#like am i depressed. i dont THINK so. but i dont get a lot of joy from things. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

frostedpuffs · 11 months

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mentioned it on the ppu update, but i recently made a really tough decision to take a pay cut to work one day less a week in favor of having time for myself and my hobbies again. i realized that working 5/6 days a week without consecutive days off (and even dealing with work issues/calls on my days off) has left me so exhausted, mentally and physically. i was without any time to write or draw, because on those rare real days off, i was doing all of my house chores and errands, and still didn't have any time to myself. needless to say i was exhausted and Sad 24/7.

SO!!! i will still be working the Hell Schedule for the next two weeks, but after that, hopefully things will start to be a little easier. maybe i will have more art to post for you all to see. maybe more frequent fic updates. or maybe i will just be able to breathe again!

i really do appreciate everyone that has followed me for my art/fics still sticking with me during this long funk of no art/no fic. i know the majority of you followed me for ml content, so i hope i can provide that again soon, because i have also dearly missed being able to create!!! I've missed it SO MUCH!!

#i dont talk a lot abt my personal issues here bc this is a Public Blog with a lot of people following it #so i dont like to blast personal stuff bc that's embarrassing to me #BUT HOLY FUCK DUDE I WAS SO DEPRESSED LIKE. DANGEROUSLY BADLY #but if i can just get through these next two weeks i think i will be okay :)#i will say this: no job and no amount of money is worth killing yourself for a place that would replace you the second you drop dead.#it will very much suck to not be making as much money #but it is what has to be done for me to be able to LIVE instead of just surviving #i am very lucky that i can make a decision like this. i recognize a lot of people cant. so i do feel privileged that i am able to do this.#but i need it to be done before i become so burned out i cant get out of bed #text post

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pepprs · 8 months

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ok. giving myself 4 minutes to make this post and then i finish my homework. i just am so deeply miserable. i really think i made a mistake. i should not be in grad school. i only took a year between this and undergrad and i am still so burned out and mentally ill. im working full time. im only taking one class and this program is supposed to be so good and aligned with what i want and all of that. but i just cant stand having homework. i just cant stand it. i think i am not cut out for academia even though i work in academia. i think i will never get better as long as im still living at home but i have to get better before i can no longer be living at home but i cant get better until im not living at home and every day i still live at home saps away at my will to live quite literally. i should not have started doing grad school without regaining my will to live. without restoring my love for reading and writing that i used to have voraciously when i was younger and less deeply miserable. without recovering from the burnout. i think i made a mistake. i need a masters degree so bad so that i can be safe but i need to not have fucking homework when i already struggle to get through my days without school. i feel so stuck in my life and hopeless and helpless. i dont know what to do

#purrs #i cant drop out or anything because. lol and this class isnt even that big of a deal like i TRULY am freaking out over nothing. but my life #situation is so bad rn bro like i cant get my parents to take me out to drive and i cant get myself to get my parents to take me out to #drive and every day i am guilt tripped berated etc etc and i feel like i am never ever ever going to be able to have my own life where i a #stable and safe and happy. it can happen for other people except for me and my siblings. i dont know. im not explaining anything well.#i just cant do this. i need to not have this one more thing on my plate but i have to because if i dont have a masters degree in my field i #am nothing even though everyone is telling me that isnt true and all of them are credible but im just so mentally ill i cant believe anyone #and icant accept any advice or hope or whatever good about me i just. am stuck. this is as good as it gets and its not even good.#delete later #that was 7 minutes not 4 and i didnt even write anything substantial. nutshell. i just have been so fucking depressed lately oh my goddddd #this is maybe too strong of a thing to say but like. i know it isnt technically neglect if i am an adult but... i think i may kind of be #neglected by my family in some ways a little bit and always have been but like. emotionally. like in the ways in which im never a priority #and the things i need are seen as burdens etc etc. and theres nothing anyone can do about it even myself because im an adult but like lol.#24 year old dependent moment <3 #well there is one thing i can do about it as an adult actually. its called move out. but that requires strength i will #never possess unfortunately due to the inherent flaws in my character and constitution so. guess this is it lawl 🥰#side note (and i swear im done after this lol): i think i was doing a lot better mentally over the summer. funny how when the semester #starts i get depressed and the depression just gets worse and worse until the end of the semester 😻 funny how this is my seventh year like #this. willingly subjecting myself to this. that should be a clue no? but i love my job and if i could just have my job and be stable in it #would be happier but also im lying to mysaelf and i will always be unhappy but its because of my mental illness not my job being bad or #anything its like. i am just sick in the head with impostor syndrome and thats how i got myself into this whole mess. lol #well that and the not moving out thing which is partially my fault but also because i live in hell as described earlier! <3

