#last night was esp bad
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do you deserve to be loved?
#*smashes thru the wall like the kool aid man* im fucking back#we're so back. it's joever. i'm screeching into the sun i'm ILL i fucking sobbed last night i cried during work#i sat and drew during my lunch i finished the lore drop at 7am and didnt sleep and drew until work started at 9#i. um. i dont even know where to start for making shit. i feel adrift i feel lost in the sauce of misery#the way he screamed at his baby self that he didnt deserve to cry. that he didnt deserve to be loved. im fucking ILL#ive talked before abt his bad relationship w his own mortality but ngl i REALLY underestimated how deep this ran...esp w the new dad knowle#twst#twisted wonderland#twst silver#silver vanrouge#ch7 spoilers#book 7 spoilers#he got a new rigged expression!!! all the new animations!!!!!! as a rig animator by trade i was v impressed and pleased#silver nation. fuck every other book like im sorry this one wins u cant deny it#suntails
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All it takes is a wee little nightmare to make you too scared to step foot outside for fear of Bad Things happening, like it’s an omen lol
#also it is p o u r i n g outside and it takes me an hour and fifteen minutes to commute to campus#i'm a good little student but sometimes i just can't be assed#esp with all the crazy stuff that's been happening on public transit and on my campus for that matter#i'm just getting a bad vibe today [insert empath meme here]#warning for me complaining about a graphic nightmare!!!!:#had a few stress dreams(?) last night but one particularly violent one in which a woman got run over by a streetcar--#--and the paramedics were moving people along but i accidentally got a really good look at her and it fucked me up#she looked like she was just sleeping peacefully but i could only really make out the top half of her body#probably because the bottom half was... yeah.#i think i also had another dream that i was being hunted by a sniper?? and they had called my cell and were threatening me + my folks?#and another one where i had to hide some children from... i don't really know what. some dangerous person who wanted to kill all of us#but the kids wouldn't leave me even though i begged them to.#yeah just a normal collection of dreams for me. literally ugh.#i don't even think i'm stressed in my life rn??#not any more than normal lol
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🏥🦷
#damn my teeth on my left side reallyyyyy fkn hurt#last night it started hurting so bad i couldnt fall asleep#i took some regular over the counter pain pills nd they brought down the pain a bit#so it at least didnt hurt as bad as it did first#but now after sleeping a few hours it still hurts ://#idk what to do... bc i've googled but it is like impossible for me to know what this is. could be anything rlly#nd w physical health stuff im not as terrified bc i can just go to the ER. when i was there it only cost $15 lol#but dental care is so fkn expensive i dont even have that in my account#anyway. i could get an 'urgent appointment' which i get financial aid for... probably. thats the thing. it's not 100% certain#idk what i should do bc like i could wait it out nd see if it'll pass nd then wait on my appt the 6th may#or maybe i should call my dentists nd ask them what they think nd if they can give me an urgent appt..#i hate calling tho. i know that sounds ridiculous esp when im dealing w pain but my avpd makes it so so hard for me. i'd almost rather not#if i was smart nd normal thats what i would do. just call them nd see what they decide for me. maybe i'll wait nd see nd call tmrw....#nd idk abt the pain. like it rlly hurts but it isnt extreme i think.. but when i press one tooth it hurts a lot nd makes me worried it's#dying 💀 nd like u can actually die from teeth pain nd complications... nd infections nd stuff. it's scary af 😭#idk if my tooth is dying nd i need to contact a dentist rn or if its smth that can wait for a bit#i mean if i had a job nd a salary i'd book an appt for tmrw nd get it checked but i have to discuss w myself bc i cant afford lol#ugh this is the reason im terrified of dental problems. the pain is awful nd theres nothing u can do if you're poor#my head keeps spinning idk what i should do abt this 😭 i csnt make up my mind. just want it to go away on its own but i know it wont#nd it hurts so that i can barely sleep or eat or concentrate. so i rlly dont know.....#oh if only things were easy
