So, for all the time that I've listened to Sleep Token (been a hot minute now, jeeze) there have been three songs that I have avoided like the plague; Atlantic, Fall for Me and Missing Limbs. I haven't been avoiding them because they're bad, not at all, but because the first time I listened to them, they brought out a Hell of a lot for me. Never in my life had I had a song, let alone three, do that to me, so, I avoided them. Distraction and WTBB cause me enough pain, and these three inch out of the boundary for songs that just push me over the edge.

Even when I did my massive SFX post, I kind of zoned out when I listened to them, mainly focusing on little sounds rather than lyrics and breakdowns. In a weird way I dreaded listening to them again just because. Plus, one of my first ST posts on here is a clip of Fall for Me, which I heard, had to sit down for a minute at, posted it, and refused to look at again (bear with me here I know I'm sounding disastrously dramatic and overly sensitive).

So, today, I decided to take a little re-listen. And Christ Almighty I need a minute. Atlantic had my lying down on my floor having to take a moment, Fall for Me took me right back to one of my first relationships and Missing Limbs had me contemplating how I've loved and been loved. What the fuck man. You all will definitely be getting a little lyric analysis soon, but, here are some of my favourites so far;

- "Eyes like frozen planets, just orbiting the vacuum I am"

- "Flood me like Atlantic, weather me to nothing"

- "Echoing futures are the buckling sutures, that hold shut the wounds of the past"

- "Slowly I remember why I cannot pretend, that I never think of you and all this screaming silence; oh God I wish you were here"

- "The outer rounds of heaven don't keep up on the charm offensive anymore"

- "To swallow my desire and choke on it"

- "The blessings rain on battles in the heaven's arms"

- "I live like I've got missing limbs for you"

Like. Pen game is on POINT.

Past, Present, and Future

Summary: Being married to the Doctor has many perks as well the downfalls and the confusing paradoxical moments. Hurt though, emotional hurt, wasn’t something that came often. However there you all were. All four of you. A past, present, and future.

WC: 1880k

Pairing: 10th doctor x reader, 11th doctor x reader, River

Warnings/Tags: ANGST, mentions of cheating(?) maybe, not really.

A/N:  So I might make this into a multi chapter fic, but I’m not sure. Also! I’ve decided I’m going to make a subpages for my Supernarual fics as this is primarily turning into a DW blog Also! I came up with this fic from a dream I had 😂

Part two possibly?

Also, if you enjoy my content consider buying me a ko-fi to support this broke college student  >  Here!

“ I don’t want to go-“ A brilliant explosion of light filled the room breaking items in its wake. The TARDIS crying in pain as she lost control and begun falling through the sky. Crying in pain alongside the Doctor who clutched his head in agony.

Then, he changed. The Doctor had changed. Every bit of him totally different. New face. New voice. New attitudes. Your future husband, then secret boyfriend, glanced up to you as he sat on his knees and hair flattened to his head. Eyes full of sorrow and longing. Regret. He changed on you, however, you knew it was coming. You didn’t expect it to be so soon.

He changed into the man you had grown to love, although pain stuck within you as you had to grow to trust him again. The man you would marry. However, currently he sat as the man you had fallen for so helplessly yet he knew nothing of this as the relationship had to be secretive.

—

It had been twelve years after crash landing in the back of Amelia Pond’s garden resulting in the demise of the shed. Little Amelia had grown into the feisty redhead who, currently harassing Rory and fondling his hair, begun to travel with you and your now husband. The road to this hadn’t been easy. Being married to the Doctor had many perks as well the downfalls and the confusing paradoxical moments. The icon trio always managed some sort of trouble that would result you, the so called ‘motherly figure’ to swoop in and save their asses.

Amy and Rory had destroyed your concept of a complete linear timeline, well, a somewhat straight timeline that is. Time was never linear. Never occurring in the exact spots and always changing to accommodate changes. Although, when Mel turned into River a wave of hurt blew through you in remembrance of th library and what could come in future’s time.

Another woman would come and shake things up with your own timeline with the Doctor in ways you would never expect. Nothing hurt you more than the night you found out he would marry River in the future, and they indeed loved each other. You may or may not have snooped in her diary some..and hell did it hurt. You found out about all the secrets, all the lies, the future they had together; and the moments that the Doctor hid from you. However, the reality did not strike fully until the notes started coming true in front of your eyes. Curiosity has certainly killed the cat.

One thing that rung clear through all her tear stained letters is that she was perusing him, not the other ways around. While it did put some hope into you, it still hurt knowing he was feeding into it and you, his wife, had to watch the play act itself out as his future would be to marry another. Even if it was ‘beneficial’ and ‘save the integrity of human life as it is’ it was a cheap shot to the self esteem. Her written words burned your eyes and heart. You had written down the bolder dates within her book to keep a record for yourself and today was the Pandorica and also the day the Doctor reboot the universe for a Big Bang Two.

