it is a good day to not know anything about smps

I don’t understand why people are upset. Curseforge isn’t paywalling is it, Its barely even TSR? You’re not going private on your patreon and you’re being upfront about why you’re still using the website, Not creating an alt and not a 500-subbed patreon sticking your hand in a second pot. Don’t let all these people virtue signaling get you down, everyone knows they’re full of shit hypocrites who probably couldn’t even manage “boycotting” mcdonalds or chick-fil-a LOL

Thanks for the support, nonny 💜

I'm gonna be real for a sec... once I see people boycotting & stop using the cc from littlemssam, turbodriver, lumpinou, srsly, twistedmexi, lot51, basemental, simrealist, pandasims, chingyu, lilbowbub, miiko, qicc, arethra, ah00b, greenllamas, dogsill, sentate, oakiyo, rusty, madlen, twistedcat, nws, and all the other huge & well-loved creators for still using cf... the ones actually making big bucks off the platform... then I'll take them seriously. But they're not, and we know why.

People on simblr can't even stop themselves from using, advertising, and paying cc creators that are doxxers and bigots. Because the virtual skirts are just too good to pass up. They talk a big talk and loooove to harass people (over anon only) but never once put their money where their mouth is. The creators that said nothing and ignored this subject will be rewarded when most people here forget about this within a week. And im gonna be honest, this is why I stopped caring about most issues here. Simblr is largely performative posturing to boost the ego and nothing else. A lot of people here cry and whine about issues in the community and then take no steps to solve them because they don't care about it really, they just want to join a good circlejerk to get their metaphorical rocks off. There's no real substance once you read between the lines.

I used to care about simblr, and... I still do, about my close mutuals and just having fun here. But the discourse and the "problems" people have just constantly turn me off and make me roll my eyes now. There's so much hypocrisy it's almost comical. Watching ppl tear one another apart over who is a "real activist" because they reblogged [x] amount of posts was like watching a Three Stooges skit. I can't be convinced that these people actually exist in the real world. I used to not understand people that called this shit "drama" and tried to avoid it, because it's not drama, it's important shit that deserves to be discussed- but now I realize it's because people here treat those subjects like drama. Like a reason to attack or one up someone, fuel for harassment for people they don't like, virtual points for their ego, etc. It's honestly disrespectful and embarrassing to those that truly care and deal with these issues.

I'm also gonna say, the only people that have come at me for this (on anon ofc) are obviously paywall simps because they keep mentioning paywallers/early access, which tells you enough about their motivations and what they really care about. It isn't the actual issues in the world bothering them, it's just an opportunity they can use to attack someone that didn't suck off their favorite scamming paywaller. And that's kinda sad to me honestly. Like how pathetic and trashy do you gotta be to compare these subjects in the first place? It honestly just makes me feel better about my choices here because none of it really feels like it matters to anyone with any sense. I felt uneasy about it, but now I feel more reassured that the only people acting like this are obvious freaks that never learned to integrate properly in society, you know? It's weirdly comforting lol.

imo one of the pitfalls of podcast fandoms being so incredibly white is that a lot of people miss the HUGE racial aspect of 'shut up and listen', an episode where lovelace (the only canon woman of color in the podcast) has to initiate a conversation about the way eiffel has been alienating & othering her throughout the entire series-- an episode specifically written by gabriel urbina, a costa rican immigrant to the US

memoria is rightly regarded as one of the most podcast episodes of all time, but shut up and listen is the episode that made me stop and go 'holy shit', because it is a really, really nuanced depiction of privilege & microaggressions that really could only have been written by an immigrant of color

i obviously don't speak for every poc in the w359 fandom, but i can say with a lot of certainty that a lot of us heard that episode, where lovelace, hera and minkowski tried to speak to eiffel about how his shitty behavior has been affecting them while eiffel continually tried to downplay and deflect how harmful his behavior was, and went 'this is exactly what it's like trying to talk to white people'

and that's a person they like, who they've rallied around and have gone to lengths to help and protect despite the way eiffel treated them, because they recognize that his intentions weren't harmful and that he truly did mean well

