lady amber my beloved

20220821 - First Impressions Of Fatherhood

   The greatest gift I have received thus far in my life is the sight of my baby girl looking up at me for the first time. It was the 18th; my birthday. We'd spent the last two days in the Labor and Delivery suite at the hospital, waiting anxiously for her arrival. Between contractions, the blinking monitors, and the frigid room air, my partner and I held steady to the ever looming reality; as first time parents, nothing really prepares you for what lies ahead. You will never know exactly what you don't know until you know.

   Presently, baby lies on her back in her bassinet as I try to make something of the night shift. Guilt remains omnipresent - whether its the relatives that insist upon seeing my daughter or the idea that I might wake up Michelle again to help feed, or the unease of being away from my post but still hearing the endless notifications, far too many thoughts other than baby fill my head with dread. Maybe this is the imposter syndrome, the sense of ungratefulness, or just my own self-destructive edge cutting me from the inside again - uncertainty reigns. So I make it a habit to insist my partner lies in bed to recover from the past few days so I can have a few moments quiet reflection.

   Is it cold to tell your own mother not to come meet her first granddaughter, insisting that she'll be able the next week? Is it cold to tell her that you want to keep the baby safe? Reasons abound for keeping little one tucked away, but in a sense, it feels like I'm hoarding my pride and joy. I must have been my mother's pride and joy once upon a time, and every which chance she could share that with the world, she didn't dare hesitate, and if we're talking about why parents risked it all to come to this country and give us a better life, would it not to have been amazing to see the fruits of their labor? I prod my partner half-heartedly, but I know that I've made the right decision. Echoing my workmate who's also recently a father, you have to do what's best for you and your family. This is your life - it's not about everyone else for once. And whilst I cry inside for denying myself the chance to see my mother in person after so long, I know that I'll see her soon, and when I do, I'll still be able to thank her for everything she ever did for me.

   Friendships have never been easy for me - I can count on one hand the people I have any kind of regular contact with, and I'd just be naming my workmates. But since I've been with Michelle, the warmth with which her friends hve received me has been nothing short of wonderful. There's so much I have in common with these people and so much I don't. But being able to talk to these people and not have to resort to this showman style personality reminds me that there's more to me than I let myself believe. Each one of them has such a rich world of personality that i can't help but just be in awe of them. Michelle treasures these friendships and I want them all to know how much it means to me. It's not just the fact that so many of them have kids or are going to have kids - it's the fact that each one informs another beautiful aspect of the woman I love. So I try my best to give them pictures and give them updates. Maybe I'm not a close enough aquaintance to keep them on a consistent loop but they just as much family to me as they are to her.

   I'm constantly reminded of something Sam, a coworker from another branch told me when he came out west - "I know you have one foot out the door already, but you could really do something here." January 1st sounds like such a great time to leave but I know my heart left this game a long time ago. Do I entertain the idea of going out to set? Sure, I mean why not? I am not above making more money. But I know what I want out of this life - the prep floor won't get me home by 6PM. I already hate coming home after traffic, do I really need to justify coming home after my baby's first steps? So much time spent outside my house that today, and just today, when alone in the dark trying my absolute best not to wake my family, do I realize just how much I love my home. How much I love the white walls, the gentle breeze, the way the sun rises through the alleyway and fills our rooms with daylight; I'm only ever home when parking is all but gone. But I think of all the complaints we;ve been getting, of how many calls Chris gets because of the service we provide. It's an easy excuse to pin things on operations, communications, the budget, everything except me. But at some point I have to be held accountable. I have ot hold myself accountable - Michael didn't spend so many nights at this place just to let it fall apart. And I owe it to the dedication and passion of each and every person in the office to uphold my end of the bargain. Change beings on the individual level, and if I'm being honest, sometimes I can't tell if I'm tired of the job for what it is or what I've let it become. So even if I tell myself this is my last year, I have to remind myself that it's only just August. I left at a busy time, I will return at a busy time, and until Christmas, there wont be a moment's rest. I just have to keep doing my best. No conditionals, no excuses. Otherwise I might as well leave.

   All in all, I think that fatherhood is what I make of it. I just have to make better decisions. Not just for me, but for baby. I don;t want to come home to be absent and tired. I don;t want to disappoint people like I always do. I want to be someone worth knowing, someone worth looking up to. I want to be the best person I can be.  

