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irwinkitten · 4 years

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decisions | poly!kayshton

requested by anon: Okay so we all know how protective alpha!Kayston is about omega!reader but what about her getting sad and needy cause she’s watching them help each other through their ruts and won’t let her join even tho the doctor gave the okay on it. Like they’re afraid to hurt her physically but don’t realize they’re hurting her emotionally. notes: this was intending to be like, 600 words long??? HA. that was never gonna happen. don’t like it, don’t read it. (there is also some abo!lierra in here too) warnings: angst, smut, fluff word count: 4.6k. (600 words my fuckin ASS)

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@sexgodashton‘s abo!sos stuff can be found here

Being pregnant with twins was certainly an experience for you. Being pregnant with twins after being impregnated by two Alphas was something else entirely.

Mercifully for you, because of the pregnancy, it meant that you stopped going into heat. But when a bump had started showing, your alphas had turned to each other when their ruts had hit them.

This appointment you’d attended alone, their ruts having caught the three of you by surprise. Your doctor was surprisingly kind, a Beta. And she sensed a question that was burning your mouth.

“Even if it feels stupid to ask, sometimes asking helps.” She encouraged gently.

“Will their ruts hurt me or the babies?” And you felt the lone tear fall. She handed you a tissue with no hesitation.

“No. It’s perfectly safe for both of them if they’re rutting. The only thing I wouldn’t recommend is both of them. It won’t cause any damage from what we’ve seen in previous cases like yours, but it’s better not to take the chance. One of them, yes. Both of them, it’s not been proven to be dangerous but it’s not been proven to be safe either.” Her words were both comforting and frustrating.

“They’ve been focusing on each other instead of you, haven’t they?” Her question wasn’t unkind, but the tears fell regardless.

“It’s like they can’t even touch me any more and it’s driving me mad but they won’t listen. And I can hear them and it hurts to think like this because it draws back to the fears of just being a breeding purpose.” You’d never admit that to your Alpha’s. But some of the words that had been slung at you had stuck.

“It might be presumptuous of me, but I can always put you in touch with a therapy service. It’s not to make you believe the rhetoric spouted by the bigots,” she cut in at your outraged look, “but to help you go through all of this. I might be a professional but even I recognised that both of your alphas are famous.” Her dry tone caused your face to grow warm and you hesitated.

“I could maybe take a look.” You finally admitted quietly and she handed you a small card.

“Don’t be too mad with them. They’re just thinking that they’re doing the right thing and are entirely misguided because of it.”

You nodded your thanks to her before leaving, booking the next appointment. When you got into the car, you made the journey home, wondering if you could step into the house knowing that their scent was going to drive you crazy and they wouldn’t do anything about it.

You could hear them as soon as you stepped through the door, and you steered your thoughts away from being rejected.

But it didn’t make it hurt any less.

Grabbing a blanket and a couple of pillows from the living room, you headed out to where the porch swing was, curling up and wrapping yourself in the blanket as you muffled the heartbroken tears that fell.

Whether they knew they were hurting you or not, you couldn’t stop the pain, the loneliness.

When the house fell silent, you pressed your face into the pillow, unwilling to give them worry. You weren’t too sure if you’d be able to face them at that moment.

Taking the decision to stop your heart from breaking further, you called Luke. When he greeted you, you couldn’t find the words to ask if you could stay with him.

But he understood.

“I’ll be around in fifteen. At least tell your dumb alphas that you’re coming to mine or they’ll panic.” Part of you wanted them to panic, to feel that worry. But you hummed an agreement.

When you made your way upstairs, it was quiet. When you stepped in your shared bedroom, joy tried to ignore the heartache at the sight of them wrapped up together, asleep.

So you quietly packed some clothes and made your way downstairs, leaving a note on the kitchen counter for them to find when they woke up.

Luke has arrived and once you were in the car and he was pulling away, you cried.

“What are they doing, sweet thing?” And you told him everything.

When you’d arrived at his, Sierra was there to greet you, her concern melting into annoyance at your alphas.

“They should know better.” She muttered as she took your hand and guided you inside.

When your bag had been set by the stairs, her arms drew you into a hug. Her touch felt wrong and yet you leaned into it because it was the first piece of physical affection you’d gotten and the small, sad thought caused the tears to fall.

“Sweetheart.” Sierra’s concern was overwhelming and you held onto her tightly. And then it clicked for her when she caught a whiff of their scents on you.

Without another word, she pulled you upstairs to the spare bedroom, her arms and body wrapping around yours as you cried.

“Love?” Luke had followed helplessly behind, feeling at a complete loss of what to do.

“Their Alpha’s haven’t touched them during their ruts. It’s probably the worst thing they could’ve done because our sweet omega here is trying to convince their mind that it’s not a rejection. That it’s out of care. But they’re hurting.” Sierra’s voice was soothing and her hand ran up and down your back as you struggled to contain the sobbing.

“But, this?” His hesitation was met with a warm smile from his mate.

“The physical connection with an Alpha is a form of grounding. More often than not it’s an Alpha they know, which is why we’re like this. You’re emotional support but they need that physical touch, especially with the babies.” Luke’s face was a picture.

“Babies?”

“Surprise.” You muttered into Sierra's shoulder.

“Oh sweet omega, you were never gonna be able to hide that from other Alphas. Luke here is just a bit slow on that uptake and scent change.” Sierra teased and you simply sighed in return.

Eventually Luke crawled behind you and didn’t protest the other omegas touch.

It had been very hit and miss with the pregnancy, other omegas touch having made you feel physically ill. Part of you suspected it was because you were nestled into Sierra.

“Is it wrong for me to say I’m glad that we don’t have a third?” Luke’s quiet huff instantly had guilt rushing through you.

“Sorry Lu.” You whispered and he scoffed, his arms tightening around you.

“Don’t apologise. I’m just thinking out loud. I know you’re mates and this doesn’t bother me, but sharing another? I don’t know how I’d feel.” He murmured and you chuckled.

“I wasn’t sure at first. But they were both so possessive, Kaykay more than Ashton, and I wanted them both. I guess there’s something guiding us with our mating, at least our attitudes. You wouldn’t have a third if you got jealous easily. They get jealous, yes, but when I’m not focusing on them after so long.” Your voice seemed to get heavier and Sierra tutted gently.

“Questions later. Rest sweet thing. When can I expect your mates to start storming the walls?”

The order wasn’t quite an Alpha’s order, but your body began to submit regardless.

“Probably when they realise that I meant what I said when I told them I was spending a few days away.” You replied before you finally fell asleep.

When you next woke up, you felt confused. You were still sandwiches between Sierra and Luke and your bladder was about to burst.

You shifted, climbing over Sierra before rushing to the bathroom, your bladder feeling the relief once you’d peed. When you returned to the room, Sierra was sat up.

“Looks like you needed that last night sweet thing. We thought you’d wake up to the smell of food but you didn’t even twitch.” Her tone was amused and you felt your eyes unable to meet hers.

“You should’ve woken me, I need to-I have to still eat even when I don’t want to.” It explained why you hadn’t been hit with morning sickness yet.

“Don’t worry. It happens. Let’s get some food started and this big lug of an omega should get up then.”

You followed her downstairs, and watched as she began to make breakfast. You’d retrieved yourself phone from your bag to find the battery nearly drained as well a lot of missed calls.

Plugging it into a charger, you opened up the texts from your mates, noting the apologetic tones. You sighed.

“I guess they’re feeling sorry.” Sierra murmured and you nodded.

“I know they are, but this, this is different.” You hummed and she nodded.

“It is. You’re more than welcome to stay another night.” She murmured gently and you nodded in return.

“I appreciate your hospitality.” The two of you shared a smile as you heard footsteps upstairs and she dished up the food.

When Luke got downstairs, his hair was ruffled and he couldn't contain his yawn, but he greeted you with a grin before greeting his mate with a kiss.

You looked away, the sharp pain giving you a shock, your hand reaching up to grasp over your heart.

Sierra was immediately in front of you, her hands cradling your face as you shrugged to take in any kind of breath.

“You’re not going catatonic on us sweet thing. Yes your Alohas have been dumb but they’ll come back to you.” And your mind latched onto those words, the few tears that had fallen made you feel slightly guilty.

