Anthro Au Survivor drafts feat. too much worldbuilding because I cant just put pants on a slugcat like a normal person & my godawful handwriting

The Survivor (Their full, scavenger-given name includes the 'The') was separated from their family while traveling between colonies and stranded in the dangerous unpopulated wilds. Against all odds they managed to survive (and wander) far longer than they should have been able, but rather than reconnecting with their (or another) slugcat family, they instead made contact with one of the many wandering scavenger troops- But unfortunately not one that had ever met a slugcat nor had any idea what to make of a stranded one. Regardless the group gave it their best, ended up committing to the role of slugparents, and The Survivor and their troop still consider themselves close family long after Survivor finally reconnected with their sibling. (They're a bit of a mess though, understandably)

barely restraining myself from sending 50 brainrot.exe posts as reference material for My Thoughtsies. but anyway. heart and mind were friends and in a strange way they always trust each other at least a little bit. like sure they don’t trust the other to not be meansies but they trust the other to be There. to bandage them when theyre injured. (.. to hold them when theyre upset. to stop them from doing anything dangerous.

[eye gore mention tw because i’m normal]

because if heart had been there, when mind was reaching up to his eye, if heart had been there, he wouldve stopped mind. there is no question about it. but in the haziness of night when youre alone it’s so easy to just. react. and mind didn’t really want to be stopped. mind did but he didn’t. he thought he couldn’t be helped and he thought that taking his own eye out was the only way to help. he wasn’t thinking of heart. he felt Compelled. like all he could want, all he could need, all he was able to do was just . do it. and then he would be able to sleep at night. and then he would stop thinking. and it worked but it didn’t

NASA ALA 👍👍👍👍👍👍

okay. anyway yeah)

what was i talking about anyway heart and mind trust each other somehow. it’s sickening but they do.

also uhhh my headcanon for mind is that he started out just as human as heart and soul but he. took off his hands. it’s this obsession with perfection that he always has. he wanted to be perfect and cold and steady. his body has always betrayed him. and he wanted to distance himself from heart from the most human thing any of them have. so he took off his hands. and then his eye, which was more of just. an obsession with hurting himself that he didn’t know how to stop. an obsession with what it would feel like and sound like that never abated. i’m normal

so like yeah. his hands hurt too much. it was just too much for him. he intended to take himself apart, replace every bit of his body with metal, become Perfect, but it was just too much. (this is obviously not rational and if youre questioning how he expected to do this the answer is he didn’t think it through. cause at the core of all that was this itch. his body itches with how imperfect it is itches with violence and he doesn’t know what to DO so he pasted over an explanation and a rationale instead of trying to cope because he COULDN’T cope because how else would he go about it whenever all he knows for sure as coping is violence and violence and more violence and yelling at heart for nothing with a hope heart would throw glass at him again, harder, at his eyes maybe, just something to make him stop thinking. anyway)

nodding. takingnotes no commenton the eye thing uhmmmhmmhmhmmhmhmhmhmhmhmh the fucking. needingtoi become real part. NO CAUSE yes,. YEAAAAAA i get the hand thing i just didnt know how hed goabout it tbh like i was kindof like "yea he just has mechanical hands now" idontlike the sh partbc. eugh sorry its just apersonal thinige makesmefeel icky due to reasons That Will Not Be Stated Here disintegrates into ash" but yea i see what ur say8ing

all for the other ask set!

I just took my painkillers, so I'm really high and I'm sorry if this makes no sense, I'm trying my best...

1. Are looks important in a relationship?

- yes, but they're not the most important thing. I can look past appearance, but if you're ugly on the inside it'll never work

2. Are relationships ever worth it?

- theyre worth it every time! Even if they fail, you learn a lot about yourself and they change you for the better

3. Are you a virgin?

- no

4. Are you in a relationship?

- no, my partner of about three years and I broke up a month ago

5. Are you in love?

- I'm in love with myself, which is more than I can say when I was in that relationship

6. Are you single this year?

- yes

7. Can you commit to one person?

- yes; I'm like a penguin... I mate for life

8. Describe your crush

- that's easy, I don't have one

9. Describe your perfect mate

- soft and sweet, generous, respectful of my boundaries, openly communicative, like my grandpa!

10. Do you believe in love at first sight?

- no

11. Do you ever want to get married?

- yes

12. Do you forgive betrayal?

- in time and with an apology, of course

13. Do you get jealous easily?

- I used to, but I've done a lot of work since then and I don't anymore

14. Do you have a crush on anyone?

- other than myself? no

15. Do you have any piercings?

- I have a nose ring, my septum pierced, 3 earrings in my right ear, and two in my left

16. Do you have any tattoos?

- 11; a bumble bee, a cat drinking wine, my rat's footprint, my grandma's signature, a sloth, the pisces constellation, the aurora borealis constellation, squirrel nutkin, my grandpa's signature, Snufkin and Moomin, and a lavender sprig

17. Do you like kissing in public?

- a quick peck doesn't bother me, but keep your tongue in your own mouth

There is no 18 or 19 in this series of questions??

20. Do you shower everyday?

- I've been bathing more than showering lately, but I do wash everyday

21. Do you think someone has feelings for you?

- I don't, but that's none of my business anyways

22. Do you think someone is thinking of you right now?

- no, I don't think so

23. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?

- obviously, I did that for 3 years. I don't cheat, it's wrong and it fucks people up

24. Do you think you'll be married in five years?

- maybe? I haven't given it much thought tbh

25. Do you want to be in a relationship this year?

- no

26. Has anyone told you they don't want to ever lose you?

- yes, and then they did

27. Has someone ever written a song or poem for you?

- no

28. Have you ever been cheated on?

- not that I am aware of

29. Have you ever cheated on someone?

- no, I would never

30. Have you ever considered plastic surgery? If so, what would you change about your body?

- I've had plastic surgery twice; once in the ninth grade to fix me jaw, and two days ago I had top surgery

31. Have you ever cried over a guy or girl?

- yes, and what a waste of time that was

32. Have you ever experienced unrequited love?

- no

33. Have you ever had sex with a man?

- yes

34. Have you ever had sex with a woman?

- no

35. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

-yes

36. Have you ever liked one of your best friends?

- yes

37. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?

- yes

38. Have you ever liked someone you didn't expect to?

- yes

39. Have you ever waved someone you couldn't have?

- yes

40. Have you ever written a song or poem for someone?

- yes

41. Have you had sex so far this year?

- yes

42. How long can you just kiss until your hands start to wander?

- depends on the person, but awhile, I really like kissing

43. How long was your longest relationship?

- almost 3 years

44. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had?

- I've had 6 partners

45. How many people did you kiss in 2012/2013?

- I can say with 100% certainty that I have no idea; I can't even remember what I had for breakfast this morning

46. How many times did you have sex last year?

- I don't know, sex isn't something I count

47. How old are you?

- 21

48. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?

- I'd ask them why, people love to talk about their crushes, I'd also encourage them to go after it. Just because I like someone doesn't make them mine

49. If you have a partner, what is your favourite thing about them?

- I don't have a partner

50. If your first true love knocked on your door with am apology and presents, would you accept?

- no, not yet. I'm not at a place to forgive Kai yet. I'm still working through and breaking down what they did to me

51. Is there someone you would do absolutely anything for?

- yea, my grandma

52. Is there anyone you've given up on? Why?

- I gave up on my dad's dad, Lane; he's just a genuinely awful guy and every time I've tried to extend an olive branch it's come back to bite me in the ass. He can be angry and miserable alone, I don't have room for that shit in my life.

53. Is there someone mad because you're seeing/talking to the person that you are?

- no, the people in my life are incredibly supportive of me in all my endeavors and decisions

54. Is there something you will never forget?

- what a classmate and friend wrote to my mom once when she was compiling a big note full of all the reasons people care about me. "There's nothing they could ever do that would be bad". Those words have been etched onto my heart for 6 years

55. Share a relationship story

- I'll tell you about my grandparents, and how they were made for each other. My grandpa worked for CBC and so did my grandma, but they worked in separate buildings, and one night my grandma's friend says "Elaine, come out for drinks with me and some of the guys" and my grandma really doesn't want to, but she's a polite lady so she does anyways. She winds up sitting next to my grandpa, and they don't say much to each other but his friends keep bugging him and making jokes about how he needs to "get home to his wife" (he isn't married, but he fancies my grandma and his friends are just trying to make him work harder for her). They wind up leaving at the same time, and they walk home together because they lived a couple buildings away from one another. My grandpa assures my grandma that he isn't married, he tells her he's going home to Red Jacket, Saskatchewan for Christmas, but could he give her a call when he comes home? She says yes; and a year later they were married. They've been madly in love with each other ever since.

