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daggryet · 2 years

Note

hiii, was wondering if you could do the niki birthday party VOD since there's so much lore content in it and people have a hard time finding it/finding the parts their looking for when they wanna talk about it :)

i couldn't find the original vod on youtube, so i'm transcribing this video (every time there's a - to seperate sections, the video has made a cut)

hope that's okay, and sorry for the delay :D

LINK TO THE TRANSCRIPT

KARL: Wilbur, you didn’t see down here.

WILBUR: Oh, let me, sorry, I’m very-

KARL: This is where the party’s happening.

WILBUR: Ah, Niki, I see you’ve got your birthday meal of lamb, potato-

NIKI: Yeah!

KARL: Yeah.

WILBUR: Nothing like a munch of mutton to celebrate.

NIKI: Yes.

WILBUR: Gosh, I love flesh. What?

BADBOYHALO: What?

KARL: Is that- where is the blood from?

WILBUR: Huh? No, no, that’s just my dinner.

KARL: That’s your dinner?

NIKI: Oh, you already had dinner?

WILBUR: I have, but I can eat again, I can eat again.

NIKI: Okay, okay.

PUNZ: It’s spooky, spooky dinner table.

KARL: Is everybody here or are we waiting on Big Q?

NIKI: Oh yeah!

AWESAMDUDE: Oh, yeah, I made this table.

NIKI: Do you think he’s gonna come?

AWESAMDUDE: Everyone gets some pie

BADBOYHALO: Oh! Give me pie!

QUACKITY: Hey fellas!

KARL: Hello!

QUACKITY: I’m late to the big party, but that’s how you arrive in style.

KARL: It’s okay ‘cause we’re Christmas-ifying, we’re Christmas-ifying.

QUACKITY: Oh my gosh, coke!

WILBUR: We only have pepsi as well, I’m sorry

QUACKITY: Who the fuck is this?

AWESAMDUDE: Big Q. This is you, Big Q

QUACKITY: What?

WILBUR: Did you just say “who the fuck is this guy”?

QUACKITY: Yeah, I said, “who the hell is it”?

PUNZ: Yeah, I think it’s his long lost cousin

AWESAMDUDE: It’s ‘cause you’re late

WILBUR: What do you mean who the hell-? I’m Wilbur Soot!

QUACKITY: I’m not talking about you! Where are you actually?

WILBUR: You just said you were talking about me!

QUACKITY: You’re not even inside! You’re- we’re waiting for you!

KARL: Where are you?

WILBUR: *Screaming*

KARL: Niki, Niki, come on. Hurry, hurry.

NIKI: Yes, yes.

KARL: Come, over here, it’s just- it’s just not-

NIKI: This is our safe space, Karl.

QUACKITY: Hey!

PUNZ: Why are you not wearing a shirt?

KARL: Oh, you have a little snow fort!

WILBUR: I’m busy, Big Q. Please step away from my majesty.

QUACKITY: You said you wanted a hug, hug me now.

WILBUR: No.

QUACKITY: Uargh!

WILBUR: Big Q, you may stare at me and give me attention, but you may not touch.

QUACKITY: Oh, Wilbur.

NIKI: It’s just like museums’ artwork.

WILBUR: Yes. I am.

QUACKITY: Can I pet him? Can I pet him?

WILBUR: You may not pet me. I will end you.

QUACKITY: I just did. I just pet him. Does he bite?

WILBUR: First one to break gaze loses, let’s go.

AWESAMDUDE: Ladies and gentlemen, this is intense. The passion in Wilbur’s eyes.

NIKI: And here you see a wild Wilbur Soot and Quackity stare at each other. Who is going to break the tension first? We may never know.

AWESAMDUDE: Quackity with that smug smile he has. Wilbur with that fierce determination.

WILBUR: Hey Big Q? Big Q? Can we- can we roleplay for a minute?

QUACKITY: You wanna roleplay? Okay

WILBUR: Come closer to me. *Kissing sounds*

NIKI: Oh.

KARL begins critting WILBUR with his axe.

QUACKITY: What the fuck? Ey, ey! Woah, woah!

KARL: Hey, you can’t do that with Q!

QUACKITY: Woah, woah! Ladies, please! Please! Everyone, calm down!

KARL: That’s my mans!

QUACKITY: Calm down

KARL: That’s my mans!

WILBUR: It’s a birthday party. Now it’s a party,

QUACKITY: Karl, Karl, I need you to- I need you to, ehm-

WILBUR: I’m kissing the back of your neck now, Big Q, alright?

QUACKITY: Thank you. Oh, that feels so good, I was so tense today. All day today, I was so tense

WILBUR: You doing good at work?

QUACKITY: That feels- that feels really good. Yeah, no, I was stressed all day.

WILBUR: I know how you feel.

QUACKITY: Yeah, thank you.

WILBUR: I’m hugging you now.

BADBOYHALO: This is a weird birthday party.

QUACKITY: Ey, what, are you fucking jealous?

NIKI: Karl?

QUACKITY: What are you, fucking jealous?

NIKI: Karl?

AWESAMDUDE: I’ve never been to a birthday party like this.

QUACKITY: Badboyhalo is jealous ‘cause he’s single, oh, Badboyhalo is single

BADBOYHALO: I’ve never been to a birthday party like this.

WILBUR: Big Q, Big Q, I’ve cooked you a meal while you were down in the mines.

QUACKITY: Hey, hey, Karl, I’m gonna need you to show this picture on stream. Let’s see-

KARL: No!

BADBOYHALO: Skeppy! Join me in the other Discord real quick.

QUACKITY: Why-why would you bonk me, Wilbur? What the hell?

WILBUR: I didn’t- I didn’t like-

QUACKITY: I’m not into that!

WILBUR: Oh, I didn’t-

QUACKITY: If you bonk- you singlehandedly- you singlehandedly-

WILBUR: I think we’ve made people uncomfortable.

QUACKITY: You singlehandedly made three people leave.

KARL: Take off your outfit.

BADBOYHALO: There!

KARL: The pants!

BADBOYHALO: No!

KARL: No pants!

BADBOYHALO: Everyone, he’s making me take my pants off!

KARL: Guys, can we- can you please help me tell Badboyhalo to take his pants off?

BADBOYHALO: Fine, I took my pants off.

QUACKITY: I’ve never seen you without your pants off.

AWESAMDUDE: You’re in danger.

KARL: It took Punz seconds to turn this into a competitive sport.

QUACKITY: We’re bonding, we’re bonding.

WILBUR: Okay. *Sneeze* I don’t actually know the cords for “Happy Birthday”

KARL: Here, here, I’ll make you a stage

WILBUR: I’m gonna guess- I’m gonna guess-

QUACKITY: Nah, nah, I’ve got them for you, Wilbur.

KARL: Here you go.

WILBUR: Yeah, give me the cords, give me the cords.

QUACKITY: It’s- it’s C- it’s C major. G7, G7 again, F major-

KARL: Get off! Who is this nimrod?

QUACKITY: So, it’s happy = c, birthday to = G7, to you-

WILBUR: Okay, that’s good.

QUACKITY: Yeah, yeah. You got it, right? Okay.

WILBUR: Is it alright if I play it in a relative minor, just to add a little bit of suspense?

QUACKITY: Yes!

KARL: ‘Cause it is a haunted house.

WILBUR: Okay.

QUACKITY: Yes!

WILBUR: *Sings*

QUACKITY: Who the hell brought Blink-187 into this fucking party?

WILBUR: You gotta- you gotta cry, Quackity, let out a tear.

QUACKITY: Oh!

WILBUR: *Sad singing*

QUACKITY: Oh!

WILBUR: *Sad singing*

QUACKITY: Hey Karl, fuck your cobwebs. Honestly.

WILBUR: *Sad singing*

QUACKITY: Hey, this is- wouldn’t you say this is the most depressing birthday you’ve had yet?

NIKI: I’m actually really enjoying it. Like, honestly, seriously.

QUACKITY: Why do you lie all the time? Why do you- you can be honest!

KARL: You can tell us.

QUACKITY: You can say how depressing this all is

NIKI: No! I- I’m, like, genuinely happy to have this evening with you.

WILBUR: I’m single, by the way, ladies

QUACKITY: Say no more.

KARL: Do the thing! Do the thing, Quackity.

QUACKITY: Sorry. No, no, no. You haven’t paid me.

WILBUR: Thank you, that was my brief arrangement.

QUACKITY: Wow, woo!

BADBOYHALO: Yay!

QUACKITY: Can you make a version that doesn’t make us wanna die?

WILBUR: Eh, I can- I have some original songs.

BADBOYHALO: Nah, that’s alright.

WILBUR: This one’s called “I hope-“

BADBOYHALO: That’s okay! Thank you, Wilbur.

WILBUR: This one’s called “I hope no one dies on my birthday”

BADBOYHALO: Alright, here we go, let’s sing happy birthday.

KARL: How do we still hear him?

BADBOYHALO: Oh my goodness…

KARL: The noise gate isn’t working.

BADBOYHALO: I think we may need to put sand on him.

NIKI: No, no, no! No, guys, no!

QUACKITY: You’re not scared of killing the guitarist, though?

BADBOYHALO: Oh my goodness.

KARL: Not Bad killing the guitarist. I, ehm-

NIKI: “Not Bad killing the guitarist”

BADBOYHALO: It’s a good name for a song. Wilbur, play one round of “Bad killing the guitarist”

WILBUR, singing: Please don’t murder me, Badboyhalo!

KARL: Can I do vocals? Can I do vocals?

KARL: Let me turn you up

WILBUR, singing: I’m so scared, Karl!

KARL, singing: AH! Badboyhalo wants to kill Wilbur. AH! Nothing’s gonna happen because Bad can’t do it. AH! Bad, please stop killing Wilbur. AH! Now Bad’s killing me. AH! Wilbur’s escaping. AH! I don’t know where Wilbur went, Bad, ‘cause you can’t kill him.

BADBOYHALO: Mhm.

NIKI: Oh my gosh. Where did he go?

KARL: I guess you can’t kill him. I guess you can’t kill him, Bad.

KARL: Ehm, Niki?

NIKI: What?

BADBOYHALO: I will do my best.

KARL: Can you, eh, can you please sit at the table next to the cake?

NIKI: Mhm.

KARL: There’s a- there’s a surprise birthday present for you.

NIKI: Really?

KARL: Yeah, yeah. Okay, everybody else, everybody else, stand over here. Everybody else, stand over here.

BADBOYHALO: Shouldn’t we sing happy birthday?

KARL: Bad, no, not yet, not yet. Trust me, not yet. Okay, guys, ready?

BADBOYHALO: Yes.

KARL: Quackity? Come on out.

QUACKITY comes out, with autotuned and bad sounding music (in terms of audio, not the song).

KARL: You’re wearing a chest plate, you’re wearing a chest plate.

NIKI: What are you- what is- are you-?

QUACKITY: Bring up Badboyhalo! Come on up here, mister!

KARL: Come on up, Bad! Come on! Come on! Bad, go, go, it’s really important.

BADBOYHALO: Stop

SKEPPY: Bad, go!

