in which zane did not know before he died

remembered this very old au concept i’ve had since i was tiny watching ninjago for the first time… it completely unravels everything i enjoy about zane in the early seasons and i refuse to think of the necessary rewrites atm but i needed to make at least this one scene exist. can an au be naught but a single panel that makes me Sad?

I talk about me being upset today

It is a regular cycle: Izzy gets anxious Izzy goes into PANIC PANIC TIME Mother tries to support me Father tries to calm me down

The problem usually rests in the last part. He tells me that I’m self-inducing my anxiety. That I shouldn’t let myself do this and I can bring myself back. And he expects me to bring myself back right away. He gets frustrated, but panic attacks take time and I hate that. He keeps on trying to talk me down, which often makes things worse bc he says things that often get me more upset and I’ve talked to my therapist about this happening so we had me write him a letter to please not do that when I’m upset here are some other options but that didn’t work so we have to work on that more I guess. So I get more upset when he talks to me when I’m freaking out and then he thinks that I am mad at him and he is the problem.

His actions are not helping me in that moment, yes, but I am not mad at him; I am willing to work things through. However, as I’ve said, working things through hasn’t really worked out thus far. Basically every time I get myself into a panic panic time at home, he gets grumpy for the rest of the day, the day after, sometimes the next few days. And that makes me feel like I am the problem. Bc I have made him upset. I can’t control my anxiety that well but I’m getting the impression that he thinks I am a master of it–- or at least he expects me to since I’ve been in therapy for 4ish years now.

I had to take a lil break from writing this bc I was getting a bit upset as I’m still calming down from the panic panic time that made me want to write this. I’m back now. We continue. Sorry for repetition of previously said ideas.

I feel like he doesn’t get that I’m trying super very hard to do all I can to not be a puddle of anxiety. He tells me he knows I’m trying hard, but I’m not super convinced. I’ve not been making a ton of progress lately as far as dealing with things. But that isn’t all the way in my control. I had a period start before thanksgiving 2016 and just ended a few days ago (Jan 2017). That’s a long time to be bleeding, light as it was. My body fluctuates in ways I have no way of controlling. I’ve been working with my doctor on period regulation (bc I tend to get worse when I’m on my period) so I’ve been on depo for a few injections, but periods have still been irregular and long, which obviously means that my moods have been very strange. This is all combined with my meds being all crazy bc I started lactating bc of one, so we had to get rid of it. And the one we eventually replaced it with was helping but I also had real bad stomach aches, diarrhea, and nausea (which included some vomiting ughhh). So we obviously had to stop that one. I was officially off that in November, and my psychiatrist wanted to see if I’d do okay with just my other meds (lololol not the case). So my depression got worse over this past christmassy time with New Years so that was really not cool. I met with my psychiatrist last week and I started a new med for anxiety and sleep. Maybe things will get better? I don’t know. I’ve only been on it a week.

I didn’t enjoy my time off of school very much bc I didn’t feel good with all the ailments of my brain. And that medicine that made you lactate so you had to stop it? It helps keep weight on you! So I’m here now in January 20 pounds lighter than I was over the summer. Then I go back to school super overwhelmed with everything going on with my body (that includes my mental stuff). oh joy! So I’m all anxious and depressed and then look!, a retreat with your youth group where you have to be social and open up about faith and be in a large group singing together with the speakers too loud. I did not enjoy myself there. A week later, finals week at the high school! I only have two bc I’m taking two classes at the community college for dual credit, but I’m still a ball of stress bc I get very nervous about those things as you probably would guess. (I got good results tho. I just wish I could get those without having to be in a constant state of very heightened anxiety.) I’m a lil more relaxed now as far as school but still stressed about other things.

And then here is today. I get a panic panic time. My dad does his nonhelpful thing then gets upset with my mom for something and storms off upstairs to their room. I continue taking my sweet time to freak out. When I’m a bit more calm I ask my mom what my dad is upset about. She had asked him to turn the tv down a bit bc loud noises really aren’t helpful when I am having a panic panic time, and he had already been getting the remote ready to turn the volume down but she didn’t see that. So he got mad. (All you gotta do is say oh yes I noticed it was loud too! I’m turning it down right now! You don’t need to be an angsty teen. You are 55 years old.) My mom and I take the dogs out to go pee bc they need to go and then I go upstairs to get ready for bed. I change into pjs and feed my fish and watch her swim. It is nice. I am trying to relax while still being quite upset with myself and my dad.