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Still thinking about the conversation I had with my roommate’s bf like two weeks ago where he said he was scared of furries but also didn’t even know enough about furries to know they were called furries I had to figure out wtf he was talking about. The urge to become a full blown furry now. Despite having all the makings of a furry I for some reason have never ended up enthusiastically becoming one despite my best efforts. Well. With spite as my motivator here we are. Where are the furry artists, I’m commissioning both my tentative ideas for my fursonas. I’m inviting all my friends who are furries over and we’re gonna work on making fursuits. I will also make this a hostile living situation for you AND I will get the added bonus of doing fun furry stuff
#during the same conversation he very heavily insinuated he thought I was a cringey weirdo in the most derogatory sense#by making fun of most of my hobbies and calling ppl who liked them cringey weirdos#but then going ‘oh! oh no! I don’t mean you though you’re fine you’re like Normal 😀’#so. you know.#anyways last night I walked in the door from work#and the entire apartment smelled like weed and there was a dog barking at me and he was watching tv SO loud#🙃🙃🙃 sensory overload immediately in main part of apartment so I hid in bedroom all night#I’m also irritated cuz I’ve had convos with my roommate about weed FOREVER ago#literally my one ask was if he was gonna smoke he do it outside so the apartment doesn’t smell like it#idc if you smoke and you are free to do edibles/dabs/whatever inside just pls don’t smoke joints#I hate the smell and it’s bad for the animals#so why is it 🙃🙃🙃 all of a sudden happening again as this guy moves in 🙃🙃🙃#anyways about to become a revenge furry and also suuuuuper fucking cringey just to bother/embarrass him#esp cuz he said he wants to have friends over all the time which I’m also FUDJDJSJSKSK about#but sure! invite friends over!#I’m gonna sit in the living room with my giant easel and draw furries and listen loudly to vocaloid while they’re here 🥰#I’m gonna have a great time! you won’t tho lmao#kaz rambles
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my mum picking me up this morning: you're not as hungover as i thought you'd be
me, just yacked in an alleyway: yeah haha
#it's 3pm now and i still cant believe that happened that was. an experience#basically my mate's 21st coincided with her sister's 30th so they both had this big joint Event last night#where they literally rented out a farm house and the field nearby and set up a whole campsite and barbeque and everything#it was really random but also really good esp bc ive been friends with this girl since we were super young#and our mums were friends so ive just got. lots of connections to her family and it was nice seeing them all again#but there was fully like 60 people at this thing and i DID drink more than i meant to but i wasn't paralytic which is good#and my hangover ISNT that bad in terms of how bad my hangovers can get#it's just that my mate's dad picked us both up at 9am this morning which was already going to be... rough#and then proceeded to do the bumpiest drive down the country lanes ive ever experienced#i was literally grinding my teeth like i am NOT about to throw up in this man's car please if there is a god do not let me throw up#and i didn't! my mum picked me up from this (thankfully very quiet) road that has this rickety old alley coming off it#and i had the very humbling moment of 'im actually going to be sick aren't i' and had to WAIT FOR AN OLD WOMAN#TO FUCKING MEANDER OUT OF THE ALLEY AND WALK FAR AWAY ENOUGH FOR ME TO AT LEAST HAVE A SHRED OF DIGNITY#and proceeded to throw up. in a public alleyway. at 9:30am on a sunday. so of course i needed to tell you guys about it#im now force feeding myself garlic bread. im going to manchester tomorrow. i have a flight at the crack of dawn on tuesday#what is even going on anymore#also fully did just do nos last night with some 30 year olds. i cannot express how fucking odd a thing that is for me to do#actually no i can express it bc youse know that im funny about drugs so for me to not even be that drunk#and get offered a fucking balloon of all things and be like 'yeah why not!' is.... odd#i know i inhaled wrong though bc it didn't do a thing which honestly im happy about <3#hella goes home
