas all the problems seem to be gone, but people started singing along with you.

And suddenly you were singing at a bar at an airport, with someone you’ve sung with before. And it felt nice, and fun. And it seemed planned again, but the next song fit perfectly. To get in a more Christmas spirit.

“Last Christmas…”

“I gave you my heart,” you sang to Tom.

“But the very next day, you gave it away.”

And it was all magical. Like in a movie, everyone singing and clapping to themselves, forgetting the sole fact that a snowstorm had dragged you all in there.

“Tell me baby, do you recognize me?” You sang. “Well, it’s been a year, it doesn’t surprise me!”

“Merry Christmas!” Everyone sang, laughing.

Before you knew it, your lips were an inch from his, and he was blushing and you were smiling. He looked down at your lips and without hesitation, kissed you. And it had been just slightly cold, and he still tasted like beer, but it was okay, it was warm and it was just what you had been waiting for, these past 3 years, only it was better. Way better than you could have ever imagined.

And after making your way back to the airport, kissing on the walkways, because you were both so hungry for each other, you made your way back to the gate.

“I just… I just have one question,” you said looking up, as soon as you were sitting down, cuddled together. “Why didn’t you answer? Last year?”

He gulped. “The text?” He sighed. “I don’t… I don’t know, I guess. I knew that I liked you, and I just wanted to forget it, you know? It sounds silly but I feel like I was… too invested on a stranger, right?”

You laughed. “But we are strangers.”

“Last Christmas we were,” he chuckled.

You grinned. “I wanna bring you home for Christmas,” you joked.

“Well, why not?” He chuckled.

“Brining a stranger for Christmas,” you laughed.

“Are we really?” He grinned. “We could say that we met years ago, but never really dated, until now.”

You laughed. “They would ask me questions, though, they love asking those, how did we meet? When did we fall in love--?”

“Or we could ignore the questions,” he suggested. “And go straight into that talent show, I mean we really got something to show them.”

“B-b-b-bennie and the jets,” you sang, laughing.

“They’d love that,” he grinned as he hugged you closer.

And you both imagined it, how taking each other home for Christmas would be. And the different scenarios it involved. Sooner or later, you had fallen on his embrace. But either scenario would probably not come true, at least not this Christmas, because when you woke up, the flight had been cancelled.

Present

You were in the airport waiting room and you saw him. Like the previous and last year, and the one before that. That had you on the edge of your feet. But this time, you had expected it. And you had seen him again, with a cap and his earphones, scrolling through his phone. With a big coat and a hoodie. Your stomach jolted.

“You’re late,” you giggled.

And he smiled at you, just like he had the year before. And you remember how you gave him your heart. And it was just like the song. And for the first time, your flight wasn’t delayed. But it wouldn’t have mattered anyway.

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idairsauthor · 5 years

Text

This Fcking Impeachment: Episode One, The Fire of Union

PLAIDDER: Hello and welcome to This Fucking Emergency’s exciting new spinoff: This Fucking Impeachment. With me in the studio today is the happiest imaginary man in the world. Please welcome the unpublished-fictional man, the very little-known myth, the only-to-the-select-few legend, Conn mac Emer!

CONN: WOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

PLAIDDER: I see Conn has already started celebrating...and for the first but probably not the last time, please welcome to the show another imaginary politician, the Nation’s own Gill Nileton.

GILL: I thought Ideirens couldn’t drink.

CONN: We can’t.

GILL: You kind of SEEM like you’ve been--

CONN: The exalted mood you observe in me, friend, is not the artificial product of poisonous libations, but the exhilaration of LINN SHANGHLAIM! YEEEE HAAAAAA!!

GILL: I know you told me what that means, but--

PLAIDDER: It’s an Old Tongue phrase that sort of translates as “the fire of union.”

GILL: I still don’t know what that means.

PLAIDDER: As I understand it, linn shanghlaim is used by members of the Seated Leaders to describe the experience of spontaneously and rapidly coming together to support a single piece of legislation or course of action.

GILL: Nothing’s spontaneous in politics.

CONN: Spoken like a man who’s lived all his life under a two-party system. The Seat doesn’t have parties. We have a bunch of people who each only care about what happens in their home district. BUT. Once in a while, something happens that’s so important, for reasons either venal or noble, that everyone puts that petty local tarbfnaa aside and comes together to deal with it. And that’s linn shanghlaim, and it is the reason I get up in the thurking morning. WOOOOOO!!!

GILL: I have literally never seen you this happy.

PLAIDDER: Well you have to understand, Nancy Pelosi announced yesterday that they’ve launched an impeachment inquiry.

GILL: Impeachment. This is the thing that happened to this “Bill Clinton” that I’m supposed to have been based on.

PLAIDDER: Yes. But you see, it’s also a thing that ALMOST happened to a guy named Richard Nixon that neither of you have ever heard of.

GILL: I still don’t understand.

PLAIDDER: Our...president...has just admitted that he abused the power of his office to force a third party to dig up dirt on someone who was quite possibly going to be running against him for president.

GILL: And?

PLAIDDER: And that’s Watergate. For 40 years now every political scandal has had “gate” attached to it, in honor of the Watergate scandal. But this is actually the only scandal since Watergate that actually deserves that suffix. Because this...president...has just done EXACTLY what the House was prepared to impeach Nixon for back in 1974, only in a MUCH WORSE way. All this time everyone’s known that this jackass should be impeached but they’ve been afraid to do it because so much of this stuff is unprecedented and because this...asshole...has been using his power to gaslight everyone into thinking well, maybe this ISN’T really an impeachable offense. But here is something that everyone knows, from history, actually IS an impeachable offense and furthermore is serious enough that the prospect of getting impeached for it forced that son of a bitch to resign.

CONN: And so as soon as that became clear...WHOOSH! The fire of union!

PLAIDDER: Because now, by impeaching him, they’re not repeating the Clinton impeachment, they’re repeating the Nixon one. That’s what Pelosi and friends have been worried about all this time. When the Republicans impeached...let’s say, your namesake...

GILL: This Clinton.

PLAIDDER: Yes. When they impeached him, it was over a single instance of perjury, in which he lied about the fact that he had drawn a 22 year old intern into a sexual relationship with him.

GILL: I thought they impeached him over the sex.

PLAIDDER: No. Technically, the High Crime and Misdemeanor at stake there was his lying about it under oath.

GILL: But your president lies--

PLAIDDER: Exactly. Exactly. But, you see, the Clinton impeachment was clearly politically motivated. The Republicans wouldn’t accept the fact that they’d lost the White House, so they investigated Clinton until they turned up something they could use. This, by the way, is exactly what Buttercup’s defenders are always saying the Democrats are doing now.

GILL: Which they actually are.

PLAIDDER: The difference, Gill, is that Buttercup actually is unfit to hold this office in every measurable way. He’s constantly abusing his power--not just in this phone call, but in every action he takes as President. He lies like he breathes. He upended the FBI and the Department of Justice to try to stop the Mueller investigation. He fires everyone who displays a shred of integrity or an ounce of loyalty to anything other than himself. He encourages foreign governments to bribe him by using his hotel properties. He embezzles taxpayer money by directing government entities to use his hotel properties. I cannot even list all the ways in which he has proved that he acts always and only in his own interests, even when that goes against the interests of the country he supposedly governs. He illegally blocks money that Congress has appropriated for things he doesn’t want to do or redirects money that Congress appropriated for some other purpose. He refuses to obey the law whenever it contravenes his needs, desires, or even whims. He has corrupted the entire Department of Justice and turned the Attorney General of the United States into his personal defense lawyer. He accepted help from fucking Vladimir Putin in the 2016 election and NOW--as a fucking SITTING PRESIDENT--he is actively soliciting help from Zelensky in the upcoming 2020 election. And that’s just the illegal stuff. Do not get me STARTED on the profoundly immoral things he has done with this office and to this country. He is not a president. He is a mob boss. He richly deserves to be impeached, and now at last he will be.

CONN: Look at you, drawing up the articles of impeachment already!

PLAIDDER: Every right-minded citizen of this country has had their own personal articles of impeachment drawn up for at least a year now.

GILL: I feel your pain--

PLAIDDER: Please let me never hear you say that again--

GILL: --but this seems very risky to me. They’ve already released the transcript of the phone call; and they’re right, there’s no explicit quid pro quo.

CONN: Oh friend. Do you think a man as practiced in extortion and bullying as this gleachinai is would be stupid enough to use the if-then formula? He blocks their aid, then calls--

PLAIDDER: REGARDLESS! Holding up the aid that Congress had voted to the Ukraine--for ANY reason--was ILLEGAL! He doesn’t get to DECIDE whether he disburses that aid or not! He is supposed to EXECUTE the laws that Congress passes, that is why they call it the fucking EXECUTIVE branch. He is not supposed to LEGISLATE. That’s not how this works. THAT’S NOT HOW ANY OF THIS WORKS.

GILL: I think you should maybe go to commercial, stranger, you’re getting very excited.

CONN: Clearly, you’ve never watched a single episode of this show.

PLAIDDER: Fucking with that aid money is IN ITSELF an impeachable offense! We don’t even need to GET to the question of whether he did it as a quid pro quo.

CONN: Right. Just like the fact that he asked a foreign head of state to go after his political opponent is impeachable in itself, whether or not he ALSO bribed or extorted him to do it.

PLAIDDER: Thank you. I only wish we’d done this sooner.

CONN: I don’t.

PLAIDDER: And now we come to it. You’re about to tell me that Pelosi has been playing seven-dimensional Dubh Solus all this time, aren’t you?

CONN: Yes I am.

PLAIDDER: Oh Lord.

CONN: I kept saying, not yet, not yet. And would you listen to me?

PLAIDDER: No.

CONN: No, you would not. Look. Your people don’t exactly have the concept of linn shanghlaim, but your Nancy Pelosi has been in politics all her life. She knows the fire of union when she sees it. And she also knows when she doesn’t see it. The Mueller investigation did not light that fire. Even if there hadn’t been all the chicanery around releasing the report, the fact that it was so inconclusive just threw water on everything. But she let him think he was winning. Because she knew that if he did, he’d do something worse and more dramatic. And now he has.

PLAIDDER: But Conn...linn shanghlaim is supposed to include everybody. It’s supposed to cut across existing...well, you don’t have formal political parties, but let’s say factional divisions. But there are no Republicans on fire right now. It’s 199 Democrats and Justin Amash.

CONN: I know. We cannot expect miracles.

PLAIDDER: But Pelosi did! She kept saying she wouldn’t do this until she had bipartisan--

CONN: Friend, do you seriously believe that she ever thought for a moment that impeachment would have bipartisan support? She works with those people EVERY. DAY.

PLAIDDER: Well then why--

CONN: Because waiting for this “bipartisan support” which was never going to appear allowed her to delay impeachment indefinitely UNTIL the right moment came along. Which is this one.

PLAIDDER: You can’t prove any of this.

CONN: Look at the results. Instead of dragging a bunch of reluctant, scared, misgiving-filled people behind her into an impeachment half of them don’t want, she’s barely one step ahead of a charging horde, all lit up with the fire of union. This is going to be unstoppable.

GILL: But isn’t thing going to play into your president’s hands? He’s supposed to love conflict, and drama, and his people are always saying impeachment is a political winner for them, and--

CONN: Gill. Friend. Stop. You’re embarrassing yourself.

GILL: I beg your--

CONN: LOOK AT THE RESULTS. For months now, Congress has been demanding documents and testimony and what have you and this administration’s response has been, sue me for it. Word gets out that impeachment is actually in motion and what’s the first thing that happens? The transcript of that call has been released. The whistleblower complaint is maybe going to come out tomorrow. What does that tell you?

GILL: That they’re scared.

CONN: Yes. It tells you that impeachment was the ONLY thing this crew ever took seriously. It’s the ONLY thing that was ever capable of forcing them to obey the law. They never wanted this. They feared it. That “it helps us politically” stuff was pure tarbhfnaa put out by his minions to stave it off.

PLAIDDER: Pelosi also said that’s what he--

CONN: Because she was ALSO trying to stave it off. It was convenient for her to pretend to believe their tarbhfnaa as long as she didn’t think the time was right. But she never did.

PLAIDDER: So she lied to us.

CONN: Friend, not all good women are shriias.

GILL: Now THAT’S the truth.

PLAIDDER: Oh boy.

CONN: Watch her and learn, Gill. Watch and learn.

PLAIDDER: Well, we’ll all be watching. It’s time to wrap up this episode of This Fucking Impeachment...but there will be more!

CONN: WOOOOHOOO! HYA GLEACH! HYA GLEACH! HYA GLEACH!!

GILL: Where in this studio can a man get a DRINK?

#this fcking emergency #this fcking impeachment #conn mac emer

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kangaracha · 4 years

Note

10, 11, 13, 15, 17, 22, 30, 33, 37, 40, 43, 51, 58, 86, 97, 108, 118, 122, 138, 143, 148, and 200

10. How grammatically correct are you when you text?

capital letters, most apostrophes and anything that isn’t on the first page of my phone’s symbols can get fucked, otherwise completely correct

11. What foreign country would you most like to visit and why?

egypt or syria because i wrote an ac1 fanfic set in both places and did some research and now i’m insanely curious about the history and stuff in those regions and the countries around them but i will absolutely never be brave enough to go to either of those places.

13. Favorite food to pig out on?

chocolate but nothing is pigging out when i work it all off so

15. Disney or Nickelodeon?

disney, but that’s unfair on nickelodeon because i never had nickelodeon growing up

17. Name/author of the last book you read cover to cover. Do you recommend it?

house of earth and blood by sarah j maas. it’s not good like.........like technically i wouldn’t rate her writing super highly and the plot is like, a hot mess sometimes, and if you want anything but five pages of porn from the slowburn you’ll be left wanting, but it w a s highly enjoyable and i ran home from work for four days straight just to keep reading it and i am still thinking about it so yeah, i’d recommend it.

22. Last show you binge watched?

ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. i mean i’ve watched two episodes a day of the voice this week which is.......i mean listen, you people will be judging me like ‘ugh that’s not even binge watching’ but two 80 minute episodes when i have four hours of downtime a day is like, a lot for me.

otherwise i watched like four or five episodes in a row of miracle workers on stan a couple weeks ago and it was really good and daniel radcliffe is SUCH a WEIRDO and i desperately want to finish watching it but it’s 6pm and also it’s raining

30. Any styles of music you do not like?

like. screamo. um. really hard, loud rock y’know what i mean. and really boring repetitive stuff that doesn’t change the whole way through. i like a solid beat and a melody that grabs you in a headlock and won’t let you go.

33. Favorite emoji?

the like, the fingers pressed together like ‘perfect’ one. i’m not on my phone. i’ll put it here later.

37. Any movie(s) you can watch over and over again and enjoy just as much every time?

singing in the rain. the little prince on netflix. ummmmmmmmm. howl’s moving castle. like all of how to train your dragon.

40. Have you ever uttered a spoken hashtag?

ironically.

43. Name one celebrity you dislike.

justin bieber and this is hilarious cause two weeks ago i had a whole conversation with one of the girls from work while i was driving us home where we were just shitting on him.

to be fair i haven’t seen anything of him except his music in ages but just like. his lyrics are.....ugh uninspired. disgusting. why do you make me listen to this on the radio. and every time i do see him his attitude is just...........mmm no.

i came back just to add that the line ‘heart full of equity you’re an asset’ haunts me because like......firstly god what a line so romantic, also in my like, region of the world, we call people an asset like, you’re an idiot, you’re somethin’, oh my god you dumbass, y’know. you’re an asset. so every time i hear that line i just hear my mum in my head telling my brother he’s an asset for something dumb he’s done.

51. Have you ever locked your keys in your car?

can’t remember if it was me or my mother who did it and i’m not going to say no because the universe is watching and it will fuck me over

58. Favorite YouTube channel?

achievement hunter but also still skitscape even though he deleted all of his good videos, purely because there used to be this one half hour video of him just roaming around minecraft while his friend yelled at him for deleting footage and there was this thing in there like ‘this is an angry train. i’m on an angry train tony. there will be no stops on this ride’ and i still quote that to this day because i think i’m funny? like i can just hear the way he said it it’s still so funny to me fuck i miss that video

there was just something really cathartic about one friend being angry at another friend while also trying to crack jokes to replace the deleted video for half an hour okay

86. Phrase you say the most?

you tell me keeps

in real life it’s probably ‘fucking stop it’ or clicking/whistling noises and that’s specifically a horse girl thing

97. If you could take home any animal from the zoo, what animal would you take?

zebra

oh no wait maybe a tiger. or a giant turtle. or the cute fox things.

108. Biggest pet peeve?

honestly? wet leadropes.

this is a horse-related peeve. for those confused.

i just....just......just imagine it is winter and you’re looking for a rope. you spot a rope hanging up on the rack. it’s a nice rope, it has not broken clips, it’s the kind of rope that won’t give you ropeburn when a horse inevitably rips it through your hands.

you grab the rope, and immediately your hands are damp and covered in sand grit and horse shit. i just............mmm.

118. Favorite fandom?

zombies, it’s small but good. but also like.......the atla fandom are absolutely killing it right now.

122. Favorite Disney song?

call to the wild. next.

138. Name a moment in your life when you were pleasantly surprised.

the first one that comes to mind, mainly because i was thinking about it today, in 2016 my friend and i took our horses to a showjumping and dressage competition and the classes were like, 40 riders each, and it was the first time i’d ever competed in classes with more than 5 riders.

and she placed in both dressage classes and jumped clear in the jumping, and i placed like, 20th or some shit in both my dressage classes and i can’t remember what happened in the showjumping i think i was just slow as fuck but clear. anyway she knew she might place and i was pretty damn sure i was tenth or worse again, and i was in the middle of unsaddling my horse when they called the results.

and she placed third. and i placed fourth.

and i had to rush to resaddle my horse to present for my ribbon and like damn, best fourth place ever.

143. Have you ever gotten a song you dislike stuck in your head?

sweet but psycho can go fuck itself. what a shit song. get it the fuck off the radio.

148. TV show or movie you quote/reference the most?

parks and rec

200. How long have you been on tumblr?

who would fucking know what a boring last question

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sinceileftyoublog · 4 years

Text

Kyle Forester Interview: A Place of Sanctuary

Photo by Michael Stasiak

BY JORDAN MAINZER

“Marigold, it was a miracle,” sings Kyle Forester on his upcoming second album Hearts in Gardens. The sentiment of the line is emblematic of Forester’s attitude these days. In between his 2016 self-titled debut and now, the former Crystal Stilts and Ladybug Transistor and now Woods member, like everyone else, saw his fair share of highs (the birth of his child, playing on Purple Mountains’ self-titled record, forming a band to play his solo material) and lows (the death of David Berman, the political world at large). So in general but especially on Hearts in Gardens, Forester chooses to focus on the little things, from the flowers in a garden to the sun-kissed psychedelia of his peers.