56. State 8 facts about your body.

- I have 8 less teeth than the average adult; my eyes are two different shapes; when I learned to walk it was with a slight limp so now I always have one; when my body is really low on estrogen I get incredibly clumsy; I have 2 holes in my jaw from where a surgical plate was removed; I'm deathly allergic to peanuts; my limbs are so long, my fingertips almost reach down to my knees; I have a small groove in my head from wearing headgear when I was a child.

57. Things you want to say to an ex

- you always went on and on about how I deserved better, and you're wrong. It's not that I deserved better, you just didn't deserve me.

I have so much pity for you, because you have to live the rest of your life knowing what Ostin did to your mom, you did much the same to me. You acted the same as the man who makes you so sick. You're disgusting for what you did, and I hope you regret it everyday of your life.

58. What are 5 ways to win your heart?

- listen openly to me, tell me things that happened to you during your day, sending me songs or poems or little trinkets that remind you of me, laugh at my jokes, vocalize your feelings about me

59. What do you look like?

This is me and my roommate's cat, Anaan!

60. What is the biggest age difference between you and any of your partners?

- two years, he was 15 I was 17 and as soon as I learned how smol he was I couldn't get past it...

61. What's the first thing you notice in someone?

- their mouth, I lip-read so someone's lips and teeth is the first thing my eyes go to

62. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do to/for you?

- oh gee I don't even know? Maybe take off my clothes for me, but like really slowly?

63. What is your definition of "having sex"?

- anything that gets the job done, y'know? wets the whistle

64. What is your definition of cheating?

- being physically intimate with a party outside of the pre-established exclusive relationship

65. What is your favourite foreplay routine?

- tease me until I want to kill you, and then fuck me until I can't remember my own name

66. What is your favourite roleplay?

- I don't have one. I did improv in highschool and doing any sort of "acting on the spot" makes me astral project back to that cringey time

67. What is your idea of a perfect date?

- one where it doesn't matter what you're doing, you never want it to end because you can never have enough time with the person you're with

68. What is your sexual orientation?

- queer!

69. What turns you off?

- people who are mean to animals

70. What turns you on?

- climate justice

71. What was your kinkiest wet dream?

- that will stay between me and the lord, thanks

72. What words do you like to hear during sex?

- none, if you can form words or sentences, one of us isn't doing our job right

73. What's something sweet you'd like someone to do for you?

- bring me flowers! No one has ever brought me flowers before

74. What's the most superficial characteristic you look for?

- probably wardrobe

75. What's the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for you?

- my sister moved in with me to take care of me while I recover from my mastectomy. I didn't even have to ask, she offered to do it

76. What's the sweetest thing you've done for someone?

My roommate and I had mice and squirrels living in the basement of our old house, and they ate and destroyed all of her old baby books and photo albums; so this year for Christmas I took all the pictures I had of us, and a bunch of pictures she had posted on her social media, and I made her a new photo book to preserve the memories she made these last few years.

77. What's your opinion on age differences in relationships?

- the older you get, the less age difference really matters, my roommate is 41 and her partner is turning 61 this year. I think so long as both parties are of legal age and consenting, do what you want. That being said, it gets iffy if the older party knew the younger person when they were a child; ie. Leonardo DiCaprio and his most recent girlfriend.

78. What's your dirtiest secret?

- I don't have one? I'm literally an open book... You can ask me anything

79. When was the last time you felt jealous?

- when an 8 year old girl came into the shop and told me her grandpa was taking her shopping for her birthday.

80. When was the last time you told someone that you loved them?

- on Wednesday, when I was saying goodbye to my grandma at the hospital (that sounds like a downer, she's fine, she had a knee operation and I went to visit her after work)

81. Who are five people you find attractive?

- LP, Ezra Miller, Joji, my ex boyfriend (they're mad cute, but they're ugly on the inside), Chris Fleming

82. Who is the last person you hugged?

- my mom, after she drove me home from the hospital and helped me get inside

83. Who was your first kiss with?

- a boy named Rhys, in the ninth grade. We were each other's beards before we even knew it

84. Why did your last relationship fail?

- a lot of different reasons; we kept fighting, they had no time for me, they wouldn't communicate with me, I had trouble trusting them, they sexually assaulted me and were hella manipulative, they forgot I existed a lot, there were a lot of red flags that we ignored until it blew up in our faces.

85. Would you ever date someone off of the internet?

- sure, I don't see why not!

Thanks for asking! Sorry it took so long to answer, I had to stop and nap a few times in between questions...

i have no friends to talk to so im gonna rant under the cut ignore this lmao

i dont feel comfortable anywhere. 

like.. i don’t have a bed i like to sleep in. it doesn’t have sheets on it. it’s an awful mattress, it sinks down to the point where i wake up and can’t move bc my back is fucked. i don’t have a dovet, i sleep under blankets fit for a sofa. i don’t have a space to call my own. my room looks like a storage room, because that’s what it is. i have speakers that i can’t use, i have an extra desk that my parents couldn’t afford to throw away. my cupboard is full of things that aren’t mine. i own my school uniform and like 3 outfits. i own one fucking pair of pants and they don’t! even fit me! i dont like asking for money for things like clothes and decor because the answer is always “we dont have enough money for luxuries! dont be selfish!” and i dont get it because both of my fucking parents have ipads and the newest fucking iphones. despite being the right age to get a job im not allowed to get one, im not allowed to open a paypal so i can maybe get a commission every so often. i dont even know why. they dont fucking tell me.

and like,, i dont have anywhere or anybody to talk to about this shit! school friends would never fucking understand because theyre all a bunch of rich kids who think of me as a joke. im a dumbass who isolates himself from his online friends so i cant just be like “lol we havent talked since i disappeared when i found out im going deaf help my life sucks” because who fucking DOES that? not me! my parents are procrastinating getting me a fucking psychologist for GOD KNOWS WHAT fucking reason, maybe they really do just think this is a phase. they refuse to talk about anything related to my transgenderism until it pushes their fucking political agenda or makes them LOOK GOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

mum, at home, behind closed doors: hey deadname

also my mum, arguing with people online: as a supportive parent of a transgender child blahblahblah

also my mum, to my school: yeah haha we’re getting there HE’s such a good BOY isnt that right NATE this has been hard on all of us but especially ME

i regret coming out so fucking much. if i could go back in time and tell myself anything it wouldnt be “do ur schoolwork” or “dont die” it would be “dont come out because every fucking aspect of your life is going to be so much fucking harder” and i get it! some of it is me being a lazy cunt! yea! but its also everybody else being a lazy cunt! my entire family? deadnaming for days! my parents? “we know you need therapy we’ll call them later” and then what do they do??? yeah not call them later. since i came out my previous psychologist DROPPED me and i get it but i NEVER talked about that shit and i wouldn’t talk about that shit bc i know shes not qualified to deal with that!! and i get it but fuck its so annoying and im weak and im a fucking asshole and i dont want to exist!!

i just dont get why my parents had me. like. my dads an alcoholic and a fucking coke addict, and yeah, he works 70 hours a week and supplies everything for our family, but hes also a fuckign criminal whos had me ASSAULTED before and thats a whole other fucking thing! and he’s trying to turn my sister and i against my mum and i DEFINITELY see why because she literally does nothing but smoke weed and do coke herself but fuck i am so tired of hearing about their shit all the fucking time! call me selfish, i would agree, but they blame me and my sister for all of their problems, and whenever me or my sister call them out on their shit they immediately go for the “we’re your PARENTS” or “im mentally ill and im an addict you know this” like yeah i do but i also know that YOU’RE NOT TRYING TO HELP YOURSELF DESPITE HAVING TWO KIDS THAT FUCKING DESPISE YOU

i just want a normal fucking family man. a normal life, really!! i want a dad that has some dumb manly hobby like woodwork or fishing and i wanna do lame things with him. i want a mum that i get along with. a sister that i fight with sometimes but its ok because im still there for her! protective big brother style! and i want them to be there for me and i want to feel safe in my own fucking house. i want a bed that i can sleep comfortably in. i dont wanna be who i am. i wanna be normal. i dont wanna have to deal with dysphoria and wanting to die every time i look in the mirror or shower or speak or do anything. friends that i feel like i could talk to. i would die just to be a cis girl or better a cis boy and just live my life without worrying about all of that shit. i want my depression to go away or take a fucking break or something. i hate it so much.