I know that I really haven’t done anything wrong but I still feel guilty for making him upset every time I am unable to control my anxiety and burst. But the way he talks to me, or at least the way I interpret it, says that I am making the choice to work myself up but I can make the choice to calm down again. Sir, it isn’t quite that simple. I am not making a conscious choice to make myself freak out and my heart pound in my chest and my legs shake and my mind spin out of control. No one would choose to go through that. I don’t enjoy suffering. I didn’t choose to have my mental illness just like he didn’t choose to have kidney cancer. When I’m having a panic time I’m not giving in as he calls it. I’m using all the strength I can muster, but that isn’t always enough or applied in the right way. That is why I’m still in therapy. It’s a chronic illness; it doesn’t go away when you start taking meds or when you’ve been in therapy for a while. It’s power fluctuates and sometimes you deal with it better than others, but that doesn’t mean I’m not trying as hard when I’m not doing as well.

I don’t hate him and I know he doesn’t hate me. But he does sometimes be short with me for a few days after. My mom says that he is trying to be careful around me so that he doesn’t upset me again. It just makes me uncomfortable bc every time I interact with him when he is like that I feel guilty and reminded of the fact that I wasn’t able to control my brain and prevent myself from getting more anxious when he says things, all leading to him being upset. I don’t like when he is upset. It makes me uncomfortable and there is a strange feeling in the house whenever that happens (and it can happen when he is upset with my sister too, but she is at college rn so it doesn’t really happen anymore).

So I guess I’m feeling quite lost in my brain. I know I’m trying hard and giving what I can to get better, but I’m questioning if I am truly trying hard enough bc of the way my dad sees me when I get panic panic. I am seeing my therapist tomorrow, which is good. I guess I need to say what I’m saying here and we’ll work something out. I don’t know what. Maybe we’ll talk about family therapy. I don’t know how that would go bc my dad gets very defensive when you confront him bc he hates being wrong and loves to argue (bc of his law degree and jag officer experience). It makes me quite scared to confront him about things bc I don’t like when he gets defensive and gives long lectures about why he’s right. (That’s why I had to give him a letter to tell him about what he should be doing when I am panic panic bc I don’t like to talk to him about things like that).

He isn’t intending to do wrong; he wants to help me, but I guess he hasn’t figured out the right way yet. There is always something to work on. We all keep changing and growing. I just wish I would grow in a nicer, easier, less stressful way. But I can’t have everything. I do have dogs tho. And a fish.

tl;dr izzy is working hard to get better at managing her moods, but it isn’t going great and her dad isn’t being super helpful, so she is upset.

[You don’t need to worry about safety, etc bc I’ve got my mom and I’m seeing my therapist tomorrow and I have some coping skills that I can use when I am not feeling great about living. Feel free to send me pictures of dogs tho. That would be appreciated.]

