#like my dads experience…. yeah no i wasnt like. i wasnt that bad
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I think bpd is a bullshit stigmatizing label thrown at women to pathologize what is very obviously a response to prolonged childhood trauma and would be better labeled as C-PTSD. that being said my god I am bpd as fuck
#my sister just snapped at me bc i said i dont want to do a ton of physical labor for the job she signed me up for which apparently does i#in fact involve a lot of it. and her being mad for even that moment sent me spiraling so badly & i had the reaction i often do where#i start hating both her & myself terribly & want to isolate forever#i think she hates her new job & is taking it out on me but it doesnt matter bc i cant handle being yelled at#and the fact thst it took me till adulthood to realize thats bc i associate it with my father is crazy. yeah its just the cptsd like#everything else. and whats nutso is how i continue to think my trauma Wasnt Bad Enough for ptsd .#just bc he didnt beat the shit out of or molest me i feel like i dont even have a right to be this fucked up#not that it was only him. being bullied at school really did not help. i guess now that i think about it the problem is that until#i was a teenager i literally did not feel emotionally secure anywhere. home or school. always the ticking of a bomb in the bg#the inevitable moment my dad blew up over nothing or i overheard my peers talking about what a freak i was#i dont know why it still hurts to think about. im so far removed from it my life now couldnt be more different#well thats the stupid fucking thing about childhood isnt it. those are your very first experiences with the world & other ppl#i do know my view of romantic relationships was irrevocably poisoned by my parents & that is never going to be undone. so cool
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elevators so scary
#im saying this bc i got hit on (kind of) in the elevator this morning#absolutely baffling experience#all this happened at 6 am btw. which added to the surrealness of it all#so im doing my usual walking at breakneck pace to get into work . and am making it from the first bank of elevators to the second#and theres some guy behind me and im hoping to beat him to the elevators but i DONT#and im still pressing the doors close button as he's walking up to the elevator but he still gets in#and im like ok. preparing myself for a slightly slower elevator ride bc we're gonna have to stop for his floor before mine#and i think this is gonna be your usual silent elevator ride. like your usual sane respectful elevator encounters should be#but this guys like good morning! and im like good morning back before i return to staring pointedly at my phone thinking itll end there#but it doesnt! and hes like how are you :) and im like goodhowareyou#and hes like not bad and i just kinda nod and go back to my phone. and then hes like how was your weekend :)#and by now im thinking maybe this guys a new member of the catering team i work in and is Friendly so i just go on#and im like good how about you and hes like oh good . it was quiet#and at this point all i can say is that's nice and go back again to my phone. but hes not taking the hint#and hes like oh i watched some football. did you watch any football?#and i should have said no and ended the conversation but its 6 am and i DID actually watch like 10 minute of football when my dad had it on#so i say yeah and hes like oh thats good! whos your favorite team :)#and i PANIC because i have zero knowledge of football and i should have said the vikings but i wasnt abt the back the losing team#so i say the giants as we FINALLY get to his floor and as hes leaving hes like OHH i like you even more now ;)#and im at a loss for how to respond#and then he says smth else abt football and im just like yeah! 👍 as the doors close#and to make this more baffling. hes not a member of the catering team#hes part of the wells fargo bankers that the catering team works for#but he thought i????? was a fellow wells fargo banker i guess?????#yet unlike the rest of the catering team i dont even work on the floors this guy would be on#but somehow he saw me at my most disheveled 6 am just powerwalked through scary nyc streets self. and was like hey ;)#time to talk to this girl about football ;)#BAFFLING. who does this
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Ten things about the way i was raised:
1. Im not white. Im not american nor european. Im a filipino. No english ties- im fully native and lived in my country all my life. Somehow i can only speak english. No- they dont really teach us about US slavery and other global stuff until late high school and college (with the exceptions of history stuff that actually has something to do with the build and association of our country). No- I am not a politics person and I'm interested in cartoons rather than our grim reality. No- i didnt have much self awareness because all i cared was having a fun time.
2. I think i am stupid. Im not diagnosed in anything officially but i know im neurodivergent, as my list of interests are usually deemed "immature". Parents kept saying i was fine until i realized in senior high "oh ive been groomed for five years during my most crucial ages, depressed, have bare socialization, anxious all the time and possibly have aspergers". So yeah im a mess. My parents were no Chilli and Bandit. In fact, they didnt really interact with me much- always busy with work and lended me to babysitters and cousin mingling. I was a simple-minded kid who did not care about the atrocities that happened outside of this bubble.
3. A lot of things important to my political view and moral compasses had to be built from the internet. Simple stuff like "be kind to others so they will be kind to you"- yep that surface level courtesy stuff is there i learned through school. I knew racism was bad and uncomfortable though when i was elementary and I wasn't one to participate in home wreckage and other middle school naughty stuff. I followed orders as to not get punished and I believed in good (and eating clouds). I wasn't the most intellectual kid at school- all i cared about was the next episode of Fragglerock and maintaining an honors role so i dont piss off my parents.
4. Yet, despite my simple-mindedness that I can compare to Laios Dungeonmeshi, I somehow wounded up in a government science highschool which was... A horrible experience as I didn't share interests with anyone there. Everyone else was so different. I had no friends and I knew the people hated me because they did this cruel joke at a christian recollection- for everyone in a class to make notes to someone- whether positive or negative. Most of the notes I got were negative. I dont recall any good memories in highschool at all and it took a horrible mental toll on me. I wasnt actively bullied but I sure felt very unwanted.
5. The internet was practically my guide to how to life and even then i used it for entertainment. Parents only cared about tutoring me- talking about my grades and making friends with people in my class i dont like just to get by. And most of all, they always talked about my weight. My mother always compared me to other kids. I always ignore her but shes done this for decades. I still live under her roof. Whenever i try to ask her about stuff, she ignores it. She always reverts it to being about school or my weight. She's a wall. My dad on the other hand- hes just careless. He has anger issues and doesnt know how to take care of himself. Always fights with my mom. They never took me to therapy and or assign me to medication until i argued and fought for it a year ago.
6. Did i just casually say i was groomed for five years? Yeah. It was around when fnaf 1 was out. Met this guy when i was like 14 and admitted to him when I was 15. He was nine years older than me. I stooped to him. Vented constantly to him. Depended on him for validation and all that. I even exposed myself to him at 17. Didnt stop me or anything. Nobody else did or questioned it except a cousin who tried and a random person who played transformice. Will i say its fucked up nobody tried stopping me? Yes. Yes it was. But i dont blame them. It was all up to my groomer and I was under his manipulation and teachings and "normalizations" for years. As you can see, this really fucked me up. No. Im not telling his name, but if you can figure it out then congrats- dont harass him. It gave me a warped view on how people treat me and how i see other grooming situations (the many media that tackle implied grooming went over my head completely all the time until someone outright states it)
7. So how was i able to figure it all out and get the fuck out? I saw him faving nsfw art of a character who was a minor. Had an argument with him and it is within the weeks after i took off did i realize "oh. I was groomed." No. It wasnt somebody telling me this. I had to figure this shit out on my own that it was grooming. I was about 18 or 19 when I found out. Are you starting to see how fucked up i am? Having to only rely on myself and the little advice on others to live life? And i still do that, except people will shout at me first expecting i know this stuff beforehand because im an adult, instead of kindly nudging me.