god this is long im so sorry for anybody who made the mistake of choosign to read this

well i managed to crawl out for a month but uh. last night was a big trigger fest.

went to my friends with another friend. they complimented me on my weight loss and said it was obvious i had lost a shitton. (which. like 20 pounds, yeah, i... guess thats a lot but its not Enough).

other friend struggled w ed in middle school. their mom made some Comments recently and now they're uncomfy and they asked about weight loss. friend we were visiting said they could stand to lose maybe 15 or 20 pounds if they wanted, but they certainly dont qualify as fat.

which. is the same amount as they congratulated me on.

we all compared body types and fat content. comments on our thighs and stomachs and backs and chests.

and i am now. wearing my comfort hoodie. watching youtbe. dissociating. ive had 630 calories today because i know i cant restrict super hard so fast. i smiled this morning after skipping dinner and waking up hungry, that lovely hunger that aches but doesn't hurt. you know you could eat but you're not Hungry hungry even if you can feel your empty stomach. its... a good feeling.

im gonna have a sandwich and some ice cream for my second and final meal for the day and itll probably be some... 430 cal, ending around 1060 for the day.

gods. i want to go to sleep. i want to lie down and waste away.

on the way home a song from my mental loop playlist came on. then one from a self harm perspective. my friend and i listened to an anxiety vent playlist. scream sang the whole way. it didnt help. made it worse?

maybe.

im not doing so hot. im worried about my job status too. and rent and my dads birthday.

i think im gonna go pass out. this totally counts as my journal for the new List Of Organization.

i pasted it on my freezer fridge door.

ive made progress recently, in terms of philosophy and uncovering and understanding my issues. responsibility and suicidal thoughts and attachment issues and how much im hurting and have been hurt and dissociation as a coping mechanism for mental and emotional abuse and then as an anxiety mechanism too. and to cope with school and the boredom and not being able to do what i want and the lack of freedom.

i dont know if ill ever get to the point where i uncover why i hate not being free in my own definition. like thats such a core part of who i am and i am terrified of that being rooted in abuse. if i dont value freedom who am i? but also... i think ive always valued freedom. i think how i approach it has changed. when i was small i didnt care about the opinions of others and their actions or anything. but here i am now caring a Lot. and part of that is... in later elementary, from then on, peoples opinions and words started precluding actions that infringed on my routines and worldview. and then it scaled into full on abuse by my mother. words started mattering a whole FUCKING lot, and actions as well. words had to be careful, actions could be covered up with the right motive and words. a tool for power and put downs. and i hated it and feared it.

and when i started fearing others, noticed how i wasnt free to Be anymore... i started panicking and dissociating and i couldnt handle NOT being me so i stopped.

i stopped being me because i couldnt stand to see me destroyed or warped or killed by the spirits of envy and hatred all around me.

that makes it sound so poetic, but i was scared and it was terrible and awful and scary. and i cant say i regret it because im still not me.

ill never be the same me again. im not even fully me of now.

freedom is. so important to me. it sucks that that was put in jeopardy. that a singular sun in my world was destroyed on someone else's whims, for someone else's COMFORT. as if the mind of child is something okay to smother when they disagree with you.

fuck that. i hate her. i hate this. i hate that this happened. i hate that im not me. i cant hate myself. i cant even be myself and i hate that fact its frustrating.

im making progress but i dont know if i can even hit a point where i comfy enough to be me. if i can reach an understanding with the others and stope fearing. if theyll ever stop being frustrated with me long enough for us to effectively communicate. if we can. if its fair for me to expect or ask explanations for emotions and rules. if its okay. if ill ever be okay again.

im crying now.

im gonna get some water and curl up.

just asked that we all have access to this journal here in the system. i.

im scattered. hey, more progress ig.

insight, at least.

i need a therapist but i dont know if im willing to trust someone with all of these innermost thoughts and ideas and the backstory. i dont know if i can trust a strangers judgement.

what if they call me a liar and call it a day?

yea we can just move on and find a new therapist. it will hurt though. leave us with more issues. devastating to be invalidated by someone with a license. like yea the system has issues and all and you cant guarentee people dont have bias or are otherwise a good fit or even fit for the job every time. it still sucks that i have to go into this with that uncertainty. it makes it harder and easier, i think, to know that. therapists are imperfect, theyre people just like you and me. i just. thats more comforting than i thought it would be. i thought realizing they were professionals meant like. their word has to be taken as holy or some shit. no it doesnt theyre people. theyre trained, but quality control is questionable and bias is extensive and training is sometimes pretty niche. i need to look for someone specifically trained in like. 4 or 5 things. like. anxiety, depression, borderline, osdd/did, autism, add/adhd, possibly ocd, and DEFINITELY cptsd. i dont know what exactly i have but i know i have more than one and i kinda need to work through a shitton and find out whats UP. seriously. i might need medication. id like to try cbt/dbt first and work on integration/personal identity first. but holy SHIT.

im not mentioning ed beyond In The Past if i can help it ahfjfsgkf. like ed i have in hand. i know its a way to feel in control because im afraid of the world and also to approach the body i want, fulfill society standards in a way i wish i didnt care at all about but i do care at least a little despite my denial, and to combat dysphoria/prepare for top surgery.

gods above. im kinda fucked up huh. like more at once than i think is possible and i might be giving myself more issues if i dont handle my new job in a healthy way.

fuck.

anyway. yeah. im back. im not better than ever but im making progress. todays a bad mental health day so far. i want to lose another 10 pounds before i see a therapist just in case. if they say i should try losing weight i am going to glare flatly and absolutely spill how much ive lost but not the timeline or ed habits. but yknow. 165 or so before starting? puts me solidly in the Chubby At First Glance But Not Super Overweight category.

me and my friends also tried to weigh my tits the other day. kitchen scale and leaning down put them at 4.5 lbs each, theyre big enough to try, but thats probably an understimation by like, 40% just by sheer volume. thats like. 10, 15 pounds minimum of boob weight. i want it gone. gone. away please. off my body. no tits or an A cup. and an A cup is highly unlikely so full top it is.

gods. okay ive gone on long enough im going to get water and lay down now. im still dissociating pretty heavily.

Full breakdown on how I relate look what you made me do to all the past times I've been sexually assaulted

