New set at the climbing gym today. The problems are new enough they don't have grades yet so me and partner are just throwing ourselves at whatever looks doable. There's this tallish slab problem with a HUGE muscly move up to the end hold but I'm looking at it like. Yeah, I can do it. Which, if I think I can do it with some practice, usually means it's no higher than a v4-v5 (intermediate range, for non climbers). Girl comes over to ask what grade we think it is, we tell her v4-ish. She can't do it either. Then her boyfriend comes over and flashes the problem with the BIGGEST, SHAKIEST power move accompanied by the loudest power yell I have ever heard. Then he hops down and goes "that's not a v4, that's at LEAST a v6 or v7 (start of advanced ranges), especially at this gym because their setting is so soft." And we were like, ok sure dude, but I'm still eyeing this problem like "...but I could do it though?" And granted I'm good at slab, but I'm not like. V6 good at slab.

Anyway, I looked that problem up on my gym's app when I got home and it's a... drumroll please... v3 (aka lower intermediate/tough beginner range).

Moral of the story: the confident power shouting white man at your climbing gym in fact does NOT know everything, even if he thinks he does, but hey, that might have actually felt like a v6 to him the same way it felt like a v4 to me. Similarly, my v3 might feel like a v5 to my partner, who is nine inches shorter than me, or vice versa, because she is much stronger. Grades are ONE PERSON'S thoughts on how hard something is -- almost always the setter. They don't reflect the varieties of skills, body types, and sheer motherfucking audacity you will encounter in a group of climbers. You're way better off listening to your body and taking advice from people with skill sets and body types like yours than letting your confidence be dictated by beta-spraying randos at the gym OR routesetters themselves.

Catcalling the 97%

I really have to stop responding to troll comments online, sometimes they just make it so easy though and with a broken wrist, time off work and a never ending lockdown....realistically what else am i going to do with my time?

So i made some videos on tik tok (yes.....i fell down the millenial tik tok hole) about the 97% statistic and on sexual harassment in general. From seeing videos and reading comments i can see that there are a lot of people who don’t understand what SH actually is or why something they (men generally) consider innocuous could be so threatening to women. So on an app with the highest population of trolls in social media history...i engaged. 

A comment i received on a video yesterday went something like this....”why can’t women just take a compliment? I mean you don’t have to say thanks...just carry on with your day and stop crying about it”. Yes, he was talking about catcalling. So when i read comments like this from user123456789 with no profile picture or followers or bio....i think to myself, are they just a bored troll seeing how much trouble they can cause, do they genuinely believe the idiocy they are spewing, or is it both? Either way, i couldn’t pass up the opportunity to reply to this one (against my better judgement...again, i am very bored)

I obviously didn’t manage to have a serious conversation with this dude because he was an ignorant pig, but i made a video in reply to his comment explaining what catcalling is really about and why it is quite so disgusting/threatening. It constantly surprises me how many people know nothing about the experiences of women, some because they don’t want to and i guess others because they aren’t in a relationship where these experiences are shared (unlike my poor husband who has my experiences and feminist take on life shoved down his throat on a daily basis).

I asked my husband recently if he considered that he had ever sexually harassed anyone and to my surprise he very quickly responded with a clear “yes”. As with most men, his intention wasn’t to harass or intimidate women, rather to have a laugh or act the big man in front of the group. I don’t believe that any man really thinks that catcalling will get him the girl, my husband says that if he was genuinely interested in someone then it would never have been the way he went about it. It is a demonstration of “masculinity” mostly, its “banter” and in some cases its a power display and yes....a way to intimidate women. 

Catcalling itself is a bizarre behaviour - shouting shit at random people on the street isn’t generally acceptable social behaviour, but why is it sexual harassment rather than just a weird behaviour that some (a lot) of men perpetrate? Someone (yes...a man) said to me yesterday online that what makes an act harassment is not the consequence but the intent and i could not disagree more. By this logic someone could commit any number of crimes and be absolved depending on their intent. 

What is the compliment that has most stuck with you? For me personally i don’t want to be complimented on my looks or body, a compliment that will stick with me will likely be about intelligence or achievement, things that i have worked hard for. Someone shouting at me in the street about how i look is certainly NOT a compliment. 

We have all experienced it and most of us a lot worse. So going back to the comment this neanderthal made on my video....most women DO ignore this kind of behaviour, however much we may want to tell them to go fuck themselves, the majority of the time we ignore it...put our heads down, cross the road and speed up. Why? Because to do otherwise has the potential for danger for us as women. Lets face it, even when we do ignore it they often continue to shout at us or even follow us down the street. Most women have had experiences with either sexual harassment or sexual assault and so how do they expect us to react when they start yelling this crap at us in the street? It is NOT a compliment and it IS harassment. It is scary, demeaning, intimidating and often insulting. It makes us feel uncomfortable and it changes the way that women behave in public. 

A few years ago i had a conversation with my husband about “walking while female”. He had no idea the way in which women adapt their behaviour to promote their own safety in public. Simple things that men take for granted - walking with both earphones in, walking at night, not having to be hyper aware of their surroundings, not crossing the road when they see someone walking towards them and not having to plan their route according to which route they will be less likely to be attacked on. These are things that girls and women do almost without thinking about, it is an ingrained behaviour....something we don’t remember being taught ourselves but we certainly remember the sad day we have to teach our daughters the same lessons. 

If men could stop being defensive for a minute and listen to the experiences we have had our entire lives maybe they could understand why a stranger screaming judgement on your looks/body on the street would trigger our fight or flight response. Of course there are men that look for this exact reaction, they love the power they have over women and live to incite fear. I have to believe that this is the minority though and what these defensive men don’t seem to realise is that it is those men they are defending when they defend this behaviour. 

That someone (even a tiktok troll) would suggest that women stop crying and just ignore the behaviour rather than advocating for men to stop and understand how destructive this behaviour is proves to me how strong the band of brothers is. The irony is that they are the ones screaming not all men at the top of their lungs while mansplaining how women’s experiences are invalid...thus making them...one of “those” men. 

I have never before experienced this level of determination to not listen...it brings women down to the point of not wanting to talk about their experiences. It is an excellent silencing technique. Unfortunately i think most men don’t realise that this is the intention and they genuinely feel like they are being victimised. 

And how the fuck are we supposed to grow as a society when the perpetrators are so convinced that they are the victims?

aaand my 9.18 thoughts! there are many of them. this is the episode with danny’s mother in law and it was... a ride.

half naked sweaty man growls at random cars in the dark - is this teen wolf? twilight? so many possibilities

half naked sweaty man just got hit by a truck in a way he probably won’t survive if he’s not actually a werewolf. i don’t recall that ever happening in twilight, gosh.

we get steve and danny arriving at the hilton! this i’ve seen, because it was one of the preview clips, but i do like it a lot. i also like that steve implies that danny has been holding the liver donation over steve’s head constantly for favors, because a) we haven’t actually seen danny do that in recent times as far as i remember? like, at all? but mostly: b) this opens up endless fic opportunities about the many and varied Things Danny Asks Steve To Do to repay him for, and I quote danny here, “the gift of life”. that’s beautifully dramatic. nice choice of words.

and another thing: steve is claiming that this is the last favor he’ll do for danny and then they’ll be even, but come on, steve, honey. we all know who you are. we’ve all seen you agree to run a flipping restaurant with danny. like you’re going to tell him no after this, next time he asks you to do something ridiculous

danny: “your naive optimism is uh, is very cute.” steve: [looks at danny sideways for a moment too long]

danny is trying to tell steve that his mother in law tortured him his entire marriage and steve’s not really getting it, so that’s Not Good, but i’m skipping past that for the moment and hopping straight into “what are you gonna do? just tell me.” / “i’m gonna stand there and look handsome and not say anything.” because that is Good. i rambled about this in the tags of some post, i think, but i love how steve’s response is clearly rehearsed and probably something danny fed him pretty literally (“[don’t just] stand there and look handsome” is an exact phrase danny used earlier this season, even), which is something all kinds of things could be said about in general, but also means that danny indirectly called steve cute AND handsome in the span of maybe a minute of this episode. wherever this ends up, at least it has a good start

this DANGER! DANGER! music when rachel’s mother opens the door both made me laugh with how unexpectedly over the top it was and has me kind of tired of the setup of this plotline already. terrible, horrible mother in law stories? i’m not a huge fan

alright, so i’m ignoring all the prickly passive-agressive behavior from rachel’s mom towards danny for the moment because ugh, and what i like far better anyway is how well steve is keeping to his mission to stand sit there and look handsome and not say anything. he even LOOKS AT DANNY FOR PERMISSION when rachel’s mom asks him a direct question that he can’t answer with stoic, handsome silence.