“You shouldn’t have to deal with this. I’m sorry.” You whispered and she shook her head.

“Despite them being idiots, letting you fall into a catatonic state would make everything worse. And I’m certain your Alphas would rip me a new one.” She murmured as she cleaned your face free from the tears.

You didn’t argue with her as she finally pulled away and returned to breakfast, your mind replaying her words over and over to ease the pain in your chest.

“So I was thinking, maybe winding the two very dumb alphas up today, what do you say?” Luke’s question was so casual you very nearly didn’t pay attention to it, trying to keep your mind focused on the fact that they hadn’t rejected you.

But you’d heard his words and felt that they deserved some worry.

“Luke...” Sierra's tone was a warning and he grinned impishly at her.

“We’re just going out. But you aren’t going to know where, and neither are they. I’ll take my phone so we can call if we need it, but today is an omega day.” He turned a cheeky smile in your direction and you tried to smile back, but it felt like a grimace.

“It’d be nice to be around people who don’t make me wanna throw up.” Both Alpha and omega snorted their drinks in laughter before the three of you went and got ready for the day.

By the time the car was down the highway, you ignored the tug that was begging you to go home. You knew you were going to go home but you needed to teach them a lesson.

Even if it hurt you.

It was a day of the beach mostly. Neither of you were looked at twice, not with your two marks and his singular one. And if there were fans about, they left the two of you alone.

You’d done some shopping, finding the silliest finds that you could for your mates. You’d picked out the most obnoxious shirt for Ashton, knowing he’d probably wear it, paired with the most ridiculous board shorts as well. For Kaykay you’d picked up some outrageous skirts that held clashing colours as well as another obnoxious shirt. But you’d also picked out some nicer gifts as well.

As you walked about, stopping every now and then, you were feeling more relaxed for the first time in weeks.

It felt like a small piece of freedom which soothed your aching soul.

“Do you think if I asked, they’d move closer to the coastline?” You asked as the two of you got ice cream. Luke paid for you, much to your dismay.

“I think they’d move to the ends of the earth if you asked them to. However I know that Ash has been looking at either selling up or expanding. Why the coast though?” You were walking along the parade, your arm looked through his as you hummed, trying to process your thoughts.

“It just feels soothing. I know that it’ll be hell during tourist season but if we could find a quiet place with a nice sized garden along the coastline? It’d be ideal.”

The two of you finished up, heading back to the car. The sun was beginning to set and you knew that Luke had promised for the two of you to be back for dinner.

You hadn’t expected to see Ashton’s car parked just outside of the driveway, causing your eyebrows to shoot up. You also didn’t expect to hear shouting from within the house when you stepped out of the car.

“You two are thick fucking Alpha’s if you really believe that to be a way to treat your Omega!” Sierra’s voice cut through the air and you shared a look with Luke.

“I guess she decided to give them the what for.” He muttered as the two of you made your way back inside.

“We’d damage them or the babies, it’s why we-”

“Says who? Did you talk to your mate? Ask their doctor? I held your mate as they cried last night because of you absolute morons!”

The shouting had masked your entry back and you slowly made your way to the sound of the shouting.

“If anyone should be shouting, it should be me.” You muttered as you stepped into the living room and three pairs of eyes snapped to you. Sierra smiled.

The relief on Kaykay and Ashton’s faces made your anger surge.

“You don’t get to look at me like that.” You snapped, causing both of them to reel back in shock. “Had you listened to me the first time, you’d have found out that it’s fine for you to be with me when you rut. Maybe not both together but individually, yes.”

Their faces fell and you turned to Sierra.

“I know you extended the invite for me to stay tonight, but I think we’d best get home.” She smiled and pulled you in for a hug.

“You’re welcome back anytime.”

When Luke pulled you into a hug, you held on a little bit tighter.

“We need more omega days.” He whispered before letting you go.

“I did have the best day today. Thank you.” And he beamed.

You made your way upstairs and collected the few things you’d brought before heading back down to where your two silent Alphas were waiting.

The journey home was excruciating because they held their silence. You refused to give any satisfaction of breaking the quiet, so the journey was held no conversations or music as Ashton drove the three of you home.

When you were back within the walls of your own home, you headed up to the spare room and this finally broke their silence.

“Are you, you’re not sleeping with us?” The hesitation in Kaykay’s voice made your chest hurt once more. But you tried to ignore the side that was screaming at you to crawl back into your room with them.

“Unless you two are going to touch me, no.”

Her hand reached out, fingers curving your cheek with a hopeful look in her eyes. You could only sigh.

“You know I don’t mean like that.” You got out and her hand dropped.

“We could hurt you, hurt the babies.” Ashton finally whispered, the determination that you’d seen days before, replaced by uncertainty.

“If you’d have bothered to even try and listen to me last week, you’d have realised that one of you won’t do any damage. The whole fucking point of being your mate and omega is to help you.” You finally snapped and Ashton flinched back.

It felt wrong on every level to see him so, submissive. Even Kaykay had her eyes on the floor and you felt wrong, wrong, wrong.

You were their omega.

“Please, look at me.” The words were a broken whimper and their heads snapped up. And you weren’t entirely sure what changed, but they were both surrounding you, their scent so unique and welcoming as you held onto them both.

“Please I can’t take it. I’ve cried so much. It hurts my soul being like this but all I feel like is just a thing for you to breed and then for you both to turn to each other.” You finally got out, and the realisation of your words hurt you more than you realised, a sob breaking free.

You caught a glimpse of the matching looks of horror on their faces and you felt the guilt begin to eat you up for making them feel like that.

But then Kaykay spoke up.

“Sweetheart, we didn’t realise it was hurting you this much. Oh god I’m so sorry.” Her arms were around you and you barely moved as the both pressed against you, your body relishing in the fact that you were pressed between your Alphas.

Only when you’d calmed down, did they finally move, but it was to bring you back to your own room, Ashton leaving for a moment to retrieve your things.

In those few moments, a side of you was clawing at you to follow him, but you were encased within Kaykay’s arms. So you whined.

“Sweetheart?” Her voice was gentle and soothing.

“Alpha.” You whimpered in return and she understood immediately.

“Ash baby, come back.” Her voice was calm and the second he was back in the room, you settled. “Sweet omega, how did you survive like this?” There was no patronising tone, her curious genuine as Ashton crawled in and pressed against you.

“Survive what?” His voice held confusion and she pressed a kiss to your lips before getting off the bed. Your eyes tracked her as she walked around the room, but the moment she left the room for longer than fifteen seconds, the whines began to escape, fingers digging into the sheets, torn.

She stepped back into view and your body relaxed.

Pushing yourself up, you crawled across the bed to her, kneeing up when you reached the edge of the bed where she stood.

Kaykay smirked.

“Needy little omega. So desperate. We’ve been such piss poor Alphas, making you think you were nothing but something for us to breed. But we need to rectify that. Make sure you know that we want you.” Her voice was husky and you tried to keep your breathing steady.

You were going on your instincts at this point, the desperate need so strong and demanding.

“Please Alpha.”

You could see she was visibly hard, and she glanced over her shoulder to Ashton.

“I can see your worry, but we take our sweet, willing omega one at a time. Make sure they know they’re all we want.” You bit back a moan at her words. The bed shifted and you watched as they both got undressed, Ashton taking the chair in the corner.

She helped you off the bed, undressing you with practised ease, her fingers feeling like fire on your skin.

“Back on the bed little omega. Hands and knees facing your Alpha.” You did as you were told, eyes studying Ashton as his hand moved up and down his cock slowly.

You felt Kaykay press behind you, the bed sinking with her weight. She wasted no time, burying her cock inside of you, a loud moan falling from your lips.

“Needy little omega.” She murmured as her hips began to move and you knew that you weren’t going to last long at all.

Your first orgasm surprised her, pulling a stunned gasp from her lips as your arms trembled from holding you up.

“So desperate for your Alpha’s that you’re barely being fucked and you’re already making a mess. Oh baby we’re gonna have fun with you.” You whined at her words, fingers grasping at the covers.

With one hand on your hips, she leaned forward, her other hand gripping your shoulder and pulling you up against her.

The new position had you seeing stars, head falling back onto her shoulders as she continued to drive into you, her lips playing with her mark on you and you knew she wasn’t too far off.

