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poptod · 4 years

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The Story of Golden Fish and Red Duck (Ahkmenrah x Reader, Ch. 5)

Ch. 1, Ch. 2, Ch. 3, Ch. 4

Word Count: 3.4k AO3 Link: The Story of Golden Fish and Red Duck

Unas visited Ahkmen several more times, but you did not join in. You were convinced that the less you saw of him, the more likely that your emotions for him (whatever they may be) would dissipate, and life would return to normal. The only problem was you didn't see him at all - you were forbade from doing that, and the idea that it was forbidden made you miss him all the more. It was indeed a very, very unfortunate predicament that had Unas laughing every time he saw you frowning or pouting.

"This is a serious issue, you know," you mumbled, wary of the many guests in the lower level of your house. Your mother had been feeling a little lonely, or at least that's what she told your father so he'd plan a small party. Unas' family was, of course, invited, along with one of your sister's friend's family. Teremun was annoyed that he couldn't invite his friends, but that was none of your business locked away in your bedroom, you and Unas sitting across from each other on the floor and avoiding everyone else.

"I'm fully aware of that, it doesn't make it any less funny," he wheezed out, unable to catch his breath.

"It's not that funny!"

"Oh I'm sorry, you not knowing you had a crush on Ahkmen isn't funny? We must live in different realms," he said as he shook his head, still grinning from ear to ear.

"I don't have a crush on him!" You snapped, your cheeks burning hot.

"You're still in denial?" His expression fell into unadulterated disbelief.

"Well... I just don't want you saying it out loud," you admitted sheepishly.

He looked at you, almost shocked at your ineptitude in the area of love, but somehow still supportive.

"We need to do something about this. You realize that, right?" He asked lowly, trying to meet your worrisome gaze.

"Yeah, but I have no idea how we're going to make me hate Goldie again."

"That - that is not the answer to this question, what the hell," he said, shaking his head again. "We're going to get you and Ahkmen together."

Your heart dropped in your chest. You were not going to be in a relationship with Ahkmen - it simply wasn’t an option. Besides the fact that you were still consciously in denial about even liking him, your families would be horrified in more ways than one. Ahkmen had pull as a prince, but his father was the Pharaoh, and his word was law, and the Pharaoh hated your father. There was no way either family would approve.

"Absolutely not. He's literally banned from seeing me again, and that's not even in the dating definition of that word," you said with a humorless laugh, rubbing your temples.

"That's what makes it more exciting."

You did not agree, but you didn't agree with Unas on several other things, so it wasn't a massive deal. He didn't have a point, that's what you kept telling yourself, repeating it over and over again in your head - his way was not the right way. Actually, it was more near suicidal. Neither of you even knew if Ahkmen liked you back, and even if he did, there was still the problem that you consciously kept circling back to hating him. You had strong emotions about him, and by Gods you were going to make sure it remained a strong hate, instead of the soft love sneaking into your head and lulling your hatred at bay.

All of your, Unas, and Ahkmen's ideas on the subject aside, you were still banned from seeing each other, and there was no way Unas could make you climb that rope again. You would have to be made to see him by your own family and his, and all three of you knew that would never happen again.

Except there was one thing Unas could do.

One horrible, devious thing, but he was known for being devious, and did not mind the title at all.

Within the next several weeks a popular festival would make its' way to Memphis; the Hathor festival. Much like the Tekh festival, the main theme was to get as drunk as possible and have as many orgasms as physically possible before passing out two hours before sunrise. Usually you spent the evening with Unas, wandering the streets and finding the best musicians and brewers the city had to offer. In fact you even made to do that - by afternoon you were walking to Unas' house, keeping your bag and coins close to you.

There was a thrill in the air, something that persisted throughout the city on the eve of every festival, just as it did then. Vendors more easily negotiated a price, eager to get home and prepare their own celebrations, some restaurants even letting their workers off early. For some reason, it wasn't complete catastrophe if no one worked during the festival, which you attributed to it being a bit of a free for all. Not particularly the safest environment for children, but things worked out alright, and Unas always brought backup in the form of weaponry.

Knocking at Unas' front door, you were greeted by his quiet sister, who you rarely ever saw, much like his father. You didn't get in a word before she was calling down Unas, who bounded down the stairs after catching sight of you. Dragging you inside, he pulled you upstairs and forced you into his room without a word.

"Unas? Everything alright?" You asked, feeling suspicious, but too amused by the secrecy of the situation to put any stock in it being a bad situation.

"Yes! Of course, here, I got you something," he said with a too-happy grin, handing you clothing wrapped in a brown package. Eyeing him oddly, you slowly unwrapped it, unveiling a black and red bundle of cloth. "Try it on, it's for tonight," he said.