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13eyond13 · 1 month

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#here's some of the classics on that list i have beef with btw:#i have tried to read A Confederacy of Dunces several times and it's funny but it's also so cringe and Ignatius is so obnoxious #that i find it too difficult to finish like i just feel depressed and bad for everybody around him too much #i tried reading Infinite Jest like a decade ago and i got like 200 pages in and i remember thinking it felt like #such a slog the entire time because he's just so gd wordy and also i stopped liking DFW after i heard the abuse allegations against him #frankenstein i didnt read that long ago but i just remember finding it so boring for some reason?? i feel i might need to read it again #dracula ngl i feel like im cheating a bit saying ive completely read it because i loved the beginning and then HATED so much of the rest #the characters were just so boring and melodramatic hahaha i just liked the part where jonathan was doing a travel diary #and trapped in the castle tbh and after that i skimmed quite a bit #i almost flipped my shit when i saw ender's game on there because I ALWAYS mix it up with ready player one by ernest cline #which i bought the audiobook of a while back and hated every minute of it i dont think its good at all #but it wasnt that so phew my faith in this list is somewhat restored #i read most of the first game of thrones book and was disappointed tbh maybe because id seen the show already #so i was like 'this feels almost exactly the same except worse?' because i'd been expecting it to give me more depth and insight #into the characters but instead it felt exactly the same and i still didnt love any of the characters enough to feel attached to them #also i am fully aware me not personally liking or vibing with a book doesnt mean it doesnt deserve to be considered great btw #but i think if youre gonna be like me and force yourself to go through a bunch of lists like this very seriously then you also need to just #let yourself be like 'yeah not for me' without feeling too bad about it sometimes too #often times i dont particularly love the classics or 'important books' but at the same time #i still feel like im getting more out of reading them than just grabbing the newest hyped up books that also dont do anything for me #maybe not in a 'wow i loved reading this' way but in like a #'i now have first-hand knowledge of this thing that is so influential / so frequently referenced'#or 'this challenged me and i feel like i did a mental/emotional workout or gave me some new food for thought'#or 'made me more aware of what gaps in my knowledge and reading skills and what my tastes are too'#sort of way...#it really just depends on what you're reading for and why and what you're hoping to get out of it a lot of the time maybe #it's like the homework i give myself to go through these lists that i also intersperse with the stuff i read more just for fun #p

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petvles · 10 months

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Mr worldwide come to the Netherlands challenge

#closest i can go is antwerpen and i fucking MIGHT OKAY #käärijä #the hyperfixation is strong i am actively thinking of going 👀#10/07 edit #still planning on going but ppl are liking this so #i just wanna let yall know this was a joke and at the time i didnt know he was going to songfestivalfeest #which i am also debating on going to but then ill have 3 concerts in 3 days that is a lot #but this was just a silly light hearted post please dont read this as me being mad #because i fully understand him not hitting every single country in europe for this tour #i of all people need to understand taking time for your mental health #lmao #i literally stopped 3/4 through my thesis because i was too depressed to function i fucking get it #so its all in good fun and lets all cheer for our lovely green finnish man!!! even if we cant see him #i know i will #💚💚💚

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qumiiiquinnquin · 6 months

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ill never be good enough at anything

#vent #events of today only proved it #im genuinely so close to giving up completely #i dont feel happy when I draw because I know its not good enough and im ashamed when others see it because I know they think the same thing #I dont feel satisfied or accomplished when finishing schoolwork because I know others will have done it better and responded better and im #the stupidest person of the entire class. some things I just dont understand but I know everyone else or lots of others did #i cant do anything right. i cant socialize correctly. i cant remember to do anything. i cant keep any stable relationships #i know if i get a job they'll ly me off or fire me within days max weeks. i dont expect to be able to hold down a job for long #i dont have the skills necessary to become what I want to be which is a meteorologist. i struggle in math and that career is a lot of math #i actually want to be an artist too but ill die a lonely death. i cant even do this class. and artists are not paid enough to survive #hell what I do right now with art in my spare time is much worse than others. a mouse and microsoft paint. both arent good enough #i cant not compare myself to others. i know that they're all better than me. and im around these people every day and see it on social medi #i really want to put my art in our shredder and permanently delete files. i want to drop out. i dont know what to do with myself because i #know that im not good enough for anything except lay in bed like the depressed piece of shit i am and end up getting kicked out #i thought about just leaving class today and throwing myself down the stairwell from the top floor i was already on #just over the barrier thats right next to the first flight of stairs that prevents people from falling off the stairs from a height #the one you can look down and see the following flight of stairs. just throw myself down from that and hurt myself significantly.#ive been thinking about jumping again. from a new part of campus thats higher than where i initially wanted to fall from #if not those then sl!t my wrist or run into traffic #i just need to d!e. There's no room for someone as worthless as me #i cried when I came home today because im just done. i cant carry on and itd be better if i didnt. itd be preferred.