BADBOYHALO left the game.

NIKI: Well.

QUACKITY: Sam!

AWESAMDUDE: Ey!

NIKI: Way!

QUACKITY: Yeah!

KARL: It’s shaking its head!

KARL: Go ahead, show him the work.

QUACKITY: Alright, alright, ready?

WILBUR: I’m ready. Do I get to be on the cake?

KARL: You can stand on the cake, yeah.

QUACKITY: You are the cake, baby.

QUACKITY starts his music again and takes off his clothes.

QUACKITY: Yeah! Yeah!

KARL: Okay, guys-

QUACKITY: Are you ready to sing happy birthday?

KARL: Yes!

NIKI: Is Wil here? Wil?

WILBUR: I saw things, I saw things…

NIKI: Oh no… are you okay?

KARL: It’s gonna be okay, you know that, right?

WILBUR: I- yeah- I…

NIKI: It will be alright, Wilbur.

WILBUR: I stared at the void, and the void stared back.

NIKI: Do you wanna wait?

QUACKITY: Anyways, I brought KFC, guys! Everyone, have a piece!

KARL: No chance! No chance! Free KFC? No chance, bucko!

FUNDY: What’s going on with Wil? Like, why is he-?

KARL: Oh, wait, Fundy didn’t see. One second. Everyone back to the corner, back to the corner.

NIKI: No! No!

KARL: Fundy!

NIKI: We’ve been through this!

FUNDY: What happened?

KARL: Fundy, stand on the- stand on the-

NIKI: No!

KARL: Fundy, can you please stand on the cake? Guys, guys, come to the corner.

BADBOYHALO: Oh my goodness…

FUNDY: What- eh? Is that what happened to Wilbur because then I don’t-

KARL: No, no, no, you’re good, you’re good.

BADBOYHALO: Go stand there.

KARL: Can you go stand on the bed over there? That pink bed. Maybe turn around, the pink bed.

FUNDY: Who, me?

KARL: Yeah, yeah, Fundy, yeah, yeah. Perfect. Let’s go for it, Quackity.

QUACKITY: Alright, alright.

Autotune is back.

QUACKITY: Welcome Fundy!

KARL: Fundy, come to the cake!

QUACKITY: I have something to tell you, Fundy!

FUNDY: What- what are you doing?

KARL: That’s a-

QUACKITY: Yeah! Woo!

KARL: What do you think?

QUACKITY: You’re gonna pay me for this, right?

KARL: Yeah, man, yeah- oh!

FUNDY left the game.

KARL: Oop, Fundy.

NIKI: No! No!

KARL: Are you kidding me? Take off your armor! Quackity, get back on a seat!

BADBOYHALO: Let’s sing happy birthday

KARL: Sam, you got in my seat!

BADBOYHALO: We saw what happened to Wilbur when he wasn’t wearing armor.

QUACKITY: I’m putting my pants off.

WILBUR: Yeah, you saw what happened to me, high five, Bad!

NIKI: No! What?

WILBUR is killed.

WILBUR: Oh.

BADBOYHALO: We need the cake.

KARL: Ehm, I want to let everybody know; Technoblade is not at his computer, but he wishes the best for the-the-the birthday, that’s what it’s called.

NIKI: Aww. For the birthday

BADBOYHALO: Happy birthday!

KARL: Wilbur!

NIKI: Wil!

BADBOYHALO: Wilbur, welcome back

WILBUR: Give me attention, give me attention

KARL: Wilbur! It’s him, guys!

Everyone cheered.

NIKI: We’re so happy to have you here.

KARL: Okay, let’s take a seat.

WILBUR: Big Q? You haven’t said anything

QUACKITY: Hey Wilbur!

WILBUR: Give me attention, you gotta say- you haven’t said anything.

QUACKITY: Oh, sorry, I was getting my… it’s none of my business. Hey Wilbur! It’s so good to see you here, man.

WILBUR: Thank you. Alright, let’s sing happy birthday.

KARL: Alright! Quackity, take it away!

QUACKITY: Okay… happy birthday, Karl!

Everyone singing.

KARL: Happy birthday, dear Niki-not-Karl

AWESAMDUDE: Happy birthday

BADBOYHALO: Okay, now that we sang happy birthday, Karl, let’s sing it to-

KARL: Quackity! Quackity, do you know whose birthday it is? Quackity?

QUACKITY: Who the fuck slammed a bottle on the table?

QUACKITY sings happy birthday to BADBOYHALO.

BADBOYHALO: I’m about to murder someone.

KARL: Sounds Skeppy

QUACKITY: Oh, Wilbur’s here! My bad.

QUACKITY sings happy birthday to WILBUR

WILBUR: Thank you, thank you, thank you. I’m glad I’m getting the appreciation I deserve

QUACKITY: Guys, guys!

WILBUR: I’m glad I’m so finally getting the attention that I deserve.

QUACKITY: You just got out of rehab? Happy getting rehab to you-

WILBUR: Thank you, thank you. Thank you, thank you, I still have a very bad drug problem, but I’m okay-

KARL: Oh! I think it’s-

QUACKITY: You’re an addict, Wilbur, you’re an addict, Wilbur. You’re an addict, you are

BADBOYHALO: Stop it!

WILBUR: I’m enjoying these songs less and less.

BADBOYHALO: Wilbur!

KARL: Okay, it did take a lot of organization-

NIKI: Very.

KARL: Alright, Quackmeister?

QUACKITY: Hurry up, man!

KARL: Quackmeister, it’s you! Do happy birthday! And then we can eat the cake- oop! I didn’t think, I’m sorry.

QUACKITY: Fuck! Fuck! Okay, alright, let’s do-

BADBOYHALO: Language!

QUACKITY: I’m gonna curse all I want, I don’t give a shit what Boy says-

BADBOYHALO: Hey!

QUACKITY: I’m gonna curse all I want-

BADBOYHALO: You wanna die?

QUACKITY: I don’t give a fucking shit-

BADBOYHALO: You can stop trolling or I’ll kill him again.

QUACKITY: Alright, Jesus, chill out. Chill out, man.

KARL: Okay, say happy birthday

QUACKITY: *Sings happy birthday*

EVERYONE: *Sings happy birthday*

NIKI: Yeah! Thank you, everyone!

PUNZ: Yeah!

NIKI: Yeah!

BADBOYHALO: Very good job, Quackity

QUACKITY, singing: Your eyes are gorgeous, you’re dark and beautiful, you’re gorgeous

BADBOYHALO: Okay, okay, it’s time for presents

WILBUR: Big Q! Thank you, Quackity, thank you

KARL: You guys are honking up- oh, wait! We have to turn it into Christmas now.

QUACKITY: You like my bicycle hat?

NIKI: Mhm! It’s really pretty, I like it

KARL: Are we gonna Christmas-ify the-?

QUACKITY: It’s not supposed to look pretty.

BADBOYHALO: Let’s go, Skeppy

SKEPPY: Bye!

BADBOYHALO: Later, guys!

KARL: Bye!

WILBUR: Big Q, I can see you. Big Q, our eyes are locked, our eyes are locked across the room.

NIKI: Bye!

WILBUR: Bye, bye.

QUACKITY: Sing for me.

WILBUR: *Plays I’m in Love With An E-Girl* This is a song I wrote for you, Quackity.

QUACKITY: Really?

WILBUR: It’s out of tune

NIKI: Oh shit

QUACKITY: I got it. I’m in love with an, I’m in love with an e-girl

NIKI: I guess this is our only friend now

KARL: Just adding more snow…

NIKI: Oh, is it- is it two? Oh, yeah! Thanks!

KARL: How do I take his hat-helmet off?

NIKI: Ehm… shears, I think

WILBUR, singing: Well, it’s 2.45 pm, Alex, wake up from snoring, open Alex’s dms, can a red bull by my bed, and I’m- Alex is there, snapchat from Alex is read

QUACKITY: Yeah…

KARL: Wow…

WILBUR, singing: What’s popping, Big Q?

QUACKITY: My love for, eh…everyone!

WILBUR, singing: He’s beauty, he’s grace

KARL: Wow!

WILBUR: Minecraft skin of a peach, and-and that’s it

QUACKITY: Yeah…

WILBUR, singing: Just a single message more, send him riding down my heathen chord

QUACKITY: Oh my gosh, oh my gosh

NIKI: I have- I have iron in my ender chest

WILBUR, singing: I want it so bad, one to fall asleep on call with, I make you forget

KARL: What is this?

QUACKITY: Practicing

KARL: Just practicing? That’s it?

QUACKITY: Yeah, that’s it.

KARL: Okay, sweet.

WILBUR, singing: Everything that came before you, I love- like you, and you are also like a-

KARL: He hit him with the like

WILBUR, singing: Let’s skip to the good bit, that’s consumed me on Minecraft connection. I’m in love with an, I’m in love with an, I’m in love with a Big Q

NIKI: Oh!

KARL: OH!

WILBUR, singing: I’m in love with a-

KARL: He’s just practi- no, it’s okay.

WILBUR, singing: -Big Q. I’m in love with a, I’m in love with a, I’m in love with a Big Q. I’m in love with a, I’m in love with an, I’m in love with Big Q.

KARL: Woah, he’s just practicing?

WILBUR: Just practicing, yeah, yeah

QUACKITY: Just practicing.

QUACKITY: I gotta make sure these are the right chords.

QUACKITY, singing: Wake up in the morning

WILBUR: Yes, yes, that’s a good way to start

QUACKITY: What?

WILBUR: I said it’s a good way to start a song

KARL: Wait, should I- how do I use a name tag?

NIKI: Eh, you just click on them.

QUACKITY, singing: It’s Wilbur streaming, then I see he’s streaming with me today, and it seems like he’s fully ignoring me

NIKI: Is it not working?

QUACKITY, singing: Oh no, looks like Wilbur is already dating someone. Oh no-

WILBUR: I am?

KARL names the name tag for the snowman, NIKI JR

QUACKITY, singing: -looks like Wilbur is already dating someone. Look at my counter, I see a knife-

NIKI: Oh, wait! Oh, wait! Oh my gosh!

WILBUR: Big Q, that’s TOS.

NIKI: Aw!

KARL: Yeah?

NIKI: Thank you, Karl!

KARL: Of course!

QUACKITY, singing: Wilbur is going […] I am fucking pissed, why’s he not dating someone who starts with a Q?

KARL: Wait… is this practice?

QUACKITY, singing: Wilbur, please, come back home. Our daughter misses you

KARL: Come on, let’s go. Let’s listen to them practice

NIKI: Okay. I wanna get my friend with me, though

KARL: Oh!

QUACKITY, singing: Wilbur, please come, please come home to me.

The snowman falls through the stairs.

NIKI: Oh!

KARL: Oh!

WILBUR, singing: Big Q, the moment I saw your twin town videos in my recommended section

QUACKITY: I never raided Twin Town, but yeah

WILBUR, singing: Shut the fuck up-

KARL: Woah!

WILBUR, singing: You are big piece of shit, I’m just tryna pour my heart out, all you’re doing is shutting me down, like you shut down this party; yeah, I said it. You ruined-

KARL: Ah!

