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zombiebluejay · 1 year

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"Ye Olde Dirty Work"

Characters/ you, unnamed siblings, Aemond, Aegon, Helena, Alicent, Sir Criston

*PG/crack fic/no warnings necessary*

Your family gets Invited to Alicent's dinner party and a night of pranks ensues.

You’re not sure how you ended up in this situation. There Aegon stood, doing intricate and what you assume is supposed to be sexual body rolls vigorously to the terrified man playing the Vielle. He is making direct eye contact and you can. Not. Look. Away.

Once in a blue moon, Alicent asked your family over for a dinner party, and like a well oiled wagon sliding down a twerking dragon's back, your parents accepted as fast as they possibly could. Is it because they wanted to weasel you or one of your many siblings into the royal family? Most likely.

You haven't seen any of the Queen’s children since Aemond was in cloth diapers. You didn’t expect Aegon and Aemond to pull you and 5 of your siblings into a separate room. And you CERTAINLY didn’t expect Aegon to have several, presumably kidnapped, musicians stored in there, nor a jar of sweets shoved in-between the walls.

With Aegon crunking in the corner and Aemond laying on the floor rambling about how “Modern swordsmanship is lacking so much of the original flourish.” to you brother, an idea sparks in your head like cannon fire.

“Does anyone want to cause a ruckus?” To which immediately gained traction, Aemond leaped from the floor like a lizard, smacking your brother in the head; he cared not.

“What do you have in mind then?”

You stared Aemond in the face eye, as opposed to the one on the back of his head he said he had, making you crossed eye.

“You know what you must do? You know how to do it?” He nodded yes, and started running down the hall to Sir Cristins bed chamber, jar of tar in hand. The door croaked when opening, as if it knew how the night would end up.

Once inside, he craftily made his way over to the bed, it had not been made, and there were lots of used handkerchiefs strewn about with various pathetic liquids, some no longer liquid.

“Ew…” He whispered to himself while lifting the bed linens, drizzling the sticky dark goop all over the bed. Taking out feathers from the pillows and pilling them, he piled them around the bed. His nostrils curled. He sensed something with his non face eye. Over to the side of the door was Sir Cristen himself about to come in. He flopped over to the window and hid behind the curtain.

The Knight sat in the chair by the fireplace, knowing nothing of what may happen when he tries to sleep, and pulled out a scroll and a small cloth. Aemond squinted trying to see what was happening. Upon Sir Criston unrolling the scroll he could see a very ill drawn portrait of a woman in the nude…..Perhaps he drew it himself.

That was his queue to skidaddle, however. The prince grabbed what appeared to be a rock conveniently laid on the floor, just close enough for him to reach, and chucked it out the open 3rd story window, making a kerthump, alerting the knight to check it out.

He berraled back to the group of teenagers and young adults hiding in a secluded part of the castle grounds. “Who's next?” he asked, causing you and Aegon to simultaneously giggle manicaly.

After getting back from the Prainter, a person in the city who copies things very fast in large amounts, with many copies a portrait of Rhaenyra’s face on Aegon's body with a crown on the mix.

“Ready you fucking peasentry?” Aegon said while you huddled together, ready to destroy this fucking castle and the people there in.

In a single file line, the group tipped toed through every staircase and hallway, every alure, working as one organism with a single purpose. Pure chaos. Sliding across the hallway walls when hearing anyone walk close to them, as they got closer and closer to Alicent’s office, speeding up and slowing down when necessary. Finally, they reached their destination.

Your brother hands you the stack of portraits and Aegon hands you the glue.

“Let’s get started lads.” And with that word you start from her desk wall outward, and cover it wall to wall in the worst political art ever created. You look back to back at your masterpiece of terror. But morn was soon to be upon you.

“Oh yeah that makes me MOIST”, Aegon inserted unnecessarily.

Your plans were interrupted however as Alicent had busted through the doors loudly, seeing the stunningly foul act.

Helaena grabbed a vase and smashed it on the floor and screamed “SCATTER!” causing all of you to run around like chickens without head bumping into each other clucking about after the call out of your fucking about. Aegon jumped out of the window yelling “REMEMBER ME!” his words trailed off as he fell on the stones at the bottom with a thud. It was only about a 5 ft drop.

Once running outside, Aegon found his way back to the group. You all ran like the wind, screaming and wailing, one of your sisters started doing fingercannons up to the heavens, Aemond kept bumping into things due to his unfortunate lack of depth perception.

Finally you reached the edge of the city, on a small hill overlooking the place. Not a sign of anyone looking for any of you. Not a hair seemingly out of place, except for Aemond’s, who seemed slightly distressed about the glue he just found in his highly maintained hair.