8. So why do i never talk about this? Dont want the tragedies to make my identity. Id rather talk about funny fictitious characters finding their own happiness rather than having it all focus on my boring miserable life. I live off and breathe in fantasies. To become engrossed in something we cannot have and be in real life was my everything. Amidst this, it took me a while to realize my gender identity and myself as a person. It was only last year did i realize im genderfluid, and few years ago i was bisexual. My parents, being catholic conservative christians who use "gay" as one-note descriptions on the minority folks that they meet, would never talk to me about this. Hell, when i first did, they told me its taboo to talk about it. (And very recently i found out theyre accepting of gay people but... Are transphobic?????)
9. My personal motto has always been that real life is boring, miserable, awful and just generally shit. Exploring into fiction has always been my escape- an escape from whatever the fuck went wrong with me and whatever harsh issues i had to deal with growing up. Im always surprised of the memes and stuff i laughed at as a kid were actually discriminatory and racist and whatever holes that fill me with such ignorance. Fractions, they could teach me math all the time, but they never taught me to be self-aware, all when they expected me to. I couldnt read the room. If 16 year olds are smart in political stances, then me as a 16 year old would be the equivalent of a ten year old putting glue on his hands without much care about our economic crisis. Im not saying these childlike qualities of mine were bad- but it came at these costs. I was completely air headed and reality came crashing to me like a truck and angry people expecting that I shouldve known better when I didnt and couldnt have before then.
10. Now im in my 20s. Im expected to know college, taxes and adult stuff. Im expected to be more social. To be more uncomfortable right away. Im in this fandom where every fucking step could be a minefield. Every fandom was. Nobody cares about where you come from right? People always default you as someone who had the same experiences at you until you start to tell them how fucked up your life is and suddenly oh wow things make sense- for how they act, think, respond, believe. The idea of me walking around with the label of "grooming victim" at all times to explain my behaviors is a disgusting and cruel idea.
"You shouldve known this because youre an adult" this. "You shouldve known better" that. The ability to understand people is dead if you will continue to assume every person who walks before you went through the same life experiences as you.
So now do you know a major reason why the rain world fandom and shipping container was so significant to me? It was my second ever fandom with a concious mind after having realized a majority of my teenage years were robbed from me, and realizing how fucked up it all was.
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S1 E43
Maximum Capacity
Okay so this entire episode just made me feel like....uncomfortable? Like the entire time I just kept feeling so off. Like my brain was going "okay this is way too weird, why do I feel like there's gonna be some horrifying plot twist?"
Then it fucking happened & I felt like a psychic. Like holy shit it wasn't just me, this episode was purposely uncomfortable on purpose & idk how the fuck they did that but WOW the entire episode made me feel so uneasy & it was legit for a reason.
Also ngl Amethyst....kinda just super fucked up to do that- Like I haven't LOVED Greg as a character so far (he's there but I mean him lying about his leg, good intentions or not, was a pretty shitty move & also he's just kinda not that great of a dad but I also understand that's literally the point so I'm not gonna just toss aside his character because I'm assuming he's supposed to get better as the show goes on. For now: I just kinda feel nothing strong towards him character wise), but oh my God this episode just made me feel so bad for the guy. Holy shit like this dude just misses his wife. Fuck. I'm surprised how much he kept his cool here. Like he didn't blow up at Amethyst or anything he was like super quick to forgive her despite the fact that he kinda would have been super justified in being upset for this. But I like that this was how it was done. No scene of them fighting or yelling, Amethyst just chooses to do something to make up for it without Greg having to lecture her. In that regard: it actually made her seem way more sincere. Like she had to make that choice via her own genuine remorse. I'm wording this badly I think but like I think that it made her seem like she really was trying to attone for it & that she really did regret what she did.
And honeslty after On The Run? With the knowledge that, knowing how severely fucked up Amethyst is mental health wise, yeah her lashing out at people like this? And saying/doing extremely shitty things because she's upset & she doesn't have the capacity to hold herself back & only realizes how badly she fucked up until its too late? Yeah as someone who has that kinda mental health shit as I said in my post about that episode?....yeah, that's pretty accurate tbh. In my experience that's something I can confirm does happen. So yeah it actually makes sense why she did something so extreme out of fucking nowhere.
I have said a lot of really regrettable shit to people that I'm friends with (Sometimes idk how I'm still friends with them after bc I still feel bad about it yet they seem to insist I'm forgiven) during times where I was really fucking upset. And it's only until RIGHT after it happens that I fully go "oh shit that was a really bad thing to say & I made the situation significantly worse" Yet just like irl, they forgive. *cries*
Really well done character focused episode. They did fucking stellar character writing here.
OH WHAT YOU THOUGHT I WASNT GONNA GO INSANE GOBLIN MODE ABOUT PEARL????? TOO BAD PEARL TIME
OH MY GOD SHES IN A SWEATER AND SHES DOING HER BEST YES PEARL YOUR VOLUME IS PERFECT YOURE DOING AMAZING AAAAAAAA SHES SO CUTE AND HUGGABLE LOOK AT HER SHES THE CHARACTER OF ALL TIME !!!!!!
#toasty steven universe watchthrough#steven universe#watchalong#su#cartoon network#currently watching#crystal gems#su pearl#amethyst#pearl steven universe#rebecca sugar#rose quartz#cartoon#garnet#pearl#amethyst su#amethyst steven universe#first time watch#first watch#no spoilers#mod toasty
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Maybe am just retarded but i will never understand the redditors who insist that nobody but the selected few intellectuals understand that The Boys is satire.
Throwing the words "media illiterate" left and right to justify a decline on the writing of the show bcuz of course they have to dumb it down and be even more explicit with their satire so ppl will stop thinking Homelander is cool!!! BCUZ HE IS BAD DONT U GET THAT HE IS BAD!! STOP LIKING HIM REEEE!!! They scream and seethe in the back.
As if the reason people like him is not because he is a cool villain and he is interesting and incredibly well acted.
Is there a % of ppl who refuse/miss the satire? Yeah but why does everybody else must suffer bcuz they wanna own a small % of their viewership? Or Homie fans?
To be honest i think most ppl who think Homelander is a "literally me fr fr" characther or think he is a hero probably only know him from memes (i always think of this one reddit post of a guy showing his dad the show and his dad being shocked that Homelander wasnt this silly sad guy getting put on situations bcuz of how he is portrayed in memes) i just dont think the writers realized that the pop culture portrayal of Homelander has cemented an image thats disconnected from the source material, which ppl have found relatable (not to mention most literally me guys tend to be violent fuckers so i dont think his violence is lost to ppl is just a meme lost on you) and they dont need to try to rectify the masses for wrong think.