WILBUR, singing: -Niki’s birthday bash-

KARL: Apparently, the snowman’s gonna die

NIKI: No!

WILBUR, singing: With your stupid acts of unpresented sexual agitated dancing-

QUACKITY: He’s right

WILBUR, singing: I am never gonna invite you to anything I do-

KARL: Here

NIKI: Oh!

WILBUR, singing: ‘Cause you’re a fucking piece of shit, and I can’t fucking stand you.

QUACKITY: Okay… oh

WILBUR, singing: But, you’re still really hot-

KARL: True!

WILBUR, singing: You’re boring me with all your little indecisive bullshit actions-

QUACKITY: Okay.

WILBUR, singing: You are the perfect one for me if you promise you never speak, and you just stand there in my room, looking pretty

KARL: Wow…

QUACKITY strumming the guitar.

KARL: Yeah!

WILBUR: Yeah, yeah

QUACKITY, singing: I fucking hate you-

KARL: Yeah!

QUACKITY, singing: I fucking hate you, I fucking despise you, everything you say about me in front of me-

WILBUR: I love this new hundred GEC strat

KARL: Oh, you don’t need to hear- have you heard his 100 GECS?

WILBUR: I’ve never heard his 100 GECS

KARL: Quackity, switch to 100 GECS, hurry

QUACKITY: Huh?

KARL: Switch to 100 GECS

QUACKITY strums the guitar.

QUACKITY, singing: I fucking hate you, I fucking hate what you do, you treat me like ass-

WILBUR: Sounds like a sex bit

QUACKITY, singing: As I’m […] your ass

KARL: I don’t think this is- what is this?

QUACKITY sings.

KARL: That was-

QUACKITY, singing: You can kiss my ass, but you’d have to wait in line, you don’t deserve me, my presence, or my rhymes. I despise you, I despise you, I despise you so much, I despise you, I despise you so much

KARL: The CatJams are flying

QUACKITY, singing: Wilbur Soot, you’re a dick, you don’t deserve all of this, you’re a narcissistic- I stopped midway because you don’t deserve any more lyrics from me.

KARL: Let’s go!

QUACKITY, through a muffled mic: Hhhhhhh

WILBUR: He sounds like-

KARL: Corpse? Is that Corpse?

WILBUR: He’s Corpse Husband!

QUACKITY, in deep voice: Choke me like you like me

KARL: Did you see his tweet? Choke me like choke me ‘cause you choke me

QUACKITY: Choke me like you choke me like you choke me. Choke me like you choke me, and choke me at the grocery, I’m shopping, choke me like you choke me

KARL: Wow. Just when we thought this party couldn’t get any better. Everybody left and then Corpse showed up

QUACKITY: How’s it going? Choke me like you choke me

WILBUR: Have my babies!

QUACKITY: *Deep breathing*

WILBUR: Impregnate me!

QUACKITY: *Deep breathing*

WILBUR: Make me pregnant.

QUACKITY: *Deep breathing* Choke me- uahahaha

WILBUR: I crave your seed.

QUACKITY: Wow

KARL: I love your hands

QUACKITY: Hello everyone, how’s it going?

KARL: Oh, the 100 GECS

WILBUR: My womb is throbbing

QUACKITY: Oohhh

KARL: Okay…

Guitar strumming. QUACKITY and WILBUR sing “Send Me On My Way”

KARL: I just realized we did the part- we did the birthday party at a haunted mansion instead of an island, I literally named Party Island.

NIKI: Oh, yeah! But we did it together, Karl.

KARL: Oh, but we did- yeah, that makes sense. Oh?

QUACKITY and WILBUR whistle.

QUACKITY: Hey, hey, play me some party in the USA.

WILBUR: Yeah, sure, but also, Niki, what would you said if last year you told yourself that on your birthday, you’d be trending on Twitter?

NIKI: I’m trending?

KARL: Oh! You are! You are for me.

NIKI: Oh!

QUACKITY and WILBUR play Party in The USA. KARL and NIKI join in a little.

QUACKITY, singing: Wilbur, now I know, I messed, I was wrong-

NIKI: Oh

QUACKITY, singing: Wilbur, I’m sorry, I neglected you, oh, I never expected feeling this empty, your stream right now would sound like music to me, please come home ‘cause I miss you, Wilbur. Wilbur, come home-

KARL: Oh! Woah!

KARL thinks QUACKITY and WILBUR were kissing.

QUACKITY: Hey Wilbur

WILBUR: Yeah?

QUACKITY, singing: Wilbur, can’t you see? I was blind- hold on. Wilbur, can’t you see? I was blind, I’ll do anything to change your mind, more than a streamer, you’re my best friend – too cool to forget. Come back, I don’t fucking know this part- Wilbur, come home. Wilbur, come home. Wilbur, come home.

KARL: How do all these-?

NIKI: Wilbur!

QUACKITY, singing: Wilbur, I’m subscribed to your channel, it’s a tier 3, but I cancelled it. Wilbur, if you come back I’ll renew my sub, I’ll do a 13 months and that’s more than enough for you to come back and stay with me. Your response right now would sound like music to me

WILBUR: Quackity…

QUACKITY, singing: Please, come home because I miss you, Wilbur

WILBUR: This- this coral block is as vibrant as our love

WILBUR places yellow coral.

KARL: Oh. I thought that was practice…

The coral turns grey.

QUACKITY: Oh my gosh… what happened?

KARL: Oh…

QUACKITY: What the-?

NIKI: Oh…

QUACKITY: What the hell?

WILBUR: You’re scum.

QUACKITY: Wha-what? What?

WILBUR: You’re scum. You’re scum. Look at me. Don’t look away from me. Stop being terrified of me. Look at me.

QUACKITY: What? What do you want?

WILBUR: I’m gonna blow up Manberg.

QUACKITY: What-?

WILBUR: And you’re gonna watch.

KARL: Woah, woah, woah

WILBUR: Ah, we’ve come full circle, we’ve come full circle. We’ve come full circle!

QUACKITY: No, no

KARL: Wait!

QUACKITY: No chance

WILBUR: The minute it goes wrong, I’m there.

KARL: I mean, he literally is here.

QUACKITY: I’ll go through with it, Wilbur. I’ll go through with the planned bomb if it-

KARL: Planned bomb?

WILBUR: When. When are you going to go through with this meeting?

QUACKITY: Give me a couple days. I gotta- I gotta set up a few things.

WILBUR: Tell you what, tell you what. If-if you haven’t done it by Friday, I’m detonating it.

QUACKITY: Okay… okay.

WILBUR: I wanna be watching that meeting stream, alright? I’m gonna be watching that stream of you before Friday.

QUACKITY: Alright. Okay. You’ve- you’ve given me a timeline. I’ll tell you soon, okay?

WILBUR: Thank you!

WILBUR leaves the call.

QUACKITY: Fuck’s sake, man!

NIKI: Oh my gosh!

QUACKITY: For fuck’s sake! Oh my gosh, what the fuck just happened?

KARL: Oh my gosh!

QUACKITY: Oh, I gotta fucking figure this shit out

NIKI: Oh…

QUACKITY: I gotta fucking figure this shit out…

NIKI: Oh my gosh…

KARL: What do you need to figure out?

NIKI: He needs you to do something, Quackity. Karl, he’s gonna blow the fucking place up

QUACKITY: No, no, no, I’ll figure it out. Just-just know that we’ll… Manberg is staying, alright? Manburg is gonna stay.

KARL: Manberg forever.

NIKI: L’Manberg!

KARL: Yeah… that’s what I said.

NIKI: L’Manberg.

KARL: That’s what I said. Oh, Quackity’s gone.

NIKI: Oh… bye Quackity.

KARL: It’s just like how the stream started

NIKI: Yes! Exactly!

KARL: Yay!

NIKI: That was great. Really! I know I’ve been saying that a lot, but I can’t thank everyone enough for- for this.

KARL: Of course! It’s your birthday

NIKI: It’s so nice

KARL: Happy Birthday, Niki!

NIKI: Thank you, Karl!

#ask #anon #aurora transcription #long post #in case the read more clitches

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f-ferrari-forever · 2 years

Note

Primarily an F1 fan but for some reason I have a very few pieces of knowledge about skating and I would like second opinions on things if that’s ok??? So I have a list of these

A) eteri tutberidze

B) kostornaia, lipnitskaya and valievain particular bc I love(d) their skating and also trusova and scherbakova

C) Beijing Winter Olympics??? Diplomatic boycotts? Also potential winners?

A) Eteri

I am not a fan of her training technique as a whole, not just the way they teach jumps at Sambo-70, but also the intense repetition approach. It works in mentally demanding fields. In sports, especially in figure skating, it has been proven to lead to long-term injuries and abrupt career endings. I used to be more reserved in terms of talking about my dislike of her as a coach, but the consistent children blaming, and especially the last interview she did made me want to be a little more outspoken. I'm not gonna put a name to it, but it gets you wondering a little what type of person decides that separating a child from their mother is a healthy motivation for winning an Olympic medal.

B) Kostornaia — my favourite Russian lady of the last quad. Her artistry is undeniable, and I do believe that comes mostly from her previous coach. She’s also quite sassy, and reportedly has been the one person to say no to Eteri when she felt her body was not able to sustain the harsh training. Good for her in my opinion, and fingers crossed it will keep her in the game long enough to get to Milan 2026, hopefully with a coach that cares about their athlete's wellbeing.

Yulia — a hard one for me, because while I wasn’t huge on figure skating back in 2014, I do remember watching her performance and being entranced by her. Her spins are exquisite, maybe not quite Lucinda Ruh-level, but definitely at the top. What happened to her should have never happened, that last performance at Rostelecom 2016 made me cry when I watched it, and I’m glad she’s happy and healthy now. Hopefully, she will become an awesome coach and be able to share her experience positively, so that no athlete has to go through what she did.

Valieva — I’m not the biggest fan of her programs, as I don't feel anything when I watch her skate, just "oh my god, the score is growing exponentially", but she seems like such a sweet girl that I want her to succeed just so I don't have to see her upset. Her spins are beautiful, she has amazing flexibility. Jumping technique—classic Eteri (I like her extension out of the jumps, but the take-off on some of them is ify), but that’s not Kami’s fault in any way. I just wish her programs were better and something she connected with more, but again, that's on Gleikh, not on her. I hope she has a long enough career that we get to see her perform better programs.

Sasha — I love her, she’s my second favourite after Aliona. The power in her jumps is phenomenal, and to me, she seems like the most likely skater out of that camp to make it past adolescence. Her artistry is not the best there is, but I really like the Frida program, I think it suits her well and she did improve tremendously this season in terms of interpretation.

Anna — like Kami, she’s not my top skater, but her resilience is undeniable. She has such a strong mental game for a 17-year-old. Her jumps—Eteri technique, take–off is bad on some of them, her spins are sometimes messy as well, and I do think her programs this year are kind of boring. That being said, her FS from Nationals last year is one of my favourite performances she’s ever done. I also really like the music and her costume. She is a product of the environment she’s essentially grown up in, and I hope when she inevitably retires, her body is not that affected by the training style.