Then it happened. Everything went white as the Doctor’s screams sounded. The pure agony within his screams. The unfiltered, raw screams that tore your heart completely in two and made you forget all about the hurt you were feeling that he knew nothing of. Knowing his own future would make him go out of his way to purposely change it and quite possibly muck things up in the process. Although, he did have such a soft spot for the curly haired, curvy woman already. The white light got brighter and brighter before you felt like you were being completely obliterated.

Your own screams were the last thing you heard before blackness and slumber overtook you.

—

You woke to the feel of cold metal on your skin and puffs of steam hitting the back of your legs, thus resulting in rather uncomfortable wet denim patches rubbing against your skin. A large shadow stood hovering over you quite yet calculating as you raised yourself in to proper elbows trying to focus your eyes. That was until they locked onto a pair of cream converse standing right ahead of you. Those shoes, sand shoes, were the most recognizable clothing item in space and time - well, in your opinion anyway. The Doctor would beg to differ. Part of you wanted to close your eyes and beg for this to be a dream, while another wished to never go back. This was before all the pain and future knowledge.

“ What?” He asked as you stood, eyes blown wide open now at the realization it was you, “ What? What? I don’t quite understand...what?” He pulled away slightly and threaded a hand through his hair, “ You’re not wearing a vortex manipulator, I know for a fact I have implanted that cheap time travel is dangerous. I just dropped you off at home and you managed to pop back in? Was this Jack?” The man rambled on in confusion, meanwhile you sat in the captain’s chair amused yet annoyed at the daft alien.

“ Okay, long story short for you. First, I’m from your future and your future self reset time itself thus some cosmic mistake to cause me to be thrown into my past and disrupt my timeline.” This caused the man to raise a brow before you raised a long finger, however, his eyes caught a glance at the shiny ring placed upon it. You slowly covered your hands with your sleeves and gave him a slight smirk, “ No you can’t know.”

“ Is he at least good to you, your husband?” This question caused pain in your heart, especially at the saddened look in his eyes. You remembered this. He had dropped you off at home after a rather heated argument about what the two of you were -- things were said and feeling were hurt.

--

“ Y/N, please come back!” The Doctor’s words echoed within your ears as you went towards the doors with backpack already in tow. You wanted more than stolen kisses and in secret sweet nothings, you wanted more than him having doge around Rose to protect her feelings that she had towards him.

“ It’s either me or her, Doctor. I don’t want to do this to you - I really, truly don’t. But I can’t sit here and watch this. It just gets hard, always being someone’s second choice. I’ll be back, I just need to..calm down.”

--

“ Yes he is,” You smiled and looked up to the man and waved your head to dismiss his quizzing look, “ No details. You’ve taught me well enough.” You stood and circled around the console nervously with sweaty hands rubbing together. 

“ We do need to get me back to the right timeline though, if I remember right I’ll be back by morning-” You glanced to the computer screen and grimaced,“ Eight hours.”

The Doctor grabbed your had and gave it a soft squeeze his, a very comforting squeeze that caused tears to well in your eyes. He shook his head and made you stop in your wake, “ Whatever you tell me now must have been a part of my future self’s memories, correct? Y/N, tell me..what did your husband do? Why are you crying? And where am I?”

The Doctor sat with his head buried in his hands after the somewhat in depth explanation utterly baffled. How could he be so..dumb? Act so human? He went through the information once more through his head attempting to find somewhere to fix this. He still with you in his future, but he has another woman he’s destined to marry; You left out the bit that you had stolen from her journal. You knew future events before they even had, they being himself.

“ Right! Here’s what we’re going to do-” The man jumped to his feet and begun to fiddle with the switches and type in the year you were supposedly supposed to be in your time. 

-

Present time: 1:40pm, Location, The Tarids. After the reboot things quickly got back on track and to the best field of normalcy as it could for the Ponds, however, the Doctor had hauled himself underneath the TARDIS floors in his swing. She never really needed a fixing, however, the old gal took the tinkering with the occasional groan in means to let the Doctor self sooth. 

After the reboot everything had fallen back into it’s place once again with the Doctor traveling with Amy and Rory. River also being on board currently..but you were missing. It had been a few months since the reboot occurred, and he hardly slept or ate. He had become withdrawn in an attempt of searching for you that he had become blind sided about River’s intentions. She kept pushing herself in between the two of you.