“Look at your Alpha when I knot you little omega. We may have already bred you but fuck, show him how good this feels.” Her words were much lower, and you couldn’t fight the command, head tilting back towards Ashton as you felt the shift and you moaned.

Your eyes stayed locked with Ashton as you came again, Kaykay’s orgasm following and her teeth sinking into her mark, your body twitching as she held you in place, her breathing heavy.

“So perfect little omega. Are you ready for your Alpha to fill you again?” You gasped, a whine escaping as you felt the knot already in you deflate and Kaykay slid out effortlessly.

“Come sit on your Alphas lap little omega. You’ve been so good for us.” His words were coaxing and you slowly climbed off the bed, legs trembling a little.

Kaykay remained on the bed, her body almost flopping into the bed sheets as her eyes watched you both, Ashton’s arms catching you as you half collapsed into his lap, straddling him as you did.

“So good for us little omega. I promise you we won’t do this again.” His words had a profound effect as you ground against his cock, a whimper leaving your lips as his hands pressed into your hips, lifting you up and your hand gripped his cock, the other grasping his shoulder as he settled you down, a low moan escaping from him in time with another whine from you.

“Alpha.” The word escaped and he shifted the two of you until his hips began to rock against you and you could feel your eyes rolling back as he fucked up into you.

“God I’m so sorry little omega, denying this from you when I should’ve listened.” The words were a low growl, your mind spinning as you felt Kaykay come up behind you, her lips working your neck.

With both of your Alpha’s stimulating you, you knew it wasn’t going to be much longer and Ashton groaned as your body shook and the orgasm hit you, his low moans having a dizzying effect on you.

“Keep cumming sweet omega. Cum on his cock till you’re spent.” Kaykay whispered and you didn’t fight her words as the angle he was driving into you, sent you spiralling once more before he chased his own high, his knot expanding inside of you.

His teeth sank into his own mark, Kaykay’s teeth sinking in a second time and you felt everything in you settle, the care of your Alpha’s driving away any doubts as you all caught your breath.

“I’m so sorry sweetheart.” Ashton finally whispered as he drew back and your lips found his, gentle and soothing compared to the desperate and needy kisses.

“Talk to me. Don’t shut me out. Even Sierra recognised that you doing this to me was both stupid and dangerous.” You whispered in return and he sighed as he pulled out and groaned at the sight between your legs. You smiled gently.

“I know you’re in a rut but both of you look like you haven’t slept.” Ashton pulled you back to the bed, Kaykay having retrieved a cloth to clean between your legs before crawling up your body, dropping a kiss to your lips.

“Then nap time sounds amazing sweetheart.” She whispered, her body settling next to yours. Ashton has discarded the cloth before settling on your other side.

Their scent enveloped you as your mind settled, falling asleep with ease as their hands rested over the small bump.

—

You ended up waking up the following day and despite how tangible your mates scents were, it wasn’t overwhelming and desperate like the last few days had been.

Kaykay’s face was nuzzled into your neck, her breathing slow and heavy. Ashton’s fingers traced light patterns on your barely showing bump, his face pressed into your hair.

“I know you’re awake sweetheart.” His voice was soothing and soft. You hummed in response, unwilling to lodge your mate from her position against you.

Ashton made no further attempt to talk as you just enjoyed the peace of being wedged between them both, your heart and soul seemingly allowing the moment to balm the edges that had appeared over the last few days.

“You really hurt me.” You finally whispered. Ashton’s hand stilled only for a moment before he continued and you took that as a signal to continue talking.

But the words wouldn’t come. Or at least, words that wouldn’t break his heart.

“It felt like my chest was caving in at the thought of you both rejecting me, or even just using me to breed pups and then turn to each other.” The tears were in your eyes, lifting a hand to wipe them away.

Ashton held his silence, knowing you needed to get this off your chest.

“All I could think was that the fans were right and I was nothing to either of you.” This time a sob broke free, and a gentle squeeze from Kaykay alerted you to the fact she was awake.

“We made the wrong judgement without your input, and would have lost you because of it.” Ashton spoke softly, the pain in his voice certainly telling of how much he cared.

“I’m your mate. Your third. I’m carrying both of your pups for fucks sake.”

“And we picked the wrong decision. I know our hormones and emotions were high yesterday, but when I said I was sorry, I meant it sweet omega. You’ve changed us for the better but we’re both headstrong alphas who need you. And we nearly lost you.” Kaykay’s voice was filled with sleep and you could only hold on to her and Ashton’s grip around you got tighter.

“If I had to spend the rest of my life making it up to you, I would. You deserve better than how we treated you.” Ashton’s voice was gentle as you shifted around, wiggling so that you could look at him, a stern look in your eyes.

“I do, but you’re my stubborn alphas who still forget that their omega is not an alpha, no matter how much sass I give you both. I accept your apologies and when I’m not so angry about it all, you know I’ll forgive you. But you have to promise me, both of you promise me that you’ll never do this again.”

“You have my word, little omega.” Ashton didn’t hesitate with his words, and you turned to Kaykay.

“I promise you, sweetheart. It won’t happen ever again.” And you could hear the honesty in their words.

“Good.” You felt petulant but being wrapped up in both of them felt too good for you to want to willingly be away from them.

You knew the bond needed to settle and you were not going to say no to a day with your alphas, especially when they were like this.

Settling into their embrace, Ashton resumed tracing patterns on the bump and your mind followed it slowly before you fell back asleep, murmuring a soft “love both of you.”

if you wanna be on the poly!kayshton taglist, just hmu

@sexgodashton, @loveroflrh, @calumsmermaid, @cashtonasfuck, @sc0ttish-wildfl0wer, @iovehemmings, @wokeupinjapanisabop, @converse-luke, @itjustkindahappenedreally, @tobefalling, @cal-puddies, @hemmingsmendess, @queer-5sos, @pinkbubbles-and-bigtroubles,

#poly!kayshton #poly!kayshton blurb #poly!kayshton fic #poly!kayshton x reader #ashton irwin blurb #ashton irwin blurbs #ashton irwin fic #ashton irwin fics #poly!kayshton smut #ashton irwin smut #abo!sos #alpha!ash #alpha!kaykay #my writing

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return-of-a-space-cowboy · 4 years

Note

If not to late and if you do poly.. Sleeping beauty with yan! Massimo as the prince and yan! Angelica as the “Evil” Fairy keeping their princess! S/o trapped. If you don’t do poly... beauty and beast with Yan! Dino! Diego Brando and his S/o. YOU ALWATS MAKE ME SMile FRIEND

Aww shucks I'm glad to make you smile

I'll probably end up doing the Diego request because honestly I need some more steel ball run in my life but here it is! PS I know I kinda made Volpe a bit unresponsive but I kinda see him as that shut off kind of person.

Our lover

(yandere Volpe and Angelica)

You were lost, very lost. Stuck in the middle of the forest with no clue as to how to get out but just as you felt your loneliness seep in a soft hum echoed through the forest, a tune being hummed that caused the flowers to bloom.

You followed the tune which lead you to a clearing where a lone woman sat in the middle while humming only to stop when she had noticed your arrival. She was pale like a ghost and had wispy blonde hair.

"Who are you?" You asked her.

"My name is Angelica" the woman spoke in a ghostly voice as a few small flowers formed around her. You were just about to respond when you suddenly felt light headed, you began to stumble and you began to slur until you fell to the ground.

In the light you could now see the pollen that danced around in the gentle breeze.

"It must be your first time in these woods, don't worry the initial shock will only be for a few minutes" she lulled with a chuckle as she staggered towards you before sitting by your side and stroking your hair. You moaned out lightly as her contact seemed to make your hairs stand on end.

"Anyway, what's your name?" She asked.

"(Y/n)... (Y/n)... (L/n)" you mumbled, not understanding what was happening.

"Your a princess, I've heard so much about you... Your actually more beautiful then I imagined" the girl remarked before she looked up to see a man tall, thin with long, flowing hair, you knew him but all your memories were in a haze as of current.

"Massimo! Oh how I've missed you!" She shrieked in excitement as she ran up to the man before tripping over, luckily Massimo was able to catch her.