Everyone collapsed on the ground, not one leg muscle working in the group. The sunrise was very welcomed. As the group looked around at each other, you knew this would be a memory you would all remember.

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zombiebluejay · 10 months

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“Hassle In The Castle”

Characters mentioned/ Aegon, Helaena, Aemond, Alicent, Visarys

*13+/ 60s AU/ magical realism/ CRACK FIC/ mystery?*

Ghosts gone wild! This is a very quickly written scooby doo esc fic, don’t expect it to be perfect lol.

Word count: 1.3k

“I’m ready.” Aegon whispered to his brother. The young man was fully padded from head to toe in his younger sister Helaena’s Dragonball protection. She had only actually played one game for their school, but after the ‘incident’ of her giving the point counting gnomes a jug of mead before the game, she was quietly put off the team, so as to not upset her mother. Though she was the wife of the not so democratically elected leader of the nation, she was on the board of the school district and unlike her husband, people actually feared her reign of terror. But with the OK of the oldest sibling, the youngest sibling, Aemond opened a door in their giant and old as the days of the dragon's mansion and pushed him into the room.

Approximately two seconds later a girlish scream was heard and the door swung back open, preceded by the white haired young man running for his life from a floating transparent ghoul that has been haunting the place for as long as they could remember, but only recently became violent.

It was the oddest thing, the ghost of the woman was clearly an old relative who had been killed in one of the tragic ways you hear about in history books, but had been calm for generations upon generations, only recently has she become an unlivable problem. But the siblings' parents were always out for something or another, but none of them wanted to pay rent and their parents' house was so big they could live here and have a party every day without them knowing, so it bothered no one, but that meant they had to take care of the ghost problem themselves.

The siblings hiding in the corner ran to their brother who had lost the ghost in the living room, and ran into the laundry room.

Aegon took his helmet off revealing his white side burns and green ascot tucked into a big silky black collar. “WHAT IN THE BLOODY HELL IS GOING ON WITH HER?! She has gone TOTALLY off the rails.” he blurted out with sweat and perhaps tears covering his face.

He sat down in a huff almost crushing one of the fairies that turned the laundry.

“There is something hinky going on, that’s for damn sure.” Aemond stated, with his hand on his chin and one eye closed. His mother called it his scrunchy thinking face. “I think we need to go look for potential motives. There’s no reason from an environmental standpoint, no change, that could have triggered this response from her.” Aemond knew the rest knew this fact as well, but he needed to remind Aegon especially so he wouldn’t run away again, like he did with the mermaid on their vacation last year.

“I mean Father was thinking of selling the land with the old servant’s quarters next year, they say that’s where she died.” Helaena said despite her barely paying attention to what was going on, as a unique beetle had landed on the small window next to the dryer’s vent.

“HE IS?!” the brothers shouted in tandem at their only sister.

“Yeah,” she pulled a small piece of paper out of the small pocket of her silky mini skirted green flowered dress, worn over white tights, “look”. The two boys huddled around, one look at the would-be lawyer Aemond told Helaena and Aegon that the document was legit, which settled it, they would have to find out how on earth the ghost would even know about this, as she never went into their dad’s office.

With a leap the three leapt out of the laundry room and ran for the next safe spot to plot, to avoid possible ghoul contact or attacks. They ducked into the hall closet, where they found the most unexpected thing. The ghost! But not ready to attack them, tied up with pieces of used to be living rope.

“YOU! But you were just screaming and trying to attack us all!” Aegon shouted at the ghost.

“That’s not me, I've been trapped here for over two weeks! But I think I know who did all this.” She said, telling her tail to the siblings three.

“Geez….” Said Aegon, speechless for the first time in his whole life. Once untied, the ghost handed the youngest brother a new paper of the news of a man they had known being convicted for grooming his own niece, making the lighting trapped lightbulb go off in their heads.

“Well folks, I think we need a trap to catch this man , clear handed.” Helaena stated matter of factly. “Let’s get to work.” She picked up some supplies from the closet and hopped out of the closet with a run as if the wall to wall carpet was filled with mice. Once caught up with her, they formulated the plan. Aemond would put on the cassette tape with Aegon’s horrible beatboxing that he assumed would woo the hottest cheerleader at the school, which he really thought would work, no dice. The ghost would follow him around the house while Aegon helped Helaena set up her trap.

Helaena had jerry rigged the kitchen perfect for non ghost hunting. “This HAS to work.” She said, as if it was a well contracted machine and not a bunch of knuts, bolts, wires and random kitchen implements.

“She’s coming!” Aemond said after slamming the door shut behind him, alerting Helaena to uncork the system for capturing a fraud of a specter.

