#maybe I'd have to include 'characters I think could be read as having mental illness' | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

szyszkasosnowa · 5 months

Text

Bookshelf wrapped

A list of books I've read in 2023 for statistical and archival purposes and also because I like to catalog things (and tumblr let me down by not having a year in review this year).

If any of my followers would feel inspired to do a similar thing please tag me, I'd love to see what you've read!

Służące do wszystkiego, Joanna Kuciel-Frydryszak. I love reading the first-hands accounts of history, esp from regular/lower class people. So it's worth to read just for it. There was something lacking for it to be a really good reportage tbh.

Fire and Blood, George R.R. Martin. Really nice if you're an asoiafhead. Can't really recommend to someone who hadn't read asoiaf before. Also I wish GRRM would focus on finishing the saga instead of starting new projects. But can't really blame him for pursuing side stories.

Into Thin Air, Jon Krakauer. Keep thinking about that redditor guy who said this book inspired him to try and prepare to climb Mount Everest in one year. Maybe reddit pisses on poor even more than tumblr.

Dune Messiah, Frank Herbert. I must say that of (5) Dune books I've read so far, this has the higher amount of what I consider Dune's fatal flaws. Mostly unnecessarily convoluted dialogues that end up being borderline incomprehensible. It also underutilizes very interesting characters, like Scytale and Mohiam. I would give extra points for Paul's ending, but then I've read Children of Dune.

The True Deceiver, Tove Jansson. Just fine. Even better if you like winter.

Children of Dune, Frank Herbert. Way better than Messiah, can't hold a candle to the original Dune. I feel like some stuff was retconned in this part, concerning Alia's and the twins' abilities. Esp. Alia's arc could use more foundation set in the previous parts.

God-Emperor of Dune, Frank Herbert. Still not as good as the original Dune, but what a beautiful wild ride. So many cool ideas and characters, including the answer to the question 'would you love me if I were a worm', Idk why the people say it's not adaptable to the screen, I know exactly how I would direct the movie. I wasn't born a nepo baby so you will probably never see this, sadly.

Uncle Vanya, Anton Chekhov. I saw a really good performance before reading the play so it probably influenced my rating. Good read for ugly girls who pull no bitches.

The Last Question, Isaac Asimov. Clever.

Girl, interrupted, Susanna Kaysen. Good read for mentally ill and probably ugly girls.

Other voices, other rooms, Truman Capote. Loved how the climate was painted, and I'd say the way it was written, but I've read the translation. So I liked the translator's way with words I guess.

Dracula, Bram Stoker. Jonathan's diary at the beginning is crazy, scary and overall amazing, but sadly it's the highest point of the novel and the rest doesn't live up to the hype. It's still good and it nice to compare how some motives evolved in the popculture.

Chłopki. Opowieść o naszych babkach, Joanna Kuciel-Frydryszak. Again, I absolutely loved the primary sources used in this book. And it's in fact rare to see some memoirs by the women of the lowest of low classes. But other then the sources, Idk.

Heretics of Dune, Frank Herbert. The issues of Messiah are back. Can we let go of Duncan at last. Honored Matres as a concept are questionable/laughable. I wanted to ask on Dune subreddit if anyone else thinks Teg and Patrin were gay for each other but they removed my ask, so I'm just gonna believe this on my own.

The Crucible, Arthur Miller. Very good. I have some issues with the character of Abigail and how she compares to the historical Abigail though.

Things fall apart, Chinua Achebe. Crazy good. I kept changing my mind on what I like the most about the book as I read it. In the end I think what I liked the most was giving a perspective of the people who didn't fit with the traditional society.

Śniła się sowa, Ewa Ostrowska. Raw, disgusting, unsettling portrayal of a small, closed off countryside society, and its violence. As small, closed off countryside societies are one of my biggest fears, I loved (?? appreciated) this book.

Owoc żywota twego, Ewa Ostrowska. As above, but even more disgusting and unsettling. Dead Dove Do Not Eat, but if you're fully ready for what awaits you, it's a good read.

Heart of Darkness, Joseph Conrad. Actually good.

Kiss of the Spider Woman, Manuel Puig. Very cool idea for the book structure (dialogue-only, two inmates try to pass time, one recounts to the other the movies he had seen). But the story itself isn't bad also.

Dungeon Meshi, Ryouko Kui. Beautiful! Heartwrenching! Heals your depression! Elf twinks! Extremely thought out worldbuilding and a consistent, planned out story. Love to see it.

I don't include the manga I've read that are ongoing (or I hadn't finished them).

#year in review #oc #fire and blood #dune

2 notes · View notes

sweetmage · 1 year

Note

For the ask meme - 001 | send me a ship:

m!handers to start!

Hi! Thank you! 💖

when I started shipping it if I did: On my first playthrough last year :) I was unsure who to romance and all of the love interests were in the running EXCEPT for Anders. But I was flirting with everyone indiscriminately for fun and uhh... the moment he gave his little confession it was all over for me. He needs to be held and loved and cared for. Romanced him on the spot.🥺

my thoughts: I have always loved stories about love blossoming where it shouldn't. The world does not want mages to live free and normal lives, they are deprived of even their most basic right to love and be loved, to know safety and protection. I love that throughout the romance love and safety are things you can provide him and I love that it comes full circle with him doing what he must to assure mages in the future (and even Hawke) can experience those basic rights, even he needs to give up everything he has to do so. (I play mage Hawke so part of my interpretation/view is shaped by that)

What makes me happy about them: Everything :)

What makes me sad about them: A lot of the aforementioned stuff of course, but also Anders's ongoing struggle with mental illness (on top of everything else in the world he has to deal with) and the way he winds up so isolated from everyone but Hawke. I love their their love endures and is completely unconditional and understanding but it does make me sad that, by the end of it, that's kinda all he has left :( And then, of course, the ending where he fully prepares himself to sacrifice even that.

things done in fanfic that annoys me: I don't read fics often but think the only things that really "annoy" me are harmful narratives. Like biphobia, ableism, demonizing mental illness, etc. of course. but I also don't personally like to read Anders-negative fics (downplaying the oppression he and others faced, making him seem like an unhinged murderer on a power trip, etc.), fics where he is needlessly tortured (not in a whump or hurt/comfort sense but in a sense that it feels like you're meant to be cheering for his suffering), or fics where he is an abuser/being abused. I guess I also don't like fics where he dies but that's just a broader extension of me not liking any fic about character death regardless of the character (too sad😅).

things I look for in fanfic: Again, I don't really read fanfic much. But! I think I would like to read one where Anders is once again in a safe, healing environment post-canon. From a writers perspective, I like to write fics where he is facing adversity, self-doubt, and people (including former friends) misunderstanding his motives, but is still able find healing, inner peace, and connection. So maybe I'd like to read that too!

Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other: I think I could see my Hawke getting with Isabela since they are very close friends. I could also see him getting with Dorian, perhaps in my Inquisitor!Hawke AU. As for Anders... 🤔 Well, my Warden thought he was pretty neat!

My happily ever after for them: In all of my canons (that will surely be contradicted by DA4 but I'll just keep them as permanent AUs anyway) they end up moving to Skyhold and opening up a little clinic there. Whether that's because Hawke became the Inquisitor or because, when visiting to lend his aid, Hawke scoped the place out and thought that could be a nice, safe place to move his husband if he wielded enough influence for them to allow it. A quiet life where they can help and are appreciated and don't have to run anymore. A place where they can directly interact with other displaced mages and form a community with them, free from persecution and constraints.

who is the big spoon/little spoon: Reversible! I kinda also picture them sleeping face to face all tangled up sometimes or one of them flopped on top of the other.

what is their favorite non-sexual activity: Perhaps not their favorite activity, but one I picture them doing a lot. My Hawke is actually pretty mediocre with magic. I mean, he made it this far just fine, but so far his method has been "just throw a fireball at it and let the others take care of the rest" and he has honed his fire skills pretty well... everything else though? I'd like to think post-canon, especially when their lives and futures are more on the line than every, Anders takes the time to teach properly and Hawke comes to really appreciate and take pride in his magic, for all the trouble it's caused him. Though I see it often derailing into silly conversations or playful bickering. It's both useful to their life on the run but also a bonding activity for them.

#Thank you for the ask! Hopefully this is somewhat intelligible and not too many typos. I am sleepy tired while writing this 😅#handers #jun answers

4 notes · View notes

spikeinthepunch · 10 months

Text

Penrose: Dawning- the dev blog

Okay well my game has been up for a few days now, and the Jam is over so yeah, why not give a massive blog about it and the development and characters and feelings etc.

again this was quite a feat for me, so to say. as small as the game is. ive been struggling a ton for years and years, so the process and experience has stuck with me for the last month.

The personal

If you have followed and read some of my posts from the last month youd probably seen me talking about having seen a neurophysiologist-- my appointments for that were happening for quite a while before this month but this month was the end of it. Aside from it clearly being a huge stressor in general, it was also a huge eye opener to my problems. Which yeah, include my ability to Make Things. Not art- but everything else. The listening & reading comprehension, math and memory I tested on being really really bad. And it was great to understand that now! but having decided to take on the Jam was a lot and well, even though on one hand i felt good that I knew my issues.... it didn't mean i solved my issues. Now i was just way more away of them.

So, I tried my hardest I think because I knew I'd always give up on this stuff. And well, my mood meds were still kinda helping. I think there was a different kind of determination despite the upset that some of those tests caused me. Still, I faced a lot of anxiety, frusteration, and upsetting feelings in the process because of how hard it was for me to learn even the smallest things. I won't go super hard on that-- I just want to appreciate the small community of Narrat for being able to help and clarify my confusion even if I'd often say to myself "ugh, that was such a simple thing! i shouldnt need to get it clarified two times over!" etc etc.

still despite the variety of emotions i faced i came out of this really thinking 'wow i actually made something' because literally all these years i have never realized a larger project due to my issues. so for that i can be happy.

The development

the process of making this game was interesting because obvious i had never put my assumptions about the best way to develop to the test. i could think all the while "ill do this first, this second etc" but until you start making it you may realize you gotta do something else!

the fact this was only a month long didnt really give me much time to figure out better ways to develop, it i was already a ways into it. so i came out realizing what i could do diffferent. one thing for sure is i know i couldnt start with art. its just not possible in general to predict the art i would need clearly, because even if i were to write a lot, i felt that making dialog branches was much easier while i was coding because i never knew how far i would want them to go.

but also, in terms of writing- i already write a lot and i kinda have my mental process. getting that to work with the game was tough, and while i liked how i wrote for this game, i feel like it faltered in the sense that writing so many bits of it entirely away from each other had my struggling to make sure i felt connected. like, writing on one huge document allows me to easily refer back and having it all together makes it flow well in my head. but having them scattered around code was hard for me to track and i was never sure if it all felt like it connected up well. i also think in general if i wrote most of the important chunks- stuff not incredibly reliant on branches/choices- that i probably would have written waaaay more too. its just a format of writing that is natural.

there isnt too much as i did in the game coding wise so i dont have too many comments on development process. but i know i would like to make games in narrat that use the typical features found in games like DE (as the engine was inspired by), like stats/skills and maybe inventory depending on the thing.

The story & design

i dont plan to explain the story in detail here (a lot of secret context it on my discord) and i have talked loads about trying to write the themes its tackled.

the main thing about it is just that i have never properly realized Penrose and well. I was facing a creative block this last month which caused more struggles. But it was harder with art- mostly design. coming up with a design is harder in a block than reading a thing that says "draw a series of houses". thinking up something new is not easy. and my head also gets very stuck up in "if you design this and draw it, you can never change it".

Eden was pulled from my old unused RP character, Eden Creature, and so i was able to base her off something already. even so making anything at all was hard- even for Mick who already existed. I really didnt want her and Eden to revert back into my old style because its just no me anymore but at the same time i do want to get something unique for this story. Dawning does not reflect what I want exactly. I like what i managed to do esp in working with my time constraints. but, its not something i want to keep doing going forward.

the story was WAY more condensed than i thought it would be and its because i didnt really realize how quickly approaching the deadline was compared to my work. but at the same time i am glad it was? i was quite ambitious with how big i wanted this "proof of concept" to be, to where i definitely probably would have gotten farther in the plot and realized i had no clue exactly what I wanted.

because i do have a general idea of this story but not like. enough. and so shortening the story hugely for this demo was actually a good thing because i would have had to write a lot more and also probably wouldnt have been able to explain lore well enough because of how little i understood my own world. and when youre creative blocked its incredibly hard trying to development of that world too.

conclusion

i mentioned it breifly in a blog post but tbh the most scary part is having it hit that i am nervous has to how people will take my characters. not in a criticism kinda way but just the idea that people just wont really 'get' them. and even just the idea that my OCs have been "presented to the world" in some sense. i do stuff in my own little space all the time and never think about what it would really be like to put a game on itch.io or even like publish a proper animation on youtube or publish a book or something. its different and its weird because i have always thought to myself that i want people to see my OCs! but then i put it up in a place where it likely will be seen and I am afraid of that.

its probably for it being a first time. and also i need to learn confidence in this kind of work i was so into thinking i could never truly make because of my issues. this was still like, very very hard to do mentally etc and i feel very exhausted. but i really dont want this to be the first and last time i try and make something.