and after lovelace spoke to him, the first reaction eiffel had wasn't to recognize the harm he was doing or to change his behavior, it was was to immediately reassure himself that he's 'not a bad guy' (something lovelace neither said nor implied), and then to seek validation from minkowski. and the conversation with MINKOWSKI reflects what a lot of fans of color end up doing in primarily white fandom spaces, where we want to participate but in doing so have to tolerate endless microaggressions:

in fandom spaces that are mostly white, where all of the active members are white, and poc rarely speak up or leave very quickly, the reason isn't because shit isn't happening; it's because we've decided that picking those fights isn't worth it, because they don't result in any genuine reflection or change

they'll try to frame the insensitive comments as 'just a joke', without malicious intent-- which lovelace pointed out as well:

the way eiffel immediately took criticism of his ACTIONS as a reflection of his value as a person is pretty standard stuff for white people (and really, for ppl in any position of privilege who want to frame criticism of levers of power and their complicity in them as a personal attack) and that extends to how people engage with characters too

i've had conversations where people project onto characters so much that they take mild criticisms of the character personally, like getting mad when we talk about how jacobi is a condescending asshole and eiffel treats women pretty horrendously, or getting upset when we point out the ways minkowski fell short as a leader while she grew into that role, which was in canon a major part of her development as a character

it's pretty apparent when white people respond to any conflict as though they were being personally harmed by poc asserting boundaries, or they take other people having a differing opinion as an invalidation of their experiences (which weirdly enough only seems to happen when it's poc with the conflicting opinion), and the only solution i've found to all this is really to just curate your own spaces.

relying on other people to genuinely change their behavior when there's no actual pressure, desire, or requirement to do so is just setting yourself up for disappointment, and unfortunately that's been true in every fandom i've ever been a part of! people who don't know how to exist in a diverse space are VERY obvious, and usually weed themselves out, and conversely white people who can handle being in a diverse space are everywhere too

anyway! i think people really need to listen to 'shut up and listen' (a very pointedly named episode) with understanding of its context and intent-- that lovelace, an alien and a black woman, pointed out that eiffel was behaving terribly about her being an alien (which has direct parallels to the treatment she experiences as a woc) and he immediately tried to make it about himself and his value as a person instead of the impact of his actions on others.

hera, whose AI-ness has parallels to disability, and chronic pain, and trans identity, understands that eiffel cares for her but she still took the time to point out that his actions hurt her regularly, yet all that time her asking him to stop was less important than his own cleverness and pop culture references.

and minkowski, whose background as an immigrant (esp an eastern european immigrant during the cold war era) means she has always had to put up with being alienated for her name, her accent, her way of speaking and communicating if it's not exactly the way other people expect her to. she knows eiffel likes and respects her; but his own comfort was more important to him than demonstrating that respect.

and it took him a while, but eiffel DID eventually shape up, he recognized what was expected of him as a friend and a crewmember-- which makes him a whole lot better than most non-fictional people LMAO

so I read Confessions of the Fox by Jordy Rosenberg

short description if you haven’t heard of it: its written by a trans guy. a trans dude marxist prof finds manuscript that purports to be the accurate confessions of Jack Sheppard, 18th century thief, wherein it reveals that jack is Also a trans dude. the prof annotates it w some notes and also about whats happening in his life (being put on unpaid leave by evil capitalist dean, failed dates)

it uhhhhhhh left me with a lot of conflicting emotions. i also realised i haven’t really read any novel by a trans guy before which was like, i was like, is this what cis people feel when they’re reading about cis people?! i’ve been missing this so long?!

On one hand: i don’t even have words to describe how weirdly like, similar it was not only in ~Trans Experience~ but also in the similarity of Metaphors used that i also used for my own life, and it fucked me up in that sense. Like usually what surprises me w/ similarity in books is that it feels the author is siphoning things from my head and could peer into my brain. In this case what was surprising about the similarity is that it had somehow emerged from outside of me. Like just finding something completely extermal to me, that happened to match SO CLOSELY with my own experiences, was extremely fucked up and wack and I was astonished. And not only the Metaphors but the References to Foucault and Herculine Barbin and Derrida and that one fucking queer theory essay that talks about a “pussy” or w/e being “a loved point of entry”-- not that I agree and love every reference but just that Constantly i was being put upon by things that I knew and understood, and had also read. It was bizarre.