Like nobody asked to suffer thru what i expect to be a painful viewing experience that will be non-stop trump references and parodies that will be violent beaten on the viewers bcuz they r angry that people had the audacity of liking this friendless loser with a great ass over other characthers (as if 99% of the characthers arent horrible fucking wankers except for the Gen V kids those r precious and i will defend them to death) not to mention how annoying it will be for the non americans like myself who are just so done with the cultural obsession over a dude not even in power anymore.
Like S1 and S2 were clever with their satire while it was always left leaning in their politics it was nice to see them at least take a jab at the champaigne libs and their attitudes that negatively affects their side (bare minimum really) but at least it felt like it had something to say.... mind u i absorb this show as a characther lead show and zone out the americanism bcuz it provides absolutely nothing for my latino/australian brain like its not relatable or interesting anymore. Like if they start parodying The Liberal and Labor party or the Greens that would be interesting to watch.
#personal#rant#the boys amazon#this blog is my diary#screaming to the void here#am.just here bcuz i wanna see ppl die or have their revenge#and yet HL is literally the mascot of the show i feel the writers r angry about amazon shilling for HL in order to sell subscription & merc
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genuinely curious what is the pit dad au is it a good dad william au because I lowkey adore those please ramble about it I love listening to your rambles (if you have the time of course)
OOH pretty much? its a "william is a bad dad but shit happens and he realizes it early enough to fix it, or at least try" au!! plus some other drama ofc
basically william gets springlocked waaaay earlier on than in canon. he has an accident, is alone, and henry finds him too late. while henry is trying to get his body out of the suit, he wakes up and is like oh shit i died.
but he came back and he is ecstatic about that. His plan worked! he's (by all normal standards) immortal! and henry cleans him up and hes springbonnie instead of springtrap. (and of they take wills uhm. corpse out. williams rlly disturbed by it tho. henry finds that funny and they hold a funeral for william and everything and hes just. what.)
except springbon is sentient. bc springbon is my faborite. so williams got a buddy in his head! and springbon can control her own body still if she wants to! and springbon is new to parenting but she reeeeaally loves these kids
will just wants to experiment more with his newfound body and abilities and everything he can do but. without a bodyy... he cant do much off the stage unless he has the ability to walk around off of it without being in suit mode. which comes with needing to charge. and while he would totally just hook himself up to a random plug in his roomm springbon had henry cover them all with the little child proof plugs and will cant get them off bc his robot fingers r too big so if he stays in his room too long, he'll pass out (or just. power down? since hes a robot?)
so he's forced to interact with his family.
but he really does find he enjoys time away from work and his kids are not actually horrible obnoxious idiots like he'd always thoguht of them as (as a mixture of not wanting kids in the first place and being bitter that his wife is dead) and he realizes wow. this isnt so bad. he also bonds a lot more with henry and vanessa (the latter of which was just. his employee. he didnt know her well before but she's fun and helps him with maintenance when henrys busy)
in this au, Michael is 11-12, elizabeth is 7, and evan is 6! so they r pretty young. Michael does have built up resentment towards his father bc of how neglectful and cold he was, and williams like wow! that was shitty of me! mostly bc he sees howspringbonnie interacts with his kids and it vaguely reminds him of his wife. and hes like okay! time to reconcile with my kids! and while evan and liz eventually r like yeah this is cool mike is not. hes very hesitant to trust his father and doesnt liek him!!! grrr!!!! but william really wants to try!!!! try he will dammit!!!
on top of that will DID make the funtimes with the intent of experimenting with remnant but pitdad will is a wuss! he didnt make them to kill kids. he just knew remnant involved death and they were made properly to contain it, but not collect it. so basically he made machines to harvest souls without the harvesting part and jsut the souls. those blueprints and that research is concerning enough on its own tho... lets just say he wasnt on a great path and likely would've done bad things like in canon if he'd been left to his own devices. curiosity mixed with grief is a bitch and so is william afton
but the funtimes ARE sentient, and they know what they were made to do. at least circus baby does and she goes and tells everyone and they decide "yeah this place sucks lets just merge together and find a skinsuit" and that skinsuit was MEANT to be william but he. yk. has no skin anymore. his oldest son must be the second best thing, right?
also also also the missing kids are in fact missing! for other reasons tho heheheh
extra note but because of how remnant works william is TERRIFIED of fire. hes scared it'll split his soul from springbonnie so he's rllyyyy scared of fire and stuff!!!
i think thats all? thats all i can think of i could probably answer more specific questions tho this is the gist!!!! im glad u love my sillyguys and rambles ueueue
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Hey, I have a question even though it's idiotic (also because I came back to the Undertale fandom thanks to underverse and it triggered my short circuit that I like the two of them together) but… why do you like xvials? I mean you have self proclaimed yourself CEO of that ship and unlike my experience of other fandoms (my misfortune/blessing ¿? I like weird ships xd) you don't act so….
obsessive and see a lot more perspectives that may border on canon and that actually intrigues me.
If there's history involved as to why you like it, let me be the old gossipy one and say, "yeah I totally agree xD".
no question about xvials is idiotic to me, even when its about my opinions and ideas towards it.
but oh, man okay. i had NO idea xvials existed when i was first into undertale, roughly 2015-2017, maybe even 2018. i didnt know who cross or xgaster was, and the first time i saw cross in passing fanart i thought he looked fucking STUPID. 😭😭😭 now, hes my fucking DUDE and i adore cross.
but i was first introduced to underverse late september 2022 bc of one of my longtime friend, and i watched xtale before i watched underverse, and that is whole heartedly what influenced the idea of ink and xgaster being together. i dont know if it would have been different if it was underverse that i watched first or not, but im just happy to say xtale turned me onto it.
like. you dont just see those two for the first time, interacting with each other, watching XGASTER HAND HIS SOUL TO INK and think. oh! theyre enemies. they hate each other. ink manipulated xgaster. NO!!!!!! you look at them and see some sort of platonic, romantic, qpr, aroace bond and go BONKERS.
the xtwins are gagging at how much theyre flirting. cross and papyrus think ink is their dad. like. theyre TOGETHER like how someones uncle/aunt wouldnt actually be related to you but is actually your parents best friend that stuck around forever.
im not sure what you mean by obsessive, because i AM obsessed with them. in private i talk about them at least once, every day !!! they are my everything. i honestly dont particularly care enough about the other aspects of underverse, and that might be considered "bad" in a way, but i honestly think the most IMPORTANT part of underverse IS ink and xgasters relationship.
jakei has said that she made xtale to be a place for ink. ink has influence over xgaster, and it's very VERY visible, especially when he tells ink not to do anything stupid.