#penrose #dev blog

1 note · View note

iddybiddysquish · 2 years

Text

Fate - Chapter Two

Masterlist

Plot Description: What would happen if someone with Dissociative Identity Disorder (multiple personalities) got a god of death as another personality? Follows the plot of the anime and manga mixed including dialogue directly from the anime where appropriate. Character x cast of death note

Very minor self insert/OC that I've made into a vague reader insert that involves the reader being concerningly intertwined with Kira and his happenings against their will and seemingly against fate.

Fandom: Death Note

Gender: Female

Warnings: Dark and triggering content regarding death, suicide, mental illness and mentions of rape (character history - no rape in the story).

Notes: Yo so this is a bit of a reader insert/OC/self insert mix. I've tried to make it as reader insert as possible without changing a lot of what I'd already written. However your Japanese name will remain the same - Kedakai Ai.

Feedback is welcomed and I hope you have a good time reading! It's a bit of a slow burner!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

- December 5 -

“Wait so-” I paused, collecting my thoughts with a deep frown on my face, “Why different systems for date-year and age-year?” I begged, puzzled as I absentmindedly collected some white chocolate and shoved it into my mouth, only to cover it and continue with my question, “Is it related at all to the calendar difference you mentioned?” I pointed a finger, “You know, as in them having two calendars that they follow, like India? The 2020 one and the four thousand… something or other?” I tried, being unable to recall all of the information. Mono hunched over further, fingers out and bouncing - a small thing he’s always done when discussing a topic of interest and or gets the opportunity to explain things to people.

“4718 - and, you see,” he gave a small smile, excitement clear in his eyes, “age and year are different characters because they’re seen as completely separate, though I suppose you could say 2020 and 20 20 and be understood.” he hummed, nodding his head, “But, without having looked it up, I would assume it’s related to the fact that they aren’t necessarily in year 2020, as you said. After all, the year 2020 Common Era is a western concept based on Christianity.” I blinked.

“Okay this might sound stupid but, although I kinda knew that bit about it being based on Christianity, and it makes perfect sense, I also didn’t quite connect that despite BC literally meaning ‘Before Christ’.” I blinked before frowning.

“Wait, why do we still follo-”

“We interrupt this program to bring you a special, worldwide broadcast from the ICPO, Interpol!”

“Huh?” our attention was grabbed as the pair of us blinked towards the TV, gripped by the sudden, important-sounding words after it having given a few a moment's silence just before, “Interpol?” I frowned, “The police, then?”

“Interpol is just another name for ICPO…” Mono muttered with a frown, bringing my attention to him. I noted that his eyes never left the screen, “Must be serious.” I nodded with a hum, looking back at the TV.

“We’ll start now!”

“Maybe it’s about Kira…” I noted Mono nodding lightly from the corner of my eye before bringing all of my attention back to the screen.

Suddenly the screen changed to a well-kept man in a suit with a name plaque before him.

““Lind. L. Taylor”?” my nose scrunched up.

“That’s a very English name.” Mono noted aloud.

“Hn.” I nodded, still neither of us looking away from the screen, “Odd to see here.” Mono nodded.

“Think they’ve involved the SOCA?” he joked, making me blank enough that my eyes darted to his.

“The wha…?” he raised a brow, his attention back onto me.

“You don’t know them?” I shook my head.

“What are they? British FBI or something?” Mono hummed, nodding his head slightly from side to side in thought.

“Kinda. Stands for the Serious Organized Crime Agency.” he thought for a moment before continuing, “They basically deal with any threats posed by multinational organised crime, both within the UK and elsewhere.” I frowned.

“Surely it can’t be that serious yet, ne?” I begged, feeling a deep wave of sickening anxiety pit at the bottom of my stomach, “We still don’t even know Kira is real, for sure.” Mono chuckled.

“I wouldn’t worry;” I relaxed slightly at his tone, “they said Interpol, so it's probably not going to involve any other authoritative bodies.” he paused, “At least yet.” I nodded.

“I am Lind. L. Taylor, the sole person able to mobilise the world’s police.”

“Whoop well I guess that answers that question!” I joked, earning a laugh.

“Well that was easy.” he snickered.

“Also known as L.”

“Hm. Maybe I’ll go by A, huh, Mono? Would be easier for class.” I chimed, earning a raised brow.

“Is that still not sorted?” I shrugged.

“They said they’d change my name but that I’d have some papers to sign.” I sighed, resting my head on my hand and my elbow on my crossed leg, “It might take some time before they can call me in - maybe a week or two.” I shrugged, “I’ll get an email with the details and should be able to pop in anytime the campus is open, no appointment necessary.” he nodded, understanding and was about to comment, however he was interrupted by the TV, which drew our attention once again.

“There has been a string of serial killings targeting criminals. This is the most atrocious act of murder in history and it will not go unpunished.”

“I bet he’s fun to have at parties…” I muttered, earning a snicker.

“I will definitely catch the one behind the murders, commonly known as ‘kira’.”

“People really could’ve been more imaginative with the names.” Mono thought aloud, making me chuckle.

“I’d have gone with Killua-” I raised my hands up, “-for obvious reasons.” Mono sighed, giving me a weird look. I glared, “Hey it’s better than the translation for Killer from English!” he just shook his head.

“Kira,” we blinked, looking back at the TV, drawn in by the sudden direct message, “I have a pretty good idea behind your motive and why you’re doing this.”

“Same thing but okay-” I muttered to myself before being interrupted.

“But what you’re doing is… evil!”

“Is it completely professional to be talking directly to him like this in this manner? Isn’t that just going to provoke him.” I frowned, tapping my bottom lip with my index finger. Mono simply stared at the TV with a contemplative look adorning his features, though he said nothing.

“Unless that’s the point?” I speculated, tilting my head slightly, earning a frown.

“You think they want to kill the only detective who can connect police globally? Sounds like he was cherry picked for the job of catching Kira; I doubt they want him dead.” I shook my head.

“It’s fishy is all I’m saying.” I frowned, “They made a big deal about this guy’s presence, going as far as to give his whole name and face, and now they’re gonna piss Kira off with childish insults?” I shook my head, “Something is awry here; I can feel it in my gut.” Mono gave a thoughtful frown, but in the end said nothing, once again. Eventually, both of our attention was retaken by the man on the TV as he cried out in pain.

We both gasped as the man clutched at his chest, right over his heart, crying out further before finally collapsing onto the desk, unmoving. And with that, as it dawned upon us that the man was presumably dead, the smiles fell as we both realised how serious this was.

'Kira… you sadistic bastard!' I sweated.

He was dead, clearly, as two big men picked him up and removed him from the stage.

“How illegal is that?” I begged, eyes never leaving the screen as the corpse was removed. Mono shook his head, unable to speak as the pair of us felt shook.

“Is that it then…?” Eventually Mono begged, confused and unsettled. I shook my head.

“Who pulls a stunt like that? There has to be a reason. There has to be mor-”

My mouth froze, unable to finish as all attention focused back on the TV as the screen changed, showing a big, black, fancy ‘L’ letter. I didn’t know how to feel and that didn’t get any better as the new, edited voice began to reveal more information on the sight at hand, though not without some… praise?

“Unbelievable.” it began, shock still evident despite the software used to scramble the voice, “I had to check to be sure.”

‘Who the fuck-?’

“Who would have thought you could have done this?”

‘Fucking not me-!’

“Kira,” I gasped silently, the name sending shivers down my spine, a whole new level of meaning now having been assigned to it, “it seems you can kill people without direct contact. I couldn’t believe it without seeing it with my own eyes.”

“So he is real…” Mono muttered in disbelief, “But ho-?”

“Listen to me, Kira. If you just killed the man on-screen, Lind. L. Taylor, you just killed a man who was scheduled to be executed today.

“It wasn’t me.” I gasped again, Mono looking towards me with an unreadable expression on his face. I couldn’t look away from the screen; I felt my eyes water.

‘I was right…!’

“This criminal is someone who the police caught secretly. His capture wasn’t broadcasted on television or the internet. It seems that even you couldn’t get information on him.

“But I, L… do exist! So come on! Try and kill me!” I began to quake, shaking my head violently.

“Why?! Stop being an idiot, L!” I cried as his voice continued in the background. Mono immediately put his arm around me.

“What’s wrong?

“Do it quickly!” As he continued to taunt Kira, Mono went to turn off the TV, however I grabbed his hand and held it close to my chest, his other arm rubbing my arm.

“C’mon! Kill me!

“Come on, Kira! Try and kill me!” I closed my eyes, unable to watch despite there being nothing on the screen. Images of the dead man flashed in my head as I waited for the disembodied voice to disappear, its owner killed by Kira.

“What’s the matter? Can’t you do it?” I gulped, my eyes widening as the silence never came. Immediately my head shot up as I watched the screen, unsure how to feel but anxious all the same.

‘Kira is real…!’ I thought, confused by his voice continuing, enough that I almost didn’t believe it. I ended up scooting forward towards the TV and out of Mono’s grasp.

“It seems that you can’t kill me. So there are some people that you can’t kill. You’ve given me a good clue. I’ll tell you something good in return.” I baulked, shaking my head.

“The name and face?” I begged, earning a confused look from Mono. I continued, not even noticing his questioning gaze, “They’re the only variables other than these people being direct criminals.” I thought aloud. Mono looked shocked, but was unable to respond before the TV interrupted him.

“I told you that this is a live broadcast worldwide, but this is only being broadcasted in the Kanto region of Japan. I was planning on broadcasting this in different areas at different times, but it seems that I no longer need to. Now I know that you are based in the Kanto region.” instinctively Mono’s hand came to his mouth as realisation dawned on him.

“He’s not just in Japan, but amongst us.” he muttered, concern etched into his tone. I couldn’t find my voice, too lost in my thoughts to be able to respond, the other half of my attention glued to the screen as I continued to listen.

“The first victim was the killer in Shinjuku. The police overlooked this case because it was so minor. Of all the criminals who died of heart attacks, this one’s crime was the least serious. Furthermore, his crime was only broadcast in Japan.

“I have been able to deduce this much. You are in Japan and your first victim was your guinea pig. You’re just lucky that you’re in Kanto, the most heavily populated region in Japan.”

“Yeah, for you.” I deadpanned under my breath. If Mono heard it, he didn’t make it obvious, his eyes, naturally, still glued to the TV screen. I couldn’t help but look down at the floor, a deep frown on my face as I contemplated the meaning as to what just happened.

“I never thought that things would go quite so well, but… Kira, it won’t be too long before I can sentence you to death.” I frowned.

“Isn’t that a bit hypocritical?” I begged quietly, earning a shake of the hand from Mono, meaning ‘sort of’, though he didn’t speak, waiting to hear the rest.

“Kira, I’m interested in how you commit the murders. But… I’ll find that out when I catch you.

“Until we meet again… Kira.”

Almost immediately the screen went to static and I felt my body slump, aching from the rigid posture I had unknowingly maintained throughout the broadcast.

“What the actual fuck…?” Mono begged, removing his glasses and wiping his face before running his fingers through his dark brown hair. I didn’t respond, continuing to stare at the same spot from earlier, still thinking.

After a few minutes, Mono must have noticed my state as he gently placed his hand on my upper arm. I knew he was concerned, but before he could ask how I was, I spoke first in a firm voice.

“Kira can’t know this many people personally, but he can use the news and internet to his heart’s content, so there's nothing physical between him and these people, like needing personal or even biological items related to the victim…” I noted before biting my thumb as it squishes my bottom lip with each word, “L sounds like an alias; even if it’s in or related to his real name, it hardly offers many clues as to his identity; Kira wouldn’t have any chance to find anything out regarding either his face or name… or even age, details about the crime or blood type!” I gasped lightly, “After all, he had plenty of time to look up Lind. L. Taylor; who’s to say he couldn’t get more information on him from the internet?” I begged, though shook my head with a frown, “No, how could he get the blood type of every single criminal? That’s hardly knowledge generally published. And L said Lind. L. Taylor wasn’t published.” I sighed. Thinking further, my head snapping up at the screen before I violently turned to Mono, horror-struck realisation on my face, “So, does that mean that Kira needs someone’s name and face? His age and or other details regarding the individual’s crimes to kill them weren’t published; after all, it seems like they need to have enough details to be able to identify a specific individual?” I begged, earning a baffled look from Mono, “What if the police haven’t thought about that? It could be misleading the case if Kira did need those details!”

After a few moments Mono had visibly begun to truly contemplate my words, which was notable when he looked away with a deep frown. After a few more moments he nodded, head snapping back to mine as he looked me in the eyes with a determined look.

“If that’s even slightly possible, we need to inform the police.” I practically gulped at the thought, biting my lip as I contemplated the idea.

“How…?” I begged, frowning at the floor as I contemplated a way to contact the police, “Who’s to say they’d listen to us?” Mono nodded, hning in agreement.

“They’ll have phone, email and other means of contact, but you’re right; I don’t see how they would be effective.” I cocked a brow, confused, causing him to elaborate, “Even if they received the information, we have no means to make sure the details go through to the right people.” I blinked, nodding at his realisation. He continued.

“We could go there in person, but I imagine that seeing the individuals working on this case would be near impossible…” I frowned, shaking my head.

“The idea of going physically there scares me.” I shuddered, “It’s stupid, but I’m getting paranoid that Kira could be watching…” Mono frowned, though said nothing, appearing to be in thought.