C) With how little tiny o is going, I can't say I'd be surprised if it gets postponed one year. About the diplomatic boycott, I understand why it is being done. It's maybe too political for what I am comfortable with, but it's valid, those horrible things are happening and they should be acknowledged in a way that is visible world-wide, and this is a peaceful way to do so, especially given the political circumstances.

Potential winners, I'm only gonna do Ladies, because everything else can be easily jinxed, I think.

Realistically:

Gold—Kamila

Silver—Sasha

Bronze—Anna or Kaori

How I want it to go:

Gold—Sasha

Silver—Kamila

Bronze—Wakaba or Kaori or Mana or Loena

#pi answers figure skating things

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cadaceus · 2 years

Text

C3E19

Ladies and gentlefolk, we have finally arrived at the day that we have all been waiting for: MOON LORE. I am excited to further discover more things about this world Matt has created and there were some other great moments in this episode too! Full liveblogs with spoilers for Campaign 3, Episode 19 are below!

- “What are we doing here again?” ME TOO FCG

- Is it confirmed that Orym’s husband died in the attack on Zephrah that was similar to the attack on the twins? Because if so his investment in this case is even more tragic... :(

- Other realms beyond this one.... such as the Fae realm plus others..? I am intrigued

- ASTRONOMICAL.... SUCH AS THE MOON

- MOON LORE

- RUIDUS BORN??? OMEN ARCHIVE??? THIS IS MORE THAN I WAS EXPECTING

- I hope whoever made that one hour long Ruidus Conspiracy Video during quarantine is feeling very validated right now

- IS THIS WATER LIME JUICE LMAO.

- Everyone’s “Frog hands” are so funny sfgshjk but also Ruh Roh Fearne

- I appreciate the “Dead Pool” pun on Sam’s gas can but I do not appreciate this betting pool on the horses deaths fghjksl LEAVE THEM ALONE!! (... $5 on Sir Floppers)

- Imogen saying “Seriously Laudna, let’s move here after everything” was like an arrow to the heart dear goodness...the implications that they will stay together for as long as they are able....the omniscient knowledge of the audience that their journey is far from over.....oh Imodna my beloveds....

- the ify shoutout :D

- “How do you assist?” / Orym: “By smiling! I’m smiling :)” MOOD but also I admit I am charmed

- Can I move to this town with Laudna and Imogen it sounds so sweet and lovely, like something straight out of a small town farming/dating sim

- Did Sam change his shirt after break?

- The Lumas twins being killed right after saying something about finding important information..... the plot thickens.....

- “No one really talks to me” oh Mood random NPC

- Estani reminds me of that “the Old Astronomer” poem

- Oh I wonder who those figures in Imogen’s dream were, if not her mother! Ruidusborn maybe...? Maybe some sort of divine figure...? The groups going after the Ruidusborn...?

- “I would murder everything around us if anything happened to you.” HELLO???? LAUDNA??? Oh my god, with just this one episode Laudna/Imogen is becoming my favorite ship of the campaign

- the markings GREW? ruh roh

- “Well last time they were about this long--not that I’m staring at you intently--and now..” HELP Fearne is so funny, that part made me laugh

- Okay so the goal for both teams is to find a lapis earring calling the Wind Folly before sunrise!

- Also I’m loving this presenter’s energy LMAO give us everything Caeser Flickerman

- NEXT TIME IS HEIST TIME LET’S GO !!!!

- This episode was such good set-up for the heist to come, not to mention all of the MOON LORE that we were given!! If you want to see my liveblogs for past and future episodes of this campaign my tag for them all is right here ^-^

#c3 liveblog #critical role #c3e19 #RUIDUSBORN?? THE MOON LORE IS DRIVING ME CRAZY #i love all that we learned here also imogen my beloved #laura is such an amazing actress

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ludwigfanfunkoven · 3 years

Text

I beat RE8 and I loved it

here’s what I have to say about it. fun fact: spoilers ahead

the game is fucking silly. it’s above silly. from lady D slicing off your hand and you just... slapping it back on and pouring some delicious healing soup onto it(which has an explanation further below!) to chris “absolute abortion” redfield telling you you seriously need to learn to stay out of shit when people ask you to in front of... well, this

(yes that is a wacky killdozer with a supercharged engine hanging off its ass and a recoilless cannon, .50 machine gun, and fucking chainsaw on it)

honestly? I love how wacky it is. I was never in a situation where I was spooked(outside of the babby monster in beneviento’s section, that thing was hilariously morbid and wicked awesome but also unsettling to have chasing you), but I was always interested in more. but let me dump some MASSIVE spoilers by telling you what points were good and what points were great

so, first off, you essentially start off at lady D’s sick castle, which obviously has had the most effort put into it since it feels the longest of all of the sections by far, plus the sheer abundance of lore in regards to lady D and her daughters compared to the almost 0 lore of beneviento and like 3 parcels of lore on moreau, only matching heisenberg in terms of actual fleshing(pun intended. because, spoilers, heisenberg’s schtick is NOT werewolves as you may have thought, but basically just killing floor fleshpounds)

in regards to lady D and her daughters, I feel dimitrescu herself and heisenberg are the only characters to actually have depth to them as well in terms of antagonists, with moreau just kinda playing the sad sack who’s bitter because he knows he’s a failure and beneviento having... nothing, really. her daughters, however, are thin as a fucking board with their only actual depth coming from their voice lines which... depending on how you play, you might not even hear that much of! also I felt they died off way too quick, as well.

dimitrescu’s boss fight was kinda cool but pretty scripted feeling, beneviento had no bossfight, moreau was definitely a fun one, and heisenberg was a bit boring but still super cool because of you riding around in the TURBO KILLDOZER

also this

(how does he know that?)

the mercenaries is genuinely enjoyable, and ethan’s daughter is p cute when she grows up and I like the implication that....

(XBOX HUEG SPOILERS BELOW)

ready?

are you sure?

well, you asked for it!

...she’s probably going to be the new ethan in re9, considering ethan fucking dies at the end. probably. it WAS offscreen so... maybe. but he’s totally fucking donezo.

spencer being revealed to have been a student under miranda pre(or post?)-mold-ifying with the name of umbrella and the logo itself actually coming from a symbol that happened to be here in this village in a cave was cool but simultaneously fucking silly. come on now. please stop tying umbrella into goofy shit like this, I beg of you. either let it die or go back to raccoon city!

ethan being revealed to have 100% fucking died when jack baker stomps your skull in at the beginning of re7 and literally being JUST MOLD being the answer to him having these wacky regnerative abilities and being able to literally slap arms/legs on and reattach them with the greatest of ease is cool, but also silly. ironically he goes through 90% of the game with a chunk+2 fingers missing from his left hand and it looks very silly.

chris being a blue umbrella spook operative complete with NVGs that go down in dark rooms when you briefly play as him is cool, and I like his cool lycan-hunting squad of blue umbrella spook mooks(although unlike mooks I don’t think a single one dies. very good, chris! you’ve achieved the perfect status of not having a single man(or woman) under you meet an untimely demise) but I think the BSAA going rogue and deploying babby tyrants decked out in tactical gear is a bit... silly.

the village also being the absolute center and origin of the mold is something I can live with, but WHY IS THERE SO MUCH DULVEY BEER IN SOME EASTERN EUROPEAN VILLAGE

anyway, I loved it and I think it’s easily my goty and I seriously hope we get dlc where we play as chris’s group of blue umbrella spooks hunting down lycans, because that shit was cool

#re8 #resident evil 8 #spoilers #resident evil 8 spoilers #resident evil #inb4 I rambled on and forgot to finish like 5 sentences

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throwingideasatthewall · 3 years

Text

Clone Wars: Season 2

Episode 1 Holocron Heist

We just had a heist

[One nonsense enough to knock me into nonsensical incoherent rambling...]

Two

Okay...

I’m prepared...

To do. nonsense...

Urgh

Okay..

[Title Screen]

[Woah!]

.... ..

Aight

Okay

A lesson learned, A lesson earned

Oh..

That snapped me out of it,

A lesson earned is a lesson earned

[you don’t need a person to tell you basic common sense you can figure out yourself]

....

Assumed authority is bullshit Don’t need to earn any- [Sorry, Still Recov- er- ing From Last ep- Isode]

Okay...

Any-way

Jedi on a planet . .

Some-how tr ap ped - Surrounded Clones - Right- - Why?

Like - if you needed parts-

Okay-

I’m in

-terested

Any way...

Wait cruisers?

Gun ships? R-escue

Oh wait-

That’s Good

Oh No,

It’s Plo..

Jokes About How He Got His Men Blown Up Just gonna put this over here

Been a while

Also Hey yeah what is he doing here?

Doesn’t he have Jedi things to do?

Get a new fleet?

I mean th- (Don’t Condone Child So- L diers!)

But every time it’s always Obi-Wan and Anakin because all the rest of them are too busy

So What-

Alright - Whelp - I don’t care —-

Whelp — Ex-plo — Is this just going to be an action piece? (Nothing wrong with that; just need a different mindset,)

From the applications of child soldiers - To Shoot-

-Why?

It’s- Nice-

-Droids

Plo-

General-

Ev-

Neat-

Good-

Whelp-

Grab ‘em to the medic And Go!

(Seriously Windu figured this out yesterday.)

Grunts

You’d think the Jedi would give the order?

Seriously, Good miss, Five Min- Got Some One- Killed

“ Asoka,”

First Asoka mention in the first five minutes

[maybe they got her character better.]

-Jungle

You sent- A child

That Logically can’t improvise ... Into a jungle

....

The

Fuck

Skywalker?

Con-tact Her - Dead - She’s very likely dead- - Anyway - Hope Anakin taught her those moves- - That’s a lot of emotion - In the movements; Again;

Monotonous, Stunted, Robo Tot -ic

That’s How Child-

Nope-

Tone’s Off

So, just to go over;

1. Tone ❌ 2. Dia- Log Ue- (?)

3. Move -ment ❌

I’m hop-

Extract-

Taught-

Okay-

Teach -ing s

Aight Mary Sue-

I’m sorry but the light is literally coming out!

Whelp-

Okay-

So it’s Ahsoka an adult yet?

Like that can be explained away as acco-untability

Otherwise, she should have a hard time with one Droid!

(No wait didn’t Obi-Wan just call her ‘young one ‘)?

Nope!

Movie, get over there in your shame corner

That- Was painful over- reacting

And Focus-

I Don’t - You couldn’t have forced it more if you tried -

The Force- d cha- nge i -n Perspective Not Apprec -iate D- . . . . Moving on

Whelp ...

Get In -

That’s a direct order- -

“Can’t-”

Nope!

That’s It-

Tone ❌

Dialogue; ❌,?

Move; ❌ Ment

Turn in your bad

writing card,

Movie

❌

(Not a series strike, Just A “Fuck You, Strike

On the Movie And, This Chara -cter

(We just had such a good-

Maybe; it gets better?