Speaking to me over the phone last month while walking around and outside an arts supplies store in New York, Forester touched on the writing and recording process of Hearts in Gardens, as well as the books, movies, and albums that inspired or remind him of it. The album’s out February 21st, and he’s playing an opening gig Saturday at Alphaville in Brooklyn and a headlining show March 14th at The Sultan Room, The Turk’s Inn. Read our conversation, edited for length and clarity below.

Since I Left You: You had a lot of positive life changes leading up to this record. Is that what inspired you to make it?

Kyle Forester: Yeah, you know, it’s interesting, actually. The first one was definitely one of these things where Crystal Stilts had kind of wrapped up, and I had nothing major going on, besides all my normal stuff, so I started making music not knowing where it would lead. Then, I did get kind of busy, and my kid was born, and I ended up going back on tour with Woods. One really motivating thing was I had gotten a good band together, and it was really fun to play music again. To have that experience of playing with people I really enjoyed playing with. I didn’t really tour in 2014 or 2015, which was the first time in a while I had not been on tour at all. Then, when I did, that was weirdly inspiring--being out at shows. I really just wanted to give myself another shot at doing my own thing that felt true to the kind of music I like to hear and make. The first record was a little pieced together recording-wise. I had a bunch of it recorded and overdubbed the drums on top of what was there. This time, I really wanted to do a record with a band in a room in a good studio and microphones.

In terms of the writing process, I’m never not writing a bit. I’m one of those people who has 50 scraps on voice memos. It’s more about deciding when it’s time to turn some of those into real songs. Once I decided I wanted to do that, I had lots of stuff to pick from and develop. There were one or two songs I just sat down and wrote. “Hearts and Gardens” was like that, “Know What You’re Doing” was like that. Old fashioned sitting down with your guitar and the song comes out for some reason. But a song like “Marigold”, the main guitar riff was something I started playing one day and recorded it, and I came back to it later and heard it and thought it was interesting, then I wrote another part of it. The thing that was different this time was I got together with my band, who took it to another place. That was cool.

SILY: So the couple tracks that were outliers are the lead single (“Know What You’re Doing”) and the (sort of) title track?

KF: That’s true. It’s funny. I read this lurid John Lennon biography a year ago called The Lives of John Lennon. It was controversial because it was one of the first big bios of Lennon after he died, and it was where the rumor that John Lennon had some kind of sexual relationship with Brian Epstein. Anyway, he had a lot of songs that he labored over, like “Strawberry Fields Forever”, where he had a bunch of versions, and then songs like “Across The Universe”, which is something where he sat down and the song unfurled. I don’t have that experience often. I’ve never considered myself in that sense a real songwriter songwriter. But I do occasionally! [laughs] And I think it’s natural that you feel a special fondness for those songs. They’re little gifts from the universe, whereas the others feel like something you labored over and you had to push out of yourself. “Hearts and Gardens”, we moved into this new apartment, and I set up my new studio and was looking out the window. It’s like that kind of song.

Me and my wife just watched the Lady Gaga A Star Is Born. [laughs] I love movie depictions of songwriting. They’re so funny. Did you see that movie?

SILY: I did.

KF: The idea that they’re hanging out in that parking lot and she sings a couple lines, and going off of that he does an arrangement and she comes on stage and sings it? It’s not a realistic depiction of how music making works, but it’s kind of cool!

SILY: The biopics are even worse, the ones purporting to tell a true story. Did you see Bohemian Rapsody? The scene in the studio where someone stomps and claps and all of a sudden, “We Will Rock You” is born?

KF: Exactly. [laughs] That’s why that movie Walk Hard is so good as a joke.

SILY: It holds up so well!

KF: The part where he’s saying, “It’s a difficult stroll,” and [the title] is coming to him in real time. You can depict it in that way, but it rarely happens that way.

SILY: What specific aesthetic difference was there by having the full band in the studio?

KF: I don’t know how different the music came out. I don’t really listen to my own music much after I’m done making it. I haven’t listened to the two records to hear the difference. I think there are nice little moments of musicianship on this one, on a song like “Another Day”, which has a little bit of jamming. There wasn’t really much of that on the first record. The first song on the first record, called “Won’t Go Crazy”, that was one where I recorded 20 guitars, and there were two different drum tracks. A very inorganic experience, which I also enjoy. But here, you can tell there’s a band playing. You know that album John, The Wolf King of L.A.?

SILY: Yeah.

KF: The playing is so good on that, though I think John Philips might be controversial now. But you could just listen to that band play. Obviously, I don’t think we achieved anything like that. But for me, when I listen to it, I can enjoy those moments. It was fun for me to have Paul [Jenkins] play the bass. I played the bass on the first record. When it’s you, you know what you did, but when it’s someone else, you get to enjoy it more. You’re like, “Oh, that’s a nice thing he did I wouldn’t have done.” It’s a little looser. It’s more in common with some of those classic albums with a good band playing songs. But obviously we did a lot with them afterwards. It wasn’t super naturalistic.

SILY: The first couple tracks, the idea behind them is that you’re still finding beauty in an increasingly chaotic world. You’re finding ways to feel good. Is that increasingly almost a radical state of mind?

KF: I was talking to a friend the other night about how people talk about 80′s goth culture and certain parts of punk culture in the UK. The darkness was a reaction to the Reagan-Thatcher era of politics. A friend was saying that it seems like the Trump era almost seems to be creating this new age interest in spirituality and positivity. That’s a reaction. Trump specifically is so negative, that you can’t be any more negative than him. It is weird. Everything that’s happening with the planet, I feel like a little bit over the last couple years that anyone who cares to know, knows there was stuff that was going to happen. But now, there’s a real creeping sense that we might be living through something. That’s something I think about a lot. That we are or are going to be witness to a time of change in our world that we didn’t think we were going to be witness to. How do you respond to that as a person? You don’t have to do anything, but you certainly can start by getting yourself in order in the way you want to be, and then trying to go out and work from there. That’s not a very articulate way to put it. [laughs]

SILY: I get what you’re saying for sure. When he first got elected, people were saying, from a very privileged perspective, “Music’s gonna be so good!” as if that was their only concern. At the same time, I agree with you--maybe some people were envisioning some sort of 60′s idealism of standing up to injustice through angry music, but you’re also seeing people simply finding ways to cope. If that’s writing about the things in your life that make you feel happy or safe, that’s true and honest.

KF: What we’re going through as a country and society and species, it feels so much deeper and more spiritual than a political issue. It’s not the Vietnam War, where it’s, “We’ll all go out in the streets and stop the Vietnam War.” There’s a whole different way of living and living together that needs to happen if we’re gonna survive. That feels true in a way that maybe hasn’t ever before. It’s very psychedelic.

SILY: I want to ask you about a couple more specific tracks. What was the inspiration behind "[Interlude]”?

KF: I was excited to make my own record, partially because I played with a lot of bands but have never gotten to be in a position where I can do whatever I want. When I first started working on my music, I thought I might do a lot of little instrumental pieces. I sometimes think I’m better at that than writing songs. There are two quasi instrumentals on the first record. But in doing a record with a band, there were 3 or 4 things where I created a simple structure and played it with the drummer and the bass player. One of them is the last song on the record, “On the Way Down”. I literally said to the band, “This tempo, these three chords, go!” We hadn’t practiced it. We played for five minutes. Then, we went home and listened to it and sang over it and made it into a song. If you listen to that one, you can tell it’s the same three chords repeating. We edited the drums to make them have a little more shape. “[[Interlude]” was just one that didn’t get words on it. There were five minutes of us playing that riffing pattern. I kind of want to make an instrumental record. I love krautrock and weird synthesizer jamming kind of records. I like listening to albums, so I like thinking about an album in terms of the things you can do to break up the listening experience so you’re not just listening to a bunch of songs. An interlude makes you stop for a second and notice you’re listening to music.

SILY: When working on “On The Way Down”, did you know it was going to be the album closer?

KF: No, I didn’t. This album was particularly unsequenced. I didn’t really have a vision for it. I don’t know if I had anything else in mind for the closer, though. It’s not really a pun, but ending the album on a song called “On The Way Down” felt like a fade-out. I like the mood of that song. It’s maybe a little eerie, but it’s nice to listen to.

SILY: How did you end up deciding upon the sequencing of the record in general?

KF: I’ve been through that process a lot with bands. I remember the last Crystal Stilts record where we had a band meeting, and I brought construction paper where we wrote out all the different sequences and figured out which ones worked. Sequencing is super interesting. I tend to do it with vinyl listening in mind even if it’s not how most people are going to hear it. I think about what’s a good starter, side A end, side B starter, etc. I like “Turn of the Century” at the end of Side A. Side A of Abbey Road ends you with “I Want You (She’s So Heavy)”. “Another Day”, I wanted to start the second side with something exciting. And “On the Way Down” to end. I kind of do this thing where I listen to beginnings and endings a bunch of time to hear what sounds good. When I was 12 years old, I was really into reading Guitar World magazine. I was reading this interview with KISS, and Paul Stanley said something like, “The chorus should scratch an itch the verse creates.” I think about that all the time in songwriting and sequencing. You listen to a song, what kind of song does that put you in the mood to listen to? I don’t like KISS, by the way, for the record. [laughs]

SILY: What made you want to call the record Hearts in Gardens?

KF: That was actually suggested by the guy that made the album artwork. His name is Jay Pluck; he’s a cool dude. I was struggling with this. At one point, I was going to call it Marigold, but then I heard the band Pinehurst is putting out an album called Marigold. I think they just put it out.

SILY: Yeah, Pinegrove.

KF: Pinegrove! I just called them Pinehurst. [laughs] But I was like, “Yeahhh...I’m not gonna share an album title with them.”

SILY: Probably a good move.

KF: Those kind of things are funny. Obviously, it wouldn’t have mattered. But I think Hearts in Gardens resonates with a lot of things. The idea that you’re finding good things in places. You have a garden, which is a closed space, and your heart is a place of sanctuary. It somehow resonated. It doesn’t really mean anything. But it means a lot of things, too.

Jay is an artist and a musician. I used to share a practice space with him. He makes really crazy show fliers. I’ve always been a fan of his work, and he works in a collage style. He’s an unbelievably creative guy. Pretty early when the record was done, I asked him about the artwork, and he listened to the record a bunch. He knew I was struggling with the album title. He did the cover of the first record, too, with a similar process: describe a few things to him, gave him a few images, and then he just made it. I really like what he did with this album. I’m tickled by it. It’s really hard. When you’re a musician and you collaborate with people, whether for the music video or art, it can be such a painful process. Art, like music, is fundamentally non-verbal. You can have a two-hour meeting to talk about what you have in mind, but until there’s something you’re both looking at, you don’t really know if you’re talking about the same thing. I’ve had that experience plenty of times, where you talk to someone about what you want, and then they make it, and it’s not what you were thinking. It hits home when it’s really great. Jay had this idea with the cliff and the water. I will cop to being a big fan of the band Genesis; the album Foxtrot has a really insane album cover that also involves a shore. I like anything in common with the artwork of that-era Genesis.

SILY: Are you playing these tracks live?

KF: We’ve played a few live. I’ve been taking a break from playing shows, but now we’re getting a new set ready. Do you know the band Modern Nature?

SILY: I just saw them the other night!

KF: Did you enjoy the show?

SILY: Yeah, it was awesome. I really like them. Olden Yolk played, too.

KF: Oh yeah, I like them.

SILY: And Tōth and Hannah Cohen. I love Sunwatchers, too.

KF: Totally. So I went to see Modern Nature in New York, and they started playing, and I realized they were just playing the album. I was like, “That’s cool, maybe I should do that.” We’re gonna play a couple shows in February and March, and maybe we’ll just play the album in homage to Modern Nature and lots of other bands who have done that [laughs] But there are some songs from the first record we never learned as a band because we never played them because that record wasn’t made that way. In this case, we can pretty much play all of them. A few of them have guitar tuning issues. I’m happy with how they all turned out, but a song like “Lily” could drift into a type of music I don’t like as much.

SILY: Why is that?

KF: A really weird experience when I’m playing music live, maybe you played it slower or faster, or maybe there are important elements from the record you don’t have live, but it feels different. It feels like a different type of song than how it feels to you when recorded. In the case of “Lily”, it could turn into a cliche classic rock song. And I wrote it in the Keith Richards guitar tuning. My mind goes towards “not good bar band.” It’s a weird thing to worry about.

SILY: Are you coming to Chicago?

KF: I would like to! Last time around, I didn’t get to touring much. I did some East Coast touring. But this time, I had someone write me asking whether I’d like to come to Columbus. And I’d like to come to Chicago just to go to Chicago because I have some friends there. So then I got thinking about going in that direction. I think that could be cool. I gotta try harder this time. Booking tours is hard. It’s hard until it’s easy, but one of the things I get hung up on is whether I should try to get a legit show, an opening slot, or do really small DIY-ish kind of shows. I never know which direction to turn. So the answer is maybe.

SILY: Is there anything you’ve been listening to, watching, or reading lately that’s caught your attention?

KF: I’m always listening to lots of things. I like that new Modern Nature record. In my house, we’re really into Alex Cameron. His new album Miami Memory is my feel-good record. I’ve been a lot to this label Unseen Worlds. He does a lot of reissues, weird, meandering piano stuff. I’ve been listening a lot to this Michael Vincent Waller record. I really like instrumental music you can just put on. The last couple days I’ve been listening a lot to this Irish record I came aware of through Cian Nugent. I think he produced it or co-produced it. It’s Aoife Nessa Frances’ [Land of No Junction]. The last four days I’ve been playing that every day and have been really enjoying.

I don’t really watch things. Over the holidays, me and my wife got into watching blockbusters. We just watched Crazy Rich Asians and A Star Is Born. I just read a book I really liked, A Small Place by Jamaica Kincaid. I hacked my way through a Maria Montessori book...Do you know who Gary Valentine is? He was in the first lineup of Blondie. He now goes by his real name and writes books about very esoteric subjects. He wrote a book about Aleister Crowley. He wrote a book about the role dark arts played in the rise of Trump. He also wrote a biography of Rudolf Steiner I read, which I really like. [Steiner] founded Waldorf schools and invented biodynamic farming, so he’s having a movement with all these people drinking organic wine. He was a really far-out dude.

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armada-of-ships-against-antis · 5 years

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Good Omens Rambling 1

I say this is number 1, because I expect other ramblings to follow.

So my best friend started watching it now too and so yeah, I came up with some things that I have observed or interpret in a certain way or just find it funny.

So for one, I found out after I watched the series, that Micheal Sheen was also voice actor in a movie I had watched like 50 times. Half of them in English and I couldn’t believe how blind deaf I was. I still think it’s funny comparing Aziraphale to the White Rabbit from Alice in Wonderland (2010) / Alice through the looking glass (2016). Especially the “oh dear” made me realize: yeah, yeah, that’s him. So the White Rabbit has white fur and our dear Angel very light blond hair. Both wearing waistcoats, being extremely polite and always wear a pocket watch. It is also kind of funny to think of Aziraphale as a rabbit, when Crowley is the snake. :)

Next thing that also came up, was me trying to tell her, that she will see some stunt scenes... and she should keep in mind, that those are not CGI animated. They really made David Tennant do it. I was talking nearly spoiler free about him driving the burning Bentley. Suddenly I realized, that was not the first scene he had to shot surrounded by fire. So they not only blew up the empty frame of the Bentley and let an actor really drive it, while being aflame, no they also set the whole set of Aziraphales bookshop on fire! Those guys really know how to play with fire... maybe some people just want to see the world burn :D

I was also thinking about that scene from 1967 Soho London. I’m not entirely sure about Aziraphales reasons to give Crowley the holy water. I mean, he knows that holy water will erase his complete existence while a robbery might just end in Crowley having to file some paper work for a new body after his old was shot and died. (Maybe, just maybe it wasn’t about the danger of the robbery but that Aziraphale didn’t wanted Crowley to leave for an unknown period of time while having to wait for a new body?)

Also, can you imagine what would have happened if Aziraphale had tricked him back then? Can you imagine what Hastur and Ligur would have done to him, if it hadn’t been real holy water in that thermos can?!? Like if Aziraphale had tried to rescue Crowley by giving him a fake, that would not kill him, but would keep him from robbing a church, that would have been pretty fatal in the end, right?

Last topic for this post of rambling: When both worked incognito to be near Warlock aka the fake Antichrist, was Aziraphale even working once properly? I have read in the book, that it seemed like he never actually did anything remotely to gardening and yet everything around him blossomed. While Crowley seemed to take his role pretty serious, even singing some lullaby to the boy. I wouldn’t be surprised when Crowley tried to give his friend advice about plants and how they grow best (by threatening them of course) and Aziraphale says, he just miracles them to grow and the demon is so upset, that he puts no actual work into this.

I mean can you imagine this? As Warlocks Nanny, Crowley has a real full-time job to watch out for the kid, ect, while the angel just sits all day in the garden, humming a song and does nothing! But I guess that’s how Crowley at least roles. If he wants to do something and he puts his mind on it, he goes all out of his way to perform it like he did with the M25 or bringing down the mobile phone network. While Aziraphale does what? I dunno (I haven’t read that far in the book, to know if something is described there). But he strikes me as the guy who does what is expected from him, maybe altering and bending it a little, but the only time I see him go out of his way is when it’s about books. He literally devours the nice and accurate prophecies of Agnes Nutter witch in a non stop marathon (even his cocoa was already solidified and green fur started to grow, that is how long he did nothing else but reading that book! - Is that 3 days or longer?)

So yeah this was it for tonight. I’ll maybe have more in store later.

#Good Omens #Aziraphale #Crowley #Azirowley #personal thoughts

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vanilla-blessing · 5 years

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qb anime of the year list 2018

Anime of the Year 2018 - the year of girls going to aquariums together

I’ve seen at least one person who claimed that 2018 was the best year for anime in recent memory and I’m inclined to agree. A large majority of my top ten list is shows that I would consider perfect and even shows that blew away what I thought was possible in the medium. It was a revolutionary year and makes a strong argument that anime wasn’t a mistake after all. - qb

Hugtto! Precure blew away my expectations every week for close to a year. I don’t exactly know what to say about it here, since this isn’t the last time I’ll talk about it for sure. It doesn’t even end in 2018, but it was such a huge part of my 2018 in anime that it would be inaccurate to not include it. The only way I can think to explain Hugtto! Precure is to talk about the Netflix She-ra reboot. She-ra’s a pretty basic modern Dreamworks cartoon, with some interesting ideas thrown in and likable characters, but mostly held back by what they could realistically allot for production. Because of this limitation, She-ra goes hard on a single perfect episode (if you’ve seen it, you know which one) that stands out in a big way and shows the full potential of what they set out to make. Usually, Precure is lucky to get a handful of these stand-out episodes in a season, and most of the time just gets by, due to being an annual series that can never, ever take a break. Normally, the first few episodes of a Precure season can be counted on to be strong, but the realities of anime production being hella tough inevitably catch up.