"Angelica dear... You need to be more careful" he lightly scolded.

"I know, but I was so excited to see you and we have a guest" Angelica explained as she pointed to you.

"Angelica... You can't trust every person you meet" he explained.

"But it's Princess (Y/n), you've met her before, you told me you had" she piped up.

That's when the memories finally became clear. He had been a early suitor you had met a year ago. You had met a few times but he seemed to not have much interest in you.

"Massimo Volpe... It's been a while since I last saw you" you groaned out.

"Yes it has" he said in a stern tone.

"Angelica what's causing these strange feelings?" You groaned out as you felt your body tingle.

"The flowers here are used as a hallucinogen... The pollen is rather mild but is still a surprise for any unsuspecting wonderer" she explained with a giggle before coming back over to you and resting your head on her lap. She began to brush through your hair, she treated you almost like how a child treated a beloved doll.

"Your hair is so soft and beautiful..." She lulled as she began to play with it. Volpe simply watched, his first impression of you hadn't been the best but if Angelica enjoyed your company then you must of been alright maybe in the future he'd get to know you better but for now he'd just watch.

🌺🌺🌺

Months had passed since then and you had grown close to Angelica as well as her lover Massimo. You would return to the woods when you could to visit the two.

Today you came with a basket of food, which excited Angelica to the point that she'd coughed up blood, you had sadly gotten use to such a thing after learning about the fairy's illness.

"Angelica you can't keep working yourself up like that" he said to her with concern laced in his tone.

"It's fine... It's nothing" she responded as Volpe quickly wiped the blood off of her face.

"You worry to much" she said as she looked into his eyes before pushing the corners of his lips up to make him smile but he pushed her hands away, he was obviously in a angsty mood at the moment.

You put down the picnic rug and sat down with the two soon following.

"So how've you been?" Angelica asked.

"I've been alright but all of this suitor business has honestly been a big pain" you said.

"As a matter of fact last night my last suitor had some horrible luck, he wanted me to believe he had a way with animals so he had stuffed catnip into his pockets, the cats were practically tearing his clothes apart" you explained before laughing like crazy, Angelica followed but soon stopped when she heard a chuckle pass Massimo's lips.

"You laughed!" she gasped.

"(Y/n) you just made Massimo laugh" she said to you in suprise.

"What's special about that?" You asked.

"I've never heard him laugh before" she explained. He merely rolled his eyes as Angelica made such a deal of it.

"Anyway I think I have a solution about this suitor problem you've had for the past few months" Angelica said before grabbing a muffin from the basket and taking a bite from it.

"Umm you really don't have to get yourself caught up in my problems" you replied.

"No, it's fine" she said.

"Anyway my idea was that you could choose to marry Massimo, he's a prince after all" she explained.

You stumbled over your words in shock, you were absolutely flabbergasted by her idea.

"But Angelica... You're his lover and I don't want to burden him with having to act like he loves me" you replied. Angelica simply looked back at Massimo before looking back at you.

"But he does love you... And so do I" she explained as she leaned forward to caress your face. You only fell back in shock and looked toward the male.

"Ugh I'm sorry this is very sudden!" You replied as you pulled away.

"I know but you'll get use to it" she said as she leaned forward more.

"No, I can't... This isn't normal" you explained to her as Volpe grabbed you.

"Let go of me!" You screamed.

"No" they both replied in union before you kicked Volpe's shin causing him to drop you and you didn't waste a moment to run. Angelica began to wail out your name and sob as you disappeared from view. There was no way she'd be able to chase her.

"We need to get her back!" She screamed at the top of her lungs as she pounded and kicked the floor like a spoilt brat having a tantrum. Massimo kneeled beside her and stroked her long blonde hair trying to calm her the best he could.

"It's ok Angelica... I know how we can get her back" he said which made the weeping fairy look up at him.

"How?"

🌺🌺🌺

You sat beside the man who tomorrow would be you husband. Various royals had come tonight to wish you both well in the future and offer you gifts. You all sat at he long table drinking a tea that had been anonymously gifted when you heard the ring of someone tapping a spoon against the cup and out of all the guests Massimo Volpe stood. You knew that he had come, all the royals had but you just hoped he wouldn't say anything to brash.

"I would just like to say on behalf of us all princess (Y/n) that we wish nothing but the best for your future..." He said.

You looked down at your tea cup to see something strange in the bottom of your tea cup. You picked it out to find a small open vial. Your vision soon began to double. You stood up, wobbling slightly.

"(Y/n) are you alright?" Your partner asked.

"Something isn't right... My drink... It's been spiked" you slurred.

Soon everyone went into panic but not because of you, they all were seeing and hearing thing that made them go into frenzy. The only one who wasn't affected was Massimo and the familiar blonde who had walked to his side.

"(Y/n) is now cursed... Any moment now and she will fall into an eternal slumber, it is a curse that no one will be able to break" Angelica explained and those were the last words you heard before your world came crashing around you and you fell into the inky blackness.

Everyone ran out of the castle in a hallucinogen fuelled hysteria as it became shrouded in overgrowth that grew from the little seeds that Angelica had planted around the castle. They all came spread to the ends of the earth with stories to tell of terrifying monsters of various kinds and a sleeping princess. Most enough to keep all from ever considering of saving you.

But there were no monsters nor was your sleep eternal. Angelica lied about the curse, like you had said before your drink had been spiked. It was simply a trick.

Soon you would come to and both the fairy and the Prince would be waiting. That would be their happily ever after, but not yours.

Angelica draping over your body as she twirled your hair. Giving you constant compliments as Massimo kissed your lips, he didn't usually show his emotions but deep inside he was as head over heels with you as he was with Angelica.

#yandere #yandere jjba #purple haze feedback #jojo Angelica #massimo volpe #yandere x reader #fairytale au #spacy works

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madisonsclarks · 7 years

Text

Calling it Hope

Summary: Abby misses Marcus after returning from Polis, so she seeks comfort in his room, his trinkets, his clothes. Of course, because she’s back in Arkadia, nothing is ever really private...and she learns some news that changes everything for her and the man she loves.

(Translated, my Abby/Raven brotp feelings got away from me and I cried three times while writing this and it’ll probably have another chapter).

Everything looked like him, smelled like him, felt like him.

From the trinkets on his bedside table to the paintings on the wall, Abby could practically sense Marcus Kane in the room. She could see him sitting in the chair at his small metal table poring over maps of the surrounding area, laying in bed reading one of the numerous books from his amassed quantity on his bookshelf, gently hanging his guard jacket on the hook on the back of the door.

He was everywhere and nowhere, with her and in Polis.

Some logical part of her knew it was silly, girlish even, to come wandering into his room in the middle of the night when she couldn’t sleep. What was she, a lovesick teenager? She’d only returned from Polis that morning, could still taste their goodbye kiss on her tongue. His “may we meet again” still echoed in her heart, her head, written into her pulse. A few hours was by no means enough to stir the deepest depths of absence-induced longing in her heart, but it was enough to make her uncomfortable: enough to drive her thoughts back along the path she’d travelled and up into their room in the tower.

What was he doing right now? Had Roan fought and won? Was the alliance still intact? And if it wasn’t, had he, Octavia, and Indra gotten out of the city safely?

Again, logic: there was little merit in giving weight to unfounded questions and doubts. But with Luna’s arrival – and illness – it had been a chaotic day, and Abby had quickly begun tiring of reining in her wayward brain. Her exhaustion pushed her doubts into a downward spiral, and a constant, nagging churning in her stomach hadn’t subsided since she heard the Polis gates close behind her. It had become increasingly difficult to force herself to remain sensible where Marcus Kane was concerned.

Such ruminations would be typical of the kids – of Monty and Harper, maybe, whom she’d just learned were in a relationship – but she was a grown woman, well past having learned how to cope with the absence of the man she loved. She constantly reminded herself that Marcus was fine, that this was by no means the first time they’d been separated, that they’d been parted during far more strenuous times in the past. All things considered, this separation should have given her less cause to worry than the others.

And yet, when she woke from a hellacious City of Light flashback of a nightmare, there was only one person she wanted to see. One man whose arms she wished were around her, one voice she wanted to hear soothing her as she briefly struggled to see through the hazy mirage of dreams. But her bed was empty, the sheets around her cold with his absence, her skin cool without the warmth of him beside her. As she took a seat in one of the cold metal chairs at his table and rested her elbows on the surface – then her head in her hands – she took deep breaths and tried to shove the tears searing at the corners of her eyes into submission.