the first words out of steve’s mouth are, of course, “daniel’s my partner”. when are they not. (though he did remember the “we work together” bit this time, which is rare)

he called danny “daniel” and introduces himself as “steven” which cracks me up for no good reason. i guess he’s trying to be fancy?

i... i... you know, i just don’t really know what to say about the way rachel’s mom (amanda savage, i think? let’s call her amanda) snubs danny every chance she gets and flirts with steve in this extremely, well, almost stereotypical “rich older woman on the prowl” way. idk, i really think meeting rachel’s mom could have been very interesting, but with the way this character was written and behaves, she’s pretty much a caricature. not even in a way that’s clever or funny to me, just in a way that really tires me out because it’s mean and not very interesting and every so slightly misogynistic.

steve: “i can handle myself.” amanda, leering: “i bet you can.” danny: YEP ALRIGHT i’m going to jump in here with an unnecessary defense of steve that sounds like i’m boasting about him.

steve thinks danny needs to relax. oh boy. oh babe. that’s maybe not... quite the right way to handle this situation where your bff is very clearly being put down repeatedly by a woman that he’s been telling you (also repeatedly) that he has a bad history with. on the other hand, you know, i could almost make steve’s reaction here make sense for myself, because amanda reminds me of steve’s own mom in certain ways and steve’s never been good at standing up against doris or seeing her shit for what is really is either, so. gosh. boy has some issues. (but danny still REALLY deserves better support than this, so get over it, steve.)

why the random single word of italian, steve, omg. danny’s “kiss ass” was very deserved.

junior: “the killer’s dna or fingerprints could be on one of these vials.” tani: “ugh, wouldn’t that be oh so helpful? which probably means it’s not gonna happen.” tani, you poetic and nobel land mermaid, you really don’t know how these detective shows work, do you?

i do like this case that the rest of five-0 is working on, by the way! it’s very interesting so far

steve: “i am four glasses of champagne in today.” fdjkfdjk maybe that’s how he’s still so cheerful in amanda’s presence. hey danny, there’s your solution: day drinking.

okay. OKAY. amanda just handed steve and only steve a present for all his hard work because he “came of [his] own volition”, which sure, whatever, obviously she was going to snub danny here too by not getting him anything, but the reason for it is what bugs me. “i realize of course that daniel had to come because of the family obligations and that”, she says, but omg, WHAT family obligations? he divorced your daughter, holy shit. he’s your grandkids’ dad, but that’s a LOT of corners to take before we get to you two being family, let alone having any obligations to each other. which, really, even if he did have those - maybe you, dear amanda, could possibly be convinced to feel obligated to be ever so slightly less completely hostile to this guy who’s doing you a favor. this is. this is very annoying.

this thing where steve asks amanda about where she gets the ideas for her books and amanda says she just had some inspiration for a story about a policeman who risks everything for the love of an older woman? i mean, i knew something like that was coming, because it had to, but i still think it’s pretty damn creepy.

steve: “i would uh, i would read that.” steve, darling, the fuck are you doing.

danny: “yeah, except he can’t actually read unless it’s a cereal box or something like that.” completely untrue (steve is a nerd! steve reads for fun!), but also completely deserved, holy shit. wreck him, danny.

amanda complains about rachel’s wedding day (when she was getting married to danny, obviously, who’s sitting right next to her) and we’re getting some impressive Looks between steve and danny and yes!! that’s better!! that’s more like the understanding danny deserves

danny’s dad paid extra for the fish tank in the wedding day limousine for amanda (which means he went out of his way to get her something nice!) that she’s now ragging on, and her answer is “well daniel, you and i have different ideas of what constitutes class” which is just. god. i hate everything about that. and not even in the way where it’s fun to dislike a character, which it can be if things are done right, but in the way where it just... physically makes my skin crawl. idk if this is still supposed to be funny, but it’s not my idea of humor.

junior: “i’m pretty sure that guy thinks i’m gay.” tani: “weird. just a normal, heterosexual dude chatting up every muscley guy in this gym. what would make anyone think that?” okay, so this isn’t the most original joke ever, but this show is often so extremely straight that i’m just low key very excited about every single time they acknowledge the fact that that’s not entirely the only option. also, i love tani. so much.

TANI HAS TO IMPROVISE A DANCE CLASS. “booty boost 101.” beautiful. THAT’S the content i’m here for, omg.

danny: “you hear that stuff about the wedding?” steve: “yeah, that was a little harsh.” A LITTLE. and then he starts explaining the difference between the english and americans to danny, which, sweetheart, danny was married to an englishwoman for a decade. you’re mansplaining this except, like, to another man, for a change.

danny tells steve that he FLEW TO ENGLAND on a budget to ask amanda for rachel’s hand because rachel’s dad had passed away and amanda told him no. oh, fuck off. steve, you fuck off too, right now, because i love you but you’re being Not Great about this.

steve: “you know what that is, right? that right there, that’s self-pity.” STEVE. NO. BAD STEVE. i get where he’s coming from and maybe danny even needs to hear this on some level, but steve can’t say this shit after he’s already been taking amanda’s side all day.

steve: “cause let me telll you right now, you, my friend, you are more than adequate.” danny: “thank you. thank you.” steve: “you’re welcome.” that’s more like it! it’s a start, anyway, even though it’s probably all we’re going to get.

danny has made reservations at THREE fancy restaurants to give amanda options, but she asks for steve’s opinion and he (of course) takes her to kamekona’s. oh god. but hey, at least danny’s “please make sure that everything is fresh, because if she gets food poisoning we’ll all be killed” made me laugh.

FLIPPA READS ROMANCE NOVELS AND WILL NOT BE ASHAMED OF IT. this is the first actually good thing to come out of this whole romance novel author thing!

steve, to amanda, while danny is out of earshot: “you know i got to tell you something, i’ve known a lot of people in my life, and that man right there? [points to danny, pauses] he’s the best of the best.” this is GOOD, but you should perhaps consider not only taking danny’s side with any kind of conviction when it’s behind his back. he needs to hear this!!!

amanda pretends to be unsure if steve means flippa or danny and steve goes, actually kind of annoyed for the first time all day, “mandy”, and i appreciate that. i appreciate less that amanda immediately tries to change the subject so they’re talking about steve.

danny tries one last time to point out to amanda that she’s being unfair and when she’s still unwilling to admit to anything he calmly STANDS UP and WALKS AWAY. i can’t even put words to how much i’m cheering for him right now because SHIT YES GOOD FUCKING FINALLY. plus, the way he did this? fuck. i’m proud.

amanda’s reaction: “ah.” can we, like... send her into space? permanently?

steve’s face, though, is far more interesting to me.

lou shoots the doctor who was trying to run away in the leg!!!! holy shit, that’s exactly the thing i’m always quietly wondering about, because it would be SUCH a good way to keep someone from running without, you know, killing the suspect on the spot.

this thing with tani almost dying was intense, god.

danny is at the hotel bar and tells the bartender he has a buddy coming to meet him (which is why he buys two beers) soooo that’s very obviously steve. and then amanda turns up. which i knew would happen, because i’ve seen people talk about it, but still. not what we want.

amanda...... “swiped”..... steve’s phone. meaning she lured danny here using steve. great. awesome. just, really, just super. (like. fucking at least be honest about wanting to talk to danny or something, if that’s what you want. he’s been nothing but curteous to you despite your horrific behavior, and still you feel the need to trick him into this? jesus.)