Hugtto! Precure started with an incredible opening arc, then never let off the gas pedal. Nearly every episode of Hugtto is a stand-out, never-before-seen, innovative tour-de-force. The combination of production miracles that resulted in Hugtto has been talked about by me on this blog before, (http://vanilla-blessing.tumblr.com/post/176000267859/hana-is-getting-unstable-a-pink-precure) but the length of time that Hugtto stayed in the paint, going extremely hard every single week with few exceptions, was just absurd. Every season of Precure has one or two peaks, sometimes a good season gets lucky and has even more, the best seasons bat a solid average, but are still expected to be held back by reality. Coming out of the fifteenth season of Precure with a majority of the best episodes in the entire franchise isn’t something that I can wrap my head around, but it definitely happened, mostly in 2018. It’s simultaneously a love letter to the franchise’s past, present, and future made by the biggest Precure fans on the planet, and it’s unquestionably the best season. Hugtto threw what we all knew was true and had accepted about Precure clear out the window, retroactively made older seasons better, watered my crops, brought world peace, ect.

Oh yeah and boys can be cures now.

I’m definitely not done with Revue Starlight and this won’t be the last time I talk about it. Revue Starlight essentially carried the Summer 2018 anime season on its back. Starlight absolutely dominated my anime watching schedule; my week was seriously just waiting for and watching different translations and releases with every other show being almost incidental, far less important than waiting for the song lyrics to get translated for an episode I had seen three times already. I won’t get into everything here, since I’ve already talked about it on this blog after all (http://vanilla-blessing.tumblr.com/post/179023723689/subtext-is-for-cowards-revue-starlight), but I need to reiterate that it was such a commanding, unique, stylized experience and didn’t drop a single episode in its entire absurdly high-level production. The only reasonable explanation for this is devil magic, and hell, it was worth it. Revue Starlight is probably in my top 5 anime of all time and I wouldn’t get this list out if I said everything I wanted to say about it. It’s great. Watch it twenty times.

Pop Teen Epic, or Hoshiiro Girldrop, was the most wildcard that has ever been in seasonal anime, and could have been absolutely anything. What none of us predicted was just how much of anything this show would be, encompassing an unprecedented range of artists, voice acting talent, and whatever AC-bu are, each giving their very individual takes on a self-described shitpost comic strip, sometimes covering the exact same material two or three times, with no regard for any sort of cohesion or structure.

Nothing about this idea should have been funded, nothing in Pop Team Epic has any reason to work, and as a straight adaptation probably wouldn’t have worked. PTE spun gold from trash through the raw effort of artists doing their own thing, which captures the original spirit that made the formerly-cancelled comic popular in a way that’s much too intelligent for haters to understand. Also it got a dub, which is the most ridiculously bad idea i’ve heard in my life, and it owns that it happened.

Spider-man into the Spider-verse is legit the best comic book movie ever made. It’s a fun, expressive twist on the most tired superhero origin story of all time, and showcases some of the most sssssssssstyle and raw, real emotion I’ve ever seen in animation. Its particular selection of influences is brilliant and poignant, rising far above the simple fanservice you’ve come to expect from Spider-man. The unrelenting individualistic spirit of this movie will stick with you the longest in the soundtrack, bravely incorporating a side of pop music that you don’t usually get to see in big-budget productions, pulling soundcloud rappers out of their grody (i’m told) dens into the spotlight with equal importance alongside the heroic score. Spider-verse is all about establishing your own unique flavor, and it manages to overwrite every other entry in this cursed franchise with its bold taste.

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It doesn’t make sense to me how amazing Aggretsuko’s dub is. The impeccable timing of each line, the perfect integration with the comedy, and the optimal length of the episodes are all far beyond what I expected from a Netflix show. It not only converted the original series of shorts that I already had on my top 10 the first year into a godlike longer series I didn’t know I wanted, but went to the effort to bring real metal singers in for the karaoke. Honestly just repeat everything I said in my 2016 list and multiply it by five. I hope they make more. They’re making more.

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I was pretty slow to pick up anime in the Winter 2018 season, but I never missed Hakumei and Mikochi, maybe because it was like, the only simulcast on my favorite online anime streaming subscription service HiDiVE. The subs weren’t great, and it certainly wasn’t all that popular, but it was just the relaxing show I needed. Hakumei and Mikochi brought me back to my favorite non-racist parts of the Redwall series of books: friendly animals, delicious foods, alcohol, and rustic songs. I was ready to put it on my list for simply being a cute healing foodie anime, but to my surprise, it had much more in store within its tiny world: stark confrontations with mortality, a shy riverside necromancer, the inexplicable remake of The Raid: Redemption in miniature, fashion trends, frogs, carpenter weasels, carpenter skeletons, ghost celebrations, a country beetle with lofty dreams. The list of memorable people, places, and things contained in the gnomish roommates’ tiny world goes on and on.

Masaomi Ando’s directing went completely along with the storybook aesthetic, maybe even to an overall detriment, which is exactly the kind of reckless commitment to style I love to see. The distinctive paneling, constantly gorgeous backgrounds, and deliberate pacing perfectly captured the imaginative stories I loved to read as a kid, but with more alcohol, and more sophisticated themes under the surface. Even something anime rarely get right, endings, were perfectly capstoned every week with a short digest that explored more of the history, legends, and very personal lore of their small, unique world. At its core, Hakumei and Mikochi is the calming story of tiny roommates you think it is, but it’s also so much more. They have day jobs and get drunk and remodel their house after it explodes that one time. They gamble dangerously to escape a blizzard, help a photographer give herself a little credit, and rescue their neighbor from a fancy grave of her own making. By the end of the show Hakumei practically built half a town. The collective stories from their everyday adventures build into something tremendous, and it all wraps up on the most perfect ending sequence I could have hoped for, which calls back to every story thus far as a new verse of the show’s central duet is sung. In any reasonable AnimeOTY Hakumei and Mikochi would be my top anime of 2018, but this year, the competition was unreasonable. This show will just have to settle for being the best regular anime of the year.

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Bloom Into You is an incredible adaptation of an apparently yuri romance manga that raises the bar for anime adaptations in general. I don’t know when, but somewhere along the line I stopped expecting that serious capital R Romance anime would have a distinctive style, and gave up to the notion that there was no demand anymore and a stylized, seinen/josei romance would just never get made. Well that was 2016 and then Scum’s Wish happened which this blog has covered extensively.(http://vanilla-blessing.tumblr.com/post/168842023559/how-lerche-adapted-an-average-trashy-romcom-into, http://vanilla-blessing.tumblr.com/post/168789506264/scums-wish-and-our-messy-uncomfortable) To me Bloom Into You feels similar in concept, as a difficult romantic situation with no easy answers or completely happy people. The main perspective character, Yuu, is among my favorite romantic leads in any series; she doesn’t get romantic feelings, although she wants to, and despite being easily motivated, is kind of dispassionate. Her relationship that she was pushed into with Touko might as well be out of mutual convenience, since Touko doesn’t want to fall in love with someone who would love her back, and Yuu doesn’t think she can.

Yuu filters the developments of the series as they grow closer through a very different perspective compared to more emotional leads of usual romance stories, methodically breaking down and considering where she’s at, observing where others are at, before taking an action that makes sense to her. Her growth through the series takes a very different direction than the common dramatic formula; instead of running headfirst into misunderstandings to overcome romantic challenges, she’s compelled to take a step back and position herself in a way that allows her to understand and confront her girlfriend’s issues. The changes that she experiences herself during this process are extremely gradual, but are no less significant to her. Although the dramatic weight of the series is obviously all about Touko, the central thesis of Bloom Into You is to explore Yuu’s complex feelings, and ask to what degree our actions are dictated by our emotions. It’s a heavy topic to be sure, but what makes this anime adaptation special in particular is how the directing and production pull it off, to maybe an even stronger degree than the original material.

Bloom Into You’s most striking and noticeable feature is the incredible conservation of small movements that connect expressions naturally. Minute changes in characters’ faces are vital to observe the almost imperceptible changes in Yuu over the course of the series, and every aspect of the direction is in service of highlighting these subtle moments. In addition, repeated cinematic themes are reinforced over the show’s run, such as the use of light to impart a blinding realization, flower language to inform deeper personalities, even using a literal (not literal) cinema. Symbols such as trains, masks, and mirrors are used constantly and consistently to reinforce the show’s themes, which should be immediately obvious from the opening animation. I’m still kind of stunned that Bloom Into You’s ending theme is such a banger and managed to use an oscillating sine curve in a metaphorical way. These details might be lost without the brilliant layouts, intentionally resembling a stage, which always push the minute differences front and center. As an anime adaptation, Bloom Into You adds so much value in such a subdued, conservative way that it puts uninspired adaptations to shame.

Thunderbolt Fantasy 2 rounded out the year with a good old new-fashioned Japanese-speaking Chinese-Wuxia Taiwanese puppet show. The novelty of this wild series, like, existing at all, is still incredible to me, but I was really wowed by the new characters and the direction the series went in after the already high standards of the first season. Following the outrageous action and fights of the previous season, I did not expect that season 2’s introductory goon would 1. Live past the first episode 2. So quickly become my favorite swordfighter and 3. Have inarguably the most complete character arc of the entire show thus far. The Princess of Cruelty’s struggle against her inner and outer demons in a unreasonably stacked, desperate situation developed her into easily the most compelling character of the season, and the rest of the cast including a corrupt police officer with extremely disconcerting and bad puppet teeth, a ventriloquist rock-lutist, and a nihilist monk each bring their own unique flavors to the table. The table that they throw the puppets in the air from to make the show. All of the new elements of Thunderbolt Fantasy 2 improved an already strong formula even more, and revealed an emotional depth to the series that I’m excited to see developed further. Some people might not call this anime, but those people haven’t seen Thunderbolt Fantasy for longer than 2 seconds. It’s so anime.

I blasted all available seasons of Star vs the Forces of Evil early in 2018, and it was basically my first foray into straight-up American cartoon magical girl, despite watching all the Japanese ones, which was probably an oversight on my part. That’s because Star Versus is really good, and provided a flavor of magical girl I had been missing out on. I could talk about the excellent sparkle witch aesthetic of the show, fluid animation, and hilarious comedy, but I’d rather spend this blogspace posting Star Butterfly faces.

#10

A Place Further Than the Universe, or YoriMoi, or my preferred moniker That Antartica Anime, wasn’t on my radar until well after it had finished airing, but it stuck with me for most of the year. Although it’s definitely melodramatic at times, it utilizes this tendency in exactly the right way to enhance the individual characters’ emotional arcs. Even though I was personally sort of taken out of it for many of the girls’ personal trials, :penguin emoji: is obviously thoughtfully written and carefully constructed, and especially knows how to orchestrate an immense emotional reaction with pitch-perfect timing. If there’s one particular aspect this anime has absolute mastery over, it’s hitting that perfect note and cue to create a memorable narrative climax. And for all my bellyaching about not fully relating to some of the characters, Miyake is definitively the #1 qb-relatable character of the year.

Here’s the rest of my list. Don’t @ me about it because if its not on my top ten then it doesnt really count anymore i dont make the rules thats just how it is

11. Yuru Camp

12. Hisone and Masotan

13. Asagao to Kase-san

14. Devilman Crybaby

15. After the Rain

16. Planet With

- friend of the show @queuebae on twitter

That’s why the 2018 anime of the year award goes to Kaiju Girls 2.

#top ten anime 2018 #top ten pop team epics #pop teen epic #pop team epic #hoshiiro girldrop #poppiteppikiu #popttippiku #bob team epic #bob epic team #PTE 2018 #Pop Team Epic Season 2

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a-queer-seminarian · 6 years

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a masterpost of all the sermons i’ve preached

just because i feel like having them all in one place!

all of these links lead to audio of me preaching and a transcipt of the sermon. i include an excerpt from each sermon, and i’ve put the titles of the sermons i’m proudest of in bold.

“The Neighbors Nobody Wants,” Luke 10:25-37

My first sermon! Preached at University Presbyterian Church (now called Grace Presbyterian Church) on July 20, 2016

How often have you put the word Christian in quotation marks when you’re talking about “those Christians”, you know the ones, who claim to serve God with one breath and oppress LGBT people with the next! Those “Christians,” who drive anyone different from them away from their churches and refuse to bake cakes for same sex couples — we put them in quotation marks because we all know they’re not really Christians, am I right? Wrong. Their perspectives may range from mildly dissimilar to fundamentally at odds with our own when it comes to various issues, and yet — we share a God with them. We share a Savior with them, and even more intimately, a Body. They may not like it any more than we do, but we are all part of the Body of Christ. This is even more intimate than being neighbors with them, which is pretty intimate in itself — this is a matter of beating as one heart, listening for the same voice with the same ears, walking the earth with the same feet. It’s hard to admit it, but these are neighbors we have turned away from, have given up on. And these are also neighbors who have been the robbers in our own stories, beating us and denouncing us for being LGBT or even just supporting those who are. And maybe we have good reason for calling them “false” Christians — maybe we do it because they first did it to us. But if any healing will ever happen in this beautiful, bruised, broken Body of Christ, both sides need to drop the quotation marks. No more Christians versus “Christians.” Because what right do we have to judge who is or isn’t really Christian?

“Silence,” Esther 8:9-14

Preached at Louisville Seminary chapel for its More Light (LGBT) service, October 2016

Listen. I know how your heart speeds up when you try to speak up— my heart does too. I know the lump that forms in your throat (that’s Silence, trying to stop you from speaking) and when you speak anyway, maybe people will be mad. Maybe you’ll have to fight. Maybe you’ll even lose. But speak anyway. And if you have to fight, then fight not with swords but with words, not with violence but with love and truth. If we speak, the scars of silences once carried will map themselves into a vision of a future where no one needs to bury themselves to stay alive.

“Called from Conformity into Renewal,” Romans 12 (only a transcript for this one)

Preached at Louisville Seminary chapel for its preach-in service in solidarity with Princeton Theological Seminary during their preach-in in protest of raising the voice of Tim Keller, who is against LGBT+ people and women being ordained, on their campus; April 2017

“Do not be conformed to this world,” they reminded me. “This world,” according to them, was one that was all too lax in terms of sexuality and gender. “This world” celebrated being LGBT to the point that it was practically a trend, so that everyone these days thought they were gay or bi or ace or trans. Wow, I would love to find “this world” these guys claimed to be living in.

“Taking Up the Cross and Finding Life,” Mark 8:27-36 (link leads to a video and transcript instead of audio)

Preached at Louisville Seminary chapel for its More Light (LGBT) service, October 2017

The world tells me these things — my gender, my love— are just my cross to bear – and to bury, that I need to suffer because somehow these things are sins, that’s right – my love, love! the pair of wings God fixed on my shoulders to help me fly to Them is actually a heavy weight, a sin, a sickness – but God knows I have seen far too many of my people nail themselves to that cross, bleed out as you watched to think for a moment that God is the one who placed that cross on our shoulders.

“Song in Babylon: Joy as Resistance,” Jeremiah 29

Preached at Covenant Community Church in Louisville on November 26, 2017

Maybe sometimes, resistance is not about big actions, about battles, about outright rebellion. Maybe sometimes, resistance is the simple decision to keep living, to not give those who would see you crushed the satisfaction. God is asking Their chosen to do the impossible -- to keep on farming and having families right there in exile -- because God knows this is what will enable them to survive. God tells the people to multiply in Babylon, and not to decrease – because choosing to waste away in their grief, to flicker and fade into nothing while they wait for God to lead them home, would be the act of surrender. To plant and grow, to celebrate marriages and births and the simple pleasures of daily life – that is the act of resistance.

“Talking to Strangers,” John 4:1-30, 39-42

Preached at Covenant Community Church in Louisville on January 28, 2018

I invite you to imagine the kind of person you would be shocked to be asked for something from. For me, it would be a certain brand of Christian. For an extreme version, think of a Westboro Baptist Christian, who literally wants people like me dead. For a less extreme version, I think of my girlfriend’s parents, who shudder at the mere mention of me. I can’t imagine them asking me for water, making me aware of their need. And besides, wouldn’t sharing a cup with me give them, like, queer cooties or something? Reverse the image, now. Whom would you never be caught dead asking for something from? Would I dare to ask one of those types of Christians for water? Or would I decide there’s no use asking, of course they’d never share with the likes of me. Why should I put myself at their mercy like that only to be turned down?

“ ‘Who Sinned?’ -- Re-thinking Disability and Centering the Marginalized in Their Own Stories,” John 9:1-38

Preached at Covenant Community Church in Louisville on February 11, 2018

One of the stranger conversations I’ve had in my life involved me mentioning to an acquaintance that I was autistic. I was not prepared for their response: “Oh no! What happened?”I had no clue what answer they were expecting. What happened? Um...I was born?

“I AM the Light of the World,” John 8:12-18

Preached at Covenant Community Church in Louisville on February 25, 2018

The light that Jesus brings is not always comfortable. It’s the dentist’s lamp that sears into your eyes, makes your pupils shrink in pain – but is necessary as something that can illuminate the dark recesses of your mouth. Without that light, the dentist won’t be able to identify the buildup of plaque, the wearing down of gums, the signs of cavity. It’s not about judging what you’ve done to your teeth – it’s about making things right. Are you ready to let that light into your life? Are you ready for the transformation it brings?

“I AM the Vine,” John 15

Preached at Covenant Community Church in Louisville on March 25, 2018

Saint Catherine of Siena, a nun from the fourteenth century, has a slightly different vision of what it means for Jesus and humanity to be joined as one plant; here are her words: “And you, high eternal Trinity, ...When you saw that this tree could bear no fruit but the fruit of death because it was cut off from you who are life, you came to its rescue with the same love with which you had created it: you engrafted your divinity into the dead tree of our humanity.” ...I appreciate Saint Catherine’s conception of grafting [because] grafting together plants of a different species is tricky business; often,the two prove to be incompatible. But in this story we find that, by some miracle, divinity and humanity are two compatible “plants,” that somehow, our created state can be joined to our Creator’s state. ...

"The Remorseful Cry,” 2 Samuel 18 (that link leads to the transcript; see here for a video recording)

Preached in my basic preaching class on April 1, 2018

We are called to an expansive love, a love that cares for our most distant neighbor as much as our closest friend, a love that extends even over our enemy. If we love in this way, things will get much more complicated, and much messier. After all, if we love the casual acquaintance at work and the stranger on the street as truly as we love our sibling or parent or partner, we’ll be compelled to look and notice how our individual decisions are affecting their lives. We will find that our tiny sphere of personal relationships creates ripples that spread much further out.