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new year's resolution: stop trying to muscle through books just because they're well-acclaimed and go back to just reading the weird combination of trauma memoirs, gay historical romances, and the murderbot diaries like I actually want to
#personal#this post was brought to you by me finally dropping Jade City#the pressure of it being a library loan on a time limit doesn't help#anyway I'm sure Jade City is great but I got through 25% of it in four days and then slipped and read 40% of What My Bones Know last night#I just gotta pay more attention to when I'm being put off reading#esp if it's not bc a book is bad but bc it's just not up my alley#text posts
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do i post my long explanation of empathy vs sympathy re: roman tonight or is that just excessive
#like warning it is Long. will cut it down some bc i wrote it in a mad frenzy at 3 am in my notes app last night but still#tl;dr: roman is intensely empathetic and entirely devoid of sympathy. the seemingly contradictory displays of compassion vs disregard/#cruelty are not contradictory at all and make complete sense if you understand the actual definitions of empathy and sympathy. i’d argue#that while rome’s capacity for empathy stands out in a show a#of people who are not prone to empathy his complete and total void of sympathy is much more unique in terms of humanity at large. it’s just#a show filled w cruel people so it’s less noticeable that the forms of cruelty he displays are rooted in empathy/lack of sympathy rather#than sympathy/lack of empathy like kendall and shiv (and just most people more generally)#sympathy is predicated upon difference distance and logical dissection of emotion while empathy is rooted in identification intimacy and#visceral experiences of emotion#you guys just literally do not know what these words mean. but that’s fine ! most people do not ! they are frequently confused and conflated#! that just doesn’t mean they SHOULD be. so . maybe i can help w that#also for further reading edmund burke is an absolutely fascinating figure to read esp his writings on british imperialism#although the term he uses is sympathy mehta & other later thinkers who have talked ab him have concluded that his cosmopolitanism of#sentiments/sympathy is much more like the modern definition of empathy (the words have shifted meaning slightly over the course of history)#or rather that the sentiment is empathy but the push to action is sympathy and combining together u get the cosmo. of sentiments#but basically burke is the founder of modern conservative thought basically. he is also the only british thinker who at the time of british#occupation of india actually spoke out against imperialism. this is because he viewed others not from a lens of sympathy/pity (feeling bad#for their plight) but empathy (identifying with their circumstances and placing himself within them)#love burke bc i find it so fascinating how someone i disagree with so frequently also holds a mindset that i value greatly and is anti-#imperialism despite everything else about him#kind of like rome in that sense. except rome’s sense of empathy is slightly broken because a) he doesn’t have any sympathy to supplement it#with and b) his visceral/emotion/gut instinct leading way of viewing the world + the way obscene wealth makes the rest of reality feel#fungible = inability to feel anything towards that which he does not identify#and unlike burke rome is too skewed by wealth and his upbringing to see resemblance in the masses and empathize w them#the other sibs function using sympathy and feel bad for the poor without having to relate to or understand them#but roman doesn’t do sympathy. he doesn’t feel FOR people he feels what people are feeling instead#but only so long as they’re seen as people. sympathy requires hierarchy so not viewing others as ppl v much allows for sympathy.#empathy requires some level of perceived horizontality so rome cannot empathize w that which is not horizontal to him#me: should i post this long thing? also me: posts another long thing in the tags that’s a long short summary of the much longer actual post#anyways. ahem. back to work
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i would like to not wake up wanting to cry. like can we maybe not start the day like that as a default, brain. can we do that.