“sorry for all the subterfuge but i had to have a conversation with you and i knew that you’d say no if i asked.” if there’s one thing that’s become pretty clear this episode it’s that she literally doesn’t know danny at all, omg, but i guess that at least this is in character for her by now.

oh my gosh. just. oh my fucking god. amanda tells danny that she kind of identified with him because she grew up with three siblings in a two-bedroom apartment, but she always wanted something more, and she was looking for a good man but never found one, and then she was jealous of rachel when rachel found danny because he is a good man. this is so many levels of fucked up all stacked on top of each other that i don’t even want to try to pry them apart right now.

danny, very drily: “hm.” I LAUGHED SO HARD. this episode is shitty to danny, but at least danny’s reactions are very on point and relatable.

amanda goes on, and of course shit gets worse, because her bodyguard isn’t even out of commission, she just used that as a ploy to “have a talk” with danny. danny kind of laughs like this is the weirdest shit he’s heard all week and goes “yeah?” and honestly, poor guy.

danny: “you didn’t wanna just tell me that when you, when you first saw me? you wonna torture me for the whole day?” you know, one thing i’m glad for is that at least, at the very least, the show lets danny be fully aware that this is Not Okay.

amanda: “do you care about my daughter, daniel?” danny: “yes, i do.” amanda: “well good, then don’t toy with her affections. i know that you two have been seeing each other a lot and i know that she is talking about you all the time so i don’t want to see her hurt again, okay?” listen. this is just. this is just such bizarre retcon shit the writers are trying to pull about the way things between rachel and danny went down that i just. i’m mad, on some level, sure, but mostly i just have to laugh because it’s so ridiculous? danny’s mother in law is an absolute nightmare to him all day, then lies to get him to this hotel bar for a talk, confesses she orchestrated this entire day just to get to this talk (but still wilfully made him miserable for some reason? why???), and tells him that he shouldn’t play with her daughter’s feelings after she’s never been anything but awful to him, has tried to keep her away from her daughter from the very start, and just told him that she apparently did all of that (for years and years!) because she was jealous that rachel had found a Good Man and she hadn’t. i am. completely overwhelmed, honestly. this is too much to take in.

amanda: “i want you to do right by her. will you do right by her?” danny: “yes.” danny looks confused, and that’s how i feel, honestly.

... and. and then he pays for champagne for her. wasn’t she having dinner with rachel and the kids? why is she drinking champagne with danny now? 

okaaaaay. so. this was... an episode. that’s something i can say for sure.

for all of the rest of it, i think i need to give this some time to sink in and mull it over, because there’s A LOT to unpack here. amanda is, uh, a strong character. she doesn’t seem like a person i’d wish on anyone, least of all as a mom. rachel’s deception and her penchant for lying to danny? yeah, i can see where that’s coming from, now. that’s one interesting thing to come from this episode, i suppose - some character background for rachel.

then there’s steve, who took most of this way less seriously than i think he really should have, and when he finally started seeing sense and sticking up for danny near the end of the episode, he just... disappeared. i really wanted steve and danny to at least have some kind of talk after danny walked away from kamekona’s, but that was the last we saw of steve. danny was trying to have a beer with steve, but obviously that turned out to have been amanda’s charming little “ploy”, so he ended up having champagne with amanda instead. which is still. uh. weird. she never apologized for any of the shit she pulled (except for that little “sorry for all the subterfuge” which really doesn’t cover it) and even after she supposedly explained herself, she still turned her nose up at the beer that danny had bought for steve and offered to her until he said she could have something else if she wanted. doesn’t she have her own money? she’s a rich romance author. buy your own fucking champagne, amanda. or better yet, cover danny’s beer - it’s the last you could do.

what i liked a little more was danny’s complete lack of a reaction to most of what amanda said to him at the bar. i mean, he laughs and looks disbelieving and possibly a little wtf-ish, but that’s about it. i’m guessing, as usual when it comes to anything danny&rachel related, that the writers are interpreting this differently from what i want to read into this (or at least they’re using it to push in a direction i really don’t want to go), but that’s the thing about this - it’s pretty open to interpretation, because danny says very little and his faces could mean any of a million things.

also. that talk at the bar? it feels kind of useless in the end. amanda said some stuff but didn’t apologize or promise to change her behavior and in fact she seemed pretty much the same with her whole champagne thing, and danny didn’t really get to say anything at all, so this does pretty much nothing for them. i guess the champagne was meant as a celebration for... a new level of understanding? but is that really something that was happening there? you could read that into it, if you really wanted to, but i’m not seeing it.

anyway. i liked the drugs storyline that the rest of five-0 was working on! that was good. the steve and danny part... i don’t know. it was a lot.

I have changed my annual reading challenge to 50 from 20 due to such a progressive mind month the last month, and I’ve completed another 6 this week. It’s fucking astounding, and I won’t be immodest about it after struggling and wishing to read for so long but being too disinterested in the world around me for a while. I can’t express how glad I am that I’m out of my non reading hole and going with the flow where it takes me. I stopped pressuring myself and it got better, and found dozens of new titles to love and build my physical library with again in due time. I’m impressed with myself and am being reminded what I can do and what I was capable of, that it’s not just gone, and getting immeasurable support from those close who are thrilled on my behalf is something else, not to mention the relief of feeling better about my capabilities where I convinced myself I was useless and couldn’t do anything anymore due to poor health, poor mental health, and poor circumstances getting me down so no motivation, when it just wasn’t true. I’m mending my confidence and I feel better and feeling things again that isn’t just suffering. I love using my hyper focus to my advantage and it’s a strength. It was only really Genshin for awhile which I still do plenty, I’m at level 50 now holy shit! On top of that my hand written journaling seems to be going down well on the forums which was only meant to be useful to me with how my brain prefers to structure information that originally some party pooper had a moment of snootiness about implying I was stupid and tried mansplaining information like how to see where the ingredients of a meal is like dude I know can’t you see I’m literally writing down the said ingredients right here 😂 I just choose not to use the method of going backwards and forwards constantly to look at each and every meal as it’s all just written in a list here quick and easy! It’s been great journaling and it made things a lot faster, plus it looks adorable when customised haha.

I have gained so many beautiful new worlds and more, even inspiration to do art, inspiration to open a business, to go out, to bask in what I love again. Hi hello it’s nice to have hobbies??? Thanks brain for allowing permission to enjoy them, father.

All I want now is my health and the gender clinic to even whisper a word to me and my life has improved beyond what I could’ve hoped for with the multitudes of shit pot luck I’ve had thrown my way for a very long time. And even the first may be happening, I finally got actually into minor injuries for a scan today, freakin’ fabulous. Grim but that means Something and not flakey “we’ll see u in a month, wait some more”, and the crippling call of them putting my treatment on hold another 3 months (should’ve been January). I’ve kinda just given up tbh, but doing this stuff has kept me in good places during when I do them. 🖤

Oh and holy fuck I am even trying to do cosplay again, genuinely thought I just wouldn’t as it’s so hard to get dressed even in casual clothes, so that I am proud about.

Callout post: me

lying, manipulative, hold grudges, constantly paranoid, would absolutely 100% check out a teenager if nobody was looking because "it's a harmless crime", liar, cycle through idealization and devaluation, 'sick of fat people trying to be the next civil rights issue and making it that much harder to get civil rights for people who are ACTUALLY oppressed like gee idk poc and muslims and the mentally ill and queer people', frequently fantasizes about committing violent acts against people I rationalize they deserve it including family members, untruthful, attention whore, pedantic AND pretentious, tells lies, doesn't believe in one sister's claim of sexual assault (went to smoke weed with the alleged perpetrator), UNAPOLOGETICALLY AGAINST ASEXUAL EXCLUSIONISM (LITERALLY FUCK YOU DUMBASS FOURTEEN YEAR OLDS WHO SHRIEK THAT QUEER IS A SLUR, SHUT YOUR GODDAM FUCKING WHORE MOUTHS YOU DUMBASSES AND GO THE FUCK OUTSIDE OR READ A BOOK), would absolutely punch a child over an insignificant internet argument, secretly sought out sexual pleasure from two friendly seemingly platonic encounters with two girls I just met within twenty four hours, overreacts to the slightest provocations and has bitches at or vagueposted at several people who did not deserve it, has used mental illness and physical handicap to evade trouble from being late for work because video games and laziness and excessive sleep, has spent maybe a thousand dollars on fast food in 2018 alone, evades bills for medical care from an actually great clinic, lying sack of garbage, gave up on calling out family's bigotry and is now an accessory to prejudice, despises terfs predominantly for their refusal to fuck me because of being trans and yet meanwhile would not engage in sexual relationship with another trans woman or cis man unless reeeeeeeeally drunk, can and will blame being sexually assaulted as a child which probably didn't even happen because I don't think I remember it, unabashed furry, probably as addicted to video games and masturbation AND LIES as I almost was to alcohol, pretended to have almost been an alcoholic just to "win" facebook arguments about addiction, doesn't give a fuck my dad almost died from heroin JUST because he's a *little* homophobic and racist and classist and xenophobic because of a christian upbringing, would literally fucking murder him if he EVER PUTS HIS HANDS ON ME AGAIN, only slightly depressed because of laziness and a lack of drive and ungrateful to my family because hey they didn't kick me out for being trans so HEY THATS SUPPORTIVE ENOUGH FOR SOME OTHER PEOPLE SO WHY CANT I BE HAPPY WITH THAT, legitimately salty about ~the friendzone~ and just makes fun of incels because everybody else does, takes the moral high ground for not being a misogynist even though I don't deserve a pat on the back a lap dance and a blowjob for not hating women, overly sensitive about stupid things, thinking about faking having a trigger warning for more discourse credit, HUUUGE ASSHOLE to men I deem unattractive for no other reason than every single ugly fat guy I've ever met has been an asshole, rationalizes it after the fact because they eventually say something shitty because all men are terrible, probably a little bit of a cisnormative misandrist because trans men tend to be much better people, finds trans men attractive (specifically and significantly more so than cis men) so must clearly be fetishizing them, relatively okay with people referring to me as deadnamed and the wrong pronouns so probably just lying about being trans to everyone including myself, not 100% okay with the hijab for 'no reason other than all organized religion is evil and opposed to its mandate and the shame it forces on many women in many situations the exact same way I'm opposed to no sex before marriage and wives being subservient to their husbands and treating women as property in the torah and quran alike because ITS ALL BRAINWASHING' so is clearly not unlearning islamophobia and doesn't want to let that go, hypocrite because I believe in the basics of judeochristianity