“You know, as soon as word of this exchange hits world-wide news, this is going to be even bigger than just this?” I blinked, looking up before sighing, eyes falling to my crossed legs.

“I know.” I scratched the back of my neck as my eyes darted to Mono’s, “When my mum hears she’s gonna flip; she’s already asked me to postpone my first year till the next.” I groaned, lying down, arms behind my head. Mono sighed.

“I doubt Kira will be over by this time next year.” he noted aloud, earning a nod.

“I know. And then she’ll ask me to postpone again and again until Kira is caught or the killings stop; that could be years.”

“Did you agree?” I shook my head. After a few moments I moved to lying onto my side, facing Mono.

“What would you do?” I begged, feeling slightly defeated. Mono didn’t seem shocked at my question, though I knew he might struggle to answer it, which is why I gave him as much time as he needed to do as such.

“It’s tricky.” he began after a few moments, tentatively, “Emotionally you want to make your mum feel better, but realistically you can’t put your life on hold because of someone killing criminals.” he scratched the back of his neck as he exhaled before adding, “I mean, it’s not like you’ve ever been arrested or accused of a crime; you’re literally the least likely to be targeted by Kira.”

“Hn.” I nodded before adding, “Plus it’s not like I’ll escape the Kira killings by going back to the UK - or anywhere else, for that matter; Kira is killing any and all known criminals regardless of their physical location or location of their crime.” Mono nodded.

“Exactly.” I sighed, going back onto my back as I sprawled my limbs out like a starfish.

“That’s my thoughts exactly. Besides,” I bit my lip, “it would be a superficial and temporary relief she’d experience. And we would start to argue again if I moved back with her.” I shook my head, “I’m not playing that game again.” Mono nodded.

“I remember…” he added, the memory clear in his mind. After a moment or two, he snickered, earning a confused look from myself, enough that I sat up slightly. He chuckled, “Why else would you call me up and start planning to move to Japan with me, of all people, huh?” I laughed loudly, falling back onto my back and grabbing my legs.

“What’s wrong with moving to a strange country to study with your general from hell, huh?” I teased, “We live next door to one another; how scandalous!” I mock gasped, hand over my mouth, earning a laugh from Mono.

“Look at you! You’re shoulders! They’re bare in my presence!” he cried, hand on chest as he mocked outrage, “What are you? A common wench?!” I snorted with each gasp of laughter, enough to set Mono off. It would have taken a good few minutes before I could control the snorts, though it was prolonged by Mono continuing to make me laugh so he could mock me for sounding like a pig.

Regardless, I relished this small moment of happiness with my friend, knowing it was a moment away from the horrid reality we had just witnessed, on the TV no less. It was even more important given we both knew that we would have to have a more serious conversation regarding what we might have figured out.‘Yes.’ I smiled internally, ‘These are the moments I live for now.’

9 notes · View notes

whumpinggrounds · 1 year

Note

hey blue, i saw your post on writing characters experiencing seizures and epilepsy. my biological mother has been an epileptic since childhood and has had many seizures, as well as strokes and bells palsy, but is severely mentally ill in a way that prevents them from pursuing treatment as an autonomous adult. however, my family is highly neglectful and i've had to take my healthcare into my own hands my entire life, and have seen over ten neurologists who claim i'm either perfectly healthy and faking my non-neurologic conditions/psychosomatising myself into being sick due to my family history of complex illness, or claim i am UNhealthy but require a "more specialised neurologist." no one has been able to refer me to one of these, including neurologists who ARE specialised, work at seizure/epilepsy clinics, or coordinate with neurosurgeons.

i think i have absence seizures. no one has done any testing beyond brain MRI, eeg, and [brain fog, blanking on the name] the test where they stick conductive needles into every body part they can [SIX separate times thus far. it always comes back normal.] i feel stuck staring into space sometimes and can slowly move my head but not my eyes. i can't normally talk like this i think? other times i feel my eyes glaze over, my eyelids start twitching, and sometimes i have twitching in other parts of my face. this happens the most when i'm sitting upright [something i have trouble doing] and am having an animated conversation. everything begins to feel like i'm swimming and fogs over, but i can still talk fairly normally and no one has ever noticed/pointed these episodes out. i think i become less animated and maybe slower when these happen, and may struggle to find and express complex words or thoughs, but i have ADHD with cognitive disengagement syndrome so everyone is used to me being slow. they last from a few seconds to two or so minutes, and can happen once during a conversation or ebb and flow numerous times. i have tiny spasms in various parts of my body seemingly randomly that you can feel if you touch it, but are rarely visible - the most visible instance was when my ankle was quite literally vibrating.

i have treatment resistant JRA that inflames EVERYTHING, including my internal organs and likely my brain to very small degrees. i also have three [countable] schmorl's nodes gthat just. appeared? they aren't the result of an injury or strain as i can't do anything strenuous, but simply Existing puts my body under such duress they occured. i also have an "abnormal" intraosseous hemangioma in my t4 that has only gotten worse, my legs may as well disappear when i sneeze a specific way, i have vestibular issues and neuropathy... a lot of neurologic symptoms that add up to even my manhattan, NYC neurologists asking if i've tried to go to the mayo clinic. i DON'T feel undiagnosable, though. i'd really like if you could respond with any resources you would trust for seizure education, specifically absence seizures. i have another neurology appointment in september at yet another seizure clinic and will continue trying to pursue treatment, and in no way am i seeking medical advice from you nor misconstruing you as a source of medical guidance. your post reads as if you have personal experience with/researching epilepsy and seizures, and i'm reaching out in the hope you have further reading material to recommend that you trust. i've read all the webMD pages and things like that, but i just can't find sources discussing practically invisible seizures seemingly triggered by lively conversations. i don't know if maybe my own body language triggers these episodes or not, for example, but your post was the first time i read something state a trigger could be something other than flashing lights. [mandatory disclaimer over]

sorry for the long ask! thanks for your time and your very cool resource. writing disabled characters well requires both the logic and emotion of the experience of being disabled, and including aspects such as embarrassment and guilt over symptoms [ex. loss of bowels and bladder control during a seizure] not as a means of humiliation, but to remind writers and readers that our relationships with our bodies are complex, personal, and varied is so important. it's easy to reduce us to clinical shortlists of symptoms, visual descriptions, and needs, but disabled people are so much more than that. thanks again

Hi!

First of all, I'm glad that my post resonated with you. I absolutely agree with what you say about writing disabled characters - its complex, multifaceted, and deserves to be done with attention and care.

Thank you for talking about your story and your symptoms. I'm glad you felt safe sharing! As you mention in your post, I am not able to offer any kind of medical advice. The writing advice in my post is gathered from internet research (which I am sure you have had to do far too much of) and experience working with people who have epilepsy. That, for instance, is where I first learned that a seizure can be triggered by much more than just flashing lights.

To be honest, the only specific resources I used to write that post are listed at the end of it - a podcast episode from This Podcast Will Kill You and a book called The Spirit Catches You and You Fall Down were particularly informative. The rest was Internet research and personal experience. I've worked with about a dozen people with different kinds of epilepsy, with varying degrees of closeness and for varying amounts of time. Some I still speak with, and this is where my more nuanced information comes from. Online communities of people with epilepsy may be able to provide this kind of information, although I have to say as a non-epileptic person, I don't have personal knowledge of what those communities are like.

I spent a long time thinking about this ask. I want to have better answers for you, and I want you to get the help you're looking for. I thought about digging up some online resources that looked good - but you've probably spent much longer doing that yourself, and I don't think I'd be able to find anything that you couldn't. The only real piece of information that I have is that I know people that have done EEGs (I think that's the form of brainwave testing you're referring to) that have lasted 3 days, and still haven't picked up a seizure or seizure-like activity. This is frustrating and painful, but it doesn't mean their (or your!) symptoms aren't real.

Your symptoms are real. Your frustration and suffering are real, and I am so sorry that a diagnosis and treatment haven't come yet. I'm also sorry you're going at it alone. You write about yourself, your symptoms, and your needs with awareness and clarity, which is an extremely powerful thing. I hope that the new neurology center has better answers for you.

Please feel free to come back anytime - I know this isn't what you were looking for, and I am truly sorry for that. I wish you well!

#disability asks

1 note · View note

builder051 · 2 years

Note

🎃🌧️😹

🎃: What are some good memories you have of celebrating Halloween? And do you have any plans for this year?

Goodness, Halloween... Until recently, I'd never celebrated Halloween as a season. I was just a day, like St. Patricks day or whatever, so participation involved dressing up for one night, maybe carving a pumpkin, trick-or-treating, then going to bed and all the evidence was gone, because the calendar flipped to November.

My roommates (and kiddos) are into Halloween, so I found a few art projects to do with big kid. I think that will be the enjoyment this year.

I want the younger kids and me and DD to dress up like Queen (the band). At least baby boy can be Freddie and I can be John, since I've already ordered our shirts. :)

🌧️: Time for a movie marathon on a rainy day. Pick your top 5 movies to watch!

The best movie ever, which I could praise till the cows come home, and I still can't figure out why it wasn't nominated for a single award the year it was released: First Man

My favorite Marvel to date: Black Panther

My 'grounding' movie: Bohemian Rhapsody

My favorite animated movie: Titan A.E.

My favorite (feature length) documentary: Artifact (documents the litigation between Thirty Seconds to Mars and their label as they were recording the This Is War album--TONS of raw music footage from rehearsals, recording, humming nonsense...)

Honorable mention-- the episodic box-set documentary from none other than the man himself-Ken Burns: Vietnam

😿: Describe any scene in a movie/series/book that never fails to make you cry.

(I hope that's the same emoji; there isn't another one with the kitty on the list on my computer...)

Ok, so, while I am a highly emotional person (emotionally sensitive? IDK; I have a few workbooks that are meant to help me get in touch with those emotions and settle things out), I'm not a theater-cryer. I don't think I've ever been a book cryer. I like creepy murder mystery kind of stuff, as well as war film stuff, so gore/violence/plot twists don't really get to me. The only thing I can't stand is animal abuse, and if it goes on for more than, like, one second flash on the screen (or if I already know it ends ok), I will walk out or stop reading.

The ONLY movie that has ever had me in tears To The Bone (A Netflix production, a dark comedy about living with an eating disorder). This movie also had me laughing and nodding and empathizing so hard and having secondhand embarrassment... It's a real niche piece of art, and for those who are able to take it in, it's fucking jaw-dropping amazing.

That said, DO NOT WATCH THIS FILM unless you are a grown person 18+ AND have had your own past run-ins with EDs. It's definitely not pro-ana, but due to its authenticity, there's a lot of pro-ana language and imagery. There's also a lot of mental illness talk, including suicide and death. It's a lot to take in. Like 13 reasons why, only slightly more adult. The main characters are young 20s age.

0 notes

liibrii · 3 years

Text

In honour of today being National Culture Day in my country and exactly a year since I've seen my favourite band perform live, I've decided to take a minute and talk about Dream Theater. And by talk I mean mostly nerd out about my favourite songs and why I love them so much.

in case you haven’t heard of Dream Theater before, they’re an american progressive metal band, who’s been around since 1985. idk what else to say except even if you don’t like metal/rock give a listen to Beneath the surface.

tw: some pretty heavy topics such as death, murder, mental illness, alcoholism,...

so to start, I love the versatility of their songs and yet they still have that distinct Dream Theater sound. my favourite part of their music are the lyrics. a lot of them are inspired by their own personal experience, which often makes them just the more heart breaking. and for others, I don't know what creator juice these guys are on but I'd like some. they’re the kind of lyrics you want to read while listening to the music just to really get the meaning, and you spend days thinking about them. or maybe that’s just me. :D

also Petrucci's guitar skills are outta this world, which sadly often overshadows others who are also incredible musicians. I have a soft spot the singer LaBrie cause 1. his voice and singing are magnificent, and 2. he damaged his voice pretty badly but perservered even when critics weren’t very nice to his singing and I respect that.

I'll start with my favourite album (and the one I heard live) - Metropolis Pt. 2: scenes from a Memory. it's a concept album, which if you don't know is an album that has a single central narrative (can be lyrics, musical theme,...). in this case it tells a story of Nicholas, a man who keeps having dreams about a girl named Victoria, and how through hypnotic therapy he discovered he was her in the previous life. Victoria was murdered and her death never solved, so we follow him as he discovers the truth behind her death. I won't spoil it, in case you're curious but don't wanna read the lyrics you can find a synopsis here. I'll just say the story of this album is better than majority of movies.

If you put a gun to my head and made me choose my favourite song on this album it would be the very last one: Finally Free. it's charged with so much emotion, the way LaBrie sings the lyrics; you can tell which part belongs to which character, it's just soooo good! The way each repeats the lines This feeling / Inside me / I finally found my love (life) / I've finally broke free - and I'd go on but I'd get into spoiler territory. so. let's move on with the closing melody (it's not much of a melody, more like static) that becomes the opening of the first song on their next album Six Degrees of Inner Turbulence.