8-02 Hey baby, I was doing some reading yesterday & earlier today. Wanted to share some stuff just so you can read about some interesting things. Like chanting. It's pretty intriguing to me but idk if you'll like it. I was going to journal before work but I didn't give myself enough time. I slept in bc I didn't sleep the other night lol. My life is a mess but at least I have fun with it. Well I try to anyway. I wish I could have you here to relax and calm me down before work. I get so anxious sometimes about things. Never realized how much shit gets me going..worked up I guess you could say? Not really but I'm just OCD af and always on tip. I took a quarter of an addy bc I wanna study a lot tn. But it gets my heart racing still lol. I can definitely concentrate and focus more bc I truly do have adhd but I think it fucks w that heart murmur i have. Idk I like taking it & smoking too. I was emotional & soooo horny the last couple of days and I started my period i think? It might just be light but that's good! I hate how periods fuck up your hormones and make you so emotional lol. A little hope to not be negative & thinking I can't have kids. Even tho you said you can't bc you've blown in a lot of girls and nothing's happened -.- you're the only bf I've ever felt protective over. I think it's bc you're promiscuous:p. It'd be nice to have a conversation about life and share a bowl w you. Get fucked before work and be in a better mood ;) ughhh I can't wait! Do you remember sending me a pic back in like November I think? It was on our fb mssgs & it makes me wet just thinking about you bending me over the bed D: I was sad this am just in pain from yoga yesterday and I just want to be fit and healthy. Hate that one workout takes a week to not be in excruciating pain. Makes me stick to my diet more tho. Yoga and meditating with you:) Alan you're the best thing that has ever happened to me and I can't wait to be the mother of your babies one day<3 I reread your last letter again. Makes me have a piece of you in the day. Woke up and read it, it gets me through a lot of days. I feel like I can't be as positive as can be if I don't smoke. You've been sober since before New Years... and I'm just so fucking proud of you, dealing with everything the way you have been. I mean it when I say that it has proven to me that you really have grown up and became a man. I know you aren't the person you were 5 yrs ago, a yr ago or even since January... You are still my rock & strength even though you're locked up. Still my reason for my effort in life. Thank you for making me feel like everything is okay. Even if you don't say it all the time, I know you're a hard headed, strong mother fucking person and I'm in love with you. I think I make you a better person and you do the same for me. You're my motivation babe and I thought about that while I was bummin' out earlier. It's why I read your letter :) but when I had that thought "Fast Car" came on and it was like a sign :b not trying to sound gullible and silly but it was like a "relax your shoulders, breathe, you're going to get what you deserve. Everything is going to be okay." It was like I had you pulling me in and reassuring me I'm not kidding. I remember standing in front of the mirror or cooking in the kitchen and you'd wrap your hands around me from behind. God I love you... I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Please don't fuck me over. I gotta get to work:( but it's my ticket to come see you!!! I'll link everything later to this letter... I take pics through out the day and wanna just check in like you're apart of my everyday life. Love you so fucking much!! 4:20 & I think I might play with myself before work(; write later babes:* 8-07 so it's been a couple of days now and I'm sorry I haven't wrote to you. Im doing a bunch of interviews and what not through out the day still. I just got hired at bdubs & it's the closest restaurant to campus so I know I'll make good $!!!! I have a couple interviews this week for nannying & massaging. Things are finally coming together!! We have both weathered the storm and I truly believe we are going to get rewarded for being so positive and understanding our circumstances. I'm at my first day of training at bdubs..I was doing paperwork and I saw that sammi requested to follow me on instagram, I seriously got tears in my eyes. I didn't know if she hated me or not. I told her to call me sometime when she is able to, it has made my whole day! I'm hoping you call tonight but idk what your sanctioned days were. I'm guessing fri-sun but idk..so many meetings and stuff rn I'm trying to stay on top of everything. Irdk how moms do their daily stuff, their husbands stuff, housework, providing/ working, bills, baby, drs, everything! I need to learn how to manage my time better. I wish i could teleport to you & spoon you in your bed tn. Please stay positive about October Alan, it's the only thing I'm holding onto. I hope you like all of the stuff I'm going to share w you. I thought it might make you think a little more hopeful. I've been talking to your mom quite a bit lately, would you want me to ask her to come when I visit the weekend of the 24th? We are about to start touring & what not but I wanted to check in w you. I love you so much Alan<3 -Chanting protects us from negative energies: In the state of meditation the mind is thoughtless. In this state, some negative energy can trouble us. On the other hand, a protective sheath that wards off negative energies is formed around us when we chant.-Nowadays many people practice meditation as a psychological self-improvement technique rather than a tool for spiritual growth. the benefits derived from such meditation are also at a psychological level. Based on the above comparison, for spiritual growth in today’s era, chanting is of greater value. If you already meditate with the intention of achieving spiritual growth, we recommend you complement it with the spiritual practice of chanting.