and ink THEMSELF trusts and has influence from xgaster in this very moment TOO !!!!! he told cross that XGASTER WOULD BRING HIM BACK. WITH NO HESITATION HE TOLD HIM THAT XGASTER WOULD KEEP HIM SAFE. and what did xgaster do? he brought cross back.
the way i see xgaster is this man who would do anything for his family, who was once, just the xtwins and ink. he loved them so much he destroyed himself, broke himself down to give them something they would cherish and love for years to come, whether he died or not wasnt the question, it was the desire to give a perfect little life for them.
but it completely dissolved because he lost himself in trying to make something so perfect, so happy, so sad, so uniquely negative and positive that it just. crumbled between his fingers. he saw a future he wanted to attain and made it happen and lost the entire point along the way.
ink is an entirely different story. a person who had seen that a creator was going to kill himself and leave them with no one again. they hsd to save him. a last resort that turned into something beneficial to them. something that gave them a family, a home. a place that they could rest their head if they so desired. xtale was for them as much as it was for the xtwins.
the only problem was that they were oblivious to xgasters struggles. they wanted to encourage him to keep going, to try new things, unaware of the pain and heartache it caused the xtwins and everyone else in the timelines. they were so focused on the creator that they didnt even realize the very human and very much alive creations and people he toyed with.
i do think ink cares about xchara and xfrisk and cross (and xpapyrus?) but they themself was blinded by the desire to stay alive themself. to help a creator believe in himself so much that they would never feel alone and abandoned again.
the codependency is strong with these two but it can be fixed, managed. theyre just two dads trying to figure out their world for their kids only to fuck up so horrendously bad that it only leads to heart break.
i honestly dont know what jakei plans to do with xgaster and ink. i dont think she would kill xgaster off at all, but i do hope that maybe she will let ink try and stop him. give them a big ass fight where in the end ink just holds onto him as tight as they can because god damn it xgaster what are you fucking doing??????? hurting ink??? your kids??? everything around you just because you could???????????? youre lost. you need someone to help. you cant keep repressing all these emotions hoping they go away. you can't be like ink because the only way to be like ink is to tear your soul apart and DIE.
and here ive gone and gotten so carried away with this that its now so fucking long i will have to put a read more thing so i dont bug everyone 😭😭😭
i think. a lot of my views on xvials stems from my own personal issues (re: daddy issues), and just the fact that ink is my absolute fucking favourite character in the whole multiverse, and the ONLY place i actively see him used and utilized WITHOUT ERROR AT THEIR SIDE CONSTANTLY is underverse, even if hes not portrayed "good enough" for people. ive scrolled and scanned through every reaction that xgaster has to his enviornments, read so deeply into his dialogue that i say things with full confidence because thats just what i think is the truth and a lot of the times. im just. right. in my own head at the very least.
uhm. but yea. im sure this isn't quite what you asked but i just. i love talking about them. i love having people ask me about my scrunglies and i want people to know how important they are to me bc !!!!! look !!!!!! they have so much chemistry im so shocked that they are void of content.
i also want to say i dont hate error or errink either. i get bitter sometimes bc its more popular than xvials but i think error would actually like xgaster for several different reasons, and that theyre in a silly polycule in my imagination.
anyway enough talking, hope this was good enough for you :')
(from jakei's twitter)
#dinosaurzzz rambles#dino goes ill over xvials again#dino is losing his shit(?)#xvials#answered asks
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EPISODE 2 BAD BUDDY OS2 LETS GOOOOO im so freaking excited holy hell
i still cant believe that patpran and earthmix are going to INTERACT WITH EACH OTHER??? AND EXIST IN THE SAME SPACE???? HOLY HELLLLLL
wait hang on
will we get longtae?? pls give us longtae i need to see my boy
WAIT hang on how does this work. how do bad buddy and 1000stars exist in the same space if drake plays korn and also rang. i need to make some kind of murder board of the connections between shows holy hell
tut tut, phu, you need to take care of yourself for goodness sake
pran is too autistic for this, he doesnt know how to Social Situation and communicate what he was actually trying to say and now they think he wants to be a teacher
also im gonna slide past the phutian relationship problems bc i dont want to think about it. my dads are not getting a divorce, and thats final
hang on. there’s new kids now??? where the hell did they come from?
tian’s teacher frustration is so real
autism
HEY
LOOK AT THAT
ACTUAL REPRESENTATION OF SOME KIND
THATS AWESOME
I KNEW HE WASNT NEUROTYPICAL
FJEHSBGKVJREB
i know ocd is an anxiety disorder but there’s a lot of overlapping symptoms and apparently autistic people are more likely to experience ocd
and even if its just ocd, im still allowed to hc him as autistic
but either way HELL YEAH REPRESENTATION AND ITS CANONICAL AND ITS NOT JUST IN HIS HABITS ITS AN ACTUAL CANONICAL DIAGNOSIS GJERBDHBDRT
MY BOY!
(definitely didnt completely forget about him)
his gaydar is going off so much he can smell it (i made the screenshot too big and now phupha in the foreground is making me laugh so hard omg- i swear its the funniest thing ever. im probably tired. its 1:30am)
THE LOOKS PATPRAN GAVE EACH OTHER WHILE PHUTIAN WERE INTERACTING- THE GAYDARS THE GAYDARS
(yes, i know they already know about phutian bc of tian’s online diary thingy, but it still counts)
i wanna read this diary so bad but i cant read thai. and also idk where i would find it. its probably online somewhere. it might be a merch thing. who knows man
GEHRKDBGV THE FLASHBACKS WHILE HES READING
IM CRYING
“why would a good guy come to watch me take a shower?” THE LOOKS PATPRAN JUST GAVE EACH OTHER- OMG I LOVE THIS SO MUCH
THE LOOKS THROUGHOUT THIS WHOLE EXCHANGE
ITS SO FUNNY
I LOVE THIS
iconic
i love everything about this so so so much
the amount of joy that just this one image brings me? help
ive been wondering why they keep making those movies
wait hang on
guys i think we might actually be onto something
on another but related note: what do you guys spend 25 minutes doing at 2 in the morning when you should be sleeping? cos apparently i make beautiful atrocities like that.
anyway.
theyre like little kids, “he liked me first” “NO HE LIKED ME FIRST”
this is starting to sound very familiar
pran screaming at the waterfall reminds me of patpran screaming off the top of the hill at the beach
THEY ARE PLAYING IN THE WATERRRR I LOVE THEMMMMMM
“i think they kissed” “agreed” “they certainly did” “i agree” okay they didnt but they absolutely should have and we all wanted them to
they so in loveeee i love themmmmm
IM SCREAMING AS QUIETLY AS I POSSIBLY CAN, HOLY HELL THE FREAKING PARALLELS
hah, you bloody americans, they probably had to google what 18ºC is in fahrenheit, but i, a superior australian, know that that is... warmer than it has been recently. its currently 13º. its really weird, im not used to it getting this cold, even in winter, and winter only technically started two days ago. anyway, enough about abnormal australian weather, back to patpran
i love them so much
pat, i-
HELL YES
OISHIIIII
FINALLY
the kid demanding payment through sips of oishi tea? thats my kinda style
id adopt that kid if i had to.