Also somewhat related to ^^^ is that in places it was almost Embarrassing, as in i was receiving extreme Secondhand Embarassment to be seeing these words and experiences being put out so plainly, and in the public eye, to the point where I almost don’t want to recommend it to people because the recommendation would be some sort of exposure of feelings better kept hidden. Tho that is the point of a book?! It had me very flustered.

The third part: both Jack and the prof are straight trans guys. In theory I am not really opposed to straight trans people calling themselves “queer” bc I really just, don’t care, I don’t have a stake in it, & it makes sense to me that ppl with non cis bodies would relate to a word that expresses that sort of thing, particularly in regard 2 their relationships. So to be clear, IDC, officially. ....In practice, though, it made me SORT OF UNCOMFORTABLE that these guys getting with women kept having their relationships and love be described as “queer.” Bc me as a gay was like, What Am I Then.... What’s OP consider me.....I think overall this is something that is just like, a personal insecurity on my part, because I doubt that OP would think I’m not ~actually~ gay. I also think it gets into an area thats really uhhhh....potentially rife for troubles. Because like: I think we can talk about how sometimes trans guys have history with and reason to relate to the ~(cis) lesbian community~ and how trans women have the same with the ~(cis) gay community~ but ALSO that history and relationship sometimes won’t be there, or will be broken off, and/or trans guys will feel comfortable with the (cis) ~Gays~ and same w trans women for the (cis) ~Lesbians~. And we can acknowledge BOTH of these experiences w/o making it so one invalidates the other. Like, trans people have a complicated relationship to dominant modes of gender!! Its literally stated right there in the “trans”!!!!

BUUUUUUUT, having said that, i ALSO have a problem when one narrative gets more attention with the other. So Im also kind of upset that the “straight trans person w ties to the gays of their aab  gender” is like the ONLY narrative that gets ANY sort of traction,like recently I read Joseph Cassara’s The House of Impossible Beauties which had the same thing w/ trans women and gays. And starting both of these I was like “Wow! Amazing how these trans books seem to have gotten a lot more attention than say, Casey Plett’s Little Fish!” And then I saw that both of them had the “straight trans people are Kinda Gay” perspective and was like “ohhhhhhhhhhh” bc you know cis people eat that shit up.

Anyway those are my #thots, i sort of want to rec it to the prof i had whos a socialist that i worked on medieval manuscripts and talked about foucault with bc i think he would find it entertaining but i also have the problem of,,,embarrassment lmfao. (thats another thing bc it has trans experience that is sometimes relateable and sometimes not and im always worried cis ppl will read it and be like “oh this is what trans ppl are LIke” and thus think thats what I am Like aaagh. maybe i’ll rec it to trans ppl only idk lmao!)

for the q&a post.. do them all

ffffffffuck….