-Om Mani Padme Hum:The two syllables, "padme", meaninglotus, symbolize wisdom. ... Thus the six syllables, "om mani padme hum", mean that in dependence on the practice of a path which is an indivisible union of method and wisdom, you can transform your impure body, speech, and mind into the pure exalted body, speech, and mind of a Buddha"-Lokah Samastah Sukhino Bhavantu mantra: "May all beings everywhere be happy and free, and may the thoughts, words, and actions of my own life contribute in some way to that happiness and to that freedom for all.” *(I used to "pray" or ask the universe everyday to for 'the world get happier and safer each day. & whatever happens to me, I'm able to walk away with a smile on my face' I have said the same thing since I was like around 10 yo.) -You should reach the large bead (or tassel) after 108 repetitions. When you do so, it is traditional to turn the beads around and continue in the opposite direction. Now repeat your mantra silently 108 times, moving one bead at a time, as before. Meditate for a few minutes. Do this by sitting quietly and envisioning your chosen form of the divine within your heart or at the point on your forehead between your eyes. If thoughts come, let them come, but realize that you are not your thoughts, and gently dismiss them.!!!!!!!!*(THIS IS THE BEST SENTENCE I HAVE READ) -Increase the number of mantra repetitions and amount of time in meditation as you have the time and inclination to do so, and are able to do with concentration.You may also repeat your mantra silently throughout the day as often as possible!- Mantra recitation, which is called japa (“muttering”) in Sanskrit, has been an important aspect of Yoga practice since Vedic times. It consists of the repetition of the same mantra, which can be composed of a single syllable (e.g., om) or a string of mantric sounds (e.g., om namah shivaya). As Patanjali reminds us, the yogic path is propelled by practice and dispassion, and significantly, the Sanskrit term for practice—abhyasa—means “repetition.” Through repetition we create either positive or negative habit patterns. Mantra japa produces positive mental tracks, helping us to gradually overcome spiritual darkness. It is a powerful technique for focusing the mind and for harnessing the body/mind’s subtle energies in completing the yogic path of self-transformation. As stated in the concluding chapter of the Kularnava Tantra: “Japa is so-called because it removes the sin accumulated in thousands of lives and because it reveals the Supreme Deity.” The greatest “sin,” of course, is ignorance of our own true nature.-I will put the Law of Least Effort into effect by making a commitment to take the following steps: " 1. I will practice Acceptance. Today I will accept people, situations, circumstances, and events as they occur. I will know that this moment is as it should be, because the whole universe is as it should be. I will not struggle against the whole universe by struggling against this moment. My acceptance is total and complete. I accept things as they are this moment, not as I wish they were. 2. Having accepted things as they are, I will take Responsibility for my situation and for all those events I see as problems. I know that taking responsibility means not blaming anyone or anything for my situation (and this includes myself). I also know that every problem is an opportunity in disguise, and this alertness to opportunities allows me to take this moment and transform it into a greater benefit. 3. Today my awareness will remain established in Defenselessness. I will relinquish the need to defend my point of view, and I will feel no need to persuade others to accept my point of view. I will remain open to all points of view and not be rigidly attached to any one of them."- Least effort is expended when your actions are motivated by love, because nature is held together by the energy of love. When you seek power and control over other people, you waste energy. When you seek money or power for the sake of the ego, you spend energy chasing the illusion of happiness instead of enjoying happiness in the moment. When you seek money for personal gain only, you cut off the flow of energy to yourself, and interfere with the expression of nature's intelligence. But when your actions are motivated by love, there is no waste of energy. When your actions are motivated by love, your energy multiplies and accumulates , and the surplus energy you gather and enjoy can be channeled to create anything that you want, including unlimited wealth.-This leads us to the second component of the Law of Least Effort: responsibility. What does responsibility mean? Responsibility means not blaming anyone or anything for your situation, including yourself. Having accepted this circumstance, this event, this problem, responsibility then means the ability to have a creative response to the situation as it is now. All problems contain the seeds of opportunity, and this awareness allows you to take the moment and transform it to a better situation or thing. Once you do this, every so-called upsetting situation will become an opportunity for the creation of something new and beautiful, and every so-called tormentor or tyrant will become your teacher. Reality is an interpretation. And if you choose to interpret reality in this way, you will have many teachers around you, and many opportunities to evolve. Whenever confronted by a tyrant, tormentor, teacher, friend, or foe (they all mean the same thing) remind yourself, "This moment is as it should be." Whatever relationships you have attracted in your life at this moment are precisely the ones you need in your life at this moment. There is a hidden meaning behind all events, and this hidden meaning is serving your own evolution.-There are three components to the Law of Least Effort: three things you can do to put this principle of "do less and accomplish more" into action. Acceptance simply means that you make a commitment: "Today I will accept people, situations, circumstances, and events as they occur." This means I will know that this moment is as it should be, because the whole universe is as it should be. This moment -- the one you're experiencing right now -- is the culmination of all the moments you have experienced in the past. This moment is as it is because the entire universe is as it is.