Six Degrees of Inner Turbulence is another concept album. this album. man, how do I even begin to explain it? I can't, you gotta listen to it. have you ever imagined an entire album telling stories of people living with things like alcoholism, post-partum depression, autism, schizophrenia? it may sound intimidating and I won't lie, some songs touch you so deeply it's hard to listen to them (looking at you Goodnight kiss).

and now that my fave albums are outta the way let's talk about my favourite songs in no particular order! (just a note, pretty much everything I’ll say about the lyrics is my personal interpretation)

Beneath the Surface (album: A dramatic turn of Events) - the one that makes me cry like a baby. the one I tefuse to shut up about. the story of two people who are in love, neither aware the other feels the same, both too scared to make a move till it’s to late and their feelings fade. just, listen to it, please. it’s also the least ‘metal’ of their songs, if that’s not the kind of music you’re fond of.

Spirit carries on (album: Metropolis Pt. 2: Scenes from a memory): I can’t say much about it without spoiling the story of the album, so let’s say it was experience of a lifetime singing this song on the concert, off key and out of tune, with your bestfriends beside you, all of you crying. 10/10 experience.

Through her eyes (album: Metropolis Pt. 2: Scenes from a memory) - same as Spirit carries on :D

Finally free (album: Metropolis Pt. 2: Scenes from a memory) - the emotion!! I want to sing this song at the top of my lungs while it makes tears pour down my face. it’s such a good final song to this absolutely brilliant album.

Pull me Under (album: Images and Words) - when that LaBrie voice hits... if you’ve ever heard this song you know what I mean, and if you are yet too, you’ll know which part I mean. you’ll hear it, trust me. (it’s at 2:54)

Vacant (album: Train of thought): ah look, another song that makes me cry. LaBrie wrote this after his daughter fell into coma for 3 hours when she was 7, and let me tell you, you can feel the fear. easily one of their most heart breaking songs. but she’s okay now, don’t worry. :)

Stream of Consciousness (album: Train of Thought) - an instrumental song with guys just flexing their skills.

Wither (album: Black Clouds & Silver Linings) - the story behind this song is Petrucci had trouble coming up with new lyrics so this mad-lad pulled a UNO reverse card and wrote a song on having trouble creating. and as a writer who often hits writer’s block I relate to that.

Count of Tuscany (album: Black Clouds & Silver Linings) - the story of this song could easily be a movie. you meet a young count on your travels and he takes you to his home where his slightly eccentric brother lives, and before you know you’re terrified for your life. I have yet to hear a song that captures the fear of dying as well as this one. 20 minutes of pure bliss and singing at the top of your lungs.

Out of Reach (album: Distance over Time) - you know that feeling of falling for someone who’s out of reach? yeah, that.

Fall into the light (album: Distance over Time) - the line Too much love is not enough for us makes me question what is really important in life and I love it when songs make me think. it’s such a simple line and yet so powerful. (spare some of the creator juice?)

Ministry of Lost Souls (album: Systematic Chaos) - you thought we were done with songs that make me cry? ha, think again! this is the song that sold me on Dream Theater. the lyrics have 2 different interpretations, both of which are heart breaking and thus I won’t talk about them. :)

Prophets of War (album: Systematic Chaos) - I’m not saying it’s about the possible ulterior motives of the Iraq war buuuut... oh no, wait that’s exactly what the song is about.

Endless sacrifice (album: Train of Thought) - just a song about how relationships take work and compromising, especially when one is a musician and often on tours. Petrucci wrote this song for his wife. get you a man who recognises how much you’ve sacrificed to make the relationship work.

Build me up, break me down (album: A dramatic turn of events) - I have no other reason for liking this song other than it is an absolute banger.

Panic Attack (album: Octavarium) - this song includes my favourite singing from LaBrie. goosebumps every time. and also the suffocating feeling of pure panic, the paralysis you feel are so well reflected in the music it’s unreal.

Octavarium (album: Octavarium) - this song has my fave line: It's wonderful to know that I could be / Something more than what I dreamed. and it also takes the award of “Lyrics whose meaning I’ve been trying to figure out for years and still have no clue“. and the orchestral parts of this song... I hope to get a chance to hear it live one day.

I was debating putting some of my favourite lyrics here but I think this post is already long enough. :)

in conclusion, I love Dream Theater and I hope they keep making music!! ♡

#dream theater #libri speaks #I just wanted to get this outta my system #things you didn't ask for #might edit/update later

3 notes · View notes

fillorian-pocketwatch · 4 years

Text

The Makings and Fate of Quentin Coldwater: What Were the Writers Thinking?

Trigger warnings: Quentin Coldwater, seasons 4 and (briefly) 5, mentions of suicide/suicidal ideation, outdated ideas about the purity of women.

General warnings: Spoilers for the show and the books.

Buckle up, darlings, and my apologies in advance: this is a rough ride, and I don’t recommend reading it if you aren’t in the right headspace for it right now.

I hope that those who do read it might drop some LGBTQIA+ positive book/tv recommendations in the comments as a pick-me-up for others. I will add some myself if I can think of some good ones.

So as it turns out, I ran into something entirely by accident: the inspiration behind the character of Quentin Coldwater.

I knew that Eliot and his "will-they-or-won't-they" dynamic with Quentin in the Magicians books were both borrowed from Evelyn Waugh's Brideshead Revisited (Grossman has said so himself)--

but I didn't realize there was an actual preexisting character Grossman borrowed from for Q:

Quentin Compson, from The Sound and the Fury.

This explains so much for me. So much.

I ran across information about the character the other day while doing something completely unrelated (looking up some other book if I recall correctly), and when I saw the similarity of the two names and then learned about the first Quentin’s fate, I thought, could this be LG’s inspiration?

Further research revealed that yes, Lev has said as much in articles. And even if he hadn’t, the fact that he has written extensively *about* TSatF online makes it a relatively easy conclusion to draw.

While the two Quentins aren't actually much alike (at least on the surface; I haven't read TSatF yet, just in-depth summaries/analyses of it)--other than the fact that they are both mentally ill over-achiever college students, are preoccupied with the idea of another world (the world as they each wish it was), and constantly associated with symbolic clocks and watches--Quentin Compson's fate explains everything for me in terms of how to understand Quentin Coldwater's series-four fate.

Quentin Compson ultimately kills himself in the famous classic novel; he does so by drowning after jumping off the Anderson Memorial Bridge in Boston, Massachusetts. Today there is a plaque there to commemorate the character:

In the Faulkner novel, Quentin associates the smell of honeysuckle with his obsessions over his sister’s purity--an ideal he comes to feel let down by after she loses her virginity and then seems to lose herself further in the company of men he feels are unsuitable.

I can’t help but make a parallel with the “drowned garden” of season 4, episode 12.

Quentin makes the following speech in the drowned garden, and as far as I’m concerned, it’s the closest thing we get to a suicide note:

You know the worst part of getting exactly what you want? When it's not good enough. Then what do you do? If this can't make me happy, then what would? Fillory was supposed to mean something. I was supposed to mean something here. But it's all... it's just... it's random. It's so random that the only way to save my friends is to yell at a fucking plant! Honestly, fuck Fillory for being so disappointing. You know what, maybe I was better off just believing that it was fiction. The idea of Fillory is what saved my life! [laughs.] This promise... that... people like me... [weeping] People like me... Can somehow... Find an escape. There has gotta be some power in that. Shouldn't loving the idea of Fillory be enough?

But the idea of Fillory is not enough, in the end, because the idea of happiness is also not enough. And by the end of his time on the show, that’s all Quentin has: the trappings of happiness (or at least the ones available to him, the ones he thinks might get him there), without the actual emotion.

Maybe he realizes, in the drowned garden, that he is at the end of his rope. Maybe that is where he decides to give up.

That, in my opinion, is why he begins to seem so shut down: it isn’t uncommon for people to distance themselves emotionally as a precursor to suicide (hence Jason being accused of “refusing to act” toward the end of S4).

I think it’s also why he doesn’t stop to wait and see how Eliot is after Margo strikes the Monster with the axes: he has given up on the idea that the things he thinks will make him happy actually will, or that happiness is actually attainable for him in the first place.

Quentin Coldwater drowns not in the fading of honeysuckle; for him it’s peaches and plums. In any case, he is definitely in over his head, and the water that spills out of the mirrors after his death feels like an homage to that literal drowning of his predecessor.

The TM writers found ways, as the show progressed, to tie the books back in to the show; the way they did it, however, was often roundabout to say the least. Their takes on how different plot points should occur, or be interpreted from book to screen, were usually close to abstract. They did do it, in many ways, but theirs was far from a faithful adaptation.

It fits, therefore, that they would tie The Sound and the Fury into S4 the way that it appears they did.

It also tells me something about how blame for their decision can be distributed, because either the showrunners:

a.) really did their research re: Compson and put together that this was the character that inspired Lev

or, as is much more likely, they:

b.) discussed it all with Lev himself--or LG was the one to broach the subject to see what sort of take they could spin.

Whatever the lead-in to the decision, I think three things combined to give them the idea for Q’s fate:

1. Quentin Compson;

2. Alice’s description, in the third book, of watching an old god kill herself to make way for a new world (which was when Umber and Ember emerged);

3. The following lines from The Magician’s Land: “The truly sad thing was that Ember actually wanted to do it. Quentin saw that too: He had come here intending to drown Himself, the way the god before Him had, but He couldn’t quite manage it. He was brave enough to want to, but not brave enough to do it. He was trying to find the courage, longing for the courage to come to Him, but it wouldn’t, and while He waited for it, ashamed and alone and terrified, the whole cosmos was coming crashing down around Him.

Quentin wondered if he would have been brave enough. He would never know. But if Ember couldn’t sacrifice himself, Quentin would have to do it for Him.”

So, it appears, the group of writers (LG included, however actively) apparently decided to take Quentin’s thought from book three and put him in exactly that position: make the choice, or fail to make the choice.

But the need for him to make that choice was never horribly convincing. They were very mistaken if they thought it was. And no matter what, it was ultimately a horrible, damaging idea. It hurt the audience, and it killed the show. The only sacrifice that was made was made in the name of ego and “clever writing” that the writers thought was edgy and risky in some desirable way.

[Quote from vulture.com]

It's not so deep.

What they did, ultimately, was borrow from more than one outdated work, and use those as excuses to do the wrong things re: mental illness and LGBTQIA+ representation:

Evelyn Waugh’s characters fail, once again, to live their lives and desires freely and openly (What a waste to rehash the long-denied dynamic from Brideshead Revisited only to deny it again);

Quentin Compson’s legacy of suicide and hopelessness lives on (and this is made all the more offensive when you learn that Compson’s suicide was based largely on ideas of spoiled purity which were solely the burden of women to uphold).

They took what could have been made right and beautiful and instead used their story to perpetuate the same sad old traditions of queerbaiting and Burying the Gays.

Tragedy is not more profound than happiness (just ask Quentin Coldwater). I'd argue that to make something really beautiful, you need to mend what's broken.

The world is a broken place. It's easy to break things here.

The worst thing they did to Q, by far, was to use the beautiful concept of minor mending against him like it was the fuse on a stick of dynamite: the thing he’d spent his whole life seeking--his specific field, his special skill in the actual real world of magic--was what he used to kill himself. He killed himself by *fixing something.* We need no further evidence that Q had given up hope.

What a terrible message, and what a slap in the face to viewers who put their trust in this atrocious writing.

And they did nothing to redeem themselves after the fact, either. If anything, they made it even worse, somehow:

Eliot, by the end of the show, has even less than he started with.

Eliot, apparently, is us: left without Q, stripped of the comfort of a world we thought we knew. Utterly let down by the writers who had the power to make things different.

I hate to end this on such a terrible note. So let me just say that if you were let down by the show, and you miss Q, you’re far from alone! I see you, and I hear you, and I share your pain.

TM got it all wrong. But I have faith that others will get it right.

And no matter what, in the last book, Quentin lives, and has nothing but a whole world of possibility open up before him.

#The Magicians #Meta #Quentin Coldwater #The Sound and the Fury #the magicians season five #the magicians season four #the magicians books #Eliot Waugh #Brideshead Revisited #Evelyn Waugh #William Faulkner #Queliot #mental illness #lgbt representation #queerbaiting

35 notes · View notes

naia10101 · 4 years

Text

Tag people you want to get to know better

So i was tagged by @tolrais and I've never really done one of these before sooo figured I'd try it out!

Your name and what you would have named yourself: I actually really like my name ngl, but I don't particularly feel comfortable sharing it online so yall can stuck to Naia 😂

Astrological sign (sun/moon/rising): sun sagittarius, moon taurus and rising virgo. My main comment on this is that apparently rising virgo is what you try and present yourself as and i dont think anyone has every viewed me as organised 😂😂

When did you join tumblr and why: 2014, mostly cos I got sick of clicking on fanart from Google images and not being able to look at it without an account 😂

Top 5 fandoms: of all time would probably beeeee, general podcasts (since the Magnus Archives, the penumbra podcast, welcome to night vale and such are all kinda linked in the fandom), hannibal because I will never be over it :'), critical role cos I'm counting that as seperate to general podcast since I tend to watch it rather than listen, dungeons and dragons cos I think that counts as a fandom and probably steven universe because even though I don't really actively participate in the fandom anymore, it will always have a really special place in my heart with how it affected my development when I was growing up

Top 5 movies: first of all is definitely Saw, the first movie is amazing the other I don't mind but the first will always be my favourite. Next is prolly Scream cos all 3 of the original movies are absolute GOLD. Silence of the lambs, but only the first one cos I haven't actually seen the others and they don't sound as good ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. Avengers civil war, purely just cos of the people I watched it with and how special those memories are. Finally probably The Shining, again cos it was an amazing movie night.