The door swung open, hitting the wall, bumping a knife taped to the wall, blade to a string, slicing it through, dropping an ancient and heavy pasta maker onto a fork tied to a meat cleaver. Making it fling a salt shaker going lickety SPLAT against a hook tied to the ceiling causing a brick to fall tied to it directly onto the ghost, who’s fall caused the springs planted under the rug to pop rolling the ghost in the large and only non built in carpet in the whole house to wrap around the hazed ghost.

“WE GOT EM BOYS!” The trap maker shouted, clapping her hands together once very loudly. “Let’s unmask this Bogart!”

“May i do the honors?” Aegon asked, and with permission with a nod from the other two, pulled off the mask of the carpeted imposter, revealing the face of none other than their uncle Daemon.

“Uncle Daemon?! But why?” asked Aegon who clearly did not have a lightbulb go off in his head.

“Because, my dear brother” Said Aemond straightening his metal rimmed glasses, and with a dramatic walk around the room with his black poly cotton bell bottom pants swishing, “he was able to find out our dad’s plans to sell the family land that would have been passed to him, even from his jail cell. And thought he could somehow take it from the house, without knowing it was in Helaena’s pocket the whole time, he has been scaring us from room by room to search for it!”

“Why would they believe you? You’re just a bunch of strange teenagers?” He spit out.

Just then the police burst through the door to arrest the man, “you have no proof of any of your claims my beautiful nephews and niece” He said with a sly smile.

“Not true,” Aemond picked up the tape recorder used to get the man to follow him around the house, “I recorded over the tape with your confession.”

“YOU RECORDED OVER MY BEATBOXING MIX?” Aegon wailed in agony, causing the police to rupture into a roaring laughter.

“I would have gotten away with it, if it were not for you foolish children!” Daemon yelped from the police car seat he would be rolling around on the floor in, wrapped in the carpet of his downfall.

“He hasn’t seen us in awhile has he. He still thinks we’re kids” Helaena said.

“Well.” said Aemond, “he does seem to like children a bit too much….”

#lilah writes fanfic ʕ⁠ ⁠º⁠ ⁠ᴥ⁠ ⁠º⁠ʔ #hotd fic #hotd #house of the dragon #fanfic #aemond fic #aegon fic #helaena fic #aemond targaryen #aegon targaryen #helaena targaryen #writers on tumblr #hotd writers #hotd fandom #crack fics #hotd crack #mystery fic #sfw fic

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zombiebluejay · 1 year

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"Under Garden and Calicos"

Aemond Targaryen x Reader

*PG/Fluff/Angst(kinda)/No warnings necessary*

You find your beloved feeling lowly after an accident he caused .

Upon his hilt

His hand doth stood

Pondering, thinking

About what he could

About what he couldn't

He'd never have thought

About what he did

About his guilt

To slay his own

Death to them bring

To be known for killing

Someone that should have been loved

By him

A sigh did follow

A shake of his knee

Of quiver of his lip

"Gods be with me" thought he

Upon the inside wall

In the inside of a garden

You finally spot him, and you did call

Barely visible, he sat in shadow

The rain be pouring

The thunder clapping

Upon your way

The lightning roaring

Up you lifted

Your silken dress

From he who sat there, miserably

To you, It was gifted

He sat their sullen

You reached his side

Behind the rose bush

He did hide

Tears streaming upon his face

One reflecting

His own disgrace

The salt in the wound no longer stung

Himself a monster, he did fear

Upon this news you did revere

"Come now,"

You spoke, to dear

"You know the depth

Of yourself, it's true

But as someone who loves you,

I know you too.

You're hardened on the outside

To protect your heart

But you're kind on the inside

Your soul is art.

The glow of the sapphire

Comes from deep inside

Your soul is warmth

Your soul is light

I pray thee, do not weep

It hurts to see thee

Make such a peep

I know a way, to fill you up with glee,

As I can reassure you

You are more than life to me

There's is nothing I can say

No words to express such trust

Except dear love, how I do feel

The sunshine in the face

And the clouds in your hands

I see the ocean in your hair.

So kiss me now and here we'll stay

We can grieve and cry

Another day."

And there you stat,

The rain did drizzle

The rain did drop

But upon your kiss

The rain did stop

The sun came out

And the birds sang hark

You smiled at the song

Of your beloved lark

He held your hand

Your knuckles did kiss

You felt your hearts

Create your own land.

#lilah writes fanfic ʕ⁠ ⁠º⁠ ⁠ᴥ⁠ ⁠º⁠ʔ #Aemond #aemond the kinslayer #aemond one eye #aemond targaryen #house of the dragon #hotd #hbo hotd #ewan mitchell #fanfic #fluff #aemond x reader #aemond x you #poetry #fanfic in verse #aemond fluff #aemond angst

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