"Don't we usually not dress up for this?" You asked, the suspicious feeling returning.

"Yeah, but I got invites to a pretty high up party," he said with a smirk, proud of his accomplishment.

"Fine," you gave in with a sigh. "I'll get changed, but I expect you to wear something just as frivolous."

"Don't worry, I will. Oh, and," he caught you before you left the room, "I'm blindfolding you on the way there. It's a surprise."

You frowned. "This is starting to sound like a bad idea."

It was, very much, a bad idea. Unas refused to take the blindfold off until the carriage stopped, the two of you had gotten out, and you were halfway up the steps. The amount of steps had you suspicious, but as he pulled the cloth from your eyes, it was all confirmed - he was taking you to the palace, the exact place the both of you had been banned from being. To make matters worse, you were actually looking forward to spending time with Unas, and he went and betrayed you.

"I'm going home," you said immediately, the cloth barely falling from your eyes before you could see the familiar pillars.

"No, you aren't! You're going to deal with this like an adult!" He said, chasing after you down the steps, grasping onto your upper arm and yanking you back up.

"We've been banned from the palace, in case you hadn't noticed! It's illegal for us to go in there!"

"Didn't bother you when we snuck in," he bit back.

"That was different and you know that."

"It doesn't matter anyway," he said, digging into his bag. "It's gonna be a massive orgy in there, no one will notice us, and masks are getting in to fashion." He pulled two masks out, one pitch black and the other stark white, handing the black one to you. Decorating your eyes with gems and silk, you tied the string behind your head, adjusting it on your nose. He did the same, correcting the accidental tilt in yours when he finished.

"You'll stay by my side, at least until we find him, right?" You asked shakily, trying to take a deep breath.

"Of course," he assured with a small smile, gripping your hand in his. The two of you took off up the stairs, him determined to stop your whining about Ahkmen, and you determined to do the exact same, but for a different reason.

The noise level grew with each step closer, become more and more defined, till you could pick out the loud moaners from the singers, the massive crowd in sight. As with most of the Pharaoh's parties, it was a no-invite event, meaning anyone could attend, and a good deal of people loved to take advantage of that. Your fingers tightened around Unas' hand, and he gave you a reaffirming smile - we're not going to be caught by the Pharaoh.

"I mean, Pharaoh's probably drunk, right?" You said, anxiety lacing your tone.

"Exactly. He can't prove anything and we can run faster than he can. Just one thing -" he turned to you - "stay sober."

"Yes sir," you said with a salute, the two of you chuckling quietly as the tenseness in the air lessened.

There was no way anyone would notice you. Everyone was far too preoccupied with their and other people's genitals which might've been enjoyable had you been drunk enough to attend, but you were not, and neither was Unas, leaving you both an embarrassed mess by the time you reached the food tables. Several people were lounging in that general area, most having slow sex while eating food, which you and Unas pointedly ignored.

"Where do you think he is?" You whispered, unsure of why you were whispering, but Unas seemed to think it was the right thing to do as well.

"In the highest room in the tallest tower, you'll find a beautiful golden maiden," he whispered in a high, girly voice, batting his eyelashes. You elbowed him, making him wheeze and laugh.

"Thanks for that, idiot. Let's go find him and get this over with," you grumbled under your breath, dragging him away from the food and leading him up the stairs.

Your memory wasn't fantastic, and you'd only been led to Ahkmen's room once before, which was your main excuse for getting lost three times. Unas made fun of you, as a friend always does, but wasn't of much more help when it came to finding the right rooms. Several of them had been filled up with more people, and upon noticing that you started to knock before entering. Though, that tactic wasn't of much help either, because most people would just invite you in, thinking you were more patrons waiting for a good time.

When at last you came to stand in front of the familiar double doors, the both of you stopped - the journey had finally come to a close, and there was a strange sense of doom in the air.

"You'll do fine, I'm sure," Unas said, sounding as if he'd never been less sure in his life, eyes staring up at the tall doors.

"Yeah... sure," you agreed thoughtlessly, your voice a murmur.

"... so are you going to go in?" He asked slowly, turning to you expectantly.

"Hm? Oh, um.. yeah. Of course. I'll... what - what should I say?"

"Why are you asking me? This is not my area of expertise," he said, frowning.

"Well you're the one who brought me here! I thought you might have a better idea than I do," you hissed, every second that passed by feeding the fear growing rabid in your heart.

"I just thought you'd go in there and, I don't know, kiss him? This is why it's a bad idea to ask me."