It may have been late – later than almost anyone else in Arkadia would be awake – but she’d left the door open out of an informal self-reassurance. She couldn’t give into this now: not when they’d only been separated for less than a day. She just needed to be here, she told herself, for a few minutes. To feel him for long enough to calm her racing heartbeat, to absorb the remnants of his smile and laughter that remained in those stationary objects. Being here was like sitting in the sunlight; she felt safe, warm, hopeful.

When she was here, she was with Marcus.

Lifting her head from her hands and brushing a few strands of hair out of her eyes, she glanced around the room and saw something familiar: his guard jacket. He hadn’t hung it on the back of the door as he typically did (even before they were together, months of holding informal meetings in his room made her privy to his habits), instead, it was neatly folded on his bed. Her feet moved before her brain could fire to stop them, and she quietly pushed in his chair to walk over to the bed.

At first she was torn, merit on both sides of her dilemma: whether to pick up the garment or leave it there. She guessed someone had left it for him to find when he returned, given the precision in the fold and the careful placement on his bed, but it was also one of his most well-worn items. If anything could give her even the tiniest moment of inner peace, his jacket would do it.

So she reached out and picked it up, letting the open air unfold it before her.

The last time she’d seen him wear it had been weeks – only weeks? – ago, just before Pike relieved him of his command. It hadn’t changed much since then, the Skaikru patch on the arm missing from his trade with the grounder woman in Polis (when Polis had been a city of sunshine instead of bloodshed). It was almost impossible to believe how much had changed since then – both how far the world around them had fallen and how close they’d become.

She breathed in, and the scent was his: soft, slightly sweet, the smell of earth after a rainstorm. Comforting, quiet, calm. Peaceful. Hopeful. Something inside her fixed itself after her deep inhale, and the vise around her lungs relaxed. Those images – images of a scalpel and her hand and her daughter, images of a rope around her neck, images of a cross and him and a hammer – melted away, leaving her with only tranquility. As long as she had his jacket, he was never far away. Her chest expanded again as she repeated the process, intoxicated off the scent of him, tempted to take the jacket back to her quarters. Just in case.

“I thought I might find you here,” a voice declared from the doorway, and Abby jumped. Her eyelids snapped open and she lowered the jacket to her side, still unwilling to let go of it. She followed the sound to the doorway and…

“Raven?” she said, incredulous. Her room was on the other side of Arkadia, not to mention that she’d been relieved of her command more than two hours ago so she could get some sleep. If there had been a list of people she thought that voice might belong to, Raven Reyes would have been at the bottom of the list. And yet here she stood, clad in her simple red shirt and cargo pants: she hadn’t even changed into pajamas. Something was wrong, and Abby felt a sharp need to determine what it was.

“Are you all right?” she asked, gaze trailing toward the girl’s leg. There were still complications that needed to be solved, now that the City of Light had returned her pain to her. It wasn’t too far-fetched to believe her leg had prevented her from getting some much-needed rest.

Thankfully, Raven shook her head. She leaned against the doorway, arms crossed, ponytail swishing at the gentle motion.

“I’m fine, Abby,” she said, keeping her voice low. “Just couldn’t sleep. Decided to go for a walk.”

Abby nodded. “And you looked in here and saw…”

“Well, it was better than walking in on Monty and Harper,” she said, aiming a wry smile Abby’s way. “If the worst I’m gonna have to deal with is walking in on you holding your boyfriend’s jacket, I can handle it.”

Abby laughed, though a slight flush accompanied the sound. Memories of their time in Polis flooded back at Raven’s insinuation, and…if she’d been there, there were much worse things Raven Reyes could have walked in on.

“Next time I’ll close the door,” Abby said, earning a laugh from her companion. “Just to be safe.”

“Yeah, I’m more worried about what happens when Kane gets back,” Raven said, taking a few steps into the room. She leaned against the side of Marcus’ table, her hip pressing against the metal edge. “These walls aren’t soundproof. If it wasn’t for the end of the world, I would get working on that.”

Her fingers tightened around the worn material, skin tingling with the ghost of kisses past. There was an element of truth in Raven’s words, as loath as she was to admit it: when Marcus came back, they wouldn’t be in their own private room in Polis. They’d be in the heart of Arkadia, with nosy teenagers and confused civilians meandering around during all hours of the day and night. But nine days of languid indulgence had been something, at least. Now memories to cherish.

“If it wasn’t the end of the world, we would all be working on different things,” Abby said, joining her on the other side of the table. Her presence seemed to make Raven keen on sitting, and, by some unspoken agreement, they both took seats on opposite sides of the table.

“It’s always the end of the world,” Raven remarked. “Only thing that changes is the timeline. This time we’ve got six months until certain death.”

There was a dark edge to her tone that tripped something in Abby’s senses: something that reminded her of Clarke. Of the burdens she’d carried. Without Sinclair Raven was the head of Engineering, and at the lateness of the hour her composure was starting to slip. There was no hiding it – Raven was exhausted.

“How are you?” Abby asked, her tone conveying the depth of her concern. “Really, Raven. If something’s wrong, you can tell me.”

“Hey, I’m not the one standing in the middle of my boyfriend’s room getting high off his jacket.”

Abby resisted the urge to roll her eyes. As much as she loved Raven…

“You miss him,” the girl added, and the urge evaporated. Struck by the change in her tone – from joking to genuine emotion – she had to take a few moments before responding.

“Yes,” she said. One word was enough.

“I didn’t have to ask,” Raven said. “It was pretty obvious.”

Suddenly, Abby put two and two together to arrive at a four that never should have added up.

“You called him my ‘boyfriend,’” she said, wincing a little internally at the rusty word. Marcus was many things, but he meant more to her than such a feeble term. ‘Soulmate,’ she thought, or ‘hope,’ fit closer. “How did you know we were together? Did Clarke tell you?”

“Nah,” Raven said. “She wouldn’t talk about it unless she knew you guys were okay with going public. Everything I know, I learned from ALIE.”

Abby raised her eyebrows, and Raven elaborated.

“She kinda…upgraded me. So I know more about computers, but she gave me info about the people she had in the City of Light, too. So I knew about you and Kane.”

“Oh,” Abby said, uncertain what else there was to say. Not that she minded Raven knowing – once Marcus returned, the truth would come out anyway – but it would have been nice if they’d been able to choose when and how.

“I haven’t told anyone, if that’s what you’re worried about,” Raven said, reading her. “But for the record, I’m pretty sure seventy-five percent of Arkadia thought you guys were already together when he left.”

Thinking back, Abby could understand the assertion. Marcus had rarely left her side during the three months when Clarke had been gone. And although nothing had happened, the constant association was all it took to get people talking – to get rumors flying. Fortunately, she’d always been too busy to hear them.

But was it fortunate? What if she had heard something, all those months ago? What if she’d come to Marcus with it then, instead of waiting until the hour of his execution to realize the depth of her feelings? To feel the weight of all the things she thought she’d never be able to say? If she’d talked to him then, could their six months have been eight? Seven? Nine?

She felt the weight of his jacket in her lap and swallowed hard.

“I can understand why people might have…” she stopped, trailing off. Raven gave her a soft smile. “We spent a lot of time together. But until Pike, nothing happened.”

Raven nodded, understanding the reference was as much to clarify anything that might wind its way back to Clarke as it was for her own understanding. “For whatever it’s worth, everyone I talked to about it wanted you guys to happen,” she said. “Sinclair was this close to pretending there was an emergency as an excuse to lock you guys in a closet together.”

Her smile took on a quiet wistfulness, a soft grief.

“He’d be proud of you, Raven,” Abby said, reaching across the table to slide her hand overtop of the mechanic’s. “You’re doing so much to help. People look up to you.”

Raven shifted her hand slightly, turning it so she could hold Abby’s in return.

“He could have done better,” she said. “He could have figured this out.”

It might have been the low lighting – the feathery beams of white that drifted in from the hallway, highlighting her tanned skin in patchy lines – but Abby thought she glimpsed tears in the girl’s eyes.