" I don't like your little games" -When I was 11 and swimming in the public pool at the YMCA and this 30 year old man asked if he could play with me in the pool and pick me up and throw me in the water but he "had to touch me here first (he digitally raped me) ( I didnt even know what a Vagina is or does as that age) -When I was 12 and my dads best friend who lived in my house would tell my parents he would watch after me when they went out but instead forcibly touched me and made me touch him. And he would bang on my bedroom door when I was pressing up against it shut because it didn't have a lock, he would offer me to play outside with him on my trampoline just so he could be on top of me and suck in my nipples again but I screamed to leave me alone. When the guy in sophomore year of high school who I had my first real big crush on told me I could trust him so I told him all about my life and he was my first kiss but then right after, he threw me on the ground grabbed my hand and made me give him a hand job and then went around school taunting me by mocking me with my secrets I told him and told people I was a slut. And he call me during the middle of the night threatening that if I didn't send him nudes he would make worse rumors and spread them around. When the 20 year old guy who took my virginity from me raped me when I was 16 tried to email me, text me and follow me on Instagram as if time passing had changed everything. BITCH DONT TALK TO ME. When the guy who molested me outside of a bar gave me the excuse the next day that he was to drunk to know what he was doing even though I saw him get in his car and drive away and text me that night he made it home safe. IF YOURE SOBER ENOUGH TO DRIVE YOURE SOBER ENOUGH TO NOT SEXUALLY MOLEST SOMEONE WHO IS TO INTOXICATED TO STAND STRAIGHT. " I don't like your tilted stage " AKA an uneven playing field. When the guy who "had to" digitally rape me in the YMCA swimming pool knew i was to young to know what was happening to me and I was easy to listen to adults so he told me not tell anyone so I stayed quiet about it until I was 17. -When the guy who was my dads best friend knew I was a caring kid and wouldnt tell anyone so my dad wouldn't loose a friend so he took advantage of me. And when I finally told my dad and he made his friend come to the house to confront him DUDE WAS SPEAKING 100% Spanish so I couldnt know what he was saying against me. -When the guy I trusted in high school majorly taunted me outside school and was so sneaky about how he did on school grounds so he wouldnt get in trouble -When the guy who raped me at age 16 asked me if i was ready and I said "I dont know, I think I am" but he was controlling and forceful and went on top of me and I hated it and was to scared to run away or tell him to get off me. -When the guy who molested me outside the bar did it where no one could see and theres not cameras so there was no proof and he apologized the next day. "The role you made me play, of the fool, no I dont like you" All of these people made me play the delusional crazy girl whose making shit up for attention " i don't like your perfect crime, How you laugh when you lie -When I was tired of staying silent for ten years so I finally decided to report something horrible happening to me , at the age of 22 sobbing in the car feeling worthless and like nothing but a sex toy, like my feelings dont matter because all Ill ever be is my body and nothing more, I picked up the phone and called the police, they told me that because I was talking to the guy in the bar before him molesting me he probably thought I wanted it so they told me I should accept his apology. They told me that because I cant remember because I was to intoxicated to remember clearly if he forcibly grabbed my hand and put it down his pants or if I put my hands down there it doesn't even count as sexual assault. Even tho I KNO I was screaming to get out. "You said the gun was mine, isn't cool, no, I don't like you"(oh!) They always tell you to report things but then when you do they dont do anything to help "But I got smarter, I got harder in the nick of time, Honey, I rose up from the dead, I do it all the time" -After being denied of reporting my most recent sexual assault I was in hysterics sobbing in my car realizing that anyone can do anything they want to me and feel like such a low life and absolutely nothing and get away with it. Snot and tears were everywhere and I was messaging my friends saying I cant live like this anymore, whats the point? When Im just going to be tossed from guy to guy simply for their pleasure while they take my dignity from me, when all I get is cat called and harassed and pressured to give myself to them I lifted my head up and realize that if 22 year old erica can't get justice then 11year -16 year old Erica can, NO MATTER what those abusers say to deny it or beat around the bush they WILL go fucking down because I was a MINOR. And theyre not getting out of it with that crime "I've got a list of names and yours is in red, underlined" -after realizing im gonna come for blood I picked up the phone and called up the police dept and said I'm reporting a sexual assault from 10 years ago and this was at midnight when the police showed up at my house to get a written statement and proceeded to list off every other time I was sexually assaulted . To which the officer accused me of "cop shopping" BITCH YEA. Because I didn't get what I wanted from the first one. BITCH YOU RIGHT IM GONNA KEEP REPORTING IT UNTIL SOMEONE LISTENS. "I check it once, then I check it twice, oh" -Did they really sexually assault me if I didnt scream "no" and "rape" and push and shove my way out ? Yes okay ! Just gotta double check I know what happened to me before others tell me over exaggerating! "Ooh, look what you made me Look what you made me do Look what you just made me Look what you just made me Ooh, look what you made me Look what you made me do Look what you just made me Look what you just made me do" -the next morning after listing off these names to the rude police officer I slept until noon, got up in my grown up boss ass outfit, got in my red buggy and zoomed to the YMCA with my sunglasses feeling like a bad ass scene from a movie, I catwalked into the YMCA to the chorus of LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO and I said I need to see a manager and report an incident then that manager came over and I told her everything that happened in that public pool to me and she was dumb founded because they have a "no tolerance policy" "I don't like your kingdom keys, they once belonged to me, you asked me for a place, locked me out then threw a feast (WHAT?!)" -Every single one of these manipulating sexual abusers have affected me in so many ways for the rest of my life. I went to couseling in high school and my recent new Doctor , those two told me that a lot of how I act, talk and think has to do with the after affects and symptoms of being sexually abused and that a portion in my FUCKING BRAIN paused on developing and has a fog over it and cant pay attention to things and I am easily forgetful and space out way more often than the normal person. I DONT LIKE HOW THESE SICK FUCKS HAVE THE KEYS TO THE PERSON I AM TODAY. I don't like that the like psychos who molested me when I was a pre teen took something from me I never had,finding myself at such a crucial age and my confidence I had as a kid. "The world moves on, another day, another drama, drama." While I've been in the deep state of depression and feeling empty I stand there and notice how everyone else lives goes on and theyre happy mean while Im dead on the inside "But not for me, not for me, all I think about is karma" -But while Im standing there feeling like everyone can just pretend like it never happened to me even when I told them , I cant help but think of the the sexual abusers getting put in jail or getting their lives taken away from them because they deserve that. "And then the world moves on, but one things for sure Maybe I got mine, but you all get yours" -Maybe for now my karma for trying to go out for fun was to be molested by a boy ll be punished for what you did. " I don't trust nobody and nobody trusts me be the actress starring in your bad dreams I dont trust nobody and nobody trusts me" -when the boy in high school spread all these awful rumors about me and showed the nudes I sent him (because he threatened me) to his classes, I lost friends at school , no one wanted to talk to me and in return I was left being fearful for the rest of my life that anyone could leave me at any moment. .. " I don't trust nobody" -I turned to all the people whose ever told me " I'll be there for you if you ever need anything "but when that something i need is to tell someone about how I was sexually assaulted they tell everything except things that will actually lift my soul up and make me feel better but no one cares enough to actually check up on me after hearing a horrible traumatic thing happening to me because I don't have the energy to come to people myself every day and come forward on how low I feel. I had people tell me to "just go home" when I'd call them up sobbing in my car and ask them if I could come over for them to comfort me. I've had people literally leave me because I confronted them about only sending me a sad face or "I'm sorry" and nothing more. LIKE. MAYBE SEND ME THE CLEAN SOEECH IDK. I'm desperate to hear some words of encouragement but no people HATE confrontation So much they'll just leave me instead of owning up and offering me anything more then a sad face through a text and their sympathy. "I'll be the actress starring in your bad dreams" -Im coming for revenge , I'm gonna make you pay for what you did to me so I'll be in your nightmares "I'm sorry the old Erica can't come to the phone right now, why? OH , cuz she's dead" It's been months since I was sexually assaulted last and the scared old fragile me is dead and I'm becoming this new fierce woman who protects myself. I have two open sexual assault cases open right now and I'm looking for mental health help and okay, I'm overly distracted , it's like there's this fog over my mind and I can't see or think clearly and it's affecting my every day life, I can't do well at work and when I'm in a normal conversation , and cry myself to sleep when I feel worthless. But I've found time can heal most anything. P.s Taylor I admire you so much for defending yourself during your sexual assault trial, I heard you got sassy.. I would have to... it's pretty annoying when you have to relive the incident numerous amount of times and people don't believe you so you have to say it over and over again until you just start to cry because you just want justice. My parents didn't report to the police about the guy who was my dads best friend touching me when I was 12 because they knew all the interviews and questions I would be asked and they didn't want me to relive it m, I was 12 and scared..... 10 years later I got the guts to do but only because i can't live like his anymore unneeded something to matter so i went for justice, I had a interview for a detective and police man in an office in the police station, it was video recorded and everything, they asked me about every little detail of all the 4 times he molested me, it was awful and I cried so much during the whole thing I told them how he took something away from me I never really had as a 12 year old.. my confidence and finding who I am. And saying that out loud made me cry even more but I felt like it was necessary to say so they could believe me and see how much he hurt me. They said it's going to take a long to time to be able to find the him and when they do I need to be prepared for him to deny it and if so we might go to court. I Do NOT have the money for that at all but taylor, I heard you are donating to foundations that help girls defend themselves and I might have to use that and in SO BEYOND THANKFUL. For those foundations and for you helping out. They thanked me for my time and as the detective walked me out to the the main door she said " maybe you'll be able to inspire other girls and let them know it's never to late to report it" and in that moment I felt so inspired... now I feel SO passionate about being a mental health advocate, I have my AA degree so I'll be going back to college and get my psychology degree. I'm gonna kick ass. P.s.s I'm sorry if this post triggered anyone with anything I talked about but I really wanted to let taylor know how I relate to her music P.s.s Taylor i am SO sorry for what you had to go through being sexually assaulted, it really does turn a light off on your personality and I wish I could just take all your pain away, you have been there for me through EVERYTHING and I just want to be there for you and hold your hands through every step . @taylorswift