"You have no idea what subtlety is, do you?"

"Don't be ridiculous," he said, knocking on the door. "I can be subtle."

"I can't think of a single time you've ever been subtle," you chuckled.

Silence came from the room, halting your conversation with Unas. Confused, the both of you pushed open the doors, finding the room empty and the lights out.

"Well fuck," he muttered under his breath, glancing to the balcony before helping you close the doors again.

"Looks like it wasn't meant to be! We should go," you said, tugging on Unas' sleeve to get him to leave, which he continuously refused to do.

"He has to be somewhere in the palace. Maybe he's at the party," Unas suggested, using his size and strength to drag you along.

"We'll never find him, there must be a thousand people in this place," you said as you weakly attempted to break his grasp on you.

"I'm not willing to watch you and Ahkmen mope about for one more day. I'm sick of it," he finally admitted with bitter words, making you stammer for an excuse. There was none, but you still tried, stumbling over your words as you tried to wrench his hand from yours.

"I do not mope," you said as you gave in, walking at his side.

"You most certainly do, you've been doing it for weeks now," he retorted, his eyes drifting over the dancing crowd once you reached the lower level. Reluctantly you assisted, checking the left side of the massive room while he checked the right.

In a second his grip loosened from yours and he bolted across the room, pushing careless people aside as he ran. Startled, you looked in his direction, but couldn't find him amongst the mass of people. That idiot, you thought bitterly as you set off in the general direction he'd taken. He said he wouldn't leave my side.

Running against the flow of the populace, you almost ran head-long into several people, to which you quickly apologized and continued on your way. Fortunately for you, most people were drunk enough that they didn't mind. Unas wasn't horribly tall, but he didn't exactly blend into the crowd either, and you considered yourself blessed when you caught sight of his unruly hair. Before you could push your way to him, someone ran headfirst into you, your foreheads clanking painfully together, sending a wave of dull, throbbing pain through your skull.

"Oh, fuck!" You exclaimed instinctively, screwing your eyes shut and grasping your head where you'd been hit.

"Fuck, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to," the man said in a terribly familiar voice that grated against your nerves and softened your heart. Opening your eyes you looked at him, also sitting on the ground, golden robes pooling around him and a crown upon his head.

"Goldie, I... uh," you trailed off, your words leaving you as the two of you stared at each other, the trampling crowd not a thought in your heads.

Out of nowhere, Unas' hand reached for the back of Ahkmen's collar, yanking him backwards into the crowd. Stumbling to your feet you tried to find which direction they'd gone in, but to no avail - you were too short to see above the crowd. Nonetheless you continued in their general direction, weaving through dancers and passing at least two dozen naked people before you reached a wall.

Fuck's sake, you thought, biting your lip as you turned back to the crowd. From your position you saw the stairs on the other side of the room, the only place in which the crowd thinned, and the only place you could easily see and sort through the various people. It was slow work, but you made your way to it, climbing up a carved statue of a lion and sitting atop the head, looking out over the gathering. Unlike with most of the Pharaoh's parties, it was dimly lit, making it harder to see who you might be fraternizing with. For you, all it worked to do was make your task of finding Ahkmen much, much harder.

Caught up in an almost grotesque scene of around ten naked people writhing over each other, you didn't notice someone flickering past you in the corner of your eye, at least not until they were grasping the back of your shirt and tugging you off the statue and up the stairs. You let out a yelp of surprise, trying to turn and see your abductor with fruitless results. Trying to keep your feet steady, you attempted to walk backwards to ease the pull they had on you, only slipping two or three times on the large staircase.

"This is illegal you know, abduction," you reminded them through gritted teeth, reaching back to dig at their fingers in hopes they'd release you.

Anxieties ran rampant through your head, reminding you of the many, horrible ways this person could violate and hurt you. As adrenaline rushed through you you dug harder into their fingers, hoping to puncture the skin and draw blood. A wince came from them, but not much else before they were tossing you into a dark, cramped storage room, following after you and closing the door.

At last you turned around, trying your damnedest to force your eyes to adjust in the dark to see your captor. Just as the edges of your vision returned to you, they surged forward, hands on either side of your face and kissed you. Hard. In a mesh of tongue and soft lips you tried to pull away, but they kept going deeper. You'd clenched your eyes, you noticed that as they continued to kiss you, and when you opened them you came face to face with very familiar eyes that fluttered open when he pulled away, gentle in a manner you rarely, if ever, saw.