Skipped ahead; It doesn’t

Sigh-

*Puts on earmuffs

Meta-phorically

Aight Back To 19:06 (Original time stamp; Play

*Think

Friendly Fire-

Nvm

*Thing Ex-plodes

In- stantly

Whelp-

You called her before a council ??

Child -ren Can’t Think -

Okay

Movie

Children can’t think-

From ag-

“This is-”.

It should be

-But The writers - refuse to write her as child -

The Pro-

“I-

The Pro- Blem As the story seems to be placing the Jedi on a high pedestal

..... Their actions here as reasonable

..... But it’s not ... If Ahsoka was a child it would be a cruel use of power showing how used only to put the younger generation down before they’re old enough to understand it

And how they’ve given Anakin the illusion of power

-Boomer Bait

If she’s an adult; This would be a show of how she’s childified by her peers

As it stands;

The writers refuse to chose

Concerning, due to the fact that

Child-ify Ing An Adult ...... Is Wrong

And adult-ify ing a child is wrong ...

Un equivocally,

Tally Of How Many Times Ahsoka- Is Adult -ify Ied- ;

This is necessary

[Excuse for odd formatting The “Movie”, (Under the picture) Caused Tumblr To heck up my spacing)

Continuing on;

“Time away from the battle- field,”

Good, For A Child Solider - (And would’ve been a good show that any kind -ness from them is performative ...

“Guard duty,”

Tally Of How Many Times Ahsoka- Is Adult -ify Ied- 1

Cite; Child ren Don’t have that much emotion, Nor Pre- fer ence- -

“Longer now,”

Dick —- Kinda

It’s better for children not to be in battle —

So not a complete dick...

But not optimal...

“Sorry”

So he said by people who don’t wanna take accountability for their actions and just stop doing the thing and stop bringing the toxins into the world

Point; If you were sorry you would stop doing it, stop bringing it up, and do better... —- Trying to control the narrative isn’t nice (When the truth is objective)

Only the self may be both .....

Security -

“Knowledge,”

*Bag-age

“Hm,”

. .. .

...

Fisto

...

In-side

St-upid Forbid Den

Know-ledge

(It’s likely about plants Or Weapons)

Also;

Boomer Bait!

(That’s something they offer younger generations to follow their stupid outdated tradition)

It’s always worse...

(Also, this isn’t about Ahsoka trying to steal the Holocon thing is it?

Because her character is already -hateable- enough

And if she has enough initiative to steal the holocon

- She’s an adult

And should be allowed entrance anyway

“Jedi Council,”

So, lady was a Jedi?

Aight,

Keeping an eye on that ... Aight -

Went through one. drug trip

Already

.....

[Okay...

..Got a Drink of water —— Interrupt -ion

Wait I thought he was just a ball of fuck your plot

You’re telling me he actually works for Palpatine?

After threaten ing Palpatine?

This dude - fucking drug trip -

...Ser vices

I honestly thought he was a [fuck your shit] guy

Now he’s a de tec- tive

Noir ....

Movie that’s too many genres .....

You- need to slow down .

Your main Chara- Isn’t Even Esta- Blish -ed Prop er Ly

Nevermind the characterization

Note if it had been established he changes things every so often that would be neat

As it stands

This dude is a fecking roller coaster

Not any thing resembling good

[Giving your aud- ience a drug trip isn’t good writing]

It makes them dizzy!]

So...

Holocron

Like Palpatine is literally doing this just to fuck over Ahsoka?

Also, this is going to result in Ahsoka being unchild -like To take them out too?

I’ll get the - counter ready

[yes I have seen it literally every Mall cop/ security guard movie ever

The fun . seeing how your (Good) chara cters - interact with the scenario - That’s not happening here - If she was a child this would show how Anakin‘s orders react with the environment

If she’s an adult; We’re working through a checklist; About what we know about her;

Likes, dislikes, how they might come up in a situation...

The suspension... coming when they do

With Ahsoka...

What do we know about her?

Honestly?

We know she likes fighting (Already in enabler of toxic behavior -against other living beings)

We know literally nothing else about her

Except...

That she’s perfect...

Re-moving All Tension;

Deal

I’m surprise he just wasn’t like oh yeah sure,”

[Ditches with the money]

... ..

Oh they’re actually talking strategy

Usually it’s just ‘fuck em’ up And that’s all we ever hear

Er-

Whelp- Yodi’s dead

Alas, Poor Narc

[assuming he can actually sense disorder in the ranks]

Gen. Leader Ship. Tox

He should know he shouldn’t be doing that

Focusing on him self

And practic ing accountability .... Constantly micromanaging and checking in on your peers .. Isn’t going to make them more likely to be accountable..

It’s going to piss them off ...

Your (evident) distrust creating a toxic environment As you were refused to trust their char -acter

You can’t give me respect the guy that was just snooping (Through the whole uni-verse)

That’s the point...

A dis-turbance in the force

Yeah?

Intruders there will be

Okay, bullshit he can see that

Like; Peri-pheral Okay

(Still tox that you don’t expect your peers in a peripheral. to be able to hold accountability)

But this is galaxies away (Ac-tually. on Corousant)

But. He Should n’t Know That-

‘The Narcs pulling authority again, master,”

“Shh, this is what we train- I mean groom - you for!,”

“But You Said,”

(Con-tinuing Earl-ier,)

[Seriously I meant to bring it up earlier,

But are they really inhabiting Zero the hutt’s old hotel]

Like it could just be a Noir hotel

But the positioning and location seem familiar . . .

Tell me...

Who the frick is this? ?

“What you are doing back there?”

... ..

Aight...

Assis -tance

God Lord, He’s Try -ing

Main tenance

If I don’t idea (who this guy was )or what was going on then maybe that would make sense

As it stands, Nope,

Crash- es

What’s that?

....

What?

Seriously. all he did was put another thing into another thing?

???

...

Aww, he actually trusts Bane..

Thank you ...

Door..

Techno Service ... Droid

As in a “tech -nical service droid? (Rt (IT) Tech Guy?

Or a technical assistant (One made of tech)?

(Or one specializing in techno dance moves?)

Also is he supposed to get them in?

Is that thing?

They- didn’t really establish much-

Butler Droid...

Change?

Todo... “You are what I say you are,”

Roomba- kicker

Also, having a roommate is just straight up detective fiction...

Like buddy-cop detective but still detective

With noir, Which is supposed to be focused on independence Dis(trust) in society Which is admittedly (toxic)

Or seems to be

Those two themes...

Directly contra- dictory

[with Griev- ous they made it work, But he wasn’t this - ]

“Uh,”

You are not “The Doctor,” - [that work ed as manif- estation Of Greiv- Ous’s Toxic Be- Hav -ior- And Human Want For Com- Pan Ion- Ship - Or At Least- Vul- Ner- Aba- ili Ty- - This Guy - So far he’s a n(e)igh invulnerable Douche Bag - With No -thing Humane- - Not quite Ahsoka levels - Intend -ed To be an adult - Just- - Really needing to go ham - On the arrogance And inhumanity (He sold his soul for money- But makes it look so good- what he does- Gets a sick kinda enjoyment from it,”)

That’s how you have, to pull it off

As it stands; there’s no emotion with this character

Is the robot supposed to be like his morality pet?

But he’s a dick to him too

Really he gets nothing from me

How do even in the “I-don’t-feel-anything-I’m-so-edgy-and-cool look at me!’

Vibes

There’s nothing fun...

Yeah you can throw all the ...clichés you want in there

[But that doesn’t work if you don’t use them properly]

[I see the team up with a female bounty -hunter]

[Predictable “I work Alone...] The only thing those stories share

In minute]

But ‘once the effect of’ ‘wow that’s a lot of things. Has worn off

The story and character left heartless

“Non-of- your Bus- iness,”

Doesn’t have the cockiness to make it work

[this isn’t power- Ful-]

Down right ..cringe

As it tries to shove shove two genres.. . At least... That don’t Quite .work ...

Least not the way they’re trying to make them work

.....

..Today

It’s noir

The point is no one’s in a good mood.. ...

Aight,

Wasn’t that-

Also, shouldn’t he know-

Based on how open- She is- To un- veiling her mask..

- -

Robot

So sh- ouldn’t she ask the robot to leave the room?

(If it’s such a big deal to her?”)

He can just run their face through a face scan no?

Mid-rim

I thought he didn’t have a way in? [That’s a pretty pathetic way in.. .]

[Palpatine’s screwing with him]

[Giv -ing Him a hard time and satis -iating - The ab- omin- ations desire for blood🎵,

Two birds, one stone,

Also, Movie, That’s the wrong amount of planning for the wrong genre - We don’t care how the bank ro -bbers Art -thieves

Got There

This isn’t Heist - [Money Heist, Not Terr- Esc] Got It Wrong [Pre dict- The Plot-] Last Time. -

The Focus isn’t Character building- - it’s the ‘out of depth characters reaction to the scenario,’

And the wacky hijinks that ensue

Using their talents...

Contrast- ed against the environment (Mall cop example]

Which seems to be the best fit

Stealing the- Holocron- - WHAT WAS THE PURPOSE-

Well- At least they ack -now-ledged Planning really isn’t part of the subset,

Good (For them?)

Aight Impossible ...

What are the emotions?

[like they literally. just through in the “the only place...”

Why..?

So quick rehash (Sorry but I can feel the drug trip coming through,)

(Effects- Of Dealing- With (bad) excess character;

(Deserts Metal...)

[Refresh]

He has a map of the Jedi temple Chip (Oh so that’s what that- (Isn’t he still-)

[Changlin’]

Aight

Bog

[Refresh End]

[Voice acting?

[Mouth sync]

... .. Aight

In Tru-

Maybe take the teen- off guard duty

A thought

[but-seriously

No high Alert?

Only these two..?

Info- -Mation

Baggage

Seriously money would be a better option

Or just street cred

(Adult) humans, Aren’t that Liniar...

Any way...

East Tower ....

Well that’s better than some dusty old books - Holos

(Seriously at least that’s present baggage.)

Whelp

Nobody notices this bullshit!

On a supposedly secure a military base .... ...

Also in the Mid- day break fecking daylight! (With the hiest it made sense, That was a hostage political situation Meant to draw in a huge crowd;

How?

Cool Alright,

Hey isn’t she supposed to be standing still?

(Guard)

Doing patrols?

Like no emotion, Face Forward, Professiona -lism

Not Greeter

(Didn’t they literally call it guard duty?)

Like just say you’re sending her to library service...

Assis -tance

Again, Wrong Field...

They’d be talking to the library helper (Official) Con-

Bother

Not how a child reacts Tally Of How Many Times Ahsoka- Is Adult -ify Ied- 2/3

Cite; Asoka shows intentional over involvement instincts more befitting of an adult ....

Good

Fully understand able reaction (Kinda)

(Don’t yell at children)

Don’t over involve yourself in the future ....