“ She’s kot here anymore, sweetie. We’ve tried. Let me help you-“ Her words swirled in his head and caused him to grit his teeth. How could she be so cunning? So cruel? He never thought she could act in such a way. Surely she was flirty, but that was her nature and attitudes. The man dropped this tools to the grated floor, groaned, and placed a greasy hand over his eyes.

How could he have been so blind to you? He had noticed the signs, noticed your uncomfortable nature around the woman before the reboot occurred. He had passed it off as stress. A loud siren started blaring throughout the console room and the lights flashed red as the console was becoming compromised.

“ No, No, No! What now? What could be so bloody important to need me?” The man slipped from the swing and marched up the stairway, sliding past a River who bound down from her bedroom to see what had occurred.

“ What’s going on, Doctor? I tried to stop the signals from whatever is pulling us-“ He cut her short as he attempted to wriggle past her and get to the screens, not saying a word.

Even the emergency systems set in place were compromised. Whatever or whoever had full control over the TARDIS he couldn’t figure out.

“ There is nothing we can do, River. If I attempt to reroute is we would get thrown off course and quite possibly cause a rift-“ He gestured with his hands by holding them closed then slowly opening them, “ A rift would either swallow us all into a pocket universe or cause more timeline issues..however, it’s hard to tell. Let’s hope that doesn’t happen either way.”

The man stopped in his tracks and looked towards her with a pale face, “ The only way this may be possible is if I crossed my own timeline. I would never—“ He stopped point blank and let out a small laugh that soon escalated into a rather sad, hysterical one.

“ I remember this. This is the day I get Y/N back.”

22, 23 aaand there‘s no number for least favourite master (i know, shouldn‘t be possible) but if I could add that question? :P (I‘m also drunk so... yey? :) )

Oh dear.... :S

22. My least favourite Doctor is Eleven. I'm one of these people who hate Moffat's character writing. He felt very estranged to me and I lost my connection to the character, so yeah, gotta go for Matt here.

23. Amy and River for the same reason. Also Mel, because I never managed to get a connection to her, she just felt kinda dumped on me with no proper work done to properly introduce her further after.

Least favourite Master? Aw, come on. It's tough, here's why:

- I hate Missy's character writing: In my opinion, she didn't get a redemption arch, more of a co-dependant relationship with someone not bothered to put in the work, until she was so desperate to please him, she started to attempt to change for him, but didn't actually redeem. She wanted to to stand with him, yeah, he wanted her friend back, but that wasn't redemption for me.... But I love Michelle's portrayal, especially of early Missy, it's BRILLIANT, and I'm in love with her, so it's tricky.

- I used to hate Robert's Master because that whole movie is just..... it's so bad..... but Big Finish did GOOD by him and I honestly love Eric Roberts (like, as a person) today and I've grown very fond of that trashy little movie

- It's probably Simm. And I met John Simm twice, I adore him, I went to his Macbeth play and all, I ADORE him AND his Master. Just a little less than the others. But his writing is inconsistent.... ? And sexist? And just generally so different from all other Masters we know while future Masters adapted a bit of his craziness and f u n, he still feels like the basis of the Master we know now, like Delgado felt for Classic Who, so...........

- Peter Pratt? Because we got Beevers for Big Finish and that man is doing AMAZING, I think I have the least connection to him, so I'll totally pick him. There. That's probably more paragraphs than anyone expected.

It's important to point out. I love every Master. A lot. This is rambling with HIGH standards.

Who are your crushes in the hp community?

Alright I did a greater version of this last tuesday so imma just tag my absolute main hoes (but like in a cute way or something) crushes. 

MA WIVESSS @stjernfaerie and @moony-luna my absolute wonders. Never have I met sweeter more supportive people than in this community and these 2 are the prime example. In such a short time they have come some of the most important people in my life. I am gonna be honest I am not very okay mentally as of these past weeks but I am getting emotional thinking about them just now so yeah.

My enemy wife @michael-the-angelo. I love this human. A lot. Even if our relationship will end with one of us killng the other it will have been beautiful none the less. They are such a geniune and funny person. Also a clumsy mess  but I am not supposed to know that.

I don’t have a proper nickname for her but @nikapuff. I don’t even know what to say about her. I’ve know for so shortly but it feels like she’s been with me my whole life. I feel incredibly close to her. She is truly amazing and so talented. She for some reason find my rambly snaps absolutely brilliant and if that ain’t true love i am not interested in true love.

@scamandergenes I do not have romantic crush on you in the slightest but I have turned this post into an excuse to just talk about just a few of the very good people in my life and I can’t do that without bringing you into it. Jo I love you. Never have I talked to a more compassionate person than you. You have just selflessly given me a space to be so fucking vulnerable and i will be forever grateful for that. I am actually crying now. Great. I am gonna stop even tho I have much more to say because I truly don not have time to cry about how much care for you right now.