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lynxalon · 3 months

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ive set a monday alarm to go to the doctor because im so fucking depressed i cant imagine anything worthwhile about tomorrow so. wish me luck babes im gonna try really hard to go at all, for a referral to a new psyche+maybe therapist i desperately need meds

#every once in a while i think. what the fuck is wrong with me why cant i just. live like others do #and its like. ohhh ive been unmedicated for goin on 4 years now an that directly corresponds to how little ive been able to do in that time #unmedicated depression+anxiety + untreated agoraphobia is quite literally killing me #sorry to be so depressing on here but i just. dont want any of my friends to wonder where i am one day #im just trying to post stuff so i have to stick to going to the doctor #cause i wanna be okay n shit #no plans to go anywhere rn but im pretty passively suicidal #so ya im just. trying to be okay rn. really fucken hard #not a lot worth it rn. not very wanted around anyways. irl at least. sucks.#not to sound hopeless but ya im just tryin to have Some hope ig #ough. fuck man. its been a long time since ive been this bad off #it was comin and i knew it especially cold turkey off meds but. goddamn i really hoped i could get on meds b4 i got this bad #://////

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girlwithfish · 1 year

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having horrible self image i just have to deal w it cuz like hwen am i ever happy with how i look or my body i just want to stop being at war w myself or at least w my looks cuz it just is such a downer always being unhappy with my physical self like im already unhappy w who i am as a person cn i at least be satisfied w how i look😔☹️idk i never grew out of the self hatred phase it just sucks. very ed sh tw in tags i guess

#spent my childhood hating my body too all of middle school and hs basically like how did this happen lmfskdkd #id limit what i ate track calories i would take ice baths cuz i thought id burn calories all of this stuff it was so stupid and idk sad i #guess #no one rly cared either ig cuz my health wasnt in danger but i was so unhappy w myself and always tired and sad and just mde me more depres #depressed #now its like ive never been happy w myself i tried to be satisfied w my face after yrs of hating my looks and e asian features #and my facial deformity lol loke yeah #Ok #so i still hate that . sometimes i can tolerate my face but its not like i love myself or think i look good cuz #i feel like im just objectively ugly and i hate my face and i hate my body usually #unless if i see i lost weight or in the morning when im m*rnjng sk*nny its so gross like lol i need to stop #i hate it sm and i just feel like cutting myself out of my body idk like a lot #its like smth i just have to get over i guess idk what else there is Lol #i try to have a healtby relationship to food nd soemtimes i even like cooking and i dont fast or anything anymore cuz like i hate #feeling sick from hunger nd being tired im already tired in general so i need energy so yeah but #idk </3 #It just sucks idk how to dsal w it lik i just have to be satisfied and accept myself fro who i am #and all my looks and features and everything on my body #i guess #It just sucks cuz i think im the most ugly repulsive thing sometimes and wish i coukd disappear or cut myself away like.

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orcelito · 9 months

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Painted my nails. Shit camera is shit so u can't see the sparkles well, but it's my magnetic green nail polish. Something a bit on the subtle side for a funeral :p I wanted to go black but. Not pure black.

It's a "celebration of life", as they're calling it. We're not going there to be depressed. We're going there to remember the man we all lost. And he would've Loved for me to have a little fun with it.

#speculation nation #nails shit #im not exactly enthusiastic about tomorrow. not the least of it being the fact that i cant run from my grief if im surrounded by it #but theres... a lot family drama around. some i hadnt even heard about b4 today haha #so we are just hoping that there wont be any Incidents.#never am i more grateful for my reputation of being a wallflower than i am now #me simply being there is a testament to my care. and they see that.#if necessary i may or may not just... fade into the background. i dont know. i can never predict this shit.#with my grandma's funeral i was downright peppy. in a way that threw a few people off.#especially since i was one of the handful of ppl speaking that day #dont know what possessed me to volunteer for public speaking. i was always pretty close with her tho #wanted to do it for her. not exactly jumping at the chance to be Emotionally Vulnerable in front of a crowd again #but i dont regret it.#ive been oscillating wildly between manic and depressive for Weeks now. so i have no idea what im gonna land on tomorrow.#either im happy being around family and end up peppy and social. or im depressed by the situation and end up quiet.#maybe both. who knows. i sure fuckin dont.#im gonna wear a dress for the first time in years and im Not fucking shaving my legs. i think im gonna wear tights or smth. might as well.#sigh. i dont like being so familiar with funerals.#i dont like being so familiar with death.#i hope i get at least a few years between this and the next death i experience. pleeaaaase haha #5 deaths in 5 years. i dont like it one bit.#negative/#i guess.