Go to song when you want to Feel: anyone who knows me will judge so much cos I rarely listen to pop and this is cheesy af but Human by Christina Perri, and it only works if I'm already feeling a lot, it somehow just channels everything out my eyes :')

What's your religion or faith if you have one: I've always been pretty agnostic, but recently have found myself really drawn to different pagan-y, but that mostly manifests as talking to my pagan friends about it a lot and reading a lot about it

Do you have a type: uuuuuhhh I suppose anyone not particularly intimidating, I find a lot of things really pretty for different reasons, but I'm not a fan of really "scary" or overly "sexy" looks

What does your heart/soul yearn for: peace and equity

If you had to describe yourself in 5 words to someone you don't know: meaningless facts adhd excitement octopus

Favourite subjects in school: biology, chemistry music and drama

Top 5 fictional characters: Jonnathan Sims from the Magnus archives, Juno Steel from the penumbra podcast, caduceus clay from critical role, Burger Chainz from polygons cyberpunk red campaign and peridot from steven universe

Top 3 moments that made you ugly cry: THE ENDING OF FALSETTOS like bruh that's my go to when I need to cry cos EVERY TIME. Wei wuxians death scene on the cliff from the untamed cos OWCH. And the end of avengers endgame cos wow I have grown up with marvel since I was like 8.

The earth, the sun, the moon or the stars: the moon, cos earth SUCKS the sun is way too hot and bright and i love the stars but the moon is just so beautiful and is the symbol of a lot of ancient goddesses that I really identify with

Favourite kind of weather: heavy rain and overcast so I can curl up with a cup of tea and listen to emo music cos I will never escape being a shameless emo and also sunlight flares on my glasses so I hate it

Top 3 characters you kin: uuuuhhhhhhh no.

Favourite medium of art: idk if it's what I prefer to use or see? I prefer to draw on digital but I love seeing classical ink art from Asian cultures like China and Japan (I'm sorry I don't know what it's called 😬)

Introvert/ambivert/extrovert: extroverted introvert 😂 cos I need to talk to people I know well but I HATE talking to anyone not my friend and all interaction drains me to some degree

A favourite literary quote: "life is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing"

Some of your favourite books: Song of Achilles by madeline miller cos aaaaa, Dark matter by Michelle paver for the amazing horror descriptions and extra points for the surprise gay, anything by Edgar Allen poe or lovecraft, good omens by Terry pratchet and Neil gaimen and I must include the hunger games, because I reread those a hundred times as a teenager

If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be: I'm not massively picky about what I want but definitely some cottagecore vibes so probably somewhere in the countryside in southern France or maybe Italy

If you could live in any time in history when would it be: tbh i like WiFi and also being a big gay with mental illness I don't think I'd do well in any other time 😅 maybe would be born a few years earlier for when emo music was popular cos I missed that but that's it

If you could play any instrument masterfully what would it be: since I already play guitar and uke and stuff I'd love to be masterful at piano. I already play it somewhat but being truly masterful at it is one of the most incredible things I've seen

If you have one, what mythological gods/goddesses do you feel a connection to: definitely Artemis, dionysius, athena and hades, not particularly for spiritual reasons but their stories and characterisations speak to me a lot

And lastly, favourite recent selfie on your camera roll:

Apparently I gotta tag people now so uuuhhhh @enbeeees and @fluffyboissculptedboishissybois I'm curious what you guys would answer 😁😁

5 notes · View notes

sage-nebula · 4 years

Note

mannnnn thank you for validating my dimitri salt because the fandom take of (usually f!)byleth """saving""" him with their (usually her) """warm hand""" etc. etc. gives me the heebie jeebies. i get that there's a lot of young people in this fandom who haven't necessarily worked out yet that no one should feel responsible for "changing" their significant other! but seeing it everywhere is annoying and i'd rather be over here in my own private salt mine, thank you very much >:(

You are very welcome. Putting the rest of my response under a cut so those who don’t wish to see this don’t have to.

First off, as a disclaimer, I just want to say: I don’t think you necessarily have to be young to be attracted to the “power of love saves all” trope, and I am also a firm believer that you can enjoy something in fiction without endorsing / liking it in real life. I myself am a fan of some dark tropes; I love drama and angst, and I have been known to put characters into downright awful situations that I would never want anyone to suffer through in real life. Fiction serves many purposes, but one of those purposes is to allow people to explore ideas that are dark or terrible in safe avenues that hurt no one. This is why there has been fiction that depicts things like gruesome murders, for example, for centuries. People who write books about murderers (usually) don’t actually murder people themselves, nor do they want anyone to be murdered. They’re just telling a story they thought might be interesting, and others who enjoy that type of story (but also probably aren’t murderers and wouldn’t want to murder anyone in real life) are reading it. So it’s entirely possible that people who are drawn to the idea of F!Byleth “saving” Dimitri from his “darkness” with the power of her love are adults, and are also people who wouldn’t go for that sort of thing in real life. That’s completely possible, and I don’t begrudge those people for it. You do you, and all that. If that’s your type of thing, great. More power to you.

But as you’ve gathered from your posts, I personally don’t like it at all.

I haven’t finished Azure Moon yet, but so far I hate … pretty much everything about the way Dimitri’s character has shaken out, and how his relationship with Byleth is being forced now. Because let’s get one thing clear: Dimitri’s feelings that Byleth “saved” him are almost as much of a 180 as his feelings regarding not wanting to kill Edelgard, with potentially even less explanation if you can swallow that he, for some reason, believed that Patricia was the first Flame Emperor because Cornelia (enemy and known liar) said so as she was dying right off the bat without any proof to back up the claim. When Dimitri first saw Byleth after five years, he at first thought they were a ghost, and then accused them of being a spy, and THEN went on to say that he didn’t really care either way so long as he could keep murdering people (and still later said that he would “use [Byleth] and [their] friends until [their] flesh fell from their bones” so, yikes). It wasn’t until Dimitri saw Dedue that there was any sign of his behavior changing even slightly. Dedue’s reunion got the romantic sounding music. Dedue brought out the softness in Dimitri. Dedue comes across as a far more natural love interest for Dimitri than Byleth ever could. Once Rodrigue kicks the bucket, Dimitri still pushes Byleth away until he breaks down into a Woe Is Me speech and Byleth offers their hand. At that point Dimitri’s gratitude and fondness for Byleth begins being pushed very hard, in a way that feels unnatural and unrealistic given how he’d behaved up until that point. If Dimitri had been more broken up and touched at Byleth’s reappearance after five years, sure, maybe. But as it stands it feels unnatural, and leads me as a player to believe that Byleth flat out just did not mean as much to Dimitri as they meant to Claude or especially Edelgard.

But all of that—the bad writing, of which there are other instances in Azure Moon, to the point where in my opinion this feels like the Conquest of Three Houses—is a minor issue. The bigger issue is the fact that the game pushes that we’re supposed to sympathize with Dimitri and see him as a tragically heroic figure when I … don’t, at all, for multiple reasons.

The first, and perhaps biggest, issue is the way his trauma and mental illness is being used by the narrative as the defining reason for why we should sympathize with him. Dimitri was traumatized when he was about fourteen by seeing his parents, friends, and others killed brutally in front of him during the Tragedy in Duscur. (Note that in this same incident Dedue witnessed GENOCIDE CARRIED OUT ON HIS PEOPLE, HIS FAMILY MURDERED RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM, but the trauma that he should have from this is basically never touched upon, and instead he acts as though people from Faerghus—you know, the kingdom that COMMITTED GENOCIDE AGAINST HIS PEOPLE—should not associate with him lest it stain their reputations. Hmm. Hmmm.) Somehow, at the tender age of fourteen, Dimitri went on a brutal killing tirade during this incident, delighting in bloodshed, which understandably disturbed and traumatized Felix (whose own brother was slain during that incident, mind, albeit not by Dimitri obviously), who then cut ties with him, not wanting to be friends with someone like that anymore. (Note: Everyone acts as though Felix was the bad one for this, rather than thinking it reasonable to not want to be friends with someone who delights in murder and bloodshed.) As a result of all of this, Dimitri regularly hallucinates the ghosts of his dead relatives and friends, and devotes his entire life to avenging them by murdering whoever was responsible for the Tragedy of Duscur, as well as whoever gets in his way of accomplishing that. (Note: “Who was responsible” is something Dimitri will accept with basically no evidence. He believes Edelgard was responsible because she called herself the Flame Emperor and wore a similar outfit to the one he saw back then. Never mind that she is his age and thus was also a fourteen-year-old child at the time; no, he believes she must have magically made herself the size of an adult and was capable of killing not only her own mother, but also his father (who carried a Hero’s Relic!) and countless others. Because that makes sense.)

So. It’s clear that Dimitri has deep-seated trauma, and it’s understandable that he would have trauma from such a grisly, horrible event. It is also true that not everyone reacts to trauma in the same way, and that there is a definite stigma against those who don’t react to their trauma in ways that people can twist to be “cute” or “endearing”. I’ve talked about the Good Survivor vs. Bad Survivor dichotomy among fans on my blog before, and I stand by everything that I said. However, there are several key points to keep in mind:

Not all behaviors can be classed as just “Good” or “Bad”, and furthermore, even if two behaviors are agreed upon to be “Bad”, that doesn’t mean they’re on the same scale. Being asocial and snapping verbally at people isn’t the behavior of a “Good” Survivor, but it’s also not nearly as bad as actually murdering people and doing it as slowly and painfully as possible. Getting on someone’s case because their trauma makes them reluctant to socialize or trust isn’t the same as calling them out for torturing people to death. This shouldn’t have to be said, but this is tumblr, so I’m going to say it.

Succinctly, a shitty past does not excuse a shitty present. Yes, Dimitri was traumatized. No, this DOES NOT justify his actions even before the timeskip, much less after it. Similarly, Dimitri lampshading that his behavior is bad and calling himself ~a monster~ doesn’t make it better, either. If anything, it makes it worse, because Dimitri knows that what he’s doing is horrible and he continues to do it anyway. Just because you’ve been traumatized (rather through a single incident or years of abuse or whatever) doesn’t give you a free pass to do whatever you want. You are accountable for your actions and behaviors, always. Trauma may explain why you behave the way you do, but it does not excuse it.

The problem with the narrative portrayal of Dimitri on Azure Moon (and arguably Verdant Wind as well, since we had an Alas Poor Dimitri moment when he was killed on Verdant Wind despite him literally calling for the deaths of everyone on the field in that path, straight up telling Claude to his face that he was going to kill him) is that the game pretty much flat out tells you that you should sympathize with Dimitri because of his trauma. Oh sure, Felix calls Dimitri “the boar prince” and routinely chews him out, but if you tell Felix that you’re not going to talk to Dimitri shortly after the timeskip, Felix tells you to “not give up so easily” and that Dimitri surrendered his humanity in pursuit of becoming a better killer, as if that’s supposed to make him sympathetic. Rodrigue tells Byleth that he wishes that he had the courage to “scold” Dimitri, but doesn’t actually do anything about it. And every single person present, including both Rodrigue and Gilbert, go along with whatever Dimitri wants, even when what he wants ignores the problem of the fact that Faerghus citizens are starving to death in the streets because of the situation in the capital. Dimitri flat out tells EVERYONE that he is all but abdicating his duties as king in the name of revenge, but rather than Rodrigue or someone else experienced coming to the logical conclusion taht he is therefore no longer fit to be king and relieving him of those duties (not necessarily violently; I doubt he would have put up an argument), they instead just go, “welp, nothing we can do about it we guess” and go along with what he wants, leaving the people to suffer, because Dimitri is of the Blaiddyd bloodline and, well, he’s a sad boy and they feel bad for him.

I shouldn’t have to say it, but I’m going to: This is disgusting. It’s disgusting that Dimitri’s trauma is used as a way to try to make the player feel bad for him despite the atrocities he commits time and again right there on screen. When Byleth first returns to the monastery after five years, it’s to find that he’s decorated the place with Empire soldier corpses. Byleth has to mercy kill Randolph before Dimitri can rip out his eyes, something Dimitri grows angry with them for. Dimitri says, immediately after that, the line that has stuck with me: “I’ll use you and your friends until your flesh falls from your bones.” He’s told that the people in Fhirdiad are starving and dying in the streets and need help and he flat out says he doesn’t care. He relishes in bloodshed and crows at every opportunity about how he wants to kill. While both Claude and Edelgard look regretful about the battle at Gronder Field, Dimitri just once again roars about how he wants his soldiers to kill every single person present. And through it all, we’re told that this is okay and we should forgive and feel sorry for him because he’s traumatized. It’s not really his fault, it’s just, ooh, that darn trauma!

As someone who has C-PTSD from years and years of abuse, I can’t begin to tell you how much narratives like this infuriate me. Those of us with trauma aren’t mindless infants who are unaware of our surroundings and incapable of controlling our behavior. When I say “a shitty past doesn’t excuse a shitty present” and “traumatized individuals are responsibel for their behavior,” I say that from the perspective of someone with trauma that affects me to this day. My abuse was such that sometimes I still have nightmares about my biological mother that leave me dazed and distracted for the whole day. I’ve really been through it. But I’m also 100% responsible for my own behavior. It’s my responsibility, and no one else’s, to make sure that I don’t hurt others. If I do something wrong, that’s on me, and my trauma will never excuse or justify it.