and loathe atheism and atheists entirely because their smugness and smarm literally sets my blood pressure through the roof of what is safe and normal and yet claim to hate all organized religion, mansplains yet gets so pissed off when other people mansplain to me, judgmental of other cultures because they don't have the exact same values that I have, james gunn apologist, talks and talks and talks about anarchosocialism all damn day but would beat the shit out of a coworker for leaving me to do things because they're lazy because "any job worth doing is worth doing well" and other capitalismisms, literally couldn't give less of a fuck that his mother is dying because people die but it's no reason to make my life slightly harder and making me work hard when I work because BOO HOO MY LEGS HURT FROM THE LITERALLY MOST MILD CASE OF MUSCULAR DYSTROPHY I COULD'VE BEEN BORN WITH, hasn't actually performed real suicide attempt ever but still claims to have done so to attain sympathy that may result in physical affection, countless other shitty terrible things that yeah I recognize are bad but CANT SEEM TO CARE BECAUSE I HAVE DEPRESSION... WHICH IS THE WEAKEST FUCKING EXCUSE IN THE WHOLE ENTIRE GODDAMN WORLD

I am not a good person, okay?

I just pretend to be sometimes.

I'm sick of doing it, I'm sick of trying to do well and earn people's approval by doing and saying the right things only to just be ignored which is a step up from receiving many anons that hey, never actually told me to kill myself, but did take my words out of context to paint me as a racist. I am not the kind of racist who would vote for trump and march with the kkk. that is one of very few good things I can say about myself. but I'm an arrogant, violent, and angry opinionated perverted manipulative judgmental lying asshole. I'm not a good person. I have let myself fall so much and I deserve to be alone. my only connections to people were built on personal gain and I swear to myself that I do love them but those feelings fall away in direct correlation to how much they interact with me. I could love you to the point of obsession and stalking and one month later be completely and totally disinterested. I'm a bigot who pretends to not be bigoted and just parrots what other people say not because I believe it but because it's the right thing to say, and I only say what the right thing is to say because whenever I say a good thing something good will happen to me and if I say a bad thing something bad happens to me. it's all just self preservation, nothing else at all. but now I'm at the end of a road of just trying to do good and I'm alone. out of the only two friends that I can really say that I have left, one is far away and trapped in a guilt spiral that I caused by being too clingy, and the other has been behaving in a way my mind has decoded as defensive around me which makes sense as I have been very... the best way to describe it would be the way a dudebro incel interacts with any person who possesses a vagina/breasts but sneakier. in both relationships I've pushed my own wants and desires in extremis... I can't for the life of me recall the last time I have ever offered something in return other than my own company or paying for a meal at a restaurant or I guess transportation. and instead of sex I just want them to express even the slightest bit of intimate platonic physical affection towards me but that's still a lot to offer someone who has clearly expressed the existence of a sexual and maybe something near the realms of romantic in one of the cases physical attraction because for this aspec it's practically the same fucking thing.

and I've manipulated them to attain this goal. at this point my shit brain has considered just fucking going to town on my wrists with a razor blade to draw sympathy so that I'll get a hug or something beyond just a simply hello/goodbye, and finding a way to induce tears to concoct a sob story to reach the same end result, and one time very briefly via threat and intimidation so you can clearly see that I've gone far too into irredeemable territory. I've been playing and replaying cry of fear because it's just too similar to my own issues and the first ending where he just kills everyone he loves and then himself... I see me in that ending. and it scares me so much more than the sprinting screaming twitching one hit kill chainsaw guy ever will. I don't want that to be me, I want to change something, but I just can't get the help that I need. I had hoped to go for a domino effect, where if I could be cuddled for like five minutes or something, I'd have the energy to be more hygienic, which would make me feel capable enough to take on two jobs, which would get me the cash flow I need to pay my bills and take care of my hormones, which would put me in the headspace necessary to effectively use psychological help, which would let me get over my illnesses and actually become a more successful person instead of the pathetic husk I am here in non-fantasy land.

but that won't happen.

I'm just sitting here in the dark angsting about how nobody will touch me in a way that would produce oxytocin, and it's making me so sick, so physically sick, that it's affecting my brain too. I'm in pain, nauseous, vengeful, spiteful, paranoid, judgmental, and lonely. I'm stuck and I can't even kill myself because my mind wants me to stay alive and suffer through all of this because "oh it gets better" people have been saying that for well over half of my life. I was six or seven years old when I asked my mother to kill me, and that same level of desperation and bitterness has only gotten worse as time goes by. when does it get better? I'll tell you when it gets better, after I'm in prison or comatose or forty five years old with a cane and bad eyes and high blood pressure and lung cancer from all the secondhand smoke I've breathed in my life. when my life is over, that's when it gets better. I DONT WANT THAT. I WANT A NORMAL FUCKING LIFE RIGHT NOW. I WANT NORMAL FRIENDSHIPS AND A NORMAL HOME AND A NORMAL EDUCATION AND A NORMAL CAREER AND A NORMAL FAMILY. or at least I want someone to hold me and make me feel like I'm not so horrible and broken that I can't be touched.

but that's too much to ask for.

Personal rant coming

I really like my boyfriend but after 11 months together I start to really feel the difference in our educational level and how we grew up.  He grew up quite blue-collar while I grew up... I don’t know if you can call it white-collar, but my mum is a teacher and I grew up in that certain way. My mum always put a focus on school and education, on a certain standard (Yes, I do realize how I sound). My boyfriend grew up in a different world - I’m not calling it a bad world, mind you - but it’s quite different from mine. And sometimes I feel like I have to feel bad for the way I grew up or that “my” world is not the real world and such. I know that my BF doesn’t intend to make me feel that way but it just happens.

He also is one of these people that complain all the time but don’t try and change anything. Like he is constantly broke but buys new computer games almost every month, orders food several times a week and doesn’t even try to be at least a tiny bit careful. Yes I know that in stressful situation you need some things that makes you happy just to battle that stress but he then also complains about work and that they don’t pay enough for him to actually put some work into his work. He is not completely wrong about our company let’s be honest here, but he also earns just as much as I do, AND I have to pay more rent AND extra for electricity and internet, and yet I managed to put enough money back to finally pay off my 2800€ debt from my health insurance within 3 months, and had enough money left to lend him some so he could buy food and I usually also buy our food on the weekends that we spent together... but of course, it’s totally our company’s fault that he doesn’t have enough money at the end of the month.  It’s also starting to grate on my nerves that he has a totally different mindset about work than I do.  I don’t say mine is better because, let’s be real, I am the perfect worker drone to be exploited by capitalistic assholes but I also just can’t stand that he is willing to cheat and trick to do as little as possible (and then complain when he or others that do the same are caught). 