yeah i do things wrong. i dont know what the fuck im doing though. when i hurt people, i dont know that i do unless they say anything. if i dont have guidance for what i do, i dont know how to do it. i dont know how to be a good friend. i thought ive changed but apparently “i havent”. i used to treat everyone like shit, yeah. i used to think i was hot shit. i wanted to be cool but i wasnt. i didnt know who i was. not to blame alters or anything but half the shit from way long ago was wolfgang. yeah i fucking hate it but ive said that before and everyone excuses it. tbt to when **** said i was faking did to hve exuses to be shitty! while in reality i broke down every fucking day because i didnt feel normal or right. i still, to this day, barely know what i did wrong. i know i said some shitty things. i know you didnt want to be in that relationship with me. i felt like shit every fucking day beause i know that. you broke up with me, why didnt you keep it that way? you were the one who came to ME asking for me back. and you still continue to tell me im awful. you talk shit about things i cant fucking help as a person. you tell me and other people i used you for sex. yeah fucking right. remember the first time you tried to do shit wifh me? where was the fucking consent? you didnt ask me if it was okay, you didnt ask if i was ok. remember the time i was literally sobbing when you went down on me and you didnt fucking do anything? i know you knew i was not okay. do you remember when i told you i wasnt okay with being dominant because i was forced into it in a Serious Abusive relationship? yeah and you continued to make me feel like shit about not pleasing you. you made jokes about me fucking you and it was uncomfortable as hell. why would i stay with you for sex if you made me feel like shit every time i actually tried to fuck you? you made jokes about how bad i was and i have no stamina. i cant fucking help not being able to do things because of trauma. i. have. ptsd. i in no way compare you to a****** and you fucking know that but you continue to act like i demonize you. you pressured me into sex, you made me feel like shit when we had sex, you embarrassed me about it outside the bedroom when i begged you not to, you manipulated me into feeling like shit all the time, and now youre just talking shit about me. i havent made one post about you since i put those reciepts on instagram. also stop trying to excuse the fact you put your fucking hands on me. "gently pushed" my ASS. you thought it was wolfgang so you were rough. i opened my arms to come hug you, i was a good length away, you couldve said "dont touch me". but yoh know what you did? you shoved me and then said "dont. touch me." not to mention the fact that you literally did punch me in the crotch just a few days ago. "it was a joke" OK. that doesnt exchse it. it wasnt light, it wasnt playful. you know i fucking flinch when you even throw the ball for my dog. excuse me for being fucking scared. why do you try to make me feel like shit even after this is over? i told you in the end i wanted you to be happy. and i genuinely mean that. i hope you find someone you dont have to abuse and blame. i hope you realize what yohve done. "i self harmed because of you" bull shit. i didnt self harm for fucking months until April, now. i went to cutting like three times a week because i felt like shit because of what IVE done. you made me feel like ive done shit wrong. "out of context reciepts" my ass. He guided me through our conversations, and She read through them. they both say the same shit i do. last night, with one of OUR friends, one youre graduating with, said "i knew he was abusing you. i saw it from the beginning". i used to fucking love you and adore you. i know im not good at showing it but i gave up because having you over all the time, buying you food and other misc things, cuddling you, making out, having sex, writing you letters every week, drawing you shit, none of that was enough. you barely ever thanked me for the shit i did either. i spent hundreds of dollars on you, wait no, i wasted it. im sorry i was never good enough for Aiden Standards. i talked so highly of you for so long. but recently you know its gotten bad. i dont know what i did to make you hate me so much, you still dont tell me. none of the shit you say makes sense. see right now, im not blaming my mental illness on shit, as you are. bpd isnt an excuse to harm people. you say you became evil because i was your fp and you stole my personality. when was i ever fucking evil? i didnt treat you the way you treated me. maybe two years ago to the time we talked in early 2016, i was bad to you. i admit that. i tell you im sorry all the time. i didnt know any better. all ican do is apologize because yeah i do feel like shit about it. i didnt treat anyone right and its because i didnt know how to act. im rude to people still to this day because i dont know how else to show people my affection. im not good with communication, affection or empathy. every time i show a single symptom of being autistic, you use it against me. fuck you. nothing i do is ever going to be good enough, oh i am so so sorry dear king aiden, i am not a good enough prince for you. eat shit dude. i did things wrong but i didnt abuse you. im never going to lie that ive been manipulative but i apologize for it and try to fix it. ive never intentionally tried to hurt you. unlike youve done to me. you cant ever deny it, i have plenty of examples. not that im going to tell you though, as weve both blocked each other on everything. youre a terrible person, aiden. ive done everything i can for you. one day youre going to find someone you dont have to treat like shit. we dont even talk anymore but you vague me on your blogs as if im the abuser. im happy without you. oliver would never treat me the way you treat me. they would never put their hands on me. they wouldnt ever try to manipulate me or make me feel like shit. yeah a lot of this is on me for being sensitive but you dont know the extent of shit ive gone through. and i dont know yours either, but i dont push (haha) you like youve pushed me (haha). why are you even here? why are you reading this? i check on your blogs because surprise surpise i care about you and i always have. im not stalking you, i just want to make sure YOURE Ok, even after all this time. i hate you, but i care about you. no matter how shitty you are. fuck you. fuck you. nobody can deny how awful you are. the only person to ever excuse your actions is my mom but guess what? she fucking abuses me too. fuck you.