“And you’re going to figure it out, too,” she said, giving her hand a reassuring squeeze. “I know it.”

“Thanks,” Raven said, somber.

They sat in silence for a few minutes, listening to the gentle hum of generators and the white noise of the flickering lights. Then, without prompt, Raven shattered the quiet.

“Bellamy put his jacket back,” she said. “He found it a few days ago. Guess he wanted Kane to be surprised when he got home.”

Instinctively, Abby’s fingers froze on the material. Taking it back to her room with her was out of the question, then: the last thing she wanted was to step on something Bellamy Blake had carefully planned. While he and Marcus weren’t blood-related, they might as well have been. And the present of his guard jacket, returned to him by the boy he all but considered his son…she wouldn’t deprive him of that.

“I’ll leave it on his bed, then,” Abby said, stomach sinking as she realized she’d be parted with the thing that felt most like him. “It was nice of Bellamy to give it back.”

“Yeah, well, he still feels shitty about everything that happened with Pike,” Raven said, as though her words were self-explanatory. To some extent they were – although over a week of time spent in Polis had blurred the memory around the edges, she remembered Marcus’ speech to the boy just before he and Clarke left. You turn the page. You don’t look back. “He wants to make up for it however he can. The jacket wasn’t a bad place to start.”

“No, it wasn’t,” Abby agreed, remembering how heartbroken Marcus had been when Pike “relieved him of his command.” When he came back to Arkadia and found the jacket in his room, he’d be overjoyed. And right now, they could all stand to find some joy in their lives. “But he doesn’t have to atone for anything, Raven,” she added. “I don’t think Marcus ever thought there was something to forgive. He might not have agreed with his choices, but he knew Bellamy would come through.”

Raven shrugged, her delicate shoulders moving in the dim light. “Hey, tell that to him,” she said. “I already know Kane’s basically his dad.”

In spite of herself, the deep melancholy she’d been feeling, Abby couldn’t stop a laugh from bubbling up her throat and past her lips.

“Is that common knowledge?”

“Pretty much. Then again, I guess you guys kind of adopted all of us.”

Her smile turned soft, her head tilted a fraction. To some extent, Raven was right – she’d become close with all the kids, not just Clarke. And who else did they have, really? Other than Nathan, who still had his dad, the rest of them were orphans. She’d never really thought about it, but…

“Are you saying we’re your parents?” Abby asked, both amused and curious.

“I’m saying you might as well be,” she said. “You both act like it. You’re good at it. And…that wasn’t a luxury all of us had on the Ark, you know?”

Abby’s gaze dropped to the airbrushed steel of the table, picking out the scratches and dents that evidenced years of use. She still had her doubts about whether or not her parenting qualified as “good,” but thankfully she and Clarke had laid the past to rest. The subject of Jake and her wedding rings hadn’t yet come up – they’d been too busy with Luna to have a moment for themselves – but the discussion was coming, and she hoped her daughter would understand. After all, she planned to give the rings to her.

“Raven,” Abby said, her voice soft as she remembered the girl’s situation on the Ark. Finn’s all I have left. “Anytime you need someone to-“

“I was talking about Murphy,” she said, evaporating the emotion in the room with one word. “Dude had a screwed up childhood.”

Her tone was a little too light, her smile a little too forced, and Abby knew there had been truth in her statement. That despite Murphy’s less-than-pleasant family life, Raven’s growing up in space hadn’t been carefree, either. And their reunion – the way she hugged her when she walked through the Arkadia gates and thanked Abby for saving her life – evidenced more than Raven would ever admit aloud.

If Raven wanted a mother figure, Abby would be proud to serve that role. Warmth expanding in her chest, Abby stared at her from across the table and let her gaze speak for her: she didn’t trust her voice to remain steadfast.

“I used to stay in Finn’s room after he was sent to the Skybox,” Raven said after a beat, changing the subject. “His parents didn’t know he took the fall for me, so they just let me in. I mean, to them I was just his girlfriend. And we all missed him. As shitty as I felt about everything…it made me feel close to him. It helped.”

Abby nodded, remembering the boy Raven had loved. There was now bare skin where his necklace used to lay, but Abby knew better than anyone that the absence of a memento didn’t mean absence in one’s heart.

“My point is, you’re not stupid for wanting to be close to Kane,” Raven said. “Even though he’s gone. You love him. If you want to sleep in his room and hold his clothes, no one’s gonna judge you. We’ve all been through hell. We’re going through hell. If this is what makes it a little better for you, you should do it.”

Abby, stunned, could only give her a nod. How had she known exactly what she was thinking, what she was feeling? Had it been so easy to tell? Could everyone have known her feelings for Marcus before she knew them herself?

She opened her mouth to say something – anything – but the girl cut her off by standing abruptly from her chair. The noise of metal on metal was louder than she’d intended, and her full lips twisted into a grimace when they heard the sound echoing down the hallway.

“Right,” Raven said after an awkward pause. “Anyway. I’m gonna go nag Bellamy to get some sleep. I get that he has nightmares, but at some point we’ve all gotta suck it up. Face our demons.”

Abby sensed the declaration was more for her own benefit that Bellamy’s, but she stood to say her last goodbye for the night. She wound her way around the table, left Marcus’ jacket on the surface, placed both hands on the young girl’s shoulders.

“If you ever want to talk about anything,” she said, “I’m here, Raven. Always.”

For a moment Raven stayed quiet, regarding her in the yellow halo of light from the rest of the station, her brown eyes unreadable. Then, as if on an impulse, Raven leaned forward and gathered her close in a tight hug.

Taken by surprise, Abby gently wrapped her arms around the girl and held her back just as tightly. While Raven wasn’t given to public displays of affection – the simple fact that she’d gotten a hug in front of everyone upon her return was enough to leave Abby shocked and in awe – she wondered if the knowledge of the impending doomsday was changing that aspect of her personality.

Or maybe, she thought, the girl just wanted to give her a hug.

“I’m really happy you’re okay,” Raven whispered, her voice shaking with the ghost of a computer program of which she’d never be free, trembling with gratitude. Abby ran her fingers gently up and down her back, remembering how Clarke used to find it comforting when she cried.

“I’m happy you’re okay, too.”

The embrace lasted only a few seconds longer – apparently, Raven wasn’t that comfortable with prolonged displays of emotion – and when she stepped away her expression held an air of slight embarrassment. But Abby, her heart soaring and breaking and aching all at once, realized the simple contact had mended something broken inside her. That after that, tonight, she might yet be able to get some sleep.

“I’d better see you leaving this room tomorrow morning,” Raven said, accompanying her vague threat with a dazzling smile. “’Cause I’m not gonna deal with you moping around tomorrow and sighing about how much you miss your boyfriend.”

Abby smiled. “I haven’t been moping, Raven. And I’ve never sighed about Marcus.”

“Yeah, okay,” she said, playfully sarcastic, aiming a wink her way as she turned to leave. “Whatever you say, Abby.”

But despite her misgivings, Abby Griffin fell asleep that night in Marcus Kane’s bed, inhaling his scent off linen sheets, fingers curled around one of his old t-shirts.

Even just the ghost of him was strong enough to keep the nightmares at bay.

***

TWO WEEKS LATER

Curled in the warmth of him – or rather, the warmth of his bed – Abby barely heard the knocking at the door until it threatened to awaken all of Arkadia. Confused, shaking the cobwebs of sleep from her slowly-awakening mind, she wondered why Marcus’ alarm clock hadn’t gone off. Usually she rose of her own accord early in the morning, was one of the first people in their camp with her feet on the ground to start the day. But John Murphy had been given express instructions to wake her if she hadn’t risen before 8 o’clock, which meant…

Bang! Bang! Bang!

John’s voice sounded tinny through the door, faint and almost unintelligible. “Yo, Abby, rise and shine! It’s almost noon! Jackson needs you in Medical.”

Noon?

Abby couldn’t remember the last time she’d slept so late. Even on the Ark, the latest she’d managed to sleep had been eight or nine – noon was unheard of. Although she was still tired from her journey to Becca’s lab, which had been a treasure trove of information they sorely needed, she had been back for a day and a half. The exhaustion should have worn off by now.