111 questions with @imaginationisendless3

001: What is your biggest dream? uhhh. that depends on how you define dream. im gonna go ahead and say that the dream is to be able to wake up and go to the airport and just travel all around and come back home to the same old home at the end of the day

002: What is the bravest thing you've ever done? this q is quite a doozy. i really dont keep track of this kind of stuff

003: Is it hard for you to show your feelings? hell ye

004: What is your dream job? What was your dream job when you were little? when i was little i thought looking at space and being an astronaut would be really cool but now its just being able to travel

005: What is your favorite sound? mechanical keyboard clicking hands down

006: Would you rather be in front of the camera or behind it? wait this q seems familiar but im gonna say in front

007: What do you notice first when you meet a new person? (Both in real and on the internet): what kind of memes they like

008: Is there anybody you *fully* trust?: sure theres a list

009: Do you like / love someone? If yes, who?: there was this cute girl once but i never mustered the courage to really talk to her rip 

010: Have you ever received / sent hate? How do you deal with it?: i flame brian and logan all the time but i dont think that constitutes hate mail. tbh i dont recall an instance of being perturbed by excessive hate

011: What are you going to spend money on next?: food in martinique (or maybe some chacos here)

012: What are three things you never leave your house without?: phone, wallet, jacket

013: What is your favorite place?: ive had a lot of favorite places over the last few years but now that im being asked i cant recall any of them. all my favorite places have this one thing that i dont like about them and thats why i have so many

014: Do you sing and/or dance in front of people? nah not earnestly

015: Have you ever cheated on a test?: have YOU? i say i want to cheat on tests all the time bc itd be so easy but im just too lazy to enact a foolproof cheat strategy

016: What is your current desktop background?: last time it was a bunch of functional groups for Ochem, but now its specific reagents and pathways!

017: How would you describe yourself in 3 words? indecisive, unpredictable, decisive (i thnk)

018: What does make you happy?: honestly?? knowing im appreciated

019: What time were you born? uhh i dont know off the top of my head atm but i can check

020: Do you give second chances? Why? why the fuck NOT? well i say that but all the second chances ive given have been disappointments. trying to find someone to surprise me i guess? xd

021: Name your biggest turn ons and turn offs: serious turn offs are lacking empathy for the struggles of others (i say stop being poor ironically, but there are people who really dont get it which is scary to me). turn ons? Jacinda asked me this and my answer still hasnt changed-- the neck. i ALWAYS go for the jugular

022: When was the last time you hugged someone?: hmmmmm probably last month or so?

023: What is your favorite food? GOD dang it i know i say a lot of things are my favorite but now i cant think of anything. something im always down for is KFC though

024: Do you save money or spend it right away? FUCK i try to save it but money just has a way of leaving my hands

025: Do you have any tattoos? If yes, what are their meanings? If no, would you get any?: id love to get tattoos. sleeves and all those seem really neat but also i know im just rash with decisions like that sometimes

026: Name five things you find beautiful: ooo hair in sunlight, pure moments of unadulterated laughter, crafts that people work on, technology, and mechanical keyboards

027: What is your favorite clothing style? (Both in you and others): lately ive been joking about the CLOUT a lot with champion and supreme branded stuff but its ironic. tbh i like buttonups with nice colors.

028: How do you cheer yourself up? i slid into this girl’s dms with this very question and then i linked her a minecraft song parody so i guess minecraft song parodies and stupid things

029: Do you show affection in public?: i would IF I COULD

030: What is one thing you are looking forward to?: martinique, being refreshed enough to actually care about school bc this last semester was a shitshow

031: Have you ever been to other countries? If yes, where?: france, spain, italy, canada, (japan when i was uber young), vietnam, fircrest

032: What was the last lie you told and why? ill start on this at 2pm. i was still in bed at 2

033: Who are the people you can always turn to? mo, lo

034: Have you ever done drugs? If not, would you ever try them?: it sounds like itd be a cool experience but im also scared all of those horror stories where the drugs were laced with other stuff that turns you into a 4 year old

035: What is your favorite word? i think about the word obsequious a lot but i think my favorite word has to go to discord

036: Do you consider yourself a romantic? sure why not

037: What are 3 objects that are *very* important to you and why?: notes section in my phone ( i write a lot of my thoughts and weird dreams in there), my laptop ( i use it literally every single day), my dice ( bc dnd has been uber helpful to me and its a great pastime)  

038: Have you ever met someone famous? If so, who?: nope! not special

039: What would you like to change, mentally and physically, about yourself? id like to start working out but i say that all the time. id like to be more dedicated to school stuff but honestly its whatever. idk jsut trying to be more confident in myself and smiling more

040: Have you ever won a contest/competition? What for? i won a smash tournament once and i got fourth or third in another one but that was a long time ago

041: What is one illegal thing you would do if there were no consequences? steal, armed robbery. 

042: Who are your favorite fictional characters? borutos dad seems kind of cool, they should make an anime about him or something

043: Do you ever wish you were somebody else? yea i wish i was me but better

044: What is your favorite store to shop at? FUEGO and the runway fashion exchange and idk some other cool store but it doesnt come to mind

045: Do you want to have children one day? How many? How would you name them?: i think about it. having children would be cool but also NOT having kids would be cool

046: How do you cope with stress? How do you vent your anger? i say reee unironically but then it makes me feel better 

047: What do you want for your birthday? honestly? lots of money but idk a new set of dice would be nice ore maybe a new computer

048: Have you ever had an imaginary friend? yea probably

049: Have you ever said "I love you" even though you didn't mean it? in the times ive said it i feel like i have meant it but you can never be too sure

050: What is the best advice anyone has ever given you? starting to write down all your feelings and stuff that happens

051: Do you have any regrets? If yes, what do you regret the most? not taking the opportunity to go to high school/ college early / skipping grades / trying harder on admissions tests

052: Do you find tattoos and/or piercings attractive? theyre pretty neat imo i like them

053: Do you want to get married? What are your views on marriage? marriage is such an old concept but also it seems kind of cool

054: Who are you most comfortable around? tbh its been myself for the last few weeks 

055: What are you wearing right now? What do you wear to bed? i am wearing shorts. i try not to wear too much when i sleep bc i overheat but if i have someone else in bed with me ill wear a thin shirt and shorts

056: When is your birthday? feb 26!

057: What is love to you? love is being able to send memes to each other and being able to go from 2 blobs watching videos to a fancy date and 

058: Are you a jealous person? i can be jealous if i dont trust whatever is happening

059: Would you rather go to a party or stay at home? hmm tbh id probably party if my friends were there or if not id stay at home 

060: How many relationships have you had? quite a few

061: Are you a positive person? sure, i guess ;)

062: What kind of people do you feel attracted to? smart people who are smart but also dumb and cute

063: What is the longest time you've stayed awake? oooowee i think 21 hours or so?

064: Have you ever been told "I don't want to lose you"? yep! proceeded to then lose me!

065: What is your favorite genre when it comes to movies? action comedy

066: Do you collect anything? memories and dust and trinkets

067: In your opinion, what is your best quality? i can make you laugh

068: Have you ever changed for someone?yep! it happens and its sad but it happens

069: What is your idea of a perfect date? a date is the entire day, starting out with waking up next to the person, eating breakfast together, maybe do some errands / work out, netflix and chill, chill, go out for a nice dinner and night out, come back, netflix and chill, chill, go to bed.

070: Are you shy or outgoing? i would love to say im outgoing but idk!

071: In your opinion, what is the secret for a great relationship? surprises everywhere

072: Are you the kind of person who breaks rules? hm im sure i did at some point. maybe i still do?