“The Wounds of Jesus: Goodness Embodied,” John 20

Preached at Covenant Community Church in Louisville on April 8, 2018

Christianity has been deeply influenced by the dualism of Greco-Roman thought, which claims that the spiritual is good and the physical is bad, that we are most godly when we can escape the “cage” of bodily desires. We strip all manner of physicality from our conceptions of heaven, letting it become some abstract realm in the clouds where spirits whiz around free of their bodies. And I totally get the appeal of this vision of heaven – there is a lot that I do not love about my own body. People gender me wrong because of it, for one thing; and it’s susceptible to pain; and my skin and eyes and ears are overly sensitive, often leading to distress; and I absolutely hate getting sick, who doesn’t? ...But this favoring of the spiritual over the physical, glorifying the former and demonizing the latter, cannot be the whole picture – not when God shaped those bodies in the Beginning and called them Good; not when Jesus rose from the dead not only spiritually but bodily.

“Jesus Gets Schooled,” Mark 7:1-8, 15, 24-30

Preached at Covenant Community Church in Louisville on May 6, 2018

In this story the humanity of our divine-and-human Jesus is at the forefront. At first it shows us the ugliest parts of that humanity, the tendency towards prejudice that all of us have...but, thanks to his willingness to hear the woman out we will see this ugliness transform into one of the most beautiful parts of human nature: the ability to learn, to change our minds, to improve ourselves.

“When the Good News Feels Like Bad News,” Amos 7:7-15 and Mark 6:14-29

Preached at Grace Presbyterian Church in Tuscaloosa on July 15, 2008

Following in the footsteps of the prophets is no easy thing – it’s an often uncomfortable, sometimes dangerous or costly, frequently thankless task. People receive the good news like it is bad news – because from the perspective of the world, it is. God’s good news of social norms turned on their heads, of liberation of those who are dehumanized and exploited, demands major changes, changes that will come with losses. We may lose some friendships, some comforts, some unfair advantages in order to reach the new heaven and earth. We will all die a little before we are raised up utterly transformed.

“Radical Rest: The Fourth Commandment,” Exodus 20:1-11

Preached at Covenant Community Church in Louisville on August 19, 2018

It’s my favorite of the Ten Commandments, even though I cannot claim to follow it very well. Who can, these days? Who can say they take off a whole day every week just to rest? It’s impossible, for most of us. ...And that’s why I love the command to rest one day every week: I love it because it seems impossible. Because if we were to achieve it, it would be a radical thing. Because God does not instruct us to have this Sabbath rest only for ourselves, but for “you, your son or your daughter, your male or female slave, your livestock, or the alien resident in your towns.” In the days of the Bible, children were subject to the whims of their father, livestock to their farmers, slaves to their masters–they could only rest if he said they could. ... For God to declare that these people must be allowed to rest alongside the people in power is a command for equity, for justice.

#worship #sermon tag #sermons #log #masterpost

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elenatria · 6 years

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hello! ive gone through your hiddlesworth headcanons tag and i absolutely love every single one of them

Awww thanks for loving my Hiddlesworth headcanons, that means a lot! ^__^

As for where the Tom vs Taika theory came from… Shall I tell you?… :-P

There’s no evidence or hints of Tom not liking Taika’s style whatsoever. I’ve asked the people making those claims time and time again and I got no answers, to the point I thought they had inside info or something and they wouldn’t tell us lol.

So, as a disclaimer, this is my SPECULATION, my HEADCANON. I do believe some people will get offended anyways by my assuming things about fans and celebrities I do not know personally so beware of… imminent butthurtness. *puts helmet on and opens an umbrella*

There’s a simple explanation to the Tom vs Taika dispute: it’s called… Loki/Tom stanning. Not in the sense that the majority of Loki/Tom stans are not nice people who support him and his work. In the sense that some Loki/Tom stans cannot love Loki or Tom without hating on Thor, Chris or Taika.

Why? Because to them everything is a pissing contest and their baby is not loved enough if another baby in the same film gets… equal, or bigger amounts of love. The logic of it all makes my brain trickle out of my ears.

Get this: if a THOR movie called “THOR” isn’t all about… Loki/Tom, if co-stars and directors are not sucking up to him 24/7, if Loki isn’t the badassest badass who badasses the shit out of Thor, then there must be something wrong with the movie, with the protagonist who’s “the new flavour” (Chris) or with the director who “doesn’t care enough about Loki’s character/arc” (Taika) because he has his own headcanon about Thor and Loki and “loves Thor/Chris more”.

There are many many people disappointed in “Ragnarok” (and Taika) because this time it was Loki who got his ass kicked, Loki who got tricked, Loki who got pushed around for shits and giggles. Oh my GAWD the horror, the poor poor innocent baby who is allowed to blast a whole city, throw his brother out of a hellicarrier, lie to him on several occasions because “he was adopted and lied to” and get away with it all, while some stans bawl their eyes out just because he got… electrocuted and because Thor didn’t suck his metaphorical dick in the elevator scene proclaiming his undying love to him (as if Thor DIDN’T try to do that on several occasions in the past - and failed). So, to them, Loki being on his brother’s side, helping him, meant he was back again in Thor’s shadow, and Loki is not supposed to do that, in any film. He’s supposed to be a king and rule the universe and be the coolest shit in all Thor films, as if his mere existence in the comics isn’t permanently linked with his brother’s fate. There would be no Loki without Thor but… whatever, don’t try telling them that. They talk about “balance” and “equality” but in reality all they want is Loki to take center stage again. Talking about insecurities.

Then there’s the Tom stanning. Again, if a “Thor” promo tour is not all about Tom (and people forget that this happened mostly during “The Dark World”, when Marvel caught up to Loki’s popularity - and NOT so much during the two previous films) then there must be something wrong with the director, right? Let’s face it, Taika is the “fresh prince of Marvel” these days, promoting himself and his work, leaving his fingerprints all over the film, filling the promo tour and the gag reels with his exhuberant persona. He likes to act like a total diva who loves himself and never misses a chance to show off (watch him photo-bombing Vin Diesel’s selfie vid during the 10 Years of Marvel photo shoot), and why not dammit, he’s gorgeous and funny and a genius, the fucking absolute role-model. Apparently Marvel sensed he can work miracles with the franchise and gave him free rein.

Can you see the coincidence here? Tom was all about promoting his work (and Ragnarok) at Wizard World and Nerd HQ up until summer 2016. Then, when it was time to do the Ragnarok promo tour a year later, Tom’s withdrawal, exhaustion and absence from most Ragnarok premieres (and interviews) combined with Taika’s popularity and self-promotion led people to believe Taika had stolen his thunder.

Less Tom + More Taika = They don’t like each other/don’t work well together, geddit?

The thing is, Tom and Taika have many things in common, but they’re also very very different.

So after talking to my friend @dinamicus we came to the conclusion that might even… confirm what Tom stans say!… I mean yeah, they might be right!… But I assure you, from my part, it’s a TOTAL HEADCANON based on Tom’s studies and public appearances that suits my Tom=Cinderella, Taika=Wicked Fairy Godmother of the West theory. Plus it DOESN’T mean they don’t get along in reality, or that Tom has probs working with Taika. It’s a theory, one which I don’t totally believe anyway.

Tom/Taika differences:

Taika loves improvisation but it doesn’t seem to be Tom’s forte. Tom came from RADA, remembers everything and recites Shakespeare in his sleep while Taika has a more loose directorial style not based on “classical training” and learning things by heart. Also notice Tom’s speeches at the Bafta awards (with Mark Strong) and the Golden Globes (the one he got so much unfair criticism for). Maybe maybe he’s not at his best when he doesn’t have a solid script to work on, that’s why those speeches came out so awkward, and maybe that’s why he got so much bashing after the Globes. Poor man, he couldn’t catch a break just because he made the mistake to “talk too much”. I assure you, to me it wasn’t about “self-promotion” and “self-indulgence” as most people accused him of, it was about him wanting to connect his award with his work for Unicef, and he was talking and talking and, unavoidably, some of it sounded as if he was bragging. Also, from most of the Ragnarok interviews I’ve seen, he didn’t mention improvising as much as Chris and Mark did.

Taika loves self-mockery, Tom doesn’t. They’re both funny af but they have a different type of humour. Tom always blushes when he receives compliments BUT you’ll never see him use self-sarcasm, like, ever. As if he’s too self-conscious (or just a bit insecure…?) to let himself loose and, like Chris or Taika, to make fun of himself, his image. Maybe he’s not as confident as those two, maybe he cares too much about people’s opinions, maybe he’s too uptight, maybe he’s not into that type of humour. Who knows.

Tom/Taika similarities:

They both love their fans, and love being adored by them. So imagine these two enfants gâtés being in the same room. Who will get more attention, hugs and kisses? It’s a contest!

They both missed their dads while growing up (Tom’s parents were divorced when he was 13, Taika has said more than once that his parents weren’t together as he grew up and he missed being cuddled by both of them - btw could someone enlighten us on this? I don’t know much). So, two big kids who apparently need all the love and the attention in the world collide because they want the same things.

But honestly, I don’t need any kind of “proof” to know that Tom and Taika got along.

I just take Tom’s word for it.

Oh. And Taika’s.

Who apparently liked Tom enough to miss him after the filming ended...

... and

TO BE THE HAM IN THE GODDAMN HIDDLESWORTH SANDWICH.

Still, “Taika doesn’t like Tom”.

Whatever.

#taika waititi #hiddlesworth #chris hemsworth #thor ragnarok #tom hiddleston #golden globes #poison #prodigy

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automatismoateo · 4 years

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After 4 years of believing and doubting, it's time to say goodbye to Christianity: Stuff I want to share before I graduate as an international student, leaving the US soon. via /r/atheism

Submitted November 16, 2020 at 01:51AM by fattybirdie (Via reddit https://ift.tt/3lyxGmU) After 4 years of believing and doubting, it's time to say goodbye to Christianity: Stuff I want to share before I graduate as an international student, leaving the US soon.

Excuse me for my poor written English. I will highlight my reasoning and other stuff worth discussing for your comfort.

In 2016 I moved in to a dorm with a randomly assigned roommate, who is a good, devoted Christian man. I was invited to RSOs, parties and churches. They gradually grew on me. Never thought one day I would took religions seriously, I mean who wouldn't once think like that? But college life proved me wrong.

I became a true believer, at least for a period of time. I would share the gospel w/ my parents (Oof mega cringe), lead in Bible studies, preach to my friends and such. Both shallow and long-lasting friendships had been built; I've also went on the stage in sanctuary, to translate for the message or play in the band.

Ironically, things began to go down at nowhere else but a prayer meeting. Group prayers often make me uncomfortable because I was never used to pray for exams and grades etc. since it felt like asking God to give us whatever we want. In that early spring my junior year, when people, as usual, are praying for a fast cure on their sickness and basically everything will go as they intended, I think to myself, what does it mean to be healthy or ill in God's observation? Don't we all suffer because we have sinned in God's judge? If this fundamental principle in Christianity is true, then aren't you sick because essentially you deserve it?

This trail of logic had been whipping me ever since. We believe that God's all mighty and no matter how much pain or sacrifice won't be sufficient to make up our sins except for Jesus, who IS God in his smurf account. How does praying even make sense, when God is in ultimate control, and he absolutely doesn't need your approval to take everything away from you?

An obvious response is "Well but God didn't do that to me!" Sure, but that validates neither God is real nor God is loving. In colonization, World wars, slavery and many other disasters, happened and happening across all over Earth and expanded over history, God allowed that on countless people; these people watch their families butchered like animals, tortured, their lives' work doomed, their land and homes burning, and eventually their own heads removed. Maybe we should pray for who are facing these? Nope, never mentioned one single time among religious people surrounding me. To them, these terrible things and their problems behind does not and probably will not apply, but tragedies certainly exist for people they never knew and never cared. Even when I believe in a God who loves all, I actively refuse to study human's misery, unwilling to give what I possess; the only one I satisfy and please was me and me alone.

Recalling all these threw me back to the beginning: why would I chose to believe in the first place. I believed Christianity makes people better. I gazed upon figures like Mother Teresa, who acted upon faith, love, and changed the course of many lives. However, looking at my faithful peers and myself leave me with nothing but disappointment. We barely improve. Certainly we became more familiar with what the Bible says, some of us claim they read it twice per year. Some of us never reflect; they simply became more used to reading a daily verse and completely forget about it the next day. Some of us never grew up; they just keep seeking for attention from a book, catching on the slightest clues that they are loved. Some of us turned more political and dictatorial; they did become better at finding what's in the Bible that supports their ideology though, congrats. We worshipped and sang praises in the church wearing layers of disguises, claiming to love our neighbors in the way we love ourselves. Walking out of that building we didn't even try to conceal our hatred against each other. A girl in the youth group told me she would speak to anyone in the world except another girl in church. New-coming exchange students despise those 2nd gen immigrants, and vice versa. So much teachings about putting God in heart and the efforts learning them go straight to waste.

Perhaps, as some of them also depicted, without Christianity they would be worse. First of all that just gives me another reason to run away from them if true. Secondly, assuming causation in a situation never happened is playing the role of God, in the most unpractical way. Besides, I've got tired arguing over the good/bad debate. It's same thing. Directing people's attention to only the merciful, moving stories and conclude that God is kind, is the equivalent of focusing on the bloodshed, killing for "reasons we are not God so we cannot know" and conclude God is brutal. Thus, one cannot infer that his/her religion is good because they didn't become worse; otherwise, we can follow this logic and state the same religion is harmful if someone's life was tripped by it. As far as I know any documented religion conducted both.

We all need to realize very clearly that God is not with us. At this moment, some people in the world are having the best day ever, some people are at the lowest they can get; they cannot feel for the other side. We long for justice, love and peace, while deliberately destroying them; It's all about human; there's no traces of God and his miracles. However, according to some believers, God choose them as his own people and they claim God is truly with them and performing Godly stuff here, while others cannot perceive, especially if you don't believe it. Well, then I don't even know which is more pathetic, that God is hiding behind some people or, what they stand for and believe in is never real. Your personal experience determine who you are, not the objective truth. On top of everything, every one of us is biased, and our belief could totally be either true or false. Practicing a religious faith seems to make people neglect that.

So what do I believe now? I believe that no one deserves to be sick, and we should recognize and abandon hypocrisy. Problems need to be solved, instead of being prayed and postponed. God exists or not, it doesn't matter any more. I cherish the time spent with Christian friends and families. I'm thankful that many churches and people still hold a place for me, and I do not regret once being a Christian. It's just that we step onto different paths now, though it would make a lot of people unhappy. I talked frankly to friends at churches, and words spread fast. Predictably, in the last remote meeting, I notice the girl mentioned previously, talking to everyone on purpose excluding me. Even her way of disturbing people haven't improve.

"The cycle ends here. We must be better than this." --Bald guy snapping a God.

Wish you are having a good day and enjoyable meals ;)

#reddit

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visariga-blog · 7 years

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Neighborhood #12: Āgenskalns

Name: Āgenskalns Meaning: Translates roughly to “Agens Hill” Area: 4.61 km2 (27th) 2014 Population: 27,923 (9th) 2008 Population density: 6538 people/km2 (11th) Distance from Riga Central Station by public transit: 8 minutes (train) Public transit lines: #3, #4, #4z, #6, #7, #8, #13, #20, #21, #25, #38, #39, #47, #50, #51, #52, and #55 busses; #1, #5, #9, #11, #13, #18, #22, and #23 trolleybusses; #2, #4, #5, and #10 trams Places of interest: Kalnciema Kvartāls, Uzvaras parks (Victory Park), Āgenskalna tirgus (market), Māras Dīķis, Alises torņis (water tower), Date of Visit: March 18, 2016

Last month we visited the cultural hub of the Pārdaugava region: Āgenskalns. One of the city’s most well-known and instantly recognizable areas, nearly anyone who has ever crossed the Daugava river to the city’s western half has been through at least a bit of the neighborhood, as two of the city’s four bridges cross into it. From Vecrīga, it’s just a five-minute walk across Akmens tilts (stone bridge).

While the Rīga-Tukums line makes for a logical southwest border and the rivers clearly cut the neighborhood off from the rest of the city, the other borders seem a bit arbitrary and fuzzy. This is even more apparent when looking from above. Many people refer to a much greater area than just that in the red lines as “Āgenskalns,” while others might consider much of that northern area above Kalnciema iela part of of Zasulauks.

The good news was that we would be exploring Āgenskalns with our friend Konstantin, a life-long resident of Rīga with an encyclopedic knowledge of the history of the city’s buildings thanks to many hours spent researching online and in the city’s archives. Even better, he’s from the neighboring region of Zasulauks just to the northwest, so he was able to provide us with particularly generous wealth of information about Āgenskalns. The bad news was that the only day that him, Līga and I could all go together happened to be the one rainy day in a string of otherwise perfectly sunny and relatively warm days. While Konstantin’s philosophy was that this part of Rīga looks good even in gray and drizzly weather, I feel a bit bad that we weren’t able to do this beautiful neighborhood justice with such dreary backdrop.

Līga was a bit busy earlier in the day, so I met Konstantin by myself first to check out the area by the river before she would join up with us a bit later. I got on a #3 bus from the station and took it just two stops before getting off at the Nacionalā bibliotēka (national library) stop where I met up with Konstantin.

We started on towards the river, walking first by a beautiful pinkish pre-war building that Konstantin told us was used by the Soviet government as a teacher training academy. Apparently during Soviet times teachers were not required to have a university-level education, so it was something more akin to today’s trade schools. To the immediate left was what looked at first like a newly renovated pre-war building until Konstantin told me about the interesting history behind it. Apparently it was a derelict abandoned building before Latvia hosted the EU Council presidency back in early 2015. Since the library across the street was to be used to host dignitaries throughout the six months, the city ordered the owners to give the building a facelift, resulting in a freshly painted skeleton. I couldn’t believe this until we got closer and I was able to see inside for myself.

It’s inconceivable to me that this prime real estate so close to the river and tram lines had not been properly renovated by some savvy developer, but there are many other situations just like this throughout the city. Across the street was a somewhat unusually decorative Hruščovka with an interesting brick pattern. I might not have mentioned it previously, but one interesting thing about at least the brick version of these Soviet projects is that the year is usually inscribed at the top using differently colored bricks.

Continuing down the road, we came to an abandoned old police station across the street from a 90s-era housing construction. As is the problem with nearly any city in the world, it was sad to see such a beautiful structure fall into a state of disrepair which at this point would probably prevent it from being reconstructed in an economically efficient way. Its juxtaposition across from those modern condos were a bit poignant in illustrating how preservation can be lost as an urban priority.