i hate kids
but ice tea? it bonds people.
lucky kid
i rly like this karaoke idea, i was wondering how they were gonna incorporate the ost but i guess pat’s gonna sing it
P’AUUUU
I THOUGHT I RECOGNISED HIM IN THE BACKGROUND EARLIER AND I WAS RIGHT
HELLO P’AU HOW ARE YOU
“actually, my boyfriend and i also fought about who fell for the other first. but in the end, it isnt important. what matters more is that we love each other” AWWWWBHFGHBR
OH
ITS THE SONG
ITS THAT SONG
GEIURHGUKERJBGHJK
YAYYYY PHUTIAN ARE SNUGGLINGGGG
IM SMILING SO HARD ITS DIFFICULT TO SEE
i love him
THE SIGNATURE FISTBUMP RJDGBJR
i love them
NOOOOO THEY STILL HAVENT MADE UP, GOSH FREAKING DARNNIT
ooooo phu vs pat drinking challenge, this’ll be fun
i really like how the young ones are giving advice to the older ones for a change, its very nice. and also just goes to show how powerful patpran are
omg this kid is everywhere, i love him
the pure RELIEF when they both see that they are, in fact, wearing pants.
BRO THAT WAS STRESSFUL
PRAN NEARLY DIED
its so funny to me how intense the music is rn
OF FREAKING COURSE
well at least we know that means we’ll get more patpran next week, we dont have to say goodbye to them today
anyway that was wonderful, its 3am and i feel fine currently, cant wait to feel like a dead banana peel tomorrow, goodnight folks, see you next time!
#quodekash watches our skyy 2 despite desperately needing to sleep#our skyy 2#our skyy x bad buddy#our skyy x a tale of thousand stars#our skyy x bad buddy x a tale of thousand stars#os2#bad buddy series#bad buddy the series#atots#1000stars#a tale of thousand stars#patpran#ohmnanon#phutian#earthmix#ohm pawat#nanon korapat#earth pirapat#mix sahaphap
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RANDOM OC QUESTIONS REG( @bananacockatiel ) ASKED LIKE 2 YEARS AGO LETS GO.
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What does your oc smell like?
Mollie smells like leather/smoke, but also a little floral bc she uses scented soap.
Yasenia smells herbal and earthy. Ts yasenia smells the same but smellier bc shes in touchstarved
Ocs fave food?
Mollie likes bourbon chicken or anything adjacent over rice.
Yasenia likes pretty much any stew or curry with steak in it
what stereotypical clique would your oc fall into in highschool
Mollie would be a big gossip lol. But also in athletics so idk?? Jock ? Is that what this question means ?
Yasenia would be a nerd. But also very liked by the people around her bc shes sweet. Definitely was more introverted back then though
relationship experience?
Mollie has a lot of relationship experience. In terms of serious ones though ? Not a whole lot. Shes also like 43 though so LOL
Yasenia has a little relationship experience. She was left hurt a lot, so she tends to steer away from getting too close emotionally, especially ts yasenia
what's the favorite flower of your mc??
Mollie: magnolia/hydrangeas
Yasenia: forget-me-nots/blueberry blossoms
your oc's fave body part of theirs
Mollie: she really likes her back, gotta flex in the mirror before she gets in the shower LOL
Yasenia: she lovesss her tail so much(dnd) and ts yasenia really likes her hair. The whole curse thing has made it hard to think about parts of herself she actually likes
what is the meaning of your oc name? Or what is the reference/motivation behind their name?
Mollie: uh. The drug. The inspo was in fact molly bc i wanted her to be a kinda trashy possum lesbian. Which she is and i love her. Her character has changed a lot since then though
Yasenia: i made it up. Sorta. I wanted a name with a Y and i made her very quickly so i used a site and then changed some letters or something
what's their love language and why
Mollie: acts of service and physical touch !!! She loves to make things and do little things for people and she also is just really physically affectionate
Yasenia: honestly same as mollie. Ts yasenia is less touch oriented though for obvious reasons
Oc's relationship with family?
Mollie: bad. Her mom is dead, dad left, and little brother is kinda busy and withdrawn
Yasenia: good. parents are alive, no siblings, she loves them a lot but they have their troubles sometimes. She feels like they wont ever fully accept her curse(dnd) and yasenia feels like theyre rejecting a core part of her. She doesnt want a cure. Overall good though. Ts yasenia never met her parents so…
Who are the most important people (or person singular) to your oc?
Mollie: for a long time it was (LL) tari and mollie’s brother since he was her only remaining family but over time when he got his bearings and left, she kinda kept to herself. Then after tari cheated, it got worse. Then elowen came into the picture and its elowen final answer.
Yasenia: Her parents, (dnd)mentor, and (dnd) tari are the most important to her. For touchstarved though ? Shes on her own completely. Never met her parents and due to her curse she couldnt get close to anyone except the alchemist mentor who betrayed her.
If you met your oc irl would you get along?
If i met any of my ocs in person i would shit myself. But assuming i wasnt aware i made them and we were strangers, yeah totally. Theyre both social and compassionate people, not hard to get along with.
Oc's hobbies?
Mollie has a lot of hobbies ! She does leatherworking, blacksmithing, baking, some light woodwork, fitness stuff and weapons training,,, and being gay in taverns.
Yasenia is a magic user in both universes and mostly does that stuff. Her dnd magic is more faith and herbal based. Healing magic and whatnot mostly. Her alchemy stuff in touchstarved is different. She knows how to make and recognize poison but also little protection spells and such. Her mentor sucked
what's a lie that they tell the most?
Mollie’s is probably that she doesnt care. She tells it to herself more than anyone. Also that she didnt mean to do something she absolutely did on purpose.
Yasenia’s is hard. Shes very honest and vocal about everything. Cant lie easily at all. But her main one Is probably saying that shes not worried
specifically for the OCs with siblings, what's their sibling dynamic?
Mollie is the bully older sister who also protects her brother at all costs. Theres a 5 year gap between them so its a given
Yasenia has no siblings but in dnd she would play with the kids at the cave village thing. Her snow leopard thing made it fun. She had a very playful dynamic with the kids there and many of them see her as an older sister
favorite drink ?
Mollie likes ciders !! Like spiced apple and stuff. Preferably spiked
Yasenia likes teas of all kinds, she hasnt tried cider ^ but she would love it. Tea is her fav though
how are they with kids?
Both are good, neither really want kids though.
Can your oc cook? if so, what's their favorite dish to make?
Mollie can !! She likes to make soup and desserts bc theyre the most fun. Her fav food is still bourbon chicken though.
Yasenia cant cook. Like at all. She can mix potions and alchemical compounds and stuff with ease but you will never see someone fuck up an easy dish as well as her.
what is their best childhood memory?