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mortau · 11 months

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actually, for the meantime (might as well make it official) I think I'll be going on hiatus for a bit. ill change my pinned post to reflect that.

#idk maybe im displacing stuff cause theres a lot going on in my life rn but #tumblr just makes me real depressed lately and i kinda #am just not vibing on here #i cant make myself write and tbh i dont really think anyone would be interested in it anyway????#idk i barely have the energy to get out of bed let alone devote to a website i dont even really like #so #out of character

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opens-up-4-nobody · 1 year

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#ok. ok. in less than 8hrs i have to get up and drive to the airport. and thats ya kno but im trying to b ok abt it #like im not crying and hyperventilating. ive made the drive lots of times. its just. when i have to drive anywhere it morphs into #r u ready? ur gonna cause a horrible accident destroying multiple lives in the process. r u ready? and im like no i hate that stop #so that makes it hard. and im not a bad driver. it just terrifies me thst i space out and become non reactive. like thsts not good. be #reactive pls. i just hate it. and this means i also have to drive back as well. while probably horribly jet lagged #bleh. itll b fine. unless it isnt. but itll b fine. im just scared that something will happen and i wont b able to leave. i cant even b #excited abt going on vacation bc i cant think past the possibility of something preventing me from getting to ohio bc if i let myself get #excited then it wont happen. which is magical thinking nonsense but its how it feels. ugh. dont think abt it. itll be over in 24hrs 🤞#knock on wood. idk what im gonna do while traveling tho. what am i gonna think abt? what to draw? what to plan? idk #the bad part of traveling is thst i cant take all my markers 😫 me and my 500 shitty alcohol pens lol #ill either draw a lot bc im not working or very little bc ill actually be happy for a while #oh god. my boss just sent an email. i wanna ignore it. let me rest.#bleh. last time i flew home i wanted to cry when i landed lol. well see if that happens again #i feel like i was more depressed then but im more fucked up now. but like im also more functional. well. sorta #ugh. i should finish packing #unrelated #its so funny to me when i get homesick like lol bitch u wanna go back to ohio????

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mrfoox · 2 years

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I'll probably never know if I actually don't want kids or if I'm just too scared about passing on bad genes and have them suffer and that's sad

#miranda talking shit #Idk i cant ever seperate it bc if i ever think id like to be a parent at some point i immediately think #About how big the chances are of me passing on my deppression/anxiety. Like i have asd and add and i think they cause a lot of problems #I still thinl my major anxiety and depression issues is my biggest concern. And the fact my mother have family history of bpd and #Schizofrenia and the unknown factor of my dads dad family history like mmm...#Bc i kinda wish i wasnt born in this world bc of my mental problems making it so hard. I dont think id ever forgive myself if #I had an child which had the same view as me bc of mental illness. Idk how high the chances are to pass on stuff like this #But like since i have so much to 'choose' from i feel like its at least 20%. And thats just with my gene pool #If the other parent also have mental health problems that would go up...#Yeah in my mid 20s and many of the girls in my age group is or have gotten kids and im like yea #Part of me would like to be a mom. Like id love the shit out of the kid and try to be the best parent i can #But i can never escape the real possibility of bringing a child into the world with same or similar mental issues i have #Im a guilt driven person and like that idea by itself makes me want to jump off a cliff lmao #So im uh... Maybe i want kids but i probably wont go through with it bc im terrified of the possilites #Idk how commkn it is to think aboht this. Any guy friend i have either really want kids or are like 'well yeah getting a wife and some kids #Is the plan i guess' and girl friends its either i dont want kids i hate them or the same 'yeah an husband and some kids is the plan'#If i ever did have a kid ill have to be with the most caring and calm guy lol. Otherwise id be too scared and deppressed about the #The idea of the worst happening. Its 3 am no idk why this is tonights subject but it is apparently

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13eyond13 · 1 year

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honestly number one tip for everything like blogging or making friends or whatever is just make other people feel genuinely valued and seen