0: Height5'6"
1: Virgin?HAAHAHAHhaahaeheheheh yeah
2: Shoe sizeuhh like 7-8??
3: Do you smoke?no, don’t want to
4: Do you drink?no, never had the chance
5: Do you take drugs?no still never had the chance
6: Age you get mistaken forlike 15-16 tbh
7: Have tattoos?no
8: Want any tattoos?yeah smthn cute n small would be nice
9: Got any piercings?no
10: Want any piercings?yeah, i want a septum piercing, like two on each lobe and maybe a bar???
11: Best friend?she is @ostriched and she is beautiful 
12: Relationship statusuhhhhhh like. sort of??? it’s long distance so it’s weird
13: Biggest turn onshands, voices, cute nicknames, being told i’m wanted, communication,,,
14: Biggest turn offsuhHH being ignored, slurping noises, “panties”, i’ve suddenly forgotten everything i hate
15: Favorite movieOH GOD uh like idk i’m big on superhero films i rly liked gods and monsters?? or american psycho??
16: I’ll love you ifyou give me your attention and affection, listen to me, and WANT to talk to me and not start hating me for my issues :^)
17: Someone you missmy sorta bf has been gone a few days. or like someone that’s gone from my life, my last girlfriend. we were good friends for a long time and i fucked up. 
18: Most traumatic experiencenearly getting raped/molested by a 20 year old guy i liked at 15 
19: A fact about your personalityit’s a disorder i have a personality disorder idk what my personality is ngl
20: What I hate most about myselfmy personality 
21: What I love most about myselfhow loyal i am i guess??
22: What I want to be when I get oldera loving wife. honestly idk what job i want. 
23: My relationship with my sibling(s)i have none
24: My relationship with my parent(s)dads okay, he just wants me safe. mom is hella white/conservative/christian so i pretend a lot but we still fight 
25: My idea of a perfect datestaying home, watching movies naked, cuddling with lots of blankets in a pillow fort. 
26: My biggest pet peeves“panties”, when ppl even jokingly constantly point out something i apologize for, people who don’t drive the speed limit,,
27: A description of the girl/boy I likeawwhhhh ok ok he’s 6'6" blonde, veteran so he keeps a buzz cut. weird goatee facial hair but he’s still adorable. very affectionate and likes when i’m clingy, pretty sad overall life but still funny and somehow loving. he’s a babe. also he has like a 10" dick. 
28: A description of the person I dislike the mostyoung blonde bitch, thinks she’s so good at everything, won’t listen, doesn’t remember ANYTHING, can’t do work right, not that pretty but brags about how many guys flirt with her,,,
29: A reason I’ve lied to a friendcause i don’t wanna go anywhere but i don’t wanna hurt feelings
30: What I hate the most about work/schoolschool, i hate cause i have no friends in my classes and they’re classes i’m bad at. 
31: What your last text message saysSNATCHED
32: What words upset me the mostpanties. tbh can’t think of any others rn ofc
33: What words make me feel the best about myselflove, adorable, talented, smart, pretty, regardless
34: What I find attractive in womeni normally find i like shorter girls but honestly i’ve dated and liked a p wide variety i look for personality mostly. 
35: What I find attractive in menheight, hands, hairstyles (depending on their other features), and ofc personality. 
36: Where I would like to livemaine probably. maybe seattle. 
37: One of my insecuritieseverything. my weight, face, personality, etc 
38: My childhood career choicefashion designer. 
39: My favorite ice cream flavorcookie dough or just vanilla. mint is good too. 
40: Who wish I could beidk someone who likes themselves. 
41: Where I want to be right nowwith my bf
42: The last thing I ateborger
43: Sexiest person that comes to my mind immediatelyother than my mans? idk chris pratt prob. 
44: A random fact about anything my bf and i both want a pet hyena weirdly enough.

We had a very long talk. I don't feel a lot better but I feel a bit better. He was definitely upset but also seemed weirdly level headed about it because of the people he's lost to drug addiction.

My friend whom I disturbed by being careless with my arms but yet was so respectful and decent about it but she said that although we're two very sick people, right now all we have is each other.

He said he felt like he half assed helping people when he had more resources to help and although it was a direct reference to the drug addicts I felt I got a peripheral admittance that he could've done more and not just like oh woe is me I could've done more but actually done more.

He said he felt very alone. That no one has visited him. That his mother didn't care about her death because she really didn't like her.

Did the spirits work this. Like, this is the slap in the face we all wanted. He said he didn't know what to do like he wanted to help people and give them a safe space but he also wanted to leave the past 7 years "and that house" behind him. And you know I realized I have like a level of maturity I didn't know I had because it was a mutual understanding that I wasn't apart of this. He's not talking about me. I know a moderate drug life and when you go through these experiences at the time it's like fun shit but it's actually like a trauma you shared with this person. Like our very bad trip on shrooms. When I was younger I had a group I did drugs with and we were bonded by this because it's gross. Ppl throw up and shit themselves, they do embarrassing things. But long term doing that - I can't imagine. I only know this small example. I'm also not even a former addict I was habitual but recreationally.. Like I did it every weekend but stayed clean all week. I never used needles. I don't know the intricacies of this addiction but I respect what you build with these real people. However in order to truly save yourself you have to identify their drug addiction.its apart of them and only they will stop using. So ur trust is broken a thousand times and how do you help?