Mollie: she used to catch frogs and play in the woods a lot as a kid before moving to porrima. Always covered in an insane amount of mud and leaves. She liked to try and make things out of sticks like lizard houses and swords and castles. Those were very happy days
Yasenia: she would run through the mountain valleys in her snow leopard form a lot as a kid. She would come home covered in bits of plant and burrs, smelling like wildflowers, she remembers that the most. She liked to catch bugs a lot too. Her parents remember the horror of yasenia coming home with a live cicada in her mouth.
#i wanna do a ship qna one next lol#mollie iverhelm#yasenia#ts yasenia#touchstarved#touchstarvedgame#touchstarved game#last legacy#fictif#last legacy fictif#fictif last legacy#last legacy oc#touchstarved oc#touchstarved mc#ask me about my ocs#ask me about mollie#ask me about yasenia#last legacy mollie#touchstarved yasenia
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Same anon as from before, first of all the tangets were wonderful and really nice to read so thank you <3 and second of all something i forgot to mention previously: TOMMY!!!! His whole "i don't think i want a girlfriend" was AMAZING and i really hope they come back to that at some point bc just,,,, watching them discover their identities and feelings just makes this so realistic and such an amazing read!! Also him just admitting to himself that yeah he finds Ranboo hot, 10/10 no notes <3
I'm going to go on a tangent now, sorry about that, but i think you do an amazing job of showing how complex aro relationships are and how much thought and consideration actually goes into them! I feel like sometimes aro relationships and/or QPRs are portrayed as,, sort of easy? Bc it's "friendship" or whatever? But like i've definitely spent time and thoughts on trying to figure out what i actually feel and what i want out of a relationship and even "what if this is actually romantic attraction" so it makes me feel so so so seen when those same themes are coming into play here! (No idea if you are planning on delving deeper into that but no matter what i'm really thankful for what we already got <3)
HI so so sorry for the delay in answering you will not BELIEVE the week i have had (actually you totally would work was just SO MUCH)
first of all YES absolutely coming back to that. tommy has always thought he needed to have a wife and kids one day as a way to like... prove himself better than his dad. like if he could be a good husband and father it would be proof that he was better than his dad and that he wasnt like... too "damaged" from his childhood. and realizing that he doesnt in fact want that is a really big thing for him that hes only now starting to deal with.and YEAH. let me. let me bring you back to one of my favorite winterlude lines (whjich. man im rereading that rn. because i forgot my own story. and bro how was i allowed to make them so god dam gay in that.)
"He pulled back, looking up at them. Their hair had fallen to almost entirely cover their face, so he tucked it back again, because he happened to think their face was quite nice. The gentle glow of the string lights illuminated Ranboo softly, and their smile had so much warmth and so much adoration, and Tommy wondered when he had fallen in love with them."
this man. is in love. its crazy.
secondly, THANK YOU!! honestly i just try to write things that feel real to me. i do a TON of research for things i dont experience, but as an aroace person and someone in a lot of aroace spaces online, i just write what i know. i DO absolutely want to delve into it more, because the relationships are such a major part of drdi and all relationships are gonna be complex. especially the trio like... theyve all got trauma and shitty relationships in their past, and on top of that they're in what is becoming a very serious, committed relationship. theres gonna be lots of feelings and complexities and stuff. theyre also not all aroace which means theres varying feelings going into the relationship which certainly isnt BAD but it adds more! the trio's relationship is just very unique as QPRs often are!!! i am very excited to keep delving into all of that its gonna be so fun!!!
but yeah!!! thank you so much for being so supportive!!!!! i really appreciate the ask(s)!!!!
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TNG UPDATE TIME. it's been ages. monday we did "a matter of time" (boo) and wednesday we did "new ground" (holy shit).
a matter of time: did you guys know the little guy here played pestilence on spn? his vibes were horrific. he was awful. i don't say that about the actor himself, who was obviously very good if he could get us to lean back from our screens like that, but i did NOT like that. not one bit. now every time i see him in spn gifs i get scared
anyway it's been awhile since we had such a huge dud and i did not miss it. everybody was extra stupid this episode to make the bad guy seem smart, My Least Favorite. he was also there ALL THE TIME instead of giving us a break from him which was also super awful
also he tried to kidnap data, though i love that he failed hilariously and also they made a new jersey joke
i predicted the twist of this episode - that he was from the past, not the future - about halfway through. so at least i get to feel accomplished about something.
i do like that deanna told him to fuck off. she's never mean to anybody but he REALLY deserved it
new ground: I LOVE WORF................
i'm soooo mad at people in the star trek calling worf a deadbeat dad. idk if he does something shitty later but i totally understood the ethical dilemma in this ep maybe even perhaps better than the writers wanted me to bc the thing is like. sorry
CHILDREN
SHOULD
NOT
BE
ON
STARSHIPS
sorry to families with children. sorry to single mothers and actually to women everywhere. sorry even to wesley crusher, my perfect precious baby boy, who i will defend with my life. they SHOULD NOT BE ON STARSHIPS.
like, ok. let's get into it. i did think it was wack that worf initially sent alexander to his human parents...but that's because he wanted his son to have access to klingon society, which was something he himself DID NOT HAVE and COULD NOT GIVE ALEXANDER had anyone known alexander was worf's son. it was TOTALLY REASONABLE for worf to be thrown headfirst into parenthood and be smart enough to say, not only am i incapable of raising a child at this juncture in my life, i am incapable of connecting him to his culture, WHICH
WAS ALSO DENIED TO HIM. BY HIS MOTHER!!! LET'S NOT FORGET HIS MOM HATED KLINGONS like ik the writers forgot but EYE DIDN'T!!!!!!!!!
alexander's mother was a half-klingon woman who HATED KLINGONS. she at MULTIPLE POINTS made racist remarks about them and self-disparaging remarks about her own klingon heritage. she even gave alexander, despite being "more" klingon than human dna-wise, a HUMAN NAME. obviously the tng writing room wasnt going yeah ofc worf wants him to have access to klingon culture after all that but OFC HE DOES
which makes it wack to me that he sent alexander off to live with his parents and not his brother. NO ONE KNOWS kurn is worf's brother. he could have raised alexander on the klingon homeworld as his own, or even as his nephew, and no one would ever have known he was connected to worf. whereas sending alexander to live with the humans who raised worf is a huge indicator that he is worf's child
one might say, well he thinks klingon schools would be too harsh for this kid who was essentially raised as a human. this is a legitimate and valid concern he has in the episode as well. worf would not be as harsh as the klingon schools but he WOULD give alexander access to his klingon heritage. so that's the happy medium! as a side bonus we also don't give alexander EVEN MORE abandonment issues. the problem is,
CHILDREN SHOULDN'T BE ON A STARSHIP. we see in this very episode why they shouldn't be on a starship. "oh the saucer can separate whenever to protect the kiddos" SPACE IS DANGEROUS. they never have the budget or the time to separate the saucer. they just take all those little guys into horrible experiments whenever. i could almost understand if it was like, a spaceship that just delivered freight or something but it's an EXPLORATORY SHIP its SOLE PURPOSE is to head into unknown dangers. DON'T TAKE CHILDREN.