Just a bit further on, we crossed onto the AB Dambis, a large jetty first constructed from wood in the 1880s to regulate the Daugava's flow and for loading and unloading boats. The structure was destroyed by the German army during WWII before being reconstructed in its current form by the Soviet army. If you're interested in learning more about it's history, you can check out this post from Cita Rīga (in Latvian, but can be translated). We walked out to the furthest point and took a few pictures of Vecrīga's skyline and of where we would soon be walking in Āgenskalns.

I got a call from Līga who said that she would meet us soon at the same libary bus stop where I had met Konstantin, so we started heading back in that direction. After waiting about ten minutes at the bus stop, we finally met up with Līga and started down the gray brick road of Valguna iela. To get there we passed under a concrete residential building which like a few others in the neighborhood had been constructed over the road itself. According to Konstantin, this was an “experimental” residential project which was not replicated due to its uncomfortably cramped living conditions and non-intuitive navigation on the inside. Along this road were a row of Stalin-era buildings on the left and some older wooden ones on the right.

To our right there was a building which Konstantin pointed out was built on top of what had previously been part of Staraja Rusas iela, one of the only remaining streets in the city with a Russian name. While it's no longer officially part of that road (at least according to Google maps), it was interesting to see that some history-conscious person had written the name of the street above the driveway to preserve its memory. We also passed a what seemed to be somewhat nightmarish pre-school/kindergarten, along with a fairly scary balcony.

We came to the end of Valgumu iela, and before turning right onto Trijādības iela, we saw what Konstantin said had been a riverboat repair facility before being abandoned. We walked down Trijādības iela towards the river, seeing on our right a typical back yard with trees benches that are very commonly seen next to buildings built in the first half of the 20th century all the way up until the end of Stalin's time. A graffiti ghost on the wall seemed worried or upset about something; maybe we had gotten too close...

Unforunately we couldn't get any closer to the river since the construction area we had seen from AB Dambis was gated off, but Konstantin pointed out one very interesting building before we left. I wouldn't have noticed it on my own, but the two-story house was built in the traditional Latvian style that can be seen throughout the countryside, with the roof slanting on all four sides. Generally these houses are made of wood, so it was a bit unusual to see one here made of brick, further adding to my impression of Āgenskalns as one large architectural gallery. We passed by Latvia's sea administration and a modern apartment complex before coming again to the abandoned riverboat factory as well as a row of very typical brick hruščovkas and another scary-looking kindergarten.

We took a right onto Raņķa dambis, which quickly turned into Daugavgrīvas iela. Although winter was more or less over, the cove of Zunds canal still had a thin layer of ice covering it. We got a good view of the old riverboat repair factory with some Latvian graffiti on the side and then saw some modern riverboats being repaired right in front of our eyes. Since there is no longer a dedicated facility, a man was standing on top doing some welding right in the open on the deck. We also passed my favorite place in Rīga to drink outisde during warm weather months, Piķis un Zēģele, a relatively cheap pub with a deck overlooking the water. If you're ever here in the summer months and love to sit back and relax outside with good, reasonably priced beer while watching boats go by, definitely check it out.

Just across Daugavgrīvas iela from the road to Ķīpsala, Konstantin pointed out a beautiful pre-war building which used to be a polyclinic for children and teens which unfortunately was now in such a state of disrepair that it had no floors. To the right was another beautiful pre-war building which was derelict aside from the first floor, this one having a commemorative plaque for Latvian composer Pēteris Barisons who had lived in the house before WWII. A brick hruščovka next door ws in much better condition, and had a variety of stores on the first floor including what looked like a tasty vegetarian restaurant.

And now we were finally at the base of the infamous “Z-Towers” which had been visible from many previous neighborhoods. As I mentioned briefly in the article about Dzierciems, these troublesome twins had been under construction since 2006 and were conceived in a different era of urban planning just before the 2008 crisis where this area around Ķīpsala was planned to be a sort of financial district for the city and many other similar large buildings had been planned. As it is, it's almost a small miracle that these ones got finished at all. The buildings began sinking not long after construction since engineers had failed to compensate for the marshy ground beneath, and had to halt progress and improvise a new technique for drying out the foundation. The death of a construction worker whose harness tragically failed stopped progress for even longer, and the buildings went through multiple exterior and interior design revisions as it was being constructed to help make it more more economically feasible. As a result, the final minimalist and utterly generic result is a far-cry from the original gaudy and bombastic structure that was originally planned.

First planned to be an upscale hotel in one tower and offices in the other, now the majority of units in both towers have been marketed as luxury apartments of various sizes. Until 2014, it was possible to receive a five-year Latvian residence permit with full access to the EU and a path to citizenship for a property investment of as little as 70,000 Euros. Although parliament bumped that up to 250,000 Euro due to concerns about Latvia's property market being exploited as a massive money-laundering mechanism by international criminals, I'm sure that foreigners with an interest in accessing the European common market should have no problem finding a unit worth a quarter of a million in these glass behemoths. On one hand these towers further justify Āgenskalns' reputation as an architectural mecca, but at the same time even for this neighborhood they stick out like Siskel and Ebert's thumbs banged with a hammer by a bitter director. While it's easy to dismiss them as yet another tacky monument to the anonymous global 1%, I like to think of them as a relic from a more optimistic time in the city's history when the sky seemed the literal limit for ambitious developers just before it fell in spectacular fashion just a short time later. For more information about the history and future of this ongoing saga, check out this incredible thread on skyscrapercity.com which has been documenting the building's progress over the past ten years.

When we tried to get up close to the buildings, a security guard at the gate predictably banged on the glass and yelled at us to get lost. We were still able to get a nice look at the impressive structures as we hung left onto Krišjāņa Valdemāra iela and started up the hill towards the northern part of the neighborhood.

While the same can be observed in pretty much all of the city's more central neighborhoods, the clash between “old” and “new” is especially striking here. Aside from the obvious example of Z-Towers, this street was lined by a mix of small pre-war wooden houses, concrete and plaster early 20th century buildings, and glass and steel constructions which look like they had been dropped off by a visiting UFO.

So far, this had been our route since we had met Līga near the library:

We now started down the major thoroughfare of Slokas iela, coming up close to one of Konstantin's and my favorite looking buildings in the city: the national historical archives. I'll let the pictures speak for themselves in terms of how awesome this building looks. The archives are free to browse, but professional photocopies to be brought home cost a fee. Luckily, scores of benevolent history fans have uploaded a lot of material contained there for free to various forums and websites. Much of the information contained there is in Russian due to that being the lingua franca and official language of the Soviet Union, so proficiency is required for serious browsing/research. Documents from 1920-40 though are mostly all in Latvian.

Slokas iela contained a nice mix of older wooden houses and Rīga's famous art nouveau buildings from the early 20th century. On one of the buildings, we found a subtle but interesting historical relic. During Soviet times, all of the street names were written in both Latvian and Russian throughout the city. After regaining independence, the government began replacing them with newer, Latvian-only plaques. On this particular building instead of replacing the entire sign, someone simply painted over the Russian version of the signage which had been found on the bottom of the sign. The result was surprisingly effective, as I never would have noticed if Konstantin hadn't pointed it out to me. We walked left down Mārtiņa iela and then left down the offshoot of Daugavgrīvas iela. No matter how far we walked away from them, Z-Towers loomed behind us.

Jugenstils (art nouveau)

And now we came up to one of my many weird civil planning-related obsessions: a ghost ramp! These “roads to nowhere” are offshoots of other roads that are built to connect with a future transportation project that for one reason or another never quite materializes. This particular one was intended to connect with one of the many aforementioned projects intended for the Ķīpsala area before the bubble burst in 2008. If Z-Towers are a semi-living monument to the pre-crash era of naive optimism and big thinking, then this ramp is something like a poignant and symbolic memorial. I was excited to finally have an excuse to go onto this ramp that I had passed so many times before on my way to work, and from it we had a nice view of the tall buildings as well as the former territory of a factory that built farm machinery just underneath where the ramp is now. We also got a view of the northern edge of Āgenskalns where we were headed next.

We walked towards Mārtiņa Evaņģēliski luteriskā baznīca (St. Martin's Church), passing two older art nouveau buildings: a current police station to the left, and an apartment complex with a classical-style sculpture out front to the right. When we got to the church's back yard, we took the path through crossing back to Slokas iela. The Romanesque church was built in 1851 and 1852, and the red twin steeples are visible from most of the northern part of the neighborhood. Konstantin pointed out the odd fact that the lantern is built in such a way that it can be lowered using a pulley.

lowerable lamp

Coming out of the church yard and turning left onto Slokas iela, we passed a cool purple wooden building and a music school before coming to the nearly-abandoned Mārtiņa kapi (St. Martin's Cemetery). Many of those resting in this graveyard have no living relatives to maintain their graves, although we could see a few modern tombstones that distant descendants had bought for their long-departed ancestors. Following the tram line down the street we also passed the very modern purple courthouse before we turned right down Kuldīgas iela.

Just as we were turning left down Kuldīgas iela, we saw a plot of land adjacent to the botanical garden that seemed like it was part of the garden's territory until Konstantin explained that it was actually a private plot in the process of being sold. That explained why it had the old-fashioned wooden fence while the rest of the garden had a much newer metal one surrounding it. Signs of spring were everywhere as we continued down the street; people were raking up leftover leaves now that the snow had almost all melted, and small flowers were starting to bloom here and there. When we came to busy Vilpa iela, we turned left and came to Rīgas Valsts vācu ģimnāzija (State German Gymnasium), one of the city's oldest high schools founded in 1921. During months when leaves are on the trees, the school is hidden from the road except for the wooden “window” which you can see in the first picture of the school. Unfortunately, at this time of year the effect gets lost.

At the corner of Melnsila and Āgenskalna ielas, we found what Konstantin explained was called “Āgenskalna Priedes” (Agenskalns Pines). This early and experimental “micro-district” that the Soviets constructed in the late 1950s was the first of many often much larger projects in the further-out neighborhoods of the city which were constructed all the way through the 1980s. These concrete-panel buildings are some of the first very early hruščovkas to be built in the city in response to the post-war housing crisis that was only exacerbated by Stalin's obsession with ornate, decorative buildings which took too long to construct to meet the population's needs. Konstantin told us that while these buildings look to be in good condition from the outside, many have problems with electrical wiring beneath the floors that were not properly installed during the original construction.

This housing project also has one of the last Soviet-era playgrounds to not be torn down to to safety concerns. The metal playground equipment you can see used to be ubiquitous throughout the city's suburban districts, but since independence the city has mostly favored removal over renovation. The building you can see in the background looks new, but is actually a recent renovation of a pre-war building. Seeing the potential of what could be if more of the city's gorgeous old structures received the same love and attention only makes it sadder to think about many of the other buildings' current states.

From the background of the development we could finally get a great view of one of the neighborhood's most famous landmarks: the water tower named “Alise” Yes, believe it or not, some of the city's gorgeous water towers have these kinds of names. After this particular one stopped being used for its original purpose due to introduction of more modern distribution methods, the building was used as an underground record label/studio until the late-2000s. The owner of the Coffee Tower chain and a few other bidders tried to buy it, but the city deemed it a historical monument before it could fall into private ownership. Hopeful the city will maintain and find a good municipal use for this beautiful landmark, as the building really is a stunning piece of architecture.

We turned back onto Melnsila iela and passed a wooden building with a store called “Alus pagrabiņš” (which translates to something like “Little Beer Basement”), a store which sells unusual and hard-to-find beers both on tap and in bottles. People often buy large plastic bottles of the beer straight from the tap so that they can bring it home and drink later, which is usually cheeper than buying glass bottles or cans.

Now we came to the famous “Kalnviema kvartāls” (Kalnciema Quarter), a group of wooden buildings on the corner of Mensila and Kalnciema ielas. One of the most well-known enclaves of the city's “creative class,” the mini-district features various shops, galleries, offices, and performances spaces, and hosts many cultural events including a weekly Saturday market in the main yard between the buildings. We regretted not being able to come here a day later to check out the market, but I would strongly encourage visiting it if you can make it out here on a Saturday. For any of you who are fans of good wine, there's also a fantastic wine shop and cafe open every day except Sunday from 10-22.

We were pretty hungry at this point, so Konstantin suggested that we try a kebab place called “Fix Box” which he had passed many times before but never actually tried. The interior was modern and colorful, and the prices seemed fairly reasonable so we decided to give it a shot. The wrap was toasted and crispy, which was a bit unusual for Riga's kebab places as they usually wrap them in softer shells. Overall the kebabs were pretty good, but I'm not sure it was mind-blowing enough to recommend coming all the way from the center for considering the wealth of options there to try. If you're in the area and love kebabs though, I doubt you'll be disappointed.

Since the ghost ramp, here is more or less the path that we had taken to the kebab spot:

As we left our lunch place, the weather began to take a turn for the worse that would gradually only worsen. Undeterred, we continued southwest down Kalnciema iela before hanging right onto Sabiles iela. Down this street the mishmash of modern and older architectural styles continued, although in this part of Āgenskalns most all of the buildings didn't reach more than three stories tall. Konstantin pointed out that the dilapidated green building at the end of the road had been “somewhat renovated” on the very right side, which is not uncommon for some of Riga's older buildings in such condition considering that many such buildings have multiple owners. A lot of the older wooden houses throughout the city are split into halves or even quarters depending on the size, and this can be reflected sometimes in the buildings' visual appearance.

At this point, Sabiles iela turned into Talsu iela, and we continued on towards the more urban part of Āgenskalns. Right at the start of Talsu iela I saw one of the coolest yet strangest-looking houses I've ever seen, which seemed as if the architect was torn between three different styles and chose all three. A bit further down the road, we got a glimpse at the old TV tower. Before moving to is current headquarters on Lucavsala in the middle of the Daugava, Latvia's Television used to be headquartered in Āgenskalns, and used this tower to broadcast. According to Konstantin, the city has deemed the tower as a “dangerous object” and has ordered it to be repaired immediately. Regardless of its perilous state of repair, the tower still currently broadcasts Radio Merkurs on 1485 kHz (AM).

We turned now left onto Nometņu iela since Konstantin wanted to show us a few different buildings this way. We found a sad wall that was either bemoaning street litter or had very low self esteem. A bit further down we came to the first of the buildings that Konstantin had mentioned, a “communebar” called “Hāgenskalna Komūna.” He told us that it's the best place this side of the river to hear small acoustic concerts, although various DJs also play sets. Apparently they also offer a good selection of food and drinks, so we plan to check it out sometime soon.

Just past the corner of Lapu and Nomeņtu ielas we came across the scariest-looking balconies on the planet, which were all missing floors. They were (barely) attached to one of the coolest-looking buildings in the entire neighborhood, a strange castle-shaped one over which there is a dispute as to which architect designed it. Apparently two people claimed to have drawn the original design. Next we found what is a very popular trend in America but something I had so far yet to have seen in Latvia: former cinemas converted into evangelical churches. The first was a brown Art Deco-ish one on the left which now hosts the “Dzīvā Ūdens Avots” (living water source) Pentecostal Church, and the second was a tan-colored one just down the street which is inhabited by the “Jēzus ir Kungs” (Jesus is Lord) evangelical church. The second was offering an “alpha course,” a basic introduction to Christianity that was popularized in the UK but can now be found all over the world.

Continuing down the street, we saw more wooden and brick buildings from various eras. Shops included a fancy-sounding “brick salon” (yes, a salon in which you buy bricks), a door and window ship, a pizza place, an upscale restaurant, an antique shop, and another location of one of Līga and my favorite cafes in the city: Ciemakuklis, which we visited in Dzirciems last year. At the intersection with Slokas iela we took a left.

On Slokas iela, Z-Towers once again reappeared and loomed in the distance. We walked first by a church called Latvijas apvienotā metodistu baznīca (Latvian United Methodist Church), one of the few methodist churches in the country. Next door was an old white building which Konstantin said used to be used as a wedding registry. He told us that his parents had registered their marriage there, and that they were sad to see it become derelict throughout the years. We were just about at the corner of Slokas and Kalnciema iela again where the state archive was, so we took a few pictures and then hung left down Ernestīnes iela back towards the market square.

Ernistines iela cut through yet another district of short, wooden houses, but this part of town contained some of the city's most well-known schools. The first was Rīgas Dabaszinību skola (Riga School of Natural Science), a UNESCO-affiliated youth education center that puts on various workshops and activities related to natural science. The gate looked open and we wanted to take a look through the school's grounds, but we opted against it. Across the street was the well-regarded Āgenskalna Valsts ģimnāzija (Agenskalns State Gymnasium), a high school that is consistently ranked in the country's top five in terms of exam results and student achievement. The third we passed was the newly renovated Rīgas 53. vidusskola right on the corner of Ernestine and Melnsila ielas.

As we turned left back onto the larger road, we saw a car driving by with some large metal piping tied dubiously onto the roof. This reminded me of how in my home state of Maine it’s not uncommon to see pickup trucks on the highway with large stacks of various items tied precariously onto the bed, and how its occasionally necessary to dodge them when they fall out onto the road in front of you. We followed Melnsila diela back down to Nometņu iela where we took a right and started heading toward the market.

Since leaving the kebab spot, we had walked in this very strange spiral-shaped path:

On our way to the market we passed by one of the city's rare food trucks as well as two cafes situated next to the old tower. It's a bit hard to see from the picture, but one of the tower's supporting guy wires had been decorated with colorful ropes. Konstantin told us that the SEB building (one of Latvia's most popular banks) used to be taller, but that the top floor had been removed during renovation to help make the building more sturdy.

In the market square there were a bunch of posters for a theater event called “Obama Bananas Go,” which according to one of my friends was some sort of abstract high-concept comedy show that had nothing whatsoever to do with former President Obama. While I was shocked at first and am sure that the poster would have not only been taken down within hours but also sparked outrage if it were posted in the United States, Latvia has so few people of color that conversations about race are nearly non-existent and some of my students even have a hard time understanding why they can't use the n-word even though they hear it often in rap music. That doesn't stop me from trying to educate my students about these issues as much as possible and doing my small part in improving this situation, but I'm not as shocked by this sort of thing as much as I was when I first came here.

This “trash” frowny face was even sadder than the last one.

The interior of the market building was fairly typical for this region of Europe, but Konstantin told me that he much preferred this one to the more famous and impressive central market in Rīga's center due to its more intimate feel. The walls above the market stands were adorned with the coats of arms of Latvia's cities and towns, which was a nice touch. Luckily the upstairs balcony was open and we were able to get a nice view of the whole inside. There were some very nice looking meats, fruits, and vegetables, but we still had a lot to see and decided that carrying around perishables probably was not the best idea.

The stands and benches outside were emptier than usual due to the weather, but there were still a few people selling fresh flowers to passers-by. We continued a tiny bit further down Bāriņu iela to one location I had passed by many times but had never been able to get a closer look at: the Eduarda Smiļģa Teātra muzejs, the city's museum of theater. This former home of famed actor and director Eduards Smiļģis (1886-1966) is now run by the Latvian Academy of Culture as a space for exhibitions and live shows. The grounds of the building were gorgeous, but unfortunately we decided that we would have to save the museum itself for another day considering how wet we now were and how little time we had left to see the rest of the neighborhood.