(But if you’re an over- involv ed and (un-)childlike abomination (Getting shoved for this is likely going to happen)

Dude was actually nicer than an adult

Enabler

(Rule Of Excess Society; While excess verbalization is ex- pected, Getting in someone’s way (non-sport Ing-) (Or con -ferr ed-) U-pon

Is not, Attemp ting to move them away the customary five times is expected)

Aight,

So the librarian was right there as she harassed her client)

(Not saying; But you should get involved in tox that doesn’t involve you)

Just don’t think that would excuse Her from ire

“I can’t do anything right,”

Tally Of How Many Times Ahsoka- Is Adult -ify Ied- 3/4

Cite; Child -ren Aren’t aware of self Ahsoka would repeat a line blank -ly

“Likely ‘sorry’

Then back away

[Or the or dered rea ction-)

Aight

Whelp

Yes

Just at the librarian be the pro tag

(She’s Tox But.. . Less Tox.. ...

But Still..

[Make [Better] Pro-ta g Than Ahsoka ]

In.. ...

That’s a library computer..

You need a pass- word. - The robot-

How?

What?

Weak Point?

You know for Boomer bait They mis-construe How the library works a lot

[I know -Hav- Ing Dealt-]

Talk-ing in the library,

Is pretty off

Like there’s a reason people are encouraged to go into the hallway to take phone calls

Loud

These are the guys that value meditation

Dude. Would be shushed By Several irate Jedi ...

Told to take it outside ... ...

I-

[I feel bad For the Roomba]

[like dude, gaslights him and then takes his memory]

Like, Adults Out of it. ...

But ...Droids

[we don’t know much about the sentient ones Or how much senti ence]

But this whole scene...

Makes me feel dirty

Like; it’s played for humor

When; it should be played to how much a bastard this guy is

Screw- ing with anything-

Like That ...

Toxic ...

Sick..

How?

Aight..

What. .

Re- Cyc

Why? ... ..

Kenobi

Jump-ing coincidence

[i’m con -clusion]

Damn, the narc

[No one tell him anything]

[Might fake a heart attack]

Comm.

[How half assed is Yoda’s peripheral?]

Venti -lation

-That’s Smart-

Almost -Too -Smart-

👍

-Tower

High Alert

Place the Temple -

Wasn’t, already?

Left it undone

Way to go smart guy - Cool - But kinda pointless..

Aight- Never mind

I- Might’ve Been Wrong-

Al right

[Seriously, no one hears this?]

[In most heist movies they at least had the intelli- gence-

[No hate -villains can be stupid]

Do you some small well re-lativel unknown library

[or at least not the one at the place they were robbing]

Because everyone would recognize that the actions occurring match up to what he’s describing And the description Of their building.]

Aight

Neat-

Past

Whelp-

Aight-

Shred- (Un-acc Oun T-able)

K-Pop

Well that’s a name...

Whelp..

Cool.. ..

Bane ...

Whole.. temple

And I heard you very obviously plotting...

So... you’re getting kicked

Also he could be possibly looking up intruders plans.. ...

Like pretty one dimensional opinion of on ‘High Alert’, lady

[Especially for a librarian.]

Thank you

Whelp...

There went my expectations

Also, Every Jedi leaving the library didn’t notice that that shit?

Like, they didn’t have guard’s ready to apprehend him

...On the Other Side?

Okay...

You just moved her...

Do you know this could’ve been an episode with a lot of emotional depth Showing how terrifying adults that abuse children can be adults that swear to have their interest in heart And how overinvolvement Is harmful regardless of who it’s coming from (Neglect- of child- And - accoun tability) Working off the “blank line”, ‘I can’t do anything right,’ And the Jedi -Council’s treatment of her “Foreshadow -Ing,” (I use that word loosely)

Their down- fall

Instead we got this-

And he just abandons the computer-

Aight, Just contin -ued on - with -out his instruction

Despite see-ing how bad that went. Al-right

Okay-

Aight

Really?

Without instructions?

Calls friend

You were fine without him the last few seconds .....

“Give-”

Not gonna question that?

“Voice-”

She’s a changling..

“Now,”

Hidden

You’re in a vent?

Oh, Skywalker has immediate intuition ...

And a breech didn’t somehow sound off alarms

Yeah. . Good..thing you didn’t close up the thing ..

Whelp..

How?

Okay. .

Shame.. they didn’t get a hold of a force sensitive kid (I- don’t want it to happen)

Just-

.. .

.. Here

Hurry I can Hear.. . Bull- Shit .

You have rocket boots they have the force

You shouldn’t hear shit-

Sur-prisingly, No Ahsoka

Good

The lower the counter stays..

The better for humanity

[and my brain]

[Vent]

Seriously, you didn’t tell your partner? About the Jedi on High Alert?

Ser- Force-

How deep is that thing?

[Aight, Pat-

You’re telling me they still haven’t figured out the Holocron?

We only saw-

Shouldn’t one of you go one way and the other go the other?

To cover more ground?

They’re- Really putting a lot of faith-

In the Comms

Also shouldn’t there be more Jedi crawling over the place?

Seriously, it’s just these two?

[We know Plo isn’t doing anything important.]

[We saw him near the opening?]

And Kid Fisto..

Heck... Is everybody else doing?

A-ight

“Closer,”

Shouldn’t it be ..further

Archive.. [Library] Comms?

Got it-

Whelp..

Okay..

Not, putting up that door,

What are you smiling about?

There’s plenty of lasers

And you don’t even know where the thing you’re looking for is

(Inside the compartment)

....

Aight

Might- not have been a smile-

Look for the open vent

(Dude clum- Un- Acc ountable)

With Vents

Also look at all these assholes standing around doing nothing

Also, no one’s going to check up on the child

Like, Ahsoka surely got that message right?

Temple-

Deep in the temple-

Use-less

...

‘Cause you’re idiots who don’t check for open vents Or cover more ground?

Or...

[Get, anyone to help you, in this big ass vent,”

It’s not very hard to see why.. .

Ass -itance

Ahsoka’s, not gonna get blamed for this is she?

Won-

Yeah, the narcs pretty useless

Also, why can’t you have the dude just shut off those lasers like he did the rest?

Done

Oh, they address it

Good,

Yep,

How?

But...

Okay...

...

Okay

....

What’re you still doing ...

Okay,

What’re you doing?

[Is the Holocron seriously right there?]

That’s. lucky

Weirder and Wei-rder

Hey isn’t your personality over-written?

By the chip?

Aight

S-eriously?

Still Here?

On- alert-?

Coin- cidence? !

Augh

Is that’s seriously the alert?

Several minutes-

No wonder those guys were so late...

...

Sense De- Cep Tion

Po- S-ing As A Jedi.

Okay now Yoda’s just reading the death report

Jo-casta

What?

But that’s actually a good idea - If shits about to go down you might as well find the person who might hold them accountable instead of letting you get the shit beat out

Run-

Serious-ly shouldn’t she just shout out her name?

[Like I know - High Alert- But Ahsoka isn’t going to be much use against a Adult... Either way Might as well find her [and scare off the intruder-]

Also how come “innocence” doesn’t get the same notification

Did they forget his wristwatch?

[Like- seems important-]

Who are you?

Dang It?

You were supposed to report back!

Also no one heard any of this before

Also; are you going to tell me that AHSOKA, the child soldier, Is going to beat this guy When the fully trained elderly Jedi got her ass kicked?

Nah.. .

“You,”

Dead

Tally Of How Many Times Ahsoka- Is Adult -ify Ied- 4/5

-Un-orthodox show of initiative 1x

-Counter 1x

- Surviving this 1x

(4x)

Getting her on the run!

Tot; 7/8

-Surviv-ing;

- 1x - 1x

-1x

-1x -1x

-1x

-2x (I’m tired of counting them one by one-)

-2x

- 2x

Okay

Whelp

Aight

-Right

Shape

-Skill

-Ew

Whelp

Okay-

Where did your get your skills from?

Abomination?

Aw-

Todo-

-Yet

What-ever

Butler

Tech

Neither of which have anything to do with ironing doors open ....

.... There he goes

Sy-mpathesize- more with him than this douche bag even if his turn does make a little sense

Aight.

Whelp

Finally found that vent.. .

Right

No, he wasn’t

“Comms,”

Not Holo- Cron

.....

Completely un-realistically

Tally Of How Many Times Ahsoka- Is Adult -ify Ied- 28/29 And 1/2

(1/2 because referring to the action what respectively doesn’t count as a whole- sin- It does deserve note that you decided to repeat your bad writing-)

Jedi

She Says-

(Un Be Li Ev Able)

Holo -cron

Jedi To Open It ..

Okay,

Up- To-

Again, with the communication center-!

Dude, just wanted a Holo-cron

(Seriously that was very tortured logic, Think the writers; just wrote this scene Then realize but wait “why are they in the Holocron/ Comm Cent,?”

And that’s how Anakin/Obi-Wan Obsession with the com center began...

[sorry but there was no reason for them to be in the Com center!

That I’ve heard!]

Aight, What? What -ever

... ..

Wrong-

Yes

Com- Center-

Ser-iously even he doesn’t know what’s up

You heard me

And my stupid plan

To send you to the Coms center to justify Obi-wan’s obsession-

Craw- ling

And we have no reason to-o

Why?

Now!

Yelling- doesn’t mistake the clear lack of reason

What- ever-

Right

That’s one way to do it

Really

Also, how does -that not-

That was less than one minute

Also, but no one else will hear that but these two . .

And they’ll still progress to the comm center ...

“It came from the com center,!”

How!?

You, guys,

Comms, Archives,

Aight, Nice

Com-munication center-

Ha- ha- ha- (I’m sorry but that has come back around to kinda funny,”

[something Happens across the galaxy]

Obi-won; It was the com’s center

—-

Aight, right,

...

O-kay

...

How??

Where?

Okay ...

Cloak Ing?

What?

[you can’t defy the rules of logic that much (Physics) You need to explain where he went otherwise it’s a loony tune Of sus- pen sion-

Okay?

What??

I thought- the thing-

....

O-kay

right

Take it,

Which ,One

That-

Right

What- Ever-

Aight-

He knews

What- Ever

Don’t call your eggs

Move

Restraint

Whelp

Use-less

Just There

Whelp

Nope-

Okay-

He Try

[Hey guys,]

Off That’s some assumed authority over familiarity..

Aight..

Okay,

They’re really letting him get away with the story

Tries-

What?!

-When-

Bomb-

Both-

[Also Mace Windu is still the only semi-efficient Jedi...

Asshole !

(Can’t make the text bigger enough to display my outrage!)

[they played that off as humor!]

That was a scream of death!

Of Murder!

[if that was a sentient- And my God it seemed damn close! Dude was just murdered

The surprise- “ I didn’t see it coming, h onestly not his fault kind!”

One that would call for immediate robotic vengeance!

* im-mediate ac-countability

If sentient,

What the Hell?!

That-

Horror - fy- Ing-

Oof

“Was it sentient? Crud, I might lose my least toxic credentials

( )

Whelp

How?

No Way-

A-ight

Shit

-shit

- she did nothing

I-

Call Sec-

Whose that?

Whelp

Okay..

That Who

Dys- functional family road trip - War

No shit

Oh wait at the comment table was by all the other Jedi

So...

the whole time Obi-wan was just complaining he didn’t want to do the job

Skywalker agreeing with him...