073: Is it hard for you to trust people? yea it can get a lil hard

074: What does your dream house look like? fat front yard, lots of plants, lots of green grass

075: Do you feel attracted to people your age, younger or older? hmm im at the ripe age of 19 where options younger than me are a lil sketch. idk according to the historia older people have been quality

076: How much have you changed over the past year? a LOT boii

077: Longest friendship you've ever had? hmm about 6 or 7 or 8 years

078: Do you have pets? If not, what animal would you like to have? no pets, id love dogs

079: Are you left or right handed? ambidextrous

080: What talent do you wish you’d been born with? perfect pitch would help a lot with what i like to do

081: Where do you get motivation and inspiration? minecraft parody songs, also seeing professionals doing what they do

082: Do you know how to swim? If yes, when did you learn? yea, i learned when i was in bellingham and then i learned more when i was in kent

083: You are given one wish: What do you wish for? i wish for 100 million dollars with no inflation, no taxes, no debts, no one filing a lawsuit or slandering my name (this is all a part of getting the 100 mil. ive thought about getting money a lot)

084: Do you like to give / receive flowers? What is your favorite flower? i like giving flowers bc i feel like if i receive them,  i dont know what to do. its now ur problem if i get you flowers

085: Would you rather travel to a cold forest or a warm beach? warm beach if its not in the early morning when the sun rises, otherwise, forest

086: What is one thing you can't forgive, that can destroy a friendship or relationship beyond repair? if u kill me i dont think i could get over that

087: What is the last thing you purchased? corsair mouse

088: Have you ever broken someone's heart? Ever gotten your heart broken? yep and yep

089: Have you ever cheated on someone? Ever been cheated on? no and yes

090: Do you believe in soulmates? uhhh its possible. theres 8 billion people on this planet, what are the odds that soulmates DOnt exist

091: Is there anybody you would do absolutely *anything* for? If yes, who? hmmmm not anything, but id do a fair bit for my friends

092: Share three facts about your life.: i like to eat, make friends, and travel/experience other cultures

093: Do you believe in love at first sight? i do, but most of the time it isnt reciprocated ;p

094: Would you date someone who smokes / drinks / does drugs / has a mental illness? yea, i dont see why that would stop me from dating them

095: You are given 15 minutes of fame: What would you do? ask for money

096: How is your dream partner like? shes funny, makes me laugh, smells good, etc

097: Would you rather commit to one person or have several relationships? id rather have several relationships so i know exactly what im looking for in a person.

098: What are some of your hobbies? league, hearthstone, watching people play league and hearthstone, french, etc

099: What kind of person do you want to be? i want to be the cool old person when im old

100: What did you have for breakfast? i had some vietnamese cuisine

101: What is your Top 3 favorite shows? What was your Top 3 favorite shows when you were a kid? the office is something i enjoy, mythbusters, uh scooby doo? idk 

102: What are three places you *really* would like to visit one day? hmmm maybe the trevi fountain, il duomo, totally la sagrada familia 

103: What was your last meal? What was your last beverage? breakfast, water

104: Who is the last person you had a deep conversation with? hmm probably anastasia

105: What is one thing that made you smile today? thinking about martinique

106: Do you like taking photos? If yes, what do you photograph the most?i love taking photos, but i never have subjects so i dont really take photos too often

107: Has anyone ever written a poem or a song dedicated to you? Have you? FHCk man i wish. wait there was a 100 things i like about you and i think about it all the time. i actually have written poems and stuff but tis been a  long time and i dont think my creative juices are back from that yet (but trust me, it was straight fire)

108: Do you remember your dreams? If yes, what was the last dream you remember about?: i remember almost all of my dreams because i always tell someone about them and idk talking helps me remember things 

109: If you could go back in the past, would you change anything? If yes, what? i would start learning things so much earlier and stick with theme

110: If you were given 3 million dollars, what would you do with them? invest 2 mill in the bank, get that monthly interest coming back in the mail, use that mill to pay off all my and my friends debts, live life the way i wished i could when i was little

111: What are a few facts about you that not many people know of? i like learning languages but its not profitable in this day and age i feel

'111 Questions': by Ira V. Simon (priveting)

i have a whole lotta shit to say right now yes i know its 1am and i have shit to do but look i need to get my emotions flowing so i can get my shit done

okay so my first topic is the fact that i was watching this is us with brittany and molly and just like the girls story and just like the group of people was like physically painful and terrible because thats the kinda shit that makes me feel terrible about my entire existence and just like thats how i feel in photos and shit and just its bad. its really really bad and i did not want/need that this week because i was like “oh maybe i’ll actually use all my meals this week” and now i want nothing less and just agh. im wary to call it triggering because i just hate using that word and just always convince myself that “oh well youve never actually had a doctor diagnose you with anything despite the fact that you go through really bad periods of over eating and then hardly eating” and therefore shouldnt use it its just its hard. because also i dont talk about anything really mental health related, though i’ve hinted.

second, apparently a friend of ours is bi which i learned tonight while molly was tryna help him deal with emotions about a boy from high school and i just had to like keep in some like personal feelings to try and be helpful because i do NOT want to really have that discussion with friends and this is leading into the

third and final point, which is also gonna be very ranty, but i need to just fuckin say my shit before i fuckin go in on this essay.

asexuality is real. aromantics are real. ace/aros are real. we’re not fuckin broken. you can be asexual and have sex, you can be asexual and be sex repulsed, hell you can be non-asexual and be sex repulsed. asexuality has to do with sexual attraction. we’re not just some straights that are like “wahhhhhh we want to be included tooooooooo”. and okay, yes, i am not acearo im panace but ya know what i would say i identify more with my aceness than my panness, probably due to the fucking connotation of saying that youre pan and being just like super sexual when really i just dont care about someones gender, if they’re pretty they’re pretty. yeah theres pressure about coming out. its real nice that i’ve always (like, since i was a child) said i dont want children and so my mother i think can accept that i dont want any kids, but like, my friends always talk about like “when we have kids, my future husband” blah blah hetero bullshit like i do not want children. i would consider adoption, but honestly i dont even know if i’ll ever fucking get married or ever be in a fucking relationship or any of that. and okay, yes, i do use tinder, which is an app primarily for hookups, yea, i get it. am i necessarily looking for a meaningful relationship through fucking tinder. hell to the fuck no. i do it to look at pretty people and be like “aaaaahhhhhhhh so much hunting so much guns ahhhhhhh more dead deer/ducks/fish GET ME AWAY FROM ALL THE CAMO REPUBLICANS” just like idk i want SOMEONE to think im pretty (which i have found) and its like im not real apt to put anything about my queerness on there because i do NOT need rapey vibes every other message (although as im making this post im also talking myself into putting something on here because ya know what guess what im not straight and i hate pretending that i am so i just need to stop also pretty girls/nb peeps please know im potentially interested) but like okay. i was going through some aphobic blogs/posts the other day/earlier and theyre like “its a disease” “sex is a human necessity” there was a comment suggesting aces are furries “never trust someone who doesnt like sex or food. they arent human” like jesus CHRIST the hypersexualized society we live in legitimately does make it harder to live and exist as an asexual. analogies to sex? nope. heteronormativity in regards to having sex? maybe not even het, also i just do not want sex. oh, im a plant? haha very funny. i just want to live in a society where i dont have to have sex to prove that i like actually love someone? like okay yeah obvi theres still people who go with like the whole waiting til marriage thing and like yeah if thats what they wanna do then go ahead but its not the same. IVE NEVER EVEN BEEN IN A FUCKING RELATIONSHIP because james is dense and actually being ace got in the way of that but thats another story and i feel like there would be some big ‘ol problems because what if the person i’m with really wants to have sex? like why cant i just like emotionally care about someone? why is it that being in a relationship with a person of any gender scares me because of the expectation that at some point we’ll have sex and im just like “or, alternative, no.”

i just want reassurance that this is not part of my mental illnesses, and this essay is going to ruin me, and i just made a stupid decision to look at a persons blog so fuck me (meaining dont, actually. i mean thats what life is doing and im not enjoying it)

do all of them you mother fucker

not Once but Twice u have done this to m 

Star Platinum – Your thoughts on the stars? i always did like then when i was younger but now they just make me think of jojo so now i especially like them 