"Gold -"

Once again you were cut off by him pulling you by the waist, colliding with you like stars, disastrous and beautiful and horrendously reverent. By his touch the fervor he felt passed to you, veins alighting with humble worship of each other, and in a moment Gods forsook you gave in. You let him touch you, let him explore each and every crevice, every imperfection and fracture, filling each mistake with a love that flowed slow and ardent in a golden light only he could cast. In one moment you let effervescence flow through you, and in the next you ripped yourself away from him.

"You can't just do that, you know," you said, panting as you parted. In the middle of it all, you'd wrapped your arms around his neck, which you quickly undid, letting your hands fall to your sides.

"I'm never going to see you again, so I thought I might as well," he said in the same bitter voice you'd last heard him with.

"Oh for fucks - I think I've finally narrowed down who you are," you laughed, shaking your head. He raised a quizzical eyebrow. "You're an idiot. You're a whole lot of other things, of other..." you drew closer, "... complicated things, but at heart you're an idiot, which is just about the best thing someone can be."

He paused, processing your words, trying to weed out of that was a compliment or an insult, or a backhanded compliment.

"Wow," you muttered when he still didn't seem to get it. Placing your hand at the back of his neck you pulled him close, pressing your lips to his in the way you liked to kiss - slow, gentle... tender. Like silk against your skin he moved with you, soft fingertips running over your jawline as he returned the kiss. Begging silently for more he moved you closer, wrapping you tight in his arms as you smiled against his lips, gifting smaller kisses down his neck till you reached his collar, returning to him when you did. A tiny hum left him, broken and sweet when you pressed your lips to his once more.

"I thought you hated me, I really did," he practically moaned the words, running his hands up your shirt, the cold touch of his hands shocking the heat from your bare skin.

"I did, to be fair," you said, which only garnered a confused look from him. "Unas had to knock some sense into me, but it didn't... didn't really take effect until just now."

"Just now? You're meaning to say you didn't like me until just now?"

"I never claimed to be smart."

The two of you laughed, Ahkmen letting his head fall to your shoulder. Vibrations ran up your neck, and as you ran your fingers through his hair, his laughter calmed to a pleasant hum.

"You won't leave me, then?" He pleaded softly, his thumb rubbing circles into your waist.

"No. I won't leave you, Ahkmen."

#ahkmenrah x reader #Ahkmenrah #rami malek x reader #rami malek #ahkmenrah x female reader #ahkmenrah x male reader #Night at the Museum

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tabloidtoc · 4 years

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Globe, October 12

You can buy a copy of this issue for your very own at my eBay store: https://www.ebay.com/str/bradentonbooks

Cover: Devil cult burns JonBenet Ramsey’s grave

Page 2: Up Front & Personal -- Kaley Cuoco and her dog in a stroller in New York City, Donatella Versace off the coast of Italy, Johnny Depp gets a gander at fans in Spain

Page 3: Jude Law jogging in London, Mama June Shannon gets her roots dyed, Jon Stewart lends his voice to support U.S. military vets in Washington, D.C.

Page 4: Man-hungry Kathie Lee Gifford has a mad crush on Craig Ferguson but he’s married and since she’s isn’t about to be a homewrecker instead she cast him to play her kissy-huggy love interest in Then Came You a flick she penned and released a couple weeks back

Page 5: Tyra Banks has turned Dancing with the Stars into a miserable sweatshop behind the scenes -- Tyra is not only the host but an executive producer and she takes that title seriously and even with all these big personalities and egos Tyra wants it to run like a military operation which was how she did things on America’s Next Top Model -- Carrie Ann Inaba is seething and Bruno Tonioli is revolted and Derek Hough is huffing with displeasure, Chris Rock revealed he’s in therapy seven hours a week after being diagnosed with nonverbal learning disorder meaning he doesn’t understand nonverbal signals when talking to people

Page 6: Fierce fights during lockdown have shredded strong-willed sweethearts Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell’s 37-year love in -- Goldie and Kurt recently had their worst-ever clash which led them to axe plans to finally get hitched this winter, you’d think filming Elf would have been a ho-ho time but bad blood between star Will Ferrell and writer-director Jon Favreau killed plans for a sequel

Page 7: Shocked by the frighteningly gaunt and frail appearance of Bob Newhart friends of the hard-working star fear he’s working himself into his grave

Page 8: Queen Elizabeth’s personal wealth is estimated at $450 million but she could wind up in the poor house because most of her wealth is locked in her two sprawling country estates which cost a king’s ransom to run: Sandringham and Balmoral

Page 9: Prince Harry is sporting a choppy-sloppy short-cropped haircut that makes him look like a pauper apparently given to him by his wife Meghan Markle

Page 10: Kirstie Alley has been firing herself into a frenzy about everything these days from her weight to world affairs and her yo-yoing antics are driving friends batty and she’s also becoming more of a recluse