#imagine going to sleep and not having dreams that force you to think about the things you are consciously trying to move past#with a side dish of other sad nonsense that more than anything just makes you panicked and tired#what the fuck is even going on with me. i’m beside myself.#sorry to be venting i just don’t have people around and i don’t like the idea of burdening any one specific person#esp when there is no Solution to the Troubles but time passing and slowly caring about other shit#and the additional stress responses are idk. probably a ptsd thing i don’t care ab labeling it#last night i dreamt that for some unclear reason i surrendered my cat to the shelter and then regretted it so bad but couldn’t get her back#if you know me you know how distressing that would be#brain. why.#i don’t even have a reason to be stressed about my cat why did we bring her into this
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I never tried the option myself bc it'd probably mean skipping the Reason You Suck speech at the end (fire for speedrunners though) but I Love that you can frame your Phoneys in 3, especially so if you've already killed the previous two. Like yeah couldn't send you off to die so i'll let the goverment do it for me 🧸 like its just Peak evil imo.
#luly talks#i do relinquish in the pain and the agony but dont get me wrong the thought of any of them 3 getting jailed makes me SO sad#rog esp since he's the one im writing about and the biggest nerve wreck#gingi voice they'll be the last one to pick the board game for prison-game-night..........#actually yknow i wonder if rog would end up almost believing it after all when you try to gaslight him for the shits and giggles#(as in: telling HE was victim of the bite of 87 and the like) he tells you to not do that bc his brain is already scrambled or something#so there's a chance perhaps he'd believe it if he had everyone constantly accussing him of it?#not like it'd matter much i have no hopes for the dsaf justice system i know its been 35 years since jack got framed but still#i just remembered when the option popped up i said ''god im really becoming steven 😭''#first time i made the joke too was when i said ''imagine your boss sucks so bad you turn suicidal'' no clue what the context was#OH YEAH JAKE SAYING HE'D RATHER FUCKING DIE THAN KEEP WORKING HERE yeah. poor guy.#anyway im derailing my own post again uhhh. yeah. yeah i dont trust any phoney is avoiding the death sentence#dsaf#roger jones#dsaf roger#btw just for the sake of yapping longer i truly cant decide whether harry or jake would survive better in the enviroment#probably jake to be honest. I mean Harry has a lot of experience inside freddy's but he didnt really live outside it muhc#jake is so confrontational though#hey did you guys watch the hit movie felon? sure that guy wasn't framed but. i feel like jake would end up w that attitude#except for. you know. everything else that happens in the hit movie felon.#hey actually forget about this game go watch the 10/10 movie Felon from 2008 starring Val Kilmer and Stephen Dorff#because its one of my all time fave movies and probably the saddest i've seen#not bc there arent movies that are more tragic but bc no movie was able to break thru my walls of idgaf and make me cry anyway#yeah you thought i couldnt bring up my movie fixations on my different fandom posts well you were WRONG in fact#im gonna go tag my other post i left untagged yesterday bc my ass was Cooking
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this kills me whyd he have to clock durge like that immediately like omg shes trying to play bad cop idiot!!!!!
#did she try to murder you last night. YES. can we move on PLEASE.#this took me out so bad i wasn't expecting it all esp cuz id done this scene a few times before already#h.txt#h plays bg3#bg3
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btw just in case i seem callous abt the whole dating situation i was just being rather swoony over (god forbid i try to romanticize this bleak ass life) i want to bring up that this person made me carry a heavy fuckin camera case which. did not care to do that. and then sat while i tried to figure out how the fuck to put the rig and everything together and like. once again did not care to be fucking around with it that was honestly just soo irritating. like they were trying to just have one little moment of feeling better abt themselves lmao maybe im being evil idk and then also they brought up their ex for the zillionth time bc apparently all of their hobbies are tied up w her. shocker. anyway i think they think they can fix me
#and also now that several of the dykes have discussed i do think it's weird that they so avoid saying lesbian#esp for themself. which is like fine u dont have to id as anything. but like u know the vibe when someone just... yeah idk.#abby talks#and also i was so clear about not wanting anything serious being too busy rn not wanting to string them along when thats not smth im#focused on. and i think theyre just going to hold out hope ill change my mind even tho i already like said what i felt#which is ALSO pissing me off cause then on the other hand i felt sooooooo bad last night. and for what#communicating my feelings? sorry it was a bit abrupt but bitch you are not in love with me u dont know me. UGH!#WHERE is dyke grindr maybe i just need to take a chance out there..