Magician’s Red – Do you know any magic tricks? no but im gonna say what u said and i can bend my fingers waay way farther than most people

Hermit Purple – Show a photo of yourself! I HAVENT taken a selfie in forever i’ll do one later 

Silver Chariot (Requiem) – How much sleep do you need on average? i would love a good 10+ but i only get that much on saturday now boo but on average its like 6-7 

The Fool – Tell us a joke! Is your refrigerator running? Because i’m gonna suck your dick

The World -  A place you want to visit? canada like you would not believe 

Crazy Diamond – What do you treasure the most? hmmmmmmm my friendships with my friends 

The Hand – Do you like your hands? nnnot particularly bc i spent a good portion of my life and still do sometimes where i bit my nails til they bleed so they dont look as nice as i’d like them to be when they grow out 

Echoes – Your favourite sound? The world’s time stop sound, but not jotaro’s version, dio’s specifically

Heaven’s Door – Share a secret! my parents’ divorce has made me scared for the future of my own relationships to the point where i can see myself not ever wanting to be in a relationship ever again bc it would be easier than my partner getting tired of me or hating me. on top of the fact that i’m almost exactly like my father and my mom’s ex fiance in every single emotional department which is what caused their divorce/breakup respectively in the first place and that leads me to believe that in the long run i am Romantically  Unlovable 

Killer Queen – How would you like to die? preferably quick and painless 

Bad Company – What kind of character trades do you dislike? any character that is like ‘waahh wah no one understands me bc i enjoy [’highly advanced’ niche series/book/etc] and they all read [popular series/book/etc] like whatever the fuck his name was in aku no hana, it got so obnoxious i had to drop it lmao 

Red Hot Chili Pepper – Can you handle spicy food? cat’s out of the bag guys im actually a Fake Mexican bc i only like mild stuff and hot chips 

The Lock – Anything you feel guilty about right now? ya but thats for another day 

Love Deluxe – Are you secretly in love with someone right now? its absolutely no secret that i am in love with jonathan joestar 

Pearl Jam – Your signature dish? i can make some mean ass rice apparently 

Achtung Baby – Do you want kids? nnnope no thanks never ever i have my cat and thats enough for me 

Harvest – Do you pick up coins in from the street? no bc u dont know where thats been and money is super dirty already 

Cinderella – Which part of your body do you like the most? dang, i guess my thighs? but lately i’ve been a lot easier on myself abt my stomach and how soft it is 

Atom Heart Father – How is your relationship with your father? pretty good bc we’re really alike in temperament too but sometimes it gets pretty awkward bc he can never see me as anything but his little baby daughter who Never Grows Up

Enigma – What is puzzling you currently? when is davidpro gonna drop the part 5 teaser 

Earth Wind and Fire – What’s the best classical element? i personally have always liked fire 

Stray Cat – Cats or dogs? i love both but man im more suited for cats 

Gold Experience – A precious experience you have not shared with your followers? oh man over this summer my dad his gf and me and my sis when on a trip to her dad’s place in this really small town that was like 3 hours away from our city and it was so nice and quiet and peaceful and i felt so clean and happy there, we were only there for a couple days but ever since i’ve really been wanting to go back

Sticky Fingers – Zippers or buttons? zippers are so much faster but they get caught sometimes so Really, pros and cons of each 

Moody Blues – A song that makes you sad? OOO man i was gonna say epitaph bc Of Course but as i was writing this down melancholy man by moody blues came up on this playlist and now im thinkin abt abba and crying 

Sex Pistols – Have you ever shot a gun or riffle? no im tiny and a weenie and i would probably die from the recoil

Aerosmith – Are you afraid of flights? ive never been on one but i am scared of heights so i cant imagine thats any better 

Purple Haze – What makes you really angry? it used to be not being listened to but now i just let it happen bc Why bother but now its more whenever my mom makes a big deal out of simple mistakes of waiters/waitresses or when shes being obviously racist 

Spice Girl – Your favourite spice? idk what its called but theres this one i like to put on fruit before i eat it to make it Spicy 

King Crimson – Is it possible to predict the future? man idk my mom says yea but who knows 

Black Sabbath – How easily do you trust people? like stupidly easy 

Man in the Mirror – Do you like looking into the mirror? nope lol im ugl. ALSO bc i have a bigger than average fear of reflective stuff in general bc what if i see somethign behind me u kno,,,, 

Beach Boy – Have you ever been fishing? nope! the one time my dad went that i knew abt i was in mexico 

The Grateful Dead – What do you want to be remembered for? honestly, anything else that being the ‘way too nice one’ or the doormat 

White Album – Your favourite CD? aaaaa i dont have one i dont really listen to albums 

Talking Head – Are you a good liar? i guess ? i can keep a pretty straight face but its harder to lie to someone i actually know really well bc they can probably tell what my tics are 

Baby Face – Your thought on babies? theyre cute but i would greatly prefer to never have any 

Metallica – Do you like listening to metal? yea

Green Day – Ideal way to spend a day off? sleep, Sleep, stream with friends and lay in bed

Oasis – Best place for a holiday? hhhhh anyplace that relaxes u tbh 

Stone Free – Are you a indoor or outdoor person? i n d o o r i dont like bugs 

Kiss – Who would you like to kiss or get a kiss from? jonathan joest

Burning Down the House – Ever destroyed something and then regretted it? nah, once again im a weenie and im too worried abt consequences to ever do smth like that

Foo Fighters – Your favourite drink? god damn i fucking love raspberry iced tea 

Diverdown – Your thoughts on diving? the ocean fills me with the fear of god. no thanks 

C-Moon – What would you do for your friend’s sake? put myself in bodly harm 

MadeinHeaven – What do you believe happens after you died? nothing tbh you just end up in a grave or urn or wherever u wanted to be put 

Weather Report – Your favourite weather? man i looove love stormy weather 

Whitesnake – Your thoughts on snakes/reptiles? i love them theyre all gorgeous and beautiful

Tusk – Tea or coffee? coffee

Ball Breaker – Your favourite ball game? to play? its basket ball but to watch baseball 

Oh! Lonesome Me – Do you feel lonely right now? no not right now but im sure it’ll happen soon 

Scary Monsters – Your favourite dinosaur? i love velociraptors and also triceratops !!

Cream Starter – Do you usually wear make up? nope and if i do its only ever lipstick

Catch the Rainbow – Your favourite colour in the rainbow? blue and green!! 

Ticket to Ride – What was the last ticket you bought for? i didnt buy it but the last one i had was for the rogue one like. 2 weeks ago

Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap – Do you believe in the multiverse? i dont think abt it too often but sure

In a Silent Way – Do you enjoy complete silence? yes!! besides some music, i cant concentrate otherwise 

Soft & Wet – Shower or bath? shower bc its easier but i havent taken a bath in forever 

Paisley Park – How good are you with reading maps/directions? Terrible God Awful

Nut King Call – How good are you at assembling/constructing things like Ikea furniture? hmm it depends if i have the manual for it and if i have time to really think on it and im not in a rush or anything

Paper Moon King – Can you do any origami? nope 

King Nothing – Your favourite smell? i really like the smell of cinnamon 

BornThisWay – A strange habit you have? i crack my fingers all the damn time and i like to take off the little plastic circle off of soda bottles and chew on it 

Les Feulies – Your favourite plant? oh damn hmm i like lavenders 

Fun Fun Fun – Something you really enjoy doing? man. i could watch jojo a million times over and i’d never get bored of it 

California King Bed – What size is your bed? currently i sleep in a queen size bc my mom and sis and i share a bed bc we only had one room in our old apartment but now that we moved im sure i’ll be kicked off into a twin soon enough 

JESUS christ ok its almost midnight i hope ur happy you mother fuckre 

polyamory

or is it just hookup culture

both exist. i dont think what im involved in is deep enough to be considered a polyamorous relationship, because i dont think this guy likes me enough to consider me a person he’s in a relationship with. I’m in that point where I’m afraid to ask him anything for fear of scaring him away. Which isn’t healthy at all, I realize. 