Page 11: Joan Collins claims she was haunted by her sister Jackie Collins after the novelist died from breast cancer in 2015 -- Joan recalls upon learning her little sis had passed away the electricity went out putting her and husband Percy Gibson in the dark, country music legend Willie Nelson admits to being far from a model husband in his no-holds-barred new book -- the four-time married Willie admits to cheating and says his wandering ways were too much for any woman to put up with

Page 12: Celebrity Buzz -- Gabourey Sidibe (picture), Lisa Rinna laughingly brushes off claims that her husband Harry Hamlin had a steamy 2018 affair near their Canadian getaway home, Jane Fonda believes in ghosts because she’s seen the ghost of her mother who committed suicide when Jane was 12, Kim Cattrall is still hot and heavy for her British boyfriend of four years Russell Thomas and the two start each day with a cup of tea, not even two weeks after testing positive for COVID-19 Robert Pattinson dropped his mask at a London park to kiss girlfriend Suki Waterhouse even though production on his big-budget flick The Batman was thrown into a tailspin when Rob tested positive for the virus

Page 13: David Harbour grabs a bite in NYC (picture), Rebecca Gayheart runs errands in Beverly Hills (picture), Michael O’Keefe of Caddyshack plays a real-life caddie on Long Island to raise money for charity (picture), Tiffany Haddish isn’t joking when she says she tried for years to be on The People’s Court

Page 14: The People’s Court’s judge Marilyn Milian enjoys filming her show from her Miami living room where she sees litigants testifying from their homes via remote and she can see how they live, it’s a true kiss and tell by Adam Levine who’s getting loose-lipped about a wet wild kiss he shared with the late Kelly Preston in the music video for Maroon 5′s hit She Will Be Loved, Fashion Verdict -- Gabrielle Haugh 3/10, Paris Hilton 2/10, Keira Knightley 5/10, Tilda Swinton 7/10, Janelle Monae 9/10

Page 16: Leah McSweeney of The Real Housewives of New York City is sporting black eyes after getting a nose job, Storage Wars star Rene Nezhoda bought a storage locker abandoned by Daniel Baldwin that houses $2500 worth of model trains

Page 17: The coronavirus plague, natural disasters, the stock market crash, civil unrest, raging wildfires and gruesome death are all signs we are now living in the biblical End Times as predicted by Edgar Cayce and Grigori Rasputin and Nostradamus

Page 19: 10 Things You Don’t Know About Drew Barrymore, Wendy Williams has come clean about using binoculars to get an eyeful of the naked dude next door in the shower, The Real Housewives of Potomac star Ashley Darby dishes that she and husband have engaged in threesomes

Page 20: American Justice -- dentist Seth Lockhart jailed for yanking a patient’s tooth while riding a hoverboard among other crimes, it’s game over for a deputy sheriff Pasquale Salas from Texas who was convicted of grooming and exploiting young girls he met while playing Minecraft with them online

Page 21: Blake Lively is fed up with husband Ryan Reynolds’ juvenile practical jokes and she’s ordering him to knock it off and after years of putting up with ridiculous Ryan’s weird pranks her nerves have been rubbed raw since COVID lockdown, dog lover Jon Hamm handed a twice-rejected rescue pup a new leash on life and now the pooch Splash is turning him to mush

Page 23: NeNe Leakes won’t be returning to The Real Housewives of Atlanta after a tumultuous season 12 which saw NeNe feuding with most of the cast, Lady Gaga claims superstardom helped feed her deep dark depression and she was terrified to leave the house and she was often catatonic and says she’d sit outside and spend hours chain-smoking and crying, the $6 crown that Notorious B.I.G. wore in his final photoshoot sold at auction for $594,750

Page 24: Cover Story -- JonBenet Ramsey’s family is facing new horror after the murdered child’s grave was defiled in a shocking incident investigators fear is linked to Satanic rituals

Page 26: Health Report -- anxiety linked to thyroid problems

Page 36: Lindsay Lohan has pulled a vanishing act while begging pals for much-needed cash -- she’s been living out of a suitcase for years and very few people know how to get hold of her or where she is -- now a high-profile book publisher has sued her after forking over $365,000 for a tell-all that she failed to complete so she’s hitting up all the big contacts she can and the word is she’s running on empty

Page 38: Real Life -- Alzheimer’s stricken granny’s home of 50 years was seized by cold-hearted bureaucrats because she owed a paltry six cents in back taxes