Is it healthy to state my delusion? I know it's fucked up for me to have it at the back of my mind. I should be focused forward, on myself. On my disturbing of my friend. On my inability to get it the fuck together. I think as well maybe he wants to set an example for me - like if he wallows too long it adds to my perception it's "okay". But like.. I guess I'm going through a really painful transformation period where like I'm destroying my mind and body to start fresh? Like I'll always bare the scars of my past but I'll have just destroyed so much of myself that I will be able to start fresh. I humble myself to my illness, once again. I am grateful not to be hospitalized yet. I'm sure at some point it's going to come just based on my progression but in this help I'm given a chance to change the course before it gets there.

I'm not even there enough to be a functioning person. I need to figure this out before it totally destroys me in a bad way.

I guess my delusions stay in my dreams where they belong. He said he wanted to "get out" before his mom came there and I don't know what that means but I hope it means he's returning at the end of the month. He's broke now anyways. Broke, alone and eaten by bugs and I'm not sorry for him because he deserves these things for being so conceited and shitty. He never should've left but at the same time he should've because it gave him an automatic excuse. Like he would have to spend hundreds of dollars for a spectacle over a dead girl. That although may be a good hearted person, certainly hurt as much as she did good.

I believe he spoke carefully about how she shaped who he is and that he was glad to be that but at the same time wanted to leave things behind. Like he spoke on her compassion etc. However this girl introduced polyamory to him because she wanted to be with other people at the same time and have him live on this farm with them. The only way he could maintain a relationship with her was by never commiting to anyone else that wouldn't accept being in a relationship with her how she wanted it. It was nuts to read these journal entries describing it and he was hurt but he wanted her and as long as she was alive anyone with him would eventually be with her. I ignored this in our relationship because it's immature attention whore bullshit who was imo trying to keep a lasso on her golden ticket. It wasn't practical or logical to real life including the actual way polyamory is seen to work. Her view on this truly shaped our relationship and that I had to accept other girls would be in his bed because she was going to be in his bed. But she didn't really care about him at all like he was just another number in her many many many people she fucked with. He hung on to her scraps. He watched her go through other men because he loved her and this is what she wanted. It was sick and he dated my friend now before me (complicated) and she also had to deal with this girl's influence.

But now that she's gone and it's just me.

How many other girls will appear? Is he already? Unlikely, but still. Is polyamory still a thing? He said he had to consider having a "boring life" where he has a career and "normal boring things". I guess I'm a boring thing.

I feel super bonded to him. Like my life path led to him and all of this is supposed to happen like this because we have to do this. And we're not together because we never would've appreciated together until all of this. I'm not saying we will be together. I want us to be, I hope we will be. Like say what you want but we are good for each other. We just struggle to maintain. Like when we argue we are arguing with fate, not each other. Like fate why aren't we where we need to be when we so badly want to be together right now. There is no residual anger. And one of the biggest things is that he'd always "fuck someone else". I invited him to. He never did.

It doesn't bother me that I'm not the manic Pixie dream girl. She had 7 years - if I stick around I could be the love of his life. I'm not small blonde and cute. I'm the opposite. I'm the opposite of her bubbly personality. I'm "cute" like a dumb puppy. Like wow so dumb ur adorable. I'm brooding and reserved. I'm too ghetto to be Goth but too dark to be the average scene party girl. I'm not a character you mimick because my traits are really unique and like.. Slightly off putting with a rhythm and cadence that is just me. Today for the first time I heard my unidentifiable accent. I was saying sound and he kept saying song. And I could hear how he heard song even as I repeated sound over and over. How is this a thing? Like I developed a really fucked up way of communicating. I digress.

I'll never be her. Maybe I'll never be idolized like he does with her. But I'm okay because he has yet to fully realize my importance in his life. They will all come and go and I will be here.

I wish I could ask when he's coming home. If. I mean, he has no money.