So for the narrative of Three Houses to act as though Dimitri’s rampant murder, (attempted) torture, and love for bloodshed and violence is excusable and forgivable because of his trauma is infuriating to me. It’s infuriating to me how, after that insipid ~warm hand~ moment, Dimitri launches into constant Woe Is Me speeches where we’re meant to reassure him that it’s okay that he committed so many murders for no reason other than to quench his blood thirst, it’s okay that he wanted to use his former friends as meat shields to get what he wanted, it’s okay he abandoned his people to die in the streets, that he’s still a good and worthy king and ~just what Faerghus needs~. We’re supposed to see his return to Fhirdiad as a good thing, an inspiring moment. We’re supposed to side with him when he (I assume) later acts the hypocrite by telling Edelgard that People Dying Is Wrong and that she should surrender to him instead. (Never mind that deaths caused by Edelgard’s actions were caused as a result of a war that was necessary to take down the Church of Seiros, which actually had been ruling all of Fodlan under the guise of letting the different territories rule themselves for ages, while Dimitri just killed Empire soldiers for his own blood thirst and revenge, but you know. If you ask most of the people in the fandom, Saint Didi can do no wrong.)

But the thing is, all of that is bullshit. It wasn’t okay that he committed so many murders for the sake of his own revenge fantasies and blood lust. It wasn’t okay that he wanted his former friends to be his meat shields. It wasn’t okay that he abandoned his people. None of that was okay. And I don’t want to sit here and console him and make him feel better just because he apologies and cries about how he’s The Biggest Monster Ever as a result of his actions. Because a.) his actions were monstrous, and b.) that’s an emotionally manipulative tactic, and I’m here for none of it.

Before I go any further, let me state flat out: I’m not calling Dimitri an emotional abuser. I don’t think that was the intent behind those Woe Is Me pity parties of his, from a writing standpoint, and therefore that’s not what he’s thinking he’s doing when he goes on them. I will call Dimitri many things, including a murderer, but I won’t call him an emotional abuser because I don’t think that was the intent in the writing. However, regardless of whether that was the intent in the writing or not, it doesn’t change the fact that one of the oldest tricks in the emotional manipulation book is, when emotional manipulators / abusers are called out on their behaviors and forced to answer to the things they’ve done, they’ll flip the script and start degarding themselves and talking about how awful they are so their victims end up comforting them. A very basic demonstration of what I mean:

Victim: “It really hurts me when you act like you can’t trust me and go through my phone to see who I’ve been talking to. I feel like my privacy is being violated and like you think I’m dishonest.”

Manipulator: “You’re right, I know I should trust you more. I just get so insecure and scared that you’ll leave me.”

Victim: “I know you deal with insecurity, but that doesn’t give you a right to go through my things. It really upsets me when you do this.”

Manipulator: “I know, I’m such a horrible person. I’m the worst partner. You deserve so much better than me, I understand that you hate me, I’m just the worst and am absolutely useless and terrible and not fit to be even your friend, much less your partner.”

Victim: “No, wait, that’s not true …”

And on and on. Even if they pepper in “I’m sorry”s in there, it’s never once a genuine apology, because they spend so much time tearing themselves down in an exaggerated fashion that the victim feels like they have to comfort the person who hurt them. Similarly, when Dimitri goes on his speeches about how he’s ~unworthy to be king~ or a monster or whatever, the answer choices given are Byleth comforting him one way or the other. We’re never given an option (beyond telling Felix we won’t talk to Dimitri right after the time skip) to tell Dimitri that he is awful, that he doesn’t deserve to be king, or really to revoke our support in any way at all. And because Byleth is not given that option, the narrative is telling us that the correct “choice” (because there really isn’t one) is to sympathize with and empower Dimitri despite how heinous is behavior is. Because Dimitri was traumatized, poor thing, and thus it’s okay that he brutally murdered all those people for no reason other than his own satisfaction.

(Note: The game never once says “revenge is wrong because it just breeds more revenge.” Even though it seemed like they were going that way with Randolph and Fleche, it’s not Fleche wanting to murder Dimitri that makes Dimitri realize that what he’s been doing is fucked up, it’s Rodrigue dying defending him from Fleche. So even if you wanted to say that Dimitri being blood thirsty and out for revenge was meant to teach him a lesson about how he should behave, it’s not, because that’s not a lesson he ever actually picks up on.)

And that finally ties into what I think you were driving at in your ask (boy, I’ve been at this for a long time), which is the narrative of someone “saving” someone else with their love. By telling the player that they, as Byleth, should excuse and forgive Dimitri for his atrocities because he was traumatized and sad, the narrative (and all the characters in the narrative) are basically pushing Byleth to be Dimitri’s therapist. And as I said in the tags on one of my Azure Moon hate posts (or maybe on twitter, I can’t remember, it all blends together), I am not here for that.

Aside from the fact that both Edelgard and Claude seem to genuinely care for Byleth the whole way through, the other primary difference between them and Dimitri is the fact that Byleth doesn’t have to play therapist for either of them. Claude, for the most part, doesn’t have any major traumas; he did have to grow up being outcasted for being mixed race, and that is its own kind of trauma which I am in NO WAY diminishing, but that trauma he faced was the more realistic type of trauma that people in real life face every day. He is still the most well-adjusted of the three. As for Edelgard, she is in my opinion even more traumatized than Dimitri, but not only is her trauma handled in such a way that it’s never used as an excuse for her behavior (the experiences that traumatized her helped her form the beliefs that spur her actions, but her actions always route back to those beliefs, not to “ghosts made me do it”), but she also pretty much keeps her trauma to herself as best she can and never hinges her emotional stability on Byleth. Yes, Byleth’s presence helps balance Edelgard since Byleth is a secondary confidant and can therefore offer counter-influence to Hubert’s toxic influence (not bashing Hubert here, I’m just saying, he is the WORST influence), but although it’s made clear that Edelgard deeply missed Byleth for the past five years to the point of lamenting about it constantly to the rest of the Black Eagle Strike Force, she also kept her shit together and didn’t wantonly murder people as a result of Byleth’s absence. When she comes to Byleth with issues, they’re usually tactics or strategy related. Byleth is only ever able to learn about Edelgard’s past in late night moments of emotional vulnerability, such as after a nightmare. And even then, Edelgard sharing those moments is less “HEAL MY PAST TRAUMA AND MAKE ME BETTER, PROFESSOR” and more “okay, I trust you enough to tell you this.” It’s not about helping stabilize Edelgard, it’s about earning enough of Edelgard’s trust to learn of her past.

This is in stark contrast to Dimitri, who, again, is completely off his shits, and him being off his shits is treated as a problem that Byleth (/the player) needs to “fix.” Felix tells you to do something about Dimitri. Rodrigue asks you to steer Dimitri in a better direction. Gilbert and Dedue both thank you for “saving” Dimitri even before he finishes being off his shits. The Azure Moon route is about forcing Byleth into the position of therapist and having them do emotional labor for Dimitri, which is hilarious if you think about how Byleth didn’t even start having emotions until teaching at the academy, but also unbelievably aggravating to me, as a player, because I don’t want to be a therapist for a murderous sadboy. I don’t like Dimitri. I don’t approve of his actions or behaviors. And I don’t give a shit what his reasons are for it. I’m not here to be his therapist or do that emotional labor, and I shouldn’t have to be. No one should have to be, except a paid therapist, and only because they’re being paid and have agreed to take on the job. But even then, Dimitri is still his own responsiblity. He is a grown fucking man. It shouldn’t be my or anyone else’s job to do this for him. Neither Edelgard or Claude (or Yuri, for that matter, in Cindered Shadows) required this much emotional labor and bullshit, for fucksake.

But of course, in all of this, I think what gets me more than anything present in the entire game is the fact how, from what I’ve seen, people in fandom by and large worship Dimitri and bend themselves into pretzels painting him as heroic while simultaneously spitting bile at Edelgard and making her out to be a villain. The contrast in their respective pages on TV Tropes is stark. I know I shouldn’t be surprised, given that Edelgard is a woman (and a queer woman, at that) and Dimitri is a blond white boy, and that’s just the way these things tend to be, but it still pisses me off and frustrates me to no end. Fandoms are simultaneously the best and worst of times and this will likely never change. (But honestly, if Edelgard’s role was filled by the blond white pretty boy while Dimitri’s was filled by the woman, I guarantee you that reception to them would be flipped right around. Guarantee.)

Anyway, this turned into a huge rant. I didn’t even expect it to be this long when I started writing. But suffice to say that while I’ve not yet finished Azure Moon, it’s currently my least favorite of the routes I’ve played (best is Crimson Flower, then Cindered Shadows because shut up I’m counting it, then Verdant Wind, and then Azure Moon; I’m ignoring the existence of Silver Snow since I cannot imagine ever not siding with Edelgard when I’ve chosen the Black Eagles), and I cannot stand Didi. He is the worst of the House Leaders by far. Considering how much he has in common with Rhea, it shouldn’t be surprising I feel this way about him, but boy, do I feel this way about him. So go ahead and feel validated, anon. You will not find Didi or Azure Moon love on this blog. You are not alone in this, trust.

#this got so long wow #but i mean every word #fucking hate azure moon and cannot stand Dimitri #this is a Didi Alexandre hate blog #(well not really since dedicating a blog to hatred for a fictional character is stupid but)#(you know what I mean)#also it really is fucked up how Didi's trauma over the Tragedy at Duscur is highlighted so much #and he's treated as being so tragic because of it #but Dedue watching his people be genocided and then being discriminated against for his race #is like . . . completely glossed over #and he's OKAY with it and encourages The Whites not to interact with him lest their rep be tarnished #and also is okay with it bc of White Savior Didi #g o d #fucking nasty #worst route #(again not counting Silver Snow in rankings bc I won't play it bc what is the point)#(how could anyone side with Rhea over Edelgard)#(that route doesn't exist tyvm)#anyway #rant over now i promise #fire emblem: three houses #dimitri alexandre blaiddyd #Anonymous #meta

6 notes · View notes

swampgallows · 5 years

Note

Kinda random and if you're not comfortable answering it's totally fine, but since you've mentioned your own "journey" with discovering you're asexual lately in some posts, could I ask for few more details on that? If it's not too personal? Like, were you generally off-put by intimacy or more a case of "it's okay I guess, it has to be done, but I'd be happy without"? Again, if not too personal

hey first thanks for understanding the very sensitive nature of this question. but it is an important one, and i want to do whatever i can to increase awareness about the diversity of the asexual experience. A lot of stories regarding the asexual “awakening” are usually people saying “Well, I was never interested, and then I learned it had a name.” For me, that wasn’t the case.

There’s some TMI below, including mentions of CSA, rape, abuse, sexual activity, and masturbation.

***

Accepting asexuality was difficult at first because I was always under the impression that I couldn’t be asexual if I fell in love with people. When it came to actual sex, though, I had always viewed it as this faraway “maybe” that Future Me had to deal with, rather than something I actively pursued or desired. My romantic partners did, however, so I was forced to confront the subject.

In high school, my peers were more comfortable with me being a closet pervert than having no sexual attraction whatsoever. This resulted in me faking or exaggerating attraction, usually to fictional characters, to seem more ‘normal’. By feigning that I had very picky or even impossible standards, I could imitate sexual attraction without having to be sexually active. Once I started dating and sex became an actual possibility, I found myself dreading it more and more. I “gave” as often as I could—anything to stave off “receiving”/penetration as long as possible. Throughout my teens and twenties I ran the gamut of kink and fetish and whatever, trying to figure out if maybe I just hadn’t found my “thing” yet, until I realized I was only doing it to conform and to please my partners.

I don’t know exactly when I started learning more about asexuality, but it was definitely through tumblr, which led me to AVEN. I actually have my sort-of “liveblogged” reading of the FAQ here, back in 2012 (age 22). Unfortunately a lot of my first exposure on tumblr came from skeptical LGBTQ bloggers and/or radfems, so I got a lot of misinformation and hatred at first. But I started following ace-specific blogs, learning about awareness and aphobia, and through further self-analysis began identifying as asexual.

I’m unfortunately also a CSA and abuse survivor, so that’s skewed a lot of my perception of what a healthy sexual identity or relationship looks like. Even up until my mid-twenties, fully embracing my asexual identity, I was still self-harming with sex. So if anyone says “Oh, you’re just asexual because you’re traumatized”, nah. I’m not asexual because sex was bad and traumatizing; sex was bad and traumatizing because I am asexual. All sex was sex I didn’t want to have, but I had it because I thought I had to do so in order to be loved. Now I’m further along in my healing that I don’t feel pressured to prove that I’m asexual “but not broken, and I can still have sex!” anymore.

An asexual identity gave me greater agency because I realized I was never obligated to have or enjoy sex. EVER. And so, if there is ever a time in which I feel like I might want to try it out again (for instance, should I ever be in a romantic relationship again) I can engage in the act without feeling incomplete or broken waiting for some epiphany that will never come. And since I was no longer pressured to feel sexual attraction toward anyone, I was later able to accept and identify as bi-ace, or biromantic asexual. There’s probably a “gray” thrown in there somewhere too, but I’ll figure that one out eventually.