Page 44: Straight Talk -- we’re tired of scripted reality shows

Page 45: Just months after the deaths of Kobe Bryant and his daughter Gianna his mother-in-law Sofia Laine says a shocking rift has shredded the close relationship she had with her daughter and Kobe’s widow Vanessa Bryant, Tom Petty’s kin have ended their feud that got so petty they sued each other over salad dressing and now the clan’s uniting to re-release his legendary 1994 album Wildflowers which was almost scrapped due to nasty infighting between Tom’s widow Dana and the grown-up daughters Adria and Annakim from his first marriage

Page 47: Hollywood Flashback -- Jeff Goldblum as Tricycle Man in Robert Altman’s Nashville, Bizarre But True

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seenashwrite · 5 years

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Nash Watches & Rates Cheesy Hallmark & Lifetime Winter Movies So You Don’t Have To

(a.k.a. - Nash Records Her Viewings Of Hallmark & Lifetime Winter Movies, which are fanfic in visual form & are gold. And yes, it’s a apparently a legit sub-genre. Best I can tell, if it’s not Christmas or Valentines, and there’s snow, then it goes. Spoilers abound.)

ETA: This adventure is now moving to @seenashblog, so my SPN peeps can rest assured they’ll not be exposed to this any longer - I have a feeling I’ll not be done purging my soul for awhile yet #bless my heart

As per last time during the Christmas round-ups, 4 and 5 stars mean the best of the lot, 3 stars means it’s not necessarily a waste of your time, 2 stars is up to your discretion, and 1 star means it is time you will never get back.

Here we go.

Winter Castle (people you've never heard of - Hallmark)

Holy shit, cliché on parade and nobody can act?! Jack-friggin'-pot. Zero chemistry amongst anyone, from family to friendship to romance?! Hot damn.

So they're all at this place for a destination wedding (a.k.a, Selfish And Life-Disrupting And Huge Expense For Guests Thing And Oh Here’s Our Registry Too, come at me brah), and everyone is staying in a hotel. HA! KIDDING! They're all in this giant faux igloo, and by "faux" I mean there are these church-esque doors in what is, I guess, a specially-flown-in iceberg on land. Google tells me it’s an actual place.

Anyway, through the doors you'll find hallways (that have people carved into them, not creepy at all) which are lined with rooms. Suites? I never saw a bathroom door, doesn't damn matter, nobody poos in Hallmark's world. Oh, also, for lighting, we have Target pillar candles, then everything's backlit in '80s neon:

Are they shitting me?

But that's beside the point. Point is, it may be pretty to look at but in execution, it's stupid. No way people haven’t had to peace out and find a new joint to stay in because of near or actual hypothermia. Based on the warm, cozy, wood-floored, windowed, staircase-and-balcony-having rehearsal dinner area in a large building with stone wall exterior, this hotel actually has some, y'know, hotel to it. Lodge? Who cares, but I bring it up because of the standard precocious child who is there to bring everybody together whilst turning into a popsicle.

The poor kid is bundled within an inch of her life, dumb bunny-eared toboggan to puffy jacket, and is burrito'd in a sleeping bag, with a quilt on this bed that looks to be carved out of ice, as well, and I say "as well" because our leading lady is shown frequently perched on what looks to be a chair carved out of ice (fur puffy thing for ass protection) with her laptop on a table carved out of ice when she's face-timing her Not Gay Male Best Friend in a bow-tie and sweater vest back home, and - bonus! - he doubles as The One Person Of Color. Now, if memory serves, legit igloos made by actual First Nation(s) folks (meaning both Canadian and American - specifically, Alaskan - and probs any groups that found themselves in the way-way-North in the way-back-when and had to come up with this genius or, you know, die) are actually pretty damn warm once the fire gets cranking. Not to say you don't keep some fierce socks and gloves on, that's plain smart, but enclosed space with heat is enclosed space with heat - just don't lick the walls. That's good advice, igloo or otherwise.

On that topic, via the article linked above, says one of the actresses:

"It's like an igloo," Mullen told the Standard. "The further you go into the hotel, it gets colder and colder. As you walk down the hallway into the different rooms, it's just getting into your bones." She said every time they called "Cut!," everyone would put on jackets to warm up.

She’s incorrect - that’s not like an igloo. It’s too big, that’s why it doesn’t stay warm. I have *zero* desire to go to this place. That sounds like Dante’s Frosty The Snowman circle of hell. I digress.