meanwhile worf is late to work meetings and gets commed twice about his kid while he's trying to explain himself to picard like...now you've got to consider the fact that people on the enterprise live at their workplace. they are basically on call 24/7. like if a space disaster strikes it is not gonna wait until you are through with your weekend relaxation or are finished putting your kid to bed. you CAN'T be on a starship and raise your child at the same time because as a parent you have to put your child first always and as a starship officer where EVERYONE COULD DIE AT ANY TIME you have to put the ship first always and TWO THINGS can't BOTH be first priority
like, worf is literally doing the best he can. maybe he should have sent alexander to live with his brother when he was still a little squirt but it may be too late for that now. there are quite literally no good options here to this moral dilemma of "where does my baby belong" which is actually so good because worf ALSO doesn't have a place he totally belongs. they both have a foot in each world. i bet it would be really good if it wasn't on tng
ANYWAY. sorry. there's a post in the george kirk tag about star trek fathers that disses worf and it makes me see red every time. wow! TONIGHT: "hero worship" (forboding title i hate tng episodes with kids) and "violations" (equally forboding title but here's hoping it just means we'll be playing riker roulette).
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i understand that everyone has different life experiences and reacts to everything differently. some things that are easy for me are hard for other people, and vice versa. like, my periods arent really bad at all, but when i see other people having really bad cramps, im not like "periods arent even that painful!! just get over it!!" my adhd was very disabling, but my autism was pretty manageable (until the pandemic anyway), but other people find their adhd to be just a personality quirk, and other people find their autism incredibly disabling.
..........but there is ONE thing that i really struggle to internalize that other people have different experiences and reactions to, and thats their parents divorce LMAO. my parents got divorced when i was 5 and i lowkey forget they were ever married. it effected me not at all. literally couldnt care any less. my dad got married again and i had no strong feelings about it. and i still dont!!!!
so when people are like "oh i am dissatisfied in my relationship but i dont wanna get divorced because that will be bad for my kids :'(" im like. your kids wont care tho. nobody cares about this. its not actually a big deal.
BUT THEN sometimes i meet people who are like "yeah my parents got divorced and it really fucked me up :(((" even when there wasnt abuse or parental alienation or nasty custody battles or kidnapping or anything going on. like their parents got divorced and theyre still devastated by the mere fact that their mom and dad dont love each other anymore??? and thats always wild to me.
i know thats what everyone assumes will happen when parents get divorced but every time it does im like "what?????????????? that was real???????????? i thought you guys were joking"
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literally me just putting my own experiences on the kaibas but irl, i use the "dead dad" card quite often as a joke & also to get out of uncomfortable situations (the worst explanation ever im so sorry) but i imagine mokuba & seto do the same with "yeah i mean child abuse go crazy/orphan lol/i killed my dad" LMAO
imagining a situation b4 the noah arc like
*kaiba says something mean*
joey: what is wrong with u, did ur parents not love u as a child or something?
seto: yeah i mean being an orphan wasnt exactly a rainbowfilled childhood
joey, filled with horror & regret: yo my bad
#for the record i dont think joey does it to antagonize#its just one of those comebacks ppl use so much#and i think as much as kaiba hates oversharing#he LOVES revelling in other ppls uncomfortableness more#ygoau.txt#yugioh#ygo#seto kaiba
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i saw you were opening this up!! i have a lot to say-
first of all, thank you for this blog. it's literally helped me so much in figuring out what abuse is like and helped me realize the kind of household i really live in.
my whole life i thought i was exaggerating or making shit up , that my experiences werent valid or crazy enough to be considered abuse. i literally forgot so many events in my life because i repressed them and because of that i feel like i cant explain my situation that well.
my parents and brother are incredibly homophobic and transphobic, theyre super fucking toxic to me and its horrible. when i was younger and was having a hard time in school because of a group of bullies, i called them to pick me up and when i explained what happened they told me it wasnt that big of a deal and it wasnt something to cry to them about.
when i was in seventh grade i had a panic attack at this church thing my mom was going to, and she took me outside while i was trying to calm down. i repeatedly told her "im sorry" for dragging her out and wasting her time, and she looked at me frustrated and said "you should be."
when i was questioning my sexuality they told me it was the devil lying to me and putting things in my head. they brought me to several pastors and churches so i could talk to leaders about it and they all told me that it was sinful and against god.
i came out as nonbinary last year, and my brother found out because he looked through my things, and then outed me to both my parents after i told him to not say anything. they said they refused to send me to any kind of therapist that wasnt a biblical one or a pastor and that im only looking for people who tell me what i want to hear.
my dad placed 30 minutes of screen time for tiktok, discord, and snapchat. he once brought me to a restaurant because he said he wanted to hang out, but when i got there he pulled out literal charts of bar graphs depicting how much time i spent on each app. then he told me he was going to either take away all my social media and online friends, or he was going to interrogate them. and i had to choose.
once in a family therapy session my mom said she would rather kill herself than let me join an lgbt support group. another time my brother came to my room and told me my mom was suicidal and that it was my fault. he said, "you think you have problems? you think youre depressed? mom is literally suicidal because of this whole thing with you. this is a wake up call. grow up."
another time, he (my brother) told me that i was a woman, that i couldnt change that, that its what it said on my birth certificate and no matter how much i called myself nonbinary it wouldnt change that im a woman.
recently, i talked to my mother about getting a new therapist. she gave me the phone number to one she found. and it was a conversion therapist. she was about to send me through a conversion program. this was a few days ago.
my parents constantly tell me that what they do is because they love me and want whats best for me and i constantly make a problem because i dont appreciate them or i get mad at them or i dont talk to them or i push them away. and it makes me feel like its my fault.
again, thank you so much for your blog. its helped me ground myself so much. keep doing what youre doing- seriously its amazing. <33
Yeah, all of us think we're exaggerating and making stuff up, it's incredibly sad we all get to not just get hurt, but constantly second-guess ourselves about it. Repressing and forgetting events is also extremely common too, it's out only means of defense against a too-painful reality.
I'm so sorry you had to deal with homophobia and transphobia at such a young age, and from your family members as well, it's devastating. You should have gotten support from your family members when you were bullied, being picked on and hurt by your peers is enough bad, without anyone acting like it's a no big deal.
It's so painful you were apologizing for having a panic attack, even in the worst pain you still had to think about what others might think and whethere you're an invonvenience. It's hateful they tried to stop you questioning your sexuality, you if anyone have the sole right to figure it out for yourself. Even to involve religious authority to shame you, that's sick! I hate every single pastor who had the fucking nerve to tell to a child their sexuality is sinful or against god, sexuality is something so natural and positive and you should have been celebrated.