We went to a BDSM dungeon party friday night. I admitted to him that thats extremely intimidating to me. New places in general, new bars, new friends houses, new places freak me out and make me feel anxiety. So this was definitely, obviously, in that vein as well. But we went in, and my confidence felt normal. I wasnt buzzing with comfort, I didnt feel myself glowing (I miss that feeling) but it wasnt scary. If anything it felt neutral. And I felt okay because he and I were together. Hooking up with him wasnt frightening or anything at all, I felt safe because I felt wanted by him. It was liberating. Then again, there wasnt a ton of competition, he even said the next day that he didnt really think anyone else there was attractive. So I wonder if things wouldve been different had there been sexier women there. 

I have no idea how to feel right now. 

He just messaged me via facebook and didnt ask, he simply said “i'm gonna spend the night with my new friend Ali tonight,”

and continued on, “ does that make you feel any particular way to hear me say?”

And I hesitated in a major way. To be honest, my stomach dropped. Same way my stomach dropped when I was over there Friday night before we left for our event and found an open condom at the foot of his bed. I mean, I know we’re not exclusive, I’ve known that from the start. And have been down with it from the start. I had sex with someone else, too. And definitely dont hesitate flirting or carrying on with people when he’s not around. Which is why I’m not sure how I feel right now. Its a double standard, right? That I’m imposing? I want to be the apple of his eye, of everyone’s fucking eye... I want to be the only one, but yet I want to have the freedom to do what I want and not be judged or managed or shamed... 

But I like legit hate this feeling now. I hate that he’s with somebody else, that he’s excited to spend time with some new other girl. I’m trying to be confident, to know that humans are humans and we all have different things to offer and she’s not me and I’m not her, and that there are things about me that are very special and that him sleeping with her doesnt negate anything about how rad I am. 

But like, if he thinks I’m rad and likes me, why not just... ask me to hang out tonight? It makes my insecurities skyrocket. Like, am I not interesting enough? Not pretty enough, funny enough? Was I not as cool as I thought I was? Am I being TOO clingy now that he and I are getting more comfortable? Am I setting myself up as the hookup BDSM group party friend? Because although I am excited about exploring that without judgement or slut shaming, my HEART NEEEEDS so much more... I’m scared. Multi level scared, like... He asked “does that make you feel any particular way to hear me say?” 

I wanted to type YES YES IT DOES MAKE ME FEEL A PARTICULAR WAY AND I DONT LOVE IT. but like... fuck man, like... does that ruin everything? he wont reconsider hanging out with her if I dont like it. I feel like he’d just still hang with her and reconsider ME. 

I want to be special enough for someone to prioritize. I guess maybe him deciding to ask me IS showing me he respects me? But it kinda feels like a trick question sortof? I mean... he wasnt asking me if it was okay for him to sleep with her. that part of the message was a statement of fact. 

The question was, does it make me FEEL something. that feels like a trick question. Does he want me to feel jealous? I kindof wish he did... Like, if he felt jealous of some other guy I’m sleeping with, I’d feel flattered. And consider trying to be more monogomous to consider his feelings, tbh. 

So what if I’d said, yes that makes me feel jealous? 

And then like... what if thats bad and then my jealousy scares him off or bothers him or makes him worry that theres pressure on him now and all the other things women do to men and men do to women in relationships...!?! I know he’s afraid of expectations, he said so in a voicemail and has never brought it back up... which I find quite telling. Its clear he’s scared. Which is kindof what I considered, warp speed, before I typed my reply to him on facebook fucking messenger. 

Because, you know, conversations of the heart deserve a rich and immersive platform, LIKE FACEBOOK FUCKING MESSENGER -___-

I replied to him with two gifs. 

One was a “eehhhhh I dont knoooooowww about this....” squidgy eyed shrug sortof face. 

Then the next one was a “go for it girl” wink from The New Girl. 

Then I wrote 

“ i think polyamory is great, the experience with you has been my first foray into it and so while i have pangs of hesitation, all in all im confident in myself and fucking love our chemistry and feel a smoothness to it all“

I dont totally feel a smoothness to it all. What I really wanted to say was, “just help me feel special. as long as I feel special to you, like, you show me that I matter to you, I’m down with other women in your life. Just dont make me feel like I’m just a consolation prize or a second thought or like, a back burner sort of person.  Make me feel special, that you know I’m awesome, and I’m okay” 

But I dont know if that would have read well. 

With my ex, that didnt go well. I didnt articulate it in a manner he understood and I guess I came off sounding like a controlling diva princess. Which I still dont totally understand but, hey, we’re all biased to whats in our own heads. Our own words and opinions always make sense to US because theyre OURS, right? So yea. I didnt type all that. 

I tried to come off as cool. Hesitant, but confident. So I hope that he like... sees that and like, sees me being cool and KNOWS that I’m special. Because I imagine not everyone would reply like that? Fuck me man. FUUUCKK, see!? all this big long post... I’m not cool about this. 

Who is she? Is she hotter, funnier, cooler? better in bed? is it a psychology thing, like shes a NEW person so thats intriguing? Younger? Harder to get? I’ll never know unless we talk about it but I’m concerned talking about it I’ll slip up and say the wrong thing and lose this whole situation, then he’ll DEFINITELY sleep with other people and DEFINITELY put me on the back burner and OMG insecurities suck.

I just want somebody to see me as awesome as I feel, and say nice things and want to be around me the way I want to be around them. I want to share and make music and food with someone I love and tell them theyre great and make out and make love and be proud to hold hands at a party and have no one else because we’ve got all we need and aint nobody gon’ step to our awesomeness because we’re royalty. Like having a best friend. Like a beeeeeest friend. 

I asked him if shes coming to his New Years Day party. I’ve been looking forward to going for a few days now, but now I’m realizing I wont necessarily be the apple of his eye. I’m horrible at competing for attention, especially in a blatant way. Plus I think it puffs up men’s egos too much to like, fawn for attention. I know I just have to be myself and if he sees me and notices and comes over to give ME attention then thats great, and if not I’m still just present and being myself and thats as pure as it has to be...

But I have a knot in my stomach now. Im trying really hard to be cool while still dropping hints of like, Hey I want you to treat me like a lady and maybe kiss my cheek and tell me its all gonna be okay, so to speak. 

I dont want to need to be coddled. But I’m not that indifferent of a person. I want to KNOW how people feel about me. 

I guess it could be cool tho, to like... be sexy and sexual and know he’s into me but okay with me expressing myself with other people. That is actually pretty cool, if thats whats happening. 

But then why am I having such a hard time turning it around and being happy for him and confident for him and psyched for him to be with other people? 

I feel like, ideally, I want to be with someone super hot and sexy and JUST into me, but to have the same intentions of like... kicking ass and taking names TOGETHER. Like, having threesomes or group sex and dominating the room, having everyone love us and fawn over us, but KNOW that we’re a TEAM and that without a single down we kick ass TOGETHER and are only in love with each other. That we can be physical and enjoy other people but at the end of the day we’re the ones in charge, our love is untouchable and although other people are fun and part of the mix, that nothing can reach the pinnacle of awesome that is us. 

THAT would be tight. But I dont think he’s in that frame of mind. Nor am I sure that I’d even want that with someone I’m not in love with. And I’m not in love with him. Not yet any way. There’s so much more to learn first. SOOOOOOO much more to learn first. 

Our “relationship”? does feel more mature though. At least for me. I am (contrary to this journal entry) much more brave about saying things out loud to him. I feel like I can confess and be more truthful about my opinions and what I need. Not entirely, but definitely more than with my ex. 

uuuugh I feel sad and weird. Probably gonna clean my room and pirate some version of Spirited Away offline. 

He just sent me a last little thing, because I said “have a good time tonight, be safe plz (implying please use a condom) and I’ll see ya next year.”

To which he replied “I absolutely will. Sending love hunnybunch.”

So he’s sending love... 

Thats at least a smidge of ease off the knot in my stomach. I just wanna feel special :/ I hope she knows about ME. I want some manner of authority here. Although I dont tell other people I flirt or hook up with that I’m sleeping with him... But should I? Are we stepping into actual relationship territory? 

I feel like if I knew where he placed me in this then I’d have more solid footing. But how the fuck do I ask that without sounding like a total dweeb/ or Nazi / or chaperone / or old lady? 

FUUUCK I feel so dumb! 

How can I feel less dumb?

No one is gonna read this far. 

Goodnight.