Searching for a lie in her assistant’s words, Abby sought out the glowing face of Marcus’ alarm clock: it lay on his dresser next to a walkie talkie, which kept her in contact with him throughout the past few days. When she found it, she paled.

Not only was it noon – John was telling the truth – but the screen was flashing. His alarm had done its job. It had gone off at seven-thirty as it always had…but she had slept through it. She had slept through him radioing her at ten, too, a thought that swept hot currents of shame through her whole being.

Abby Griffin never slept through alarms, and she certainly never slept half the day away. With a pit in her stomach, she realized something must have gone wrong.

Taking a deep breath, she summoned her courage and answered John.

“I’m awake,” she said, sitting up and raising her voice as loud as she could despite her growing concern. “Tell Jackson I’m sorry. I’ll be there in ten minutes.”

Opening her mouth seemed to have jump-started some kind of reaction inside her, and her stomach began to churn with more than just shame. Dizzy, she clutched the worn velvet of his comforter and swallowed hard, breathing deeply, colliding with a wave of unexpected nausea.

“Okay,” John responded, oblivious to her struggle.

Abby waited to hear the sound of his footsteps carrying him away from her thundering down the hall, then leaned over the side of his bed and vomited every morsel of last night’s dinner into the trash can.

The sound of the glop hitting steel was enough to stimulate her gag reflex even further, and she retched until her stomach was completely empty. Even then, after the deed was done, she ached.

Left alone, trembling, Abby took a moment to rest her head in her hands. She’d graduated to wearing one of his shirts while she slept – she was already sleeping in his room, she thought she might as well go all the way if she were going to do it – and right now, she was thankful for the softness of the fabric that brushed against her back, her arms, her torso. Without him here, it was the closest she could come to his embrace.

Something’s wrong, she thought, wishing she could say those words to him instead of his shirt. And I don’t know what it is.

Her mind offered her an explanation she didn’t want to hear, so she did her best to drown it out. Nonetheless, she was a doctor and it insisted on making itself heard.

Radiation. It’s radiation poisoning.

And if it was radiation poisoning – probably a side effect from going into that lab, although they’d tested the air and thought it was clear – there was a limit to what could be done for her. Unlike Luna, who had healed from the effects, Abby’s blood wouldn’t help her in this fight. There was a reason Luna had been the sole survivor from her clan, and she knew if this was anything similar, she might not even have six months. In all likelihood, her time would be less.

As much as she loved his penchant for diplomacy, his ever-insistent driving desire for peace, she needed Marcus more than ever. Though she knew he was needed in Polis, Roan respected him and his ability to maintain stability between the clans, Indra was keeping him safe…right now, she felt like curling into a ball inside his oversized gray t-shirt and sobbing.

She needed him, and she needed him now.

The coolness of his floor seemed to knock her off-balance, and her stomach flipped again. There was nothing left for it to expunge, but it tried anyway, leaving her gagging on open air.

After five minutes or so the nausea subsided and she was able to dress, leaving her with only her racing heart and a keen sense of dread. How long had it taken since Luna first got sick for her to be almost bested by the disease? A week? Two? Could she only have a week left with Clarke, Raven, the rest of the kids?

Could she only have a week left with him?

Fighting to keep herself calm, she reminded her spiraling thoughts that nothing had been proven yet. For every worry of radiation sickness, there was a common flu. The irony of getting sick with a regular disease when the world was sickening with a nuclear meltdown was not lost on her, and she managed a sad little smile as she opened and closed his door behind her.

She could practically hear John’s sarcasm: “The end of the world, and Doctor Griffin comes down with the flu.”

***

“It’s not the flu, Abby,” Jackson said, his voice gentle. It was the very end of the day – practically night – and he’d just received the results of her blood sample he’d taken earlier in the day. Mentally, she prepared for the worst.

“You should have me isolated,” she said, steeling her nerves. “We don’t know how contagious this is. Luna wasn’t, but it could be a new strain-“

“Abby, you’re not sick,” Jackson said. “It’s not radiation poisoning.”

His tone grew even softer, and she frowned. If it wasn’t the flu, and it wasn’t radiation, then what…

“If the results are right,” Jackson said, reaching out to hold her hand as she stood before him in the flickering lights of the Med Bay, “you have elevated levels of hcG. Which would mean, in theory, that you’re…”

He stopped, as if waiting for her to say the word.

“Pregnant,” she finished for him, dropping his hand, her lips forming the words as the rest of her body went numb.

It was impossible.

There was no way for her to have gotten pregnant with her contraceptive implant still in place, not to mention the unlikelihood of conception after the age of forty. She’d rarely known the implants to fail – after all, they were built with the express purpose of maintaining the Ark’s population, and the Ark was nothing if not precise. In over twenty years as a doctor, she’d only had one patient with that problem.

It was impossible.

“Jackson,” she stammered softly, feeling as though every ounce of breath had been stolen from her lungs, “how confident are you that…” she trailed off, knew he could guess the rest of her sentence.

He nodded, chin dipping slowly. “I can show you the results, if you want. But the numbers…they don’t lie.”

It was impossible.

If there was one thing she learned in her years as a doctor, numbers didn’t lie. They were dispassionate, unemotional, detached. They gave information no matter the emotional impact, no matter the detonator they set off when they were analyzed. Numbers had never lied to her.

But at the same time…it was an explanation. She’d felt queasy at times during her trip to Becca’s lab, but had explained it away as changes in radiation levels. Then, when she threw up this morning, she thought it could be the flu. Admittedly, both of those signs were symptoms of something else. She just hadn’t thought…

“How could this happen?” she asked, leaning against a cot for support. There was a ringing in her ears that hadn’t gone away since she’d said the word, her stomach churned, and her legs threatened to give out at any moment. “I haven’t had my implant removed.”

Jackson bit his lower lip. “I’m as confused as you are,” he said. “It looks like the implant failed. It’s rare, but when they were issued…it was a possibility.”

“A 0.01 percent chance,” Abby corrected him, tucking a strand of brown hair behind her ear and out of her eyes. “In medical terms, it’s next-to-nothing. Less than a rarity.”

“I know,” he admitted. “But did you…in Polis…I don’t mean to pry, Abby, but medically speaking, I need to know.”

She stared down at the ground, feeling a sob welling up inside her chest.

“Yes,” she said to the tiles. “We did.”

Repeatedly, she thought. If it had just been once, she would have had more cause to be skeptical of Jackson’s test results. But they’d treated those nine days like a honeymoon, because for all intents and purposes, that was what they were. It was the closest to peaceful bliss they’d ever come. It was their eye in the storm and they’d made that tiny room into a castle, a fortress that kept the rest of the world and its problems out while they fell deeper and deeper into emotional and physical intimacy. For those nine days it had just been her and him, exploring each other, finally consummating the thing that had gone unspoken between them for so long.

She’d been confident it wouldn’t happen, because it couldn’t happen. So they hadn’t exactly taken precautions. They hadn’t been careful. With her implant, why would they need to be? Her love for him was stronger than any unfounded concern in the back of her head, and by then…at the moment they would have had to make that decision, she wanted to be as close to him as she could. Needless to say, a pregnancy had been the last thing on their minds.

“Oh,” Jackson said, quiet. “Then Abby, I don’t think – unless you really want me to run more tests, but the results were conclusive.”

“I understand,” she said. The room was spinning around her, and up was down and down was up and somehow impossible things could happen now, because she’d ended up pregnant with an implant expressly designed to prevent that from happening. “We can’t use any more of our resources. What’s done is done.”

Jackson nodded, swallowed hard. “You need to take it easy,” he said. “You can’t go on any more missions. From now on, you need to stay inside Arkadia where there’s medical equipment and we can be sure you’re eating well. Even though you’re only a few weeks in, we need to start taking precautions.“

Abby didn’t bother stating the obvious.

None of it – their precautions, her resting, eating well – would matter if they couldn’t figure out a way to stave off the impending nuclear doom. That thought, that singular realization, hit her like a punch in the chest.

Marcus might never meet his child.

“I’m going to help in every way I can,” Abby said, giving Jackson the determined glare she’d perfected over months of working with him on the Ark. He opened his mouth, prepared to contradict her, but she persisted. “I understand the limitations of pregnancy, Jackson. But I’m not going to stop working because of it. Please don’t ask that of me.”