It's incredibly hateful to expose you to religious abuse just because they found out, against your consent, that you're non-binary. They used religion as a threat against you, and as a way to control who you are, and are not allowed to be, and this is a crime. Your choice has been taken away and given into the hands of people who only had control and force in mind.
Your social media time is your own business, I can't imagine anyone punishing a grownup for something like that, the entire world is on the social media without any self control! You've done nothing wrong.
Your mother is awful. Die rather than for her child to have a healthy support. I'm so sorry you had to hear something so hateful, from your own parent. You didn't deserve that. It's not your fault. You can't control your sexuality, you can't control people's hatred. I wish you had more support during this. Nobody is allowed to blame you for hatred that's directed at you.
I'm so sorry that your family members refuse to accept your identity, and that they would do something so horrifying as conversion to you. That is not only dangerous but deadly, and it has never been done out of love. I hope you never get sent to a conversion program, because that is devastating and dangerous, I want you to stay safe, to receive love and support for who you are.
I hope in the future, you will meet people who will find you natural and delightful just as you are, who will share the same mindset and approve of every bit of who you are. You deserve so much support in dealing with this. I'm with you, and I bet a lot of people can relate to this and want to offer you community.
#abuse#ask#furiousgoldfish#homophobia#transphobia#emotional abuse#guilt tripping#victim blaming#religious abuse#intolerance of sexuality#intolerance of identity#spiritual abuse#shaming#guiltig
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i have a really hard time grappling with like. hmm. idk. im bad at talking to people, and communicating, and staying in touch, and this is a problem that ive had for as long as i can remember.
i moved a lot when i was a kid, and was generally just bad at making friends to begin with, so i didnt really maintain relationships at all past maybe a few months. the first time i kept in touch with a friend who i was no longer going to school with was the summer between fifth and sixth grade, when i moved back in with my biological father. my friend katie and i would talk on the phone every couple weeks and i recall really struggling with that. i never had anything to say, so i always just kind of hoped she would talk the whole time. eventually we did stop talking altogether and i feel like thats almost entirely on me. i remember my dad complaining as well about how little i talked on the phone when he wasnt able to see us.
i really dont understand how other people do it! its hard to decide if theres something wrong with me or if this is a behavior that i have that i could condition myself out of with enough work or what.
there was a period of time when i was trying really really really hard to keep in touch with my adopted parents on a regular basis, but even when i did call and talk to them and i didnt have anything to say. how do people ever know what to say? where do the words come from? and it felt so bad to call someone and just yeah uh huh the whole time that i stopped doing it. and text doesnt make it any better! anyone who has ever tried to be friends with me for more than 2 minutes knows that sometimes i just fucking. cant talk. ive got nothing. and its so frustrating to have nothing to say to someone that you actually like and want to talk to. is my brain broken? am i stupid? am i just an asshole?
but its so hard to pick apart, and i can never tell if its a normal thing or not. idk how to fix it. i feel like it is perhaps my single greatest flaw, but im not sure im in a position to make that call accurately. its certainly the thing that has historically pissed people off the most about me.
any its not even something that i can wrap my head around enough to change! like, that image thats like "i wish i wasnt like this" "then dont be" "it isnt that simple" "it really, really is" like i cannot even conceptualize the alternative - i dont understand what is so different about me? what do people say to each other? how do they talk? is everyone else having an entirely different experience of life behind my back somehow? i dont get it! where do the words come from! why are mine different from everyone elses!!!! like what does it even mean to be good at talking? what does it mean to have a conversation? i just *dont get it* and its so fucking infuriating like. why is the shape of this so hard to define. what could possibly be making this so difficult. what the fuck.
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very possible i made this up but i think you talked a while ago about pete alluding to some kind of trauma and i was wondering what you were referring to?
yeah hes alluded to it before
he alluded to a PTSD diagnosis in a journal entry from 2006.
Saturday, January 14th, 2006 4:14 pm
"noones ever been this good for this long" this is everything i am thinking right now with out transition. i apologize for my brains lack of linear thought processing: i hate the way it gets dark so early here this time of year. i guess "seasonal depression" kind of falls under "ADD" and "post tramatic whatever disorder" for me. i feel like its science from the madhatter down the rabbit hole. not too real. but lately i just wake up blue — my only thought is— how soon will the day be over so i can get back into bed. i open my eyes just a tiny bit and blur the numbers on the clock with my eyelashes....."
their 2007 rolling stone story touched on and alluded to trauma as well
Wentz, the child of a law-school professor dad and a private-school admissions-dean mom, had always presented his childhood as idyllic and uneventful. When pressed, he touches on a couple of traumatic events......
first, it lists a "trivial" one-- his parents separating and quotes him on saying, "I don’t really think of myself in terms of really having a fucked-up childhood – everyone I know had a more fucked-up one.”
Wentz, who’s wearing a brown-and-black vintage hoodie and untapered, regular-guy Diesel jeans, nervously slides the battery cover of the TV remote control and moves on to a later trauma: “When I was fourteen, I got sent to boot camp,” he says, gazing at the ceiling. He had been skipping school regularly in his freshman year, and a guidance counselor persuaded his parents to send him to a tough-love, scared-straight sleep-away program. For eight long weeks. “It was terrible,” Wentz says softly. “Every kid there was so much more fucked up than me – demented, satanic kids. I got beat up a couple of times. I’d call my parents every day, crying and saying I wanted to come home. I would beg. I felt isolated. It created these dependency and attachment issues.”
And then you ended up living at home . . . Wentz nods. “Until age twenty-seven. Yeah. Even now I need maternal people in my life more than anything,” he says. He traces many of his emotional problems – and his artistic drive – back to the boot-camp experience. “That was the point I stopped talking to anybody. I really haven’t since then. I don’t talk to people about my emotions – it’s not pleasant to be in a relationship with someone who’s robotic like that. And if I don’t get the emotions out somehow, whether it’s punching things or writing, I would probably explode.”
he talks about it again on howard stern "I went to this bootcamp for awhile which wasn't a whole lot of fun in Wolfsborough, New Hampshire. I was recommended to go there by a therapist and it was pretty much hell on earth, it was the worst thing. I was a goofy kid, who was kind of weird, but I was there with these kids like Michael Meyers from Halloween....[My parents] thought it would get on schedule and get me figured out and all it did was make me angrier at them.... I probably was the problem, honestly.... I think that I have a strange brain chemistry...."
petes dad also went on a podcast and it was briefly touched on it, he basically just said he and petes mom seriously regretted sending him and they regretted not really listening to him saying he needed to come home.
pete told this story about how he took acid and mdma at the same time when he was 13-14, which may have predated the camp, which he said was 14-15, and also said he had bars on his windows by age 13, so i think it is obvious he had like something not great going on upstairs even before the camp. he has also said he wasnt that bad of a kid and was never into drugs and it was just skipping school and smoking cigarettes and graffiti. he is like A Teller Of Tales so who knows when he is stretching the truth to make himself sound slightly more badass or normie when the situation suits him.
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