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ok im actually gonna post a ranking today at least of the standard edition i will start working on the second half today tho
#im finding it hard cuz the more i listen the more im like. yeah none of these really hit#listened to my faves off folkmore last night and had a lil cry bc of nostalgia and how good they are but also how its sad how none of the#new songs come close imo. again tho i havent listened to the second side enough to have a real.opinion so this is abt the first half#i have a very rough ranking like ik my bottom three but theres some where its like. theres one cool part. or i like the bottom half. and#within those its like. some are just mid and some have lyrics that bug me but the ones with bad lyrics sound better than the ones with mid#lyrics....and some of them are like. fine but feel self derivative to me and like just worse versions of folklore tracks#florida is esp hard for me like do i like it or not i really do not know but i think the florida duh duh duh duh duh duh duh is cool and i#like just how many times its repeated at the end. but the whole first verse is so boring and i find a lot of the lyrics in florences part#kinda cringe and cliche
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HEY I'm here to tell you that you're awesome and you are loved and I'm proud of you for giving it your all even when you're not feeling well
sob you're so sweet, thank you so much 🥺😭😭
#ask#thank u!!!#and thank u everyone for ur continued patience#tbh i had a bad break last night but i think. i think im okay now.#esp bc i was able to crank out 2 lined wips and a finished piece all this morning#so were starting to feel better!! were making progress!!
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Man, hallucinations galore right now. Woke up to voices and something beckoning in the middle of the night, it shook me well enough that it took me a few minutes to settle into the realisation that it wasn't real. And just now I woke suddenly because I heard an ambulance and for some reason my brain has convinced me there was a fire? 😬
#idk what's going on#the voices last night esp threw me off#i don't hear or see shit unless something bad's happening
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i hate dating apps so much. but what else is a guy supposed to do when he just goes to class and work basically.
#i had a making out dream the other night too...just never me a normal seex dream. that is so easy to handle.#but making out? falling in love? DESPERATE AND MISERABLE FOR ME#I suck at hitting on people irl bc i am so easily flustered so i couldnt even make a good attempt when i am interested.#and like pairing that with my anxiety disorder. Well i just cant until im given permission<3#i fucked up so bad with the last person i was seeing.#esp sucks bc i ended up not even being able to really work professional theatre rn so i have free time. Well. you win and lose some.#just need someone to show that type of interest in me. past just like. i guess being a friend that wants to make out or fuck.#Guy poorly containing all the love in his body at all times.
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yowch 🧍♂️
#ok medical tmi in the tags ->#ok i think ive pinpointed what frustrates me abt telling people i dont feel well#like it almost feels like a lie or just something i shouldnt talk abt bc like. ive been in a place docs would call 'bad' for like. 5-6 yrs#but within that time what i have felt has been SO varied. like. week to week day to day i the types of symptoms are so different#like this week ive been in a lot more pain but its been like isolated 5-10mins of very distressing pain. w almost nothing at other times#accopanied w like a really concerning amt of bathroom trips including like 3x a night which sucks for my sleep#and also my commute to work 🧍♂️#but like i remember in college there were periods where my number 1 distressing symptom was cramping throughout the day#or there have been periods where nausea and lack of appetite is the thing that worries me the most#idk now that ive typed that out it sounds so similar like its all gi symptoms. but it FEELS so different. its like a different illness#but to most other ppl its like. ive been sick with this one thing forever#idk idk i know most illnesses are kind of fluid like this and im not alone#but when ppl ask me how im doing and im like. well bad. its like i dont know how to express that its such a different bad than last tues#and like the degree of bad def changes but theyre all still bad. how do u communicate that esp to healthy ppl#oughghgghh im just. feeling so bad in such a diff way. its been a week but my pain has been real high#and like Dude. i am losing fluids 🧍♂️
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