I don’t want to say that my way is the only right one but I also don’t want to say that he is always right. I try to be a bite more lose regarding my work ethics, to just be like “eh” *shrugs* but it would be nice to see that he tries to put a bit more effort in what he does so that we could meet in the middle. (Of course he doesn’t and I don’t feel like being the “nagging girlfriend” so I don’t say anything)

It doesn’t help that he is not really educated about LGBTQ*-issues or issues regarding racism. He is not a bad person and he surely doesn’t treat people differently because of their sexuality/gender/skin colour/religion/etc. but when you try and talk about homophobia/racism/etc. with him you just realize that he is not very educated in that regard and it’s getting exhausting because he is not trying to educate himself about those issues even though we have some long and heated discussions about it. 

(I ignore the giant elephant in the room that is his loose friendship/acquaintance with that one colleague that openly admits to be right-wing as fuck and has a “Reichsflagge” at home. This is a hornets’ nest I’m not gonna stir up...)

I just realize I make him sound like a giant twat which he isn’t!! He treats me with utter respect, he is always loving to me, I’ve rarely seen a man less concerned about his masculinity, he doesn’t come with any sexist bullshit, he is not one bit concerned about my bisexuality but also doesn’t fetishize it, I can nerd out to him without him trying to one-up me, I’ve never heard him mansplain, and in general he is a really, really kind person. He is one of those people that would do everything for their friends even up to the point where he is taken advantage of...  He is such a sweet guy and yet... I don’t know...

The funny thing is when we are actually together, like spend time together, I am not that irritated, I actually enjoy our time together and I enjoy having sex with him, talking to him, just doing stuff, but as soon as he is gone I slowly but surely get more and more annoyed. I honestly don’t know that’s wrong with me... 

How to be a woman in STEM

When I first started working in science about 7 years ago, I didn’t really see any gender gap in my work. To be honest, in biology, the visible scientists are pretty 50/50 in terms of sex and I didn’t really think about any discrimination I would be facing based on my gender. But when you start to look more deeply into it, you can see the gap. After PhD level, the number of women starts to drop significantly. I think the majority of this is because science doesn’t provide a stable income for many years and women seek that (if not because they want to have children but due to responsibility of their own parents ect.) Most of the people in charge of departments are men. When I see a women I jump at the chance to work with them but we are still pushing from the bottom up! 

I also think women have issues in terms of publication bias. Nobody tells you this until you get fairly high up but a paper is more likely to be published if it is attached to a big name or lab. Since most of these names are men, there is bias towards men publishing. And publishing means more funding and therefore more publications in a vicious cycle. 

Finally I have come across a LOT of mansplaining in my time, (its why I prefer to work for female bosses) especially during lab meetings. A typical format of a meeting is that one person presents their work, everyone gives feedback and then you move on. This gives everyone a chance to speak so getting your work across isn’t a problem but I find that the men dominate the feedback discussion. I assume this is an issue in many different fields and being aware of it and standing up is difficult. 

I’m not an expert of how to deal with these things by any means, but I have been doing this for a few years and I’m at PhD level finally so here are a few tips on how to be a women in STEM: 

1. Find yourself a role-model

This can be any woman you inspire to be, they don’t even have to know you’re doing it. Mine was the first PhD student I ever worked with. Apart from being incredibly clever, able and patient, she was unapologetically pretty and feminine and I loved that I could be both of those things. I take great pride in having made it to being like her. I now float around the lab with my lab coat unbuttoned and my short skirts absolutely clashing with my comfy shoes whilst rocking the science.

2. Work for female principle-investigators as much as you can (or at least in a lab with female post-docs)

I know it seems obvious, but women champion women even if they don’t realise they’re doing it. A female PI will nurture you like a man just doesn’t. When my female bosses ask how I am they want a low-down on both my work and my physical and emotional well-being and I don’t feel that male bosses want that. I know your boss shouldn’t be your support but as a student that is half of their job because you’re going through a massive personal challenge and I find that women are much more empathetic to that. 

3. Don’t be afraid to speak up in meetings and suggest changes to the structure if you think it will help equality

I spent a couple of months last year working in a lab which had (in my opinion) really difficult lab meetings, where one person coughmancough could easily take control. Firstly, don’t be afraid to politely point out that they have interrupted you- these are very educated people, they’ll realise they’ve done it and apologise. Afterall, if we don’t point things out, how can we expect people in a position of privilege to realise they’re doing anything wrong. Secondly, talk to your PI about how the meetings could be adjusted- for example only a few people speak to give feedback per person ect. 

4. Practice self-care

I cannot emphasise how important it is to look after yourself. Constantly check in with yourself- are you feeling positive, have you slept enough, are you eating properly? Science is a difficult place to work- you have to work really hard for little reward except your own satisfaction. Take breaks. Allow yourself to pursue passions outside of science and don’t let yourself feel bad about it. 

I think the best thing I’ve learnt to do is take lunch breaks, even if it makes my day a bit longer. I take a walk even if it’s freezing outside, try to chat with some of my coursemates and eat away from my desk. It gives me a bit of room to breath and deal with how stressful the work is. 

5. Take praise and use your voice

I used to dismiss it when people said that I was doing great things and that I should talk about what I was doing to inspire the mini-female scientists coming up through school. I don’t think I will ever feel like I deserve to be called inspiring but I am happy to agree that I’m quite clever and I do work very hard and yeah, I’m one of the only WOC at this stage of accademia so I should use my voice. 

I am standing on the shoulders of amazing, really brave women who took on a male dominated workforce and made it a lot easier for me to get here but we aren’t done with equality yet and it would be naive to think that. We are educated, creative young women and we should be brave to make the path seamless for those behind us.

Never forget you’re doing an amazing thing. The generation of new knowledge is a gift and you get to know it first. Women think in different and complementary ways to men so when things are more equal, we’re all going to benefit. 

I Am the Kraken

Enormous, powerful; glow-in-the-dark; multi-armed, covered in slime, I wait upon the abyssal plains. With my venomous beak.

Okay, so that’s a little surreal and dramatic, but, come on, folks; I mentioned giant squid in the last dispatch. Everyone who knows me - even if only through vague rumors - would have seen that and said, “He’s gonna write about squid, now.” Sadly, I am nothing if not depressingly predictable. For those of you who read for specific aspects/bits/whatever of my writing, this is going to be more of a philosophical/stupid piece rather than a recounting of recent events or travels; however, I will try to include some usable information for anyone with cancer (as well as lots of useless information - you take the good with the bad), and I will include my standard self-assessment/update near the end. And, I think I have a way to put a kind of positive bent on it. All it took to bring out my inner optimist was to write about a legendary, terrifying monster from the darkest pits of hell. Who ever would have guessed?

First off; the actual inspiration for this one wasn’t the actual Architeuthis it was China Mieville’s fictional chess game in his book, “Kraken” - specifically, the piece that can move without moving. I suspect that Mr. Mieville was alluding to the fact that giant squid are ambush predators - they don’t really chase down or attack prey, they just sit motionless until something tasty comes near, and they pounce.

Which is just a roundabout way of saying that impressive, break-neck effort, speed, and combat - while all impressive and dashing - are just as effective, long-term, as patience and the odd burst of cunning. Also, having barbed suckers is considered helpful in such cases, but I digress.

Anyway, the ability to sit still for ten minutes is absolutely critical for assessing and recovering from brain damage. Assessing brain damage is already nigh-impossible because there are so many factors constantly at work in a brain that it makes it hard to notice these things, let alone figure out the source. Yeah, my memory’s been somewhat twitchy as of late, but I’m also not sleeping well, getting pumped full of really weird substances, and so on. If you’re going to be a successful neurology patient, you’re going to have to frequently stop and take stock of what’s new and not (this isn’t even a particularly insightful bit; I’ve seen PSAs about diagnosing early signs of strokes about this). And, neurotypical people, please stop screwing around with stuff just because you’re bored. I’ve had it with finally figuring out if i have some new symptom or problem, and I can’t replicate it because some idiot reorganized the place or invented something that solved the problem I had to use to demonstrate a neurocognitive flaw (true story; after surgery #2, I consistently skipped the number “4″ whenever calculating or counting things - not “14,” not “24;” it drove me nuts for a few months until I figured it out.