Līga wanted to see Svētā Alberta (St. Albert's), one of her favorite churches, so we headed towards it via a roundabout route past Māras diķis (Mara's pond). We started past the beautifully painted Rīgas Friča Brīvzemnieka pamatskola, one of the city's most historic elementary schools. The far less attractive concrete box across the street was Rīgas Pārdaugavas izpilddirekcija, home to a variety of government services available to those living on this side of the river. This style of building which looks brutalist to American or British eyes is incredibly common throughout the former Soviet Union for various municipal or education-related institutions. As we got closer to the park, we passed a few more wooden and brick buildings built before WWII as well as a few very modern constructions.

Right near the pond there was a small park with a hill formed from a split between Kokles iela and Mazā Nometņu iela. There wasn't any information that we could find about it, but it seemed like a natural extension of Arkādijas parks in Torņakalns on the other side of the road. The park seemed pretty well-maintained, and at the top of the hill there was a decent view of the surrounding area including the pond.

As you can see from the last picture, Māras diķis is lined on its eastern coast by a walled-off mansions. Thankfully, the entire circumference of the pond is accessible via a paved walking trail. The pond was used for mills all the way back to the 13th century, although the most recent mill was torn down in the 1920s. These days it's only used for recreational purposes, but no swimming is allowed.

Having walked around the pond, we headed straight down Mārupes iela where there was a mix of residential buildings and student housing for Rīgas Stradiņa universitāte, the country’s most famous medical university named after famous Latvian surgeon Pauls Stradiņš. We also passed one of the city’s few Baptist churches, one of the “Coffee Tower” cafes which Konstantin mentioned tried to buy the water tower, and a Rimi.

We turned left onto Leipājas iela, where we saw some graffiti that warned us: “beidz izdomāt melus” (stop making up lies). Within a few minutes we were standing outside of Sv. Alberta baznīca, an important part of Rīga’s Catholic community. Originally intended to be built in French Baroque style, starts and stops to the construction resulted in the somewhat unique final design. Across the street behind the brick wall was the many historic buildings on the campus of Stradiņa klīniskā universitātes slimnīca (the university hospital). Unfortunately we did not have the opportunity to explore the campus, but we were so wet and cold at this point that we were ready to take the bus to our final destination: Uzvaras Parks.

Since turning towards the market, our path had looked like this:

We got off at Slokas iela in front of Zelta Boulings, Rīga’s most popular bowling alley with some of the most surpisringly good pizza found in the city. We backtracked a bit down Uzvaras bulvaris to come to our final stop in the Āgenskalns and one of the city’s most controversial locations: Uzvaras piemineklis (Victory Memorial).

While the end of WWII and the defeat of the Nazis is celebrated throughout the world, many in Latvia (particularly ethnic Latvians) see the end of WWII as the beginning of the Soviet Union’s occupation of the country which included the forced deportations and murders of tens of thousands of Latvians. The monument was built in the early 1980s and is one of the most physically impressive sites in the entire country, but there have been many calls to demolish it as most other Soviet-era statues were at the re-establishment of Latvian independence. In fact, two ultra-nationalists even tried blowing the monument up in 1997, but ended up dying with the statue mostly unharmed. The site is especially important to the city’s ethnic Russian community which makes up nearly a majority of Rīga’s residents, many of whom had family who fought proudly to defend their country against the Nazi invaders. Many ethnic Russians feel alienated and left behind by the Latvian government's policies since 1991 regarding citizenship and language, and removing the statue would inevitably cause significant tension. For the foreseeable future the statue will remain as a divisive symbol which means many things to many people, and I will write more about the issue for the upcoming May 8th/9th celebration of V-E Day. What is undeniable, however, is that the Soviets knew how to make impressive and awe-inspiring statues.

The final part of Āgenskalns that we skipped over was the rest of Uzvaras parks, but we were so cold and wet by now that we decided to go home. Plus, the rain was so heavy by now that the pictures we would have taken wouldn’t have done justice to the beautiful park. Instead, I will cheat with a few pictures we took of the park from last spring.

I hope that these rainy and dark pictures haven’t discouraged you, because visiting Āgenskalns is an absolute no-brainer regardless of your personal interests. While I usually recommend visiting certain neighborhoods to certain people for various reasons, Āgenskalns is one of the only ones I can suggest without any hesitation or second thoughts. If you’ve been in Rīga for any significant amount of time I’m sure you’ve alresdy spent some time here, but if you somehow haven’t yet wandered across the bridge to Pārdaugava then it’s time to come and visit.

A few random observations:

While most people I know who have lived outside of Rīga’s center have told me that they don’t do much in those neighborhoods aside from living and do most other things in the center, most of the people I know who live in Āgenskalns spend a significant amount of their time there. This is unsurprising considering how much there is to do and see here, but it really almost feels like a separate city with a somewhat different feel to it.

That being said, Līga and I have spent surprisingly little time in Āgenskalns. Although there’s so much to do, I have usually seen it from the windows of busses going to and back from work at the LU Pedagogy Faculty in Imanta. From Ķengarags it takes just a tiny bit too long to get to compared to the center where you can find almost anything that Āgenskalns has, but if I already lived in Pārdaugava I’m sure I’d spend more time here than time across the bridge.

Although we thought that winter had just about completely passed at this point in mid-March, we woke up this morning in mid-April to fairly heavy snowfall. To say that winter/spring 2017 has been a curveball would be quite an understatement.

And that’s it for now. I apologize that this post has been a bit longer than the others, but there is just so much to show and talk about in Āgenskalns that I didn’t want to leave anything out. Also a huge special thanks to Konstantin for contributing so much historical information about the neighborhood and its buildings, another reason why this post is a bit longer than the others. He’s planning on coming with us more regularly on our walks through the neighborhoods, and he might contribute some other posts in the future about urban exploration and other Rīga-related topics. Until next time, let’s hope that spring will soon finally stick around!

Nākamā Pietura: Atgāzene!

(Edit: Thanks to Māris Goldmanis from the fantastic Latvian History blog who wrote in with additional information a bout the state archives and the TV tower after the post was first published)

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howellrichard · 6 years

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Why I Created the Healing Cancer World Summit (a new personal story)

Hiya Gorgeous!

There’s something personal and difficult that I’ve wanted to share with you, my beloved community, for a while now, but I just wasn’t ready. I didn’t have the words because I was still processing my feelings. Plus, I was in game plan mode and maybe even experiencing a little PTSD. In the fall of 2016, my phenomenal dad was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.

Typing those words still takes the air out of my lungs.

I had just finished speaking at the very last Hay House ICDI event in Ft. Lauderdale when my family’s life changed forever–yet again. Because my plane was delayed, I decided to stay with my parents in Connecticut rather than make the longer journey back to Woodstock. On the drive to their house, I found myself daydreaming about all the things I would focus on thanks to my newfound spaciousness. Maybe you can relate to my “once this is done I’ll relax and take care of myself” mentality.

What’s the famous John Lennon quote? Life is what happens when you’re making other plans? Ain’t that the truth.

The first clue something was wrong: I pulled into my parents driveway around midnight and all the lights were on. The only time that used to happen was when I was late for curfew and about to be grounded. My mom greeted me at the door, fully dressed (not in PJs), we said our hellos, hugged and briefly caught up. But all the while I was suspicious–waiting for the shoe to drop. And then it did.

“Listen, there’s something I need to tell you,” my mom started, “I don’t know how to say this so I’ll just say it, Dad has a mass on his pancreas and he needs to get a biopsy on Monday.” His pancreas? Shit. Shit. Shit.

I kept my cool but inside I was falling to pieces.

My dad is one of the most treasured people in my life. He has always been there for me, especially when he adopted me. Without my dad, I wouldn’t be the person I am today. He truly is an earth angel and when I needed him most (when I was diagnosed), he was the first person at my side. He almost created a traffic accident rushing to the hospital where I was sitting by myself, waiting for the results that would change my life forever.

“Can I come to his biopsy with you? And can I stay for as long as it takes to help you figure this out?” I asked.

“Oh, yes, please” my mom responded. We both cried and then we did what the women in my family do, we put on our game faces and started creating a healing (save-our-ass) strategy.

I didn’t sleep at all that night and I sadly don’t fully remember what I said to my dad the next morning. What I do remember vividly was his biopsy. He was still a little groggy when he came out of the procedure wearing nice “slacks,” dress shoes and a crisp button-down shirt, because in his words, “you have to look spiffy for these things.” Rest assured, I was not wearing my Sunday best when I had my own biopsy. It was a miracle I even brushed my teeth!

As I walked him to the car, holding his arm to steady his balance, he told me that he was sorry that my rock (him) was a little wobbly. This gutted me, but I didn’t let him see it. Later I stuffed myself into a closet where I could scream and cry into a pillow and he wouldn’t hear me.

But in that moment I just told him how honored I was to get to be his rock for a while.

And that’s exactly what I tried to do, as best as I could. For the first time in my journey as a patient, I experienced what it’s like to be a caregiver. Boy, do I have a whole new respect and understanding for all of you who have walked this path–especially my mom. My mother’s strength, grit, grace, love and unwavering determination are immeasurable. Let’s just say that when life kicks you in the teeth, she’s the kind of person you want by your side.

I also have more compassion for fellow-patients. Because I’ve never had treatment, I could previously only imagine what it was like for people. Well, this time I got to witness it firsthand. I had to learn how to take all of my knowledge and expectations and adapt them to my dad’s day-to-day reality, because sometimes he was too sick to rally around my self-care agenda. And that was OK.

If you’ve been following me for a while, you know that I don’t use the “gift” lingo when it comes to cancer. Yes, there are many life enriching blessings that come from the journey, but a gift is something different (at least to me). However, the fact that my family and I had learned so much as a result of my own diagnosis was indeed a great blessing. In fact, I’ve sometimes thought that the reason I got sick was so we’d have half a clue about what to do when my dad needed us most.

Now granted, I have this rare, stable, stage IV disease that I’ve managed to live with for 15 years now. I’ve never had treatment and so far I haven’t needed to, which is amazing because there still really aren’t any options for me.

My dad’s situation was the opposite. His disease was aggressive and if he didn’t have chemo, radiation and surgery, his chances of survival were slim. In fact, after his Whipple procedure (one hell of a frickin’ complicated surgery!) his talented and compassionate surgeon told us that if it hadn’t gone well, my dad may have only had about 2 months to live.

Typing those words also takes the air out of my lungs.

Thankfully his treatment was a success and today my dad is in remission, which is why I’m ready to share this story (with his permission). It’s also why I’m writing this blog today.

Over the years I’ve promoted several online summits that I think could add immense value to your life. But many people have encouraged me to create my own specifically about cancer and prevention.

Though I liked the idea, I was often busy with other projects, and to be honest, I didn’t really want to dedicate a year of my life (the time it takes to create an online event like this) talking about cancer. Maybe because I spent so much of my early days sharing my story or maybe because I’m still a patient, and sometimes need a break from it all.

But when my dad got sick and we flew into action, finding the best doctors and surgeons, helping with dietary and lifestyle changes, and ultimately creating a healing plan that continues to this day, I was reminded of just how much my family and I know—and how many world-renowned experts I have on speed-dial.

That’s when Reid Tracy, the wonderful CEO of Hay House, circled back and said that if I was ready to host my own cancer summit, they would partner with me to help my team and I share it with the world. Reid had been checking in on me often, like the good friend and solid citizen he is. He knew what I was going through personally, but he also knew how healing this would could be for countless people–including me and my dad. I knew he was right.

I also felt totally inspired by my dad’s strength. I watched this man, who is so dear to me, go through the valley of the shadow of death. And yet he did it with such grace, humor and resilience. He even skipped to the hospital at 5:30 a.m. the morning of the surgery! WTF? His motto was “hold fast” and he did just that.

So I said, “HELL YES! Let’s do this, Reid.”

That’s where the Healing Cancer World Summit began.

Today, I’m thrilled to announce that the Summit launches on October 17 and registration is now open!

Whether you’re a cancer patient, survivor, thriver, caregiver or interested in prevention, this Summit is for you. I carefully selected and interviewed 20 of the world’s top integrative oncologists, wellness experts, dietitians, spiritual teachers and remarkable survivors to bring you the most comprehensive and inspiring wellness event you’ve ever experienced.

I just signed up for the Healing Cancer World Summit with @kris_carr and @hayhouse! Learn more about this incredible event…

And here’s something else you should know: This event is not about fear. It’s not about scaring you with statistics or telling you that cancer is your fault. This event is about giving you the hope and support you need to tackle whatever comes your way. I really hope to see you there—and did I mention that it’s completely free?

Click here to learn more and register for the Summit!

The truth is, there isn’t a magic bullet or a one-sided approach to healing. If there was, we would have won the so-called war on cancer by now. It’s also not your fault if you’re facing this situation. We don’t always have the tools and knowledge we need to avoid illness, and sometimes our genes are at play, too.

But each of us has the beautiful opportunity and responsibility to care for ourselves and that’s what I focused on in this Summit. No fear. Only positivity and possibilities–which is exactly what I needed in my own journey. Your turn: Let me know that you’ve signed up for the Healing Cancer World Summit by giving me a big “I’M IN!” in the comments below. I can’t wait for you to join me!

Peace and healing,

The post Why I Created the Healing Cancer World Summit (a new personal story) appeared first on KrisCarr.com.

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starsingingauthor · 6 years

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Darkened Whispers- 1

Fandom: Ouran High School Host Club Pairing: KyouyaxOC Summary: A teen-aged girl begins the year at Ouran and is more broken than those around her assume. Can her false smile keep everyone fooled or will her mask crack and reveal the broken girl within? Contents: Nightmare, small injury A/N: So, I’ve been working on this off and on since 2012. This is the more recent revision, this chapter having been finished Jan 4, 2016. So yeah I am really behind on this story. Word Count: 3,112

[Chapter 2]

Chouko walked along the pink tinted halls and looked at the map clutched in her hand, books held to her chest with the other hand. Today was her first day in the large school and she didn’t want to be late to her first class. She could hear whispers from the students around her as she walked, knowing that they were speaking of her. In the halls filled with sunny yellow dresses that poofed out at the bottom and periwinkle suits she was quite out of place. She wore a simple blouse and jeans, clothes that marked her as a “commoner” or so the whispers led her to believe. She shook her head and continued on, finding her class quicker than she had expected and knocked on the door to gain the teacher’s attention. After they spoke a little the teacher told Chouko to wait until class started and he would have her introduce herself to the entire class.

Slowly the class filled and it was finally time for the teacher to call attention. Chouko shuffled a bit where she stood at the front of the class. This was not working well for her idea of fading into the background. This was the exact opposite of that plan. The teacher finally let her introduce herself to the class and was seated next to a boy the teacher had called Ootori. She quickly settled into the seat and pulled out her notebook to begin taking notes.

Soon time came for class to be dismissed to lunch but Chouko remained in her seat. She knew the whispers would be even worse if she went to lunch and everyone saw her bento. She was certain that everyone here ate food from the cafeteria instead of bringing food from home. So the teen placed her bento on her desk then pulled her headphones out of her bag and placed them around her neck, pulling her layered chocolate hair out from under them and plugged the cord into her mp3 player that also sat on her desk. Chouko looked at the songs listed on the mp3 player while she ate, deciding what she wanted to listen to when a voice startled her out of her thoughts.

“Why are you eating alone, princess?” She looked up to see the only blonde haired boy in the class standing at the door looking at her. She rolled her thumb over the volume control on her mp3 player to turn it down before answering.

“Please don’t call me princess, I am no such thing. But to answer your question, I’m eating alone out of choice. I don’t mind sitting here alone. It gives me time to think and also to listen to my music.” Chouko responded softly. She watched as the blonde boy walked closer, obviously about to say something more.

“What kind of gentleman would I be if I left such a young lady alone to eat?” He asked in a charming manner.

“One who is observing my want to be alone. Please Suoh-san, go eat with your friends. I am more than capable of eating lunch alone.” She told him bluntly, not particularly in the mood to deal with anyone who was interrupting her lunch.

“Ah, I know. You should come visit us at the Host Club after classes. You’ll be able to meet more people from the class and make friends easier.” The teen seemed excited at his idea, while Chouko was less so.

“I’m sorry but I must decline your offer. I have other things I have to attend to after classes and I would rather not delay in taking care of them. Thank you for the offer though.” She declined politely, she didn’t even really know what a host club was and wasn’t really interested in finding out right yet. Her classmate didn’t say anything further as he turned and left the room, leaving Chouko to finish her lunch in the relative silence of the classroom.

It didn’t seem as though that much time had passed before classes were nearing their end. Chouko finally allowed herself the chance to look around the classroom and quickly noticed Suoh sitting a few seats away. His hair was a bright blonde and his eyes a violet color that she never thought was possible. Next to her sat Ootori. His hair was smoothed back neatly and his eyes hidden behind wire framed glasses. He suddenly glanced at Chouko, causing the girl to avert attention back to the notebook in front of her that was filled with both notes and doodles along the edge margins.

When classes finally ended Chouko gathered her things and left the room fairly quickly. She ignored the continued whispers as she walked down the halls towards the exit. She only was really thinking of the fact that she might actually be able to fade into the background as she was planning to do. She didn’t want to accidentally make enemies out of anyone in the school, they could easily mess with her in some serious way. To them she was the commoner that had somehow gained access to their exclusive school. They would never accept her as she was and she was kind of okay with that. She planned on floating through the next couple years without really leaving any indication that she was there. With a light sigh she pushed on back to her house and thought of what would be good for dinner.

Chouko walked down the short hallway in her home, an empty glass held in her hand. She was making her way towards the kitchen to get a drink of water before going back to sleep. She stopped suddenly when she heard whispers coming from the rooms around her.

“The poor girl. Who’s going to take her in?”

“It’s a miracle that she survived. It was a mess.”

Chouko realized quickly what was happening and turned to run towards her parents’ room. She wanted to see them again. She pushed herself harder when she heard the sounds of paramedics shouting to one another but the teen seemed to be going nowhere.

“No! Please!” She called into the darkness before she heard all the noises begin to fade.

“Things will change soon.” An eerily familiar voice spoke behind Chouko, startling her and making her fall forward into a dark chasm.

Chouko gasped sharply as she woke from the nightmare. She sat up quickly and put a hand to where her heart was pounding away in her chest. With a glance around the room she noticed that her alarm wasn’t to go off for a couple more hours.