- If the karma is complete, this will be part of what you release. If it is not, patterns can be reset this month to reflect a higher vibration so that unfinished business and karma can be completed or continued in a way that comes from a place of more love, compassion and forgiveness. This includes self-karma, those deep hard lessons we all came in with this lifetime whether they are physical conditions, emotional or intellectual challenges, or just simply difficult personality traits. Whatever has been anchored through your childhood wounds and imprinting has become part of your patterning. That energetic patterning is your belief system that informs the quantum field around you to manifest certain aspects of your life. Much of this becomes automatic and unconscious until you have an opportunity like we do this month to go within, dig it up, re-evaluate its relevance, and make a change. So, the bottom line is that this is a great month to reset and recreate who you are, what you want to manifest, and how you want to show up in the world. It is going to take work, commitment, discipline and a true willingness to change.- You may also find yourself resurrecting old hobbies or projects or even collaborations with others especially around the arts and music. That garden that you dreamed of planting a few years ago may suddenly manifest because it is the right time. Or that business deal you gave up on will come around again with fresh energy and new insight. Be inspired by the possibilities and be creative in your problem solving and reconfiguring of what runs your physical life. It may be time to retire some aspects and rekindle others. Take a risk and take advantage of what comes your way, always willing for reevaluation and reset.- *(there's a total solar eclipse where the moon blocks the whole sun aug 21st) And speaking of eclipses, even if you are not in an area where they are visible, it would be very very wise to honor them in some way as powerful allies for reset. Try to take time around the eclipses, especially the solar one on the 21st, without interference from your schedule. “We will not actually see the results of what these eclipses have offered us until later in the fall. But you can be sure that if you put the intention into what you want reset, you will get their support.”-When you become defensive, blame others, and do not accept and surrender to the moment, your life meets resistance. Any time you encounter resistance, recognize that if you force the situation, the resistance will only increase. You don't want to stand rigid like a tall oak that cracks and collapses in the storm. Instead, you want to be flexible, like a reed that bends with the storm and survives. Completely desist from defending your point of view. When you have no point to defend, you do not allow the birth of an argument. If you do this consistently -- if you stop fighting and resisting -- you will fully experience the present, which is a gift. Someone once told me, "The past is history, the future is a mystery, and this moment is a gift. That is why this moment is called 'the present'." If you embrace the present and become one with it, and merge with it, you will experience a fire, a glow, a sparkle of ecstasy throbbing in every living sentient being. As you begin to experience this exultation of spirit in everything that is alive, as you become intimate with it, joy will be born within you, and you will drop the terrible burdens and encumbrances of defensiveness, resentment, and hurtfulness. Only then will you become lighthearted, carefree, joyous, and free. In this joyful, simple freedom, you will know without any doubt in your heart that what you want is available to you whenever you want it, because your want will be from the level of happiness, not from the level of anxiety or fear. You do not need to justify; simply declare your intent to yourself, and you will experience fulfillment, delight, joy, freedom, and autonomy in every moment of your life. *Literally, I believe I got you back into my life bc I wanted it so bad. You are proof that you can "get whatever you want bc you want it from the level of your happiness" I knew I would have you back one day honestly, I just had doubt. I knew it even before last April when you told me I couldn't let you go bc you were the one for me. You just had to grow up. I moved to Colorado to let you do that. -research tells us that every thought and emotion creates a chemcial reaction because it immediately changes our neurochemicals that affect our mental, physical and spiritual health,Your mantra should be your own; something that resonates with you and helps you recenter in the moment. Keep in mind that what de-stresses one person may not be calming for another. So stick with what works, even if it’s something as silly as “Hakuna Matata.” How could this 90s mantra not make you smile? Plus — it means no worries ... for the rest of your days.:) “This Too Shall Pass.” While it’s important to live in the present moment, it’s also comforting to remind yourself the stress you’re enduring now is temporary — clear skies are on the horizon.“Make It Work.” Tim Gunn’s power phrase is poignant: Take a deep breath and remember that you’re in control and there’s always a solution. Don't worry be happy(: & ofcourse from bob Marleys song "3 little birds" Don't worry about a thing, Cause every little thing gonna be all right. Singin: don't worry about a thing, Cause every little thing gonna be all right! It's gonna be be alright man. Rise up this mornin, Smiled with the risin sun, Three little birds Pitch by my doorstep Singin sweet songs Of melodies pure and true, Sayin, (this is my message to you-ou-ou:) Singin: don't worry bout a thing, Cause every little thing gonna be all right.Singin: don't worry (dont worry) bout a thing,Cause every little thing gonna be all right! * hope you sang that with a Jamaican accent too :) alright who knows how many stamps this will be but this was the best way for me to show you that I'm thinking about you and doing everything I can to help you be positive & assured. I'm by your side baby. No matter what I'm going to wait for you. 8-08 i love you