In fact, she’d continue working because of it.

Their child, growing inside her, deserved to see the world. They deserved to breathe the air on the ground, to hear the sounds of the birds chirping in the trees, to feel a warm summer breeze on their skin. They deserved to stand outside in a rainstorm and feel the icy droplets of rain on their skin. Earth was something both she and Marcus had never thought they’d see, and their child deserved to live on it. Her heart was soaring, racing, slamming against her ribcage at the thought of their child - her child - and the life she desperately wanted to give them.

Their child would live on the ground.

“I won’t,” Jackson said, seemingly understanding her strengthened resolve. After a few moments, he asked the question she’d been dreading, a question she didn’t know how to answer or what to answer it with.

“Are you going to tell Kane?”

Not while he’s in Polis. This was in-person news, face-to-face news. She needed to be able to see him when he learned he was going to be a father, register whether or not this revelation was welcome. Though she doubted he’d be upset – if anyone wished they’d been a father earlier in life, it was him – she hoped he’d be allowed to come home soon. This wasn’t news she wanted to sit with for another week.

“When he gets back,” she said, wondering how the hell she’d act like she was fine during their conversation tonight. He had a keen ability to tell when something was wrong with her: a sixth sense, as it were. It would take all her effort to put on a happy, normal façade and pretend nothing was amiss, and even then he might see through it. “I’m not telling him over a radio.”

Jackson surprised her by smiling, a soft, sweet expression he reserved for quiet moments and great triumphs.

“I’m sure he’ll be happy about it,” he said, “considering how much he loves the kids.”

Then it was Abby’s turn to smile. There was no doubt in her mind that he’d be an excellent father: he’d had so much practice already. Under normal circumstances, she would have been nervous – but elated – to tell him. But now, with the end of the world barreling down on them, she hoped the news wouldn’t bring him more heartbreak than happiness.

And yet, despite it all, there was one emotion she felt stronger than the rest, one emotion that overpowered all her doubt: hope.

“I’m sure he will, too.”

#kabby #marcus kane #abby griffin #emily writes #MY EMOTIONS GOT THE BEST OF ME AND THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED #I'd apologize but I'm not sorry

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woke-ing-ya-terves · 5 years

Text

These are all confessions

I've been friends with a trans woman since my second year of high school. There was a lot of weird tension before he "came out" because he obviously had a crush on me, which was fine with me even though I wasn't attracted to him. I was honest about it early on, i cared about him as a friend and knew that crushes in high school changed with the tides, so I expressed that and gave him the opportunity to discontinue the friendship if it made him uncomfortable. He chose to remain friends.

Two months later, days after his and my mutual friend (let's call him K) came out as gay, he came out to me as trans. I was deeply closeted, and therefore deeply excited to have friends who were seemingly on the same page. Me and T were inseparable there for a while, doing "girl things" he had never done before. But there was always something about him that made me uneasy. He would always walk in on me unexpectedly when it was more likely that I was changing clothes, and constantly saying that I "Didn't have to feel sexually repressed" around him. He only dated women, stating the reason was that he was pan but men were scary as they might kill him, meanwhile all the girls he dated clearly had a lot of problems with mental illness; lots of stuff that was clear to me as an abuse victim to be signs of abuse and therefore susceptibility to further partner abuse. They were younger than him, and he was mostly secretive while simultaneously broadcasting only things they did to make them seem like bad partners. (Usually along the lines of alleged transphobia) but when I'd get to spend any amount of time around them as a couple, he would dominate the conversation or just be rude to her and bully her. And this was the same pattern with multiple young women.

Eventually, he also "came out" as poly, which I've never been comfortable with as a community despite the constant pressure from my post-high school friend group. (There was a lot of suggesting I was a bigot, even though I only ever gave them the tip of the iceberg on my opinions, mainly stating that it simply wasn't for me. That statement got more backlash than anything, actually)

T started dating a straight couple in our little group, while simultaneously dating his current girlfriend, (who he also tried to persuade me to break up with FOR him during this time period) and gf was CLEARLY not okay with the arrangement but was ultimately ignored. I watched my friend throw an abusive temper tantrum for the first time then. Everything he said was gaslighting this girl into thinking it was not only unfair to HIM for her to have boundaries, but also bigoted somehow because he was trans. I don't even remember the words said, I had to tune out or be sucked in so I tuned out, but that was the gist.

Since then I've had this sinking feeling. More bad things have snowballed from that relationship, but I still thought I was struggling with "being transphobic" so I pushed my predator spotting instincts down, not even fully knowing or believing they were that. But recently, shit kinda hit the fan.

About a year ago, his ex from high school contacted him on tumblr confronting him about raping her, repeatedly. And I was there for it. I read all the messages. He wanted advice, I said fucking apologize and offer to turn yourself in. That's when he stopped letting me read the messages. We got into a fight but somehow, SOMEHOW this motherfucker convinced me that he didn't remember doing it, that it must've been the overwhelming disphoria, that it was somehow all a misunderstanding. I was deep into liberal feminism, and I fucking bought the cow. I let him gaslight me, but now I was on high alert. I started coming to terms with my own sexual abuse, cuz somehow I had a feeling that dealing with that would help me see the truth in this relationship that had my brain so twisted. This next part is still fresh, it's my peak.

See, most of our friendship I was in a relationship with a man, who is very sweet and still a dear friend despite my dumping him over lesbianism (Lol), but during that time periodically T would talk for a few weeks to me about "whether or not I was poly", then inevitably express his undying love and be destroyed when I still didn't reciprocate despite him always telling me some variation of "I just feel like we're soul mates/you're not being honest with yourself about feelings for me/we just make sense". This happened so many times I can't even count. But I brushed it off. Knowing now and looking back it was because I was primed for abuse by way of abuse my entire life, but that's another story for another time. Then, finally, i broke up with my boyfriend in February. I was really fucked up about it even though it was my choice and I wanted comfort in my best friend, who happened to be T. I told him everything and then of course came out as a lesbian. In the midst of my heartbreak life change, his eyes lit up. I watched. The next two weeks were a blur of self destructive behavior, then I quit my job and the horror crested into numbness. It's like he could sense my sudden relief, and pounced while I was resting. We weren't talking about anything deep when suddenly, "So now that you're single, what do you think about me?" And when I went through the exact same spiel i had 20 times over, he freaked. Crying, and trying to kiss me while arguing that "you SHOULD be in love with me, because we're BOTH lesbians!" (Not exact phrasing, but I can't remember it through all the hysterics honestly) then accusing me of using him.

I de-escalated the conversation somehow cuz I'm damn good at not getting hit, but then the conversation got more personal. I was already in a hyper-emotional state and I told him I was uncomfortable being around him knowing what I did about his rapist past. He turned that into a conversation about "why" it made me SO uncomfortable and I exploded. I told him in gory detail exactly what kinds of sexual abuse I'd faced in my life, basically screaming in the hopes that it would disgust him. (The gist being that I was sexually assaulted as a child by male family members who were also children), only to watch this slime SMILE and recount a story of how he "almost did that" to a younger female family member. Then he wanted to hug me. Like we shared our secret evil. I've never even wanted to kill the people who hurt me that way, but I wanted to kill T. I knew then that our relationship was toxic, abusive, codependent, whatever you want to call it. And now i hate him and we still see each other constantly. I'm hiding my rage terribly poorly and desperately avoiding him any chance I can get, but he has no boundaries obviously. I don't know what to do. I'm moving in six months but until then? Do I hide and let him stalk and maybe eventually hurt or kill me? Or do I tell him I hate his guts to his face and lose my entire friend group, cuz I know I won't want to say all this to them seeing as this alone fucking hurts and he has no problem twisting situations to seem like the victim?

I just feel. So hopeless and lost. Not only because of the need to get away from him and a lack of solution in that area. I just can't believe how many times abusers have gotten to me before I noticed. Is my whole life just going to be predators smelling me like a bleeding animal? Why can't a childhood of abuse and degradation be enough? Will every person I get close to eventually be uncovered to me as a predator? I know being abused makes me more vulnerable, but that doesn't mean the abusers' dog and pony shows are any less convincing just because I know logically. I'm just tired.

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