And that seems like pretty simple, basic, non-controversial, mansplaining - that you have to pause frequently to assess a dynamic situation in which you are but one of many contributing variables - but it’s surprisingly hard to put into practice. Humans prize effort and control; we almost fetishize it. We must always be moving and in charge of our own destiny. To hell with that. For years - decades - I was that guy who went after goals - and they pretty consistently exploded in my face. Or rather, I got horribly derailed and/or sideswiped by neurological disease and its aftereffects. My life would look radically different - I can’t say for good or bad - if, after Brain Tumor #1, I’d just hit the breaks on everything and maybe done some serious reassessment and made recovery (or just future prevention) a much greater part of my life. Instead, I just careened about like Wile E. Coyote from explosion to crushing to fall. So, now, I’m a little hesitant to pick up the Acme catalog. I realize my diseases aren’t some sort of product or result of me being ambitious and goal-oriented; but I will say that my brain is, in this metaphor, the unreliable stick of dynamite. Any plans that require it doing the right thing at the right time should be viewed with suspicion.

Well, not for me, not anymore. I am disgusted to reveal the new life-plan; the kraken path. I’m not going to do a damned thing - goal-wise, in any meaningful way - until I absolutely run out of my fat stores and have to go looking. And, even then, I’m going to try to avoid going in straight-lines; that sort of thing has caused me nothing but trouble in the past. And, y’know, if something tasty comes near, I’ll definitely snag that, but I’ll leave the whole “pursue your prey” thing to wolves and other, more charismatic critters. Now, I will accept full responsibility that this is a terrible, awful life plan - I will attach myself to a more promising one the moment I see it. This is not a good idea. This is not something I would recommend friends or loved ones try. However, it’s worth noting that one of the early things that drew me to the Warlocks and Mad Scientist were that all of them said - basically - that conventional treatments had failed, so, fuck it, go right to black magic and crazy experimental stuff. The Way of the Kraken is not about actively seeking rewards, it is in recognizing a near-hopeless situation, and staying alive until further opportunities present themselves. Yeah, it sucks, but it beats dying. It also beats me doing something irreversibly destructive or stupid in the meantime because I haven’t figured out that I developed a weird kleptomania exclusively for silver cars (oh, you laugh, but you would be positively amazed at what brain damage can do).

The other point that’s worth discussing here - the Kraken Way pay-off, as it were - is that I am realizing just how much you get just for showing up. It’s all very well and good to discuss fulfillment and joy and all that - and I’m not against it; but the unstated assumption in Maslow’s Hierarchy is that you’re alive. We all celebrate Tenzing Norgay and his sidekick, Hillary (yes, that is the correct order; not only did Norgay do more stuff; the dude could rock a pencil-thin mustache)(the very hardest of facial hair to pull off)(but I digress). We don’t pay much attention to the 300-odd folks who have died on Everest. You will get stuff, people will give you credit, favors will be given and/or granted, and things happen - amazing things (although also bad things), if you show up. The crucial clause though, is “if you show up.” Again, I’m certain that Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, and Elon Musk did a lot more than just show up, but that is the critical first step. The Way of the Kraken teaches us that, like the mighty Kraken, the most important part of catching fish is being alive and able to recognize fish (also, it’s important that you know which tentacle is which, an issue that, at present, isn’t always 100% obvious with me).

Another important concept for the Kraken Way, is not to fear or avoid the darkness and crushing depths. Light and airiness are more enjoyable, certainly, but squid don’t really do well in bathtubs in Key West. I’ve strayed off-topic, because I like the thought of bathtub squid, also, the bactrim makes me really dislike the sun, but, the point to all patients is this. You’re going to get lots of information very quickly that you’re going to have to digest and use very quickly (another factor working in my favor is that I do have a graduate level of knowledge about my own disease)(that might also count for nothing, we’ll see). You need to learn not to filter out any information. In fact, if you ever feel like you have enough information to make a confident decision; you should go back and double-check everything, there’s a possibility you missed something critical. My life-long philosophy - and this may or may not pay off, again, we’re placing that bet right now - is that there is no such thing as “useless” or “excess” information, there’s just “information that’s helpful now” and “information that may be helpful later.” I’ve relived several conversations with family members where they discounted or entirely disregarded information because it wasn’t convenient. I’ve done the same thing; have multiple systems to make sure that you have every possible detail or statistic available. That’s been important to me, so far. It’s not comforting or pleasant, but it has made a difference. And ask questions if you are confused; again, this seems obvious, but just do it.

I’d also like to admit why I do this whole, stupid, type-away-at-your-laptop describing obscure cancer patient problems at odd hours (apart from the fact that I don’t really do much sleeping these ways, even with the Jim Morrison-level of things I’m prescribed). I’ve mentioned these concepts before, but I’m tired, and I can’t think of another way to lead into this evening’s send-off (and you want to be here for that one, trust me). First off, I do this mostly for me. If you get seriously sick, I’d advise you to get some sort of outlet, or else you’re likely to go mad, kill the neighbors, and flee into the night. Seeing it all in print - to me - doesn’t make sense of the whole thing, but it does give me something approaching perspective. Secondly, if I don’t write this faithfully, it either becomes the basis for several recurring nightmares for me,or it just vanishes into the ether; and that - that I absolutely will not tolerate. Like, literally over my dead body. There’s just too much raw data, stories, information, and junk for someone else not to figure out a better use for it than me. A social services worker in San Francisco actually did tell me, point blank, “You have to keep notes, or a diary, or a blog of what’s happening to you; we have to have some kind of record.” The final reason I try to keep good notes and take careful note of things that work (or don’t) is so that the next poor bastard in line will not only benefit, but he’ll feel that much better in telling his story, too. That’s important. Never forget that. We are a species of story-tellers, and, while statistics and science are important to inform our decisions and advance medicine and technology, that’s rarely what we remember. That’s not what changes a society. But, what does the trick is, if enough silenced and frightened people (there may be some debate as to whether chronic illness patients count, but, screw it, I’m being charged a lot of money every month just for the privilege of being coherent and/or among the living, and I still have to use that fucking walker from time to time) get together and shout together; they can’t ignore us all forever. We’ll get there, eventually. We’ll all get access to safe, effective hospitals and disease treatment and prevention. And, the minority-superpower awarded to sick people is a good one - if we can just live long enough, our oppressors actually will become us, if they live long enough. It’s hard to defund children’s hospitals if your kid just got a new liver last week. And it’s hard to slash cancer research funding if you know your doctor just found some new polyps. It’ll take a while - a lot of us are going to die in the process, But I feel we’ll get there - a society where access to medical aid is automatically determined by need instead of wealth or who you know.

And now, the final, maudlin conclusion; Gene Roddenberry was right. We’re going to be okay, as a species. We are going to traverse the vastness of space. We’re going to do unbelievable things.

Here’s the thing; when contemplating my inner kraken and the value in merely existing; I realized that I have done - and survived - shit I could not have even imagined a year ago, let alone bet that I’d figure out. And I’ll admit it; I’ve gotten seriously lucky numerous times - perhaps far more than I’m comfortable admitting - but I’ve still somehow managed to do things I never even would have thought myself capable of. Admittedly, it’s an utterly wretched, awful way to learn this sort of thing, and I am still terrified and miserable and have no clue how this will all play out, but, at the same time, mere survival at this point in the game is kind of an impressive achievement unto itself. Now, I’ve always disliked that sort of hippie thinking about human potential and wishful thinking, but I now have a little anecdotal evidence. I’d consider myself a more-or-less standard factory model human (well, with the caveat that the engine tends to explode without warning) - the point in all of this is that I don’t consider myself especially special, which is important, because, dear reader - if I am capable of being surprised at my own untapped potential, you, no matter who you are, have vast depths within you that you can not even begin to imagine. You are - under the right conditions - capable of unbelievable, amazing, frightening things that would shock you and impress Isaac Asimov. We all are. The dark, kraken-y corollary would be that, it might take an awful set of nightmare conditions for us to successfully tap that well, but we’ll do it. All of us can do it.