I say all that to say, this movie is straight dumb because the script is basic bitch, they were leaning on the location and hard. It gets a star because they tried in the sense that they did use a unique setting, but the rest was neglected (the story and the casting). Everything else was so blaaaaaand, and the acting was so stilted and unnatural, and they cast the mother with someone who looks the exact same age as the lead gal/her sister (the bride), and then there’s this one chick character who was so pathetically desperate, and the leading man was such a pussy who wouldn't make a fucking decision, and they had our leading lady be all *sniffle* and tolerating that shit AND SHE JUST MET HIM BY THE WAY, and I just.... ugh.

1/5 stars

Royal Matchmaker (Bethany Joy Lenz - Hallmark)

This isn't an "official" Winter '19 jam, google tells me it's from the '18 spring movies, but everybody's bundled up, so I'm calling bullshit. It ain't half-bad, despite the fact that it's a “royal” one, who’d-a-thunk? There was one over Christmas that got a 4 (see link up top), and I never would’ve predicted it. But that was an oldie-goldie, this is now. This one has the traditional royal romance beats and, no shit, the sidekick is the same one from another "royal", the absolutely horrid "Christmas At The Palace”, from Christmas ‘18. I cannot reiterate how bad that movie was - not "My Christmas Love" bad, but bad.

All right, so - she’s a matchmaker from NYC, which is at least a new take on what's coming next - and you guessed it, a prince HAS to get married or some reason, even though it's mentioned they are under a Parliamentary system and not a monarchy, but he still has to because it's the 17th century, oh wait no it’s not. The king, who is from a random made-up locale (*sigh*) has hired her (and said partner) to find a suitable wife for his son, who’s presented as the typical eligible rich bachelor, and “presented as” is the key phrase. It’s one of the things I like about this plot, but it doesn't outweigh the bleeeccchhh.

For one, it wears me out, the making-up of countries. It’s distracting. If you’re gonna do royalty, the right move is to have the royal not be a king/prince but make it a duke/duchess jam, refer to the locale vaguely as a duchy in England or Ireland or Scotland or Sweden or Norway or whatever Americans will fall for, 'cause as a rule, Americans aren't typically hip to other countries' jams. Hell, say someone is a prince/princess, but it’s more in inherited title only - that’s what the 4 from the Christmas list did right. Nobody called him “Prince Whatever”, he wasn’t presented as this hot commodity, it was a nothing burger, we didn’t even find out that he had the title til near the end of the movie. I’ve digressed, back to this flick.

I detest the royal garb they’ve got lead dude in at the conclusion, it looks like you or I waltzed into Party City and slapped down $30 and walked back to the set. It’s ill-tailored and in too-bright colors and is, again, something utterly distracting that could've been avoided, and same with the king’s, too-small jacket to too-long length of slacks. All the women, including our main gal, are in prom dresses straight off the rack from Sears and J.C. Penney’s. This is not praise. The men are all in identical rented tuxedos with clip bow-ties. Thanks, I hate it.

I mean, and I hate that there’s a ball at the end at all, but it goes hand-in-hand with the core premise, which is that they’re on a tight schedule - ol’ Bethany has 4 weeks. They, of course, fall in love with one another, and props to casting because these two look good together and have decent chemistry, but that could be because Lenz knocks these movies out of the park - this is the third... maybe the fourth... that I’ve seen with her - she elevates everything she’s in. When I mentioned her to a friend, I was told she also elevated some shitty TV show that I never watched, so perhaps you are already familiar with her.

Anyhow, once again there’s too much filler and the ending draaaaaaags and then BOOM it’s done in the last three minutes, which is standard for these movies (both Lifetime and Hallmark), I’d say, about 95% of the time. The story was good in that the prince wasn’t a typical playboy and he kept his philanthropic side a secret because he didn’t want press invading these small villages and whatever he was helping rebuild - he genuinely likes getting his hands dirty and he actually knows how to do shit, he fixes a radiator at a community center at one point. Eh. I dunno. It had such potential in the front half, then just shit the bed in the back half, so it was half of a waste of my time. But you may dig it. It's far from the worst of Hallmark's offerings but, again, I think it's because of Lenz, she's the only thing getting it up from a 1/5.

2/5 stars

Oh… oh mah… what the... we interrupt the winter fare for what looks like a rando that’s snuck in and christ on a cracker, no. No. No. NO. The summary:

A woman begins an online relationship with a famous photographer, not realizing that she is actually communicating with the man’s young son.

This caught my ear because as I was sitting here writing up the last movie, it came on, and I hear this woman’s voice, her typing (so it’s her voice in her mind), then a man’s voice (as she’s reading), and I looked up when the man’s voice started switching to a kid’s (boy’s) voice back and forth every sentence or so - and then I looked at that summary, and….