And... wanting to ditch their post

In chara,

Just, a little bit funny when you think about it

Right,

You bought them all the way here?

...

Also look isn’t the unchild-like abomination adorable when she’s talking about punishing people more severely

Holo-cron

The heck is a holocron...

Wait-

What-

Why-

How-

Why is this being allowed to happen? -

...

Snitch

[like seriously how is it helping her case, whatsoever?

Plea Bar-gin

Aight,

Okay

That was just a completely random target on his list...

- -

The one accountable adult

Keeper Kydra Crystal-

- Holocrons

Data

You get out of here youngling

Force Sensitive Child ?

Are we really going to get into the powers eugenics? (Or power genetic superiority)

Also would it be a kin to basically every child or just any child destined for leader ship

(Like gen leader ship?)

Cause..

Also, yeah good idea keeping that around

And you named...

...

Young’lings

Future

Oy! You put that back where, it came from so help me

Future

vision

is cheating

In reality, if you did have that power, you should keep your mouth shut

And it completely negates the point of a choice based universe

(Takes all the risk out of it)

Making the story completely useless

(For the sake of tension I’m going to ignore that..)

Going on the assumption...

That’s the Jedi are just a bunch of narcs

Who like claiming they know the future

When in reality only the future knows the future...

Worn. Them

Oh so it’s just School roll call...

Contact

You must

Ya no dude’s already a headstart...

Ahsoka

Dude, he just override the punishment

Does he have the authority to do that?

[I don’t think so]

Cad bane

He probably isn’t

And you already know him From the previous episode

Good for Obi-won

Aight

Mace Windu don’t give a fuck

Kid Fisto disappeared

And. . Luminara(?)

Went to go get a snack.... ?

I don’t know

Yoda

Got Overruled

Aight, Okay

.....

This episode...

Makes me feel disgusting Watching The middle At least

It’s very clearly boomer bait...

The beginning...

Focus-ing on the importance of taking orders (With no sarcasm to my understanding,)

Progressing, Into,

Dah, de, dah, Generation ____ doesn’t understand books!

*We might if they got out of our way, let us do our thing, dis-covered and pract-iced excess, on our volition

*if we wanted to

Honestly convinced. I should’ve given them a strike right there

Out of

Malicious

Won’t (Out of restraint)

But a thought none- the-

less

Being a (toxic) Boomers Fantasy in which they, the all powerful all knowing adults must help poor Ig- nor -ant (Child)-

(I’m sorry this really disgusts me)

-with enough initiative To praise their Brilliance

(It’s re-ally di-sgusting)

This isn’t seen as an overreach Or con- Des-cion Of A Gen

And gives no in-dication it recognizes how creepy what it’s doing is

Apart from the lighting in the council room

*Which I’m now convinced is permanently broken

And continues with the assum-ption of a life-time Over the future

Breaking; the story pretty thoroughly

And announcing the return to mediocrity...

(Border -ing on attempt at lower standards)

(Also they playoff the death of a semi-sentient species For Humor?

He died screaming!

1 note · View note

professionallydeadinside · 6 months

Note

LADY D-IFIED AHKMENRAH AND/LANCELOT IS ALSO RIGHT THERE, JUST SAYING.

-Kirk anon

SORRY AHKMENRAH BUT IM JUST THE LITTLEST BIT MORE BIASED TOWARDS LANCELOT <3

#lancelot natm #larry daley #night at the museum #natm #lady d-ified #my art #fanart #answered #doodles

61 notes · View notes

mego42 · 4 years

Note

you can have the writers from any other tv show writing for good girls. what show (on or off the air) do you take them from? (p.s. the correct answer is obviously black sails but you can say more than one)

alright so I thought about this way too long and yes, obviously I would gladly invite the black sails writers on to the show (laughing to myself as I picture the epic speech-ifying quota dramatically increasing and how that would play out) I would also enthusiastically extend an invite to:

the leftovers room - particularly nick cuse and tamara carter who wrote some of my favorite episodes, plus both of them have an excellent grasp on the absurd which would I think work in GG’s favor

marti noxon - potentially controversial take depending on how you feel about the later seasons of buffy but a) I like them, b) she wrote a number of my favorite eps, c) she like, specializes in dark, complicated lady-driven tv- see unreal and sharp objects for reference, and d) this is my list shut up

maurissa tancharoen, jane espenson, doug petrie - I think between the three of them plus marti I’ve covered p much every one of my fav eps from buffy, angel and dollhouse, all three give good (angsty) ship imo

bruce miller - listen say what you will about the current state of t100, it’s p reasonable to say that s2 was legitimately great in many ways, this dude knows his way around a storyboard and an Earned Moment

terry matalas and sean tretta - 12 monkeys is one of the most satisfying stories i’ve ever watched play out across four seasons

#i have a lot of other tv show writer thoughts and favs #but i feel like this bunch would vibe well with good girls #i thought about this a normal amount #curious anon thingy #ask me stuff #i credit everything good about s2 to bruce and everything terrible to jason #and the cool thing is looking at what's happened to the show since bruce left #i dont have to wonder if im right #which is only half me trashing jason #the loss of bruce starkly illuminates his contributions to the writing in earlier seasons

13 notes · View notes

unofficialkfamtranscripts · 4 years

Text

King Falls AM - Episode 5: Night of the Living Dread

View on Google Docs

Summary: July 1, 2015 - Sammy & Ben learn of some breaking news regarding the Lake Hatchenhaw John Doe, but not everyone is as pleased as the broadcast duo.

[Podcast intro music]

Announcer Dear listeners, please note that the following program may contain views that do not reflect that of King Falls AM, its management, or its subsidiaries. Listener discretion is advised.

[KFAM intro music]

Sammy You’re listening to King Falls AM, that’s 660 on the radio dial. I’m your host, Sammy Stevens, and as always we are joined by producer and co-host extraordinaire, Ben Arnold.

Ben [trying not to be amused] You’re so- you’re so happy, aren’t you? You’re a child. Getting so giddy over that message.

Sammy Listening to a warning before a radio broadcast I’m on has literally been on the bucket list for a long time. Thanks Merv!

Ben *laughter* Ridiculous. A glutton for punishment.

Sammy What can I say? I enjoy a nice game of hard ball! Uh, y’know, but enough about what Merv doesn’t want you to hear, let’s talk about what he does want you to hear. And what do we have cooking tonight, Ben?

Ben Dude, it’s stacked alright? Stacked. We’ve got the- lovely Miss Emily Potter from the King Falls Library giving us her picks for enlightened summer reading.

Sammy Terrific! We always love speaking with Emily!

Ben You and me both.

Sammy I said “we,” Ben.

Ben Uh, I know. I- *breathes in* [stilted] I- We-We-uh, We’ve got some really cool news! here. We-we are announcing the line-up for the first annual King Falls Ambient Music Festival. That’s coming up the second hour.

Sammy Wait a second. The King Falls Ambient Music Festival? Is this town even big enough for a festival?

Ben Oh yeah! It’s like Coachella[1] but for hipsters that just want to relax. It’s all about “setting the mood.”

Sammy You know, I’m wondering if they’re gonna make it to a second annual.

Ben And then, um, [reluctant and slipping into mumbling] opening up the show we-we’ve got the- doctor *mumbling*

Sammy I-I’m sorry, Ben, what was that? You’re trailing off, buddy.

Ben We have that umm, *sniffs, lets out breath* one… guy. You know that- fo- w- talking about that *deep breath* one thing—

Sammy [trying to cut him off] Ben—

Ben —from a month ago or so—?

Sammy What? What are you talking about?

Ben You know— May- maybe we should start it with Uh, callers first! [mildly frantic] Just-uh-Give us a call at 424-279-3858 and let’s talk about… *tsk* anything! Let’s uh, whats your-whats your-whats-whats on your mind King Falls?

Sammy Ladies and gentlemen, put down your phones for a second. What Ben is trying to say is we’ve got a scoop here this evening on King Falls AM. We’re gonna be speaking with—

Ben [cutting Sammy off]Or you can tweet us! @kingfallsam. I-I-I will literally talk about anything right now. Even to Mr. Derschwitz about that weird toenail thing. Let-lets-lets go, people!

Sammy I thought we agreed—

Ben I know. Sammy, I’m sorry it’s just, [slightly more frantic] I’m-I’m not feelin’ the best here. Alright? my stomach, is all… knotted up, just thinking about this.

Sammy That is journalism. That feeling is journalism—

Ben [speaking over Sammy] I think it might actually be an ulcer! It Tastes, like Fear and Feels, like Cancer . It’s way more than anxiety. I-I’m gonna call Dr. Raúl, at break.

Sammy He’s a chiropractor!

Ben Maybe he can refer me?

Sammy Power through it, buddy! Look at this folks, we got somebody dialing into the hotline right now! You ready for this Ben? Come on.

Ben Please, be Reverend Hawthorne so we can talk about the Revival next month.

Sammy Oh stop it. You know he isn’t even scheduled!

Ben I just thought— maybe that’s how prayers work, I don’t know, I’m not a reverend!

Sammy King Falls AM, you’re on the air.

Dr. Rosenblum [Dr. Rosenblum’s voice is measured and monotonous and mildly creepy at all times] Good evening, this is Dr. Jeffery Rosenblum, with the, King Falls County Coroner’s Office.

Ben C-can I please just say—

Sammy Dr. Rosenblum, it is a pleasure to speak with you this evening.

Rosenblum Excited to be here, Sammy. Ecstatic even. We listen on slow nights.

Ben That’s the scariest thing I’ve ever heard.

Sammy Much appreciated, Doc. Now, as fate would have it, you were the overseeing physician working on the Lake Hatchenhaw John Doe, is that correct?

Ben Doc? Can you just, hold on for- one- moment- please?

Rosenblum Of course, Ben I—

Sammy Don’t start, Ben! We agreed to see this through.

Ben All I’m saying i- lemme finish- a- i-is that maybe it’s not our place *deep breath* to break this kind of news.

Sammy Fine. You know what? You’re right! Let’s just give this to our friends down at Channel 13 and let them be the ones to alert the public about this.

Ben [journalist voice] Doc, Ben Arnold. Tell us about cracking open the mystery body.

Sammy [quietly] Oh.

Rosenblum It’s true that I was the operating physician on that particular John Doe, y-es, irrefutablyy

Sammy Now, as I understand, your official report was released yesterday morning, doctor, but amazingly enough, not one publication or news station in our town- including King Falls AM- reported on it.

Rosenblum You are correct. Busy news day- one would assume.

Ben So, that means, you are— free to talk about it on air.

Rosenblum I would be elated

Sammy First and foremost on everyone’s minds: were there any signs of, uh, y’know, the lake mo- *sighs* I can’t.

Ben Did Kingsie make the body, bite the big one?

Rosenblum There was no evidence that a creature large or small had anything to do with the deceased.

Ben *sigh of relief* That- I knew Kingsie didn’t have it in her.

Sammy Now, Dr. Rosenblum, can you tell us if there was any foul play involved at all?