***

Learning about asexuality also helped me more confidently maintain my sexual health. I became more open to things like masturbation because I didn’t feel like it had to be “preparation” for “the real thing”, as one of my doctors had put it. It can begin and end with masturbation, and I’m never obligated to do it, and I don’t have to do it for anybody but myself. Sex always felt like a performance for me, one that resulted in affection being taken away if i wasn’t “providing” for my partner.

I didn’t really feel an active desire to masturbate up until a few years ago too, so if you’re under 25, asexual, and feel like something’s wrong with you because you’re not masturbating or don’t like it, don’t worry about it. I used to be really uncomfortable with masturbation, even scared of it, and for a long time it felt wrong. A huge reason why I didn’t want to do it was because everybody told me I was fucked up for not already wanting it, or that I was in denial of my womanhood or some shit like that. On top of that, my partners pressured me to masturbate “for them” so often that it never felt like something for my own enjoyment; it was about proving to them that I wasn’t broken, or proving that I actually could orgasm, or that I was woman enough, or that I knew my body, or what the fuck ever. It was never about me having a good time, not really. It was about seguing to “well, if you can masturbate, then you can have sex.”

Masturbation is supposed to feel good. You have nothing to prove to anybody. If you don’t wanna do it, you don’t ever have to do it. If you feel like you “should” be doing it “by now”, don’t worry about it. Nobody’s keeping score. If you wanna try it out, go ahead! For a long time I was also scared about doing it alone, partially because I felt embarrassed and stupid but mostly because I felt like I was “wasting a performance” (due to trauma, internalized misogyny, etc.). These pressures have been so strong that up until recently, I struggled to “finish” because I felt forced, even within my own brain where nobody can see, to think of socially-approved sexual thoughts. When I thought instead about intimate things that made me happy, regardless of whether or not they might be “sexy” to some imaginary partner, I felt much more comfortable and fulfilled.

I’m kinda getting off-track with the masturbation talk but I’m just mentioning it because it’s a perspective that I wish somebody had offered me instead of just pitying me (or offering to help… YUCK!). When you don’t experience sexual attraction on top of having trauma, satiating bodily urges can be a challenge.

Ultimately… I love intimacy, and I crave physical closeness. I’m quite a cuddlebug with the people I love and trust, but that intimacy has been earned and cultivated over years and years of proven safety and understanding. I am hypervigilant about any of my actions being interpreted as sexual (or even romantic, which is another can of worms), which makes me a bit bitchy and cold at times. But until the world understands and accepts asexuality better, I have to be my own bulwark. I also have a lot of trauma and mental illness to learn to deal with, and I’m trudging along trying to get therapy in the meantime.

That’s the journey so far, I guess.

#asexuality #anon #ask #rape tw /#csa tw /#abuse cw /#tmi

12 notes · View notes

mot-hesbian · 2 years

Text

I posted 1,921 times in 2021

33 posts created (2%)

1888 posts reblogged (98%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 57.2 posts.

I added 113 tags in 2021

#gossip girl - 22 posts

#jenny humphrey - 15 posts

#harlot speaks - 12 posts

#lily van der woodsen - 10 posts

#rufly - 10 posts

#riverdale - 9 posts

#harlot writes - 9 posts

#dan humphrey - 9 posts

#rufus humphrey - 9 posts

#tua - 8 posts

Longest Tag: 55 characters

#i'm sure there are other fandoms i'm not thinking about

My Top Posts in 2021

Which is better?

I have decided not to choose. I vibe with all the gays things I probably shouldn't ship.

11 notes • Posted 2021-07-19 16:56:19 GMT

I'm opening shop for fic requests!

Send me a sentence prompt (e.g. "Why are you like this?"), a short (1 or 2 sentence) story idea, or a trope for a certain character, duo, or ship and I'll write a fic for it!

Fandoms include:

Gossip Girl (my specialties are (in order) Jenny, Lily, Blair, Dan, and Eric (although I will write for other characters if asked to). Ships I specialize in are Jenny x Agnes, rufly, Lily x William (I don't ship them, but I am fascinated by the toxicity), dair, blairena, blenny, etc.)

Gilmore Girls (Luke, Lorelai, Jess, Rory, Paris, Emily, and Richard probably, ships include Rory x Paris, Luke x Lorelai, Richard x Emily, and maybe some background Dean x Rory or Rory x Jess. I would like to explore possible Jess x Dean tho ngl.)

Riverdale (Alice, Fp, Hermione, Betty (my Betty is either a rep of how toxic she is on the show or an ooc version of her cuz I'm salty about bad mental illness rep), Jughead (no whump or woobifying him, he is a regular character who deals with less bs bc I don't feel like writing over the top bs in my stories...at least not to the extent of the show), VERONICA, Archie, JOSIE, TONI, and Cheryl. Ships I'm good at are Beronica, Falice, Barchie, Veggie, Jarchie, Jeronica, I'd be willing to watch season 5 to learn about Jabitha so I could write that, Choni, etc.)

I'll add more when I'm in a better headspace for other fandoms rn I'm hyperfixating.

Send in an ask if you're interested!

12 notes • Posted 2021-09-20 20:57:40 GMT

It took a day and a half but I got the prom queen Vera ending!!! First non-rejection ending cuz my ass started simping the moment I saw her.

14 notes • Posted 2021-04-26 22:29:43 GMT

Hey y'all! I just made a Gossip Girl Discord server!

It's mainly for Rufly, Dair, and Serenate fans but almost anyone is welcome!

If you don't like Dair, Rufly, or Serenate this server probably won't be for you. It is a place for Dair, Rufly, and Serenate fans to vibe and headcanon.

This server is also not Ch*ck B*ss friendly, Chip Whiskers and Ch*ir fans stay away

This is also a pro Jenny Humphrey and Vanessa Abrams server, if you don't like them dni. It really is that simple. They didn't do anything worse than any other character, you might just be classist.

DM if you are interested in joining

23 notes • Posted 2021-08-04 22:38:50 GMT

Y'all, The Beautiful by Renée Ahdieh really is just Twilight with more horror based vampires, murder mystery, and lots of queer coding.

It is quite literally the gayest thing I've ever read.

Also, poc and proper representation galore!!!

32 notes • Posted 2021-09-05 15:18:44 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

I have many feelings about this fucking mess

Also

Wtf???

#my 2021 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review #i have regrets #Yet also #no shame #Harlot speaks

0 notes

iidsch · 2 years

Text

Under the keep reading so I don't clog everyone dashboards 👁👄👁

I posted 8001 times in 2021

321 posts created (4%)

7680 posts reblogged (96%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 23.9 posts.

I added 6186 tags in 2021

#misc - 1636 posts

#good words - 788 posts

#fashion - 766 posts

#art reblogs - 711 posts

#m - 467 posts

#places - 421 posts

#objects - 356 posts

#sonic - 356 posts

#people - 353 posts

#eurovision - 332 posts

Longest Tag: 137 characters

#hello this is super cool the background is soooo amazing and i absolutely love how detailed this is.... i'm literally speechless 💖💕💖💕

My Top Posts in 2021

Wonder egg priority ep 10 spoilers ahead!

_______________________

just some thoughts™ but I’m actually very relieved by the fact that we got a canon trans character in the series, even if it’s not Momoe herself. In fact I’d say that I actually prefer it to be this way, because this confirms that the creators of Wonder Egg Priority support trans people, while at the same time Momoe’s identity (whether she’s a trans woman or just a butch woman) is open to interpretation.

I was kinda scared at first when the topic about trans Momoe came out because the series didn’t confirm it despite her character being built around the theme of not being seen as a girl, and this could have ended up meaning that the WEP writers weren’t comfortable with trans people and didn’t want to have such a character, which would have been very disappointing, especially considering the heavy feminist themes of the series (and feminism must include trans people or it’s not feminism at all).

However, after this episode, we know that they are okay with having trans characters, even if that character is not Momoe. But, as I said in the beginning, I think this is a good choice to make in regards to her character, because this means that different people can feel represented by Momoe’s struggles with identity, whether they are trans or cis. I’ve already seen some posts talking about how trans women and butch women have very similar experiences, so it’s perfectly fair for both of them to see themselves in Momoe. And considering that the series tries to represent struggles and traumas of all kinds, it's a good thing that they aren't limiting their characters' experiences with labels.

I’m still hoping for Momoe to be a trans woman tho, because that would be amazing, and after this episode I have even more reasons to think she is, but also I understand that representation of different groups can be a difficult thing to achieve, especially when you have very few characters to play with.

29 notes • Posted 2021-03-17 01:42:30 GMT

'The special episode will be an hour-long!' Half of it it's just a recap

69 notes • Posted 2021-06-29 18:48:56 GMT

You know, as bad as the ending of wep was, I'm still very thankful about this anime. We got a canonically trans guy in the series (which is really huge!!), and I'm very impressed by all the metaphors of dealing with trauma/mental illness and seeking help + the feminist undertones and lgbtq themes of the anime, like this is not the kind of anime you see normally, so I'm glad that at least it got a chance to be out there

Really sucks that near the end it got so whacky and lost any consistency, and I do think we were very let down with our expectations, but I will very fondly remember the two first thirds of the anime because they were great and really enjoyed them

I don't think it'll get a sequel, and tbh I'd rather just leave it like this and move on into another thing, but hey, maybe in the future we will get a different anime that becomes what wep couldn't

Anyway it was fun being in this fandom with everyone and enjoying the anime together, hopefully we will meet each other in another fandom, see y'all 💖

85 notes • Posted 2021-06-29 19:46:28 GMT

NETHERLANDS NOOOO THEY WERE REALLY NICE :(

160 notes • Posted 2021-05-22 22:35:59 GMT

FINLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND

302 notes • Posted 2021-05-22 20:15:58 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

#my 2021 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review #m #the fact that my top posts are about wep..... the tragedy #and the finland one???? still a mystery that it got so many attention but thanks i guess #the longest tag was no surprise because this bitch (me) talks too much on the tags #i write in the tags like i'm talking with my bestie through the phone at 22h while moving my legs and reading teen magazines

0 notes

pokefanbri · 4 years

Text

1st I have to say this b4 I repeat the post from fb. This is a place where I can speak my mind freely without judgement, speak my peace even. Which is exactly what im gonna do so prepare for a read. So think what u want idc, but the last thing I wanna do is tick some1 I know off cause on some level there's a mutual appreciation & respect regardless of my impression. And anyone that reads this isn't obligated to understand my opinion & I dont expect u to. With my brain its my thought process to let information out of my head so I can put things aside, observe & absorb more lol. Writing is another tool or coping mechanism for my anxieties & other psych ailments, treatment for my mental health depends on it & other hobbies in other words, especially during shutdown, something to focus on. Heck even youtube is recommended by my doctor if it keeps me happy lol. But because ill be working again, I may not have time to do alot of things I like sadly..idk i just wouldnt want to be burnt out & focus on more important things. I have a high respect for anyone working around people during this time & it must worrisome for u too, means I have to keep on my toes as well soon..its a scary world out there for an introvert but I was killin it in NY too. It was just a slow steady process with all the limitations & moving my life up there wasn't easy to begin with but I pulled through & did it all...only for it to be taken away.

So, I'm an Irish, German, Canadian,British Mut from tucson. Maternal & paternal immidiate families lineage mixed made me, including my NY blood from my bio dad. The rest is all over Europe but u get the idea. Tucson may be where i was born & my 1st home without a father & raised not knowing (were mardi gras babies btw 😒)

But NY is & will forever be my 2nd home i dont care what any1 says, I felt I belonged there. Its the other half of me quite literally.Theres a memory that's really been bugging me. Last day b4 i left it, a bald eagle flew across my path in the sky no joke going NE & I was departing back to the SW. I chose the eagle years ago cause I identify with it. including the background symbolism in different phases of my life that included them lol, but to actually see one was just amazing.

They symbolize strength+freedom in general despite it standing for the country from sea to shining sea lol. Also Braviary was always in my pokemon team besides pikachu since its gen came out lol. I've always been strong, whether some believe it to be true or not is their problem, only I know the things I've gone through. Point is different ends of the spectrum its always been with me throughout in some way & im glad i got to share it with someone that gave me the freedom I needed.

But yea I experienced what its like to be there & got to know that part of me even if I didn't find him & maybe didnt care...I feel I was meant to be there. I was in touch with my roots, lower Temps & above sea level rather than high temps & below sea level 🤣 I loved everything about my time up there. It'll always be a part of me, & I hope to see it again. But I digress.