ANYWAY… WEIGHT: 227 lb CONCENTRATION: Pretty good. I’m still completing the full set of tasks and challenges required to navigate the medical-industrial complex. MEMORY: Great, at the moment. I can recall a dream I had last night, most of my first-grade class, and most of the people involved in keeping me alive.. APPETITE: Excellent. ACTIVITY LEVEL: Good at the moment. I’ll go to the gym in an hour or two, but I’ve made angry phone calls to nitwits in redundant billing departments, consulted with Research Coordinator about upcoming scheduling stuff and medical information updates, etc. SLEEP QUALITY: Gods (or Kraken), I wish I slept half as well every night as I did last night. Admittedly, I didn’t sleep for very long, but the six-seven hours I got were deep and dream-filled. COORDINATION/DEXTERITY: Excellent, at the moment, Obviously, I’m not doing anything that requires too much careful coordination, but I safely sliced some avocado and fried an egg earlier. And I’m getting up and down stairs without any noticeable problems. PHYSICAL: I still have the nasty, constantly-hung-over sensation I seem to have all the time, these days (as happens when you’re getting microwaved on a regular basis). And the suture-headaches were getting worse, so Radiation Oncologist slightly upped my steroid dose (Research Coordinator still says I’m on baby aspirin levels, compared to other patients in the program). And, even though I still have a bit of a headache, it’s only noticeable when I’m really focusing on it (I’m also still on regular, high doses of Tylenol). I’m probably feeling slightly better than I was at this same time, yesterday, if I’m being honest. SIDE EFFECTS: My step-mom thinks there’s a little hair-growth in previously-denuded areas, so  uh, hooray for that, I guess. I still feel like hell, but there aren’t any specific or debilitating effects, and I’m still upright and coherent (sort of). Sometimes that’s the best you can ask for.

‘Good men’ don’t exist

Good men are a myth.

There are men who do good things. There are men who, by comparison to terrible men, seem pretty good. But categorizing and holding up certain men as unquestionably perfect doesn’t do us any good—especially if we want to reckon with why men behave badly, violently even.

If you need proof of how hero worship has failed us, just look at the recent wave of sexual harassment allegations hitting the mainstream news cycle (or really, just read through #MeToo on any social platform). The men being named aren’t just open secrets like Harvey Weinstein and Kevin Spacey. Women have come forward to say women’s activist Sen. Al Franken groped them. The face of journalistic integrity, Charlie Rose, was fired by CBS and PBS after eight women said he sexually harassed them. And then there’s Holocaust survivor and author of the book every child was taught to uphold as Great Literature, Elie Wiesel, who reportedly groped a young woman’s rear while taking a photo.

Fundamentally, these men were seen as good, and now that we’ve found out they are not, we don’t know what to make of their work that we admired. But maybe we wouldn’t be in this predicament if we didn’t assume these guys were solid people simply because of their known contributions. What if we didn’t come in with that assumption? What if we just accepted that good men are a myth?

Toxic masculinity muddies the good

When we used to think about men like Wiesel, Rose, or even George Takei, we looked at these men with childlike wonder. They were not just heroes; they could do no wrong. When was the last time Takei slipped up on Twitter? How could Rose exist as anything other than a journalistic legend? When men are good, they’re seen as powerful father figures that deserve our unconditional love and trust. Their public goodness clearly represents their moral character.

But as any fifth grader will tell you, character is built by what people do behind closed doors, not out in the open. And what we know about toxic masculinity suggests there are a lot of terrible things that happen at the hands of men behind closed doors.

One survey of college men revealed that 31.7 percent of respondents would engage in “intentions to force a woman to sexual intercourse” if the possibility arose; 13.6 percent had straightforward “intentions to rape a woman” if they could get away with it, HuffPost reports. And these are just the men who feel comfortable enough to answer truthfully.

It’s easy to see in more obvious unbalanced power dynamics, like producers handpicking actresses in the film industry, that men are given plenty of opportunities to “force a woman to sexual intercourse.” But this also happens in the power dynamics of simply being male vs. female—of being taught to get your way by all means necessary vs. being taught that standing up for yourself often gets you only punished further.

Statistics from the University of Michigan reveal that one in 12 college men have committed sexual acts that fit the legal criteria of rape, even though 84 percent don’t consider their actions to be sexual assault. In short, while not all men self-report an inclination to commit sexual assault, a sizable amount are eager to do so and have never considered what consent means or the consequences of their actions.

Surprise! The answer is that we do, and we must, regard all men as potential monsters to be feared. That's why we cross to the other side of the street at night, and why we sometimes obey when men say "Smile, honey!" We are always aware the alternative could be death. https://t.co/hvgT7c5GBa

— Monica Hesse (@MonicaHesse) November 20, 2017

In 2012, rapists turned to Reddit to explain why they rape women. Most men claimed they “didn’t understand what had happened” because they received mixed messages. Others blamed “blue balls.” Some simply saw women as objects. In many cases, attempted rapists just didn’t understand they were doing something wrong.

“I’m a good man,” one man said. “I have a wife and a couple of kids now and I’m a good father and husband. I’m a pretty moral guy. But I think the thing that has always stuck with me…is how close I came to actually doing it. If I hadn’t looked up at her face and seen what she was feeling, I might have continued .”

There’s a running theme here. In each story, the rapists (or attempted rapists) felt entitled to women’s bodies. Whether through “raging hormones” or “mixed messages,” men assumed women were supposed to be sexually available if men felt sexually aroused. Women were there to please men.

What we know about toxic masculinity explains a lot about why these sexual assaults happen. If you’re unfamiliar with the term, Dr. NerdLove calls toxic masculinity a “narrow and restrictive band of behavior, belief, and appearance” that forces men to become “emotionally repressed” and “sexually aggressive almost to the point of mindlessness.” And while toxic masculinity often pops up through predatory and misogynistic behavior, “good men” can act toxic in much smaller ways, too.

Entitlement to women, more often than not, comes down to violating everyday boundaries. Ever heard of manspreading? Whether in New York City’s subway system or international airlines, men across the world regularly take up too much space on public transit. Or worse, women are often forced to put up with men pressing their thighs, arms, butts, and fronts against our bodies in confined spaces.

Any woman who has ever worked in a male-dominated workplace is certainly more than familiar with mansplaining, where men condescendingly explain basic concepts to experienced women working in the field in question. It’s the same sort of unquestioned, unchecked entitlement that causes men to speak over women in meetings, at times even stealing their ideas and claiming them as their own. Astronomer and professor Nicole Gugliucci calls this “hepeating,” and it explains a lot the kind of environment in which sexual harassment is incubated. Women, again, aren’t seen as equals, but as accessories whose minds and bodies are owed to men.

My friends coined a word: hepeated. For when a woman suggests an idea and it's ignored, but then a guy says same thing and everyone loves it

— Nicole Gugliucci (@NoisyAstronomer) September 22, 2017

Entitlement, apathy, and sexual aggression all lead men to take advantage of women and treat them as nothing more than objects. And since toxic masculinity is a cultural dinosaur that’s learned and reinforced from childhood, practically every man has some level of toxic masculinity ingrained in them—whether it’s not standing up for women who’ve been hepeated or simply not registering that a woman may feel threatened by unsolicited DM or a male-dominated work environment.

Men don’t deserve unconditional trust

So why should women ever trust men? Whether at Disney or in Congress, PBS or Vice, the recent sexual harassment and assault allegations emerging across the U.S. prove that it’s hard to know who has “character” and who doesn’t. If a significant portion of men are capable of sexual assault, and nearly all men grapple with microaggressions against women on a regular basis, it’s obvious that giving men power and the immunity of “goodness” is a recipe for disaster.

The simplest, most everyday way men take advantage of women is by manipulating us until we unconditionally trust them. Innocence until proven guilty, right? Perhaps not.

The harassment and assault allegations sweeping the nation suggest men fundamentally (or just as likely, conveniently) don’t even understand what they’re doing wrong. All of which means they don’t deserve our trust unless they work for it. Because even when men don’t blatantly harass women, they still objectify us by acting like they deserve our ideas, careers, space, and attention. Powerful men are much more likely to face checks and balances from bystanders if we start being skeptical toward men on a regular basis. Sexual harassment and assault are less likely to be a threat to women if we admit that all men are implicated in the objectification and dismissal of women’s worth.

I am at the point where i seriously, sincerely wonder how all women don't regard all men as monsters to be constantly feared. the real world turns out to be a legit horror movie that I inhabited and knew nothing about.

— Farhad Manjoo (feat. Drake) (@fmanjoo) November 20, 2017

Ask women how often they walk to their cars with the sharp end of their key strategically pointing out between their knuckles.