Rosenblum During our first autopsy we were not able to distinguish with certainty the cause of death. But there were no signs of foul play

Sammy I’m sorry, did you say “first” autopsy?

Ben [confused] Is that normal? Did you- find out the cause of death during the… second autopsy?

Rosenblum Indeed. It was six individual gunshot wounds to the victim’s head. Three shots to the temporal lobe, two to the mendulla oblongata—

Sammy What?! Six gunshot wounds?!

Rosenblum To the cranium, yes. One to the frontal lobe, another to—

Ben So the Lake Hatchenhaw John Doe was, murdered?

Sammy I can’t believe this! This is big! Why didn’t one news outlet report this thing yesterday?!

Rosenblum Well, the cause of death was inconclusive and with no signs of foul play, it was not exactly a juicy story.

Ben and Sammy Wait a second.

Rosenblum …yes?

Sammy I’m sorry, doc. I’m not in the medical orrr criminal fields but, how is six gunshots not foul play?

Rosenblum Well, that was between the first autopsy and the second. The gunshots were self-defense administered via Deputy Kreighauser at my behest.

Sammy Ben, we’re gonna wanna get Troy on the phone and see what he’s got to say about this.

Ben “Things Ben Arnold would never think under ordinary circumstances for 800, Alex.”[2]

Sammy Doc, while we’re getting Deputy Troy on the line, would you mind if we took a quick break to hear from one of our sponsors?

Rosenblum That’s just- Dandy.

[light bg music]

Greg Frickard After a long day’s work or a tough day’s play, you probably just wanna come home and relax. No need to slave over a hot stove for hours on end. Well that’s where we come in! Here at Granny Frickard’s, we know that the less time you spend doing the things you don’t like, is the more time you spend with the ones you love. So come get some of the best frog legs that money can buy. Granny Frickard’s French-fried farm-fresh never-frozen filleted-and-fricasseed fried-and-flambeed frog legs. Mm-mm-mm. So get on down to Granny Frickard’s Froggery at the corner of Main Street and 7th Avenue. We’ll put some pep in your step and some hop in your heart.

[KFAM intro music]

Sammy And we’re back on King Falls AM, here with King Falls County Coroner, Dr. Jeffery Rosenblum.

Rosenblum A Pleasure.

Sammy Do you have Troy, Ben?

Ben He’s booking one of the Williams boys for mooning. He’ll call us in a few.

Sammy I’m a little out of sorts here, doc. Can you explain what happened between the first inconclusive autopsy and the point where Troy filled the cadaver full of lead.

Rosenblum Of course. As I was finishing the initial post-mortem, it came to my attention that the deceased began to emit a hissing sound, fluctuating between the lower thorax and the larynx.

Ben Oh my God.

Rosenblum I called for Deputy Kreighauser and he entered, as I wanted someone else to see this- phenomenon. That’s when the John Doe began a slight, thrashing about the upper torso.

Ben Um… are you saying—

Rosenblum The deputy began to fumble for his sidearm while we both discerned that something was wildly- amiss. The deceased opened its eyes and instantly grabbed for the lapel of my lab coat with voracious tenacity.

Ben Wh- ah- go on.

Rosenblum It gnashed its teeth as I emitted a terrified, albeit, high pitched, scream. And that’s when Troy unholstered his sidearm and administered six lethal shots to the reanimated corpse’s cranium.

Ben A zombie.

Sammy Alright, is there- [fumbling] Let’s just say- is there-

Ben We’ve got Troy on the line.

Deputy Troy [in bg] I don’t care if he was only joshin’. You can’t show your G-D derriere out in public! [car door slams] [pleasantly] Hey boys, what’s goin’ on tonight?

Sammy You tell us, Troy, holy geez! Uh, we’ve got Dr. Rosenblum on the line here and—

Deputy Troy Is this about the zombie?

Ben Yes! So-so you’re confirming this story, Troy?

Deputy Troy Well, hell yeah I’m confirming! I had to do three hours of damn paper work from unloadin’ my pistola into a corpse! Sheriff Gunderson was not the happiest of campers.

Ben [excited and awed] This is amazing… This is unprecedented .

Sammy [skeptical] This is a little unbelievable, Troy.

Rosenblum It is a first in my profession. Believe you me. [still tonelessly] Wowzers.

Deputy Troy Honest engine[3] boys. I capped the all get out of that thing! It had the doc by the face ‘bout to start chewing!

Rosenblum You’re my hero, Deputy Troy.

Deputy Troy Shucks, wasn’t nothin’ special.

Ben [slightly sullen] Except killing the first instance of a zombie in King Falls since—

Sammy Don’t say “since”.

Ben … Well… Since that one time at the mall in the '80s.

Sammy No, that’s not a real thing, Ben. That’s a film.

Ben [worked up] Sammy? How many extraordinary things are gonna have to SLAP you right in the face to make you buy into this? KING FALLS, MAN.

Deputy Troy You know me, Sammy. I always shoot ya straight. But it was the craziest sh[bleep]t I’ve ever seen. I mean it was like my-ex-wife-needs-alimony-money crazy.

Ben See? Even Barney Fife[4] saw it.

Sammy *sighs* I just—

Rosenblum I don’t want to cause an uproar here, but since that exam, there have been, other cases.

Ben Of frickin’ zombies?

Rosenblum Of reanimation among corpses… yes.

Deputy Troy Doc, you just give me a call if you need. I’m more than happy to go Clint Eastwood if the situation arises.

Rosenblum Will do, Deputy. Thank you so much for your- assistance. Without you, there may not have been this- interview.

Deputy Troy [proud] To protect and serve.

Sammy I can’t take all this in right now, Dr. Rosenblum I- e- Thank you so much for your insightful information.

Rosenblum As they say, [still monotone] “you got it, duude.”

[click, dial tone]

Ben You okay, Sammy? You… don’t look so well.

Deputy Troy Ah, hell, boys.[siren whoop] I gotta go. I’ll call you back later tonight! One of the Williams boys is tryin’ ta saw through the bars outside the jailhouse? [sirens in bg] [through megaphone] Jacob Williams put your hands UP and the file DOWN.

[click, dial tone]

Ben Alright King Falls, you’ve heard our story, let’s hear yours. Have you or anyone you know experienced anything like what the doctor spoke of? Reanimation? The walking—

Sammy Don’t.

Ben You know what I mean. Give us a call or tweet us.

Sammy Looks like the board is lighting up!

Ben Um…

Sammy What’s up? Okay, it can’t be any crazier than what we just heard, Ben.

Ben Line One, Sammy.

Sammy Welcome to King Falls AM, you’re on with Sammy and Ben.

Line 1 [female, almost sounds automated] Good evening, Sammy—

Sammy Do I know you ma'am?

Riley — please hold for Mayor Grisham.

Ben He… Probably just wants us to— mark these tapes as, evidence. *nervous laugh* Right, Sammy?

Sammy Or burn them.

Riley Sammy Stevens, Mayor Grisham.

Sammy Mayor?

Mayor Grisham Sammy… Ben.

Sammy You’re on live on King Falls AM, sir.

Mayor Grisham [commanding] Take me off and go to break. We need to chat.

Sammy No can do. Ben says we aren’t scheduled for break for another- uh- at least ten minutes.

Mayor Grisham Ben. Cut. To. Commercial.

Ben Uh- uh- uh- the thing is- I- I- I can’t- do that. Sir.

Mayor Grisham [threateningly pleasant] You boys want to talk live on air? We can talk live on air.

Sammy [challenging] Nothin’ to hide on this end of the phone, Mayor Grisham.

Mayor Grisham I hear your snide remarks, Sammy. I’ve read the transcripts.

Sammy Which! let’s be honest, is pretty weird. We’re a late night AM talk show, why are you bothering with us?

Mayor Grisham Oh, I don’t bother with you. I try to keep up to date with all the local news and entertainment. I gotta say, I was really happy a big city radio guy decided to come play host at our little radio station.

Sammy Well, I’m more than happy to—

Mayor Grisham I wasn’t finished… But I have to say, I’m a little less than thrilled with [accusingly] all the excitement you brought with you.

Sammy I’d hardly call reporting the news “excitement”, sir—

Mayor Grisham It’s interesting to me that I don’t see Channel 13 breaking these crazy stories.

Ben [quickly] No offense, your honor, but those idiots don’t know their a[bleep]holes from their elbows.

Mayor Grisham And you boys being on site when these “events” happen? [softly, still accusing] It’s a little bit of a coincidence don’t you think?

Sammy Are you insinuating that we are staging these events, Mayor?

Mayor Grisham I’m stating facts. I’m sure your ratings are way, way up there since all these sensational events seem to coincide with your broadcast. Why do you think that is? Furthermore, I mean who’s up listening to you at this ungodly hour of the night?!

Sammy Seemingly most of the town, Sir. As well as whomever you’ve hired to keep an ear on us.

Mayor Grisham I’ve tried to be nice about this… And I tried to be civil… but I think it’s about time that you troublemakers changed formats. No more of this funny business. It’s not good for the listeners. It’s not good for the residents. And honestly? it’s not good for me. I don’t appreciated being painted in this light, gentlemen.

Sammy Oh! You mean the light where you as a public service,[sic] try to quell the voice of the people.

Ben It’s not your right to tell us what we can and can’t report on, sir. All due respect.

Mayor Grisham [rudely] All due respect, Ben Arnold. Just a couple of months ago you were digging up old records on eBay for Chet Sebastian to run on about. Now you’re a media star?? That’s worrisome! Seems you fellas have All the reasons in the world to fabricate these issues, and I have to say I’m not gonna sit here and listen to this, while you LIE TO THE GOOD PEOPLE OF KING FALLS.

Sammy Well, when we start “fabricating” and “making things up,” you can come throw the book at us. But until then- [click, dial tone] Whoops! Looks like you just got disconnected. I’d wait for you to give us a call back and all, but with it not being an election year I probably shouldn’t hold my breath.

Ben Line One iiis lit up again, Sammy.

Sammy [insincerely] Oh, sorry about that Mayor! I must have fabricated accidentally dumping your call when-

Esther Rollens [heavy metal music in bg] [voice old and wavering] Did you boys fund a lavender ball of yarn in there? Been looking for it all week! [click, dial tone]

Ben [shaken] Sammy, I think that commercial might do us some good right now.

[KFAM outro]

[CREDITS]

References

[1] Coachella - The Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival (commonly called Coachella or the Coachella Festival) is an annual music and arts festival held at the Empire Polo Club in Indio, California, in the Coachella Valley in the Colorado Desert.

[2] Reference to the TV game show Jeopardy!

[3] I honestly can’t tell if he’s saying “honest engine” or “honest injun” but i’mma go with the one that’s technically incorrect but also not super racist.

[4] Barney Fife - Deputy from the Andy Griffith Show. Calling a police officer or authority figure "Barney Fife" has become an American slang term for gross ineptitude or overzealousness.

#king falls am #king falls #kfam #sammy stevens #ben arnold #troy krieghauser #dr. jeffrey rosenblum #mayor grisham #kfam transcripts #kfam ep5

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