I have acquired a wife-to-be yesterday. Their name is becka and they most defintely are the one. I can feel it my fingers. and my toes. I am crying to make these shorter because it’s almost been an hour since i started writing this. @softsiriusblack you’re incredible. I am so happy I made you cry. here’s to a continuing wondeful friendship and to-be-marriage.

My mistress @itskitsworld. what is there to say that I haven’t said before? I love you! I would commit just about any crime for you. You’ve seen my tags when I am angry at awful anons. Hopefully you understand how much I love you.

And lastly I am legally obliged to say @tossermalfoy for a few differences. 1) They have been flirting me since we first started talking and I am weak. 2) If i didn’t mention mel not only would I know I’d be lying but so would say and probably most other people who has ever heard me talk about mel. 3) They made me tear up when i started writing this post being being absolutely adorable and it would just be wrong not to.

Fuck me this is long and I still just wanna tag a small group so bear with me.

The people from the hangout earlier today. I am talking about you @tired-lupin @honeysuze @chaser-not-a-seeker(go to bed!) @confunded-gryffindor @mymischiefisnevermanaged( I feel like there was one more and feel awful for not remembering. If you are that someone I am so sorry. It’s not you it’s my frightfully bad memory)

Y’all are so wonderful and quite honestly brigtened up my day. Hopefully I’ll get to talk to all of you kind souls more at some point.

Okay now i’m done!

1

Dear MG, At this point i have no idea what i’m doing. The last 2 months (Jesus) has seen me nearly losing everything in my life, stuff that i’ve chosen and stuff that i haven’t. I guess it’s just like a ridiculous spring cleaning. It just happened that i found myself back the the same house i first met you at, a year or so later. Probably more than that, actually. It was a different and strange time, and then too i was semi out of control so i guess it all makes sense for me to return and to even text your number. Just to see. Our conversations have been brief and really it’s impossible to go back to the set up we had at the time so i guess it’s best. I made up with some other people in my life recently as well so it’s maybe just a part of that.  My sister told me yesterday that “You can’t hold grudges, it’ll just make you old and bitter” but part of me thinks that has already happened. I never held any resentment towards you though, only maybe that we could of met in a different time and place and situation and maybe not have to speak in hush tones and scandalous emails. Let me tell you some things i’ve learned, that are mostly shit you see on motivational posters but are largely true. (A) Don’t sell your soul for $$$, especially when your own morals and identity are on the line. (B) Don’t settle for love because you don’t have any. (C) If you feel like something is killing you, it probably is. Anyways, i’m tired and i hurt and i’m paranoid. I don’t really know who to trust anymore, minus my mother and my insane grandmother. My father is insane but has provided me with shelter for a bit now. It’s funny, weeks ago i was defending myself from being accused of having a double life and now i’ve had to adapt a completely new life, like he did i suppose all those years ago. I just skipped the double. I’m in that fatalistic type of mood that kinda smothers the old Zimmerman classic, Knockin on Heaven’s Door and i caught myself dreaming of Blood Meridian today and not in the cool sense of like “Yeah, i spend my spare time dreaming of Cormac novels” but closer to the horror scenes of the Kid and Tobin being stalked by the judge throughout the desert. Nick (Et tu Brute?) described my situation kin to It Follows but it’s this i dream of at night. He saw the connection as the girl that currently haunts my emails and texts and apartment but it’s evil that i’m really afraid of. Afraid of just losing everything. Afraid of just becoming a proper Turk. Afraid of no longer caring. Becoming the judge. Have you ever read that? Have you seen It Follows? Or were you always just this? What would you even call yourself? A Muse? Fuck, it’s hot. So fast this year it feels like. Langston and I finally made a connection yesterday, and of course it was with Jeff, the frog puppet i’ve spent years talking to Leo with. I mean, i know i love the muppets and puppets in general and always have, but is this some sort of weird look into my psyche? Maybe i should try talking to everyone with Jeff. Isn’t that the Jodie Foster directed Mel Gibson movie? Have you seen that? I don’t think many have. Anyways, maybe you’ll text me tonight, maybe not. It’s weird that i think of you sometimes and even weirder that you think of me. Maybe we had a bigger impact on each other than suspected, though probably not. I’m rambling now and i can’t remember why i started this. The coyotes are close here, in every sense of the phrase. Every once and awhile i choose to look at them, to acknowledge them out there in the the brush and the trees and the darkness and watch them. Do they want to finally consume me, or do they just want to take me, for me to run with them, for me to cry out with them? hurushott