"Chance at Romance", it's called –> 0/5 stars, I don’t even need to watch it, what a stupid garbage fucking premise, and it’s gross, and I hope that shit kid gets punished, like as in, no computer til he's old enough to own his own home and pay for his own internet, because scumbag kid. If he has the balls to pull this catfishing shitstorm on a fucking adult and gets away with it, what the fuck will he do to manipulate girls his own age? Gross. IT’S A GROSS PREMISE YOU GREETING CARD FUCKTARDS

Love On Ice (Andrew Walker, who's in every fourth movie, and the lead chick's familiar her name is Julie Berman - Hallmark)

Former pro skater, now teaching - don't worry, it's not the aforementioned “Christmas At The Palace”, despite the similar M.O. - and decides to go for one last run at regionals because the new coach in town who's teaching the next big thing is like "You used to be the next big thing, why don't you undo eight years of not training aggressively in, like, a couple weeks and compete against the girl I've been hired to make a winner, and I'll coach you both, because I have a boner for you and your shitty blonde extensions! No, that's not what he says, but that's the deal, yo. The next-big-thing's got an overbearing mother and, once his boner gets found out, here comes a new coach that used to be the former-next-big-thing's coach, and she's a horrible actress, she can't play sneaky-evil to save her life. I liked the two leads, and they did a better job than the other ice skating scenes/movies with concealing the real skater actors, but overall this was as boring as watching paint dry, I just wanted it to be over.

1/5 stars

The Perfect Catch (Nikki DeLoach and... shock of all shocks, no not really... our old buddy, Andrew Walker - Hallmark)

I swear, I don't know if Andrew Walker is on some mission from god, or being punished by him. I'm in the same boat, so I empathize. At least I'm not contracted. I can't speak for him, but I remain happy for DHJ, that he's escaped this purgatory, and is safe on the shore... at least, at present.

In any event, this one doesn't seem like a "Winter official", but there were jackets and no definite spring or fall standards (pastels or orange leaves), and it's airing now, so here we are. It seems to be baseball season, so I know they mean for it to be spring, but they are wearing coat-coats, not it's-still-kinda-chilly light jackets. I don't fucking care, I watched it, so I’m reporting on it.

It ticks many boxes on the Winter Fanfic Bingo card (forthcoming), specifically the ones that are carryovers from Christmas and will be carried over to all the Hallmark/Lifetime movies regardless of time of year. Because being formulaic, when playing the long game, is cheap and efficient, and in the restaurant business, or products made on a factory line, or in healthcare standards, things of that ilk, you want streamlined coupled with the trieds-and-trues. In writing? Not-so-much. It's lazy.

And speaking of restaurants, that's the first box that got ticked - our leading lady owns a restaurant and, next box, it's in danger of being lost. Other boxes include: our leading man is famous; he's the character that comes back home, leaves/might leave, then changes mine/comes back, and it's to stay!; adorable child who ideally will bring everyone together; a character's parents are dead. Blah-blah. Blah-blah-blah. Blah-blaaaaah-blah-bleh. <---- that had more variety than this flick. I mean, there's nothing wrong with this movie. It's vanilla. It's white bread. It's mashed potatoes with no salt or a touch of sour cream mixed in, no loading with shredded sharp cheese and crumbled brown sugar-and-cracked-pepper bacon and the barest touch of chives. I'm hungry, shut up.

It doesn't just get 1 star because it's not bottom barrel - everyone's competent in their acting, there's nothing outlandishly stupid about the script, it's not shellacked in Velveeta. I will say that they pull a little teensy, micro-twist with how they resolve his balancing a primo offer that in no way should he pass on career-wise fairly realistically. The very last scene is, of course, stupid and embarrassing.

2/5 stars

The next movie has palm trees, so officially not Winter. But oof.... it's got Kelly Rutherford and Cameron Mathison, both of whom are ringers. Hmmm. Yeah, I still ain’t subjecting myself to more than needed for this adventure. Oh, and they continue to play the basic-basic-BAAAAASIC-boring "Hope At Christmas" on Hallmark Movies and Mysteries", if you’re interested. It is a mystery to me as to why they continue to do so. Anyhow, there's apparently 3 or 4 more brand spanking new offerings from Hallmark for the next several weeks.

More to come. I’ll reblog this with every new entry added to the top, so you can always just keep this post URL bookmarked if you think you missed it. Tell me if you want to be tagged.

#Nash Watches and Rates #Cheesy Winter Movies #so you don't have to #Cheesy Movie Talk #Not SPN #though is a bit #SPN Tangentially #due to the fanfic nature #Back to our #regularly scheduled #programming shortly #Queueby Dooby Doo #Dad's on a blog post and #he hasn't been queued in a few days

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