“Should go ahead and get up. Don’t want to go back to sleep after that nightmare.” She pushed herself off of her bed and walked over to her closet in the dim morning light. She pulled out a red and black striped shirt, a dark pair of jeans, and a black belt before she laid them on her bed. The teen sighed as she grabbed her towel and made her way into the bathroom. “Why am I having nightmares again? I haven’t really had any for the past year or so. I guess it is from all the stress of attending a new school.” She spoke softly to herself even though there was no one in the house to be woken by her words. Chouko stepped into the bathroom and pressed a few buttons on the small cd player that sat on the counter. When music filled the room she started to get ready for her shower, dancing or singing along with the music a bit.

It had been almost a week since Chouko began attending Ouran Academy and things had been going almost exactly as she had planned. It seemed the other students were whispering less as she passed by, maybe she would fade into the background as she wanted. She arrived to her classroom and began laying her things out in preparation for the lecture the teacher was sure to give. As she was setting up she didn’t notice the pen roll off her desk and stop at a pair of nicely polished shoes.

“Makoto-san, I would like to invite you to the Host Club after classes. It seems our president has already invited you but you declined. We believe it might be of benefit for you to attend.” Chouko looked up quickly when she heard the voice. She was surprised to see Ootori standing beside her desk holding her pen.

“Oh, I guess I could come by today.” She said after taking back her pen. She felt there was no way she could say no to Ootori. He seemed to have such an impressive aura but she wondered what she was getting herself into, both of the members of this club were quite handsome in their own ways. She sighed and turned to the front as the teacher walked in and prepared to give his lecture.

The day passed without much else interest as Chouko waited for the final bell. Once it finally rang and the students filed out of the room she gathered her things in her bag. On her desk was a crudely drawn map that Suoh had placed there before he walked out with Ootori. Once all of her things were in the bag she picked up the map and made her way out of the classroom ready to see what kind of club this was.

After three different stairwells and a numerous amount of halls Chouko was convinced that she was lost. She had been wandering for a good while and had yet to find the Third Music Room that was depicted on the map. She had, however, found that the school was symmetrical in almost everyway that she could tell. With a sigh she started to climb the fourth stairwell as she looked back over the map. Had Suoh played a prank on her?

“It wouldn’t surprise me if he did.” Chouko spoke softly to herself, not noticing the other person walking down the stairs at the same time. It seemed the other person didn’t notice Chouko either as they collided and the teen threw her arms out to try to regain her balance but her bag threw her off just enough to start tumbling down the stairs. She hit the bottom with a yelp, quickly recovering enough to check for damage.

“Oh no, I’m sorry. Are you okay?” The boy hurried down the stairs and knelt next to Chouko. The girl looked up through slightly blurry eyes and noticed the boy had slightly darker hair than her.

“I think I will be.” Chouko said as she rubbed her ankle a bit before deciding to rub the bump she had received just above her temple in her hairline. The boy helped Chouko to lean against the stairs before he turned back to head up them.

“I’ll go get someone to help.” The boy hurried back up the stairs and left the girl alone with her thoughts. Of course it was all a joke, why would anyone want to be nice to her. It was those rampant thoughts that made her eyes almost tear up again. Suddenly she was brought from her thoughts when she heard the boy telling someone else where she was. “They’re just down the stairs. I wasn’t paying attention and accidently ran into her.” Chouko looked behind her to find a tall boy with short black hair standing there.

“If you just give me a moment I’ll be fine. There is no need to worry about me.” She said quickly, rubbing the bump at her hairline.

“You’re bleeding.” The tall boy said before he lifted the surprised teen up and began to walk towards another room. The shorter boy followed the two, speaking to the girl a bit as they walked.

“I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to run into you.” He said softly as he held a door open.

“I should have been watching where I was going.” Chouko told him as she was set down on a nearby couch. “It's not the first time I’ve fallen down the stairs either.”

“Oh no, what happened?” A voice Chouko recognized spoke up, drawing her attention behind her. She looked and saw Suoh and Ootori walked towards her, the latter holding a first aid kit.

“I was trying to find the Third Music Room and wasn’t paying attention. Then I ran into him and fell down the stairs.” Chouko pointed towards the short brunette to indicate them as she didn’t know his name. “My bag kind of threw me off balance and I fell down. It isn’t too bad.”

“But you’re bleeding.” Suoh said as he noticed the small amount of blood trickling down from a small cut on Chouko’s temple.

“Let me see.” Ootori said as he pushed Chouko’s hair away from the cut to get a better look at it. He pulled a couple things out of the kit and went to work cleaning and putting a bandage on the small cut. The girl winced at the action and then looked at the dark haired teen.

“Thank you Ootori-san.” With a quick look around Chouko noticed there were a good number of other people around them. “I guess this is the Third Music Room, isn’t it? I spent most of this time trying to find this room.” Chouko laughed slightly, throwing the others in the room a bit off guard. “Oh, I guess I should introduce myself. I’m Chouko Makoto.”

“I’m Haruhi Fujioka. You already know Tamaki and Kyouya. The one who brought you here is Mori-senpai.” The brunette boy spoke, pointing to the tall dark haired boy. Chouko nodded to Haruhi before she thanked Mori for helping her. She was surprised when a small blonde boy bounced up clutching a pink stuffed rabbit to his chest.

“I’m Mitsukuni Haninozuka but you can call me Hunny and this is Usa-chan.” The boy held up the bunny for Chouko to see. She stared at it for a moment before she spoke.

“That is adorable. Could you answer one question for me though?” Chouko looked at the boy who nodded eagerly. “What year are you in? You seem so young but you are in high school obviously.”

“I’m in the year ahead of Tama-tan.” He nodded before bouncing off again, followed by Mori.

“I wonder what he’ll look like in ten years.” Chouko muttered causing Haruhi to laugh slightly at the comment. Soon after the members were sure Chouko was okay they went back to their duties. Chouko watched with a small smile on her face as she saw what they were doing. Girls were smiling and laughing all around her as they interacted with the hosts. She sat for a long while just watching before she cautiously stood up and looked around for Kyouya. Once she found him she made her way to his table, noticing idly that no one was at the table.

“Ootori-san, what all of you are doing here is wonderful. Bringing even a small bit of joy to these girls. I was hoping maybe I could help out.” Chouko stuttered a bit with her request before quickly continuing, trying to prove she could do something. “My parents ran a small bakery for a while and taught me a good bit. I could make the snacks and tea and everything. That would free up Haruhi to continue with his duties with the other girls.” Chouko spoke quickly, hoping that she wasn’t making a fool out of herself. Kyouya watched her for a moment before he stood up.

“I’m sorry, we aren’t accepting..” He was partially through his statement when Tamaki interrupted him.

“That sounds like a wonderful idea. I’m sure the ladies would love the home cooked things that you could provide them. What do you think Kyouya?” Tamaki smiled at Kyouya before the other teen sighed.

“We could run a trial, you can work for the club for two weeks and we’ll see how the ladies enjoy it. We’ll then decide where to go from there. How does that sound to you, Makoto-san?”

“Thank you. I’ll try my hardest to help out.” She smiled at the two, surprising them slightly. In the time that she had been in their class they actually had yet to see her smile. In truth, this was the most either of them had ever heard her speak.

“Then you’ll start tomorrow. Let me show you where you’ll be working from.” Kyouya led the teen away from the table and to an area that they had converted into a kitchen to use for the club.

The trial period had passed uneventfully, the hosts all deciding that things were better with Chouko working in their kitchen. Over that time the hosts and customers became vaguely aware that during club hours music could be heard from the converted room. None of the customers ever questioned the music but slowly the hosts began to question it. They noticed sometimes the music seemed sad, the lyrics seeming somewhat dark for someone who was normally smiling when she was making the food. It was one such day that the hosts decided to try to figure out what was wrong with the girl.

Haruhi walked into the kitchen as heard the song that Chouko was idly singing along with was another one of the sad songs, stirring ingredients in a bowl without look at them.

“Chouko-senpai, are you okay?” Haruhi’s words startled Chouko, causing her to spill a bit of the batter on the counter. Chouko picked up a small towel and cleaned up the batter before she addressed the question Haruhi had asked.

“Yeah, I’m fine. You know, I’m not going to quit telling you to call me Chouko. Adding senpai to it just makes it a mouthful.” Chouko said as she turned to pause her music. She had a small speaker set up where she could plug in her mp3 player and have music while she cooked. As she turned away Haruhi noticed she wasn’t smiling at all, that she seemed to be dreading something.

“It doesn’t seem like you’re fine. Will you please tell me what’s wrong?” Haruhi asked seriously, causing Chouko to stop with her back to him.

“Can wounds of the heart ever heal?” Chouko said before she shook her head and walked around the counter. “Would you mind taking that out to Hunny-senpai’s table?” She pointed to the small cake topped with strawberries. Haruhi nodded his head and grabbed the cake, walking out of the room with a glance back at the girl.

[Chapter 2]

#fanfiction #ouran hshc #kyouya ootori #kyouyaxoc

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yahoo-shutdown-corner-blog · 6 years

Text

2018 NFL Preview: Maybe the dull Ravens can get a jolt from Lamar Jackson

yahoo

Yahoo Sports is previewing all 32 teams as we get ready for the NFL season, counting down the teams one per weekday in reverse order of our initial 2018 power rankings. No. 1 will be revealed on Aug. 1, the day before the Hall of Fame Game kicks off the preseason.

(Yahoo Sports graphics by Amber Matsumoto)

Winning always sells. No matter the sport or the market, it’s a universally accepted fact that you can overcome about anything – a bad stadium, a wretched history, a dreadfully boring style of play, whatever – just by winning.

The 2017 Baltimore Ravens were an exception.

A strange thing happened last season in Week 17, long before Andy Dalton and Tyler Boyd hooked up on a miracle fourth-down touchdown to knock the Ravens out of the playoffs. Fans didn’t show up, even with a playoff spot on the line for the home team. Coach John Harbaugh blamed the late start on New Year’s Eve days before the game kicked off. Some said it was because fans were upset the team kneeled during the national anthem once in London earlier in the season.

It wasn’t just Week 17. Empty seats in Baltimore was a theme through the season, even though the Ravens looked like they were going to the playoffs until the final seconds of the season. Fan apathy started to become a story in 2016 (long before the kneeling in London, which pokes holes in that theory).

“Am I disappointed in it? Yes, I’m disappointed in it. Concerned? Yes,” Ravens owner Steve Bisciotti said, according to the team’s transcripts. “If winning is what we need to do to fill the stadium up, then that’s part and parcel with why we’re here. We’re here to win games, we’re here to succeed, and when we fail, the no-shows are a way of telling us that our fans aren’t pleased. So, we’ve got to win. And I hope that solves the majority of the problems.”

But winning isn’t the only factor. Baltimore was in playoff contention all season. The truth is, the Ravens are a boring football team and have been for a couple years. Not bad. Just boring.

[Yahoo Fantasy Football leagues are open: Sign up now for free]

The Ravens offense has become dreadful to watch. They were last in the NFL in yards per pass last season. They had more than 400 yards in a game just once – a fun 39-38 loss to the Pittsburgh Steelers – and never had a 300-yard passing game. They did, however, have eight games with less than 200 passing yards, and one with 52 passing yards. They had the fewest 20-yard pass plays in the NFL last season, with 29. They were better on offense in the second half, but it still wasn’t an offense that excited anyone.

What do you do when you’re a successful franchise – the Ravens have had only one losing season since 2007 – but the fans are tuning you out anyway? You go take the most exciting player in the NFL draft.

Picking Louisville quarterback Lamar Jackson wasn’t the only change the Ravens made or considered, but it will be the one that defines the franchise in the upcoming years. Baltimore announced this is Ozzie Newsome’s last season as general manager, a plan that has been in the works for a while. Bisciotti didn’t deny he thought about replacing Harbaugh (“It was certainly a consideration, but not one that I was inclined to make this year,” he said). There’s a new defensive coordinator, out of necessity after Dean Pees “retired” only to resurface with the Titans shortly after. Baltimore has three new receivers and two new rookie tight ends. And, of course, a new quarterback controversy.

Joe Flacco hasn’t been dealt a great hand lately. The Ravens haven’t put much talent around him. A back injury he suffered last July might be a reason he didn’t play well last season. But here’s what matters now: It has been a long time since Flacco had a good season, he’s 33 years old with a terrible contract, and he’ll soon be the Ravens’ former quarterback. The clock starts when a team drafts a quarterback in the first round. Ask Alex Smith how that goes.

It’s possible Flacco holds off Jackson all this season. The Ravens added receivers Michael Crabtree, John Brown and Willie Snead in free agency. They drafted tight ends Hayden Hurst and Mark Andrews. That will help Flacco. Also, the Ravens probably will be in playoff contention again, and teams rarely change quarterbacks when that’s the case. But the change is coming. It’s just a matter of when.

I think Jackson has the ability to be this year’s Deshaun Watson, a player who has an instant impact and we laugh at the teams that passed on him. There are plenty of teams who will be looking for a quarterback soon but ignored Jackson anyway. Other than Mike Vick, Jackson might be the most dynamic rushing quarterback we’ve seen in college. He’s a far better pocket passer than many critics gave him credit for. Ravens players raved about him in offseason practices. If he’s in the right offense – and the Ravens have assistants who have positive experience with mobile quarterbacks – I think Jackson will be a star. I loved the pick for the Ravens and think it will change their franchise. Even if it makes things uncomfortable in the present.

Even with an inevitable quarterback controversy and incorporating a lot of new faces on offense, we know what to expect out of the Ravens. They won’t be fun to watch, but they’ll contend. They always do.

The question is, will the people of Baltimore come out and watch this time around?

Joe Flacco (5) watches quarterback Lamar Jackson throw a pass during an offseason Ravens practice. (AP)

Before breaking down the moves, a quick rant about the Ryan Grant situation. The Ravens agreed to a $29 million deal with Grant, a former Washington Redskins receiver. It was an enormous contract for someone with Grant’s resume. Before Grant’s deal with Baltimore became official, the Raiders cut Michael Crabtree. The Ravens seemed to have some buyer’s remorse, because they said Grant failed his physical even though he has never missed a game in four NFL seasons. Then — surprise, surprise — the Ravens signed Crabtree. Grant settled for a one-year, $5 million deal with the Colts. While the Ravens stick by their story that is was a medical decision out of their control, it’s easy to be skeptical. And if the Ravens decided to fail Grant on his physical because something better came along, they deserve every bit of bad karma coming to them.

All that out of the way, the Ravens made some necessary moves to improve their passing offense. Crabtree is a solid addition, John Brown has been a good deep threat when he’s healthy and is worth a shot, and Willie Snead was productive with the New Orleans Saints before falling out of favor. Between first-round pick Hayden Hurst and third-round pick Mark Andrews, the Ravens might finally have an answer at tight end. And as stated previously, I believe Lamar Jackson at No. 32 overall will end up being a pick we all remember.

GRADE: B

The Ravens have a heck of a secondary. They allowed a 72.4 passer rating last season. Assuming cornerback Jimmy Smith has a smooth recovery from Achilles surgery, it should be a great group again. Between Smith, Brandon Carr and 2017 first-round pick Marlon Humphrey, the Ravens have great cornerback depth. And Tony Jefferson and Eric Weddle form one of the NFL’s best safety duos.

I wonder if the way last season ended causes a hangover. In the final minute of the season finale, Bengals receiver Tyler Boyd somehow got free on fourth and 12 for a 49-yard touchdown. The Bengals won and the Bills took the Ravens’ playoff spot. You don’t shake that off in a day or two.

“We get into a fourth-and-12 situation, we get into a coverage that we think has a chance,” John Harbaugh said after the season. “We do not play it exceptionally well. It is a little bit of a safer coverage. It is a coverage built for that down and distance, and (Andy Dalton) moves around the pocket a little bit and drops one in there, and your heart is broken. That is football. Nobody writes a script. You do not get a chance to decide how the script is going to be written. That is all you can do. That is the human reality of the whole thing.”

It’s a loss that will sting for years. The Ravens won five of six late in the season, were a huge favorite to beat the Bengals, and had to assume until that fourth-and-12 they were going to the playoffs. Then, poof, their season was over. Harbaugh is a good coach and I figure he’ll lead his veteran team through this, but that’s one tough way to end a season.

This stat is a staple in these previews: Since 2006, the year after Aaron Rodgers was picked by the Green Bay Packers, Jake Locker and Brady Quinn are the only two first-round quarterbacks to not start at least one game as a rookie. Of the past 29 first-round quarterbacks, 27 got at least one rookie start. That tells us the chances of Lamar Jackson sitting all season are probably slim. The holdup might be that the Ravens’ offense will have to change dramatically when the change is made. The offense Joe Flacco runs might not have much in common with what the Ravens use with Jackson. It wouldn’t be easy to change, then go back to Flacco if Jackson struggles. No matter, recent history tells us it’s probably a good bet we see Jackson start at least once this season.

For what seems like the 20th straight season, Terrell Suggs led the Ravens in sacks. And continuing another streak, I’ll wonder in the Ravens preview how long Suggs can keep this going. He’s a great player, a future Hall of Famer, but it’s not like there’s a great history of 36-year-old pass rushers (Suggs will turn 36 on Oct. 11). At least the Ravens have emerging rusher Matt Judon, who had eight sacks last season, but no other Raven had more than three-and-a-half sacks. There is a lot of promise at the position, but they need more production. They need a Za’Darius Smith (who had a lot of quarterback hits, just not many sacks) or 2017 second-round pick Tyus Bowser to take the next step, because Suggs won’t be this good forever … I think.

From Yahoo’s Liz Loza: “Keep an eye on Willie Snead. Sure, his 2017 campaign underwhelmed, but a lot of that had to do with a three-game suspension and a nagging hamstring injury. The year prior, he posted a 72-895-4 stat line, demonstrating sticky mitts (catch rate of 69.2 percent) and dominating after the catch (373 yards). Given the Ravens’ lack of pass-catching weapons, the former Saint figures to get fed. He’s not a prime red-zone target, but he could easily see 95 targets on the season and have value in PPR-friendly formats.”

[Booms/Busts: Fantasy outlook on the Ravens.]

[Yahoo Fantasy Football leagues are open: Sign up now for free]

We talked about fumble luck in the Titans preview. Many analysts believe strongly in fumble luck, good or bad, being a key indicator of regression. The Ravens might have reason to worry then. Baltimore had the best fumble luck in the NFL last season, recovering 65.9 percent of fumbles according to Team Rankings. That helped fuel a plus-17 turnover margin. If that doesn’t repeat, the Ravens will have to improve in other areas to be in the playoff hunt again.

IS ALEX COLLINS THE REAL DEAL?

Collins is a good example of why teams should think twice before investing a lot into the running back position. Collins was a fifth-round pick of the Seahawks in 2016. He got 31 carries as a rookie, was cut before last season and got signed to the Ravens’ practice squad. Then Collins, who couldn’t find a spot on anyone’s 53-man roster to start the season, finished the season as one of the more efficient backs in the league.