#i have had a lot of people sort of ask me about this on tumblr over the years and thats the biggest thing i notice #people are usually starved for attention hahaha everybody here wants the same thing #dont do it manipulatively or whatever but honestly you want to be around the people who make you feel good and interesting and welcome #so ask them about their interests compliment them on their talents tag them in things invite them to groups #they'll probably like you if you like them first #it's something i have had to reteach myself recently in my depression struggles as well #i am making myself seek out people and trying to show them i value them and speak their love languages to them #instead of just waiting for them to come to me #because relationships are two way streets and most of them have struggles of a similar nature and social anxieties and whatnot as well #it's definitely been one of the best things for improving my mental health #to stop thinking of it as what can i get from other people and instead think of it as what can i do to show them i care #you can get just as many good feelings from making someone else's day as you can from somebody making yours #p

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bobzora · 1 year

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the thing about gamedev that they dont want you to know is that you have to actually dev your game @.@ crazy ! ! !

#bobtalk #slowlyyy making progress on customizing my vn thru the depression funk lol...#i much much prefer working with things that i only kind of understand because i think struggling is fun but also it takes a lot of time tha #t way....#im at a level where i Can code right. i Can code. but im not very good at it. im a jack of all trades master of none kind of guy #(that is to say that i am pretty good at coding to a certain level but i dont have much experience at larger scales.)#and its fun. its thrilling.#its like how i never learned long division so i would always have to do 9000 workarounds to get to answers without calculator.#its like life or death fighting. delectable.#of course if i fail too horribly it just makes me want to blow everything up but theres a delicious middle ground of competency.#you know how it is.#so uh. yeah. im figuring out ren/py screens. LOL #i think if someone who really knows what theyre doing looked at my project theyd want to murder me but thats half the fun <3 #not like i have to worry about performance issues on my. uh. visual n0vel.#at any rate its so much better than visualnovelmaker i have so much beef with that program its actually unreal #anyway i kind of sort of have a vision. and its maybe not quite coherent bc im not a very coherent person. but thats okay i think. <3 #sorry for talking i feel slightly insane and i needed to let some of that out before Total Brain Annihilation #heart emoji. uh. bye

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maaaxx · 1 year

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I have this ten page paper due in like a week on greek art or something like that and this is both really nice and really awful because on one hand one of my current wips (not fandom related) is heavily inspired by greek things, and on the other hand I dont feel like writing a ten page paper.

#the wip is hecles in case you were wondering #i dont think i talk about it much on here #but the thing about me is I am VERY good at getting things done like the absolute last minute #i wrote a different ten page paper like two years ago about the polarization of gender in like 3 hours and got the highest grade in my clas #*class #and so because i can do this i can not force myself to do things until I desperately need to #but the thing about this specific time is that i need to read 90 fucking pages of my textbook #and if you pay attention to the shit i post you know i cant read #nvm its 50 #i think i can do it #hypomania for the win #ask not what you can do for your mental illness but what your mental illness can do for you #one of the tell tale signs that im going into a hypomanic episode is my sleep schedule #like one day ill sleep for a normal amount of time #becuase i try to prioritize my sleep schedule during the seasonal depression months because if not shit hits the fan #but then the next day ill be up until 3 am doing god knows what #and ill wake up at 6 am and be ready for the day and be fine #that was today #also my head is buzzing #also ive been a lot more social than normal #my hypomania presents itself really simular to adhd #so ill either get this assignment done in 3 hours #or not at all #because im eitherb #either extremely focused or extremely distracted #like adhd on crack #one of these days im going to regret posting all this on here #but its not today!#max thinks shes relevant

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florida3exclamationpoints · 1 year

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#I don't talk about it much except around the holidays when im complaining about Christmas sldjsk #but im religious :)) and ive just been. lowkey Dealing With Something #some people. have been kinda. questioning.... my level of.... dedication?? ig #bc my mental health problems hold me back from Doing As Much as other people #and... ive heard a lot in the last few months.... to pray about it :) and god will give me strength :)#and... idk... i do pray about it!! and god does give me strength!! but my strength looks different from other people's #and i just think... idk... we don't tell people with cancer to pray about it :) and god will give you the strength to get rid of the cancer #we dont tell paralyzed people to pray about it :) and god will give you the strength to walk again :)#ya know??? like we dont expect god to FIX illnesses to make our lives easier #so why am i being told to pray about MY illnesses and then they wont be as bad #.......ya know #and i do!!!!! pray about it!!!!!!!! so sorry that im so debilitatingly depressed that doing my best looks lazy to yall #idk probably gonna delete this skdnskd #i dont talk about it much on here for reasons :) im not hiding it by any means #its just not smth i feel needs to be shared all the time on this particular platform #where i exist to be a fangirl skdhksbdjs

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