— Liz Gumbinner (@Mom101) November 20, 2017

There are men who strive to do better and men who work to right their wrongs—and those men are commendable. But they still don’t deserve to be put on the “good” shelf, never to be thought of otherwise again. Because, in the end, no man is worth the risk of trusting them beyond a doubt.

Hero worship, along with the cult of personalities around “good men,” provide excuses for men who abuse women. No matter how talented a man is, a man who rapes is still a rapist. A man who “overlooks” women being harassed in his office is still a man contributing to the culture that says harassment is OK. Let’s stop calling out the “good men” and instead call out their bad actions so they understand no one is excused.

Read more: http://ift.tt/2A80DBn

from Viral News HQ http://ift.tt/2EaChGF via Viral News HQ

‘Good men’ don’t exist

Good men are a myth.

There are men who do good things. There are men who, by comparison to terrible men, seem pretty good. But categorizing and holding up certain men as unquestionably perfect doesn’t do us any good—especially if we want to reckon with why men behave badly, violently even.

If you need proof of how hero worship has failed us, just look at the recent wave of sexual harassment allegations hitting the mainstream news cycle (or really, just read through #MeToo on any social platform). The men being named aren’t just open secrets like Harvey Weinstein and Kevin Spacey. Women have come forward to say women’s activist Sen. Al Franken groped them. The face of journalistic integrity, Charlie Rose, was fired by CBS and PBS after eight women said he sexually harassed them. And then there’s Holocaust survivor and author of the book every child was taught to uphold as Great Literature, Elie Wiesel, who reportedly groped a young woman’s rear while taking a photo.

Fundamentally, these men were seen as good, and now that we’ve found out they are not, we don’t know what to make of their work that we admired. But maybe we wouldn’t be in this predicament if we didn’t assume these guys were solid people simply because of their known contributions. What if we didn’t come in with that assumption? What if we just accepted that good men are a myth?

Toxic masculinity muddies the good

When we used to think about men like Wiesel, Rose, or even George Takei, we looked at these men with childlike wonder. They were not just heroes; they could do no wrong. When was the last time Takei slipped up on Twitter? How could Rose exist as anything other than a journalistic legend? When men are good, they’re seen as powerful father figures that deserve our unconditional love and trust. Their public goodness clearly represents their moral character.

But as any fifth grader will tell you, character is built by what people do behind closed doors, not out in the open. And what we know about toxic masculinity suggests there are a lot of terrible things that happen at the hands of men behind closed doors.

One survey of college men revealed that 31.7 percent of respondents would engage in “intentions to force a woman to sexual intercourse” if the possibility arose; 13.6 percent had straightforward “intentions to rape a woman” if they could get away with it, HuffPost reports. And these are just the men who feel comfortable enough to answer truthfully.

It’s easy to see in more obvious unbalanced power dynamics, like producers handpicking actresses in the film industry, that men are given plenty of opportunities to “force a woman to sexual intercourse.” But this also happens in the power dynamics of simply being male vs. female—of being taught to get your way by all means necessary vs. being taught that standing up for yourself often gets you only punished further.

Statistics from the University of Michigan reveal that one in 12 college men have committed sexual acts that fit the legal criteria of rape, even though 84 percent don’t consider their actions to be sexual assault. In short, while not all men self-report an inclination to commit sexual assault, a sizable amount are eager to do so and have never considered what consent means or the consequences of their actions.

Surprise! The answer is that we do, and we must, regard all men as potential monsters to be feared. That's why we cross to the other side of the street at night, and why we sometimes obey when men say "Smile, honey!" We are always aware the alternative could be death. https://t.co/hvgT7c5GBa

— Monica Hesse (@MonicaHesse) November 20, 2017

In 2012, rapists turned to Reddit to explain why they rape women. Most men claimed they “didn’t understand what had happened” because they received mixed messages. Others blamed “blue balls.” Some simply saw women as objects. In many cases, attempted rapists just didn’t understand they were doing something wrong.

“I’m a good man,” one man said. “I have a wife and a couple of kids now and I’m a good father and husband. I’m a pretty moral guy. But I think the thing that has always stuck with me…is how close I came to actually doing it. If I hadn’t looked up at her face and seen what she was feeling, I might have continued .”

There’s a running theme here. In each story, the rapists (or attempted rapists) felt entitled to women’s bodies. Whether through “raging hormones” or “mixed messages,” men assumed women were supposed to be sexually available if men felt sexually aroused. Women were there to please men.

What we know about toxic masculinity explains a lot about why these sexual assaults happen. If you’re unfamiliar with the term, Dr. NerdLove calls toxic masculinity a “narrow and restrictive band of behavior, belief, and appearance” that forces men to become “emotionally repressed” and “sexually aggressive almost to the point of mindlessness.” And while toxic masculinity often pops up through predatory and misogynistic behavior, “good men” can act toxic in much smaller ways, too.

Entitlement to women, more often than not, comes down to violating everyday boundaries. Ever heard of manspreading? Whether in New York City’s subway system or international airlines, men across the world regularly take up too much space on public transit. Or worse, women are often forced to put up with men pressing their thighs, arms, butts, and fronts against our bodies in confined spaces.

Any woman who has ever worked in a male-dominated workplace is certainly more than familiar with mansplaining, where men condescendingly explain basic concepts to experienced women working in the field in question. It’s the same sort of unquestioned, unchecked entitlement that causes men to speak over women in meetings, at times even stealing their ideas and claiming them as their own. Astronomer and professor Nicole Gugliucci calls this “hepeating,” and it explains a lot the kind of environment in which sexual harassment is incubated. Women, again, aren’t seen as equals, but as accessories whose minds and bodies are owed to men.

My friends coined a word: hepeated. For when a woman suggests an idea and it's ignored, but then a guy says same thing and everyone loves it

— Nicole Gugliucci (@NoisyAstronomer) September 22, 2017

Entitlement, apathy, and sexual aggression all lead men to take advantage of women and treat them as nothing more than objects. And since toxic masculinity is a cultural dinosaur that’s learned and reinforced from childhood, practically every man has some level of toxic masculinity ingrained in them—whether it’s not standing up for women who’ve been hepeated or simply not registering that a woman may feel threatened by unsolicited DM or a male-dominated work environment.

Men don’t deserve unconditional trust

So why should women ever trust men? Whether at Disney or in Congress, PBS or Vice, the recent sexual harassment and assault allegations emerging across the U.S. prove that it’s hard to know who has “character” and who doesn’t. If a significant portion of men are capable of sexual assault, and nearly all men grapple with microaggressions against women on a regular basis, it’s obvious that giving men power and the immunity of “goodness” is a recipe for disaster.

The simplest, most everyday way men take advantage of women is by manipulating us until we unconditionally trust them. Innocence until proven guilty, right? Perhaps not.

The harassment and assault allegations sweeping the nation suggest men fundamentally (or just as likely, conveniently) don’t even understand what they’re doing wrong. All of which means they don’t deserve our trust unless they work for it. Because even when men don’t blatantly harass women, they still objectify us by acting like they deserve our ideas, careers, space, and attention. Powerful men are much more likely to face checks and balances from bystanders if we start being skeptical toward men on a regular basis. Sexual harassment and assault are less likely to be a threat to women if we admit that all men are implicated in the objectification and dismissal of women’s worth.

I am at the point where i seriously, sincerely wonder how all women don't regard all men as monsters to be constantly feared. the real world turns out to be a legit horror movie that I inhabited and knew nothing about.

— Farhad Manjoo (feat. Drake) (@fmanjoo) November 20, 2017

Ask women how often they walk to their cars with the sharp end of their key strategically pointing out between their knuckles.

— Liz Gumbinner (@Mom101) November 20, 2017

There are men who strive to do better and men who work to right their wrongs—and those men are commendable. But they still don’t deserve to be put on the “good” shelf, never to be thought of otherwise again. Because, in the end, no man is worth the risk of trusting them beyond a doubt.

Hero worship, along with the cult of personalities around “good men,” provide excuses for men who abuse women. No matter how talented a man is, a man who rapes is still a rapist. A man who “overlooks” women being harassed in his office is still a man contributing to the culture that says harassment is OK. Let’s stop calling out the “good men” and instead call out their bad actions so they understand no one is excused.

Read more: http://ift.tt/2A80DBn

from Viral News HQ http://ift.tt/2EaChGF via Viral News HQ