The Ravens signed Collins from the practice squad early in the season, and he ended up with 973 rushing yards and six touchdowns. He averaged 4.6 yards per carry and brought a much-needed spark to the Ravens offense. He had the eighth highest success rate among all NFL backs last season, according to Football Outsiders. While the Ravens get Kenneth Dixon back from a torn meniscus that wiped out his 2017 season, and Javorius Allen is still around too, Collins should be the clear lead back. There’s no reason to believe Collins can’t repeat, or even improve upon, his breakout season.

The Ravens were very good last season on defense and special teams (kicker Justin Tucker is simply amazing), and that should carry over. The offense also improved late, even if few people noticed. There were some important upgrades on offense this offseason. While I’m not sure a team with Michael Crabtree as a clear No. 1 receiver is in a great spot, the offense should be better. If that’s the case and the defense and special teams play well again, it’s not too tough to envision the Ravens improving by a couple wins and challenging the Steelers for the AFC North.

Quarterback controversies are usually tricky to navigate. And there will be a controversy at some point, especially since Lamar Jackson is such an exciting option. If Joe Flacco struggles early, John Harbaugh will be in a tough spot with a quarterback who helped him win a Super Bowl. And as much as I like Jackson, maybe when he gets a shot we’ll see exactly why he fell in the draft. I’m through picking the Ravens to have a losing season because it seems they never do, but it’s easy to see them missing the playoffs again.

The Ravens will probably be what they usually are. They won’t be particularly exciting, but effective. I’ll assume they’re in the nine-win range, not good enough to make the Steelers sweat but in the wild-card hunt. Maybe this time around they won’t have a playoff spot snatched from them in the final minute of the season.

32. Cleveland Browns 31. Indianapolis Colts 30. New York Jets 29. Arizona Cardinals 28. Buffalo Bills 27. Cincinnati Bengals 26. Chicago Bears 25. New York Giants 24. Miami Dolphins 23. Washington Redskins 22. Tampa Bay Buccaneers 21. Houston Texans 20. Seattle Seahawks 19. Oakland Raiders 18. Denver Broncos 17. San Francisco 49ers 16. Detroit Lions 15. Tennessee Titans

– – – – – – –

Frank Schwab is a writer for Yahoo Sports. Have a tip? Email him at [email protected] or follow him on Twitter! Follow @YahooSchwab

#_author:Frank Schwab #_uuid:3df9342e-dc7c-39c1-8eb5-617343f04108 #_lmsid:a077000000CFoGyAAL #_revsp:99add987-dcd1-48ae-b801-e4aa58e4ebd0

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phawareglobal · 7 years

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Kathleen Sheffer Transcript

For former PH patient, Kathleen Sheffer, writing has become a tool for her to process her heart-lung transplant and the events leading up to it. Kathleen candidly shares her experience post transplant. You can also follow her journey through her blog "Rose Colored Mask" on the phaware website.

My name is Kathleen Sheffer and I'm from San Francisco, California.

I was diagnosed with pulmonary hypertension when I was six years old. On July 1st, I received a heart-lung transplant. We talk about transplantation as the only cure for pulmonary hypertension, and while I no longer have pulmonary hypertension now, it's really more like trading one chronic illness for another. Transplant comes with a lot of risks, just the procedure itself and then there's also the risk of rejection, which never goes away. In addition to that, there's risk of infection with lifelong immunosuppression. You're really balancing rejection and infection for the rest of your life.

My goal was always to beat PH and to live long enough for them to find a cure, and maybe a medication that would reverse the effects of the disease. For 16 years I sought the most aggressive therapies. I saw multiple specialists. I exercised as much as I could and just tried to live a normal life while I waited for the cure. Some people have asked how I made the decision to go forward with a transplant. I had questions myself. I didn't know when the right time would be. I worried that I wouldn't be able to have a transplant in the window where I was healthy enough to have the surgery, but sick enough to qualify to be eligible for a transplant.

When it came down to it, it didn't feel like much of a choice. On May 19, 2016, I woke up with a cough. I started wheezing and eventually spit something up. I went to the bathroom and discovered that I was holding blood in my hand. I was visiting a friend in Seattle, and as I sprayed blood all over her toilet seat she called 911. Two ambulance rides and three hospital rooms later, I learned that this event, what they called massive hemoptysis, was a serious progression of my PH. I was lucky to have survived it, and they said I was unlikely to survive another event.

I'd been dreading transplant for years. It was always the "when all else fails" option, but when my doctor called my mom, who then relayed his message to me, saying that it was time for me to be listed for transplant, I felt surprisingly calm. I was lucky that they recognized the window, and I was listed for a transplant 14 days after my hemoptysis. 28 days later, I received a call offering me a new heart and lungs. They came just in time. I wish this were always the case. I've watched too many friends lose their battle with pulmonary hypertension while waiting for a transplant. In the United States, an average of 22 people die each day waiting for a transplant.

I've heard a lot of patients who are considering transplant worrying about the statistics. Centers are required to provide patient survival data, so for me, looking at spreadsheets that only list outcomes as far as 10 years post-transplant made it a pretty unappealing option, especially at 23 years old. But PH patients know that life expectancy numbers are meaningless. Doctors predicted that I wouldn't live to be nine years old. Even after I proved that wrong, they predicted that I would not live to graduate high school. My parents set up a college savings account for me anyway, and I graduated UC-Berkeley in May 2015. I plan on continuing to beat the odds, now with a new heart and lungs.

Even though this experience has been filled with a lot of pain, irritability, confusion, and anxiety, I'm really grateful to know what it's like to live with a healthy heart and lungs. The first time that I became breathless with exercise, stopped, and then caught my breath, I cried happy tears of joy. With PH I would have to stop after walking a block or two, and then when I eventually continued on I would still be breathless and stop even more frequently. Now, every time I get off the train I take the stairs instead of the escalator, and it feels great.

What's been really helpful for me has been reading memoirs of other patients who have gone through similar procedures. I read a book by the first heart-lung transplant recipient. Her description of her experience helped me be able to communicate mine and feel okay about the feelings that I was having about the confusion and the guilt. In multiple memoirs that I've read, patients will express that they feel like they were unworthy of the transplant, and that they don't have the appropriate amount of gratitude.

When I'm sitting on my couch at home and I'm debating going out for a hike, I'll usually motivate myself by thinking someone died so that I could go on this hike. I'm laughing about it now but it's the truth. You live every day knowing that someone else gave their heart and lungs so that I could be here today. You still are in a lot of pain, and it's still really difficult. You are living with chronic immunosuppression. I have multiple appointments a week still. Being able to read that other patients go through the same set of emotions where you're following like you need to be the poster child of organ transplantation and encourage people to register to be donors ... because of course you want that, but at the same time I feel like I need to speak for others and show the bad with the good.

When I talk to people on the street and they hear that I had a heart-lung transplant, they'll say, "Congratulations." One woman called me a walking miracle over and over again. It's a lot of pressure. Some days I just want to be 23 and be upset about my appearance or whatever I'm worried about at that time.

Reading these accounts by other patients who have gone before me has been really helpful, so I started writing partly as a way to process it and give a timeline to what's happened. Writing it down makes it make more sense in my head. At the same time, it's been really rewarding to be able to describe what I'm going through and have other patients tell me that they felt the same way, or thank me for sharing, writing about this experience, because often they don't feel like they can talk about it.

It's been really helpful for me to get positive feedback from parents or other patients who have gone through transplantation, and to hear that my story resonates with them. It has helped me build community and connect with people who are across the country. Probably the most meaningful to me has been the mother of another PH patient who had a transplant. She thanked me for sharing how I felt.

I count things by week now. I have on my calendar 18 weeks post-transplant. I also have 200 days and 100 days, and I'm constantly keeping track of how far post-transplant I am. It really was striking, the difference between, say, 20 days post-transplant and then 40 days post-transplant, or one month post-transplant and two months post-transplant. Now I'm four months post-transplant, and the changes have been just mind-boggling: the fact that I can run today, and four months ago I couldn't walk around a block.

Time works really differently now. To know that 23 days post-transplant I was finally released from the hospital and I weighed 30 pounds heavier than I should have in water weight. I felt like I would never be feeling this great. To look back and see how good I'm feeling today and all that I'm able to do, and then think back to it was really just three months ago when I was feeling miserable and confused.

I know that when I was in the hospital, I tried to remember how bad I felt then. Because I knew I would feel better later, but I wanted to ... people kept saying, "Think big picture," and that this was the worst of it. But when I was there in the worst of it I really wanted to remember just how terrible it was. Because it seemed like I had to fight through every single minute and every hour. It just took so long to recover. Now it's literally only been four months, and feeling like this, it was totally worth it just to go through that. Looking back, it was just one bad month, really. It felt like a year, but I'm glad that I kept fighting through it. There was a lot of times when I just had to think of something else or put on my headphones and listen to really loud music. I would listen to Twenty One Pilots because it was the angriest band that I could think of.

Being able to exercise has always been one of the things that I wanted most in life. I come from a family that loves to exercise, and I would always be standing there waiting while they went up and down stairs. My sister and my mom would run up and down stairs, and just love the workout. Now I'm able to, and stairs actually suck. It's still hard to exercise, but I'm really grateful to be able to do this. I don't know. It's just pretty cool.

Yesterday I went to Sutro Baths in San Francisco. You have to go down tons and tons of stairs and then walk back up them. I was carrying a backpack of camera equipment and a light stand. I had done it months ago before my transplant, and I had to stop along the way over and over again. It was one of the hardest things I'd ever done, so I swore I'd never go back to that spot. But it's a beautiful spot, so every wedding photographer ends up taking their bride there usually. We went there yesterday and I just did all of the stairs, walked up all of them without stopping. When I got to the top I was just thrilled. I had to tell someone, like, "Four months ago I couldn't walk around a block and I just did all those stairs." That's pretty cool.

It's been interesting, my sister is two years younger than I am, and when I was diagnosed at age six, she was four. Mostly, my experience with PH was my parents and I would go to appointments. I was gradually learning about the disease and how to care for my own medications. For the most part, she wasn't a huge part of it. She was younger, so most of what she knew was that my parents and I would have to leave and go to hospitals, and she would stay at home with a friend. She knew that I couldn't keep up with her if she went on a run. It's been interesting now because she's having a hard time adjusting, actually, to us being an exercising family and me being able to keep up with her. Because for so long she had to slow down and make sure that she wasn't going too fast for me. Now we can exercise together, which is fun, but a bit of an adjustment for her.

It was really nice having the transplant at 23 with her being 21. She was there throughout the procedure and my hospitalization afterward, and was really an important part of my care team. To be able to have her, in addition to my parents and friends, was really nice. You spend a lot of time with your caregivers post-transplant. You get pretty close to them. Being able to have my sister, who's one of my best friends and around my age, to be there, it's nice to have someone younger to talk to, and nice for my parents as well to have her as sort of relief.

It's a lot of work for one person to do, so I've been lucky to have friends. Friends have spent the night with me when my parents wanted to take one night off. They won't let you get a transplant unless you prove that you have a support system. It's really a lot of work for anyone.

I don't know if I conveyed it enough. A lot of people have said, "Oh, I should wait until I go into, like, a crisis before being listed for a transplant." Should they wait till they have something like I had? I had hemoptysis. I didn't really think that I was going to survive that, so for me, it was good that I had doctors that I trusted. When they said it was time for my transplant, then I just believed them and did it. It is a really scary thing. When I was in the darkest part of it, I was convinced that no one should go through this and no one should try to have a transplant, but my recovery was, in retrospect, really fast. I feel great today and I'm just really grateful that I did take the plunge and had doctors who advocated for me to be listed at priority, and to recognize that window.

I'm Kathleen Sheffer, and I'm aware that I'm rare!

Listen to “I’m Aware That I’m Rare: the phaware™ podcast” at www.phaware.global/podcast. Learn more about pulmonary hypertension at www.phaware.global. #phaware #phawarepod

Check out the office phaware™ podcast site

#pulmonary hypertension #phaware #rare disease #lung disease #clinical trials #podcast #PH #asthma

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stephen-daly-hypnotist-blog · 7 years

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Stephen Daly BLOG #1 This is my story that i want to share about Depression. PLEASE TALK TO SOMEONE.. The picture is my tree of life for Sean and Kirsty, Cherry Blossom Tree just coming in to bloom. Planted in 2000 ❤️ This post might be hard for some of you to read. I thought long and hard about it, how to write it and even whether to write it. But I know I wouldn’t be where I am today if these things hadn’t happened to me. I also know that what happened, although it felt unique in its awfulness, is actually very common. The loss of premature babies is very common, very untalked about. It’s especially difficult for men to talk about it, but the pain and, for me the guilt, was there. So I am going to tell the story. If you have gone through, or are going through something similar I urge you to NOT do what I did. Don’t keep it inside and bottle up the torrent of feelings. Get in contact with someone who can help you. Start by contacting me. I may well be able to help clear your emotions or recommend someone who can. So here goes. Here is the first part of my story. Its January 1998 my then wife is pregnant; I get a call from her saying she is bleeding and going to hospital. So I pack up my work tools and let her know I will meet her at the hospital. ‘Nothing to worry about,’ I say to myself, ‘she’s spotted before and this will be our third child . . .’ This is the beginning of the point at which my whole world stopped and I would change forever. The next thing was four days in hospital with no sleep; my mum was by my side 24 hours a day. My wife is drugged up so much she is barely conscious. We have to get the baby to 30 weeks, we were told. My wife was only 25 weeks pregnant. We were advised by the doctors that the baby could be blind, disabled, the list went on and on. I was on my own, as my wife was as good as unconscious. A decision had to be made. My mum just said; whatever decision I made be the right one. Time stood still. But the baby was on the way. He was going to be born. It was explained to me that he may already be dead. If he was alive the chances were he would need a vast number of operations and there was always that question of Quality of Life, would he even have one?? So, there it is: QUALITY OF LIFE . . . The baby was born. I chose not to have the crash team there when he was born . . . just let the will of life take its course and see what prevails. That fateful day, the 7th February 1998 Sean was born, he took just a few short breaths, he was perfectly formed and beautiful then he passed away. Now I pick up the pieces. I have to be strong. After all, I can’t let my two daughters down; I can’t let my wife down. My full bucket of problems was now overflowing, we ticked along trying to come to terms with what had happened but no answers came. It is now January 2000, my wife is now 19 weeks pregnant. The pregnancy is not planned but maybe this is the answer to all the pain. Sadly No. Kirsty was born dead on the 19th January. Another premature baby, again perfectly formed but at only 20 weeks. How did I feel? Numb! Yes Numb! How do I tell my two beautiful daughters again that they won’t have a sibling to play with . . . We said goodbye to Kirsty a week later. No parent should ever have to bury their children. Guilt has now hit me. It’s all my fault, I keep saying to myself, ‘ I should have looked after my wife better!’ But I know that was grief talking. We tick along . . . My wife goes to SANDS (the stillbirth and neo-natal deaths charity) for counselling. I didn’t go for counselling. I have to be strong.. We tick along . . . Then a miracle happened my son Michael was born on 25th January 2002. It was not easy, not easy at all. My wife had been in hospital for seven months whilst I juggled looking after two kids and holding down a full-time job. The bucket of my life is truly overflowing and without my mum, I know I couldn’t have done it. I tick along . . . but no matter how much joy my three children give me I still feel guilty over Sean (not about Kirsty, because there was not that decision to be made?) I can’t get the thought out of my head that I made the wrong decision. Still, I do not talk about it. And the pressure is building, like the snow building up to an avalanche it is silent, it is unseen. But the catastrophe is building up. It is ahead, waiting to swamp me. I tick along……..I throw myself into my family and my hobby of Koi Keeping. 2003 I start to import koi from Japan and it’s going great! I open a shop, all is good but still can’t get it out of my head that I made the wrong decision. Guilt is really dragging me down now… 2007 we closed the business as it was causing marital problems. 2008 we split up as my depression still not diagnosed, finally finishes us off. 2009 The lowest point in my life and I will never allow myself to return to it. I decided my family was better off without me;my mum owned a mobile home in Newquay Wales. It is now September 2009 and I travel on my own to the mobile home on the Saturday and decided that on the Wednesday I will end it! (yes I was that calm about it) The Wednesday came, I got up, went in to Newquay Bay to have some chips one last time, I sat on a bench eating my chips still feeling calm. The bay has bottle nose dolphins which came in to play, it is a true sight to behold. So, I’m sitting on the bench and see 2 dolphins come in to the bay and you could see them so clearly. As I ate my chips watching the dolphins play I thought, how wonderful it was and that I must tell the kids what a beautiful sight I saw. That moment there! was like a hammer blow!! I came home and sought help, Counselling for 8 weeks to feel even more guilty. Anti-depressants, Citalopram first 10mg then 20 mg then 30 mg, ashamed of what I have become, nothing could move me I barely functioned. 2010 I still feel guilty, why oh why did I not get the crash team in. Can’t Shake the Depression. I try self-hypnosis from some books I’d bought a few years back, it helped but not enough, I looked at learning hypnosis but too costly, I went on with my life not great just surviving what more can you ask for. Ticking Along…. 2011 I’m feeling ok within myself but was still on medication, then I started to lower my dose and eventually came off them altogether but there it is still, GUILT! Why did I not get the crash team there?!.. Then I met a lovely lady whom I’m still with, she somehow puts up with me.. I’m on my knees financially and emotionally but she says she sees something in me, a great and confident man that was once there. Her bonkers infuriating ways made me look up again and I realise that I’m not all bad but there it is GUILT… Why oh why did I not get the crash team there?!.. February 2015 I finally get the chance to learn hypnosis, not a great course but I had the basics. February 2016 I get on a decent course and get my Diploma from Sean Casey Poole and meet some wonderful people. I tick along doing windy staircase waterfall scripted hypnosis and did get great results but I knew there had to be better ways and quicker. I then stumbled on Karl Smiths course through a hypnosis friend who had attended his course on Kinetic Shift. I attended the course in York 2016 where I meet amazing people and now call them friends and I would say for me it was a life changing weekend, as on this weekend my Guilt Stopped.. The technique Karl showed us was utterly brilliant but I wasn’t willing to try it on such an epic thing in my life just in case the tears flowed. Then.. Lorna Harvey and I were practicing when I said to her it was a 10.. She went through it perfectly and then it was gone!! I was shocked, stunned, no tears just joy. I inboxed Lorna afterwards to tell her a bit about my story but mainly to thank her, but I truly want to thank Karl Smith who I can now call my friend. I now treat clients from the heart and not from a script. I am now continuing my growth as a hypnotherapist treating all manner of problems. I am continuing my journey with No Guilt and No more ticking along. More learning in 2017 I now shoot from the heart and every client gets my heart. Thank you Stephen Daly Hypnotherapist

#blogging #my story #getintouch #icanhelp #hypnosisworks #living #anxiety #depression

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