But in regards to the relationship itself, emphasizing on what i said b4. Just as it i got "settled" in it was gone & I had no clue what was happening without my knowledge, the whole plan to bring me back, all of it, the whole chain of events that unfolded the way it did starting with leaving a marriage in the 1st place to be with him i mean come on lol. Chasing a dream that didn't play out the way we had hoped. I took leap of faith & I ended up starting over twice in 1 year with no benefit of the doubt. I still have my ny health insurance for the rest of the yr, I have to add it to my list to apply again in az. Ive been wearing the wrong prescription glasses for 6 months under quarantine & they're just now getting to stage 4 of opening lol. Just understand how frustrating that actually is for someone like me & u totally get it 😅 U want to take care of business but sometimes you're limited & gotta work around it. had all that covered there & then was told I settled, wrong thing to say & its no wonder I didn't blow up in his face right there & then 😒. But I have retraint & can control myself. Though it was out of my hands the new relationship didn't have to go sour, been just as long if not more, could've actually thrived given the proper balance with room to grow. Idk, Sometimes I honestly don't think anyone believed in me. I mean I have no debt, no record, no kids, im a clean slate type of girl lol. Yes I did end up feeling unappreciated, underestimated, a bit neglected, insecure about my body, ashamed for being myself, & I shouldn't have to feel that way at all & if that happens there obviously something off. I just didnt know what it is he wanted & needed, i wanted to help & be a good partner to this dude but why is it bad to ask the same in return? I shouldn't have to drastically change myself to fit someones standard i know, but...i needed the old him back, I missed the old us & wanted to get back to that.. Was always so closed off & probably ended up in his own head who knows, maybe there was guilt for some of the things he did & didnt want to hurt me anymore, spare my feelings any more than it did b4 it was too late.idk whatever the excuse i still don't know what triggered it all to fail so easily & i don't think i ever will. But ending up with the conclusion that I was the problem, its narcissistic to even believe that & i won't accept it. Not when he can't confront his own issuse & put blame onto himself too.. it was a low blow & literally felt like my heart was pierced at the sound of it. If im to blame its the other way around as well. My point of view wasn't acknowledged so this is my take & experiences of happened so plz dont hate me for speaking my truth.

But yea I can tell when somethings not right & feel strong empathy for others emotions. I knew something was different, there were signs everywhere since the mistrust started & during the last half of that time with him I questioned everything but sat in my own headspace as well as he did just thinking about it. If anything we failed eachother, the blame is on us both but idk what else i could've done to get through to him. That's the stubbornness, he wouldn't budge. Despite how things went down..Leaves me to think, what was the point of having me there in the 1st place, to not follow through with our shared hopes & dreams but instead spiral into such resentment for me that the interest faded. But at the at the same time...even if it ended early for him, I didn't give up & I fought to keep us okay which it was for the most part. Hindsight is 20/20, it definitely wasn't negative all the time. In fact things were great between us & acted like goofballs together, that right there is a friend despite if the stronger feelings weren't mutual. Nobody with hate in their heart acts like that, he was good, the best, cheered me up when I was down, shared interests & did things for eachother. But that alone makes me question what was truth & what was fiction sometimes ever since the trust between us started to fade. Am I in the right to feel what im feeling right now? Im angry & upset yes very, but the kindness he had throughout..he did care in his own way...which makes things so much harder.

Tripadoodle if some way you're listening, I hope u know now where im coming from. For your own benefit & quest to be a better man like you always wanted...actually try. Head my advice. Making yourself better shouldn't be put on a womans shoulders to do for u without her getting lifted in return...its alot of weight to handle for 1 person to carry lol. Get off your ass & build on yourself, learn from everything that happened & become better for yourself & the sake of others, Because it starts with u. Go to church if possible or watch them, it really does help. Even from across the country I still want u to do just as good & help u as a friend. You promised we could remain friends & im holding my end of the bargain whether u like it or not lol it was your idea during the ride here. All I wanted in the end was to not lose u in my life completely...but i should be patient i know.. Theres more space, im not contacting u directly & respecting that, eventually ill stfu lol but I feel I need this rn. I should hate u,but I cant hate u, I do still care, u had that affect on me so much that I can't really listen to others when they say ur a douchbag lol, u were still my rock the whole time even if u didn't feel the same after a while & u did help me alot as well. I see the good in people & u are good, with well balanced snarkiness & humorous sass to boot. light a fire under ur own ass & ull be okay lol. Never stopped believing in u. Ive seen what you can do, you're very smart & know your sh*t, u will go far lol. And as a friend I'd lend u my strength if I could but the most I can do is pray for things like safety/protection, healing, forgiveness, guidance, etc. Leave it to God if u feel compelled to. Give zanabell a hug for me.

God i talk way too much 😅 No im not doing any of this for attention, I want my voice to be heard as well as a possible learning experience if it had that effect on anyone. The things we learn build character & help us understand a little more about ourselves. Probably shouldn't share cuz its nobody's business, yea ive thought of that too.. But its a blog lol, Tumblr allowed it to be that space, opinions and rants are allowed & encouraged. Nothing wrong with that 🤷‍♀️ so who gives a crap.

These are pictures of the NY sunrise & AZ sunset. Clouds always get me cuz of the shapes, used to to take pics of them all the time. once saw mario holding a hammer when I was a kid 😂 3rd & 4th pic is a split rainbow, never seen that b4...either someone found the gold or its deciding whether or not to connect. Probably was connected but I missed it lol. But then I looked behind me after the split 1 disappeared & a double rainbow was forming. Nature can be scary but also beautiful

0 notes

sparklyjojos · 7 years

Note

hey i sent you an ask but internet problematic here so i dunno if it was sent? As someone with no experience with neurodivergent people i was hoping you could elaborate what you have previously said about Kars in JORGE JOESTAR (and other characters maybe) seeming neurodivergent. Like, i'd love to know your headcanons about jojo characters regarding this, as well as reasoning for the headcanon's (optional, but i'd love it)

(wow this one sure took me a long time to answer, sorry!)

oh boy, this would be an extremely long post if I included all other jojo characters I headcanon as nd so I’m just going to focus on Jorge (the Japanese one) and novel Kars for now

this won’t be a “this character definitely has x thing”, but just pointing out traits and dialogue that may interest someone who wants to headcanon/write these characters as nd

am I going to be reaching with some of those? yep! but if the Jorge Joestar novel itself taught me anything, it’s that:

so, you know. I see what I wanna see.

(tw: mental illness, trauma, ptsd, suicide - all in the Kars segment)

Jorge:

– the sheer difference in introductions is telling: English Jorge talks at length about his family, his classmates, his gay puppy crush, and anything else you’d expect to be major concerns for a kid. Japanese Jorge? social life haha what social life, HOPE YOU’RE READY FOR 10 PAGES OF PUZZLE SOLVING

– no really if the very first thing someone says after seeing all your memories is that you sure spend a lot of time on puzzles then that’s some deep interest you have, a bit of a stereotypical hobby there but whatevs

– hyperfocuses a lot??

– (exasperated Kars who’s been trying to get his attention for a good minute:) “You have a bad habit of not hearing when people speak to you.” (Jorge:) “Yeah, if I’m focused on something else. Sorry. What?”

– tunes out of one phone conversation with Bruno like 3 times

– figures out how time-based Stands work specifically because he has experience with his internal sense of time getting royally fucked up whenever he’s deeply focused

– was inattentive (and hyperactive?) as a young kid to the point it affects how the memories on his disc look like: “I was a fidgety child, and the image rarely focused on [Joseph] for long. I wasn’t interested in his story.”

– visual thinker, good with patterns, can make complicated mental maps and solve slide puzzles in his mind

– his memory is really good until it isn’t (as far as he’s concerned Funny Valentine’s Stand is called Dirty Whatever)

– very particular about meanings of words and names, etymology (his arc starts and ends with him pondering over the kanji of his own name, knows latin names of various species like Hydrangea or Ursus maritimus and what they mean literally, that “sorry that name’s taken” line when Rohan calls something a Beyond, etc)

– doesn’t like (is distressed by?) clutter and things/details being WRONG. (“If details don’t add up right I get agitated, and start searching for a better way. This trait has lead to my room being very clean, and made me a great detective.”)

– infodumps to Rohan about polar bears of all things, and there’s a moment when he stops talking almost mid-sentence after mentioning they’re called Ursus maritinus and instead of speaking out loud he just thinks to himself that “The scientific name was given by John Phipps in 1774” as if he just realized that’d be Too Much detail to share, I feel you Jorge

– (after Erina says he has a characteristic soft smile) “I do? I mean, I guess people do say I look like an idiot.”

– gets urges to laugh at very bad times (”Cars’ whispered response had an air of such grim realism that I almost started laughing, but he was watching me suspiciously. Whoops.”)

– sometimes blurts out things, often fails one-liners, even when he pre-plans what he’s going to say something else may come out (“I’d thought of all kinds of things to say, but what actually popped out in that moment? (…) I have no idea what I meant by that last bit but I said what I said and had to live with it.”)

– sometimes impulsive, like yeah let’s just get up in the middle of the night and search through a 10 km^2 area on a bike for something unprecised while you have several death threats to your name, this can’t possibly backfire

– (after Jorge quite literally blows himself up by impulsive carelessness) “Cars was still laughing. “You really don’t think things through.“”

– small point that’s made moot by paranormal things like that being real in the jojoverse, but his tendency to see signs and messages meant for him everywhere and in every event, and insisting on coincidences not being mere synchronicity gives off a different vibe than intended (at least at the beginning before he knows Stands and Beyonds are a thing)

Kars:

– honestly I could just slap the definition of “neurodivergent = with their brain functioning differently from what’s seen as ‘normal’ in the population” here and point at his backstory in this book and be done with it

– remember everything I’m writing is on top of his canon image of an asocial genius scientist with poor affect (or, in the anime, varying between stone face and painfully exaggerated expressions) who has a connection with nature and animals, which I guess can? be seen as some type of autistic coding (unfortunately in this case it dovetails into “a loner with autistic traits = snaps and kills everyone” type of coding sooo maybe let’s not go there)

– novel Kars talks about how when he was younger he didn’t even know that feeling sympathy and wanting to have emotional attachments with others –was a thing– (apparently his race wasn’t capable of it??), and he had to sorta consciously try to understand and learn it through reading human fiction. It came off to me like he relates better to fictional characters (and maybe animals?) than to his race or humans, too

- ^^(that backstory’s a bit unclear with how it’s told; either just like his race he doesn’t have the drive for social bonding, empathy etc. and his understanding of others is made purely on the intellectual level - that’s relatable for some nd people - or he DOES have those things in a drastic difference from everyone else of his race, which I guess makes him nd by definition. It’s… complicated.)

– on the topic of “consciously learning how to sympathy” - there’s a few times in the novel when he’s a prick not because he wants to be but because he genuinely doesn’t understand why the other person would be upset (”Cars, sorry, but can you put me back at my old height?” “?…isn’t the view better?”), but if that person explains how the thing is upsetting he then backs off like “oh okay” (when Jorge is disturbed about the women’s heads thing - “Yeah. But I just feel sorry for them. I can’t watch this.” - Kars just goes “I see.” and makes them disappear). He still has to work on the “taking your private memories without asking” issue tho

– that moment in the backstory where Kars became deeply aware of just how flawed and “not up to own potential” he was which launched him straight into unhealthy perfectionism and desire for control and power as a way of dealing with it? relatable

– and that thing where him becoming much more chill is preceeded by the realization that he can’t ever - and that he doesn’t have to - become an infinitely perfect being without weaknesses, and that he’d still have worth and meaning even when he’s not performing to some ridiculous self-imposed standards?? GREAT, and I love to see lines like this one coming from him: “Cars smiled. “I have no desire to be the leadingman.””

– he talks about how traumatic events and your emotional reactions to them (“feeling like you’re dying”) can damage your soul. Since he claims to have experience determining soul damage, and the only souls he worked with before belonged to 36 other Karses, we can assume he’s talking about himself as well. (and it’s kinda obvious that having everyone you love die in

– ^^^also worth noting that even if Kars knew a lot about brains biology-wise, he missed out on practically all of modern psychology after 1939, so of course the way he relates to trauma and mental illness would be different, and more informed by what he learned having spent most of his life around ancient civilizations in the Americas - the concept of soul loss. And it’s not like the book doesn’t wink towards it in other places (English Jorge dissociating during torture is described as him having learned how to remove his soul from his body)

– Light Dancer Kars speaks about how he wanted to commit suicide, then in the same paragraph says that he and our Kars feel “the same sadness”, which, wow. Earlier there are scenes where you can interpret Kars’s behaviour as passively suicidal; he doesn’t seek death, but if something (burning upon reentry while saving the humans, fighting Dio) did kill him, he wouldn’t mind that much

– this one is very subjective because you can interpret these moments as just him being very lost in thought / focusing on healing (Jorge sure does), but: when faced with intense emotional stress - like hearing Light Dancer Kars’s existential speech, or almost getting killed because he chose to shield the humans from harm - Kars has a tendency to go non- or barely verbal, motionless, unresponsive to outside stimuli (including people trying to get his attention by calling his name) and staring at one thing / into space, ignoring even a zombie attack or that they’re pressed on time in alternate!Morioh. When I first read it I assumed he just dissociated really hard (ptsd-related?), or was in a shutdown

– if you pay attention to what traits Kars seems to be holding in high regards - either through saying that X is a good thing about humanity, or bemoaning that humanity doesn’t have X (that he ofc does) - they’re stuff like creativity, perseverance, attention to details, pattern-based thinking, the desire to “figure stuff out”, and good memory. AKA traits often (though not always) increased in autistic people

- at one point he says: ”In the end, you’re just another human. You see a mystery and think, ‘How odd!’ and put in on a shelf somewhere.” I’m sorry but even in context it sounds like “apparently people can see an interesting thing without instantly getting fixated and wanting to know and understand everything about it right there and then, what the fuck”

– he tends to be either very invested in what’s going on or bored, no inbetween, and avoiding that boredom is a high priority (”And it seems I’ve run out of time to eat you all… But I wasn’t bored.”)

um yeah that’s all I can think of rn

#aleph-ozone #finally got around to finishing this!#jorge tag #hcs meta and stuff #jorge joestar

20 notes · View notes